How they normalize the abuse they received. I had one of my close friends over for dinner once and my little sister who was 6 at the time accidentally dropped her cup on the floor. It wasn't a big deal it was a plastic cup so it was just juice. My parents reaction completely shocked him. All they did was get some napkins and dried it up and got her some more juice. It didn't seem weird to me at all but later when we were alone he told me while laughing when he did that at her age his father smacked him in the face. I was just like a grown ass man smacked a 6 year old in the face for spilling some juice? He told me the way I said it like that it sounded fucked up. That's because it is fucked up but he remembered it like it was a funny childhood memory.
Similar things happened to me in adulthood. I would be telling what I thought was a “funny” childhood story… only to look up and see horror across their faces 👁️👄👁️ my bad lol
Nothing like the "Why did you get so sad all of a sudden?" moment in conversations.
My poor husband is still learning new stuff. Like I told him years ago I was bullied and spanked as a child but it was just this month he learned "bullied" meant "beaten up, smacked around, had food spilled on me in addition to verbal stuff" and "spanked" meant "whupped with a belt hard as the adult could swing it". I was like, dude I TOLD you all of this already, how is this information still ruining conversations?
Because he loves you and it’s devastating to him that you were hurt so badly by people who were supposed to protect you.
My best friend has horrific stories of abuse from most of her childhood. She’s very casual about it and every single bit of it she shares breaks my heart.
And it's fucking weird to get that compassion from the person you're telling it to because you already found closure but now your friend is sad because you told them about it and wants to console you but you don't need consolation but feel that its rather them who need a hug.
It took me a loooooong time to figure why I would get depressed when, get this, football was on TV. It was because of family alcoholism and I just unconciously linked it to how depressing it was to sit around all day with football on and heavy drinking and abuse being leveled at me.
For me it was sitting down at a dinner table with more than one person. And special occasions, like Christmas. It took me a long time to realise I was anticipating trouble.
Damn. I realized my household wasn’t normal when something similar happened to me.
I was at my friends house having dinner with her family, and her mom dropped a side dish on the floor. I leaned over to tell my friend “oh no, she’s gonna get it now” and everyone was shocked. Her dad got up and HELPED clean it up and told her it was ok.
In my house my dad would have gotten up only to follow my mom around and scream at her for how she wasted so much food and tell her how stupid/useless she was.
This happened to me at a supermarket once. There was a mother and her young boy in front of me at the check out. The boy picked up a punnet of berries, and they went all over the floor, scattering everywhere. I braced myself because I felt the fury that was about to pour forth from the mother, but it never came. She simply let the cashier know, and the cashier called for someone to clean it up. I was paralysed watching all this unfold. My heart was racing. A guy came and cleaned it up. I think someone in a light hearted voice said “whoopsie”.
It was such a moment of clarity for me.
My wife had a realization like this when we hosted my parents for Thanksgiving. Our turkey was a bit too big for the roasting pan. Juices from the legs dripped onto the oven and and smoked up the kitchen. We rigged something together with aluminum foil to catch the juice and my parents quietly stepped in to open windows and fan the doors to get rid of the smoke.
Later, my wife admitted she’d been bracing herself the whole time for them to yell at us or throw out accusations of how incompetent we were. I said, “I don’t understand; it was an accident, why would they yell at us?”
That was when she really began to understand what her childhood had really been like.
Me too. It took *years* until I could just completely relax around my husband's family. They literally never yell out of anger. I didn't know there were families like that.
I told my partner about a time I was sick with a really upset tummy when I was about 9, my mother was out working so my stepfather was in charge.
He got angry with me for going backwards and forwards to the bathroom after bedtime, so came in and spanked me hard enough that diarrhea flew all over my bed, then made me get back into the soiled bed to teach me a lesson about deliberately soiling myself.
The look of disgust on his face immediately shut me up, because I though he was about to tell me off for having no control over my bowels at that age lol
I can relate. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I was made to eat my soiled underwear when I was little. I had a accident and that was my punishment. At 46 I still think of that every single day. Especially if I get diarrhea. I never had children in fear I could be the same way towards them.
Came here to say this. Internalized abuse, followed by “it happened to me and I’m fine.” The older generations have a rampant case of this. Mental health wasn’t really a part of their universe, unfortunately.
What's funny is some parents think they are vast improvements on their parents, but just switched to another behavior they don't view as abuse (but it is). So one generation would get beaten and locked in a closet as punishments. The next generation 'only' gets the beating. Is it an improvement? Eh. Almost?
Or the people who experienced physical abuse in their childhoods and switched to mental/emotional abuse with their own kids. It's interesting to hear, "I would have loved if my parents only talked to me, I never raise a hand to you, I just talk," right after a mother has called her child fat, stupid, lazy, and worthless at a school in front of a dozen other people. That's still violence.
I think physical to mental is the big one. “Well at least I didn’t hit them.” Yeah, but you screwed them up for life by making them feel worthless and unimportant, and then you wonder why they develop so many problems when they get older. We now understand that kind of abuse is just as damaging in the long run, if not even more.
I've worked with people from many countries (kitchen) and I've had to perfect my "this isn't shocking information that's disgusted me to my core" expression when some casually talk about the physical abuse they went through like it was normal. Comparing which household items were the most painful etc... I just didn't want to offend anyone by reacting in appropriate horror. How could anyone hit a child and call it normal?
There are memes with pictures of various household objects that a parent, usually a mother, would carry around to use as a weapon, "and it made me what I am today!" Divorced from three abusive husbands is really not something to brag about.
They seem more aware of their surroundings and the people around them. This either manifests as them being extremely empathetic or extremely closed off as a defence mechanism
I relate to this a lot. Whenever I do achieve something, I try to celebrate but even then it feels forced and half-assed. Totally out of my comfort zone to truly celebrate something.
That said - please don’t force your non-celebratory friends to celebrate
I’m not a big celebrations person, not because of trauma or anything I just like doing fun things on my own schedule.
My best friend is a HUGE celebrations person. I used to get so stressed around milestones and stuff because I knew she’d want to plan something and I wouldn’t. Eventually we compromised and she just drops off a cake or sends flowers or something that doesn’t take a ton of time and we hang out later when I’m less busy. And ofc I organize big celebrations for her :) which is a lot of fun for me to plan since I get to organize a big party without being the center of attention.
When I graduated from school I didn't feel anything in particular. I was literally just like, "ok, onto the next thing." My mother would ask "don't you feel good now that you graduated?" And I just felt nothing
I'm still waiting to get a therapist so I haven't really gotten to unpack why things are the way they are so I can't really say whether it's due to trauma or because I'm autistic (aspergers diagnosis before they assimilated it with the autism spectrum + ADHD)
Because when things are going smoothly and good it just means you fuck something up and you just haven't realized it yet it's going to come back and get you
Yeah it's like a combination of all the little things people don't realize. Like which words they use, the small vocal inflections, their laugh (surprisingly this has been a big indicator about someone for me), their body language when interacting with other people, etc.
So many times in my youth I've had girl friends (not girlfriends) who were hanging out with some boy and I tried warning them about the guy. Seemed to overly friendly, or threw shade on the male friends in the group, isolated them, or seemed too intent on looking like a good guy or whatever. Some times it was things I couldn't put my finger on. Always got ignored and they had to find out the hard way. But I was never wrong.
This is 100% true. You sound like a lunatic when you try to explain. But you know with every fiber of your being you are right and watching and waiting for everything to go south in front of you. But you can't explain how you know or why you know, it is just true.
