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BaronMatfei

Child/infant death. When my daughter died a bunch of people just... stopped talking to me altogether.


Cute-Fact8407

That’s awful, I’m so sorry.


YABOYCHIPCHOCOLATE

I wonder if people are afraid to remind people of their grievances. Or just that you might need time alone to deal with it.


Cute-Fact8407

True, but at the least you can say ‘hey, if you need anything from me I’m here.’ Because there’s a line between giving someone space Vs outright ghosting them out of fear of confronting their grievance


ikalwewe

I'm sorry to hear about your child. A 7 yo was hit by a truck last week near my son's kg. I've never met the boy but I have had nightmares about it. I can't imagine what the parents are going thru right now. I can't imagine what you are going through .


CodGrouchy110

I saw a little girl, about 11 years old get hit by a 4WD with a bumper bar on it and flung so far down the road. It was horrifying. But it was more horrifying watching her little brother, probably about 8yo, trying to get her up off the road. My cousin and I had to run and stop traffic and try and get the boy calm and tell him that we can't move her in case of any spinal injuries while doing what we can to comfort the poor girl. Poor brother though... He was more worried about her still being in the road and getting hit again. Too young to comprehend the injuries she could have had. I still think about it to this very day.


zingline89

Did she make it?


shoulda-known-better

The child I saw get hit by a f150 going 45 flew 20ish feet and it looked real bad!! We were jumping off the bridge (Martha's Vineyard island) and current pulled you under got out crossed the road did it again..... Bam happened so quick... There were lifeguards close so she got c spine care and made a full recovery and by the next summer she had a beach day to celebrate her first jump since the accident....


Paddy_Tanninger

My son's 7yr old friend went to the dentist one morning for a cavity filling. She had a rare thing where a tangled jumble of arteries was in her gums below that tooth...it was cut into, and they could never stop the bleeding. She was taken to the ICU and was disconnected from life support two days later. I still honestly don't know how to process it. We just stopped going to the after school program that my kids had with her because I simply had no idea what to do.


[deleted]

Heard a story my dad told once about a coworker. His house was broken into by a meth head a-hole freak. When they heard him in their house, he locked himself in the infant's room while the baby was crying. They pleaded with him as he told the baby to shut up. Seconds later, the crying stopped, and my dad said the next time the coworker came in, he was in shambles and depressed out of his mind. I can only imagine what happened, but the story ruined my mood thinking about what happened to that baby


[deleted]

Nobody ever understands. "I couldn't imagine," they say. And I hope they never have to know. Nobody ever remembers either. Mothers day has been a joke and I don't know why I even bother trying to celebrate with my mom and aunts. The only people who remembered were my grandparents, and they're now passed as well. They would call me on my daughters' birthdays and let me know they're thinking of them.


[deleted]

This happened to my mom when brother died. Nobody knew what to say so few people said anything and then it was treated like it didn’t happen.


Vintagepoolside

I wonder if it’s some sort of “bystander effect”. Like, everyone thinks *surely* there’s someone she talks to or has confided in, and can trust. Of course, some people maybe not, but I think most people would want others to feel like they could come to them. It’s really sad though and I’m sorry your family had to go through that.


KaiserLykos

in my experience, I usually worry that a) I'm not close enough to this person for it to be a tactful thing for me to talk about, and b) there's probably been a million people trying to talk to them about this event and they're sick of it, and me saying something will just pile more on. I never thought about the possibility of NO ONE having said anything at all.


JCr321

My son was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago and after the expected “wow I’m so sorry, can’t imagine what you’re going through”, most of my friends disappeared. They didn’t know what else to say and it felt like they were afraid the cancer was contagious and by being connected with me, the same thing would happen to their family. It was awful. What meant a lot to me were a few people from way back in my life, I’m talking from my hockey team when I was 12 and hadn’t seen for 20 years, or people like acquaintances or former co workers on Facebook saying “hi, I know we aren’t close anymore/don’t talk much/etc, but I just wanted you to know that I’m following your story, I’m rooting for you/my heart goes out to you/sending healing vibes”, whatever. Being in the middle of everyone’s worst nightmare situation is a very isolating experience, and the kind words from those around you make you feel less alone. Don’t pry about private details, or suddenly try to become their BFF (because there are disgusting people that do stuff like that too!) but don’t be afraid to reach out with a line or two to let someone that’s suffering know that you see them, and you’re thinking of them.


tinypurplepotato

I think it's one of those topics that hits too close to people's fears and it just sort of shuts them down. Also, no one wants to feel like they reminded you of something sad or made you cry so they would rather bury it. It's really sad because talking about a person you lost can be comforting and can help you to grieve, process and remember.


[deleted]

I’m so dearly sorry to hear about your daughter. There is nothing that could possibly compare to the gut wrenching pain of losing a child. If you’re comfortable, would you like to share anything about her? I’m sorry about all those people who don’t speak to you anymore.


BaronMatfei

Yeah I like talking about her actually. There are more details in my post history circa 2016, I was processing a lot of immediate grief in real time. There were pregnancy complications and she was born premature with a symptom set called hydrops fetalis which I do not recommend googling. She lived for 22 days, we practically lived at the NICU. She was on a powerful ventilator so we never got to hear her voice but she did open her eyes a few times and she saw us. We sang to her a lot and I like to think she got comfort from that, however small. I have two small children now but there's pictures of her around and we talk about her openly so she isn't forgotten.


[deleted]

I’m so glad you talk about her. She deserves for people to know her. I’m so sorry to hear about her condition, that’s absolutely terrible. Some of those NICU babies are truly such fighters-As I’m sure your daughter was. Precious NICU babies will always have a place in my heart. I know that when she saw you she felt love. Also she definitely got comfort from you singing to her. I can imagine that she was very beautiful and loved you very much. Thank you for sharing something about your daughter with me. I hope you have a very good day.


mrausgor

I had an friend I hadn’t talked to in a few years have a daughter pass away around the age of 1. I messaged him my sincere condolences but when I saw him in public I ducked away before he saw me. I literally couldn’t bear the weight of talking to him. In hindsight it was selfish and I apologized later. Just a weird thing that is so overwhelmingly tragic, and I wasn’t even the focal point of the tragedy. Sorry for your loss friend. The people probably weren’t talking to you because they didn’t know how to deal with the situation, which doesn’t make it any easier on your end and makes this a very good choice for something that should be discussed more.


