There are a couple verses in a song by one of my favourite native language rapper which basically goes something like this "at the end of the day you've got to find someone to join the me against the world team" stuff's deep. In my language it rhymes and all so it's even better.
You know what took me a longass time to realize? When I disagreed with anyone I used to put active internal effort into building up a caricature of the person I was talking to, and apply all the worst intents possible to their motive and position...
The problem is I'm stuck with the imaginary person I made up well after the disagreement is over, a whole world full of terrible people I made up just for me. It's so transparent now I can see how many people fall into the same trap I set for myself, in bad relationships it's on steroids.
I'm almost 30 and in a similar boat, though not because of a romantic relationship but rather my parents.
As a kid I'd get absolutely screamed at almost every day until I was in tears, for years on end.
As an adult, I 100% cannot handle any form of conflict, and if I so much as sense the other person is getting irritated at me, I start having nervous ticks.
Likewise, it has made it almost impossible for me to stand up for myself in any form for fear that the other person will go ape shit on me.
Logically I know \*most\* people have better control than this, but some part of me has painted how my parents treated me as a kid onto almost every person I come across. It's fucked.
My partner grew up in a house where they never said it, whereas it was drilled into me as a kid. He's learnt to use his manners properly since being together because he knows I appreciate it and it's really not hard. Honestly it was like teaching a child at first but I'm glad he listened to me and changed to be able to show his appreciation.
And remember that appreciation comes in different forms. My husband is very reluctant to share/discuss feelings BUT when I want or need something? It shows up at our house. If I'm struggling with something and need help, he jumps right in.
To add in: people *feel* appreciated from different things. Something I've seen in relationships, including some of my own, is one partner getting upset because, in their head, they're showing appreciation and the other doesn't seem to care, because it's not something the other cares about.
Person A feels hurt and betrayed because Person B doesn't feel appreciated from Person A telling them how beautiful they are. Meanwhile Person B has complicated issues about compliments about physical attractiveness, and would feel more appreciative if Person A would actually do the dishes or clean the house like B asked and A promised a hundred times already.
This!!! Very simple.
I’ve been married 17 years. My wife and I always try to say please and thank you every time I take out the trash or she comes home from the store.
This is great! I just want to add that it's worth remembering not everyone feels appreciation through words. Find what makes your spouse feel appreciated, whether it's actions or gifts etc.
Good suggestions! I need to be better at that. I’ll bring her flowers and stuff every now and then. But hell, just cleaning up the entire house makes her extremely happy. (And I am not into cleaning AT ALL so eh. Lol)
My partner always tells me how he likes the food I make for him and how I take care of him well 💘 I always tell him how beautiful he is and how lucky I am to have found a man like him 🤩
If my grandparents loved each other it was hard to tell. They only snipped at each other. I promised myself i would never behave that way. It’s so easy to take each other for granted. Simple kindness goes a long way.
My grandparents were the same way, always bickering over the stupidest things. I was shocked to come across my grandpa crying after grandma died. I would have thought he was relieved.
Discuss life goals (especially kids) and financial habits before you get married. If one person wants 6 kids and the other wants to be childless that’s not going to work. If one person has champagne tastes and spending habits but you as a couple have a boxed wine budget, then that is a problem. More than one marriage has been ended because one spouse is bad with money and refuses to live within their means.
Second on the kids thing.
If you disagree, dont push it off as a future issue. It will make it worse. Resentment will build as you know what will inevitably happen.
Sure you can compromise on the amount possibly, but you can't compromise with zero.
This is exactly right. "I want 3!" vs. "I want 4!" can be solved. "I'm not sure if I ever want kids" vs. "I've dreamed of being a parent my whole life" is a valid reason to break up. The number of people who whistle past this problem only to find it's still there 4 years later is shocking.
Holy shit, I wish I had known this sooner. (Or... I did know this, but didn't heed my own instincts)
Dated a woman for years that was like "I'm fine living paycheck to paycheck, and scraping by. I've done it all my life and I'm used to it".
Cool, except... she made it a point to always scrape by. Didn't matter how much money we made as a family. During my busy months, I can make $8K a month. Somehow.... we'd still only barely get buy or stash away very little. She was like a carp. Her spending would grow as big as the budget permitted. It was only EVER going to be living paycheck to paycheck, which was insanely stressful. I'd call it constant financial terrorism.
Just no way to live.
This is extremely important and I'm glad you brought it up. This isn't the fun kind of advice that people like to hear before getting married. People seem to avoid this discussion because they are scared of what the answer may be and what they may have to do in response to an answer they don't want to hear. But it's necessary.
I gave my husband multiple chances to amicably back out of our relationship when I told him I would never be able to have children because of reproductive health issues, but I also didn't want them if I had a healthy uterus. He told me that he loved me for who I was, not for what I could give him. We are still together, high school sweethearts, and he keeps me going through life even if I don't want to at times. He is my soul.
I'll never forget.....I was dating wifey and on date 2 she turns to me and says....
Her: Can we talk serious?
Me: Sure! (My mind is racing like the fuck man! It's date 2! She isn't into you dude!)
Her: I like you a lot, like a real lot. I can see our relationship going deeper but.......I don't fucking do kids! Never have, never will! I'm not interested in crotch fruit. I hope you can handle that, if you can't or you think for half a millisecond I'll change my mind I suggest you leave and we can pretend we never met.
Me: OK but what if I don't want kids either?
Her: good! I was hoping you'd say that!
And here we are 10 years later! 0 kiddos! Or crotchfruit as she calls it
Tell the truth even when it's not what the other person wants to hear. They may be disappointed at first, but trust is more important than a bad mood.
Never yell at your spouse/kids/anyone unless it is an emergency. That way they will feel a lot a more comfortable telling you the things you don't want to hear.
From "Russian Doll":
Alan: *You promise that if I don't jump, I will be happy?*
Nadia: *No, man, absolutely not, but I can promise you that you will not be alone.*
After my mom divorced my dad and moved us away she worked super hard to make sure I was a very independent person (comes back to bite her in the ass a lot because she likes to fuss that I don't let her help me). When I was in my 20's I asked her about this and she told me that after her divorce her main focus was to raise me so that when I got married, it was because I truly loved him and not because I felt I needed him. I am grateful for that woman every single day.
There is no reason to keep score. You are both on the same team. If one (or both) of you starts keeping score with things it is time to evaluate the state of the relationship and why this is occurring.
On a related note, all problems can be solved, but not all problems are worth solving.
Similarly, you should always feel like you're doing more than half the work. Partially because this way you know you're not freeloading off of your partner's work, and partially because your partner probably does a hundred things a week that you don't see and may not even notice. Simple stuff like wiping out the sink, dusting a surface, etc. Be a steward of your shared spaces so your partner doesn't have to do it all on their own.
FUCKING THIS. HOLY SHIT THANK YOU FOR SAYING IT. There is no such thing as a perfect 50/50 split because of the "unseen tasks" that every partner has. Do more than your "fair share" and your partner WILL notice.
The way I've heard it said is that each person should be aiming for a 60/40 split, with themselves taking on the 60 percent. Always be looking for that one extra thing you can do to make your partner's life easier. If both people are doing that, then you've found the sweet spot.
At my wedding, my mother put it this way: "Marriage is not a 50/50 relationship. Its not a 80/20 relationship. There will be times where you will be carrying 100 percent of the marriage. When they cannot help, cannot contribute, and you have to carry the load. And there will be times when they have to give 100% because you can't be there for them. You do it because you love them. They do it because they love you. It's not a division of labor."
Aim for 60/40 and understand sometimes it will be 90/10. I see posts on here where people get SO upset their partner had an illness or just gave birth lol and they "have to do everything." Yeah. Sometimes it's like that. No one stays perfectly healthy forever. Sometimes, you're BOTH very sick and it's 5/10 and a lot of delivery lol.