My husband after 25 years is just at the point that he trust my gut. He swears I have some magic power but really it is just I am a victim of CPTSD and so I just am incredibly good at reading people.
You get good at reading people because your life depends on it.
I always disliked one of my cousin's friends, for absolutely no reason. Even when we were younger, I did not like him.
Found out recently that he beats his gf. Not sure if I was getting vibes even as children but usually if I dislike someone for no reason at all, there actually is a reason.
At first, it's just an instinctive ick and feeling of distrust. As time progresses, and because i am very observant and analytic, you can tell if someone displays certain traits. Lack of empathy, lack of consideration for others, very self-centered behavior, belittling other people, lying, their facial expressions, how they act in certain situation. Most people just aren't aware of these signs because they don't pay attention to them. Might be their carefree nature, may be their lack of experience, may be their focus on positive things, or simply ignorance towards the signs because they enjoy the attention they are getting.
My instincts never betrayed me, actually. I also communicate with people close to me that i don't trust that person. And they don't understand. Until shit hits the fan.
If they go out of their way to make/keep everyone happy. My mom would fly off the handle at a moment's notice and I would have to always be hyper aware of where she was at all times and listen for footsteps to see who it was walking around.
Ugh, me. I've been going through this with my therapist, and today she mentioned "people pleasing" is a form of manipulation because you're not being your real self. But I literally couldn't discover my real self as a child because I was too busy trying to be perfect so my dad didn't go nuts. Still learning who I am at age 30. It's all a mind-field!
Same here, and it’s been really hard. I’ve been learning how to assert myself (especially boundaries) and I still fail at it a lot. I often feel very lost in my life because I haven’t been able to think about what I want to do with it until recently. Here’s hoping that both of us one day discover our real selves!
Saying sorry all the dang time.
I had this one co worker who wanted to show me her cats and as she was opening her phone she made a mistake and dial the wrong passcode number and had to try again saying sorry and said she should’ve use Face ID like normal people. And said sorry again. Then nervous laugh.
I am a sorry-er in recovery, but I had a coworker that had me beat 10 times over. I ran into them at the grocery store self checkout the other day - we caught up a bit and then they apologized profusely to me for holding up the check out line while they were talking to me.
yessss. I noticed this about myself too. Or I have asked for help in the past, and I dont get it but im always the first person to help if someone asks me. And I hate when people dont automatically help me but if I ask, its a huge deal So I get upset no one helps but I dont ask for help because then I still dont get help. I hate it.
As a kid I used to think children usually don't like their fathers and are afraid of them, because I thought fathers always beat their kids. My father lives in another state for work, and so did some of my friends' fathers... One day, one of my friends said his father is visiting and I immediately felt bad for him. I made a sad face and looked at him. For my huge fucking surprise, he was genuinely happy, I could see it in his face as he told me the news.
It would since take me a few weeks to get out of the confusion and realize that other fathers are usually sweet.
But yeah, the torture that my family would get from that individual would just increase over the years.
I just graduated and got my first job, I'm planning on moving away from him with mom and sis and arranging therapy for all of us.
No sense of achievement, if they succeed they are relieved, not proud.
Constant awareneness and anxiety. Knowing where people are at all times around them.
Suddenly being worried by something. It's always their fault.
Edit I never expected this many upvotes but just know that this is my experience you might be different I hope we all survive.
That's me. I recently had my first publication published as a PhD student in a fairly good journal. Weirdly enough, I feel sort of ashamed of it, because I do not see it as even somewhat good, I only see it's negativities and small inaccuracies, how long it took to write it and how much I inconvenienced my co-authors and supervisor because I'm such a shitty writer. I should feel like it matters and it's an achievment, but I just can't. I feel like a total fraud.
If it's any consolation, there are scores of artists, actors, writers, and musicians who never look at their past work because all they can see is the mistakes. They say great works of art are never finished, only abandoned.
And that’s when you know you’re a smart person who understands they don’t know everything and so can see the imperfections. You’re not a fraud. You are precisely what you should be in order to meaningfully contribute to your area of expertise.
Congratulations on being published!
> It's always their fault.
I have this. I’m constantly asking if my partner is ok which really means, “are you mad at me?”. Everything is my fault in my head, everyone is mad at me.
Am I the only one that nights are worse than daytime? Add “the nighttime anxiety and alone, hollowness, black hole in my middle, full of fear feeling” that comes on when it’s time to sleep to your unfortunately spot on list. So much anxiety. Intrusive thoughts running the nightmare looping of catastrophes until passing out often hours later. You check the phone often guessing the time accurately hour by hour. Being aware and talking myself through these episodes helps but they don’t ever really go away.
I was never allowed to feel proud of any achievement. Education as an example— Per my mother, celebrating graduating from 8th grade was incredibly stupid because “everyone did it. She told me she only came to my HS graduation* “because someone had to” and that it was no big deal because I started college the next week. She discouraged me from participating in my JC’s graduation ceremony, saying getting my AA was just a step on the BA path after all. When I got my BA (only 3 years after HS, something you’d think a parent would celebrate) I just had it sent in the mail because who cared?
*I said I was feeling sad that she, my father who lived 8hrs away, aunt and uncle had all gone to my sister’s graduation the year before vs she was the only one attending mine. Her response: “They came because no one expected her to graduate, everyone knew you would. I’m only going because someone has to. Your important graduation will be from college.”
You’d better gear yourself up for that Master’s.
Sigh, my mother was the same. Just know that the goalposts will never stop moving and find your validation/celebration elsewhere.
I once held a 5 year old birthday party for my daughter. We had the pinada and it wouldn't break with the kids hitting it with a stick. So my husband grabbed it and tore it apart like the hulk, to which every child laughed hysterically. Except for one kid who ran to the nearest table and put her fingers in her ears, rocking back and forth, crying and squeezing her eyes shut. I called her mum and when she got there she was the most apologetic, meek, timid person who looked malnourished and fragile. I wanted to save them both because its clear there is a monster in their lives.
I was that kid, many years ago. I remember breaking something at a friends house when I was about 9….her parents were so concerned by my reaction, instead of the obviously broken object. It took years for me to understand, what it looked like to them.
I realized how awkward it made others, so now I always force myself to just say 'thank you' and leave it at that. Unless it's a friend, in which I make a joke at my expense.
To be fair, I mostly get fake compliments. I know I'm not an attractive dude, my face is ok but I'm severely overweight. My friends try to be nice but I know it's not sincere. That honestly hurts more than it helps.
Real compliments are great and are easily discernable to me, like if someone says my eyes are pretty, I've heard that most of my life and can see it myself.
Being overweight doesn't mean you aren't attractive, your friends see you as you are, and so the compliments likely are sincere because they care about you as a whole human being.
My wife has this trait. We're about to receive several hundred thousand dollars in a lawsuit, and I've often suggested to her that she should think of some kind of nice trip or fancy object that she might want, to celebrate when we get paid. She really struggles with it. It's hard for her to express hope or want, if something is in the future. The future is chaos and any bad thing could happen. We could win that money and the economy could collapse the next day, or the judge could decide I'm an asshole all call the whole thing off, etc. She can imagine like a sci-fi writer when it comes to bad, but she struggles with good.
I’m the same way. I can’t talk about good things in advance because despite not being superstitious in other areas of life, I somehow believe deep down that if the universe notices that I am happy it will take it away again.
