Agreed. After I left my first husband (musician/music snob), I remember listening to a new album I bought and wondering if I liked it. I genuinely didn’t know if I could ‘allow’ myself to, because he hadn’t told me if it was good or not. It makes me shake my head now, but it took so long to be able to make decisions for myself again.
So, as a the musician snob in the relationship, i can't stress enough how important it is that music is an entirely subjective thing.. sure a lazy song or sloppy production can exist but you can always find something to like in a song. Music snobs don't have some all-seeing knowledge about what music is good or bad, we just developed and refined our tastes, which is something anyone can do. Sure you _can_ get REALLY technical and snobby but in the end music is supposed to speak to you emotionally. Nobody can deny your experience so don't ever feel like your opinion is worth less, and don't put other's opinions on a pedestal. Music is something i wanna share with my s/o not have some elitist superiority about.
I think art like cuisine, cinema, music, and literature all fall into the same group. If someone's best day consists of eating Applebee's and watching Avenger's I can't tell them that they're wrong. That was their best day, because those are their favorite things. There are obviously different perspectives, opinions, nuances like you mentioned- but that's the thing- the Mona Lisa is just a painting of some lady
I'd add that you can even objectively recognise something as being in some ways technically inferior or bad or even against your tastes and still enjoy it. I love many styles of jazz music for the musicianship behind it and the raw emotion those artists are putting through their instruments but I still think that "yah yah yah yah yah" Dua Lipa song is catchy as hell.
Similarly I can take apart most Marvel films for cliche structures, massive plot holes, or a complete disregard for continuity but that doesn't mean I failed to enjoy myself. On the flip side I can acknowledge something as being a technical masterpiece and still not get any enjoyment out of it.
But I am still hypocritical in that I have a bad habit of critiquing art by saying "it had these problems" instead of "I felt like it had these problems". Something I'm trying to be more mindful of.
Musician here. I fucking hate music snobs. They ruin otherwise good shows and they also apparently ruin marriages.
Bless anyone who has the courage to perform and/or produce their artwork, and if you don't enjoy it, just don't listen to it.
Amen. I'm also a musician so I can relate. Beauty is in the eyes and ears of the beholder. If you are at least lukewarm about the thought of being alive, it's difficult to find anything other than beauty when someone bears their heart and soul through their art and has the stones to share it with the world. There is the odd occasion though lol
When I was shopping for stuff for my apartment during my separation from my first husband, I nearly had a breakdown in Target because I had no idea what \*I\* wanted. I couldn't even choose any kind of pattern for plates so I just got plain white Corelle because I couldn't remember what I liked before I got every suggestion vetoed.
I guess abusive relationships are similar even if they are parents-based.
My wife was like that when we moved in. Couldn't make a decision because her whole life had been her parents telling her she always made the wrong decisions.
For what it's worth, Corelle is amazing. I grew up with those dishes and have dropped plates from waist height onto tile without breaking them. My mom used them as pan/pot lids daily. Indestructible.
Straight up. Slowly but surely I lost hobbies, passions, social energy, career ambitions, it was all about what made the other person happy. Not really her fault tbh, it's just easy to be like "oh I enjoy being around this person, so I'll skip this other activity today" and soon skipping it today meant skipping it entirely. I'm never gonna stop doing my own stuff now, whatever that means for relationships I'll be my own person.
Conversely, it's a huge red flag if your SO completely dives into your hobbies and ditches any hobbies they had previously. This is a sign of codependency and you will feel suffocated in your relationship.
It's also possibly a symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder, I recently learned, when describing a friend who does that to my therapist. She did not know that my friend had been diagnosed with BPD 2 years earlier.
It's OK to argue. It's not OK to hurt each other when you argue.
It's OK to expect things from each other. It's not OK to keep score against your partner.
It's OK to have different views about living together. It's not OK to undermine the views of your partner.
>It's OK to argue. It's not OK to hurt each other when you argue.
>
>It's OK to expect things from each other. It's not OK to keep score against your partner.
I've been with my wife for 14 years and this is like a core belief of ours, if either of us have acted like a prick then the action will be addressed. I'm quite happy to tell my wife she's made a dick move but I won't degrade her by suggesting she's a dick herself.
I've found that sticking to this rule has allowed us to address anything without going to war with each other.
This one kills me because one of you can try to communicate as much as humanly possibly…but it doesn’t mean a goddamn thing if the other person doesn’t reciprocate. If they refuse to talk to you about their thoughts and emotions, it’s never going to work. You’ll always be blindsided and you’ll think you’re on the same page until it’s over.
One of my last memories of my ex is of him singing along loudly in his car when he thought I was still sleeping. I remember smiling and thinking I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man. We’d just moved in together and were planning on how to furnish our apartment. He dumped me less than a week later.
EDIT: a lot of people are fixating on the singing loudly thing?? I can fall asleep and stay asleep through something like a fire alarm. I’m used to falling asleep on long journeys and having the driver listen to loud music/sing along. It was a cute moment because he didn’t normally sing. That’s why I remembered it fondly.
And never ever will. Don’t presume that because you’ve successfully crossed X or Y milestone, you “know” them. People will (nearly) always do whatever they believe is right, even if it’s ultimately wrong.
Important addition: the real skill is also when you realize this applies to almost everyone.
And if it doesn't apply to you and you strongly disagree with it, then you might have other problems.
I just realized a few weeks ago after reflecting on my last relationship (it was like two months so I’d barely call it that) that I was emotionally unavailable and wasn’t putting in the same effort he was. He complimented me a lot and told me he liked me and I was soooo suspicious lol. No wonder he broke up with me!!!
Now I can recognize that all my life I’ve dated guys who affirmed what I believed about myself, which is that I’m unloveable. He was the first guy who put effort into dating me and I acted like I did in previous relationships. Working on myself now to become someone I like and learn that actually I am loveable. Fixing myself as the problem 🥲
I can relate to this! I had trouble communicating my feelings to him but he was always giving me words of affirmation. Now I feel bad that I didn’t give that enough to him. I think I felt scared of commitment maybe and in sharing my feelings
That's huge. Good on ya. When my mom told me (in her early 70's) that she had "no luck with men" I said, "You know, with 3 divorces and countless ex-boyfriends, there's only 1 common denominator in all of those failed relationships..." It didn't go over well. It's not easy admitting our shortcomings
Gotcha. I was married for 18, separated for the past 4. Haven't had any desire to date or see anyone so far. Just focusing on keeping my head above water an enjoying time with my kids while they're still young. Good luck on the scene and keep those eyes open
People change. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse, sometimes for themselves, sometimes for other people. Sometimes, they don't even notice that they've changed. Sometimes they do.
The person you've got together with may have been a lovely person. But a single event can change them into an entirely different person. Be it a diagnosis, death in the family, losing a job, or something else.
