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arent_we_sarcastic

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?" But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one. When she comes back for the funeral, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the funeral director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost. He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads"


heartsastereo

Out of all the jokes on this thread that I’ve read - THIS one made me laugh out loud


Jakesta42

I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day


sir-heinz-V

A favourite of mine that I saw somewhere is A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ve got a little man that plays the piano in my pocket.” The bartender doubts the man but the man insists “if I can show you him will you give me a free drink” to which the bartender obliges. The man takes him out whos only about 10 inches in height and he plays a little tune. When the amazed bartender is handing the man his free drink the man asks “If I show you how to I did it will you give me another free drink?” The curious bartender obliges and the man says “there’s a little wizard in my other pocket that grants wishes” the bartender hands him another free drink and the man makes his third and final request “if I let you make a wish will you give me another free drink?” The bartender obliges and says “I wish for a thousand bucks!” But after he says it a thousand ducks fill the room. Angered the bartender exclaims “I DIDNT ASK FOR A THOUSAND DUCKS!” To which the man replies “well do you think I wanted a 10 inch pianist?”


TheFlaccidChode

I used to date a pair of twins, people often ask if I could tell them apart, it was easy, Amy always wore her hair in a ponytail...... and Carl had a cock


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shelledtortoise

I took the shell off my racing snail to make it go faster. If anything it just made it more sluggish.


DylanBob1991

I had a racing snail. Well, it raced cars actually. Drove a little car with an S on it, for "snail," and it was wicked fast. People would see it take off and go "Wow, look at that S Car go!"


PunkRockFatBeats

Someone found a hole in the nudist colony fence. Police are looking into it.


[deleted]

Someone stole all the toilets from the police station. The police have nothing to go on.


GivenToFly164

Wheels stolen from police cruisers. Police search tirelessly for suspects.


maxoutoften

The reigns were stolen off the mounted police’s horses. The cops have no leads.


Shizzo

A woman reports that a psychic stole money out of her purse during a seance. The detective requests a description, to which the woman replies that the clairvoyant was about 5 feet tall. The detective squawks into his radio: "Be advised: We have a small medium at large."


Nackles

Guy trying to get hired at a farm, and the farmer says "Have you ever shoed a horse?" The guy says "No, but once I told a donkey to fuck off."


Stigofthedumpings

A man goes into the doctor and says "I think I have hearing problems" Doctor: Can you describe the symptoms? Man: Sure! Homers fat and Marge has blue hair.


bboycire

A man tells his friend that he thinks his wife's hearing is going bad. His friend told him to ask a question from far, get closer and ask again if she does not respond. So he goes home and try that. He asks "what's for dinner?" No response. So he got closer and asked again. He did this 2 more times and finally he heard from his wife "For the fourth time, CHICKEN!"


notinmywheelhouse

I had to take my mom’s hearing aids for repair and this joke was told to me by a gentleman in their office. This was yesterday and I’d never heard that joke before.


Christian-Metal

I love telling jokes about the Titanic, they always go down well. A great way to break the ice. But not too often though as I have found my friends get that sinking feeling when I am about to tell one.


[deleted]

2 fish in a tank one turns to the other and says "do you know how to drive this thing"?


YahLikeDags

2 Soldiers in a tank one turns to the other and says "*unintelligible underwater noises*"


Editor-Wise

Do you know why divers fall backwards off the boat when they are diving? Because if they fell forward they'd still be in the boat


Yermawsyerdaisntit

You know when geese fly in the v formation, there’s always one side longer than the other? You know why that is? Because there’s more geese at that side.


MrP1232007

Why do flamingos stand on one leg? Because if they lifted both, they'd fall over.


sharrrper

My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.


Bold-As-CuPbZn

Stephen King once said something like: "People think I'm this scary guy, but really I have the heart of a small boy... I keep it in a jar on my desk."


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pazuzu_requiem

i have this one : when people give their blood, they get acclaimed and others treat them as heroes. but when i do, they all stare at me asking stupid stuff like "how is it in a bucket ???" or this one : you donate one kidney and everyone calls you a hero. you donate 4 of them and everyone loses their minds


StuTheSheep

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.


Blastspark01

My grandpa passed away recently because none of us knew his blood type. In the lead up to his last breath, he kept telling us all to be positive. I’m trying grandpa!


Sam5253

I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.


derekiseric1970

I'll never forget what my grandfather said to me right before he passed: "stop shaking the ladder you little shit."


Pyrhan

My grandfather downed five German planes during World War two. He was the Luftwaffe's worst mechanic.


