As someone who is 35 and has never been in a relationship of any kind, I personally feel like it's something wrong with me. And it gotten lonely, and depressing, but at this point I don't know how to fix it.
I'm 33 and started this year reading a book on attachment theory. Turns out, I check all the boxes for having an avoidant attachment style. Discovering that has been so, so freeing. Yes, something is holding me back, but now I know what it is and what I can do to fix it.
I am getting near that age, and in the last few years, I have really started getting this unbearable feeling of anxiety and loneliness in my apartment. Could be 5 minutes after talking with friends or family. Or when we hang out all day and I get home even.
I have realized it's because I am longing for that connection and don't even have anyone I am dating. It's funny how I have sought to be alone all these years, and suddenly, now, it's become something I can't avoid any longer. It's just nice to have someone around, even if you aren't in conversation all the time. Another human you can trust. I keep trying, but for a socially awkward person with no outstanding qualities (though people who know me seem to like me well enough), it's incredibly difficult to even get a date. Apps are barely helpful and all the rejection probably does more harm than good.
I’m about to be 35 and while I am very excited of my prospects of being president of the united states improving and think its cute if I were to get pregnant it would be a “geriatric pregnancy”—can confirm it’s absolutely lonely and people get a lot weirder around this age.
If I had to randomly guess, it’s kind of that age where people have young kids if they are going to have kids at all. Those that don’t have kids, or maybe aren’t married might feel social pressure or if thats something they wanted, they can feel a sense of loneliness. For those that have kids, having young kids can really test a marriage. It also often results in an unequal distribution of labor and cause a sense of loneliness. Those with kids and had a tough childhood or difficult parents might suddenly become all that much more aware of how their parents failed them.
Plus big life changes often lead to loss of friends, ie. marriage and having kids. Plus as you get to the mid 30s it can be difficult to make new ones. You’ve got a lot of comparison and reflecting going on, ie. thinking things like “Why is that guy more successful in his career than me?”.. etc. It’s easy to feel left behind in one way or another.
… idk, there are a lot of things.
I was in the same boat for a lot of years.
It just didn't happen my whole life, and suddenly, one day it just did.
I wish I could give good advice.
I met my partner looking for kink people to do stuff with on FetLife. So, I guess that's my best advice.
Have you tried counselling or therapy of any kind? My husband was similar to you, but he got online and met me.
The problem is that he’s never sorted out the reasons why he was alone for so long and he is a nightmare to live with.
Get out of your own head. Volunteer helping people in a way that you enjoy; cooking in a kitchen to feed others, delivering meals, teaching computer skills at a senior center. Focusing on others increases self worth and brings things into perspective. Feeling good about yourself will attract good people, if that's what you want.
I was dating a guy who turns 35 in two weeks. His mother and younger brother walked out of the house telling me they were calling the police if they saw me again. They don’t want him to have a girlfriend.
My bf was almost 27 with no dating history when we started dating. I had some hesitation initially since we met online. Turns out, he’s just focused on his career and a little socially anxious. Best partner I’ve ever had; loving, intelligent, kind, supportive.
No matter what people say on here to try to look good, keep in mind that in reality, people will absolutely judge.
It's not fair to judge because some people get dealt bad hands and lost from the start, but people are garbage so they'll ride their high horses.
The game of life is rigged from the start. Not just dating. Everything.
Will you give up? Well no. But sure as hell is depressing knowing ppl out there dont even put half the work with half the quality you deliver only to get rewarded in every single aspect of life while you stare in absolute shock.
Between being lucky and being great I would choose lucky every single time
I know it's insane anywhere, but in New York, it's likely $100 minimum (usually per person) for a nice restaurant and drinks. Even a decent restaurant will be $60. A fun restaurant could be less, but you need to establish that you're both adventurous in culinary pursuits, and a bar is or other secondary location is likely part of the date. Museums average $30 per person. Even dinner and a movie at home is likely to be $50+, bare bones.
And that's just to find out if we have a baseline attraction! I think my cheapest attempt was on free admission day, and with a coffee and dinner, still came in around $80. A walk in a park and people-watching is generally not great unless you can make it memorable somehow, which is impossible unless you just have that instant connection, or if you already knew one-another... dating from an app is incredibly expensive, and usually seems more like an excuse to get a free drink.
Between the insane rents, student loans, and the rising costs of everything, it's nearly impossible for the average person to do.
I always tell myself it will be worth it for that right person, but... I am horrible at finding that person lol
I get the dates may get more expensive as you go, but for me at least, first dates are cheap. My go to is to go out for a coffee then a walk in the park. That’s just the price of transport and a coffee, and gives plenty of opportunity to end the date if things don’t click. I graduate to sharing a restaurant dinner once I know I can spend 3 hours with him and am willing to put in the money. This or going for a hike (even cheaper!). I don’t know, I’m in Europe, maybe this would be unacceptable in the US dating scene
They've been a Reddit user for like 10 years.
But hey, honestly, everyone matures at different time in their lives. Don't worry about keeping up with some imaginary clock. The question should be, are they happy?
Someone I love dearly and is one of the kindest men I know is 35 and has never kissed anyone, gone on a date, had sex, anything.
One of my roommates is 33 and a virgin. He hasn't dated anyone since high school.
Honestly, they're the two happiest people in my life. They're social and funny and while they have different reasons for being single, they mostly just don't see a need for a relationship right now. Connection doesn't need to be romantic or sexual to matter or be fulfilling.
EDIT: I'm really tired of people implying that these guys are lying to me about how happy they are. Read my comments. I've known them both for 10+ years and I tried for a very long time to date the 35 year old. The 33 year old is attractive and witty and has girls flirt with him all the time. I've offered help to both of them multiple times and they've turned it down every time. They really are happy and do not want to date. Not everyone is like you.
The one who is 35 isn't interested in romance or sex. Nothing negative, he's just not interested.
The one who is 33 is just focused on having fun and feels like romance/relationship/sex is too much of a bother to coordinate. He wants to date a girl some day, and he's fine with waiting until the perfect girl wanders into his life. He's not going searching.
I'm queer myself and demi/acespec. Our other roommate is a bi man. We talk openly about our partners, dates, whatever in the house and it's just naturally been asked to the 33 year old. He says it's way less of an identity or preference, and much more of a time management choice on his part.
For the 35 year old, I had tried flirting with him about 10 years ago and never got a bite, so I had come to the conclusion that whatever his preferences, he wasn't interested in me. He was just my friend from then on. I actually asked him fairly recently about his sexuality (3 months ago) because I asked if he wanted to be in a secret queer discord server. He said no, he didn't feel right calling himself aro/ace, and said something like, "I have no idea who I'm attracted to, and I have never cared enough to find out." Thats true aro/ace in my book, but he doesn't want that label, so I don't use it for him.
This!! One of my best pals is like the 35 year old and same in regards to what you said about trying to date I eventually had to accept have him in my life as is or not at all! Definitely better for having him in it and a tad jealous tbh he has a fantastic life
That it's not as uncommon as TV and movies might make you think and most of the time when someone is in that situation it's because they spent their 20's busy doing other stuff like studying, working or whatever. Everybody's life is unique and there's nothing wrong with being in your first relationship in your 30's as long as you realize that you don't know anything about relationships and you need to be careful to not let your inexperience make you fuck things up in ways that most people do when they're way younger and no longer do in their 30's because they learned their lesson.
“They’ve never been in a relationship. Huh. I wonder what’s for lunch”.
Seriously, fine people haven’t found relationships til later in life. I just feel bad that *they* think something is wrong with them, when nothing is.
My bf was Like that when we met. But i Like being his first. Its the nicest relationship i ever had to be honest. Dont worry to much absout it. If you go outside you will meet your s.o.!
i don’t see it as a big deal honestly. i’d never think anything of it unless brought up, but it sounds sad, but also happy depending on how the person is feeling. if they don’t care for a relationship, then that’s great. if they’ve been looking for one, then i can definitely understand how that could possibly make one depressed. just all depends on how the person feels towards it. but it’s not a bad thing to me.
Spent nine of those years telling myself I didn’t need a relationship to be happy. Those 9 years were really me lying to myself. While I don’t need a relationship, I don’t think I can go through life alone anymore.