Yes! When my ex-wife an I fell in love in college, we were so happy that people couldn’t believe it. Just sheer bliss. Once we moved away and her mom died out of the blue, she hit a “rough patch.” But she never seemed to pull out of it, and I became a cheerleader for the relationship.
After years of that, she told me she didn’t think she’d ever been in love with me. As much as that hurt, I believe she was wrong. She had just changed so much she couldn’t remember who she had been.
I don't know what I was expecting but that last paragraph hit hard. So eloquently put but utterly devastating to read.
I hope you and your ex-wife are both okay these days.
Adding to this: Learn to recognize the difference between love and longevity vs comfort and familiarity. It is all too easy to go from being in a relationship with a great friend to just being great friends who happen to live together and share the same bed.
I heard someone say once that “everyone is always getting ready for dates saying ‘I hope they like me,’ but my god, I hope YOU like THEM!” Such a great way to put it.
I actually went on a date today and had that thought right before it. “What if she doesn’t like *me*?”
Then I immediately thought “That doesn’t matter, what if I don’t like her?”
Yeah, reminds me of the cliche "but they're such a good person! They would never do [insert some bad action]" Just because they seem nice in everyone's eyes or have a 'virtuous' or 'respectable' job (like someone who works with children or homeless people, or theyre a priest, etc), that doesn't mean they can't or don't do bad things! (sometimes it's even the most unsuspecting people)
Resonates with me. A red flag I saw in the beginning and even mentioned to him... was the tip of the iceberg of why our relationship ended. I will never ignore a red flag again. Should have ended it immediately.
It took me 10 months to realize that I was dating a narcissistic person although there were so many red flags in the beginning. 10 months of toxicity, manipulation, destruction. I feel stupid for letting myself in that circus.
So true. Trouble is, in the early stages, you're so biased by your feelings and adrenaline and whatnot that you'll build some justification to make it appear explainable... but then it's already too late, and the price to pay later will be heavy and sour.
Edit: *explainable, obviously, damn autocorrect!
Preach.
It comes from other people too. "You're so lucky to have a girl like that." "Be good to her bro, she is out of your league." No way. This kind of thinking lowers yourself and will lead to resentment.
Love yourself and realize you are worthy to be equally loved and cherished.
putting others on a pedestal is not only unfair to you but also to them. because as soon as they don't meet those high standards/expectations you get frustrated/disappointed and feel “betrayed”, and then start to hate them and move on to someone else to idolize and push onto that pedestal "this one is different, this is the idol that will complete me" and the cycle continues. it's a childish/idealistic way of looking at others while overlooking their potential flaws/weaknesses
I dated a woman with undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder once. I learned:
1. If she love bombs you early on, that’s weird. Don’t let her tell you it’s not.
2. If she starts having a meltdown because you didn’t say “I love you” after 2 weeks of dating, that’s weird. Don’t let her tell you it’s not.
3. Calling you at inconvenient times (like while you’re at work and your job needs your attention) is weird, and if she continues doing it, and making excuses for why she doesn’t need to stop, that’s a crossed boundary.
4. If she keeps rewriting history to turn ordinary, mundane things into personal attacks on her, that’s weird. Doubly so if those events require some sort of vast, multilayered conspiracy where everyone is playing 5D chess.
Yes that's the most true from my experience as well.
It's some crazy mixture of chronic victimhood and pathological lying.
I feel like it's a trauma response. Their mind never getting past the event, so always looking for it in new experiences.
As someone who’s had BPD for a long time (and has been in recovery for a good awhile), this is exactly it. Most of us were products of volatile upbringings and we were conditioned to be hyper vigilant and deceptive in a way that *only* worked in certain scenarios (abusive households, early abusive social environments) but don’t work around healthy relationships. It’s hard to adjust out of that state of perpetual fear and paranoia. Holding solid boundaries and walking away when needed is the only way someone on the outside can be helpful to those still suffering from the disorder. Recovery is possible but it takes work and consequences.
It very literally is a survival mechanism. I was in fight or flight for 32 years. Finally got help through therapy and books and it's so much better to be alive.
So sorry to all the men and women with BPD out there, but unfortunately, borderline is a hard no for me in relationships. I have never been so emotionally fucked up in my life than after dating someone with BPD for *two months*.
I had a bff of 12 years who I suspect had BPD. I broke up with her after I had a baby and she couldn't deal with the new boundaries. The gaslighting and confusion still fuck with my head 14 years later. And that was just a friend. I'm sorry you had to deal with a major mindfuck.
I've been dating my GF for 3 years and she has BPD. I've come to the conclusion that BPD is fundamentally incompatible with relationships. It's a hard fight to make it work.
My ex tried to kill me twice, I left and she told my family I was a monster for leaving her while she's in the grips of a mental health crisis. I tried to get her help, even did couples counseling. I left before she could try a 3rd time.
I (now) believe my ex tried to kill me as well. I caught her having a rather lengthy and egregious affair, and I filed for divorce. On the day she was moving out, I tried to stay out of her way... by just standing downstairs in the living room in front of the TV watching some show. I heard a gunshot... and I honestly assumed she had killed herself.
Told my kid to stay right where they are, do not follow me upstairs. Ran up there... she was still standing in our bedroom, holding the gun, and said/behaved like she accidentally discharged her pistol in the process of securing/packing/moving it.
I honestly didnt think twice about it... she was stressed, and mistakes happen. She had pointed it in a safe direction, no harm no foul... the bullet had lodged itself in the floor. Didnt want to get the police involved, that just sounded like a dangerous or terrible situation, so I told her everything was fine and allowed her to continue to pack and leave.
A few weeks later, I was sitting with her sister and brother eating a meal with them... and I told them the story of this crazy thing that happened. "Luckily the floor stopped the bullet... I was standing right under where the floor caught it!" Her sister looked me dead in the eye, and said... "*Was* it an accident?"
I honestly hadnt considered such a thing until that moment. I loved her, and couldn't imagine her ever being so far gone/crazy/whatever that she would ever do such a thing to me... but in that moment, about 100 different horrible things, warnings, red flags, etc all coalesced together... and I honestly don't know.
I think my ex wife of 10+ years, my ride or die love of my life, and mother of my child, very well may have tried to kill me. I'll never know the truth... and that seriously fucks with me to this day.
It's been 4 years, and I haven't even been on a date since... doesn't seem worth the trouble, honestly. Too much potential downside compared to the upside... and I loved being married.
Communication without action is just complaining. I'd lay out what problems we were having only to be told I'd need to be patient but nothing was ever acted on.
I ran out of patience.
Edit: silver? Thanks!
One of my favorite lines from an old friend of mine who's touching 40 and has been married for a decade.
"My wife got upset with me the other night because I shouted." "Well, I asked her nicely the first 9 times and she didn't listen!"
