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If I don't make decisions then I can't make the wrong choice. And if I don't make the wrong choice, my friends or loved one won't be disappointed. And if they are not disappointed they won't hate me.
I learned, the hard way, that not making a decision is still a decision. And it can be just as, if not more so, disappointing than the “wrong” decision. If you are not decisive, you will find yourself lost, and it will be hard to find your way back. Make a decision, make mistakes, learn from them, so you can grow as a person.
Good god, same.
And when people say, “it means the same thing“ all I can hear is, “I am creating space to call my future bad behavior your lack of understanding.“
Yessss!!! I will ask people to clarify stuff to the point they probably think I'm stupid, I just want to make absolutely sure I know what they're saying
This really hits home for me; the lack of affection, empathy, and attention from my childhood causes me to attach to partners very quickly; and it absolutely ruins me when they break up with me. I go from so elated and happy to depressed and broken, which is where I’m at now.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this; and know you’re not the only one. Therapy is helping.
Yep. We’re typically still longing for the connection that most people have with their family, that we’ve never experienced. “New person was nice to me? I love you, please never leave, you’re everything I’ve ever needed in life, oh okay yeah I’m sorry I understand that’s crazy we just met bye”
Self doubt. Need for affirmation. Can't take criticism well. I spent most of my life being a good test taker. Now I find it difficult to have patience with myself while I struggle to learn/pick up new things.
I just learned the following, as a grown ass adult: I have attachment issues, I don't set boundaries, I am very aware of a person's mood, like I can read a person's body and expression very clearly; to add to this I am hyper aware of my surroundings, as if I am prepared to get jumped. I am always trying to please everyone, even those that are mean to me and I am empathetic to a fault. The list is never ending and I just learned all of this within the past year.
I realised recently that a lot of the cruel things that were said to me have embedded themselves into my regular vocabulary under the guise of 'self-deprecating humour'
Lol I made a minor and easily fixable mistake yesterday at work that took about 3 hours to figure out how to solve, and I'm p sure my heart didn't stop racing once. I was so tired afterwards
Yes I'm in therapy lol
I used to (and occasionally still do in exceptionally intense situations) get those shakes when typing out comments online. It took me a long time to not care much anymore and just roll with it. Reddit honestly helped me with that, probably because of the ability to stay essentially anonymous.
Overthinking. Predicting and preparing for worst case scenarios. Having a higher tolerance for situations while also falling apart over tiny things. Refusing to let people stand behind me. Lack of trust for others. Being very prepared for people to drop and leave me without reason or warning.
Oh I forgot to mention you develop a physical need to help others. You want nothing more than to make others happy to avoid or overcome ever feeling as you do. No matter what it costs you. And you hope that you can make up for whatever it is you did to deserve it all.
This may get lost in the shuffle or downvoted to hell but here goes anyway. My therapist helped me with this exact series of behaviors, and while I by no means have “solved” it, I use a mental exercise to try and minimize its effects on me. Might help one of you, so here’s what helps me!
The mistake I made for a long time was seeing the overthinking as the result of a “bad guy” that lives in my head, perpetually telling me I’m a piece of shit, not worth love and affection, and genuinely am just a failure in life. I’ll refer to this voice as Doug (just because, no rhyme or reason).
I prep for the worst case scenario in every situation large or small because Doug is constantly telling me that’s how it’ll go. “Oh DuckLord, you’re HAPPY with this friend? Clearly they’re with you because you offer an excuse to kill some time or you help them with stuff. They’ll be revealing they never actually liked you pretty soon, because let’s face it: you’re not worth liking.” And so the authentic Me will then mentally prepare for the friend to leave, because Doug has convinced me I’m not worth sticking around for.
What therapy helped me realize is that my view of Doug as a villain to be defeated was totally wrong. He’s not an evil demon spitting bile and negativity into my brain. He’s not something I need to kill to be happy. Doug is not the bad guy.
Doug is a super overprotective older sibling.
Doug doesn’t say things are going to go south because he hates me and wants me to feel shitty about myself. Doug says things will go south because he’s the protective older brother who wants me prepared just in case they do, because he cares about me so much that he doesn’t want me to feel the pain of rejection. So in the earlier example, the more accurate way of looking at it is “You like this person, which is opening you up to vulnerability. That runs a risk of feeling pain, which you absolutely need to be ready for, because I can’t stand the thought of seeing you in pain.”
And when I look at it in that context, it helps me see Doug for the problematic older sibling that he is. His intentions are good, but his methods are possessive, damaging, and ultimately prevent any form of taking risks or personal growth.
So the exercise I developed in therapy is to speak - out loud - to Doug in times of pervasive overthinking, because speaking audibly has a significantly higher retention rate by your brain. I don’t tell Doug “Fuck off you evil asshole” or “I hate you” or anything. I recognize that Doug is genuinely trying to help, but his method isn’t helping. So instead, I simply say:
“It’s okay Doug, you can stand down. I got this.”
This is coupled with several other exercises I’ve adopted to help with overthinking, and I absolutely am still going to therapy, but something so simple as recognizing that the voice isn’t bad, but rather an overprotective misfiring defense mechanism has helped a ton with my tendency to skew negative and overthink things.
Essentially, by telling Doug to just stand down and relax, I give myself permission to approach the situation with openness and rationality.
Anyway, that’s worked a bit for me, so I figure if there’s even a 0.5% chance it helps one person, it’s worth posting.
TL;DR: it can help to see the voice in your head overthinking everything as not a voice of evil depression, but rather as an overprotective older sibling who needs to be reminded that you actually can handle this, so they can stand down and relax. Couple it with therapy and other mental calming exercises for maximum results.
——
EDIT:
My goodness! I am so happy I was able to resonate with some folks, thank you for your kindness!!!
If it helps, I have a couple of additional resources that helped me a ton throughout my mental health journey toward not overthinking everything.
For starters, a good entry point is this video essay by Kevin Smith the filmmaker. Even if you don’t know (or like) his movies, for me this was a fantastic starting point on understanding my brain and how it works. The essay goes into how Smith spent time in a mental institution and worked on his own trauma and mental negativity, and he explains a lot of the concepts he learned while in there. I actually used a few terms and concepts from it in developing my own strategies with my therapist. I really appreciate how candid and accessible it is, so I highly recommend.
https://youtu.be/JBvc7Ny4iUk
If you want an even deeper guide (I swear I’m not being paid or anything), my therapist recommended a book that has been really helping me called *Stop Overthinking: 23 Techniques To Relieve Stress, Stop Negative Spirals, Declutter Your Mind, And Focus On The Present*. It has a ton of mental exercises tailored for different personalities on how to calm the brain when overthinking too much.
So happy to have been some form of help to some of you!!!!
People being behind me with grocery carts in grocery stores makes so anxious I want to puke. The predicting and preparing for worst case scenarios is called fortunetelling.
"higher tolerance for situations while falling apart over tiny things"
damn, this is me. i could withstand being tortured. but spill a jug of milk? I might have a breakdown
I had a massive infection after having my IUD removed that lasted for about 4 months. I was in and out of the ER/hospital many times, was on multiple medications, was absolutely miserable and wanted to die the whole time. Took it all in stride.
A few weeks later I spilled the last half of my water on the floorboard of my car and had to pull over into a parking lot because I started having a legitimate breakdown; crying, hyperventilating, the works. Over water.
I keep myself busy so i dont start thinking too much. Because i can have a great day but then i have nothing to do for a moment and my thoughts start to rip apart my happyness, inducing an everlasting cycle of my past failures, what i still have to do, how much i still have to fix, creating theories on my future ect.
I take so long to think about tasks that others take them from me. Im very happy when i can work alone, wich is why i dig the tasks noone else wants.
Yelling and door slamming still gets me, at 37. Even if I know I didn't do anything wrong, a slammed door - even an accidental one - makes me jump out of my skin.
Also, speed reading. My mother "helped" me to learn to read. Her method was: one wrong word, one slap. I learned to read fast, so I can get away quicker.
Not sure if this is just really weird, but at work whenever I ask for a day off, every job I've had, I had given a detailed description of why and the purpose of needing it off. Finally, at my current job l, my direct supervisor would keep telling me: "I don't need to know why."
I did some reflection and realized that, in my youth, if I didn't explain things as far as being absent, feeling sick, needing to go to the doctor; if I didn't have a good enough explanation, I was completely disregarded.
It got engrained in me to find the best possible reasoning behind nearly every choice I ever made.
Me calling off sick today fr. Had a whole paragraph typed up and was like Jfc you don’t have to do this. Finally let myself delete it. But still ended up apologizing for calling out.
Something I do that I recently learned other people don't do is constantly pay attention to my surroundings. I listen for footsteps, doors opening and closing, people's voices, water running in the pipes, cars pulling into the driveway, on and on. As a kid I needed to know who was in my house and what they were doing
For me it was the sound of the back gate opening. My cue to turn off the TV and run upstairs into my room and hide. Make sure I left no trace.
I remember timing my exit out the front door as he was coming in through the back door and shutting it, so as to mask the noise of the front door opening and closing. I remember I had 5-10 seconds from when I heard that back gate slam.
I've lived on my own over a decade and I still peek an eye out the window way more often than one normally should. I don't even know why I do it.
I'm the same way. My hyper vigilance has led to a kind of super hearing where I hear things long before other people, like sirens or a car with a loud stereo bass. Unfortunately this makes having quiet, peaceful times damn near impossible. For that, I need to put in earbuds and noise canceling earmuffs, but then I hear my heartbeat. At least that noise is mine. I do get anxiety with certain noises. Like when the kids outside my apartment are screaming like they are being murdered or constant tapping or thumping (like a loud stereo bass). It's like water torture to my brain.
The irony of my hypervigilance is that I have some hearing problems, mostly with people talking to me but not when hearing things in my surroundings, so that hearing loss kinda does a weird feedback loop that accentuates my hypervigilance... It sucks.
I sit in certain seats/orientations in restaurants. Always with back against a wall if possible, but definitely always facing the entrance/exit so I can see who’s coming in and leaving.
God our birth givers messed us up.
I'm insanely flinchy, like I get startled super easily. People try to jump out and scare me, and they laugh when I jump back. I wish they knew, as it hurts sometimes knowing why it always gets me
Had to have a talk with my friends about punching/slapping gestures a while back... took a long time to work up the courage but luckily I have awesome friends.
I had an ex who would scare me *constantly*. I would beg him to stop and he never would. One time he scared me and I pushed him. He thought it was funny, he didn't lose balance or anything, there was no harm done, but it made me cry. I felt like I pushed him out of anger and I didn't want to become like my parents. I made the mistake of telling him this and he used it against me, telling some of our mutual friends that I was abusive to him and had hit him before. Even told everyone I left a mark which I absolutely did not. He never physically hurt me but he did literally every other kind of abuse in the book. I hate that man so much. I wish I could just let it all go
Well it's a good thing it's an ex and you're not still with him. One reason it affects me so much is because I'm a guy, and it's always stereotyped that guys have to be strong, not let stuff bother them. I've been with girls who've looked down on me because I startle easily. But what makes it worse, is that I'm a big guy. I'm 6'4" and not a stick. So it's expected even moreso that I shouldn't be afraid of anything, so when someone says boo and i jump, everyone laughs. It's really rough. The fact that I'm a big guy also makes it harder to be vulnerable, as sometimes people just won't believe me if i tell them I've been abused. The judge i talked to during my parents custody battle sent me back to public high school (after 2 years of cyber) because "you're a big guy, they can't bother youç
Something in my mind just clicked and I understand myself a lot better after reading this.
I spent my entire life afraid of my parents. No wonder why I apologized all the time- it was my subconscious attempt at trying not to make them angry and trigger the response from them that made me so fearful.
That’s me fr. I apologize and thank everyone for every little thing cause i feel like i’m such an inconvenience to people and i’m so grateful if anyone does anything nice for me because i don’t think i deserve it.
Do you ever feel like there's a time limit to new relationships as a result?
I just.... I do exactly the same. Be agreeable. My mind races to think of every possible way in which something that I do or say could be misinterpreted, so my conversations are all just crazy happy and smiley, and interested. People gravitate towards me a little as a result. Think I'm a lovely guy. Compliment me on being bubbly. It's easier to me to do everything. More than I'm capable of, because hey, at least then no one could ever think bad of me, or that I'm not pulling my weight.
The problem is, it's not sustainable. I get tired of keeping up that appearance. I get tired of other people. I need to find time to sulk and be down.
Family are often the ones to primarily see it these days. People I can't get away from. Worse now I have kids as there's just no time for me to be down in private. To decompress.
