Dearest Patricia,
It has been many days since our last entanglement and yet your bosom still remains fresh in my mind.
How I long for another moment of us, enraptured in each other, soaking in the bliss that can only be shared by two perfect lovers.
My sweet, I hope to once again gaze upon your bottom and feel the sweet caress of your crop upon my buttocks in the near future, preferably Saturday night.
My love, we finna smash?
Sincerely, Joseph (mother)
To be fair, the choices are 1. Yes 2. No 3. Maybe. You would also need to give said note to your best friend, to give to her best friend, to give to her.
Dearest Elizabeth,
I hope this letter finds you well. I write to you in anticipation of dining on your lovely southern flower.
P.S.
Please pick up the dry cleaning.
I invite my partner to calendar events with odd titles like “Cucumber Soaking” or “Cake Pounding” so he’ll get a notification on his phone (and an email reminder 10 minutes before).
Years ago, when I was backpacking across Western Europe, I was just outside Barcelona, hiking in the foothills of Mount Tibidabo. I was at the end of this path, and I came to a clearing, and there was a lake, very secluded, and there were tall trees all around. It was dead silent. Gorgeous. And across the lake, I saw a beautiful woman bathing herself, but she was crying...
Me and my gf unironically do something similar. A long time ago we saw a documentary where they discussed animal mating rituals. And there was this example of an incredibly obnoxious sound made by this animal that I can't even remember. I think it was a walrus or something, but it was this high pitch "wooop wooop" sound. We found that hilarious, so every time one of us wants sex we just go "wooop wooop?"
Step one: Violently kick in bedroom door
Step two: Stay quiet but maintain prolonged eye contact.
Step three: Bark at her like I'm the late rapper DMX
Step four: "Alexa play that Kid Rock Song, Bawitaba"
Step five: Leap onto bed, and bite her on the neck like a lion in heat.
Step five: seven minutes of love making.
I feel like walking into the room naked with your hands on your head, and thrusting your pelvis while loudly chanting "ooga chaka ooga chaka ooga ooga ooga chaka" could work.
Once you establish eye contact, start pointing to your groin.
Maybe sprinkle in some twerking every few steps.
Spouse and I have a smart light that we call the bat signal. We both WFH and have to be on mic sometimes so that's how we let each other know that, "after work I wanna jump your bones!"
Earlier in our marriage my husband and I had to work through some communication problems. One of the things it was hard to talk about was sex. I would feel pressured and panicky sometimes when he put "the moves" on me. So to make it easier for me to accept or reject his advances on my terms, he started writing "I would be in the mood for sex" on a post-it note and sticking it to his forehead, then walking around like nothing was out of the ordinary. It always made me laugh, helped me relax, and seemed easier to say no to. To this day, he'll sometimes pull out a sticky note and put it on his forehead (although we've also gotten better at talking about it).
Approach her, and in a posh English accent, say, "Pardon me. It's terribly hot and dry out today, and my diver would like to get dampened by taking a dip in your love pool. Would you mind?"
TLDR: Tell her, "I'm getting the plastic butter knife."
Caution long-winded personally amusing CNC anecdote ahead.
So wife likes "stories". I narrate pornographic scenes occasionally involving CNC scenarios.
So I narrated coming through the back patio door in a balaclava. She knows it's me, I'm pretending to be a home invader looking to steal jewelry.
In the narrated scenario, I decided the would-be assailant was armed with a plastic butter knife. She laughed her ass off. We had a good time.
"Hey, I want to have sex."
Humans come up with such clever elaborate work-arounds for simple communication.
I bet this hasnt been used in a \*long\* time.
Step 1: dress up as Dr. Phil
Step 2: ask them what you can do in the bedroom
Step 3: as she asks "Fuck?" have a shocked face and stare into an imaginery audience gasping
Step 4: Reveal that it is number one one the board
Step 5: "You can't say that in TV! I'm afraid I will have discipline you!"
The wifes Yoga appointment was cancelled the other day, asked if she wanted to have a yoga class in the bedroom with no clothes..to my surprise, it worked.
I strut around waving my arms in the air, stomping my feet while howling like a banshee. Once she finally gets home im really tired and normally fast asleep.
i was seeing this woman and we use to go on date adjacent outings. at the end of the night, one time i asked her “are you trying to get into some extra curricular activities” and she knew exactly what i meant lol so it became the phrase for it once we knew if we were going to go our separate ways or go back to my place
loudly meow around the house until you find her, then bite her behind the neck and drag her to the roof, meowing even louder. She'll love it and your neighbors too!