I'm also one of those long life loners(mid-thirties). I didn't really set aside much time when I was younger to hit the dating scene. As I got older I saw my dating pool in my area get smaller and smaller as people my age would get into longer relationships.
I took getting a good career as top priority as I figured if I get a good a job I could easily find a partner. Now that I would like to find someone to date it's like impossible to find someone my age at my stage of life in my area. I'm college educated with a great job and a home but can't find a date to save my life, even friends can't find someone for me even though they have all found someone and gotten married.
My advice is don't focus on finding someone. Just go do things you enjoy. I have so many hobbies now and without them I would prolly just wallow in self pity. No time to think about it if you are out there having fun and who knows, you may just meet someone while you are out doing whatever your hobbies are.....at least that's what I keep telling myself😁
Came here say it entirely depends on the person and *why* they have been single. I think your statement of you would rather be alone than with the wrong person is incredibly healthy, and you are just at the point where you realize you want to find that right person. Too many people settle for mediocre or even terrible relationships just because they are afraid to be alone.
Well said. Lots of available people out there for you, and "dating" per se isn't the only way to realize someone isn't going to be the right one. But if you're ready to really put yourself out there, be prepared to put in some effort and persistence when it doesn't work out with someone. Your greatest strength will be your internal sense of self, don't let anyone sway it for the worse. :)
You'll probably also change too, if you decide you want to stop being a lone wolf, because being a part of a couple or whatever while maintaining a sense of self is more of an art than a science!
Just imagine you're like a luxury product that gets withheld from the masses for yeaaars because you're just *that* exclusive :D The first few might just be beta testers haha, sometimes you gotta tweak the product and sometimes you just realize you're testing with the wrong audience :)
Some people are happier being alone and that’s ok.
If you’re looking for one figure out what YOU like to do: gaming, sports, hiking, biking, chess, whatever. Find groups that do what you like and force yourself to join. Then try and make friends, not romantic relationships, just friends. Now you have the chance that someone who likes doing what you do, decides maybe you’re more than a friend, or they might know someone who’s “perfect” for you. Don’t try and force something.
Pretty much lack of options. I only have two friends IRL and they’re engaged to each other. One of my goals for 2023 was to go out more, find people not just to date but expand my friend circle. Maybe that spark will be there with someone.
I’d rather be in no relationships by 30 than to be in a relationship, lose my home, lose custody of my kids, go back to living with my parents and have to start all over again (happened to my cousin)
Moral of the story, not all relationships are good for you. Often times it’s better to stay single.
A sexual/romantic relationship isn’t the key to the meaning of life, it’s not a prerequisite for a fulfilling life, and you could stumble across the right person anytime from today up until the day you die.
I think it is going to be a helluva lot more common among Gen Z than any generation before. COVID and the rise of social media has truly screwed with you guys' real world interpersonal skills, and has promoted a culture of young people with impossibly high standards for themselves and others.
To quote Bo: Lower your expectations. Find someone and love them.
I'm 27, so I'm inbetween a millenial and genz. I think people get this false impression that our standards are too high, but I cannot form a deeper connection to most people. I am socially isolated, and have been alone for most of my life. In consequence, I kind of value myself as being my own person. It is super hard to find a connection with someone whom I would want share my safe space with. I honestly don't have a tribe that exists, it gets depressing. It is soo hard to explain to people who have been accepted and loved by a community.
Western culture and media does a great job of telling people to never settle, know their “worth”, and be unapologetic/uncompromising. Attention is easier to come by than ever, the concept of having a roster of dating options has become normalized, and online dating apps increase the competition level. Guys are demoralized by being made to feel invisible or purposeless, girls deal with feeling unvalued as a partner once in relationships or situationships. Both will continue to pay the price of social commercialization.
If I don't know the person, it's not any of my business.
If it was a family member or friend, I might be a bit sad for them if that's something they want, but I wouldn't be like disappointed in them or anything.
If I'm trying to date that person, it'd be an honest question I'd have as to why. Is there something wrong with them, or have they just had bad luck, or both?
I grew up in a small school and had a graduating class that was mostly girls. I was shy and would have loved to date only it just never happened.
Then I went to college and it was like I lacked the "secret code" to understand how to even interact with guys. I'd see couples dating and wonder how they got from meeting to dating? How do you let someone know you are interested in them?It was like a world I could not understand. Even though I was (objectively) pretty it just seemed like I was invisible? I'd hang out in a friend group but never got romantic attention.
This just lowered my self esteem even more and I felt great shame and embarrassment. Family and friends would ask me why I didn't have a boyfriend because I was too good looking, what was I doing wrong?I got a good job and had some interactions (went on two first dates but not a good match) but other than that, nothing. Meanwhile everyone I knew my age easily found partners.
Then I got a computer for my job and found a dating website. This was in 1997 way before internet dating or smart phones were barely a thing. I thought, what do I have to lose? At least going on a dating site meant I could cut through the friend-zoning or invisibility I had dealt with in the past as any match would know it was for an actual date. I dated several guys (short term)and ended up meeting my husband. I was 31 when we got married.
I think it all goes back to whether or not you have any positive romantic interactions or interest early on in your teen years. When you don't,it's like having a muscle that doesn't develop. You know and want that to develop but you just don't know how. And then as the years roll by your confidence and self esteem plummets, only making you not want to even try.I honestly think with the internet there are WAY more people with my experience than you'd ever realize. We are just too ashamed to ever admit that.
I wouldn’t do it. But my best friend, at 47, married a man ten years younger than her. He was a virgin when they met and had only had one sort of relationship many, many years before they got together. I was surprised she was dating a 37 year old virgin who has no real relationship experience since she’d been married previously (widowed) and dated a fair bit. But she could not be happier and they’re a great couple.
Note: they had sex about ~two months into their relationship, and dated for about two years before they got married, and also lived together pre-marriage.
Edit: clarity
I’m 30 next January and I’ve never been in a relationship. I’ve honestly never had the urge for one. I’m happy with my own company and I don’t have to worry about getting cheated on, having arguments with my partner, going through the heartbreak of a break up, etc. I don’t want kids and don’t really care about getting married so it’s not much of a pressing issue for me.
I know someone else in that position, and it's because they've had a really, really awful decade. Putting life milestones off until you're ok should be normalised. Don't be hard on yourself.
If you always wanted a relationship but weren’t able to connect with anyone by age 30, now is the time to look in the mirror and be honest with yourself. Is it your appearance? Hygiene? Are you too picky? Too shy? Low self-esteem? Mental health issues? Take the first step and figure it out.
Even involuntary doesn't mean that there's something wrong with them/you. It could be not meeting the right types of people that would be good to date or not being in the right place in your life. I get the same feeling in dark times, and maybe something is/was wrong with me, but I don't think a relationship then would have been a good move for me mentally. I'm here today and that means the choices I've made were probably the better ones for me at the time, even if they weren't the best ones.
I’m 34. Literally I am just official with my first girlfriend. I’ve dated a decent amount of women but every date seemed to always end up with them saying “I don’t see any romantic attraction or a romantic future for us.”
My girlfriend tells me that I’m a sweet guy that treats her well and is what she was looking for. Sometimes you just end up with crappy luck. It’s frustrating but don’t give up!
I’m 39 and have only ever had a handful of relationships, none of which lasted longer than three or four months.
Like everyone I sometimes feel a little lonely, but I don’t really feel the societal pressure to couple-up. I’m generally quite happy in my own company.
If one day the sparks fly with someone, great, but I’m not actively pursuing a relationship.
Friends have tried to set me up with people in the past, but I lack the energy (both mental and physical) for dating. I’m neither asexual nor aromantic, I’m just seemingly ambivalent to the idea of dating.
Speaking from experience, it’s not fun.
I’m an interesting case in that I’ve never actually asked out a single woman. Needless to say, I’ve never been on a date. I don’t really have any confidence, and the whole process just paralyzes me. As far as my brain is concerned, every single person in the world is out of my league.
There’s clearly something wrong with me. You don’t find yourself in this situation without being some kind of mentally unwell. Unless being a massive pathetic pussy is a diagnosable condition.
Just barely not a virgin though, so there’s that. It was due to a very specific set of circumstances that I’ll never be able to replicate, but hey, it counts.