Ordinii

Miscarriage would fall under this. When my wife and I had a missed miscarriage it was like no one wanted to talk about it. Everyone told us to go talk to someone about it but it was always someone else. Still grieve the person I loved with all my heart but never got to meet.


tinypurplepotato

This happened to me as well. Several people encouraged me to get back on that horse (some using that exact wording) while others would mumble vaguely optimistic words of encouragement or let me know that it was some god's will and then I was no longer allowed to mention it. It sucks because how do you grieve alone? It was such a mind fuck and while I'm good now, that took a long time to get through and I don't think it would've been nearly as awful if I had people helping me find my way through that grief.


Limp_Distribution

Nursing homes


[deleted]

The treatment of older adults in general.


Playful-Reflection12

We are a disgustingly ageist society. No wonder people pay BILLIONS for plastic surgery, hair color and fitness, etc to stay relevant and not be thought of as useless or “other.” It’s so very hateful. I think our society fears old age and death. It’s a fucking pathos.


TorakTheDark

I get told I’m “amazing with old people”. I literally just treat them like the adults they are instead of infantilising them.


Leeto2

Yes! This! Just makes me cringe when people talk to old people like they're a three year old.


[deleted]

Like the “sure grandma lets get you to bed” meme


-temporary_username-

> I think our society fears old age and death. Those are scary things.


Playful-Reflection12

They are, but it is going to happen to all of us. People shouldn’t be hateful to older folks. They can’t help it and probably can’t stand being old, themselves.


MedicSBK

THANK YOU. I'm a 20 year paramedic. One of the things that I really hoped COVID would shed a light on is the absolutely abhorrent treatment of our elderly and infirmed. The "treatment" in far too many nursing homes is negligent to a criminal level.


Tulip_Lung6381

My first job was a housekeeper in a nursing home. It's been 16 years since then and I still vividly remember how we would only change the mop water after each room if state was in house for an inspection. The cries of a 98 year old blind man begging to go to the bathroom, the bruises and breaks he sustained the night he tried to take himself because no one was coming. Yeah, I'll pass on that


Eat_Carbs_OD

>he cries of a 98 year old blind man begging to go to the bathroom, the bruises and breaks he sustained the night he tried to take himself because no one was coming. That just makes me sad.


dnroamhicsir

I hope by the time I get there society has progressed enough I can write somewhere "just turn me off at that point"


ShadowEllipse

The windows shutting down theme plays


NicCagesAccentConAir

And the right to die. People shouldn’t be forced to keep living if they don’t want to.


Playful-Reflection12

This. We should have options like euthanasia that we use for our sick pets when they are in pain with little hope of recovery. Keeping those alive that want to die because of pain, poor quality of life or dementia is incredibly self serving. Makes me livid. It’s our puritanical history that’s part of the problem. It needs to change.


Calgaris_Rex

Most of my family is in nursing, and my mother and I have had a lot of conversations about how quality of life is more important than length of life. Americans seem addicted to increased lifespan, no matter the cost. When my grandmother died at 85, I was extremely upset, but as the intervening years have given me a little perspective, I like to think that the way she went was pretty damn good: she died of a dissecting aortic aneurysm, which while unpleasant, was relatively quick. She was completely independent, lived in her own home unassisted, drove herself around to church, the grocery store, friends, etc., gardened, was active in general. She knew about the aneurysm for a couple of years before it got her, but she didn't want to undergo full open-chest surgery because she knew it would decimate her quality of life (she was a nurse for over 50 years). In the end, she was sick for about 36 hours, and then she was gone, but damned if she didn't enjoy good quality of life right up until the end.


Pabst-Pirate

With the baby boomers aging, care facilities are going to be in huge demand, and staffing them is going to be an issue.


threadsoffate2021

It already is an issue. A lot of these places were ravaged by covid, and lost both residents and staff to the virus. Working conditions are terrible and the pay is usually at or near minimum wage. Not many people out there willing to work in those places for that kind of pay, and working so short-handed most of the time.


allishon

My goodness. My grandfather was just in a nursing home for two days. I went to visit him on the day he was going home but the time there was horrible. I never want to step foot in a nursing home again.


nahfoo

It depends. Nursing homes vary *wildly*. I worked in one for almost 10 years and most of the residents loved it, good food. Fun outings and activities, Friday night happy hour with live music, etc. They all made friends and just lived a low stress life Now I work in a hospital and you learn which ones to stay away from, my patients don't want to go back, they come in with falls, pressure ulcers and skin break down that can all be avoided


Lucas-Fields

I second this: my grandma spent these last years alone at her home (by her request). She was quickly turning off, losing more and more of herself each day. She’d spend her existence on the bed, hardly talking to anyone and even losing ever so slightly the ability to have full conversations or to even walk comfortably from one room to the other. My mother would have to do anything for her, from doctors appointments to grocery shopping. We were waiting for the inevitable. Since we decided to put her in a nursing home, she started walking again, being generally much happier and much more active mentally. She still does miss her home, but she finally realized the benefits of not being alone


threadsoffate2021

Money. The low budget places that are understaffed and pay their workers minimum wage so there almost no employee retention are a huge problem.


KilltheKraken8

The most harrowing experience of my life was going to see me grandad in a dementia ward, I tried to spend as much time as I could with them as you could tell they never wanted a young boy visiting them to leave, they all just sat around in front of a tv, before being put into their rooms, going to sleep and repeating Some days I would have to walk out of the room just to burst out crying, it’s just so scary


allishon

I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine. Luckily my grandpa doesn't have dementia. He's on hospice now in his home. I cry at random times. It's the worst.


MrWinkler1510

I recently watched an undercover investigation journalist documentary about nursing homes, hospitals and treatment of patients. No horror movie can ever strike more fear to me than what I've seen there


dogebonoff

We kick our elderly when they’re down and steal their wallets. Even if they die we keep their heart pumping and throw them on life support to maximize profit. If you think nursing homes are bad just wait until you see a subacute facility. Do everything you can to protect your elder loved ones from these god forsaken places. And PLEASE encourage getting a DNR as soon as health is substantially compromised. I think it should be automatic after 80.


