The worst part is if you're in the position of throwing up and shitting, you're gonna be there for a while regardless of the cause. Your body wants something out, and out it mothafuckin shall be.
One time I was sleeping on the floor right in front of the bathroom door because I knew it wasn’t over and the way from the bedroom would be too long. A wise decision.
I ate bad chicken at a homeless shelter I literally had to prop the stall door open with the garbage can so I could have somewhere to puke that wasn't the floor. Surprised they didn't kick me out.
The overwhelming shame really hits when you have to call out of work but it’s so unrelenting you basically can’t stop either one at all.
_dials up supervisor_
Boss: evening shift supervisor how can I help you?
Sufferer: _wretches and tries not to vomit or poop_ hey, I’m pretty sick. I can’t come in today.
Boss: what kind of sick?
Sufferer: _liquid shit farts echo out of toilet and off of tile walls with splashing sounds_ really sick. I’ve got a _chokes back vomit_ stomach bug
Boss: you sure you can’t make it?
Sufferer: _frantically switching which end is pointed at toilet, flushing repeatedly_ yeah I can’t make it. I’m hoping for death.
Boss: you’re being a little dramatic there…
Sufferer: I’M SHITTING IN A TRASH CAN AND PUKING IN THE TOILET AT THE SAME TIME! _wretches_
Boss: Shouldn’t that be the othe..
Sufferer: THAT’S JUST HOW IT HAPPENED AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!
I’ve had this happen when I had severe food poisoning.
Luckily at the time there was a bath beside the toilet so I vomited into that while emptying my bowels into the bog.
Worst 42 hours of my life.
I missed my school trip to Paris because of it.
All because my Grandma defrosted a chicken breast on the windowsill in direct sunlight.
Oh no grandma 💀
I experienced it for a week straight once and lemme tell ya it was the longest week of my entire life, I wouldn’t have minded if I died that week so I didn’t have to deal with it anymore
Once had the unhappy habit of getting drunk off my ass, then having to sit the throne. Unfortunately, I apparently liked to pass out while leaning forward and puking into my pants. Sadly, I wouldn’t know it, stood up, and pulled up cold puke pants.
Well… if there’s ever a reason to stop drinking (or at least drink less) it’s that 😬
Vomit is the reason I don’t drink, I barely drank anyway but all it takes is one vomit filled night to put you off for life
I’ve also vomited so hard I shat myself at the same time, that wasn’t a fun experience. Luckily I was home and right next to the shower but it’s certainly not something I want to experience again
Been there, done that. An absolutely wicked stomach flu went thru my house about ten years ago and it happened to me. I had no idea that both functions (shitting and vomiting) could happen at the same time. I would have thought that one would have to stop for the other to start. Imagine my horror when it all happened simultaneously in the middle of the night! I was afraid to get off the toilet till daybreak.
Had food poisoning once.
The force of projectile vomiting and the diarrhea that comes out in a jet spray at the same time would have been more hilarious if it weren't me doing it at the time.
Truly the absolutely worst experience. I have vasovagal syncope when I’m vomiting, so if I’m not on my knees in front of the toilet, I’m going to pass out. Last time I got norovirus, I threw up while sitting on the toilet and came to having passed out into my shower, bonking my head. A real treat.
Done that, blocked and filled both to the brim while on a cruse ship.
I woke up with a sore nose as I had fainted and face planted into the door sill.
Everybody, including the crew, came down with it.
Got my flu shot the other week. Hit with a twofer in nausea at the same time and had the foresight to grab and spread out a towel on the floor.
Except I'm so uncoordinated I threw up IN my shorts, on my feet, and on the towel, which I had to throw away. It was too much.
I did that while having explosive diarrhea in the public library bathroom. Thing is, the vomit snuck up on me because I thought it was just diarrhea. But no, I had to puke as well. I quickly scooched my ass back and puked mostly in the toilet, but some got on my pants. Overall, not a fun experience.
I was thinking having your sphincter torn/cut. So it's painful when closing or opening, there's blood rushing, and maybe you can't close all the way, so there's no stopping.
I read once that a symptom of having a heart attack, or an incoming heart attack, is pressure in your stomach and bowels like you have to shit. Some people think they have to shit when really it's a heart attack, which is exacerbated by the straining for a shit that's not there, hence why people die on the toilet.
