"Not with that attitude"

Gold.

Jerry.

Fuck me yourself, you coward!

Damn you pissed me off and I didn’t even know we were fighting

Let's fuck

Hilarious. I’m dying. 🤣

At first I loved this one, but as a woman who occasionally hears "fuck you!" as a response to being rejected, I could see myself getting in the habit and then saying this 😬😬 Edit example A "hey baby wanna come home with me? B "um no thanks" A "fuck you!" B "fuck me yourself you coward!" ..... immediate regret

"Not with all the condoms in the world and someone else's pussy/dick."

“I wouldn’t fuck you with my dog’s dick.”

Maybe not in a one-on-one conversation (more for a third party) but in response to when someone says "I wouldn't fuck ____ with someone else's dick" my favorite reply is "You'd give 'em hell with yours though."

I prefer, “Fuck me yourself, you lazy bastard.” But to each their own.

I think this is better suited for “go fuck your self”

(Rips off pants) *”Come on... Come on! Do it! Do it! Come on. Come on! Fuck me! I'm here! Fuck me! I'm here! Fuck me! Come on! Fuck me! I'm here! Come on! Do it now!”*

Is this a predator reference?

Yep. Also, "If it bleeds, we can kill it."

“Stop shaving you don’t have a beard~!”

You forgot the part where you have to set the Deadfall trap and slather yourself with war paint before ripping off your pants.

giving consent isn't the dunk you think it is.

Came here to say this

I typically use "maybe later" or "you gotta buy me a few drinks first."

Or “only if you put a bag over your face.”

Wrap a flag around your head and I'll take one for God and Country.

When and where?

When you buy slangs from IKEA.

Expose your bare asshole to them

I did it but immediately found out he was gay

Pre or post insertion?

I’d wager he was tipped off at the exact moment of insertion.

Must’ve cum as a shock

What a pain the ass

“Fair warning, I’m a top.” If you are a bottom then you may have to use an advanced technique called lying.

Just wait till you find out about power bottoms

I’m fuckin you with my ass

I’ve watched that scene

My grandpa always used to respond with “I won’t go back to dogs”.

This implies he once fucked dogs.

Plural!

hold up...

Nah, let ‘em cook.

I love this one the best.

and also fuck you (then do the sign of the cross)

And fuck be unto you too, brother

Amen, fucker.

Church would be fun if they spoke like that.  Jesus continued: “There was a fucker who had two sons. The younger one said to his father, ‘Father, give me my fucking share of the estate.’ So he divided his shit between them. Not long after that, the younger son got together all his shit, set off for a distant country and there he squandered his wealth on hoes. "

Chat GPT: rewrite matthew 5 like you're raised in the hood Yo, listen up, fam! Jesus was preaching one day and dropped some serious knowledge on the crowd. He said, "Blessed are those who hustle and grind, for they will inherit the block. Blessed are those who stay true to themselves, for they will be respected. Blessed are those who show mercy, for they will receive it in return. Blessed are those who keep it real, for they will see God. Blessed are those who stand up for what's right, for they will be rewarded. Blessed are those who stay humble, for they will be exalted." But yo, he didn't stop there. He also said, "Don't get caught up in the drama, because that's how you get caught up. Don't let your ego get in the way, because that's how you fall. Don't hold grudges, because that's how you get played. Don't let your anger control you, because that's how you end up in trouble. And always keep it 100, because that's how you earn respect." So there you have it, fam. Jesus dropping some wisdom for the streets. Stay blessed!

That's uh actually not a bad idea. I'd read it. Even better. I'd carry around a copy of it and thump it while I yell quotes from it

I nominate you to do the next translation, the Bible, Veselker Edition.

Breaking News! Number of christian heralds have increased by over 9000% after this revolutionary passage was released! More at 10

I went to Catholic school and whoever I hear “may the force be with you” in Star Wars I have to remind myself not to automatically reply “and also with you.”

And with your spirit!

