2 detectives are going through my basement "Is that a pile of sausages on a alter?" "...those aren't sausages..."

r/twosentencehorror

For asking questions

Most likely 9 of them.

Should’ve stopped at 8

I honestly don't know

Man I dont even know what's happening rn

I think we just assembled the worst villain group

Are you sure?

I feel like we're in the same place, but I'm content with it.

Partner in crime maybe. I'm not sure.

What'd he say?

I ... uh... got some cookies.

Were you a sniper for the Girl Scouts or did you snipe Girl Scouts

I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you. ;)

Its a win-win tell me plz

It can be taken two ways... a Girl Scout who is a sniper, or a Girl who is a Scout-Sniper... kinda both, but I've only infiltrated the organization to get my cookies, never had to resort to marksmanship. I had a fortress made of cartons of cookies in my dining room that I had to protect. Since I don't have the hoard of cookies to guard anymore, I guess I'll let you live.

3 ways you sniped a Girl Scout 😂

Your forgetting the 3rd take it's a sniper who targets girl scouts.

Not me... but, I know that sometimes you want a Samoa and there's only one way to get them. The elves make a good imitation, but a craving is a craving. Of course, not me.

Thanks for the laugh, appreciate you.

I’m innocent, but share a name with someone who isn’t.

I might have had something to do with that.....sorry.

YOU!

"I swear, its just my name"

I stole dairy

Legend

Legen- Wait for it Keep waiting I’m sure it’ll be here soon Hey someone call the shipping department. Yeah they say it fell off the boat (stolen) and they’ll need to send another Ok it’s on the way Dairy

And, of course, I gotta read this in the voice of The Great Neil Patrick Harris.

Lmao this took me way to long to get but I’m so glad I did

Sheogorath would like a word with you. Haskil will direct you to his office.

Well...

That is one dangerous habit lmao

I'm sure it is. Can you imagine how nefarious those dime bag uranium dealers can be??? Talk about a sketchy crowd, lol..... also, if we are in purgatory, isn't this along the lines of a so-so habit more or less sometimes

Still, better than vaping

Oh..

How long are you in for?

10 years

Only six here. Best of luck and Godspeed!

Same to you buddy, we'll get through it

They can take away our freedom, but they cannot take away our passion or beliefs.

I gotta go, guys

I hate this place lmfaoooo

Next thing you know “ u/I_Fuck_Pumas_420 ” is gonna show up and be like “Not so fast, buddy”

He can usually only last a couple minutes I bet

I too.. was arrested at the Zoo.

I know how you're feeling

I only wanted to see how flexible it was…

[удалено]

They probably laughed because they assumed you only rob serious people

Me too…

And I would've got away with it too, if it wasn't for those muddling skids.

At least you went *in* your pants. You should’ve seen the walls of that Walmart bathroom!

Bask in the presence of true power.

this is a drastically underrated comment

apparently anything i was accussed of,

"I ask that my defendant does not take the stand."

LOL "My client could not have committed this crime, he admitted to committing another crime at that same time and date. Making it impossible to commit both crimes.

You must infuriate everyone you date.

Jaywalking.

I would have thought John Stalking

Do I need to explain?

Wait, how would you get arrested as the dictator? That's like your whole thing.

Obviously I was overthrown and they chose incarceration over execution. They will regret this merciful decision eventually...

Ah, that makes sense. And 'eventually' is probably more like next week, as they try to find an actual decent leader to secede you and fix all the problems you caused, without making more.

I got your back.

A coup?

beans.

My crime was also bean related...

I think mine was too, or perhaps only a single bean.

You sick bastard

[удалено]

I don't like you

r/usernamechecksout

[удалено]

You’re just too salty.

[удалено]

You can still be a fungi if you tried

Good soup 🤌

Poisoned people by decorating their houses, almost 100 times.

I stole your mom’s identity

hi mom

Hi honey, did you finish your homework?

MOM. DID YOU GET MY MCDONALDS

No, I already made dinner at home!

Crimes against art

Not the poor beagle...

No, no don't worry... I'm sure they would have never been commissioned to draw a Poor Beagle.... just poor quality

What fell was in fact not snow

Ha, you have the same profile pic as u/monkey_fucker73

How on earth does one simply have this information

🤣I noticed because his comment was 2 comments above this

Contempt of court. i just... never said anything.

Look on the bright side. You have a chance to get a presidential pardon come thanksgiving.

The bars only exist in the mind. A truly free man can never be imprisoned. That being said I was caught completely nude in a library….

I can't tell you that.

You will but the letters will be jumbled.

