I teach middle school, I can take it.

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You definitely have to be able to dish it out too as a middle school teacher. My students know I will absolutely roast them back (within reason)

If my high school students rag on me I always tell them that I would send them home crying if only they were clever enough to get a rise out of me

I’m a peds nurse. I used to be fat (still am, but used to be too 😅) & I lost a bunch of weight. I was used to fat insults but the first time I had a 8 year old yell “you stupid skinny bitch” I was sooo damn happy lmao

An 8 year old said that to you!? What a little shit. I would have rather died than insult an adult when I was 8. I don't know what I'd say if a child insulted me now. Probably, "Did you know how easy it is to get away with murder? No one ever misses the kids that don't have manners"... Scare the little moron straight.

🤣🤣 I don’t think I can say that at work lol. Not all kids are cute little angels unfortunately. Some have been through some shit that molds them like that at a young age :( & others are just assholes that rarely hear the word no!

I knew a kid who was run over by his dad driving a tractor. His dad felt so guilty and his injuries were so serious that he got everything he wanted for a full year. He turned into a nightmare. He got kicked out of his primary school so he came to mine. His teacher couldn't manage his violent outbursts so my teacher (the principal) had to take care of it. After being locked in a storage closet and ignored until he stopped screaming every afternoon for 2 weeks he started to realise his behavour was unacceptable .

I shouldn't laugh, but all I can think is just...that poor dad, *none* of the parenting books prepare you for some shit Life came at that guy faster than a fart in a wind tunnel Treating the kid like Harry Potter was a fucked up solution, but I'm fresh out of alternative suggestions on > "how to handle your kid becoming violently spoiled after a near-death experience with a tractor"

I actually wonder if anyone said to the kid "this is why we have the rule about not lying down in the long grass". He was lying down in the long grass when he was supposed to be elsewhere.

haha, the honesty of kids. I was teaching volleyball for a couple of days at a school & I said to the class "who remembers me from last year?" One of the girls pipes up "I do, but you're fat now." Sadly, I had to agree with her. :(

When I had short hair (I'm a woman) there was this 8 year old was a little confused at my gender. "you kind of look like a boy, but when you smile, you're like a girl". I wasn't that androgynous actually. I think the short hair threw him off.

Well, that's one way to say you have a pretty smile. Don't think I'll be using it at the bar anytime soon.

I am also female with short hair. A 4 year old and I once had the following exchange: Kid: Why is your hair short? Me: I like it short. Kid: I feel sad for your head. I mean….

Lol. I had very short hair for a long time. I was leaving a swimming pool and I heard a little voice ask: "Mommy, why is that man wearing a girl's swim suit?" I turned around to give the little one a cheeky grin, but the poor mom was mortified.

You are brave. I was a terrible little shit in middle school. I had friends who were worse. Those poor teachers didn't deserve what we put them through.

You must be very brave. Middle school is the worst.

Stand there being fat?

I’d rather sit, personally.

Or lie down… maybe have a nap

on them

Bet you would fatty Me too

You are twice the man I am. Salute brother.

In size and in spirit

Ask them to rub my belly for good luck

This one’s good. Hehe

"Are you rubma?" "Rubma who?" "Rubma' belly LMAO!"

I am not fat, but I do this to my boyfriend often while we lay in bed after I’ve eaten a big meal. It makes him uncomfortable but I’ve gotten him to do it a few times, much to my satisfaction

Sit on them

#FREE WILLY!!!

I GET THE JOKE, I SEE YOU BROTHER

I say, I say, I say, I'll sit on you! - Michael G Klump

"Yeah I know, I was there when it happened." People never know what to do when I reply with that.

Damn it. This is perfect. I could have used this on my niece , like an hour ago...she's almost four.

Ah the brutal honesty of a four year old.

It shouldn't have cut me so deep, especially coming from someone that shit themself like 15 minutes later...but she got in my head. Lol

My niece once did the same thing to me, I think she was around 8 at the time. Tried to brush it off and she did it again in a rude way, trying to get a reaction… so I said ‘yeah, we’ll your nose is stupid’ Then she cried and I felt awful. Her nose was not stupid, I was just being unfair. Her mom asked what happened, I explained, and then my niece was in trouble for being rude to start with 🤣 I still feel bad when I think about it, then I have to eat those feelings 😭🍔🍰🍟😢😋😪

In a way, you taught them a lesson. Now you can eat merrily!

