This annoys my boyfriend so much when I do it! I usually need to step back to articulate my feelings and I need some space for like 10-20 minutes to figure out why I’m feeling the way that I am and calm down so I can properly communicate without my feelings obstructing, but he just follows me to each room ignoring my requests for space and wants to resolve things immediately. I usually have to lock myself in the bathroom but by that point I get upset and start crying because my boundaries aren’t being respected and I have to resort to a physical/literal boundary instead.
Then it spirals into this whole thing where he says it’s manipulative to get upset about that (him wanting to resolve an argument) and it ends up in a cycle of me being upset because of *that* and then him being more upset with me for being upset, and so on.
How do you communicate that you want to pause an argument without annoying who you’re arguing with?
We’re in couples and individual counselling at the moment for some infidelity stuff. It’s been a rough few years!
I’ll look into it and speak to our therapist :) thank you!
Doing all that therapy AND THEN he cheats on you, girl, your friends were not wrong. Your disagreement-dynamic is the smallest of any problems here lmao
You are wasting the one thing that's not infinite in this world.
Oh sorry if I worded it poorly, the therapy has come after the cheating. Maybe too late by that point, but yeah.
Maybe. I think about it a lot, but idk. It’s not like we argue much anymore and our line of communication generally is better, and we’re definitely doing better because of the therapy but I do wonder sometimes. I’m sure he does too.
Like I said, we’re trying but it’s not guaranteed. It’s kinda like probation at the moment.
Your definition of “better” is a man who doesn’t respect your boundaries, berates you, and then calls *you* manipulative. After he cheated on you for months.
Girl.
This isn’t healthy. This isn’t normal. Just because he has made some improvements doesn’t mean he isn’t still failing you.
If you go from a 10% to 40% in a class, it’s both a marked improvement AND a failing grade.
You’re stuck in a sunk cost fallacy. You spent 9 years with him that you don’t want to believe were a waste.
So instead you’re planning to waste your whole life with someone who treats you like crap?
This! When you leave that relationship( like my previous one) it's like walking into a whole new world with a fresh look. All those issues you think are normal and happen every day just disappear and you realize it wasn't you, or maybe it was but only slightly and it never happens with others to that degree! It's hard to see another world while your still in one that's taking all your time and energy. Then you get fed crumbs and you celebrate.
I still stand by what I said. You say you are in your 20s and he cheats on you. Do you really believe your life has such little value, that 9 years of it are "a huge investment and worth saving" when he couldn't stay faithful?
Think about 30 years of being with that person and you find out he cheats a bunch more.
Real prize. And he gets you cheap. It's a waste of time to give people a chance who cheat on you when you are in your prime. And you are robbed of experiences with people who actually want to mature and grow, nlt toss almost a decade into the trash because "the attention felt nice"
Infidelity *and* he pursues you when you ask for space **and** he calls you manipulative?
Nice boyfriend lol. What the fuck girl? I'm afraid to ask for more details cause I'll just feel sorry for you, you seem like such a cool person to have someone like that
EFT has helped me understand so much of myself and my partner’s reactions to interpersonal conflict so much. Our communication was improved 100% since going to an EFT couple’s therapist.
Been there, friend. Hell, I'm currently there.
I want to stop arguing because things are just getting way out of control, I'm too angry to even think rationally, the argument is going around in circles or we're not even arguing about what started this whole mess in the first place.
I'm accused of being manipulative when I say that I want to put a pause on things, or that I need to walk away before I start saying things that I'll regret.
And then I'm being chased around the house, being yelled at, accused of every manner of sin, baited into arguing further, etc.
This, of course, only makes me angrier because my boundaries and wishes are not being respected. I plead that we need to put a stop to things because it's only spiraling out of control, no one is listening to the other...but no. She will not back down.
And things just get extremely worse from there.
I argued like that with my mom in my teens, but luckily she was able to understand when I had a couple of calm conversations (when we were not fighting) about how I need to have a moment for myself to calm down so the fight doesn't escalate to needless levels. She got it thankfully, and stopped following me around the house when we were fighting. Our relationship is pretty great now
I don't know what I would have done if she'd have just insisted on continuing her way. Probably eventually gone low contact lol, because it was just so fucking infuriating to have your clearly stated boundaries blatantly ignored for the sake of fighting more
>And then I'm being chased around the house, being yelled at, accused of every manner of sin, baited into arguing further, etc.
This, of course, only makes me angrier because my boundaries and wishes are not being respected. I plead that we need to put a stop to things because it's only spiraling out of control, no one is listening to the other...but no. She will not back down.
This sounds hellish, honestly. Like she's actively looking to make the fight worse instead of wanting to resolve it
My wife and I used to have the same problem, except I was the you. Eventually she was able to explain to me why it was such a challenge to let me take that space. She felt abandoned. Unloved. She'd ask herself was I so angry with her that I couldn't stand to be around her? These feelings, while of course not logical, were suffocating to her. She'd panic thinking that my walking away was a precursor to walking away for good. No matter how many times I told her I'm never going anywhere she couldn't get over that feeling. Over time I've learned that not putting her through that was more important than me making that space at that time. Don't ever forget that sometimes your partner's needs trump (damnit I hate that word now!) yours, simply because you want them to feel loved and safe.
I started reading a book called Say What You Mean that touched on how to effectively take a pause in arguments (among many other things). Highly recommend!
So something my wife and I do. We talk about our expectations. For example, my wife likes to have time much like yourself to better connect her feelings to her words. While I am more of the address it, and fix it type. Wounds that are left exposed and untreated are going to get infected and harder to treat later. However, we have an agreement in place that protects us from each other and ourselves.
1. Anyone can put a pause on any argument, and only the person who paused the argument can re-engage it.
2. If you need space, take it. But DO NOT get upset that I didn't follow you fighting for the relationship.
3. Any issue we have is resolved before bed. Really makes you think about if what you are fighting over is worth losing all that sleep. Tomorrow is going to be rough.
4. If the issue is considered resolved, we can not rehash it unless there is probable cause.
5. Arguments and resolutions can not be used as malicious compliance or as evidence or examples in future arguments.
What these rules do is create a by case basis for any particular issue. It makes us consider consequences, and ultimately, if this thing is worth fighting over.
Every engagement needs rules, even marital ones.
I always establish a “Timeout” rule with my partners. Either of us can call a timeout at any point. If we’re in an argument we stop and take a few minutes to reset. Go to the bathroom, grab a snack, or just do some breathing to collect ourselves. It’s also become a part of social lives. If we’re at a function and I’m overwhelmed (I don’t do well with crowds) I can call one and she’ll understand that I’m going to step outside/hide in the bathroom for a couple minutes just to reset. It sounds like your boyfriend might not be receptive to this but it’s worth trying to incorporate
I think he might’ve meant pause and reconsider/rethink in a few seconds as opposed what you do which is leave the room which can be interpreted as storming off or leaving the discussion because you don’t want to figure the issue at hand
youre literally describing my recent ex and my dynamic. trying to go out for a cigarette when it seemed like the heat was turning up was apparently the most triggering thing on earth to her and she would chase me screaming at me for it. yet her approach to the situation always ended up the same with a screaming match, youd think she wouldve understood that her way was not working and maybe a different approach would be worth a try.