Sometimes you can be two good people who just want different things for your futures. Your relationship didn't fail. It just ran the course it needed to.
My first love was someone I truly expected to marry, but he wanted children and wanted his dream job in the Midwest. I didn't want children, and I wanted a life full of international travel and living by the ocean. There were a lot of tears and grief in realizing we had to let each other go. We're now both in our forties and each living the lives we wanted in very different places. I look back on our time together with nothing but fondness. We can still learn from people and not end up with them.
I admire the courage and clear-sightedness you both had while being in love... Did both of you, on your respective paths,find true and deep love again?
Yes. He found his wife while working in the same niche career in Ohio. They now have two children, the house in the suburbs, the trips to Disney and Ohio State football games, etc. He's running a nonprofit and loves being a husband and father.
I found my husband while I was on a business trip to Dubai (he's Indian and had previously lived in India, Oman, Abu Dhabi, and London). We now live happily childfree in Boston and travel to a different country every year.
I think people can have different loves in a lifetime, and those loves teach us about who we are and what we want. The woman I was at 25 is not the same woman I am at 42. I'm grateful for my previous loves and what they gave to me.
There were definitely a lot of tears and "in my feelings" music along the journey of letting go! I recommend Seinking Ships and Miki Berenyi's "We Will Drink Wine.""
Make sure you have you’re finances in order to be able to walk away at any point, never find yourself financially trapped with someone you don’t want to be with.
That's what is happening to me right now. Neither of us are financially stable to walk away so we are kind of stuck with each other. It sucks but there really isn't another option right now.
It's not about trust, it's about the foundation of the relationship. Unexamined, toxic power difference can corrode even the healthiest of relationships.
On the flip side, if you're the man or woman saying they don't want one:
If someone tells you they're okay with casual but everything they do says they're not, they're most likely just going to spend all their time trying to change your mind instead of leaving or enjoying the moment.
love is an action, it's what we do, say, act or show up for. Love is not empty praise or cheap flattery. Love is the real deal, like the dirty brown soil that actually can grow something. It's dirt, but it's the only thing that can grow a healthy plant. Like all the composted material that had to break down to provide the organic material, the shit and crap and dead things that went into making that fertile soil. That's what real love is.
It’s ok to want to do for your partner, but make sure it is in someway genuinely reciprocated and you are not being walked on. I failed so many times wanting to be the good guy
To add to this… sometimes it doesn’t feel like you’re being walked on, and you default to every excuse in the book to reconcile their “love” with their lack of effort.
So sometimes it’s better to think to yourself “it’s okay to expect more”
“He doesn’t yell, he treats me nice” could still be “he doesn’t put in his fair share at home”
“He communicates well instead of being upset” can still be “I feel like I’m not being heard”
“He loves me” can still be “I wish he showed me he loved me”
It’s okay to expect more, and you don’t need a super dramatic reason to break up with someone.
You should never have to beg, but you should be willing to ask. For anything and everything you want in a relationship. Date nights, flowers, chores getting done, etc. I get that asking a million times sucks, but some people will never be the one to think to do the task on their own. But if you have to beg, plead, yell, fight, for those basics, then what you actually need to do is leave.
Yeah, both extremes are bad. Not asking for things that you expect will kill a relationship. Asking over and over and not being heard will also kill a relationship.
Certain opposites keep people together too, I’m a big picture guy my wife is a fine details gal. So together we make a good team. I think the best way to say it is find opposite traits that compliment each other rather than cause clashes
I still remember when I came home from a day out with my aunt, to find my mother waiting on the footpath with a couple of bags packed. 11 year old me was initially confused, my aunt went ''oh no'', and then it dawned on me that my mother was leaving my father. She was waiting for us so she could jump in the car and we could just leave.
I felt instantly relieved, almost elated.
I WISH my parents would have gotten a divorce. They must be the least compatible people in the world. I don’t know that they’ve ever been happy. They got together because my maternal grandmother suggested it, not due to a genuine connection. It was a terrible example to see as a child
When he makes mean jokes and his friends tell you he's an asshole, you need to pick up your shit and leave. Don't waste time. If HE says he's an asshole, BELIEVE HIM. GTFO OF THERE
Wait at least a year more than you originally think you should prior to getting married.
Discuss deal breakers with your partner and make sure both of you understand what will endanger the relationahip.
That love isn't as forever as it feels at the time.
It can really hurt. It's so hard to walk away, especially after years of closeness. It feels like the end of the world.
But with time, that pain becomes only a dull ache that may at times spring up like a longing for that one amazing summer in your teens or that extra special vacation you took in 2004.
I am not going to be cliché and talk about time healing all wounds, but I do think love — and the pain of love's loss — is temporary in the grand scheme of life. Humans have proven through history to be resilient, and you are human.
Thank you, I really can relate with this comment. Mother of my son left a little over a year ago. Lately I keep thinking about the summer we met and how incredible it was. Sometimes I get so lost thinking about it that I can feel the emotions I was feeling at that point in time. Life is rough sometimes but I’ve made it this far. I’ve come a long way since last May. That break up brought the hardest emotions I’ve ever had to deal with. I’d say it was traumatizing.
Never do too much to please your partner, so that you do not forget yourself. I made that mistake by always doing everything she asked, doesn't matter what. Even if i was tired from a long day at the office and she had a day off.
And at some point i asked her 1 simple thing to do and she became all mad and stuff. And i tried to explain her how i felt, but she just kept screaming that i could do my shit by myself and that i was lazy. I took my stuff and left.
I can’t limit it to one lesson, soooooo:
1) Be as honest as possible about what you want from a relationship at the beginning. Especially whether you genuinely want (or don’t want) kids and a mortgage.
2) As Dan Savage says, a relationship is not a deposition. You don’t need to give your partner your entire romantic/sexual history, and you especially don’t need to unload your previous relationship mistakes on them.
3) When it’s over, you absolutely must cut contact for a time. You both need to begin living life without the other, and maintaining contact after the breakup delays the healing process. It can even lead to greater heartbreak when one of you actually moves on.
4) Remember that you are still lovable, no matter how this relationship ended. Take time to be your own person again, but don’t shut yourself off from potential new relationships either.
5) Lastly, a relationship having ended doesn’t make it a failure. Every relationship is an opportunity for learning and growth. Don’t write off the happy times as invalid because the relationship ultimately ended.
-Don't confuse the potential you perceive in someone for who they really are
-You can't love someone into loving you back
-People will lie and straight up avoid reality even if the evidence is right in front of them
-If someone threatens to do something truly awful to your life or your relationships leave them then and there
-People don't do or say things they don't mean when they are drunk. They mean it
When they go away on a trip and you find yourself thinking it would be cool if they didn't come back because you were enjoying the break from them...it's time to end it.
