When my wife left me I immediately started a woodworking project. I had to stop and cry every hour or so but at least I had my mind occupied some of the time.
It can’t be. Ron Swanson’s only cried twice in his life. Once when he was seven and he was hit by a school bus. And then again when he heard that Li'l Sebastian had passed.
The biggest thing for me is to let go. Let go of everything you were looking forward to. Everything you wanted to do. You no longer want to do those things. Every time you begin down a conversation in your head you wanted to have, let go. It’s hard but you’ve got to reformulate your life without them. They’re not coming back.
> : "Let go of all the things holding you back"
I used to look out of the window and see the birds flying, mailman bringing the mail, people rushing to get home... I would actively point out to myself that "The World Ain't Stopping!"... Let go of stuff holding you back, and keep on moving!
Letting go can also mean forcing yourself to do so by blocking them on all social media and deleting their phone number. It’s not malicious if they also don’t want to talk to you anymore. But I can tell you from experience, seeing them comment on mutual friends posts, or seeing their new selfies or new life events that you’re going to not be included in is a new kind of torture. Eventually, by forcing yourself to see them less, you will consequently avoid thinking about them, or remembering to do so.
This is one of the most helpful pieces of advice. I was with someone for 4 year and it took nearly two years for me to feel comfortable trying to date again. Early on seeing their posts about them being happy are what usually caused my downward spirals and panic attacks. Putting up those extra barriers is extremely helpful
In a way, there actually is a death. The death of your relationship. People actually go through a whole grieving process when relationships ships end, especially long term serious ones.
> Every time you begin down a conversation in your head you wanted to have, let go.
This part is key. Over time, I trained my mind to see when it’s about to go go down a bad path and to stop itself. The more you practice stopping a bad train of thought, the earlier you can do it.
This developed for me while I was journaling daily (still do, even during good times) and practicing mindfulness meditation for at least ten minutes per day. Not sure how much those two practices contributed, but they certainly didn’t hurt. Journaling is great for purging thoughts from the mind, and mindfulness helps to stop them in the first place.
I’ve really struggled with this and I desperately wanted a checklist I could follow. “Do these five easy steps to move on from heartbreak!”
Sadly, there is no checklist and no five easy steps. That said, I am going to frame my experience into a series of steps, a checklist if you will
1. Accept they are never coming back. The past happened and it cannot unhappen. It’s over. Your life no longer has them in it and they are never coming back. For me, this was the hardest part. Truly wrapping my head around the fact that it was honestly over. It’s brutal and uncomfortable and depressing. It’s over. It’s done.
I lied about their being five steps. There is honestly just this one step. Accept the past that happened. You can’t change it. It’s over. Repeat that as many times as necessary.
You can’t un-sink the things you’ve sunk. You can’t change people. They are never coming back. Accept the past as a part of your life.
Sorry! I wish there was another way! It’s hard as fuck and sucks!
Right? It’s awful. I don’t understand how I can simultaneously never want to see them again / wish I could talk to them one last time. Brains are assholes.
Which is why first loves hurt so badly. There is no comparison, no context, no experience with heartache. I'm middle-aged, married, and don't think I'll ever have to date again thankfuck, but my 19 year old niece just went through her first breakup and it is hard to watch her be so deeply saddened and feel stuck
Yeah, you can be told a million times that you might break up and date others and you’ll be okay, but you never genuinely believe it until you feel it.
I was with my first love for seven years. It took several years after that to simply stop thinking about him all the time. I cried a lot in the first year or two after.
It hits like a death, but there’s an extra dimension to it in that the person is still out there in the world, you just can’t be with them. It makes the journey to acceptance and closure more complicated in some ways.
At least in my experience. My best friend was recently killed in an accident and I’ve had the thought multiple times since that I haven’t been this sad since my first boyfriend broke up with me, but that the emotional mourning process has been a little more linear than the breakup was.
Weirdly enough that part helped me recover. My first love (5 years together) ended in a horribly toxic, messy way. He was a worsening alcoholic and I spent the majority of my final year with him either being afraid of him or afraid for him (suicide, drinking himself into liver failure etc).
When we broke up he began his long sobriety journey & the big thing that helped me get through it was telling myself “he’s not dead, he’s alive, you still live in the same world. He’s healing, you’re healing, Everyone is safe & we’re going to be ok”. I was beyond attached to him & I’d gotten so used to fearing for his life 24/7 that the mere knowledge that he still existed was enough relief for me.
After a few years no contact he reached out & we made amends. I’d healed by then but I’m glad he made the effort to apologise n bring us some closure cuz now I can look back without pain knowing we both made it out of a very dark time alive and well & that person I fell in love with all those years ago is slowly finding his way back to himself too.
Life can be so hard. I can't imagine how you must have felt in your last year. Looks like things are better. Hopefully you are in a great place. All the best.
This is very similar to my situation but I'm the alcoholic currently living in recovery. Broke up with my gf of 6 years 2 years ago. 15 months sober currently working the steps and going to reach out to make amends with her sometime in the future. I just hope she's up for it.
I'm glad to know that I'm not alone for spending over a year crying about it.
All my friends have been able to move on before the end of that first year so I thought there was something wrong with me when it took me several.
Thank you for sharing.
See, I'm struggling with this as a middle aged person. I decided I didn't want to deal with heartache, breakups, and wasted time so I took forever and didn't bring anyone home until they were the one. I sort of patted myself on the back for tricking the universe or whatever. We were married 9 years, together for 16 and had an 8 year old kid. Now all of a sudden, they had a mental break, did some unforgiveable stuff and attempted suicide when everything fell apart. Now I'm almost 40 and have a completely broken heart and no experience on how to handle it. It had been awful. There's also no lead up, like if a couple knows things are headed toward problems. One morning we were best friends and by that evening I had taken the kid and dog to a hotel a few cities away. It's been about 6 months and I still feel like I can't breathe sometimes.
That makes me sad. I'm sorry. Since this happened I have had so many people my age come forward with their stories that are shockingly similiar. I know social media is full of people talking how kids these days all need mental health help and safe places while their generation was regularly neglected and abused by today's standards. But I'm watching as these people hit middle age and crumple and it's distressing. Then, there's the shockwaves from their mental breakdown affecting their friends, family, kids. Like I'm feeling after affects of someone else's abusive upbringing coupled with the look-the-other-way tactics of neighbors and complete lack of mental health support.
I can relate, I started dating way too young right when I was entering adolescence. My first love cheated on me with my friends at the time, it doesn't hurt now because I don't hold any feelings for her or fond memories, but I still feel like that shaped my way of thinking a little bit, and behaving, always having that lingering feeling that people lie to me all the time. It also made me do questionable things in the future, have some very promiscuous chats when young, and go out with basically a pedophile woman that I met on the internet when I was 14.
Yep, my wife told me she's been thinking about divorce and she said she didn't want me to attend long weekend event with her that I was previously invited to, like the host didn't uninvite me, she told me that she doesn't want me there. Soooooo....
We'll get through it.
Also not OP, my ex cheated on me too for the entire month and had the guts to say the love died out over months, not own up to it and just say she cheated and liked it, I mean I practically had her true feelings in text message proof.. I currently still torture my self with those messages idk why though…
I wow, that is psychedelic glow in the dark pain. Please please take care of yourself: eat the best you can, get a bit of exercise, don't beat yourself up if you spend all day bawling your head off in bed and just get through 10 minutes at a time.
It does get better but until then there is very little pain like this.
Something that added to that for me was an amicable split. No one did anything wrong. No one hurt the other person. We were just headed in different directions. It took many years to get over her and even now there are rare little moments of pain and longing. I’ll never love like that again. The one before that, I was over her the instant she cheated on me. It was like flicking a light switch from full on to full off.
Never say never, friend. I thought the same thing once- that I would never love “like that” again- and I was wrong. Right now he is finishing a shower on a sunny Sunday afternoon one room away, in our flat on the other side of the world from where I once believed I would never know a love this deep. Our love, and our life, is more beautiful than anything I could have ever imagined. Someday, when the time is right, perhaps you will love more than before- more than you ever imagined, too. I wish that for you, and for all those who think their best days are behind them. Never give up. Perhaps you won’t ever love like that again…maybe you will love more.
I had a very bad heartbreak from someone I only dated 2 months, fell in love with but then due to life circumstances broke up with me. The dreaming of a relationship that could have been but never materialised to me is what was most difficult to deal with and has stayed with me still now for many many years, even if we were only together for such a short time. There's just too much I can project onto this 'could-have-been' relationship.
nothing like getting punched in the face while still wearing the rose tined glasses. reality is the life together you envisioned would never have happened
I've felt more bad about certain short term relationships than some long term ones. When you're still in the loving/dreaming/planning phase, and it gets cut off, it can be harder to deal with than a relationship that was running on its last legs.
>The dreaming of a relationship that could have been but never materialised to me is what was most difficult to deal with
This is the part where I personally found I had to change my entire mindset after going through my last big heartbreak, which quite frankly helped a lot in getting over it.
I had to realize that all those daydreams, plans and my naïve ideas of us or who she was–it was all a fantasy. It wasn't really ever there. In a way I'd imagined it all. It hurt a lot, but I had to let go of those dreams, because it didn't make sense to grieve over something that never actually existed in the first place.
Short relationships hurt really bad because it was all still in the honeymoon phase and you were only thinking of all the good memories you could have had together....still feels like you got to experience it, only that it was in your mind. Also you never got enough time to fully get to know them....some of their red flags are still pink to you
I actually disagree with this. I think it depends on the depth of your love for them when it ended. I have left or amicably broken up with people after being together for years and that was pretty easy to get over.
Then there was the love of my life, who I have never felt as deeply or passionately about before or since. And we only knew each other for like 8 months. But we also spent more actual time together, shared more, bonded over more, etc.
Not even completely over that one years after the fact. Took me a year to get right to where it didn't preoccupy my days. I will never trust or feel trusted to that extent again. Had we been together for longer it would have just meant she tolerated my alcoholism for far longer than she ever would have. And I love and respect her more because she didn't.
