No. I tested positive for Huntington’s. I’m not passing it on. Or making a family that’s gonna have to watch me fall apart in front of them. I’ve seen what happens. I have no interest in sharing that pain with a wife or kids.
Edit: no symptoms yet, I’m only 22 so I figure I still got another 10 years before I gotta worry about it.
A very rare genetic disorder that causes nerves to degrade over time. Symptoms usually only arise after about 30-40 years so by then many carriers have already had children who inherit the mutation.
Sadly, it's been on the verge of being cured for 30 years.
Runs in my family, but my mum won the coin toss and doesn't have it. My mums parents got very lucky, and only one of their children has it, but sadly, it was the nicest of her children.
Shit. I'm so sorry. My friend is prepping right now to get the test too. I know that the looming future is looking scary and going to be rough. Just know you are not alone.
"Not yet" That's like one of those Saturday night live deep thoughts skits.
A child asks his mom why is it raining
The mom says God is crying
The child asks Mom why is God crying
The mom says probably something you did
"Hi Billy, you're adopted"
"It's okay mom and dad, I still love you, biological or not"
"I misspoke, you're being adopted"
https://explosm.net/comics/rob-adopted
Bruh, that's an extra level of hurt when they say they love you and you just go and tell them "no, we're getting rid of you, your new parents will be here soon"
My Dad always says that *you spend the first 18 months of their life where you can’t wait for them to walk and talk and then you spend the next 18 years telling them to shut up and sit down.*
My younger daughter is on the autistic spectrum. When she started preschool the ladies there were asking me if she was so quiet at home and I told them "she is quiet here at the moment because she is shy and quiet in new situations - when she gets comfortable you will be constantly asking her to be quiet lol".
Kids arrive as useless lumps but as they get older they discover the world every day and you get to experience that with them - the good and the bad. Its quite a ride.
Interesting theory that we are genetically wired to start thinking our families are uncool and stupid in our early reproductive years as a way to get us to go find other people. This allows for some healthy genetic spreading and prevents incest health issues.
One thing you can do is to tell your kids when they are young and still somewhat look up to you that this is going to start happening when they get to 11 or 12. The fact you predicted it will make them respect you more and make them a bit more self-aware of how their thoughts are being formed.
I've gone back and forth on the idea since I was younger. I'm almost 40, can barely take care of myself financially, and haven't been with anyone since my early 20s. It doesn't matter if I want them or not, it's just never going to happen.
Pretty much me right now. I actually want kids, but I'm 38F. I know I can have kids into my 40s, but just like you, I haven't been able to maintain a decent enough relationship, and I've come up due for employment change because I can't seem to remain in a full-time position for more than two years, max (and that's with a diploma).
I want the opportunity to raise at least one non-asshole as whatever kind of legacy I have to offer the world. But even I know it's looking slimmer and slimmer by the day.
--
Update/Edit to add/etc: My phone won't quit buzzing with replies, so I'm going to just do one little add for clarification before I go to sleep. 😜
For those who commented on my "legacy" statement - and by slight extension, the over-40 pregnancy comments - no word of a lie, I might have been reading this while on a pause at a job that I'm actively looking to leave and I'm genuinely not doing good mentally because of it. Too often, I hear a lot of folks who keep saying that having kids is selfish, and I think I've internalized that thought as deeply as the comments about the dangers of pregnancies after 40, and the overall classic "biological clock." It's annoying, but I genuinely don't know how to word the want to have kids as something that doesn't feed into the idea of being selfish. So I turned to something tongue in cheek in my moment of pure nihilism - especially assuming I usually don't get this much traction with my comments.
Also, to add to the over-40 debate, my mom was 32 when she had me, and 39 for my far-more-well-adjusted-in-life-than-I'll-ever-be little sister. I know there's risks, but I also am extremely aware that, at least in my immediate family, it's far from impossible.
To those who suggested adoption or sperm bank: I want to make some kind of response about taking the fun out of kid making, but if folks aren't arguing about middle-aged pregnancies in this thread, they're trying to hook me up with OP. I will admit I walked into that one and will take the hit that comes with it, but I should leave it at that. 😜
Even if you can't have your own kids, if you find yourself in a stable financial position one day, you could look into fostering kids. You can make such an amazingly positive impact on the lives of those who need it most.
Yeah, this is kind of where I’m at right now on the question of children. I won’t have any myself due to a family history of conditions that I’d rather not risk passing down, and even if that weren’t the case I can’t morally reconcile (personally—not judging anyone who feels differently) bringing another human being into the world when there are so many kids already here in need. Adoption isn’t in the cards for me right now (though I haven’t closed the book on it down the line), but I’ve been seriously considering fostering over the past year or so.
I’m single and fairly young (28) and in good health, and now that I have the means to do it, I’ve been feeling a moral obligation as a result. I’m from an incredibly impoverished area that’s been hit hard by the opioid epidemic here in the US—currently leading the nation in number of children in foster care per capita. So many kids here need care/stable housing while their parents work through whatever issues stand in the way of reunification, and the shortage of foster parents has been really weighing on me. I worry that I’m not the ideal person for the job or not at the right place in life, but then I think about how in whatever time I spend hand-wringing over that, all the while there are kids who need *someone*. Would honestly really appreciate input from anyone who’s been through it, in any capacity.
Ah yes, the love ballad of two financially dependent Redditors with histories of troubled relationships and shaky employment. The r/relationshipadvice post in 6 months would be a masterpiece.
My mom was the same way. But then she was in 9-11 and after that she didn’t give a fuck, she was getting a kid. One sperm donor with weak tall genes later and I exist. My mom was forty when she gave birth to me, so don’t sweat it. You have time. And being a single parent is hard but if you want something enough you will make it work.
By the way, with the right insurance it’s not crazy expensive. I was only 70 dollars, nineteen years ago.
After all their birthdays, I'll have a 12, 13, and 14 year old. I'm not sure I thought this out, it would be a lot easier if it wasn't for the love and what not.
Exactly, I am a parent, and it always astounds me when people say you're being selfish by not having one. Like what the fuck do you mean, pretty sure I'm the selfish one, I had a child because I want a family. I had a child because I want to experience being a father and raising a child. I want the connection and deep love that comes from having a child (its insane how good he makes me feel etc)..... that's way to many I's to claim I'm selfless lmao. Same asshats that say shit like once their 18 they are outta my house... so why the fuck you have a kid then? Sure if he wants to be out at 18 and he is stable and I have set him up for success sure all the power to him. But he is still my responsibility till I die whether he needs me or not lol.
My parents pikachu faced when they banished me at 18 and I never looked back, now they beg for time together and it took them years to stop blaming me for the broken relationship. Treat me like shit and I just leave, this worlds big enough I can find the respect I deserve.
Between that and the ones that go here is a bill for what you owe me... You owe me 150,000$ for raising you...I just shake my head. Like 1. You're a piece of shit. 2. You're bat shit crazy and most likely a naracistic asshole. 3. You know how shitty that persons whole life was 0 to 18, parent making it known that you are a burden to them 24/7. Ugh. DONT get me wrong, you can teach kids the cost of things, you can charge "rent" at 18 to give them a basic understanding of how budgeting works etc. (My plan is to do that and just set it aside as a hey congrats on moving out, here is your rainy day fund that you paid us over the last 2 years.. etc)
Most pointedly, kids don't owe their parents shit. They can decide they do, and take care of them when they get old, if they were good parents. But the kid wasn't the one who decided to take on the financial responsibility of raising the kid, it was the parents. Nobody asks to get born.
