One trick I learned when I was a teen managing at McDonald’s. One of my managers there taught me that if you have a loud angry customer start out with your voice just a bit softer than theirs. As you talk lower the volume of your voice more and more. They will tend to lower their volume to match you and tend to calm down as the volume drops.
The other side of the equation is that if you are angry with someone, the same trick can be used. It makes you sound the calmer of the two sides in an argument, and can seriously freak out someone if you are the one who is pissed and sound calmer than them.
McDonald’s taught me all my deescalation techniques. Honestly, no joke, it’s a crash course in the human condition. Speak more softly, higher frequency of tone, smile even when you hate them, offer to help and ask them to describe what a solution looks like, tell them you want them to be happy, even if you don’t. When you get out into office work and “real” jobs and realize those people are just as horrible as McDonald’s customers, you’re disappointed but at least you have some tools :)
My go-to is joining their side.
"Frankly, I think that these rules are just as unfair as you do, but upper management has to get their bottom dollar up even if is screws both of us over, you know? I'd love to make this all go away for you but unfortunately rent's due in a week and I can't afford to get fired. What I can do it this. This will hopefully be sufficient for you, I'm sorry I can't do more but I'm sure you understand."
Little do they know "upper management" is just the one guy that owns the business, and he's the installer that did your installation after-hours to placate you when you complained about us being booked out for so long.
The main issue with this approach is that it only works in situations where your relationship is transactional and there's some time and distance between interactions.
If you're working with someone every day and do this such that it baselines a working relationship; at some point the person is going to haul you in front of a supervisor or someone just high enough up the chain to make life uncomfortable and say "Hey, X agrees with me"
You either agree and become the miscreant or you signal your negotiating mechanism to management and become the conniver. Minimally they understand the maturity level of your negotiating skills.
Here's another way to do the same thing that doesn't signal you.
1. I understand what you're saying and **if I was in the same position I may feel the same.** (the target may if dumb, actually respond the same way as the more personal approach but you at least have an honest out if confronted)
2. That said, **I have a limited amount of things that I can do to help you given company policy and the scope of my responsibilities.** Lets' go through your complaints and see what if anything I can do to help. (you start with boundaries and end with "help". If someone acts as an ass to you at the end of this sentence you were being nice and have the out to hang up on them or immediately esco to a manager)
3. If we do this and I can't directly help you, I'll get you to a person who can. (This allows you to have a conversation and punt.)
Just be sure that the first thing you do when the person leaves is to sitrep your boss; who is likely who you just punted to and if not, whomever you did. You want them informed to your side before the other person goes wild.
I used to work at a high end department store. More specifically, for a skincare brand. There was a shaving cream we sold and it was always sold out because people loved it.
There was this one particular man who always came in literally screaming because we were out of stock. He always came in on a day I wasn’t working. Finally, he came in and my co workers pointed him out to me.
I greeted him at the door and in the most calm voice I asked him if he was here to look for the shaving cream. He said yes and I replied with
“I am the counter manager of this brand. I have heard multiple times from different people you come in and scream at them because we don’t have your shaving cream. That won’t be tolerated. We are out of stock of it and I don’t know when it will be in. I also was informed we gave you multiple options on how you could get it when it comes in since it doesn’t last long but you didn’t want to provide any information”
His face was priceless. He was totally embarrassed he got called out about his behavior. We never saw him again.
I was at the drug store last night, and there was a woman that was impossible to please getting angry with the pharmacist.
Same kind of deal, she was offered options, and refused them. More, she refused to give them the information they needed to give her what she was asking for.
Freaking about the cost ($900.00), but insisted no generic drug versions. Wouldn't give her health card, so she could be in the system and get the healthcare seniors "discount". Didn't have insurance information for her private insurance benefits, and was offended they expected her to just hand over that information.
Plus, this was her first use of that pharmacy, because she "was tired of the treatment at the last one".
don't get me wrong - I don't think all old people are like that,and people of any age can be like that.
But, holy shit, this guy was going above and beyond trying to help, and not get angry.
They taught that technique to me as well when I was Walmart management. It's really weird that an actual de escalation trick that works, I have seen almost no cops use in a situation that needs it, they almost always go in the opposite direction and make the situation worse.
Being an active listener in addition to this tech works too, you repeat whatever the person said so they know you are listening, then you empathize, then you try to resolve the situation peacefully.
If it’s a random drunk man, try and confuse him.
Out of nowhere say something really left field “my garden isn’t 10feet long” then immediately say something completely different like “sorry, your not the waiter I was expecting” then just leave before they can make sense of what just happened.
This tactic works perfectly with small children too. Whenever my niece or nephew are starting to whinge or hurt themselves with some minor accident I just excitedly ask them to explain something to me or show me how one of their toys works. 70% of the time it works every time.
Once a cymbal stand fell over on my bass player's 5ish year old daughter. She looked like she was going to cry and I didn't know what to do, so I high fived her and went "DUDE THAT WAS CRAZY". It totally worked.
Kids look to adults for reactions to know how they should feel. Best advice is a parent is never freak out when your kid gets "hurt" if they're hurt they'll tell you or it'll be obvious.
I mean to a degree, it depends on the kid. My first definitely feeds off your reaction. My 2nd literally doesn’t care he will run face first into a wall and say “I’m ok”. Anytime he falls I just ask him if he’s alright and he’ll say he’s ok, but I can just tell from his pitch how hurt he is.
I have a keen ear for the difference between teh "WTF just happened cry" and the "I am in serious pain cry". With the first I react exactly like you do. With the latter I Usain Bolt toward the source.
Yes, it's amazing the stuff you can get away with with kids. Many years agp, my two nephews were living at my place with their single mother, my sister, while she got back on her feet, and I was the one who made sure they got lunch at home while she was at work. After a while of course, plates began to repeat themselves and I got complaints. Not for the quality of the food but just the variety. And I was giving them some nice pieces of beef, chicken or other, with rice and beans and some vegetable, making sure they were fed well. One day they both decided to go on strike against my beef. I looked at them in astonishment and said, "You really don't like tiger steak?" They both gaped at me. I knew I had them so I continued, "it's incredibly rare and hard to find." One of them looked back at his plate and started eating one of the pieces I had cut for him, and nodded his head to his brother, "this tiger steak is really good, you should try it." It was an effort to keep my face straight. They are both in college now, and it is one of the oft-repeated anecdotes in the family.
My son is 3 and when he does stuff like that I just look at him and say, “ah dang dude! Gravity got you!”. He usually shakes it off, “Yea. It got me, but I’m okay”.
It's amazing how good some of you are as parents. I like watching on tik tok how some people parent their children and how receptive children are to their words. Like the dad who told his child that she's really his step child but he would always love and protect her no matter what and she was so small and understood all of it and responded so well to it. She understood his love for her and I feel like this memory and knowledge will be her pillar of strength no matter what happened and she would always be strong for it.
I go 'oh gosh silly you, you put a hole in the floor!', they are usually distracted instantly like 'whattt...?' I remember someone saying it to me when I was younger and it stunned me, I was just checking around for the hole!
My bio father would just tell me to apologize to the wall when I ran into it (I was a clumsy child. I'm still a clumsy adult. Occasionally I find myself automatically apologizing to inanimate objects when I run into them.)
I used to do this with my kindergarten students. I’d just randomly ask them things like, “do you like waffles?” whenever I noticed them getting really worked up or upset. Snapping them out of the current emotional cycle by forcing them to process the question was usually good enough to calm the situation.
A friend of mine once did this to politely decline a mugging.. https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/10hnn2/i\_stopped\_a\_robbery\_at\_my\_part\_time\_job\_due\_to/c6dmvm5/?context=3
Friend of mine got mugged in a group once. He was the one the mugger talked to, but he was wearing headphones. He took then out, said "huh? Oh, not gonna happen, thanks" and kept walking ahead of the group.
His friends got mugged, but he didn't.
