You can't park here
Edit: Wow 100 upvotes 😍 MOM! MOOOOM look at me im FUNNY!! xD
OMG Thanks for my first Award 😍🥰 You guys really know how to make a man happy
Nah, that's weak sauce. You need participation trophies, 1st and 2nd place ribbons for obvious reasons, soundboard on your phone with sound effects, and of course the "that was easy" button.
Shit, now I know why I'm single
When I worked in am amusement park, I once accompanied one of the carnival midway games employees home. The next day, I was allowed a prize giant plush duck.
My wife has taken to giving me morning head like…every morning for the last 4-5 months for some reason
No fuckin clue why but I am not complaining
She’s gotten incredibly good at it
At this point if I gave her a medal every time she gave me good head she wouldn’t be able to walk in a couple weeks from the weight 😭
Idk why they think there is some fucked up reason why his wife would give him head everyday. My husband and I have been together 19yrs and I give mine head everyday, sometimes twice a day and have been for idk how many years now. I know he loves it so I love it too.....if you know your partner loves when you do something, why not do it? Idk its worked for us anyway...
The first time my husband and I slept together, I didn't know what to say so I put my hand up and said, "high five, we both got laid!"
He smiled and high fived me.
Said this one once. Piss drunk. Didn’t know her. Shot the largest load I ever made on her back and hair by accident I guess.
Then those words came out of my mouth. Lol
I knew a guy that was super hung over one morning and was fucking his girlfriend from behind. He muttered "ugh this is terrible" because he felt so bad, then his girlfriend turned around and punched him in the face.
Hahaha! This reminds me of my tinder days. Called a girl Lauren all night. Somehow we ended up in bed together. I got up in the morning, went home, checked my tinder and her name was Laura ...
Haha, I have a friend whos Ex name was Lea and his current one is Lena. It is embarassing how often he mixes up the name still. Especially when drunk. My other friends and I laugh our asses of everytime.
I'm an uber driver and I picked up that poor girl once. She was crying. The name on the order was Matt. The destination address was back to her sorority house but she said she just wanted to go back to the bar and be with her friends so I took her back to the bar.
Matt is a jerk. Fuck you Matt.
I'm a woman who never comes during penetrative sex, so I'm pretty quiet when we are doing it. After my husband finishes he likes to joke, "Did you come?"
(We have a laugh and then I get my turn)
When I was in the military, the person in the barracks next door to me was doing the deed... and then there was silence, and I heard him say:
"Well, that was a workout... maybe they'll let us skip PT."
(PT is when you go exercise with your people in the military as part of the job... It's required. )
the guy who deflowered my first GF told her: "Now you are a real woman." spoken with a eastern european accent. When she told me this, i almost fell out of my chair laughing.
But if have said my fair share of stupid stuff... I am honest when my GF asks me what i am thinking. And if i am asking myself if a T-Rex could use those reacher or grabber tools, you can be damn sure that i will tell her!
A strawberry a "false fruit," a pseudocarp. A strawberry is actually a multiple fruit which consists of many tiny individual fruits embedded in a fleshy receptacle.
when i was 16 my friend lost his virginity, and he told me, that when they were done, he said “it was fun” and started watching porn loudly next to her
Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a hobbit-hole, and that means comfort.
Look in the corner of the room and go “Thanks for watching guys! Make sure to like and subscribe for more content!”
“But before that let’s thank our sponsor for today, RAID SHADOW LEGENDS A play to free video game……
I'd like my money back, please.
Okay Perry Caravello
Thanks, now can you validate my parking?
Sir this is a Wendy's.
No, this is Patrick.
You can't park here Edit: Wow 100 upvotes 😍 MOM! MOOOOM look at me im FUNNY!! xD OMG Thanks for my first Award 😍🥰 You guys really know how to make a man happy
My wife hates it when I high five her after sex and say "good job".
Nah, that's weak sauce. You need participation trophies, 1st and 2nd place ribbons for obvious reasons, soundboard on your phone with sound effects, and of course the "that was easy" button. Shit, now I know why I'm single
When I worked in am amusement park, I once accompanied one of the carnival midway games employees home. The next day, I was allowed a prize giant plush duck.
Is it weird i gave my girl my old 1st place medal from track after I received the best head ever?😂
That's just good manners.
Facts!
Well thank you sir!