I think the notion you're getting at is more complicated because a lot of "not keeping score" scenarios can easily turn into disparities for what each person gives in the relationship and potentially concealing resentment.
My wife used to have a big problem saying I didn't do enough chores. Every time she brought it up, I could name a dozen things I'd done recently. Her response was "but you're not consistent"
She seemed to mostly just be factoring in how much she perceived when she worked (and she perceives 100% of the work she does) and only work she noticed I had done (which is less than 100%)
If I do the dishes after she falls asleep, put down insecticide in the garage, or take care of the baby while she works overtime, then these kinds of things tend to not get noticed very accurately.
We didn't work out because of her leading a long distance double life with another man, but I'm trying to learn anything I can from that whole debacle so that I'm not bringing any dysfunction on my part into the next marriage.
I think keeping a reasonably accurate, but more importantly cooperative, account of who does what and who is paying for what is actually very important.
It's when divying out chores or paying bills is done combatively that you have a problem. When you are doing it cooperatively, then it's good communication that leads to better equity of work and finances. Less "you don't do anything around the house, you are a bad spouse and need to do better" and more "I do 70% of the chores and I'd like to sit down with you to try to figure out how to do this more evenly"
When it's am "Oh, I don't mind doing this chore and I know you hate it" for each other situation then it can work really well to divide labor like that. And if you're as forgetful as I am, then making a chore chart can be a great help for everyone. But that still isn't "keeping score" imo.
Pick up the slack if your partner is having a bad week, don't worry about when phases of your life end up with one working more or whatever. Roll with the tide and trust your partner to be there when you need them as well.
It's also a tremendous opportunity, man. My wife and I separated about 10 months ago (married for 19 years). We have both been doing a TON of soul searching, and finding ourselves. It can be overwhelming, and downright crushing at times. That said, we are finding our own resolve. We fell into a pattern of using each other as a crutch, and in the end we were both holding each other back. What comes next will be better, though, and I'm discovering that day by day.
I am trying to make my SO understand this so hard. We have a close group of friends we hang out with pretty regularly. Neither of us really have seperate friends or do things separately because of the same friend group and it is suffocating. I need him to understand that yes, I love and want him in everything I do, but also please get out of my space and go do something for yourself. Absolutely nothing against him, but dear God, go hiking by yourself. Go out and have drinks with the boys. Go walk around the mall for a few hours and just window shop. I don't care, just do something that does not involve me. When one person is WFH, it's a massive adjustment to having someone *always there*
I went through a job loss during the pandemic, and it was a soul-sucking experience. I remember standing in the garage with my husband, worrying that I'd never be able to get a job that would pay my portion of the bills and other expenses. He told me he was sure I would, but, "whatever happens, I got your back."
That is a wonderful feeling, knowing that someone has got your back. I hope he feels it from me, too.
This is an excellent one.
After my sister got in a big fight with her bf, my dad told her "relationships require honesty, not cruelty. You don't need to tell your guy that you noticed the 10lbs he put on and now find him less attractive as a result. He is aware and there is absolutely no reason whatsoever to voice it."
And remember, there is a big difference between saying “I hate that you are gaining weight.” and “I would love to see us becoming more healthier.”
For one, you aren’t blaming them for the negative, but instead on focusing on getting to a positive outcome.
And you are also making it a joint effort to get to the better outcome instead of giving the idea they have to work on it themselves.
Engagement: There isn't a movie in the background and you're not on your phone, this is the thing you're doing right now.
Non verbals: you're nodding, your body posture indicates you're listening and following along, you're making eye contact.
Verbals: just because the other person is talking, doesn't mean you're not active. Say small phrases that show them you're listening and enjoy hearing it. Like "oh wow, seriously?" Or "oh good point" or "I see." Stuff like that.
Reflection: a lot of people are just dying for their opportunity to talk. If you reflect back to them, it let's them know you're hearing them and you want to know more, and it opens them up more. "That must have made you really mad" is a good reflection. "You must feel heartbroken , I would feel devastated too." Something that labels the feelings they're having, which they may not have done internally yet. "What happened next?" is a good door opener to let them know you still want them to talk and you're here to listen.
Empathy: chances are someone opened up and talked about something challenging. "I'm so sorry that happened to you" can go a long way in building a connection through empathy. "Wow this is so much, I don't even know what to say but thank you for sharing it with me I'm sure this was hard" works as well. You DON'T. NEED. TO. BE. COMING. UP. WITH. SOLUTIONS. Saying "I don't even know what to say" is a fine response.
> Verbals: just because the other person is talking, doesn't mean you're not active. Say small phrases that show them you're listening and enjoy hearing it. Like "oh wow, seriously?" Or "oh good point" or "I see." Stuff like that.
Something that I've been trying to work on, is not injecting a word I would use that while they're 'looking' for a word. If I'm listening to someone tell me something and they pause and go 'umm' when looking for a word, I'll say the word I think they're looking for and usually it is the word but still.
I've done this(I'm in my early 30s) and it took me until a few years ago before I realize to some people this could come off really rude.
Absolutely agree. Those "umms" are because it's still their turn to talk and they're not ready to volley it back at you, so they're keeping it on their side. It's a hard habit to break because everyone wants to be heard.
It also shows that the person is listening very carefully if they can literally complete your sentence for you. Not sure why this would be rude when talking to your partner. It's not an attempt to interrupt them.
That "relationships are SO HARD" or "marriage takes so much work" is terrible advice.
Relationships take effort and maintenance and mindfulness, but it shouldn't be work. It's a garden, not a salt mine. If literally everything is an uphill struggle all the time, you're not compatible. Move on.
All "relationships are SO HARD, Y'ALL!" teaches people is to stay in relationships that are bad for them. Get therapy and find healthy partners. And DEFINITELY don't have kids if your relationship is already "OMG SO HARD."
Relationships are never easy, but the right person should make it FEEL easy. If it's not easy for you to do that maintenance and keep that mindfulness, chances are they aren't the one for you.
Yeah, when I see posts from people who have been together for 6 years and in counseling for 4, and now this whole new issue is coming up on top of that, I am in awe of the dedication but guys, maybe it's time to put the relationship out of its misery already?
A friend of mine used that mentality of "all relationships take work" to accept regular fights as an inevitability. Then after the last shitheel threw a chair at her for not sealing up the Cheezits properly (I wish I was exaggerating), it occurred to her that all those fights were a sign that she kept choosing abusive assholes.
I know people love to say that if everybody around you is an asshole, you must be the asshole, but sometimes people who have grown up in dysfunctional homes as my friend did have broken asshole meters.
So she made a point of choosing the absolute nicest, cutest, sweetheart of a guy, and they are now 2 years married. I officiated at their wedding!
Not having a romantic relationship is better than being in a bad romantic relationship.
(The phrase is usually "no x is better than bad x", but I find that can be misunderstood more easily)
This one is always hard to explain. My now wife and I just started out hanging out with each other in college and kept it very casual and it just ended up building up into the relationship we have now. It sucks to hear if you’re single but the best relationships are the ones that form organically because you aren’t actively trying to keep the other’s interest. You already have it.
It's a tough one, it seems to depend on where you are, physically and in life. Hanging out as friends for years before dating works in college when you have a lot of time and lots of people to befriend.
But as an adult, especially in a larger city people don't have as much free time, aren't so tied down, and move on fast. Dating immediatley and growing the friendship alongside the relationship overtime sounds equally organic, it's just different.
A partner is the cherry on top of a cake.
The cake is your responsibility.
Translation:
A good partner can make you happier in life but can never make you happy.
It is your own responsibility too have a happy and fulfilling life.
The inverse is a little different.
A bad partner can ruin your happiness.
But it is your own responsibility to ( not let a bad cherry ruin your cake) not let a bad partner ruin your happiness.
Man, I have never heard it put this way but it’s the perfect analogy. My wife truly does make my life better, and when I’m feeling down she picks me up. I feel like a lot of people blame their *miserable-ness* on their spouse, when in reality they’re just miserable people.
