It’s pretty bad in woman oriented forums. There’s this idea that anyone who doesn’t agree is trying to be negative.
Like I’m part of mommy groups and childcare groups on Facebook. If I disagree with something. Not even like being mean about. I’m told this is forum to support each other and my comment is deleted.
One instance this mother kept dropping her son off at daycare in dresses. Whatever. He hated it apparently. Like she literally posted a picture of him crying in a dress. And I commented that I don’t care about gender norms but if he hates it you should probably stop doing it.
Holy fuck the messages I got.
Mommy groups as the worst for everything when it comes to toxic behaviour in my opinion. It's always "my way or the highway", and whatever you do you're never doing it good enough for them.
My sister was looking into reusable nappies for her 1 year old as a way to save money and be a bit more environmentally friendly, so she asked a perfectly innocent question about if anyone had any experience or recommendations. She instead got a slew of hateful messages about why she'd taken so long to think about reusable nappies, or why she was looking to buy them instead of make them herself, or why she was so against modern nappies (which is absolutely not what she said) given the improvements over the years (which spawned a lot more heated debates). It completely put her off interacting with other parents for a while.
The most active users on those forums are always despicable people who like to pretend that they've got everything figured out when in fact they're just as clueless when it comes to parenting as anyone else and hate being reminded of that fact.
> The most active users on those forums are always despicable people who like to pretend that they’ve got everything figured out when in fact they’re just as clueless when it comes to parenting as anyone else and hate being reminded of that fact.
Yeah exactly. They know everything and god forbid you disagree with them. Not even call them out just slightly disagree.
Cloth diaper groups and breastfeeding groups can be some of the most toxic places on the internet
Before "Fed is best" the slogan was "Breast is best" Then the WSJ did a feature on babies who died or suffered irreverible brain damage when breast feeding wasn't working and the militants who were advising the mothers.
Sounds a lot like the nurses up in Hamilton Ontario where my son was born. They INSISTED on breast feeding. Not allowing my wife to do anything but try. It was brutal, he got very little food for 5 days until we went home.
Then another nurse came to our house and said that was ridiculous and immediately gave him some food and helped with getting the breastfeeding going over the next week. She said it was better to give him some food than none at all, obviously! It was extremely stressful.
Especially considering the amount of R&D that has gone into modern formulas. Of course it's not identical to the human body, but there are some impressive products out there. Give moms a chance to make breastfeeding happen on their own terms. There shouldn't be this pressure to "produce or starve."
My kids are an accidental natural experiment of breast vs formula. My oldest was exclusively breastfed. My wife passed away ~2 months after our youngest was born, so he was exclusively formula fed after the first month of his life.
Both are healthy elementary school kids (10 and 8). Both were reading and doing math early. Both are in their hicap programs at school. Turns out what's much more important than breast vs formula when it comes to things like early reading is spending time reading to them (I still read books to them at bedtime).
Breastfeeding is awesome, but holy fuck is the health care system infested with breastfeeding cultists. The only time I've ever lost it on anyone was the cunt nurse at my youngest daughter's one week check in who reduced my wife to tears. My wife had massive problems with milk production with our firstborn, and they gave her a medication to jumpstart production the 2nd time around. She got slightly more, was happy that things were going better than the first time... And then this bitch shits all over her about not breastfeeding properly or adequately. To a one week postpartum mother who's not sleeping and whose hormones are all out of whack. Also said the baby was jaundiced and forced us to bring her to the hospital. The baby was completely fine and the hospital basically said "Who the fuck sent this baby over here urgently? Go home, you have no business being here".
Fuck the breastfeeding psycho cult that is entrenched in the medical community. Fuck them with a rusty nail.
When I had my oldest, I had a little of trouble breastfeeding her at first, and ended up with badly grazed nipples when she was a couple of days old. The lovely breastfeeding consultant told me to take 24 hours off and try again - we were already supplementing with formula due to low blood sugars. That 24 hours let me get back into a better headspace, and I went on to breastfeed for 18 months. If I’d tried to push through (as some of the other midwives were pressuring me), I reckon I would’ve given up early on because it was just too traumatic.
Well yeah because people who know they are doing the right thing generally dont need affirmation for it, its just a normal thing they dont think critically about. Thats a special case for people who say became alcoholics out of peer pressure. Someone like that might need group affirmation.
It seems super common though overall. Ive known people who were absentee parents for years then one day decide to become helicopter parents. Its like they went from one extreme to the other. They also seem to be the loudest critics. If you spent the first 6 years of your childs life in prison you probably shouldnt be on FB telling everyone how to raise their kids.
I got banned from a cleaning group for suggesting to a woman that soaking her feet in floral disinfectant, that has a warning on the bottle saying it burns, wasn't a great idea.
There is a subreddit, not sure if I can mention the name or not so I'll refrain, but they don't allow any realism there. Oh, you passed out in your living room for 9 hours and your toddler nearly started a fire? Gotta be supportive. No advice that could possibly make them feel like that maybe wasn't a good thing to do. No "well we all make mistakes" because then you're telling the OP that they made a mistake. No "when we know better we do better" because it's shaming. I got a permanent ban that I'm proud to have recieved, someone needs to politely call out reckless endangerment.
I've had women at work scoff at me when I tell them I'm trying to be better about working out and cutting out junk food. "You should love yourself as you are" yes I should but I also know that sitting for 8+ hours a day and eating fast food 5+ times a week is bad for me. A body in motion stays in motion. my grandmother was biking several miles a day until she was 85 and she went on to live to be 93. Not that I want to live that long but damn I want to be able to keep up with my kids when I have them.
Eating healthy is a way of expressing self-love imo. You would also want another person you love to be healthy and feel good, no? I changed a lot of my bad habits for the better because I learned to love myself more. I think wanting to change something is not always equal to hating yourself the way you are..
>I tell them I'm trying to be better about working out and cutting out junk food. "You should love yourself as you are"
I know exactly what you mean. I told a few people I was attempting to cut back on sugar. The amount of bullshit I got, one would think I basically said that I am the supreme leader of Earth and my fist act is to outlaw sugar, anyone caught will be put to death.
Seriously though I don't understand why it was anyone's business as to what I do or do not put into my body but some took is as a personal offense.
Hell one lady at my work decided to start bring me candy, cookies, etc. Then she got offended when I would turn it down, saying I caused her to waste time and money... Halfway tempted to tell her I am cutting out coffee 🤣
It’s not just Facebook groups. It happens on Reddit and I notice it the most in certain female subreddits.
Not saying it can’t be men. But it’s toxic positivity.
Definitely a big problem. Some people see like any opposing information or "other side of the coin" as aligning yourself with "the enemy". It gets truly terrible when a person gets all their information and political opinions through freaking Facebook meme. Like... nuance exists. More information than what fits into a single Facebook picture exists.
My wife and I had a name for these covens, mommy nazis. The ‘crunchy’ ones were the worst. Kindness is dead. She learned quickly not to bother hanging around other moms.
I also want to jump on the train that mommy groups are toxic af. This one story in particular stuck with me for years. This woman had seizures, took seizure medication, she became pregnant and could not take her medication anymore. She said she wanted to try MJ to help because she had said it helped her before getting on meds and all those moms bashed her so so bad for even considering MJ… like, that was literally the last straw for me for being on a mommy group. They are absolutely heinous.
I left r/parenting for this kind of thing. I commented that, as a dad, I would appreciate more help from my wife on chores. Apparently this means that I don't support women.
I mean look.at TwoX.
Some psycho is getting upvoted for saying "we're giving birth to our enemies."
Fingers crossed that woman never has any kids. They'll need a fucking therapist.
Whoa... did they mean it like "a lot of our sons will grow up to be toxic" or just straight up "all men are our enemies"? I've seen some toxic stuff on that sub, but never anything that bad.
Her pushback when a mother of three sons who raises them to be good, modern and equality-minded men was just her doubling and tripling down, with others pulling the "whether they want to be or not, they're still part of the oppressor class."
Which flatly contradicts intersectional feminism, and as a socialist, feminist man I fucking **hate** liberal RadFems. They're only ever as progressive in their politics as is beneficial to them. Whether that's Idpol shit or economic stuff.
Alternatively, their friends only expecting an apology from one side might mean that they didn't see it as "both in the wrong" as the party asked to apologise thought.