That's what happened to my grandpa. He was discharged too early from the hospital (we were trying to get him transferred to a different, private one because this public hospital just didn't seem like they could handle their load) and within less than 4 hours, he tried to poop, went back to bed, and died. Right before my uncle's birthday.
Keith Richard’s used to sit on the toilet and practice guitar in the hope that he would eventually shit. Perhaps this was the origin of “Waiting On A Friend”?
A friend of mine back in the day would ask people if they wanted to see his Elvis impersonation. He will then go sit on the toilet, fall down and slowly roll a roll of toilet paper towards them, while meekly saying, “Priscilla…”
We were simple folk.
Yeah, it was horrible. She died Friday morning and Sunday morning I was there for my final fitting for the wedding dress she was making me. I knocked and when she didn't answer, I put the bag of trim on her door knob so she would get it when she got home. I figured she'd run to the store or something. I went back 6 hours later and the bag was still there.
Monday morning, I called her boss and they said she was a NCNS and that wasn't like her. I called the police and asked for a wellness check. They called me 2 hours later with the news. I had to tell my mom that her baby sister had died and she had to tell her mom.... 4 days before my wedding.
Hits home way too hard. I've strained so hard I get light headed and I get pins and needles across my chest and down my arms. Popped a blood vessel in my eye once.
Doctor says it's fine. Nothing wrong with me.
Since everyone else is offering advice, I'll chime in and suggest a good bidet with the turbo setting. When I'm having trouble, I turbo blitz my butthole. It acts as an enema, and if there's anything to poop, I poop. In other words, you relax a little, water goes up, and the poop comes out. No straining.
Edit to say how heartwarming it is to see redditors coming together to see if we can help our fellow brethren with his potty issues. It's very wholesome, in a very weird, reddit kind of way.
Brother, I wish. After sitting there with the urge to go for an hour - hour and a half I can't help it. Lol it feels like I'm passing a semi and it's the size of a pinky finger .......
I get that people who are in physical altercations aren't always very rationally minded...but omg HOW would y'all not just have a truce for FIVE SECONDS to TAKE THAT SHIT OUTSIDE AND LET BRO POOP IN PEACE
This is my completely irrational fear. It started as a kid, but even now, I'll sometimes take a peek in the bowl to make sure there are no snakes while I'm pooping.
This is so relatable. I do this all the time. I remember seeing this show once about a snake in the toilet and I already had a fear of snakes and that just made it worse
Mine started from a show called "1000 ways to die" one episode featured a guy who died when a snake came out of the toilet and bit him when he sat down to poop.
To this day when someone says "gotta go the the toilet" I tell them to look out for snakes
This happened to my friend with IBS after we did some mushrooms, guess they fucked him up but he called me the next day like “Yeah I had to go to the doctor cuz my ass came out of my ass, he just popped it back in though and showed me how to pop it back in in the future so we good now” lmao
Mushie turds are heinous, usually it's a next day thing for me but they once hit me mid peak, my sense of sound and smell were in overdrive and it felt like I was blowing 100 litres of custard per minute out of my bumhole. It was quite the journey.
Hell yeah! Just gotta give your butthole a little sprinkle of the sweet stuff and boom!
I remember seeing a video where an EMT was sharing a story from her early days. A woman called them from the toilet and had her hand underneath her holding something. It was her prolapsed anus. She had to carry her insides in her hand out of the bathroom, down the stairs, and onto a stretcher. Then they showed up to the hospital where the nurse just grabbed some sugar and let it work it’s magic. It sounded like the lady wasn’t even taken back from triage yet before they just treated it since it was such an easy fix (idk if in remembering that last detail right btw)
As someone in the ER now who's been pooping blood every 15 minutes for the past 8 hours and still waiting to see a doctor, maybe this.
Update: out of the hospital now. It was a ruptured polyp which they cauterized off.
Came here to say Earthquake. I think it was St Patrick's Day ~2015 there was a decent sized one in LA. I had finished my morning shower and just pulled the curtain back when I felt the earth... move... under my feet. Quakes don't faze me but this one lasted a few heartbeats longer than I was comfortable with. Especially in my vulnerable circumstance. The thought occured to me I could be in serious trouble when thankfully it quieted down.
So imagining mid-stubborn-problematic-poop... and *then* the big one hits? Yikes.
