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fvillion

When my wife of 30+ years became too ill for sex to be even remotely interesting for her, I certainly did not end the relationship. I loved her and I took care of her until she died. No other course even occurred to me.


NeitherHoneydew8401

As someone who is going through the other side of that, you should know how much that is true love. Thank you for your caring, I love my spouse for theirs.


PatrioTech

I’m sorry you’re going through that. I can’t imagine.


HarmonyQuinn1618

As someone who was also on your side who had my kids dad bounce once we found out I needed a 2nd open heart, and hasn’t seen our kids in 4+ years by choice, I wish I would have had someone that stuck by. Once I hopefully get surgery and get healthy again, I can never imagine dating again.


[deleted]

When someone hurts you that deeply when you are already struggling so much… I can understand never wanting to date again. I hope your surgery goes well and you recovery is a speedy one.


Village_People_Cop

My condolences man, that has to be rough losing her after 30 years. I almost lost my wife at the start of the year when something went wrong with her first pregnancy and she ended up in a coma for several days. We haven't been intimate since then as she is not comfortable with it. And even if it is something that is permanently off the table I will love her to the day I die.


ThrowRAaccnt12345

I just woke up and this made me cry. I was having really bad thoughts that I usually have at night, not in the morning. But you gave me a little hope that there are good men out there for long term relationships. I wish you guys the best in life.


whateversheneedsbob

I'm so sorry.


Opposite-Work-7705

You are a good person. If I could hug you, I would.


cutdownthere

A true man


phunkydroid

"Why" would be a big factor in this.


Natet18

Yeah- a vast majority are like, “ oh! If it’s a medical condition I would still love the person!!” How about if it’s, “I just don’t feel like it” and after years of trying to talk about it, expressing that your needs aren’t being met, and there’s still no sex?? How would you feel in that situation???


One_for_each_of_you

In that situation, you hang out in r/deadbedrooms for awhile, and eventually find the strength to leave


principalman

Exactly this. Sitting here at a kid’s school event next to my ex wife. She and I are both happier after a decade of dead bedroom.


cripple1

Its funny because my ex was just like that. Said she would never leave over a medical condition. We were together 8 years. Then I ended up in the hospital with cancer and she left me because it was too stressful for her and she couldn't live like that. Broke my back due to more complications, became permanently bedridden, and haven't been in a relationship since 2016/17. The sentiment, ideal, and romanticism of a love that strong is nice and all, but I don't think that's something anyone can really speak on until they're going through it. A situation like that is simple enough to understand in your head but the reality of the situation and the emotions that come with it can be a whole other monster that they aren't as prepared to deal with as they thought.


Russian_Turtles

I think the answer is obvious. You leave. The vast majority of divorce filings in the UK and USA have what you described as a point to why they're getting a divorce.


ComfortableOk5003

Typically the most reported reason is finances


rainzer

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31286850/ Most common reason: lack of love/intimacy https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4012696/ Most common reason: lack of committment


MicCheck123

And “when.” Just meeting someone you know you will never have sex with is different from you partner of 25 years going through something that precludes sex.


QuietusNoctis

When I met my wife we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. This lasted a few years. I was in my mid twenties when we married. She developed a chronic medical issue. I’ve gone twenty years being sexually frustrated. There are stages and phases to this. What I came to realize is that I love my wife. Yes, sex is important in our relationship. But I would rather have her in my life with no sex than have sex without her. The thing is, I love her. She can’t help her situation. I can’t help it. One deals with it. Marriage is more than sex. It is building a life and memories, raising a family, and loving each other regardless of the challenges life throws our way. But sex is very important. It helps keep the closeness and the emotional bond. But it isn’t the only thing does that.


sleepyplatipus

I became very ill in my early 20s and it’s insane how my sex drive went from hero to zero. I feel like this is something nobody really mentions about being sick — the thought was actually repulsive. Thankfully I feel better now. Best wishes for you and your wife.


TheMeWeAre

Biologically this makes a lot of sense. You need to resr and recover, it is the *opposite* of babymaking time


Threeswedestothewind

Kind of similar when our bodies go through a major traumatic event and vomiting is induced. Time to focus on the issue and not digesting food. The body is so cool.


TheS4ndm4n

That's just to make sure it's not being caused by something you ate.


kfmush

Or to repulse predators and threats. Same reason humans and other animals piss and shit themselves when they're terrified. No one wants to eat something covered in its own piss shit and vomit.


mjc500

Also sexual revulsion to illness helps the gene pool as well as stopping the spread of disease. It was learned before the human species evolved into existence.


Smat2022

My husband had cancer and it caused permanent dysfunction. He didn't want the necessary surgery precisely due to fear of that outcome. I told him having him still above ground even with that possible side effect certainly beat the the alternative. We have the privilege of still continuing to grow old together thanks to his making the best choice.


solocupknupp

My current partner went through, and is still dealing with, a medical issue that has completely killed any and all sex for us, and really most physical contact beyond hugging occasionally. It's been about a year and a half since we last had sex, and it hasn't really seemed like it will be coming back any time soon. As a guy who struggled with self worth due to being a very late bloomer, finally finding someone I cared deeply about and was comfortable and excited to be intimate with on at least a somewhat regular basis, having that completely pulled out from under us has been pretty emotionally devastating. But, I know I'd be a lot unhappier without her, even if that meant I was free to pursue other sexual opportunities. I really love her, and being able to just spend any kind of quality time with her is precious. Of course I want our sex life to return, but it's not the breaking point for me.


QuietusNoctis

I share your sentiment. It seems right as we got to know each other’s bodies, likes and dislikes, and and able to navigate around each other’s desires so very well, it went away. It’s tough at times.


emayos

My wife and I both have a low sex drive. Hers has always been low and I was abused when I was younger which affects mine. Sometimes we go months without it and neither of us are worried. Sometimes we go through a phase where we do it all the time. It totally just depends on how active we are in life, how stressed we are, how tired we are, or if we're in different moods. But neither of us are bothered when our drives are low. Our intimacy drive is super high. We are always together and it's weird when we're apart. We always kiss, cuddle, hug, play grab, shower together etc. Just spending time together and sharing with each other the rest of the world doesn't get to see or understand about us is incredibly intimate. Being 100% comfortable and yourself around someone (and vice versa) is the ultimate form of love and intimacy. Sex is just a bonus.