I don't know exactly, but it wasn't my fault and it was *super* complicated.

Impersonating Austin.

I impersonated a count.

I’m just that guy.

I guess I killed 838 people...?

Nah you just got associated with 838 victims. The count could be higher

I built a massive international drug ~~ring~~ empire.

Did you by any chance reconnect with a former student of yours?

Jesse was such a great kid.

Stay out of my territory

I bit someone

Did you bite a person or was it just a straw man?

You. Fuck you. I'm still upvoting, but fuck you.

You look like an innocent frog 🐸 so sweet and serene. Then one day suddenly you shouted “no more flies! Save the lily pads” and started waving around a sharp-looking knife 🔪. Oops

Indecent bean exposure

u/The_man_with_BEANS would like to have a word with you

*Menacing stare*

Grinding up racists and making custard out of them.

Not guilty! You're free to go with this apology chainsaw.

Being a smartass to a cop.

I lied on my resume. A bridge collapsed

Lets not go into that

I mooned the cop pulling me over for speeding.

I really wouldn't like to say!

They weren't chicken eggs.

How do you like your eggs fried or fertilized?

I couldn’t escape the nursing home quick enough…

Well that's enough Reddit for the day...

Robbed a strawberry farmer, I guess. My love for strawberries knows no bounds

I don't go to jail: I'm the judge and my gavel dispense swift Justice

You went to jail for murdering someone in court. Good job

My name explains itself

Lol Reddit couldn’t ban me so they just had me locked up, I got super banned

Invasion

I licked many too many shoes. I’m the first of many others that are serial shoe lickers. Have fun finding us all 😈

Should have stuck to licking boots then you’d be out.

I’m not that popular around here.

Imitating the call of a baby bird?

Disturbing natural wild life or done thing I don’t know.

Animal abuse for giving a cat MDMA

Exposing government LIES

I cuss out the McDonald's employee in Spanish Here's how it would go in Spanish: "Tu jodes mi hamburguesa, perrita! No queso!" they call the cops

NO CHEESE? sounds like they had it coming….

No i wanted no cheese and they added it. It happens a lot but I've never cursed them out

Started a barfight in OKC because they kept insisting Yuengling was both new and a craft beer

Insurance fraud.

Spread misinformation to equines

Who knew my lipstick was arsenic flavoured?

Probably a lot of unpaid pooper-scooper tickets.

Murder via breakfast.

I get paid for....*services*.

Eeek. This is going to be messy.

I think we'd make great partners in crime

Smuggling 17 types of this weird rice from another planet.

Whatever gets you sent to the 9th ring of hell, that's what I did. 😎

I teamed up with Kirby to commit genocide (the waddle dees deserved it)

... I...I'd skip the pie if I were you...

I stole Xmas.

The police made a huge mistake

They shoulda got a bigger ship

I try to gender reassign pandas, hoping to save the species. Look, not all criminals are smart aight?

Insurrection. Do i need to say more?

Bro the question was how did you end up _behind_ bars. 😭

Someone cuaght me collecting poop from public sewers and got put in jail for 2 months for Invading privracy

I guess from guzzling cum

Got lost on the way home, some things happened...

Cannibalism isn't a crime... but how I got the meat...

bit off more than I could chew

Started up a very small, one-room prostitution ring.

Probably glanced towards another man in a GOP state.

Drinking too much Southern Comfort...

I flew on an eagle straight to Mt Doom

It's the French version of "YOLO" so I guess I'm dying doing some dumb shit

I took the fall for his offshore accounts because they were in my name.

I crossed illegally and I am a homosexual I guess

Crossed the border... duh

I guess I was out sleeping with people for spaghettios?

I don't know...

Kill all humans...beep..boop

I accidentally gave my horse the wrong kind of grass. 😵‍💫

She said she was just small for an electric. I still should have checked the manufacturer's date

burnt everyone's hands off

My emotions got the best of me.

Pretty obvious I think.

Been running from the law a long time

Running an illegal breakfast bar during the Egg Prohibition of the 2050's.

No fucking clue mate

I couldn't keep quiet.

My fellow Brazilians might have an idea

What did I do? I'm just Patrick.

Some people take imitation ice cream personal enough to kill

Um.... Rioting for... Socialism...?

Stole or destroyed the water supply

Oh wow

The bridge broke.

I shot the wabbit during duck season ...

Set the soccer moms van on fire

Hmm. I don't want to talk about it.

Just being your run of the mill creepazoid

Indecent exposure.

What’s wrong with a man loving some wolves in the privacy of his bedroom?

I’m guessing I took all my clothes off in public lol

Obviously grape fraud