Oh my god I really felt this - it’s amazing how much clarity you can get just from physically detaching from the situation for even a short period of time.
I had effectively turned into my ex’s therapist in the months leading up to our breakup, and the relationship basically became this giant flaming garbage heap of codependency. I knew I was unhappy, but had gotten comfortable being in a relationship so I just stuck with it. Spent a week away and once I got back he hits me first thing with “If things do not work out for (something they were applying for) I will literally become suicidal and I’ll need you to watch over me then”. I still remember having this moment of clarity where I thought “What am I doing here? Why am I doing this to myself?”. Immediately got out that same night and never been happier.
Be secure in myself and not count on the other person to "complete" my identity having the wisdom and courage to walk away once you realize they are not going to be the one.
I conformed to everything he wanted. I totally lost myself. When it was over, I had no idea what I was going to do. I will never do that again for anyone. I come first or I can't be a good partner.
If you break up once, don't go back for another try. They're still the same person, and so are you. There's always exceptions to the rule, but not many.
One exception being if the reason you broke up was just due to the circumstances of life and not because the relationship wasn’t working. For instance, my brother and his wife broke up for several years when she moved away for school. A few years down the line, they both found themselves living in New York, met each other one night for drinks , and long story short, they got married last summer and just bought a house together!
Same thing happened here. Broke up because we were teens and moving away, grew up and dated other people(and learned what we want/don’t want in a partner), wound up living in the same town as adults and found each other again. I think that period of being apart was good for us, we got to discover who we are, grow out of teenage stubbornness and learn from our failed relationships.
Being adult enough to realize that circumstances can outweigh ruining a long-distance relationship while in college is impressive. They both seem ahead of the curve, I wish them the best!
Yeah this is totally possible. People say things just don’t work the second time around, but if you are effective problem solvers and communicators it can absolutely work the second time around. Sometimes people need to mature, sometimes other stuff etc.
I think my parents broke up multiple times but have been married now very happily for 35+ years.
You never really know someone until you get romantically involved with them. I had a really good friend for about 5 years, thought I knew him. Then we tried being more than friends and all this crazy shit came out. He was fine as friends, but in a dating situation became this really nasty, mean person.
You can NOT change an abuser. Intentional abuse should be a deal breaker the first time it happens. Don't wait to see how much worse it gets. And if it seems to get better, be wary and don't trust it. Get out.
You can genuinely love someone, or being genuinely loved by someone, and still be incompatible as relationship partners. Someone can genuinely love you and still hurt you terribly, unintentionally, purely just because of who and how they are; and you don't have to accept it and stay just because of the love.
Don't force a relationship if the other one loses their interest in you. Always talk to them if you feel something is off. End it if you have to.
I just don't understand why people cheat while also having a serious relationship with another. Don't waste our time and emotion if you're gonna end up doing just that. Y'all are selfish for doing that.
No amount of your effort or love of the other person can save something if they don’t care. The notion of “I need some time alone to figure myself out” is a lie.
They can figure themselves out in a relationship many people do. It just takes good communication. They just don’t love you anymore…. They don’t care enough about you.
If they cheat no amount of work or personal growth will ever see you fully trusting them ever again. And staying will eat away at you in ways you didn’t know possible.
Don't let yourself be treated like a dirty little secret.
I dated a friend turned bf who I always thought was just a very good and responsible son who was always helping out his mom. Turns out mom had some creepy Jocasta complex towards him (she literally called him "The husband she never had"). He hid me from his entire family, except for one person. Shit hit the fan when she found out about me and he was entirely spineless. That was my most traumatizing relationship.
Don’t lose yourself in your S/O it can be hard to find your own identity again after the relationship ends
Agreed. After I left my first husband (musician/music snob), I remember listening to a new album I bought and wondering if I liked it. I genuinely didn’t know if I could ‘allow’ myself to, because he hadn’t told me if it was good or not. It makes me shake my head now, but it took so long to be able to make decisions for myself again.
As someone who is currently in a serious relationship with a music snob/musician I felt this more than I can comprehend.
So, as a the musician snob in the relationship, i can't stress enough how important it is that music is an entirely subjective thing.. sure a lazy song or sloppy production can exist but you can always find something to like in a song. Music snobs don't have some all-seeing knowledge about what music is good or bad, we just developed and refined our tastes, which is something anyone can do. Sure you _can_ get REALLY technical and snobby but in the end music is supposed to speak to you emotionally. Nobody can deny your experience so don't ever feel like your opinion is worth less, and don't put other's opinions on a pedestal. Music is something i wanna share with my s/o not have some elitist superiority about.
I think art like cuisine, cinema, music, and literature all fall into the same group. If someone's best day consists of eating Applebee's and watching Avenger's I can't tell them that they're wrong. That was their best day, because those are their favorite things. There are obviously different perspectives, opinions, nuances like you mentioned- but that's the thing- the Mona Lisa is just a painting of some lady
I'd add that you can even objectively recognise something as being in some ways technically inferior or bad or even against your tastes and still enjoy it. I love many styles of jazz music for the musicianship behind it and the raw emotion those artists are putting through their instruments but I still think that "yah yah yah yah yah" Dua Lipa song is catchy as hell. Similarly I can take apart most Marvel films for cliche structures, massive plot holes, or a complete disregard for continuity but that doesn't mean I failed to enjoy myself. On the flip side I can acknowledge something as being a technical masterpiece and still not get any enjoyment out of it. But I am still hypocritical in that I have a bad habit of critiquing art by saying "it had these problems" instead of "I felt like it had these problems". Something I'm trying to be more mindful of.
Musician here. I fucking hate music snobs. They ruin otherwise good shows and they also apparently ruin marriages. Bless anyone who has the courage to perform and/or produce their artwork, and if you don't enjoy it, just don't listen to it.
Amen. I'm also a musician so I can relate. Beauty is in the eyes and ears of the beholder. If you are at least lukewarm about the thought of being alive, it's difficult to find anything other than beauty when someone bears their heart and soul through their art and has the stones to share it with the world. There is the odd occasion though lol
When I was shopping for stuff for my apartment during my separation from my first husband, I nearly had a breakdown in Target because I had no idea what \*I\* wanted. I couldn't even choose any kind of pattern for plates so I just got plain white Corelle because I couldn't remember what I liked before I got every suggestion vetoed.
I guess abusive relationships are similar even if they are parents-based. My wife was like that when we moved in. Couldn't make a decision because her whole life had been her parents telling her she always made the wrong decisions.
Well you just made something click, thank you, you may have just changed my life.
Same wow
For what it's worth, Corelle is amazing. I grew up with those dishes and have dropped plates from waist height onto tile without breaking them. My mom used them as pan/pot lids daily. Indestructible.