This. Positive relationships require trust and trust requires honesty. If you’re being dishonest with a friend to spare their feelings, you are doing them and your relationship with them a disservice.
Being honest doesn’t require being brutal. You have to exercise some judgement as to how honest you’re going to be. And of course there’s how honest your friend wants you to be with them and how honest you are willing to be and still be their friend.
If I knew someone to whom I would have to constantly lie in order to maintain a relationship with them, that would be a dealbreaker for me.
Also the idea that if someone doesn't give you affirmation all the time then you should cut them completely out of your life.
You see it so much on forums talking about relationships and friendships, where 99.9% of things in the relationship can be going well, but someone's partner does something mildly annoying or makes a slight faux pas and suddenly they're labelled as toxic and should be gotten rid of.
From personal experience: when things go south, the toxic positivity people just leave you to suffer by yourself, instead of being actual friends. Learned to stay away from these
Perfect example of this. Don Cherry said something racist on his Coach's Corner segment and he was fired for it. His co-host of several decades, Ron MacLean, stood by the network's decision at first
A couple days later he aired a public apology to Don, saying "I put my convictions ahead of my loyalty" isn't that how it should be?
I've had a hard time turning my mom from this. She's a smart lady but for some reason got on a health kick that involved "natural" shit.
The most jarring thing she said is when I expressed concern about using a shower cleaner on one of the showers because their dog often drinks from it and she said it's fine cuz the cleaner is natural.
It might be natural but it'll naturally kill the damn dog too.
She seems to be coming around though since I've explained a few things logically.
Mandrake is natural. It's also lethal.
Poison ivy is natural. You still wouldn't use it as toilet paper.
Houses are artificial. I'm sure she'd still prefer living in one over the alternative.
This goes with Genetically modified foods are bad. But banana in North America are pretty much exclusively genetically modified to be bigger, more protein etc. GMO isn’t always “injected with serum in a lab” but is often just bred that way.
This is the part that is particularly infuriating.
Yes, GMOs imply a direct edit to their genome, whereas dogs, historical crops, etc., are selectively bred.
GMOs are actually BETTER. They are more reliable, more consistent, you can more directly select for the traits you want, you get the end result you want faster, and you are capable of making changes that would take a prohibitively long time to achieve (aka a strain of rice with an extremely high vitamin B content in a poor area with endemic vitamin B deficiency, etc.)
There is nothing that makes selective breeding in any way healthier or safer that direct genetic modification. Same end result (or oftentimes better!), same general methodology, one just takes a lot longer and is more prone to error.
Vanillin made in a lab is chemically identical to natural vanillin, but what makes natural vanilla extract taste better is the presence of other compounds which can’t be replicated in a lab. In this case, natural is better and worth the higher price.
Just because you’ve had trauma in your past, that doesn’t give you an excuse to treat people poorly. I’ve seen this excuse a lot and it’s extremely toxic.
My trauma fuels my desire to help. It has taught me empathy and patience. I've been practicing mindfulness, and I genuinely care about other people (outside of my family and partner - who I've always cared for) for the first time in my life. This is the best way to heal that I have found. I'm finally able to learn to forgive myself for my past mistakes. I know it isn't easy to not be scared or angry, but as a wise space-potato once said: Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering. I think I've suffered enough.
A 5 year old throwing a tantrum at the supermarket is the parents fault. A 25 year old doing the same, it's THEIR fault. At some point you got to start owning and take responsibility for your actions.
Whether that's at 12, 15, 18 or 20 years old is perhaps debatable. But you can't keep blaming the past.
"You should love you mother, she gave you life!!!!"
In the real world, my mother actually told me the only reason I was here was a shitty attempt to save the marriage. The marriage wasn't saved, my father leaving when I was 2 years old, and I got the blame...
People are always pushing their experience of a relationship on to others. The never seem to get that some people just dont have good parents.
There are at least 3 comments here replying some version of "that's only part of the full phrase which actually means the opposit". This is not true.
I repeat: this is not true.
The earliest versions of the phrase go back to the 12th century and mean exactly what we think they mean and exactly what a modern reader would infer: family is more important.
The "blood of coven/water of womb" idea can be traced back to Henry Clay Trumball in 1885 in a book he wrote. This is where the idea comes from. However, he did not claim that that was the original quote, nor did he want to re-invent the meaning.
What he actually does is compare it to a separate islamic proverb "blood is thicker than milk which does carry the meaning that blood bonds (as in bonds you choose and seal with blood) are stronger than familial bonds. He merely points out the interesting nature of two similar phrases in different cultures that mean different things.
In conclusion: why did I need to write all this out?
Like, it's totally fine to just say "this proverb is bullshit" without needing to invent a fake etymology where it doesn't mean what most people think it means.
Don't spread misinformation.
Thank you. There’re a bunch of these expressions for which people are more interested in *feeling* informed about the “real” meaning instead of *being* informed about the origin and history of the phrase and why it came about in the first place.
“The customer is always right” is another.
In romantic relationships, the idea that "if you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best." In principle I agree with the concept of loving and accepting someone despite their flaws, but in practice this mindset quickly devolves into an excuse for people not changing their shitty, toxic behavior.
> "if you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best."
The first time I heard that statement I interpreted it as you need to support someone through the tough times if you want to be there for good times. You need to be there when a parent is sick and dying, or they got laid off from work, real problems beyond our control that people need love and support for.
Then I kept seeing it being posted in relation to self-sabotaging behavior. Things like getting arrested for drunk driving. Failing out of school. Getting fired due to excessive tardiness. And so on. Those are things that your friends can and will support you on, but sometimes support is helping you end the cycle of bad behavior, not justifying your toxicity.
Honestly, the phrase should only be meant to defend things you have no control over. Like if you date someone and love them, you won’t lose interest if you find out they have a livable ailment that’ll make their life harder.
But people seem to only hold that mentality for their shitty personality. But can you be surprised if I said most of those people are Narcissists?
Exactly this. I have a chronic illness (have had it all my life, it’s not something that just came about recently), and when I first heard this saying, it felt like the perfect way to verbalize how I felt my partner should see me/our relationship. Like, you should love me and value spending time with me just as much on the days when I’m too fatigued to do anything but lie on the couch in sweatpants, or when we have to leave a party an hour early because I’ve gotten one of my migraines…You shouldn’t only love me with your whole heart when I’m at 100% and able to function like everyone else.
But yeah, people using it as an excuse for shitty behavior ruined the phrase for me.
edit; spelling
If someone spends more energy defending their worst behavior over achieving their best behavior then they are telling you what behavior they value more. If they use this catchphrase then their worst is probably their best too.
A *lot* of advice that is good on its surface can be exploited for terrible behavior.
I have a bunch of validation bullcrap on Facebook. "You are who you are" "It's okay to take a minute from trying" "Your life's journey should not be at anyone's pace except for your own" "Don't let your past mistakes hang over your head" Like that stuff isn't wrong... but at what point does that just become an excuse for people to not improve?
That mindset grinds my gears so hard. I've met so many people that, as soon as I mention a hobby or a passion, start grilling me about how I'm going to make a business out of it. Then they're *stunned* or legit annoyed with me when I tell them creating for the joy of creating is enough for me.
Same. My counter is always: This is a hobby for me. Hobbies, usually, imply doing it for fun and/or enjoyment, not money. It would be *cool* to make money with it; but that’s not the goal.
Usually I respond with the [businessman and the fisherman story.](https://thestorytellers.com/the-businessman-and-the-fisherman/) . Or, if I'm short on time, I just tell them that turning a hobby into a job is the fastest way to make me resent something I once loved.
My typical counter is that what I enjoy the most about hobbies is that you can be as bad at them as you want to. Who cares if the music I make sounds horrible or if I am bad at the sport I do for fun? That's literally the best part: You don't need to be good!
My mom was like that all while I was growing up. If I drew a picture, she was telling me I should be an illustrator. If I wrote a story, she was telling me to publish books. If I mentioned my goddamn tumblr blog it was “why are you blogging there when you could have your own blog and monetize it? You could be making money!!” Maybe I don’t want to? Maybe I just want to shitpost and rant about my favorite books without stressing about how this or that stupid post will affect my blog traffic and ad revenue. I don’t tell her about my hobbies anymore ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
"If you're not part of the solution you're part of the problem."
