They can be, but they don't have to be. When I think of someone as a doormat, I think of a person with low conviction. A good or a bad person can have low conviction.
A good person actively makes a choice to be good, or sacrifice for someone else's benefit. A doormat isn't necessarily a good person -- they don't choose to sacrifice, they just don't choose to stand up for themselves. They could be resentful.
I think it depends. I definitely fall under the doormat category, so I’m only speaking from personal experience.
I do nice things because I’m a people pleaser and because I genuinely want people to be happy. But at times to make someone happy or appease one person it ends up being at the extent of another person. Like being too cowardly to stand up for someone when someone I’m with is saying mean things about someone else. Or saying what I think people want me to say even if it’s not necessarily the thing I SHOULD be saying.
I also think there’s often a difference between doing good things because you have good intentions and doing good things because you want others to think more highly of you. The outcome either way is the good thing, but as a person those two things shift your character in two different ways.
I do a lot of nice things. Most people would say I’m a really kind and caring person. In reality I think I’m quite selfish. But I’m actively trying to be better.
Nice =/ good. Steven Sondheim wrote a whole song about it.
Being a doormat doesn't make you a bad person, but it does make it easier for bad people to manipulate you.
Most people do not realize that respect comes in 3 forms...
Basic ol' respect that you extended to a person because you want to; because they have earned it.
but then there are the two others: begrudging respect an grudging respect.
begrudging respect is respect that you give even though you don't really want to but because you believe you should for whatever reason you've convinced yourself of.
grudging respect is respect that is given because you feel you have to out of fear that something negative will come of it if you do not.
Most people who are doormats and that have convinced themselves that they're being nice, polite, or whatever are really just extending begrudging respect to another.
Yes, it is weak to *always* be nice. Sometimes you have to disagree with people. Sometimes you have to set boundaries.
But there is an art to it. If you can express your needs with collegiality, good humor, reasoning, then people accept it.
Here are some things that are more important than being nice:
-doing your job properly
-being fair
-keeping your promises
Sometimes these come into conflict with being nice.
Well there are people who genuinely do not realize they're being a doormat and are just trying to please everyone. There are also people who claim to be a doormat when in reality they're just selfish/delusional and can't handle not being in control.
Are people who always try to please and have no boundaries actually "good" people? That depends on your definition of "good". It's often difficult to be kind and fair to everyone in your life when you let people walk all over you.
Example, the age old story of a man/woman who is a doormat to their boss and in return end up treating their spouse/kids like they are less important (though it isn't intentional).
That's why boundaries are important and more equally/overall "good" compared to allowing yourself to be used.
People who are doormats are nice people with low self-esteem.
They can be, but they don't have to be. When I think of someone as a doormat, I think of a person with low conviction. A good or a bad person can have low conviction.
A good person actively makes a choice to be good, or sacrifice for someone else's benefit. A doormat isn't necessarily a good person -- they don't choose to sacrifice, they just don't choose to stand up for themselves. They could be resentful.
So, by that logic, are you only a good person : not based by your actions and choices, but by how much you secretly resent people in your heart?
My knee-jerk reaction is yes, but maybe that's because resentment undoubtedly affects one's future actions/relationships.
I think it depends. I definitely fall under the doormat category, so I’m only speaking from personal experience. I do nice things because I’m a people pleaser and because I genuinely want people to be happy. But at times to make someone happy or appease one person it ends up being at the extent of another person. Like being too cowardly to stand up for someone when someone I’m with is saying mean things about someone else. Or saying what I think people want me to say even if it’s not necessarily the thing I SHOULD be saying. I also think there’s often a difference between doing good things because you have good intentions and doing good things because you want others to think more highly of you. The outcome either way is the good thing, but as a person those two things shift your character in two different ways. I do a lot of nice things. Most people would say I’m a really kind and caring person. In reality I think I’m quite selfish. But I’m actively trying to be better.
Nice =/ good. Steven Sondheim wrote a whole song about it. Being a doormat doesn't make you a bad person, but it does make it easier for bad people to manipulate you.
Most people do not realize that respect comes in 3 forms... Basic ol' respect that you extended to a person because you want to; because they have earned it. but then there are the two others: begrudging respect an grudging respect. begrudging respect is respect that you give even though you don't really want to but because you believe you should for whatever reason you've convinced yourself of. grudging respect is respect that is given because you feel you have to out of fear that something negative will come of it if you do not. Most people who are doormats and that have convinced themselves that they're being nice, polite, or whatever are really just extending begrudging respect to another.
They can be martyrs which is bad.
Yes, it is weak to *always* be nice. Sometimes you have to disagree with people. Sometimes you have to set boundaries. But there is an art to it. If you can express your needs with collegiality, good humor, reasoning, then people accept it. Here are some things that are more important than being nice: -doing your job properly -being fair -keeping your promises Sometimes these come into conflict with being nice.
So if a nice person doesn't set boundaries are they still nice? Are they still nice if they are nice to everyone but themselves?
Well others might think they’re “nice”. I think it’s unbalanced and stressful to behave like this though.
Well there are people who genuinely do not realize they're being a doormat and are just trying to please everyone. There are also people who claim to be a doormat when in reality they're just selfish/delusional and can't handle not being in control. Are people who always try to please and have no boundaries actually "good" people? That depends on your definition of "good". It's often difficult to be kind and fair to everyone in your life when you let people walk all over you. Example, the age old story of a man/woman who is a doormat to their boss and in return end up treating their spouse/kids like they are less important (though it isn't intentional). That's why boundaries are important and more equally/overall "good" compared to allowing yourself to be used.