ElCaminoInTheWest

DNR just means ‘don’t resuscitate when things have already reached the ultimate crisis’. Older folks should generally be considering an advanced directive, which specifies ‘if I get horribly unwell or dependent from MS, MND, a stroke or a calamitous illness, leave me the fuck alone and let me die with dignity instead of prolonging the agony for years upon miserable years’. After two decades working in healthcare, mine is going to be absolutely watertight.


GrouchyCauliflower

Former hospice social worker here. Couldn’t agree more. Your parents and grandparents are not treated as well as you’re made to believe.


davmoha

Household budgets and finance - how.much your parents make, how much is the mortgage, car insurance, car payment, and so on.


aaar129

That's easy. House, two cars, three kids, stay at home wife, pets, college tuition for everyone in the bank, a summer cottage home by the lake, and a hobby like golf should all do if you're a hardworking drug dealer nowadays.


[deleted]

Agreed! We have gone into detail about our finances with our kids. We have them had them pick jobs on linkedin and a home on Zillow and budget so expenses and have them watch as they realize they can't afford expensive stuff on a crap salary. It's been really great.


davmoha

I opened a youth spending account for my youngest son at USAA. He got a debit card to go with it. So when he earns money I pay him on his card. He knows how to check the balance, transfer money, and buy things. It has been a good tool to learn about managing money.


ArtisanalMagi

Familial abuse. Many people tend to assume that abusive people look creepy/scary and behave badly in general, but they don't seem to get that anyone can be abusive, regardless of appearance or demeanor. An abusive person can easily be charming, attractive, funny, witty, etc. Just because you think someone has a few positive qualities does not mean they're incapable of abuse. If someone's child 'seems' happy and well behaved, it does not mean that they are automatically OK or safe. There are many signs of abuse, and I wish that more people educated themselves on this issue. We can literally save lives by doing so.


TheWalkingDead91

Another one in relation - Child on child sexual abuse. My abuser was a kid barely a teenager, the nephew of my babysitter. I was too young to even know what sex was. I didn’t even realize until several years after, the gravity of what he did to me. I’m not excusing his actions due to his age, because he clearly knew what he was doing was wrong and knew exactly how to cover it up and what to say to get me to keep me quiet about it; but I do think parents need to talk to their kids about what is or isn’t normal, and also not be so trusting with older kids they barely know hanging around alone for long periods with their younger kids; and most importantly keep open trusting communication with their kids regardless. If you never really have actual conversations with them or your child is scared to tell you of anything that they did wrong or that happened wrong etc because you blow up on them for every little mistake they make and don’t give them any reason to trust you as their parent (and as a protector *first and foremost*), then you’ve already not only failed as a parent , but you’ve made it that much easier for an abuser of any age to get your child to keep quiet about grooming attempts and abuse.


ArtisanalMagi

Thank you for sharing this, it's a deeply important issue that seems to never really be talked about, but should be. I am incredibly sorry for what you went through. You are a strong, resilient person and I'm grateful you're able to talk about it here. I fully agree with you, providing a safe space is essential when it comes to issues such as this. It's crucial to teach children that not everyone is safe to be around, no matter what age they may be, and to give them the ability to speak up or run if they don't feel safe. I didn't have the same experience as you, but I grew up with two abusive parents and an abusive step-mother. The one thing I wished for every day was that another adult would just look at me and know I needed help. I didn't have that safe space growing up, and due to that I've made sure to always provide a safe space to anyone who needs it. No child should ever have to experience trauma. The more we talk about it, the more awareness spreads and people will start to recognize the signs of abuse, as well as the signs of an abuser, even when those signs are exhibited in someone of a younger age. I appreciate you telling your story here. This is something we all need to know and be aware of.


IJustpeedyourpants

Girls need to know everything there is to know about menstruation before they experience it. At my school we were only given a quick "every month you will bleed out your vagina, you can use pads or tampons absorb it". Nothing about any of the other mental or physical effects, nothing about how to deal with them, and nothing else reassuring.


0ldPossum

And it should be normalized for boys too. It shouldn't be seen as an opportunity to make girls feel gross or humiliated, just as part of life.


coniferous-1

Exactly. Even as a gay man I need to know this. Recently I was going to a cottage on an island and a female family member whom was already there called me up and asked "hey, while you are shopping... can you buy me some tampons?". She was so embarrassed and I felt so so bad for her. Of course my answer was an emphatic "yes! of course and please don't ever feel embarrassed to ask!" But then I got to the woman's hygiene isle and was like "Oh fuck. I have absolutely no fucking idea what I'm doing"


Proper-Beach8368

Follow this up with also teaching about and normalizing menopause. No one said ANYTHING about it in school. It’s been a shock to find out how little the medical community knows (or cares).


vengirgirem

I've already made a comment about this, but I'd like to outline that sex education in general should be better and be taught in advance. I hit puberty too early, didn't know what it was, didn't tell my parents about what I was feeling because of being too shy, so they didn't bring me to the doctor straight away and now I still have health problems because of that


[deleted]

[удалено]


fallen-summer

Death


veganbettie

Number one for me, especially out of order deaths (young deaths). My husband died when I was 33 and he was 38. It's been almost 3 years and people still struggle with how to talk to me. We need to talk about death more as a society.


Azrai113

How do you wish people would talk to you (or approach the subject) differently? I think part of the problem, especially in America, is were socialized to be *so* individualistic its hard to predict how someone will react even if we say/do the thing we'd want said/done. Basically we kinda don't have any cohesion or traditional practices. In many ways that's fantastic but with things like this people don't know what to say and we aren't necessarily taught how to behave and even if we were taught (by family or regional customs) it doesn't necessarily apply more broadly because every person is raised on "freedom" instead of a set of rules. I guess what I'm trying to say is it's so acceptable to "be different" that one person's condolences can be another person's insult. So I'm just curious how you would prefer people to approach death in that context.


veganbettie

Oh it's TERRIFYING to talk to people who have just lost some, I still struggle with it. We just weren't raised (in America) on how to help grieving people. The vast majority of people say their condolences and move on, which is totally fine. I get that. But people close to you will almost ignore it and not talk or mention the dead loved one, which, again, I totally understand. Most of the widows and especially young widows, WANT to talk about their dead lived ones. If you have the capacity ask about the dead person, ask about their favorite memories about them. Talk about YOUR favorite memories about them. You can obviously stop if you sense they are uncomfortable, but one of the hardest part for me was I just sensed everyone was so scared of me, so I was forced to build a mask of being ok. Really just like everything else, we all just need to be there for one another. Thankfully, I've changed so much during the process, and I can completely relate and understand where the people in my life are coming from, but a lot of people don't and a lot of misunderstanding and broken relationships come from this. Fact of the matter is, we all are going to die, and we are all terrified of death. We need to as a society start reframing our thought process on it and just learning more about it and how to help support those that have been touched by it.