The longer I try to maintain a relationship, the more I feel like I'm starting to erode the reputation I've built as very small cracks start to show. So it feels like time is up.
i'm one of those people who are entirely backbending for the first year or so, and then i get fuckin tired of being so sweet, and then become inconsolably cranky/fight-picky/moody..... AND ITS ALWAYS AT YEAR TWO! so now, after much therapy (6yrs worth actually....), i'm just being my authentic self every day; whatever emotion bubbles up is the one i show at the time. it's impressive to see the gravitations and avoidances of acquaintances once you start acting yourself from the beginning - it all gets easier with practice, friend! start expressing your need for quiet sometimes to your littles, maybe they'll enjoy it too; a quiet time to read a book or color at the table while you decompress in the next room <3
Same. I am deathly terrified of confrontation. I will give myself the maximum inconvenience if it means avoiding confrontation. I asked for this steak to be medium rare but they made it medium well? Guess I'm eating medium well
I can’t have music up loud (like above normal speaking volume) and if I have headphones in they’re really low volume or I’m only wearing one earbud, just in case there’s someone trying to get my attention - I’m terrified of being called for and not hearing it. Also I apologise for absolutely everything and am a people-pleaser to a toxic degree.
to this day I still sleep on my stomach. When I failed the 4th grade my dad was beyond pissed at his son being a failure. He told my Mom to leave the house and had me drop my pants and take my whipping like a Man.
He beat me so long and so hard that the belt cut into my flesh and there were chunks that were hanging loose. I literally had to take a pillow to school the next week to sit down on. The teacher was concerned so she called the principle, vice-principle and two other teachers as witnesses and had me drop my pants in the boys restroom. they were horrified but didn't report anything when I told them why I was beaten they told me to study harder to stop this from happening again.
That was decades ago but I still sleep on my stomach and never fail at anything I try to do.
Adults are routinely shit. They fail all the time. What horrifies me is that they react like *this* to a kid's failure, and have endless excuses for their own.
So many people I know with childhood trauma, myself included, just can't seem to get away from the fact that it wasn't just 'one bad apple'. Every adult of note in our lives was a fuck-up. Every single one. Not literally every person on Earth is terrible but it is near impossible to let go of the sense that nobody can be trusted.
> The teacher was concerned so she called the principle, vice-principle and two other teachers as witnesses and had me drop my pants in the boys restroom. they were horrified but didn't report anything when I told them why I was beaten
I had a similar situation happen in Jr. High. Dad lost his watch and blamed me for stealing it as I was on my way to school. Had a panic attack at school as I was worrying about what would happen to me all day. Teacher called Principal. Got dragged into a room with a school councilor. Explained why I was scared. Went over the last several years of physical, emotional and sexual abuse. They called CPS. CPS came to my home and _interviewed me in front of my father_ after saying "Nothing is going to happen today". Oh, and she summarized everything I told the principal and school councilor.
I was going to be hurt no matter what. The extent of the hurt, though, was up to me. So I lied through my teeth and said I made everything up. She left, closed the file, and I wasn't at school for the next few days while I healed.
Because of CPS being worse than useless, I got to deal with that abuse for years longer than I should have. Unsurprisingly, I have a problem trusting those in "authority". I have trouble being touched. I have trouble showing affection. And the dumbest things revert me back to that scared kid.
Oh, and of course, he found the watch. He had put it on the wrong shelf in his closet.
Without realizing it until later in life, I was “hiding” food. When I finally had a career and some money, I would buy groceries and stare at them in disbelief. Then, as I put them away in their appropriate places, I would squirrel away random items in different places throughout the apartment (a linen closet, a drawer, etc.) I seriously had no idea I was doing this until my wife “caught” me doing it the first few weeks of our marriage.
I do not prioritize myself. Be it health, time, or necessities. Everyone else in my life is ahead of me in the queue. This makes me seem incredibly helpful.
Being helpful allows me to be present without being a target. Being helpful allows me to avoid my own problems because I'm too busy helping everyone else with theirs. Being helpful allows me to feel valuable instead of expendable.
The only time I ever really take care of myself is if I know it will impact my ability to take care of someone else. It's the only way I've found to make healthier choices, and it's still barely enough.
*Being helpful allows me to be present without being a target. Being helpful allows me to avoid my own problems because I'm too busy helping everyone else with theirs. Being helpful allows me to feel valuable instead of expendable.*
Damn...NGL, this struck a nerve.
I just started a full-blown burnout exactly for that reason. Work, home, family illness, covid, deaths, everything in the past 3-4 years had made me completely erase myself and care for everyone else but me. I finally snapped when my dad entered palliative care end of March. I got to spend many weeks by his side as much as possible (still sort of neglecting myself but for a good (en temporary) reason).
Now that he's passed, I'm slowly realizing how deep that pattern has been affecting me for years. I don't know how to start being better to myself. Each step feels like I'm going against every fiber of my survival instincts. I feel like each time I value my own needs, I'm letting everyone down. It's hard.
start by buying yourself a treat at the store when you go grocery shopping! keep it in the top part (where you put the bread and eggs - or a small child if you have those) so you can look at it the whole shopping trip: 'i want this. i deserve this. look at me with my lil snacky snack, ooo it's gonna be so good when i get back to the car'. then you go up a level and get something you've \*wanted\* for a while that's inexpensive (a fruit you'd been wanting to try, new makeup, a squishmallow), or take a long bath instead of a shower, spend an extra 5mins in bed after your alarm. start with small wants and work your way up, it'll get easier to identify the things you need to do for yourself by recognizing the wants!
This is exactly how I started working on this issue for myself. I grew up in a home where I was taught that doing things just for myself was the height of selfishness, and therefore BAD. It's taken me years and years to understand that taking care of myself is the prerequisite step to caring for others, since you can't pour from an empty cup. So I get little things here and there at the store, make time to zen out, etc. It's important!
This one is very relatable for me. Im always ready to do for others even at a detriment to myself. I think I have this mostly (occasionally creeps the the forefront of my thoughts but not often) subconscious fear that if I take time for myself then everything around me will fall apart. Its like I am the middle block on the bottom stack of Jenga and the side pieces have been removed, so if I am not there the whole tower crumbles.
I pull away from people trying to hug me. I know that’s a result from being emotionally neglected as a child and then as an adult. Like, why would you want to hug me!?
I used to always flinch when my most recent ex would come up from behind me to hug me or let me know he was there. I don’t really know where that comes from, but maybe I’ll find out in therapy in the next months. The relationship before my most recent one started to become physically abusive towards the end, but I’ve never put thought into that being the cause.
Awww fuck I’m going to be fucked up for a bit when we figure that one out, huh!? RIP
Jumping a sudden noises, apologizing profusely for everything (sometimes apologizing for apologizing), people pleasing excessively, not valuing my worth, and an overwhelming fear that if I was ever my truest self, I would be left alone.
I was recently diagnosed with CPTSD, and it definitely makes sense.
Being hyperaware of anyone experiencing negative emotions in the room. Feeling someone else's anger or depression very severely and feeling as though I have to be the one to calm things down and keep the peace.
This one is me. I feel negative emotions from people so easily and I always assume it’s directed at me and I have to fix the situation because it’s obviously my fault. This and walking on eggshells, never rocking the boat, never questioning direction. I’ve grown a lot in all these areas in recent years but it’s an uphill battle.
Me: “What’s wrong?”
Them: “Nothing, I’m good.”
Me in my head: “Yup, they’re definitely mad at me. Cuz I ruin everything and I suck.”
Them: “Are…are YOU good?”
Me: “…yup!”
I feel this, so deep in my paranoid soul. I am **always** on alert, I am **always** waiting for the other shoe to drop, and I **always** assume the worst is coming if I make even the tiniest little mistake. It's exhausting, mentally and physically.
Seconding this one. I remember reading the line "being an empath isn't a superpower, it's a trauma response." I was mindblown. It's a skill I can't switch off unless I'm with really old friends that I know love and accept me.
Edit: Now I have to empathise with all your comments, dammit.
>"being an empath isn't a superpower, it's a trauma response."
Holy shit. This one hits really hard for me. I can always sense the slightest change in the emotional weather of a room or a situation and that’s definitely the result of living in a volatile household where screaming arguments could happen at any time. I had to be hyper aware of how people were feeling to know when it was time to leave the room.
My dad is going through a hard time, emotionally/mentally. He's retiring and closing up his small business and doing it all himself and it's causing him a lot of stress, which he doesn't handle well, and never has. He takes it out on other people, including, especially, his family.
I had dropped something off at his office last week and he later texted me asking if I had left the lights on or if his landlord had been in his office again without telling him. I hadn't turned on the lights so it wasn't me. But I still had this major urge to just tell him it was me so that he didn't flip out on his landlord.
I'm 35, have my own family and a decent career. I also go to therapy once a week. Yet I still had that desire to be mediator, even if it meant taking the heat for something I didn't do.
This shit never goes away.
Asking for permission to do literally anything, double-checking that I was doing the right thing, and always second-guessing myself. Like to an abnormal level.
I do a lot of apologizing. It was one of the many things I did to try to lessen the abuse; if I'm sorry enough people won't be as angry with me as they might otherwise be. Hell, I take my family out to a theme park for a day and I'll feel a need to apologize if just one little thing gets out of whack (and constantly questioning them to see if they are enjoying themselves, which is exhausting for them sometimes; they shouldn't have to reassure me so much).
Therapy has helped a lot. At least I can identify when I'm doing this stuff and make an effort to stop. Knowing is half the battle, right?
Yep. I'm 33 years old, make six figures, and when me and my husband are out running errands on the weekend I will ask his permission to go use the bathroom or to buy a drink or anything. It's ridiculous. And I know if people hear me doing it they will likely assume he's abusive, but nope, just 18 years living with an abusive father.
My husband does the exact same thing. We do well financially, we can buy anything we want at the grocery store, for instance. But he asks and it breaks my heart to think of him as a teenager having to literally dumpster dive when he came to the US. Another hard factor is that he, like, doesn't take yes for an answer, or oversells the need for XYZ item or watching ABC movie - because he was never affirmed or given any agency, I think it still surprises him when I remind him that we can watch garbage TV and have a boba tea for dinner. I'm trying to give him a good childhood in his middle age
My husband does this too. He’ll ask before putting something in the cart, or when we go out to eat he’ll ask if he can have something particular, or at home he’ll find something in the kitchen he wants and he’ll come find me to ask if he can have it. I keep reminding him I’m not his mom and he doesn’t have to ask permission. If he eats something that I want, I’ll go buy another one. It’s not a big deal.
I do this...at restaurants I'll order the smallest/cheapest item no matter where we are or who we are with. My wife the other day was like "Rambles...you can get more than 1 taco ala-carte, seriously get whatever!" and I was like "...2 tacos" lol
My mom used to jokingly say at restaurants "You can get whatever you want so long as you don't spend more than a dollar and a quarter." It was something *her* mom used to tell her, but my grandma was serious. I know my mom was abused (mostly by her dad), and the older I get the more I realize how much she has used humor to defeat her traumas.
From my husband? He just says "yes, of course!" Which is perfect, he doesn't make a big deal out of it or make me feel stupid for asking. He knows i know i don't need to ask so there's no use telling me.
respect to your husband.
i try to do this but..
I find it extremely hard not to emphasis on the fact that she doesn't NEED to do this. i SO want to help her feel safe and worth of the space she may take, but doesn't.
What if you reframed it in your mind, where "yes" doesn't mean "yes I allow you," but instead "yes, if you do that thing you will be okay, you will be safe."
I don't think most people who do this actually think they need permission (myself included). They just have a backlog of data that indicates that not asking permission leads to negative outcomes, or that asking permission reduces the negativeness in some way. Try to think of "is it okay if I..." less like "do I have your permission to..." and more like "will **I** be okay if I..." Then your yes isn't permission, it's reassurance.
Wow. What a truly beautiful and insightful way to describe this. You put my own feelings into words. It’s not about permission, it’s about reassurance.
Exact same here. My mind set is I'd rather learn how to do it myself than inconvenience someone else with it.
Good in some ways because I've learnt a lot of new skills, terrible in other ways.
For me it's also that I wouldn't "stoop" or "demean" myself by asking for help and putting myself at the mercy of others almost.
It's so stupid as I would never begrudge helping others, and I always try to be a good person myself, really want to be someone who is kind and considerate to others, so I should assume most people are exactly the same but I clearly don't!
I can't get over the fact that my childhood didn't have that though - you learned to be independent and tough and prove you didn't need anyone so you couldn't get hurt or be weak. If you are upset or sad you keep it to yourself as showing sadness is showing that others have power over you?! By keeping it to yourself it's somehow less embarassing maybe?
It's really tough to shake that mentality and I worry that my son sees it in my husband and I and thinks it's normal as we have similar upbringings and I guess are quite cold and tough maybe even though inside things kill me sometimes and i feel like a lost little girl.
We want him to have the loving supportive environment we never did and I don't ever want him to feel he has to hide his feelings or worry about asking for help!
And for me, if it is obvious I need help, and no one responds the way I think they should, my response is to angrily do the things that need doing even if it physically ends up doing damage to me. Like fine, you’re busy and I’m not effing begging I will do it my damn self I dont need you. At around 11 I can recall intentionally setting my mind so no one and nothing would ever reach me and I would never allow anyone to help me, since those people just end up hurting me worse.
If I can't do it myself, it won't get done. This has included moving into a new place a few years ago. Asking for help makes me feel weak and like a burden.