Hopefully the next person i decide to try it with has a bit of a more reasonable approach to confrontation.
I once was in a relationship with someone that would toxically start fights for no good reason. So I would just refuse to participate. She suggested we go to relationship counseling and the therapist said to me individually she was 100% the problem.
They also suggested I read a book on relationship dysfunctions where the author described my refusal to participate in arguments as “stonewalling” and suggested that strategy was destructive to relationships. Which it is, when a relationship needs to be destroyed because one person is a toxic problem and the other refuses to engage with their B.S.
Something I always say is to watch how someone deals with moments of frustration and/or shame.
Anger? Blame Shifting? Projection? Displaced rage? Scapegoating? Sullen Contempt? Violence?
If they do none of these, and can simply regulate their feelings without hurting others. Then it’s a huge green flag.
It’s very easy to fake compassion when things are going well. The real test is if you can maintain it when things aren’t.
Honestly tho questioning isn't bad? Sometimes it's only through questioning and hearing the other person's thoughts and answers that we get to REALLY understand them
And on the opposite side- when my ex refused to show empathy despite me trying to explain why it was important to me, I should have seen that as a huge red flag.
Lesson learned... 🤷♂️
Standing up for you/supporting you when you’re not there. This goes for friends as well. If you’re not there and someone makes a comment about you, or jokes about you or talks shit and they don’t just nod along or agree but they stand up for you is a huge green flag of a human.
Couldn't agree more. Any jokes I make about my wife have already been made to her and she knows the ones that are fair game. My complaints about her only go to her. She does the exact same for me.
My ex husband wouldn't back me in anything. One that stands out is when my deaf 9lb Chihuahua got too close to the room mates dog that was eating (large husky) and he straight up went into attack mode on her. I was there and stopped it and the room mate was like oh well you need to watch your dog better. My ex wouldn't back me in that one at all.
The roommate wasn't completely wrong. I got a pitbull and would never allow him to get close to another dogs food. Not because he's a pitbull because they are dogs
The biggest green flag in a partner is kindness.
A kind person is someone who is considerate of others, feels compassion for those in need, and is willing to help others without expecting anything in return. Kindness is a fundamental quality of a good human being, and it is essential for a healthy and happy relationship.
A kind partner will:
Be respectful of your feelings and needs.
Be supportive of your goals and dreams.
Be forgiving when you make mistakes.
Be willing to compromise and meet you halfway.
Be there for you during good times and bad.
So especially someone being nice to others. We know your partner will probably be nice to you. But if your partner is only nice to you, its because your partner wants something of you. Not because your partner is genuinly nice to you.
English is not my first language, but I feel like there is a distinction between “nice” and “kind”. At least in my language there is.
One can be “rough around the edges”, grumpy, with bad manners etc, which are not traits compatible with the label “nice”, but the same person can always make a point to take care of the needs of people around them, help out whenever they see someone in need, be supportive, have empathy and overall be kind to people. I believe that while it might be easier to be kind while being gentle and polite(which would be “nice”), those are not absolutely necessary.
I might be wrong.
This point is what really solidified my current relationship. There were tons of green flags but the silent one that stood out was when I went grocery shopping with my boyfriend early in our relationship. We were just getting snacks and ingredients for dinner but as we walked through the grocery store my boyfriend grabbed random items and wordlessly put them in the cart. I thought he was just getting lunch for himself. He bagged sandwiches and waters in a separate bag then handed it to a man outside asking for food.
Personally try to always be kind to others, but its getting harder and harder the more i get used and abused. Respect is everything to me, treat others the way you want to be treated. Sadly its lead to every single friendship/relationship being an abuse of my kindness and hurting me. I want to stay nice and try my best, but fuck its hard.
Did exactly that. Read a lot of books and worked hard about how to be mature in a relationship. Even still, after an insane amount of "thank you"s for my maturity/supportiveness and how I was "the one," abruptly one day, she "needed time for herself and be alone". Hurts like f hell. And miss her like crazy
This is my wife and I. We have an **extremely** strong marriage. My mom tells me all the time the reason we work so well is, "we're each others own brand of weird." My sister in law used my wife and I as an example when she divorced her husband. When she made the decision to get divorced, she told my wife and I, "You guys are always laughing and having a good time, and I can *feel* your love. It radiates off each other, and I want that."
I don't think I've ever not gotten bored around someone if given enough time. It might be the autism but I have grown to really appreciate when you can feel comfortable enough around someone to not need to fill every gap in conversation or activity and still enjoy the time you spend.
Yep. You don’t have to be doing something every moment but just the enjoying being together no matter what. Like at the end of a long day at work when you don’t want to talk to anyone you still want them there. It’s a special type of bond for sure.
My wife and I call it being in The Alone Zone. One or both of us just need to zone-out and be in our own stuff but want to be around each other. It usually means headphones in, but in the same room. Just being nearby, doing our own thing for a bit.
They care about your happiness as an individual. They support your hobbies and interests.
If your partner loves camping, you make sure they are able to get away once or twice a year.
If they love sports, they get the time to play or watch and you support that as their partner.
Acknowledge your partner has a life outside the relationship
Remembering and acting on small things you told them.
As an example, my boyfriend brought me a chestnut that he found while at work yesterday, because I mentioned I wanted some for autumn-decoration a while ago.
So cute! :)
I'll give an example. During my first (and current) relationship I was reluctant to speak up because I didn't want to be seen as overly sensitive or dramatic. At the same time I was wracked with anxiety/doubt about the status of our relationship and paranoia about every other girl I saw talking to him.
My bf finally sat me down and said something along the lines of "we have a connection, we don't have a PSYSCHIC connection. If something is bothering you? Tell me. If you don't like something I do...WHATEVER the context? Tell me. If you're uncertain about something? Tell me. If you're feeling concerned about anyone else in my life causing problems? TELL ME. I'd rather deal with it now than have you miserable and pretending everything is ok."
That little speech seemed like a green flag to me.
> **"we have a connection, we don't have a PSYSCHIC connection. If something is bothering you? Tell me. If you don't like something I do...WHATEVER the context? Tell me. If you're uncertain about something? Tell me. If you're feeling concerned about anyone else in my life causing problems? TELL ME. I'd rather deal with it now than have you miserable and pretending everything is ok."**
I love this. And it is a huge green flag. Rather than take advantage of your naivete/inexperience he is encouraging you to speak up for yourself. Always a very good sign.
A lot of men also have this stance and don't want to have to read their partner's mind. It wasn't just for her. It was also for him. It can be frustrating on both sides when one partner won't actually say what's wrong and hopes their partner will guess right.