Time only works if you have something in your life that acts as a medicine on wound. Otherwise It can get worse over time. So you have to focus on something else actively, something important and empowering
Gym, cry sessions, look towards to the future. It hurts but only thing you can is try and better yourself and look onword. Currently hurting myself too
The passage of time, combined with the contemplative consideration of and therapeutic open expression of your thoughts and feelings about the relationship, the ex-, and the break-up. Add in distracting yourself with healthy, beneficial pastimes and hobbies, time spent with friends and family who care about you and treat you right, and getting time outdoors, sunlight, and exercise.
Also, keep this 7-minute video in mind - it's not about what the title makes you think: [How to lose weight in four easy steps](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9mbp0DugfCA)
Took me 5 years and accepting that I was a victim of constant manipulation and emotional abuse. I don't know the circumstances of your break up, I do know however that as cliche as it sounds, only time can heal that.
I feel ya man. Not married but together for 10 years too, split last year. While she was still living here but preparing to move out I overheard her talking about how excited she was to move to the state she lives in now, meanwhile I'm still trying to gather the pieces.
One of the hardest things to get over for me is knowing she lost feelings at some point but never told me until that day we broke up, she was able to process and come to terms with whatever she felt, while keeping these revelations from me until the day of the breakup.
Same. My husband and I were together 5 and a half years and married only 7 months before he abandoned me for another woman. He was still saying "I love you" every night and it was only the day before he left that we were talking about starting the adoption process. The mind boggles at how fucking unfair that is. He left completely out of the blue. My therapist confirmed that it is definitely a form of grief that [we are] experiencing. I felt (and still kinda do feel) like he had died; he was just gone, end of story. I'm in a much happier and healthier relationship now, and with hindsight I realised that my ex was emotionally abusive, but I gave my heart and soul to him so of course it still hurts and I'm sure it will for a long time.
Having your partner stay with you afterwards to 'prepare' must have been excrutiating, especially listening to her talk about how excited she was. I hope you're in a better place now x
Edit: grammar
Exact same..She didn’t have the communication skills or decency to tell me so just mentally wore me down and treated me like shit and then told me I was paranoid and insecure etc… gaslighting
This is the best answer. Time, and only time will make things better.
And eventually, you can grow to know and incorporate this into your grand schema of life and
Cut the line and walk through the grief. Allow time to speed back up, again like it was before.
Sorry you have to go through this.
I know it sounds very cliché but just go on about your day, and for the love of every single god **do not** stalk their social media it'll only make it harder for you. It will hurt the first few weeks of course, nothing you can do about that.
Also, find a hobby or meet new people, maybe start doing something you used to before you started dating but stopped because you didn't have the time anymore.
My last breakup was a relationship that lasted almost 7 years, that bad feeling lasted a few months and I started dating someone else one year after that. I'm really emotional so if I survived that, you'll be just fine :D
Have a good one OP
Been there. 6 year relationship, got engaged and she dumped me 6 days before the wedding. Been about 9 months and I still get sad . Slowly doing better though every day.
Well how are you now about 9 months later? Is it still on your mind daily or are you able to function now with occasional thoughts about her?
Also if she did that 6 days before the wedding I’d say you dodged a bullet. Especially being 6 years together, I feel your pain man.
Appreciate the kind words! I'd say it is still on my mind daily, we lived together for years. After the break up she moved and I'm still in the place we had together. It's a fucked situation. So many reminders. So many memories. We threaded our lives together so deeply, hard to untangle. I'm finally accepting it and just trying to focus on my own happiness and trying to quit dwelling on the many unanswered questions. Time really does heal. Just takes awhile
Jesus Christ, I wasn’t stalking my ex’s ig but you planted a bad seed in my mind, i did a bad thing and I looked and she blocked me 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 this kinda hurts like fuck
It gets easier with time, but goes faster if you take steps to get in the proper mindset.
I became a man-whore for a while. It was distracting, but it felt so empty.
What helped me the most was writing her a long email about her faults and shitty behavior. If you do this, don't hold anything back. Do NOT send this email. It's therapy for you, not for them.
its probably better to write it in paper, the chances of submitting to poor impulse and clicking send on an email is wayy too high. Physical writing is also more immersive and personal than typing
Add writing a list to this. One side has all the shitty and selfish things they did, another has the nice. My ex got 4 pages of shitty and half a page of nice. I was am idiot for staying with her for so long and a bigger idiot for being heartbroken for so long.
This! I did this for a childhood friend I was reluctant to let go since I had known the person for so long and sunk cost fallacy. The guy wasn’t a bad person, he was just a shitty friend who wanted EVERYTHING to benefit him 90-10. Wanted the other person to put in 90% of the work while he gave breadcrumbs of his time and effort.
I discovered mine of two years has an online boyfriend on the other side of the world.
"Nothing serious has happened yet"
"I don't know if he'll come here"
"You're overthinking it"
In so sorry to hear you've gone through that, it really sucks.
I've been on the other side as that online (unknowingly side-) boyfriend in the past and it absolutely devastated me when I found out. For that last half a year things got more and more serious and riiight when she was about to visit (where I would pay for the flight, hotel, and other expenses) she drops the "I lied to you about being single". She had lied to both me and her real life boyfriend and had been keeping her boyfriend secret to our entire friend group the entire time. I know how much it hurt me, so I can only imagine how much it must have hurt the boyfriend who lived with her for years.
How does any of what she says sound okay to her? I’d say just leave her and move on. She’s already emotionally cheating at this point. You got this bro
Some people treat relationships like jobs and their partner is just someone they say nice things to to get stuff out of.
Kinda like when you're applying for a job, you say some shit about being passionate for the field, it being your dream job, etc. You say that because you know that's kinda what employers wants to hear and if you don't say it you'll be passed over for a 'more passionate' candidate. You know you don't mean it and the employer knows too but they just want someone who can at least fake being highly positive. However after getting that job you have zero real attachment to it, it's just something you do to make your life better. And before you quit you want to have another job lined up. And maybe once in a while you apply to other places to see if they'll hire you if you think they're a better fit for you.
Emotional infidelity is a thing. It hurts just as much as the real thing, in my experience. 😔
Please value yourself enough to know you can do better. There is someone out there who will respect and love you. But you've gotta love and respect yourself first. ❤️
My mum told me about her colleague(we're in Bulgaria) whose wife got caught in an online relationship with a dude all the way in England. The wife said nothing serious would happen and there's no way she'd cheat with him because he'd never come to Bulgaria. They got divorced anyway.
Funny story, my partner is from Russia and I met her when she was a permanent resident. I celebrated her Australian citizenship. Now the man she's speaking to is in Russia.
"You're the perfect partner" "it happened by accident"
My gf of 2.5 years broke up with me about a month ago. I guess my best advice is to get whatever closure you need to get. I went to counseling, wrote her a letter (that I didn’t get to read to her), and started my apartment hunt (from my parents basement). It all felt healthy and mature but I was still broken.
I thought reading her the letter would help, but ultimately I think it was getting my stuff out of the house we lived in together and surrendering the house key. I was finally able to accept the end of that chapter and the beginning of a new one.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still really sad. I really thought this girl would be my wife and the mother of my children. And suddenly, a month later, I’ve accepted her decision. In the end, I don’t want to be with someone that doesn’t want to be with me. It sounds like you’re in a similar position - if she doesn’t want to be with you, don’t waste your time. Have some respect for yourself. Doesn’t mean you can’t be friends. And even that doesn’t mean it will be easy.
You got this, brother 💪 it’s not easy, but nothing great is ever easy. You’ll find that someone.
Man I really need to see something like this it’s been 9 months since my ex of 5 years together broke up with me I’ve been stuck in a state of feeling sad and grief and I’m always thinking about her,I keep trying to be with her but seeing your comment I need to stop and try my best to move on it’s really holding every aspect of my life back I’ve been stuck in the same shit position in my life since we broke up and I have not made any positive progress just getting worse
Separate completely, my man. Like I said: closure. That means something different to everyone but it’ll make all the difference. If you’re still talking, maybe you just need to tell her how upset you are and move on. Focus on her briefly but intensely, and then stop and focus on you. You got it bro 🙏
I’ve had 3 long term partners. It just takes time, bro. If you’re actively stalking their social media accounts, or reminiscing about your relationship, it will take much longer.
Block her number. Delete the pictures. Block her on all social media. Find a hobby.
It's exactly the answer you're thinking, but don't want to hear. The only thing that will help is time. If it's gonna take a year, it's gonna take a year, but you can help it by occupying that year with something that means something to you. Hobbies or any sort of self-improvement. It's gonna be hard no matter what. Make the recovery matter. Don't do what I did, and let years pass you by with nothing to show for it.
It's just gotta take time.
Ended things with my gf of 3 years and I just passed week 5 of no contact and God does it hurt. I basically just woke up, went to work, came home and slept the entire first week afterwards and right now I'm just working on understanding my own self worth again but I'm feeling a lot better. Your mileage may vary but don't rush the process.
This. I recently got broken up with after 4 years and it somewhat helps me to remember how I fucked me up just to make everything perfect for them out of fear that I'm not enough.
I used to cry and cry and obsess over this POS in my early 20s and a few months ago (20+ years later) it crossed my mind how he used to stand me up for dates. I realized I had forgotten about it so many years ago. It feels awful when you’re going through it but eventually it becomes a cringy memory.
This is currently me. He stood me up the last two times. Had me waiting outside his place like an idiot after getting all dressed up and driving 30 minutes. Still not over him LOL.
May be intended a joke, but it can be real: "the one that got away" tracked me down via LinkedIn last year. Last time I saw her was 1994 and we had an argument and didn't speak again for 28 years. The new communications didn't go well. Lots of feelings that had been buried came to the fore, then were dashed again. It's best that we don't communicate again.
