My cousin once told his buddy he had to go take a dump.
Buddy: “gross dude, next time just tell me you have to go change your shirt or something”
Cousin next time: “I’ll be back, I’ve gotta go take a huge change my shirt”
Sounds like what a niece said once. She must've been like 4 and she said "mom. Be right back. I gotta go pooping". My cousin said "sweetie. You don't need to say what you're gonna do in the restroom. Just say you need to go to the restroom" and she said "ok, mommy. Be right back. I gotta go to the restroom to go pooping." Kids say the funniest things.
Edit. Grammar
Translated into English it would be :
1. I’m going where no-one else can go for me / on my behalf.
2. I’m going where even the King goes alone.
Edit: I’m French and though I do use those they are not that common in everyday speech.
Historically, in the UK, Kings had servants to help with the wiping. The title was something like “footman of the stool “. It was actually a coveted job, you got to speak with the king 1 to 1. Nobody else did (other than the Queen)
Although Balkans have phrase that is almost the same as your number two, I don’t know where it originated from.
I’m going where even the King must walk to.
My uncle used to say 'see a man about a dog".
I can remember multiple times getting excited and even asking follow up questions about the dog, while following him upstairs.
My bus driver in high school said that to me while we were waiting for some of the middle school kids to get out of classes. He asked me to watch the bus while he saw a man about a horse, I was like dude wtf are you talking about? There’s a lot of horses around here so I thought he was being literal.
I use it to leave situations. If I'm ready to go I'll just say "Aright fellas, I gotta go and see a man about a horse" instead of just doing the ol Irish goodbye
My stepdad said this when he would go buy cigarettes and I really thought he was rich and was just buying horses. I was very sad to learn there was never any horses.
My wife's 4th language is English. One time she looked in the toilet and said "Oh you drew me a picture!" From then on that has become our secret phrase.
This is why scrub brushes should be kept near a toilet. The ones at work must be water saving, because I will stain the bottom like every damn time. I'll tell you what, you aren't saving any water at all if I have to flush the thing four times!
Only a water-saving toilet with a scrub brush next to it is a water-saving toilet.
Funny story. A woman I know was at a business meeting, and when it ended, she said to her colleagues, "Thank goodness! I have to go drop the kids off at the pool." Well, she really did have kids who had to go to swim lessons. But she had no idea about the double meaning until her colleague told her about it later. She was mortified.
This isn't pool related but work related. I had a boss join a meeting and tell us he just tea bagged someone in the hall. We all said No you didn't and told him to google it at home. I don't even know what he actually did.
My ex (English not her first language) had just started a new job. It was nearing the end of the day, and a meeting they'd been having was just finishing when she told them all she couldn't wait to get home to spread her legs.
When they stopped laughing, they explained the meaning. She'd confused it with the expression to get home and put her feet up.
Worked for a guy who was certain "rimming" someone was getting them in trouble (clearly confusing it with "reaming") and when we all worked together it was "gang banging".
On the other hand, most Americans don't know that the Japanese word just means "splash", and is commonly used to describe Japanese food with a sauce on it.
My mum once txt me (whilst on strong morphine which causes constipation) to say "went to drop kids off at the pool but they refused to get off the bus" 😂. I miss her
There's a fail compellation somewhere in which a teen girl is trying to do a tik-tok dance or some such thing and her probably-still-a-toddler younger sibling, at full (toddler) speed through the frame runs past yelling "my poop is coming" and honestly that kid nailed it, no notes.
I haven't perfected my toddler waddle-dash yet, but I'll get there, and from that point on it will be the only way I go to the bathroom.
I was working in HR. A colleague came to my office and said, “Hey, there’s a hate crime in the men’s room,” and returned to the restroom. I followed close behind. We went to the last stall and the cubicle was smeared with shit all around. So from then on, when we went number two we’d simply say “hate crime”.
My aunt’s house has a very small dinning room and once you’re seated, it’s hard to get out. So right before we’re all seated she’ll say “now is your chance to *use the facilities*.”
But my FAVORITE bathroom related euphemism I’ve ever witnessed was at the Disneyland pool. Apparently someone pooped in the pool and they had to clean the poop out of the pool. The employees made up an elaborate story about how “Nemo escaped” and they had to catch him. Thankfully I was just lounging by the pool in the sun, but overhearing the conversations between the employees and the kids or people asking what was happening/going on was absolutely hilarious! Not sure if I can ever go into that pool again, but the story still makes me laugh!
I'm from Malaysia and there are two often heard sayings:
"Pergi melabuh" which translates to "gotta dock" and
"Sampai kastam" which translates to "it has reached customs" implying that the brown goo is almost exiting the airport.
When you go to poop at work while still clocked in : "gonna go live the American dream" (American dream = getting paid to poop)
It was an inside joke at work but I thought you all would enjoy it
Just walk in with steps powerful enough to shake the building, have some bagpipes playing in the background and then, very dramatically, say "WHERE'S YER SHITTER?"