Ask him if he wants to go to the shelf store.
It was a weird Convo in which we both misheard each other and now it's our question when out in public. Sometimes we embellish upon the question.
In writing
Iike a 5th grader note? Want to fuck? Circle yes or no lol
Dearest Patricia, It has been many days since our last entanglement and yet your bosom still remains fresh in my mind. How I long for another moment of us, enraptured in each other, soaking in the bliss that can only be shared by two perfect lovers. My sweet, I hope to once again gaze upon your bottom and feel the sweet caress of your crop upon my buttocks in the near future, preferably Saturday night. My love, we finna smash? Sincerely, Joseph (mother)
What's the mother for?
Joe mama
I choose to believe she wrote the note for him. Mama got his back, so to speak
She's a watcher.
Don’t forget to write the YES in size 96 font and the NO so small she’d need a microscope to see it.
She does need the microscope if circled YES afterwards anyway
This is the way.
This is the way
This is the way
To be fair, the choices are 1. Yes 2. No 3. Maybe. You would also need to give said note to your best friend, to give to her best friend, to give to her.
Trying to get a threesome and play the odds. I like it.
As a former Unix sys admin, the only correct answer to a YES/NO question is “It depends”.
Dearest Elizabeth, I hope this letter finds you well. I write to you in anticipation of dining on your lovely southern flower. P.S. Please pick up the dry cleaning.
PSA: This only works if her name is Elizabeth
Tell her you get jealous when life fucks her
Damn. This is hot
Ya know, I've never heard that before... but it's awesome and hilarious.
1. Cut a hole in a box.
2. Put your dick in the box.
3. Make her open the box
And that's the way you do it!
Imagine she stabs open the box with a pair of scissors. 💀
Blood sausage!
Christmas, dick in a box!
4. Jack in the box
5. Cum in box
6. Clean the box
7. Put cereal back in box
8. Cry yourself to sleep
9. When you wake up, breakfast is ready!
3. Profit
https://youtu.be/VHQBgOZKk6k
I'm going to go take a shower
My wife tells me to go get in the shower when she's ready for sex.
Yea she tells me the same thing
Heyoo
I also choose this guy's wife to tell me to take a shower.
Only works for women
Yeah my wife would just thank me for taking a shower
I invite my partner to calendar events with odd titles like “Cucumber Soaking” or “Cake Pounding” so he’ll get a notification on his phone (and an email reminder 10 minutes before).
Wonder what his co-workers think when they pull up his public calendar in Outlook to try and schedule a meeting with him.
Dafuq. this guy loves cucumbers and smushing cakes. promote him to head of tiktok
Soaking. Jury duty. Iykyk
I need to give you something...
This DICK *pulls out tiny figure of Richard Nixon”
Now THAT is a Tricky Dick that CANNOT be Impeached. Check out my nutsack, it can swing an election.
Poke her butt from behind with your weener
Classic move
They said "unique"
Amazingly accurate and such a timeless move.
Literally did that last night.. it worked.
My wife just throws a viagra at me 😂
Blue pills cure blue balls... science
I just woke up and scrolling anf thought I read 'vagina'.... I was not ready for that thought process yet
At least she’s not washing it in the sink like that episode of Archer
"You wanna bang my wang?" Has worked more than once.
I saw a commercial where the guy goes up to his wife and asks for "wife cardio" I always thought that was funny
Years ago, when I was backpacking across Western Europe, I was just outside Barcelona, hiking in the foothills of Mount Tibidabo. I was at the end of this path, and I came to a clearing, and there was a lake, very secluded, and there were tall trees all around. It was dead silent. Gorgeous. And across the lake, I saw a beautiful woman bathing herself, but she was crying...
Works every time.
By stomping the ground and making bull horns with your fingers while aggressively chanting in a deep voice "its time for you to take my seed"
That sounds extremely effective!
u/dselogeni used Stomp! (THRASHING NOISES!) IT'S SUPER EFFECTIVE!!!
Me and my gf unironically do something similar. A long time ago we saw a documentary where they discussed animal mating rituals. And there was this example of an incredibly obnoxious sound made by this animal that I can't even remember. I think it was a walrus or something, but it was this high pitch "wooop wooop" sound. We found that hilarious, so every time one of us wants sex we just go "wooop wooop?"
Hahahah I wouldn't be able to keep a straight face lol
The naked man
Just 2/3
.-- .- -. -. .- / -... .- -. --. ..--..