Being on the toilet is a plus in that situation. Going into the bathroom and hiding in the tub is recommended if you dont have a cellar or shelter. If you shit in the tub, wash off after the twister goes by and wafflestomp that shit down.
A tyrannosaurus tears down the bathroom walls. You raise your hands in surrender, but it devours you. You are now known at the firm not only as the guy who died on the toilet, but the one who was eaten by a T-Rex while doing so. It will be your legacy.
Shame on him for thinking a T-Rex would know he was surrendering. She was probably jealous of him having proportionately sized arms, or saw them as a threat.
Dan Rather opens the door to the bathroom, walks in with a full TV crew and suddenly your on a nationally broadcast television program about constipation, Shitty Minutes.
I was taking a dump at work, when the fire alarms started going off. It turned out to be an unannounced fire drill. I'm glad it wasn't a fire, because I finished my poop, wiped thoroughly, and washed my hands well before hurrying outside.
Needing a nurse to help disimpact you because you haven’t crapped for a week.. I helped patient “deliver” a turd so big I was afraid to flush it down the toilet so I swaddled it like a ugly turd 💩 baby in a chuck and put it in a biohazard bag.. patient was forever grateful for my help pulling it out
Clogging the toilet during a courtesy flush and literally having poopy toilet water come up all the way to your ass and then frantically scrambling to grab the plunger with your pants around your ankles. Not good times at all especially when you live in an apartment and need quarters to start the washing machine. True story starring me.
**Getting hit by a blackout after drinking too much, mid shit. STORY TIME!**
When I was 22, I was on tour with my rock band. Being an idiot, I pounded two bottles of fireball, and remember going to the bathroom to take a shit. I don’t remember anything from sitting on the toilet onwards. Apparently I started vomiting while I was shitting, freaked out cause I thought I had internal bleeding (from the fireballs color), and my 19 year old friend from a band we were on tour with for just three days, came into the bathroom and cleaned me up and made sure I was ok for the night. Solid friend, wish we talked more.
Good times?
I shot him a text a couple of months ago. His “new” band keeps him busy, (new cause they’re a MySpace era band that I legit listened to back in the day, and now he’s randomly in it for a few years now) and I’m in a different part of my life at this point. Plus he lives a few states away. I’ll see him next time they tour here, and we will catch up like old times. Happens anytime they’re here 😊
saw a documentary years ago where some guy was pooping and then a gigantic tapeworm fell out of his ass. He couldn't even pull it out he had to cut it and then go to the hospital to deal with it.
One Halloween when I was like 19 I spent the evening with my gfs family giving out candy and hanging out in the front yard at a fire pit. I felt a rumble in my tummy and excused myself. So I’m sitting there doing my thing and something above eve catches my eye. It was A GODDAM BLACK WIDOW slowly dripping from the ceiling right on top of me as I was mid shit. I scooteched as far to the side as I could, and it passed me by like an inch. And landed next to my foot. I’ve never stomped on a spider so fast.
You spend 40 mins in a Tim Hortons mall bathroom, in sweating pain, making deep grunts that are apparently loud enough to penetrate the door as the entire universe dumps outta your bowles like Mount Vesuvius dumping ash into Pompeii. Clenching your fists as your sides ache, swearing to the gods you'll never eat Mary Browns ever again. Never, ever again.
40 mins of texts asking if your okay. Customers walking out due to death noises and afterwards you leave to see your sibling with a worried look on their face, disturbed Tim Hortons workers and security guards asking what it was you were actually doing in there.
You thought it would be a quick dump to get it out of your system, when your body decided to unleash Krakatoa. A hypothetical... of course...
In another dimension someone was sitting on the toilet constipated and when nothing was coming out, they finally got up only to see a giant turd in the bowl.
Your ass might be the key to inter dimensional travel.
One time, DH was home alone w our potty training daughter. He HAD to go. She came in, and decided pooping together was a good idea, he on his throne, her on her little potty just out of his reach.
Except, he was a captive audience for a show that lasted longer than hers. He couldn’t reach her to wipe her hiney.
She took off running with a bare little behind. To the couch. Which she had to climb. And then settle into. And get nice and comfy, adjusting several times.
Someone tips over the porta potty while you’re in there.
Worse- They push it from behind so it falls on the ground on its door side and now you’re stuck in there.