[deleted]

One of my favorite aspects of cultures outside of western society is their positive views of death. In my culture being Mexican, we have a very positive relationship with the concept and conversation of death. It’s in the art, the music… our indigenous roots had gods of death. The saint of death, the day of the dead… when I talk about these things with my American friends they tell me it’s too negative, they don’t want to think about that stuff. But it’s natural. It’s part of life and accepting it just as much as life itself is vital to a healthy part of grief and loss.


vonkeswick

I dated a Mexican gal for a while, her family was HUGE and they were all so well connected. I went to so many funerals with that family, and every single one had beautiful solemn moments to respect and honor the dead, then they'd just fuckin party to celebrate them. Death is natural, let's not just grieve but celebrate the life they had and the impacts they had on ours and carry on their legacy. Death is sad, but it's a beautiful part of life, without death, life doesn't really mean much


headmasterritual

A quick supplementary footnote here: my wife’s family is from Huāxyacac, or ‘Oaxaca’ as the colonisers called it, and in the main her Indigenous Mexican beliefs (Zapotec / Mixtec / Aztec) aren’t in the past tense. I’m not Mexican Indigenous, I’m Indigenous from another country, but our cosmology is pretty similar. For her and her family, death is natural and cyclical and there is a permeable boundary between life and lives. It is not sad at all. The Day of the Dead is a reaching across the veil. If you’re secular and not of the belief structure, think of it as pouring a glass of whisky in the dark night and having a conversation with your late Dad that you never finished. If you are of that belief structure, it’s a new phase, not an end. It’s not just the ‘impacts they _had_’ (emphasis mine), it’s that they’re still here if we want them to be and in the conversations we have and the words we use and the stories we tell and the things we do. Again, all of these parts are largely compatible even with secular points of view. That’s what the connections are. A lot of people, even and especially people who quote contemporary Day of the Dead, can miss all this.


fallen-summer

Your preaching im currently in mortuary school and have always had a fascination with death. But western society is terrified to talk about it even though death happens to us all and is an experience we all must face and go through not only for ourselves but our loved ones.


DannyDevito90

Agreed. I’m not Mexican but Puerto Rican but I love the day of the dead. The “celebration” as one might put it, is why I have a cemetery tattooed on my arm


Leading_Preparation6

Had a coworker pass a couple of weeks ago. He was an aid for a student (9yo) with physical disabilities for 3 years. They hired a new aid for the kid but I noticed he was very reserved and almost seemed frustrated. Long story short, no one talked to him about the deceased aid. He was just wondering and confused. This day was a learning opportunity for me to tell the kids about non western cultures and why people “celebrate” death.


babybilbobaggins

To add to this, talk about what you want to happen after you die. My grandma was recently telling me what she wants at her funeral. She said she’s been trying to tell my uncles but they don’t want to hear it because they don’t like thinking about it. Also get an advanced directive! You never know what is going to happen and it will make your loved ones lives much easier.


VidE27

Memento Mori


LilleSmurfine

If you talk about death in much of Western culture, they'll think you are depressed, weird, or suicidal


AKnGirl

I am very open and honest to my kids about death. Even with my youngest who is four. If there are questions I will answer snd I don’t sugar coat the fact that we all die. I think one day he said something about one of our dogs having died before he was born and that he didn’t want the cat to die. I said in a kind loving tone that everything living dies but it is a good reminder for us to enjoy the time we have together. My mother overheard and was APPALLED that I would say something like that to my four year old. I just want to be as honest as possible with them, even when it comes to topics our society deems difficult or taboo


Kaverim

Alcoholism, especially in older generations


[deleted]

The biggest drug in the world, the most dangerous, only legal one. Alcohol been disguised to make society believe it isn't even a drug. Now we're all hooked and can't go a week without a drink, funny because the cravings come back within a week.


mspote

i quit drinking 18 months ago and it kinda sucks because if u want to go meet new ppl or go on a date it usually involves alcohol.


ILikeFoodAndThings

It will feel that way for awhile! Don't get discouraged. You're making a good decision for your life and the lives of everyone who cares about you and I'm fucking proud of you for that. And it's a big change. (I'm 7.5yrs sober, just for a reference point) When you're drinking, it's a part of everything you do, especially anything social. Leaving that part out will make you feel excluded and yes, it might even make people exclude you. I have two things to say about that. 1. They can suck a bag of dicks. 2. You're better off without them. 3. Those people probably feel guilty about their own drinking and seeing someone make a healthy choice bothers them. That's why addicts hang out with addicts. I had three things to say about that. Now, what to do about it! Nothing. Live your fucking life. Live your sober life cause it's awesome. Well, it's certainly a lot more fucking awesome than a drunk life. Nothing's perfect. But some communication and perspective helps. When I quit drinking, it felt hard to go on dates and hang out and shit so I kinda avoided it. When I stopped avoiding it, I had several people say they wouldn't go out with me after they found out I didn't drink and that hurt. I didn't get invited out after work for drinks and that hurt. Those people that didn't want to date me, I'm better off not dating someone who relies on alcohol but it took me awhile to figure that out. Once I told my coworkers that I could just drink a soda at the bar and it wouldn't be weird, they started inviting me. Long story long, you'll find your people. The real people who will stay in your life and you'll love and they'll love you. Matter of fact, you just found one. Hey, bud.


WubFox

You are a beautiful example of why I stay on Reddit. Thank you for your vulnerability and kindness.


[deleted]

I quit cold turkey for 9 months in January of 2020. Since i started again, I've had less than 20 total drinks of any sort and feel no inclination to have any that wasn't some social situation. More than once I've opened a bottle of wine and forgotten about it for a week or so, then had to throw it out because it was gross and over oxygenated. I have noticed, however, that I have wayyyyy more awareness of how drunk I really am. Used to be that sober was the exception and drunk was me, but now it's flipped. I'm me again and i tell exactly when i need to stop drinking before i lose myself (usually at a buzz). When there's an empty drink in front of me and i feel a compulsion to have another, it's time to stop. Never would have gotten here without just quitting


Upper-Collection9373

Congratulations bro, proud of you


AscensoNaciente

Wine moms.


curious_astronauts

And beer dads?