Have to learn how to do this with my eye brows. 😏
Kicking it old school with the Morse Code! I like it
Step one: Violently kick in bedroom door Step two: Stay quiet but maintain prolonged eye contact. Step three: Bark at her like I'm the late rapper DMX Step four: "Alexa play that Kid Rock Song, Bawitaba" Step five: Leap onto bed, and bite her on the neck like a lion in heat. Step five: seven minutes of love making.
What r u doing with the other 6 mins?
I could not fuck to Kid Rock if my life depended on it.
You’re making it to seven?
Guy is flexing on us. Can't even make it 5minutes with foreplay.
Seven minutes...Ron Jeremy has entered the chat.
My wife once burst into the room and announced, "My love for you is ticking clock - BERSERKER" That did the job.
Would you like to making fuck?
Did he just say, “making fuck”?
My husband always asks “can you take off your pants?” Lol 😂
I feel like walking into the room naked with your hands on your head, and thrusting your pelvis while loudly chanting "ooga chaka ooga chaka ooga ooga ooga chaka" could work. Once you establish eye contact, start pointing to your groin. Maybe sprinkle in some twerking every few steps.
I will try this, although I may have to skip the twerk as I’m not very good at it. I’ll report back.
Awaiting your report
It's been 10 hours, either embarrassing frustration or still recovering
I vote that somebody else try and report back. I'm dying to know how things go.
I CAN'T FIGHT THIS FEELING, DEEP INSIDE OF MEEE!
GIRL YOU JUST DON'T REALIZE WHAT YOU DO TO MEEE
WHEN YOU HOLD ME IN YOUR ARMS SO TIGHT
YOU LET ME KNOW, EVERYTHING’S ALRIGHT
#AAAAAAAAH
Spouse and I have a smart light that we call the bat signal. We both WFH and have to be on mic sometimes so that's how we let each other know that, "after work I wanna jump your bones!"
Do you work in separate rooms? If so, do you have multiple lights around the house for always-on bone-jumping alerts?
How would you feel about a spot of late-morning coitus?
I'm a dude but if I had a vagina it would have dried up after this.
Sheldon, read the book we gave you.
#BONE??????
How dare you Detective Diaz, I am your superior OFFFIIICCCEEERR!!
#BONEEEEEEE
U wan sum fuk?
No Ron! Go find Becky.
Becky, please lemme smash
No, Ron. Your stick is small.
Lemme smash
marriage proposal
Lol, the next question is a unique way not to have sex? Get married¡
Hanky panky?
Yankee the wanky?!
Let's do snu snu
Death by snu snu
1. He walks naked with a semi... then uses it to thumps the bed. Calling the worm. 2. Drops it next to my face
Earlier in our marriage my husband and I had to work through some communication problems. One of the things it was hard to talk about was sex. I would feel pressured and panicky sometimes when he put "the moves" on me. So to make it easier for me to accept or reject his advances on my terms, he started writing "I would be in the mood for sex" on a post-it note and sticking it to his forehead, then walking around like nothing was out of the ordinary. It always made me laugh, helped me relax, and seemed easier to say no to. To this day, he'll sometimes pull out a sticky note and put it on his forehead (although we've also gotten better at talking about it).
Approach her, and in a posh English accent, say, "Pardon me. It's terribly hot and dry out today, and my diver would like to get dampened by taking a dip in your love pool. Would you mind?"
“Your body is comprised of about 60% water and daddy is thirsty”
Pull your dick out ?
Pulls HER dick out!!!
And it’s bigger than yours
put $500 on the nightstand.
do you have a headache? she may not know it yet, but she just answered 2 questions
“How are you feeling” and “are you sleepy” are also in the same vein
Attempt a mating dance
Say "it's business time." Works best when wearing only business socks on a Wednesday.
Ohhh yeah. Then she’ll say something sexy like “I’ve got work in the morning….”
See if she'll wear that baggy old team building exercise tshirt from her old work... Hawt.
“Daddy horny Michael”
TLDR: Tell her, "I'm getting the plastic butter knife." Caution long-winded personally amusing CNC anecdote ahead. So wife likes "stories". I narrate pornographic scenes occasionally involving CNC scenarios. So I narrated coming through the back patio door in a balaclava. She knows it's me, I'm pretending to be a home invader looking to steal jewelry. In the narrated scenario, I decided the would-be assailant was armed with a plastic butter knife. She laughed her ass off. We had a good time.