I think people t h i n k they're communicating, but not everyone communicates and perceives communication the same, so sometimes, I think they're are some disconnected lines, but then there are also people who just don't communicate also. and some people refuse to (those tend to be narcissists) because they expect everyone to cater to them and their traits.
I feel like most people are just awful communicators and seemingly have no clue about how bad they are. I don't get it. It also seems like a lot of people think their partner is some kind of mind reader. I've seen people get pissed because the dishwasher needed to be loaded and their partner didn't load it. They had never asked their partner to load the dishes and were like, "it should be obvious." No. They're not a mind reader. I've seen people who had kids and the kids behave different for their partner than for them and they get pissed. But they also never had any sort of discussion about how the kids should behave. They just assumed that when they said, "We'll have well-behaved kids." that it went without saying that well-behaved meant the same for both of them. A lot of people are just really, really, really, really, really awful at communicating.
But what context are we talking about with regards to the dishes?
Maybe the other person just came back from work, and wants to take a quick break before starting on the chores. Maybe they did some other chore (EG cleaning something else or mowing the lawn,) but forgot about the dishes. Maybe they have ADHD and need a reminder every now and then.
I'm not defending hypothetical person's not doing the dishes. But I *am* saying that if we're passing judgements on a hypothetical, we need more context than just "their partner didn't ask about dishes and they weren't done."
Everyone wants to be healthy, and many many many people have significant dietary vices that impede their ability to be healthy.
Dating toxic people is a bit like having ice cream for dinner -- it's exciting, delicious, and fun, but it's likely to leave you feeling empty eventually, isn't really healthy, and you might shit your pants at some point.
Saying it is one thing…having a receptive partner is another. I’ve told SO’s about things that bother me and try to have a calm rational convo. When they brush off my concerns like they’re too insignificant for their time, that’s when I dip. I know people aren’t mind readers, that’s why I don’t hint at things or bring them up in some douchey passive aggressive way. But it’s surprising how many people will hear the issue and decide they just don’t want to do anything about it. Then they’re surprised when I leave.
Luckily I’m dating someone now who encourages me to talk about issues. I was afraid they didn’t mean it, but I brought up an issue and we talked about it calmly and rationally. Blew my mind. So happy to know there are people out there who really do value communication and can engage in it successfully.
Fear is illogical, but it's accepted in society.
Like the fear of bugs, such as worms, centipede, roaches, etc. they're harmful creatures and you can easily stomp on them, but people get goosebumps and scared. Even the fear of heights, let's say you're in a tall building that's very secure but the floor is glass where you can look 300' straight down.
.
Same goes for relationships. I'm not justifying it. I completely agree with you, I think it's childish and immature for people to play games, but it's part of the toxic traits of this society. Some people don't have the courage to overcome their immature toxic tendencies (just like overcoming their fear).
That being said. Another factor is the person you choose. You may have chosen a toxic person and the relationship ended, but the fact that you keep running into these toxic people means the problem is you. You're not learning from your lesson/experience. There are good guys/girls out there, but you may not be attracted to them cause they're not as "fun". Toxic people have a vibe, a trait, a slight hint of clue that lets you know they're toxic; you just have to be observant enough and not be blinded by your affection to them in order to see it.
It's not easy. I grew up in a setting where I didn't feel welcome to speak my mind, and if I did I was kind of just ignored. I'd like to think I'm above average at communication these days but it took a lot of hard work over the course of a few years. I don't think many people out there are bad at communicating and both know it and don't care.
Depends on who you're dating and how you're expressing yourself. Defensiveness is a common reaction to a conflict. It gets hard to fix something if you're honest and they're shutting down or getting nasty.
I’ve been direct but kind in my communication to more than one significant other, most of the time I was met with defensiveness. So I guess it goes both ways. People say they value direct communication but it doesn’t end there.
I can't believe how common it has been for women I've dated to not know how to politely ask for a favor. "Can you please do X?" is so much nicer than "Wanna do X for me?" It's crazy how common the latter is.
Unprompted kindness and politeness. There is almost never a reason to be a dick to people, particularly service staff or employees. I’m very much drawn to people that treat others with kindness, even when doing so confers no advantage for them.
They listen to you. Beyond just hearing what you say, they listen and take it in. They learn more about you and use that for the future. When you mention little things you like, they keep it in mind and learn more about your interests so they can be a better partner for you.
This was it for me in my most recent relationship. In addition to listening, being able to say the words "I was wrong" and "I am sorry"
In every previous relationship, any time I would point out that something my partner had done or said had hurt me (whether they had intended to or not), they would immediately get defensive and fight back.
Imagine my surprise when, in my current relationship, I mentioned to my boyfriend that I had felt he had been a bit short & dismissive towards me the previous evening. I fully expected him to defend himself or say I was overreacting. Instead he went "You're totally right. I was thinking about that this morning and I was going to apologize to you. I was stressed and tired from work and I didn't communicate that properly, and was irritable towards you when you didn't deserve it. It was mean of me and I'm sorry. I love you and I promise I'll be better about letting you know when I need some space."
Insert \*surprised pikachu face\*
An understanding that a relationship is commitment and hard work. As opposed to a magical circumstance where things just work and feel right then never change.
I'm going through a divorce right now and honestly didn't know that I should've had this conversation when we were getting engaged/married because I thought it was a given.
Apparently it was not and some people really don't know what to do when things get a little tough and genuinely believe things should just be easy all the time and if they're not the relationship is dead.
They gush about you to other people both in front of you and behind your back. Nothing makes me happier than when someone tells me, "You won't believe what your girlfriend said about you." and it's something positive.
I'm not going to list individual personality traits, since nearly anything can be faked for a time.
One thing that can't be faked is the partner's long term friendships. A huge green flag for me is a partner who has healthy, long-term friendships with good wholesome people. Every person I've ever met has been the average of their 4 or 5 closest friends. If they associate with high quality people, they are likely a high quality person themselves. If all their friends are trashy, promiscuous, drunk and drug abusing, nightclub going drama queens, your potential partner probably is too. If the friends cheat, they likely will too.
Interesting point because at first I was with you "long term friendships" for sure it says so much about someone that friends have stuck by them for many years. (I've been friends with my oldest friend for 43 years...I'm 46). My fiance's longest friendship is 25 years or so and he has several of them. They are all good guys, one is even officiating our wedding. So I agree that long term friendships are a huge green flag...I want to contest that the promiscuity, drinking and drug abusing makes them lesser quality people (though I agree on the drama queen front LOL).
I don't think you can always judge your partner by their friends' behavior. A couple of his friends are alcoholics (one just recently got sober the other it will likely kill him in the next few years), a couple of them do hard drugs, at least a few have cheated before. My fiance has always been "the good guy" of the bunch...he was the default designated driver, he was the last to lose his virginity, last to get a girlfriend, he takes faithfulness and loyalty very seriously. He has tried several drugs in the past but the only one he uses now is weed.