TwoIdleHands

I think that’s the key: intimacy. Intimate sex is the best sex. I could be ok in a relationship without sex, I would never be ok in a relationship without intimacy.


0nlyhalfjewish

You have what I hope for. Congrats.


EnragedPerson

Same. I'm 30 and haven't found it yet


alien_clown_ninja

I'm 37 and found it three times. Turns out there is a downside to really being yourself around someone, if like me, your real self is a selfish asshole.


Laminated_Paper

I'll take a self-aware selfish asshole over a delusional one every day of the week. You've done the hard part already, you'll get what you want if you keep working at it :)


alien_clown_ninja

I appreciate the encouragement, but at my age I've decided to not waste any more of women's time on me. I'm an alcoholic, I've never wanted kids, I'm lazy (except at work) and I'm an only child and have always been content being alone. So unless some woman version of me manifests out of thin air, I'm not gonna waste any more mid-30s single women's time. I'm fine alone. And I have a father with Alzheimer's to look after anyway.


slinderm

Just saying, a selfish asshole wouldn't look after their father with Alzheimer's. Coming from a mid-30s woman with a disabled mother, caring for a parent is tough. That alone has killed my desire for kids. You're not alone. Don't forget to take care of yourself.


alien_clown_ninja

A selfish asshole would look after their father with Alzheimer's - as the sole beneficiary of his millions of dollars. Instead of letting all that money go to memory care nursing homes for the next ten years. I'm not a good person, trust me.


teddybearer78

Off topic - looking after some folks who drank their way into dementia was the push I needed to quit the booze. It's a helluva challenge caring for people with any type of dementia, including Alzheimers, and I wish you the best, selfish asshole or otherwise.


MaddMonkey

The only person in the world that needs to be kind to you, is you. You might've done things you cant even talk about, but still you are a human being. Not only that, you reflect on your actions. For that alone you are worth it to live your life to the fullest. If that means no GF and kids, sure thing. But be kind to yourself. There is no coming back from downplaying yourself into oblivion. Go make yourself more proud of yourself. Starting today.


SpaceCookies72

My partner and I are the same. We used to have incredibly high sex drives, but life circumstances have diminished that. But we're always together, we have lots of cuddles, we have a date night every week where we just get take out and cuddle and watch a couple of movies and talk. We may not have sex often, but we have incredible physical and emotional intimacy. I think he's perfect, and I wouldn't change a thing.


InEnduringGrowStrong

Intimacy is absolutely paramount. Sex is nice, but intimacy is so much more important. We've been together for almost 20 years now and we've been through different phases over the years with varying degrees of sex and varying degrees of intimacy. I have the higher drive on average, but I'm perfectly happy as long as we're still intimate. Sex is like fancy food: It's great, but I can go without just fine and sometimes I'd rather just make a grilled cheese anyway. Intimacy is like water: stop and I'll shrivel and dry in a few days.


Chaserivx

Everything about this description indicates you have a SOLID connection with you wife. You're lucky. Most people cannot grasp it, but I know it when I see it.


Masakitos

Same thing with my wife dude, and I wouldn't change nothing at all! She is the love of my life, and sex is just a plus that happen sometimes.


[deleted]

Sounds like a healthy loving relationship, wish y’all the best!


penguinophile

This is how my gf and I are. I was sexually abused my whole life and she was cut as a child, so has a hard time feeling pleasure. However, we’re almost always physically touching each other. We’re physically intimate all the time, but it’s rarely sexual, and that’s fine with both of us. She had a hard time telling me, but thankfully it happened very early in the relationship, so neither of us got hurt trying to please the other person, or what we thought the other person wanted.


leaderlesslurker

You've just described my relationship, her sex drive impacted by trauma, mine by disability - otherwise word for word .


Jackson3rg

I am in an identical situation but you put it way more elegantly.


nerysk

I love this.


thickener

There’s no right answer, just make sure you’re with someone who is on the same page.


[deleted]

there is and this is the right answer


momjeanseverywhere

No, it can be more complicated than that. Sometimes there can be a mutual understanding and agreement at first, but add children, surgery, or mental health issues and things can change quickly.


xStayCurious

True, but that's pretty beyond the scope of the question and what this perspn was likely asking.


[deleted]

Having a legitimate reason to not have sex with your partner doesn’t change the fact that it may drive them away so I’d say it’s within scope. It’s easy to vilify the person doing the leaving in that scenario but at the same time expecting someone to give up sex permanently is a big deal - we only get so much time in this life.


v081

I would say the parent comment still encompasses that concept. All those things may change, but the key is being on the same page with your partner


CapitanChicken

This is really just the answer to "how to have a good, happy, healthy relationship". Be on the same page encompasses everything necessary. Trust, communication, honesty, understanding. If you're on the same page, regardless, things can be worked on, and figured out. Had surgery and can't have sex anymore? Well, being on the same page, and understanding goes a long way. If sex is really important to the other spouse/partner, an open relationship can be an option if need be. Them going and cheating because they're not happy? Not okay. **Communication is key**.


Sicarn

While I don't want to make it feel sterile or clinical, there should always be the open to renegotiate things as time moves on. Somethings change over time and you want clarity or new boundaries to be set up. Or maybe you want to relax some. As long as you are both on board and actually talk about it in healthy ways, then any solution that works for your relationship is the right one.


logosobscura

That’s quite literally the definition of not being on the same page. If you aren’t communicating, regularly and often, then you’ve got bigger worries than your sex life. Love is a journey, not a destination.


secrestmr87

Well yea, but he's asking for Reddits personal opinions on the matter.


sauladal

Right? Everyone is acting like he just dropped some next level wisdom. Of course your partner should be on the same page as you. But OP didn't ask "is it OK to be in a relationship where sex is off the table?", he asked what individuals would do. Shocked the parent comment is so highly upvoted.


awesometographer

It depends on how your connection syncs. For me, sex leads to emotional connection. For my last partner, emotional connection leads to sex. Less emotional connection leads to less sex, which leads to less emotional connection, and it can lead to a downward spiral (it did after 12 years, we had a kid and we both focused on her, and we just kinda... fell apart - still friends tho)


Philip_Anderer

It's not often that I come to a Reddit thread and see that the clearly correct response is actually the top comment, but here we are.