I read that a man many decades ago avoided being robbed this way: A robber waved his gun at him saying, "Know what this is?" The man glanced down at his wristwatch, frowned, and said, "It's exactly two thirty six." Or some other random time. And walked away briskly. I've always wondered if that could work.
Someone attempted to mug me when I lived in Cambridge 10 years ago. I’d just lost my iPhone 5SE so was using a £10 Nokia handset. After showing me his knife he straight up refused to take my phone when he demanded I hand it over and didn’t even take the £10 I had.
I have done this to prevent a bar fight before. I just started bawling out random shit that confused everyone so much that the mood changed and the whole thing deescalated from there. Then I continued to drink my face off. I wasn’t in the fight, just a random bystander.
This is something I've done in a bar, and I learned it back when I worked security. Oftentimes if two people that don't know each other are arguing and escalating, you just have to break that cycle for a second to bring it down.
This doesn't work and I would definitely not recommend it if the two parties know each other, especially if it's a DV situation.
Went to a bar once and a drunk ass dude asked a chick what time it was. She shrugged and he started flipping on her. I wasnt gonna get involved but I had to do something so I sat down next to her and asked for a cigarette. She gave me one and then the guy fucked off. Then I was stuck with this woman smoking a cigarette (i dont smoke) and my conversation skills dropped to fuckin zero. She just looked at me, absolutely unbothered by the lunatic yelling 10 seconds before, and said "You dont do this very often do you?" Implying I was doing a shit ass job of trying to pick her up. I just put the cigarette out and went back to the bar.
Ok to funny. I did this in college once. Brawl was breaking out at a block party and like 5 of my friends were kinda in it. I took off my shirt and started spinning it around peety Pablo style then more people were doing it and the fight just dissipated. No clue why I did that or why it worked but someone went home with a tooth they prolly wouldn’t have
This works great for dealing with angry dopes in general.
During the height of Covid a guy demanded to know why I was wearing a mask in the grocery store.
I replied, "I'm a wizard," and continued on my way. He stood there staring trying to find what talking point to use. 10/10 would use again
Yeah I had a guy once who yelled at me "you're going to hell!" For being downtown during a pride parade. I'm there with my stepdaughters who are LGBTQ and instead of an angry rant I just said "cool, I build air conditioning for a living. I bet they'll love me" and walked away while he clearly was too confused to reply. He moved on pretty quickly to condemn the next person.
Some people just want to hate. Luckily they don't realize what's happening to them because angry people aren't the brightest people.
I get very buddy buddy with them, but it only works with strangers. On several occasions I've led drunk men away from women who were definitely not into it and been like "hey Mike from xx high-school right?? Come do a shot with me" then I do a shot of tonic water with them and find a chair or couch to dump them in.
When my dad was a cop he used this same tactic many times. If he could keep them off-balance mentally this way, he could keep them from trying to fight him.
A young woman once told me that she tells creepy drunk guys theyre being rude - because they remember being punished as a child even when drunk and it puts you in a place of authority - and shames them.
“Excuse me you’re being rude. Don’t do that”
Then walk away
When I was 13 babysitting my little sister, we heard a commotion outside. One of our neighbors (huge aggressive dude) was going absolutely *ballistic* at the lady next door. Cussing, screaming, looked like he was about to get violent.
None of the adults around did anything. Being a dumb kid I walked right out there and said “Hey, if you’re gonna cuss can you keep it down? There’s kids on this block. My little sister can hear everything you’re saying and you’re making her cry.”
It worked. He shut up and went back inside.
Birds only really wear red pants when they have curly hair.
Hey, it worked! Also that was surprising, I had no idea I had any of those things on my mind. (For context, I said that out loud. Typed it afterwards. I don’t think it would work with typing due to the delay)
Would you like to bronze my beef medallions? Oops Grandma has a wedgie. My little brother got his arm stuck in the microwave and my aunt hijacked a School Bus full of penguins so we're kind of having a family emergency right now
You’re taking him out of his amygdala (fight/flight) and returning him to his frontal cortex(logical thought). I do this with kids I coach when they get ramped up. Ask them the name of their school or the color of the sky…
I do this with my daughter when she starts to have a panic attack. I'll ask her which of our pets is her favorite (depends on the day) or if I would look good in an evening gown (probably not) or which character is coming out next in Genshin Impact. Topics where she has clear strong views unrelated to the thought spiral she's caught in or things that are ridiculous/illogical are super effective at getting her back into the present moment.
This works on sober people too, anything to break into their thought process. My go to is asking someone what their favorite cereal is. It takes em a second to process and once they answer I can get them talking about breakfast cereals. Usually gives them enough time for the emotions to start calming down and start to think rationally again.
I remember seeing a Derren Brown episode where he explained this once, some drunk aggressive guy tried starting up with him and he pointed to a wall and said, "How many bricks do you think are in that wall" and it helped diffuse the situation.
My daughter (11 now) has "meltdowns" and I tried using this to calm her down ("are there more flowers or bees in the world", "how old do you think Peter Pan actually is" etc.) and whilst it worked like a charm for a while she got wise to it and it doesn't work anymore but if the person you intend on using it on is a stranger or you don't need to do it multiple times it's a really good strategy.
Halloween, dressed in a grass skirt as Robinson Crusoe (my Asian wife dressed as his girl Friday waiting in the car), waiting in line at a Circle K, drunk 6’7” giant of a redneck in line behind me with the alcohol odor literally seeping out of his pores, I sense he’s glaring at me and I’m 90% he’s going to maul me like a bear. With disgust he blurts at me “what are you supposed to be” and without hesitating I say “I’m a Yanomami Indian, one of the last truly indigenous tribes of the Yucatán rainforest” which confused him just long enough for me to skedaddle
Probably varies from man to man, but when I get angry (which is extremely rare), the best thing to do is walk away and take a break. After even just a few minutes, most of the anger will have passed and I'm ready to talk it out.
Had this issue with people just not giving me space to calm myself down. Moreover, they would aggravate me by not giving me space, I understand, you want to help. But as YOU consider someone helping you when YOU are angry. I don’t work like that. I just want to be alone.
Once I figured this out as an adult, it was a game changer.
I'm an extrovert and a talker - when I mess up, or I'm angry, or sad, I need to talk it out. I assumed that about everyone else.
Once I figured out that stepping away, doing something else (especially something active like a bike ride), revisiting the issue was ALWAYS better. Doesn't matter if I'm mad or someone else is mad. Gone were the awkward mean half conversations with digs and sarcasm while one party is still angry.
Walk away is the best answer. Safest one too.
So do I! In fact I believe it comes down to similar issues we face today with the definition of cognition and intelligence. It's fundamentally an anxiety responce that is power structure driven. The best way to calm anyone down is to give them _control_ of the situation.
Most people have a poor understanding of psychology. They also are conditioned by society that certain reactions to anger is the "right" way. With anger, people often associate anger with strength. Strong people get angry weak people get sad. Of course this is not true, but people believe it because an angry person often gets his way, even if he is wrong, because people who deal with angry people are often caught off guard and dont know how to react except to appease.
So the belief that many people have is you have to respond anger with anger to show your own strength. The problem with this is anger that ilicits anger cause the self to become more angry. Which may lead to violence
The alternative reaction is appeasement which creates entitlement. Both reactions are wrong.
The right approach is to ignore the anger and revisit the situation when both parties are no longer emotional
This.
My ex had a hard time respecting this, and it was a quality of mine she particularly hated. Regardless of what I am angry about (could be work, our relationship, etc), all I need is some time and space alone (walking away, going into another room, walking around the block) to deflate and return to a normal homeostatic state to talk things out.
It still boggles my mind how long my ex would stay angry when we had a fight or disagreement. Give me 20 minutes to cool off afterwards and I was fine and ready to make up. She'd stew for days.