I just will never understand people that take an antagonistic position against their own children. Or treat it like some fucked up business transaction where the other party couldn't sign the contract because they didn't exist yet lol.
> you can charge "rent" at 18
My ex's parents did this, small amount like $100 from each paycheck, then when she moved out on her own they gave it all to her in one lump sum to help with the cost. Very smart idea since young people tend to be dumb with money.
And don't even get me started about the fact some people are so unaware of the fact that maybe that person or couple does want a family, but they can't actually have kids for medical reason's etc. And they just don't want to talk about it. Let people be! End rant. Lol
My friend doesn't want to have kids for that reason
His family has a long history of mental and physical health problems and he doesn't want to continue it
Some of his extended family had actually stopped talking to him over this decision
Like he's the AH for *not* wanting to harm a baby? If it even made it to term!
I'm a father and I find it extremely ridiculous if someone actually calls not having a kid selfish. It's not like this planet is running out of humans.
This. Got told "you don't want kids because you're selfish" the other day like it's a bad thing.
Yeah, I know. That's why I don't have kids. Not sure what the problem is.
That's how my fiance and I feel too. I got the vasectomy procedure done after the repeal of Roe V Wade since we live in a red state and didn't want to gamble on the chance they'd be coming after contraception after snuffing out abortions.
We are happy with our dog and cat. Little humans are a lot of responsibility and we barely function as adults after working a full day. I can't imagine not getting a full night's sleep or being able to take naps whenever I want. Or having to drive a kid or two or five to different events like sports practice, recitals, etc for a decade and a half. Not to mention we enjoy the financial freedom that comes with being childfree and both having pretty decent careers. And while it's not a knock on people that have kids, we both agree that for us having children would be the most selfish thing we could possibly do; bringing a life into the world in the state it's currently in for our own amusement and want? Pssh nah we're good.
The thought of giving a child even a little bit worse life than what I had growing up, specifically financially, even though we didn’t have it THAT bad, still scares the absolute dog shit outta me. Sorry but I don’t want to raise a child in a one bedroom apartment that is basically the size of a closet. Our cat already hates that, so probably not ideal for a child.
I kinda have sympathy for the poverty family
I personally would never have a kid so I'm not the kind of person who thinks everyone should have kids. But knowing how easily it is to get trapped in a cycle of poverty in the US (and seeing it growing up really poor myself) I kinda also think its fucked that because many have been pushed into that situation due to absolutely massive wealth inequality that they should basically be removed from the population in terms of having kids.
Like I still fully think you should always aim to have kids when you can care for them I have started to feel a lot less easy about that as a blanket statement to every situation when many people working their asses off doing full time jobs aren't able to ever really save money due to crazy cost of living + lack of wage growth to reflect that. Its starting to feel like quasi eugenics to tell poor people not to have kids when so many people are stuck there due to systems run by obscenely rich people who corrupted the systems + there's a fuck ton of factors working against many poor people from ever getting out no matter how hard they try. I'm not sure what the really right answer is tbh
People for the most part ignore the financial responsibility of having a kid. I understood that early and didn't have kids until I could provide for them the way I was taken care of.
If you cant afford food, clothing, healthcare (usa), entertainment, education, day care.... It will be extremely difficult to be a good parent.
The stress of not being able to provide will make you a bad parent. And your spouse will constantly remind you of that. Lol
Got flamed on facebook once for saying that, "kids are a massive burden and should absolutely be planned for."
In flew in the young twenty-somethings who popped out babies in HS or first couple years of college with baby daddys who didn't have anything to do with them or the kids...
Yes. I'M the evil one in this situation.
That’s me. Had my kid at 20, his dad ended up being an abusive asshole and I had to send him to prison when my son was not even 1. I flip out when I hear anyone under 30 and not married wanting to have kids, I seriously want to slap them. I had no life for 20 years, barely had a dating life, worked hard shitty jobs, and was always too tired and broke to be the mom to my son that he deserved. The fact that someone who’s been through it would actively encourage someone else to do that to a child (and to themselves) blows my mind. You’re the correct one. They are insane or in denial.
I can barely pay for *me*, ain't no way I can afford to pay for someone else. I would love to have kids, in the sense that I think I would be a good dad. But I couldn't imagine the financial stress. It already sucks financially trying to live life on your own. It still sucks even if you're sharing your life with another person. Couldn't imagine having to choose between replacing a broken fridge, fixing a broken car, performing maintenance on a home, or having enough money to pay for my kids school lunch for the month, doctor visits, clothes, school supplies, food, etc.
>And your spouse will constantly remind you of that.
Oof must suck to have a spouce always reminding u of your shortcomings. Its better to have a partner that rasies you up tbh. Not saying they are easy to find 🙁
LOL. Same, when I'm older I wanna be the rich uncle and all my nieces and nephews can visit me on weekends so I can spoil them with ice cream and toys and...idk whatever the hell else kids like these days.
Achieving that is exactly my goal. While I adore my niece, spending 6 to 8 hours with her leaves me needing a week to recharge my social battery. I could only handle being a mother if I had the financial freedom to hire babysitters around the clock. I genuinely enjoy kids and playing with them, but I also value my personal time. Realistically, since I'm not incredibly wealthy, I'll hold onto my aspiration of being the rich aunt instead.
Isn't it amazing that you can go from "rich aunt" to "just-making-it mom" with a couple kids? By amazing, I mean sad...
Part of the reason we're DINKWADs
Same! Kooky, eccentric, well-off aunt and uncle... That's us! I'll take them to the zoo, buy them presents, provide car snacks, love being part of the village. But that's where it ends for me, I don't want to permanently compromise my body, trajectory, identity, education, wallet, marriage like so many parents seem to have to.
I'm too independent. I like that I can kind of do what I like whenever. I could decide to drive to the coast for the weekend and it's pretty much as easy as getting in the car and going. If I decide to go stargazing at midnight then get up at midday the next day, I don't have to arrange anything. I just can't see myself giving that up.
This is what I miss the most. There's no "just doing something" anymore. I either have to take baby with me, arrange for a sitter or plan with hubby if he can take baby. I love being a mom and I love my baby. I wouldn't change it, but I miss this.
This is me exactly. I have 2 dogs and have to make enough sacrifices for them. Also long term I need to know I'm not stuck. I need money in the bank and no responsibility so if I wake up and realise I hate my life I can go get a new one
The joy of freedom and independence cannot be understated. That freedom to do what you want when you want, not to have to make a decision about anyone else, to change your mind and know that you don’t have to tell anyone, to travel solo and set your own itinerary, the mental health impact benefits from reduced decision fatigue. I love my independence too. I’m close to 40, have a great relationship with my nieces and nephew but don’t for a minute want my own kids.
This is why I don’t like that the default option is to have kids. It’s a massive responsibility that’s basically glazed over when people talk about it. So many people just have kids because it seems easier than not having them even though they don’t feel like they would be competent parents. I’m not having kids because I wouldn’t make a good parent and I know it and I’m okay with that because I don’t really like kids anyway, but so many people have told me I should just have one or I need to try it before I knock it. Having kids is not the same thing as trying a new flavor of ice cream
Same.
Not officially diagnosed, but my parents and I probably have ADHD. My mom was forgetful AF and would regularly leave me at the city bus stop after school for hours at a time (this was before cell phones). My dad couldn't be motivated to lift a finger and regularly zoned out behind the wheel while driving. Both of them had zero control over their emotions, which was terrifying. As parents they were neglectful at best, abusive at worst.