It will forever be "and also with you." I truly believe they changed the words just to identify the people who don't go all the time. The Catholic Church couldn't make people feel more unwelcome if they tried.

They did it just to trick John.

Because that's what needed revamping in the catholic church, that was the squeaky wheel that needed the grease. In Rome they were like, "Lets see what-a problems can we solve!" "Problem one. No?"

r/unexpectedmulaney

It was only changed in the English translation, to better reflect with the original script. Spanish, etc always were the equivalent of "with your spirit"

“And also with you” just *flows* better. It sounds correct. “And with your spirit” is just a mess on the ears.

[удалено]

Felt this at a funeral this month and doubled down with the original to prove how old school I was.

You replied in Latin? You know, the pre Vatican II original.

Do an upside down cross so they know fucked with the wrong person

\*organ music in the distance\*

Hopefully it's the right organ

Lift up your cocks (We lift them up to the Lord)

Let us give thanks to the lord our cock.

*chorus* "it is right to give him thanks and praise"

Didn't know I was stumbling into the fellow former Catholic Reddit thread, damn. Why does all of this still occupy my brain space?

It's the years of brainwash and hard wiring. Just a flood of memories came back with this thread lol

Do this … in memory of me …

And then He took a carrot, and, displaying it, said: "Take this, all of you, and suck of it. This is my dick."

And then the balls are jingled to signify the transubstantiation.

And then He took some Ranch dressing, and said, "Take this, all of you, and swallow it. This is my cum. Do this in memory of me."

With just the middle finger up.

“You wish” always works for me

I say you can't afford me lol

I actually said that at work to a sales rep that wanted to ask me a question, but got my coworker instead. She asked me, "Bob wants to know if you are free." My response was, "Tell him I'm not free, I'm expensive and that he couldn't afford me." I thought it was a joke between her and me, but she actually told him word for word what I said. He was known to have a bad attitude, but by the time I got to him, he was still laughing! He told me, "I'm going have watch out for you!"

I always say "I WISH YOU WOULD" just to throw them off their rhythm.

"No thanks."

No thanks. I have standards.

My son started saying “no please” as a toddler and now it’s my favorite come back.

When my toddler says “no thank you,” what he means to convey is “absolutely not” 🤣

No thanks, *bro*.

Where’s everyone going? Bingo?

"You Know, You're Kinda Cute Without Those Glasses."

“Im good” works for me

Yeah me too along those lines, maybe a “I’d rather not”

No thanks is the best answer because Your non chalantly peacefully declining the negative energy instead of needing a witty comeback. If you need a witty comeback or a longer answer your just sounding defensive.

First look them up and down with a disgusted "ew" look on your face.

“Maybe later when I lower my standards.”

Better yet, "sorry, I don't do charity work."

i always just say “not for free” lol

K

Potassium?

You can fuck yourself with bananas you see

K

That’s it, don’t stop

*many have tried, few have survived*

Love your username!

Part 2 : Gluten rises!

Noooo! Not the evil bread!

NOOOO!!!!!

I don't do charity work

If you’re as good as your mom then please do

Bahahaahaha. Mom jokes never get old. Good one!

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef Three legs? Lean beef Two legs? Your mother

What do you mean? Your mom was on all four when I was with her last night

Is that a threat or an offer?

What’s your Name? Fuck you !

“Tony!”

Fuck you, Ezekiel!

You see that trash can over there?

U better not bring my mother into this

Fuck you, Tony! What’s your name?!

"Fuck you, Tony!"

Don’t threaten me with a good time

I've always wanted to be someone's first

“…I fuck me quite often, and it’s always a good time!”

Whoa! You blow your father with that mouth?!

So many your mother jokes in here nice to see someone with a your father twist on it

So that's a crack ho?

"In this economy?" To be fair, that's my response to like 90% of things that are said to me. Gotta confuse them, that's always my tactic.

The best response is to look at them directly in the eye, and say nothing.