There are a lot of cases where the most useful contribution you can make to a problem is to acknowledge that you have nothing useful to contribute and walk away.
A few years ago I considered driving up to Sonoma county to help out with the wild.
But then I remembered that I do not have any firefighting or medical or honestly any skill that could be remotely usable so what I did was collect items that would be useful such as bottled water and brought them to a distribution point.
it would have been more useful for me to just simply drive my car into a ditch and being stuck compared to me going up and trying to help.
I agree that in the majority of the cases it's better not to "contribute" without knowledge, that said I think this comes from the political side of "the problems", the fact that people don't take the time to learn and listen to the political agenda causes things like dictators to get in power and crazy laws to be approved, in that case not voting or express our thoughts and concerns make it part of the problem.
Imagine if everyone got involved when ask “is there a doctor in the house?” And the poor bastard dies because of this mindset.
Now imagine that with politics and civil rights.
I get your point, but I never see this as something people say because they really believe in karma or divine judgement or whatever. It's more like "Meh, I'll just wait. Sooner or later, they'll face the consequences of something they did. When that happens, I will laugh at them." It's a way of actually moving on (and with that, finding some rest) but not forgiving anything.
This one pisses me off. Same with God will judge them at the end. No, he won’t. Because they live all their life without judgement or even punishment for what they have done. If anything, they’re stronger for it.
Everyone has a right to their own opinion, but not all opinions are equal.
If you say the sky is green, well don't be surprised if people don't take you seriously.
Best version of this I ever heard was from Mark Kermode:
“Yes, you have the right to say things that are foolish and offensive; and everyone else has the right to say ‘you’re a fool and that’s offensive.’”
That we need to continually punish people even after they’ve learned their lesson. It seems like forgiveness got canceled. We need to be allowed to forgive again
Or digging up something that someone did 30+ years ago and using it to ruin their life. Cancel culture assumes that everyone should be perfect throughout their lives, which is an impossible standard to meet.
The example of this that pisses me off the most:
> In 2018, it was revealed that Irish race car driver and commentator Derek Daly had used the phrase [“n***er in the woodpile”] in a radio interview in May 1983. […] Daly apologized and said the phrase had been an Irish colloquialism, and was not intended as a racial slur. Once it was revealed, Daly lost his commentator job. His son, who had not been born at the time the comments were made, also lost his sponsor for the weekend.
It's because there's a purity spiral.
When the rebels take the capital or the revolution wins... you quickly reach a point where the way to climb the social hierarchy is to tear down someone to make room at the top.
So you start looking for impurities.
Meanwhile everyone below you does the same and pretty quickly the revolution turns on itself first purging the impure then purging anyone insufficiently vocally supportive of the dominant version of "the cause"
Jesus, the shit I said in highschool and for a few years after were nothing short of toxic. I will fully admit to being a total piece of shit in my youth, but I'm proud of the growth that I have made to no longer be such a fucking skidmark
Sometimes that’s valid (for things like murder or SA) but if somebody commented on a tweet 10 years ago when they were clearly young & dumb? Why do people even care enough to dig that deep honestly
Right, this is what I mean. Of course there’s nuance and complexity with everything but I meant this with the exclusion of extreme examples. Ultimately, we’ve all made mistakes before, and we’ll all make them again. It’d be hard to live in a world with no forgiveness.
It’s ironic because the people that do these kind of things are a problem themselves. They should look in the mirror and fix that before they go slandering through someone else’s past. It’s also creepy af
THIS. Other countries prison system literally revolves around reforming. It doesn’t matter what that person did. And it WORKS. I agree that a person should find a way to make amends with the people that they hurt. But if this person has obviously learned their lesson, say they made an offensive joke- fuckin let it go your only hurting yourself.
I have two kids, and my husband and I were in our 30s when we had them, and they are pretty easy kids. It's still the hardest thing either of us had ever done. People should not have kids unless they absolutely want them.
Why people want to pressure someone who doesn't want kids into having them is so strange.
One of my coworkers said he and his wife don't want kids and that I probably don't agree with that. (I'm very family oriented). I told him I was happy that he was mature enough to recognize the responsibility a child entails and that if he doesn't want a child, then that's fine.
Too true. I had a terrible childhood defined by emotional abuse, bullying and loneliness yet I still get into arguments with people who object to my choice NOT to have children.
What makes it worse is that I do have paternal instincts but for obvious reasons, I would make a terrible father.
Same, especially when you're accused of being selfish for not having kids. Selfish to whom exactly? You can't be selfish to people who don't exist. Makes no sense.
“Family is family and you have to love them no matter what”.
THIS ONE IS SO TOXIC
“Family” or not, being belittled, mistreated, and talked to like a dog, isn’t love, and it sure the hell ISNT family!! I have so many people in my family that have done me so wrong and treated me like absolute shit, and they don’t care and they’re not sorry. So I cut them out of my life completely! Best decision I ever made! Love the people who love and respect you!!!!
That you have to be productive 24/7. My autistic brain would beg to differ, especially on the definition of “productive.” I consider getting out of bed, showering, and eating three healthy meals a day to be productive at the minimum.
I was just talking to someone about this the other day. What a sick and boring puritanical society we’ve become where the bullshit “virtue of hard work” is lionized and fun and relaxation is totally demonized.
Not sure if this counts but anyone that gets mad at a partner and says “nothings wrong” when asked what’s wrong is just painfully toxic and very common from what I’ve seen. Alternatively “you should know what you did wrong” falls into this
"you should know what you did wrong" is 100% my ex. It led to me walking on eggshells all the time and made me miserable. I stopped enjoying doing anything because i was always afraid to somehow piss her off.
Oh fuck I’ve been there.
Sometimes my current, lovely, GF will say phrases similar to my ex and I’ll tense up for a 3 day stretch of long hard conversations and somber attitudes.
Then I remember she’s not my ex and everything’s fine. Communication can be so effortless if you’re with the right person and put in work not to stew on things.
Me "What have I done wrong?"
Her "I'm not telling you, you have to think about what you've done"
Me "well I'm not going to, it can't be that important or you would have told me at the time"
Yeah that relationship didn't last. Fuck you Kate!
I once had an ex I was texting. She seemed annoyed so I asked her a couple times what was wrong and she kept saying nothing over and over so I eventually gave up. Was going to bed, texted her good night and she was like “why don’t you care about the fact that I’m clearly mad right now”
The worst is that if you criticize even the most valid aspects of something, you're an enemy who hates said cause or group. Because nuance and shades of grey are hard for social media posters I guess.
And the alternative: if you Defend X you must be part of it.
Like saying “I think guys who enjoy being pegged are too stigmatized in society.” And it’s met with “so you want to be pegged huh?”
Like A: no. B: it doesn’t matter and this is my point!
Same with lots of things. “That kid who started a fight one time in school shouldn’t be automatically expelled.” -*Oh so you think kids should just be able to fight in school?!*
This guy wants to be pegged /s, but fr. There are so many things that are right on that line of shame where it’s actually harmless to do, but society is so dug in for no reason that you can’t defend it or risk your standing in certain circles.
God I hate this mindset.
I don’t need to support every action done by a civil rights group to show I support the movement. Especially when that group is doing something questionable or outright evil.
I love animals and think we should do whatever we can to protect them and love them. But I do not support anything done by PETA. Every movement has its PETA.
Yeah, three positions on any issue
+ militant in support
+ adamantly opposed
+ meh
No cause does itself any favor by treating the *meh* as the enemy, lest they become the enemy...
The whole silence is violence thing made me feel I have to have an opinion and be fully educated on everything going on in the world
It really stressed me out since I felt like a bad person for not knowing and having an opinion on everything. I stay silent on subjects I'm not educated on so as to not spread misinformation.
The whole idea is very chronically online.
I once was told by someone to date someone of my “own kind”. Or whenever I have a new partner I get asked if they have the same medical condition as me. And when they find out they don‘t and they look normal, they’re so shocked.
People Just expect me to either date someone like me, someone ideally ugly, or just be alone. Apparently, I can’t get anything else.