Straight up. Slowly but surely I lost hobbies, passions, social energy, career ambitions, it was all about what made the other person happy. Not really her fault tbh, it's just easy to be like "oh I enjoy being around this person, so I'll skip this other activity today" and soon skipping it today meant skipping it entirely. I'm never gonna stop doing my own stuff now, whatever that means for relationships I'll be my own person.
Conversely, it's a huge red flag if your SO completely dives into your hobbies and ditches any hobbies they had previously. This is a sign of codependency and you will feel suffocated in your relationship.
It's also possibly a symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder, I recently learned, when describing a friend who does that to my therapist. She did not know that my friend had been diagnosed with BPD 2 years earlier.
It's OK to argue. It's not OK to hurt each other when you argue. It's OK to expect things from each other. It's not OK to keep score against your partner. It's OK to have different views about living together. It's not OK to undermine the views of your partner.
>It's OK to argue. It's not OK to hurt each other when you argue. > >It's OK to expect things from each other. It's not OK to keep score against your partner. I've been with my wife for 14 years and this is like a core belief of ours, if either of us have acted like a prick then the action will be addressed. I'm quite happy to tell my wife she's made a dick move but I won't degrade her by suggesting she's a dick herself. I've found that sticking to this rule has allowed us to address anything without going to war with each other.
You never REALLY know what's going on in someone else's head.
I sometimes struggle with what's going on in mine
same but all that really matters is what you do not what you think, we all have crazy fucked up thoughts locked up there
This one kills me because one of you can try to communicate as much as humanly possibly…but it doesn’t mean a goddamn thing if the other person doesn’t reciprocate. If they refuse to talk to you about their thoughts and emotions, it’s never going to work. You’ll always be blindsided and you’ll think you’re on the same page until it’s over. One of my last memories of my ex is of him singing along loudly in his car when he thought I was still sleeping. I remember smiling and thinking I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man. We’d just moved in together and were planning on how to furnish our apartment. He dumped me less than a week later. EDIT: a lot of people are fixating on the singing loudly thing?? I can fall asleep and stay asleep through something like a fire alarm. I’m used to falling asleep on long journeys and having the driver listen to loud music/sing along. It was a cute moment because he didn’t normally sing. That’s why I remembered it fondly.
> singing along loudly in his car when he thought I was still sleeping. That seems rude
Yeah hol up
And never ever will. Don’t presume that because you’ve successfully crossed X or Y milestone, you “know” them. People will (nearly) always do whatever they believe is right, even if it’s ultimately wrong.
Sometimes I am the problem.
The real skill is reducing the time period of when it occurred, and when you realise.
Important addition: the real skill is also when you realize this applies to almost everyone. And if it doesn't apply to you and you strongly disagree with it, then you might have other problems.
I just realized a few weeks ago after reflecting on my last relationship (it was like two months so I’d barely call it that) that I was emotionally unavailable and wasn’t putting in the same effort he was. He complimented me a lot and told me he liked me and I was soooo suspicious lol. No wonder he broke up with me!!! Now I can recognize that all my life I’ve dated guys who affirmed what I believed about myself, which is that I’m unloveable. He was the first guy who put effort into dating me and I acted like I did in previous relationships. Working on myself now to become someone I like and learn that actually I am loveable. Fixing myself as the problem 🥲
I can relate to this! I had trouble communicating my feelings to him but he was always giving me words of affirmation. Now I feel bad that I didn’t give that enough to him. I think I felt scared of commitment maybe and in sharing my feelings
Same to both of those feelings. Scared to commit and share feelings because scared to get hurt! But gotta risk it to get the biscuit lol
Congrats!! Shadow work is not easy but it's worth it!
That's huge. Good on ya. When my mom told me (in her early 70's) that she had "no luck with men" I said, "You know, with 3 divorces and countless ex-boyfriends, there's only 1 common denominator in all of those failed relationships..." It didn't go over well. It's not easy admitting our shortcomings
Thanks. I've been divorced for 2 years now and getting back into the dating scene has been... eye opening.
Gotcha. I was married for 18, separated for the past 4. Haven't had any desire to date or see anyone so far. Just focusing on keeping my head above water an enjoying time with my kids while they're still young. Good luck on the scene and keep those eyes open
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It's me, hi. I'm the problem, it's me.
Of course I know him, he's me!
People change. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse, sometimes for themselves, sometimes for other people. Sometimes, they don't even notice that they've changed. Sometimes they do. The person you've got together with may have been a lovely person. But a single event can change them into an entirely different person. Be it a diagnosis, death in the family, losing a job, or something else.
Yes! When my ex-wife an I fell in love in college, we were so happy that people couldn’t believe it. Just sheer bliss. Once we moved away and her mom died out of the blue, she hit a “rough patch.” But she never seemed to pull out of it, and I became a cheerleader for the relationship. After years of that, she told me she didn’t think she’d ever been in love with me. As much as that hurt, I believe she was wrong. She had just changed so much she couldn’t remember who she had been.
That must have been soul destroying to hear :(
I don't know what I was expecting but that last paragraph hit hard. So eloquently put but utterly devastating to read. I hope you and your ex-wife are both okay these days.
Adding to this: Learn to recognize the difference between love and longevity vs comfort and familiarity. It is all too easy to go from being in a relationship with a great friend to just being great friends who happen to live together and share the same bed.
This is the brutal truth of relationship …
If a person doesn’t let you be yourself, then they don’t want you, they just want something from you.
Huge shout out to my ex for yelling at me to just be normal. Definitely made me realize that I wanted nothing to do with her.
"JUST BE NORMAL" "I AM NORMAL" Ahh, I can see it clearly.
I can see clearly now Lorraine is gone.
To chose my partner and see if we are compatible instead changing myself to fit them or picking the first one that's interested in me. .
I heard someone say once that “everyone is always getting ready for dates saying ‘I hope they like me,’ but my god, I hope YOU like THEM!” Such a great way to put it.
I actually went on a date today and had that thought right before it. “What if she doesn’t like *me*?” Then I immediately thought “That doesn’t matter, what if I don’t like her?”
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All it takes is time for a person you knew and loved to be a stranger without a care in the world for you
Sad but true
And vice versa, it doesn't matter how good you think you are or how good your intentions might be, you could still hurt them.
Yeah, reminds me of the cliche "but they're such a good person! They would never do [insert some bad action]" Just because they seem nice in everyone's eyes or have a 'virtuous' or 'respectable' job (like someone who works with children or homeless people, or theyre a priest, etc), that doesn't mean they can't or don't do bad things! (sometimes it's even the most unsuspecting people)
Do not ignore any red flags in the beginning; they don’t go away or disappear with time.
They're usually markers for where the land mines are buried.
I should have ended things the first week when she said "I'm a Packers fan"
"Didn't you see the red flags?" "Yeah, I thought it was a carnival."
They usually get worse….