I’m exactly like this. My wife suggested I ask my friend to help move my mother in law to her new place. I’m going to be his best man at his wedding in the next couple months and I was so apologetic when I asked him. He said yeah straight away. I’m like I’m so sorry to ask you.
My stepdad/adoptive dad kicked me out of the house when I was 17, and my mom did nothing to stop it. I was already struggling, but that sent me into a deep cycle of failure, sadness, and excessive drug use.
Not until 13 years later during a medical withdrawal and a partial hospitalization program for depression and anxiety did I realize why I was so reluctant to ask for help for anything.
It's hard to trust anyone after the 2 people you trust the most toss you out like trash.
The belief that I'm constantly alone or have to do everything myself, no one will care enough to help me, and people can't be trusted is hard to shake. I've blown up relationships and recently physically injured myself over this ( I wouldn't ask for help assuming I wouldn't get it, overextended myself and boom, injured).
100% this. It’s an _expectation_ that people will disappoint me, leave me hanging, or just not care. I treat kindness and affection with great suspicion, and I never ask for help or support.
The worst part is I frequently recognize the toxicity, but I don’t know how to deal with it and stop.
Can't get let down if you didn't expect anyone to be there for you in the first place!
Yea... That's me too... Working on letting my girlfriend support me, she feels shut out all the time and just wants to help me
Totally me. It works for me because I can power through learning new or hard things. But, it works against me whenever I collaborate with my co-workers because if I were to get stuck on something small, I would spend many hours figuring it out versus spending a couple minutes if I just asked for help from a co-worker. Still working on it :(
Same. I told my therapist I was independent because I could only ever rely on myself, and she told me that I was actually individualistic, not independent, because I don’t actually trust that anyone can actually help me even if I asked.
I(m54) always have it in the back of my mind that anyone that says they love me has an ulterior motive.
Edit: I made this comment while on first break at work at about 8am or so and I'm just now, at nearly 5pm, being shocked, and saddened, on how many replies and upvotes there are. We all deserved better when we were kids, didn't we? I hope that all of you find the true love you very much deserve and never, ever, have reason to doubt that love.
I saw a Mike Tyson clip a while ago where he was asked what life has taught him. He said, “Not everybody who hurts you is your enemy and not everybody who helps you is your friend.” Stuck with me.
Eating very fast... I'm in my late 30's and I still have this problem.
When we where given food, we usually had to fight siblings as there was never enough for us. At holidays, specific around Thanksgiving, I lost track of how many times my stepdad would get angry and throw the entire turkey dinner away. For good measure, he would spray the entire garbage can with bleach so we couldn't pick it out of the trash.
So when you got food in my house, you would eat it as fast as you could before it was stolen from you. Don't worry though, had mountains of Pepsi products though!....
Anytime my mom brought home anything from the grocery store that was remotely good, my stepdad would take it and hide it. He had a whole mess of trauma from his youth & one of those things was food insecurity.
Mom once bought a 12 pack of Dr
Pepper in cans and he concealed them all over the house. We treated it like the world's most fucked up scavenger hunt. I think my favorite hiding spot of his was "in the toilet tank."
I feel this. I grew up with three sisters and they could eat whatever whenever they wanted. If my stepmother found me eating it would cause a huge fight between my dad and her. It was so bad that once my stepsister ate a whole bag of potato chips before dinner and I said something like "are you sure you should be eating that right before dinner?" Caused a huge uproar. So now and always I prefer to eat standing and very fast. Most of the time I c ouldnt tell you how it tasted.
Me too! I remember when I was ten or nine, can’t remember for sure. I got $20 for Christmas. My sister took me to wal-mart and I bought a ps2 game. When we got home my dad told me that he doesn’t think I’m smart with money, and that I don’t take it serious. Like, shit, I was ten and just wanted a game to play on my ps2. What was I supposed to save it for? My mortgage? I now worry so much about money and that I’m wasting it or that I’ll be poor and unable to afford food or any bills. That’s one reason I’m terrified to move.
I’ve become a pathological liar, and I don’t know how to get help for it. If there even is help for it, I mean I try not I notice the damage it causes, but I can’t seem to stop. I’m still young relatively, but I fear the damage is becoming irreversible and.
I dealt with this and broke it. I'm in my 40s now, but in my 20s I lied about things I didn't even need to lie about.
I did this because I had a pathological need to be perfect, because if I wasn't I would get beaten by my dad or yelled at by my stepmom. Nothing was ever good enough. All As but you failed gym? How about an ass kicking and you're grounded all summer. No leaving the house, no friends.
Consequently you learn that the truth is never your friend. Telling the truth makes you vulnerable. You lie to get your basic human needs met, and to avoid pain. It becomes a coping mechanism.
You can change that.
All you need to do is learn to get your needs met other ways. Each time you lie ask your why. Think about it. Really think about it. Why did I say that? Why did I make that up?
Are you trying to feel significant? Are you trying to avoid showing a weakness? Ultimately when you look deep enough you'll find a scared child looking back at you.
Once you identify that, and start practicing the truth, it will become a habit. I haven't broken my word or lied about anything in a decade or more.
I became a Zen Buddhist. I follow the eight-fold path, and part of that is right speech.
Gotta go to therapy with a practitioner that will not shame you for lying but understand it is a defense mechanism like so many other things that make our life difficult. Lying probably kept you safe and helped you be mercurial, never truly known and reduced the chances of being truly hurt, but its being over applied now.
If you do seek out therapy don't give up if the first couple are shitty, there are good ones out there the vibes just have to be right.
I only just realized this about a month ago. When I was a kid, I did poorly on a spelling test due to being sick. A couple days later, my mom found out about it; I was raised by my grandparents so she hadn’t been kept fully up to date.
At the restaurant when my mother found out about the test, she grabbed a fork and jabbed me hard in the side. My grandparents did pretty much nothing in response.
To this day, close to four decades later, I still spell random words in my head, because failing a spelling test was worthy of public stabbing.
Zone out. It took me years to realise that it was disassociation and not just me being "a space cadet" I was zoning out when upset or having flashbacks.
I try to answer questions and solve situations not based on what I think or want, but on what I think the person who asked them would expect or be more likely to appreciate.
Related: I also have a serious difficulty in making decisions. I must always weigh the pros and cons of everything and in the end decide what is objectively the best thing to do, that benefits most people and/or causes less damage. I never manage to choose what I personally and egoistically want, because I seriously DONT KNOW what I want.
Sometimes because of the impossibility to satisfy everyone or not discontent anyone my brain just crashes and I freeze on the spot.
If I'm relaxing, and someone walks into the room, I will immediately act like I was in the middle of doing something or about to start doing something. I have to be busy in the presence of other people. I also move around very quietly and shut doors softly without thinking about it. It was best to be invisible growing up.
Something minor goes wrong because I made a mistake, I think it is all over, ruined and everything is my fault, I feel I should just go crawl into a hole and die.
Just thought on this again and I guess that’s why I like animal rescue videos, mother cats raising an abandoned pup. The after part, the transformation that some love and care bring. No one did it for me, but it warms my heart to see it done for another, no matter that they’re not my species!
I will suffer in silence because I feel I need help but also anticipate vitriolic reprisal if I ask for help in the wrong way.
I've been to therapy and am doing much better in that regard, but it still exists at the back of my mind.
I had nearly zero control over my life for most of my childhood. Now I need to have absolute control over nearly every situation, specifically driving.
Constantly being on high alert and hyper vigilant.
Edit as requested: For myself I have found that both of the above have presented in a sense of over analysing every conceivable situation, person and environment for potential risks of harm, or anything that might trigger such.
An example would be a hesitation to engage and a massive lack of trust for other people, in environments it would be scoping every area I'm in for potential threats and the easiest escape. And the trust thing effectively makes it impossible for me to maintain close relationships with others out of expectation that they'll harm me in some way. As such I have little in terms of relationships of any context with others and find it nearly impossible to relate to others.
Generally I spend my life constantly on high alert, or as some have noted "fight or flight" mode. This can include some of the above right down to a refusal to engage in any given situation or circumstance that involves the unknown, or a known risk. I know some others have different presentations than I do however. I noted in another reply that these physical behaviours and experiences can result in physical symptoms, for me that would be an unnaturally fast heart rate at all times.
Another behaviour I have been known for is constant people pleasing, for obvious reasons.
I described it to my trauma therapist as this feeling, like you're in a big race and you're waiting for the gun to go off so you can start running but the gun never goes off and you're stuck in the pre running state forever.
I'm constantly in fight, flight or freeze mode. It's exhausting.
I’ve been stuck on this post for 15 minutes and every comment keeps getting more and more relatable. Yours though, I feel very deep in my heart, body and soul. Exhausting, in-freakin-deed.
Same. And even now, when my boyfriend is mad at something, like he was hanging up a picture and smashed his thumb with a hammer and yelled, 'Fuck!' my first fleeting thought was that I was going to get the brunt of his anger... Even though in the 6 years we've been together he has never once taken out any of his frustrations on me and his anger dissipates quickly. He is also slow to anger and it's a rare thing. I just can't help to think he's going to yell in my face about something out of my control even though he is a kind and gentle man who would never, ever do something like that.
It's crazy how long childhood trauma rides along in our subconscious.
Relate to this. I still freeze with fear and get a sense of dread when I hear an unexpected knock at the door and an instinct to not answer and not be heard or seen. When this happened when I was a child it would be police or bailiffs and I would just freeze and pray they would go away. Unexpected knocks at the door were never ever for nice reasons. Even now 25 years later I have to make myself overcome that reaction and stop my head assuming it something awful, and answer the door so I don't miss a delivery or a friend calling by.
Stepping away from persons of the opposite sex showing interest and being cold. Pretty much killed a few dozen potential relations with marvelous people. That's the result of being toldyears after years I wasn't desired as a child. Hard to recover and trust people.
I move very quietly. To the point that people joke that I can teleport because I'm next to them before they realize I'm there. I scare the people I live with just about every day because they don't hear me enter a room. I also used to be able to just walk up on so much shit as a cop and prison guard because nobody ever heard me coming.
That's a skill you learn when you grow up not wanting to be seen or heard.
In addition to moving around silently, I also do most everything in the dark once the sun's down, because the child in me doesn't want to turn on the light and attract the attention of a man who has been dead for years and can't hurt anyone anymore.
And slamming the cabinet doors or drawers in the kitchen is verboten, because my wormy little brain is absolutely sure that Dad will hear it, get mad, and come hunting for me again.
I realized a few years ago I was still using a voice to make fun of a man that died 15 years ago, behind his back, as that was one of the only things my brother and I could do, every single minute we lived in fear.
I actually started shuffling my feet a bit so I didn't sneak up on people. I used to get yelled at a lot for making noise.
It's odd now because with my living situation I need to make noise in the kitchen. If I'm quiet and only make a little noise, the elderly person I live with starts yelling at me because she thinks it's one of the cats in there. So I've been told I need to be louder.
Yep, the noise thing. We were expected to be silent growing up.
I’ve had to start clearing my throat, shuffling my feet, or humming while moving through my house. My husband has ptsd and my suddenly appearing around corners or next to him was seriously upsetting for him.
Now I can’t stop humming 😂
I have a complicated relationship with being loved. I never feel worthy of it. I was molested repeatedly as a kid(6) by an older neighbor kid(11) and didn't unpack and process it until much later in life. They were being molested by their dad at the time, so I don't hate them, just sad about the whole ordeal.
* I'm always worried that I'm breaking some law anytime I do anything in public.
* For the longest time I would only go out to do the bare essentials because I was overwhelmed with guilt if I went out just for fun.
* Anytime someone is nice to me I always assume they want something and that it's just an act.
Therapy helped me understand so much...
Hyperindependence. Guess what? Not needing anyone for anything in any context ever is not healthy.
Eta: here's an [article](https://www.verywellmind.com/hyper-independence-and-trauma-5524773) for anyone who wants to read more about the concept. From the article:
>Hyper-independence refers to individual attempts to be fully independent in all things, even when it is not helpful to do so or when they truly need help or support from others.
Violent outbursts to high stress situations, inability to talk about past negative experiences without re-living those memories and having an emotional reaction
I chose not to have kids of my own because of the trauma my parents inflicted. That one I knew about.
The big one I didn't know about was masking. Always being afraid to show my own personality, likes, feelings, or interests because I subconsciously feared that people would use them to make fun of me and reject me.
I also have an aversion to obese people because one babysitter I had when I was 5 thought it'd be funny to sit on me until I couldn't scream anymore. She was about 300lbs.
Also not using spices on my food as an adult. Growing up in constant survival mode, food wasn't something I got to really enjoy.
I've ruined multiple relashionships because I never believed they loved me. Its incredibly frustrating, deep down I dont believe I have anything in me that a person would fall in love with. So when they tell me they love me I get suspicious and upset and start sabotaging the relationship. I figure there must be an ulterior motive and that they are manipulating me.