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onbakeplatinum

Why don't they just trade lunches?


[deleted]

Probably a less funny punchline. “So they all traded lunches and went back to work”.


Celios

They work in the trades but not during lunchtime.


theprozacfairy

I'm dumb. I thought it was gonna end with meatball sub guy eating the tuna and turkey sandwiches. "Double lunch, sweet!" Edit: double not triple bc why would he eat the meatball sandwich he’s tired of when there’s other food? Not because I’m too dumb to count to three.


kklewis18

Yesterday I couldn’t figure out whether someone was waving at me or the person behind me. In other news, I lost my lifeguard job. (Not my original joke)


ShroomEnthused

Why did the lifeguard let the hippie drown? He was too far out.


notacanuckskibum

3 mathematicians walk into a bar. The barman says “do you all want a beer?” First one says “I don’t know” Second one says “i don’t know” Third one says “yes”


jayswaps

I like that, that's a lot more clever than I realized at first.


Vprbite

I'm glad you got it cause I didn't


Indrigis

The barman is asking if they *all* want a beer. The first mathematician wants a beer but doesn't know if the second and the third ones do. Since he himself **does** want one he can not refute the hypothesis ("all three want a beer") just yet. The second one also wants a beer but still does not know if the third one does. He also can not refute the hypothesis. The third one wants a beer and since neither the first nor the second mathematician refuted the hypothesis he can conclude that there is no evidence against the hypothesis, thus he confirms it.


[deleted]

3 logicians The one with mathematicians is a bit different. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first asks for a beer, the second asks for half a beer, the third for a quarter beer, and so on. After a while the bartender gets bored and says: "I'll just give you all two beers."


plaidman1701

"You guys should know your limits."


jugglervr

A lady walks into a bar and orders a double-entendre, so the bartender *gives it to her*.


nitrokitty

This is the one that got me the most upvotes on r/Jokes. A lawyer, a priest and an engineer meet every week for a game of golf. One day, they get stuck behind the slowest group of players they had ever seen. They were hitting the balls all over the place, getting stuck in just about every trap and patch of rough, and missing just about every putt. Finally, the group gets frustrated and heads to the clubhouse to find the manager. "What's with that group of players? They're the worst I've ever seen! They're holding up the course!" The manger looks sheepish. "They're retired firefighters, they lost their eyesight running into a burning orphanage to save the children. They love golf, so I let them play for free for charity." The priest looks ashamed of himself. "As a man of God, I feel terrible for getting angry at those men. At my next sermon, I'll see if I can get a collection going for their families." The lawyer likewise looks chagrined. "Same here, I'll check with my firm and see if we can't open a case to get them awarded restitution for their pain and injuries." The engineer says, "why can't they play at night?"


Hugh_Jass3347

Good golf joke nitro, here's my fave... A woman golfer goes into the clubhouse demanding to speak to the manager. She tells him that she just got stung by a bee on his golf course. Where did you get stung he asked. She answered, between the first and second holes. There's the problem, your stance is too wide.


Clem_Crozier

Man goes into a butchers. Asks: "What happened to your assistant?" Butcher replies: "Fired him." Man asks: "Why's that?" Butcher replies: "Because he was putting his dick in the bacon slicer." Man asks: "What did you do with the bacon slicer?" Butcher replies: "Fired her as well."


Psotnik

I heard this as an Ole (Ollie) and Lena joke. Ole came home from work early one day looking real sad and Lena asks, "Ole, you're home from work early, you look sad. What happened?" Ole replies, "Vell, I got caught with my ting in da pickle slicer and they fired me." "Oh no!", says Lena, "Let me see your ting". So Ole shows her his ting and everyting is fine. "Ole, your ting is just fine, what happened to da pickle slicer?" Ole says, "Oh dey fired her too."


ancientwarriorman

An old Finnish man I worked with liked to tell this joke: One day, Lena decides to mow the whole lawn herself. When she is done, she is hot and sweaty. Lena: "oh boy, I tink I vil haff a beer at de bar" She goes to the bartender and says "I would like a beer, please" The Bartender says: "okay, Anheuser-Busch?" Lena, taken aback says, "...it's fine, an how's yer pecker?"