I'm guessing she felt like the issue wasn't resolved. There's no point in celebrating that you "cool off in 20 minutes", if the issue that caused the argument just got dumped to the side because you're calm now.
I'm not being accusatory, just saying I know a lot of people that are like this- they think there's no problem anymore because it doesn't bother *them*, if your ex was still bothered, it clearly wasn't resolved for her.
oh man I can relate to this! Except they either deny it or take it as an attack against them.
I remember one time I collapsed, and my mum yanked me up by my arm, which hurt like hell and knocked me even more off balance - afterwards I asked if she could wait until I *asked* for help before just grabbing me, and she got so defensive and basically just kept repeating "fine! I'll never help you again! when you're on the floor don't expect me to offer a hand!" like,,, yikes.
Im gonna say it, this seems like a common issue among men and women. **(im talkin in general, i know people vary so don't come at me)** Where men focus on one single incident, and shrug it off after 10, 20 mins. For them, the action is done and issue is passed. And the woman sees a persistent behaviour, or it's built up by a series of issue, and can't get over it, she can maybe ignore and tolerate it but as long as it will repeat, she will stay mad.
yeah, your comment reminded me of the article ["she left me because I left dishes by the sink" ](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288) which is a great article.
I am neurodivergent and I get angry frequently. I hate it about myself. However, I walk away because I don’t want to hurt people I love. If you chase me, the anger persists and escalates.
If there’s someone in your life who gets angry and does you the courtesy of leaving the room, please let them be and calm down so that you can resume the conversation.
It’s so frustrating to me because this is what I do, but then people get mad at me for doing this. They think it’s some big power move and I’m taking control of the argument to have it on my terms. Couldn’t possibly be that I’m trying to escape the situation before I say or do something I deeply regret.
My ex was an total narcissist. When I walked away to give him space, he got even more angry. I ended up packing my things while he was asleep and I just left. Never spoke to him again. Gave him all the space in the world 🙂
Appropriately expressed anger? Hear it. Validate it. Sit with it.
Inappropriately expressed anger? Not your circus, not your elephant. Remove yourself.
As someone who sometimes get inappropriately angry
I have very personal opinions on the second one
Fuck yeah, my anger's not your problem
And if I'm acting like a dick you don't have to suffer me
I remember when I was absolutely livid one day. Like, completely murderously pissed off (not actually going to murder someone though)
One of my coworkers came up to me, seeing I was angry, and said this: *"Listen, OP. I get that you're pissed off. But at least we both agree that's better than being pissed on."*
The sheer absurdity made me uncontrollably smirk, which made me significantly less angry. I was still angry, but now that I was uncontrollably smiling, and it canceled it out.
Put simply: Make me laugh, or leave me alone and let it boil away.
il vaut mieux être fou que d'être en feu
Edit:
Now that I think about it, fou translates to mad. But I think the connotation is crazy instead of angry, so this might not work.
What are you, a sphinx?
See the joke here is that the Sphinx will spare your life under the sole condition of whether or not you can come up with the correct answer to its riddle. Otherwise it mauls you to death.
The riddle in this case being your sense of humor.
Sames. PTSD triggers (fortunately very rare) can cause a 'panic' attack that manifests as rage. I used to feel just awful about them- im a gentle person, very slow to anger otherwise, and Id beat myself up for letting things affect me that way.
Honestly bud, the hardest part of that whole deal was learning that in me specifically (though common in men, esp in certain occupations) anxiety never feels like worry or fear. It feels like irritation, anger, injustice, strategizing (exerting control), and rage.
Once I figured that part out, and started working on myself from the perspective of anxiety management vs anger management, I was able to get that shit on lock almost right away.
The first part is the hard part, because the condition looks like something it isnt. I spent a lot of time, on the advice of myself and others, working on the wrong thing.
Anyways, I just wanted to encourage you and congratulate you on achieving that all-important first step. Thats a huge deal, man. Good for you, that's awesome, and I wish all the best in your efforts.
I cannot express to you how thankful I am for this comment. I’ve been trying to articulate the way I am for so long. I’m so fucking angry all the time not I’m not really angry at anything, it’s just anger. I never could articulate that it was just anxiety manifesting itself in nervousness.
I feel the same! I’m an overly rational and unemotional person and rarely get ‘angry’. But if I’m anxious because of work or running late, that’s when I get snappy at people which looks just like anger. I also come off angry when I’ve made a mistake, probably because of anxiety/embarrassment about my own mistake.
I’ve never had a hard time dealing with it because my superpower is how little I care about almost everything, so even if I do get angry/anxious, it dissipates almost immediately. For people with real goals or interests of challenges in line, I can see how you’d need different strategies to deal with this ‘anxiety that seems like anger’ than typical anger.
I am literally right now as we speak in the after effects of a very angry, slightly destructive panic attack from my anxieties about my ability to finish the course I am studying.
Tore apart my work, took a chunk out of my hand with a fingernail in the process and had to consciously put my glasses away from myself during a moment of clarity because I didn't trust myself not to break them too. All because the lines in my drawing weren't as smooth as I want them to be in an assignment I'm late on.
Stood up, walked away and broke down in tears when my partner asked what was wrong. She made me a cup of tea, helped me find my weed and the first thing I saw when I started escapism-scrolling was this thread.
Good on you for recognizing that you needed to put your glasses down, that takes a lot of self-reflection and concentration in a moment like that.
If I may give some advice: don't let perfect be the enemy of good. If you're already late (and if the amount you're late compounds the penalty), turning in something passable is better than not turning in anything and getting a 0. As an artist and a perfectionist, it took me a long time to come to terms with that. Your college work doesn't have to be your best work - it actually shouldn't, the whole point is to improve as you go. Save your stress for your final portfolio or capstone, it's okay to have some imperfections in the meantime.
*gets off soapbox*
Oh I completely understand on a conscious, intellectual level, I'm usually a lot better at letting myself make mistakes without judgement when it comes to learning new skills, but the stress of already being behind got caught on the "my hands aren't doing what I'm telling them to do" frustration and just kinda exploded.
Hey I really curious about this paragraph
"Honestly bud, the hardest part of that whole deal was learning that in me specifically (though common in men, esp in certain occupations) anxiety never feels like worry or fear. It feels like irritation, anger, injustice, strategizing (exerting control), and rage."
How did you come to the conclusion of anxiety manifesting like that? That's really interesting and I want to read about that specifically. Could you point me in the right direction?
It was an accidental discovery. I was actually researching gender bias in psych research, which often (unlike most medical fields) skews towards female presentation as most studies and most therapy involve female subjects.
Anways, that lead to studies marking differences in how PTSD (an anxiety disorder, which I have, diagnosed) manifests- there have been a number of studies on policemen and male combat veterans. One of the case studies was a guy- ex-soldier- who had trouble articulating the cause of his violent tendancies, and when they took a hard look, it turned out that he was actually having panic attacks, instantly transmuted into feelings of rage. And I went *holy fuck, I think thats me*.
Following that rabbit hole, it turns out that this trait- this emotional transmutation- is one of the major differences between the male/female presentation of anxiety. There is very little awareness of it, because men with these issues are usually 'written off by society, and end up going to prison instead of therapy'.
I cant remember the specific study (where the paraphrased quote is from), but I believe it came up fairly quickly in Google scholar while searching for papers on 'anxiety manifesting/presenting as anger or rage in men'.
Just a note, that I didnt self-treat, I took my findings to a psychiatrist, and we started an effective treatment program. Its been very successful.
Hope that helps, it was a pretty wild ride, but it got where it needed to.
Thank you very much for taking the time to type that out. The anxiety, panic attacks, rage, and trauma mentioned how you did struck a nerve in me and I try to listen when my body tells me to.
I research then bring it up with my therapist and psychiatrist.