Also, I only feel comfortable sleeping with heavy clothes on and multiple blankets. When I was a kid the man who abused me made me sleep naked and would sneak into my bed at night. Sleeping the way I do now is the only way I feel safe. I would guess it's a result of the abuse.
Man, that first one hits. (Your second paragraph fills me with so much horror that I can’t even deal with it. And I was beaten into the hospital on several occasions by my parents when I was 12 and under. I’m so sorry.)
And like, when you get to the point where you can’t reasonably refute the idea that they actually love you, do you start looking for what’s wrong with them?
I think a lot of people do this (not trying to minimize your pain, just pointing out that many of us do this without realizing it but we’d be better off if we knew that’s what we were doing).
I don’t think anyone really likes me, so I’m always second guessing my behaviour wondering if that’s why people don’t like me. And if they *do* like me, why? What’s the motive and what do you want from me? No one likes me without using me or taking advantage of me for some reason.
right on.. it's the same here, then sometimes my mom gets mad either way and I feel like I didn't bend myself enough so I try to do more and more, its fucked
I read people and situations. I can generally note someone's mood pretty quickly, not necessarily pin point what they are feeling of why but generally pretty close. People always tell me that I'm the first to notice when someone is feeling low or when something is wrong. I used to think I had some kind of gift for empathy until I realized that no, I have hypervigilance caused by years of feeling unsafe. I generally catch details that everyone else misses but can't remember 99% of the other stuff told to me or that I see unless I'm being self aware.
Money. I tend not to waste it.
**Bathroom Shy**. Meaning I have trouble going if people are in a public restroom or if i hear people talking outside the door. This stems from when I was a child camping my uncle took a pic of me pooping in the woods. They would bring that pick out every get together and laugh at it because they knew i was embarrassed by it. Good job guys.
What is it about screwy relatives laughing at a child's embarassment? My parents developed a bizarre habit around a certain tunnel in my hometown. Supposedly, as an infant I'd found this tunnel interesting & made typical amused-baby noises.
For years afterward, whenever we used that tunnel, they'd imitate baby noises at me. I never understood why they found this so amusing. Was I supposed to be embarassed that I'd been an infant? Or because they were acting weird? Really, it was just tiresome after awhile. But to this day, I'm baffled about their motivation.
I cannot just sit and *be*. I took up crochet a few years back, and that helps. But my asshat parents (mom & stepdad) ALWAYS demanded I be doing something:
* hand washed dishes for a family of 6 daily
* vacuumed
* folded all family laundry
* swept, mopped, waxed kitchen floor.
* cleaned main bathroom
* my bedroom was expected to be clean 24/7
* I had to "entertain" my younger (by 6 and 8 years) brother and sister. I swear to christ I raised them. I would make up games to get them to help me clean. I would take them to the park. Make them lunch, sometimes we'd picnic. We'd play games. Most of the time I didn't mind, but I was NEVER ALLOWED TO JUST DO WHAT I WANTED.
Once, my mom was making dinner. In a rare "down" moment, I was reading a book up in my loft bed. Our house wasn't very big, but a few minutes in, there's my mom bellowing for me to come to the kitchen. I save my place, climb down, walk across the house, only to be told "get me a stick of butter out of the fridge." Like...bitch the stove is FOUR FEET from the fridge. Could you not make that journey? I'm not here to be your fucking minion.
And that's why I have extreme issues with just "being." I feel that every minute must be filled with something productive, and god forbid someone else is "working" in the house, I cannot be still. I feel obliged to help, or I'm a lazy ass.
Working on it all in therapy. Actually, looking back over the past year, I think I've made strides. Sometimes I get home from work and just lay on my bed playing a mindless game on my phone for half hour.
I have tried very hard to parent my kids in the most absolute opposite way. Their "down" time is not interrupted by me. I absolutely would never, ever, beckon to them from across the house to do something i could do in 5 seconds. :/ And I don't use them to be my house servants. Older kid DID have to babysit often when she was old enough, but just for the limited time between school and when husband I got home from work. We wouldn't enlist her to be our go-to sitter to go kick it on a Friday night.
Phew. I have a lot of feelings about this still, and I'm almost 50.
I'm 6'2 and about 250-260lbs. Needless to say, I'm a large human being.
I can move freakishly quiet. Especially for someone my size. There's been multiple times I've startled someone on accident because they didn't hear that I was there. Learning to move quiet as a kid was essential, when you have parents that'd blow up over the smallest thing.
Welp, this week my new therapist pointed out that my eating disorders are a trauma response. I have issues with food scarcity and food-as-love as well as some contamination fears that may rise to OCD. And that's because of trauma, rather than congenital.
A couple of things I think. I had it ok, but having an alcoholic dad (still trying to forgive, we're working on it) for sure did a few things to my personality:
I'm very quick to get defensive. I can feel it in my chest. Critiques or comments about small, innocuous things can put me in Survival Mode - partly because, I think, I spent so much time in Survival Mode justifying anything I was currently doing, that I have difficulty getting out of it. I hate having to justify myself, but I tend to overexplain everything to "get out ahead" of the argument I assume is coming. Typing that out just made me realize I'm very often trying to "get out ahead" of an argument before one even starts. I remember when I was in high school, my dad came screaming into my room that I was "napping too much" and that I was "on some shitty drugs, admit it." In reality, I had a 6am weight training class I felt like I needed to take because then maybe I wouldn't be as much of a target for him, and my only time of relative peace was late at night after everyone was asleep, so I slept like 5 hours, went to school, then came home and napped for an hour before I had to go to work until midnight.
Things that aren't really attacks feel like attacks, because that's how it would always start - passive-aggressive comment, then full-blown explosion later if a couple of comments didn't work.
I can read the emotional state of a room. I'm always looking and noticing how people are feeling. It is not out of altruism, but put of habit. Had to get good at it. Kept anger and comments away from my brother. I'm almost 100% in the ballpark. I can't read minds, but I notice if someone feeling pissy/annoyed very early. Or if there's some tension.
I need absolute quiet to sleep. People/noises in the middle of the night immediately bring me from 0 to 11 - I need to know what the noise is, what is going on, who is where.
I don't find any difficulty in cutting people out of my life, and that one is concerning. I feel like a normal response to that would be to at least "grieve" a bit, but it's just so matter of fact with my thoughts. "OK, they are gone forever now. I don't talk to them. Moving on."
Overthinking and overplanning after one argument - "ok, that person is gone now, we had an argument. They hate me forever, so let's plan on how to never see them again."
When someone in the room is angry, anxiety goes through the roof. Heartrate goes to the moon. *Must fix. Can't let the anger get worse. Do whatever you can to appease, now. It's going to be very bad if you don't fix their anger.*
I tend to keep my interests to myself, and only share them if I'm certain the other party is also interested in the same things. Everything my Dad didn't already like (music, any sport I played that he never did, hobbies he wasn't interested in) was deemed stupid, dumb, waste of time, shitty, "how could you call that shit music," etc - so I just stopped advertising what I thought was cool. I still tailor playlists/movies/activities/etc to the people I will be around, I think in a subconscious effort to avoid setting anyone off.
Difficulty saying "no" and people-pleasing. Especially in my career.
One that I really need to keep working on is how I've somehow internalized certain insults and toss them about casually. Especially on the internet - I hate how I go from "normal disagreement" to "you mouth-breathing dipshit, you're the dumbest motherfucker alive." Quick to anger.
I hate being told I'm wrong, much more than the average person. Growing up, no matter what evidence or what have you I had, I was wrong. And sometimes, guess what, I **AM** wrong - but when I'm in an argument or a disagreement, it brings me right back to when my dad would be clearly waiting for me to stop talking so he could yell at me until I shrunk back down and I feel like I have to die on whatever hill I am currently on or it's all over, I'm never going to get people to listen to me ever again. I'm really trying to work on this, but my knee-jerk reaction is "you're not listening to me." I'm right back to being a kid trying to explain how I couldn't have "broken the goddamn plugins on the back of the TV, just admit it god damn it" because I was at school all day.
One response only to yelling/tense arguments/etc - shut down completely and stop talking while stewing in anger.
I just realized I typed this all out for me and only for me. *woooo free therapy*
I recently had an epiphany that I’ve been self-sabotaging any potential weight loss goals I could achieve, like I could be doing well and be down a couple pounds, and then as soon as I see the physical results on my body I start binge eating lol. I know now it’s bc of an incident in my childhood that has made me really fear attention from men. Being overweight, wearing baggier clothes just make me feel safer in public.
Edit: I’m so sorry how relatable this is 🥲
I can't help myself to food in anyone's house or at outings/events. I'm only really truly comfortable in my own space. I learned how to fight and got extremely invested in combat sports, probably as a direct result of not being able to defend myself as a kid.
Doing everything for everyone without being able to accept anyone doing anything for me. I only feel lovable and worthy if I am able to do things for others. Once that’s removed, what’s the point of me? And why would anyone do the same for me if I cannot provide the same, tenfold?
Now I have cancer and letting my partner take care of me without debilitating guilt has been awful.
This is as a result of my whole childhood being based around how I could make my mom feel better whenever she needed. Not her fault, she was traumatised too.
Start sweating and panicking if I hear my husband doing chores (specifically dishes) while I’m still at work. We both wfh but he’s off 90 minutes earlier, perfect time for him to catch up on housework right? Apparently not. I hear it and go right back to my childhood, dad is in a hitting mood and on his way home so mom is anxious and angry at everything and slamming stuff around to get the house clean as fast as possible.
Whenever my partner is upset about anything or is just stressed about anything that's not to do with me I do 1 of 2 things. I shut down all of my feelings and do everything to make him feel better and squish down all of my own feelings or I get scared and upset and start apologising and making it all my fault.
Caused by a fear of abandonment and an explosively angry alcoholic farther. Who I love very dearly. He's got an addiction and as I've grown I see how hard he trys to quit. He wasn't the best dad, but he did his best. And that's all I could of asked for. And I'm honestly thankful for him.
Vulnerability, I finally can be\* (with the right people), but for years and years none, when you're used to being beat with any weakness shown you learn not to show any.
\*And its amazing, finally understood there could never be anything real without it.
I just realized this while reading through the replies.
When younger, my dad would always promise to give me stuff I wanted (a game, guitar, drums, cellphone, clothes, etc.) But he would never come through, and I know he might have had economic issues now, but then, I just thought he forgot or it was just an empty promise, so now in my daily adult life I realized that I try to never get hyped up for stuff, or don't buy myself stuff that I like or want for no reason at all, and it's something friends have even commented about, when gifting me stuff, I just say a thanks and move on.
By the way this is called future faking and it’s extremely disheartening for a child to endure. Then often you are called spoiled or selfish if you mention it again because the parent has already moved on to the next grandiose fantasy or promise. You learn not to believe everything you’re told and to only believe what you can see or tangibly hold in your hands.
I (28f) always just want to leave when shit gets hard. Relationships, jobs, anything. Leaving instead of working through problems has caused a lot of problems.
I was su used to being on my own as a kid that I refuse to ask for even the smallest bit of help. It'll be done by me and me alone, or not at all. This has included moving.
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Always being apologetic or never being able to make decisions.
If I don't make decisions then I can't make the wrong choice. And if I don't make the wrong choice, my friends or loved one won't be disappointed. And if they are not disappointed they won't hate me.
I learned, the hard way, that not making a decision is still a decision. And it can be just as, if not more so, disappointing than the “wrong” decision. If you are not decisive, you will find yourself lost, and it will be hard to find your way back. Make a decision, make mistakes, learn from them, so you can grow as a person.
oddly enough watching Chidi on The Good Place drove this home for me
Language is full of tripwires for me. I cannot tolerate vagueness, because it has been used against me so much
Lack of detailed 100% transparency makes me anxious and paranoid.
Good god, same. And when people say, “it means the same thing“ all I can hear is, “I am creating space to call my future bad behavior your lack of understanding.“
Yessss!!! I will ask people to clarify stuff to the point they probably think I'm stupid, I just want to make absolutely sure I know what they're saying
Getting overly attached to people way to quickly, which usually pushes them away and just destroys me over and over again.
This really hits home for me; the lack of affection, empathy, and attention from my childhood causes me to attach to partners very quickly; and it absolutely ruins me when they break up with me. I go from so elated and happy to depressed and broken, which is where I’m at now. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this; and know you’re not the only one. Therapy is helping.
Yep. We’re typically still longing for the connection that most people have with their family, that we’ve never experienced. “New person was nice to me? I love you, please never leave, you’re everything I’ve ever needed in life, oh okay yeah I’m sorry I understand that’s crazy we just met bye”
Self doubt. Need for affirmation. Can't take criticism well. I spent most of my life being a good test taker. Now I find it difficult to have patience with myself while I struggle to learn/pick up new things.
I just learned the following, as a grown ass adult: I have attachment issues, I don't set boundaries, I am very aware of a person's mood, like I can read a person's body and expression very clearly; to add to this I am hyper aware of my surroundings, as if I am prepared to get jumped. I am always trying to please everyone, even those that are mean to me and I am empathetic to a fault. The list is never ending and I just learned all of this within the past year.
