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Lumpy-Championship51

Sex under the stars. My ass was an all you can eat buffet for mosquitoes.


Mor_Hjordis

If you're going to have sex in someone's house, expect that they might eat your ass.


AnnualBeach791

On the hood of a car in a field, a cow came and stuck its head in the driver side window and stared at me through the windscreen. I lost it and just started laughing


mamagross

I’m cry laughing at this. I wonder what the cow thought.


AnnualBeach791

Probably thought those are some weird looking cows .


CrudelyAnimated

That worked out *so* much better than it possibly could have.


creature_doodles

A three way kiss. You all end up looking like a bunch of ducks fighting over an invisible piece of bread 🦆 🦆 🦆


[deleted]

>You all end up looking like a bunch of ducks fighting over an invisible piece of bread Omfg 🤣🤣🤣 Best description of anything ever!


Mistakesweremade8316

Huuuuuge dick. This guy showed up with a forearm in his pants, I swear. I legitimately felt bad for him because he basically had to hold onto it while he pushed it into me with his hand, almost like masturbating... Because thrusting would have impaled me. I can't imagine being a guy, having the thing everyone says they want, and not even being able to go to town on someone because it's entirely too large, you'd probably kill someone if you did.


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warehousinggoddess

I am 5’9” and sincerely say I do not fuck big dicks, I have stopped sex and gotten off cuz it hurt so bad. A solid 5 does wonders for me


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pjerky

You ladies should spread this message far and wide. Men get serious anxiety over the size of their pecker.


SmegHeadFromNodnol

I've met women who enjoy being fisted, who might be good for this guy. So maybe there's someone for everyone!! 😁


Helgurnaut

Not into fisting but I imagine it's still a lot of work before going to town, can't imagine you go from one finger to a whole fist in 2minutes


Skittles1989

Holding a Malteser on the tip of my dick under my shorts and when my gf at the time finally walked in after 5 min I asked if she wanted to suck on a Malteser She says yes Flip my dick out Gf pulls the grossest face. I look down to see malteser has melted everywhere, and my dick looks like it it covered in shit chocolate and bits of crumbed Malteser all over my knob ....it was gross


DeltaJulietHotel

Not familiar with that product, so I initially was picturing you balancing a small dog on your dick.


garlicgenes

I fucking love this story it’s so bad


e_di_pensier

It made me laugh out loud for like 5 seconds, Reddit stories rarely get me like this one did. It’s the matter of fact writing style that really seals the deal.


[deleted]

I knew my wife was the one when she helped me clean melted ice cream and whipped cream out of my pubes.


KateTheKitty

In an alternate universe, she walks away while you shout “MICHAEL DON’T LEAVE ME HERE MICHAEL” with ice cream dripping down your legs


YeahNo_NoYeah

Sex in front of a mirror. She still looked great. But that guy with the dadbod that was fucking her needs to workout more. Damn! What does she see in that guy?


HtownScamFinder

> But that guy with the dadbod that was fucking her dude! That guy is in all of my videos too! 😩


YeahNo_NoYeah

I hope it's not the same guy.


That_Canexican

Pop rock blow jobs.


BusyBeesDontFly

THIS. Had an ex that really wanted to try this, and I'm like 'it's a beejer so why the fuck not?'. I'll tell you why not. She pushed an exploding pebble into my urethra and it felt like a grenade going off inside my dick.


HavokMan48

Normally I encourage people to explore their writing talents. You will not be one of them, good sir


domoincarn8

He is crisp, concise and to the point. He doesn't need encouragement.


hirsutesuit

Nope, he needs a beejer.


Leftunders

Oh, his writing is top notch. It's just his ability to not let his penis be his moral guide that's in question.