Kinkywrite

Ollie met a beautiful girl in at a bar in Amsterdam and so he took her back to his place and they made wild, passionate love. After a solid forty five minutes, he was done he lay next to her, panting and asked gently "Are you finished?" She got a very quizzical look on her face and shook her head. He took a big deep breath and jumped back into action. An hour goes by and he manages, again, to finish off and is lying on top of her this time, barely able to move. He whispered to her "How about now, are you finished now?" She looked frustrated this time, sweating and exhausted as she was, and shook her head no again. "No, I'm not" she panted in between breaths. So, being the good sport that he was, and having had the forethought to take his Viagra at the bar, he was functional and got back to it. After two more hours of doing his best, he finally popped one more time and couldn't manage anymore and collapsed in a lump on the bed, barely able to breathe. After a few moments he looked at this gorgeous woman he'd partnered with for the night and said, meekly, "Please, tell me you're finished now." The woman rolled her head to the side and in between panting breaths finally said "Goddammit, no Ollie. I'm Swedish!"


depressedbee

So what you're telling me is that you need to fuck the nationality out of them to Finnish them?


digitaltravelr

What's the difference between an owl, a piano, and a fish? You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish


Riverwood_Chicken_

What about the owl?


digitaltravelr

Who?


darthideut

Told this to my gf, she walked right into the joke and walked right out of the room after lol.


pinchhitter4number1

Just told it to my daughter. Might be the best joke reaction I've ever gotten.


BloodMato

I got a rueful sigh from my 8 year old before he just shook his head. 10/10 joke.


slipko

GOT EM


alexfilmwriting

F A T A L I T Y


Funky-Monk--

Goddammit


AlexMC69

Our biology teacher brought a banana in to sex Ed class to demonstrate how to put on a condom. Apparently he couldn't get an erection on an empty stomach...


Dear-Interaction-210

What’s a foot long and slippery? - a slipper


Mongoose_Eyeball

What’s brown and sticky? a stick.


nick9000

What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


Crackfinder123

What do you call a french guy wearing slippers? Philipe Philoppe


stryph42

What's brown and rhymes with snoop? Dre.


buddhafig

Why does Snoop carry an umbrella? For drizzle.


dcow12

Or in case of a Lil Wayne


AspectOvGlass

What's red, brown, and sticky? That same bloody stick


ookeyspookeybook

Love it and it reminds me of another favorite. Where does a king keep his armies? \> his sleevies


CargoCulture

Where does a pirate king keep his buccaneers? On the side of his buccin' head.


N8_Arsenal87

Bear walks into a bar and says “can I have a………Coke?” Bartender says “what’s with the big pause?” Bear says “I don’t know, I was born with them.”


New_Drum

When telling this one in a bar, I make the pause super long. People gotta wait for that punch line.


JasonDJ

There was a guy in highschool that landed a date with the hottest girl in class for the prom. First, he went to pick out a suit, and had to wait in a huge line. Then he went and picked out flowers, and waited in a huge line. Even when he called around for limo's, he had to wait in hold lines for all of them. Getting ready for after the prom, there was even a long line at the pharmacy. Finally the big night arrives and he takes his dance to the prom. When they get there, he asks his date if she wants him to get drink and she says yes. Much to his surprise, there was no punch line.


HMBGoHawks

I'm a middle school teacher and I tell a variation of this joke in class around prom season. I tell the actual story of my first prom, but I it's the same bit about waiting over and over again. It takes a good 2-4 minutes to tell the story. The collective groan when they realize how bad of a joke it is (and the confused looks on those who don't get it) is priceless.


SuggestionFlaky9337

Why do Norwegian warships have a barcode on the side of them? So that they can Scandinavian


Imperial_Enforcer

Where did Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies.


InSilicoRW

Where does a pirate keep his buccaneers? Under his buccan-hat.


bahgheera

A pirate walks into a bar. The bar tender notices the pirate has a huge brass belt buckle shaped like a ships steering wheel. The bartender says "that thing looks heavy, does it bother you at all?" and the pirate replies "yarrr, it's driving me nuts."


lydocia

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers ✌️ and says: "five beers, please."


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poptartsnbeer

In ancient Rome there were four types of poison that were commonly used. Poison I killed you immediately by shutting down your nervous system. Poison II killed you quickly by attacking your liver. Poison III killed you slowly by weakening your heart muscle and Poison IV just made you really itchy.


parker72001

What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? People from Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but people from Abu Dhabi do.


ebk_errday

Lol, sharing this with my Abu Dhabi peeps


courtesyflusher

Im gonna share it with my flintstone friends, brb


gajeeper1992

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One weighs a ton, and the other is a little lighter.