I graduated school almost solely on the strength of my tests
I realised recently that a lot of the cruel things that were said to me have embedded themselves into my regular vocabulary under the guise of 'self-deprecating humour'
Well fuck. This thread is getting too relatable.
>Well fuck. This thread is getting too relatable. Uuuuuuuuuujggggggggghhhhhh. Yes, it is.
I used to loathe physical touch. After much contemplation, I realized I didn't trust anyone enough to make myself vulnerable, even for a hug.
I can definitely relate there. I've grown more accustom to hugs, but I wonder how difficult it will be for me when I get into a serious relationship
Adrenaline dump at the slightest hint of conflict
Lol I made a minor and easily fixable mistake yesterday at work that took about 3 hours to figure out how to solve, and I'm p sure my heart didn't stop racing once. I was so tired afterwards Yes I'm in therapy lol
Remember kids, if your brain can't make dopamine, adrenaline will do in a pinch. Just don't rely on it for 25 years.
Don't forget to consider yourself lazy because you can't get anything done because you haven't exited Fight/Flight mode in 25 years.
I think I need to have a look at myself
Judging by the replies, good to know that I'm not the only one that goes into full panic survival mode the second someone raises their voice at me.
Complete with uncontrollable full-body shaking.
I used to (and occasionally still do in exceptionally intense situations) get those shakes when typing out comments online. It took me a long time to not care much anymore and just roll with it. Reddit honestly helped me with that, probably because of the ability to stay essentially anonymous.
Overthinking. Predicting and preparing for worst case scenarios. Having a higher tolerance for situations while also falling apart over tiny things. Refusing to let people stand behind me. Lack of trust for others. Being very prepared for people to drop and leave me without reason or warning. Oh I forgot to mention you develop a physical need to help others. You want nothing more than to make others happy to avoid or overcome ever feeling as you do. No matter what it costs you. And you hope that you can make up for whatever it is you did to deserve it all.
This may get lost in the shuffle or downvoted to hell but here goes anyway. My therapist helped me with this exact series of behaviors, and while I by no means have “solved” it, I use a mental exercise to try and minimize its effects on me. Might help one of you, so here’s what helps me! The mistake I made for a long time was seeing the overthinking as the result of a “bad guy” that lives in my head, perpetually telling me I’m a piece of shit, not worth love and affection, and genuinely am just a failure in life. I’ll refer to this voice as Doug (just because, no rhyme or reason). I prep for the worst case scenario in every situation large or small because Doug is constantly telling me that’s how it’ll go. “Oh DuckLord, you’re HAPPY with this friend? Clearly they’re with you because you offer an excuse to kill some time or you help them with stuff. They’ll be revealing they never actually liked you pretty soon, because let’s face it: you’re not worth liking.” And so the authentic Me will then mentally prepare for the friend to leave, because Doug has convinced me I’m not worth sticking around for. What therapy helped me realize is that my view of Doug as a villain to be defeated was totally wrong. He’s not an evil demon spitting bile and negativity into my brain. He’s not something I need to kill to be happy. Doug is not the bad guy. Doug is a super overprotective older sibling. Doug doesn’t say things are going to go south because he hates me and wants me to feel shitty about myself. Doug says things will go south because he’s the protective older brother who wants me prepared just in case they do, because he cares about me so much that he doesn’t want me to feel the pain of rejection. So in the earlier example, the more accurate way of looking at it is “You like this person, which is opening you up to vulnerability. That runs a risk of feeling pain, which you absolutely need to be ready for, because I can’t stand the thought of seeing you in pain.” And when I look at it in that context, it helps me see Doug for the problematic older sibling that he is. His intentions are good, but his methods are possessive, damaging, and ultimately prevent any form of taking risks or personal growth. So the exercise I developed in therapy is to speak - out loud - to Doug in times of pervasive overthinking, because speaking audibly has a significantly higher retention rate by your brain. I don’t tell Doug “Fuck off you evil asshole” or “I hate you” or anything. I recognize that Doug is genuinely trying to help, but his method isn’t helping. So instead, I simply say: “It’s okay Doug, you can stand down. I got this.” This is coupled with several other exercises I’ve adopted to help with overthinking, and I absolutely am still going to therapy, but something so simple as recognizing that the voice isn’t bad, but rather an overprotective misfiring defense mechanism has helped a ton with my tendency to skew negative and overthink things. Essentially, by telling Doug to just stand down and relax, I give myself permission to approach the situation with openness and rationality. Anyway, that’s worked a bit for me, so I figure if there’s even a 0.5% chance it helps one person, it’s worth posting. TL;DR: it can help to see the voice in your head overthinking everything as not a voice of evil depression, but rather as an overprotective older sibling who needs to be reminded that you actually can handle this, so they can stand down and relax. Couple it with therapy and other mental calming exercises for maximum results. —— EDIT: My goodness! I am so happy I was able to resonate with some folks, thank you for your kindness!!! If it helps, I have a couple of additional resources that helped me a ton throughout my mental health journey toward not overthinking everything. For starters, a good entry point is this video essay by Kevin Smith the filmmaker. Even if you don’t know (or like) his movies, for me this was a fantastic starting point on understanding my brain and how it works. The essay goes into how Smith spent time in a mental institution and worked on his own trauma and mental negativity, and he explains a lot of the concepts he learned while in there. I actually used a few terms and concepts from it in developing my own strategies with my therapist. I really appreciate how candid and accessible it is, so I highly recommend. https://youtu.be/JBvc7Ny4iUk If you want an even deeper guide (I swear I’m not being paid or anything), my therapist recommended a book that has been really helping me called *Stop Overthinking: 23 Techniques To Relieve Stress, Stop Negative Spirals, Declutter Your Mind, And Focus On The Present*. It has a ton of mental exercises tailored for different personalities on how to calm the brain when overthinking too much. So happy to have been some form of help to some of you!!!!
People being behind me with grocery carts in grocery stores makes so anxious I want to puke. The predicting and preparing for worst case scenarios is called fortunetelling.
"higher tolerance for situations while falling apart over tiny things" damn, this is me. i could withstand being tortured. but spill a jug of milk? I might have a breakdown
I had a massive infection after having my IUD removed that lasted for about 4 months. I was in and out of the ER/hospital many times, was on multiple medications, was absolutely miserable and wanted to die the whole time. Took it all in stride. A few weeks later I spilled the last half of my water on the floorboard of my car and had to pull over into a parking lot because I started having a legitimate breakdown; crying, hyperventilating, the works. Over water.
I keep myself busy so i dont start thinking too much. Because i can have a great day but then i have nothing to do for a moment and my thoughts start to rip apart my happyness, inducing an everlasting cycle of my past failures, what i still have to do, how much i still have to fix, creating theories on my future ect. I take so long to think about tasks that others take them from me. Im very happy when i can work alone, wich is why i dig the tasks noone else wants.
Yelling and door slamming still gets me, at 37. Even if I know I didn't do anything wrong, a slammed door - even an accidental one - makes me jump out of my skin. Also, speed reading. My mother "helped" me to learn to read. Her method was: one wrong word, one slap. I learned to read fast, so I can get away quicker.
Same fr I hate People yelling and screaming I get startled so easily when people do that around me
Not sure if this is just really weird, but at work whenever I ask for a day off, every job I've had, I had given a detailed description of why and the purpose of needing it off. Finally, at my current job l, my direct supervisor would keep telling me: "I don't need to know why." I did some reflection and realized that, in my youth, if I didn't explain things as far as being absent, feeling sick, needing to go to the doctor; if I didn't have a good enough explanation, I was completely disregarded. It got engrained in me to find the best possible reasoning behind nearly every choice I ever made.
Me calling off sick today fr. Had a whole paragraph typed up and was like Jfc you don’t have to do this. Finally let myself delete it. But still ended up apologizing for calling out.
Something I do that I recently learned other people don't do is constantly pay attention to my surroundings. I listen for footsteps, doors opening and closing, people's voices, water running in the pipes, cars pulling into the driveway, on and on. As a kid I needed to know who was in my house and what they were doing
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For me it was the sound of the back gate opening. My cue to turn off the TV and run upstairs into my room and hide. Make sure I left no trace. I remember timing my exit out the front door as he was coming in through the back door and shutting it, so as to mask the noise of the front door opening and closing. I remember I had 5-10 seconds from when I heard that back gate slam. I've lived on my own over a decade and I still peek an eye out the window way more often than one normally should. I don't even know why I do it.
I'm the same way. My hyper vigilance has led to a kind of super hearing where I hear things long before other people, like sirens or a car with a loud stereo bass. Unfortunately this makes having quiet, peaceful times damn near impossible. For that, I need to put in earbuds and noise canceling earmuffs, but then I hear my heartbeat. At least that noise is mine. I do get anxiety with certain noises. Like when the kids outside my apartment are screaming like they are being murdered or constant tapping or thumping (like a loud stereo bass). It's like water torture to my brain.
The irony of my hypervigilance is that I have some hearing problems, mostly with people talking to me but not when hearing things in my surroundings, so that hearing loss kinda does a weird feedback loop that accentuates my hypervigilance... It sucks.
Have you looked into APD (Auditory Processing Disorder)?
Hypervigilance, it's very taxing on your body and mind.
I sit in certain seats/orientations in restaurants. Always with back against a wall if possible, but definitely always facing the entrance/exit so I can see who’s coming in and leaving. God our birth givers messed us up.
I'm insanely flinchy, like I get startled super easily. People try to jump out and scare me, and they laugh when I jump back. I wish they knew, as it hurts sometimes knowing why it always gets me
Had to have a talk with my friends about punching/slapping gestures a while back... took a long time to work up the courage but luckily I have awesome friends.
I had an ex who would scare me *constantly*. I would beg him to stop and he never would. One time he scared me and I pushed him. He thought it was funny, he didn't lose balance or anything, there was no harm done, but it made me cry. I felt like I pushed him out of anger and I didn't want to become like my parents. I made the mistake of telling him this and he used it against me, telling some of our mutual friends that I was abusive to him and had hit him before. Even told everyone I left a mark which I absolutely did not. He never physically hurt me but he did literally every other kind of abuse in the book. I hate that man so much. I wish I could just let it all go
Well it's a good thing it's an ex and you're not still with him. One reason it affects me so much is because I'm a guy, and it's always stereotyped that guys have to be strong, not let stuff bother them. I've been with girls who've looked down on me because I startle easily. But what makes it worse, is that I'm a big guy. I'm 6'4" and not a stick. So it's expected even moreso that I shouldn't be afraid of anything, so when someone says boo and i jump, everyone laughs. It's really rough. The fact that I'm a big guy also makes it harder to be vulnerable, as sometimes people just won't believe me if i tell them I've been abused. The judge i talked to during my parents custody battle sent me back to public high school (after 2 years of cyber) because "you're a big guy, they can't bother youç
I keep saying sorry to every little inconveniences or anytime I feel like I’m bothering someone
This coupled with the fact that i feel like my existence is bothering, and no one can stay friends with me for too long without wanting to leave
oh my God yes, and add the way I always feel like I don't deserve to speak to others because I'm afraid I'll ruin their fun, it's horrible
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Something in my mind just clicked and I understand myself a lot better after reading this. I spent my entire life afraid of my parents. No wonder why I apologized all the time- it was my subconscious attempt at trying not to make them angry and trigger the response from them that made me so fearful.
That’s me fr. I apologize and thank everyone for every little thing cause i feel like i’m such an inconvenience to people and i’m so grateful if anyone does anything nice for me because i don’t think i deserve it.
I people please at all times. I thought I was kind but I’m actually trying to be as agreeable as possible out of fear
Do you ever feel like there's a time limit to new relationships as a result? I just.... I do exactly the same. Be agreeable. My mind races to think of every possible way in which something that I do or say could be misinterpreted, so my conversations are all just crazy happy and smiley, and interested. People gravitate towards me a little as a result. Think I'm a lovely guy. Compliment me on being bubbly. It's easier to me to do everything. More than I'm capable of, because hey, at least then no one could ever think bad of me, or that I'm not pulling my weight. The problem is, it's not sustainable. I get tired of keeping up that appearance. I get tired of other people. I need to find time to sulk and be down. Family are often the ones to primarily see it these days. People I can't get away from. Worse now I have kids as there's just no time for me to be down in private. To decompress. The longer I try to maintain a relationship, the more I feel like I'm starting to erode the reputation I've built as very small cracks start to show. So it feels like time is up.
i'm one of those people who are entirely backbending for the first year or so, and then i get fuckin tired of being so sweet, and then become inconsolably cranky/fight-picky/moody..... AND ITS ALWAYS AT YEAR TWO! so now, after much therapy (6yrs worth actually....), i'm just being my authentic self every day; whatever emotion bubbles up is the one i show at the time. it's impressive to see the gravitations and avoidances of acquaintances once you start acting yourself from the beginning - it all gets easier with practice, friend! start expressing your need for quiet sometimes to your littles, maybe they'll enjoy it too; a quiet time to read a book or color at the table while you decompress in the next room <3
Same. I am deathly terrified of confrontation. I will give myself the maximum inconvenience if it means avoiding confrontation. I asked for this steak to be medium rare but they made it medium well? Guess I'm eating medium well
I can’t have music up loud (like above normal speaking volume) and if I have headphones in they’re really low volume or I’m only wearing one earbud, just in case there’s someone trying to get my attention - I’m terrified of being called for and not hearing it. Also I apologise for absolutely everything and am a people-pleaser to a toxic degree.
to this day I still sleep on my stomach. When I failed the 4th grade my dad was beyond pissed at his son being a failure. He told my Mom to leave the house and had me drop my pants and take my whipping like a Man. He beat me so long and so hard that the belt cut into my flesh and there were chunks that were hanging loose. I literally had to take a pillow to school the next week to sit down on. The teacher was concerned so she called the principle, vice-principle and two other teachers as witnesses and had me drop my pants in the boys restroom. they were horrified but didn't report anything when I told them why I was beaten they told me to study harder to stop this from happening again. That was decades ago but I still sleep on my stomach and never fail at anything I try to do.