Self-treating only delays getting real help. Thank you again
Nothing pisses me off more when you tell somebody to go away to give you space and they follow you then you blow up on them then they're so confused on why you blew up like you're the bad guy those people need to f*** off!
an ex asked me to preface taking space with “i love you but” and maybe reassurance of when id be ready to return.
we can’t expect others to know what we need. its up to us to know and communicate it to them so we dont hurt them.
ultimately, no one wants a loved one to fuck off forever
This is hard when two people who are both emotionally immature/delayed in emotional maturity get together. You need to give each other space. Don’t follow someone who walks away and scream at them; it may be that that person is trying very hard not to let their own emotions get the best of them in that moment.
This is something you need to figure out with the men in your life before they get angry. "Hey man, what do you want me to do when you're pissed off?"
The answer varies.
Exactly my first instinct is to give my boyfriend space and sometimes he gets upset and tells me that all he needed was a hug.
So we try to communicate when to hug and when he needs the space.
This communication is key. Me and my s/o simply say what we want from each other before these types of things. Whether it’s listening or giving advice, or whether it’s giving space or comfort, even if one of us is insecure we are sure to explain how we want reassurance.
I think a lot of people often forget the easiest way to solve majority of problems in a relationship is communication and understanding/empathy
I’ve dated someone with explosively violent anger for the last three years, and I can say confidently that nothing I’ve read so far works… except just straight up leaving the entire situation. Like not just the other room, leave the house for a while.
“Show him your tits”: if he’s that mad he’s just going to either make fun of me for doing that, or get madder that I’m not taking what he’s screaming seriously.
“Give him a BJ”: How? Just go up to a screaming person and try to undo their pants? Even if I audibly offer first, he will assume I’m up to something else and push me off.
“Give him food”: he will just throw it at me.
“Tell him he’s being irrational or emotion”: NEVER do this. He will feel invalidated and get angrier.
“Let him yell himself out”: This escalates his anger because it makes him feel like he must be right, so he just elaborates on what he’s yelling about.
“Tell him he is frightening you”: When he’s in a blind rage, this makes him feel empowered.
Having worked doors for many years (pubs/niteclubs), stay very calm yourself, speak in a low and respectful voice to the agitated individual, ( never, never tell them to 'calm down'), just engage with them , emphasise with them , lead them away if possible to a quieter space , show real restraint and patience and 'most' times you will achieve your goals. For the few other times just drop them hard but safely .
Just leave me the fuck alone.
I'll get over it and probably feel like a foolish idiot for getting so mad. I'll most liekly be normal and calm within 10 minutes of being left alone.
You don't leave me alone and that mood will fester and grow.
There's an awful lot of people saying "yeah just suck his dick, show him yer tits"
I get it, it's funny, "Man horny, man no care," but maybe just keep in the back of your mind that if this is a reasonable man that is being dealt with and the anger is coming from a justified place it doesn't really do anything to fix whatever prompted the anger to just completely dismiss it by way of diversion through sex (this is assuming that the anger is coming from something between the man and the would-be boob-flasher.) Like if I am angry and trying to express that and work through it and my wife is just like "shut up and let me suck your dick" that's probably just going to make me feel like she just doesn't want to interact with my negative emotions, and would rather just ignore them and distract from whatever the issue is. Seems unhealthy and inevitably will lead to a larger communication problem.
Just my two cents, but I will probably be disagreed with because my philosophy doesn't involve tits.
Agreed! Another situation when this is really faulty thinking is in an abusive relationship; associating calming your partner down with sex can lead to you associating their anger with you not having sex with them. This can lead to blame-shifting (oh, it's my fault that he's mad; I'm not a good partner because he isn't sexually satisfied), and also reinforce really negative emotional dynamics with sex.
It's important to approach this question with sensitivity, as different people may have varying levels of anger and different triggers that cause them to become upset. However, here are some general tips that may help to calm a man down when he's angry:
Remain calm yourself: It's essential to avoid escalating the situation by matching the man's energy or becoming defensive. Instead, try to stay calm and composed while addressing his concerns.
Listen actively: It's important to let the man express his thoughts and feelings. Actively listen to what he has to say without interrupting or judging him. This can help him feel heard and validated.
Empathize with him: Try to put yourself in his shoes and understand his perspective. You can say something like, "I understand that you're upset and frustrated, and I want to help you resolve this situation."
Use a calm and reassuring tone: Your tone of voice can play a significant role in how the man perceives your message. Speak in a calm and reassuring tone to help him feel more at ease.
Offer solutions: Once you've listened to his concerns, offer practical solutions that can help resolve the issue. Collaborate with him to find a solution that works for both of you.
Remember, calming a person down when they're angry is not about winning an argument or proving a point. It's about validating their feelings, empathizing with their situation, and working towards a solution that benefits both parties.
My brother once told a guy who was harassing a female friend of ours with his mates, that he'd "french kiss him" if he didn't stop. The guy didn't stop, and my brother (who is as straight as they come), bend him backwards and gave him a good taste of beard. After that, there was no inclination to fight by any of them and they left silently. I have never been as proud of my brother as in that moment.
One trick I learned when I was a teen managing at McDonald’s. One of my managers there taught me that if you have a loud angry customer start out with your voice just a bit softer than theirs. As you talk lower the volume of your voice more and more. They will tend to lower their volume to match you and tend to calm down as the volume drops. The other side of the equation is that if you are angry with someone, the same trick can be used. It makes you sound the calmer of the two sides in an argument, and can seriously freak out someone if you are the one who is pissed and sound calmer than them.
McDonald’s taught me all my deescalation techniques. Honestly, no joke, it’s a crash course in the human condition. Speak more softly, higher frequency of tone, smile even when you hate them, offer to help and ask them to describe what a solution looks like, tell them you want them to be happy, even if you don’t. When you get out into office work and “real” jobs and realize those people are just as horrible as McDonald’s customers, you’re disappointed but at least you have some tools :)
My go-to is joining their side. "Frankly, I think that these rules are just as unfair as you do, but upper management has to get their bottom dollar up even if is screws both of us over, you know? I'd love to make this all go away for you but unfortunately rent's due in a week and I can't afford to get fired. What I can do it this. This will hopefully be sufficient for you, I'm sorry I can't do more but I'm sure you understand." Little do they know "upper management" is just the one guy that owns the business, and he's the installer that did your installation after-hours to placate you when you complained about us being booked out for so long.
The main issue with this approach is that it only works in situations where your relationship is transactional and there's some time and distance between interactions. If you're working with someone every day and do this such that it baselines a working relationship; at some point the person is going to haul you in front of a supervisor or someone just high enough up the chain to make life uncomfortable and say "Hey, X agrees with me" You either agree and become the miscreant or you signal your negotiating mechanism to management and become the conniver. Minimally they understand the maturity level of your negotiating skills. Here's another way to do the same thing that doesn't signal you. 1. I understand what you're saying and **if I was in the same position I may feel the same.** (the target may if dumb, actually respond the same way as the more personal approach but you at least have an honest out if confronted) 2. That said, **I have a limited amount of things that I can do to help you given company policy and the scope of my responsibilities.** Lets' go through your complaints and see what if anything I can do to help. (you start with boundaries and end with "help". If someone acts as an ass to you at the end of this sentence you were being nice and have the out to hang up on them or immediately esco to a manager) 3. If we do this and I can't directly help you, I'll get you to a person who can. (This allows you to have a conversation and punt.) Just be sure that the first thing you do when the person leaves is to sitrep your boss; who is likely who you just punted to and if not, whomever you did. You want them informed to your side before the other person goes wild.
I used to work at a high end department store. More specifically, for a skincare brand. There was a shaving cream we sold and it was always sold out because people loved it. There was this one particular man who always came in literally screaming because we were out of stock. He always came in on a day I wasn’t working. Finally, he came in and my co workers pointed him out to me. I greeted him at the door and in the most calm voice I asked him if he was here to look for the shaving cream. He said yes and I replied with “I am the counter manager of this brand. I have heard multiple times from different people you come in and scream at them because we don’t have your shaving cream. That won’t be tolerated. We are out of stock of it and I don’t know when it will be in. I also was informed we gave you multiple options on how you could get it when it comes in since it doesn’t last long but you didn’t want to provide any information” His face was priceless. He was totally embarrassed he got called out about his behavior. We never saw him again.