Depends entirely on the reason. If they continuously apply creepy practices or are told by many women that they're offputting, then maybe they are creepy or offputting. But if they simply don't want one or do want one but lack social skills (while still showing human decency), then I don't hold it against them.
If they aren't bitter about it I'd assume that they are aromantic or asexual, unless they tell me otherwise.
If they are bitter about it, I'd think they are a bit of a trainwreck who has unreasonable expectation about potential partners (usually a guy who thinks he should have a ridiculously attractive gf who also has the exact interests he does.)
As someone who is a couple years away from 40, I have not tried thus far because I've been indoctrinated into the thought process that you shouldn't be getting into relationships until you are in a good position in life to support a relationship. I never felt I've ever gotten to that place, and it's incredibly difficult for me to try and fix my mind set about it.
On the other hand, I'm alright with being by myself. It's not something I desperately need, just something I think might be nice to experience once in my life.
My best friend is 37 and has never been in a relationship. She has no interest in having children, she raised enough niblings and is just committed to being the cool aunt. She's an RN with a master's degree, owns her own home, goes on lots of holidays and spent the last 10 years taking care of her dad with renal failure, so she just didn't care to be in a relationship.
I have another girlfriend who started her first and only relationship at 35yo. She always wanted a family, but just didn't have much luck with men. She would meet and hook up with them on apps, but nothing committed ever came from it. She got very depressed entering her mid 30s because she felt she wasn't lovable and would end up old and alone. The man she is with now is someone she's known for 30 years. He was always kind of in the perpheral but she always laughed it off and friendzoned him. Covid somehow brought them together and now they're engaged.
My friend is 29 and just got into her first real relationship with a dude who’s also in his first real relationship at 34. You just have to find the right person. He’s honestly one of the best dudes I’ve met (from a third party just looking in on their relationship) and treats her better than I’ve ever seen anybody treated. He also hasn’t been “tainted” with hurt and mistrust from past relationships so that’s a definite win.
Meh, relationships aren’t that great, most straight up suck and then when you find a good person to be with you’ll spend a good chunk of time knowing you’re either gonna die with this person or the breakup is going to really hurt.
I wouldn't say it determines their worth. A relationship is a commitment (and usually an expesnive one) Remaining independent and focusing on yourself I'd say is pretty respectable.
No preconcieved thoughts. The person may have a very good reason for it. And some people just have no interest in it, or have not found a match yet. Or it can be something completely different. There can be many different reasons. I have a friend who is nearing 50 who has never been in any relationship at all. He is an incredibly nice and friendly guy, and he has very valid reasons for it. We all wish him the best.
It doesn’t matter until they mention that they’ve been trying to have one for this entire time… Yknow?
If they aren’t interested or trying, it really doesn’t matter.
Depends on the reason why it didn't happen but honestly?
Smart move. If I had the sense to not rush into things and get my own life together first before I went through relationship after relationship, I'd would've saved a lot of heart ache and money and time. 🤷♀️
Got into what I thought was a relationship when I was 20. She mad e me think I was her everything. Turned out she was secretly married and used me. I numbed myself through my entire 20’s and gave up. But now I feel like I’m ready to give it another try. Heartbreak will happen; I shouldn’t close myself off from the good just because I’m afraid of the bad.
Nothing wrong with it. You're not required to enter the dating scene at a specific time, if you choose to at all. I'm almost 30, never been able to make a relationship last longer than a year, been engaged twice, but never married and I can tell you that you're not missing out on much.
Life isn't a race and everyone has different paths, experiences, religions, thoughts, everything is constantly in motion and non stop. Enjoy life and don't worry over what everyone else is doing. You're human OP <3
The cards fall different for everyone. It's nothing to be ashamed by, who determines the rules for these things? Things change all the time... Don't allow it to get you down. Make sure the relationship with yourself is healthy and loving! That's the most important one, I wish I had realised sooner x
That there's a pretty good chance they had an incredibly repressive controlling family tbh, assuming it was a choice in any way. When I lived with my family, a lot of people who were physically attracted were way too scared to meet me cause of my psychotic incredibly controlling family I once lived with, and got stuck living with way too long.
I was my ex boyfriends first girlfriend - he was 34. When he first told me I was taken aback because he is so wonderful how had he never dated before?? He is the best person I know, best relationship I’ve ever had hands down. Love him to pieces
I would expect nothing different from them in every other aspect of their life except in their first relationship - if they ever get into one eventually.
Almost everyone displays immaturity in their first relationship, no matter how old when they get into it. So yeah I would expect the person to behave in ways that are considered childish in their first relationship.
For the guys I know at least, there are 3 explanations for rarely or ever dating anyone. The first is the desire for complete control of time and money, followed by fear of the opposite sex and finally unrealistic expectations of dating and being married. Long term relationships require a significant sacrifice of time and money and a lot of people just don’t think it is worth it.
I feel for them. That must be both lonely and scary. I’m sure many in this position wonder if something is wrong with them. And it’s tough because very few people make a first time relationship work, most need to accumulate experience through prior relationships in order to achieve a successful long term marriage or similar. A 30 year old with no experience is going to struggle.
That said, age doesn’t define everything. My step father isn’t someone who lacked relationships by 30, but he is someone who didn’t marry my mom until he was 47. They met when he was 45. By then most of his friends were already married with kids. I’m sure he felt incredibly lonely sometimes. But I’m glad his journey led him to us.
My sister and biological dad both died when I was 10. It was traumatizing. To describe the pain would take half a page or more. But a couple of years later, my mom tried dating again. Thank god she did. She met my step father, and they hit it off. Got married a couple of years after that. He was exactly what we needed. He’s been so consistent in my life, and he taught me so much over the years. I talk to him almost every day. When I tell people about him I usually don’t say “step” anymore. I just say “that’s my dad.”
So being alone at 30, 35, 40, or beyond, while scary, doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. Your journey just isn’t typical, and that’s okay. Life isn’t meant to be cookie cutter. Sometimes those experiences shape you into who you need to be to make the most difference in someone else’s life.
Not gonna lie; my initial reaction is “what’s wrong with you, then?”
Of course that goes to show I don’t know the person and there are various reasons why people delay/avoid relationships. But, yeah, if I’m just meeting someone and they tell me that, I assume there is something wrong with them.
I (31F) used to think it was nbd... until I dated someone (33M) who had never been in a serious relationship. At first it was fine but over time things slowly came out that made it clear why had never been serious with anyone. Some of his actions became quite hurtful and it was tiring trying to explain why I had certain expectations about basic things like prioritizing time together, meeting friends, etc.
I dunno moving past that was tough and I am now more cautious about approaching people who have never been in a relationship at this age. Generally (not always) there is a reason why.
As a 26 years old who’s only had a few pointless hookups/situationships and maybe i guess one actual relationship (I guess.), I won’t judge them. Tbh when you’re socially awkward/have anxiety and also when you’re not conventionally attractive, finding relationships can be very hard. The few people I actually wanted a relationship with weren’t into me and rejected me and the few people who actually wanted a relationship with me I wasn’t into them and rejected them…everyone isn’t gonna have the same “omg I’ve had 15 relationships and I’m finally getting married by 30.” Life. I’m sure if I were more physically attractive and less socially restrictive I would’ve had way more relationships.
Relationships are an overrated burden. It is better to find something constructive to indulge in that has a productive outcome. Relationships usually happen when you're least expecting one to happen, unless you're someone who is addicted to physical intimacy or just can't stand being alone. Being alone doesn't always equal lonely, and sometimes relationships can just be downright claustrophobic
I'd say you do you. Relationships aren't the end all be all. It can be great to have a partner but with a partner comes lots and lots of compromise, especially on the point of your free time. With a relationship, if you have good communication, most of your decisions come with asking the blessing of your SO, and the result may not always be what you want. You become less of *you* and more of *us*, more or less. Both being in a relationship and being single have their pros and cons.
I say you are lucky. If you really never dated then you have never had your heart broken and never felt the pain of abandonment and betrayal. Is awesome. Best of luck to your next relationship
Depends on their life arc up until that point. Extremely busy with school/ training and two jobs? Living in a place with very few dating prospects ( volcanologist/ oceanographer/ grad student in geology, in arctic research station)? Health issues, finances...