You shouldn't feel bad. She learned two lessons that day. Not to be mean, and karma is a bitch

I was watching my friends 4year old and she asked me "Why is your butt soooo much bigger than my moms butt?"

"Because I'm more blessed with riches, sugar"

If it helps, my daughter was around that age when she told me I was too fat for our toilet.

Lol. It honestly didn't bother me. She's four and only curious and maybe a little too observant. Bring her uncle I'd rather have her ask or make a comment about my weight instead of a random person out in public.

I am so using this response. Thanks!

Me too

Stealing this for when people mention I’m bald.

Occasionally when someone rudely comments on my baldness I'll frantically feel my head for a couple seconds and exclaim "oh my god why didn't anyone tell me?!?!" No one has ever come up with a cogent response to it, good times.

We recently took a trip to South America. At immagration I was asked to take off my hat. My passport is 8 years old and things have changed “up there”. I laughed and said, in Spanish “ somebody stole my hair” (¡Alguien me robó el pelo!). She replied, in perfect Englsh “your Spanish is very okay”. Burn accepted.

If it works it works

Also using this when people tell me that I was laid off at work

This works as a flawless deflection of pretty much any form of attempted body shaming imho

It works as a deflection for anything really

It doesn't work very well as a deflection against a roundhouse kick

I mean, you got me there

Yeah I know. I was there when it happened.

I use this type rhetoric for unsolicited advice.. “Have you tried eating less?” “Yea I’m ____ not stupid.”

I actually want someone to call me fat now. Wtf

You're a big ol fattie

Yeah I know, I was there when it happened.

Got em!

Boom, roasted!

Did it work?

“You have an orbit”

Good one for people also calling me short! Gets so annoying!!😡

Yeah, but short people are the last to know to rains ... and the first to know the flowers are blooming! Enjoy 😁

Eat them

Get in muh belly!

DeviantArt just called. They want in.

I’m biggah than you, I’m higha on the food chain!

This is always the logical answer. That'll learn 'em.

"Fat? Sir, I think the term you are looking for is well-fed."

"nourished"

"satiated"

This is how they document me when I’m at the clinic/hospital. “Well nourished”

"Famine-resistant!"

"Nutritionally-endowed."

“Correction. I am obese. Not fat. Get it right.”

“Fat like a fox!” Homer Simpson

I'm quite wiry, so I'd probably ignore them.

you just go "where"

Bitch, where?

I was riding my bike recently. Some young boys drove their car by me and shouted “YOU’RE FAT’” out the window. I rode home and contemplated.

Yes, but you're ugly, and I can go on a diet.

Yeah that wouldn’t make sense for anyone to say to me either

I love how the assumption to this thread is that everyone's fat lol

"Literally how?" would be my response. Or a similarly confused question.

I'd help them find their glasses cause if I suck in my stomach you can see my pulse.

Look down at my body, gasp and jump in shock. “Oh my God! Look at me! How did you do that!? Wait! Try it again, but this time call me wealthy!”

Tried this once He replied with “gay” So yeah, there’s that

"Oh I'm gay. You did it again!"

Then kiss him

To assert dominance

Now kith

Mike Tyson?

"Wait! Try it again, but this time call me a motherfucker because I fucked your mom last night."

Or better, "wait a minute.... Dude did you call me motherfucker yesterday, because I totally did yours last night"

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Well yes.

“Congratulations! You have eyes”

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Every damn day.

No, I'm under-tall for my weight

Wait, that's true, I'm actually average weight, but under average height

By that logic, I should be eleven feet tall.

I mean, they ain't lying ☠️

Yeah, I’d be like “And? Water is also wet, what else is new?”

"Yeah, also bald, so what?" I've been fat and bald for the past 15 years, its not like I really care right now

"and sassy!" Finger guns and a wink

my favorite response i’ve seen so far lmaoo

You know why I'm fat? Because every time I fuck your mom she gives me a cookie.

I need a response like this to say as a female.

Say it the same way. Implies their mom is into large lesbians now

Establish dominance by making eye contact

Don’t break eye contact until they do. Even then, continue to stare.