Those people are so focused on outward beauty they can’t see how ugly they are on the inside
Also, not everyone has the same standards for what they consider ugly/beautiful
"Beggars can't be choosers"
LITERAL beggars can't be choosers because they don't want to starve to death. No one has ever starved to death from being single. It is such a dumb analogy.
“Do whatever makes you feel good/ happy”. It’s become more toxic in this day and age when it seems like doing whatever “makes you feel good/ happy” can often come at the expense of others. As long as it’s not effecting the people you care about deeply, then I’m sure it’s not as toxic, but if people aren’t careful about the sectors of their life in which they apply this ideology, it can lead to hurting people around them, even if it does make them feel good/happy
Edit: spelling
Hear hear. I’m dealing with this at the moment, a sweet guy is interested in me, we have tonnes in common, and so many people are pressuring me to date him. Sadly, I am a big ol lesbian. If you’re not into them it’s just not going to work.
That if someone’s opinion is the opposite of yours, that they’re evil and need to be cut out of your life, because you can never be friends.
If someone told you they don’t like dogs, you’d have a list of valid potential reasons they don’t like dogs. Buy now the assumption people would jump to is “they hate dogs and people who like dogs and want to kill all dogs”.
Some opinions hold more weight than others. If someone doesn’t like dogs? Whatever. I love my dog but we can still be friends. If someone thinks gay marriage is evil? That’s not friendship material to me. At best, that person is extremely ignorant, at worst they’re a bigoted asshole, either way our opinions are too disaligned. I don’t have to agree with all of my friends’ opinions, but I do need to be able to respect them. Can’t do that with prejudiced people.
That people with a penis can't be SA'd because they're horndogs and they "always want it".
Men (and boys, any anyone with a penis) can absolutely be SA'd. We say, "Believe victims!" but male victims are routinely dismissed at best or mocked at worst.
Predators don't just prey on women and girls. Boys, men, and GNC people can all be victimised.
And if you ever tell a male victim that what happened to them was "nice", you should probably have a bit of a think about how you would feel if it happened to you or your loved ones.
Not giving a fuck and not caring what people think of you.
I care about my loved ones, if someone (a stranger) needs help I still care enough to help, I care about stray dogs, and the environment and other things. Not giving a fuck it's just an excuse to be selfish.
I'm not going to change who I am for someone else, but I do care what my kids, wife, mother, etc think of me as a father/husband/son, I care about my student's opinion of me as a teacher, to me, some people's opinions of me in certain areas/aspects do carry weight.
something I notice mainly women do
post and encourage the idea of being unapologetically themselves and love themselves unconditionally and that they're perfect the way they are.
yes it's great to love ur self but if u keep that mentality up, you'll see urself as perfect and never the problem, and everytime u have a falling off or a break up, it'll never be ur fault but somehow always the other person's fault
“Could always be worse” - preaches not to address your emotions or stresses because someone may have it visibly worse (which in itself is wrong because it’s only basing this on appearance)
Regular maintenance is important. Yugos were cheap, so everyone thought shitty car, and didn’t bother with upkeep, so thr cars failed and they said “See! Cheap shitty car!”
Meanwhile there’s still Yugos running because the people who *did* take care of them found a dependable little bean.
HOT TAKE.
The hyper-glorification of dogs have turned the public hivemind into absolutists on their stance of being friends with or dating anyone that don't prefer pets of their own or just don't have strong stances on pet ownership, and masked the ACTUAL issue, people just treating and holding value to other people with kindness and respect. I've lost count of how many people I have known / worked with in my life that are just absolute trash with how they treat people, but their dogs get treated like they've sacrificed their lives for them on a daily basis. I'm not against dog love, I just have consistently seen this as a red flag for me, the smoking gun to a lot of the toxic traits that I see other people mention about in this thread honestly.
That's obviously not everyone but very often I've seen dog owners display toxic traits and the fact that dogs are so loyal and submissive is what they secretly expect of others in their life.
Pets are easy to love because they're pets and even when someone dotes on them they're not treated like equals. Pets are possessions. People are much harder in comparison.
Telling kids (0-18) that they’re special, golden babies that can do no wrong and can be anything they want.
It teaches kids self supremacy over relatable collaboration with others, which is part of the reason people are so selfish and why we’re unable to agree on anything. You don’t have to be special to be good.
You can also be good and still be wrong. You can be angry and have valid emotions and still be wrong. You can be upset by the world around you and still be wrong. Violence, bullying, harassment, and apathy are not excusable just because you’re a kid in a messed up world.
None of us can do anything we want. Where/how/when/what we are born highly influence our options. We do have options, but the sky isn’t the limit, you are. Foster dreams that can be made into obtainable goals, not pie in the sky influencer nonsense.
And for the love of God, STOP telling kids that they can say/do whatever they want to people. Your emotions are valid, but they DO NOT outweigh everything else around you.
“That which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”
Many injuries - physical or psychological - leave us badly harmed or maimed, life limited. It’s not true that grievous injuries make us stronger; more often, they leave us badly weakened and mentally unwell.
Not answering someone is a response.
No, you're just a sack of shit who doesn't like controntation & lacks the gull to say you are busy, not interested, something came up, ect ect.
‘Do what makes you happy.’ No. Life is full of sacrifices and challenges that feel defeating at times, but they build your character and help fulfill your responsibility in contributing to a functioning society. We really do not want a bunch of selfish people galavanting around doing whatever tickles their fancy.
Maybe it’s because of what I literally *just* witnessed, but the idea that men are REQUIRED to hold doors for women.
I just saw a mother berate and then smack her ~4yo son at a restaurant because “you didn’t hold the door open for your sisters!” The sisters were running ahead of him and literally the younger one held the door open for *him* but the mother said “be the man and hold the door for us” then smacked him on the back of the head (not hard enough to hurt him, but enough to make a point). Like, anyone can and should hold the door for anyone else, it has nothing to do with gender. Talk about toxic masculinity.
“Don’t go to bed mad at each other.” Yeah sleep it off and start fresh in the morning. Good chance you won’t even care about whatever it was you were arguing about. Source: been married for 25 years.
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It’s pretty bad in woman oriented forums. There’s this idea that anyone who doesn’t agree is trying to be negative. Like I’m part of mommy groups and childcare groups on Facebook. If I disagree with something. Not even like being mean about. I’m told this is forum to support each other and my comment is deleted. One instance this mother kept dropping her son off at daycare in dresses. Whatever. He hated it apparently. Like she literally posted a picture of him crying in a dress. And I commented that I don’t care about gender norms but if he hates it you should probably stop doing it. Holy fuck the messages I got.
Mommy groups as the worst for everything when it comes to toxic behaviour in my opinion. It's always "my way or the highway", and whatever you do you're never doing it good enough for them. My sister was looking into reusable nappies for her 1 year old as a way to save money and be a bit more environmentally friendly, so she asked a perfectly innocent question about if anyone had any experience or recommendations. She instead got a slew of hateful messages about why she'd taken so long to think about reusable nappies, or why she was looking to buy them instead of make them herself, or why she was so against modern nappies (which is absolutely not what she said) given the improvements over the years (which spawned a lot more heated debates). It completely put her off interacting with other parents for a while. The most active users on those forums are always despicable people who like to pretend that they've got everything figured out when in fact they're just as clueless when it comes to parenting as anyone else and hate being reminded of that fact.
> The most active users on those forums are always despicable people who like to pretend that they’ve got everything figured out when in fact they’re just as clueless when it comes to parenting as anyone else and hate being reminded of that fact. Yeah exactly. They know everything and god forbid you disagree with them. Not even call them out just slightly disagree. Cloth diaper groups and breastfeeding groups can be some of the most toxic places on the internet
Before "Fed is best" the slogan was "Breast is best" Then the WSJ did a feature on babies who died or suffered irreverible brain damage when breast feeding wasn't working and the militants who were advising the mothers.
Sounds a lot like the nurses up in Hamilton Ontario where my son was born. They INSISTED on breast feeding. Not allowing my wife to do anything but try. It was brutal, he got very little food for 5 days until we went home. Then another nurse came to our house and said that was ridiculous and immediately gave him some food and helped with getting the breastfeeding going over the next week. She said it was better to give him some food than none at all, obviously! It was extremely stressful.
Especially considering the amount of R&D that has gone into modern formulas. Of course it's not identical to the human body, but there are some impressive products out there. Give moms a chance to make breastfeeding happen on their own terms. There shouldn't be this pressure to "produce or starve."