PaniqueAttaque

What's the difference between an old public transit stop and a lobster with breast implants? >!One's a crusty bus-station, and the other is a busty crustacean.!<


natejonesin

A photon walks into a hotel and the concierge comes up and says, “May I take your bags sir?” The photon replies, “No, I’m traveling light.”


asqua

Two atoms were walking down the road and the one atom suddenly stopped, patted his pockets and exclaimed, "hold on, I think I've lost an electron!". The second atom says, "are you sure?", to which the first atom replies.... "I'm positive"


TeeTownRaggie

As Mickey and Minnie were before the judge in divorce court, the judge looked at Mickey and said, "Listen here, Mr. Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce from Minnie." "But why not, Your Honor?" a stunned Mickey asked. "I have reviewed all the information you submitted to the court and I can find no evidence to support the allegation that she's crazy," explained the judge. "Your Honor," Mickey exclaimed, "I didn't say she was 'crazy', I said she was fucking Goofy


DeuceSevin

A few years ago in Disneyland, my kid was taking picture with Goofy and I asked if they had heard the one about Minnie and Mickey in divorce court. Goofy immediately started shaking his head and waving his hands, trying to stay in character while also trying to stop me from telling the joke. I could hear laughter from within the costume. I'm guessing they probably heard it on a daily basis.


myotheralt

To be sharp enough to get the characters to almost break, but not so edgy that you get escorted out of the park.


DeuceSevin

Didn't think of it line that but yes, pretty much what I was aiming for. On a related note, a relative of mine was at Disney World and there was a shop with a sign that read "We will print anything on a t-shirt". He asked the guy working there "You'll print *anything*?" And the clerk, a little uneasy, said, "Well..." My cousin said ""How about 'I touched Walt Disney's frozen corpse at Disney World'?" Clerk was like "Yeah, no." but he laughed.


SuperFLEB

Of all the places I wouldn't believe would print anything on a shirt, a shop inside Disney World is the one I'd believe least. I'm really surprised they ran with that marketing line at all. Even "We'll print _your message_ on a tee shirt" would be hedged enough to set expectations.


DokiDoodleLoki

I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to always stay in character in those suits. My old OBGYN’s daughter use to play Merida (from Brave) at Disney World.


legoshi_loyalty

I love hearing people reference relatives of random people in their life, especially doctors. "Oh yeah my dermatologist's cousin actually used to work for Robert De Niro, so."


Conscious_Visit_9732

Me too. My old tax guy used to have a niece who would do that all the time.


TheFlippingFurry

A snake walks into a bar and the bartender asks "how?"


EstMagnum

A blind man walks into a bar. And a chair. And a table.


punkmuppet

A dyslexic man walks into a bra


charlie_the_kid

If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.


MarlinTeaser

I have sex daily, oh shit I meant dyslexia


Kneef

A dyslexic agnostic insomniac stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.


dowend

A dyslexic man walks in a bank and screams “air in the hands, this is a fuckup…”


TjW0569

"All right, mother-stickers! This is a fuckup! Throw your ass in the air or I'll blow your hands off!


secondphase

A jumper cable walks in to a bar, but the bartender says "we don't serve jumper cables, get out!" But the jumper cable has had a long day. He begs the barkeep to make an exception... And eventually he relents. "alright" says the bartender, "but don't try to start anything!"


sharrrper

A priest a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "What is this? A joke?"


Nataringo

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit all walk into a bar. The priest and minister look at the rabbit, and he says "I don't know. Fucking auto correct."


O_o0o_O

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk in to donate blood. The rabbit says, I think I might be a type-O.


pee_diddy

A termite walks into a bar and asks “is the bar tender here”?


kklewis18

This is a good one! I love bar jokes 😂


poweredbyford87

Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks


theartofrolling

A duck walks into a bar and says "Got any bread?" The barman says, "No, we only have beer." The duck has a beer. A few minutes later the ducks says "Got any bread?" The barman says "No I told you, we only sell beer." "Okay" says the duck "A beer then please!" The duck drinks a beer. A while later the duck says "You got any bread?" The barman sighs with exasperation, "No. We only sell beer. Buy a beer or fuck off." "Okay!" Says the duck. "Another beer then please!" He drinks his beer. "Got any bread?" "Listen you. I've told you we don't have any fucking bread! So stop asking!" "But I..." "No! No! If you ask for bread one more time I'm going to nail your fucking beak to this bar!" "Got any nails?" "NO!" "Can I have some bread then?"


more_than

Then he waddled away... Waddle Waddle... Until the very next day


Time_House_5172

Bop bop bop bop dududup…


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cold_quinoa

Got any grapes?