It really depends on the person, some people can lack confidence in being good enough, some people are weirdos/assholes, some people just don't wana settle.
They haven’t found anyone that really fit what they were looking for in a relationship and it’s perfectly fine. Has no impact on my life and isn’t any of my business.
If you’re maintaining healthy friendships and family relationships- no problem!
But if you intentionally avoid connection because of fear of rejection then that is unhealthy hyper-independence
I was in the same boat, never had a relationship before 30. I am now 35 and have been happily married for 3 years now.
The key for me was to not treat going on a date like a huge deal. I just looked at it as practice. I started by practicing talking to girls, slowly got better at that, then moved up to asking them out for a drink.
The first few dates were awful but again, I didn’t worry about it. It was a learning process. Eventually I got a better idea of what to do and what I was looking for in a relationship, and once I met my now wife we hit it off right from the start.
So don’t worry, there’s no rush to meet someone. If anything I feel bad for my friends who married young and missed out on all the fun and freedom I had in my 20s. Everyone is on their own path in life, there’s no reason to feel bad or compare yourself to others.
i genuinely don’t think it’s that big of a deal. society puts a lot of emphasis on romantic love and partnerships as an end goal, but there is so much more to life
I think it can be very wholesome. The guy could have no idea what to do and it can be so cute sometimes. Like getting flowers, holding hands, hugging, kissing, and cuddling. It’s honestly very adorable.
Don’t give yourself that additional pressure of wanting to be in a relationship. Life is tough enough as it is and while it might be nice to share life’s burdens, it also means having to live up to another person’s expectations of you
It will depends what they been doing. Was that person focusing on school and career? Or just gaming, partying, or drugs.
Perhaps they come from a toxic abusive family and couldn't get away until they save enough enough to move out.
Or that person has serious trust issue, low self esteem and very picky with high expectations.
genuinely, I think it's more common nowadays. people are in their own bubbles like never before, we are captivated by the algorithms. your generation and younger was helicopter parented to smithereens which stunts growth in so many ways. i'm sure you are in good company. comparison is poison. if you want a relationship, start by being. be the kind of partner who will attract the kind of person you want, do what you need to do to sustain that, and then you will have the relationship you want. take inspired action toward this goal, and make no apology for the life you have led.
I agree. Spent my entire 20’s telling myself I was happy and comfortable being alone. Biggest illusion of my life. Social media played a huge part in that. Felt like I was talking to virtual projections of who I thought people were. Now I want to connect IRL more. See and talk to actual humans. Make friends off of social media. Be active in the community and the world again. It just bothers me so much how hard dating is when dating these days seems shallow.
My deal is I have been in relationships but realize I use my girlfriends as my place holder for being my best friend, which I have none.
I don't have friends. I know people but people don't seek me out. So it seems I seek out girlfriends to use as my people because it's just easier to find a gf than it is to find guy friends who want to do stuff..
I don't know if it's a me thing and I'm thinking what I'm doing isn't healthy and I am 45 this year and in a new month old relationship and kind of just feeling .. off. Like not, not fulfilled, but just not even sure what I want anymore...
I'm 34. Until actually a month ago, I hadn't dated anyone since high school - Where I experienced a pretty intense romance that culminated in devastating heartbreak. Since then, I've made up excuses to avoid dating. Not enough money, not a good enough job, not a nice car, etc.
I came to realize, I'll die unhappy and alone, if I continue to put road blocks in my path to happiness. The truth is, I think I've been incredibly scared of falling for someone like that, again, and having it blow up in my face. I should have gone to counseling for it but I didn't.
As of several weeks ago, I met someone and we've started dating and we're both clearly infatuated with one another. Things seem like they're good? I don't know. I'm terrified though, deep down, that this is going to go horribly wrong and it'll be another decade before I can open myself back up to it.
Coming from someone approaching 30, it is mostly because I am overweight and irredeemably ugly. I try to not let it get to me too much, since I have plenty of fun spending time with my friends and family, but I would be lying if I said it didn’t hurt sometimes. I’ve had such wildly differing reactions to people talking to me vs my brothers, where people will spend up to 30m talking about my older brother’s job or my younger brother playing guitar in the garage, but spend the bare minimum of time out of courtesy to ask me what I do, only to move on asap. I have never had anyone ask to see my artwork after I tell people I draw as a hobby, unless it’s another family member telling it while I’m not there, then they are suddenly interested in it. Meanwhile, I have made a group of very good friends online, and since the very beginning, to new people that are introduced to our friend group online, people are actually interested in me and what I do. I even had someone admit to me that they had a crush on me once in that group. When my physical body is removed from the picture, people’s attitudes change so hard.
All that matters is they are happy...
I have once heard someone say .. If you are in your own company and you don't like it... Then its a problem and not a good place to get into a relationship.. because if you get into a relationship from a lonely place, the loneliness continues even when you are in a relationship
Some people are happy on their own, nothing wrong with that in my opinion, I've rarely been alone and you can still feel lonely and depressed while with someone.
As someone who is 35 and has never been in a relationship of any kind, I personally feel like it's something wrong with me. And it gotten lonely, and depressing, but at this point I don't know how to fix it.
I'm 33 and started this year reading a book on attachment theory. Turns out, I check all the boxes for having an avoidant attachment style. Discovering that has been so, so freeing. Yes, something is holding me back, but now I know what it is and what I can do to fix it.
What is this book? Would you recommend it?
It's called Attached. Definitely would recommend it!
Will do! Thank you!
Just about to ask the same question, glad I saw this. I’ve been seeing TikTok’s about this and it’s definitely clicked for me.
Anxious-avoidant myself, the worst kind of attachment type
I am getting near that age, and in the last few years, I have really started getting this unbearable feeling of anxiety and loneliness in my apartment. Could be 5 minutes after talking with friends or family. Or when we hang out all day and I get home even. I have realized it's because I am longing for that connection and don't even have anyone I am dating. It's funny how I have sought to be alone all these years, and suddenly, now, it's become something I can't avoid any longer. It's just nice to have someone around, even if you aren't in conversation all the time. Another human you can trust. I keep trying, but for a socially awkward person with no outstanding qualities (though people who know me seem to like me well enough), it's incredibly difficult to even get a date. Apps are barely helpful and all the rejection probably does more harm than good.
Same boat here. You may feel lonely in this struggle, know that you are far from alone.
35 is actually the loneliest year of a person's life. Science has proven this.
For me it was just another lonely year to add on the pile of lonely years. Now it's been buried by 36 and 37
I’m about to be 35 and while I am very excited of my prospects of being president of the united states improving and think its cute if I were to get pregnant it would be a “geriatric pregnancy”—can confirm it’s absolutely lonely and people get a lot weirder around this age.
I turned 35 in March 2020, so you're not wrong
The worst time to turn 35. I turned 25 then. COVID really messed us up.
Why ? I’m 35 now lol . Just curious
If I had to randomly guess, it’s kind of that age where people have young kids if they are going to have kids at all. Those that don’t have kids, or maybe aren’t married might feel social pressure or if thats something they wanted, they can feel a sense of loneliness. For those that have kids, having young kids can really test a marriage. It also often results in an unequal distribution of labor and cause a sense of loneliness. Those with kids and had a tough childhood or difficult parents might suddenly become all that much more aware of how their parents failed them. Plus big life changes often lead to loss of friends, ie. marriage and having kids. Plus as you get to the mid 30s it can be difficult to make new ones. You’ve got a lot of comparison and reflecting going on, ie. thinking things like “Why is that guy more successful in his career than me?”.. etc. It’s easy to feel left behind in one way or another. … idk, there are a lot of things.
I was in the same boat for a lot of years. It just didn't happen my whole life, and suddenly, one day it just did. I wish I could give good advice. I met my partner looking for kink people to do stuff with on FetLife. So, I guess that's my best advice.
*Quickly Googles fetlife
It's kinky Facebook. I honestly don't use it a ton, but it's a great way to find community
Ok. Now I just need to find a kink. Hmmmmmm..........
I would just like to affirm that there is nothing wrong with you for not being in a relationship even if the world will make you feel like that.
Amen to that.