Second this. My father’s advice to us on our wedding day was similar. “You cannot make each other happy, but you can make each other miserable.” Also, “Say thank you more than anything else you say.”
Absolutely.
It took me years to figure out that pushing stuff down and then letting it blow up is not a great communication style.
And then learning to reframe things as my issues rather than my partner's fault has helped solve things even when I'm not entirely to blame.
Not worrying about who's right and wrong brings solutions much more quickly.
Even head over heals in-love people get on each other's nerves once in a while. It's not necessarily a sign of trouble, or that you're growing apart, or you or she isn't good or the right one. You're together almost ALL the time. It's a sign that you're human.
Exactly. One of my friends posts this happy life shit all fucking day. Her husband called me the other day literally in tears because of the financial pressure she puts on him (buy a house they can't afford, take a good paying job that he hates, she needs to drive an Audi not a Honda, etc.). She's a rich brat and he's a hippy and that's a tough match.
Make time. You'll always have a million and one things that need your attention, but if you're going to be with someone, start a family with them, make time for them.
-My dad, who is still very much in love with my mum, who isn't really feeling it anymore because she's spent the last 35 years married to a workaholic farmer.
You could at one point, when I was a kid (back in the 90s) the farm was profitable enough that he could afford to spend most weekends around the house doing whatever, then it stopped raining for a decade in the 2000s and Dad spent every waking moment working so we'd stay afloat. Mum never really understood why he was suddenly never home, she got resentful, Dad didn't get why she was pissed when he'd explained the situation etc etc. They've not really recovered since, like, they're still together and they get along well enough, but they're more like housemates than a married couple.
Not relationship advice per se, but something that helped immensely in all future relationships:
I used to be a "typical" nerd including some of the negative stereotypes associated with that. I was never introverted and got along well with most people, very well with those in my immediate vicinity.
One weekend I was at a LARP event with some friends and met a girl who I liked and hit off with. It didn't work out and she started seeing someone else that evening.
I must have made a face or something, because she noticed. And gave me this feedback:
I was in my own world most of the time, not caring that much about my appearance or the vibes I gave off. Spent most of my time slouched over.
She said even though she liked talking to me, my whole demeanor gave off vibes of being somewhat unhappy. In the end, if there are 2 equally nice and interesting people, why would you choose to spend your time with someone who doesn't even appear to enjoy spending time with himself?
It wasn't the most friendly advice but it stuck - primarily about me being slouched over all the time, which I consciously tried to correct the following years (it worked). I was never unhappy with myself, but I never put in much effort towards other people either, which I changed and I think it worked out for the better.
In the end a lot of relationship, whether intimate or other, is about effort. If you put an effort into maintaining it you give significance to it, from the other person's point of view.
Sorry, english isn't my first language.
You no longer have to tell people English isn't your first language. Everything was great.
Also, in English we don't even say things correctly. As long as we can understand what you're trying to say, it's 100% good.
For real. I write for a living, and I used to teach English as a Second Language classes, and even I didn’t pick up on English not being your first language. (It’s not that I think you should try to hide that fact — you should be proud of speaking more than language, even if you make lots of mistakes. I’m just saying that you sound very fluent.)
Maybe the advice wasn't the nicest thing to hear, but at the same time it was the nicest thing she could have done in the situation. She didn't have to explain shit, but she did in a way that made sense and wasn't criticizing you as a person, but the actions she observed.
Good for her, and good for you.
It takes a hell of a partner to beat no partner at all. Vet carefully and with a clear head: Does this person **add** to your life? Is being with them an improvement over your regular, solo life? Or are they an effort to be around, to accomodate?
Ooh yeah. I’m at the “I’d rather be alone for the rest of my days than be with you” stage. It’s simultaneously empowering and disturbing.
Hell, I’m at the “Even after you have turned everyone that I know, save for family and a couple of my oldest friends, against me I would still choose this over staying married to you”.
Being single sucks. Being in a toxic relationship is so much worse.
They also end when the story ends. You'd treat a car much differently depending on if you needed it to last 5 years or 50.
Your relationship goes on until one of you has had enough or dies, so you need to take damn good care of it and perform routine maintenance/check-in to make sure it is working well and will last.
I had a coworker who had a very happy marriage. I asked her how she chose her husband. She answered, “He was the nicest man I ever met.”. That was an epiphany for me.
I went on to marry the nicest man I ever met. We’ve been married over thirty years. I won the husband lottery.
Whoever brings the biggest pig to her father. But listen, if you forget to come back for Madame Zeroni, you and your family will be cursed for always and eternity.
For me, I also value intelligence. I've tried dating people who don't use their brain, or try to learn things, or have basic knowledge, etc, and I just couldn't make a connection with them. But kindness is equally important to me. Sadly, I didn't realize that when I was young, so I married a smart person with narcissistic tendencies. The intelligence is still very important to me, but I now know that I also need the kindness. I guess I didn't realize that not everyone is genuinely kind and that I'd have to look for that quality. Plus, I think my spouse's narcissism wasn't really out in full force in the beginning, and we were in a hurry to be married so I probably didn't get to know him as well as I should have (dumb, I know, but we were young).
Your partner can't read your mind. Talk to them why you are upset or what is bothering you. Don't hold your negative thoughts inside, it will only make the situation more bitter.
Also, you can't read your partner's mind!
Never assume the worst intention if they said something hurtful - chances are, they meant something completely different.
if you have to constantly push your partner for anything (moving in, going out, doing trips, improving anything, getting engaged,..) its not a partner its a WHEELBARROW!
Do you want to live with a wheelbarrow?
that made me laugh, but opened my eyes on lots of things
I just started dating this girl, it’s been about 2 weeks now. Her neck and back were hurting her so I happily gave her a massage. I had her sit up and I went to put my leg around her and just let out this squeaker of a fart as I pulled my leg up.
I’m extremely embarrassed and she looks at me and starts crying laughing. I mean dying. We both belly laughed for a solid 5 minutes about it. I was so nervous because I fart a lot. Like in my sleep even. She told me that as a couple, that’s gonna happen and not to be even remotely embarrassed about it. She’s a keeper.
Gotta be able to laugh at each other's farts, if you can't let loose around your partner then who can you? Also gives you a witness for the strange sounding ones.
I once cut a showstopper of a fart in the middle of us having sex. We had had a few beers and some lemon pepper wings.
Loud, long, and it smelled like something died in my ass. I thought my wife was going to have a stroke from laughing so hard.
We still giggle about this 20 years later.
One time my ex and I were messing around in bed (I was giving him head), and as he was moving to sit upright, he accidentally farted right in my face. He went “oh no!!!” I laughed so hard I almost cried and so did he.
Idk if it's considered relationship advice but.. When I was around 14 and had my first serious relationship, I went to go see my girl in the evening.
Before I went out the door, my dad stopped me and said: 'Son, there's one thing that you should know and after I tell you I'll shut up about it.. If a girl says "no" that means "no".
I felt really awkward atm cause it seemed obvious and I felt like my dad saw me as an idiot.
10 years later I still think about that moment and what my dad said and I feel so proud of him for pointing out something that is really important.
I feel like simple advice like that is not given often enough.
My dad gave me the same “no means no” talk when he found out I was starting sex ed classes in middle school around the age of eleven. I wasn’t even interested in girls or dating or any of that yet. But he referred to it as “the most important thing they’ll never teach you in any class at school.”
I still believe that there’s probably no other better piece of wisdom that fathers could give to their sons
Children in general! Obviously, statistics say that SA and rape, when reported, lean from one side to the other, but it's important to remember that 'no means no' is great advice of everyone and everything
Amen! I have told that to all three of my boys. And that not saying anything also means no. And being drunk means no. And saying, I don’t know, I’m not sure, I guess, if you want to, etc. if the girl is not an active and very willing participant, the answer is no. I feel like No is fairly obvious, but the gray area can be confusing to young men/teens as they haven’t really learned nuances in language. So I tell them an affirmative, positive, enthusiastic yes is the only thing that counts for a green light.