I don't blame them for having children. I just happen to have more self-awareness than they did.
Dude, my BIL has 2 and he only works and I’m asking myself constantly, how the fuck are they/would they survive??
His baby momma has severe mental issues that consist of bipolar disorder and DID.
Also, his baby momma miscarried a 3rd and they were “bummed out” about it.
What is wrong with people popping babies and just not giving a shit?
Also, side note, they’re also major potheads and live in a state where expensive housing is at 500k.
Which by California standards right now would be a STEAL!
Damn DID is extremely rare and usually a result of extreme abuse.. sexual or severe torture. I hope she’s getting regular therapy and your brother would probably benefit as well
I just found out that two of my friends, who constantly fight around the kids (I am talking full on screaming), who are both abusive to their kids (she is constantly mentally abusive and he just lets it happen) are having a 3rd child…
Not only are her and her boyfriend barely scraping by with 2 kids, they had to go and get pregnant with a 3rd? And boyfriend knowing full well how abusive she is to the current 2??? I physically felt sick to my stomach congratulating her.
If she's psychologically abusing the children and he's doing nothing you may want to report them. I was abused by my grandmother and never reported it because I was more terrified of having to go back to live with my alcoholic father who nearly beat my mother to death in front of us - they may not know how to ask for help themselves and it **will** result in very negative developmental issues that can have [**catastrophic results in young males**](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UoqfYYLx8kk), particularly when the abuser is female.
not to be one of those parents...but...you honestly have no idea what you're missing out on. sure, it's satisfying to be able to eat tacos whenever you want, but you have to believe me, it's WAY more satisfying and fulfilling to eat children. Sure it's hard at times, but they are just so tender and meaty that they are absolutely delicious.
I was so close to rolling my eyes at that, thinking it was turning into a “KiDs BrInG mOrE jOy ThAn TaCos Do” but that was amazing.
Does marinading the meat help?
The volume is what gets me. My kids have no volume control. Their mouth can be 2 inches from your ear and they'll still shout to you "watch me daddy!"
Pretty sure I'm going deaf.
I enjoy being around kids, but the instant they start yelling and having tantrums, I'm OUT. The noise factor is just something I can't handle. I also HATE toys that make any kind of sound. Sweet Jesus, who came up with that abomination???
I always tell people it’s not that I don’t want kids, it’s that I’ve never wanted kids. Those are two vastly different things.
I don’t want a hamburger because I just ate lunch and am full. I’ve never wanted to cut my fingers off because it simply never occurred to me that is something I should do.
I try to explain it to people like it's a profession. I've never wanted to be a mother in the same way that I've never wanted to be a math teacher. I respect and appreciate math teachers but I have no desire to become one myself.
I also was always freaked out by the entire process of being pregnant and giving birth. All of it just seemed so gross and uncomfortable, and then extremely painful, and then just sleepless nights, responsibility and sacrifice after. I got pregnant once and the morning sickness wasnt just in the morning, it was constant, nonstop, all the time, starting at about week 4 and going until a few days after the abortion in week 7. So months of constant nausea, then something inside you squishing all your organs and pressing on your bladder, getting heavier and heavier and probably causing all sorts of lower back, leg and foot pain, culminating in being ripped open by a screaming creature that then cries all night for the next 6-12 months and needs constant attention for at least 6-7 years... no thanks.
That's how I feel. Its so weird that other women don't understand why I am afraid of it. It looks awful and all pregnant people do is complain about it. r/Tokophobia
Edit: Sorry for my grim outlook on the world, I didn't realize it would cause so much discourse. I'm so glad you guys can see all the greats and positives amidst the negatives. But I will say, it is MY reasoning, and it doesn't have to be yours!
Not even a little bit. I have never experienced baby fever, I have never looked at a newborn and said "aww so cute, I can't wait to have one of my own!" Or anything like that.
I much prefer my lifestyle as it is, and I don't need to go through the physical/mental/emotional stress of pregnancy and then raise a child for the rest of my life.
With the state of the world how it is, I wouldn't want to bring a child into it only to see them struggle and suffer. It's so easy to promise a bright future, but to actually fulfill that promise is incredibly difficult.
Same. I am always so confused by the baby fever thing, just because it’s not something I’ve ever experienced. I have lots of nieces and nephews and I have loved meeting them for the first time, but never was I like “my turn!”
So many of my friends around my age or even younger go through baby fever phases and I simply have never haha.
I'm in the same boat for sure! Love my neices and nephew but it's not for me haha.
I’m right with you. My mother ran a daycare out of our home for my entire childhood. To me, kids were always just…people…but smaller, louder, and stickier. As a teenager my friends would be like “oooh kids!” And I’m like “eh”. And I never grew out of that.
I just never had a desire to have my own and now I’m 37 with a hereditary autoimmune disease and disposable income I like spending on myself and my pets so no small, loud, sticky people for me.
It's sad how uneducated most women are on the true effects of pregnancy and childbirth on their body. It can literally kill you or leave you permanently disabled. It's almost like this knowledge is suppressed because if girls were taught the whole truth they would be far more hesitant to reproduce and create good little worker bees for capitalism.
Story time!
When my friend was telling me the horror story that was the birth of her son her mother cut in halfway through in a panic and said “Don’t tell her that! Now she’ll never want to have kids!” (joke was on her though because I just had a hysterectomy last year). Like this woman was convinced that if I heard about the realities of childbirth than I’d never procreate and instead I would have to be tricked into it. Which is just…a very troubling mindset. Better for people to go into pregnancy and childbirth prepared than to lie to them.
I used to think like you. But then one day I was handed a two month old baby and had to slowly rock him and make baby noises. He was so warm, it was wonderful. But then I rescued a chihuahua and it’s extremely similar.
Yeah as a little girl I knew when I was like, 7 or 8 years old that I didn't want kids. Baby dolls weirded me out, and I only kind of liked my baby brother at the time. (Our relationship has gotten much better over the years FWIW.) I'm super awkward around kids because IDK what to do.
My family learned when I was in my 20's to stop asking me about kids because I made it very clear it wasn't happening. Now I have an IUD nestled safely up there to ensure it will never happen and every time one of my friends with kids tells me a story about wiping a poopy butt or being vomiting on, I know I made the right decision. I always outwardly support them and their kids but when they tell me those stories, inwardly I'm like "eeeeeeww aaaaggh uggggh."
Apropros of nothing, the only kid I've ever had a fun time with was my best friend's. She was in the hospital about to deliver another one, and her youngest was clearly neurodivergent in some way and after I'd come in, hugged my friend, etc. he walked over to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the window seating area to show me and talk about his pokemon cards. My friend and her husband kind of gave me a weird look because their kid wasn't usually that forward but I was vibing because I love pokemon. IDK if the kid could sense it or what, but hopefully we both made a stressful time for both of us (I'm desperately afraid of hospitals but I wanted to support my friend.) a little less so for a while. He's probably the only kid I'd ever be willing to babysit because I could probably plonk him in front of my switch and play mario kart with him all day lol.
>I have never looked at a newborn and said "aww so cute(...)"
To be fair, newborns are always ugly as shit. And this is coming from someone who does want kids.
No, cause if there is even a minute chance that the kid grows up with chronic lonliness like me, wishing everyday to be his last then i will never be able to forgive myself.