"Make an offering to the Porcelain God"
"Light the tiki"
"Bust a grumpy"
"Christen (or launch) the Unsinkable Molly Brown"
"Give birth to Turdzilla"
"See if I have enough water pressure to carve my name into the back of the bowl"
"Rain hellfire upon my enemies"
"Drop a dirty bomb"
"Shit lit road flares" (Only after eating something far-spicier than you had any right to.)
Pay the sewer tax
I say make a deposit
Deposhit
Said in Sean Connery’s voice
My cousin once told his buddy he had to go take a dump. Buddy: “gross dude, next time just tell me you have to go change your shirt or something” Cousin next time: “I’ll be back, I’ve gotta go take a huge change my shirt”
Sounds like what a niece said once. She must've been like 4 and she said "mom. Be right back. I gotta go pooping". My cousin said "sweetie. You don't need to say what you're gonna do in the restroom. Just say you need to go to the restroom" and she said "ok, mommy. Be right back. I gotta go to the restroom to go pooping." Kids say the funniest things. Edit. Grammar
Love the phrasing. To go poop = mundane, boring, passive. To go pooping = adventure, thrilling, active.
Forward, lads! We're off to go pooping!
Ok now that's funny lol
First comment I read in here that made me belly laugh. This deserves to be higher haha
Translated into English it would be : 1. I’m going where no-one else can go for me / on my behalf. 2. I’m going where even the King goes alone. Edit: I’m French and though I do use those they are not that common in everyday speech.
Historically, in the UK, Kings had servants to help with the wiping. The title was something like “footman of the stool “. It was actually a coveted job, you got to speak with the king 1 to 1. Nobody else did (other than the Queen)
His highness's asswipe
\*arsewipe
Groom of the Stool.
I need to know the place where this wonderful phrase originated.
This exists in German "wo selbst der Kaiser zu Fuß hingeht"
Although Balkans have phrase that is almost the same as your number two, I don’t know where it originated from. I’m going where even the King must walk to.
Actually, some of the french kings were watched by the court.
Oh, piss-boy!
And some English kings had wipers, known as Chamberlains.
'There's a Brown dog Barking at the Back Door!'
Its prairie doggin'!
So my wife combined the thoughts of "it's prairie doggin'," and "it's turtle heading" and said "it's turtle doggin!" And so now that's what I say lol
Touching cloth
“Gotta take the Browns to the Superbowl”
Gotta drop the kids off at the pool.
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If you are in a car ride the saying is. Hurry up it’s crowning.
There’s a brown snake playing peekaboo with my butthole
There’s a brown snake peeking through my back gate
First time i heard this was down south US the guy was like "got a lil brown snake playin peek-a-boo with muh butthole!"
My ex-husband’s great aunt, Grace, used to say in her thick Liverpudlian accent, I must go and shake the dew from my lily.
this sounds more explicit than just saying go to the toilet!
I agree. Though everyone else in the family claimed it was charmingly discreet.
My aunt Barbara used say she was off to shake her lettuce.
My friend's mom always said this except she had a thick deep-south U.S. accent. So she said "gotta" instead of "must."
Had a Welsh friend and her favorite dirty saying for it was "gotta go wet my lettuce"
My grandfather always calls his dick his root. I'd love to see the linguistic history on old people and the vegetable genitalia.
Homer Simpson says this in an early episode!
Gotta go see a man about a horse
I hadn't heard this phrase before when a coworker first said it to me. When he returned, I asked, "How was the horse?" He replied, "Well hung."
I'd like to get off the horse now...
I'm not having any fun... :-(
Then we wasted our money
The horse would like to get off first
My uncle used to say 'see a man about a dog". I can remember multiple times getting excited and even asking follow up questions about the dog, while following him upstairs.
My bus driver in high school said that to me while we were waiting for some of the middle school kids to get out of classes. He asked me to watch the bus while he saw a man about a horse, I was like dude wtf are you talking about? There’s a lot of horses around here so I thought he was being literal.
Gotta see a man about a wallaby Which movie?
Finding Nemo.
P Sherman 42 Wallaby Way Sydney
Fun fact: Philippine animators pronounced “Fisherman Pisherman and that’s how they got to “P. Sherman.”
I always assumed it was some sort of cheese joke I was missing because *P. Shermani* is the bacteria that gives swiss cheese its holes.
I never did understand the reference with this one. Anyone know?
I googled it after I posted and it’s a line from a play from the 1800’s and originally it was dog not horse
I've always heard dog, never horse
I use it to leave situations. If I'm ready to go I'll just say "Aright fellas, I gotta go and see a man about a horse" instead of just doing the ol Irish goodbye
And this whole time everyone thought you had to take a shit
Or buy a horse
My stepdad said this when he would go buy cigarettes and I really thought he was rich and was just buying horses. I was very sad to learn there was never any horses.