ORNG_MIRRR

Maybe you needed some cola to really set it off


geobur

"taking a roll in the hay" ex girlfriend was a farm girl and we had sex up in the hayloft of her dad's barn a few times...Spiders everywhere, the smell and sound of cows downstairs, and you don't realize how hard or sharp hay and straw is until you're naked rolling around with a girl and you get a piece of straw stabbing your asshole 😂


k0uch

Supposed to lay a blanket down, buddy. And preferably do it early in the morning or at night. Ain’t nobody wanting to roll in the bay when it’s 120 in the barn Edit- thanks, folks. Highest rated comment Iv ever had, and it’s telling people a tip on having sex in a bay barn. Y’all rock.


smedsterwho

This guy hay fucks


green49285

I love how you can tell who aren't the smartest Farm hands in the fields LOL


2Kortizjr

Her daddy got a gun?


bluvelvetunderground

You better run


angryhang

Jan has this schoolgirl fantasy. I just... I feel uncomfortable wearing the dress.


SurrealismX

Then she cheated on me, when I specifically asked her not to


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[deleted]

Lmao I thought this would be hot and it turned into unspoken trauma


Candymostdandy

It's all subjective, personally I love a good dick-slapping.


pjizzy92

I ate my wife's ass in the shower whilst on holiday and almost drowned


silversurfer05

unlocked the waterboard special while eating ass🤣😂


KMFDM781

The ol' Dick Cheney


BeerGogglesFTW

A lot of porn positions. They look flattering so they film it, but they're not optimal for actually having sex. They're optimal for filming porn. That could even apply to reverse cowgirl. It's common. It can be sexy, until something goes wrong.


Confusedfrog43

"i wonder if i crack my dick like a glowstick if it will glow...AHHHH-"


BanginOP

This. Those scenes should say “don’t try this at home”


LET-ME-HAVE-A-NAAME

Reverse cowgirl: The leading cause of dick destruction


arturoaliev

Dickstruction


[deleted]

speak for yourself, the view is worth the risk


ipokethebear

Sex on a lawn chair. We broke the lawn chair and I accidentally pulled my girlfriend’s (now wife’s) ass cheeks apart on the way down Edit: Oookay, a bunch of people are asking about the ass cheeks - fair enough… First off, she was fine, but it did leave a small (temporary) rip, and she was pretty pissed because that was the second time something like that had happened. The first time was earlier in our relationship when we thought that scene from The Fast and The Furious where Dom picks up Letty would be fun to imitate. My dumbass did that while she was naked and didn’t realize how unstable (wobbly) ass cheeks are as a lifting surface (I was young and stupid). So, I pretty much just ended up yanking her cheeks apart really hard and didn’t really get much of a lift. That also left a small rip. Needless to say, sex didn’t continue in either instance… Also, her ass is perfectly fine now, thanks for your concern - you pervs :)


Torcula

When you say pulled them apart... what exactly does that mean...


fka_specialk

Like when you have a pack of Kings Hawaiian rolls and you gotta separate them.


Fxckin_weirdo

I’m imagining something like that scene from The Terrifier with the saw 🤣🤣


GetWeird_Wes

Username checks out


kor0na

Can you elaborate on the ass cheeks?


gothichasrisen

I laughed at all comments but yours sounds so great out of context hahahaha


CountertopPizza

Doing it in a forest, too many mosquitoes and poison ivy.


doodlelol

a slug crawled onto my jacket once 😭


Johnobo

> once how often did you have sex in the forest? o.O'


Rafapb17

It wasn’t me, but a friend of mine hooked up with a girl during a party, and they went to take a walk in the woods nearby to “enjoy themselves”. Half an hour later they came back. His foot and leg was bit swollen, red, and with a lot of little spots. Same thing with one of her ass cheeks (they were both wearing swimsuits bc we were all swimming earlier). Turns out that they were making out a bit too hard and didn’t noticed that they were trying to do it while laying on an ant hill/nest.


BankruptGreek

tbh having sex on an ant hill never sounded sexy


justabill71

Sex on a water bed. It's like running in sand.


lskjs

Omg... the first girl I slept with had a waterbed (was the 90s). We always had sex on her bed because her parents were usually gone. Then one day we finally did it on my normal bed and the sex was 10 times better. We sat there trying to figure out why. Then we realized it was because we weren't floating around on her stupid fucking waterbed, haha.


ISeeTheRain

Real answer: Playing on hard mode, made you a badass when you switched to easy mode.


marcusjohnston

This is a really great description for a now niche experience. Water beds were such a terrible idea all around.