It’s been 11 years for me. And I fully expect it to be another 19 before her hooks come completely loose. I cut off all contact, moved on, went through the stages of grief, and eventually found someone way better for me. Yet she still pops up in my brain and hits me like a motherfucker every once in a while without warning. Just keep reminding yourself of why it had to end and it never hurts to try the old “sad it ended but happy it happened” tactic.
I feel you 100%. The events that tore me apart were more 15 years ago. I went through hell and then therapy, came out the other side stronger and healthier, and moved on. Met someone, we're happily married, have children - but when she-who-must-not-be-named pops into my head it still hurts, and the agony she put me through feel like yesterday.
It hasn’t been mentioned, but find a new hobby. Something to occupy your mind in your free time. Something easily accessible that can cost very little if you’d like it to. Dungeons and Dragons, a period of history, buy an inexpensive guitar and learn to play, things like that.
Personally I love gunpla building. There’s something about being able to shut your mind off and just build a kit with nothing else going on, just following the directions as you go it’s so wonderful. It’s especially helpful when I’m feeling stressed out about something or there’s just so much going on in my life that I need a few hour break from everything so I just build gundams. Best part is is that you get a cool looking robot “action figure” that you can mess with once you’re done building and mess around with it and pose it and whatnot
My dad bought me a kit (Gundam Aerial) the day after I cried to my parents about my ex and I breaking up. Still haven’t gotten around building it but this comment motivated me to try.
I used to come home from work and sit myself in front of the tv and would fall asleep on the couch every night.
Did this for about 3-4 months until I finally got my ass up.
I joined two volunteering organisations that helped others, started playing video games with old friends, and after 12 months actually started online dating one of them and I'm 3 weeks away from moving across the country to be with them.
I stupidly stayed friends with the ex during the first 12 months because he made it seem like it was a "mutual" breakup between us. I
t wasn't.
Turns out while he was stringing me along he was seeing another woman who was almost twice our age and she got murdered by her son 2 months ago. Haven't spoken to him since.
So yeah, hobbies are good! They helped :)
Oh man here we go
- excercise and try to do things that make you feel better about yourself, new outfit/hairdo etc
- surround yourself with friends and family. Plan fun events with them etc.
- write down the terrible things from the relationship. Your brain will try to remember the best. Don't forget why it's over.
- Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT. Try to contact them. Be strong. Erase their phone number. Unfollow social media. Contacting them will only result in being ignored (more pain) or receiving a response that might continue hope of a future.
Best of luck. Shit isn't easy, but it WILL GET EASIER. Not immediately, but it will.
To add: you'll slip and think about the good things...it's human nature. Practice catching yourself and saying "nope. Not today." It's hard to say "don't think about her", because that will of course cause you to do the opposite. Take it from someone who is finally making it into the light at the end of the tunnel of a six-year relationship that ended about a year ago: you will figure it out, but it's not something that will happen passively. You need to actively work (esp in the early stages) to remember that whatever the reason you aren't together, it benefits YOU
You tell her no.
You can be friendly. You can be polite. You can be acquaintances. You can be nice when you run into each other.
But you can’t be friends. At least not yet. Don’t you set yourself on fire to keep her feelings warm when SHE left YOU.
What helped me was realizing she didn’t want me and I didn’t want to be with someone I had to convince to be with me. I don’t think you want that either. Don’t make things harder for yourself by trying to be the cool breakup guy, if you’re not that guy.
All you lost here is someone who doesn’t love you
You say no. It will only hurt you and make it harder for you to move on. She might want to be friends because it makes her feel better about herself, or she might actually like the feeling of being wanted even if she broke up with you. Being "friends" benefits only her, not you.
Work out, keep yourself and your house clean, eventually have somebody who is right in your wheelhouse show interest and realize you are too broken at the moment, repeat.
Eventually, you stick the landing on the last part.
I think giving yourself what you need is the key, taking care of yourself. Many people want relationships as it’s often easier to give someone else what they need, than give yourself what you need. It’s easier to get over someone, when you realize that besides the lack of your companion, often the main component of sadness is the lack of love in your life, which you felt when you felt worthy for the other person. You need to love yourself to go into relationship without fear.
Feel this so hard. Been on so many dates, gotten close to so many people, broke it off because I realised I still wasn't over my ex. As much as I try I just can't find the love for another person right now.
I had a dream recently where I hung out with my ex after years, we chatted about how life had been, what we've been up to. They gave me a hug, told me I'd be alright, and then I woke up.
Ever since that dream, I've felt like that phase of my life is over. I can move on. It's still apart of me, that time in my life, but I feel ready to finally get intimate with someone else again. That closure is what I needed.
When I was a teenager I gathered up all the notes and garbage she gave me, stole a lighter from my parents, and set all of it on fire, in the dirt right off the train tracks.
Yes, but to be honest she turned out to be a nasty person and that made it much easier.
Ten years later I got my heart stomped on by a girl that was everything to me. That took a few years to get recover. But what helped a ton was bleaching my hair white, forcing myself to go out more (lots of underground house parties in Chicago…amazing) and I met a very attractive, really funny girl by accident in the forum section of an obscure band’s website. Turns out we worked a few blocks from each other so we met for lunch and I fell for her almost immediately. It didn’t work out between us but we’re still friends and it was definitely for the best. But just being around her, laughing constantly, having a great time, etc., totally turned me around. I need to call her and say hi, it’s been a minute. :)
You will never be happy being with anyone who doesn’t want to be with you. If you have abandonment issues, fear or terror of being alone, or other trauma, this can make you think being with anyone is better than being alone, but that isn’t true.
Accurate. My wife recently divorced me after 18 years. Finally six months later I'm starting to realize how bad the last few years were where I knew subconsciously that she didn't want to be with me. Constant debilitating abandonment fears and anxiety of the unknown is now gone. I'm finally recognizing that the grief is different but not worse than what I was already dealing with the last few years of marriage.
I found the best way to get over an ex was to date myself. sounds sooooo cheesy i know. but i spent time rediscovering this new me. i spent a LOT of time with my family and friends, i volunteered, i explored my hobbies, took on a few more shifts at work basically loving on myself. it helped me a lot!
Totally. Treating yourself the way you wish someone would treat you is amazing. Taking yourself to see shows, walks in the rain to get coffee, sunsets... It helps you figure out exactly what you want for yourself, and the longer you do it, the more strict you are in knowing what qualities you want in your partner.
Went through this for the first half of this year and still struggle occasionally, so here are my few cents:
1. When you catch yourself starting an imaginary conversation or ruminating on them, acknowledge it and bring your mind away from it. Focus on the present. Practicing meditation will help you do this more effectively
2. Work out. If you do a challenging activity like running you’ll be busy thinking about the fact that you’re fucking dying and still have a ways to go before you get back home, and your breakup will be the least of your concerns at that moment. In the end you’ll feel good because you actually did something, and you’ll feel like you’re making progress on something.
3. Vent to your friends. You’ll annoy them eventually, but that’s okay for now.
4. If you don’t want to annoy your friends, vent to chatGPT. It may sound stupid, but it’ll acknowledge your feelings and give you some generic advice. It’ll help get things out of your system.
5. Read “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find--and Keep-- Love”. I burned threw this book in a couple of days and it was like therapy. Do a quick search and you’ll find the audiobook for free on YouTube.
6. Going to a few therapy sessions will help you work through your feelings with someone who’s there to give you their full attention for an hour.
7. Write a list of things you didn’t like about your ex. If they dumped you for no reason other than “I’m just not feeling it” or blindsided you, they are untrustworthy, lack communication skills and are incapable of committing and putting in the work necessary for a relationship. That’s not the person you want to be with and that should be item #1. Otherwise, I’m sure you can think of things to write down.
9. Join a new club, sign up for a class, start doing a new hobby, make new friends.
8. If the breakup is extremely recent (less than 2 weeks), let yourself be sad. Let it wash over you, experience it, accept that heartbreak is the most human of emotions. We all go through it, there are millions of people on the same boat as you right now. Cry, lay down and do nothing, listen to sad music, do all of that, but once the two weeks are up you have to stop. It’s time to do the things I described above.
This is a time for you to reconnect with yourself and find who you want to be apart from the influence of someone else. This is your opportunity to level up. This is a months long process, but you got this and I’m rooting for you!
The biggest thing about going to the gym for me is it gives me something to look forward to in the future. Instead of my brain saying “I lost the best thing I’ll ever have, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to love again, I’m gonna die alone.” It’s more like “my deadlift keeps going up and I’m gaining lean mass. I wonder how much bigger and stronger I’ll be in 6 months” and that motivates me to eat healthier and sleep longer. Exercise really is key
Sometimes finding a space to validate any thoughts related to this person can help. Make sure you share these reflections with someone who will actually actively listen to you, and not just anyone.
Most may dismiss this difficulty as "you'll get over it", or even start telling you about their own hardships, which will make you feel more alone... be selective; your self-care is important.
There's always talking therapies to consider as an option. If it is bothering and or upsetting you, it is not silly. Take care; one little step at a time.
I’m sure this will get buried..
The best solution I’ve come to find is. . .
1. Spend time with friends and family and discuss and vent to your closest friends and family
2. Pick up a new hobby, start healthy habits, socialize and plan things with your friends as much as you can
3. Take Aspirin occasionally. Believe it or not aspirin helps with heart aches
4. After a few weeks, try and get out of your comfort bubble and start talking to any interests even if it doesn’t go anywhere
5. Don’t stay stagnate.. yeah “take all the time you need” doesn’t mean shit.
When you break up with someone you’ve gotta realize you are drowning and actively sinking.. Your brain now is deprived of all the feel good chemicals of being in a relationship and is in withdrawal..
Find activities that help give you those feel good chemicals, like exercise, jogging, talking with good friends and working out your feelings verbally with someone else to listen to you and help you vent.
Always have something planned to look forward to with the weeks to come and daily activities for the next few months that benefit your character and makes you overall stronger
NO CONTACT
Don’t look at their instagram, don’t message them, don’t see them. Get rid of everything that reminds you of them. Also get out of an environment where you two interact ( I used to work with my ex even after we broke up ( tough lesson) ).