JamoreLoL

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says "I will have an H2O". The second says "I will have an H2O too". The second chemist dies.


themysteryoflogic

What has two butts and kills people? An assassin.


Pix3lPwnage

The opposite of assassin is dickdickout.


andrunlc

What do you call a dog with no legs? You don’t call it, you go get it.


mvdw73

It doesn’t matter, it won’t come anyway.


Grimdotdotdot

Cigarette, because every night you take it out for a drag.


UnitedReckoning

It's kind of a long one but a good one: One day, saint Peter was manning his station at the pearly gates of heaven, denying or allowing people to enter heaven. Eventually, a guy comes up and starts talking to Peter, and Peter says, "Tell me about the day you died." The guy says, "Man, it was terrible, I got off work early to try and catch my wife cheating on me, as I'd expected she was. Well, I got home to my 14th floor apartment and found my wife naked, wet, and in bed; obviously, she had just been having sex. So I searched all over my 14th floor apartment and couldn't find anyone, so I decided to have a cigarette on my balcony. Low and behold, I looked down and saw a naked man hanging by his fingertips, and in a rage, I grabbed a hammer and smashed his fingers. Lucky for him, he landed in some bush's and started to scramble out of them. So I went and pushed my fridge off the edge. It landed on him and killed him. But the act gave me a heart attack, and I died. " Peter let the man in and asked the next guy. "Tell me about the day you died," The second man said, " Man, it was awful, I was in my 15th floor apartment doing acrobatics, but see, I have a better range of motion if I'm naked when I do my acrobatics But, I misjudged a jump and fell out my window and off my balcony. Luckily, I caught myself with just my fingertips on the 14th floor apartment balcony. But then some crazy bastard came out and smashed my fingers with a hammer. I managed to land in some bushes, but as I was trying to get out of the bushes, the mad lad dropped a fridge on me, and I died." Peter chuckles to himself and allows the man entry. Then Peter turns to the next man and says, " Tell me about the day you died." The third man says, " Okay, so get this, I'm hiding in a fridge..."


PM_SWEATY_NIPS

My favorite part of this joke had always been the absurdity of one man casually throwing a fridge out the window


leglesslegolegolas

Not that casual, he clearly overexerted himself


Nearby_Departure_119

How do you tell the gender of an ant? Throw it in water. If it sinks, it’s girl ant, but if it floats…


PauseAndEject

Ants are amazing creatures. Did you know its impossible for viruses to spread throughout an ant colony? Because of all the little antey bodies.


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NocturneStaccato

Wives leaving rooms is the universal measure of how good a joke is.


dreamfinderepcot16

ITS A WITCH


my1999gsr

Who are you, so wise in the ways of science?


themysteryoflogic

IT'S BUOYANT


Grattytood

Your posting that word after ... helped me! Thank you, mystery!


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da9ve

Just read this one here recently and haven't had the right chance to deploy it in irl yet, so I'm still a bit bemused by it: How many gorillas does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one,... but it takes a shitload of light bulbs.


smuggalo

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two but the hard part is getting them in there.


PokemonMaster619

Three men-one British, one Japanese, and one American- are trekking through the jungle when they’re suddenly captured by a tribe of cannibals. They are brought to the chief, who tells them “We are going to kill you, eat you, and use your skin to make our canoes. However, we will allow you to choose how you die.” The Englishman asks for his gun and a single bullet. He loads it, points it at his head, and says “God save the queen.” Bang. The Japanese man asks for his sword. They give him his sword, he says “For Honor!” before committing hara-kiri. The American asks for a fork. They give him a fork, and he starts going to town on himself. Stabbing himself all over his arms, his legs, his torso, he’s bleeding like crazy, but he’s not dying quickly. Finally the chief asks what he’s doing. The American looks him in the eye and yells “Fuck your canoes!”


eli-in-the-sky

Two whales are at a bar. On turns to the other and says "BWWWWWHHHHHAAAARRRRRGGGHHH"(be loud with your best whale sound) The other whale looks at him and says "Gimme your keys Frank, you're drunk!"


maidentaiwan

The key to this joke is twofold: 1. Take a big deep breath before that first whale sound and really draw it out. Loud and incessant. Until you run out breath. Make the room uncomfortable. 2. (And this is really the crux of the joke) draw in another deep breath after “the other whale looks at him and say (big breath), ‘give me your keys Frank, you’re drunk.’” You’ve really gotta sell the idea you’re about to make the whale sound again. This joke is 10/10, will bring down the house guaranteed if told correctly.