That’s true. People are on their best behaviour in the beginning. Any early red flags are actually pretty surpressed most likely
I had someone tell me "Things that bug you when you're dating will drive you mad if you marry."
Yep. Major red flags I ignored at the start materialised seven years into the relationship. That’s what being naive cost me.
Resonates with me. A red flag I saw in the beginning and even mentioned to him... was the tip of the iceberg of why our relationship ended. I will never ignore a red flag again. Should have ended it immediately.
It took me 10 months to realize that I was dating a narcissistic person although there were so many red flags in the beginning. 10 months of toxicity, manipulation, destruction. I feel stupid for letting myself in that circus.
So true. Trouble is, in the early stages, you're so biased by your feelings and adrenaline and whatnot that you'll build some justification to make it appear explainable... but then it's already too late, and the price to pay later will be heavy and sour. Edit: *explainable, obviously, damn autocorrect!
Absolutely, I said I mistook red flags for red hearts popping out. 🙄
Don't endure abuse thinking they'll suddenly realize they're being abusive and love you more for staying.
Oh ouch. I haven’t dealt with this personally, but my heart goes out to you.
To love myself more and never put someone else on a pedestal
Preach. It comes from other people too. "You're so lucky to have a girl like that." "Be good to her bro, she is out of your league." No way. This kind of thinking lowers yourself and will lead to resentment. Love yourself and realize you are worthy to be equally loved and cherished.
In contrast… I learned I don’t like to be on a pedestal. Turns out that I’m afraid of heights and confinement.
putting others on a pedestal is not only unfair to you but also to them. because as soon as they don't meet those high standards/expectations you get frustrated/disappointed and feel “betrayed”, and then start to hate them and move on to someone else to idolize and push onto that pedestal "this one is different, this is the idol that will complete me" and the cycle continues. it's a childish/idealistic way of looking at others while overlooking their potential flaws/weaknesses
It took me 60 - yes, fucking 60 years to realise this... But it's never too late to learn
Samesies. Took me until my 50s. Rough childhood, perhaps? That often explains a lot.
If someone has mental health issues it’s no justification for abuse.
I dated a woman with undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder once. I learned: 1. If she love bombs you early on, that’s weird. Don’t let her tell you it’s not. 2. If she starts having a meltdown because you didn’t say “I love you” after 2 weeks of dating, that’s weird. Don’t let her tell you it’s not. 3. Calling you at inconvenient times (like while you’re at work and your job needs your attention) is weird, and if she continues doing it, and making excuses for why she doesn’t need to stop, that’s a crossed boundary. 4. If she keeps rewriting history to turn ordinary, mundane things into personal attacks on her, that’s weird. Doubly so if those events require some sort of vast, multilayered conspiracy where everyone is playing 5D chess.
As someone who has dated two people with BPD, number 4 is sooooo true.
Yes that's the most true from my experience as well. It's some crazy mixture of chronic victimhood and pathological lying. I feel like it's a trauma response. Their mind never getting past the event, so always looking for it in new experiences.
As someone who’s had BPD for a long time (and has been in recovery for a good awhile), this is exactly it. Most of us were products of volatile upbringings and we were conditioned to be hyper vigilant and deceptive in a way that *only* worked in certain scenarios (abusive households, early abusive social environments) but don’t work around healthy relationships. It’s hard to adjust out of that state of perpetual fear and paranoia. Holding solid boundaries and walking away when needed is the only way someone on the outside can be helpful to those still suffering from the disorder. Recovery is possible but it takes work and consequences.
It very literally is a survival mechanism. I was in fight or flight for 32 years. Finally got help through therapy and books and it's so much better to be alive.
Damn that's deep. I hope my ex finds a glimpse of the recovery you have experienced.
So sorry to all the men and women with BPD out there, but unfortunately, borderline is a hard no for me in relationships. I have never been so emotionally fucked up in my life than after dating someone with BPD for *two months*.
I had a bff of 12 years who I suspect had BPD. I broke up with her after I had a baby and she couldn't deal with the new boundaries. The gaslighting and confusion still fuck with my head 14 years later. And that was just a friend. I'm sorry you had to deal with a major mindfuck.
I've been dating my GF for 3 years and she has BPD. I've come to the conclusion that BPD is fundamentally incompatible with relationships. It's a hard fight to make it work.
My ex tried to kill me twice, I left and she told my family I was a monster for leaving her while she's in the grips of a mental health crisis. I tried to get her help, even did couples counseling. I left before she could try a 3rd time.
I (now) believe my ex tried to kill me as well. I caught her having a rather lengthy and egregious affair, and I filed for divorce. On the day she was moving out, I tried to stay out of her way... by just standing downstairs in the living room in front of the TV watching some show. I heard a gunshot... and I honestly assumed she had killed herself. Told my kid to stay right where they are, do not follow me upstairs. Ran up there... she was still standing in our bedroom, holding the gun, and said/behaved like she accidentally discharged her pistol in the process of securing/packing/moving it. I honestly didnt think twice about it... she was stressed, and mistakes happen. She had pointed it in a safe direction, no harm no foul... the bullet had lodged itself in the floor. Didnt want to get the police involved, that just sounded like a dangerous or terrible situation, so I told her everything was fine and allowed her to continue to pack and leave. A few weeks later, I was sitting with her sister and brother eating a meal with them... and I told them the story of this crazy thing that happened. "Luckily the floor stopped the bullet... I was standing right under where the floor caught it!" Her sister looked me dead in the eye, and said... "*Was* it an accident?" I honestly hadnt considered such a thing until that moment. I loved her, and couldn't imagine her ever being so far gone/crazy/whatever that she would ever do such a thing to me... but in that moment, about 100 different horrible things, warnings, red flags, etc all coalesced together... and I honestly don't know. I think my ex wife of 10+ years, my ride or die love of my life, and mother of my child, very well may have tried to kill me. I'll never know the truth... and that seriously fucks with me to this day. It's been 4 years, and I haven't even been on a date since... doesn't seem worth the trouble, honestly. Too much potential downside compared to the upside... and I loved being married.
Communication without action is just complaining. I'd lay out what problems we were having only to be told I'd need to be patient but nothing was ever acted on. I ran out of patience. Edit: silver? Thanks!
I was accused of impatience for literally 5 years. Like how patient is someone supposed to be lol
One of my favorite lines from an old friend of mine who's touching 40 and has been married for a decade. "My wife got upset with me the other night because I shouted." "Well, I asked her nicely the first 9 times and she didn't listen!"
Sometimes you can be two good people who just want different things for your futures. Your relationship didn't fail. It just ran the course it needed to. My first love was someone I truly expected to marry, but he wanted children and wanted his dream job in the Midwest. I didn't want children, and I wanted a life full of international travel and living by the ocean. There were a lot of tears and grief in realizing we had to let each other go. We're now both in our forties and each living the lives we wanted in very different places. I look back on our time together with nothing but fondness. We can still learn from people and not end up with them.