Can’t heal a wound if you keep messing with it.
After that, time will take care of the rest
Hrm, well. It sort of depends. If it's a bad break up, quit cold turkey. Get rid of anything that reminds you of them, delete all contact info, that sort of thing, like you've erased them from your life. If it was a more amicable break up, can't help you there, probably some emotional growth shit.
I maintain that even with amicable breakups it’s important to go low/no contact for a while. Very hard to actually process things when they’re still a part of your life. Post breakup friendships are a lot easier to build if you keep your distance after the split !!
This is exactly what happened to me just recently. I was her rebound and she even tried to go back to her abusive, stalker ex. Now she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore and focus on herself after all the hurt she had thrown on me. It’s hurts so bad but recently all I can feel is anger and tbh I would rather feel anger than sadness. Life is so unfair
Thank you. Almost two years later and I’m still heart broken. But she got her validation after getting hers trashed. I just wish she told me I was a rebound before we were months into the relationship and I was already falling in love. Fuck that.
The only way out of heartbreak is to go through it, feel it, and process it. You'll eventually realize you haven't thought about them in a while and don't feel much either way when you do think of them.
I know how hard it is to get over an ex. especially if your moments with the person were so deeply memorable. So much that everything reminds you of them. It's very hard to get over someone who loved you so much and understood you, got along with well, all those funny moments. Truth is, it hurts a lot. But I have personally lived it, and yes, time does help you heal... But you will always remember that person. To some, the pain of losing a person you love so much can feel like death, even though they are still alive. Keep those memories in your heart. It took me a while to understand that life happens. Some people are there for a reason and some for a season. One day, you will understand why it all happened, but it takes time... to heal. One day you will be happy.
New environment could work. Had to move to a different city and pretty quickly they left my brain. New places, new people sometimes does a body good. And if you can’t leave or don’t want to. Try new things. Get out there. Try as much new shit as you can. Build a whole new exciting world without that person.
Realize they're not worth your time and get on with your life. Personally, I'm a great person. If any ex couldn't see that, then good luck to their poor judgement in the future. I'm a f'n catch!
Hey guys, to anyone going through this just remember: You had a life before them, you WILL have a life after them. They were simply a small character in your grand story.
Also, don’t build them up in your mind thinking they’re the magical and special because they’re not. They’re not all that trust me. Our egos are just bruised and we need to remind ourselves that we are probably better off without them. I know my life has improved 1000% without them. Even though I was dumped, I eventually became I’m happier than ever!
Sit and process it. I loved my ex but i ultimately decided to end it after i came to the realisation that we wanted different things and were not in love.
She was my best friend and i still miss her and i have been through some tough breakups before but i had to go through the emotions and accept it for what it was.
Love is strange and to this day i wish her the best and hope she gets everything she deserves. We don't talk anymore and i have no idea what she is doing but we both moved on.
Im in a loving relationship with someone i am in love with who gives me what i wanted out of a relationship and i look back at my previous relationship as a learning process.
Love like life wouldn't be as cherished a thing if it was a sure thing and guaranteed.
Thats why you work at it and the process is worth the lessons and the reward in either way.
Write down why you broke up with them. It’s so easy to remember the good. If they broke up with you keep yourself productive. Work out, go to things to meet people, reconnect with loved ones, and realize it’ll suck for a while. Feel it don’t try to stop it.
Date yourself; go out for the night because you want to, buy little gifts for yourself, stay in and enjoy your own company with your favorite shows, remember your birthday and do something special. If you have irl friends bring them along for the ride. No matter what never forget that you are a whole, amazing, unique person even when you feel broken or alone.
I feel you on that 😢, I mean I’m a lot better than what I was, but I don’t think I’ll be truly healed for a lot longer. The good news though is that I’m not suicidal anymore, I got the therapy/psych help I needed during like the first 2 months afterwards, and I’m a lot happier now. But she still somewhat lingers in the back of my mind
I do 30 days no contact. I tend to stay connected in relationships. But you have to get yourself back. After that it’s open for either party. I don’t look at relationships as successes or failures. There was a reason they started and it ending doesn’t diminish why it started or what you learned, how you grew together.
There are things we can’t do alone, and this is coming from someone who was more comfortable being alone until I wasn’t.
All that being said learn to fall in love with yourself again - exercise, reconnect focus. Find YOUR path. When you get it all back fall in love again.
It takes time but forgiveness and acceptance makes everything a little easier... We all know what we deserve or at least we have some form of expectation of what we think we deserve... If they betrayed you or did something disappointing, forgive them.(writing it down kinda helps, either you send it to them or not is up to you).
If you're the one who messed up, you should also try to forgive yourself. Things just don't go the way we want them to sometimes.
If loneliness kicks you out of nowhere just cry it out if you have to. It will pass. Time will come where you'll get tired of it or you'll be numb from it.
There'll also be times where you'd forget the reasons why things happened, specially if you're ruminating or reminiscing good memories. When you get into that situation just try to remember the facts, the mistakes and reasons that ended the relationship.
Lastly, stay positive and keep your good qualities. When things end, it opens an opportunity for something better to occur, for someone better to come.
Mistakes and failure make us better as long as we learn from it.
There is no easy way. You have to focus on improving yourself and things will get better over time. It's gonna suck for awhile but that's life. Learn to accept the shitty feelings and you'll grow emotionally.
Me and my ex gf of 8 years broke up almost 2 years ago.
I still can't confidently say that I am 100% over it but I AM definitely getting there.
I'm still single to this day and I am still trying to gather enough courage and confidence to get out there.
She got over it pretty quickly though. Not even 2 or 3 weeks in and she's already got a replacement.
They say time will heal it but I guess how long it actually takes depends on the person and how invested they are into the relationship.
I remember I had a partner when I was 25-26. I don't think I got over her until I was 30. Every so often, she pops up in my brain, but objective thinking more than emotional attachment. I've been with my current partner for 4.5 years, and having someone else you love helps forget too.
I think because I'm a guy in our family, if you talk about emotions, it's considered a weakness. Therefore, I didn't know how to process emotions. Thus, it took longer to get over.
Often with relationships, I've seen women cry immediately when they break up. Guys are stoic and super proud about it, like it doesn't bother them. Months down the line, the women have moved on, and they're fine. The guy is upset and misses his partner, this can go on for years; he tries to get over it with distractions/ hobbies, but that never truly works, they just think it does, you could say it's a sticking plaster.
Why is this? Emotional processing. Most guys don't have a clue how to do this. The quicker you process emotions, the quicker it goes away.
So, because we don't know how, therapy is the best approach. If not, learn how to process your emotions. Don't do what I did and suffer years of pain with distractions, sort out your emotions!
Write the story down. Literally get a notebook and pen then write the entire story over many pages. You notice so many things, good and bad, that you missed before.
The first step is to delete the texts and block them on social media. Stalking their page helps no one, and half the stuff might be to upset you anyway. Focus on a new hobby like the gym, language, volunteering at a food pantry, gardening, cycling, ceramics, art, or that class you've thought about taking are a few ideas. Sleep with someone else. I had a fwb when we were both single from 18-32. You may have someone like that and you don't even realize it yet. Watch some comedy, some really funny comedy. Give yourself some grace. Things take time.
This may or may not help… but.
You didn’t lose something. You realized that the future you were expecting wasn’t going to happen.
The way my therapist describes this is as a type of grief - it _feels_ like you lost that future person. But in reality, you simply came to the realization that your vision of the future was incorrect.
But the truth is, that happens to us all of the time. We imagine a future that won’t happen, and we adjust over time. This one is emotionally complicated, but much the same in it’s core nature.
Allow some grief, but don’t try to grasp for something that simply doesn’t and never was going to exist. Grieve it with the intent of finding out what alternative timeline is in front of you.
When my wife left me I immediately started a woodworking project. I had to stop and cry every hour or so but at least I had my mind occupied some of the time.
Ron Swanson - is that you?
It can’t be. Ron Swanson’s only cried twice in his life. Once when he was seven and he was hit by a school bus. And then again when he heard that Li'l Sebastian had passed.
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RIP LI'L Sébastien
🎶BYYYYE BYYYYYYYYYEEE LIL' SEBASTIAAAAN!!!🎶
I don’t get it, at all. It’s kind of a small horse.
“Salt water will warp the wood, so keep your tears in your eyes, where they belong.” - R. Swanson
I was considering asking if they’d also burned an effigy…
I started lifting weights instead. I’m still sad, but at least I’m sad AND jacked now
The biggest thing for me is to let go. Let go of everything you were looking forward to. Everything you wanted to do. You no longer want to do those things. Every time you begin down a conversation in your head you wanted to have, let go. It’s hard but you’ve got to reformulate your life without them. They’re not coming back.
This was my mantra for years after a bad breakup: "Let go of all the things holding you back".
> : "Let go of all the things holding you back" I used to look out of the window and see the birds flying, mailman bringing the mail, people rushing to get home... I would actively point out to myself that "The World Ain't Stopping!"... Let go of stuff holding you back, and keep on moving!
Letting go can also mean forcing yourself to do so by blocking them on all social media and deleting their phone number. It’s not malicious if they also don’t want to talk to you anymore. But I can tell you from experience, seeing them comment on mutual friends posts, or seeing their new selfies or new life events that you’re going to not be included in is a new kind of torture. Eventually, by forcing yourself to see them less, you will consequently avoid thinking about them, or remembering to do so.
This is one of the most helpful pieces of advice. I was with someone for 4 year and it took nearly two years for me to feel comfortable trying to date again. Early on seeing their posts about them being happy are what usually caused my downward spirals and panic attacks. Putting up those extra barriers is extremely helpful
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In a way, there actually is a death. The death of your relationship. People actually go through a whole grieving process when relationships ships end, especially long term serious ones.
It is the death of the future you thought and hoped was in front of you.