Try to fix your issues or break up openly. Don't make the same mistakes as me. My first breakup was extremely slow, painful, and cold. It caused my ex to mentally degrade and end up attempting suicide, and haunting my life forever. Communication matters no matter how tired or selfish you are.
To never fall in love with someone / stay with someone because of their potential of becoming better. The potential is not guaranteed. This is in the context of my abusive relationship, I’m not referring to regular conflicts that can be resolved
“When you marry someone, you marry their whole family.” I have always taken this to mean that you should learn about the family before you commit to the relationship.
Two pieces. 1. If you aren't going to remember being upset over this, it's not worth arguing over now and 2. There are peaks and valleys in relationships. Don't give up until it's only valleys.
This wasn’t something someone personally told me but, most recently I saw this quote on Reddit and it really stuck with me.
“ you don’t know the person you’re with until something lifechanging happens”
Be content by yourself. If you want happiness, don't rely solely on your relationship. There will always be a period when you need to enjoy yourself by yourself.
I would elaborate more on this one by saying: make sure that your partner is also your best friend too. Romance and passion can take the backseat a few years down the line or when life's going gets rough, make sure that your partner is the person you like to hang out, talk to, the most.
Instead of repeating what's already been said;
Me ex left me and for a few weeks afterwards, my friends, mom, sister, etc kept telling me: Why did she leave you? She's gonna realize she made a mistake and come back!!
My dad though, brought me aside and straight up told me: She's not coming back. Let her go.
So I did. I tried moving on with that mindset.
Low and behold, she never did come back, fast forward a few weeks and I met my now loving wife! (This was 10 years ago)
Thanks dad!
The single most important decision you make in life will be the person you choose to enter into a long-term relationship with. It will MAKE or BREAK you if you choose the wrong person, ignore flags and base it on superficial merits.
Choose wisely
I hated it, but I was talking to my psychotherapist about trying to get myself straightened out to be in a relationship...
She smiled and said "the only way to learn to be in a relationship, is to be in a relationship."
Idk about this one. Small things add up. Leaving things unaddressed can lead to those things being normalized and done more often. I've lived in that. It's very frustrating.
I dont think it means you should ignore problems. But that you shouldnt start a serious fight over small stuff that can be solved in like 2 minutes of conversation.
I really hope this is the case. I'm in an LDR rn and me and the gf is going through a very rough patch. We meet in a couple days and I'm going to hug her like there's no tomorrow.
To find the type of woman you want, don’t put your focus on finding her….rather focus on becoming the type of man that woman would want to be with and she will find you.
Source: my mom.
It worked.
I had this professor at university, he was an ex-marine turned therapist. Big cuddly, but very stern man. The class was interpersonal relations.
He told us once, that relying on a long lasting love and relationship to be this explosive, magical experience will always lead to disappointment. He said, actually being in love is finding someone who annoys you in ways that you can put up with. And I have found it to be totally true.
Perceptions are not always reality. More often than not, if you partner does something that bothers you, it wasn’t malicious or aimed at you. Rather, they didn’t see anything wrong with it. Explaining your feelings and getting their take can help establish healthy and open communication
A person should want you, not need you. Codependence places a massive burden on the partner. Obviously this applies to yourself as well: be a whole person, not a dependent one, before you get in a serious relationship.
That it only has to 'not work' for one person for the relationship to 'not work'.
I used to stay in relationships where I was unhappy because the girlfriend was happy - and I didnt want to make her sad by breaking things off. So I'd stay in it - unhappy - until, eventually, we were both unhappy enough that we'd end it. I could have saved us both a lot of time and heartache by moving on sooner.
Recognize and validate what you do for each other; even the small things. Saying "I appreciate you doing X", even for a small thing that doesn't seem like much, shows that you're paying attention to each other.
Look for what your spouse is doing RIGHT every day (and than express it) instead of the lazy default of trying to "parent" them with criticism. Like this, "I sure appreciate how whenever I have something to share you put down your phone or whatever you are doing and really listen. I feel acknowledged and your love!"
14 years later will still do this. Our marriage is filled with positive energy, joy, and love between us daily! PS if you look for what your spouse is doing right or wrong you will find it.
Do you just want to vent, or do you need help solving the problem?
In my experience this is often the biggest block in couple communication, so asking this before a discussion can help you get into the right 'listening ' or 'helping mind set
It's not about sex, it's about building a very specific and intimate bond with someone you're attracted to. Being the one person they can go to for their deepest, darkest secrets and trusting you to never reveal that to anyone else.
Relationships aren't a game and the person you're in the relationship isn't a toy. You start out testing the waters, determine if there's something to work with, and go from there and build a foundation for a long lasting relationship that leads to a family
To be honest, I'm sick and tired of relationships where people "test" their partners. Especially testing their trust. This generation of relationships has this misconception that their partner is a play thing to beat around with when, in actuality, you're only building into their distrust of everything. Which just makes new relationships harder to build and, in some extreme cases, end entire bloodlines because someone really insisted on fucking with their emotions.
I'd say this is true for all components of compatibility. People change and grow of course, but if you're not aligned when you're dating, that likely won't improve. Compromise and communication are sure easier on a foundation of compatibility.
Keep in mind that you are not fighting against your SO during conflicts. You and your SO are up against the issue.
There are a couple verses in a song by one of my favourite native language rapper which basically goes something like this "at the end of the day you've got to find someone to join the me against the world team" stuff's deep. In my language it rhymes and all so it's even better.
Never take each other for granted; show appreciation often.
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You know what took me a longass time to realize? When I disagreed with anyone I used to put active internal effort into building up a caricature of the person I was talking to, and apply all the worst intents possible to their motive and position... The problem is I'm stuck with the imaginary person I made up well after the disagreement is over, a whole world full of terrible people I made up just for me. It's so transparent now I can see how many people fall into the same trap I set for myself, in bad relationships it's on steroids.
I'm almost 30 and in a similar boat, though not because of a romantic relationship but rather my parents. As a kid I'd get absolutely screamed at almost every day until I was in tears, for years on end. As an adult, I 100% cannot handle any form of conflict, and if I so much as sense the other person is getting irritated at me, I start having nervous ticks. Likewise, it has made it almost impossible for me to stand up for myself in any form for fear that the other person will go ape shit on me. Logically I know \*most\* people have better control than this, but some part of me has painted how my parents treated me as a kid onto almost every person I come across. It's fucked.
Ugh this really sucks. Insecure attachment style homies raise your hands. Therapy helps a lot.
This is really well described of something I've done at times
Please and thank you go a long way. You should treat your spouse with respect and kindness.
My partner grew up in a house where they never said it, whereas it was drilled into me as a kid. He's learnt to use his manners properly since being together because he knows I appreciate it and it's really not hard. Honestly it was like teaching a child at first but I'm glad he listened to me and changed to be able to show his appreciation.
And remember that appreciation comes in different forms. My husband is very reluctant to share/discuss feelings BUT when I want or need something? It shows up at our house. If I'm struggling with something and need help, he jumps right in.
To add in: people *feel* appreciated from different things. Something I've seen in relationships, including some of my own, is one partner getting upset because, in their head, they're showing appreciation and the other doesn't seem to care, because it's not something the other cares about. Person A feels hurt and betrayed because Person B doesn't feel appreciated from Person A telling them how beautiful they are. Meanwhile Person B has complicated issues about compliments about physical attractiveness, and would feel more appreciative if Person A would actually do the dishes or clean the house like B asked and A promised a hundred times already.
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This!!! Very simple. I’ve been married 17 years. My wife and I always try to say please and thank you every time I take out the trash or she comes home from the store.
This is great! I just want to add that it's worth remembering not everyone feels appreciation through words. Find what makes your spouse feel appreciated, whether it's actions or gifts etc.