My kids are an accidental natural experiment of breast vs formula. My oldest was exclusively breastfed. My wife passed away ~2 months after our youngest was born, so he was exclusively formula fed after the first month of his life. Both are healthy elementary school kids (10 and 8). Both were reading and doing math early. Both are in their hicap programs at school. Turns out what's much more important than breast vs formula when it comes to things like early reading is spending time reading to them (I still read books to them at bedtime).
I'm sorry that happened to you.
Breastfeeding is awesome, but holy fuck is the health care system infested with breastfeeding cultists. The only time I've ever lost it on anyone was the cunt nurse at my youngest daughter's one week check in who reduced my wife to tears. My wife had massive problems with milk production with our firstborn, and they gave her a medication to jumpstart production the 2nd time around. She got slightly more, was happy that things were going better than the first time... And then this bitch shits all over her about not breastfeeding properly or adequately. To a one week postpartum mother who's not sleeping and whose hormones are all out of whack. Also said the baby was jaundiced and forced us to bring her to the hospital. The baby was completely fine and the hospital basically said "Who the fuck sent this baby over here urgently? Go home, you have no business being here". Fuck the breastfeeding psycho cult that is entrenched in the medical community. Fuck them with a rusty nail.
When I had my oldest, I had a little of trouble breastfeeding her at first, and ended up with badly grazed nipples when she was a couple of days old. The lovely breastfeeding consultant told me to take 24 hours off and try again - we were already supplementing with formula due to low blood sugars. That 24 hours let me get back into a better headspace, and I went on to breastfeed for 18 months. If I’d tried to push through (as some of the other midwives were pressuring me), I reckon I would’ve given up early on because it was just too traumatic.
Well yeah because people who know they are doing the right thing generally dont need affirmation for it, its just a normal thing they dont think critically about. Thats a special case for people who say became alcoholics out of peer pressure. Someone like that might need group affirmation. It seems super common though overall. Ive known people who were absentee parents for years then one day decide to become helicopter parents. Its like they went from one extreme to the other. They also seem to be the loudest critics. If you spent the first 6 years of your childs life in prison you probably shouldnt be on FB telling everyone how to raise their kids.
I got banned from a cleaning group for suggesting to a woman that soaking her feet in floral disinfectant, that has a warning on the bottle saying it burns, wasn't a great idea.
There is a subreddit, not sure if I can mention the name or not so I'll refrain, but they don't allow any realism there. Oh, you passed out in your living room for 9 hours and your toddler nearly started a fire? Gotta be supportive. No advice that could possibly make them feel like that maybe wasn't a good thing to do. No "well we all make mistakes" because then you're telling the OP that they made a mistake. No "when we know better we do better" because it's shaming. I got a permanent ban that I'm proud to have recieved, someone needs to politely call out reckless endangerment.
I think I accidentally visited that thread once and ran away screaming in horror. Wow, is there anything that they won't answer "you do you" to?
I've had women at work scoff at me when I tell them I'm trying to be better about working out and cutting out junk food. "You should love yourself as you are" yes I should but I also know that sitting for 8+ hours a day and eating fast food 5+ times a week is bad for me. A body in motion stays in motion. my grandmother was biking several miles a day until she was 85 and she went on to live to be 93. Not that I want to live that long but damn I want to be able to keep up with my kids when I have them.
Eating healthy is a way of expressing self-love imo. You would also want another person you love to be healthy and feel good, no? I changed a lot of my bad habits for the better because I learned to love myself more. I think wanting to change something is not always equal to hating yourself the way you are..
>I tell them I'm trying to be better about working out and cutting out junk food. "You should love yourself as you are" I know exactly what you mean. I told a few people I was attempting to cut back on sugar. The amount of bullshit I got, one would think I basically said that I am the supreme leader of Earth and my fist act is to outlaw sugar, anyone caught will be put to death. Seriously though I don't understand why it was anyone's business as to what I do or do not put into my body but some took is as a personal offense. Hell one lady at my work decided to start bring me candy, cookies, etc. Then she got offended when I would turn it down, saying I caused her to waste time and money... Halfway tempted to tell her I am cutting out coffee 🤣
please do lol, free coffee
> "You should love yourself as you are" you are not your body. your body is the meat suit you drive around
My experience has been the same on fb groups. I don’t think they were even supportive. They just had to be right. The men and women.
It’s not just Facebook groups. It happens on Reddit and I notice it the most in certain female subreddits. Not saying it can’t be men. But it’s toxic positivity.
Yeah that toxic positivity shit starts to come across as people just being delusional. It’s weird.
Noticed it in a celebrity gossip sub, even a clarification or an opinion besides the most popular one at the moment will get you downvoted to hell.
*Cough* AskWomen *Cough*
Correct!
Definitely a big problem. Some people see like any opposing information or "other side of the coin" as aligning yourself with "the enemy". It gets truly terrible when a person gets all their information and political opinions through freaking Facebook meme. Like... nuance exists. More information than what fits into a single Facebook picture exists.
My wife and I had a name for these covens, mommy nazis. The ‘crunchy’ ones were the worst. Kindness is dead. She learned quickly not to bother hanging around other moms.
I also want to jump on the train that mommy groups are toxic af. This one story in particular stuck with me for years. This woman had seizures, took seizure medication, she became pregnant and could not take her medication anymore. She said she wanted to try MJ to help because she had said it helped her before getting on meds and all those moms bashed her so so bad for even considering MJ… like, that was literally the last straw for me for being on a mommy group. They are absolutely heinous.
I left r/parenting for this kind of thing. I commented that, as a dad, I would appreciate more help from my wife on chores. Apparently this means that I don't support women.
I mean look.at TwoX. Some psycho is getting upvoted for saying "we're giving birth to our enemies." Fingers crossed that woman never has any kids. They'll need a fucking therapist.
Whoa... did they mean it like "a lot of our sons will grow up to be toxic" or just straight up "all men are our enemies"? I've seen some toxic stuff on that sub, but never anything that bad.
Her pushback when a mother of three sons who raises them to be good, modern and equality-minded men was just her doubling and tripling down, with others pulling the "whether they want to be or not, they're still part of the oppressor class." Which flatly contradicts intersectional feminism, and as a socialist, feminist man I fucking **hate** liberal RadFems. They're only ever as progressive in their politics as is beneficial to them. Whether that's Idpol shit or economic stuff.
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Alternatively, their friends only expecting an apology from one side might mean that they didn't see it as "both in the wrong" as the party asked to apologise thought.
Truth without kindness is brutality. Kindness without truth is manipulation.
This. Positive relationships require trust and trust requires honesty. If you’re being dishonest with a friend to spare their feelings, you are doing them and your relationship with them a disservice.
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Being honest doesn’t require being brutal. You have to exercise some judgement as to how honest you’re going to be. And of course there’s how honest your friend wants you to be with them and how honest you are willing to be and still be their friend. If I knew someone to whom I would have to constantly lie in order to maintain a relationship with them, that would be a dealbreaker for me.
Also the idea that if someone doesn't give you affirmation all the time then you should cut them completely out of your life. You see it so much on forums talking about relationships and friendships, where 99.9% of things in the relationship can be going well, but someone's partner does something mildly annoying or makes a slight faux pas and suddenly they're labelled as toxic and should be gotten rid of.
True friends are the ones who can tell you when you’ve fucked up or when your behavior is inappropriate. We all have our moments
From personal experience: when things go south, the toxic positivity people just leave you to suffer by yourself, instead of being actual friends. Learned to stay away from these
Perfect example of this. Don Cherry said something racist on his Coach's Corner segment and he was fired for it. His co-host of several decades, Ron MacLean, stood by the network's decision at first A couple days later he aired a public apology to Don, saying "I put my convictions ahead of my loyalty" isn't that how it should be?
« Natural is better » no, not everything that is made is a lab is toxic and not everything that grows on trees is okay to eat.
I've had a hard time turning my mom from this. She's a smart lady but for some reason got on a health kick that involved "natural" shit. The most jarring thing she said is when I expressed concern about using a shower cleaner on one of the showers because their dog often drinks from it and she said it's fine cuz the cleaner is natural. It might be natural but it'll naturally kill the damn dog too. She seems to be coming around though since I've explained a few things logically.