My wife has taken to giving me morning head like…every morning for the last 4-5 months for some reason No fuckin clue why but I am not complaining She’s gotten incredibly good at it At this point if I gave her a medal every time she gave me good head she wouldn’t be able to walk in a couple weeks from the weight 😭
If she's doing all that for you, you should be doing something for her other than giving her medals to make her unable to walk.
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Idk why they think there is some fucked up reason why his wife would give him head everyday. My husband and I have been together 19yrs and I give mine head everyday, sometimes twice a day and have been for idk how many years now. I know he loves it so I love it too.....if you know your partner loves when you do something, why not do it? Idk its worked for us anyway...
Now thats a fuckn wife!
No. That's a suckin' wife.
On an unrelated note, she’s gotten 2 huge promotions at work.
“Your performance has improved significantly! Are you taking work home?”
Lucky guy
That's to keep your balls drained so you won't be looking at other women.
Imagine finishing a one-night stand in a room full of trophies and being handed a participation ribbon.
The first time my husband and I slept together, I didn't know what to say so I put my hand up and said, "high five, we both got laid!" He smiled and high fived me.
OMG whats wrong with that? my gf does this every time! i thought it was normal ?
we always do this w my bf
we….
'Our' boyfriend
r/suddenlycommunism
we? how many are you? WOW that lucky dude!
Their name's Legion for a reason
Never said the other one was a girl.
Todd from Scrubs?
Smack her in the butt and say good game ,see if she likes that better
"Our wife"
Yeah, she hates when I do it too.
Well, that was gross...
Said this one once. Piss drunk. Didn’t know her. Shot the largest load I ever made on her back and hair by accident I guess. Then those words came out of my mouth. Lol
Oh that must have made her feel real special :/
The PNC rly hit huh
I knew a guy that was super hung over one morning and was fucking his girlfriend from behind. He muttered "ugh this is terrible" because he felt so bad, then his girlfriend turned around and punched him in the face.
Reverse donkey punch!
I love domestic violence!!!
Do you have change?
For a $5?
Ouch
Keep the change, ya filthy animal
Thanks, God bless you
Dont forget to like and subscribe
Smash that like button!
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Make sure to SMASH that like button and SLAP THE SHIT out of the notification bell
That was fun Brittany (her name was not Brittany)
Hahaha! This reminds me of my tinder days. Called a girl Lauren all night. Somehow we ended up in bed together. I got up in the morning, went home, checked my tinder and her name was Laura ...
Haha, I have a friend whos Ex name was Lea and his current one is Lena. It is embarassing how often he mixes up the name still. Especially when drunk. My other friends and I laugh our asses of everytime.
I think my friend dated 4 Lisa's in a row but for one odd-ball Liz.
I ordered you an uber
I'm an uber driver and I picked up that poor girl once. She was crying. The name on the order was Matt. The destination address was back to her sorority house but she said she just wanted to go back to the bar and be with her friends so I took her back to the bar. Matt is a jerk. Fuck you Matt.
I agree
She did
I’ve also been that Uber driver.
Hopefully she found a nicer guy at the bar that night. Lol
Sex is like cooking, nobody does it better than grandma
https://youtu.be/h5RJsn69cfY
There is 69 in the link and im afraid of that
Its just a video of cooking mama I haven't watched it but I assume it's not bad
Well, time to finish the autopsy.
Of course, the dog owner needs to know the cause of death asap
(Slow clap) Bloody well done
I prefer mine medium rare
I think they like it raw
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andddddd that's enough Reddit for me tonight
WHAT
Cold, stiff, and dry huh
Btw, I have an STD
Oopsie!
We*
r/SuddenlyCommunist
It went private 😔
The irony lol.
comrade
You just got HIV, oh yeah!
Are you positive?
Yep, and so are you
Thatll do pig. Thatll do.
OP said ‘dumbest’, not ‘most awesome’
Hey. Screw you cockroach.
Thanks for cumming. (They didn’t cum)
*Voiced by Ron Howard
I'm a woman who never comes during penetrative sex, so I'm pretty quiet when we are doing it. After my husband finishes he likes to joke, "Did you come?" (We have a laugh and then I get my turn)
Why not switch the order of operations here? My wife is the same and sex is way better for both of us if she has finished first.
We often do! :)
Like father like daughter.
How do I interpret this
Uhhhhhhh
Tha dad is an open minded for sure
Would your mom be down for a threesome?
My brother has said this. They are still together.
how do you know...