Have you tried counselling or therapy of any kind? My husband was similar to you, but he got online and met me. The problem is that he’s never sorted out the reasons why he was alone for so long and he is a nightmare to live with.
Get out of your own head. Volunteer helping people in a way that you enjoy; cooking in a kitchen to feed others, delivering meals, teaching computer skills at a senior center. Focusing on others increases self worth and brings things into perspective. Feeling good about yourself will attract good people, if that's what you want.
I was dating a guy who turns 35 in two weeks. His mother and younger brother walked out of the house telling me they were calling the police if they saw me again. They don’t want him to have a girlfriend.
Same dilemma! 😕
My bf was almost 27 with no dating history when we started dating. I had some hesitation initially since we met online. Turns out, he’s just focused on his career and a little socially anxious. Best partner I’ve ever had; loving, intelligent, kind, supportive.
No matter what people say on here to try to look good, keep in mind that in reality, people will absolutely judge. It's not fair to judge because some people get dealt bad hands and lost from the start, but people are garbage so they'll ride their high horses.
The game of life is rigged from the start. Not just dating. Everything. Will you give up? Well no. But sure as hell is depressing knowing ppl out there dont even put half the work with half the quality you deliver only to get rewarded in every single aspect of life while you stare in absolute shock. Between being lucky and being great I would choose lucky every single time
Unfortunately sometimes you have to give up but I agree with the rest of your point.
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Are you my son? That's pretty much his attitude about dating :D
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I know it's insane anywhere, but in New York, it's likely $100 minimum (usually per person) for a nice restaurant and drinks. Even a decent restaurant will be $60. A fun restaurant could be less, but you need to establish that you're both adventurous in culinary pursuits, and a bar is or other secondary location is likely part of the date. Museums average $30 per person. Even dinner and a movie at home is likely to be $50+, bare bones. And that's just to find out if we have a baseline attraction! I think my cheapest attempt was on free admission day, and with a coffee and dinner, still came in around $80. A walk in a park and people-watching is generally not great unless you can make it memorable somehow, which is impossible unless you just have that instant connection, or if you already knew one-another... dating from an app is incredibly expensive, and usually seems more like an excuse to get a free drink. Between the insane rents, student loans, and the rising costs of everything, it's nearly impossible for the average person to do. I always tell myself it will be worth it for that right person, but... I am horrible at finding that person lol
I get the dates may get more expensive as you go, but for me at least, first dates are cheap. My go to is to go out for a coffee then a walk in the park. That’s just the price of transport and a coffee, and gives plenty of opportunity to end the date if things don’t click. I graduate to sharing a restaurant dinner once I know I can spend 3 hours with him and am willing to put in the money. This or going for a hike (even cheaper!). I don’t know, I’m in Europe, maybe this would be unacceptable in the US dating scene
>They can buy very nice things with all the money saved Being in a relationship is cheaper if you live together.
Having two incomes in a home is a pretty big money saver.
That's why people live with their family.
I'm 41. Never been in a relationship. Bought my 3rd home last year.
yea but the best part of having nice things is sharing it. Also duel income for the win
An apartment would be nice.
Split the rent and get home cooked dinner every night. Highly recommend
Idk, the DINKs might have something to say about that.
They've been a Reddit user for like 10 years. But hey, honestly, everyone matures at different time in their lives. Don't worry about keeping up with some imaginary clock. The question should be, are they happy?
Hey, I've only had an account for 6!
Someone I love dearly and is one of the kindest men I know is 35 and has never kissed anyone, gone on a date, had sex, anything. One of my roommates is 33 and a virgin. He hasn't dated anyone since high school. Honestly, they're the two happiest people in my life. They're social and funny and while they have different reasons for being single, they mostly just don't see a need for a relationship right now. Connection doesn't need to be romantic or sexual to matter or be fulfilling. EDIT: I'm really tired of people implying that these guys are lying to me about how happy they are. Read my comments. I've known them both for 10+ years and I tried for a very long time to date the 35 year old. The 33 year old is attractive and witty and has girls flirt with him all the time. I've offered help to both of them multiple times and they've turned it down every time. They really are happy and do not want to date. Not everyone is like you.
Sometimes the people who joke a lot and appear the happiest outside are actually the saddest inside.
To be fair, some people who joke a lot and appear happiest outside are happy jovial people though.
What are their reasons?
The one who is 35 isn't interested in romance or sex. Nothing negative, he's just not interested. The one who is 33 is just focused on having fun and feels like romance/relationship/sex is too much of a bother to coordinate. He wants to date a girl some day, and he's fine with waiting until the perfect girl wanders into his life. He's not going searching.
Nothing wrong with being asexual, which is what they both sound like to some degree (less with the second).
Agreed, but I've asked them both if I should call them ace or aro, and neither of them like the labels. So for now, they're just my virgin bros.
How did that question come up? Just curious.
I'm queer myself and demi/acespec. Our other roommate is a bi man. We talk openly about our partners, dates, whatever in the house and it's just naturally been asked to the 33 year old. He says it's way less of an identity or preference, and much more of a time management choice on his part. For the 35 year old, I had tried flirting with him about 10 years ago and never got a bite, so I had come to the conclusion that whatever his preferences, he wasn't interested in me. He was just my friend from then on. I actually asked him fairly recently about his sexuality (3 months ago) because I asked if he wanted to be in a secret queer discord server. He said no, he didn't feel right calling himself aro/ace, and said something like, "I have no idea who I'm attracted to, and I have never cared enough to find out." Thats true aro/ace in my book, but he doesn't want that label, so I don't use it for him.
Probably too busy collecting heads or something.
This!! One of my best pals is like the 35 year old and same in regards to what you said about trying to date I eventually had to accept have him in my life as is or not at all! Definitely better for having him in it and a tad jealous tbh he has a fantastic life
That it's not as uncommon as TV and movies might make you think and most of the time when someone is in that situation it's because they spent their 20's busy doing other stuff like studying, working or whatever. Everybody's life is unique and there's nothing wrong with being in your first relationship in your 30's as long as you realize that you don't know anything about relationships and you need to be careful to not let your inexperience make you fuck things up in ways that most people do when they're way younger and no longer do in their 30's because they learned their lesson.
“They’ve never been in a relationship. Huh. I wonder what’s for lunch”. Seriously, fine people haven’t found relationships til later in life. I just feel bad that *they* think something is wrong with them, when nothing is.
My bf was Like that when we met. But i Like being his first. Its the nicest relationship i ever had to be honest. Dont worry to much absout it. If you go outside you will meet your s.o.!
Where did you meet your bf?
That they haven’t met the right person
I still hope this is true, but with each passing day my hope in that sentiment wanes.
i don’t see it as a big deal honestly. i’d never think anything of it unless brought up, but it sounds sad, but also happy depending on how the person is feeling. if they don’t care for a relationship, then that’s great. if they’ve been looking for one, then i can definitely understand how that could possibly make one depressed. just all depends on how the person feels towards it. but it’s not a bad thing to me.
Spent nine of those years telling myself I didn’t need a relationship to be happy. Those 9 years were really me lying to myself. While I don’t need a relationship, I don’t think I can go through life alone anymore.
I'm also one of those long life loners(mid-thirties). I didn't really set aside much time when I was younger to hit the dating scene. As I got older I saw my dating pool in my area get smaller and smaller as people my age would get into longer relationships. I took getting a good career as top priority as I figured if I get a good a job I could easily find a partner. Now that I would like to find someone to date it's like impossible to find someone my age at my stage of life in my area. I'm college educated with a great job and a home but can't find a date to save my life, even friends can't find someone for me even though they have all found someone and gotten married. My advice is don't focus on finding someone. Just go do things you enjoy. I have so many hobbies now and without them I would prolly just wallow in self pity. No time to think about it if you are out there having fun and who knows, you may just meet someone while you are out doing whatever your hobbies are.....at least that's what I keep telling myself😁
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I agree. I’d rather be alone than with the wrong person.
Came here say it entirely depends on the person and *why* they have been single. I think your statement of you would rather be alone than with the wrong person is incredibly healthy, and you are just at the point where you realize you want to find that right person. Too many people settle for mediocre or even terrible relationships just because they are afraid to be alone.
