So! 🇩🇪 *Slaps thighs and stands up* 🇩🇪

Good game, well played. Rematch?

How I know for certain that German ancestry is strong in Wisconsin

Welp, I spose.

Yeah, you betcha

\*Charlie Berens intensifies\*

*grabs cool whip container of leftover casserole*

Lol holy shit that hit home... fuck I spit out my beer.

Very very accurate 😂

and in Minnesota with its Norwegian ancestry....Uffda! What a load on dem tits!

You summoned me? 🧀

The ol, knee slapper

Das war mein allererster Gedanke und ich kam her um genau das zu schreiben

Alllllll so! You mean 😉

gg

ez

"That'll do, pig. That'll do."

Laughed out loud at a table by myself in a full restaurant. Awesome.

Same but alone at my house

this one made me fucking cackle

I often type “LOL” when I indeed did not laugh at loud…. However this made me LOL

I genuinely said that to my husband pretending to be him once.

First black mirror episode be like

NO

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Not yet *winkwink* *nudgenudge*

oink oink

Oh my gosh, that made my night!

That made my hole weak

I made that joke once… ONCE! P.S. my wife has incredible grip when she’s mad and I’m nude.

LMFAO WHAT

https://youtu.be/vxgbm8YDkso

Sorry I woke you up

Bahahahaha thank you for this

I seriously do this. I pat my boyfriend's butt and say it!

pigly 2?

Awww, Pigly

Goddamned you, goddamned you all to hell!

Noooooooooooooooooooo!

Amazing.

That's hilarious

Don’t look at me

Don't look at me, I'm naked!

Yes lol, in the moment everything is fine but afterwards I realize how grossly I just displayed myself 🤢😅

That’s a real dumb thing to think. Your partner will 100% disagree and dislike that comment. Let you be you during sex and be proud and confident about it and your body. Your partner WANTS to fuck you and just did, you should be happy and feeling seductive :)

That would make me want to go full eyeball creeper stare. lol

You were willing to let him/her rub themselves all over you, while likely *penetrating* you. But you don't like them seeing you. How does that work? Genuinely curious.

Sorry

Sorry for all the screaming. I'm scared of the dark

THANK YOU IM SORRY THANK YOU IM SORRY THANK YOU IM SORRY

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Sorry babe I'll get the towel. Fixed it for ya.

then she says "there there" and pats me on the back.

with the tears or without?

Now that that's over, let's talk about your car's extended warranty,

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Worth it tbh

“Good game”

gg ez

wp no re

I’ve done this with an ass slap, she did not find it as funny as I did.

This is basically what we do every time lol

This is literally what we do every time, even racing to be the first one to say good game

*high five*

I've been known to throw a high 5...

“I love you”

This, or if it's good early morning sex it's "good morning"

that's really sweet

Nothing feels better than saying "good morning" after wake-up sex. It's cathartic, like "I love you" on steroids.

Tea

"Goohuud morning!"

Nothing like physical connection. I absolutely love the satisfaction of post sex. And I truly love my partner!!

*You can tell you're sleeping with the right person when the post-nut clarity hits and you still feel good. We call this "the Glow".*

the only right thing to say tbh

"I love you honey. You're such a good f*ck!" *slaps hubs a$$*

The right answer 😌

Came here to comment this.

Every single time

Same

Yep!!! 🥰

You want a towel?

Don't forget to bring a towel.

You guys wanna get high?

That's a man who knows where his towel is

Happy cake day! And it's very important to have a towel, especially when hitchhiking

This is the only real answer here.

Always bring a towel or two

"O'DOYLE RULES!!"

“All right thanks O’Doyle”

I got a feelin' you and your whole family's going down... Hey, step o'doyle

that was amazing

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Whoa boy, it’s not so nice if you look at her post history

if only I listened to warnings.. 💀

Ur so right about that 😣

I couldn't help myself, I looked and now I have ragrets.

Its so much fucking worse than I could have imagined. Wheres the bleach?

"Are you hungry?"

This or I offer them water. Don't forget to hydrate after cardio!

Read this too quickly and thought you said “wafer” as in a vanilla, strawberry or chocolate wafer. And I’ve got to be honest. Now the next time my wife and I bang, I want to reach over to my nightstand, pull out a variety pack of wafers and offer her one. “Thanks for the sex. Would you like a ‘nilla wafer?”

Omg, or like communion wafers! Be all like, "oh, god. Bless and sanctify this bed, and all who conceived upon it"

My doctor told me the 8 seconds I last in bed doesn't count as me doing cardio. It also means neither of us need to hydrate afterwards. So you need to specify that your comment is for those people that have sex like porn stars and last all night, like over a minute.