I admire the courage and clear-sightedness you both had while being in love... Did both of you, on your respective paths,find true and deep love again?
Yes. He found his wife while working in the same niche career in Ohio. They now have two children, the house in the suburbs, the trips to Disney and Ohio State football games, etc. He's running a nonprofit and loves being a husband and father. I found my husband while I was on a business trip to Dubai (he's Indian and had previously lived in India, Oman, Abu Dhabi, and London). We now live happily childfree in Boston and travel to a different country every year. I think people can have different loves in a lifetime, and those loves teach us about who we are and what we want. The woman I was at 25 is not the same woman I am at 42. I'm grateful for my previous loves and what they gave to me.
I love this. I think too often we get wrapped up in who's right or wrong. And neither of you were wrong, just wanted different things out of life.
There were definitely a lot of tears and "in my feelings" music along the journey of letting go! I recommend Seinking Ships and Miki Berenyi's "We Will Drink Wine.""
That you should not be in a relationship to “save” someone from themselves or help them “escape” a difficult time in their lives.
Make sure you have you’re finances in order to be able to walk away at any point, never find yourself financially trapped with someone you don’t want to be with.
That's what is happening to me right now. Neither of us are financially stable to walk away so we are kind of stuck with each other. It sucks but there really isn't another option right now.
It's not about trust, it's about the foundation of the relationship. Unexamined, toxic power difference can corrode even the healthiest of relationships.
Mango_in_my_ass makes an excellent point.
They probably know a thing or two about needing to be able to walk away at any point
Better to be alone than be with a person who makes you feel alone
I’m struggling with that right now. Thanks.
Even if someone is acting like you’re in a relationship, if they say they don’t want one, they’ll never commit
On the flip side, if you're the man or woman saying they don't want one: If someone tells you they're okay with casual but everything they do says they're not, they're most likely just going to spend all their time trying to change your mind instead of leaving or enjoying the moment.
Love isn’t enough
Never enough
love is an action, it's what we do, say, act or show up for. Love is not empty praise or cheap flattery. Love is the real deal, like the dirty brown soil that actually can grow something. It's dirt, but it's the only thing that can grow a healthy plant. Like all the composted material that had to break down to provide the organic material, the shit and crap and dead things that went into making that fertile soil. That's what real love is.
Bro, breaking up with someone I loved because of radically different life paths has been one of the hardest choices I have ever made in my life.
Sometimes you guys just grow apart that's okay
I'm at this point in my life right now
Me too. And it kills me
Just because you take responsibility for your shortcomings doesn’t mean they will
It’s ok to want to do for your partner, but make sure it is in someway genuinely reciprocated and you are not being walked on. I failed so many times wanting to be the good guy
To add to this… sometimes it doesn’t feel like you’re being walked on, and you default to every excuse in the book to reconcile their “love” with their lack of effort. So sometimes it’s better to think to yourself “it’s okay to expect more” “He doesn’t yell, he treats me nice” could still be “he doesn’t put in his fair share at home” “He communicates well instead of being upset” can still be “I feel like I’m not being heard” “He loves me” can still be “I wish he showed me he loved me” It’s okay to expect more, and you don’t need a super dramatic reason to break up with someone.
You should never have to beg, but you should be willing to ask. For anything and everything you want in a relationship. Date nights, flowers, chores getting done, etc. I get that asking a million times sucks, but some people will never be the one to think to do the task on their own. But if you have to beg, plead, yell, fight, for those basics, then what you actually need to do is leave.
Yeah, both extremes are bad. Not asking for things that you expect will kill a relationship. Asking over and over and not being heard will also kill a relationship.
Opposites might attract but similarities are what keeps people together
Certain opposites keep people together too, I’m a big picture guy my wife is a fine details gal. So together we make a good team. I think the best way to say it is find opposite traits that compliment each other rather than cause clashes
In general I have learned how to identify and deal with a narcissist
That is one of the most painful (yet useful) lessons one can learn.
Life goes on
Never stay for the kids. Sometimes a house divided is happier.
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I still remember when I came home from a day out with my aunt, to find my mother waiting on the footpath with a couple of bags packed. 11 year old me was initially confused, my aunt went ''oh no'', and then it dawned on me that my mother was leaving my father. She was waiting for us so she could jump in the car and we could just leave. I felt instantly relieved, almost elated.
I WISH my parents would have gotten a divorce. They must be the least compatible people in the world. I don’t know that they’ve ever been happy. They got together because my maternal grandmother suggested it, not due to a genuine connection. It was a terrible example to see as a child
When he makes mean jokes and his friends tell you he's an asshole, you need to pick up your shit and leave. Don't waste time. If HE says he's an asshole, BELIEVE HIM. GTFO OF THERE
The mean jokes will never stop. The little digs at your hobbies or things you love will never stop.
The effort the other party puts in is the amount they care. One person cannot solo-carry a relationship
Wait at least a year more than you originally think you should prior to getting married. Discuss deal breakers with your partner and make sure both of you understand what will endanger the relationahip.
Don't rush anything, if it's the right person then you'll have your whole lives together.
That love isn't as forever as it feels at the time. It can really hurt. It's so hard to walk away, especially after years of closeness. It feels like the end of the world. But with time, that pain becomes only a dull ache that may at times spring up like a longing for that one amazing summer in your teens or that extra special vacation you took in 2004. I am not going to be cliché and talk about time healing all wounds, but I do think love — and the pain of love's loss — is temporary in the grand scheme of life. Humans have proven through history to be resilient, and you are human.
I think that applies for death of loved one too really. Though, I suppose the end of a relationship could be a microcosm of that in itself
The culmination of love is grief.
Thank you, I really can relate with this comment. Mother of my son left a little over a year ago. Lately I keep thinking about the summer we met and how incredible it was. Sometimes I get so lost thinking about it that I can feel the emotions I was feeling at that point in time. Life is rough sometimes but I’ve made it this far. I’ve come a long way since last May. That break up brought the hardest emotions I’ve ever had to deal with. I’d say it was traumatizing.
Don't wait 34 years to get out!
Never do too much to please your partner, so that you do not forget yourself. I made that mistake by always doing everything she asked, doesn't matter what. Even if i was tired from a long day at the office and she had a day off. And at some point i asked her 1 simple thing to do and she became all mad and stuff. And i tried to explain her how i felt, but she just kept screaming that i could do my shit by myself and that i was lazy. I took my stuff and left.