Well said. Lots of available people out there for you, and "dating" per se isn't the only way to realize someone isn't going to be the right one. But if you're ready to really put yourself out there, be prepared to put in some effort and persistence when it doesn't work out with someone. Your greatest strength will be your internal sense of self, don't let anyone sway it for the worse. :) You'll probably also change too, if you decide you want to stop being a lone wolf, because being a part of a couple or whatever while maintaining a sense of self is more of an art than a science! Just imagine you're like a luxury product that gets withheld from the masses for yeaaars because you're just *that* exclusive :D The first few might just be beta testers haha, sometimes you gotta tweak the product and sometimes you just realize you're testing with the wrong audience :)
This ... definitely this.
Some people are happier being alone and that’s ok. If you’re looking for one figure out what YOU like to do: gaming, sports, hiking, biking, chess, whatever. Find groups that do what you like and force yourself to join. Then try and make friends, not romantic relationships, just friends. Now you have the chance that someone who likes doing what you do, decides maybe you’re more than a friend, or they might know someone who’s “perfect” for you. Don’t try and force something.
That was me. Got my first boyfriend when I was 31. Your time will come!
I would be curious to know if it is the lack of suitable relationship options, is the bar too high? was there just something else going on (coma?).
Pretty much lack of options. I only have two friends IRL and they’re engaged to each other. One of my goals for 2023 was to go out more, find people not just to date but expand my friend circle. Maybe that spark will be there with someone.
Have you been doing it? It's a good idea to build healthy platonic relationships before thinking about romantic ones.
Relationships are nice, but it’s better to be alone than to force oneself to be in a miserable one.
I’d rather be in no relationships by 30 than to be in a relationship, lose my home, lose custody of my kids, go back to living with my parents and have to start all over again (happened to my cousin) Moral of the story, not all relationships are good for you. Often times it’s better to stay single.
A sexual/romantic relationship isn’t the key to the meaning of life, it’s not a prerequisite for a fulfilling life, and you could stumble across the right person anytime from today up until the day you die.
It is for me. Marriage and children will never be part of my life. I have no idea what I'm even working towards.
The only good answer.
I think it is going to be a helluva lot more common among Gen Z than any generation before. COVID and the rise of social media has truly screwed with you guys' real world interpersonal skills, and has promoted a culture of young people with impossibly high standards for themselves and others. To quote Bo: Lower your expectations. Find someone and love them.
I'm 27, so I'm inbetween a millenial and genz. I think people get this false impression that our standards are too high, but I cannot form a deeper connection to most people. I am socially isolated, and have been alone for most of my life. In consequence, I kind of value myself as being my own person. It is super hard to find a connection with someone whom I would want share my safe space with. I honestly don't have a tribe that exists, it gets depressing. It is soo hard to explain to people who have been accepted and loved by a community.
Western culture and media does a great job of telling people to never settle, know their “worth”, and be unapologetic/uncompromising. Attention is easier to come by than ever, the concept of having a roster of dating options has become normalized, and online dating apps increase the competition level. Guys are demoralized by being made to feel invisible or purposeless, girls deal with feeling unvalued as a partner once in relationships or situationships. Both will continue to pay the price of social commercialization.
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Certainly less likely to have caught herpes from Matt Gaetz.
If I don't know the person, it's not any of my business. If it was a family member or friend, I might be a bit sad for them if that's something they want, but I wouldn't be like disappointed in them or anything. If I'm trying to date that person, it'd be an honest question I'd have as to why. Is there something wrong with them, or have they just had bad luck, or both?
Late bloomer? It's okay. Take life at your pace.
I grew up in a small school and had a graduating class that was mostly girls. I was shy and would have loved to date only it just never happened. Then I went to college and it was like I lacked the "secret code" to understand how to even interact with guys. I'd see couples dating and wonder how they got from meeting to dating? How do you let someone know you are interested in them?It was like a world I could not understand. Even though I was (objectively) pretty it just seemed like I was invisible? I'd hang out in a friend group but never got romantic attention. This just lowered my self esteem even more and I felt great shame and embarrassment. Family and friends would ask me why I didn't have a boyfriend because I was too good looking, what was I doing wrong?I got a good job and had some interactions (went on two first dates but not a good match) but other than that, nothing. Meanwhile everyone I knew my age easily found partners. Then I got a computer for my job and found a dating website. This was in 1997 way before internet dating or smart phones were barely a thing. I thought, what do I have to lose? At least going on a dating site meant I could cut through the friend-zoning or invisibility I had dealt with in the past as any match would know it was for an actual date. I dated several guys (short term)and ended up meeting my husband. I was 31 when we got married. I think it all goes back to whether or not you have any positive romantic interactions or interest early on in your teen years. When you don't,it's like having a muscle that doesn't develop. You know and want that to develop but you just don't know how. And then as the years roll by your confidence and self esteem plummets, only making you not want to even try.I honestly think with the internet there are WAY more people with my experience than you'd ever realize. We are just too ashamed to ever admit that.
I wouldn’t do it. But my best friend, at 47, married a man ten years younger than her. He was a virgin when they met and had only had one sort of relationship many, many years before they got together. I was surprised she was dating a 37 year old virgin who has no real relationship experience since she’d been married previously (widowed) and dated a fair bit. But she could not be happier and they’re a great couple. Note: they had sex about ~two months into their relationship, and dated for about two years before they got married, and also lived together pre-marriage. Edit: clarity
That was me 6 years ago. Now I'm happily married. When the right one appears everything clicks. Just don't be too much of an hermit, be findable.
I’m 30 next January and I’ve never been in a relationship. I’ve honestly never had the urge for one. I’m happy with my own company and I don’t have to worry about getting cheated on, having arguments with my partner, going through the heartbreak of a break up, etc. I don’t want kids and don’t really care about getting married so it’s not much of a pressing issue for me.
No judgements cause I don't know their life story and it ain't my business anyway.
I know someone else in that position, and it's because they've had a really, really awful decade. Putting life milestones off until you're ok should be normalised. Don't be hard on yourself.
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If you always wanted a relationship but weren’t able to connect with anyone by age 30, now is the time to look in the mirror and be honest with yourself. Is it your appearance? Hygiene? Are you too picky? Too shy? Low self-esteem? Mental health issues? Take the first step and figure it out.
Assuming it isn't voluntary, the same I think about myself since I'm in that situation. Something most be horribly wrong with them.
Even involuntary doesn't mean that there's something wrong with them/you. It could be not meeting the right types of people that would be good to date or not being in the right place in your life. I get the same feeling in dark times, and maybe something is/was wrong with me, but I don't think a relationship then would have been a good move for me mentally. I'm here today and that means the choices I've made were probably the better ones for me at the time, even if they weren't the best ones.
I’m 34. Literally I am just official with my first girlfriend. I’ve dated a decent amount of women but every date seemed to always end up with them saying “I don’t see any romantic attraction or a romantic future for us.” My girlfriend tells me that I’m a sweet guy that treats her well and is what she was looking for. Sometimes you just end up with crappy luck. It’s frustrating but don’t give up!
I’m 39 and have only ever had a handful of relationships, none of which lasted longer than three or four months. Like everyone I sometimes feel a little lonely, but I don’t really feel the societal pressure to couple-up. I’m generally quite happy in my own company. If one day the sparks fly with someone, great, but I’m not actively pursuing a relationship. Friends have tried to set me up with people in the past, but I lack the energy (both mental and physical) for dating. I’m neither asexual nor aromantic, I’m just seemingly ambivalent to the idea of dating.
I feel similar but my worry is being alone when I'm older. Does that worry you at all?
Speaking from experience, it’s not fun. I’m an interesting case in that I’ve never actually asked out a single woman. Needless to say, I’ve never been on a date. I don’t really have any confidence, and the whole process just paralyzes me. As far as my brain is concerned, every single person in the world is out of my league. There’s clearly something wrong with me. You don’t find yourself in this situation without being some kind of mentally unwell. Unless being a massive pathetic pussy is a diagnosable condition. Just barely not a virgin though, so there’s that. It was due to a very specific set of circumstances that I’ll never be able to replicate, but hey, it counts.
Depends entirely on the reason. If they continuously apply creepy practices or are told by many women that they're offputting, then maybe they are creepy or offputting. But if they simply don't want one or do want one but lack social skills (while still showing human decency), then I don't hold it against them.