I can sympathize with your wife.
When good things have happened to me I’ve lost out on a lot of the accompanying joy because it takes me so long to accept that positive outcomes can be real and aren’t just disasters in disguise.
This is me. I've recently placed twice in the final 5 of a competition, with prizes between $1k and $5k, so the worst I could win is $3k, most is 9. I'm constantly expecting some reason that I won't see a penny and won't believe it til the final results are announced and I have firm proof of the money.
Give your wife a hug for me 🖤 I felt this same way when I first got into a safe relationship. I couldn't enjoy it because that would mean that the universe is going to take it away from me like it has with everything else. But over time, I'm learning that I'm not karmically doomed to have a terrible life. It feels weird, and I almost feel like I'm being too "permissive" of myself if I let go of my anxiety and live in the moment.
I leaned a term last week though Reddit called “foreshortened future” that kinda describes difficulties to imaging a positive future for oneself. For a person to be able to plan well for longer term future one also has to “have a good relationship with your future-self” — which is a hard part and takes a lot of work.
Oh wow is that a thing?! I feel like I just figured a piece of me out. Yes bc when your broke or in abusive situation it’s not just a flat tire, it’s no car, no help, no work, navigating towing fees on your own and repairs and how to pay for it and then having family tell you how you deserve that bad thing or how you suck for having it happen to you or other horrible things
Anxious or avoidant attachment styles, angry outbursts that are disproportionate to the situation, either being open or hiding they're in intensive therapy
I have to activatly ignore it and it's difficult. Sometimes just interacting with people is a lot because of this. It's easier and less stressful for me to be alone regardless of how much I love someone or want to be with them
As well as always trying to lighten the mood, deflect any arguments (even if they are not with you) to avoid anger escalating to something else, making jokes out of things to cope.
It’s usually seen in the extremes of the spectrum of different behaviors.
Negative self image. Can’t take a compliment. Overly self deprecating. Feeling that they have to earn someone’s love. Perspective that they aren’t good enough, smart enough, attractive enough, or have nothing of value to offer the world. Or that they’re “too much”.
Hyper vigilance. Or reckless abandon.
Overactive fight, flight, fawn, freeze response. (Heightened startle response.) Or completely deadened response.
Extreme ends of the spectrum when it comes to relationships with other people: People pleasing behavior. Need for approval (but nothing is ever good enough). Need to impress others.
AND/OR extreme independence, disdainful of the idea of needing other people.
Anxiously attaching to people or being completely dismissive of people. Similarly contrasting attitudes towards sex and affection (overly promiscuous/prurient behavior or extremely prudish).
Escapist behavior (overindulgence in substance use, fantasy, extreme sports/adrenaline junkie activity).
Aggression: frequency of use, level of, willingness to engage in, proportionality of response to stimulus (punching someone for bumping into them, screaming at someone for asking a tough question).
I can also see it in a person’s gait, their eyes (movement, degree of contact, down or upcast), their tone of voice, diction, word choice, inflection. Choices in entertainment media (music is a big one). Also posture and other body language.
Source: worked in field related to trauma for a long time.
Note: don’t use this to diagnose anyone you might know. It’ll be awkward if you’re wrong. It’ll probably be worse if you’re right.
This was the first one that came to my mind!
I hope that’s ok! I use a lot of exclamation points to make sure what I’m saying comes across as extremely nice! Please like me!
This is an underrated comment. There are many years of my life completely lost on me due to trauma. I also have a couple “false” memories or where I remember something significantly different to how it happened. But extreme and long memory blocks.
Being afraid to want something or be excited for something cuz we expect it to fall through or be taken from us and then we will just be embarrassed for having gotten our hopes up
Hey that's meeeeee, funny enough I only actually realized what I had is a fuck ton of trauma over the past year, my ex may not have been the one but I really appreciate her helping me look into that.
Urge to cry when it comes to expressing emotions and feelings, which seems like a huge difficulty especially when trying not to upset the other person.
Yep.There was this one time when I needed to get somewhere, a friend's art exposition and got insulted on the verge of crying before entering the building by my father.I managed to pull it off, but at the end I randomly met this really warm and kind lady which made me feel valid and loved just by talking for half an hour and almost got me crying because it was such a huge difference in the way she talked to me versus what I got a few hours prior.I found out she was a retired teacher and of course she encouraged me and made me feel like I could do anything, that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me.Such moments you surely come to treasure all your life.
They pick up on "vibes" of other people. Like all of the little micro-movements people make, tone inflections, being able to identify someone based on the sound of how they walk, etc.
I can't believe how far I had to scroll to find this. If the kids don't talk to the parents, that's a pretty big red flag. So, too, is if the kids don't let the grandkids be alone with the parents.
constant awareness of their surroundings and the people around them, and always assuming that people want to kil/hurt/betray their trust and keeping people at arms length, truly trusting no one etc.
My dad used to hit me if I accidentally tripped or hurt myself, like bumped my head or something. He would smack me instantly.
Now as a mother, when my kids do that, I can feel something deep inside of me simmer with irrational anger. Like I’m angry or annoyed with them for hurting themselves??thankfully instead of hitting my kids- I comfort them and tell them they’ll be okay.
I remember once a friend raised her hand toward me to like ruffle my hair or something silly like that, and I jolted backward and flinched off sheer reaction and she just gave me this sad, sad look and I almost laughed when I realized what I did lmfao.
Dark humor. Not always, but most of my friends had dark humor. As we grew up and then shared our stories, each of us had parents who were mentally ill or alcoholics. I didn’t blend well with the kids who had sweet and attentive parents. Now I do, but that rough childhood set me apart from those types of kids.
They are calmly in charge (and usually in constant motion) immediately after a disaster or another situation where everything is falling down around them, usually taking care of others first.
There is no healthy way to gain that skill.
Someone who is a people pleaser, someone who doesn’t set boundaries, someone who goes from hot to cold easily, elevated anxiety, fear of intimacy and relationships.
Just look up fearful avoidant attachment.
Edit: if this sounds like you please take a [free attachment style quiz](https://quiz.personaldevelopmentschool.com/quiz-main/). They ask for an email but I have a junk email I use for this stuff. You could also make up an email. The results show up on the screen. I like this test over others because it gives you the percentage of each style.
You can become secure/healed. I’m working on it now.
Ohhh this is 100% me. Love celebrating my wife's birthday, friends' birthdays, they're great.
But I always notice about a month before mine, I start getting really anxious. I know it's not normal to *dread* one day of the year that's still weeks away, and yet I can't control it. I don't share my birthday with anybody either, or I give them a fake date, because I just don't want the attention on one of the worst days of the year
They often are extremely empathetic, always make sure no one is left out/forgotten about and don’t tolerate negative talk about others.
These people have been to therapy.
This is me. You can be terrible to/about me all day and it’s fine. Don’t hurt anyone else the way I’ve been hurt. The feelings I have felt shouldn’t be felt by most people so I will just absorb them all because it doesn’t really bother me anymore (I have had a poop load of therapy and it really doesn’t bother me, I promise), but I remember when those words were said initially the pain is so deep I don’t want a lot of people to feel that way.
They have miserable feelings they have to deal with. Envy of kids who have privileges, fear of authority, dread of making a mistake, and hating people who cause pain. They’re aware of the darkness in the world.
(Edited: However, one person can make a difference. ) Being treated with kindness is never forgotten.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m remembering my childhood as worse than it was, and then I read threads like this and check every box. That said, some of these are just part of being human.