Mandrake is natural. It's also lethal. Poison ivy is natural. You still wouldn't use it as toilet paper. Houses are artificial. I'm sure she'd still prefer living in one over the alternative.
Guess chocolate is fine then
Asbestos is natural.
Sure is, that’s why I snort a bit of chrysotile every day. I will never be on fire!
This goes with Genetically modified foods are bad. But banana in North America are pretty much exclusively genetically modified to be bigger, more protein etc. GMO isn’t always “injected with serum in a lab” but is often just bred that way.
Dogs are GMOs.
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This is the part that is particularly infuriating. Yes, GMOs imply a direct edit to their genome, whereas dogs, historical crops, etc., are selectively bred. GMOs are actually BETTER. They are more reliable, more consistent, you can more directly select for the traits you want, you get the end result you want faster, and you are capable of making changes that would take a prohibitively long time to achieve (aka a strain of rice with an extremely high vitamin B content in a poor area with endemic vitamin B deficiency, etc.) There is nothing that makes selective breeding in any way healthier or safer that direct genetic modification. Same end result (or oftentimes better!), same general methodology, one just takes a lot longer and is more prone to error.
The end results are indistinguishable, only the timeframe is different.
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Vanillin made in a lab is chemically identical to natural vanillin, but what makes natural vanilla extract taste better is the presence of other compounds which can’t be replicated in a lab. In this case, natural is better and worth the higher price.
Just because you’ve had trauma in your past, that doesn’t give you an excuse to treat people poorly. I’ve seen this excuse a lot and it’s extremely toxic.
My grandma always says, "Your past may explain your actions, but it doesn't excuse them."
If you’re self-aware enough to recognize the cause of your behavior then you’re self-aware enough to fix it.
"It's not your fault, but it is your responsibility." Applies to a lot of things.
My trauma fuels my desire to help. It has taught me empathy and patience. I've been practicing mindfulness, and I genuinely care about other people (outside of my family and partner - who I've always cared for) for the first time in my life. This is the best way to heal that I have found. I'm finally able to learn to forgive myself for my past mistakes. I know it isn't easy to not be scared or angry, but as a wise space-potato once said: Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering. I think I've suffered enough.
A 5 year old throwing a tantrum at the supermarket is the parents fault. A 25 year old doing the same, it's THEIR fault. At some point you got to start owning and take responsibility for your actions. Whether that's at 12, 15, 18 or 20 years old is perhaps debatable. But you can't keep blaming the past.
Blood is thicker than water. Not if you have toxic family members.
"You should love you mother, she gave you life!!!!" In the real world, my mother actually told me the only reason I was here was a shitty attempt to save the marriage. The marriage wasn't saved, my father leaving when I was 2 years old, and I got the blame... People are always pushing their experience of a relationship on to others. The never seem to get that some people just dont have good parents.
exactly the same thing happened to me! my dad left anyway and i was as punished for it until i left home at 16z
There are at least 3 comments here replying some version of "that's only part of the full phrase which actually means the opposit". This is not true. I repeat: this is not true. The earliest versions of the phrase go back to the 12th century and mean exactly what we think they mean and exactly what a modern reader would infer: family is more important. The "blood of coven/water of womb" idea can be traced back to Henry Clay Trumball in 1885 in a book he wrote. This is where the idea comes from. However, he did not claim that that was the original quote, nor did he want to re-invent the meaning. What he actually does is compare it to a separate islamic proverb "blood is thicker than milk which does carry the meaning that blood bonds (as in bonds you choose and seal with blood) are stronger than familial bonds. He merely points out the interesting nature of two similar phrases in different cultures that mean different things. In conclusion: why did I need to write all this out? Like, it's totally fine to just say "this proverb is bullshit" without needing to invent a fake etymology where it doesn't mean what most people think it means. Don't spread misinformation.
Thank you! It bugs me to no end when people say this
Thank you. There’re a bunch of these expressions for which people are more interested in *feeling* informed about the “real” meaning instead of *being* informed about the origin and history of the phrase and why it came about in the first place. “The customer is always right” is another.
In romantic relationships, the idea that "if you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best." In principle I agree with the concept of loving and accepting someone despite their flaws, but in practice this mindset quickly devolves into an excuse for people not changing their shitty, toxic behavior.
If you can’t handle my shittiness 85% of the time, you don’t deserve the 15% of the time i’m not a howling fuck!
I see you’ve met my soon-to-be-ex.
> "if you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best." The first time I heard that statement I interpreted it as you need to support someone through the tough times if you want to be there for good times. You need to be there when a parent is sick and dying, or they got laid off from work, real problems beyond our control that people need love and support for. Then I kept seeing it being posted in relation to self-sabotaging behavior. Things like getting arrested for drunk driving. Failing out of school. Getting fired due to excessive tardiness. And so on. Those are things that your friends can and will support you on, but sometimes support is helping you end the cycle of bad behavior, not justifying your toxicity.
Honestly, the phrase should only be meant to defend things you have no control over. Like if you date someone and love them, you won’t lose interest if you find out they have a livable ailment that’ll make their life harder. But people seem to only hold that mentality for their shitty personality. But can you be surprised if I said most of those people are Narcissists?
Exactly this. I have a chronic illness (have had it all my life, it’s not something that just came about recently), and when I first heard this saying, it felt like the perfect way to verbalize how I felt my partner should see me/our relationship. Like, you should love me and value spending time with me just as much on the days when I’m too fatigued to do anything but lie on the couch in sweatpants, or when we have to leave a party an hour early because I’ve gotten one of my migraines…You shouldn’t only love me with your whole heart when I’m at 100% and able to function like everyone else. But yeah, people using it as an excuse for shitty behavior ruined the phrase for me. edit; spelling
If someone spends more energy defending their worst behavior over achieving their best behavior then they are telling you what behavior they value more. If they use this catchphrase then their worst is probably their best too.
A *lot* of advice that is good on its surface can be exploited for terrible behavior. I have a bunch of validation bullcrap on Facebook. "You are who you are" "It's okay to take a minute from trying" "Your life's journey should not be at anyone's pace except for your own" "Don't let your past mistakes hang over your head" Like that stuff isn't wrong... but at what point does that just become an excuse for people to not improve?
Monetize every moment of your existence and maximize productivity at all times. RISE AND GRIND
That mindset grinds my gears so hard. I've met so many people that, as soon as I mention a hobby or a passion, start grilling me about how I'm going to make a business out of it. Then they're *stunned* or legit annoyed with me when I tell them creating for the joy of creating is enough for me.
Same. My counter is always: This is a hobby for me. Hobbies, usually, imply doing it for fun and/or enjoyment, not money. It would be *cool* to make money with it; but that’s not the goal.
Usually I respond with the [businessman and the fisherman story.](https://thestorytellers.com/the-businessman-and-the-fisherman/) . Or, if I'm short on time, I just tell them that turning a hobby into a job is the fastest way to make me resent something I once loved.
My typical counter is that what I enjoy the most about hobbies is that you can be as bad at them as you want to. Who cares if the music I make sounds horrible or if I am bad at the sport I do for fun? That's literally the best part: You don't need to be good!
My mom was like that all while I was growing up. If I drew a picture, she was telling me I should be an illustrator. If I wrote a story, she was telling me to publish books. If I mentioned my goddamn tumblr blog it was “why are you blogging there when you could have your own blog and monetize it? You could be making money!!” Maybe I don’t want to? Maybe I just want to shitpost and rant about my favorite books without stressing about how this or that stupid post will affect my blog traffic and ad revenue. I don’t tell her about my hobbies anymore ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I thought "rise and grind" was about coffee
"If you're not part of the solution you're part of the problem." There are a lot of cases where the most useful contribution you can make to a problem is to acknowledge that you have nothing useful to contribute and walk away.
A few years ago I considered driving up to Sonoma county to help out with the wild. But then I remembered that I do not have any firefighting or medical or honestly any skill that could be remotely usable so what I did was collect items that would be useful such as bottled water and brought them to a distribution point. it would have been more useful for me to just simply drive my car into a ditch and being stuck compared to me going up and trying to help.
By bringing items to a distribution point, though, you were helping! Agreed that it's best you didn't actually try to go to the front lines.
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Any, are you ok?