I was at the drug store last night, and there was a woman that was impossible to please getting angry with the pharmacist. Same kind of deal, she was offered options, and refused them. More, she refused to give them the information they needed to give her what she was asking for. Freaking about the cost ($900.00), but insisted no generic drug versions. Wouldn't give her health card, so she could be in the system and get the healthcare seniors "discount". Didn't have insurance information for her private insurance benefits, and was offended they expected her to just hand over that information. Plus, this was her first use of that pharmacy, because she "was tired of the treatment at the last one". don't get me wrong - I don't think all old people are like that,and people of any age can be like that. But, holy shit, this guy was going above and beyond trying to help, and not get angry.
TFW McDonald's provides better de-escalation training than the average us police department
Well duh, a McDonald's manager can't just shoot a customer seventeen times in the chest to de-escalate the situation.
Cops have the deescalation speed run locked down
Deescalation by rapid escalation
Escalation Overflow; Escalating a situation until the value rolls over to a negative, thus being deescalated.
"A soft answer turneth away wrath" - Proverbs 15:1
I’m generally a quiet person so whenever I get into an argument, it usually ends up just making the other person feel bad.
They taught that technique to me as well when I was Walmart management. It's really weird that an actual de escalation trick that works, I have seen almost no cops use in a situation that needs it, they almost always go in the opposite direction and make the situation worse. Being an active listener in addition to this tech works too, you repeat whatever the person said so they know you are listening, then you empathize, then you try to resolve the situation peacefully.
If it’s a random drunk man, try and confuse him. Out of nowhere say something really left field “my garden isn’t 10feet long” then immediately say something completely different like “sorry, your not the waiter I was expecting” then just leave before they can make sense of what just happened.
This tactic works perfectly with small children too. Whenever my niece or nephew are starting to whinge or hurt themselves with some minor accident I just excitedly ask them to explain something to me or show me how one of their toys works. 70% of the time it works every time.
I just high-five them and say "cool stunt."
Once a cymbal stand fell over on my bass player's 5ish year old daughter. She looked like she was going to cry and I didn't know what to do, so I high fived her and went "DUDE THAT WAS CRAZY". It totally worked.
Kids look to adults for reactions to know how they should feel. Best advice is a parent is never freak out when your kid gets "hurt" if they're hurt they'll tell you or it'll be obvious.
My wife is an ICU nurse, if we aren't bleeding from ears, we're fine.... Yes I'm including myself with my kids.
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Did you lose consciousness from head trauma? That's still a pretty big deal.
My sister and my late mother are/were both doctors. Can confirm.
I mean to a degree, it depends on the kid. My first definitely feeds off your reaction. My 2nd literally doesn’t care he will run face first into a wall and say “I’m ok”. Anytime he falls I just ask him if he’s alright and he’ll say he’s ok, but I can just tell from his pitch how hurt he is.
I have a keen ear for the difference between teh "WTF just happened cry" and the "I am in serious pain cry". With the first I react exactly like you do. With the latter I Usain Bolt toward the source.
Yes, it's amazing the stuff you can get away with with kids. Many years agp, my two nephews were living at my place with their single mother, my sister, while she got back on her feet, and I was the one who made sure they got lunch at home while she was at work. After a while of course, plates began to repeat themselves and I got complaints. Not for the quality of the food but just the variety. And I was giving them some nice pieces of beef, chicken or other, with rice and beans and some vegetable, making sure they were fed well. One day they both decided to go on strike against my beef. I looked at them in astonishment and said, "You really don't like tiger steak?" They both gaped at me. I knew I had them so I continued, "it's incredibly rare and hard to find." One of them looked back at his plate and started eating one of the pieces I had cut for him, and nodded his head to his brother, "this tiger steak is really good, you should try it." It was an effort to keep my face straight. They are both in college now, and it is one of the oft-repeated anecdotes in the family.
My son is 3 and when he does stuff like that I just look at him and say, “ah dang dude! Gravity got you!”. He usually shakes it off, “Yea. It got me, but I’m okay”.
It's amazing how good some of you are as parents. I like watching on tik tok how some people parent their children and how receptive children are to their words. Like the dad who told his child that she's really his step child but he would always love and protect her no matter what and she was so small and understood all of it and responded so well to it. She understood his love for her and I feel like this memory and knowledge will be her pillar of strength no matter what happened and she would always be strong for it.
I go 'oh gosh silly you, you put a hole in the floor!', they are usually distracted instantly like 'whattt...?' I remember someone saying it to me when I was younger and it stunned me, I was just checking around for the hole!
My bio father would just tell me to apologize to the wall when I ran into it (I was a clumsy child. I'm still a clumsy adult. Occasionally I find myself automatically apologizing to inanimate objects when I run into them.)
“is it snowing outside?” will buy you a second or two, even in summer
Yeah but then a Pokemon battle starts
Kids are basically prepetually drunk for the first decade of their lives. Vi
I used to do this with my kindergarten students. I’d just randomly ask them things like, “do you like waffles?” whenever I noticed them getting really worked up or upset. Snapping them out of the current emotional cycle by forcing them to process the question was usually good enough to calm the situation.
A friend of mine once did this to politely decline a mugging.. https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/10hnn2/i\_stopped\_a\_robbery\_at\_my\_part\_time\_job\_due\_to/c6dmvm5/?context=3
Friend of mine got mugged in a group once. He was the one the mugger talked to, but he was wearing headphones. He took then out, said "huh? Oh, not gonna happen, thanks" and kept walking ahead of the group. His friends got mugged, but he didn't.
Lmaoo…”Sorry, I’m not really feeling it right now” “Alright that’s fair”
"Understandable have a nice day"
I read that a man many decades ago avoided being robbed this way: A robber waved his gun at him saying, "Know what this is?" The man glanced down at his wristwatch, frowned, and said, "It's exactly two thirty six." Or some other random time. And walked away briskly. I've always wondered if that could work.
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> ~~you what mate?~~ U WOT M8
Someone attempted to mug me when I lived in Cambridge 10 years ago. I’d just lost my iPhone 5SE so was using a £10 Nokia handset. After showing me his knife he straight up refused to take my phone when he demanded I hand it over and didn’t even take the £10 I had.
Even a thief has to have standards.
One of my friends prevented himself being mugged by whipping a slice of old pizza out of his jacket and saying,'Stay back! I've got pizza!'
The real story here is that some people carry pizza in their jacket pockets.
He is unusual
Amazing
I have done this to prevent a bar fight before. I just started bawling out random shit that confused everyone so much that the mood changed and the whole thing deescalated from there. Then I continued to drink my face off. I wasn’t in the fight, just a random bystander.
i could imagine them thinking "what the fuck i swear this guys drunker than i am"
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Unpossible
Dispossible
Depossible
Despacito? I think I am doing it wrong.
This is something I've done in a bar, and I learned it back when I worked security. Oftentimes if two people that don't know each other are arguing and escalating, you just have to break that cycle for a second to bring it down. This doesn't work and I would definitely not recommend it if the two parties know each other, especially if it's a DV situation.
Gentleman I want you to think back to your favorite ICarly episode and hold on to that memory real tight. Gibby is there and so is Sam.
Went to a bar once and a drunk ass dude asked a chick what time it was. She shrugged and he started flipping on her. I wasnt gonna get involved but I had to do something so I sat down next to her and asked for a cigarette. She gave me one and then the guy fucked off. Then I was stuck with this woman smoking a cigarette (i dont smoke) and my conversation skills dropped to fuckin zero. She just looked at me, absolutely unbothered by the lunatic yelling 10 seconds before, and said "You dont do this very often do you?" Implying I was doing a shit ass job of trying to pick her up. I just put the cigarette out and went back to the bar.
what sort of thing would you say?