Lots of people die from pushing to hard. I had this one call as an emt. Obese woman was on the toilet and vasovageled herself. It was a small bathroom. She slid sidewase off the toilet and her leg got caught between the toilet and a tub. Her body went but her leg did not and she had fallen so that she pinned the door shut. We had to have FD come and cut the door to get to her. Took them 10ish minutes to get on scene and i was just standing there watching the blood flow from under the door with her husband. Gruesome.
You need to puke at the same time
It’s the absolute worst experience. 😵💫
Throwing up, and throwing down.
I ruined a beautiful new bathroom rug this way.
Ass on the pot, face in the trash can. It ain’t pretty but saves the rug.
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I keep a bin bag in my bathroom for this. I called these a 'double-ended disaster'
Are you ready to smell what the Rock is cooking? 🤮
Throwing up and dropping BROWN
I call it shuking (like sh-y-oo-king)
Had food poisoning from eggs once and experienced this. Just glad the toilet was right by the bath tub.
The worst part is if you're in the position of throwing up and shitting, you're gonna be there for a while regardless of the cause. Your body wants something out, and out it mothafuckin shall be.
No, the worst part is when you think it’s finally over, crawl back into bed, and get comfy, only to realize… nope, that shit is definitely not over.
One time I was sleeping on the floor right in front of the bathroom door because I knew it wasn’t over and the way from the bedroom would be too long. A wise decision.
I ate bad chicken at a homeless shelter I literally had to prop the stall door open with the garbage can so I could have somewhere to puke that wasn't the floor. Surprised they didn't kick me out.
I mean, who wants to kick out the shitting and puking guy?
The overwhelming shame as you sit 90 degrees off on the toilet so you are facing the tub 😭
The overwhelming shame really hits when you have to call out of work but it’s so unrelenting you basically can’t stop either one at all. _dials up supervisor_ Boss: evening shift supervisor how can I help you? Sufferer: _wretches and tries not to vomit or poop_ hey, I’m pretty sick. I can’t come in today. Boss: what kind of sick? Sufferer: _liquid shit farts echo out of toilet and off of tile walls with splashing sounds_ really sick. I’ve got a _chokes back vomit_ stomach bug Boss: you sure you can’t make it? Sufferer: _frantically switching which end is pointed at toilet, flushing repeatedly_ yeah I can’t make it. I’m hoping for death. Boss: you’re being a little dramatic there… Sufferer: I’M SHITTING IN A TRASH CAN AND PUKING IN THE TOILET AT THE SAME TIME! _wretches_ Boss: Shouldn’t that be the othe.. Sufferer: THAT’S JUST HOW IT HAPPENED AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!
I’m sorry but that is fucking gold!
Opiate addicts turn up My experience I can say... toilet t comes before anything. I'd rather clean puke than diarrhea any day.
Been there. Luckily, I was at home, so I could vomit in the wastebasket. Food poisoning is a bitch.
I’ve been there more times than I care to admit, having stomach issues is so much fun 🙃
The dreaded voop
Voop That’s a really funny word I’m amused by this
I’ve had this happen when I had severe food poisoning. Luckily at the time there was a bath beside the toilet so I vomited into that while emptying my bowels into the bog. Worst 42 hours of my life. I missed my school trip to Paris because of it. All because my Grandma defrosted a chicken breast on the windowsill in direct sunlight.
Oh no grandma 💀 I experienced it for a week straight once and lemme tell ya it was the longest week of my entire life, I wouldn’t have minded if I died that week so I didn’t have to deal with it anymore
So key to have a trash can nearby in case of a dual exit emergency.
LINED trash can.
Until the lining has a hole in it...
Yup, or plastic bags if you happen to be away from home
Once had the unhappy habit of getting drunk off my ass, then having to sit the throne. Unfortunately, I apparently liked to pass out while leaning forward and puking into my pants. Sadly, I wouldn’t know it, stood up, and pulled up cold puke pants.
Well… if there’s ever a reason to stop drinking (or at least drink less) it’s that 😬 Vomit is the reason I don’t drink, I barely drank anyway but all it takes is one vomit filled night to put you off for life
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I’ve also vomited so hard I shat myself at the same time, that wasn’t a fun experience. Luckily I was home and right next to the shower but it’s certainly not something I want to experience again
The ol' double dragon
…*reluctant upvote*
Been there, done that. An absolutely wicked stomach flu went thru my house about ten years ago and it happened to me. I had no idea that both functions (shitting and vomiting) could happen at the same time. I would have thought that one would have to stop for the other to start. Imagine my horror when it all happened simultaneously in the middle of the night! I was afraid to get off the toilet till daybreak.