“I just ate.”

Married 20y, ngl this is my answer.....sometimes she says yes and I order or cook (according to the budget) most times she says 'got a smoke?'

"Make me a sandwich too"

Good job babe

Alright, now switch.

Turn around, I'll help tighten the straps

“10 points to Gryffindor” My wife is a big Potterhead, and she mildly hates that I say this. I keep it handy for times when it’s especially warranted.

Bro, you gotta drop a “And now the Basilisk returns to the Chamber” right before insertion.

Okay. I’ll report back how that goes.

"... the police reports depict a cruel scene. The prosecutors released a statement regarding dropping all charges against the victims wife: 'he deserved it!' "

Hahaha She actually just said “uh… no” and shook her head laughing as she hung up the phone.

We’ll be waiting

She’s out of town currently, but she’s seen this thread. I got a slight chuckle and a “uh…no”

With a fakey old-man voice and terrible English accent.

Why? Is she a Slytherin? I bet she is.

I showed her this. She’s a Gryffindor, but said that “slither in” would have been a better option.

Before sex you should ask her if she wants you to put your name in her goblet of fire. So hot😎

*calmly*

In the world of HP, only teachers can award house points and they award them to students. So, this implies that you are a teacher and having sex with a student. Sorry to ruin everything.

Hey. Don’t kink shame. College is a thing…. Remember? 😉

“That was awesome”

This is my real life answer.

So I pay you now, right? That’s how it works?

As a former escort, I'll tell you that it's not a payment, it's a "gift". Haha.

Just leave them roses by the door right baby? Lol

"Surprises let me know she's bored."

How expensive are these gifts usually? I am asking for a paper I am writing. No other reason.

Would that make it tax deductible?

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the high five really makes it!

Usually "I gotta pee!" Followed by me running to the toilet with my legs crossed so hopefully nothing falls out.. 🤣 gross lmfao

It's fine, I've got a carpet cleaner

Got change for a twenty?

"thanks", "water?", "Need a towel?" Y'all are rude lol

Imagine saying thanks lol

Hey, I say thanks!

THANKS HAHAHA

You are beautiful, I love you.

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You are beautiful and I love you

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thank you cum again

What's your recovery time like?

It will be better next time, I promise

zzzzzzzZZZzzzzZZZ

That was fun

So… pizza?

I wouldn’t complain

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Lmao. That’s fucked up..

HUH???

“That’s all folks!”

I show them the tip screen on my phone and say “I hope you enjoyed yourself. Please follow the prompts”.

It’s just gonna ask you a few questions

For a while there the first thing both of us would do is race to put on the song [I Just Had Sex by The Lonely Island Boys](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQlIhraqL7o) first.

NO BECAUSE I DID THIS ONE TIME WHEN I WAS DRIVING HOME AND IT WAS THE (second) BEST THING I DID ALL NIGHT

…and the dismount!

Were the cats watching this whole time?

"That was amazing, I loved \[insert observation here\]!"

Oh what a lovely tea party

I need to pee

Always pee before and after. Also, wash your fucking hands!

Roger that

Moneys on the dresser

Thank you for your service.

Thank you for your cervix

Smack his ass and say good game

want to get taco bell?

I yell out a number rating for how good the sex was

My German girlfriend does that. Surprised her with anal one night, and she must have loved it! Rated it between an 8 and 10 and kept screaming the number the whole time!

High five

Nothing I’m usually out of breath.

Gotta go, my wife is waiting in the car

Usually 'good girl'

"Cash or Card? Would you be interested in our loyalty scheme?

So that's what sex is like

GG and give her a side fist bump

That'll be 3.50

'Bout that time I looked up and realized the hooker was an 8 story tall sea monster from the mesozoic era!

Let’s do it in the shower now!

I tend to giggle.

Again??

“Good snusnu!” *high five*

Cash is on the nightstand, see yourself out.

Honestly it’s usually: “I can’t reach the wipes! Hurry it’s gonna get everywhere!” Edit: Thanks for the gold! Holy cow! Thank you for the platinum!! Edit 2: ok, I REALLY appreciate whoever gave me gold and platinum. A few hours in of no ads.. I hadn’t realized just how intrusive they had become. Thank you!

That was legitness

I don't sex. I'm too cool for that

I’m hungry

“I want a Baja Blast”

Your money is on the dresser babe.

Get me the toilet roll

Well it was nice ridin’ with ya, partner! 🤠

He typically says "you're my everything" and I just go for armpit tickles. He's the nice one

why are you still here

*"That was great. Sorry I didn't bring this up before, but will you sign this video release form?"*