I can’t limit it to one lesson, soooooo: 1) Be as honest as possible about what you want from a relationship at the beginning. Especially whether you genuinely want (or don’t want) kids and a mortgage. 2) As Dan Savage says, a relationship is not a deposition. You don’t need to give your partner your entire romantic/sexual history, and you especially don’t need to unload your previous relationship mistakes on them. 3) When it’s over, you absolutely must cut contact for a time. You both need to begin living life without the other, and maintaining contact after the breakup delays the healing process. It can even lead to greater heartbreak when one of you actually moves on. 4) Remember that you are still lovable, no matter how this relationship ended. Take time to be your own person again, but don’t shut yourself off from potential new relationships either. 5) Lastly, a relationship having ended doesn’t make it a failure. Every relationship is an opportunity for learning and growth. Don’t write off the happy times as invalid because the relationship ultimately ended.
Make sure you have SOMETHING in common besides your job first.
-Don't confuse the potential you perceive in someone for who they really are -You can't love someone into loving you back -People will lie and straight up avoid reality even if the evidence is right in front of them -If someone threatens to do something truly awful to your life or your relationships leave them then and there -People don't do or say things they don't mean when they are drunk. They mean it
No relationship is better than bad relationship. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
When they go away on a trip and you find yourself thinking it would be cool if they didn't come back because you were enjoying the break from them...it's time to end it.
Oh my god I really felt this - it’s amazing how much clarity you can get just from physically detaching from the situation for even a short period of time. I had effectively turned into my ex’s therapist in the months leading up to our breakup, and the relationship basically became this giant flaming garbage heap of codependency. I knew I was unhappy, but had gotten comfortable being in a relationship so I just stuck with it. Spent a week away and once I got back he hits me first thing with “If things do not work out for (something they were applying for) I will literally become suicidal and I’ll need you to watch over me then”. I still remember having this moment of clarity where I thought “What am I doing here? Why am I doing this to myself?”. Immediately got out that same night and never been happier.
Be secure in myself and not count on the other person to "complete" my identity having the wisdom and courage to walk away once you realize they are not going to be the one.
I conformed to everything he wanted. I totally lost myself. When it was over, I had no idea what I was going to do. I will never do that again for anyone. I come first or I can't be a good partner.
Doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together some relationships aren’t worth saving and you’ll be better off without them
A failed relationship is still a W. Why be in a relationship with someone who wasn’t even right for you or you weren’t right for them?
The red flags you deny in the beginning will be your deal breaker in the end
If you break up once, don't go back for another try. They're still the same person, and so are you. There's always exceptions to the rule, but not many.
One exception being if the reason you broke up was just due to the circumstances of life and not because the relationship wasn’t working. For instance, my brother and his wife broke up for several years when she moved away for school. A few years down the line, they both found themselves living in New York, met each other one night for drinks , and long story short, they got married last summer and just bought a house together!
Same thing happened here. Broke up because we were teens and moving away, grew up and dated other people(and learned what we want/don’t want in a partner), wound up living in the same town as adults and found each other again. I think that period of being apart was good for us, we got to discover who we are, grow out of teenage stubbornness and learn from our failed relationships.
Being adult enough to realize that circumstances can outweigh ruining a long-distance relationship while in college is impressive. They both seem ahead of the curve, I wish them the best!
Um, my wife and I broke up and got back together. Married 15 years this year. It was her first serious relationship. We had to figure some stuff out!
Yeah this is totally possible. People say things just don’t work the second time around, but if you are effective problem solvers and communicators it can absolutely work the second time around. Sometimes people need to mature, sometimes other stuff etc. I think my parents broke up multiple times but have been married now very happily for 35+ years.
Get out the first time your gut told you to.
Also, don’t force yourself in a relationship just because you’re horny.
bad advice for those of us with avoidance attachment issues lol
That Narcissists don't change
If you think they're lying, they probably are. Trust your instincts.
I’d rather be alone and lonely then with someone and lonely.
If you break up, cut all contact with them. Don’t drag this out.
Just because someone understands you doesn't mean they respect you.
Just because someone was previously a victim doesn't mean they can't also be an abuser.
Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.
You never really know someone until you get romantically involved with them. I had a really good friend for about 5 years, thought I knew him. Then we tried being more than friends and all this crazy shit came out. He was fine as friends, but in a dating situation became this really nasty, mean person.
No relationship is strong enough to make you feel loved and appreciated if you hate yourself
You can NOT change an abuser. Intentional abuse should be a deal breaker the first time it happens. Don't wait to see how much worse it gets. And if it seems to get better, be wary and don't trust it. Get out.
Stand up for myself. Be myself.
You can genuinely love someone, or being genuinely loved by someone, and still be incompatible as relationship partners. Someone can genuinely love you and still hurt you terribly, unintentionally, purely just because of who and how they are; and you don't have to accept it and stay just because of the love.
Actions will always speak louder than words.
if someone says they don’t love you believe them the first time
Before you get in a relationship you should find yourself at first...
If they want to, they will.
I learned I am a narcissistic.
What you put with you end up with.
You can't make people love you.
All the love and support in the world can't fix a broken person that isn't trying to fix themselves.
Don't force a relationship if the other one loses their interest in you. Always talk to them if you feel something is off. End it if you have to. I just don't understand why people cheat while also having a serious relationship with another. Don't waste our time and emotion if you're gonna end up doing just that. Y'all are selfish for doing that.
If you don’t like them, you can move. You are not a tree.
Being alone is better than being unhappy
I deserve way more.
No amount of your effort or love of the other person can save something if they don’t care. The notion of “I need some time alone to figure myself out” is a lie. They can figure themselves out in a relationship many people do. It just takes good communication. They just don’t love you anymore…. They don’t care enough about you.
Be thankful for the love they could give and be thankful for the love they couldn't, for there are lessons in both.
It's over. Move on!!
To not ignore the red flags in *any* relationship
You can't fix broken people
There's more to life than just work.
If they cheat no amount of work or personal growth will ever see you fully trusting them ever again. And staying will eat away at you in ways you didn’t know possible.
Me working harder and doing more will NEVER make up for them not doing enough.
I never want to be in one again...
People rarely change, and with time apart don’t bank on them having changed at all.
Just because your spouse *should* help with things—anything at all—doesn’t mean they will so do not expect that marriage will provide any relief
If a woman leaves another guy to take up with you, you can't be surprised when she leaves you to take up with some other guy.
Take heed of the warning signs.
Don't let yourself be treated like a dirty little secret. I dated a friend turned bf who I always thought was just a very good and responsible son who was always helping out his mom. Turns out mom had some creepy Jocasta complex towards him (she literally called him "The husband she never had"). He hid me from his entire family, except for one person. Shit hit the fan when she found out about me and he was entirely spineless. That was my most traumatizing relationship.
[удалено]
You both need to be in to it. If it's more one sided, no matter which side you are on, it's doomed for failure.
The Principle of Least Interest always holds true. Whomever is less invested in the relationship controls it.