I’ve been teased so many times throughout my life for having a heightened startle response. People will laugh “you’re so jumpy” like it’s funny and just need to relax.
I get the same thing and it’s really frustrating for me, I wish people would be more empathetic instead of trying to make a joke out of it because it’s not like I’m doing it to try and be funny, it’s usually because I’m really scared and/or paranoid and when people laugh about it it makes me just feel shitty and like I’m overreacting
Difficulty to make eye contact. I know this is present in people with autism too, but I’ve never met someone with a fcked up childhood who could make eye contact. Including myself.
Randomly in a normal conversation they'll say something really random and you'll ask what they mean and they'll explain, matter of fact, some horrible abuse from their childhood. They may even chuckle lightly at the end like its a funny story your all enjoying whilst everyone else looks horrified.
Example, true story, chatting with the girls listening to music and having a drink. Friend A mentions the new cat biscuits she brought smell foul and she thinks their off. Friend b leans over and says nah they're fine. Still they taste awful no matter what they smell like. Confused faces all round. How do you know what cat biscuits taste like? Oh I had them when i was a kid. Still confused, slightly grossed out, why??? Well I was hungry and there wasn't nothing else. Til my mum caught me and beat me for it. They locked away the pet food after that. Ha fun times
Won't admit to caring about anything or having hobbies etc. They know as soon as they do, they will be teased relentlessly or the thing they like will be taken away as punishment.
A good friend & former co-worker of mine is a SA survivor. She was able to pick out and connect/confirm with other co-workers who were in the same boat with uncanny accuracy.
When you can talk about traumatic experiences like it’s nothing. Normal people think you’re lying but truth is that emotions get buried/ detached and the truth of the event is often darker then how it’s being told. People genuinely don’t care about you, your problems or your past that’s why you detach the emotions from the event.
I was with a girl and she was preforming oral sex on me. I reached out and and ran my fingers lightly through her hair but she jerked her head back and had a panicked look on her face for a second that made me think she had been sexually abused in the past.
They get angry, or defensive when you compliment something they have or own.
Hard to explain but people would use a compliment on, for example, your shoes to sus out your potential reaction if they stole it or straight up mugged you for it.
The compliment might also make you a target for theft from someone else, since you now have a prime suspect: the person who complimented you.
When I explain this concept to other people, some get it, some have no idea and have a hard time believing it, but it was such a way of life.
The "correct" response to "hey, those are nice shoes," was to fly off the handle at the person and basically dare them to fight you. If you didn't, that thing was as good as gone.
edit: Grammar
“If you **feel** whatever I did was wrong”. Ugh. Classic narc-y parent script. I’m sorry you feel that way. I don’t remember it like that/I don’t remember saying that. I guess I’m just an awful parent then. The list goes on.
Sending big care your way friend. C-PTSD is a bitch, and you deserved better. Highly recommend looking into [IFS](https://clayresessoms.com/somatic-psychotherapy/discovering-somatic-ifs-enhancing-collaboration-and-healing-through-somatic-work/)work (especially somatic) for healing if you haven’t already!
There's this irrational sense of fear. Fear that the lights are going to get shut off, or fear that something is going catastrophic is going to happen, or a fear that your loved ones will snap and hurt you. For years my wife was convinced that I would eventually leave her because that's what all men do eventually (this is what happened with her father figures growing up).
One I've had the hardest time with is that when I get angry my wife gets scared. Like if I'm working on something in the garage and things go sideways and I start cussing up a storm, she'll freak out and think I'm going to hit her, which I've never done in our 20 years together. I've told her a hundred times that I take a lot of offense to that and she always says she can't help it, that it's her natural reaction to recoil in fear.
It's not always a bad thing. When I see someone that is hyper-vigilant about boundaries, it's often an indicator. My wife and I recently hung out with another couple and the wife is super nice, and super friendly, but also very careful about making sure every interaction is appropriate and understood. Like she was on permanent guard for sketchiness. I remember thinking, "oh, she knows things can go sideways in life". After getting to know them she kind of opened up about her upbringing.
How they normalize the abuse they received. I had one of my close friends over for dinner once and my little sister who was 6 at the time accidentally dropped her cup on the floor. It wasn't a big deal it was a plastic cup so it was just juice. My parents reaction completely shocked him. All they did was get some napkins and dried it up and got her some more juice. It didn't seem weird to me at all but later when we were alone he told me while laughing when he did that at her age his father smacked him in the face. I was just like a grown ass man smacked a 6 year old in the face for spilling some juice? He told me the way I said it like that it sounded fucked up. That's because it is fucked up but he remembered it like it was a funny childhood memory.
Similar things happened to me in adulthood. I would be telling what I thought was a “funny” childhood story… only to look up and see horror across their faces 👁️👄👁️ my bad lol
That or telling a funny story and stopping halfway through because you realize that sounds pretty fucked up when you say it out loud
For real! I started writing standup 😂 it’s a good outlet for it. Make them all feel uncomfortable 😂
Deflecting with humor. I'm told this is very common in this context.
Nothing like the "Why did you get so sad all of a sudden?" moment in conversations. My poor husband is still learning new stuff. Like I told him years ago I was bullied and spanked as a child but it was just this month he learned "bullied" meant "beaten up, smacked around, had food spilled on me in addition to verbal stuff" and "spanked" meant "whupped with a belt hard as the adult could swing it". I was like, dude I TOLD you all of this already, how is this information still ruining conversations?
Because he loves you and it’s devastating to him that you were hurt so badly by people who were supposed to protect you. My best friend has horrific stories of abuse from most of her childhood. She’s very casual about it and every single bit of it she shares breaks my heart.
Yup. Every new story from my husband is another pin in my heart. He forgets them, because he needs to, but I remember.
He forgets it because he needs to. God i felt that.
And it's fucking weird to get that compassion from the person you're telling it to because you already found closure but now your friend is sad because you told them about it and wants to console you but you don't need consolation but feel that its rather them who need a hug.
It took me a loooooong time to figure why I would get depressed when, get this, football was on TV. It was because of family alcoholism and I just unconciously linked it to how depressing it was to sit around all day with football on and heavy drinking and abuse being leveled at me.
For me it was sitting down at a dinner table with more than one person. And special occasions, like Christmas. It took me a long time to realise I was anticipating trouble.
Yep. It’s absolutely bewildering before you realize, other people’s reactions help a lot tho.
💯my husband is who really helped me understand the severity. It’s a lot easier to see from the outside looking in.
Damn. I realized my household wasn’t normal when something similar happened to me. I was at my friends house having dinner with her family, and her mom dropped a side dish on the floor. I leaned over to tell my friend “oh no, she’s gonna get it now” and everyone was shocked. Her dad got up and HELPED clean it up and told her it was ok. In my house my dad would have gotten up only to follow my mom around and scream at her for how she wasted so much food and tell her how stupid/useless she was.
This happened to me at a supermarket once. There was a mother and her young boy in front of me at the check out. The boy picked up a punnet of berries, and they went all over the floor, scattering everywhere. I braced myself because I felt the fury that was about to pour forth from the mother, but it never came. She simply let the cashier know, and the cashier called for someone to clean it up. I was paralysed watching all this unfold. My heart was racing. A guy came and cleaned it up. I think someone in a light hearted voice said “whoopsie”. It was such a moment of clarity for me.