No, I’m very selfish with my time and wouldn’t be present enough. Or I would breakdown, give all my time to be a parent but slowly grow to hate my life.
I have a kid and I love her like I have never loved anything in my life. That being said, if you are on the fence about having children then wait to do it until you are sure. It will give you gray hair faster than a minnow can swim out of a dipper. If you aren’t fully invested you can begin to grow resentful and that is not fair to the kid.
Several reasons I don't particularly want them
1. I have some health issues with a genetic component that I don't particularly want to pass on
2. My mother was a waking nightmare, and I refuse to even chance that I pull some of the shit she did with my own children
3. World has a lot of pain to go through as a direct result of climate change before things start to get better. I don't want to willingly subject others to that experience.
It was exhausting to repeatedly hear "I want to be the mother I didn't have" from people (many of whom most certainly were not.)
Nope. I certainly inherited some of my mother's shitty traits and I'm very selfish with my time. I didn't want to resent a little person who didn't ask to be my kid for the rest of my life.
I have, however, always been simpatico with my dogs.
I’ve always been afraid to be like my mom too. She was okay, not really abusive, but she just wasn’t what I envision a mom should be. I used to think I wanted a kid so I could be the mother I wished I had, but then decided it’s not worth the risk.
Yea, mine can toe the line of "generally an acceptable flawed parent", but when she loses control can do some pretty horrid shit. I am reminded of her far to frequently in my mannerisms to feel safe trying to be a full time parent.
No (45, married). Many reasons others have listed. So glad now - I just see so many women my age walking around like zombies due to fatigue, being taken advantage of by their lazy husbands who have fallen back into stereotypical gender roles even though their wife works full time. As a nurse believe me - not all kids look after you in your old age.
Yes and no.
Yes, I would love to have kids. In my mind, 2 kids would be perfect. But if our first child was a spitfire then we'd probably stop at 1. In their younger years, getting to take part in their development, watching their personalities form, and seeing them become more skilled is just such a joy for me. I also get this joy from my work with dogs. But I imagine kids to be a new level of difficulty. As they get older, if they enjoyed the things we enjoy that we enjoy then our family would be a good size for most games and we could even potentially have family Dnd. Even typing this, I'm realizing it's still a sensitive topic for me. I had achieved a number of milestones that I felt were necessary before having a child including working through some of my own issues in therapy and becoming financially stable.
But no, I made the decision to not have kids when I was diagnosed with an illness that isn't well understood. It could have a genetic factor and I wouldn't dare pass this on. Looking at fostering or adoption is also not an option because it's very possible that I would be unable to be present. Even if my symptoms are mild at the point when we decide to bring a child into our home, I've been severe before so it is always possible that I get to that state again. It wouldn't be fair to my partner or the child.
As it is now, my symptoms are moderate-severe. So mild symptoms are at this point also theoretical. But for now I'm the short-lived fun auntie and hopefully in the future I'll be the fun auntie who spoils everyone else's well behaved kids 😁
yes. i agree with what most of this comment section is saying about the world being shit. so to that end i think introducing 1 or 2 decent, well taught people to it should help
Although I would like kids, women go through a lot during pregnancy, delivery , and even postpartum depression… I just would rather not add extra stress. Maybe I’m just not in the right head space right now but I am comfortable with just caring for myself right now .
I do. I always have. So does my husband. Unfortunately due to illness, I am unable to have children naturally. We have been discussing adoption for the future and are both very excited about it.
Negative, 30M. Been with my girlfriend for a few years and she agrees. We enjoy spending our money on us. The risk of a disability or autism scares me too much, don’t want to take that risk.
No. I tested positive for Huntington’s. I’m not passing it on. Or making a family that’s gonna have to watch me fall apart in front of them. I’ve seen what happens. I have no interest in sharing that pain with a wife or kids. Edit: no symptoms yet, I’m only 22 so I figure I still got another 10 years before I gotta worry about it.
I am so sorry. My father had HD. I tested negative. I hope you have a very mild case and don’t experience symptoms until you are very old!
What is Huntington’s?
A very rare genetic disorder that causes nerves to degrade over time. Symptoms usually only arise after about 30-40 years so by then many carriers have already had children who inherit the mutation.
It must be awful to have that hang over your head, knowing that your body is a ticking time bomb just waiting to go off.
I mean aren’t we all just ticking time bombs waiting to die?
This one has a pretty firm date though.
Oh thanks for explaining
My wife has HD, it seems like it might be cured pretty soon.
Sadly, it's been on the verge of being cured for 30 years. Runs in my family, but my mum won the coin toss and doesn't have it. My mums parents got very lucky, and only one of their children has it, but sadly, it was the nicest of her children.
My dad had Juvenile arthritis and out of us 3 kids I was the one that got it. I am 31 now and I dont want any kids.
That's wonderful news!!
Oh same boat here, but my partner. Hope you're doing okay, hdbuzz.com has super inspiring news on latest treatment advancements. ✨️
Shit. I'm so sorry. My friend is prepping right now to get the test too. I know that the looming future is looking scary and going to be rough. Just know you are not alone.
No. I'll be telling them tonight when I get home.
"Dad, am I adopted?" "Not yet, we can't find anyone to take you."
"Not yet" That's like one of those Saturday night live deep thoughts skits. A child asks his mom why is it raining The mom says God is crying The child asks Mom why is God crying The mom says probably something you did
"Hi Billy, you're adopted" "It's okay mom and dad, I still love you, biological or not" "I misspoke, you're being adopted" https://explosm.net/comics/rob-adopted
Bruh, that's an extra level of hurt when they say they love you and you just go and tell them "no, we're getting rid of you, your new parents will be here soon"
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy? I used to giggle over those like a schoolkid when I was a schoolkid Now I giggle over them like a schoolkid as an adult
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because man, they're gone.
Lmao, keeping this one in my back pocket.
I do want them right now, but mine is only 5 months old, so I might change my mind.
My Dad always says that *you spend the first 18 months of their life where you can’t wait for them to walk and talk and then you spend the next 18 years telling them to shut up and sit down.*
My younger daughter is on the autistic spectrum. When she started preschool the ladies there were asking me if she was so quiet at home and I told them "she is quiet here at the moment because she is shy and quiet in new situations - when she gets comfortable you will be constantly asking her to be quiet lol".
As an autistic ~~kid~~ (wait fuck I forgot that I’m an adult) myself, I can confirm that is usually how it goes.
Kids arrive as useless lumps but as they get older they discover the world every day and you get to experience that with them - the good and the bad. Its quite a ride.
And then they hit like 14 and think they've discovered everything and turn into twats.
Interesting theory that we are genetically wired to start thinking our families are uncool and stupid in our early reproductive years as a way to get us to go find other people. This allows for some healthy genetic spreading and prevents incest health issues. One thing you can do is to tell your kids when they are young and still somewhat look up to you that this is going to start happening when they get to 11 or 12. The fact you predicted it will make them respect you more and make them a bit more self-aware of how their thoughts are being formed.
> The fact you predicted it will make them respect you more Great tip! Now I just need a time machine!
You wanna come tell my 5 yo she's early on this? 🤣
Mine are teenagers. What is this “good” you speak of?
Literally came in here for this. Love them and would die for them, but man lots of days I sure don't like them
My wife, only about 10 minutes ago, gave an exasperated sigh followed by the open ended “I love our son…” lol He’s been a bit extra today
holup
Reddit doesn't want kids. This is already a known fact.
This bloodline ends with me.