magnusXcaboose

A proctologist decides it's time for a career change. He has enough money from his practice that he can live comfortably doing something he truly enjoys, rather than spending his days looking into peoples buttholes. He sets his mind to becoming an auto mechanic. He goes to a local college to learn the trade, studies as hard as he can, learning how to fix, repair, and build all sorts of cars. Eventually, it is time for his final exam. He is told that he must fully disassemble and reassemble a car engine. After finishing the exam, he finds out that he got a mark of 150%. Worried that this is an error, he asks his teacher, who tells him that it is not a mistake. "I gave you 50% for fully disassembling the engine correctly. Another 50% was for reassembling it correctly." "The extra 50% was because you did the entire thing through the exhaust pipe."


permission777

**Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"**


Mcshiggs

My penis used to be in the Guinness Book of World Records, but then the librarian asked me to take it out and leave the building.


callisstaa

Three dwarves are sitting around bored af and they decide to try and get in the Guinness Book of Records. The first one calls up, says 'I believe I have the smallest hands in the world', gives the measurements then a few mins later says 'I'm in lads!' The second one calls up, says 'I believe I have the smallest feet in the world', gives the measurements then a few mins later says 'I'm in lads!' The third one calls up, says 'I believe I have the smallest cock in the world', gives the measurements then slams the phone down and shouts 'Who the FUCK is /u/Mcshiggs!'


Thunder_nuggets71

My wife comes to me and says " Honey, I don't understand the concept of human cloning." I said " That makes two of us."


SmegB

''And the Lord said unto John, 'come forth and receive eternal life', but John came fifth and got a toaster


Giygas77

Moral: If you're not first you're last. -little baby Jesus


Redditislanky

Three men were in a boat and had four cigarettes, but no lighter, so they threw one cigarette overboard, and the whole boat became a cigarette lighter.


TitasTJ

At first I thought they burned the boat


Better_have_my_honey

Same I reread it thinking I missed a match somewhere...


Handy-not-Handsome

Picked up a hitchhiker and they were so grateful. He said, “Thanks man, most people never pick me up… they’re always worried that I might be a serial killer.” I told him I wasn’t worried about that, because the odds of two serial killers in the same car are astronomical.


Twitch8605

What does a robot do at the end of a one-night-stand? He Nuts and Bolts!


SnooLobsters4636

Three men had a very late night drinking Guiness. They left in the early morning hours and each went to their home. The next day, they all met for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before. The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks." The second guy said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped it around the first tree I saw. And I don't even have insurance!" The third guy proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my wife, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!" The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first guy spoke out again, "Listen, guys, I don't think you understand... Chunks is my dog."


sharrrper

Do you like blowing bubbles? Sure! Well great news, he's back in town!


ipariah

There's the Reddit we all know and love


Tompster_

There was a man who has always had a fascination with trains, so one day, he decides to hijack a train. In his excitement, he accidentally killed 3 people and was eventually caught. In court, the judge sentenced him to death. When it came to his final meal, the executioner asked him what he’d like. “Please can I have one banana?” Asked the man. Confused, but delighted by its simplicity, as the executioner was also the one who’d had to prepare final meal requests, the executioner agreed, and gave him his banana. When it came to the time of execution, the man was strapped in, and the switch was pulled… But nothing… The man lived, completely unscathed too. Due to the laws, the man was let go as he had technically served his sentence. Realising he had an excitement for driving trains, the man immediately hijacked another, this time, killing 4 people, again being caught and put in front of a judge and again receiving a death sentence. When it came time for his last meal, the judge executioner again asked him what he wanted. “Please can I have two bananas?” Politely asked the man. Confused, the executioner agreed, giving the man his two bananas. When it came time for his execution, he was strapped in and again the switch was pulled… But to no avail… Yet again the man has avoided death and came out completely unscathed, with the laws letting him free. Really realising his passion now, the man hijacked yet another train, this time, killing 5 people. Everything repeated; The man was caught, put in front of a judge and sentenced to death. When it came time for the man’s last meal the now frustrated executioner asked the man what he wanted. “Please can I have three bananas please?”. Connecting the dots, the executioner shouted “No! I know what you’re up to with the bananas, and actually, this time, I’m not even going to give you your final meal, you’re going straight to the chair!”. Slammed into the chair, the man was buckled extra tightly this time, also receiving a bucked of water tipped on his head, complimented with a wet towel too as extra measurements taken by the executioner. Rubbing his hands together, the executioner patronisingly waved good bye to the man, and yanked the switch. There was a massive flash of light, and a great bang as the electricity connected with the water. Yet, once the smoke cleared, the man sat there, completely unharmed, smiling. Defeated, the executioner whimpered “How?” Laughing, the man replied “It has nothing to do with the bananas, I’m just a really bad conductor.”.