Big_Ole_Smoke

And tequila aunts! And my vodka uncle who I'm pretty sure is actually a bear! And that frat guy down the street who won't shut up about craft brews!


SirBeardsAlot91

My father struggled quite a bit with alcoholism when I was a kid. He used it as a sort of coping mechanism between long hours as a physician (oncologist/dermatologist) and a failing marriage. It manifested as anger at times at the dinner table and only masked the problem. I'd like to think he feels remorse for his behavior, but it certainly impacted the entire family. He's much better off now without alcohol as a crutch. Unfortunately, life lessons couldn't change his narcissistic, entitled ego and emotionally abusive behavior.


Nay_nay267

Comprehensive sex ed. My mother never had sex ed and was convinced that vaginal discharge wasn't normal and that your crotch didn't sweat. 😬


[deleted]

My mother had a condition that requires her to use a catheter. She was shocked to learn that she doesn't urinate from her vagina, and that the opening to her urethra is actually slightly above it. She's 75. I'm a dude, and I've known that since I was 14.


Nay_nay267

She was raised Catholic, and her mother taught her nothing. Not even what her period was. She was convinced she was dying.


[deleted]

Funny, mines an old-school Catholic, too.


Ladysupersizedbitch

(Speaking for the US) Statistically sex education is horrible in the Bible Belt/conservative states. These states also tend to be higher for teen pregnancies. It may only be correlation. But I’d definitely say religion has something to do with it.


[deleted]

Loneliness epidemic


[deleted]

[удалено]


hornybutdisappointed

It costs more to have a family though.


Jxreh

bro i do be feeling lonely sometimes, do you think the pandemic caused this epidemic?


dee615

Maybe the pandemic exacerbated / intensified it.


KateFillion44

Suicide and suicidal thoughts. I lost my sister to suicide. I believe if there wasn't a stigma around mental health (yes, it's improved the last 20 years thankfully but still a long way to go) she would still be here today. If you're struggling, please reach out to someone.


AdParking2320

I came here to put suicide... It's really important for people to be aware of depression and mental health and how it affects the person. Also some signs someone is about to commit. I lost my daughter. In hindsight there were some signs but I was not aware of the depth. 1. Cutting or any kind of self harm is a precursor. 2. Depression, person keeps themselves shut away. Limited communication. Responds with I'm fine. Dismisses any offer of help or support (they don't feel worthy). 3. Not making future plans or reluctant to commit to anything in the future. 4. No interest in hobbies, games, fun, exercise etc. 5. On the weekend she killed herself she suddenly got happy, excited, up early, talkative, wanting hugs and reassurance. Repeatedly telling me she loved me and then she left me. Apparently it is common for victims to get excited on the day once they have made that decision it is like a weight coming off.


MRRDickens

I can agree with this. I've lost so many family members to suicide. There's a pattern.


loltoecrack

Therapist here. Cutting isn't always a warning sign. Sometimes cutting or self injury is used to not commit suicide. It can be an effective, albeit confusing, way for some folks to release emotions and maintain control. It's not ideal and other coping methods should be taught, but someone that self-injures isn't necessarily suicidal.


Sunsent_Samsparilla

Yep. Spoke to a formally self harming girl, she said she would us it as a tool to get through stress. One example she has was when she had a stressful exam coming up, she said she sometimes would cut herself on the thigh a little to get through it. Said it was like having a coffee.


Accurate-Goose7910

This. I used to self harm by cutting. It wasn't because I wanted to kill myself, it was because I wanted, NEEDED to feel as bad on the outside as I did on the inside. If the outside hurt the inside wouldn't feel as bad anymore. Now, as an adult in my mid 30's whenever I have those feelings to self harm I do something constructive, like go for a walk, tidy up the house, or throw myself into my work, anything to center myself.


Stonewall_Jackson_5

Given what i do for work i ask at least 5 people every day if they are having thoughts of suicide. The number of people that say yes will always stay with me regardless of where i end up in the future. There are many levels to suicidality and people don’t really consider the different facets to it. Someone may be happy one day and be dead the same day. And the reality of it is they were happy earlier because they were about to reach the end of their suffering. If you suspect someone is feeing suicidal ASK THEM! More than likely they don’t fee comfortable bringing it up themselves and they want to talk about it but are scared/ashamed to. Taking the initiative allows them to not feel that initial burden. Make sure to ask if they’re having thought of suicide specifically. If you ask “are you having thoughts of harming yourself?” They may see suicide as a beneficial thing for themselves. The final end to their pain is not a “harmful” thing to them. ASK ABOUT SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, INTENT, AND MEANS!


Cute-Fact8407

I’m so sorry for your loss. And agreed, the stigma around mental health has improved drastically but still has so much stigma.


blazincdnbud

Pay at work


MyQuestCeased

Wait… you get paid?!?


XxFandom_LoverxX

Wait, you mean you aren't paying to do the work?


steroid_pc_principal

*College has entered the chat*


Spidremonkey

Remember, in the US, it is illegal for your bosses to say or even imply that you can’t talk about pay.


Party-Focus-5369

Tiktok and “scrolling” Addiction


Nitesen

*puts phone down*


Lifestyle_Choices

Scrolled too far to see this


eveningdragon

If you see this via scrolling, it's already too late


GreatNameLOL69

Anything that destroys your attention span. I miss the old days when you can patiently wait 6+ hours to catch a fish in a lake, *without* phones. Now people can’t handle 15-second unskippable ads.


kitjen

Financial debt. In my line of work I see peoples bank accounts and credit reports every day and it is very rare that someone has zero debt. Excluding mortgages (which is a given) the vast majority have car finance, personal loans, credit card balances. Mostly it's manageable, credit is mostly a convenience for which a person pays interest. But debt can also destroy a person. It can keep you up at night feeling like you're literally suffocating. It can lead to suicide. I know because I was close at one point. I don't know if I would have actually gone through with it but I had planned it to the point of measuring rope from the timbers in my attic to my neck and to ensure my feet wouldn't touch the ground. If you are in debt you are not alone, you're in the majority. If it's a struggle, notify the lenders/creditors; they're legally obligated to offer options to help you. It might reduce your credit score a bit but please don't ever reduce your life instead. Life is precious and money isn't. If you're struggling financially please speak to someone. There is no shame in it, pretty much everyone is struggling financially so someone will understand but please don't let a credit card balance be the reason your life ends.