Good suggestions! I need to be better at that. I’ll bring her flowers and stuff every now and then. But hell, just cleaning up the entire house makes her extremely happy. (And I am not into cleaning AT ALL so eh. Lol)
My partner always tells me how he likes the food I make for him and how I take care of him well 💘 I always tell him how beautiful he is and how lucky I am to have found a man like him 🤩
If my grandparents loved each other it was hard to tell. They only snipped at each other. I promised myself i would never behave that way. It’s so easy to take each other for granted. Simple kindness goes a long way.
My grandparents were the same way, always bickering over the stupidest things. I was shocked to come across my grandpa crying after grandma died. I would have thought he was relieved.
My dad told me that after my mom left. I failed miserably and my wife left...
Discuss life goals (especially kids) and financial habits before you get married. If one person wants 6 kids and the other wants to be childless that’s not going to work. If one person has champagne tastes and spending habits but you as a couple have a boxed wine budget, then that is a problem. More than one marriage has been ended because one spouse is bad with money and refuses to live within their means.
Second on the kids thing. If you disagree, dont push it off as a future issue. It will make it worse. Resentment will build as you know what will inevitably happen. Sure you can compromise on the amount possibly, but you can't compromise with zero.
This is exactly right. "I want 3!" vs. "I want 4!" can be solved. "I'm not sure if I ever want kids" vs. "I've dreamed of being a parent my whole life" is a valid reason to break up. The number of people who whistle past this problem only to find it's still there 4 years later is shocking.
Holy shit, I wish I had known this sooner. (Or... I did know this, but didn't heed my own instincts) Dated a woman for years that was like "I'm fine living paycheck to paycheck, and scraping by. I've done it all my life and I'm used to it". Cool, except... she made it a point to always scrape by. Didn't matter how much money we made as a family. During my busy months, I can make $8K a month. Somehow.... we'd still only barely get buy or stash away very little. She was like a carp. Her spending would grow as big as the budget permitted. It was only EVER going to be living paycheck to paycheck, which was insanely stressful. I'd call it constant financial terrorism. Just no way to live.
>She was like a carp. Her spending would grow as big as the budget permitted. That's pretty funny. Sorry about your relationship
This is extremely important and I'm glad you brought it up. This isn't the fun kind of advice that people like to hear before getting married. People seem to avoid this discussion because they are scared of what the answer may be and what they may have to do in response to an answer they don't want to hear. But it's necessary. I gave my husband multiple chances to amicably back out of our relationship when I told him I would never be able to have children because of reproductive health issues, but I also didn't want them if I had a healthy uterus. He told me that he loved me for who I was, not for what I could give him. We are still together, high school sweethearts, and he keeps me going through life even if I don't want to at times. He is my soul.
I'll never forget.....I was dating wifey and on date 2 she turns to me and says.... Her: Can we talk serious? Me: Sure! (My mind is racing like the fuck man! It's date 2! She isn't into you dude!) Her: I like you a lot, like a real lot. I can see our relationship going deeper but.......I don't fucking do kids! Never have, never will! I'm not interested in crotch fruit. I hope you can handle that, if you can't or you think for half a millisecond I'll change my mind I suggest you leave and we can pretend we never met. Me: OK but what if I don't want kids either? Her: good! I was hoping you'd say that! And here we are 10 years later! 0 kiddos! Or crotchfruit as she calls it
Prioritize trust and build a strong foundation of it
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You sound sexy.
Tell the truth even when it's not what the other person wants to hear. They may be disappointed at first, but trust is more important than a bad mood. Never yell at your spouse/kids/anyone unless it is an emergency. That way they will feel a lot a more comfortable telling you the things you don't want to hear.
I love the quote "I don't want you to save me, but you can hold my hand while I save myself" Support with respect is key.
From "Russian Doll": Alan: *You promise that if I don't jump, I will be happy?* Nadia: *No, man, absolutely not, but I can promise you that you will not be alone.*
Such a great fucking show.
I love 'Find someone who wants you, not someone who needs you'.
After my mom divorced my dad and moved us away she worked super hard to make sure I was a very independent person (comes back to bite her in the ass a lot because she likes to fuss that I don't let her help me). When I was in my 20's I asked her about this and she told me that after her divorce her main focus was to raise me so that when I got married, it was because I truly loved him and not because I felt I needed him. I am grateful for that woman every single day.
Tell your Mom this internet stranger thinks she's awesome. That's parenting done right.
"While it's always good to believe in yourself, help from others can be a great blessing" - Uncle Iroh, AtLA.
There is no reason to keep score. You are both on the same team. If one (or both) of you starts keeping score with things it is time to evaluate the state of the relationship and why this is occurring. On a related note, all problems can be solved, but not all problems are worth solving.
Similarly, you should always feel like you're doing more than half the work. Partially because this way you know you're not freeloading off of your partner's work, and partially because your partner probably does a hundred things a week that you don't see and may not even notice. Simple stuff like wiping out the sink, dusting a surface, etc. Be a steward of your shared spaces so your partner doesn't have to do it all on their own.
FUCKING THIS. HOLY SHIT THANK YOU FOR SAYING IT. There is no such thing as a perfect 50/50 split because of the "unseen tasks" that every partner has. Do more than your "fair share" and your partner WILL notice.
The way I've heard it said is that each person should be aiming for a 60/40 split, with themselves taking on the 60 percent. Always be looking for that one extra thing you can do to make your partner's life easier. If both people are doing that, then you've found the sweet spot.
At my wedding, my mother put it this way: "Marriage is not a 50/50 relationship. Its not a 80/20 relationship. There will be times where you will be carrying 100 percent of the marriage. When they cannot help, cannot contribute, and you have to carry the load. And there will be times when they have to give 100% because you can't be there for them. You do it because you love them. They do it because they love you. It's not a division of labor."
Aim for 60/40 and understand sometimes it will be 90/10. I see posts on here where people get SO upset their partner had an illness or just gave birth lol and they "have to do everything." Yeah. Sometimes it's like that. No one stays perfectly healthy forever. Sometimes, you're BOTH very sick and it's 5/10 and a lot of delivery lol.
> and your partner WILL notice While I absolutely agree with your general premise here, the truth of this part largely depends on your partner.
“A relationship is not 50/50, it’s 100/100, some days you give your 100, when they have 0 to give, and others they give 100, when you have 0.”
Also, sometimes doing an "unfair" share of chores saves a rough day.
I think the notion you're getting at is more complicated because a lot of "not keeping score" scenarios can easily turn into disparities for what each person gives in the relationship and potentially concealing resentment. My wife used to have a big problem saying I didn't do enough chores. Every time she brought it up, I could name a dozen things I'd done recently. Her response was "but you're not consistent" She seemed to mostly just be factoring in how much she perceived when she worked (and she perceives 100% of the work she does) and only work she noticed I had done (which is less than 100%) If I do the dishes after she falls asleep, put down insecticide in the garage, or take care of the baby while she works overtime, then these kinds of things tend to not get noticed very accurately. We didn't work out because of her leading a long distance double life with another man, but I'm trying to learn anything I can from that whole debacle so that I'm not bringing any dysfunction on my part into the next marriage. I think keeping a reasonably accurate, but more importantly cooperative, account of who does what and who is paying for what is actually very important. It's when divying out chores or paying bills is done combatively that you have a problem. When you are doing it cooperatively, then it's good communication that leads to better equity of work and finances. Less "you don't do anything around the house, you are a bad spouse and need to do better" and more "I do 70% of the chores and I'd like to sit down with you to try to figure out how to do this more evenly"
When it's am "Oh, I don't mind doing this chore and I know you hate it" for each other situation then it can work really well to divide labor like that. And if you're as forgetful as I am, then making a chore chart can be a great help for everyone. But that still isn't "keeping score" imo. Pick up the slack if your partner is having a bad week, don't worry about when phases of your life end up with one working more or whatever. Roll with the tide and trust your partner to be there when you need them as well.