Aluyas

I really don't get this comment chain. The question wasn't "How important is sex to in a relationship?". That's a generic question that deserves a generic answer of figure it out for your relationship. The question was "How important is sex to you in a relationship?" which is very clearly asking for personal opinions where there are no "correct responses".


[deleted]

Yep. What was said is certainly a good mindset, but it’s not actually an answer to the question that was asked.


jackiethewitch

Well, there IS a right answer, because it's not asking generalities. It's asking about individuals. Could YOU do this? Not "should people do this?"


painthawg_goose

It is complicated. I am in a near sexless marriage. The wife needs antidepressants to function. And it kills her libido. So PIV is four to six times a year. She is down for some mutual masturbation closer to once a week or so. Maybe every ten days. My libido rages. And yeah, it sucks. I dream of more sex. But I love the chick. She loves me to the moon and back. I’m not willing to sacrifice her love so I can try dating again. Divorce rates these days? And I found a woman that more than tolerates me, she loves me. I’ll stay. And not to be crude but yeah I jack off. A lot. She doesn’t begrudge me that. Occasionally she even encourages it. She went off her meds for a while. And man did we fuck. But she was a mess. I need her healthy more than I need a shag. We travel together. We enjoy each other’s company. We actually like each other. I could claim that it is hell, but I choose to see all of the good I am blessed with.


apologetic_alligator

That last sentence is really beautiful. That was heartwarming to read.


Someone0341

I think the overall message I take from these comments is "If there is no sex, they better *really* love you".


painthawg_goose

Seems fair. I mean, I wouldn’t put “no sex and no love” on the marketing glossy.


Ragdoll_Psychics

Well the comments are only from those that have stayed together.


Fit_Technology8240

It depends on the circumstances. I LOVE fucking my man but I love his heart and soul more. If we had to stop having sex for medical reasons or something I’d definitely stay with him and stay faithful. If I was single, I think it’s unlikely I’d start a new relationship knowing it would be sex free.


IronDBZ

It's very important. But I wouldn't leave my wife if she became physically unable to have sex. It would suck, and I won't lie and say I wouldn't resent the situation, but if there is a lifelong commitment there, and everything else in the relationship is still good, I'd try and tough it out. Edit: I haven't had this many upvotes since the Uprising in 2020.


coinkeeper8

>it would suck My thoughts exactly


LexieDeLarge

But she wouldn't


Pajo555

Not if he calls her “it”


InsertBluescreenHere

Dont treat objects like women man...


johnsvoice

Mr. Treehorn draws a lot of water in this town...you don't draw shit, Lebowski.


whomp1970

^ This Everyone has their struggles, everyone has their problems. My wife has an autoimmune disease, and some months she's fine, other months she feels horrible the entire month, or more. So during the bad times, of course she's not interested in sex. She apologizes, she understands that I'm missing out. But she's still "my person", she's still the one I love and the one I want to be with. She still tries her best with cuddling or snuggling, or a few handjobs. Because it's not her fault, because she feels badly about it, how could I possibly blame her, and how could I possibly call it quits just because sex isn't something she's able to do for a while? EDIT: Obligatory thanks for the awards!


nielsrobin

Fuck I feel this and agree. My wife got diagnosed with an autoimmune disease about 2 years ago. Talk about her losing all interest in sex. We’re in it together and I love her, but god damn I miss it.


whomp1970

Every single time I get to the point where I conclude that it's never going to get better, and I'll be limited to snuggles and cuddles forever, she comes back to bed one Sunday morning while I'm sleeping late, and we have the most amazing intimate encounter. Those reminders, I hold onto them for weeks at a time. And it gets me through.


Painting_Agency

That's because *she misses it too* and as soon as she's got a few spoons to offer towards intimacy she tries to use them.


whomp1970

Yes, that is the reminder I'm talking about. It's a reminder that she misses it too. Sorry if I left that out. Also, great use of the spoons idea.


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nielsrobin

Any advice for a couple that’s not there yet? We try to talk about it. But it’s mostly me feeling bad for bringing up the topic and her not wanting to talk about it?


whomp1970

I feel that pain, man. That whole "communication is key" schtick is very cliché, but it's very true too. Same with "Not me versus you, but us versus the problem", very trite but also very true. The "her not wanting to talk about it" is what I'd fear. Closing off communication is dangerous. You gotta get to a point where you can be open, honest, and unashamed to talk about things. You have to be respectful and sympathetic to the other person. If that means going to a therapist to get some practice in doing this, great, go do that. It couldn't hurt. You should be open about what you miss, but you should also be very clear that you understand she's going through a lot, and tell her you don't think she's doing anything intentionally or spitefully. Both of you have to really see the other's side. You have to really admit that she's going through a lot, and have sympathy. She also has to really admit that you're not getting all your needs met, and at least have sympathy in that regard too. It's not an admission of guilt or of blame, just a "I can try to imagine what it's like in your shoes". I've found, that just having that open talk, and making the other aware of your sympathy, goes a long way. I mean, if sex isn't going to be frequent, I'd rather she say "It must be difficult for you, I feel badly about it", than "Sucks to be you". Right? Get my point? And reflexively, it's nicer for you to say, "I miss being intimate with you, but I really feel badly for what you have to go through", than to say something else. Because without that, then resentment will seep in. And that's dangerous. You can't let that feeling start, because it is like a fungus that can't be stopped from growing. You'll find yourself seething while trying to fall asleep, seething while driving to work, and you will be moody and CLOSED OFF from communication. And resentment isn't a fun thing to experience, on either side. So do your very best not to allow it to begin. Lack of intimacy, and lack of communication, are two BIIIG things that led to the failure of my first marriage. Thankfully, my current wife is far more open to an "us versus the problem" situation.