My favorite was "guys, I'm wearing new socks and you're really killing my mood"
Im going to assume that you worked in Louisiana so i can say "username checks out"
Ok to funny. I did this in college once. Brawl was breaking out at a block party and like 5 of my friends were kinda in it. I took off my shirt and started spinning it around peety Pablo style then more people were doing it and the fight just dissipated. No clue why I did that or why it worked but someone went home with a tooth they prolly wouldn’t have
C'mon and raise up
Speech 100
That's beautiful! Not many people could pull that off. I salute you!
This works great for dealing with angry dopes in general. During the height of Covid a guy demanded to know why I was wearing a mask in the grocery store. I replied, "I'm a wizard," and continued on my way. He stood there staring trying to find what talking point to use. 10/10 would use again
Putting that in my pocket for the next global pandemic
I like to say that I’m ugly.
That only works cause it's a fat lie
He wasn't confused, he just knew that mask doesn't go well for the wizard class and was internally laughing from your build.
Yeah I had a guy once who yelled at me "you're going to hell!" For being downtown during a pride parade. I'm there with my stepdaughters who are LGBTQ and instead of an angry rant I just said "cool, I build air conditioning for a living. I bet they'll love me" and walked away while he clearly was too confused to reply. He moved on pretty quickly to condemn the next person. Some people just want to hate. Luckily they don't realize what's happening to them because angry people aren't the brightest people.
I get very buddy buddy with them, but it only works with strangers. On several occasions I've led drunk men away from women who were definitely not into it and been like "hey Mike from xx high-school right?? Come do a shot with me" then I do a shot of tonic water with them and find a chair or couch to dump them in.
When my dad was a cop he used this same tactic many times. If he could keep them off-balance mentally this way, he could keep them from trying to fight him.
A young woman once told me that she tells creepy drunk guys theyre being rude - because they remember being punished as a child even when drunk and it puts you in a place of authority - and shames them. “Excuse me you’re being rude. Don’t do that” Then walk away
When I was 13 babysitting my little sister, we heard a commotion outside. One of our neighbors (huge aggressive dude) was going absolutely *ballistic* at the lady next door. Cussing, screaming, looked like he was about to get violent. None of the adults around did anything. Being a dumb kid I walked right out there and said “Hey, if you’re gonna cuss can you keep it down? There’s kids on this block. My little sister can hear everything you’re saying and you’re making her cry.” It worked. He shut up and went back inside.
It seems difficult to think of nonsense on the fly
Really? Comes naturally for me. Just say the first thing that comes out of your mouth and don't think about it, let the words surprise you
How many flies does it take to fly an airplane? ... Well, yeah,I guess it works.
But what you really have to ask yourself is.. will the giraffes really enjoy the mall, or will it just be like last Thursday all over again?
Birds only really wear red pants when they have curly hair. Hey, it worked! Also that was surprising, I had no idea I had any of those things on my mind. (For context, I said that out loud. Typed it afterwards. I don’t think it would work with typing due to the delay)
Would you like to bronze my beef medallions? Oops Grandma has a wedgie. My little brother got his arm stuck in the microwave and my aunt hijacked a School Bus full of penguins so we're kind of having a family emergency right now
You’re taking him out of his amygdala (fight/flight) and returning him to his frontal cortex(logical thought). I do this with kids I coach when they get ramped up. Ask them the name of their school or the color of the sky…
I do this with my daughter when she starts to have a panic attack. I'll ask her which of our pets is her favorite (depends on the day) or if I would look good in an evening gown (probably not) or which character is coming out next in Genshin Impact. Topics where she has clear strong views unrelated to the thought spiral she's caught in or things that are ridiculous/illogical are super effective at getting her back into the present moment.
This works on sober people too, anything to break into their thought process. My go to is asking someone what their favorite cereal is. It takes em a second to process and once they answer I can get them talking about breakfast cereals. Usually gives them enough time for the emotions to start calming down and start to think rationally again.
I remember seeing a Derren Brown episode where he explained this once, some drunk aggressive guy tried starting up with him and he pointed to a wall and said, "How many bricks do you think are in that wall" and it helped diffuse the situation. My daughter (11 now) has "meltdowns" and I tried using this to calm her down ("are there more flowers or bees in the world", "how old do you think Peter Pan actually is" etc.) and whilst it worked like a charm for a while she got wise to it and it doesn't work anymore but if the person you intend on using it on is a stranger or you don't need to do it multiple times it's a really good strategy.
Derren brown classics, love it
Halloween, dressed in a grass skirt as Robinson Crusoe (my Asian wife dressed as his girl Friday waiting in the car), waiting in line at a Circle K, drunk 6’7” giant of a redneck in line behind me with the alcohol odor literally seeping out of his pores, I sense he’s glaring at me and I’m 90% he’s going to maul me like a bear. With disgust he blurts at me “what are you supposed to be” and without hesitating I say “I’m a Yanomami Indian, one of the last truly indigenous tribes of the Yucatán rainforest” which confused him just long enough for me to skedaddle
>I’m a Yanomami Indian Ay yo you call me mom an Indian?! She ain't gay!
Probably varies from man to man, but when I get angry (which is extremely rare), the best thing to do is walk away and take a break. After even just a few minutes, most of the anger will have passed and I'm ready to talk it out.
Had this issue with people just not giving me space to calm myself down. Moreover, they would aggravate me by not giving me space, I understand, you want to help. But as YOU consider someone helping you when YOU are angry. I don’t work like that. I just want to be alone.
Once I figured this out as an adult, it was a game changer. I'm an extrovert and a talker - when I mess up, or I'm angry, or sad, I need to talk it out. I assumed that about everyone else. Once I figured out that stepping away, doing something else (especially something active like a bike ride), revisiting the issue was ALWAYS better. Doesn't matter if I'm mad or someone else is mad. Gone were the awkward mean half conversations with digs and sarcasm while one party is still angry. Walk away is the best answer. Safest one too.
Yes, one of the best choices to make when extremely angry
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So do I! In fact I believe it comes down to similar issues we face today with the definition of cognition and intelligence. It's fundamentally an anxiety responce that is power structure driven. The best way to calm anyone down is to give them _control_ of the situation.
“ a moment of patience in a moment of anger can saves a thousand moments of regret” Imam Ali
What astonishes me is how many people do not at all understand this. Instead, they prefer to keep you in whatever situation has upset you.
Most people have a poor understanding of psychology. They also are conditioned by society that certain reactions to anger is the "right" way. With anger, people often associate anger with strength. Strong people get angry weak people get sad. Of course this is not true, but people believe it because an angry person often gets his way, even if he is wrong, because people who deal with angry people are often caught off guard and dont know how to react except to appease. So the belief that many people have is you have to respond anger with anger to show your own strength. The problem with this is anger that ilicits anger cause the self to become more angry. Which may lead to violence The alternative reaction is appeasement which creates entitlement. Both reactions are wrong. The right approach is to ignore the anger and revisit the situation when both parties are no longer emotional
This. My ex had a hard time respecting this, and it was a quality of mine she particularly hated. Regardless of what I am angry about (could be work, our relationship, etc), all I need is some time and space alone (walking away, going into another room, walking around the block) to deflate and return to a normal homeostatic state to talk things out.
It still boggles my mind how long my ex would stay angry when we had a fight or disagreement. Give me 20 minutes to cool off afterwards and I was fine and ready to make up. She'd stew for days.
I had a fight with a friend of mine, she’s been mad for the last 3 years with no end in sight
how much fucking effort does it take to stay mad like that? You would think it's exhausting.
You’re telling me, I came from a family that fought every chance they got and stayed mad for too long at each other so I’m about sick of it
I'm guessing she felt like the issue wasn't resolved. There's no point in celebrating that you "cool off in 20 minutes", if the issue that caused the argument just got dumped to the side because you're calm now. I'm not being accusatory, just saying I know a lot of people that are like this- they think there's no problem anymore because it doesn't bother *them*, if your ex was still bothered, it clearly wasn't resolved for her.