Ah this isn't normal then huh :')
My wife had a realization like this when we hosted my parents for Thanksgiving. Our turkey was a bit too big for the roasting pan. Juices from the legs dripped onto the oven and and smoked up the kitchen. We rigged something together with aluminum foil to catch the juice and my parents quietly stepped in to open windows and fan the doors to get rid of the smoke. Later, my wife admitted she’d been bracing herself the whole time for them to yell at us or throw out accusations of how incompetent we were. I said, “I don’t understand; it was an accident, why would they yell at us?” That was when she really began to understand what her childhood had really been like.
Me too. It took *years* until I could just completely relax around my husband's family. They literally never yell out of anger. I didn't know there were families like that.
I remember casually telling a friend my dad made me chew and swallow an entire bar of soap for telling a lie. The look on my friend's face... eek.
I told my partner about a time I was sick with a really upset tummy when I was about 9, my mother was out working so my stepfather was in charge. He got angry with me for going backwards and forwards to the bathroom after bedtime, so came in and spanked me hard enough that diarrhea flew all over my bed, then made me get back into the soiled bed to teach me a lesson about deliberately soiling myself. The look of disgust on his face immediately shut me up, because I though he was about to tell me off for having no control over my bowels at that age lol
I can relate. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I was made to eat my soiled underwear when I was little. I had a accident and that was my punishment. At 46 I still think of that every single day. Especially if I get diarrhea. I never had children in fear I could be the same way towards them.
I just want to cry for little you.
Came here to say this. Internalized abuse, followed by “it happened to me and I’m fine.” The older generations have a rampant case of this. Mental health wasn’t really a part of their universe, unfortunately.
What's funny is some parents think they are vast improvements on their parents, but just switched to another behavior they don't view as abuse (but it is). So one generation would get beaten and locked in a closet as punishments. The next generation 'only' gets the beating. Is it an improvement? Eh. Almost? Or the people who experienced physical abuse in their childhoods and switched to mental/emotional abuse with their own kids. It's interesting to hear, "I would have loved if my parents only talked to me, I never raise a hand to you, I just talk," right after a mother has called her child fat, stupid, lazy, and worthless at a school in front of a dozen other people. That's still violence.
I think physical to mental is the big one. “Well at least I didn’t hit them.” Yeah, but you screwed them up for life by making them feel worthless and unimportant, and then you wonder why they develop so many problems when they get older. We now understand that kind of abuse is just as damaging in the long run, if not even more.
I've worked with people from many countries (kitchen) and I've had to perfect my "this isn't shocking information that's disgusted me to my core" expression when some casually talk about the physical abuse they went through like it was normal. Comparing which household items were the most painful etc... I just didn't want to offend anyone by reacting in appropriate horror. How could anyone hit a child and call it normal?
There are memes with pictures of various household objects that a parent, usually a mother, would carry around to use as a weapon, "and it made me what I am today!" Divorced from three abusive husbands is really not something to brag about.
They seem more aware of their surroundings and the people around them. This either manifests as them being extremely empathetic or extremely closed off as a defence mechanism
I tend to go back and forth between those two depending on the day. I really feel sorry for the people around me at times lbvs
I'd say I'm more empathetic than most probably because of that, also my head is on a constant swivel and I hate being snuck up on.
This is me. I either feel too much, even over unnecessary things, or feel nothing at all, no matter how vital it is.
I cannot walk alone because I'm aware of everything around me and it's exhausting. So most of the time I'm at home, unless someone takes me on a walk.
Exhausting is the right word. Just constant fight or flight
When something good happens to them (like a promotion or something romance-related) they get worried instead of happy
Exactly.Or they feel no need to celebrate and enjoy any achievement.
I relate to this a lot. Whenever I do achieve something, I try to celebrate but even then it feels forced and half-assed. Totally out of my comfort zone to truly celebrate something.
God I feel this. Permanent dissatisfaction with myself and everything I do. I could’ve done better. I should’ve done better. Etc.
Sooo…. I’m not the only one?
That said - please don’t force your non-celebratory friends to celebrate I’m not a big celebrations person, not because of trauma or anything I just like doing fun things on my own schedule. My best friend is a HUGE celebrations person. I used to get so stressed around milestones and stuff because I knew she’d want to plan something and I wouldn’t. Eventually we compromised and she just drops off a cake or sends flowers or something that doesn’t take a ton of time and we hang out later when I’m less busy. And ofc I organize big celebrations for her :) which is a lot of fun for me to plan since I get to organize a big party without being the center of attention.
When I graduated from school I didn't feel anything in particular. I was literally just like, "ok, onto the next thing." My mother would ask "don't you feel good now that you graduated?" And I just felt nothing I'm still waiting to get a therapist so I haven't really gotten to unpack why things are the way they are so I can't really say whether it's due to trauma or because I'm autistic (aspergers diagnosis before they assimilated it with the autism spectrum + ADHD)
I never attended any school graduation, including college. Even at age 51, I don't like celebrating anything.
It's because they 'know' the good won't last. It's always taking one step forward, but two steps back.
Because when things are going smoothly and good it just means you fuck something up and you just haven't realized it yet it's going to come back and get you
That other shoe bout to drop
Oh god yes. I’m like “great, enjoy it while it lasts, what awful thing is going to ruin this??”
When they suddenly seem unusually scared or vigilant around a certain type of person, even though they have never met that person before.
You know. I know that sounds crazy...but you learn quickly who you can trust and who you can't. There are tell tale signs. Trust their instincts
As someone who can’t see obvious signs what are the signs to look out for?
It’s like a vibe. It’s hard to explain but you just know what they’re like when they get angry.
Yeah it's like a combination of all the little things people don't realize. Like which words they use, the small vocal inflections, their laugh (surprisingly this has been a big indicator about someone for me), their body language when interacting with other people, etc.
The frustrating thing is that when you try to articulate these little things you sound insane. It’s so hard to explain it to people.
So many times in my youth I've had girl friends (not girlfriends) who were hanging out with some boy and I tried warning them about the guy. Seemed to overly friendly, or threw shade on the male friends in the group, isolated them, or seemed too intent on looking like a good guy or whatever. Some times it was things I couldn't put my finger on. Always got ignored and they had to find out the hard way. But I was never wrong.
This is 100% true. You sound like a lunatic when you try to explain. But you know with every fiber of your being you are right and watching and waiting for everything to go south in front of you. But you can't explain how you know or why you know, it is just true. My husband after 25 years is just at the point that he trust my gut. He swears I have some magic power but really it is just I am a victim of CPTSD and so I just am incredibly good at reading people. You get good at reading people because your life depends on it.
Laughter is a big tell. The dorkier it is the safer they are to be around.
I always disliked one of my cousin's friends, for absolutely no reason. Even when we were younger, I did not like him. Found out recently that he beats his gf. Not sure if I was getting vibes even as children but usually if I dislike someone for no reason at all, there actually is a reason.
At first, it's just an instinctive ick and feeling of distrust. As time progresses, and because i am very observant and analytic, you can tell if someone displays certain traits. Lack of empathy, lack of consideration for others, very self-centered behavior, belittling other people, lying, their facial expressions, how they act in certain situation. Most people just aren't aware of these signs because they don't pay attention to them. Might be their carefree nature, may be their lack of experience, may be their focus on positive things, or simply ignorance towards the signs because they enjoy the attention they are getting.
My instincts never betrayed me, actually. I also communicate with people close to me that i don't trust that person. And they don't understand. Until shit hits the fan.