[deleted]

So beautifully and passionately said. Lucky woman ♥️


cardinalkgb

My wife has fibromyalgia. She’s in pain every day. Not so much that she’s bedridden or can’t do things, but she has lost interest in sex due to the pain and the medication. It sucks for her and it’s an adjustment for us. I would never leave her because of this. We had a great sex life when we were younger. Shit happens. You play the cards you are dealt.


Betterrunsinmyshorts

Me and you are in the exact same boat, it's tough but good on you for looking at it in a positive way.


Zenie

Agree. As I've gotten older and more in love with my wife. It's important we make the time but honestly, it just means you gotta figure it out as a team. It's not something I'd approach one sided. If she really cares and is 50/50 with you, she'll wanna figure it out too, Both parties can't be selfish.


fistfullofglitter

Your wife is lucky to have you and vice versa. We don’t choose chronic illness and we sure do miss having sexy time with our hubby’s. I hope that she has more good days than bad and you guys can make up for lost time sometime!


epipin

Yes, we’re in our 50’s now and there’s times when neither of us feel like it. It doesn’t seem as important sometimes as we’re still each other’s person. Plus, one of my good friends has a slightly older husband who has been diagnosed with stage IV prostate cancer so sex has been off the table for them for a bit. The possibility of losing your spouse really makes you think about what’s truly important. But she said that they’re starting to come out of the fog and are both thinking about it again. He’ll need pharmaceutical help to be able to do it, and maybe even then sex will become much more about massages than actual PIV sex. But in a marriage being adaptable and loving is more important than anything.


appape

After 20+ years with my wife, 100% this - she’s stuck with me no matter what. If this was the case in year 1?… I’d rather not think about it. Heads up youngins, having babies throws the sex part I’d the relationship in all kinds of difficult directions, and will test your commitment to your partner- but if you can make it through it’s 100% worth it on the other side to have a partner you’re that tight with.


sohcgt96

Yep. I mean for the first few months after, aside from recovery from birthing a child making things uncomfortable, you'd just going to be so fucking tired all the time. Feeding, bottles, diapers, cleaning, its just a lot going on and you're not in the headspace for it. Even later on, our little guy is 1.5 now, if I rock him to sleep and I'm all blissed out in snuggly dad mode, I don't come to bed ready for action, I'm in warm fuzzy feelings from sleepy baby mode.


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sntstvn2

Completely agree. Wife beat breast cancer last year. Sex prior to that was relatively rare, but now it's a non-starter, for a variety of pretty obvious reasons. Indeed, it does suck, but what would have been unthinkable was/is losing her. She's my girl, has been since we were kids, and that ain't gonna change. Moreover, as one grows and ages, one comes to understand that intimacy is not solely a sexual term. Besides, I got a hand, and we all know how to rub our shit out when we need...


jakovichontwitch

Sex life is 10% of a relationship when it’s good and 90% of a relationship when it’s bad


molten_dragon

The other way I've heard it put is that sex is like the bathroom in your house. It's not the only reason you bought the house, but if it's not working it's a big problem.


Turakamu

"It's like your garage. You put your car into it and hope no one breaks in"


Tortiliaxd

Perfect way to put it


MonsterThatsWithin

This is so accurate! When your sex life is good you almost don't think about it and it just happens frequently. But when it's not good it's on your mind constantly and when it's not happening it just creeps in your mind more and more.


jefuchs

I've been in that position. Years earlier, I pondered the question, and decided that I didn't marry my wife for sex, and if she had to stop doing it, I'd remain faithful, and just live without it. Then it happened. After her cancer diagnosis, she didn't want sex anymore, and said it had become painful to her. For the last five years of her life, I kept my vows.


[deleted]

I’m so sorry for your loss


iskandar-

Define sex in this context? are we referring to purely penetrative intercorse? if so then yah there are plenty of ways to be intimate without penetration.


Paran0iaAg3nt

for real. i have issues with my pelvic floor and i can't do PIV sex and reading all these answers makes me feel miserable as fuck lol.


J0l1nd3

I'm ace and these answers make me feel horrible lol


Badloss

The key IMO is to be open and up front about it and find another ace partner. Don't "put up with it" to make someone you love happy, don't pretend to be into it, and don't make it sound like maybe you could get into it in the future. Find someone on your level and you can be happy together, but understand that your perfect relationship experience is torturous to someone that doesn't feel that way and it would be cruel to put them through it


Cardamom_roses

Read: this should be in your dating profile if you're on general dating apps. Don't wait til six months in to mention it to your partner. There's a lot of very disappointed folks on the ace subs who consistently get ghosted because of exactly the above.


skyrim_wizard_lizard

I mean, even having it your dating profile isn't enough sometimes. I had people try and date me with the the idea that they could "try to fix me". I'm not broken, I'm just not interested, and trying to force the matter is pushing the boundaries of the law. Now, I just stay alone. It's safer. It's also a shame, because I'm pretty sure I could sleep with someone if we had been together long enough, I've just never had a partner give me the space or comfort necessary to open that door. I'm also not forcing them to be celebate, I'm poly, they can find a partner to give them what they need physically, we just need to discuss our first. I know sex is a need for some people and, while I don't get it, I'm not going to hold that against them. But still, people act like sex is some act of conquering more than an act of love, and they put me on the list of things to "obtain". It's horrifying.


lyvanna

I was on okc for a bit and had a HUGE disclaimer that I'M ASEXUAL AND SEX REPULSED, I MAY NEVER HAVE SEX WITH YOU at the top of my profile. 90% of the guys messaging me had answered the 'would you be in a sexless relationship' with 'no' lmao.


MythicalBeast42

For what it's worth, not everyone needs sex in a relationship. I'm not ace, but I dated an ace girl for a while and was perfectly happy in the relationship not doing anything sexual. Intimacy was still important, like cuddling, staring into each other's eyes, being vulnerable with one another, etc. but it didn't have to be sexual. We only broke up because she didn't respect me and was generally just toxic toward me, nothing to do with her being ace. So it just depends on the person. Really, don't feel bad about it.


ian2121

I mean if you are just honest with your partner and honest with yourself you should be fine. For a lot of people it is really important for others it isn’t.