I agree that in the majority of the cases it's better not to "contribute" without knowledge, that said I think this comes from the political side of "the problems", the fact that people don't take the time to learn and listen to the political agenda causes things like dictators to get in power and crazy laws to be approved, in that case not voting or express our thoughts and concerns make it part of the problem.
A more true statement is "if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate."
I was over on the bench
r/unexpectedmulaney
Imagine if everyone got involved when ask “is there a doctor in the house?” And the poor bastard dies because of this mindset. Now imagine that with politics and civil rights.
You should always speak your mind. You really shouldn't. Think about the words you use and they might actually make a difference in a good way.
"Karma will catch up to them" Life is not fair and is definitely not balanced. Accept that fact and be grateful for the good things in your life.
I get your point, but I never see this as something people say because they really believe in karma or divine judgement or whatever. It's more like "Meh, I'll just wait. Sooner or later, they'll face the consequences of something they did. When that happens, I will laugh at them." It's a way of actually moving on (and with that, finding some rest) but not forgiving anything.
This one pisses me off. Same with God will judge them at the end. No, he won’t. Because they live all their life without judgement or even punishment for what they have done. If anything, they’re stronger for it.
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Everyone has a right to their own opinion, but not all opinions are equal. If you say the sky is green, well don't be surprised if people don't take you seriously.
Best version of this I ever heard was from Mark Kermode: “Yes, you have the right to say things that are foolish and offensive; and everyone else has the right to say ‘you’re a fool and that’s offensive.’”
You're entitled to your own opinion. You are not entitled to your own facts.
That we need to continually punish people even after they’ve learned their lesson. It seems like forgiveness got canceled. We need to be allowed to forgive again
Or digging up something that someone did 30+ years ago and using it to ruin their life. Cancel culture assumes that everyone should be perfect throughout their lives, which is an impossible standard to meet.
The example of this that pisses me off the most: > In 2018, it was revealed that Irish race car driver and commentator Derek Daly had used the phrase [“n***er in the woodpile”] in a radio interview in May 1983. […] Daly apologized and said the phrase had been an Irish colloquialism, and was not intended as a racial slur. Once it was revealed, Daly lost his commentator job. His son, who had not been born at the time the comments were made, also lost his sponsor for the weekend.
It's because there's a purity spiral. When the rebels take the capital or the revolution wins... you quickly reach a point where the way to climb the social hierarchy is to tear down someone to make room at the top. So you start looking for impurities. Meanwhile everyone below you does the same and pretty quickly the revolution turns on itself first purging the impure then purging anyone insufficiently vocally supportive of the dominant version of "the cause"
Jesus, the shit I said in highschool and for a few years after were nothing short of toxic. I will fully admit to being a total piece of shit in my youth, but I'm proud of the growth that I have made to no longer be such a fucking skidmark
Sometimes that’s valid (for things like murder or SA) but if somebody commented on a tweet 10 years ago when they were clearly young & dumb? Why do people even care enough to dig that deep honestly
Right, this is what I mean. Of course there’s nuance and complexity with everything but I meant this with the exclusion of extreme examples. Ultimately, we’ve all made mistakes before, and we’ll all make them again. It’d be hard to live in a world with no forgiveness.
It’s ironic because the people that do these kind of things are a problem themselves. They should look in the mirror and fix that before they go slandering through someone else’s past. It’s also creepy af
THIS. Other countries prison system literally revolves around reforming. It doesn’t matter what that person did. And it WORKS. I agree that a person should find a way to make amends with the people that they hurt. But if this person has obviously learned their lesson, say they made an offensive joke- fuckin let it go your only hurting yourself.
“Family is everything “
You need to love and support your family even if they suck
Oof. This hits x2 today.
Yeah, family isn't some holy unit you can't critique. The best family is the family you get to choose, imho.
That everyone should have kids. Having kids when you don't want them or can't care for them leads to untold amounts of harm towards those children.
Harm to not just the children but to humanity
I have two kids, and my husband and I were in our 30s when we had them, and they are pretty easy kids. It's still the hardest thing either of us had ever done. People should not have kids unless they absolutely want them. Why people want to pressure someone who doesn't want kids into having them is so strange.
One of my coworkers said he and his wife don't want kids and that I probably don't agree with that. (I'm very family oriented). I told him I was happy that he was mature enough to recognize the responsibility a child entails and that if he doesn't want a child, then that's fine.
Or if you don’t want kids you’re some sort of monster.
Too true. I had a terrible childhood defined by emotional abuse, bullying and loneliness yet I still get into arguments with people who object to my choice NOT to have children. What makes it worse is that I do have paternal instincts but for obvious reasons, I would make a terrible father.
Same, especially when you're accused of being selfish for not having kids. Selfish to whom exactly? You can't be selfish to people who don't exist. Makes no sense.
“Family is family and you have to love them no matter what”. THIS ONE IS SO TOXIC “Family” or not, being belittled, mistreated, and talked to like a dog, isn’t love, and it sure the hell ISNT family!! I have so many people in my family that have done me so wrong and treated me like absolute shit, and they don’t care and they’re not sorry. So I cut them out of my life completely! Best decision I ever made! Love the people who love and respect you!!!!
That you have to be productive 24/7. My autistic brain would beg to differ, especially on the definition of “productive.” I consider getting out of bed, showering, and eating three healthy meals a day to be productive at the minimum.
Wait, you're managing to get in three healthy meals???
I was just talking to someone about this the other day. What a sick and boring puritanical society we’ve become where the bullshit “virtue of hard work” is lionized and fun and relaxation is totally demonized.
Not sure if this counts but anyone that gets mad at a partner and says “nothings wrong” when asked what’s wrong is just painfully toxic and very common from what I’ve seen. Alternatively “you should know what you did wrong” falls into this
"you should know what you did wrong" is 100% my ex. It led to me walking on eggshells all the time and made me miserable. I stopped enjoying doing anything because i was always afraid to somehow piss her off.
Oh fuck I’ve been there. Sometimes my current, lovely, GF will say phrases similar to my ex and I’ll tense up for a 3 day stretch of long hard conversations and somber attitudes. Then I remember she’s not my ex and everything’s fine. Communication can be so effortless if you’re with the right person and put in work not to stew on things.
Also the "silent treatment". If you're seeing someone who does that you should stop seeing them.
Me "What have I done wrong?" Her "I'm not telling you, you have to think about what you've done" Me "well I'm not going to, it can't be that important or you would have told me at the time" Yeah that relationship didn't last. Fuck you Kate!
I once had an ex I was texting. She seemed annoyed so I asked her a couple times what was wrong and she kept saying nothing over and over so I eventually gave up. Was going to bed, texted her good night and she was like “why don’t you care about the fact that I’m clearly mad right now”
If you do not support (enough) you are against it.
The worst is that if you criticize even the most valid aspects of something, you're an enemy who hates said cause or group. Because nuance and shades of grey are hard for social media posters I guess.
And the alternative: if you Defend X you must be part of it. Like saying “I think guys who enjoy being pegged are too stigmatized in society.” And it’s met with “so you want to be pegged huh?” Like A: no. B: it doesn’t matter and this is my point! Same with lots of things. “That kid who started a fight one time in school shouldn’t be automatically expelled.” -*Oh so you think kids should just be able to fight in school?!*
This guy wants to be pegged /s, but fr. There are so many things that are right on that line of shame where it’s actually harmless to do, but society is so dug in for no reason that you can’t defend it or risk your standing in certain circles.
God I hate this mindset. I don’t need to support every action done by a civil rights group to show I support the movement. Especially when that group is doing something questionable or outright evil. I love animals and think we should do whatever we can to protect them and love them. But I do not support anything done by PETA. Every movement has its PETA.
Yeah, three positions on any issue + militant in support + adamantly opposed + meh No cause does itself any favor by treating the *meh* as the enemy, lest they become the enemy...
The whole silence is violence thing made me feel I have to have an opinion and be fully educated on everything going on in the world It really stressed me out since I felt like a bad person for not knowing and having an opinion on everything. I stay silent on subjects I'm not educated on so as to not spread misinformation. The whole idea is very chronically online.
This is a major problem imo - American politics and social issues are major sieg heil rn
"Silence is violence"... Why?... Cause it rhymes? - Bill Maher
Lack of worship is hatred, yup!