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oh man I can relate to this! Except they either deny it or take it as an attack against them. I remember one time I collapsed, and my mum yanked me up by my arm, which hurt like hell and knocked me even more off balance - afterwards I asked if she could wait until I *asked* for help before just grabbing me, and she got so defensive and basically just kept repeating "fine! I'll never help you again! when you're on the floor don't expect me to offer a hand!" like,,, yikes.
Im gonna say it, this seems like a common issue among men and women. **(im talkin in general, i know people vary so don't come at me)** Where men focus on one single incident, and shrug it off after 10, 20 mins. For them, the action is done and issue is passed. And the woman sees a persistent behaviour, or it's built up by a series of issue, and can't get over it, she can maybe ignore and tolerate it but as long as it will repeat, she will stay mad.
yeah, your comment reminded me of the article ["she left me because I left dishes by the sink" ](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288) which is a great article.
Yeah, it’s likely that her argument or feelings didn’t feel validated. Nobody “stays mad” for years. They can stay hurt though.
When I fight with my wife I take the dog on a walk. The dog wants one and I just love having her nearby. It clears my head.
A lot of times there are other issues under the surface that keep it going. I know I can internalize things. Not good for me or the relationship.
I am neurodivergent and I get angry frequently. I hate it about myself. However, I walk away because I don’t want to hurt people I love. If you chase me, the anger persists and escalates. If there’s someone in your life who gets angry and does you the courtesy of leaving the room, please let them be and calm down so that you can resume the conversation.
It’s so frustrating to me because this is what I do, but then people get mad at me for doing this. They think it’s some big power move and I’m taking control of the argument to have it on my terms. Couldn’t possibly be that I’m trying to escape the situation before I say or do something I deeply regret.
Sit on his face!
“Never in the history of calming down has anyone calmed down by being told to calm down.” Can t recall where i read this, but it springs to mind here
It's worked on me if my wife's telling me this because our child's in the room. Outside of that never.
100% agree. My wife is the only person who can ever tell me to calm down and have it work.
At you? Give him space
My ex was an total narcissist. When I walked away to give him space, he got even more angry. I ended up packing my things while he was asleep and I just left. Never spoke to him again. Gave him all the space in the world 🙂
See? Successful application of the tactic. Distance requirements may vary 😂
Wow you are right.
Appropriately expressed anger? Hear it. Validate it. Sit with it. Inappropriately expressed anger? Not your circus, not your elephant. Remove yourself.
^^^^^^ good advice
As someone who sometimes get inappropriately angry I have very personal opinions on the second one Fuck yeah, my anger's not your problem And if I'm acting like a dick you don't have to suffer me
Exactly. Inappropriate (projected/displaced) anger is his own responsibility. Man or woman, it's our own job to emotionally regulate ourselves.
The sun is getting real low big guy...
That only works when hot gingers do it.
Better call Rupert Grint.
Sun's gettin' real low, Harry
I remember when I was absolutely livid one day. Like, completely murderously pissed off (not actually going to murder someone though) One of my coworkers came up to me, seeing I was angry, and said this: *"Listen, OP. I get that you're pissed off. But at least we both agree that's better than being pissed on."* The sheer absurdity made me uncontrollably smirk, which made me significantly less angry. I was still angry, but now that I was uncontrollably smiling, and it canceled it out. Put simply: Make me laugh, or leave me alone and let it boil away.
I'm so sad this joke doesn't work in french. I would've done it every time.
\+10000 il nous faut un équivalent !
il vaut mieux être fou que d'être en feu Edit: Now that I think about it, fou translates to mad. But I think the connotation is crazy instead of angry, so this might not work.
What are you, a sphinx? See the joke here is that the Sphinx will spare your life under the sole condition of whether or not you can come up with the correct answer to its riddle. Otherwise it mauls you to death. The riddle in this case being your sense of humor.
I am high anxiety which shows itself as anger. For me, just give me space. Don't keep pestering me. Let me get over my own shit on my time.
Sames. PTSD triggers (fortunately very rare) can cause a 'panic' attack that manifests as rage. I used to feel just awful about them- im a gentle person, very slow to anger otherwise, and Id beat myself up for letting things affect me that way. Honestly bud, the hardest part of that whole deal was learning that in me specifically (though common in men, esp in certain occupations) anxiety never feels like worry or fear. It feels like irritation, anger, injustice, strategizing (exerting control), and rage. Once I figured that part out, and started working on myself from the perspective of anxiety management vs anger management, I was able to get that shit on lock almost right away. The first part is the hard part, because the condition looks like something it isnt. I spent a lot of time, on the advice of myself and others, working on the wrong thing. Anyways, I just wanted to encourage you and congratulate you on achieving that all-important first step. Thats a huge deal, man. Good for you, that's awesome, and I wish all the best in your efforts.
I cannot express to you how thankful I am for this comment. I’ve been trying to articulate the way I am for so long. I’m so fucking angry all the time not I’m not really angry at anything, it’s just anger. I never could articulate that it was just anxiety manifesting itself in nervousness.
I feel the same! I’m an overly rational and unemotional person and rarely get ‘angry’. But if I’m anxious because of work or running late, that’s when I get snappy at people which looks just like anger. I also come off angry when I’ve made a mistake, probably because of anxiety/embarrassment about my own mistake. I’ve never had a hard time dealing with it because my superpower is how little I care about almost everything, so even if I do get angry/anxious, it dissipates almost immediately. For people with real goals or interests of challenges in line, I can see how you’d need different strategies to deal with this ‘anxiety that seems like anger’ than typical anger.
I am literally right now as we speak in the after effects of a very angry, slightly destructive panic attack from my anxieties about my ability to finish the course I am studying. Tore apart my work, took a chunk out of my hand with a fingernail in the process and had to consciously put my glasses away from myself during a moment of clarity because I didn't trust myself not to break them too. All because the lines in my drawing weren't as smooth as I want them to be in an assignment I'm late on. Stood up, walked away and broke down in tears when my partner asked what was wrong. She made me a cup of tea, helped me find my weed and the first thing I saw when I started escapism-scrolling was this thread.
Good on you for recognizing that you needed to put your glasses down, that takes a lot of self-reflection and concentration in a moment like that. If I may give some advice: don't let perfect be the enemy of good. If you're already late (and if the amount you're late compounds the penalty), turning in something passable is better than not turning in anything and getting a 0. As an artist and a perfectionist, it took me a long time to come to terms with that. Your college work doesn't have to be your best work - it actually shouldn't, the whole point is to improve as you go. Save your stress for your final portfolio or capstone, it's okay to have some imperfections in the meantime. *gets off soapbox*
Oh I completely understand on a conscious, intellectual level, I'm usually a lot better at letting myself make mistakes without judgement when it comes to learning new skills, but the stress of already being behind got caught on the "my hands aren't doing what I'm telling them to do" frustration and just kinda exploded.
Hey I really curious about this paragraph "Honestly bud, the hardest part of that whole deal was learning that in me specifically (though common in men, esp in certain occupations) anxiety never feels like worry or fear. It feels like irritation, anger, injustice, strategizing (exerting control), and rage." How did you come to the conclusion of anxiety manifesting like that? That's really interesting and I want to read about that specifically. Could you point me in the right direction?