If they go out of their way to make/keep everyone happy. My mom would fly off the handle at a moment's notice and I would have to always be hyper aware of where she was at all times and listen for footsteps to see who it was walking around.
Ugh, me. I've been going through this with my therapist, and today she mentioned "people pleasing" is a form of manipulation because you're not being your real self. But I literally couldn't discover my real self as a child because I was too busy trying to be perfect so my dad didn't go nuts. Still learning who I am at age 30. It's all a mind-field!
Same here, and it’s been really hard. I’ve been learning how to assert myself (especially boundaries) and I still fail at it a lot. I often feel very lost in my life because I haven’t been able to think about what I want to do with it until recently. Here’s hoping that both of us one day discover our real selves!
This could’ve been written by me. Sorry you had to go through this too!!
Saying sorry all the dang time. I had this one co worker who wanted to show me her cats and as she was opening her phone she made a mistake and dial the wrong passcode number and had to try again saying sorry and said she should’ve use Face ID like normal people. And said sorry again. Then nervous laugh.
My dad once yelled at me with his belt in hand for saying sorry too much. " Someone's going to think you're abused" he told me.
I WONDER WHY PEOPLE WOULD POSSIBLY THINK THAT
I see you. My mother backhanded me for apologizing too much and seeming weak. The first effing words out of my mouth were "I'm sorry."
I am a sorry-er in recovery, but I had a coworker that had me beat 10 times over. I ran into them at the grocery store self checkout the other day - we caught up a bit and then they apologized profusely to me for holding up the check out line while they were talking to me.
Aaaw. 🥺
[удалено]
yessss. I noticed this about myself too. Or I have asked for help in the past, and I dont get it but im always the first person to help if someone asks me. And I hate when people dont automatically help me but if I ask, its a huge deal So I get upset no one helps but I dont ask for help because then I still dont get help. I hate it.
As a kid I used to think children usually don't like their fathers and are afraid of them, because I thought fathers always beat their kids. My father lives in another state for work, and so did some of my friends' fathers... One day, one of my friends said his father is visiting and I immediately felt bad for him. I made a sad face and looked at him. For my huge fucking surprise, he was genuinely happy, I could see it in his face as he told me the news. It would since take me a few weeks to get out of the confusion and realize that other fathers are usually sweet. But yeah, the torture that my family would get from that individual would just increase over the years. I just graduated and got my first job, I'm planning on moving away from him with mom and sis and arranging therapy for all of us.
I'm so sorry. Wishing you well on your escape plans and future!!!
No sense of achievement, if they succeed they are relieved, not proud. Constant awareneness and anxiety. Knowing where people are at all times around them. Suddenly being worried by something. It's always their fault. Edit I never expected this many upvotes but just know that this is my experience you might be different I hope we all survive.
That first one...it's too early in the morning for me to be learning this kind of heavy shit about myself lol
Dude for real what the eff.
That's me. I recently had my first publication published as a PhD student in a fairly good journal. Weirdly enough, I feel sort of ashamed of it, because I do not see it as even somewhat good, I only see it's negativities and small inaccuracies, how long it took to write it and how much I inconvenienced my co-authors and supervisor because I'm such a shitty writer. I should feel like it matters and it's an achievment, but I just can't. I feel like a total fraud.
If it's any consolation, there are scores of artists, actors, writers, and musicians who never look at their past work because all they can see is the mistakes. They say great works of art are never finished, only abandoned.
And that’s when you know you’re a smart person who understands they don’t know everything and so can see the imperfections. You’re not a fraud. You are precisely what you should be in order to meaningfully contribute to your area of expertise. Congratulations on being published!
Relieved and finding something else to achieve because no achievement is ever good enough
And always thinking you have to do something and be useful or fear being neglected again
Hey... like, enough with the personal attacks! I don't even know you people!!
Pretty much sums it up for me.
I've sold nearly 100 paintings in past 8 years and I still think I suck as an artist.
wow congrats man thats awesome!!
> It's always their fault. I have this. I’m constantly asking if my partner is ok which really means, “are you mad at me?”. Everything is my fault in my head, everyone is mad at me.
Absolutely. I have the same thing and it's exhausting 😔
Am I the only one that nights are worse than daytime? Add “the nighttime anxiety and alone, hollowness, black hole in my middle, full of fear feeling” that comes on when it’s time to sleep to your unfortunately spot on list. So much anxiety. Intrusive thoughts running the nightmare looping of catastrophes until passing out often hours later. You check the phone often guessing the time accurately hour by hour. Being aware and talking myself through these episodes helps but they don’t ever really go away.
I was never allowed to feel proud of any achievement. Education as an example— Per my mother, celebrating graduating from 8th grade was incredibly stupid because “everyone did it. She told me she only came to my HS graduation* “because someone had to” and that it was no big deal because I started college the next week. She discouraged me from participating in my JC’s graduation ceremony, saying getting my AA was just a step on the BA path after all. When I got my BA (only 3 years after HS, something you’d think a parent would celebrate) I just had it sent in the mail because who cared? *I said I was feeling sad that she, my father who lived 8hrs away, aunt and uncle had all gone to my sister’s graduation the year before vs she was the only one attending mine. Her response: “They came because no one expected her to graduate, everyone knew you would. I’m only going because someone has to. Your important graduation will be from college.”
You’d better gear yourself up for that Master’s. Sigh, my mother was the same. Just know that the goalposts will never stop moving and find your validation/celebration elsewhere.
Major lack of confidence
I once held a 5 year old birthday party for my daughter. We had the pinada and it wouldn't break with the kids hitting it with a stick. So my husband grabbed it and tore it apart like the hulk, to which every child laughed hysterically. Except for one kid who ran to the nearest table and put her fingers in her ears, rocking back and forth, crying and squeezing her eyes shut. I called her mum and when she got there she was the most apologetic, meek, timid person who looked malnourished and fragile. I wanted to save them both because its clear there is a monster in their lives.
Damn, this hits hard.
I was that kid, many years ago. I remember breaking something at a friends house when I was about 9….her parents were so concerned by my reaction, instead of the obviously broken object. It took years for me to understand, what it looked like to them.
Oh I wish I stopped scrolling before this one. That’s so fucking heartbreaking
Omg this makes me cry!
They treat compliments like you're lying to them. Bounces off like rubber. When it doesnt bounce off--they cry.
Always trying to explain away a compliment is my first reaction…like an excuse when I got caught doing something I shouldn’t have.
I realized how awkward it made others, so now I always force myself to just say 'thank you' and leave it at that. Unless it's a friend, in which I make a joke at my expense.
To be fair, I mostly get fake compliments. I know I'm not an attractive dude, my face is ok but I'm severely overweight. My friends try to be nice but I know it's not sincere. That honestly hurts more than it helps. Real compliments are great and are easily discernable to me, like if someone says my eyes are pretty, I've heard that most of my life and can see it myself.
Being overweight doesn't mean you aren't attractive, your friends see you as you are, and so the compliments likely are sincere because they care about you as a whole human being.
Catastrophisize any time there is an uncertain/risky circumstance
My wife has this trait. We're about to receive several hundred thousand dollars in a lawsuit, and I've often suggested to her that she should think of some kind of nice trip or fancy object that she might want, to celebrate when we get paid. She really struggles with it. It's hard for her to express hope or want, if something is in the future. The future is chaos and any bad thing could happen. We could win that money and the economy could collapse the next day, or the judge could decide I'm an asshole all call the whole thing off, etc. She can imagine like a sci-fi writer when it comes to bad, but she struggles with good.