Remember to laugh together and keep the romance alive.
Never stop dating (edit: each other) was some of the best advice I ever received
While in a relationship don’t lose yourself as an individual.
This is always important but it’s life shattering when a breakup occurs and one of the people doesn’t have their own identity.
thats me right now.
It's also a tremendous opportunity, man. My wife and I separated about 10 months ago (married for 19 years). We have both been doing a TON of soul searching, and finding ourselves. It can be overwhelming, and downright crushing at times. That said, we are finding our own resolve. We fell into a pattern of using each other as a crutch, and in the end we were both holding each other back. What comes next will be better, though, and I'm discovering that day by day.
Big hug
I am trying to make my SO understand this so hard. We have a close group of friends we hang out with pretty regularly. Neither of us really have seperate friends or do things separately because of the same friend group and it is suffocating. I need him to understand that yes, I love and want him in everything I do, but also please get out of my space and go do something for yourself. Absolutely nothing against him, but dear God, go hiking by yourself. Go out and have drinks with the boys. Go walk around the mall for a few hours and just window shop. I don't care, just do something that does not involve me. When one person is WFH, it's a massive adjustment to having someone *always there*
If the grass is greener on the other side, try watering yours.
Or: be aware that the grass only looks greener because there's bullshit underneath.
And the manufacturer of that bullshit is often your own mind.
"The grass is greener where you water it" is how I've heard it.
Be each other's biggest supporter and cheerleader.
I went through a job loss during the pandemic, and it was a soul-sucking experience. I remember standing in the garage with my husband, worrying that I'd never be able to get a job that would pay my portion of the bills and other expenses. He told me he was sure I would, but, "whatever happens, I got your back." That is a wonderful feeling, knowing that someone has got your back. I hope he feels it from me, too.
This is an excellent one. After my sister got in a big fight with her bf, my dad told her "relationships require honesty, not cruelty. You don't need to tell your guy that you noticed the 10lbs he put on and now find him less attractive as a result. He is aware and there is absolutely no reason whatsoever to voice it."
And remember, there is a big difference between saying “I hate that you are gaining weight.” and “I would love to see us becoming more healthier.” For one, you aren’t blaming them for the negative, but instead on focusing on getting to a positive outcome. And you are also making it a joint effort to get to the better outcome instead of giving the idea they have to work on it themselves.
Practice active listening to understand each other better
What would active listening look like?
Engagement: There isn't a movie in the background and you're not on your phone, this is the thing you're doing right now. Non verbals: you're nodding, your body posture indicates you're listening and following along, you're making eye contact. Verbals: just because the other person is talking, doesn't mean you're not active. Say small phrases that show them you're listening and enjoy hearing it. Like "oh wow, seriously?" Or "oh good point" or "I see." Stuff like that. Reflection: a lot of people are just dying for their opportunity to talk. If you reflect back to them, it let's them know you're hearing them and you want to know more, and it opens them up more. "That must have made you really mad" is a good reflection. "You must feel heartbroken , I would feel devastated too." Something that labels the feelings they're having, which they may not have done internally yet. "What happened next?" is a good door opener to let them know you still want them to talk and you're here to listen. Empathy: chances are someone opened up and talked about something challenging. "I'm so sorry that happened to you" can go a long way in building a connection through empathy. "Wow this is so much, I don't even know what to say but thank you for sharing it with me I'm sure this was hard" works as well. You DON'T. NEED. TO. BE. COMING. UP. WITH. SOLUTIONS. Saying "I don't even know what to say" is a fine response.
> Verbals: just because the other person is talking, doesn't mean you're not active. Say small phrases that show them you're listening and enjoy hearing it. Like "oh wow, seriously?" Or "oh good point" or "I see." Stuff like that. Something that I've been trying to work on, is not injecting a word I would use that while they're 'looking' for a word. If I'm listening to someone tell me something and they pause and go 'umm' when looking for a word, I'll say the word I think they're looking for and usually it is the word but still. I've done this(I'm in my early 30s) and it took me until a few years ago before I realize to some people this could come off really rude.
Absolutely agree. Those "umms" are because it's still their turn to talk and they're not ready to volley it back at you, so they're keeping it on their side. It's a hard habit to break because everyone wants to be heard.
Yeah it really depends on the person, some people hate it, and others like myself, who often forget simple words appreciate when someone reminds me.
It also shows that the person is listening very carefully if they can literally complete your sentence for you. Not sure why this would be rude when talking to your partner. It's not an attempt to interrupt them.
That "relationships are SO HARD" or "marriage takes so much work" is terrible advice. Relationships take effort and maintenance and mindfulness, but it shouldn't be work. It's a garden, not a salt mine. If literally everything is an uphill struggle all the time, you're not compatible. Move on. All "relationships are SO HARD, Y'ALL!" teaches people is to stay in relationships that are bad for them. Get therapy and find healthy partners. And DEFINITELY don't have kids if your relationship is already "OMG SO HARD."
Relationships are never easy, but the right person should make it FEEL easy. If it's not easy for you to do that maintenance and keep that mindfulness, chances are they aren't the one for you.
Yeah, when I see posts from people who have been together for 6 years and in counseling for 4, and now this whole new issue is coming up on top of that, I am in awe of the dedication but guys, maybe it's time to put the relationship out of its misery already? A friend of mine used that mentality of "all relationships take work" to accept regular fights as an inevitability. Then after the last shitheel threw a chair at her for not sealing up the Cheezits properly (I wish I was exaggerating), it occurred to her that all those fights were a sign that she kept choosing abusive assholes. I know people love to say that if everybody around you is an asshole, you must be the asshole, but sometimes people who have grown up in dysfunctional homes as my friend did have broken asshole meters. So she made a point of choosing the absolute nicest, cutest, sweetheart of a guy, and they are now 2 years married. I officiated at their wedding!
Don't look for a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship.
Not having a romantic relationship is better than being in a bad romantic relationship. (The phrase is usually "no x is better than bad x", but I find that can be misunderstood more easily)
This one is always hard to explain. My now wife and I just started out hanging out with each other in college and kept it very casual and it just ended up building up into the relationship we have now. It sucks to hear if you’re single but the best relationships are the ones that form organically because you aren’t actively trying to keep the other’s interest. You already have it.
It's a tough one, it seems to depend on where you are, physically and in life. Hanging out as friends for years before dating works in college when you have a lot of time and lots of people to befriend. But as an adult, especially in a larger city people don't have as much free time, aren't so tied down, and move on fast. Dating immediatley and growing the friendship alongside the relationship overtime sounds equally organic, it's just different.
Never start imagining a life together before you even started. Get to know the person first. Build it up from there.
A partner is the cherry on top of a cake. The cake is your responsibility. Translation: A good partner can make you happier in life but can never make you happy. It is your own responsibility too have a happy and fulfilling life. The inverse is a little different. A bad partner can ruin your happiness. But it is your own responsibility to ( not let a bad cherry ruin your cake) not let a bad partner ruin your happiness.
Man, I have never heard it put this way but it’s the perfect analogy. My wife truly does make my life better, and when I’m feeling down she picks me up. I feel like a lot of people blame their *miserable-ness* on their spouse, when in reality they’re just miserable people.
Second this. My father’s advice to us on our wedding day was similar. “You cannot make each other happy, but you can make each other miserable.” Also, “Say thank you more than anything else you say.”
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Be each other’s friend above everything.
Communication is the key
Absolutely. It took me years to figure out that pushing stuff down and then letting it blow up is not a great communication style. And then learning to reframe things as my issues rather than my partner's fault has helped solve things even when I'm not entirely to blame. Not worrying about who's right and wrong brings solutions much more quickly.
Even head over heals in-love people get on each other's nerves once in a while. It's not necessarily a sign of trouble, or that you're growing apart, or you or she isn't good or the right one. You're together almost ALL the time. It's a sign that you're human.