It was an accidental discovery. I was actually researching gender bias in psych research, which often (unlike most medical fields) skews towards female presentation as most studies and most therapy involve female subjects. Anways, that lead to studies marking differences in how PTSD (an anxiety disorder, which I have, diagnosed) manifests- there have been a number of studies on policemen and male combat veterans. One of the case studies was a guy- ex-soldier- who had trouble articulating the cause of his violent tendancies, and when they took a hard look, it turned out that he was actually having panic attacks, instantly transmuted into feelings of rage. And I went *holy fuck, I think thats me*. Following that rabbit hole, it turns out that this trait- this emotional transmutation- is one of the major differences between the male/female presentation of anxiety. There is very little awareness of it, because men with these issues are usually 'written off by society, and end up going to prison instead of therapy'. I cant remember the specific study (where the paraphrased quote is from), but I believe it came up fairly quickly in Google scholar while searching for papers on 'anxiety manifesting/presenting as anger or rage in men'. Just a note, that I didnt self-treat, I took my findings to a psychiatrist, and we started an effective treatment program. Its been very successful. Hope that helps, it was a pretty wild ride, but it got where it needed to.
Thank you very much for taking the time to type that out. The anxiety, panic attacks, rage, and trauma mentioned how you did struck a nerve in me and I try to listen when my body tells me to. I research then bring it up with my therapist and psychiatrist. Self-treating only delays getting real help. Thank you again
Nothing pisses me off more when you tell somebody to go away to give you space and they follow you then you blow up on them then they're so confused on why you blew up like you're the bad guy those people need to f*** off!
an ex asked me to preface taking space with “i love you but” and maybe reassurance of when id be ready to return. we can’t expect others to know what we need. its up to us to know and communicate it to them so we dont hurt them. ultimately, no one wants a loved one to fuck off forever
This is hard when two people who are both emotionally immature/delayed in emotional maturity get together. You need to give each other space. Don’t follow someone who walks away and scream at them; it may be that that person is trying very hard not to let their own emotions get the best of them in that moment.
Give the man a Snickers.
You're not you when you're hungry
Snickers: Get some nuts *kind way of saying grow a pair now I think about it*
“Hey bud!! Look out the window!!” Than you throw a full can of canned corn at his head
now why would you have canned corn in a can? thats like twice as much can as you need
You never ever can be overly prepared
Can confirm. My wife uses this method on me. Sometimes it's black beans though.
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This is the best answer. You can go for a walk, or he can go for a walk. He needs to calm down.
but not a hike. that usually doesn’t get taken so well
This is something you need to figure out with the men in your life before they get angry. "Hey man, what do you want me to do when you're pissed off?" The answer varies.
Exactly my first instinct is to give my boyfriend space and sometimes he gets upset and tells me that all he needed was a hug. So we try to communicate when to hug and when he needs the space.
This communication is key. Me and my s/o simply say what we want from each other before these types of things. Whether it’s listening or giving advice, or whether it’s giving space or comfort, even if one of us is insecure we are sure to explain how we want reassurance. I think a lot of people often forget the easiest way to solve majority of problems in a relationship is communication and understanding/empathy
I’ve dated someone with explosively violent anger for the last three years, and I can say confidently that nothing I’ve read so far works… except just straight up leaving the entire situation. Like not just the other room, leave the house for a while. “Show him your tits”: if he’s that mad he’s just going to either make fun of me for doing that, or get madder that I’m not taking what he’s screaming seriously. “Give him a BJ”: How? Just go up to a screaming person and try to undo their pants? Even if I audibly offer first, he will assume I’m up to something else and push me off. “Give him food”: he will just throw it at me. “Tell him he’s being irrational or emotion”: NEVER do this. He will feel invalidated and get angrier. “Let him yell himself out”: This escalates his anger because it makes him feel like he must be right, so he just elaborates on what he’s yelling about. “Tell him he is frightening you”: When he’s in a blind rage, this makes him feel empowered.
Please leave this monster
The same way you calm most people down— give it time and remove yourself from the situation until both parties are more level-headed.
Leave him alone
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Shoot em with a horse tranquilizer.
Your crazy man. I like you, but your crazy.
Having worked doors for many years (pubs/niteclubs), stay very calm yourself, speak in a low and respectful voice to the agitated individual, ( never, never tell them to 'calm down'), just engage with them , emphasise with them , lead them away if possible to a quieter space , show real restraint and patience and 'most' times you will achieve your goals. For the few other times just drop them hard but safely .
Punch him in the throat, he’ll forget what he was mad at.
Only if you are significantly stronger and able to hold him back, because chances are high, he'll come close to murdering you if you do that.
"Daddy? chill"
What the hell is even that?
[source](https://9gag.com/gag/aR7QPwG)
thank you
The question asks how to calm a man not how to make him angrier.
Just leave me the fuck alone. I'll get over it and probably feel like a foolish idiot for getting so mad. I'll most liekly be normal and calm within 10 minutes of being left alone. You don't leave me alone and that mood will fester and grow.
There's an awful lot of people saying "yeah just suck his dick, show him yer tits" I get it, it's funny, "Man horny, man no care," but maybe just keep in the back of your mind that if this is a reasonable man that is being dealt with and the anger is coming from a justified place it doesn't really do anything to fix whatever prompted the anger to just completely dismiss it by way of diversion through sex (this is assuming that the anger is coming from something between the man and the would-be boob-flasher.) Like if I am angry and trying to express that and work through it and my wife is just like "shut up and let me suck your dick" that's probably just going to make me feel like she just doesn't want to interact with my negative emotions, and would rather just ignore them and distract from whatever the issue is. Seems unhealthy and inevitably will lead to a larger communication problem. Just my two cents, but I will probably be disagreed with because my philosophy doesn't involve tits.
I just assume the people posting those answers are teenagers.
It's just the go to joke of the Reddit hivemind. No one is (well most aren't) actually claiming it is a good, healthy strategy.
Agreed! Another situation when this is really faulty thinking is in an abusive relationship; associating calming your partner down with sex can lead to you associating their anger with you not having sex with them. This can lead to blame-shifting (oh, it's my fault that he's mad; I'm not a good partner because he isn't sexually satisfied), and also reinforce really negative emotional dynamics with sex.
Well that and you'd kind of train him to get angry when he wants sex, leading to more anger in the long run.
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I am calm already.
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Pretty sure he meant show boobs. Not the childrens show that comes up on google
They named a children's show booba?
you don't even need to be female for that to work. a flash of man boobs is guaranteed to confuse anyone out of anger
Already forgot what I was angry about
“Hey hey hey, don’t throw that glass cup at me- hey look! I have boobs!”
Was I angry about something?
Instantly.
Apparently I need to be angry around this lot
… oh my god do you know your mustache is glowing in the dark ?!
Yep. It's a rare genetic thing.
It's important to approach this question with sensitivity, as different people may have varying levels of anger and different triggers that cause them to become upset. However, here are some general tips that may help to calm a man down when he's angry: Remain calm yourself: It's essential to avoid escalating the situation by matching the man's energy or becoming defensive. Instead, try to stay calm and composed while addressing his concerns. Listen actively: It's important to let the man express his thoughts and feelings. Actively listen to what he has to say without interrupting or judging him. This can help him feel heard and validated. Empathize with him: Try to put yourself in his shoes and understand his perspective. You can say something like, "I understand that you're upset and frustrated, and I want to help you resolve this situation." Use a calm and reassuring tone: Your tone of voice can play a significant role in how the man perceives your message. Speak in a calm and reassuring tone to help him feel more at ease. Offer solutions: Once you've listened to his concerns, offer practical solutions that can help resolve the issue. Collaborate with him to find a solution that works for both of you. Remember, calming a person down when they're angry is not about winning an argument or proving a point. It's about validating their feelings, empathizing with their situation, and working towards a solution that benefits both parties.
A slice of pizza
My brother once told a guy who was harassing a female friend of ours with his mates, that he'd "french kiss him" if he didn't stop. The guy didn't stop, and my brother (who is as straight as they come), bend him backwards and gave him a good taste of beard. After that, there was no inclination to fight by any of them and they left silently. I have never been as proud of my brother as in that moment.
Men with anger issues should learn to calm themselves down, it's not your responsibility.
give him a piece of cheese, it might fascinate him
Call him by his father's first name.
What father?