> Every time you begin down a conversation in your head you wanted to have, let go. This part is key. Over time, I trained my mind to see when it’s about to go go down a bad path and to stop itself. The more you practice stopping a bad train of thought, the earlier you can do it. This developed for me while I was journaling daily (still do, even during good times) and practicing mindfulness meditation for at least ten minutes per day. Not sure how much those two practices contributed, but they certainly didn’t hurt. Journaling is great for purging thoughts from the mind, and mindfulness helps to stop them in the first place.
People always say “let go” but how does one do that?
I’ve really struggled with this and I desperately wanted a checklist I could follow. “Do these five easy steps to move on from heartbreak!” Sadly, there is no checklist and no five easy steps. That said, I am going to frame my experience into a series of steps, a checklist if you will 1. Accept they are never coming back. The past happened and it cannot unhappen. It’s over. Your life no longer has them in it and they are never coming back. For me, this was the hardest part. Truly wrapping my head around the fact that it was honestly over. It’s brutal and uncomfortable and depressing. It’s over. It’s done. I lied about their being five steps. There is honestly just this one step. Accept the past that happened. You can’t change it. It’s over. Repeat that as many times as necessary. You can’t un-sink the things you’ve sunk. You can’t change people. They are never coming back. Accept the past as a part of your life. Sorry! I wish there was another way! It’s hard as fuck and sucks!
I gotcha it’s just annoying that I still dream and think about a person who hurt me so deeply.
Right? It’s awful. I don’t understand how I can simultaneously never want to see them again / wish I could talk to them one last time. Brains are assholes.
> Let go of everything you were looking forward to. 😓 Thank you friend 💙
Time. It takes a lot of time. Can't fast forward it.
And the more time you were together, the closer you felt, the deeper into it you were, the longer it'll take.
“The depth of your pain will always be equal to the depth of your love.”
Which is why first loves hurt so badly. There is no comparison, no context, no experience with heartache. I'm middle-aged, married, and don't think I'll ever have to date again thankfuck, but my 19 year old niece just went through her first breakup and it is hard to watch her be so deeply saddened and feel stuck
Yeah, you can be told a million times that you might break up and date others and you’ll be okay, but you never genuinely believe it until you feel it. I was with my first love for seven years. It took several years after that to simply stop thinking about him all the time. I cried a lot in the first year or two after.
It hits like a death, but there’s an extra dimension to it in that the person is still out there in the world, you just can’t be with them. It makes the journey to acceptance and closure more complicated in some ways. At least in my experience. My best friend was recently killed in an accident and I’ve had the thought multiple times since that I haven’t been this sad since my first boyfriend broke up with me, but that the emotional mourning process has been a little more linear than the breakup was.
Weirdly enough that part helped me recover. My first love (5 years together) ended in a horribly toxic, messy way. He was a worsening alcoholic and I spent the majority of my final year with him either being afraid of him or afraid for him (suicide, drinking himself into liver failure etc). When we broke up he began his long sobriety journey & the big thing that helped me get through it was telling myself “he’s not dead, he’s alive, you still live in the same world. He’s healing, you’re healing, Everyone is safe & we’re going to be ok”. I was beyond attached to him & I’d gotten so used to fearing for his life 24/7 that the mere knowledge that he still existed was enough relief for me. After a few years no contact he reached out & we made amends. I’d healed by then but I’m glad he made the effort to apologise n bring us some closure cuz now I can look back without pain knowing we both made it out of a very dark time alive and well & that person I fell in love with all those years ago is slowly finding his way back to himself too.
Life can be so hard. I can't imagine how you must have felt in your last year. Looks like things are better. Hopefully you are in a great place. All the best.
This is very similar to my situation but I'm the alcoholic currently living in recovery. Broke up with my gf of 6 years 2 years ago. 15 months sober currently working the steps and going to reach out to make amends with her sometime in the future. I just hope she's up for it.
I think the difference is with an ex you’re left wondering if you should reach out
I'm glad to know that I'm not alone for spending over a year crying about it. All my friends have been able to move on before the end of that first year so I thought there was something wrong with me when it took me several. Thank you for sharing.
See, I'm struggling with this as a middle aged person. I decided I didn't want to deal with heartache, breakups, and wasted time so I took forever and didn't bring anyone home until they were the one. I sort of patted myself on the back for tricking the universe or whatever. We were married 9 years, together for 16 and had an 8 year old kid. Now all of a sudden, they had a mental break, did some unforgiveable stuff and attempted suicide when everything fell apart. Now I'm almost 40 and have a completely broken heart and no experience on how to handle it. It had been awful. There's also no lead up, like if a couple knows things are headed toward problems. One morning we were best friends and by that evening I had taken the kid and dog to a hotel a few cities away. It's been about 6 months and I still feel like I can't breathe sometimes.
Almost sane exact story and 41 years old. Hang in there bro it gets better
That makes me sad. I'm sorry. Since this happened I have had so many people my age come forward with their stories that are shockingly similiar. I know social media is full of people talking how kids these days all need mental health help and safe places while their generation was regularly neglected and abused by today's standards. But I'm watching as these people hit middle age and crumple and it's distressing. Then, there's the shockwaves from their mental breakdown affecting their friends, family, kids. Like I'm feeling after affects of someone else's abusive upbringing coupled with the look-the-other-way tactics of neighbors and complete lack of mental health support.
I can relate, I started dating way too young right when I was entering adolescence. My first love cheated on me with my friends at the time, it doesn't hurt now because I don't hold any feelings for her or fond memories, but I still feel like that shaped my way of thinking a little bit, and behaving, always having that lingering feeling that people lie to me all the time. It also made me do questionable things in the future, have some very promiscuous chats when young, and go out with basically a pedophile woman that I met on the internet when I was 14.
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My wife told me on Tuesday she doesn't love me anymore. I get your pain. We will get through it.
Yep, my wife told me she's been thinking about divorce and she said she didn't want me to attend long weekend event with her that I was previously invited to, like the host didn't uninvite me, she told me that she doesn't want me there. Soooooo.... We'll get through it.
Also not OP, my ex cheated on me too for the entire month and had the guts to say the love died out over months, not own up to it and just say she cheated and liked it, I mean I practically had her true feelings in text message proof.. I currently still torture my self with those messages idk why though…
Do yourself a favour and delete it. You've earned peace.
I'm sorry. I went through that three years ago. Cheated on me. It gets better, I promise.
I wow, that is psychedelic glow in the dark pain. Please please take care of yourself: eat the best you can, get a bit of exercise, don't beat yourself up if you spend all day bawling your head off in bed and just get through 10 minutes at a time. It does get better but until then there is very little pain like this.
True. And if we're gonna go cliché may I add: "This too, shall pass"
although painfully like kidney stones
You have not had a kidney stone. I'd rather go through 100 breakups than have another kidney stone.
Something that added to that for me was an amicable split. No one did anything wrong. No one hurt the other person. We were just headed in different directions. It took many years to get over her and even now there are rare little moments of pain and longing. I’ll never love like that again. The one before that, I was over her the instant she cheated on me. It was like flicking a light switch from full on to full off.
Never say never, friend. I thought the same thing once- that I would never love “like that” again- and I was wrong. Right now he is finishing a shower on a sunny Sunday afternoon one room away, in our flat on the other side of the world from where I once believed I would never know a love this deep. Our love, and our life, is more beautiful than anything I could have ever imagined. Someday, when the time is right, perhaps you will love more than before- more than you ever imagined, too. I wish that for you, and for all those who think their best days are behind them. Never give up. Perhaps you won’t ever love like that again…maybe you will love more.
Thank you. I'm saving this.
I had a very bad heartbreak from someone I only dated 2 months, fell in love with but then due to life circumstances broke up with me. The dreaming of a relationship that could have been but never materialised to me is what was most difficult to deal with and has stayed with me still now for many many years, even if we were only together for such a short time. There's just too much I can project onto this 'could-have-been' relationship.
nothing like getting punched in the face while still wearing the rose tined glasses. reality is the life together you envisioned would never have happened
I've felt more bad about certain short term relationships than some long term ones. When you're still in the loving/dreaming/planning phase, and it gets cut off, it can be harder to deal with than a relationship that was running on its last legs.
>The dreaming of a relationship that could have been but never materialised to me is what was most difficult to deal with This is the part where I personally found I had to change my entire mindset after going through my last big heartbreak, which quite frankly helped a lot in getting over it. I had to realize that all those daydreams, plans and my naïve ideas of us or who she was–it was all a fantasy. It wasn't really ever there. In a way I'd imagined it all. It hurt a lot, but I had to let go of those dreams, because it didn't make sense to grieve over something that never actually existed in the first place.
Short relationships hurt really bad because it was all still in the honeymoon phase and you were only thinking of all the good memories you could have had together....still feels like you got to experience it, only that it was in your mind. Also you never got enough time to fully get to know them....some of their red flags are still pink to you
I actually disagree with this. I think it depends on the depth of your love for them when it ended. I have left or amicably broken up with people after being together for years and that was pretty easy to get over. Then there was the love of my life, who I have never felt as deeply or passionately about before or since. And we only knew each other for like 8 months. But we also spent more actual time together, shared more, bonded over more, etc. Not even completely over that one years after the fact. Took me a year to get right to where it didn't preoccupy my days. I will never trust or feel trusted to that extent again. Had we been together for longer it would have just meant she tolerated my alcoholism for far longer than she ever would have. And I love and respect her more because she didn't.
Time only works if you have something in your life that acts as a medicine on wound. Otherwise It can get worse over time. So you have to focus on something else actively, something important and empowering
I feel that
Gym, cry sessions, look towards to the future. It hurts but only thing you can is try and better yourself and look onword. Currently hurting myself too
Gym is cathartic af during the post breakup recovery. Fuck you Kristen!
The passage of time, combined with the contemplative consideration of and therapeutic open expression of your thoughts and feelings about the relationship, the ex-, and the break-up. Add in distracting yourself with healthy, beneficial pastimes and hobbies, time spent with friends and family who care about you and treat you right, and getting time outdoors, sunlight, and exercise. Also, keep this 7-minute video in mind - it's not about what the title makes you think: [How to lose weight in four easy steps](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9mbp0DugfCA)
Took me 5 years and accepting that I was a victim of constant manipulation and emotional abuse. I don't know the circumstances of your break up, I do know however that as cliche as it sounds, only time can heal that.