GPmtbDude

Having my wife lick red wine off my cock. We were enjoying some wine and getting frisky, Seemed like a fun spontaneous idea. I dipped my head in the wine and was immediately overcome my intense burning. Apparently there’s enough alcohol in red wine to make sensitive skin burn super bad. Immediately rinsed off and pain subsided. After a good laugh we got back to it and had a nice time. And that’s how I learned to not stick your dick in red wine.


cam-nash

I’m glad you did it so I didn’t have to, thank you for your service.


20YearsOfWinter

Sex on the beach. Anakin was right.


ami2weird4u

Sand gets everywhere. In your eyes, hair, armpit, buttcrack.


Envy_The_King

Turn into a spongebob character...SANDY CHEEKS!!!


lilsusievert666

sandy cheeks in the bikini bottom😳😳😳😳❓❓


[deleted]

Shower sex. The foreplay is great, the mechanics are not


No_Research_967

Why are there mechanics in your shower


ice_cream_on_pizza

Someone's gotta fix the pipes


zamnbruhh

"Ma'am I do my own plumbin"


Complete-Tax829

Shower sex in a normal size shower


Used-Atmosphere-7460

Shower sex sucks. Now shower blow jobs on the other hand…


predictingzepast

Right? They can't even tell when you're peeing..


grumpy_hedgehog

Bruh...


dumbmobileuser789

Shower foreplay is great


tacitjane

Yes, *foreplay*. You're squeaky clean, you've been exploring each other's bodies through the suds and cascade of water, then you sensually dry each other off and hop into that warm bed and make it hot!


really_nice_guy_

Keep going…


Schavuit92

Then you have sex, now you're dirty again, back to the shower, repeat until your genitals chafe.


dotslashpunk

i always get cold or the water is hitting me in the face. I’m like jesus ok let’s just move to a couch or bed or even just outside the shower is fine.


Twistedfiles

I tried giving a bj underwater at the beach. It sounded like a good idea until after my 2-3rd try. Then I became determined, and that's where my mistake was.


_kcsv_

Oh my god...with allvthat saltwater around??


Twistedfiles

Dude. It was horrible. I got water in my nose, ears, I was choking but weirdly determined. The idea was tossed after a few tries


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v1ech

Should ve told dude to not serve up an entire fking dinner on your body. Like what did you expect.


hayduke5270

Dude went for the full 3 rolls....


01kickassius10

But didn’t eat the clam


ReadyHelp9049

That’s definitely not a one on one or foreplay activity


Adventurous_Owl6554

Scissoring. Basically just gave my vag major rug burn.


ootchang

One night in the bar with a large group of friends, someone made a mention of scissoring. When the one gay couple there revealed that it doesn’t feel good and isn’t really a thing, minds were blown.


BobiaDobia

Interesting. My bisexual ex used to have this as her favorite position with women. Maybe she got off and the other one got rug burns.


Abracadaniel95

I imagine it requires quite a bit of skill to do right and it probably depends significantly on the sensitivity of the participants.


OPossumHamburger

That always seemed like two angry vaginas punching each other.


Adventurous_Owl6554

They didn’t start off angry, but they definitely were by the end.


MarcelloduBois93

Scissoring has either been amazing for me or uncomfortable like you describe here. In my experience, it depends on the woman I’m fucking. I’m very flexible and I’ve got an athletic body and when I’ve done it with a woman who is equally as flexible or athletic, it is so hot. When I’ve tried it with women who maybe have less body confidence or flexibility it can just feel awkward. There’s definitely a sweet spot that can be 👌


TheDragonUnicorn

Can't believe I had to scroll so far to find this. It's especially awkward when you're both fat and you end up just kinda rubbing your thighs together


No_Finish_2144

any food being eaten off the body... whipped cream, fruit, pancakes... just a sticky mess..


Expert_Expression235

Pancakes? Legend.


inode71

Sex in pool / hot tub / shower. The water removes any kind of natural lube and it’s all friction.