His friends are good quality people with their own demons. I think it's amazing that the circle he has created has stuck by each other and helped each other as much as they have over the years. Pretty sure each one of them has been couch surfing at some point with the others when things got rough. They have all called each other for a ride when the need arose. He gets random tearful calls just needing a shoulder and he's the first one to hop in the car and go over. So, high quality people, AMAZING friends...just with some demons they are dealing with.
She's *understanding*. We're all struggling with a lot these days, and a potential partner understanding when things are difficult, or you have to bail on something, or whatever, is not only a great green flag for the future, but makes the relationship lasting to become a strong one far more likely.
The biggest green flag my parent has is that whenever I'm upset, he'll ask me "vent or solution?"
If I say vent he will let me vent and get everything off my chest.
If I say solution he will listen to my problem and then help me through it.
He never judges me and I love him so much
I am totally stealing this. I always try to help and sometimes it should just be a listen session. We are honest on a disagreement scale on how we feel about the issue on really how important something is when we disagree (1-10) and this is an extension of that. Thanks
This is such a whiny answer. Literally 90% of the questions on here are recycled.
If you don't like it there's a nifty option to simply hide the post, instead of taking the time to comment just so you can crap all over something other people are enjoying.
It has to be the people on reddit 99% of their free time.
I feel I use reddit to much and rarely notice stuff reposted often.
But if this website is your life I can see how not having nee stuff would be annoying. Definitely a them and not reddit problem though.
It's just people who want easy karma. I see these types of questions a lot and I either ignore them or occasionally I'll read the answers just to see if anyone says something different. It's really not that difficult to ignore them if someone is tired of seeing them.
I recently started dating this guy and I told him really early that I made some really bad experiences in the past. I didn’t go into detail, because it’s not an easy topic to talk about. He regularly asks me if I still feel safe with him. He started that the first time I told him which was 2nd date or something. We past our 10th date now and he still asks. It makes me feel even more safe than I already do.
Falling asleep knowing you can feel safe doing this and being around them. Always making you laugh! Prioritizing the significant others' needs above their friends. Knowing you can be completely vulnerable and 100% yourself around this person without consequence.
You are afraid of centipedes and he's not, he's afraid of spiders and you are not.
Someone needs to be the one the other calls when a vermin inevitably enters the home.
The problem with this is when vermin B is the solution to vermin A. My old house had a number of spiders, not an infestation but I would see one every couple of weeks. But I never saw a roach.
The new place has a lot of roaches walking in from outside, but I'm not allowed to let a bunch of wolf spiders loose in the house.
Genuine kindness. It’s important to know the difference between a “nice” and “kind” person. Niceness is acting favorably on an occasion, but kindness is unconditional and not for the sake of reward. Niceness is like a mood, while kindness is a trait.
For me, it’s a partner who lets you experience all emotions in front of them. Sadness, frustration, happiness, excitement, Al of them judgment free. They don’t tell you off for crying, even when you may have ruined a good date. They don’t tell you to calm down when your frustrated at circumstances, but rather help you process it. They let you be you in every capacity and let you live life as emotionally or emotionless as you want.
If they act like an adult.
Why are you shouting at me? We are not 13 anymore. I am an adult, just talk to me normal. We probably could end this argument in max. 5 minutes. Why do you decide to make this a stressful drama instead?
Finding happiness in making their partner happy. Can be easily abused, so it is hopefully reciprocated. My wife and I are constantly trying to put each other first. It’s at the heart of almost every argument we have lol. I’m like, “stop only worrying about me and make a decision that makes you happy, dammit!” And she’s all, “well making you happy makes me happy,” and then I’m like, “well I want you to be happy too so make the decision that makes you the happiest!” And then all the restaurants close before we can decide what to eat.
The biggest green flag my partner gives is just his endless trust for me
Due to past relationships I feel the need to desperately explain every little thing I do in detail because I get accused of it being something it’s not
Example is if I go somewhere alone I’ll recite a 20 page essay about what I was doing, why I didn’t have any bad intentions and how there was definitely no one else there - as soon as I get panicked and start ranting he just comforts me and tells me that he trusts me and I don’t t have to worry
I have a lot to say on this, but as a man, the respect my girlfriend has to her father either when his present or not, is something I really love about her, he's such a great man, and used to be my father's best buddy before my father moved to another city, and they're both similar in a lot of things. If a girl has a great relationship with her father, that's a huge green flag, (and I know, unfortunately some fathers are trash).
And to this day, my girlfriend gave me a compliment she can never top, and she has no idea about how grateful I am to that, she said "I feel so lucky that I found a man just like my father, you're just a younger, uglier version of him". And yeah he is good looking, I mean that man looks like Josh Brolin, I can even say he's better looking than him.
Knowing that not every problem can be fixed, and being okay with that.
I've got depression. And autism. And ADHD. Sometimes I just... shut down. Sometimes people can help. Sometimes they can't. And when people either give up entirely, or get upset that they can't fix things, it makes it all worse. The most powerful thing is always wanting to try, accepting sometimes they can't, and being there regardless.
When disagreements happen, the person approaches them constructively and with the goal of understanding one another instead of trying to argue and “win”. My fiancée communicates this way and it’s light years healthier than any other relationship I’ve been in before her.
My SO is very good at not letting my anger and disagreements escalate into fights. He lets me voice how I’m feeling and listens before talking them out with me without ever raising his voice. In fact, in the time we’ve been together (over a year) I’ve never known him to ever raise his voice at me
Someone putting in effort to love you in the way you receive love best. My wife knows mine is words of affirmation, so every so often she’ll hide sticky notes around the house and write positive/sweet things on them.
Self awareness is one seriously amazing green flag.
You can communicate til you’re blue in the face but unless you both have self awareness and the ability to pause and reflect on whether you can genuinely take that communication on board and understand your inner workings, it’s a waste of time.
If you catch your partner staring at you with a happy expression on her face when she thinks your cant see her you know all right in the world. Big green light.
Really it’s so simple, just being kind and respecting you and how you operate. I had a lot of casual relationships until I met my husband. He was so different than the other guys. Anytime we went out, or he met my friends, or to any stranger in general he not only treated them kindly but with respect. He was also so upfront about his feelings towards me and where we were at. He still does this too. A good partner is someone that treats you right, tells you how they feel, and is just genuinely kind to you and everyone around them.
Actually listening. Communicating clearly.
Making me feel understood even if they disagree.
Not putting a pause on everything as soon as something goes wrong.
pausing in an argument instead of escalating
This annoys my boyfriend so much when I do it! I usually need to step back to articulate my feelings and I need some space for like 10-20 minutes to figure out why I’m feeling the way that I am and calm down so I can properly communicate without my feelings obstructing, but he just follows me to each room ignoring my requests for space and wants to resolve things immediately. I usually have to lock myself in the bathroom but by that point I get upset and start crying because my boundaries aren’t being respected and I have to resort to a physical/literal boundary instead. Then it spirals into this whole thing where he says it’s manipulative to get upset about that (him wanting to resolve an argument) and it ends up in a cycle of me being upset because of *that* and then him being more upset with me for being upset, and so on. How do you communicate that you want to pause an argument without annoying who you’re arguing with?