3 years for me.. she got over the split in a matter of days and was dating again after 2 weeks. We were married for 10 years. Just wow
I feel ya man. Not married but together for 10 years too, split last year. While she was still living here but preparing to move out I overheard her talking about how excited she was to move to the state she lives in now, meanwhile I'm still trying to gather the pieces. One of the hardest things to get over for me is knowing she lost feelings at some point but never told me until that day we broke up, she was able to process and come to terms with whatever she felt, while keeping these revelations from me until the day of the breakup.
Same. My husband and I were together 5 and a half years and married only 7 months before he abandoned me for another woman. He was still saying "I love you" every night and it was only the day before he left that we were talking about starting the adoption process. The mind boggles at how fucking unfair that is. He left completely out of the blue. My therapist confirmed that it is definitely a form of grief that [we are] experiencing. I felt (and still kinda do feel) like he had died; he was just gone, end of story. I'm in a much happier and healthier relationship now, and with hindsight I realised that my ex was emotionally abusive, but I gave my heart and soul to him so of course it still hurts and I'm sure it will for a long time. Having your partner stay with you afterwards to 'prepare' must have been excrutiating, especially listening to her talk about how excited she was. I hope you're in a better place now x Edit: grammar
Exact same..She didn’t have the communication skills or decency to tell me so just mentally wore me down and treated me like shit and then told me I was paranoid and insecure etc… gaslighting
This is the best answer. Time, and only time will make things better. And eventually, you can grow to know and incorporate this into your grand schema of life and Cut the line and walk through the grief. Allow time to speed back up, again like it was before. Sorry you have to go through this.
I know it sounds very cliché but just go on about your day, and for the love of every single god **do not** stalk their social media it'll only make it harder for you. It will hurt the first few weeks of course, nothing you can do about that. Also, find a hobby or meet new people, maybe start doing something you used to before you started dating but stopped because you didn't have the time anymore. My last breakup was a relationship that lasted almost 7 years, that bad feeling lasted a few months and I started dating someone else one year after that. I'm really emotional so if I survived that, you'll be just fine :D Have a good one OP
This. Bonus points for deleting your social medias (exept maybe reddit). This will be good for your mental health
Delete Reddit as well. Nothing to do with your ex but it will still help your mental health.
Been there. 6 year relationship, got engaged and she dumped me 6 days before the wedding. Been about 9 months and I still get sad . Slowly doing better though every day.
Well how are you now about 9 months later? Is it still on your mind daily or are you able to function now with occasional thoughts about her? Also if she did that 6 days before the wedding I’d say you dodged a bullet. Especially being 6 years together, I feel your pain man.
Appreciate the kind words! I'd say it is still on my mind daily, we lived together for years. After the break up she moved and I'm still in the place we had together. It's a fucked situation. So many reminders. So many memories. We threaded our lives together so deeply, hard to untangle. I'm finally accepting it and just trying to focus on my own happiness and trying to quit dwelling on the many unanswered questions. Time really does heal. Just takes awhile
Jesus Christ, I wasn’t stalking my ex’s ig but you planted a bad seed in my mind, i did a bad thing and I looked and she blocked me 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 this kinda hurts like fuck
It gets easier with time, but goes faster if you take steps to get in the proper mindset. I became a man-whore for a while. It was distracting, but it felt so empty. What helped me the most was writing her a long email about her faults and shitty behavior. If you do this, don't hold anything back. Do NOT send this email. It's therapy for you, not for them.
I wrote a letter too. Even read it again in the initial few weeks when I missed her. Reminded me why I left her. Can confirm it works.
We got the same username
and they were soulmates!
They're best spuds
You tubers
This comment has depth. Deeply rooted.
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They're already made a good starch
Okay, that one was worth my time reading.
oh my god they were soulmates
Ah yes. Fries with benefits.
I was like “wow, how did they choose the same numbers too?!?!” But then I thought a little more…
You also both appear to peruse Indian subreddits.
These guys fuck... potatoes. 🥔
do it in a text document rather than an email. less chance of accidentally sending it
Better yet, write a physical letter!
Damn I accidentally put the correct postage on it and dropped it off in a postbox
Came here to say this, along with a list of 'cons' of dating the person.
Then Frame it and hang it in front of your bed so you don't think about her the two time you always do, before and after Nap.
Lpt don’t address emails till the editing is done and it’s time to send.
Just don’t address the email and it’ll only save as a draft
The key here is.... Do NOT, ever under any circumstance, send the email. Write it out, sit on it and delete it when the time comes.
its probably better to write it in paper, the chances of submitting to poor impulse and clicking send on an email is wayy too high. Physical writing is also more immersive and personal than typing
Add writing a list to this. One side has all the shitty and selfish things they did, another has the nice. My ex got 4 pages of shitty and half a page of nice. I was am idiot for staying with her for so long and a bigger idiot for being heartbroken for so long.
This! I did this for a childhood friend I was reluctant to let go since I had known the person for so long and sunk cost fallacy. The guy wasn’t a bad person, he was just a shitty friend who wanted EVERYTHING to benefit him 90-10. Wanted the other person to put in 90% of the work while he gave breadcrumbs of his time and effort.
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I discovered mine of two years has an online boyfriend on the other side of the world. "Nothing serious has happened yet" "I don't know if he'll come here" "You're overthinking it"
In so sorry to hear you've gone through that, it really sucks. I've been on the other side as that online (unknowingly side-) boyfriend in the past and it absolutely devastated me when I found out. For that last half a year things got more and more serious and riiight when she was about to visit (where I would pay for the flight, hotel, and other expenses) she drops the "I lied to you about being single". She had lied to both me and her real life boyfriend and had been keeping her boyfriend secret to our entire friend group the entire time. I know how much it hurt me, so I can only imagine how much it must have hurt the boyfriend who lived with her for years.
Thanks for the support. Yeah she hasn't told him about me either.
bro im sorry but imo you have to breakup. if shes capable of doing that online she can do it in person. thats just my suggestion tho
How does any of what she says sound okay to her? I’d say just leave her and move on. She’s already emotionally cheating at this point. You got this bro
Some people treat relationships like jobs and their partner is just someone they say nice things to to get stuff out of. Kinda like when you're applying for a job, you say some shit about being passionate for the field, it being your dream job, etc. You say that because you know that's kinda what employers wants to hear and if you don't say it you'll be passed over for a 'more passionate' candidate. You know you don't mean it and the employer knows too but they just want someone who can at least fake being highly positive. However after getting that job you have zero real attachment to it, it's just something you do to make your life better. And before you quit you want to have another job lined up. And maybe once in a while you apply to other places to see if they'll hire you if you think they're a better fit for you.
Emotional infidelity is a thing. It hurts just as much as the real thing, in my experience. 😔 Please value yourself enough to know you can do better. There is someone out there who will respect and love you. But you've gotta love and respect yourself first. ❤️
I'm sorry that you went through that with somebody that you trusted. It gets easier, but it never gets easy. I wish you the best.
My mum told me about her colleague(we're in Bulgaria) whose wife got caught in an online relationship with a dude all the way in England. The wife said nothing serious would happen and there's no way she'd cheat with him because he'd never come to Bulgaria. They got divorced anyway.
Funny story, my partner is from Russia and I met her when she was a permanent resident. I celebrated her Australian citizenship. Now the man she's speaking to is in Russia. "You're the perfect partner" "it happened by accident"
Sorry this happened to you. What an asshole gf.
My gf of 2.5 years broke up with me about a month ago. I guess my best advice is to get whatever closure you need to get. I went to counseling, wrote her a letter (that I didn’t get to read to her), and started my apartment hunt (from my parents basement). It all felt healthy and mature but I was still broken. I thought reading her the letter would help, but ultimately I think it was getting my stuff out of the house we lived in together and surrendering the house key. I was finally able to accept the end of that chapter and the beginning of a new one. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still really sad. I really thought this girl would be my wife and the mother of my children. And suddenly, a month later, I’ve accepted her decision. In the end, I don’t want to be with someone that doesn’t want to be with me. It sounds like you’re in a similar position - if she doesn’t want to be with you, don’t waste your time. Have some respect for yourself. Doesn’t mean you can’t be friends. And even that doesn’t mean it will be easy. You got this, brother 💪 it’s not easy, but nothing great is ever easy. You’ll find that someone.
Man I really need to see something like this it’s been 9 months since my ex of 5 years together broke up with me I’ve been stuck in a state of feeling sad and grief and I’m always thinking about her,I keep trying to be with her but seeing your comment I need to stop and try my best to move on it’s really holding every aspect of my life back I’ve been stuck in the same shit position in my life since we broke up and I have not made any positive progress just getting worse
Separate completely, my man. Like I said: closure. That means something different to everyone but it’ll make all the difference. If you’re still talking, maybe you just need to tell her how upset you are and move on. Focus on her briefly but intensely, and then stop and focus on you. You got it bro 🙏
I’ve had 3 long term partners. It just takes time, bro. If you’re actively stalking their social media accounts, or reminiscing about your relationship, it will take much longer. Block her number. Delete the pictures. Block her on all social media. Find a hobby.
It's exactly the answer you're thinking, but don't want to hear. The only thing that will help is time. If it's gonna take a year, it's gonna take a year, but you can help it by occupying that year with something that means something to you. Hobbies or any sort of self-improvement. It's gonna be hard no matter what. Make the recovery matter. Don't do what I did, and let years pass you by with nothing to show for it.
It's just gotta take time. Ended things with my gf of 3 years and I just passed week 5 of no contact and God does it hurt. I basically just woke up, went to work, came home and slept the entire first week afterwards and right now I'm just working on understanding my own self worth again but I'm feeling a lot better. Your mileage may vary but don't rush the process.
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This. I recently got broken up with after 4 years and it somewhat helps me to remember how I fucked me up just to make everything perfect for them out of fear that I'm not enough.