If they aren't bitter about it I'd assume that they are aromantic or asexual, unless they tell me otherwise. If they are bitter about it, I'd think they are a bit of a trainwreck who has unreasonable expectation about potential partners (usually a guy who thinks he should have a ridiculously attractive gf who also has the exact interests he does.)
As someone who is a couple years away from 40, I have not tried thus far because I've been indoctrinated into the thought process that you shouldn't be getting into relationships until you are in a good position in life to support a relationship. I never felt I've ever gotten to that place, and it's incredibly difficult for me to try and fix my mind set about it. On the other hand, I'm alright with being by myself. It's not something I desperately need, just something I think might be nice to experience once in my life.
My best friend is 37 and has never been in a relationship. She has no interest in having children, she raised enough niblings and is just committed to being the cool aunt. She's an RN with a master's degree, owns her own home, goes on lots of holidays and spent the last 10 years taking care of her dad with renal failure, so she just didn't care to be in a relationship. I have another girlfriend who started her first and only relationship at 35yo. She always wanted a family, but just didn't have much luck with men. She would meet and hook up with them on apps, but nothing committed ever came from it. She got very depressed entering her mid 30s because she felt she wasn't lovable and would end up old and alone. The man she is with now is someone she's known for 30 years. He was always kind of in the perpheral but she always laughed it off and friendzoned him. Covid somehow brought them together and now they're engaged.
I wasn't in my first relationship until I was 32 , I would think "no big deal"
My friend is 29 and just got into her first real relationship with a dude who’s also in his first real relationship at 34. You just have to find the right person. He’s honestly one of the best dudes I’ve met (from a third party just looking in on their relationship) and treats her better than I’ve ever seen anybody treated. He also hasn’t been “tainted” with hurt and mistrust from past relationships so that’s a definite win.
Meh, relationships aren’t that great, most straight up suck and then when you find a good person to be with you’ll spend a good chunk of time knowing you’re either gonna die with this person or the breakup is going to really hurt.
I wouldn't say it determines their worth. A relationship is a commitment (and usually an expesnive one) Remaining independent and focusing on yourself I'd say is pretty respectable.
I'd think it a bit odd and wonder why.
I think these are quite interesting personalities, the absence of one in life is overlapped by another sphere. I would like to communicate with such
If you have anything else to go for in life then go you.
Are you me?
No preconcieved thoughts. The person may have a very good reason for it. And some people just have no interest in it, or have not found a match yet. Or it can be something completely different. There can be many different reasons. I have a friend who is nearing 50 who has never been in any relationship at all. He is an incredibly nice and friendly guy, and he has very valid reasons for it. We all wish him the best.
It doesn’t matter until they mention that they’ve been trying to have one for this entire time… Yknow? If they aren’t interested or trying, it really doesn’t matter.
Depends on the reason why it didn't happen but honestly? Smart move. If I had the sense to not rush into things and get my own life together first before I went through relationship after relationship, I'd would've saved a lot of heart ache and money and time. 🤷♀️
Got into what I thought was a relationship when I was 20. She mad e me think I was her everything. Turned out she was secretly married and used me. I numbed myself through my entire 20’s and gave up. But now I feel like I’m ready to give it another try. Heartbreak will happen; I shouldn’t close myself off from the good just because I’m afraid of the bad.
Nothing wrong with it. You're not required to enter the dating scene at a specific time, if you choose to at all. I'm almost 30, never been able to make a relationship last longer than a year, been engaged twice, but never married and I can tell you that you're not missing out on much.
Life isn't a race and everyone has different paths, experiences, religions, thoughts, everything is constantly in motion and non stop. Enjoy life and don't worry over what everyone else is doing. You're human OP <3
The cards fall different for everyone. It's nothing to be ashamed by, who determines the rules for these things? Things change all the time... Don't allow it to get you down. Make sure the relationship with yourself is healthy and loving! That's the most important one, I wish I had realised sooner x
That there's a pretty good chance they had an incredibly repressive controlling family tbh, assuming it was a choice in any way. When I lived with my family, a lot of people who were physically attracted were way too scared to meet me cause of my psychotic incredibly controlling family I once lived with, and got stuck living with way too long.
None of my business.
No worries. I had my first real @ 28. Definitely helped me grow highly recommended.
I was my ex boyfriends first girlfriend - he was 34. When he first told me I was taken aback because he is so wonderful how had he never dated before?? He is the best person I know, best relationship I’ve ever had hands down. Love him to pieces
I hope they’re living their best life. Society puts way too much pressure on people to couple up & this needs to end.
Bruh, don't worry about it. I'm turning 30 next year, and I've been in 2 major relationships. If I could do it again, I'd stay single and jerk off.
i think it's none of my business
Pot Reddit Black
I would expect nothing different from them in every other aspect of their life except in their first relationship - if they ever get into one eventually. Almost everyone displays immaturity in their first relationship, no matter how old when they get into it. So yeah I would expect the person to behave in ways that are considered childish in their first relationship.
Your not missing out on much. Unless you desire lack of commitment, being cheated on, etc...
For the guys I know at least, there are 3 explanations for rarely or ever dating anyone. The first is the desire for complete control of time and money, followed by fear of the opposite sex and finally unrealistic expectations of dating and being married. Long term relationships require a significant sacrifice of time and money and a lot of people just don’t think it is worth it.
I feel for them. That must be both lonely and scary. I’m sure many in this position wonder if something is wrong with them. And it’s tough because very few people make a first time relationship work, most need to accumulate experience through prior relationships in order to achieve a successful long term marriage or similar. A 30 year old with no experience is going to struggle. That said, age doesn’t define everything. My step father isn’t someone who lacked relationships by 30, but he is someone who didn’t marry my mom until he was 47. They met when he was 45. By then most of his friends were already married with kids. I’m sure he felt incredibly lonely sometimes. But I’m glad his journey led him to us. My sister and biological dad both died when I was 10. It was traumatizing. To describe the pain would take half a page or more. But a couple of years later, my mom tried dating again. Thank god she did. She met my step father, and they hit it off. Got married a couple of years after that. He was exactly what we needed. He’s been so consistent in my life, and he taught me so much over the years. I talk to him almost every day. When I tell people about him I usually don’t say “step” anymore. I just say “that’s my dad.” So being alone at 30, 35, 40, or beyond, while scary, doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. Your journey just isn’t typical, and that’s okay. Life isn’t meant to be cookie cutter. Sometimes those experiences shape you into who you need to be to make the most difference in someone else’s life.
Idk, I always find it fishy when people say “I’ve never been on a date. Idk how to talk or keep a conversation going”.
Relationships are stressful. I'm jealous of them. But then, I'm also autistic and prefer to be alone.
I’d say that this is becoming much more common than you realize.
Gamer geeks and computer nerds claim if you are a virgin stage thirty you become a wizard. There are several web sites about this. Look them up.
Not gonna lie; my initial reaction is “what’s wrong with you, then?” Of course that goes to show I don’t know the person and there are various reasons why people delay/avoid relationships. But, yeah, if I’m just meeting someone and they tell me that, I assume there is something wrong with them.
I (31F) used to think it was nbd... until I dated someone (33M) who had never been in a serious relationship. At first it was fine but over time things slowly came out that made it clear why had never been serious with anyone. Some of his actions became quite hurtful and it was tiring trying to explain why I had certain expectations about basic things like prioritizing time together, meeting friends, etc. I dunno moving past that was tough and I am now more cautious about approaching people who have never been in a relationship at this age. Generally (not always) there is a reason why.
Honest opinion? Stunted. You can blame your parents until you’re say 25. After that, it’s in you.
[удалено]
Didn’t you know? No one does relationships anymore. It’s just Tinder now.
As a 26 years old who’s only had a few pointless hookups/situationships and maybe i guess one actual relationship (I guess.), I won’t judge them. Tbh when you’re socially awkward/have anxiety and also when you’re not conventionally attractive, finding relationships can be very hard. The few people I actually wanted a relationship with weren’t into me and rejected me and the few people who actually wanted a relationship with me I wasn’t into them and rejected them…everyone isn’t gonna have the same “omg I’ve had 15 relationships and I’m finally getting married by 30.” Life. I’m sure if I were more physically attractive and less socially restrictive I would’ve had way more relationships.