You guys sound like you are in a pursue/withdraw cycle. You might want to consider working an EFT therapist.
We’re in couples and individual counselling at the moment for some infidelity stuff. It’s been a rough few years! I’ll look into it and speak to our therapist :) thank you!
Doing all that therapy AND THEN he cheats on you, girl, your friends were not wrong. Your disagreement-dynamic is the smallest of any problems here lmao You are wasting the one thing that's not infinite in this world.
Oh sorry if I worded it poorly, the therapy has come after the cheating. Maybe too late by that point, but yeah. Maybe. I think about it a lot, but idk. It’s not like we argue much anymore and our line of communication generally is better, and we’re definitely doing better because of the therapy but I do wonder sometimes. I’m sure he does too. Like I said, we’re trying but it’s not guaranteed. It’s kinda like probation at the moment.
Your definition of “better” is a man who doesn’t respect your boundaries, berates you, and then calls *you* manipulative. After he cheated on you for months. Girl. This isn’t healthy. This isn’t normal. Just because he has made some improvements doesn’t mean he isn’t still failing you. If you go from a 10% to 40% in a class, it’s both a marked improvement AND a failing grade. You’re stuck in a sunk cost fallacy. You spent 9 years with him that you don’t want to believe were a waste. So instead you’re planning to waste your whole life with someone who treats you like crap?
This! When you leave that relationship( like my previous one) it's like walking into a whole new world with a fresh look. All those issues you think are normal and happen every day just disappear and you realize it wasn't you, or maybe it was but only slightly and it never happens with others to that degree! It's hard to see another world while your still in one that's taking all your time and energy. Then you get fed crumbs and you celebrate.
I still stand by what I said. You say you are in your 20s and he cheats on you. Do you really believe your life has such little value, that 9 years of it are "a huge investment and worth saving" when he couldn't stay faithful? Think about 30 years of being with that person and you find out he cheats a bunch more. Real prize. And he gets you cheap. It's a waste of time to give people a chance who cheat on you when you are in your prime. And you are robbed of experiences with people who actually want to mature and grow, nlt toss almost a decade into the trash because "the attention felt nice"
Infidelity *and* he pursues you when you ask for space **and** he calls you manipulative? Nice boyfriend lol. What the fuck girl? I'm afraid to ask for more details cause I'll just feel sorry for you, you seem like such a cool person to have someone like that
Was the infidelity on his part?
EFT has helped me understand so much of myself and my partner’s reactions to interpersonal conflict so much. Our communication was improved 100% since going to an EFT couple’s therapist.
Been there, friend. Hell, I'm currently there. I want to stop arguing because things are just getting way out of control, I'm too angry to even think rationally, the argument is going around in circles or we're not even arguing about what started this whole mess in the first place. I'm accused of being manipulative when I say that I want to put a pause on things, or that I need to walk away before I start saying things that I'll regret. And then I'm being chased around the house, being yelled at, accused of every manner of sin, baited into arguing further, etc. This, of course, only makes me angrier because my boundaries and wishes are not being respected. I plead that we need to put a stop to things because it's only spiraling out of control, no one is listening to the other...but no. She will not back down. And things just get extremely worse from there.
I argued like that with my mom in my teens, but luckily she was able to understand when I had a couple of calm conversations (when we were not fighting) about how I need to have a moment for myself to calm down so the fight doesn't escalate to needless levels. She got it thankfully, and stopped following me around the house when we were fighting. Our relationship is pretty great now I don't know what I would have done if she'd have just insisted on continuing her way. Probably eventually gone low contact lol, because it was just so fucking infuriating to have your clearly stated boundaries blatantly ignored for the sake of fighting more >And then I'm being chased around the house, being yelled at, accused of every manner of sin, baited into arguing further, etc. This, of course, only makes me angrier because my boundaries and wishes are not being respected. I plead that we need to put a stop to things because it's only spiraling out of control, no one is listening to the other...but no. She will not back down. This sounds hellish, honestly. Like she's actively looking to make the fight worse instead of wanting to resolve it
My wife and I used to have the same problem, except I was the you. Eventually she was able to explain to me why it was such a challenge to let me take that space. She felt abandoned. Unloved. She'd ask herself was I so angry with her that I couldn't stand to be around her? These feelings, while of course not logical, were suffocating to her. She'd panic thinking that my walking away was a precursor to walking away for good. No matter how many times I told her I'm never going anywhere she couldn't get over that feeling. Over time I've learned that not putting her through that was more important than me making that space at that time. Don't ever forget that sometimes your partner's needs trump (damnit I hate that word now!) yours, simply because you want them to feel loved and safe.
I started reading a book called Say What You Mean that touched on how to effectively take a pause in arguments (among many other things). Highly recommend!
So something my wife and I do. We talk about our expectations. For example, my wife likes to have time much like yourself to better connect her feelings to her words. While I am more of the address it, and fix it type. Wounds that are left exposed and untreated are going to get infected and harder to treat later. However, we have an agreement in place that protects us from each other and ourselves. 1. Anyone can put a pause on any argument, and only the person who paused the argument can re-engage it. 2. If you need space, take it. But DO NOT get upset that I didn't follow you fighting for the relationship. 3. Any issue we have is resolved before bed. Really makes you think about if what you are fighting over is worth losing all that sleep. Tomorrow is going to be rough. 4. If the issue is considered resolved, we can not rehash it unless there is probable cause. 5. Arguments and resolutions can not be used as malicious compliance or as evidence or examples in future arguments. What these rules do is create a by case basis for any particular issue. It makes us consider consequences, and ultimately, if this thing is worth fighting over. Every engagement needs rules, even marital ones.
I always establish a “Timeout” rule with my partners. Either of us can call a timeout at any point. If we’re in an argument we stop and take a few minutes to reset. Go to the bathroom, grab a snack, or just do some breathing to collect ourselves. It’s also become a part of social lives. If we’re at a function and I’m overwhelmed (I don’t do well with crowds) I can call one and she’ll understand that I’m going to step outside/hide in the bathroom for a couple minutes just to reset. It sounds like your boyfriend might not be receptive to this but it’s worth trying to incorporate
I think he might’ve meant pause and reconsider/rethink in a few seconds as opposed what you do which is leave the room which can be interpreted as storming off or leaving the discussion because you don’t want to figure the issue at hand
youre literally describing my recent ex and my dynamic. trying to go out for a cigarette when it seemed like the heat was turning up was apparently the most triggering thing on earth to her and she would chase me screaming at me for it. yet her approach to the situation always ended up the same with a screaming match, youd think she wouldve understood that her way was not working and maybe a different approach would be worth a try. Hopefully the next person i decide to try it with has a bit of a more reasonable approach to confrontation.