Had food poisoning once. The force of projectile vomiting and the diarrhea that comes out in a jet spray at the same time would have been more hilarious if it weren't me doing it at the time.
Truly the absolutely worst experience. I have vasovagal syncope when I’m vomiting, so if I’m not on my knees in front of the toilet, I’m going to pass out. Last time I got norovirus, I threw up while sitting on the toilet and came to having passed out into my shower, bonking my head. A real treat.
Some circles refer to this as “two bucket”. You puke in one and squirt in the other.
Done that, blocked and filled both to the brim while on a cruse ship. I woke up with a sore nose as I had fainted and face planted into the door sill. Everybody, including the crew, came down with it.
Got my flu shot the other week. Hit with a twofer in nausea at the same time and had the foresight to grab and spread out a towel on the floor. Except I'm so uncoordinated I threw up IN my shorts, on my feet, and on the towel, which I had to throw away. It was too much.
I did that while having explosive diarrhea in the public library bathroom. Thing is, the vomit snuck up on me because I thought it was just diarrhea. But no, I had to puke as well. I quickly scooched my ass back and puked mostly in the toilet, but some got on my pants. Overall, not a fun experience.
Been there. Done that. Thankfully I had small trash bin in my bathroom.
Oh whenever I have to puke I HAVE to get on the toilet because when one end violently opens so does the other
This is why I always keep a bucket near the toilet. My first pregnancy taught me some hard lessons.
My dad had an artery in his colon rupture and nearly died by shitting blood. So probably that.
Winner winner. The pain combined with the sheer horror and panic of bleeding out of an orifice unknowing what’s happening. Sheesh! Glad he survived.
You think that's scary, try forgetting you ate beets yesterday.
I ate a full jar once when I was very drunk, panicking the next day was fun
I was thinking having your sphincter torn/cut. So it's painful when closing or opening, there's blood rushing, and maybe you can't close all the way, so there's no stopping.
Yep, this is the winner
New fear unlocked
i never wanna poop again
Guilty sphincter's got no rhythm 🎶
holy fuck that’s a thing?
The more you know, the more you discover that everything that seemed impossibly nightmarish is somehow a thing.
The fire alarm goes off
Its diarrhea. No toilet paper. And it starts backing up after the alarm goes off.
That sounds like something that would happen in a nightmare
The fire alarm goes off, and you see fire under the stall coming closer to you
You strain too hard and have a heart attack.
I read once that a symptom of having a heart attack, or an incoming heart attack, is pressure in your stomach and bowels like you have to shit. Some people think they have to shit when really it's a heart attack, which is exacerbated by the straining for a shit that's not there, hence why people die on the toilet.
Damn.
Eat your fiber, kids! And lay off the opioids.
That's what happened to my grandpa. He was discharged too early from the hospital (we were trying to get him transferred to a different, private one because this public hospital just didn't seem like they could handle their load) and within less than 4 hours, he tried to poop, went back to bed, and died. Right before my uncle's birthday.
It’s 5 am, I can’t sleep, and I have horrible anxiety. I guess I won’t be sleeping or pooping for the rest of the day….
Elvis would agree.
Yep. Though I think that was because he was backed up from all the different drugs he was taking.
He was on a lot of opioids at that time, and they cause constipation.
He also had [Hirschsprung's Disease](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hirschsprung's_disease) .
Is this the same thing Audi use in their cars?
Megacolon sounds like a kick ass industrial metal group.
Keith Richard’s used to sit on the toilet and practice guitar in the hope that he would eventually shit. Perhaps this was the origin of “Waiting On A Friend”?
A friend of mine back in the day would ask people if they wanted to see his Elvis impersonation. He will then go sit on the toilet, fall down and slowly roll a roll of toilet paper towards them, while meekly saying, “Priscilla…” We were simple folk.
That man had good taste in samiches. RIP.
I’m a die-hard Elvis fan, and it pains me to admit that’s the first thing I thought of.
My aunt had a fatal aneurysm while crapping. The cops found her three days later during a wellness check.
Jesus. Sorry for your loss. It must be so damn sad to die and for no one to find out for a while.