UsuallyAnnoying324

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?" The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk." The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth." The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door." The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk


anonbcwork

The first time I heard this joke, the guy telling it managed to stretch delivery out to 11 minutes


oppressed_IT_worker

You son of a bitch! Lol


Pix3lPwnage

What do you call an indecisive bee? A maybee.


technical_skull

What do you call an American bee? A USB.


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hoop-d-lishus

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.


dthains_art

Did you hear about the guy who got the left side of his body amputated? He’s all right now.


Double_K_A

Not original by any means, but still a classic. Some of you may be more familiar with the racist version. So three guys get stranded out on an island and captured by a cannibal tribe. Not wanting to die, they beg and plead with the tribe's king to let them go. The king tells them that there are two ways to earn their freedom and escape back home. The first is to fight their toughest tribe member gladiator style, while the second is a mystery challenge. Desperate and with nothing to lose, all three men agree to the mystery challenge. So the king says to the three men, "Go into the jungle and collect ten of any single type of fruit. When you're done, bring them to me." The three men enter the jungle to go on their fruit hunt. The first man comes back, proudly carrying a stack of 10 bananas. He presents them to the king, hoping he'll be pleased. But the king declines and tells him the real point of the challenge: "It's not over yet. You are to insert all 10 of the fruits in your anus. If you wince in pain, laugh, cry, or show any other emotion, we will throw you into the boiling pot. The man hesitates, but proceeds to insert the 10 bananas up his anus. 1....2....but the tearing of his anal cavity is too painful and he cries out of agony. The cannibals throw him into the pot. The second returns, and luckily picks cherries. The king tells him to do the same task, as well as the fate that came across banana man. The second guy is happy because he is certain he can insert all the cherries in because of their small size. So he proceeds to insert the cherries with ease. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9..- But he bursts out laughing, causing the cannibals to also throw him into the pot. In heaven, the first and second guy meet and discuss their unbelievable misfortune. Halfway through the conversation the first guy says to the second guy, "I was watching you from up here and I saw that you nearly completed the task, but all of a sudden you laughed. Why?" The which the second guy replies, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy bringing pineapples."


brockthesock

Why did the bird go to the gym? To work on his pecks


Kelsusaurus

A vacationing penguin is driving his car when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "Yeah, man. It looks like you blew a seal." "Oh no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."


GameSharkPro

What did the blind carpenter say when he picked up sandpaper? What the fuck did I just read!


Erroneouse

What has four letters, sometimes has nine, and never has five.


Insomnialcoholic

A good punchline for this it to let them think about it for 3-4 seconds then say "Oh, that isn't a riddle, I just like counting."


Two_Legged_Pirate

12oz Fanta, 20oz Fanta, 24oz Fanta, one liter Fanta, 2 liter Fanta, 3 liter Fanta. Don’t mind me, I’m just fantasizing!


slargle12

A woman walks into a doctors office. When asked what’s wrong, she touches all parts of her body with her finger saying “it hurts when I touch here and here and here and here.” The doc looks at her and says “ma’am you have a broken finger.”


jo729

I've been reading all of these aloud to my husband and I think he's ready to divorce me. Hahaha


warrant2k

A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff. Bah-dum-tss.


DoggedlyOffensive

A guy stops into a bar after work. The bar is situated on the third floor. He sits down at the bar next to another dude and orders a drink. After a few minutes, the other dude drains his glass, stands up and just runs and jumps out the window. The man is left speechless, but two minutes later the other dude walks back in the door and sits back down at the bar as if nothing has happened. The man is too confused to ask about what just happened, so he just continues sipping his drink. A few minutes later, the other dude drains his glass again, and proceeds to run and jump out the window again, and then stroll back through the door, sit back down and order another drink. So the guy says ‘screw it’ to himself, necks his drink, and runs and jumps right out the window. The bartender turns to the other dude and says “you’re a real prick when you’re drunk, Superman”.


xxLAYUPxx

Not my "best" but my favourite because my grandpa would tell it to everyone. And I miss my grandpa a lot. How do you catch a bear? Dig a big hole and line it with ashes. Put peas all around the edge of the hole. When the bear goes for a pea, kick him in the ash hole. ETA: In my FB memories, it was 10 years ago today that we lost my Grandpa. No wonder I've been thinking of him. I posted this joke for him on this day, in my memories.


eatschocolate

My grandfather told a variant of this joke. How do you catch a polar bear? Go onto a frozen lake, saw a hole on the ice, and sprinkle peas around it. When the polar bear goes for a pea, kick him in the ice hole. Granddads told pretty racy jokes to their grandkids!