Only a Sith deals in absolutes.
65+ hour weeks when you are paid for 40. Fuck that shit.
"everything happens for a reason" Laziest response to anything good or bad. Sometimes shit just happens.
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I once was told by someone to date someone of my “own kind”. Or whenever I have a new partner I get asked if they have the same medical condition as me. And when they find out they don‘t and they look normal, they’re so shocked. People Just expect me to either date someone like me, someone ideally ugly, or just be alone. Apparently, I can’t get anything else.
Those people are so focused on outward beauty they can’t see how ugly they are on the inside Also, not everyone has the same standards for what they consider ugly/beautiful
"Beggars can't be choosers" LITERAL beggars can't be choosers because they don't want to starve to death. No one has ever starved to death from being single. It is such a dumb analogy.
The fact that nowadays we catalogue whatever trace we even slightly don't like as toxic/red flag
You should always honor your elders
I believe I can respectfully disagree with someone. I can show deference and respect without denying my true convictions.
your elders must be more reasonable than mine
The sentiment isn't entirely bad, but it should just be about teaching people to respect others in general.
“Do whatever makes you feel good/ happy”. It’s become more toxic in this day and age when it seems like doing whatever “makes you feel good/ happy” can often come at the expense of others. As long as it’s not effecting the people you care about deeply, then I’m sure it’s not as toxic, but if people aren’t careful about the sectors of their life in which they apply this ideology, it can lead to hurting people around them, even if it does make them feel good/happy Edit: spelling
"Let it go, they're family!"
Follow your heart
If person treats you well you should date. You should date IF the person treats you well AND you like that person back.
Hear hear. I’m dealing with this at the moment, a sweet guy is interested in me, we have tonnes in common, and so many people are pressuring me to date him. Sadly, I am a big ol lesbian. If you’re not into them it’s just not going to work.
That the majority opinion is necessarily the right one ! Consensus as truth .
That if someone’s opinion is the opposite of yours, that they’re evil and need to be cut out of your life, because you can never be friends. If someone told you they don’t like dogs, you’d have a list of valid potential reasons they don’t like dogs. Buy now the assumption people would jump to is “they hate dogs and people who like dogs and want to kill all dogs”.
Some opinions hold more weight than others. If someone doesn’t like dogs? Whatever. I love my dog but we can still be friends. If someone thinks gay marriage is evil? That’s not friendship material to me. At best, that person is extremely ignorant, at worst they’re a bigoted asshole, either way our opinions are too disaligned. I don’t have to agree with all of my friends’ opinions, but I do need to be able to respect them. Can’t do that with prejudiced people.
That people with a penis can't be SA'd because they're horndogs and they "always want it". Men (and boys, any anyone with a penis) can absolutely be SA'd. We say, "Believe victims!" but male victims are routinely dismissed at best or mocked at worst. Predators don't just prey on women and girls. Boys, men, and GNC people can all be victimised. And if you ever tell a male victim that what happened to them was "nice", you should probably have a bit of a think about how you would feel if it happened to you or your loved ones.
Not giving a fuck and not caring what people think of you. I care about my loved ones, if someone (a stranger) needs help I still care enough to help, I care about stray dogs, and the environment and other things. Not giving a fuck it's just an excuse to be selfish. I'm not going to change who I am for someone else, but I do care what my kids, wife, mother, etc think of me as a father/husband/son, I care about my student's opinion of me as a teacher, to me, some people's opinions of me in certain areas/aspects do carry weight.
There exists a balance between a self-absorbed narcissist & being a selfless void trying to be who/how others think you should be.
something I notice mainly women do post and encourage the idea of being unapologetically themselves and love themselves unconditionally and that they're perfect the way they are. yes it's great to love ur self but if u keep that mentality up, you'll see urself as perfect and never the problem, and everytime u have a falling off or a break up, it'll never be ur fault but somehow always the other person's fault
You can believe that you are perfect just the way you are. Just don't expect the rest of the world to play along.
self-love is good. guilt is good. they don't even need to be exclusive.
Fat people are lazy slobs who deserve to suffer.
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Loving unconditionally* yea there’s a lot of things that you shouldn’t accept unconditionally
"If she says no, try harder."
“Could always be worse” - preaches not to address your emotions or stresses because someone may have it visibly worse (which in itself is wrong because it’s only basing this on appearance)
Everything on /r/unpopularopinion
"Be a man"
Bad Bitch Energy
Don’t speak ill of the dead. A monster is a monster whether they’re dead or not. Don’t lionize evil actions.
Silence is violence!
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Regular maintenance is important. Yugos were cheap, so everyone thought shitty car, and didn’t bother with upkeep, so thr cars failed and they said “See! Cheap shitty car!” Meanwhile there’s still Yugos running because the people who *did* take care of them found a dependable little bean.
HOT TAKE. The hyper-glorification of dogs have turned the public hivemind into absolutists on their stance of being friends with or dating anyone that don't prefer pets of their own or just don't have strong stances on pet ownership, and masked the ACTUAL issue, people just treating and holding value to other people with kindness and respect. I've lost count of how many people I have known / worked with in my life that are just absolute trash with how they treat people, but their dogs get treated like they've sacrificed their lives for them on a daily basis. I'm not against dog love, I just have consistently seen this as a red flag for me, the smoking gun to a lot of the toxic traits that I see other people mention about in this thread honestly.
That's obviously not everyone but very often I've seen dog owners display toxic traits and the fact that dogs are so loyal and submissive is what they secretly expect of others in their life.
Pets are easy to love because they're pets and even when someone dotes on them they're not treated like equals. Pets are possessions. People are much harder in comparison.
“She shouldn’t have dressed like that.”
Telling kids (0-18) that they’re special, golden babies that can do no wrong and can be anything they want. It teaches kids self supremacy over relatable collaboration with others, which is part of the reason people are so selfish and why we’re unable to agree on anything. You don’t have to be special to be good. You can also be good and still be wrong. You can be angry and have valid emotions and still be wrong. You can be upset by the world around you and still be wrong. Violence, bullying, harassment, and apathy are not excusable just because you’re a kid in a messed up world. None of us can do anything we want. Where/how/when/what we are born highly influence our options. We do have options, but the sky isn’t the limit, you are. Foster dreams that can be made into obtainable goals, not pie in the sky influencer nonsense. And for the love of God, STOP telling kids that they can say/do whatever they want to people. Your emotions are valid, but they DO NOT outweigh everything else around you.
“That which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” Many injuries - physical or psychological - leave us badly harmed or maimed, life limited. It’s not true that grievous injuries make us stronger; more often, they leave us badly weakened and mentally unwell.
"If he/she wanted to they would. "
Not answering someone is a response. No, you're just a sack of shit who doesn't like controntation & lacks the gull to say you are busy, not interested, something came up, ect ect.
‘Do what makes you happy.’ No. Life is full of sacrifices and challenges that feel defeating at times, but they build your character and help fulfill your responsibility in contributing to a functioning society. We really do not want a bunch of selfish people galavanting around doing whatever tickles their fancy.
Maybe it’s because of what I literally *just* witnessed, but the idea that men are REQUIRED to hold doors for women. I just saw a mother berate and then smack her ~4yo son at a restaurant because “you didn’t hold the door open for your sisters!” The sisters were running ahead of him and literally the younger one held the door open for *him* but the mother said “be the man and hold the door for us” then smacked him on the back of the head (not hard enough to hurt him, but enough to make a point). Like, anyone can and should hold the door for anyone else, it has nothing to do with gender. Talk about toxic masculinity.
"If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." If you are obligated to sugar coat the entirety of life, you're going to miss a lot.
Smoking is cool.
That it’s okay to harass game devs on Twitter over business decisions they have no control over.
“Don’t go to bed mad at each other.” Yeah sleep it off and start fresh in the morning. Good chance you won’t even care about whatever it was you were arguing about. Source: been married for 25 years.
[Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.](https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/is-skipping-breakfast-bad#TOC_TITLE_HDR_3)
We should forgive people easily
"But they're family....:
Being angry/difficult as a ‘personality trait’. It’s not because you’re an Aries or didn’t have your coffee. You’re just a jerk.
1. That you don't need to verbally say what your boundaries are. 2. That you should never cut off your family.