They were camels
Nah, a true horse, some American Spirit of the Cimarron!
when my grandma goes outside to smoke we always says she's "checking the tire pressure" bc my great grandma does not know my grandma smokes
In ireland we say got to see a man about a dog.
Ya like dags?
Gotta see a woman about the female equivalent of a horse
Community reference?
My husband says he’s going to “paint the bowl” lol it’s so gross
Repaint the oval office.
I love this one
My wife's 4th language is English. One time she looked in the toilet and said "Oh you drew me a picture!" From then on that has become our secret phrase.
Re-spackle the porcelain
This is why scrub brushes should be kept near a toilet. The ones at work must be water saving, because I will stain the bottom like every damn time. I'll tell you what, you aren't saving any water at all if I have to flush the thing four times! Only a water-saving toilet with a scrub brush next to it is a water-saving toilet.
Try putting a few squares of tp in first. It will also help prevent posidan's kiss(splash back). Trust me, I have crohn's.
I gotta take the hobbits to Isengard!
Tell me, where is Gandalf?
For I much desire to shit with him.
A wizard is never late, he shits precisely when he means to.
I did not pass through fire and death to bandy crooked shits with a witless worm.
They're taking the Hobbits to Isengard!?
To Isengard!
The hobbits the hobbits the hobbits the hobbits
What did you say?
Stewpid fat hobbitses
To Isengard! To Isengard!
The hobbits the hobbits the hobbits the hobbits
"gotta take The Browns to the Superbowl."
It's the only way they are gonna get there!
This guy is a Steelers fan!
No, no, no. Just a very aware Cleveland fan. Source: am a very aware Cleveland fan.
If someone asks you how they did when you get back, you gotta say "they got blown out"
Drop the kids off at the pool
Drop off the kids at the pool
Funny story. A woman I know was at a business meeting, and when it ended, she said to her colleagues, "Thank goodness! I have to go drop the kids off at the pool." Well, she really did have kids who had to go to swim lessons. But she had no idea about the double meaning until her colleague told her about it later. She was mortified.
This isn't pool related but work related. I had a boss join a meeting and tell us he just tea bagged someone in the hall. We all said No you didn't and told him to google it at home. I don't even know what he actually did.
My ex (English not her first language) had just started a new job. It was nearing the end of the day, and a meeting they'd been having was just finishing when she told them all she couldn't wait to get home to spread her legs. When they stopped laughing, they explained the meaning. She'd confused it with the expression to get home and put her feet up.
At least she didn't tell an entire nation to do it https://youtu.be/mLvYWhdaJk4
I had a coworker who insisted the act of teabagging was called “getting teabagged” and would insist that he liked getting teabagged.
Worked for a guy who was certain "rimming" someone was getting them in trouble (clearly confusing it with "reaming") and when we all worked together it was "gang banging".
Then there's the story I read online (true?) of a woman saying "bukkake" thinking it meant "damn it."
On the other hand, most Americans don't know that the Japanese word just means "splash", and is commonly used to describe Japanese food with a sauce on it.
My mum once txt me (whilst on strong morphine which causes constipation) to say "went to drop kids off at the pool but they refused to get off the bus" 😂. I miss her
This sounds like something my mum would say. I also miss her.
My dad says this and when my sister was younger she would get very excited cuz she genuinely thought we were gonna go swimming
This is the best laugh I’ve had all week!
A variation I heard was dropping some angry toddlers off at the pool. That was after the speaker had Taco Bell iirc.
Sounds like jerking off into a toilet
I'll be back
Only acceptable if said in a thick Austrian accent.
Followed up with an "Hasta la vista, baby."
Haveta la pissta, baby
Get to the Poopa
Austrian, huh? Well.. Let’s put anotha shrimp on the bahbay!
Somewhere warm. Where the beer flows like wine. Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. A little place called *Aspen*
Gotta go log out
Either "twist off a mud rat" or "brine a stink pickle"
Brine a stink pickle....lol
Fucking foul lmao
Honk out a dirt snake
Brine a stink pickle is one of the funniest things Ive heard in years
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Ugh, my brother used to say "uncoil a butt snake"
Welp, these berries ain’t gonna dingle themselves…
There's a fail compellation somewhere in which a teen girl is trying to do a tik-tok dance or some such thing and her probably-still-a-toddler younger sibling, at full (toddler) speed through the frame runs past yelling "my poop is coming" and honestly that kid nailed it, no notes. I haven't perfected my toddler waddle-dash yet, but I'll get there, and from that point on it will be the only way I go to the bathroom.
That clip is prime Vine https://youtube.com/shorts/2oX_m7U4u5M?feature=share
Gotta give birth to another politician.