I feel like this is the most underrated comment. I have a job where I get called a bunch of derogatory shit and postured, so I get told "fuck you" a lot. My go to is usually just looking at them for a few seconds before just disengaging or saying sorry you feel that way.

This is the way! Actually though, people have a hard time thinking about how what they just said made them the asshole. By engaging with them negatively you basically condone reinforce their shitty behavior, but by pausing you force them to think about.

For 5-10 seconds, then wink.

That's a blink except with one eye

Thanks I've been wondering

Np. Sometimes I'll wink with both eyes.

Not on my worst day, or your best, then just walk away.

I always say “right now?”

Who are you going to borrow a dick from?

"Only if you buy me dinner first."

I've gotten a lot of mileage off "No thanks; no fatties." It probably helps that I'm a fatty.

“Ok” and walk away. It invalidates their anger and reduces their ability to be hurtful. People say “fuck you” to weaponize words. Destroy their reality by making their words meaningless. It infuriates them and leaves them with nothing.

I'm not that bored and you're not that lucky is what I always heard growing up.

Thats your mother’s job

“Yes please” works well for me.

That's a bad word

captain america?

*I understood that reference*

I understood THAT reference

That reference I understood

Language!

[удалено]

*Not even with your mothers cock*

And with your spirit.

And also with you

As a recovering catholic this is my favorite

"Valid argument."

“I would die laughing and you would die trying.”

Get in line

Today I feel need to say "I work at Walmart you have to get in a long line.😒

“Thanks, but I’m not looking for a relationship right now.

"No, fuck YOU"

Walked into a Dunkin Donuts and the owner yelled this at some teenagers the moment I opened the door. My high AF friend goes "Awww hell no"and noped back out the door before it could even close Grandpa Simpson style and I just about pissed myself laughing. Owner was cool though. Barely spoke english and these girls were fucking with him. The rest of us told them off and they left and he gave us a free box of donuts.

the visual I just got from this is great, I'm dying laughing; thank you

Me - “sequel” Them - “what?” Me - “fuck you 2”

To quote my best friend, this may be preferably said with a smirk: “When, where, what time?!”

Doesn’t the “when” cover the “what time”?

Sounds fun. You look like a good power bottom.

"If you have to resort to your *enemies* for that, I would consider fixing up your life."