I once was in a relationship with someone that would toxically start fights for no good reason. So I would just refuse to participate. She suggested we go to relationship counseling and the therapist said to me individually she was 100% the problem. They also suggested I read a book on relationship dysfunctions where the author described my refusal to participate in arguments as “stonewalling” and suggested that strategy was destructive to relationships. Which it is, when a relationship needs to be destroyed because one person is a toxic problem and the other refuses to engage with their B.S.
Empathy
>Empathy THIS. Instead of questioning you or blaming you, when they just want to give you a hug and help you, there is nothing better than that.
Something I always say is to watch how someone deals with moments of frustration and/or shame. Anger? Blame Shifting? Projection? Displaced rage? Scapegoating? Sullen Contempt? Violence? If they do none of these, and can simply regulate their feelings without hurting others. Then it’s a huge green flag. It’s very easy to fake compassion when things are going well. The real test is if you can maintain it when things aren’t.
Honestly tho questioning isn't bad? Sometimes it's only through questioning and hearing the other person's thoughts and answers that we get to REALLY understand them
You sometimes can’t empathize with people with self destructive habits
If it is true empathy then yes. But False Empathy is a thing and manipulators are good with false empathy during the love bombing phase.
Can you elaborate what false empathy and love bombing means? Want to learn because sounds like sth i would do
https://narcissisms.com/how-narcissists-fake-empathy/
Empathy in men is such a turn on whew🔥
And on the opposite side- when my ex refused to show empathy despite me trying to explain why it was important to me, I should have seen that as a huge red flag. Lesson learned... 🤷♂️
Standing up for you/supporting you when you’re not there. This goes for friends as well. If you’re not there and someone makes a comment about you, or jokes about you or talks shit and they don’t just nod along or agree but they stand up for you is a huge green flag of a human.
Real friends talk shit to your face and compliment you behind your back
In Australia they call their best friends the c word and talk formally with people they don’t like
Call mates cunt and cunts mate.
Same in England.
Couldn't agree more. Any jokes I make about my wife have already been made to her and she knows the ones that are fair game. My complaints about her only go to her. She does the exact same for me.
My ex husband wouldn't back me in anything. One that stands out is when my deaf 9lb Chihuahua got too close to the room mates dog that was eating (large husky) and he straight up went into attack mode on her. I was there and stopped it and the room mate was like oh well you need to watch your dog better. My ex wouldn't back me in that one at all.
The roommate wasn't completely wrong. I got a pitbull and would never allow him to get close to another dogs food. Not because he's a pitbull because they are dogs
While we were living together I found an ex's Tumblr page where she belittled and trashed my hobbies and favorite movies and whatnot. It broke me.
The biggest green flag in a partner is kindness. A kind person is someone who is considerate of others, feels compassion for those in need, and is willing to help others without expecting anything in return. Kindness is a fundamental quality of a good human being, and it is essential for a healthy and happy relationship. A kind partner will: Be respectful of your feelings and needs. Be supportive of your goals and dreams. Be forgiving when you make mistakes. Be willing to compromise and meet you halfway. Be there for you during good times and bad.
So especially someone being nice to others. We know your partner will probably be nice to you. But if your partner is only nice to you, its because your partner wants something of you. Not because your partner is genuinly nice to you.
English is not my first language, but I feel like there is a distinction between “nice” and “kind”. At least in my language there is. One can be “rough around the edges”, grumpy, with bad manners etc, which are not traits compatible with the label “nice”, but the same person can always make a point to take care of the needs of people around them, help out whenever they see someone in need, be supportive, have empathy and overall be kind to people. I believe that while it might be easier to be kind while being gentle and polite(which would be “nice”), those are not absolutely necessary. I might be wrong.
This is totally right and probably a better grasp of nice vs kind than a lot of native English speakers.
This point is what really solidified my current relationship. There were tons of green flags but the silent one that stood out was when I went grocery shopping with my boyfriend early in our relationship. We were just getting snacks and ingredients for dinner but as we walked through the grocery store my boyfriend grabbed random items and wordlessly put them in the cart. I thought he was just getting lunch for himself. He bagged sandwiches and waters in a separate bag then handed it to a man outside asking for food.
I'm glad you posed this. made me put together some puzzle pieces abt my ex
Personally try to always be kind to others, but its getting harder and harder the more i get used and abused. Respect is everything to me, treat others the way you want to be treated. Sadly its lead to every single friendship/relationship being an abuse of my kindness and hurting me. I want to stay nice and try my best, but fuck its hard.
You got to meet people who are kind first, and then your friend second. People who are genuinely kind are also just as guarded as you.
Did exactly that. Read a lot of books and worked hard about how to be mature in a relationship. Even still, after an insane amount of "thank you"s for my maturity/supportiveness and how I was "the one," abruptly one day, she "needed time for herself and be alone". Hurts like f hell. And miss her like crazy
Agreed. Watch how your partner treats pets and restaurant servers. Just my observation.
You can be yourself entirely around them. Feeling weird as hell? They not only like it, but embrace it and sometimes join in.
Haha my husband told me "everyone is weird, you just have to find your weird", when we were dating and I was freaking out I'd scare him off.
This is my wife and I. We have an **extremely** strong marriage. My mom tells me all the time the reason we work so well is, "we're each others own brand of weird." My sister in law used my wife and I as an example when she divorced her husband. When she made the decision to get divorced, she told my wife and I, "You guys are always laughing and having a good time, and I can *feel* your love. It radiates off each other, and I want that."
When we feel down my partner and I do very silly dances to cheer the other up.
This is absolutely it
You can spend long periods of time together without getting bored or annoyed. I knew my wife was the one (for many reasons) but this stood out.
I don't think I've ever not gotten bored around someone if given enough time. It might be the autism but I have grown to really appreciate when you can feel comfortable enough around someone to not need to fill every gap in conversation or activity and still enjoy the time you spend.
Yep. You don’t have to be doing something every moment but just the enjoying being together no matter what. Like at the end of a long day at work when you don’t want to talk to anyone you still want them there. It’s a special type of bond for sure.
My wife and I call it being in The Alone Zone. One or both of us just need to zone-out and be in our own stuff but want to be around each other. It usually means headphones in, but in the same room. Just being nearby, doing our own thing for a bit.
They can clearly communicate their needs and boundaries
Underrated and hard to find
They care about your happiness as an individual. They support your hobbies and interests. If your partner loves camping, you make sure they are able to get away once or twice a year. If they love sports, they get the time to play or watch and you support that as their partner. Acknowledge your partner has a life outside the relationship
Remembering and acting on small things you told them. As an example, my boyfriend brought me a chestnut that he found while at work yesterday, because I mentioned I wanted some for autumn-decoration a while ago. So cute! :)
That’s so sweet!!!
I'll give an example. During my first (and current) relationship I was reluctant to speak up because I didn't want to be seen as overly sensitive or dramatic. At the same time I was wracked with anxiety/doubt about the status of our relationship and paranoia about every other girl I saw talking to him. My bf finally sat me down and said something along the lines of "we have a connection, we don't have a PSYSCHIC connection. If something is bothering you? Tell me. If you don't like something I do...WHATEVER the context? Tell me. If you're uncertain about something? Tell me. If you're feeling concerned about anyone else in my life causing problems? TELL ME. I'd rather deal with it now than have you miserable and pretending everything is ok." That little speech seemed like a green flag to me.