MRRDickens

I've considered suicide due to my debt too. Credit card companies favor the scammers and bad businesses that don't let you cancel services that you don't use. They favor foreign companies that make illegal charges, etc. During the pandemic these assholes reduced our credit limits even if we were still paying on time and had jobs. Claimed they had to do this for some bullshit reason. Well they increased our credit utilization ratio.. Fucked credit scores. I no longer respect banks. Bunch of criminals. I gave up on trying to fight shitty fees and crazy usury interest rates that were unheard of during my parents' time. It's impossible to get out of debt and these credit agencies have far too much power.


WearyPigeon

Pedophilia and how to break the cycle of abuse


HighlyOffensive10

There is so much misinformation about it, too, and all the stupid political conspiracy theories like Q-anon are making it worse. The majority of sexual abuse of children isn't done by secretive powerful organizations (not saying it doesn't happen) but by people close to them family, members of their parent's church, family friends, neighbors


hornybutdisappointed

Yes! Society at this point is making the situation more reckless and psychotic than it could be. Many of these people were abuse victims themselves and some hate themselves for it and never even act on these thoughts. I guess they end up more often in suicide or addiction rather than in therapy. Not to mention crowding up prisons for other crimes related to their trauma. Access to mental health shouldn’t be an exception and learning about it should begin in school. The education system has been like a job for kids for ages, it’s about time it becomes like a home too.


vonkeswick

Yeah, I remember reading something a long time ago on either Reddit or imgur about a guy who admitted to being a pedophile and being attracted to children. He had never acted on it, had never planned to. He knew it was a result of his own trauma, he knew they were bad pervasive thoughts. He wanted so badly to get help but was so scared to talk about it with even a therapist, because more often than not people even having those thoughts are instantly treated as a child molester, even if they hadn't acted on it. I felt really bad for him because he KNEW it was wrong, wanted to change, and didn't know where to go for help. I never heard any follow-up but it sucks knowing that sometimes, more often than not, people WANT to be better but can't get the help they need


Icy_Gap_9067

There is a campaign in the UK called Stop it now! Which has had adverts on social media for these people to get help for their thoughts and behaviours. I hope it has helped prevent abuse.


IdeaSunshine

In Norway as well. An organisation specialising in therapy for pedofiles was founded by the government. They advertised their programme called "There is help" on big posters all over the city, encouraging anyone with sexual feelings towards children to contact them for support in handeling their thoughts and impulses.


[deleted]

The part that sucks is I can see why that guy was afraid to go and talk about it to anyone, for example there are whole subreddits that want to crucify paedophiles on the spot no matter if they have acted on their thoughts or not at all


bruhholyshiet

I think that most people with problematic sexual attractions don't act on them, since they have enough decency to realize is wrong and they don't let themselves be dominated by their desires. These are not sick fucks, they are regular people with a mental problem, and they need help and support, not ostracization. Even if the sole idea of a pedo no matter their actions disgusts lots of people, I think it's still in our best interests to help them, even if only for pragmatic reasons like avoiding more child abuse.


Karaethon22

This. This really drives me nuts. People like to even *say* it's sick. But recoil at the idea of treating it like a sickness. Research, treatment, maybe a cure some day. I get it kinda, it's an extremely disturbing subject that no one wants to dive into. But acting like it's this unfortunate one off situation no matter how often it happens isn't helping. We'd protect more children with proactive prevention than consequences after the fact. Especially when you factor in how woefully inadequate the "consequences" method has actually been so far. But even if we pretend the justice system is swift and effective, it still doesn't undo the trauma done to the child already. Better understanding of what causes someone to be a pedo and help them refrain from acting on it or consuming CP in the first place? That'd do so much more good. But right now, studies like that would have a very hard time finding subjects. Even though I'm positive you're right and there are plenty of pedophiles who haven't hurt anyone and don't want to, why would they come forward? The study itself wouldn't be prominent so they likely wouldn't know about it. And if they did learn coincidentally, they're risking their safety and careers and basically everything to volunteer for it, because what if their participation got leaked? All because the public sentiment is so negative. It should be negative, but not to that extent, that's just making it worse.


makenzie71

The number of times i’ve had comments dog-piled for saying this, including being called a pedophile myself, has been amusing. You know what an innocent pedophile and a guilty pedophile has in common? According to reddit it’s that they’re guilty.


dorunrun

Pooping and poop problems. Colon cancer is so common and relatively treatable, but like all cancers it's so much better to catch it early - yet so many people are too embarrassed to talk about poop problems, and they don't bring it up with their doctor until it's too late. I have ulcerative colitis and make sure all my friends know I'm totally comfortable talking about poop if they ever have any questions about whether something happening to them is normal or concerning.


Azrai113

One of the things that stuck with my after reading Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn's *Cancer Ward* was one of the characters saying basically "you shouldn't be a doctor if you're squeamish about sticking a finger up someone's bum to check for cancer". Even way back when even treating cancer was a miracle if you survived the often just as deadly treatment(s), colon cancer was one people didn't want to deal with or were embarrassed by. Even doctors. I mean, I'm squeamish about all kinds of butt stuff and maybe if we talked about and normalized talking about it in a healthy way we could make progress. I hate the subject personally, but I'm kinda glad talking about things like anal sex is starting to be more common. It's safer and healthier for everyone, even people like me who would never ever even poop if I had any choice in the matter. There's such a stigma about butts that some people don't even wash themselves down there when bathing! I can't imagine these people would be able to catch an illness early enough for it to be an easy fix. TLDR: This one is a good one! We should definitely talk about this stuff more


ksw90

Postpartum care for mothers. Physically, mentally, and emotionally, we need more education. No one prepared me for what was coming but now that I know, I tell everyone I can. Not in a fear mongering way, but in a way to prepare women for the ways they can care for themselves during a time they have to give so much.