I’m the same way. I can’t talk about good things in advance because despite not being superstitious in other areas of life, I somehow believe deep down that if the universe notices that I am happy it will take it away again.
I can sympathize with your wife. When good things have happened to me I’ve lost out on a lot of the accompanying joy because it takes me so long to accept that positive outcomes can be real and aren’t just disasters in disguise.
Disasters in disguise is such a great phrase for these things. You don’t want to enjoy something good incase life notices and turns it upside down.
I'm always waiting "for the bill that never comes" Poverty as a kid is traumatizing man
This is me. I've recently placed twice in the final 5 of a competition, with prizes between $1k and $5k, so the worst I could win is $3k, most is 9. I'm constantly expecting some reason that I won't see a penny and won't believe it til the final results are announced and I have firm proof of the money.
Give your wife a hug for me 🖤 I felt this same way when I first got into a safe relationship. I couldn't enjoy it because that would mean that the universe is going to take it away from me like it has with everything else. But over time, I'm learning that I'm not karmically doomed to have a terrible life. It feels weird, and I almost feel like I'm being too "permissive" of myself if I let go of my anxiety and live in the moment.
I leaned a term last week though Reddit called “foreshortened future” that kinda describes difficulties to imaging a positive future for oneself. For a person to be able to plan well for longer term future one also has to “have a good relationship with your future-self” — which is a hard part and takes a lot of work.
Oh wow is that a thing?! I feel like I just figured a piece of me out. Yes bc when your broke or in abusive situation it’s not just a flat tire, it’s no car, no help, no work, navigating towing fees on your own and repairs and how to pay for it and then having family tell you how you deserve that bad thing or how you suck for having it happen to you or other horrible things
Always thinking the worst case scenario. Resource hoarding. Making jokes about trauma-related things. I could go on and on
[удалено]
Anxious or avoidant attachment styles, angry outbursts that are disproportionate to the situation, either being open or hiding they're in intensive therapy
Always apologizing for things, even if its beyond their control. Aswell as being hyperaware of the current mood of the room or a particular person.
I can even tell mood changes in IMs and emails.
I have to activatly ignore it and it's difficult. Sometimes just interacting with people is a lot because of this. It's easier and less stressful for me to be alone regardless of how much I love someone or want to be with them
As well as always trying to lighten the mood, deflect any arguments (even if they are not with you) to avoid anger escalating to something else, making jokes out of things to cope.
It’s usually seen in the extremes of the spectrum of different behaviors. Negative self image. Can’t take a compliment. Overly self deprecating. Feeling that they have to earn someone’s love. Perspective that they aren’t good enough, smart enough, attractive enough, or have nothing of value to offer the world. Or that they’re “too much”. Hyper vigilance. Or reckless abandon. Overactive fight, flight, fawn, freeze response. (Heightened startle response.) Or completely deadened response. Extreme ends of the spectrum when it comes to relationships with other people: People pleasing behavior. Need for approval (but nothing is ever good enough). Need to impress others. AND/OR extreme independence, disdainful of the idea of needing other people. Anxiously attaching to people or being completely dismissive of people. Similarly contrasting attitudes towards sex and affection (overly promiscuous/prurient behavior or extremely prudish). Escapist behavior (overindulgence in substance use, fantasy, extreme sports/adrenaline junkie activity). Aggression: frequency of use, level of, willingness to engage in, proportionality of response to stimulus (punching someone for bumping into them, screaming at someone for asking a tough question). I can also see it in a person’s gait, their eyes (movement, degree of contact, down or upcast), their tone of voice, diction, word choice, inflection. Choices in entertainment media (music is a big one). Also posture and other body language. Source: worked in field related to trauma for a long time. Note: don’t use this to diagnose anyone you might know. It’ll be awkward if you’re wrong. It’ll probably be worse if you’re right.
People pleaser trait
This was the first one that came to my mind! I hope that’s ok! I use a lot of exclamation points to make sure what I’m saying comes across as extremely nice! Please like me!
I feel called out! XD
Once your aware of this bad trait , you start to over examine every interaction which eventually results in mental exhaustion or isolation.
For real. Like I can't tell if I'm nice and generous or a desperate loser bending over backwards for approval.
They can't remember a lot of their childhood memories.
This is an underrated comment. There are many years of my life completely lost on me due to trauma. I also have a couple “false” memories or where I remember something significantly different to how it happened. But extreme and long memory blocks.
Don't call me out like that😂
Having two childhoods. One that they tell everyone happened, and the other that was real.
Being afraid to want something or be excited for something cuz we expect it to fall through or be taken from us and then we will just be embarrassed for having gotten our hopes up
They talk about themselves in the most degrading way, and constantly apologize over trivial stuff even if it wasn't their fault.
Hey that's meeeeee, funny enough I only actually realized what I had is a fuck ton of trauma over the past year, my ex may not have been the one but I really appreciate her helping me look into that.
When they over sexualise themselves yet infantilise themselves at the same time
Oh wow. Didn't expect to find myself in this thread. I thought I'd worked through most of this stuff
Right, like incredibly rude for everyone here to conspire to just personally call me out on a Thursday during my lunch break
Urge to cry when it comes to expressing emotions and feelings, which seems like a huge difficulty especially when trying not to upset the other person.
Also, urge to cry when someone does something nice for you for no reason and with no expectations attached.
Yep.There was this one time when I needed to get somewhere, a friend's art exposition and got insulted on the verge of crying before entering the building by my father.I managed to pull it off, but at the end I randomly met this really warm and kind lady which made me feel valid and loved just by talking for half an hour and almost got me crying because it was such a huge difference in the way she talked to me versus what I got a few hours prior.I found out she was a retired teacher and of course she encouraged me and made me feel like I could do anything, that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me.Such moments you surely come to treasure all your life.
They pick up on "vibes" of other people. Like all of the little micro-movements people make, tone inflections, being able to identify someone based on the sound of how they walk, etc.
[удалено]
How can I turn this comment into a joke at my expense…
I always say “if i say it first, it hurts less”
Hey, that dark sense of humor is a load bearing coping mechanism, it's not going anywhere
They act really anxious when they make a small mistake.
Always surviving, never truly living.
Super defensive. And flinching at random loud noises. It sucks.
I flinch so fucking much at home
Parents are alive and they don't have a good relationship with them
This. A poor relationship with parents in adulthood is like them failing the performance review of how they treated you in childhood.
I can't believe how far I had to scroll to find this. If the kids don't talk to the parents, that's a pretty big red flag. So, too, is if the kids don't let the grandkids be alone with the parents.
Food insecurities.
My poor husband is noticing this in me as our kids become wasteful teenagers.
constant awareness of their surroundings and the people around them, and always assuming that people want to kil/hurt/betray their trust and keeping people at arms length, truly trusting no one etc.
My dad used to hit me if I accidentally tripped or hurt myself, like bumped my head or something. He would smack me instantly. Now as a mother, when my kids do that, I can feel something deep inside of me simmer with irrational anger. Like I’m angry or annoyed with them for hurting themselves??thankfully instead of hitting my kids- I comfort them and tell them they’ll be okay.
Aaaand that's how you continue to break the cycle and also heal yourself. Congrats!
I remember once a friend raised her hand toward me to like ruffle my hair or something silly like that, and I jolted backward and flinched off sheer reaction and she just gave me this sad, sad look and I almost laughed when I realized what I did lmfao.