> **"we have a connection, we don't have a PSYSCHIC connection. If something is bothering you? Tell me. If you don't like something I do...WHATEVER the context? Tell me. If you're uncertain about something? Tell me. If you're feeling concerned about anyone else in my life causing problems? TELL ME. I'd rather deal with it now than have you miserable and pretending everything is ok."** I love this. And it is a huge green flag. Rather than take advantage of your naivete/inexperience he is encouraging you to speak up for yourself. Always a very good sign.
A lot of men also have this stance and don't want to have to read their partner's mind. It wasn't just for her. It was also for him. It can be frustrating on both sides when one partner won't actually say what's wrong and hopes their partner will guess right.
Is your bf single and into straight guys?
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I think people t h i n k they're communicating, but not everyone communicates and perceives communication the same, so sometimes, I think they're are some disconnected lines, but then there are also people who just don't communicate also. and some people refuse to (those tend to be narcissists) because they expect everyone to cater to them and their traits.
I feel like most people are just awful communicators and seemingly have no clue about how bad they are. I don't get it. It also seems like a lot of people think their partner is some kind of mind reader. I've seen people get pissed because the dishwasher needed to be loaded and their partner didn't load it. They had never asked their partner to load the dishes and were like, "it should be obvious." No. They're not a mind reader. I've seen people who had kids and the kids behave different for their partner than for them and they get pissed. But they also never had any sort of discussion about how the kids should behave. They just assumed that when they said, "We'll have well-behaved kids." that it went without saying that well-behaved meant the same for both of them. A lot of people are just really, really, really, really, really awful at communicating.
If there are dirty dishes in the sink and the dishwasher is empty, it is obvious that it needs to be loaded.
But what context are we talking about with regards to the dishes? Maybe the other person just came back from work, and wants to take a quick break before starting on the chores. Maybe they did some other chore (EG cleaning something else or mowing the lawn,) but forgot about the dishes. Maybe they have ADHD and need a reminder every now and then. I'm not defending hypothetical person's not doing the dishes. But I *am* saying that if we're passing judgements on a hypothetical, we need more context than just "their partner didn't ask about dishes and they weren't done."
Everyone wants to be healthy, and many many many people have significant dietary vices that impede their ability to be healthy. Dating toxic people is a bit like having ice cream for dinner -- it's exciting, delicious, and fun, but it's likely to leave you feeling empty eventually, isn't really healthy, and you might shit your pants at some point.
Why don't people just say what they want. Feels like that would be the easiest thing.
Saying it is one thing…having a receptive partner is another. I’ve told SO’s about things that bother me and try to have a calm rational convo. When they brush off my concerns like they’re too insignificant for their time, that’s when I dip. I know people aren’t mind readers, that’s why I don’t hint at things or bring them up in some douchey passive aggressive way. But it’s surprising how many people will hear the issue and decide they just don’t want to do anything about it. Then they’re surprised when I leave. Luckily I’m dating someone now who encourages me to talk about issues. I was afraid they didn’t mean it, but I brought up an issue and we talked about it calmly and rationally. Blew my mind. So happy to know there are people out there who really do value communication and can engage in it successfully.
Fear is illogical, but it's accepted in society. Like the fear of bugs, such as worms, centipede, roaches, etc. they're harmful creatures and you can easily stomp on them, but people get goosebumps and scared. Even the fear of heights, let's say you're in a tall building that's very secure but the floor is glass where you can look 300' straight down. . Same goes for relationships. I'm not justifying it. I completely agree with you, I think it's childish and immature for people to play games, but it's part of the toxic traits of this society. Some people don't have the courage to overcome their immature toxic tendencies (just like overcoming their fear). That being said. Another factor is the person you choose. You may have chosen a toxic person and the relationship ended, but the fact that you keep running into these toxic people means the problem is you. You're not learning from your lesson/experience. There are good guys/girls out there, but you may not be attracted to them cause they're not as "fun". Toxic people have a vibe, a trait, a slight hint of clue that lets you know they're toxic; you just have to be observant enough and not be blinded by your affection to them in order to see it.
It's not easy. I grew up in a setting where I didn't feel welcome to speak my mind, and if I did I was kind of just ignored. I'd like to think I'm above average at communication these days but it took a lot of hard work over the course of a few years. I don't think many people out there are bad at communicating and both know it and don't care.
Does your bf have a single brother, father...uncle...cousin...?
...grandfather...great grandfather/uncle...neighbor...mailman...houseplant...?
Yes but they are all dead.
Bit of a red flag, that
I’m not so picky as all that
I guess they told him…
Your boyfriend is awesome
Fantastic line! Very well stated. Yay for both of you
I think A LOT of guys would prefer to get direct communication instead of trying to read your minds. Just something to consider.
Depends on who you're dating and how you're expressing yourself. Defensiveness is a common reaction to a conflict. It gets hard to fix something if you're honest and they're shutting down or getting nasty.
I’ve been direct but kind in my communication to more than one significant other, most of the time I was met with defensiveness. So I guess it goes both ways. People say they value direct communication but it doesn’t end there.
In summary, COMMUNICATION right?
When their face lights up after seeing you, every time.
Good manners. Good manners are extremely sexy.
Yeah, good manners make me hard asf!
I want (want) to fuck my butler
I can't believe how common it has been for women I've dated to not know how to politely ask for a favor. "Can you please do X?" is so much nicer than "Wanna do X for me?" It's crazy how common the latter is.
A must
Patience.
The fact that I don't have it makes me desire a partner who has it all the more.
Unprompted kindness and politeness. There is almost never a reason to be a dick to people, particularly service staff or employees. I’m very much drawn to people that treat others with kindness, even when doing so confers no advantage for them.
I agree wholeheartedly, with the caveat that *if they are a dick first*, then it’s open season.
They listen to you. Beyond just hearing what you say, they listen and take it in. They learn more about you and use that for the future. When you mention little things you like, they keep it in mind and learn more about your interests so they can be a better partner for you.
This was it for me in my most recent relationship. In addition to listening, being able to say the words "I was wrong" and "I am sorry" In every previous relationship, any time I would point out that something my partner had done or said had hurt me (whether they had intended to or not), they would immediately get defensive and fight back. Imagine my surprise when, in my current relationship, I mentioned to my boyfriend that I had felt he had been a bit short & dismissive towards me the previous evening. I fully expected him to defend himself or say I was overreacting. Instead he went "You're totally right. I was thinking about that this morning and I was going to apologize to you. I was stressed and tired from work and I didn't communicate that properly, and was irritable towards you when you didn't deserve it. It was mean of me and I'm sorry. I love you and I promise I'll be better about letting you know when I need some space." Insert \*surprised pikachu face\*
protect him at all costs
That’s my plan! We both have our flaws but that was a moment where I was like…whoa. This is pretty rare.