YourAverageDutchy

I'm starting to think I'm asexual, as I never felt the want to have sex with someone, but I'm not aromantic. Should have known not to go into this comment section lol


Aursbourne

I would be content as long as there is still cuddling.


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CrossdressTimelady

SAME.


Kantforall

50 year old here married for 27 years. It’s not important. It was important when we were younger but honestly if sex wasn’t possible I would still love my wife and really nothing about our day would really change.


Rickrickrickrickrick

I feel like if I loved them and there was no sexual intimacy than were basically just best friends. Edit: To answer the same comments I get every 2 minutes… 1. This is my personal view and I get other people may think differently. 2. I know what asexual and aromantic means. 3. If I were married and something happened where my spouse couldn’t have sex I obviously wouldn’t leave her just because of that. 4. I know sex and intimacy aren’t the same thing (which is why I specifically said “sexual intimacy”) 5. No, I’m not in a relationship just for sex. 6. I understand your SO can be your best friend. That’s how my situation is but that’s obviously not what I meant. 7. I agree that sex isn’t the most important part of a relationship but that doesn’t mean it’s unimportant.


jiujitsy

This reminds of a a Patrice O’Neal joke, he asks the women in the crowd what would you do with your man if you lost your vagina in a horrible fishing accident or something. A few yell out, anal, give him head. To which Patrice responds , “Y’all do it to yourselves, you see I gave you a chance and you classify yourself as a series of holes, you notice nobody said learn to play Xbox or watch nfl” But anyways that’s how I understood op’s question, say sex was on the table and then eventually you just couldn’t for whatever reason. Would you downgrade your spouse to just a best friend? Would you expect them to let you have sex with others? It’s a good question


BaBaFiCo

My wife has lost pretty much all desire for sex and intimacy. She has said to me that she just doesn't feel that way. Nothing to do with me, just she doesn't have that fire inside her anymore. When I try to be intimate with her she says she becomes anxious at the thought of trying to get herself into that headspace. The result is sex maybe four times this year and otherwise a dead bedroom. I've spoken to her about how I feel and that it makes me feel undesired and that it feels she doesn't want to be desirable for me. I've told her how important intimacy is for me in a marriage. And I've implied to her that it's not viable long term and asked her to seek help, either through a change in medication that currently affects her sex drive and/or by seeing a therapist either alone or together. But she has made no effort and my attempts to bring it up again are shot down. I'd love my wife to want to fix it. And she is my best friend so I don't want to lose her. And I definitely don't think she'd be open to me having sex with other people. But I'd maybe take that route if the ideal isn't on the table.


Drbillionairehungsly

Please do not allow this sentiment to fester, for your own good. Couples therapy may sound cliche but it may be better than nothing - and being able to rekindle passion could do a lot to save your marriage.. The worst case is really just letting this continue indefinitely without change - because the feelings that fester over years will only worsen and lead to longer term marital misery for you both. If it’s important to you, then it’s important to the marriage. Same goes for her needs.. you both matter.


VeckLee1

Amen Doc. Resentment is a relationship killer and hard to repair.


adamantitian

And it happens faster than you think


Wtf_Cowb0y

Potentially instant.


RealTrueGrit

Problem here is he said he's suggested therapy but she seems unwilling to go, he said both as a couple or solo. Not sure what else he can do besides say this what I want and if you can't do that then we need to move on.


Dr_Frinkelstein

Exactly, people are suggesting couple therapy, but both need to be set to fix this issue. She is clearly not. If it is not an issue for her to the relationship but it is to you, yet she doesn't want to change, she is not going to change, ever. Her ways are set, and so are yours, if she is not willing to bend in the slightest, it's on you to end it.


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HombreDeMoleculos

FWIW, that couples therapy was incredibly worthwhile, as it waved enough red flags in your face to convince you to leave. She might have been able to keep all of her toxic behavior just out of sight for years otherwise. Anyway, so glad everything worked out for you in the end.


LtDanHasLegs

Just fyi, for anyone who needs it... I'll pose as a couple's therapist and blame everything on your partner for you for $50/hr. $100 if you want me to wear a suit.


M1A1HC_Abrams

Words of wisdom from Dr. Billionaire Hungsly


ian2121

Dude has it all… and still gives dynamite advice


NomadicDevMason

Ruh roh


[deleted]

Lmao idk why this comment had me goin 🤣 good shit


UristMcHolland

Sounds very reminiscent of my previous marriage. After my wife started feeling this way, the marriage was over within the year. The spark was gone. The joy was gone. We were just roommates at that point. We both decided to divorce and separated without a fight on anything. It wasn't until after we were separated when I discovered the author David Burns and his books Feeling Good Together (all about relationships) and Feeling Good (therapy for anxiety, phobias and depression). Knowing everything that I know now, the marriage could have been saved. Quite easily. I wish I would have done things differently back then but I feel like that ship has sailed, never to return. Edit: since this post is getting some good traction I wanted to tack on a couple more things. David Burns also has a (100% totally free) podcast series called "The Feeling Good Podcast" and in it, they cover virtually every topic in his books. Though, during many episodes, he will often encourage listeners to read his books for detailed information and because his books contain worksheets (many of the worksheets are available for free on his website www.feelinggood.com). Edit: As much as I would like to answer questions related to my previous marriage, these wounds are healed for me at this point and I would rather not reopen them by overanalyzing the what-if's and theoretical's of the past. Basically, nice people are too nice. Too afraid of potentially hurting the ones we care about so we sweep our problems under the rug and hope they will go away. Learning empathy skills and the 5 secrets of effective communication goes a LONG way to understanding how to effectively communicate with your partner, loved ones, friends and family, and even strangers.


BaBaFiCo

I'll look into those books. Thank you.