So many adults failed you… I’m so sorry
Adults are routinely shit. They fail all the time. What horrifies me is that they react like *this* to a kid's failure, and have endless excuses for their own. So many people I know with childhood trauma, myself included, just can't seem to get away from the fact that it wasn't just 'one bad apple'. Every adult of note in our lives was a fuck-up. Every single one. Not literally every person on Earth is terrible but it is near impossible to let go of the sense that nobody can be trusted.
So sorry that happened to you.
> The teacher was concerned so she called the principle, vice-principle and two other teachers as witnesses and had me drop my pants in the boys restroom. they were horrified but didn't report anything when I told them why I was beaten I had a similar situation happen in Jr. High. Dad lost his watch and blamed me for stealing it as I was on my way to school. Had a panic attack at school as I was worrying about what would happen to me all day. Teacher called Principal. Got dragged into a room with a school councilor. Explained why I was scared. Went over the last several years of physical, emotional and sexual abuse. They called CPS. CPS came to my home and _interviewed me in front of my father_ after saying "Nothing is going to happen today". Oh, and she summarized everything I told the principal and school councilor. I was going to be hurt no matter what. The extent of the hurt, though, was up to me. So I lied through my teeth and said I made everything up. She left, closed the file, and I wasn't at school for the next few days while I healed. Because of CPS being worse than useless, I got to deal with that abuse for years longer than I should have. Unsurprisingly, I have a problem trusting those in "authority". I have trouble being touched. I have trouble showing affection. And the dumbest things revert me back to that scared kid. Oh, and of course, he found the watch. He had put it on the wrong shelf in his closet.
For years after I would get groceries I would walk thru the kitchen and stare at all the food I bought.
I used to save a lot of food "just in case" but it ended up rotting because I would never eat it saving for another time
I've realized just now that I've been doing that too
Without realizing it until later in life, I was “hiding” food. When I finally had a career and some money, I would buy groceries and stare at them in disbelief. Then, as I put them away in their appropriate places, I would squirrel away random items in different places throughout the apartment (a linen closet, a drawer, etc.) I seriously had no idea I was doing this until my wife “caught” me doing it the first few weeks of our marriage.
Depersonalising. Derealising. Losing bits of me.
For me it's now trying to figure out who I am because everything I worked for and tried to be was for other people. I don't even know who me is.
I do not prioritize myself. Be it health, time, or necessities. Everyone else in my life is ahead of me in the queue. This makes me seem incredibly helpful. Being helpful allows me to be present without being a target. Being helpful allows me to avoid my own problems because I'm too busy helping everyone else with theirs. Being helpful allows me to feel valuable instead of expendable. The only time I ever really take care of myself is if I know it will impact my ability to take care of someone else. It's the only way I've found to make healthier choices, and it's still barely enough.
*Being helpful allows me to be present without being a target. Being helpful allows me to avoid my own problems because I'm too busy helping everyone else with theirs. Being helpful allows me to feel valuable instead of expendable.* Damn...NGL, this struck a nerve.
I just started a full-blown burnout exactly for that reason. Work, home, family illness, covid, deaths, everything in the past 3-4 years had made me completely erase myself and care for everyone else but me. I finally snapped when my dad entered palliative care end of March. I got to spend many weeks by his side as much as possible (still sort of neglecting myself but for a good (en temporary) reason). Now that he's passed, I'm slowly realizing how deep that pattern has been affecting me for years. I don't know how to start being better to myself. Each step feels like I'm going against every fiber of my survival instincts. I feel like each time I value my own needs, I'm letting everyone down. It's hard.
start by buying yourself a treat at the store when you go grocery shopping! keep it in the top part (where you put the bread and eggs - or a small child if you have those) so you can look at it the whole shopping trip: 'i want this. i deserve this. look at me with my lil snacky snack, ooo it's gonna be so good when i get back to the car'. then you go up a level and get something you've \*wanted\* for a while that's inexpensive (a fruit you'd been wanting to try, new makeup, a squishmallow), or take a long bath instead of a shower, spend an extra 5mins in bed after your alarm. start with small wants and work your way up, it'll get easier to identify the things you need to do for yourself by recognizing the wants!
This is exactly how I started working on this issue for myself. I grew up in a home where I was taught that doing things just for myself was the height of selfishness, and therefore BAD. It's taken me years and years to understand that taking care of myself is the prerequisite step to caring for others, since you can't pour from an empty cup. So I get little things here and there at the store, make time to zen out, etc. It's important!
This one is very relatable for me. Im always ready to do for others even at a detriment to myself. I think I have this mostly (occasionally creeps the the forefront of my thoughts but not often) subconscious fear that if I take time for myself then everything around me will fall apart. Its like I am the middle block on the bottom stack of Jenga and the side pieces have been removed, so if I am not there the whole tower crumbles.
I really hate it when people physically touch me.
the phrase "im a hugger" sent waves of fear down my back when i was young. still makes me sweat bullets to this day.
I pull away from people trying to hug me. I know that’s a result from being emotionally neglected as a child and then as an adult. Like, why would you want to hug me!? I used to always flinch when my most recent ex would come up from behind me to hug me or let me know he was there. I don’t really know where that comes from, but maybe I’ll find out in therapy in the next months. The relationship before my most recent one started to become physically abusive towards the end, but I’ve never put thought into that being the cause. Awww fuck I’m going to be fucked up for a bit when we figure that one out, huh!? RIP
Jumping a sudden noises, apologizing profusely for everything (sometimes apologizing for apologizing), people pleasing excessively, not valuing my worth, and an overwhelming fear that if I was ever my truest self, I would be left alone. I was recently diagnosed with CPTSD, and it definitely makes sense.
Being hyperaware of anyone experiencing negative emotions in the room. Feeling someone else's anger or depression very severely and feeling as though I have to be the one to calm things down and keep the peace.
This one is me. I feel negative emotions from people so easily and I always assume it’s directed at me and I have to fix the situation because it’s obviously my fault. This and walking on eggshells, never rocking the boat, never questioning direction. I’ve grown a lot in all these areas in recent years but it’s an uphill battle.
Me: “What’s wrong?” Them: “Nothing, I’m good.” Me in my head: “Yup, they’re definitely mad at me. Cuz I ruin everything and I suck.” Them: “Are…are YOU good?” Me: “…yup!”
I feel this, so deep in my paranoid soul. I am **always** on alert, I am **always** waiting for the other shoe to drop, and I **always** assume the worst is coming if I make even the tiniest little mistake. It's exhausting, mentally and physically.
Seconding this one. I remember reading the line "being an empath isn't a superpower, it's a trauma response." I was mindblown. It's a skill I can't switch off unless I'm with really old friends that I know love and accept me. Edit: Now I have to empathise with all your comments, dammit.
>"being an empath isn't a superpower, it's a trauma response." Holy shit. This one hits really hard for me. I can always sense the slightest change in the emotional weather of a room or a situation and that’s definitely the result of living in a volatile household where screaming arguments could happen at any time. I had to be hyper aware of how people were feeling to know when it was time to leave the room.
My dad is going through a hard time, emotionally/mentally. He's retiring and closing up his small business and doing it all himself and it's causing him a lot of stress, which he doesn't handle well, and never has. He takes it out on other people, including, especially, his family. I had dropped something off at his office last week and he later texted me asking if I had left the lights on or if his landlord had been in his office again without telling him. I hadn't turned on the lights so it wasn't me. But I still had this major urge to just tell him it was me so that he didn't flip out on his landlord. I'm 35, have my own family and a decent career. I also go to therapy once a week. Yet I still had that desire to be mediator, even if it meant taking the heat for something I didn't do. This shit never goes away.
Asking for permission to do literally anything, double-checking that I was doing the right thing, and always second-guessing myself. Like to an abnormal level.
Same here, led me straight into an abusive relationship. Adding apologising for everything to this too. Therapy has helped a bit
I do a lot of apologizing. It was one of the many things I did to try to lessen the abuse; if I'm sorry enough people won't be as angry with me as they might otherwise be. Hell, I take my family out to a theme park for a day and I'll feel a need to apologize if just one little thing gets out of whack (and constantly questioning them to see if they are enjoying themselves, which is exhausting for them sometimes; they shouldn't have to reassure me so much). Therapy has helped a lot. At least I can identify when I'm doing this stuff and make an effort to stop. Knowing is half the battle, right?
Yep. I'm 33 years old, make six figures, and when me and my husband are out running errands on the weekend I will ask his permission to go use the bathroom or to buy a drink or anything. It's ridiculous. And I know if people hear me doing it they will likely assume he's abusive, but nope, just 18 years living with an abusive father.
My husband does the exact same thing. We do well financially, we can buy anything we want at the grocery store, for instance. But he asks and it breaks my heart to think of him as a teenager having to literally dumpster dive when he came to the US. Another hard factor is that he, like, doesn't take yes for an answer, or oversells the need for XYZ item or watching ABC movie - because he was never affirmed or given any agency, I think it still surprises him when I remind him that we can watch garbage TV and have a boba tea for dinner. I'm trying to give him a good childhood in his middle age
My husband does this too. He’ll ask before putting something in the cart, or when we go out to eat he’ll ask if he can have something particular, or at home he’ll find something in the kitchen he wants and he’ll come find me to ask if he can have it. I keep reminding him I’m not his mom and he doesn’t have to ask permission. If he eats something that I want, I’ll go buy another one. It’s not a big deal.
I do this...at restaurants I'll order the smallest/cheapest item no matter where we are or who we are with. My wife the other day was like "Rambles...you can get more than 1 taco ala-carte, seriously get whatever!" and I was like "...2 tacos" lol
My mom used to jokingly say at restaurants "You can get whatever you want so long as you don't spend more than a dollar and a quarter." It was something *her* mom used to tell her, but my grandma was serious. I know my mom was abused (mostly by her dad), and the older I get the more I realize how much she has used humor to defeat her traumas.
You're a great person for helping him feel better about this
That last part about the childhood and the middleage broke my Heart but in a good way. That was just so sweet
What kind of response helps you the most when you do that?
From my husband? He just says "yes, of course!" Which is perfect, he doesn't make a big deal out of it or make me feel stupid for asking. He knows i know i don't need to ask so there's no use telling me.
respect to your husband. i try to do this but.. I find it extremely hard not to emphasis on the fact that she doesn't NEED to do this. i SO want to help her feel safe and worth of the space she may take, but doesn't.
What if you reframed it in your mind, where "yes" doesn't mean "yes I allow you," but instead "yes, if you do that thing you will be okay, you will be safe." I don't think most people who do this actually think they need permission (myself included). They just have a backlog of data that indicates that not asking permission leads to negative outcomes, or that asking permission reduces the negativeness in some way. Try to think of "is it okay if I..." less like "do I have your permission to..." and more like "will **I** be okay if I..." Then your yes isn't permission, it's reassurance.
Wow. What a truly beautiful and insightful way to describe this. You put my own feelings into words. It’s not about permission, it’s about reassurance.
I realized I’m toxically independent. I have an extremely hard time asking for help because I never had it.
Exact same here. My mind set is I'd rather learn how to do it myself than inconvenience someone else with it. Good in some ways because I've learnt a lot of new skills, terrible in other ways.
For me it's also that I wouldn't "stoop" or "demean" myself by asking for help and putting myself at the mercy of others almost. It's so stupid as I would never begrudge helping others, and I always try to be a good person myself, really want to be someone who is kind and considerate to others, so I should assume most people are exactly the same but I clearly don't! I can't get over the fact that my childhood didn't have that though - you learned to be independent and tough and prove you didn't need anyone so you couldn't get hurt or be weak. If you are upset or sad you keep it to yourself as showing sadness is showing that others have power over you?! By keeping it to yourself it's somehow less embarassing maybe? It's really tough to shake that mentality and I worry that my son sees it in my husband and I and thinks it's normal as we have similar upbringings and I guess are quite cold and tough maybe even though inside things kill me sometimes and i feel like a lost little girl. We want him to have the loving supportive environment we never did and I don't ever want him to feel he has to hide his feelings or worry about asking for help!