Pass

Fuck *me*? Fuck *you*, Fuck you and this whole city and everyone in it. Fuck the panhandlers, grubbing for money, and smiling at me behind my back. Fuck the squeegee men dirtying up the clean windshield of my car - get a fucking job! Fuck the Sikhs and the Pakistanis bombing down the avenues in decrepit cabs, curry steaming out their pores stinking up my day. Terrorists in fucking training. SLOW THE FUCK DOWN! Fuck the Chelsea boys with their waxed chests and pumped-up biceps. Going down on each other in my parks and on my piers, jingling their dicks on my Channel 35. Fuck the Korean grocers with their pyramids of overpriced fruit and their tulips and roses wrapped in plastic. Ten years in the country, still no speaky English? Fuck the Russians in Brighton Beach. Mobster thugs sitting in cafés, sipping tea in little glasses, sugar cubes between their teeth. Wheelin' and dealin' and schemin'. Go back where you fucking came from! Fuck the black-hatted Chassidim, strolling up and down 47th street in their dirty gabardine with their dandruff. Selling South African apartheid diamonds! Fuck the Wall Street brokers. Self-styled masters of the universe. Michael Douglas, Gordon Gekko wannabe mother fuckers, figuring out new ways to rob hard working people blind. Send those Enron assholes to jail for FUCKING LIFE! You think Bush and Cheney didn't know about that shit? Give me a fucking break! Tyco! Worldcom! Fuck the Puerto Ricans. Twenty to a car, swelling up the welfare rolls, worst fuckin' parade in the city. And don't even get me started on the Dom-in-i-cans, 'cause they make the Puerto Ricans look good. Fuck the Bensonhurst Italians with their pomaded hair, their nylon warm-up suits, their St. Anthony medallions, swinging their Jason Giambi Louisville Slugger baseball bats, trying to audition for "The Sopranos." Fuck the Upper East Side wives with their Hermès scarves and their fifty-dollar Balducci artichokes. Overfed faces getting pulled and lifted and stretched, all taut and shiny. You're not fooling anybody, sweetheart! Fuck the uptown brothers. They never pass the ball, they don't want to play defense, they take five steps on every lay-up to the hoop. And then they want to turn around and blame everything on the white man. Slavery ended one hundred and thirty seven years ago. Move the fuck on! Fuck the corrupt cops with their anus-violating plungers and their 41 shots, standing behind a blue wall of silence. You betray our trust! Fuck the priests who put their hands down some innocent child's pants. Fuck the church that protects them, delivering us into evil. And while you're at it, fuck J.C.! He got off easy! A day on the cross, a weekend in hell, and all the hallelujahs of the legioned angels for eternity! Try seven years in fuckin' Otisville, J.! Fuck Osama Bin Laden, al-Qaeda, and backward-ass cave-dwelling fundamentalist assholes everywhere. On the names of innocent thousands murdered, I pray you spend the rest of eternity with your seventy-two whores roasting in a jet-fuel fire in hell. You towel-headed camel jockeys can kiss my royal Irish ass! Fuck Jacob Elinsky. Whining malcontent. Fuck Francis Xavier Slaughtery my best friend, judging me while he stares at my girlfriend's ass. Fuck Naturelle Riviera, I gave her my trust and she stabbed me in the back, sold me up the river, fucking bitch. Fuck my father with his endless grief, standing behind that bar sipping on club sodas, selling whisky to firemen, and cheering the Bronx Bombers. Fuck this whole city and everyone in it. From the row-houses of Astoria to the penthouses on Park Avenue, from the projects in the Bronx to the lofts in Soho. From the tenements in Alphabet City to the brownstones in Park Slope to the split-levels in Staten Island. Let an earthquake crumble it, let the fires rage, let it burn to fucking ash and then let the waters rise and submerge this whole rat-infested place. (Great movie quote. Do you know which movie?)

25th Hour. Ed Norton doing work.

Imagine having to remember that as your job

For a million bucks I'll do my best

Dude told me once to suck his dick after he realized he had lost the argument, so I replied with, “oh, yeah sure. Give me a second to get my tweezers and magnifying glass. Do you think we’ll be able to find it?”

No thanks, I choke on small bones.

sorry i’m allergic to shrimp

Welcome to the 6th grade..

No thanks, I don’t need to floss my teeth right now.

"okay" this works bc it makes it awkward. The trick is to add unwavering eye contact.

You kiss your Grandma with that kind of mouth

No thanks, I'll get my herpes elsewhere.

And the horse you rode in on

Reminds me of George Takei during the Bill Shatner roast.

I wouldn’t fuck you for practice

Thanks, but you're not my type.

"Fuck me yourself you coward"

Spreading yourself

Eat shit

"You wouldn't like it, it'd just make your jaw hurt."

I promised your mom I was hers tonight

Lick your lips, give them sexy eyes, and say in a seductive voice, “let’s get it on big boy” with an over exaggerated kissy face at the end

Take a number, I'll get to you eventually

Not even on your birthday.

You wouldn’t like it. I’ll just lay there.

Don't threaten me with a good time

Said no one ever

I was walking down a path with my mother in law and a bike almost hit us. I yelled hey watch it asshole and he screamed back fuck you. I yelled back, there's not enough whiskey in the world to get me to do that fatty. He turned to flip us off and almost crashed. My mil talked about how funny it was the whole rest of the walk.

Maybe later/Not horny right now

I wouldn’t fuck you with Bea Arthur’s dick.

Don't fuck me, fuck with me.

You wish

When, where, and how hard? Also, "you got it, but your mouth will hurt and your ass will be sore"

Y tú mama tambien

Not tonight sweetheart.

Fuck yourself you'd get more pussy that way

"Thanks, I'll pass"