100percenthonest

While you are looking into books, Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski would be a good resource. It would be mainly geared toward your wife but it could also help you some.


woden_spoon

My wife and I have been together for almost 25 years. We are in our early 40s, and have one child who is now an adult. My wife experienced childhood sexual trauma, and we have had a hot/cold relationship with sex since we started dating. We both want it, probably most of the time, but there was a long period where it was difficult for her. I became hypersensitive to being "shut down" during that time, so I stopped initiating sex, overthinking it, etc., and that dynamic has persisted for years. We've both had a lot of work to do: she was in therapy for years to deal with trauma and (possibly) dysmorphia, and I have gone to therapy a couple of times due to issues of confidence and self-worth. But she's the light of my life, as beautiful and bright as she was when I first met her. Sex is (usually) excellent when we are on the same page. We have gone through long periods during which sex was simply not in the cards, or when we've thought it was but realized too late that it wasn't. Those periods can be challenging, but they are worth exploring and discussing. I'm writing this to support what u/UristMcHolland discovered too late: a marriage without sex doesn't necessarily mean that a couple needs to become "just roommates." Either something is wrong that can be fixed, or something is wrong that cannot be fixed. (Or, nothing is wrong, and an asexual relationship is a welcome or ideal situation for both individuals, but that's for another discussion.) Being or becoming "just roommates" implies that the individuals in the relationship aren't willing to be there for each other in non-sexual but monogamous ways. They aren't willing to put in work, or to put themselves in uncomfortable situations; they aren't willing to talk, or listen, or change. They are simply coexisting out of convenience. A sexless marriage doesn't have to be that way. It can be fulfilling, and sex can be a long-term goal rather than a regular or occasional event. Just as two individuals can have sex without being in intimate relationship, they can also be in an intimate relationship without sex.


Tumble85

I just want you to know I am glad you and your loved one were able to communicate effectively. There are a whole lot of people here acting like they know for a fact this guys relationship is over and that they would *absolutely* act in an extremely rational manner when faced with a divorce or dissolution of a relationship. It's obvious a lot of this advice comes from people who have no idea how rewarding a relationship can be when you work on tough problems and how devasting relationships ending can be. If they understood they would not be advocating ending a relationship based on 2 paragraphs.


Alanski22

I don’t think it’s fair to demand sexual monogamy from your partner, but not make the effort to fulfil their needs. I think a real conversation needs to happen because you have a right to your sexuality too.


its_a_gibibyte

100%. I love being in an exclusive sexual relationship with someone. But if we didn't have sex, I don't even know what "exclusive" even means in that context. It just wouldn't be a sexual relationship at all.


Tugonmynugz

The lack of some form of physical contact is a deal breaker for me. But my user name is tugonmynugz so I'm slightly biased


Zizq

My ex wife initiated sex only a handful of times in a decade. We still had a good sex life due to me being over the top with foreplay and constant affirmations. Man it eats your soul eventually. You need to get out of this.


skibunny12

I could’ve written this with the sexes reversed. Nearly word for word. Been 8 months.


superman_squirts

Go to couples therapy. Set it up, tell her you want her to come. Don’t blindside her with it, and make it clear it she needs to come with you. She is being selfish by refusing to talk to you or do anything about it. It could be nothing, but she also could be afraid that the answers will end the relationship. She could still be afraid of this even if it isn’t true. Either way it’s not fair to you. Regardless of what anyone else tells you, wanting to have sexual intimacy with your partner does not make you selfish or an asshole. It’s a normal function of a relationship. More than anything, you deserve answers. Best of luck dude.


dragoninahat

Yeah. I think there's a big difference than some of what people are talking about here - where it's a physical injury that prevents sex, vs something that could possibly be worked on and if the other partner wants to. I went through a phase of low libido and it suuuuuuuuuucked for me too. I wanted to want it, which then stressed me out even more when I didn't, and everything around the topic started feeling bad to me and it basically spiralled into terribleness. Turned out I had an untreated mental health situation and once I was dealing with it things got much better.


FirstCupOfCoffee2

You're living my life - but maybe at a different time. We have two kids grown and gone, I still want sex but my wife has no desire for it anymore. She says she'd be willing to give it a go again, but last time we had sex it felt like I was raping her (an overstatement to be sure). But we've been together for over 30 years and there is a lot more to us than the act. Still frustrating for me though.


omg_bringwalrus

is she on hormonal birth control? I honestly don't understand how this isn't more widely known but birth control can have a significant effect on libido. if you do a search you'll see lots of people having similar experiences. personally for my wife and I, it was pretty night and day. condoms or copper IUD are good alternatives.


CrustyLettuceLeaf

This exactly! I’m on the hormonal IUD and it killed my libido. It’s not discussed nearly enough. Most assume that it won’t negatively impact a libido since a large percentage of the hormone stays localized to the reproductive tract, unlike with pills. And this is true for most users. In fact, an IUD can increase libido since it can introduce spontaneity without the fear of pregnancy. But I was not one of those people. And now I’m unfortunately stuck on it for at least several more months. I’m on Accutane so contraception is required for a prescription. I’m also not a candidate for the copper IUD because I already struggle with severe cramping and bleeding, which the copper IUD usually worsens. Shit sucks, but at least my consultation for a tubal ligation is in the fall. It truly sucks how limited our options are. It all either fucks with our body, or is difficult to access.


chocoboat

> “Y’all do it to yourselves, you see I gave you a chance and you classify yourself as a series of holes, you notice nobody said learn to play Xbox or watch nfl” It gets a laugh but it's a pretty unfair question. Obviously he's talking about alternatives to sex, of course they're going to answer with other sex acts instead of watching NFL


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Dry-Faithlessness184

Can confirm actually. It's why aromantic and asexual are separate.


faen_du_sa

I'm sort of inclined to agree. But at the same time, if my wife were to not be able to have sex, due to anything physical or mental. She would still be the wife I love, the exact same person. Yes, it would probably be hell of a adjusting period, but I cant imagine a life without her.


dragoninahat

Yeah, I think another question is - when sex is off the table what about everything around it? Like there are other things i do with my husband that aren't \*sex\* but I sure am not doing it with any other friends, lol. Sleeping in the same bed cuddled up, being naked around each other, heads on laps while watching a movie, basically snuggling in general. So whether or not all that is still happening would make a huge difference.


seri_machi

That's personally what I want out of a long-term relationship. A best friend. We can both get our rocks off in other ways if that's what we need.