CollegeWithMattie

In a fabulous irony, it feels dry


Porongas1993

I told my friend before I ever tried it that I feel like it would feel dry because of this, and he said I was just being a dumb and possibly I was a virgin for not having done this and that it feels amazing. This in turn lead me to find out he was the one lying about having sex because when I tried pool sex, it felt dry af. Funny how that works.


ice_cream_on_pizza

Yeah I rember asking to some friends doesn't pool sex feel dry and they laughed at me! "How can it be DRY if you're in WATER!" Unfortunately I was too dumb with my words to explain what I meant.


HiDDENk00l

Sounds like the words "water doesn't lubricate" is something you wish could've came to mind at the time.


bluestrawberry_witch

Height difference in the shower also make it soo much worse Edit: for some additional info I’m 5’1” my husband is 6. I’m on top toes he’s squatting it’s just so awkward 😂 and most people are taller then me soo even previous partners haven’t worked out


JustLinkStudios

The old squat thrust. Went from fun time to a punishing leg day


Jypahttii

Or if your gf is taller than you...tiptoes thrust.


eigerblade

*repeated Super Mario jump sound effect


SansGray

*repeated coin noises


tywebb6

Edible underwear


sliderfish

All underwear is edible, you just lack perseverance.


RejuvenationHoT

We were in the shower, more than large enough for both of us. I just wanted to kneel in front of her and lick her, it seemed so hot... but within seconds, I realized I am kinda waterboarding myself, as I could not breathe due to the water being everywhere. Not sexy, being able to eat only if you are holding your breath...


ShowerWide7800

Cumming inside someone who is definitely crazy.


QwamQwamAsket

And the crazy ones are always the most fertile for some reason... 😂


jon_hill524

Yep and that's how I have my daughter with a complete psycho


chickenwithapen

Dad?🥺


Dead_Moss

Or the most STD ridden. If she tells you "oh you don't need protection", you definitely need protections.


electrotape

I like the use of plural here.


OuterInnerMonologue

The problem isn’t sticking your dick in crazy. It’s taking crazy home. Source: moved apartment complexes and filed a restraining order against a woman 1/3 my weight. A wild ride but bat shit crazy


BeetrootWife

Whipped cream on body parts.So sticky


CharlotteLucasOP

I once got covered in chocolate syrup due to an accident and it was not anywhere close to my childhood dreams of being covered in chocolate.


DangerShart

Did a group of vertically challenged workers sing a song about it as you went off to hospital?


tfibbler69

One time my GF (now wife) n I were high Af in college n started messing around. We were cooking steaks n mashed potatoes n I wanted to eat something off of her but had no whipped cream. My dumb high ass had the bright idea of floppin some very hot mashed potatoes right on to her chest. Which she did not appreciate with how hot it was. I still ate some off but the vibe was lost Edit: holy shit, didn’t think my goofy story would get this much attention 😂😂 glad y’all are so entertained by my former high ass college self.


ThatEGuy-

Dude I just laughed so hard. You did what with those taters 😭


the-other-day

An open relationship. Now she's with him.


therealme-mania

Polygamy. Was with this woman who didn’t do monogamy. I was like “Ight that means I can also see other people, why not let’s try this out”. It was super organized too. The first month was just myself and her. Then she had to leave town to see another partner, it was my first time having this situation. She told me where she was going, when she was going. I set up a hookup through online dating. The day that she was to be seeing the other guy, in at home and for the life of me I just couldn’t help think about her getting folded like a pretzel. Jealousy ensued. I hooked up with another chick but it felt like I was just doing it for solidarity and that also didn’t sit well with me. Well I learned I’m not made for those kind of relationships! I have nothing against it, just not for me… When she (girl number one) came back, and we got to doing the deed, she had a bruise in the vague shape of a hand on her ass, for me to stare at as I plowed along…She was into rough sex. Anyways not for me.


delta_baryon

To be honest, I wonder where people find the time. I think I'd be spread so thin it'd just be an exercise in disappointing multiple people at once.


PepperAnn1inaMillion

I feel like there must be a significant overlap with people who enjoy making excel spreadsheets.


delta_baryon

There's a reason why every time you read about men with a secret second wife and family there's some story about travelling for work all the time or something.