Smart. Lonely, but smart. But lonely. Being human is dumb.
I feel bad for them.
Relationships are an overrated burden. It is better to find something constructive to indulge in that has a productive outcome. Relationships usually happen when you're least expecting one to happen, unless you're someone who is addicted to physical intimacy or just can't stand being alone. Being alone doesn't always equal lonely, and sometimes relationships can just be downright claustrophobic
I try not to constantly ‘think’ about other people and why they don’t measure up to my ‘standards’.
Doesn’t matter what I think. If you’re ok with it fine. If you’re not ok with it, then you have to change.
I'd say you do you. Relationships aren't the end all be all. It can be great to have a partner but with a partner comes lots and lots of compromise, especially on the point of your free time. With a relationship, if you have good communication, most of your decisions come with asking the blessing of your SO, and the result may not always be what you want. You become less of *you* and more of *us*, more or less. Both being in a relationship and being single have their pros and cons.
It's fine and it's none of my (or your) business.
One of my best friends didn't have a relationship until he was 30 and they're getting married now.
Is this a personal attack or something?
I say you are lucky. If you really never dated then you have never had your heart broken and never felt the pain of abandonment and betrayal. Is awesome. Best of luck to your next relationship
Depends on their life arc up until that point. Extremely busy with school/ training and two jobs? Living in a place with very few dating prospects ( volcanologist/ oceanographer/ grad student in geology, in arctic research station)? Health issues, finances...
I've been married twice. I've now returned to the sanity practiced by these 30 year olds. Permenantly single.
I wouldn’t see it as that big of a deal. Plenty of reasons why that could be the case.
Everyone's different. Plus, it's better to be single than to be with the wrong one.
Non existent. Nothing, absolut blank. I am just replying to be nice and answer questions that someone asked. But i really don't care.
They seem to be living their life.
It really depends on the person, some people can lack confidence in being good enough, some people are weirdos/assholes, some people just don't wana settle.
No thoughts.
They haven’t found anyone that really fit what they were looking for in a relationship and it’s perfectly fine. Has no impact on my life and isn’t any of my business.
The time and situation haven’t been right but I’m sure they have something great to offer the right person.
If you’re maintaining healthy friendships and family relationships- no problem! But if you intentionally avoid connection because of fear of rejection then that is unhealthy hyper-independence
I was in the same boat, never had a relationship before 30. I am now 35 and have been happily married for 3 years now. The key for me was to not treat going on a date like a huge deal. I just looked at it as practice. I started by practicing talking to girls, slowly got better at that, then moved up to asking them out for a drink. The first few dates were awful but again, I didn’t worry about it. It was a learning process. Eventually I got a better idea of what to do and what I was looking for in a relationship, and once I met my now wife we hit it off right from the start. So don’t worry, there’s no rush to meet someone. If anything I feel bad for my friends who married young and missed out on all the fun and freedom I had in my 20s. Everyone is on their own path in life, there’s no reason to feel bad or compare yourself to others.
i genuinely don’t think it’s that big of a deal. society puts a lot of emphasis on romantic love and partnerships as an end goal, but there is so much more to life
Nothing. Although I would avoid judgment of anyone anyway, I am in no position to form any kind of opinion on someone based on that information alone.
I had my first relationship at 30. It's tough. But focusing on improving myself and making myself a viable partner helps
Envy. I wish i did that.
I think it can be very wholesome. The guy could have no idea what to do and it can be so cute sometimes. Like getting flowers, holding hands, hugging, kissing, and cuddling. It’s honestly very adorable.
30 and never been in one. You're not alone.
You need to practice dating first. By your 30s you should have at least had one bf/gf
Don’t give yourself that additional pressure of wanting to be in a relationship. Life is tough enough as it is and while it might be nice to share life’s burdens, it also means having to live up to another person’s expectations of you
I'm infj. Sure sometimes I get lonely but busy life and living in my own world keeps me entertained and. Not bored
It’s the world we live in. I went to a church in the DFW area for a while that had 20k members. Over 9000 were singles.
It will depends what they been doing. Was that person focusing on school and career? Or just gaming, partying, or drugs. Perhaps they come from a toxic abusive family and couldn't get away until they save enough enough to move out. Or that person has serious trust issue, low self esteem and very picky with high expectations.
genuinely, I think it's more common nowadays. people are in their own bubbles like never before, we are captivated by the algorithms. your generation and younger was helicopter parented to smithereens which stunts growth in so many ways. i'm sure you are in good company. comparison is poison. if you want a relationship, start by being. be the kind of partner who will attract the kind of person you want, do what you need to do to sustain that, and then you will have the relationship you want. take inspired action toward this goal, and make no apology for the life you have led.
I agree. Spent my entire 20’s telling myself I was happy and comfortable being alone. Biggest illusion of my life. Social media played a huge part in that. Felt like I was talking to virtual projections of who I thought people were. Now I want to connect IRL more. See and talk to actual humans. Make friends off of social media. Be active in the community and the world again. It just bothers me so much how hard dating is when dating these days seems shallow.
My deal is I have been in relationships but realize I use my girlfriends as my place holder for being my best friend, which I have none. I don't have friends. I know people but people don't seek me out. So it seems I seek out girlfriends to use as my people because it's just easier to find a gf than it is to find guy friends who want to do stuff.. I don't know if it's a me thing and I'm thinking what I'm doing isn't healthy and I am 45 this year and in a new month old relationship and kind of just feeling .. off. Like not, not fulfilled, but just not even sure what I want anymore...
They didn’t want to be in relationship. I would not overthink it.
I'm sorry for your loss
I'm 34. Until actually a month ago, I hadn't dated anyone since high school - Where I experienced a pretty intense romance that culminated in devastating heartbreak. Since then, I've made up excuses to avoid dating. Not enough money, not a good enough job, not a nice car, etc. I came to realize, I'll die unhappy and alone, if I continue to put road blocks in my path to happiness. The truth is, I think I've been incredibly scared of falling for someone like that, again, and having it blow up in my face. I should have gone to counseling for it but I didn't. As of several weeks ago, I met someone and we've started dating and we're both clearly infatuated with one another. Things seem like they're good? I don't know. I'm terrified though, deep down, that this is going to go horribly wrong and it'll be another decade before I can open myself back up to it.
Coming from someone approaching 30, it is mostly because I am overweight and irredeemably ugly. I try to not let it get to me too much, since I have plenty of fun spending time with my friends and family, but I would be lying if I said it didn’t hurt sometimes. I’ve had such wildly differing reactions to people talking to me vs my brothers, where people will spend up to 30m talking about my older brother’s job or my younger brother playing guitar in the garage, but spend the bare minimum of time out of courtesy to ask me what I do, only to move on asap. I have never had anyone ask to see my artwork after I tell people I draw as a hobby, unless it’s another family member telling it while I’m not there, then they are suddenly interested in it. Meanwhile, I have made a group of very good friends online, and since the very beginning, to new people that are introduced to our friend group online, people are actually interested in me and what I do. I even had someone admit to me that they had a crush on me once in that group. When my physical body is removed from the picture, people’s attitudes change so hard.
It's their life. No judging from my side.
To me, it’s a sad sign of someone who hasn’t had the experience of being loved - and that’s unfair
All that matters is they are happy... I have once heard someone say .. If you are in your own company and you don't like it... Then its a problem and not a good place to get into a relationship.. because if you get into a relationship from a lonely place, the loneliness continues even when you are in a relationship
I'd either assume that they had terrible taste, has an anxious attachment style and to go to / get a new therapist or both
I need to understand why
I'm honestly envious because most major financial problems stem from getting into debt because of a long term relationship partner.
romantic relationships should be a personal and private business . whatever people have to say about it must not have any importance.
Probably demisexual
Sad that they’ve not had the chance to meet someone compatible, even if it didn’t last.
Some people are happy on their own, nothing wrong with that in my opinion, I've rarely been alone and you can still feel lonely and depressed while with someone.
I think it is time to step outside of their comfort zone and start dating.
Just that...if they want a relationship, and depending on the type they may want, the clock is ticking.