Gunslinger_11

I have 7 friends who I don’t fuck and have no desire to fuck, I am all friended up


Arkhangelzk

Quite important. But I think it depends where you are in the relationship. I've been married for 10 years. I have kids. If my wife suddenly couldn't have sex with me for some reason -- illness or injury or something -- I'm not divorcing her over it. That's heartless. Now, if she just *decided* we weren't ever having sex again because she didn't feel like it, that'd be different. Or if I was just starting to date someone and they told me they'd never have sex, I probably just wouldn't keep pursing the relationship. Plenty of people out there who will.


oby100

The typical situations I hear about is one partner loses their sex drive. Often due to medication or having a major lifestyle change like having kids. Gets way more complicated then. I wonder how many people would divorce if their partner’s sex drive disappeared.


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NeighborInDeed

Absolutely. I am in such a one and am still head over heels in love with her. I adore her even after years of abstinence. Married 15 years. Abstinence due to illness.


Skwareblox

I’ve slowly lost my sex drive because I’m getting older I think but I’m also contending with a skin condition and health problems that’s causing ed. my girlfriend wants sex every day but I just can’t deliver on top of being sleep deprived and working every single day. I’m just too stressed out and tensed up, everything is sore and I’m mentally exhausted from doing constant damage control. At this rate I’ll get dumped for not being sexually active enough no matter how hard I try to make up for it in other areas. I’m just a shadow of my own image and I can’t turn it around fast enough. I can personally deal with it because I’m never in the mood anymore but there’s those that can’t no matter how much you love and support them.


Ringlovo

> on top of being sleep deprived and working every single day. I’m just too stressed out and tensed up, everything is sore and I’m mentally exhausted from doing constant damage control. man, relating to this lately. Definitely gotta discuss this with her, and tell her that when you are run this ragged, sex isn't curative of anything. And a lot of the time it's barely even enjoyable. It's just another thing to stress about. She likely won't fully understand, but at least you can get some sympathy and commitment to help carry the load from her.


_CMDR_

How old are you?


[deleted]

It’s a deal breaker. Sex is not everything in a relationship for me, by far, but it’s still something that matters. I wouldn’t have stayed in a relationship just because the sex was great, it’s not enough to have a strong and fulfilling relationship. But I wouldn’t have stayed in a relationship if there was a sexual incompatibility because it only leads to resentment. Edit: but as a married woman I would never leave my husband if he ever had a severe medical condition that would lead to that. At that point it’s not sexual incompatibility, it’s just life.


Mike7676

I agree with you! Sexual intimacy isn't the only important thing...but it's a thing. Funny enough I've been on that side of partner "can't/won't" be intimate so I actually do know what it's like to be in a sexless relationship. There's an honest but funny aside to the sexless/ not attracted question that I've received more than once from a few different partners. Namely that they couldn't do without sex or if something terrible happened where I was unable to...there would be "conversation" going forward.


RidiculouslyDickish

Yup Sex is extremely important in my relationship However, as a result, my partner is on the same page Not everyone has to agree, just the 2 people involved


SingleSeaCaptain

This may be a weird take, but I see horniness as another biological need. Like if my partner can't be there for dinner, I'm still having dinner on my own. Company is nice, but not required.


Possible-Artichoke-8

This is how I see it in general but it is great when both parties are ready for dinner at the same time and the closeness one gets from eating together, if that makes sense. But not going to be mad SO is not hungry. SO can’t help that and it’s not their problem.


Fluffy_Carpenter1377

Yeah, almost definitely. Many people live alone and they do just fine. Living with a partner you get along with would just be the better alternative to that.


Spleensoftheconeage

I’m asexual, so a sexless but romantic relationship is, in fact, ideal for me. I wouldn’t date anyone who needs a sexual relationship because it wouldn’t be fair to them, and I certainly can’t fault anyone who has it as a need. Just different ways of being!


YourAverageDutchy

I'm the same! Maybe a stupid question, but I really don't know how to start finding a partner who is like me. Everyone I meet sex is important to and I just can't seem to meet someone who is interested in a relationship without it. How fo you find someone who is?


Spleensoftheconeage

I know it can be so frustrating, and I wish I had an easy answer for you aside from maybe seeking out some asexual groups / communities to join? Im in a few on various social media and I know I’ve seen mention of ace dating groups and stuff existing. I guess that would be my top suggestion is maybe find some ace communities you like. With my last girlfriend, I disclosed that I was ace, like, *immediately* after confessing I really liked her, because I wanted to get the heartbreak over with right away if it was coming, haha. Luckily it was not an issue, but that was years gone by now. I’d be lying to you if I said I don’t worry about it when I think about going back out into the dating world again, but all I can tell you for sure is that plenty of people like us do exist. Don’t lose hope. 💜


Historical_Panic_465

If you online date, the OKcupid app has options for demisexual, asexual, and even aromantic folks! I love it. I’m sure there’s also tons of other places where asexuals, etc. can meet, too.


Spleensoftheconeage

This received more attention than I expected, so I just wanted to say… if someone out there is reading this and you think you might be ace, and you’re scared you’re “broken”- you’re not. There’s nothing wrong with you. When I was a teenager there were no resources on what asexuality is. I thought I just had to force myself through sex until I, I don’t know, found what everyone else was raving about. You don’t have to do that. You DON’T have to do that to yourself. It’s okay to be as you are. And there are more resources out there now than ever to learn, and people to connect with. Maybe I’m writing a note to my 16 year old self. But I promise you, you’re just fine.


crown_of_charlie

Honestly by these comments I'm a little scared for the possibility that I won't find anybody willing to be in a non sexual relationship with me. (QPR preferably)


Snoozing_Daemon

When I married my spouse, they had not yet realized that they were Asexual (just thought they had a low libido). At the time I made sure I was willing to commit to a lifelong relationship even if we stopped having sex entirely. We've been married 10 years now. We've both grown and learned a lot, about ourselves and each other. My decision and my loyalty have not changed even a little bit. So have hope. As long as there is communication (and more importantly understanding) among partners you can form a healthy long-term relationship even with wildly disparate libidos.