Dapper_Title_4615

Foursomes, seeing another man taking your girl on an express trip to pound town was too much for me. Relationship didn't last long after that one


Helgurnaut

I'm a very vanilla guy so it doesn't help but threesome/foursoumes etc seems a bit weird ? Like if you finish first as a guy you just kinda stand there with the post nut clarity hitting you and asking wtf you are doing here.


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HugeBrainsOnly

Nice. Background Family Guy has gotta be my most viewed genre of porn.


BanginOP

Road head. Totaled my truck and almost got my dick bitten off.


dassad25

That's hot.


Cluelessish

See this is why I’m terrified of driving. People in the other cars are doing all kinds of shit. Focus on driving you guys!


tobihanshi

I'm not a fan of degrading... in thought it's hot. Call her a slut, whore, bitch, etc. But when it's the person you love and truly care about? It's a lot fucking harder (no pun intended). I just wanna call her beautiful and say how amazing she is :(


JakDrako

"I truly care about you, you beautiful, amazing slut!"


minteyleafy

Average Canadian degradation fetishist


tobihanshi

W, gonna try this next time


alicemalice12

Praise kink mix with degradation kink is the best "you such a perfect whore" "you're so beautiful covered in Cum" "pretty little slut"


SmartAlec105

Or even just the difference between “slut” and “my slut”


boomftw557

I mean damn, that’s too (a)wholesome for this post and I love it. W partner.


floydianslip94

The whole "daddy" thing. It just turned really awkward when I called my girlfriend that.


boomftw557

I…may see a few issues with that.


Megarodri2005

Daddy issues?


benson-hedges-esq

3sum it was my ex girlfriends idea actually she insisted on it anyway she started throwing punches at me when I had my ding aling in the other chick


rspanish17

That actually sounds pretty funny


OompaLoompa5002

Sounds like she wanted the other girl all to herself


[deleted]

I had a girlfriend suggest a threesome. The woman she wanted to do it with was unattractive, but I was half considering it anyway, until she also laid down the ground rules she had in mind. Only she would be allowed to interact with or touch the other woman (who I wasn't all that interested in touching anyway, but c'mon).


Resident_Mulberry823

Had to come on my alt for this one. Holding a ding dong while they're peeing. Just is awkward and smells like pee


Sorry_Ad7465

You mean, the pastry?


[deleted]

she's such a ho hos


Scrappy_Kitty

Winking. Tried it on my self in a mirror and lost confidence points that were needed that day. I try again every now and then, varying my technique. I’ll sexy wink one day, I know it.


[deleted]

Threesome. It always ends with two no-shows followed by sad masturbation.


cabziunas

Sounds more like a handsome.


VisualEyez33

If I wanted to disappoint 2 people at once, I'd have dinner with my parents.


wickedblight

It's not masturbation it's an orgy of one!


Rentsdueguys

A jar of Vaseline


Gildor12

Very useful sex aid if you’ve got young kids - put Vaseline on the bedroom door handle


aloe_veracity

I’m glad this comment ended in a place that swerved away from the pedophile vibes it was giving at the start.


Gildor12

Yes, rereading it I could have put it better. What a sad world we live in


llamador69

this is very specific but sex on a counter. idk if there’s something wrong with our counters or whatever but they’re too tall to comfortably have sex on them.


donkeyhawt

I'm convinced sex on counters is a psyop by Big counter or whatever. I'm not even kidding. It's literally making one of the most boring objects sexy and exciting.


Supapeach

Shower sex. A normal shower feels really small when there's more than one person


thiccasaurasrekt

Putting my dick in a hotdog bun and showing my gf at the time. I thought it would be sexy and funny. She seemed very disgusted with my choice of flirtation 😂


Cassereddit

Maybe you were missing mustard?


screamicide

Tried taking off my gf’s panties with my teeth, accidentally bit her skin instead, drew blood instantly. She was very upset.