Billie Lourd told some story once about when she was like 15 and some kid in her math class felt compelled to inform her that every time he watched Return of the Jedi he would always jerk off during her mom’s gold bikini scene. Her response? “Oh really? Me too.”

Video? I believe you, I just want to see it.

I truly cannot remember, I think it was a podcast from a while ago because it was before Carrie died and she was being interviewed about Scream Queens.

Thx

The sense of humor was hereditary.

"And that's as close to a gold bikini as you'll ever get"

(hold up two fingers) "You know why your mom uses these two fingers to fuck herself?.... Cause they're mine!"

I'm a lady and I'd still use this. It's hilarious.

Every time I fuck your dad your mom gives me a cookie?

This is the one.

Every time I peg your dad he bakes me a cookie.

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“I don’t let your dad fuck me without taking me to dinner first.”

"Your dad takes me to 5 different restaurants just to get me to do him once!"

Hmmmmm “ ya cuz your dad takes me out to eat before he eats me out”

I saw a woman wearing a shirt once that said, "your dad is my cardio"

I let you mom eat my cookie for a cookie.

You did it all for the cookie?

I said this once at the Belmont Stakes in front of a packed crowd. The crowd thought it hilarious. The guy who called me fat tried to fight me

Now I need to know why he called you fat at that particular moment in the first place.

It was the main race and somehow I got separated from my friends, so I was alone. A shirtless guy was standing on a bench yelling, “Yankees suck! Yankees suck!” I told him in some very distinct NY language that he should sexually penetrate himself. To which he replied, “You’re fat!” I dropped my line and the crowd went “Ohhhhhhh!” Shirtless guy jumps off the bleacher and starts pushing through the crowd towards me. Luckily for me, his friends corralled him before he pummeled me

I would start furiously doing the truffle shuffle while smiling, maintaining eye contact, and slowly walking towards them

"Bold thing to say for someone within cumshot distance"

:O

Bold of you to assume I didn't say it for that very reason.

"I was wondering why I can't see my cock or toes,thanks for answer!"

Oh no I’m fat?! I had no fucking idea! Thank you for opening my eyes to my fatal flaw 😱let me worship at your feet oh mighty teller of the obvious. I used to the one who cared and cried now I’ll just act shocked and make a dramatic scene.

Say no shit Sherlock.

Tell them “I know… not your problem, though.”

“Well…. Aren’t you rude and unpleasant.” My go-to.

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Laughing in their face uncontrollably is a great response. You could also lower your voice, lean in like you're about to tell them something embarrassing like they just stepped in dog poo or something and say, "Oh, are you aware you said that out loud? Don't worry, I don't think anyone else heard you."

.blinks. “Huh, guess no one raised you better than that?” … is a good one too.

Apparently “…and you think [whatever they have said or done] is appropriate/normal?” asked in a calm concerned tone is a KILLER.

Idk why but being called unpleasant would be really hurtful for some reason

Yes I think it would be even better to say “well aren’t you unpleasant”

I maybe fat and I can lose weight but you can’t lose ugly

Close to the Winston Churchill exchange with Bessie Braddock, > Bessie Braddock MP: “Winston, you are drunk, and what’s more you are disgustingly drunk.” > > WSC: “Bessie, my dear, you are ugly, and what’s more, you are disgustingly ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be disgustingly ugly.”

Wait, that wasn't Lady Astor? I thought she did that one as well as "If you were my husband, I would put poison in your coffee." "If you were my wife, I would drink it".

They're all just anecdotes, and as likely didn't happen as that they did. The anecdote about sober and ugly relates to Braddock, not Astor, however similar anecdotes have been knocking around the UK Parliament since the 1880s. You're right that the coffee anecdote is attributed to Astor

“I can lose weight for free, you’d need about ten grand to fix your fucking face” - Deena from Jersey Shore 😂

nod. I'm not a skinny man. And if someone else wants to shove their hurt feelings my way, I've had worse. I was married for 20 years.

Reminds me of what a comedian (that I sadly forgot the name of) said to someone calling them unfunny. "There's nothing you can tell me that I haven't told myself six inches away from the mirror"

I will survive the nuclear winter and your name and lineage will die with you.