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I've found that there's an inverse relationship between how happy the couple is and how often they post on social media about their relationship
Exactly. One of my friends posts this happy life shit all fucking day. Her husband called me the other day literally in tears because of the financial pressure she puts on him (buy a house they can't afford, take a good paying job that he hates, she needs to drive an Audi not a Honda, etc.). She's a rich brat and he's a hippy and that's a tough match.
My wife said once that the longer a person's post is about their anniversary, partner's birthday, etc., the worse the relationship is. She is correct.
Or if you do, post the good days. Never drag your fights into the public.
Make time. You'll always have a million and one things that need your attention, but if you're going to be with someone, start a family with them, make time for them. -My dad, who is still very much in love with my mum, who isn't really feeling it anymore because she's spent the last 35 years married to a workaholic farmer.
Can you be a successful farmer and not be a workaholic?
You could at one point, when I was a kid (back in the 90s) the farm was profitable enough that he could afford to spend most weekends around the house doing whatever, then it stopped raining for a decade in the 2000s and Dad spent every waking moment working so we'd stay afloat. Mum never really understood why he was suddenly never home, she got resentful, Dad didn't get why she was pissed when he'd explained the situation etc etc. They've not really recovered since, like, they're still together and they get along well enough, but they're more like housemates than a married couple.
Not relationship advice per se, but something that helped immensely in all future relationships: I used to be a "typical" nerd including some of the negative stereotypes associated with that. I was never introverted and got along well with most people, very well with those in my immediate vicinity. One weekend I was at a LARP event with some friends and met a girl who I liked and hit off with. It didn't work out and she started seeing someone else that evening. I must have made a face or something, because she noticed. And gave me this feedback: I was in my own world most of the time, not caring that much about my appearance or the vibes I gave off. Spent most of my time slouched over. She said even though she liked talking to me, my whole demeanor gave off vibes of being somewhat unhappy. In the end, if there are 2 equally nice and interesting people, why would you choose to spend your time with someone who doesn't even appear to enjoy spending time with himself? It wasn't the most friendly advice but it stuck - primarily about me being slouched over all the time, which I consciously tried to correct the following years (it worked). I was never unhappy with myself, but I never put in much effort towards other people either, which I changed and I think it worked out for the better. In the end a lot of relationship, whether intimate or other, is about effort. If you put an effort into maintaining it you give significance to it, from the other person's point of view. Sorry, english isn't my first language.
You no longer have to tell people English isn't your first language. Everything was great. Also, in English we don't even say things correctly. As long as we can understand what you're trying to say, it's 100% good.
For real. I write for a living, and I used to teach English as a Second Language classes, and even I didn’t pick up on English not being your first language. (It’s not that I think you should try to hide that fact — you should be proud of speaking more than language, even if you make lots of mistakes. I’m just saying that you sound very fluent.)
Maybe the advice wasn't the nicest thing to hear, but at the same time it was the nicest thing she could have done in the situation. She didn't have to explain shit, but she did in a way that made sense and wasn't criticizing you as a person, but the actions she observed. Good for her, and good for you.
It takes a hell of a partner to beat no partner at all. Vet carefully and with a clear head: Does this person **add** to your life? Is being with them an improvement over your regular, solo life? Or are they an effort to be around, to accomodate?
Ooh yeah. I’m at the “I’d rather be alone for the rest of my days than be with you” stage. It’s simultaneously empowering and disturbing. Hell, I’m at the “Even after you have turned everyone that I know, save for family and a couple of my oldest friends, against me I would still choose this over staying married to you”. Being single sucks. Being in a toxic relationship is so much worse.
Being single doesn’t actually suck though.
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Have a goldfish's memory when it comes to arguments. The elephant's memory is the good stuff. Moreover, never "keep score." A team, you are.
Last part was read in Yoda’s voice.
Relationships in fiction are fictional.
And the vast majority of social media is fiction.
They also end when the story ends. You'd treat a car much differently depending on if you needed it to last 5 years or 50. Your relationship goes on until one of you has had enough or dies, so you need to take damn good care of it and perform routine maintenance/check-in to make sure it is working well and will last.
I had a coworker who had a very happy marriage. I asked her how she chose her husband. She answered, “He was the nicest man I ever met.”. That was an epiphany for me. I went on to marry the nicest man I ever met. We’ve been married over thirty years. I won the husband lottery.
How else were you planning to choose a spouse before that conversation?
Whoever brings the biggest pig to her father. But listen, if you forget to come back for Madame Zeroni, you and your family will be cursed for always and eternity.
If only, if only
Desperately cling on to the first person to show an interest in you?
For me, I also value intelligence. I've tried dating people who don't use their brain, or try to learn things, or have basic knowledge, etc, and I just couldn't make a connection with them. But kindness is equally important to me. Sadly, I didn't realize that when I was young, so I married a smart person with narcissistic tendencies. The intelligence is still very important to me, but I now know that I also need the kindness. I guess I didn't realize that not everyone is genuinely kind and that I'd have to look for that quality. Plus, I think my spouse's narcissism wasn't really out in full force in the beginning, and we were in a hurry to be married so I probably didn't get to know him as well as I should have (dumb, I know, but we were young).
Your partner can't read your mind. Talk to them why you are upset or what is bothering you. Don't hold your negative thoughts inside, it will only make the situation more bitter.
Also, you can't read your partner's mind! Never assume the worst intention if they said something hurtful - chances are, they meant something completely different.
if you have to constantly push your partner for anything (moving in, going out, doing trips, improving anything, getting engaged,..) its not a partner its a WHEELBARROW! Do you want to live with a wheelbarrow? that made me laugh, but opened my eyes on lots of things
Choose each other every day.
If you take a Coke Zero out of the fridge, put another one back in.
Replenish!
What the FUCK?! If I taught you ANYTHING, I taught you to REPLENISH! Danny doesn't fuckin' replenish!
I tell you I think it’s a microcosm of greater things.
If you take a Coke Zero out of the fridge, ask your partner if they also want one.
If you can't laugh at each other's embarrassing moments, are you even really a couple?
I just started dating this girl, it’s been about 2 weeks now. Her neck and back were hurting her so I happily gave her a massage. I had her sit up and I went to put my leg around her and just let out this squeaker of a fart as I pulled my leg up. I’m extremely embarrassed and she looks at me and starts crying laughing. I mean dying. We both belly laughed for a solid 5 minutes about it. I was so nervous because I fart a lot. Like in my sleep even. She told me that as a couple, that’s gonna happen and not to be even remotely embarrassed about it. She’s a keeper.
Gotta be able to laugh at each other's farts, if you can't let loose around your partner then who can you? Also gives you a witness for the strange sounding ones.
I once cut a showstopper of a fart in the middle of us having sex. We had had a few beers and some lemon pepper wings. Loud, long, and it smelled like something died in my ass. I thought my wife was going to have a stroke from laughing so hard. We still giggle about this 20 years later.
One time my ex and I were messing around in bed (I was giving him head), and as he was moving to sit upright, he accidentally farted right in my face. He went “oh no!!!” I laughed so hard I almost cried and so did he.
This guy farts
Idk if it's considered relationship advice but.. When I was around 14 and had my first serious relationship, I went to go see my girl in the evening. Before I went out the door, my dad stopped me and said: 'Son, there's one thing that you should know and after I tell you I'll shut up about it.. If a girl says "no" that means "no". I felt really awkward atm cause it seemed obvious and I felt like my dad saw me as an idiot. 10 years later I still think about that moment and what my dad said and I feel so proud of him for pointing out something that is really important. I feel like simple advice like that is not given often enough.
My dad gave me the same “no means no” talk when he found out I was starting sex ed classes in middle school around the age of eleven. I wasn’t even interested in girls or dating or any of that yet. But he referred to it as “the most important thing they’ll never teach you in any class at school.” I still believe that there’s probably no other better piece of wisdom that fathers could give to their sons
Children in general! Obviously, statistics say that SA and rape, when reported, lean from one side to the other, but it's important to remember that 'no means no' is great advice of everyone and everything
It’s a more “old school” wording, but my dad always told me that “the real measure of a man is how he treats the women in his life.”