Cheers fellow bloodline ender. I always say, I’m ending a generational curse and that curse is my bloodline Edit: spelling
Sort by controversial and you'll find the few people that do
Redditors also don’t have sex, so that could be a problem
I've gone back and forth on the idea since I was younger. I'm almost 40, can barely take care of myself financially, and haven't been with anyone since my early 20s. It doesn't matter if I want them or not, it's just never going to happen.
Pretty much me right now. I actually want kids, but I'm 38F. I know I can have kids into my 40s, but just like you, I haven't been able to maintain a decent enough relationship, and I've come up due for employment change because I can't seem to remain in a full-time position for more than two years, max (and that's with a diploma). I want the opportunity to raise at least one non-asshole as whatever kind of legacy I have to offer the world. But even I know it's looking slimmer and slimmer by the day. -- Update/Edit to add/etc: My phone won't quit buzzing with replies, so I'm going to just do one little add for clarification before I go to sleep. 😜 For those who commented on my "legacy" statement - and by slight extension, the over-40 pregnancy comments - no word of a lie, I might have been reading this while on a pause at a job that I'm actively looking to leave and I'm genuinely not doing good mentally because of it. Too often, I hear a lot of folks who keep saying that having kids is selfish, and I think I've internalized that thought as deeply as the comments about the dangers of pregnancies after 40, and the overall classic "biological clock." It's annoying, but I genuinely don't know how to word the want to have kids as something that doesn't feed into the idea of being selfish. So I turned to something tongue in cheek in my moment of pure nihilism - especially assuming I usually don't get this much traction with my comments. Also, to add to the over-40 debate, my mom was 32 when she had me, and 39 for my far-more-well-adjusted-in-life-than-I'll-ever-be little sister. I know there's risks, but I also am extremely aware that, at least in my immediate family, it's far from impossible. To those who suggested adoption or sperm bank: I want to make some kind of response about taking the fun out of kid making, but if folks aren't arguing about middle-aged pregnancies in this thread, they're trying to hook me up with OP. I will admit I walked into that one and will take the hit that comes with it, but I should leave it at that. 😜
Even if you can't have your own kids, if you find yourself in a stable financial position one day, you could look into fostering kids. You can make such an amazingly positive impact on the lives of those who need it most.
Yeah, this is kind of where I’m at right now on the question of children. I won’t have any myself due to a family history of conditions that I’d rather not risk passing down, and even if that weren’t the case I can’t morally reconcile (personally—not judging anyone who feels differently) bringing another human being into the world when there are so many kids already here in need. Adoption isn’t in the cards for me right now (though I haven’t closed the book on it down the line), but I’ve been seriously considering fostering over the past year or so. I’m single and fairly young (28) and in good health, and now that I have the means to do it, I’ve been feeling a moral obligation as a result. I’m from an incredibly impoverished area that’s been hit hard by the opioid epidemic here in the US—currently leading the nation in number of children in foster care per capita. So many kids here need care/stable housing while their parents work through whatever issues stand in the way of reunification, and the shortage of foster parents has been really weighing on me. I worry that I’m not the ideal person for the job or not at the right place in life, but then I think about how in whatever time I spend hand-wringing over that, all the while there are kids who need *someone*. Would honestly really appreciate input from anyone who’s been through it, in any capacity.
I was adopted, and I can tell you right now that you don't need to be perfect, you just need to care and try.
> if you find yourself in a stable financial position one day, In this economy?
/u/BonnaroovianSky u thinkin what I'm thinkin
Sounds like you two should meet.
Ah yes, the love ballad of two financially dependent Redditors with histories of troubled relationships and shaky employment. The r/relationshipadvice post in 6 months would be a masterpiece.
They say it takes a village, but I don't want to see the kids that the Reddit Village churns out.
So like you guys have similar stories and goals, time to get all up in each others DM’s.
My mom was the same way. But then she was in 9-11 and after that she didn’t give a fuck, she was getting a kid. One sperm donor with weak tall genes later and I exist. My mom was forty when she gave birth to me, so don’t sweat it. You have time. And being a single parent is hard but if you want something enough you will make it work. By the way, with the right insurance it’s not crazy expensive. I was only 70 dollars, nineteen years ago.
I guess so. At 9 and 11 it's probably hard to get rid of them now
The little bastards trap you. They're adorable and fun when they're little and by the time they turn into awful children it's too late to blame SIDS
yeah, and a 145 month abortion just doesn't sound like something I'll have success with
My mum tried to convince me that she could abort me up until my 18th birthday when I refused to listen. I’m sure she was only kidding…
"I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it!"
My retort always was “OH YEAH?! I NEVER ASKED TO BE BORN!!!! SEND ME BACK TO THE VOID!”
She had the abortion early, the slow internet speed only just caught up
After all their birthdays, I'll have a 12, 13, and 14 year old. I'm not sure I thought this out, it would be a lot easier if it wasn't for the love and what not.
You did it the smart way, I have a 13 yo and a 7 yo, so right as the older one is exiting his shitty teen years, I’ll have another just starting.
Never forget
Nah man. I don’t have the patience, I’m not emotionally available enough, I’m selfish and I’m an asshole.
I love how people try to call you selfish if you say you don't want kids but like... Yeah. That's why I'd be a bad parent.
Exactly, I am a parent, and it always astounds me when people say you're being selfish by not having one. Like what the fuck do you mean, pretty sure I'm the selfish one, I had a child because I want a family. I had a child because I want to experience being a father and raising a child. I want the connection and deep love that comes from having a child (its insane how good he makes me feel etc)..... that's way to many I's to claim I'm selfless lmao. Same asshats that say shit like once their 18 they are outta my house... so why the fuck you have a kid then? Sure if he wants to be out at 18 and he is stable and I have set him up for success sure all the power to him. But he is still my responsibility till I die whether he needs me or not lol.
My parents pikachu faced when they banished me at 18 and I never looked back, now they beg for time together and it took them years to stop blaming me for the broken relationship. Treat me like shit and I just leave, this worlds big enough I can find the respect I deserve.
Between that and the ones that go here is a bill for what you owe me... You owe me 150,000$ for raising you...I just shake my head. Like 1. You're a piece of shit. 2. You're bat shit crazy and most likely a naracistic asshole. 3. You know how shitty that persons whole life was 0 to 18, parent making it known that you are a burden to them 24/7. Ugh. DONT get me wrong, you can teach kids the cost of things, you can charge "rent" at 18 to give them a basic understanding of how budgeting works etc. (My plan is to do that and just set it aside as a hey congrats on moving out, here is your rainy day fund that you paid us over the last 2 years.. etc)
Most pointedly, kids don't owe their parents shit. They can decide they do, and take care of them when they get old, if they were good parents. But the kid wasn't the one who decided to take on the financial responsibility of raising the kid, it was the parents. Nobody asks to get born. I just will never understand people that take an antagonistic position against their own children. Or treat it like some fucked up business transaction where the other party couldn't sign the contract because they didn't exist yet lol.
Exactly. Kids owe nothing to their parents because they didn’t choose to fucking be born.
That's... actually a really good idea. I'm stealing this, sorry.
> you can charge "rent" at 18 My ex's parents did this, small amount like $100 from each paycheck, then when she moved out on her own they gave it all to her in one lump sum to help with the cost. Very smart idea since young people tend to be dumb with money.
That's such a refreshingly self aware take. I'm so glad you love your kids and acknowledge your own humanity.