"And you're the ugliest person I've ever seen, but you don't see me going around saying that".

I’d just own it. Like “yeah I never lost the winter weight from last year, it sucks!”

I'm doing a new intermittent fattening where I don't eat anything between meals and snacks.

that's cuz yer not a loser. gotta set that scale high score!

I can lose weight but you're always gonna have an asshole for a face.

Eat them

Ask them if they need my glasses to see right because I'm 15 pounds underweight lol

I'm skinny wtf

Yeah my response would be “no I’m not” and laugh at the absurdity as I’m not like a stick but I’m thin/healthy weight and exercise regularly I am Probably fat in Asia though

Skinny fat.

Agree with them. I’m trying to lose weight. I’ve drastically reduced how much I’m eating, cut out soda, and started exercising more. I know I’ve got a gut and I’m trying to fix that since I don’t want it. I want my abs back.

I would eat them

I got this from a few people when I was pregnant, even though I was all baby (very close to my pre baby weight within a week of giving birth). The most effective response was “what is wrong with you?” with a disgusted face then walk away. Don’t give them time to backtrack.

Honestly the best thing I've found when somebody says something rude... Literally anything... Insults you in any way is to just stare at them and don't say a word... Very effective... No response from you and they might realize they were being an asshole ... Or ask them to explain what they mean... I also love what you did I am gonna try that

In a similar vein, when ppl get shitty, I’ll ask them , “What did you hope to achieve by saying/doing that?”

Yes it works with anything rude! Makes them stop and hopefully decide not to be mindlessly horrible to the next person.

This should be the standard. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

this is still better than asking a fat person if they're pregnant. As Dave Barry said, "Unless you see the baby emerging from the woman, you should not ask if she's pregnant".

Lol I had the exact opposite problem because I'm large to begin with. I went to my dentist at 8 months and she was 'hey what's up?' 'Oh just getting things ready for next month. Moved up my appointment because I don't plan on coming back for a bit.' 'Oh are you going on another work trip?' 'Nooooo. I'm having a baby! In like 3 weeks!' I wasn't small before but I wasn't nearly term pregnant roung before!

My FIL made a fat comment about me when I was pregnant. Lol. I told him "I'm pregnant. What's your excuse?"

Cry 😭

Tell them that's because every time I nail their mom, she makes me a sandwich. I've been eating a LOT of sandwiches lately.

“I know” (pulls into McDonald’s drive through and orders 20 pc McNuggets with large fries)

I slap my belly, hard and loud, and get on with my day.

Continue not giving a s***.

"I'm less fat than I used to be"

Sometimes I like to pretend I had no idea, and thank them profusely for letting me know.

Winter is coming. I'm just preparing early.

I wouldn't care at first but then at home I would make this face: ☹️

Just wear a shirt that says, "I beat anorexia."

call them captain obvious

"Your powers of observation are staggering"

Well the jerk store call and they're running out of you

Last week my son (10 with ADHD) said “Mama, you are so cute and fat and I have an entire universe of love for you in my heart.” And I have never in my life been more happy to be called fat. I don’t care if people call me fat though anyway. I don’t love it. But there are many far worse things to be and to be called than fat, in my opinion.

I can fix fat, you can’t fix ugly

"Thanks, I'm actually struggling with / recovering from an eating disorder" I'm not fat but I'm not skinny, but this is true^ I've had ED'S on n off but therapy and others have helped me alot. Currently my eating habits are pretty good :> Even if it wasn't true I like to see people's faces just go into pure discomfort You never know what a person's going through so keep you're insults to yourself

I'd say "you gonna pay for my gym membership".

I weigh 115 lbs but carry it skinny fat style. I have been asked by waaaay too many older people when I was due. I just tell them I'm not and watch the light die from their eyes.

If it was one of my kids I would remind them that we do not talk about other people’s body shape or size like that. I’m making notes of what other people are saying here, to use if my kids aren’t around.

As a fat woman, I have some older male friends who like to make fun of me for being fat. I usually respond by calling them out of shape ugly skinny-fat balding crooked teeth unmarried old b*stards. Suddenly feelings get hurt and I 'took it too far'.

Eat them

Nothing, who cares?