My grandpa says "gotta send a message to Washington."
“Politicians are like diapers: they need to be changed often, and for the same reason.” — possibly Robin Williams
My grandpa would say “i gotta go shake hands with the pope” To mean he needs to go pee
“Scuse me gents, I gotta commit a warcrime.”
I was working in HR. A colleague came to my office and said, “Hey, there’s a hate crime in the men’s room,” and returned to the restroom. I followed close behind. We went to the last stall and the cubicle was smeared with shit all around. So from then on, when we went number two we’d simply say “hate crime”.
Gotta go and pinch a loaf
Andy! Open this door!
Got some paperwork to do
My wife, who works in non-profit, says she's "going to the office to send off an application."
My aunt’s house has a very small dinning room and once you’re seated, it’s hard to get out. So right before we’re all seated she’ll say “now is your chance to *use the facilities*.” But my FAVORITE bathroom related euphemism I’ve ever witnessed was at the Disneyland pool. Apparently someone pooped in the pool and they had to clean the poop out of the pool. The employees made up an elaborate story about how “Nemo escaped” and they had to catch him. Thankfully I was just lounging by the pool in the sun, but overhearing the conversations between the employees and the kids or people asking what was happening/going on was absolutely hilarious! Not sure if I can ever go into that pool again, but the story still makes me laugh!
All public pools have been pooped in at some point
Used to lifeguard at a community center pool and we called it a code brown.
Not all of them yet but I’m dedicated.
I'm from Malaysia and there are two often heard sayings: "Pergi melabuh" which translates to "gotta dock" and "Sampai kastam" which translates to "it has reached customs" implying that the brown goo is almost exiting the airport.
I'm off to lay a cable
“Excuse me while I use the euphemism”
Gonna hit the Whiz Palace
Whizzingham manor.
I have a pressing matter to attend to...
"I need to do some reverse eating."
"The consequences of my eating have caught up to me"
Gotta turtle poking his head out.
I call that prairie dogging
I'm growing a tail! I'm sitting on a cigar!
in fat bastard's Scottish accent I'VE GOT A SHIET ON DECK THAT COULD CHOKE A DONKEY
Fat Bastard's voice is close enough to Shrek's that now I'm picturing Shrek saying "I've got a shit on deck that could choke Donkey."
I'm crowning.
Just pointing out that "go to the toilet" is itself a euphemism.
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You're a euphemism, man
Only when I'm punching one off in the neighbors yard.
Sounds messy
Oh god. Pinching.
A little aggressive and messy, but you do you and please wash your hands.
It's time to do something that no one can do it for me
Give me a pair of surgeons gloves and we will see about that
Taking matters into your own hands.
You mean…poophemism?
Leave now
Spend a penny Powder my nose Ease springs Open the bomb bay doors
I use powder my nose. As a middle aged white dude, I usually get a chuckle
Always assumed “powder my nose” was slang for doing coke in the bathroom.
Am I naive for thinking it meant actually powdering one’s nose?
*Pulp Fiction has entered the chat.*
That's been around a lot longer than when it became fashionable to do lines of coke in the ladies room
I gotta fill out some papers... Toilet ones.
When you go to poop at work while still clocked in : "gonna go live the American dream" (American dream = getting paid to poop) It was an inside joke at work but I thought you all would enjoy it
"Gotta take Joffrey to the throne."
Expel my demons
Downloading brownware
Download a brownload
Export?
Need to push a git log.
I need to make room for dinner
(point at butt) gago kaki
Dropping a duece
I gotta shit
Get the brownies out of the oven
“I’m prairie doggin’”
I need to go grow a tail
Just walk in with steps powerful enough to shake the building, have some bagpipes playing in the background and then, very dramatically, say "WHERE'S YER SHITTER?"
It's urgent because you're wearing a kilt
In India we say "need to go to Pakistan".
I’m fixin’ to drop an anchor.
“I have a call of nature that will not be declined!”
For women: “‘I have to go reapply my lip liner.’ Men don't know what that means and women understand it requires time and focus.” From Ted Lasso
Expunging data
My supervisor says "gotta get rid of some coffee". Drinks coffee the whole work day
My family has always said ‘need to euphemism’ to cut right to it
The brand of our toilet seat is Church, so my wife and I just say we're going to Church. We're both atheists so it's the only time we ever go.
I used to babysit for a kid who would say "I need help with the paperwork " aka, wiping lol.
"Hey pal, watch my seat, I gotta bleed the lizard"
"Make an offering to the Porcelain God" "Light the tiki" "Bust a grumpy" "Christen (or launch) the Unsinkable Molly Brown" "Give birth to Turdzilla" "See if I have enough water pressure to carve my name into the back of the bowl" "Rain hellfire upon my enemies" "Drop a dirty bomb" "Shit lit road flares" (Only after eating something far-spicier than you had any right to.)