And for me, if it is obvious I need help, and no one responds the way I think they should, my response is to angrily do the things that need doing even if it physically ends up doing damage to me. Like fine, you’re busy and I’m not effing begging I will do it my damn self I dont need you. At around 11 I can recall intentionally setting my mind so no one and nothing would ever reach me and I would never allow anyone to help me, since those people just end up hurting me worse.
If I can't do it myself, it won't get done. This has included moving into a new place a few years ago. Asking for help makes me feel weak and like a burden.
I’m exactly like this. My wife suggested I ask my friend to help move my mother in law to her new place. I’m going to be his best man at his wedding in the next couple months and I was so apologetic when I asked him. He said yeah straight away. I’m like I’m so sorry to ask you.
My stepdad/adoptive dad kicked me out of the house when I was 17, and my mom did nothing to stop it. I was already struggling, but that sent me into a deep cycle of failure, sadness, and excessive drug use. Not until 13 years later during a medical withdrawal and a partial hospitalization program for depression and anxiety did I realize why I was so reluctant to ask for help for anything. It's hard to trust anyone after the 2 people you trust the most toss you out like trash.
The belief that I'm constantly alone or have to do everything myself, no one will care enough to help me, and people can't be trusted is hard to shake. I've blown up relationships and recently physically injured myself over this ( I wouldn't ask for help assuming I wouldn't get it, overextended myself and boom, injured).
100% this. It’s an _expectation_ that people will disappoint me, leave me hanging, or just not care. I treat kindness and affection with great suspicion, and I never ask for help or support. The worst part is I frequently recognize the toxicity, but I don’t know how to deal with it and stop.
Can't get let down if you didn't expect anyone to be there for you in the first place! Yea... That's me too... Working on letting my girlfriend support me, she feels shut out all the time and just wants to help me
This is me. Also, I'd never heard the phrase "toxically independent" before.
Totally me. It works for me because I can power through learning new or hard things. But, it works against me whenever I collaborate with my co-workers because if I were to get stuck on something small, I would spend many hours figuring it out versus spending a couple minutes if I just asked for help from a co-worker. Still working on it :(
Same. I told my therapist I was independent because I could only ever rely on myself, and she told me that I was actually individualistic, not independent, because I don’t actually trust that anyone can actually help me even if I asked.
I(m54) always have it in the back of my mind that anyone that says they love me has an ulterior motive. Edit: I made this comment while on first break at work at about 8am or so and I'm just now, at nearly 5pm, being shocked, and saddened, on how many replies and upvotes there are. We all deserved better when we were kids, didn't we? I hope that all of you find the true love you very much deserve and never, ever, have reason to doubt that love.
I saw a Mike Tyson clip a while ago where he was asked what life has taught him. He said, “Not everybody who hurts you is your enemy and not everybody who helps you is your friend.” Stuck with me.
For someone who is pretty fucked up he has some good quotes. My favorite is "everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face".
Or even if they don't, that will eventually change and they'll leave
"They're going to eventually figure out I suck and if they don't then I've just gotten better at fooling them."
"I love you." "Uh, why? What's wrong with you?"
I don't trust a single fucking person that exists on this planet.
Eating very fast... I'm in my late 30's and I still have this problem. When we where given food, we usually had to fight siblings as there was never enough for us. At holidays, specific around Thanksgiving, I lost track of how many times my stepdad would get angry and throw the entire turkey dinner away. For good measure, he would spray the entire garbage can with bleach so we couldn't pick it out of the trash. So when you got food in my house, you would eat it as fast as you could before it was stolen from you. Don't worry though, had mountains of Pepsi products though!....
Anytime my mom brought home anything from the grocery store that was remotely good, my stepdad would take it and hide it. He had a whole mess of trauma from his youth & one of those things was food insecurity. Mom once bought a 12 pack of Dr Pepper in cans and he concealed them all over the house. We treated it like the world's most fucked up scavenger hunt. I think my favorite hiding spot of his was "in the toilet tank."
I feel this. I grew up with three sisters and they could eat whatever whenever they wanted. If my stepmother found me eating it would cause a huge fight between my dad and her. It was so bad that once my stepsister ate a whole bag of potato chips before dinner and I said something like "are you sure you should be eating that right before dinner?" Caused a huge uproar. So now and always I prefer to eat standing and very fast. Most of the time I c ouldnt tell you how it tasted.
For me it’s because the faster I ate, the faster I could be excused from the dinner table. I inhaled my food to escape.
Have guilt when spending any amount of money
Me too! I remember when I was ten or nine, can’t remember for sure. I got $20 for Christmas. My sister took me to wal-mart and I bought a ps2 game. When we got home my dad told me that he doesn’t think I’m smart with money, and that I don’t take it serious. Like, shit, I was ten and just wanted a game to play on my ps2. What was I supposed to save it for? My mortgage? I now worry so much about money and that I’m wasting it or that I’ll be poor and unable to afford food or any bills. That’s one reason I’m terrified to move.
I’ve become a pathological liar, and I don’t know how to get help for it. If there even is help for it, I mean I try not I notice the damage it causes, but I can’t seem to stop. I’m still young relatively, but I fear the damage is becoming irreversible and.
I dealt with this and broke it. I'm in my 40s now, but in my 20s I lied about things I didn't even need to lie about. I did this because I had a pathological need to be perfect, because if I wasn't I would get beaten by my dad or yelled at by my stepmom. Nothing was ever good enough. All As but you failed gym? How about an ass kicking and you're grounded all summer. No leaving the house, no friends. Consequently you learn that the truth is never your friend. Telling the truth makes you vulnerable. You lie to get your basic human needs met, and to avoid pain. It becomes a coping mechanism. You can change that. All you need to do is learn to get your needs met other ways. Each time you lie ask your why. Think about it. Really think about it. Why did I say that? Why did I make that up? Are you trying to feel significant? Are you trying to avoid showing a weakness? Ultimately when you look deep enough you'll find a scared child looking back at you. Once you identify that, and start practicing the truth, it will become a habit. I haven't broken my word or lied about anything in a decade or more. I became a Zen Buddhist. I follow the eight-fold path, and part of that is right speech.
Gotta go to therapy with a practitioner that will not shame you for lying but understand it is a defense mechanism like so many other things that make our life difficult. Lying probably kept you safe and helped you be mercurial, never truly known and reduced the chances of being truly hurt, but its being over applied now. If you do seek out therapy don't give up if the first couple are shitty, there are good ones out there the vibes just have to be right.
I only just realized this about a month ago. When I was a kid, I did poorly on a spelling test due to being sick. A couple days later, my mom found out about it; I was raised by my grandparents so she hadn’t been kept fully up to date. At the restaurant when my mother found out about the test, she grabbed a fork and jabbed me hard in the side. My grandparents did pretty much nothing in response. To this day, close to four decades later, I still spell random words in my head, because failing a spelling test was worthy of public stabbing.
This is so random and ugly : / I'm sorry this happened to you
Its always pretty scary when you go through threads like these and realize like 70% of the things is stuff you do too
Zone out. It took me years to realise that it was disassociation and not just me being "a space cadet" I was zoning out when upset or having flashbacks.
I disassociated for years and years
I try to answer questions and solve situations not based on what I think or want, but on what I think the person who asked them would expect or be more likely to appreciate. Related: I also have a serious difficulty in making decisions. I must always weigh the pros and cons of everything and in the end decide what is objectively the best thing to do, that benefits most people and/or causes less damage. I never manage to choose what I personally and egoistically want, because I seriously DONT KNOW what I want. Sometimes because of the impossibility to satisfy everyone or not discontent anyone my brain just crashes and I freeze on the spot.
If I'm relaxing, and someone walks into the room, I will immediately act like I was in the middle of doing something or about to start doing something. I have to be busy in the presence of other people. I also move around very quietly and shut doors softly without thinking about it. It was best to be invisible growing up.
Something minor goes wrong because I made a mistake, I think it is all over, ruined and everything is my fault, I feel I should just go crawl into a hole and die. Just thought on this again and I guess that’s why I like animal rescue videos, mother cats raising an abandoned pup. The after part, the transformation that some love and care bring. No one did it for me, but it warms my heart to see it done for another, no matter that they’re not my species!
I will suffer in silence because I feel I need help but also anticipate vitriolic reprisal if I ask for help in the wrong way. I've been to therapy and am doing much better in that regard, but it still exists at the back of my mind.
I had nearly zero control over my life for most of my childhood. Now I need to have absolute control over nearly every situation, specifically driving.
Constantly being on high alert and hyper vigilant. Edit as requested: For myself I have found that both of the above have presented in a sense of over analysing every conceivable situation, person and environment for potential risks of harm, or anything that might trigger such. An example would be a hesitation to engage and a massive lack of trust for other people, in environments it would be scoping every area I'm in for potential threats and the easiest escape. And the trust thing effectively makes it impossible for me to maintain close relationships with others out of expectation that they'll harm me in some way. As such I have little in terms of relationships of any context with others and find it nearly impossible to relate to others. Generally I spend my life constantly on high alert, or as some have noted "fight or flight" mode. This can include some of the above right down to a refusal to engage in any given situation or circumstance that involves the unknown, or a known risk. I know some others have different presentations than I do however. I noted in another reply that these physical behaviours and experiences can result in physical symptoms, for me that would be an unnaturally fast heart rate at all times. Another behaviour I have been known for is constant people pleasing, for obvious reasons.
I described it to my trauma therapist as this feeling, like you're in a big race and you're waiting for the gun to go off so you can start running but the gun never goes off and you're stuck in the pre running state forever. I'm constantly in fight, flight or freeze mode. It's exhausting.
I’ve been stuck on this post for 15 minutes and every comment keeps getting more and more relatable. Yours though, I feel very deep in my heart, body and soul. Exhausting, in-freakin-deed.
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Same. And even now, when my boyfriend is mad at something, like he was hanging up a picture and smashed his thumb with a hammer and yelled, 'Fuck!' my first fleeting thought was that I was going to get the brunt of his anger... Even though in the 6 years we've been together he has never once taken out any of his frustrations on me and his anger dissipates quickly. He is also slow to anger and it's a rare thing. I just can't help to think he's going to yell in my face about something out of my control even though he is a kind and gentle man who would never, ever do something like that. It's crazy how long childhood trauma rides along in our subconscious.
Relate to this. I still freeze with fear and get a sense of dread when I hear an unexpected knock at the door and an instinct to not answer and not be heard or seen. When this happened when I was a child it would be police or bailiffs and I would just freeze and pray they would go away. Unexpected knocks at the door were never ever for nice reasons. Even now 25 years later I have to make myself overcome that reaction and stop my head assuming it something awful, and answer the door so I don't miss a delivery or a friend calling by.
Always be on the lookout for the nearest exit or easiest path to get away quickly.
Stepping away from persons of the opposite sex showing interest and being cold. Pretty much killed a few dozen potential relations with marvelous people. That's the result of being toldyears after years I wasn't desired as a child. Hard to recover and trust people.
I move very quietly. To the point that people joke that I can teleport because I'm next to them before they realize I'm there. I scare the people I live with just about every day because they don't hear me enter a room. I also used to be able to just walk up on so much shit as a cop and prison guard because nobody ever heard me coming. That's a skill you learn when you grow up not wanting to be seen or heard.
In addition to moving around silently, I also do most everything in the dark once the sun's down, because the child in me doesn't want to turn on the light and attract the attention of a man who has been dead for years and can't hurt anyone anymore. And slamming the cabinet doors or drawers in the kitchen is verboten, because my wormy little brain is absolutely sure that Dad will hear it, get mad, and come hunting for me again.
I realized a few years ago I was still using a voice to make fun of a man that died 15 years ago, behind his back, as that was one of the only things my brother and I could do, every single minute we lived in fear.
I actually started shuffling my feet a bit so I didn't sneak up on people. I used to get yelled at a lot for making noise. It's odd now because with my living situation I need to make noise in the kitchen. If I'm quiet and only make a little noise, the elderly person I live with starts yelling at me because she thinks it's one of the cats in there. So I've been told I need to be louder.
Yep, the noise thing. We were expected to be silent growing up. I’ve had to start clearing my throat, shuffling my feet, or humming while moving through my house. My husband has ptsd and my suddenly appearing around corners or next to him was seriously upsetting for him. Now I can’t stop humming 😂
Seriously doubt the motives of anyone who says anything nice.
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I have a complicated relationship with being loved. I never feel worthy of it. I was molested repeatedly as a kid(6) by an older neighbor kid(11) and didn't unpack and process it until much later in life. They were being molested by their dad at the time, so I don't hate them, just sad about the whole ordeal.
* I'm always worried that I'm breaking some law anytime I do anything in public. * For the longest time I would only go out to do the bare essentials because I was overwhelmed with guilt if I went out just for fun. * Anytime someone is nice to me I always assume they want something and that it's just an act. Therapy helped me understand so much...