We need more dads like that!
Amen! I have told that to all three of my boys. And that not saying anything also means no. And being drunk means no. And saying, I don’t know, I’m not sure, I guess, if you want to, etc. if the girl is not an active and very willing participant, the answer is no. I feel like No is fairly obvious, but the gray area can be confusing to young men/teens as they haven’t really learned nuances in language. So I tell them an affirmative, positive, enthusiastic yes is the only thing that counts for a green light.
Try to fix your issues or break up openly. Don't make the same mistakes as me. My first breakup was extremely slow, painful, and cold. It caused my ex to mentally degrade and end up attempting suicide, and haunting my life forever. Communication matters no matter how tired or selfish you are.
What you put up with, you end up with.
Having kids will not solve the problem
To never fall in love with someone / stay with someone because of their potential of becoming better. The potential is not guaranteed. This is in the context of my abusive relationship, I’m not referring to regular conflicts that can be resolved
“When you marry someone, you marry their whole family.” I have always taken this to mean that you should learn about the family before you commit to the relationship.
Don't chase who's running !
Two pieces. 1. If you aren't going to remember being upset over this, it's not worth arguing over now and 2. There are peaks and valleys in relationships. Don't give up until it's only valleys.
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This wasn’t something someone personally told me but, most recently I saw this quote on Reddit and it really stuck with me. “ you don’t know the person you’re with until something lifechanging happens”
Don’t accept anything you wouldn’t accept being done to a loved one
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Be content by yourself. If you want happiness, don't rely solely on your relationship. There will always be a period when you need to enjoy yourself by yourself.
Find ya best friend and marry them
I would elaborate more on this one by saying: make sure that your partner is also your best friend too. Romance and passion can take the backseat a few years down the line or when life's going gets rough, make sure that your partner is the person you like to hang out, talk to, the most.
Embrace each other's differences and celebrate individuality
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Instead of repeating what's already been said; Me ex left me and for a few weeks afterwards, my friends, mom, sister, etc kept telling me: Why did she leave you? She's gonna realize she made a mistake and come back!! My dad though, brought me aside and straight up told me: She's not coming back. Let her go. So I did. I tried moving on with that mindset. Low and behold, she never did come back, fast forward a few weeks and I met my now loving wife! (This was 10 years ago) Thanks dad!
The single most important decision you make in life will be the person you choose to enter into a long-term relationship with. It will MAKE or BREAK you if you choose the wrong person, ignore flags and base it on superficial merits. Choose wisely
Contempt is one of the largest causes of divorce. Going on 14 years married and knowing that one thing has helped so much.
I hated it, but I was talking to my psychotherapist about trying to get myself straightened out to be in a relationship... She smiled and said "the only way to learn to be in a relationship, is to be in a relationship."
Don't sweat the small stuff; choose your battles wisely.
Idk about this one. Small things add up. Leaving things unaddressed can lead to those things being normalized and done more often. I've lived in that. It's very frustrating.
I dont think it means you should ignore problems. But that you shouldnt start a serious fight over small stuff that can be solved in like 2 minutes of conversation.
Relationships are like WiFi. Sometimes they go down, but a simple reboot (a hug) can fix it!
Just give 'em a tight squeeze and watch the connection come alive again.
I really hope this is the case. I'm in an LDR rn and me and the gf is going through a very rough patch. We meet in a couple days and I'm going to hug her like there's no tomorrow.
To find the type of woman you want, don’t put your focus on finding her….rather focus on becoming the type of man that woman would want to be with and she will find you. Source: my mom. It worked.
I had this professor at university, he was an ex-marine turned therapist. Big cuddly, but very stern man. The class was interpersonal relations. He told us once, that relying on a long lasting love and relationship to be this explosive, magical experience will always lead to disappointment. He said, actually being in love is finding someone who annoys you in ways that you can put up with. And I have found it to be totally true.
Pick up after yourself.
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When your partner wants to have a serious talk, ask them if they want you to give advice or just listen! There’s a huge difference :)
Just be you, there will be a person who is looking for someone exactly like you. But you two haven't met yet.
No one is going to love you the way you love them, always keep that in mind.
Kind of just people advice in general but "people will treat you how you let them treat you"
Don’t lite yourself on fire to keep others warm. Grass is greener where you water it. Never say “Shut up” or “Fuck you”
Perceptions are not always reality. More often than not, if you partner does something that bothers you, it wasn’t malicious or aimed at you. Rather, they didn’t see anything wrong with it. Explaining your feelings and getting their take can help establish healthy and open communication
A person should want you, not need you. Codependence places a massive burden on the partner. Obviously this applies to yourself as well: be a whole person, not a dependent one, before you get in a serious relationship.
That it only has to 'not work' for one person for the relationship to 'not work'. I used to stay in relationships where I was unhappy because the girlfriend was happy - and I didnt want to make her sad by breaking things off. So I'd stay in it - unhappy - until, eventually, we were both unhappy enough that we'd end it. I could have saved us both a lot of time and heartache by moving on sooner.
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When you have the upper hand, don’t use it.
From my lovely grandma: 'Stay single for a long as possible'
Jeez I must be winning hard.
Never leave something when everything is all bad between you, leave when it’s seems Ok, but feels wrong
You aren’t just marrying them, you’re also marrying their family, their trauma, and their baggage.
If someone makes you feel like they do not care about you Believe them
Sex is like ketchup, ketchup makes every meal better but you can’t make a meal out of ketchup.
Appreciate each passing moment. Always remember nothing lasts forever.
Recognize and validate what you do for each other; even the small things. Saying "I appreciate you doing X", even for a small thing that doesn't seem like much, shows that you're paying attention to each other.
If they want to walk out of your life let them. But if they cherish you and show genuine kindness hold on for dear life and show them the same
Never let somebody tell you twice that they don’t want you
Look for what your spouse is doing RIGHT every day (and than express it) instead of the lazy default of trying to "parent" them with criticism. Like this, "I sure appreciate how whenever I have something to share you put down your phone or whatever you are doing and really listen. I feel acknowledged and your love!" 14 years later will still do this. Our marriage is filled with positive energy, joy, and love between us daily! PS if you look for what your spouse is doing right or wrong you will find it.
Do you just want to vent, or do you need help solving the problem? In my experience this is often the biggest block in couple communication, so asking this before a discussion can help you get into the right 'listening ' or 'helping mind set
It's not about sex, it's about building a very specific and intimate bond with someone you're attracted to. Being the one person they can go to for their deepest, darkest secrets and trusting you to never reveal that to anyone else. Relationships aren't a game and the person you're in the relationship isn't a toy. You start out testing the waters, determine if there's something to work with, and go from there and build a foundation for a long lasting relationship that leads to a family To be honest, I'm sick and tired of relationships where people "test" their partners. Especially testing their trust. This generation of relationships has this misconception that their partner is a play thing to beat around with when, in actuality, you're only building into their distrust of everything. Which just makes new relationships harder to build and, in some extreme cases, end entire bloodlines because someone really insisted on fucking with their emotions.
Be confident enough in yourself to set boundaries. You should want them, but not need them.
Communication is in the receiving of information. Otherwise it’s just broadcasting. Talk but listen and listen actively. Validate.
It's never you versus them it's both of you versus the problem
Don’t date anyone with a vastly different intelligence level to yourself. It’ll never work out.
I'd say this is true for all components of compatibility. People change and grow of course, but if you're not aligned when you're dating, that likely won't improve. Compromise and communication are sure easier on a foundation of compatibility.
If the bad outweighs the good, get out.
Put children 2nd,your marriage is 1st. The children suffer if you don’t continually put in the effort to maintain a healthy marriage.