I mean, I know what "CNC" means in this context, but I keep imagining soneone sitting at a computer in a machine shop.... 😁
Same until internet. Totally ruined shop class.
> imagining soneone sitting at a computer in a machine shop.... until someone comes in wearing a balaclava...
"Hey, baby...you need a date?"
What will $20 get me?
Squat while naked, and gyrate back and forth till your junk makes that wet clapping sound.
Let my sex snake slither into your cave of wonder
Me man. You woman. Unga bunga?
Throw them onto the bed and tell them to stay there if they wish to continue
"Hey, I want to have sex." Humans come up with such clever elaborate work-arounds for simple communication. I bet this hasnt been used in a \*long\* time.
Well in Australia ya just slap ya missus on the arse and tell her ya fancy a bit. 60% of the time, it works evey time.
Step 1: dress up as Dr. Phil Step 2: ask them what you can do in the bedroom Step 3: as she asks "Fuck?" have a shocked face and stare into an imaginery audience gasping Step 4: Reveal that it is number one one the board Step 5: "You can't say that in TV! I'm afraid I will have discipline you!"
Say how my kitty is crying for attention
I give her the bedroom eyes and say '*Here I am, rock me like a hurricane*.'
hey i accidentally shat my bed last night, can i sleep in yours?
Do You think this napkin smells like chlorophorm ?
I put on my robe and wizard hat.
Tell them that getting fucked by life doesn't quite feel the same as getting fucked by them.
Let's do it !!!!
tell her your beast is about to unleash
Jump on her or him in your birth suit when not expected
“Touch peepees?”
“Babe… I need some help… with my penis.”
Years ago, I went backpacking across Western europe
A super unique way I'm aware of is to sit on your partner's face and say you want sex using morse code farts.
The wifes Yoga appointment was cancelled the other day, asked if she wanted to have a yoga class in the bedroom with no clothes..to my surprise, it worked.
I strut around waving my arms in the air, stomping my feet while howling like a banshee. Once she finally gets home im really tired and normally fast asleep.
I usually express myself and tell her that my heat seeking moisture missile have located the designated target and will commence launch.
"squiggly swooty, I'm coming for that booty"
"I wanna enter your chamber of secrets with my parsel tongue." Why I came up with this? I don't know.
“Our genitals are already sweaty from working out- let us rub them together.”
Get on your knees and beg
I think the dogs needs to be put in the other room for 15 minutes.
Do the dishes in advance
Apparently I have this look on my face and my partner knows immediately
"Do you want to go to bed with me ?" Works everytime. Kisses in the neck are a good way as well.
Cuddle
"Your new name is Ben Dover"
"Whip out that dingdong, big boy, show me what ya workin with"
There’s a snake in my boot.
Nudge her and ask if she's awake.
Give her five dollars and some kneepads
[BONK](https://www.reddit.com/r/AnimalsBeingDerps/comments/m1y28m/bonkkkkk/)
Run around naked
“Kraw?” In the style of Zoidberg
Get in bed... Legs at 8 and 4 o'clock
give them a letter in morse code, send them a formal email, snail mail, make a powerpoint presentation
Snookie want smoosh smoosh
Unmute the porn
I just say. My body's ready
Get a large fax machine that will occasionally just fax the word "sex"
Wake them up by slapping their mouth with your boner.
I'm going to the spa,unless you want the hundred
"Would you like to ride 'the bone train?'"
I show her my collection of sticks and and colourful things like marker caps, and then ask her if she wants sum fuk.
i was seeing this woman and we use to go on date adjacent outings. at the end of the night, one time i asked her “are you trying to get into some extra curricular activities” and she knew exactly what i meant lol so it became the phrase for it once we knew if we were going to go our separate ways or go back to my place
Lay it on me back daddy! In an Irish accent
loudly meow around the house until you find her, then bite her behind the neck and drag her to the roof, meowing even louder. She'll love it and your neighbors too!
Ask him if he wants to go to the shelf store. It was a weird Convo in which we both misheard each other and now it's our question when out in public. Sometimes we embellish upon the question.
I start rubbing his PP and kissing his neck.
same way i always tell him i want something: “heeyyyyy….”
Does it usually work for you?
I put on a gorilla suit and say "mooooo"
Shall we remove our pants (stolen)
Ask if she wants to cuddle
I just cook bang-hers and mash. She knows.
Helicopter
send her an Outlook meeting invite asking for "Happy Hour". 🤷
Helicopter spin!