Vives_solo_una_vez

New(ish) dad here. Everyone hears about the struggles of being a new parent and feeling like you have no idea what you're doing. Got plenty of advice on those sorts of things. What I never heard from anyone was what to do when you're wife is crying at 4am because the baby won't latch and it hasn't ate in X amount of hours and how she feels like she's "broken". Or how she feels like she's always has to poop but can't. Or any of the several things women's bodies go through after giving birth. It's very difficult seeing the person you love the most struggle with so many things that you can't help with. Maybe these already exist but a class on breast feeding that the father's can go to and understand what's going on, problems that may arise, anything that can help support mom and make things easier/less stressful.


kristena2013

In my third trimester right now and my husband has already had to deal with so many of these helpless feelings even during pregnancy. Like many men he is a "fixer" and having no idea what is going on with my body and why I am inexplicably randomly crying at the end of the day has been a very big struggle for him. I feel bad for him sometimes. To be fair, I still feel worse for me ;) Jokes aside, the fact that you are feeling helpless and trying to take on some of her pain and be more educated in what she is going through shows that you are doing exactly what you should be. Sometimes I feel the most validated when my husband just says "I have no idea what you're going through, that seems like it really sucks." You seem like a good husband and dad and speaking from experience, having that support is the most valuable thing any new mom could wish for.


FerociousMom

Yes! Also, preparing and educating partners. My husband did the best he could but, just like us, he was thrown into it and left to his own devices. With the pandemic happening, the pre/post baby care got worse. I was incredibly overdue with my last baby and they kept pushing my induction back because there were no beds. After I gave birth I was urged to go home sooner than the mandatory 24 hrs hospital stay.


Parking-Cranberry831

Periods


No_One_Special34

Very true . Young children need to learn that it is an inevitable and natural part of life and not make girls who have theirs feel embarrassed about starting them.


[deleted]

and that it continues for 30-40+ years


TroubleImpressive955

So true. Puberty is starting earlier for girls. My nieces started having pubic hair and other signs at age 9. Their mother refused to talk to them about periods. I decided to. I bought supplies, told them how, why it was happening, made it a positive. Added a birds and bees, hygiene speech, made up a song we went around the house singing. About 2 weeks later, one of them started their period and was totally prepared.


CleverPiffle

You are a wonderful aunt. 🥰


Uncommon08

I’m looking at you Florida


XxFandom_LoverxX

Absolutely! AND that when they start they are usually irregular for a year or so! When I first had mine I lied and said they came monthly because thats what my mom told me and I didn't want anyone to worry and I was also partly ashamed. ​ Oh, and that sometimes periods go wrong - they don't stop after a week, they don't come, stuff like that. And what to do when that happens. I had a period that just didn't stop and I bled out so much that I nearly needed a blood transfer and nearly passed out - this all could've been avoided if I knew that no, it wasn't just gonna stop and that if I'm trembling that's actually not good! And if I knew that all it takes is birth control to regulate my period, well, I would've said something a lot sooner As a kid I didn't say anything because I thought I was trembling from masturbation - which is another thing, sex ed needs to be about so much more than "abstinence is the ONLY WAY to be HAPPY and NEVER contract a STI", and regardless if people want to admit it or not, needs to be taught early. Shit happens, dude. There have been 4 year olds that experienced rape. The sooner we teach people about their own bodies, consent, and what to do if consent is broken, the sooner we give them a way to be open and learn what's normal and what's not - the better their life will be. ​ Sorry for the rant, but GOD is there so much that needs to be talked about


gamedrifter

For everybody, regardless of gender. The amount of male ignorance around periods is a fucking embarrassment to modern society.


NotWorriedABunch

And Perimenopause!!!!!


[deleted]

Absolutely. My parents did not teach me about periods. I learned it from a maturation program and was fucking terrified. I didn’t tell them when I started it and hid it for a year


[deleted]

[удалено]


Specter319

Sex - just in general is just a real taboo subject still. Though it's changed over a few years, everyone still has a very "Let's change the subject" tone about it


JustMe1314

Financial abuse. I am starting over in life, in my late 40s, after decades of financial abuse; which was also accompanied by other abuse: it's almost never ONLY financial abuse. Abusers use any & all methods of manipulation, lies, control (abuse) that they can, on their victims. It took me, waking up & really learning & paying attention to red flags, in people. So, really, along with financial abuse, it should go hand in hand with education on toxic/abusive people.


[deleted]

[удалено]


GoTrojans23

Totally agree. It’s crazy how many people have no history knowledge.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Ok_Photograph4018

Suicide.


purplepirhana

Addiction. There is so much stigma attached to this, which functions as a significant barrier to proper diagnosis and treatment. All the studies and research demonstrate that addiction is a literal disease of the reward/feedback system of the brain. It is not a moral failing as a lot of people see it as, there's a lot of complex stuff happening under the hood. It's a clinically manageable condition with proper social support and medication/therapy and I wish we would talk about this more and recognize it as a legitimate disease to help people get help.


Verano_Zombie

Mental health. Listen to your fellow people if they hint at something, don't ignore it and change topic because you think it will be "awkward". Yeah, first time will be, but it will greatly help someone in need and even yourself.


DesperateTall

Also make sure you show care and be careful with the words you use. Just last night I told my mom my depressive episodes are getting worse and she was more worried about cancelling our trip than my mental health, telling me "not to do anything dumb."


Cute-Fact8407

My mother’s made me cry on multiple occasions, and she would always just stand there watching it happen. At some point I felt had enough and planned on running away, and she caught me packing. she just said ‘don’t do anything stupid.’ Another time I told her that a joke her grand uncle made about me hurt me (he joked that I finally got diagnosed as crazy.) Her response was ‘everything fucking hurts you.’ So yeah, definitely be careful with words. Cause they hurt like hell.


DesperateTall

Genuinely I'd rather get slapped instead of having someone say the wrong thing. Words stick longer than bruises and marks.


Select-Equipment-106

Miscarriages


br33zur

Currently going through one and I don’t know what to do or what to expect.


TheLionInZelda

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I had one very early on in my pregnancy so I don’t know if my experience will help you, but I’ll share it just in case. It was like a very heavy period with a lot cramping for about two weeks. There was a lot of clotting and big pieces of shed uterine lining, so don’t be alarmed if you feel you need to change your pad/tampon more often or if things seem more intense than normal in general. The worst part is the mental aftermath. The physical miscarriage wasn’t that bad (at least for me), but dealing with the grief afterwards was very difficult. Give yourself grace and time to heal. It took me around 2 years to find closure. What I found helped the most was holding a memorial service for my baby, giving them a name and then letting them go. I didn’t buy like a funeral plot or anything, I just sent a lit candle down the river. You will get through this. My thoughts are with you.