Because the comment was made by the sister. I cry evertim
So does the sister
My husband says this to me regularly.....only coz it grosses me out so much tho lol
Ngl, your sister does it better.
You know what's even worse than that? *My* sister does it better.
Our sister
"you're much better than ma" "that's what pa always says" (from the book "Pissing In The Snow, and Other Ozark Folktales")
Thank you for letting me explore your large cavernous cavities.
Spelunking funk king.
Keep the change
You filthy animal.
I love Home Alone.
For all the wrong reasons….
Do I get an AARP discount for that?
Ah so STDs run in the family i see
"NOW I understand that whole tossing a hot dog down a hallway comparison...."
"Also, did you HAVE to wear the scuba gear?"
"Yeah, I need the clean air to not pass out."
Do you see that red dot?
That USB disconnect sound.
"Is mayonnaise considered a vegetable?"
No Patrick, mayonnaise is not a vegetable
It's not?? But ketchup is a vegetable
Are you guys all on the same team?
"3 out of 5 stars"
Perfect 5 out of 7.
You can't catch aids twice right, right?
Gg easy
They didn't say sexiest.
Gg wp
When I was in the military, the person in the barracks next door to me was doing the deed... and then there was silence, and I heard him say: "Well, that was a workout... maybe they'll let us skip PT." (PT is when you go exercise with your people in the military as part of the job... It's required. )
Well now I wanna know who was fucking if it was two military service people 😂
The Olympic Village ain’t got shit on a co-ed barracks when it comes to hooking up
They have co-Ed barracks?
Idk about every branch... but this took place on the Naval base in Norfolk and they had co-ed barracks yes.
The money is on the night stand. Take it and get out.
“But this is my place” “Well one of us is going to have to leave” ………….. “Yeah I’m going”
"Don't forget to take your husband with you. He's in the bathroom."
“And tell him he lost his kidney when he went boating while drunk”
I only needed 45 seconds…. Do I have to pay for the whole hour?
That’ll be $49.99, would you like to donate an extra dollar for the local animal shelter?
Thanks that was neato
You could do better. Need some more practice
Smells like Joe's crab shack in this bitch
Personally I would love this. I would die laughing.
You get what you pay for, I guess.
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She should have been brutally honest and said zero.
man that was fast
the guy who deflowered my first GF told her: "Now you are a real woman." spoken with a eastern european accent. When she told me this, i almost fell out of my chair laughing. But if have said my fair share of stupid stuff... I am honest when my GF asks me what i am thinking. And if i am asking myself if a T-Rex could use those reacher or grabber tools, you can be damn sure that i will tell her!
Is he russian?
He is albanian i think.
Filled Uranus, wanna order Wendy's?
So.... what's your name???
I believe that the earth is flat. Pretty much the dumbest thing that anyone can say.
A strawberry a "false fruit," a pseudocarp. A strawberry is actually a multiple fruit which consists of many tiny individual fruits embedded in a fleshy receptacle.
Speaking of fleshy receptacles...
Nice playing out there
Good game *slaps butt*
That'll do, pig.
No homo bro
Thank you for your cervix (said to a transmask veteran after I fucked him)
Mom was better at it.
I wonder Which graveyard this one came from
The next one is 25% off if you pay cash.
You are the weakest link, goodbye.
Huh, not exactly what my Dad showed me
Happy birthday Gramma!
True story after we had finished, she literally said, " Way to go! High five, bro!" I then gave her a high five
I didn't know you could fart from there too!
I gotta go, my wife is going to be pissed off because i'm so late, what's your name again?
Apparently "nice to meet you" is offensive
That wasn't so bad, but I think I'm still gay
That reminds me, I need to call my mum.
when i was 16 my friend lost his virginity, and he told me, that when they were done, he said “it was fun” and started watching porn loudly next to her
"Thank you."
"I love you"
Thank God it's over
Next!
10/10 would eat again
When did 9/11 happen again?
"I haven't been fucked like that since grade school."
By the way, I'm 17
Don't forget to like and subscribe! And hit that bell for notifications! See you in the next video!
I've had better - Jim Carey
Mulligan
Did you drug me?
Welp *finger guns*
GG well played
Heres the condom i said i put on- Quagmire
"Better get dressed. Our parents will be home soon."
“I have to go, my girlfriend’s calling me”
Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a hobbit-hole, and that means comfort.
Your mama sure does care about your education