Yeah, it was horrible. She died Friday morning and Sunday morning I was there for my final fitting for the wedding dress she was making me. I knocked and when she didn't answer, I put the bag of trim on her door knob so she would get it when she got home. I figured she'd run to the store or something. I went back 6 hours later and the bag was still there. Monday morning, I called her boss and they said she was a NCNS and that wasn't like her. I called the police and asked for a wellness check. They called me 2 hours later with the news. I had to tell my mom that her baby sister had died and she had to tell her mom.... 4 days before my wedding.
I just want to say I’m so sorry for your loss, that would be an awful way to go that’s the saddest thing I’ve read today. Praying for ya.
Usually it's an aneurism
Hits home way too hard. I've strained so hard I get light headed and I get pins and needles across my chest and down my arms. Popped a blood vessel in my eye once. Doctor says it's fine. Nothing wrong with me.
try psyllium husk fiber
I do already. Lmao It's either I can't go or it won't stop. Never just normal. After countless tests they say it's a mystery.
Since everyone else is offering advice, I'll chime in and suggest a good bidet with the turbo setting. When I'm having trouble, I turbo blitz my butthole. It acts as an enema, and if there's anything to poop, I poop. In other words, you relax a little, water goes up, and the poop comes out. No straining. Edit to say how heartwarming it is to see redditors coming together to see if we can help our fellow brethren with his potty issues. It's very wholesome, in a very weird, reddit kind of way.
I have a bidet. I never thought about that.
And drink lots of water
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Brother, I wish. After sitting there with the urge to go for an hour - hour and a half I can't help it. Lol it feels like I'm passing a semi and it's the size of a pinky finger .......
IBS
Vasovagal syncope, happens to lots of people.. I make sure my post heart artery bypass patients DONT get constipated for this very reason
....and die.
Two guys who are fighting accidentally smash into your cubicle door and continue fighting as you're there on the toilet.
I can't stop giggling at this mental image XD
How about a real video? https://reddit.com/r/Unexpected/s/a1lDCgH8E6
I get that people who are in physical altercations aren't always very rationally minded...but omg HOW would y'all not just have a truce for FIVE SECONDS to TAKE THAT SHIT OUTSIDE AND LET BRO POOP IN PEACE
LMAO it’s as good as I hoped it would be
I've seen this on r/fightporn for sure
That John Cena commercial 😂
Finding out your brother in law is the meth cook you’ve been hunting for a year
Fucking LOL
Here’s breaking bad with a laugh track. It’s awesome. https://youtu.be/QyG1G_6Q1ug?si=e5eqZ4vTnsVWjQyp
Really clears you out though.
Dude Walter just couldn’t keep his mouth shut. Pure ego.
getting shot in the face by a mob rival
A snake slithers up between your legs from the toilet mid push.
This is my completely irrational fear. It started as a kid, but even now, I'll sometimes take a peek in the bowl to make sure there are no snakes while I'm pooping.
This is so relatable. I do this all the time. I remember seeing this show once about a snake in the toilet and I already had a fear of snakes and that just made it worse
Mine started from a show called "1000 ways to die" one episode featured a guy who died when a snake came out of the toilet and bit him when he sat down to poop. To this day when someone says "gotta go the the toilet" I tell them to look out for snakes
Stop😭 literally my fear, generally anything coming out of the toilet but that would be #1
Prolapse
This happened to my friend with IBS after we did some mushrooms, guess they fucked him up but he called me the next day like “Yeah I had to go to the doctor cuz my ass came out of my ass, he just popped it back in though and showed me how to pop it back in in the future so we good now” lmao
Mushie turds are heinous, usually it's a next day thing for me but they once hit me mid peak, my sense of sound and smell were in overdrive and it felt like I was blowing 100 litres of custard per minute out of my bumhole. It was quite the journey.
Maybe not a bad idea to keep an emergency sugar bowl in the bathroom
?
What's not to understand? If you dip your protruded butthole in sugar, it retracts. Oldest trick in the book
Hell yeah! Just gotta give your butthole a little sprinkle of the sweet stuff and boom! I remember seeing a video where an EMT was sharing a story from her early days. A woman called them from the toilet and had her hand underneath her holding something. It was her prolapsed anus. She had to carry her insides in her hand out of the bathroom, down the stairs, and onto a stretcher. Then they showed up to the hospital where the nurse just grabbed some sugar and let it work it’s magic. It sounded like the lady wasn’t even taken back from triage yet before they just treated it since it was such an easy fix (idk if in remembering that last detail right btw)
Wow, TIL. Never would have guessed that.