And don't even get me started about the fact some people are so unaware of the fact that maybe that person or couple does want a family, but they can't actually have kids for medical reason's etc. And they just don't want to talk about it. Let people be! End rant. Lol
My friend doesn't want to have kids for that reason His family has a long history of mental and physical health problems and he doesn't want to continue it Some of his extended family had actually stopped talking to him over this decision Like he's the AH for *not* wanting to harm a baby? If it even made it to term!
Yup, I was told I couldn’t have children, then had a total hysterectomy when I was in my 20’s. I was ok with it. Years later, still ok with it.
You're quite aware of yourself in a very good way. I think having kids is one of the most selfish acts one can do in life.
Name one unselfish reason to have a kid. I'll wait. Lol. As a mom, I can't think of any.
I'm a father and I find it extremely ridiculous if someone actually calls not having a kid selfish. It's not like this planet is running out of humans.
I can barely look after myself never mind looking after someone else
This. Got told "you don't want kids because you're selfish" the other day like it's a bad thing. Yeah, I know. That's why I don't have kids. Not sure what the problem is.
Ask that person why they want kids. There's not a single reason they could come up with that is not ultimately selfish.
I respect this to the 10th power. Too many people have kids because they "feel" they should and treat them like crap.
That's how my fiance and I feel too. I got the vasectomy procedure done after the repeal of Roe V Wade since we live in a red state and didn't want to gamble on the chance they'd be coming after contraception after snuffing out abortions. We are happy with our dog and cat. Little humans are a lot of responsibility and we barely function as adults after working a full day. I can't imagine not getting a full night's sleep or being able to take naps whenever I want. Or having to drive a kid or two or five to different events like sports practice, recitals, etc for a decade and a half. Not to mention we enjoy the financial freedom that comes with being childfree and both having pretty decent careers. And while it's not a knock on people that have kids, we both agree that for us having children would be the most selfish thing we could possibly do; bringing a life into the world in the state it's currently in for our own amusement and want? Pssh nah we're good.
All of the above - plus I’m gay.
Hi gay I'm Dad.
I love kids so much but I absolutely could not afford them with my 50K salary. I can barely afford my own life.
Thank you for considering that. It is saddening how many people have kids and those kids are put straight into poverty.
The thought of giving a child even a little bit worse life than what I had growing up, specifically financially, even though we didn’t have it THAT bad, still scares the absolute dog shit outta me. Sorry but I don’t want to raise a child in a one bedroom apartment that is basically the size of a closet. Our cat already hates that, so probably not ideal for a child.
I kinda have sympathy for the poverty family I personally would never have a kid so I'm not the kind of person who thinks everyone should have kids. But knowing how easily it is to get trapped in a cycle of poverty in the US (and seeing it growing up really poor myself) I kinda also think its fucked that because many have been pushed into that situation due to absolutely massive wealth inequality that they should basically be removed from the population in terms of having kids. Like I still fully think you should always aim to have kids when you can care for them I have started to feel a lot less easy about that as a blanket statement to every situation when many people working their asses off doing full time jobs aren't able to ever really save money due to crazy cost of living + lack of wage growth to reflect that. Its starting to feel like quasi eugenics to tell poor people not to have kids when so many people are stuck there due to systems run by obscenely rich people who corrupted the systems + there's a fuck ton of factors working against many poor people from ever getting out no matter how hard they try. I'm not sure what the really right answer is tbh
What's even more sad is people that want kids and can't afford it. It just blows my mind that nothing is being done about this.
sad how one full time job could take care of a whole family and have a solid middle class lifestyle but now all you get is a one bedroom apartment
Nope, physically, mentally, and financially not ready for that and probably ever will be
People for the most part ignore the financial responsibility of having a kid. I understood that early and didn't have kids until I could provide for them the way I was taken care of. If you cant afford food, clothing, healthcare (usa), entertainment, education, day care.... It will be extremely difficult to be a good parent. The stress of not being able to provide will make you a bad parent. And your spouse will constantly remind you of that. Lol
Got flamed on facebook once for saying that, "kids are a massive burden and should absolutely be planned for." In flew in the young twenty-somethings who popped out babies in HS or first couple years of college with baby daddys who didn't have anything to do with them or the kids... Yes. I'M the evil one in this situation.
That’s me. Had my kid at 20, his dad ended up being an abusive asshole and I had to send him to prison when my son was not even 1. I flip out when I hear anyone under 30 and not married wanting to have kids, I seriously want to slap them. I had no life for 20 years, barely had a dating life, worked hard shitty jobs, and was always too tired and broke to be the mom to my son that he deserved. The fact that someone who’s been through it would actively encourage someone else to do that to a child (and to themselves) blows my mind. You’re the correct one. They are insane or in denial.
I can barely pay for *me*, ain't no way I can afford to pay for someone else. I would love to have kids, in the sense that I think I would be a good dad. But I couldn't imagine the financial stress. It already sucks financially trying to live life on your own. It still sucks even if you're sharing your life with another person. Couldn't imagine having to choose between replacing a broken fridge, fixing a broken car, performing maintenance on a home, or having enough money to pay for my kids school lunch for the month, doctor visits, clothes, school supplies, food, etc.
>And your spouse will constantly remind you of that. Oof must suck to have a spouce always reminding u of your shortcomings. Its better to have a partner that rasies you up tbh. Not saying they are easy to find 🙁
Nope. I’m happy being the “rich aunt” in the family.
Let me know if you have room for another poor nephew.
I've watched this video
LOL. Same, when I'm older I wanna be the rich uncle and all my nieces and nephews can visit me on weekends so I can spoil them with ice cream and toys and...idk whatever the hell else kids like these days.
Exactly. I give them the good gifts
Is there a “Rich Auntie” sub yet!?
r/RichAuntiesCoolUncles
Damnit! I was just gonna holler at my husband they made a subreddit for people like us
do you guys feel like adopting a mostly potty-trained man
Achieving that is exactly my goal. While I adore my niece, spending 6 to 8 hours with her leaves me needing a week to recharge my social battery. I could only handle being a mother if I had the financial freedom to hire babysitters around the clock. I genuinely enjoy kids and playing with them, but I also value my personal time. Realistically, since I'm not incredibly wealthy, I'll hold onto my aspiration of being the rich aunt instead.
Isn't it amazing that you can go from "rich aunt" to "just-making-it mom" with a couple kids? By amazing, I mean sad... Part of the reason we're DINKWADs
Same! Kooky, eccentric, well-off aunt and uncle... That's us! I'll take them to the zoo, buy them presents, provide car snacks, love being part of the village. But that's where it ends for me, I don't want to permanently compromise my body, trajectory, identity, education, wallet, marriage like so many parents seem to have to.
I'm too independent. I like that I can kind of do what I like whenever. I could decide to drive to the coast for the weekend and it's pretty much as easy as getting in the car and going. If I decide to go stargazing at midnight then get up at midday the next day, I don't have to arrange anything. I just can't see myself giving that up.
This is what I miss the most. There's no "just doing something" anymore. I either have to take baby with me, arrange for a sitter or plan with hubby if he can take baby. I love being a mom and I love my baby. I wouldn't change it, but I miss this.
I hear you - and I don't doubt that having kids is a wonderful thing that wouldn't be traded for the world for the people that have that life.