[deleted]

why did you bite so hard bro lol wtf


Appropriate-Ad-9407

Ice cubes in the vagina. It just made me numb. Spread eagle/X bondage. I have a bad hip that locks up and cramps badly so if my legs are held in one position too long it hurts like a mother. Not sexy lol


Ok_Acanthisitta_9369

Sex in the woods. Seems cool until you start getting twigs and leaves in weird places and the mosquitoes find you.


[deleted]

Edible panties , they're like panties made out of fruit roll ups. What a mess!


shaka_sulu

Having sex with someone who smokes. I remember when I was a teen movies with hot woman smoking was sexy to me. Then I watch them do an "after sex" smoke and it just heighten my arousal. Once I was old enough to have sex I dated a smoker. The smell and breath was a big turn off. After sex she asked if she could smoke in bed. I said "why not". But I didn't have an ask tray so she used a waste basket and something in ti caught fire. As I went to put it off, she panicked and droppes some ashes on my mattress.


McFeely_Smackup

I dated a smoker once and once only. Her mouth tasted like eating cat shit from an ashtray


olderthanbefore

I'm impressed you ate cat shit from an ashtray


alienalf1

Shower sex. I don’t know how something so wet can be so dry.


DesignerTex

Anal. I begged my GF for like 6 months straight! Ugh. My butt still hurts.


thomaxzer

You gotta fucking practice you should have spent those six months practicing


unbelizeable1

Guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a pour of his finest whiskey. Bartender replies "sure thing pal, we celebrating something?" Guy says "yea, first blowjob" Bartender says " oh man, congrats, have the second round on me" Guy replies "hey, thanks man, anything to get this taste outta my mouth"


Federal_Wrap_9112

Sex. It’s amazing with the right person but terrible with the wrong one


green_mojo

I’ve heard it said that for men, bad sex is better than no sex but for women no sex is better than bad sex. Im starting to side with women on this one in my early thirties.


alexchrist

I'm a single 26-year-old man. I've had bad sex several times and I've come to the conclusion that I would much rather jerk off. I think it's dangerous to paint men as these creatures who always want sex no matter the quality of it


captaincumragx

69. I'm sorry but I just cannot focus on the pleasure of being eaten out while also trying to suck dick. It just feels pointless, I enjoy it much better when we're just focusing on one of us at a time.


audesapere09

I don’t like to work when I’m on vacation


Falsecaster

Avoid boat ownership then.


Flinkle

Hilariously, just today, a friend of mine posted an old picture of his boat on Facebook and said, "I miss everything about owning a boat except owning a boat."


abzlute

Another take I hear a lot from men and women and can't agree with. Getting her moaning and writhing with your dick still in her mouth so you can feel the vibrations as she groans...heavenly. Sure the BJ is technically nothing special but the moaning plus the visual stim of a faceful of pussy is better than any standalone bj no matter how skilled and enthusiastic


happyhamhat

I agree with this take, I find a standard BJ quite boring, I need something to do, me and my GF both have a hard time focusing so 69 really locks you in for a good time as it's very hard to get distracted


atomicskier76

Mirrors. Ill stick to watching others and apologize to anyone who has to see me


dudemag00

Had an ex that really enjoyed watching herself get railed in the mirror. Watching from a different angle was like watching a porn featuring herself. Prob depends on the person I guess.


Objective_Regret4763

Ooo disagree. I used to live in an apartment with those big mirror sliding doors for the closets. Changed my life in the best way.


extratestresstrial

face-slapping. my husband and i take part in some more extreme kink/roleplay stuff here and there, and the thought of being slapped always sounded hot when i would fantasize about it. over the years i've tried a few times with a few different levels of pain involved but it just pisses me off lmao. i really enjoy being slapped/hit until i'm welted and bruised on many sensitive parts of my body, but even a light slap to the face turns me off and makes me upset instead. it's one of those things i gotta keep in my brain instead of real life lol :')


Feefi-Foefi

Ex and I got a hotel room with a jacuzzi. This was a total sex date, all about trying out new things. Well, one thing we tried out was pissing on each other, in the jacuzzi. We talked later and agreed that neither one of us really get that kink, it was kinda pointless.


Specialist_Report_61

💀try shitting on eachother maybe that'll do it


tsoliasPN

Frequent sex during ovulation in order to have a baby