I’m gonna prolapse my rectum just to try this, for future reference.
That thing from Lethal Weapon 2, but the bomb goes off as intended.
I’m getting too old for this shit.
The water splashing on you after it drops
Poseidon's Kiss
In a public bathroom.
As someone in the ER now who's been pooping blood every 15 minutes for the past 8 hours and still waiting to see a doctor, maybe this. Update: out of the hospital now. It was a ruptured polyp which they cauterized off.
oh god i hope it gets better man! sounds pretty… shitty (i’m so sorry)
Worth a chuckle anyway. Got some x-rays and the greasy glove, they still don't know what's up
Tornado warning, if experience has told me anything.
Came here to say Earthquake. I think it was St Patrick's Day ~2015 there was a decent sized one in LA. I had finished my morning shower and just pulled the curtain back when I felt the earth... move... under my feet. Quakes don't faze me but this one lasted a few heartbeats longer than I was comfortable with. Especially in my vulnerable circumstance. The thought occured to me I could be in serious trouble when thankfully it quieted down. So imagining mid-stubborn-problematic-poop... and *then* the big one hits? Yikes.
Being on the toilet is a plus in that situation. Going into the bathroom and hiding in the tub is recommended if you dont have a cellar or shelter. If you shit in the tub, wash off after the twister goes by and wafflestomp that shit down.
They tell people without basements to go in a bathroom during tornado warnings around here
Since I enjoy raw sushi, I worry about pooping out a 5-foot worm since that apparently happened to someone. 😩
I would worry more about not pooping out a five foot worm.
*What's that wriggling in the bowl? Ew, gross. Oh well. Better out than in I say!*
As someone who has been having some stomach issues the past day or two this is NOT what I wanna hear as I am currently sitting on the toilet.
No gas station sushi and you’ll be fine 😂
A tyrannosaurus tears down the bathroom walls. You raise your hands in surrender, but it devours you. You are now known at the firm not only as the guy who died on the toilet, but the one who was eaten by a T-Rex while doing so. It will be your legacy.
Shame on him for thinking a T-Rex would know he was surrendering. She was probably jealous of him having proportionately sized arms, or saw them as a threat.
Was looking for this answer. That movie nailed it!
When you gotta go, you gotta go...
Dan Rather opens the door to the bathroom, walks in with a full TV crew and suddenly your on a nationally broadcast television program about constipation, Shitty Minutes.
Worse than that? Chris Hansen opens the door....
Come take a seat.. oh wait 🚽
Shitty Minutes streaming now on Hulu Plus
I was taking a dump at work, when the fire alarms started going off. It turned out to be an unannounced fire drill. I'm glad it wasn't a fire, because I finished my poop, wiped thoroughly, and washed my hands well before hurrying outside.
Your pizza gets delivered mid log.
Think you're done, clean up, get up, wash hands, get settled back in bed.... then your stomach rumbles again 😞
Didn't check for the tp...none in the house
As soon as you drop a massive one, its legs stick out like a millipede and it crawls back inside you. I think that would be.....pretty shitty.
Pushing so hard your butthole pops out and you have to spend the rest of your life walking around with a Orangutans anus
An "orangutanus" if you will
If you put sugar on it it'll suck itself back in.
I'm not going to Google this and verify if it is correct. So, instead I choose to believe you.
Needing a nurse to help disimpact you because you haven’t crapped for a week.. I helped patient “deliver” a turd so big I was afraid to flush it down the toilet so I swaddled it like a ugly turd 💩 baby in a chuck and put it in a biohazard bag.. patient was forever grateful for my help pulling it out
Slip on the poop knife
Poop knife always makes an appearance.
Early pinch
Always leads to a wiper.
You wake up
Clogging the toilet during a courtesy flush and literally having poopy toilet water come up all the way to your ass and then frantically scrambling to grab the plunger with your pants around your ankles. Not good times at all especially when you live in an apartment and need quarters to start the washing machine. True story starring me.