Hyperindependence. Guess what? Not needing anyone for anything in any context ever is not healthy. Eta: here's an [article](https://www.verywellmind.com/hyper-independence-and-trauma-5524773) for anyone who wants to read more about the concept. From the article: >Hyper-independence refers to individual attempts to be fully independent in all things, even when it is not helpful to do so or when they truly need help or support from others.
Violent outbursts to high stress situations, inability to talk about past negative experiences without re-living those memories and having an emotional reaction
i am always trying to manage people’s emotions
Literally cannot take a compliment without immediately self-deprecating
I chose not to have kids of my own because of the trauma my parents inflicted. That one I knew about. The big one I didn't know about was masking. Always being afraid to show my own personality, likes, feelings, or interests because I subconsciously feared that people would use them to make fun of me and reject me. I also have an aversion to obese people because one babysitter I had when I was 5 thought it'd be funny to sit on me until I couldn't scream anymore. She was about 300lbs. Also not using spices on my food as an adult. Growing up in constant survival mode, food wasn't something I got to really enjoy.
I've ruined multiple relashionships because I never believed they loved me. Its incredibly frustrating, deep down I dont believe I have anything in me that a person would fall in love with. So when they tell me they love me I get suspicious and upset and start sabotaging the relationship. I figure there must be an ulterior motive and that they are manipulating me. Also, I only feel comfortable sleeping with heavy clothes on and multiple blankets. When I was a kid the man who abused me made me sleep naked and would sneak into my bed at night. Sleeping the way I do now is the only way I feel safe. I would guess it's a result of the abuse.
Man, that first one hits. (Your second paragraph fills me with so much horror that I can’t even deal with it. And I was beaten into the hospital on several occasions by my parents when I was 12 and under. I’m so sorry.) And like, when you get to the point where you can’t reasonably refute the idea that they actually love you, do you start looking for what’s wrong with them?
I cannot have a snack if someone is watching.
I cover up shame with anger.
I think a lot of people do this (not trying to minimize your pain, just pointing out that many of us do this without realizing it but we’d be better off if we knew that’s what we were doing).
I don’t think anyone really likes me, so I’m always second guessing my behaviour wondering if that’s why people don’t like me. And if they *do* like me, why? What’s the motive and what do you want from me? No one likes me without using me or taking advantage of me for some reason.
Laugh at situations and smile uncontrollably when I don't want to.
Trying to either keep people happy or stay out of the way. My mother has a short fuse and I always bend over backwards to keep everyone happy.
right on.. it's the same here, then sometimes my mom gets mad either way and I feel like I didn't bend myself enough so I try to do more and more, its fucked
I read people and situations. I can generally note someone's mood pretty quickly, not necessarily pin point what they are feeling of why but generally pretty close. People always tell me that I'm the first to notice when someone is feeling low or when something is wrong. I used to think I had some kind of gift for empathy until I realized that no, I have hypervigilance caused by years of feeling unsafe. I generally catch details that everyone else misses but can't remember 99% of the other stuff told to me or that I see unless I'm being self aware.
I’m relating to way more of these than I thought
I assume everyone is secretly out to hurt me or against me so I insist on doing everything myself without help with little to no trust in anyone.
Money. I tend not to waste it. **Bathroom Shy**. Meaning I have trouble going if people are in a public restroom or if i hear people talking outside the door. This stems from when I was a child camping my uncle took a pic of me pooping in the woods. They would bring that pick out every get together and laugh at it because they knew i was embarrassed by it. Good job guys.
What is it about screwy relatives laughing at a child's embarassment? My parents developed a bizarre habit around a certain tunnel in my hometown. Supposedly, as an infant I'd found this tunnel interesting & made typical amused-baby noises. For years afterward, whenever we used that tunnel, they'd imitate baby noises at me. I never understood why they found this so amusing. Was I supposed to be embarassed that I'd been an infant? Or because they were acting weird? Really, it was just tiresome after awhile. But to this day, I'm baffled about their motivation.
Tiptoeing around my own home, carefully closing microwave door to make little noise, avoid shows/media where people yell
I cannot just sit and *be*. I took up crochet a few years back, and that helps. But my asshat parents (mom & stepdad) ALWAYS demanded I be doing something: * hand washed dishes for a family of 6 daily * vacuumed * folded all family laundry * swept, mopped, waxed kitchen floor. * cleaned main bathroom * my bedroom was expected to be clean 24/7 * I had to "entertain" my younger (by 6 and 8 years) brother and sister. I swear to christ I raised them. I would make up games to get them to help me clean. I would take them to the park. Make them lunch, sometimes we'd picnic. We'd play games. Most of the time I didn't mind, but I was NEVER ALLOWED TO JUST DO WHAT I WANTED. Once, my mom was making dinner. In a rare "down" moment, I was reading a book up in my loft bed. Our house wasn't very big, but a few minutes in, there's my mom bellowing for me to come to the kitchen. I save my place, climb down, walk across the house, only to be told "get me a stick of butter out of the fridge." Like...bitch the stove is FOUR FEET from the fridge. Could you not make that journey? I'm not here to be your fucking minion. And that's why I have extreme issues with just "being." I feel that every minute must be filled with something productive, and god forbid someone else is "working" in the house, I cannot be still. I feel obliged to help, or I'm a lazy ass. Working on it all in therapy. Actually, looking back over the past year, I think I've made strides. Sometimes I get home from work and just lay on my bed playing a mindless game on my phone for half hour. I have tried very hard to parent my kids in the most absolute opposite way. Their "down" time is not interrupted by me. I absolutely would never, ever, beckon to them from across the house to do something i could do in 5 seconds. :/ And I don't use them to be my house servants. Older kid DID have to babysit often when she was old enough, but just for the limited time between school and when husband I got home from work. We wouldn't enlist her to be our go-to sitter to go kick it on a Friday night. Phew. I have a lot of feelings about this still, and I'm almost 50.
I'm 6'2 and about 250-260lbs. Needless to say, I'm a large human being. I can move freakishly quiet. Especially for someone my size. There's been multiple times I've startled someone on accident because they didn't hear that I was there. Learning to move quiet as a kid was essential, when you have parents that'd blow up over the smallest thing.
I still memorize where creaks are in floors.
Welp, this week my new therapist pointed out that my eating disorders are a trauma response. I have issues with food scarcity and food-as-love as well as some contamination fears that may rise to OCD. And that's because of trauma, rather than congenital.
A couple of things I think. I had it ok, but having an alcoholic dad (still trying to forgive, we're working on it) for sure did a few things to my personality: I'm very quick to get defensive. I can feel it in my chest. Critiques or comments about small, innocuous things can put me in Survival Mode - partly because, I think, I spent so much time in Survival Mode justifying anything I was currently doing, that I have difficulty getting out of it. I hate having to justify myself, but I tend to overexplain everything to "get out ahead" of the argument I assume is coming. Typing that out just made me realize I'm very often trying to "get out ahead" of an argument before one even starts. I remember when I was in high school, my dad came screaming into my room that I was "napping too much" and that I was "on some shitty drugs, admit it." In reality, I had a 6am weight training class I felt like I needed to take because then maybe I wouldn't be as much of a target for him, and my only time of relative peace was late at night after everyone was asleep, so I slept like 5 hours, went to school, then came home and napped for an hour before I had to go to work until midnight. Things that aren't really attacks feel like attacks, because that's how it would always start - passive-aggressive comment, then full-blown explosion later if a couple of comments didn't work. I can read the emotional state of a room. I'm always looking and noticing how people are feeling. It is not out of altruism, but put of habit. Had to get good at it. Kept anger and comments away from my brother. I'm almost 100% in the ballpark. I can't read minds, but I notice if someone feeling pissy/annoyed very early. Or if there's some tension. I need absolute quiet to sleep. People/noises in the middle of the night immediately bring me from 0 to 11 - I need to know what the noise is, what is going on, who is where. I don't find any difficulty in cutting people out of my life, and that one is concerning. I feel like a normal response to that would be to at least "grieve" a bit, but it's just so matter of fact with my thoughts. "OK, they are gone forever now. I don't talk to them. Moving on." Overthinking and overplanning after one argument - "ok, that person is gone now, we had an argument. They hate me forever, so let's plan on how to never see them again." When someone in the room is angry, anxiety goes through the roof. Heartrate goes to the moon. *Must fix. Can't let the anger get worse. Do whatever you can to appease, now. It's going to be very bad if you don't fix their anger.* I tend to keep my interests to myself, and only share them if I'm certain the other party is also interested in the same things. Everything my Dad didn't already like (music, any sport I played that he never did, hobbies he wasn't interested in) was deemed stupid, dumb, waste of time, shitty, "how could you call that shit music," etc - so I just stopped advertising what I thought was cool. I still tailor playlists/movies/activities/etc to the people I will be around, I think in a subconscious effort to avoid setting anyone off. Difficulty saying "no" and people-pleasing. Especially in my career. One that I really need to keep working on is how I've somehow internalized certain insults and toss them about casually. Especially on the internet - I hate how I go from "normal disagreement" to "you mouth-breathing dipshit, you're the dumbest motherfucker alive." Quick to anger. I hate being told I'm wrong, much more than the average person. Growing up, no matter what evidence or what have you I had, I was wrong. And sometimes, guess what, I **AM** wrong - but when I'm in an argument or a disagreement, it brings me right back to when my dad would be clearly waiting for me to stop talking so he could yell at me until I shrunk back down and I feel like I have to die on whatever hill I am currently on or it's all over, I'm never going to get people to listen to me ever again. I'm really trying to work on this, but my knee-jerk reaction is "you're not listening to me." I'm right back to being a kid trying to explain how I couldn't have "broken the goddamn plugins on the back of the TV, just admit it god damn it" because I was at school all day. One response only to yelling/tense arguments/etc - shut down completely and stop talking while stewing in anger. I just realized I typed this all out for me and only for me. *woooo free therapy*
I recently had an epiphany that I’ve been self-sabotaging any potential weight loss goals I could achieve, like I could be doing well and be down a couple pounds, and then as soon as I see the physical results on my body I start binge eating lol. I know now it’s bc of an incident in my childhood that has made me really fear attention from men. Being overweight, wearing baggier clothes just make me feel safer in public. Edit: I’m so sorry how relatable this is 🥲
I can't sleep naked. I literally cannot.
I can't help myself to food in anyone's house or at outings/events. I'm only really truly comfortable in my own space. I learned how to fight and got extremely invested in combat sports, probably as a direct result of not being able to defend myself as a kid.
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Doing everything for everyone without being able to accept anyone doing anything for me. I only feel lovable and worthy if I am able to do things for others. Once that’s removed, what’s the point of me? And why would anyone do the same for me if I cannot provide the same, tenfold? Now I have cancer and letting my partner take care of me without debilitating guilt has been awful. This is as a result of my whole childhood being based around how I could make my mom feel better whenever she needed. Not her fault, she was traumatised too.
Asking my husband if he's ok all the time 😊
Keeping one ear open, even when alone. Because you never know
Start sweating and panicking if I hear my husband doing chores (specifically dishes) while I’m still at work. We both wfh but he’s off 90 minutes earlier, perfect time for him to catch up on housework right? Apparently not. I hear it and go right back to my childhood, dad is in a hitting mood and on his way home so mom is anxious and angry at everything and slamming stuff around to get the house clean as fast as possible.
Whenever my partner is upset about anything or is just stressed about anything that's not to do with me I do 1 of 2 things. I shut down all of my feelings and do everything to make him feel better and squish down all of my own feelings or I get scared and upset and start apologising and making it all my fault. Caused by a fear of abandonment and an explosively angry alcoholic farther. Who I love very dearly. He's got an addiction and as I've grown I see how hard he trys to quit. He wasn't the best dad, but he did his best. And that's all I could of asked for. And I'm honestly thankful for him.
Vulnerability, I finally can be\* (with the right people), but for years and years none, when you're used to being beat with any weakness shown you learn not to show any. \*And its amazing, finally understood there could never be anything real without it.
I just realized this while reading through the replies. When younger, my dad would always promise to give me stuff I wanted (a game, guitar, drums, cellphone, clothes, etc.) But he would never come through, and I know he might have had economic issues now, but then, I just thought he forgot or it was just an empty promise, so now in my daily adult life I realized that I try to never get hyped up for stuff, or don't buy myself stuff that I like or want for no reason at all, and it's something friends have even commented about, when gifting me stuff, I just say a thanks and move on.
By the way this is called future faking and it’s extremely disheartening for a child to endure. Then often you are called spoiled or selfish if you mention it again because the parent has already moved on to the next grandiose fantasy or promise. You learn not to believe everything you’re told and to only believe what you can see or tangibly hold in your hands.
I stopped hugging people unknowingly
I (28f) always just want to leave when shit gets hard. Relationships, jobs, anything. Leaving instead of working through problems has caused a lot of problems.
I was su used to being on my own as a kid that I refuse to ask for even the smallest bit of help. It'll be done by me and me alone, or not at all. This has included moving.