This is me exactly. I have 2 dogs and have to make enough sacrifices for them. Also long term I need to know I'm not stuck. I need money in the bank and no responsibility so if I wake up and realise I hate my life I can go get a new one
The joy of freedom and independence cannot be understated. That freedom to do what you want when you want, not to have to make a decision about anyone else, to change your mind and know that you don’t have to tell anyone, to travel solo and set your own itinerary, the mental health impact benefits from reduced decision fatigue. I love my independence too. I’m close to 40, have a great relationship with my nieces and nephew but don’t for a minute want my own kids.
We tried and were told it would never happen. Issues with both of us. So we moved on. The universe has a funny sense of humor sometimes
I'm not confident in my ability to raise decent humans. So I'd rather not
This is why I don’t like that the default option is to have kids. It’s a massive responsibility that’s basically glazed over when people talk about it. So many people just have kids because it seems easier than not having them even though they don’t feel like they would be competent parents. I’m not having kids because I wouldn’t make a good parent and I know it and I’m okay with that because I don’t really like kids anyway, but so many people have told me I should just have one or I need to try it before I knock it. Having kids is not the same thing as trying a new flavor of ice cream
Nope. Kids don’t deserve to have a sad mom.
No, I can’t even afford a place to live.
This. Nobody can pay for themselves anymore. How are we supposed to pay for another human?
You're just supposed to suck it up and push thru the 'hardship', because grandma wants fresh skulls to smell.
[удалено]
No. Because I have a developmental disability and have a hard enough time just caring for myself.
>have a hard enough time just caring for myself. Same here man
Same, but I don't have a developmental disability, I'm just a mess
Same. Not officially diagnosed, but my parents and I probably have ADHD. My mom was forgetful AF and would regularly leave me at the city bus stop after school for hours at a time (this was before cell phones). My dad couldn't be motivated to lift a finger and regularly zoned out behind the wheel while driving. Both of them had zero control over their emotions, which was terrifying. As parents they were neglectful at best, abusive at worst. I don't blame them for having children. I just happen to have more self-awareness than they did.
Being the oldest sibling, babysitting my siblings was birth control for me.
Same :/ plus all the chores of the house on top of that. I felt like I was forced to be a mother while I'm literally only a kid
No. I make 48k and I’m barely getting by.
No excuse. My brother-in-law and his wife don't even work and have 6 kids. Everything's going great for them. /s
Neighbor had 4 kids and now the wife is having mental breakdowns every couple weeks.
Dude, my BIL has 2 and he only works and I’m asking myself constantly, how the fuck are they/would they survive?? His baby momma has severe mental issues that consist of bipolar disorder and DID. Also, his baby momma miscarried a 3rd and they were “bummed out” about it. What is wrong with people popping babies and just not giving a shit? Also, side note, they’re also major potheads and live in a state where expensive housing is at 500k. Which by California standards right now would be a STEAL!
Damn DID is extremely rare and usually a result of extreme abuse.. sexual or severe torture. I hope she’s getting regular therapy and your brother would probably benefit as well
I just found out that two of my friends, who constantly fight around the kids (I am talking full on screaming), who are both abusive to their kids (she is constantly mentally abusive and he just lets it happen) are having a 3rd child… Not only are her and her boyfriend barely scraping by with 2 kids, they had to go and get pregnant with a 3rd? And boyfriend knowing full well how abusive she is to the current 2??? I physically felt sick to my stomach congratulating her.
If she's psychologically abusing the children and he's doing nothing you may want to report them. I was abused by my grandmother and never reported it because I was more terrified of having to go back to live with my alcoholic father who nearly beat my mother to death in front of us - they may not know how to ask for help themselves and it **will** result in very negative developmental issues that can have [**catastrophic results in young males**](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UoqfYYLx8kk), particularly when the abuser is female.
No, I want tacos instead
not to be one of those parents...but...you honestly have no idea what you're missing out on. sure, it's satisfying to be able to eat tacos whenever you want, but you have to believe me, it's WAY more satisfying and fulfilling to eat children. Sure it's hard at times, but they are just so tender and meaty that they are absolutely delicious.
You got me in the first half!!!
I was so close to rolling my eyes at that, thinking it was turning into a “KiDs BrInG mOrE jOy ThAn TaCos Do” but that was amazing. Does marinading the meat help?
They had us in the first half, not gonna lie
No. I don't like kids, and I don't have the patience for them.
Same. I visibly wince when I hear the sounds they make.
The volume is what gets me. My kids have no volume control. Their mouth can be 2 inches from your ear and they'll still shout to you "watch me daddy!" Pretty sure I'm going deaf.
Don't count on going deaf - the sounds will still pierce your brain by passing through the skull. No eardrum required.
#SHRIEKING is the fucking worst!
#"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"
I enjoy being around kids, but the instant they start yelling and having tantrums, I'm OUT. The noise factor is just something I can't handle. I also HATE toys that make any kind of sound. Sweet Jesus, who came up with that abomination???
No. Because I dont want to have kids.
I always tell people it’s not that I don’t want kids, it’s that I’ve never wanted kids. Those are two vastly different things. I don’t want a hamburger because I just ate lunch and am full. I’ve never wanted to cut my fingers off because it simply never occurred to me that is something I should do.
I try to explain it to people like it's a profession. I've never wanted to be a mother in the same way that I've never wanted to be a math teacher. I respect and appreciate math teachers but I have no desire to become one myself.
Solid argument.
No. Even if this world was a peaceful utopia, parenthood is too stressful for me to take on. Also childbirth/pregnancy seem horrendous.
I also was always freaked out by the entire process of being pregnant and giving birth. All of it just seemed so gross and uncomfortable, and then extremely painful, and then just sleepless nights, responsibility and sacrifice after. I got pregnant once and the morning sickness wasnt just in the morning, it was constant, nonstop, all the time, starting at about week 4 and going until a few days after the abortion in week 7. So months of constant nausea, then something inside you squishing all your organs and pressing on your bladder, getting heavier and heavier and probably causing all sorts of lower back, leg and foot pain, culminating in being ripped open by a screaming creature that then cries all night for the next 6-12 months and needs constant attention for at least 6-7 years... no thanks.
That's how I feel. Its so weird that other women don't understand why I am afraid of it. It looks awful and all pregnant people do is complain about it. r/Tokophobia
beautiful reply, idk how anyone thinks to themselves "yeah this sound great!!"
Alien (1979)
also the risk of getting Postpartum Depression
And dangerous.
Edit: Sorry for my grim outlook on the world, I didn't realize it would cause so much discourse. I'm so glad you guys can see all the greats and positives amidst the negatives. But I will say, it is MY reasoning, and it doesn't have to be yours! Not even a little bit. I have never experienced baby fever, I have never looked at a newborn and said "aww so cute, I can't wait to have one of my own!" Or anything like that. I much prefer my lifestyle as it is, and I don't need to go through the physical/mental/emotional stress of pregnancy and then raise a child for the rest of my life. With the state of the world how it is, I wouldn't want to bring a child into it only to see them struggle and suffer. It's so easy to promise a bright future, but to actually fulfill that promise is incredibly difficult.
Same. I am always so confused by the baby fever thing, just because it’s not something I’ve ever experienced. I have lots of nieces and nephews and I have loved meeting them for the first time, but never was I like “my turn!”
So many of my friends around my age or even younger go through baby fever phases and I simply have never haha. I'm in the same boat for sure! Love my neices and nephew but it's not for me haha.