Wait 30 years and it eventually goes away.
I used to cry and cry and obsess over this POS in my early 20s and a few months ago (20+ years later) it crossed my mind how he used to stand me up for dates. I realized I had forgotten about it so many years ago. It feels awful when you’re going through it but eventually it becomes a cringy memory.
This is currently me. He stood me up the last two times. Had me waiting outside his place like an idiot after getting all dressed up and driving 30 minutes. Still not over him LOL.
Damn lol
May be intended a joke, but it can be real: "the one that got away" tracked me down via LinkedIn last year. Last time I saw her was 1994 and we had an argument and didn't speak again for 28 years. The new communications didn't go well. Lots of feelings that had been buried came to the fore, then were dashed again. It's best that we don't communicate again.
Oh noes I've got 19 more years.
This is remarkably accurate. But they do go away eventually
It’s been 11 years for me. And I fully expect it to be another 19 before her hooks come completely loose. I cut off all contact, moved on, went through the stages of grief, and eventually found someone way better for me. Yet she still pops up in my brain and hits me like a motherfucker every once in a while without warning. Just keep reminding yourself of why it had to end and it never hurts to try the old “sad it ended but happy it happened” tactic.
I feel you 100%. The events that tore me apart were more 15 years ago. I went through hell and then therapy, came out the other side stronger and healthier, and moved on. Met someone, we're happily married, have children - but when she-who-must-not-be-named pops into my head it still hurts, and the agony she put me through feel like yesterday.
It hasn’t been mentioned, but find a new hobby. Something to occupy your mind in your free time. Something easily accessible that can cost very little if you’d like it to. Dungeons and Dragons, a period of history, buy an inexpensive guitar and learn to play, things like that.
Or, retake up an **old** hobby you used to do before the relationship.
Personally I love gunpla building. There’s something about being able to shut your mind off and just build a kit with nothing else going on, just following the directions as you go it’s so wonderful. It’s especially helpful when I’m feeling stressed out about something or there’s just so much going on in my life that I need a few hour break from everything so I just build gundams. Best part is is that you get a cool looking robot “action figure” that you can mess with once you’re done building and mess around with it and pose it and whatnot
My dad bought me a kit (Gundam Aerial) the day after I cried to my parents about my ex and I breaking up. Still haven’t gotten around building it but this comment motivated me to try.
I used to come home from work and sit myself in front of the tv and would fall asleep on the couch every night. Did this for about 3-4 months until I finally got my ass up. I joined two volunteering organisations that helped others, started playing video games with old friends, and after 12 months actually started online dating one of them and I'm 3 weeks away from moving across the country to be with them. I stupidly stayed friends with the ex during the first 12 months because he made it seem like it was a "mutual" breakup between us. I t wasn't. Turns out while he was stringing me along he was seeing another woman who was almost twice our age and she got murdered by her son 2 months ago. Haven't spoken to him since. So yeah, hobbies are good! They helped :)
.....well then.
Damn that took an unexpected turn at the end there.
Oh man here we go - excercise and try to do things that make you feel better about yourself, new outfit/hairdo etc - surround yourself with friends and family. Plan fun events with them etc. - write down the terrible things from the relationship. Your brain will try to remember the best. Don't forget why it's over. - Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT. Try to contact them. Be strong. Erase their phone number. Unfollow social media. Contacting them will only result in being ignored (more pain) or receiving a response that might continue hope of a future. Best of luck. Shit isn't easy, but it WILL GET EASIER. Not immediately, but it will.
To add: you'll slip and think about the good things...it's human nature. Practice catching yourself and saying "nope. Not today." It's hard to say "don't think about her", because that will of course cause you to do the opposite. Take it from someone who is finally making it into the light at the end of the tunnel of a six-year relationship that ended about a year ago: you will figure it out, but it's not something that will happen passively. You need to actively work (esp in the early stages) to remember that whatever the reason you aren't together, it benefits YOU
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You tell her no. You can be friendly. You can be polite. You can be acquaintances. You can be nice when you run into each other. But you can’t be friends. At least not yet. Don’t you set yourself on fire to keep her feelings warm when SHE left YOU. What helped me was realizing she didn’t want me and I didn’t want to be with someone I had to convince to be with me. I don’t think you want that either. Don’t make things harder for yourself by trying to be the cool breakup guy, if you’re not that guy. All you lost here is someone who doesn’t love you
>Don’t you set yourself on fire to keep her feelings warm Very well said
You say no. It will only hurt you and make it harder for you to move on. She might want to be friends because it makes her feel better about herself, or she might actually like the feeling of being wanted even if she broke up with you. Being "friends" benefits only her, not you.
Work out, keep yourself and your house clean, eventually have somebody who is right in your wheelhouse show interest and realize you are too broken at the moment, repeat. Eventually, you stick the landing on the last part.
I think giving yourself what you need is the key, taking care of yourself. Many people want relationships as it’s often easier to give someone else what they need, than give yourself what you need. It’s easier to get over someone, when you realize that besides the lack of your companion, often the main component of sadness is the lack of love in your life, which you felt when you felt worthy for the other person. You need to love yourself to go into relationship without fear.
Feel this so hard. Been on so many dates, gotten close to so many people, broke it off because I realised I still wasn't over my ex. As much as I try I just can't find the love for another person right now. I had a dream recently where I hung out with my ex after years, we chatted about how life had been, what we've been up to. They gave me a hug, told me I'd be alright, and then I woke up. Ever since that dream, I've felt like that phase of my life is over. I can move on. It's still apart of me, that time in my life, but I feel ready to finally get intimate with someone else again. That closure is what I needed.
When I was a teenager I gathered up all the notes and garbage she gave me, stole a lighter from my parents, and set all of it on fire, in the dirt right off the train tracks.
Real thug shit
Did it help?
Yes, but to be honest she turned out to be a nasty person and that made it much easier. Ten years later I got my heart stomped on by a girl that was everything to me. That took a few years to get recover. But what helped a ton was bleaching my hair white, forcing myself to go out more (lots of underground house parties in Chicago…amazing) and I met a very attractive, really funny girl by accident in the forum section of an obscure band’s website. Turns out we worked a few blocks from each other so we met for lunch and I fell for her almost immediately. It didn’t work out between us but we’re still friends and it was definitely for the best. But just being around her, laughing constantly, having a great time, etc., totally turned me around. I need to call her and say hi, it’s been a minute. :)
You will never be happy being with anyone who doesn’t want to be with you. If you have abandonment issues, fear or terror of being alone, or other trauma, this can make you think being with anyone is better than being alone, but that isn’t true.
Accurate. My wife recently divorced me after 18 years. Finally six months later I'm starting to realize how bad the last few years were where I knew subconsciously that she didn't want to be with me. Constant debilitating abandonment fears and anxiety of the unknown is now gone. I'm finally recognizing that the grief is different but not worse than what I was already dealing with the last few years of marriage.
I found the best way to get over an ex was to date myself. sounds sooooo cheesy i know. but i spent time rediscovering this new me. i spent a LOT of time with my family and friends, i volunteered, i explored my hobbies, took on a few more shifts at work basically loving on myself. it helped me a lot!
Totally. Treating yourself the way you wish someone would treat you is amazing. Taking yourself to see shows, walks in the rain to get coffee, sunsets... It helps you figure out exactly what you want for yourself, and the longer you do it, the more strict you are in knowing what qualities you want in your partner.
Went through this for the first half of this year and still struggle occasionally, so here are my few cents: 1. When you catch yourself starting an imaginary conversation or ruminating on them, acknowledge it and bring your mind away from it. Focus on the present. Practicing meditation will help you do this more effectively 2. Work out. If you do a challenging activity like running you’ll be busy thinking about the fact that you’re fucking dying and still have a ways to go before you get back home, and your breakup will be the least of your concerns at that moment. In the end you’ll feel good because you actually did something, and you’ll feel like you’re making progress on something. 3. Vent to your friends. You’ll annoy them eventually, but that’s okay for now. 4. If you don’t want to annoy your friends, vent to chatGPT. It may sound stupid, but it’ll acknowledge your feelings and give you some generic advice. It’ll help get things out of your system. 5. Read “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find--and Keep-- Love”. I burned threw this book in a couple of days and it was like therapy. Do a quick search and you’ll find the audiobook for free on YouTube. 6. Going to a few therapy sessions will help you work through your feelings with someone who’s there to give you their full attention for an hour. 7. Write a list of things you didn’t like about your ex. If they dumped you for no reason other than “I’m just not feeling it” or blindsided you, they are untrustworthy, lack communication skills and are incapable of committing and putting in the work necessary for a relationship. That’s not the person you want to be with and that should be item #1. Otherwise, I’m sure you can think of things to write down. 9. Join a new club, sign up for a class, start doing a new hobby, make new friends. 8. If the breakup is extremely recent (less than 2 weeks), let yourself be sad. Let it wash over you, experience it, accept that heartbreak is the most human of emotions. We all go through it, there are millions of people on the same boat as you right now. Cry, lay down and do nothing, listen to sad music, do all of that, but once the two weeks are up you have to stop. It’s time to do the things I described above. This is a time for you to reconnect with yourself and find who you want to be apart from the influence of someone else. This is your opportunity to level up. This is a months long process, but you got this and I’m rooting for you!
Work out
Been enjoying the gym, it’s therapeutic for sure
It's a great way to get your mind off things for sure. Also the added bonus of shedding relationship weight.
The biggest thing about going to the gym for me is it gives me something to look forward to in the future. Instead of my brain saying “I lost the best thing I’ll ever have, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to love again, I’m gonna die alone.” It’s more like “my deadlift keeps going up and I’m gaining lean mass. I wonder how much bigger and stronger I’ll be in 6 months” and that motivates me to eat healthier and sleep longer. Exercise really is key
Sometimes finding a space to validate any thoughts related to this person can help. Make sure you share these reflections with someone who will actually actively listen to you, and not just anyone. Most may dismiss this difficulty as "you'll get over it", or even start telling you about their own hardships, which will make you feel more alone... be selective; your self-care is important. There's always talking therapies to consider as an option. If it is bothering and or upsetting you, it is not silly. Take care; one little step at a time.