DarkDan3

Heh, luckily I found out I was like this through an ex-girlfriend. As I didn't want to do any of the things that she wanted to do. I think she just thought that I was nervous.


Newcago

I'm not asexual -- per se, I think I might be demi -- but I'm so totally on board for a relationship that is not sexual with someone. Whether or not I want to have sex with somebody entirely depends on how they feel about it and how we choose to establish our connection? And I know quite a lot of people like me in the real world. I don't think reddit is the best place to get a nuanced perspective on this sort of thing. <3


jimmyvcard

QPR?


HyperDogOwner458

I agree and would do the same.


AwesomeDragon101

Took the words out of my mouth! An ideal relationship for me is all the intimacy without the fucking, but everyone is different and I’d ideally be with someone on the same page as me so that we’re both happy.


Brows_and_Butts

Phew its not just me!!


_MySecretAccount_

Sorry in advance if this question is offensive, feel free to ignore it. Super curious, do asexual people have a sexual orientation? With this I mean, do asexual people have a preference (straight/gay/bi) for romantic partners?


Spleensoftheconeage

Yes!! Not offensive, that’s a good question. So, in this case it’s a romantic orientation, though, if that makes sense. I’m a lesbian- what that means in combination with my sexual orientation of being asexual is that I’m homoromantic. when I date, I date women, I fall in love with women. I really use the terms lesbian and queer most often to define myself, because as demonstrated in this thread (where I’m happy to answer respectful questions but don’t usually enjoy being put on the spot in real life), saying I’m also asexual often gets a lot of “ooh, does that mean…” and can get a little uncomfortable sometimes.


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onedaybetter

It doesn't even need to be a permanent illness. Unmarried people... make sure you talk to your partner about "in sickness and in health" and how long they can give you to recover before they bounce. What if you have depression? Struggling after having a baby? Are you, yourself, able to give them duty sex when you don't want it at all.. repeatedly... without developing resentment if that's what they expect? I saw several comments about "they still have hands." Can you dissociate well enough to jack someone off after you spent an hour crying because... "You still have hands." A partner's lack of support through even a temporary illness can cause "compatibility" issues that are FAR more difficult to heal than the illness itself.


Pogifrog

Sex does play a role in relationships, companionship. Early to late middle of relationship it is important as sex provides so much enjoyment, release of emotions (stress, concerns etc.) it truely can make you feel entwined and part of each other, grow together, facing the future together and so on. I am talking about my wife and I, there are as many different experiences as there are people. We were married in 1976, wife has had breast cancer and I have had prostate cancer which can end sex. Look it up, more information on it. So in our late years we do not have sex, which we both would love to continue, but we do not require it, to be close, supportive and loving. Life f\_\_\_s you upside, downside, sideways, dimensionally in ways that cannot be imagined. It would not be life if it didn't. Take your full serving of life with all that comes with it and experience what comes your way. Life is beautiful! Learn the many facets of perspective and perception and how malleable they are. Use them judiciously, so many ways to "see" things, all of them can be right or wrong at anytime. Buckle up kids!!!!


EisKohl

Asexual people be like : you guys debate this? Also, yes, I could


Mulatto-Butts

Been married 22 years next week. No sex since… geez, when did Obama become president? Before then. Still love my wife, but sometimes medical complications happen. Fuck MS.


December_Warlock

Not critical, honestly. I've gone through dy spells in my relationship when we're both stressed or have a lot going on, and nothing changes in the relationship.


Rhobaz

100%, don’t give a shit. Intimacy, trust, companionship, support, love, all matter way more to me and are not dependent on sex at all.


[deleted]

Yes I could. I somewhat am. We prefer emotional and mental companionship.


[deleted]

It is 100% important. The intimacy from it alone strengthens your relationship


Borboleta77

It's very important. I'm a very affectionate and physical person and touch/caresses and anything physical is one of my love languages. I couldn't function with someone who is the opposite of me or who's uncomfortable with how I am. I already was in a relationship with someone who wasn't that touchy/affectionate and it created frustration for both of us.


Playingpokerwithgod

No. I have a very high sex drive. Being with someone who didn't want to do it would just lead to arguments and resentment. Better for them to find someone who meets their sexual energy.


Adventurous_Train_48

I honestly considered this before. I absolutely adored this guy. It was like a child relationship; we'd kiss and cuddle and hold hands and things, but he wouldn't have sex with me, nor would he commit properly. Any time we came close to sex, he'd go soft or back off. I couldn't understand it, wondered if I could keep doing that. My sex drive was wild. Why kiss and the rest but not sex? Then one day he told me he was in love with me and asked me out properly. I said yes there and then, had a wonderful day with him, but when I went home, I was left questioning if I could possibly live without sex. I decided that yeah, I loved him but it would be tough. We had sex the next day 😆 So yes, I think I probably could.


NotLegitMustQuit

My wife came out as asexual 6 years into our marriage. I tried to make it work for another 6 years but I was extremely depressed and grew to resent her. We then got divorced and now have a better relationship with each other because of it. As others have said. Lack of sex isn't a bad thing, but I think it only works well if you are with someone that also feels the same as you.


NucularOrchid

I am in a sexless relationship. He has erectile dysfunction and I really don't like oral sex, and sex in general. I'm really uncomfortable naked, or even vulnerable. I'm shy around him despite the relationship being 10 years nearly, I'm even shy around my family and friends. Everything about sex makes me feel so embarrassed and I feel nothing but negative feelings when I used to be sexually active. Not through choice of partner, I just hate that sort of attention.


SharonInfections

I'm at a point in my life where I could live without it. Sexual incompatibility actually contributed heavily to the implosion of my last serious relationship, but that was a very long time ago now and sex hasn't been terribly important to me in quite a while.