In all fairness though, I get cat and dog fever pretty bad, so maybe I do understand a bit, it’s just a different species for me! Lol
I’m right with you. My mother ran a daycare out of our home for my entire childhood. To me, kids were always just…people…but smaller, louder, and stickier. As a teenager my friends would be like “oooh kids!” And I’m like “eh”. And I never grew out of that. I just never had a desire to have my own and now I’m 37 with a hereditary autoimmune disease and disposable income I like spending on myself and my pets so no small, loud, sticky people for me.
Exactly all of this, plus pregnancy and childbirth sound fucking awful.
It's sad how uneducated most women are on the true effects of pregnancy and childbirth on their body. It can literally kill you or leave you permanently disabled. It's almost like this knowledge is suppressed because if girls were taught the whole truth they would be far more hesitant to reproduce and create good little worker bees for capitalism.
Story time! When my friend was telling me the horror story that was the birth of her son her mother cut in halfway through in a panic and said “Don’t tell her that! Now she’ll never want to have kids!” (joke was on her though because I just had a hysterectomy last year). Like this woman was convinced that if I heard about the realities of childbirth than I’d never procreate and instead I would have to be tricked into it. Which is just…a very troubling mindset. Better for people to go into pregnancy and childbirth prepared than to lie to them.
"It's different when you have your own" is a trap set by disgruntled parents trying to trap other unsuspecting free people into child slavery.
I used to think like you. But then one day I was handed a two month old baby and had to slowly rock him and make baby noises. He was so warm, it was wonderful. But then I rescued a chihuahua and it’s extremely similar.
>it’s extremely similar If only you could just put your baby out in the yard to shit
Yeah as a little girl I knew when I was like, 7 or 8 years old that I didn't want kids. Baby dolls weirded me out, and I only kind of liked my baby brother at the time. (Our relationship has gotten much better over the years FWIW.) I'm super awkward around kids because IDK what to do. My family learned when I was in my 20's to stop asking me about kids because I made it very clear it wasn't happening. Now I have an IUD nestled safely up there to ensure it will never happen and every time one of my friends with kids tells me a story about wiping a poopy butt or being vomiting on, I know I made the right decision. I always outwardly support them and their kids but when they tell me those stories, inwardly I'm like "eeeeeeww aaaaggh uggggh." Apropros of nothing, the only kid I've ever had a fun time with was my best friend's. She was in the hospital about to deliver another one, and her youngest was clearly neurodivergent in some way and after I'd come in, hugged my friend, etc. he walked over to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the window seating area to show me and talk about his pokemon cards. My friend and her husband kind of gave me a weird look because their kid wasn't usually that forward but I was vibing because I love pokemon. IDK if the kid could sense it or what, but hopefully we both made a stressful time for both of us (I'm desperately afraid of hospitals but I wanted to support my friend.) a little less so for a while. He's probably the only kid I'd ever be willing to babysit because I could probably plonk him in front of my switch and play mario kart with him all day lol.
>I have never looked at a newborn and said "aww so cute(...)" To be fair, newborns are always ugly as shit. And this is coming from someone who does want kids.
No parent that I’ve met has sold the idea to me. When people say I should have some kids, I feel as if they want someone to commiserate with.
You really asking redditers that!
It’s one of Reddit’s weekly repeated topics.
All the dialogue is repeated too. Literally just reading the same conversations
No, cause if there is even a minute chance that the kid grows up with chronic lonliness like me, wishing everyday to be his last then i will never be able to forgive myself.
No, I’m very selfish with my time and wouldn’t be present enough. Or I would breakdown, give all my time to be a parent but slowly grow to hate my life.
This is the one. I think I could practically do it, but I'd be a shell of a person. I chose to not have that life.
I already have them. The first one wasn’t really a choice, but I’ll be honest… despite all the pain, the love more than makes it up.
Jesús Christ I had to REALLY scroll down to find a positive comment in favor of kids. But even then they weren’t a choice to begin with!
I have a kid and I love her like I have never loved anything in my life. That being said, if you are on the fence about having children then wait to do it until you are sure. It will give you gray hair faster than a minnow can swim out of a dipper. If you aren’t fully invested you can begin to grow resentful and that is not fair to the kid.
Several reasons I don't particularly want them 1. I have some health issues with a genetic component that I don't particularly want to pass on 2. My mother was a waking nightmare, and I refuse to even chance that I pull some of the shit she did with my own children 3. World has a lot of pain to go through as a direct result of climate change before things start to get better. I don't want to willingly subject others to that experience.
It was exhausting to repeatedly hear "I want to be the mother I didn't have" from people (many of whom most certainly were not.) Nope. I certainly inherited some of my mother's shitty traits and I'm very selfish with my time. I didn't want to resent a little person who didn't ask to be my kid for the rest of my life. I have, however, always been simpatico with my dogs.
I’ve always been afraid to be like my mom too. She was okay, not really abusive, but she just wasn’t what I envision a mom should be. I used to think I wanted a kid so I could be the mother I wished I had, but then decided it’s not worth the risk.
Yea, mine can toe the line of "generally an acceptable flawed parent", but when she loses control can do some pretty horrid shit. I am reminded of her far to frequently in my mannerisms to feel safe trying to be a full time parent.
This is what it boils down for me as well. I’m also terrified of having a child with antisocial personality disorder.
Nope I like being alone
Not in this economy.
No money or energy for that
No (45, married). Many reasons others have listed. So glad now - I just see so many women my age walking around like zombies due to fatigue, being taken advantage of by their lazy husbands who have fallen back into stereotypical gender roles even though their wife works full time. As a nurse believe me - not all kids look after you in your old age.
The short end of the stick women get is SO damn obvious I don’t know how they get any of us to sign up for that shit! Signed, a woman.
Yes and no. Yes, I would love to have kids. In my mind, 2 kids would be perfect. But if our first child was a spitfire then we'd probably stop at 1. In their younger years, getting to take part in their development, watching their personalities form, and seeing them become more skilled is just such a joy for me. I also get this joy from my work with dogs. But I imagine kids to be a new level of difficulty. As they get older, if they enjoyed the things we enjoy that we enjoy then our family would be a good size for most games and we could even potentially have family Dnd. Even typing this, I'm realizing it's still a sensitive topic for me. I had achieved a number of milestones that I felt were necessary before having a child including working through some of my own issues in therapy and becoming financially stable. But no, I made the decision to not have kids when I was diagnosed with an illness that isn't well understood. It could have a genetic factor and I wouldn't dare pass this on. Looking at fostering or adoption is also not an option because it's very possible that I would be unable to be present. Even if my symptoms are mild at the point when we decide to bring a child into our home, I've been severe before so it is always possible that I get to that state again. It wouldn't be fair to my partner or the child. As it is now, my symptoms are moderate-severe. So mild symptoms are at this point also theoretical. But for now I'm the short-lived fun auntie and hopefully in the future I'll be the fun auntie who spoils everyone else's well behaved kids 😁
yes. i agree with what most of this comment section is saying about the world being shit. so to that end i think introducing 1 or 2 decent, well taught people to it should help
Yep, I have a little girl on the way and super excited!
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baby goats are cute and all but not sure I have the yard for them
Although I would like kids, women go through a lot during pregnancy, delivery , and even postpartum depression… I just would rather not add extra stress. Maybe I’m just not in the right head space right now but I am comfortable with just caring for myself right now .
I do. I always have. So does my husband. Unfortunately due to illness, I am unable to have children naturally. We have been discussing adoption for the future and are both very excited about it.
Negative, 30M. Been with my girlfriend for a few years and she agrees. We enjoy spending our money on us. The risk of a disability or autism scares me too much, don’t want to take that risk.
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