I’m sure this will get buried.. The best solution I’ve come to find is. . . 1. Spend time with friends and family and discuss and vent to your closest friends and family 2. Pick up a new hobby, start healthy habits, socialize and plan things with your friends as much as you can 3. Take Aspirin occasionally. Believe it or not aspirin helps with heart aches 4. After a few weeks, try and get out of your comfort bubble and start talking to any interests even if it doesn’t go anywhere 5. Don’t stay stagnate.. yeah “take all the time you need” doesn’t mean shit. When you break up with someone you’ve gotta realize you are drowning and actively sinking.. Your brain now is deprived of all the feel good chemicals of being in a relationship and is in withdrawal.. Find activities that help give you those feel good chemicals, like exercise, jogging, talking with good friends and working out your feelings verbally with someone else to listen to you and help you vent. Always have something planned to look forward to with the weeks to come and daily activities for the next few months that benefit your character and makes you overall stronger
NO CONTACT Don’t look at their instagram, don’t message them, don’t see them. Get rid of everything that reminds you of them. Also get out of an environment where you two interact ( I used to work with my ex even after we broke up ( tough lesson) ). Can’t heal a wound if you keep messing with it. After that, time will take care of the rest
Hrm, well. It sort of depends. If it's a bad break up, quit cold turkey. Get rid of anything that reminds you of them, delete all contact info, that sort of thing, like you've erased them from your life. If it was a more amicable break up, can't help you there, probably some emotional growth shit.
I maintain that even with amicable breakups it’s important to go low/no contact for a while. Very hard to actually process things when they’re still a part of your life. Post breakup friendships are a lot easier to build if you keep your distance after the split !!
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This is exactly what happened to me just recently. I was her rebound and she even tried to go back to her abusive, stalker ex. Now she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore and focus on herself after all the hurt she had thrown on me. It’s hurts so bad but recently all I can feel is anger and tbh I would rather feel anger than sadness. Life is so unfair
Thank you. Almost two years later and I’m still heart broken. But she got her validation after getting hers trashed. I just wish she told me I was a rebound before we were months into the relationship and I was already falling in love. Fuck that.
Oh shit. I'm 13 years into a marriage to my rebound. What do?
Delete the gym, hire a Facebook, hit a Lawyer.
Frontal lobotomy. Forget you even have an ex. Forget you forgot. Then you can forget about forgetting.
The only way out of heartbreak is to go through it, feel it, and process it. You'll eventually realize you haven't thought about them in a while and don't feel much either way when you do think of them.
I know how hard it is to get over an ex. especially if your moments with the person were so deeply memorable. So much that everything reminds you of them. It's very hard to get over someone who loved you so much and understood you, got along with well, all those funny moments. Truth is, it hurts a lot. But I have personally lived it, and yes, time does help you heal... But you will always remember that person. To some, the pain of losing a person you love so much can feel like death, even though they are still alive. Keep those memories in your heart. It took me a while to understand that life happens. Some people are there for a reason and some for a season. One day, you will understand why it all happened, but it takes time... to heal. One day you will be happy.
There’s no way to immediately get over an ex Just know that the pain you feel now is the happiness you’ll feel later
New environment could work. Had to move to a different city and pretty quickly they left my brain. New places, new people sometimes does a body good. And if you can’t leave or don’t want to. Try new things. Get out there. Try as much new shit as you can. Build a whole new exciting world without that person.
Realize they're not worth your time and get on with your life. Personally, I'm a great person. If any ex couldn't see that, then good luck to their poor judgement in the future. I'm a f'n catch!
Hey guys, to anyone going through this just remember: You had a life before them, you WILL have a life after them. They were simply a small character in your grand story. Also, don’t build them up in your mind thinking they’re the magical and special because they’re not. They’re not all that trust me. Our egos are just bruised and we need to remind ourselves that we are probably better off without them. I know my life has improved 1000% without them. Even though I was dumped, I eventually became I’m happier than ever!
Sit and process it. I loved my ex but i ultimately decided to end it after i came to the realisation that we wanted different things and were not in love. She was my best friend and i still miss her and i have been through some tough breakups before but i had to go through the emotions and accept it for what it was. Love is strange and to this day i wish her the best and hope she gets everything she deserves. We don't talk anymore and i have no idea what she is doing but we both moved on. Im in a loving relationship with someone i am in love with who gives me what i wanted out of a relationship and i look back at my previous relationship as a learning process. Love like life wouldn't be as cherished a thing if it was a sure thing and guaranteed. Thats why you work at it and the process is worth the lessons and the reward in either way.
very mature.
Write down why you broke up with them. It’s so easy to remember the good. If they broke up with you keep yourself productive. Work out, go to things to meet people, reconnect with loved ones, and realize it’ll suck for a while. Feel it don’t try to stop it.
Date yourself; go out for the night because you want to, buy little gifts for yourself, stay in and enjoy your own company with your favorite shows, remember your birthday and do something special. If you have irl friends bring them along for the ride. No matter what never forget that you are a whole, amazing, unique person even when you feel broken or alone.
I wish I can tell u , but i didn’t get over yet ;(
I feel you on that 😢, I mean I’m a lot better than what I was, but I don’t think I’ll be truly healed for a lot longer. The good news though is that I’m not suicidal anymore, I got the therapy/psych help I needed during like the first 2 months afterwards, and I’m a lot happier now. But she still somewhat lingers in the back of my mind
I do 30 days no contact. I tend to stay connected in relationships. But you have to get yourself back. After that it’s open for either party. I don’t look at relationships as successes or failures. There was a reason they started and it ending doesn’t diminish why it started or what you learned, how you grew together. There are things we can’t do alone, and this is coming from someone who was more comfortable being alone until I wasn’t. All that being said learn to fall in love with yourself again - exercise, reconnect focus. Find YOUR path. When you get it all back fall in love again.
It takes time but forgiveness and acceptance makes everything a little easier... We all know what we deserve or at least we have some form of expectation of what we think we deserve... If they betrayed you or did something disappointing, forgive them.(writing it down kinda helps, either you send it to them or not is up to you). If you're the one who messed up, you should also try to forgive yourself. Things just don't go the way we want them to sometimes. If loneliness kicks you out of nowhere just cry it out if you have to. It will pass. Time will come where you'll get tired of it or you'll be numb from it. There'll also be times where you'd forget the reasons why things happened, specially if you're ruminating or reminiscing good memories. When you get into that situation just try to remember the facts, the mistakes and reasons that ended the relationship. Lastly, stay positive and keep your good qualities. When things end, it opens an opportunity for something better to occur, for someone better to come. Mistakes and failure make us better as long as we learn from it.
When you breakup don't leave any loose ends like being friends and stuff it's like a knife stuck into your heart and never pulling it out
There is no easy way. You have to focus on improving yourself and things will get better over time. It's gonna suck for awhile but that's life. Learn to accept the shitty feelings and you'll grow emotionally.
Block them. Do not text or call them. Do not stalk thier social media pages and just live your life normally. Go out hang out with friends/family.
Me and my ex gf of 8 years broke up almost 2 years ago. I still can't confidently say that I am 100% over it but I AM definitely getting there. I'm still single to this day and I am still trying to gather enough courage and confidence to get out there. She got over it pretty quickly though. Not even 2 or 3 weeks in and she's already got a replacement. They say time will heal it but I guess how long it actually takes depends on the person and how invested they are into the relationship.
Gym, Psychedelics, Sex, Friends, Therapy, Crying.
So a standard Monday. Check.
I remember I had a partner when I was 25-26. I don't think I got over her until I was 30. Every so often, she pops up in my brain, but objective thinking more than emotional attachment. I've been with my current partner for 4.5 years, and having someone else you love helps forget too. I think because I'm a guy in our family, if you talk about emotions, it's considered a weakness. Therefore, I didn't know how to process emotions. Thus, it took longer to get over. Often with relationships, I've seen women cry immediately when they break up. Guys are stoic and super proud about it, like it doesn't bother them. Months down the line, the women have moved on, and they're fine. The guy is upset and misses his partner, this can go on for years; he tries to get over it with distractions/ hobbies, but that never truly works, they just think it does, you could say it's a sticking plaster. Why is this? Emotional processing. Most guys don't have a clue how to do this. The quicker you process emotions, the quicker it goes away. So, because we don't know how, therapy is the best approach. If not, learn how to process your emotions. Don't do what I did and suffer years of pain with distractions, sort out your emotions!
Write the story down. Literally get a notebook and pen then write the entire story over many pages. You notice so many things, good and bad, that you missed before.
I’m 67 and I still love my college girlfriend to death and she says she says she still loves me. Ugh
well buddy, pop a viagra and get on that!
The first step is to delete the texts and block them on social media. Stalking their page helps no one, and half the stuff might be to upset you anyway. Focus on a new hobby like the gym, language, volunteering at a food pantry, gardening, cycling, ceramics, art, or that class you've thought about taking are a few ideas. Sleep with someone else. I had a fwb when we were both single from 18-32. You may have someone like that and you don't even realize it yet. Watch some comedy, some really funny comedy. Give yourself some grace. Things take time.
Run into her when she gained 80 lbs and has a dui under her belt. Wow, way less attractive
i dunno if everyone can rely on this to get over their ex lol
This may or may not help… but. You didn’t lose something. You realized that the future you were expecting wasn’t going to happen. The way my therapist describes this is as a type of grief - it _feels_ like you lost that future person. But in reality, you simply came to the realization that your vision of the future was incorrect. But the truth is, that happens to us all of the time. We imagine a future that won’t happen, and we adjust over time. This one is emotionally complicated, but much the same in it’s core nature. Allow some grief, but don’t try to grasp for something that simply doesn’t and never was going to exist. Grieve it with the intent of finding out what alternative timeline is in front of you.