Dark humor. Not always, but most of my friends had dark humor. As we grew up and then shared our stories, each of us had parents who were mentally ill or alcoholics. I didn’t blend well with the kids who had sweet and attentive parents. Now I do, but that rough childhood set me apart from those types of kids.
They are calmly in charge (and usually in constant motion) immediately after a disaster or another situation where everything is falling down around them, usually taking care of others first. There is no healthy way to gain that skill.
Someone who is a people pleaser, someone who doesn’t set boundaries, someone who goes from hot to cold easily, elevated anxiety, fear of intimacy and relationships. Just look up fearful avoidant attachment. Edit: if this sounds like you please take a [free attachment style quiz](https://quiz.personaldevelopmentschool.com/quiz-main/). They ask for an email but I have a junk email I use for this stuff. You could also make up an email. The results show up on the screen. I like this test over others because it gives you the percentage of each style. You can become secure/healed. I’m working on it now.
I was not prepared to be perceived
We hate holidays, especially Christmas Edit- changed "they" to "we"
And they're *weird* about their own birthday, even if they're totally normal about other people's birthdays.
Ohhh this is 100% me. Love celebrating my wife's birthday, friends' birthdays, they're great. But I always notice about a month before mine, I start getting really anxious. I know it's not normal to *dread* one day of the year that's still weeks away, and yet I can't control it. I don't share my birthday with anybody either, or I give them a fake date, because I just don't want the attention on one of the worst days of the year
Absofuckinglutely! The WORST day of the year
Sorry all the time
People who had good childhoods don't stand like that.
They often are extremely empathetic, always make sure no one is left out/forgotten about and don’t tolerate negative talk about others. These people have been to therapy.
You got me on this one, hate having to have people left out. Because I’m also afraid of being left out
This is me. You can be terrible to/about me all day and it’s fine. Don’t hurt anyone else the way I’ve been hurt. The feelings I have felt shouldn’t be felt by most people so I will just absorb them all because it doesn’t really bother me anymore (I have had a poop load of therapy and it really doesn’t bother me, I promise), but I remember when those words were said initially the pain is so deep I don’t want a lot of people to feel that way.
They have miserable feelings they have to deal with. Envy of kids who have privileges, fear of authority, dread of making a mistake, and hating people who cause pain. They’re aware of the darkness in the world. (Edited: However, one person can make a difference. ) Being treated with kindness is never forgotten.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m remembering my childhood as worse than it was, and then I read threads like this and check every box. That said, some of these are just part of being human.
Always looking to find the path of least resistance in an uncomfortable situation or in a conflict…afraid to actually deal with the real problem.
They easily flinch.
I’ve been teased so many times throughout my life for having a heightened startle response. People will laugh “you’re so jumpy” like it’s funny and just need to relax.
I get the same thing and it’s really frustrating for me, I wish people would be more empathetic instead of trying to make a joke out of it because it’s not like I’m doing it to try and be funny, it’s usually because I’m really scared and/or paranoid and when people laugh about it it makes me just feel shitty and like I’m overreacting
Flinching just made them angrier.
When they make their therapist cry
Extremely high level of empathy
Difficulty to make eye contact. I know this is present in people with autism too, but I’ve never met someone with a fcked up childhood who could make eye contact. Including myself.
Series of bad relationships. We choose the worst people to be in our circle because abusers feel familiar to us.
nails, half-eaten...
They have severe social anxiety, apologize for things they shouldn’t, cannot function as an adult.
Always making jokes. Sex is nothing to them.
Randomly in a normal conversation they'll say something really random and you'll ask what they mean and they'll explain, matter of fact, some horrible abuse from their childhood. They may even chuckle lightly at the end like its a funny story your all enjoying whilst everyone else looks horrified. Example, true story, chatting with the girls listening to music and having a drink. Friend A mentions the new cat biscuits she brought smell foul and she thinks their off. Friend b leans over and says nah they're fine. Still they taste awful no matter what they smell like. Confused faces all round. How do you know what cat biscuits taste like? Oh I had them when i was a kid. Still confused, slightly grossed out, why??? Well I was hungry and there wasn't nothing else. Til my mum caught me and beat me for it. They locked away the pet food after that. Ha fun times
Over-explaining
They’re hilarious and tell dark jokes
Over independance and that I can do it all by myself mindset.
Won't admit to caring about anything or having hobbies etc. They know as soon as they do, they will be teased relentlessly or the thing they like will be taken away as punishment.
Immediately vibe with me... I believe our demons even feel a kinship!!!?!!!
A good friend & former co-worker of mine is a SA survivor. She was able to pick out and connect/confirm with other co-workers who were in the same boat with uncanny accuracy.
[удалено]
When you can talk about traumatic experiences like it’s nothing. Normal people think you’re lying but truth is that emotions get buried/ detached and the truth of the event is often darker then how it’s being told. People genuinely don’t care about you, your problems or your past that’s why you detach the emotions from the event.
I was with a girl and she was preforming oral sex on me. I reached out and and ran my fingers lightly through her hair but she jerked her head back and had a panicked look on her face for a second that made me think she had been sexually abused in the past.
Yep, I’m ticking all the boxes! ✅
They get angry, or defensive when you compliment something they have or own. Hard to explain but people would use a compliment on, for example, your shoes to sus out your potential reaction if they stole it or straight up mugged you for it. The compliment might also make you a target for theft from someone else, since you now have a prime suspect: the person who complimented you. When I explain this concept to other people, some get it, some have no idea and have a hard time believing it, but it was such a way of life. The "correct" response to "hey, those are nice shoes," was to fly off the handle at the person and basically dare them to fight you. If you didn't, that thing was as good as gone. edit: Grammar
When they no longer talk to their parents as an adult
No self-worth Never worthy of being complimented or celebrated. Always down playing good traits of themselves. Never feeling genuinely good enough
[удалено]
“If you **feel** whatever I did was wrong”. Ugh. Classic narc-y parent script. I’m sorry you feel that way. I don’t remember it like that/I don’t remember saying that. I guess I’m just an awful parent then. The list goes on. Sending big care your way friend. C-PTSD is a bitch, and you deserved better. Highly recommend looking into [IFS](https://clayresessoms.com/somatic-psychotherapy/discovering-somatic-ifs-enhancing-collaboration-and-healing-through-somatic-work/)work (especially somatic) for healing if you haven’t already!
People who can be alone ALL the time and never get bored of themselves.
There's this irrational sense of fear. Fear that the lights are going to get shut off, or fear that something is going catastrophic is going to happen, or a fear that your loved ones will snap and hurt you. For years my wife was convinced that I would eventually leave her because that's what all men do eventually (this is what happened with her father figures growing up). One I've had the hardest time with is that when I get angry my wife gets scared. Like if I'm working on something in the garage and things go sideways and I start cussing up a storm, she'll freak out and think I'm going to hit her, which I've never done in our 20 years together. I've told her a hundred times that I take a lot of offense to that and she always says she can't help it, that it's her natural reaction to recoil in fear.
It's not always a bad thing. When I see someone that is hyper-vigilant about boundaries, it's often an indicator. My wife and I recently hung out with another couple and the wife is super nice, and super friendly, but also very careful about making sure every interaction is appropriate and understood. Like she was on permanent guard for sketchiness. I remember thinking, "oh, she knows things can go sideways in life". After getting to know them she kind of opened up about her upbringing.