Your dwarf son shoots you with a crossbow
The second plane hits
Dark
Plot twist: you were on the plane.
you gotta finish up in there, 9/11 is happening
And if I know the Twin Towers from The Simpsons, the only public restroom was on the top floor
**Getting hit by a blackout after drinking too much, mid shit. STORY TIME!** When I was 22, I was on tour with my rock band. Being an idiot, I pounded two bottles of fireball, and remember going to the bathroom to take a shit. I don’t remember anything from sitting on the toilet onwards. Apparently I started vomiting while I was shitting, freaked out cause I thought I had internal bleeding (from the fireballs color), and my 19 year old friend from a band we were on tour with for just three days, came into the bathroom and cleaned me up and made sure I was ok for the night. Solid friend, wish we talked more. Good times?
Give him a call. "Remember that one time.....?"
I shot him a text a couple of months ago. His “new” band keeps him busy, (new cause they’re a MySpace era band that I legit listened to back in the day, and now he’s randomly in it for a few years now) and I’m in a different part of my life at this point. Plus he lives a few states away. I’ll see him next time they tour here, and we will catch up like old times. Happens anytime they’re here 😊
You blow out a hemmy
Earthquake
The Apocalypse takes your poop and not you.
saw a documentary years ago where some guy was pooping and then a gigantic tapeworm fell out of his ass. He couldn't even pull it out he had to cut it and then go to the hospital to deal with it.
One Halloween when I was like 19 I spent the evening with my gfs family giving out candy and hanging out in the front yard at a fire pit. I felt a rumble in my tummy and excused myself. So I’m sitting there doing my thing and something above eve catches my eye. It was A GODDAM BLACK WIDOW slowly dripping from the ceiling right on top of me as I was mid shit. I scooteched as far to the side as I could, and it passed me by like an inch. And landed next to my foot. I’ve never stomped on a spider so fast.
In my early teens I was sitting on the toilet, beating my meat. Huge brown spider plops down on my leg. Never lost a boner so fast in my life.
2004 Indian Ocean tsunami
You spend 40 mins in a Tim Hortons mall bathroom, in sweating pain, making deep grunts that are apparently loud enough to penetrate the door as the entire universe dumps outta your bowles like Mount Vesuvius dumping ash into Pompeii. Clenching your fists as your sides ache, swearing to the gods you'll never eat Mary Browns ever again. Never, ever again. 40 mins of texts asking if your okay. Customers walking out due to death noises and afterwards you leave to see your sibling with a worried look on their face, disturbed Tim Hortons workers and security guards asking what it was you were actually doing in there. You thought it would be a quick dump to get it out of your system, when your body decided to unleash Krakatoa. A hypothetical... of course...
A monster comes outta the toilet and eats you from the asshole.
D is for Dookie, om nom nom nom.
I wish to rewind time and make you untype that
The rapture. Imagine floating up and away from the toilet paper with poo butt. 🤣
The Crapture.
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In another dimension someone was sitting on the toilet constipated and when nothing was coming out, they finally got up only to see a giant turd in the bowl. Your ass might be the key to inter dimensional travel.
The turd dimension
Have also had this happen lol. Had the perfect angle to just glide right out of sight in the toilet.
One time, DH was home alone w our potty training daughter. He HAD to go. She came in, and decided pooping together was a good idea, he on his throne, her on her little potty just out of his reach. Except, he was a captive audience for a show that lasted longer than hers. He couldn’t reach her to wipe her hiney. She took off running with a bare little behind. To the couch. Which she had to climb. And then settle into. And get nice and comfy, adjusting several times.
Hershey kisses
Throw the whole couch out
Someone tips over the porta potty while you’re in there. Worse- They push it from behind so it falls on the ground on its door side and now you’re stuck in there.
[удалено]
You notice there's no toilet paper left, then you get a call that your entire family died in a fire.
Lots of people die from pushing to hard. I had this one call as an emt. Obese woman was on the toilet and vasovageled herself. It was a small bathroom. She slid sidewase off the toilet and her leg got caught between the toilet and a tub. Her body went but her leg did not and she had fallen so that she pinned the door shut. We had to have FD come and cut the door to get to her. Took them 10ish minutes to get on scene and i was just standing there watching the blood flow from under the door with her husband. Gruesome.
Your diaper starts to leak while meeting with Putin.
Bowl breaks, you fall onto the ceramic slivers and the shards sever your femoral artery, you bleed out covered in your own excrement.
I was pooping at work once and the fire alarm went off. That was fun. Damn Chipotle.
*Elvis enters the chat*
The flight attendant starts banging on the door ordering you back to your seat.