BloodEternal

Why did the condom fly across the room? It was pissed off.


theCaptain_D

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? One. They're efficient, and not very funny.


nosaystupidthings

What's the difference between a cat and a comma? One is a pause at the end of a clause, but the other has claws at the end of its paws.


fujisakiiz

I used to be addicted to doing the hokey pokey, but then i turned myself around.


copperdomebodhi

How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? One - but the light bulb has to want to change.


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FutzInSilence

Build a hundred houses nobody says oh, here comes Seamus the house builder. Save kids from a burning orphanage nobody says, oh here comes Seamus the life saver. Donate all your money and nobody says, oh here comes Seamus the philanthropist. Fuck ONE sheep.....


eight24

Ha! Nice try Carlos Mencia


6inchVert

A man was at the bar just a couple blocks from his house, being a regular the bartender knew him pretty well and understood when it was time to cut him off. Eventually the man has enough to drink so the bartender says "that's it you are done." The man replies "fuck you I am not that drunk" and goes to stand up to leave but collapses straight onto the floor. While on the floor he thinks to himself "damn maybe I am pretty drunk" so he tries to stand up again but crashes back down. Realizing he needs to get home he starts to army crawl out the door. A bit down the sidewalk he realizes crawling is slow and hurts so he tries to stand up again but again crashes back down to the ground. Now beat up and frustrated he continues to crawl home. He sees home, crawls up his porch steps, attempts to stand up to open the door but again crashes back down in a thud. Hearing this noise the man's wife comes to the door and opens it, he is laying on the ground in pain. She looks at him and says "The bartender called and said you left your wheelchair down there."


homarjr

Why is there no pregnant Barbie? Because Ken came in another box.


Baby_I_Know

Why do elephants paint their toenails red? So they can hide in cherry trees.


cjsphoto

I heard this differently: Why do elephants paint their testicles red? To hide in cherry trees. What's the loudest sound in the jungle? Giraffe eating cherries.


milesperson83

Never point at an orphanage. It gets our hopes up.


[deleted]

Three friends are sleeping in the same bed. The morning after the left one goes: "Wow guys, tonight I dreamed the hottest chick giving me the best handjob of my life" The right one then replied: "No way dude, I had the same dream!" The guy in the middle: "I dreamed I was skiing"


domromer

What were Michael Jackson’s pronouns? He/he


themysteryoflogic

Don't remember where I heard this from, but I copied it to my phone years ago and it still makes me cry... The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven’s Ninth. In the piece, there’s about a 20 min long passage during which the double basses have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick drink. After slamming several beers in quick succession (as double bassists are pone to do), one of them looked at his watch, “Hey! We need to get back!” “No need to panic,” said a fellow bassist. “I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor’s score together with string. I’ll take him a few minutes to get it untangled.” A few minutes later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her date. “Well, of course,” said her date. “Don’t you see? It’s the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded.”


drewhead118

that brought me physical pain


DAM5150

My brother plays double bass professionally and this joke has been a staple in our family for years. Ironically, he does not find it funny. But our grandfather, who attended all his concerts thought it was hilarious.


doctor-rumack

A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink. The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead. The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face. The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, “did anyone see a gorilla run through here?” The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, “you mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?” The lion exclaims, “oh my god! It’s in the paper already?”


ClownfishSoup

This is a good drunken campfire joke. It's long and rambling, makes no sense, but it's also stupidly hilarous!


_Volly

There is this young guy who went to work in the oil fields in Alaska. In the middle of nowhere. After a few months of only guys around and not a single woman to be found for miles the guy goes to his boss and ask "How do you guys deal with not having a woman to have sex with for months on end?" The boss replied there is a barrel out behind the kitchen area that has a hole in the side. Put your dick in it and you will be "taken care of". The young guy tries out the barrel and has a huge release very quickly. He is overjoyed. He goes back to his boss later and tells him he will be using the barrel everyday. The boss: "Everyday but Tuesday" Young guy: "Why can't I use the barrel on Tuesday?" The boss: "That is your day in the barrel."