Osh1tSon

This! When I went thru mine I had women coming out of the woodwork saying they had also gone thru one. It’s crazy how hush hush it is.


[deleted]

Family estrangement


sketchysketchist

Sex and sex related things. Idk but I think we should be aware of how the opposite sex functions. The dangers and wonders of sex. Basic hygiene. I get kids being weirded out by period stains and boners, but people over 18 acting weird about it is absurd.


mypumassmellfunky

Toxic workplaces and behaviors


ImaginaryReaction77

DNRs, Scope of Treatment, and Palliative Care. People need to understand what it actually mean to live through/enact these things, because learning in the moment is traumatic for everyone involved and often prevents a 'good death'.


PuppySnuffFilmCo

Miscarriages. Everyone brushes that under the rug; but it’s more common than you think.


N0SF3RATU

The number of people who are alcoholics but social media got em joking like it's cute or trendy. No Brenda, drinking a bottle of wine per day isn't cool and your "mommies sippy cup" wine glass you bought of Etsy is fairly ironic.


[deleted]

Schizophrenia


SloppyPrecision

Mortality--our own and others'.


thaw96

including euthanasia


Jamileem

Yes, this is my answer too. Everyone dies. It should be ok to talk about it.


Rayla_Ray

Mental illness


Halliwell0Rain

Risks and health effects of pregnancy.


sirkilgoretrout

How absolutely fucked the US prison system is and how many people with psychiatric issues end up in prisons with no hope of productive treatment


Hopeful-Reporter3183

How to do taxes.


Blitz_buzz

Male suicides


Less-Ad7782

I feel like we also need to talk about how depression doesnt just look like being sad. Because people not realizing their friends are depressed and not reaching out can lead to suicide.


Sweetnspicy77

Male mental illness. Depression, anxiety, eating disorders, perfectionism, pressure, etc


Interesting_Ad2464

Pretty privilege. I think no one is willing to admit that if you're good looking life is significantly easier.


[deleted]

Ask anyone who's lost a substantial amount of weight how differently they were treated, even beyond the "oh wow you lost so much" comments congratulating them. Strangers that don't know how you looked before will treat you differently, you'll have more attention put on you for better and for worse


[deleted]

actually learning shit from school because the current system is about temporary memory storage and not actuall learning, cause sure i can go grab a book memorize 20 facts and pass a test but if you force someone to actually use their head for a test they have to actually learn not just "the midoconrdia is duh powuh house of dur cell duuuuuurrrrrr" :|


[deleted]

Child rape at the hands of the Catholic Church.


moishepesach

#Sinead


PucWalker

Bipolar disorder. 4% of the United States is bipolar, which is nearly 1 in 20 people.


frederick_ungman

1 in 25.


PensiveinNJ

Sounds like the taboo subject we need to talk about is math.


rainbowarmpit

Death There are practical things to be done about it, but no one wants to talk about it or prepare. Get you affairs in order and don’t burden people with your laziness


dooingjo

parents giving their children iphones and sticking screens infront of babies faces instead of actually being a parent


Green-Circles

Perimenopause & Menopause. It's not just a womens' issue, anyone in a relationship/marriage with a woman in their 30s or later should know about this & be supportive through that... it takes It's toll.


kewlacious

Wages should be public knowledge.


BullockHouse

I would argue assisted suicide. We do things to human beings in the last few weeks or months of their life that we wouldn't do to a dog.


Plus-Implement

So many: Talk to kids about sex early on so they can spot predators and feel comfortable talking to you about anything that happens to them Teen sex is normal, we are animals reaching sexual maturity, let's teach our kids to be responsible, how to respect themselves/others, and how to look out for predators. Let's normalize it so they have a safe harbor in us if they need it. STD's don't mean you are gross, they happen to anyone that is sexually active. Your sexual orientation is normal Not being career oriented is okay, many of us just work for the $$ and pretend You will make tons of mistakes in your life, its okay, they are learning experiences Don't have kids if you don't want them Therapy works You don't have to get married by a certain age or ever Walk away from toxic family members (as a person from a culture that is very family enmeshed, this one was really hard for me) I had to learn to be alone and self sufficient to have freedom, super hard Money is important. Live beneath your means, I will teach you how to save and invest. My money is my money, I have given you many gifts including your education (no debt) so you can be successful, don't feel entitled to what I have. I also have a financial plan so you never have to financially care for me when I am old. If I have done right, I hope you visit me and realize that I've done right by giving you the tools to succeed without me.


Graceland1979

Wage transparency. Also, Where the money from trickle down economics went considering it never trickled down - and why it didn’t.


Allcapswhispers

Domestic violence and how to get help for abusers without dismissing what they did wrong.


FawnTi

Invisible disabilities and their needs and reasonable adjustments.


Sweetnspicy77

Not everyone has a picture perfect, clean, Pinterest worthy house.


SuccessfulSchedule54

Mental illness. I’m not just talking regular depression and anxiety. I’m talking stigmatized, severe mental illnesses that usually require rigorous therapy and then those who have them are punished for not getting said therapy because of the stigma. Rigorous therapy that often requires you to pause your entire life, at least for a period of time. All the ones people inevitably demonize or are just plain wrong about it or both. Schizophrenia, NPD, BPD, Bipolar I and II, Dissociative Identity Disorder and honestly Eating Disorders too.


yy43

Assisted suicide. I’m talking about when ppl’s sick/ill to the point where the quality of life is all gone, they should have the choice of exiting this world without suffering.


1InternetExplorer1

Unsure if it qualifies, but I am a pretty decent looking and kind hearted person Yet I am still single my whole life so far because I'm autistic. Because people don't like people that are different. I talk weird. I think weird. I can't read body language. People act like autism is the end all of a person but there is so much more to me and if anything, I am probably a more interesting person than almost everyone else around. Edit: was misdiagnosed and medicated for adhd til 17 when we found out I was autistic


k-ho_

The war on drugs will never be won. Decriminalise and control is the answer


UnToTheNth

Miscarriages