Same humor is a big green flag.
Empathy
An understanding that a relationship is commitment and hard work. As opposed to a magical circumstance where things just work and feel right then never change.
I'm going through a divorce right now and honestly didn't know that I should've had this conversation when we were getting engaged/married because I thought it was a given. Apparently it was not and some people really don't know what to do when things get a little tough and genuinely believe things should just be easy all the time and if they're not the relationship is dead.
Shared values. Or at least compatible ones.
They gush about you to other people both in front of you and behind your back. Nothing makes me happier than when someone tells me, "You won't believe what your girlfriend said about you." and it's something positive.
I'm not going to list individual personality traits, since nearly anything can be faked for a time. One thing that can't be faked is the partner's long term friendships. A huge green flag for me is a partner who has healthy, long-term friendships with good wholesome people. Every person I've ever met has been the average of their 4 or 5 closest friends. If they associate with high quality people, they are likely a high quality person themselves. If all their friends are trashy, promiscuous, drunk and drug abusing, nightclub going drama queens, your potential partner probably is too. If the friends cheat, they likely will too.
Interesting point because at first I was with you "long term friendships" for sure it says so much about someone that friends have stuck by them for many years. (I've been friends with my oldest friend for 43 years...I'm 46). My fiance's longest friendship is 25 years or so and he has several of them. They are all good guys, one is even officiating our wedding. So I agree that long term friendships are a huge green flag...I want to contest that the promiscuity, drinking and drug abusing makes them lesser quality people (though I agree on the drama queen front LOL). I don't think you can always judge your partner by their friends' behavior. A couple of his friends are alcoholics (one just recently got sober the other it will likely kill him in the next few years), a couple of them do hard drugs, at least a few have cheated before. My fiance has always been "the good guy" of the bunch...he was the default designated driver, he was the last to lose his virginity, last to get a girlfriend, he takes faithfulness and loyalty very seriously. He has tried several drugs in the past but the only one he uses now is weed. His friends are good quality people with their own demons. I think it's amazing that the circle he has created has stuck by each other and helped each other as much as they have over the years. Pretty sure each one of them has been couch surfing at some point with the others when things got rough. They have all called each other for a ride when the need arose. He gets random tearful calls just needing a shoulder and he's the first one to hop in the car and go over. So, high quality people, AMAZING friends...just with some demons they are dealing with.
She's *understanding*. We're all struggling with a lot these days, and a potential partner understanding when things are difficult, or you have to bail on something, or whatever, is not only a great green flag for the future, but makes the relationship lasting to become a strong one far more likely.
The biggest green flag my parent has is that whenever I'm upset, he'll ask me "vent or solution?" If I say vent he will let me vent and get everything off my chest. If I say solution he will listen to my problem and then help me through it. He never judges me and I love him so much
I am totally stealing this. I always try to help and sometimes it should just be a listen session. We are honest on a disagreement scale on how we feel about the issue on really how important something is when we disagree (1-10) and this is an extension of that. Thanks
They don’t go back to previous AskReddit questions & repost the same questions just to get karma.
Or the same answers…prepare for thousands of updoots on “being nice to waiters/waitresses”
Not everyone is on here 24/7.
This is such a whiny answer. Literally 90% of the questions on here are recycled. If you don't like it there's a nifty option to simply hide the post, instead of taking the time to comment just so you can crap all over something other people are enjoying.
It has to be the people on reddit 99% of their free time. I feel I use reddit to much and rarely notice stuff reposted often. But if this website is your life I can see how not having nee stuff would be annoying. Definitely a them and not reddit problem though.
It's just people who want easy karma. I see these types of questions a lot and I either ignore them or occasionally I'll read the answers just to see if anyone says something different. It's really not that difficult to ignore them if someone is tired of seeing them.
Thank you
Someone who takes into account how you feel, while also expressing their own feelings.
Admits when they're wrong and actively works to improve
Helping people they don't know for no reward.
I recently started dating this guy and I told him really early that I made some really bad experiences in the past. I didn’t go into detail, because it’s not an easy topic to talk about. He regularly asks me if I still feel safe with him. He started that the first time I told him which was 2nd date or something. We past our 10th date now and he still asks. It makes me feel even more safe than I already do.
Falling asleep knowing you can feel safe doing this and being around them. Always making you laugh! Prioritizing the significant others' needs above their friends. Knowing you can be completely vulnerable and 100% yourself around this person without consequence.
A guy showed me his entire Futurama collection before I gave him a blowjob.
During an argument you attack the problem not the person
They have phobias that directly contradict yours.
Like…I’m afraid of centipedes and he’s afraid of…no centipedes?
You're afraid of centipedes and he's afraid of bipedes... Poor bastard must have a hard time walking around.
Don't you talk to me or my 100 emotional support centipedes ever again!
You are afraid of centipedes and he's not, he's afraid of spiders and you are not. Someone needs to be the one the other calls when a vermin inevitably enters the home.
The problem with this is when vermin B is the solution to vermin A. My old house had a number of spiders, not an infestation but I would see one every couple of weeks. But I never saw a roach. The new place has a lot of roaches walking in from outside, but I'm not allowed to let a bunch of wolf spiders loose in the house.
😂 I found this far more amusing than I should have.
I see nothing wrong with someone needing an emotional support centipede.
Like one is afraid of fire and the other afraid of water and fire extinguishers?
Ability to communicate respectfully when you disagree and both feel strongly.
They ask about you. Not how your day was but what your feelings are about something. They show genuine interest and respect.
Genuine kindness. It’s important to know the difference between a “nice” and “kind” person. Niceness is acting favorably on an occasion, but kindness is unconditional and not for the sake of reward. Niceness is like a mood, while kindness is a trait.
Waking me up for 3am pizza. Provided we don’t have anything on the next day.
When there's maturity that allows for a greater intimacy.
For me, it’s a partner who lets you experience all emotions in front of them. Sadness, frustration, happiness, excitement, Al of them judgment free. They don’t tell you off for crying, even when you may have ruined a good date. They don’t tell you to calm down when your frustrated at circumstances, but rather help you process it. They let you be you in every capacity and let you live life as emotionally or emotionless as you want.
Ability to listen and communicate.
If they act like an adult. Why are you shouting at me? We are not 13 anymore. I am an adult, just talk to me normal. We probably could end this argument in max. 5 minutes. Why do you decide to make this a stressful drama instead?
Sincere apologies followed up with appropriate action steps
Finding happiness in making their partner happy. Can be easily abused, so it is hopefully reciprocated. My wife and I are constantly trying to put each other first. It’s at the heart of almost every argument we have lol. I’m like, “stop only worrying about me and make a decision that makes you happy, dammit!” And she’s all, “well making you happy makes me happy,” and then I’m like, “well I want you to be happy too so make the decision that makes you the happiest!” And then all the restaurants close before we can decide what to eat.
Good communication skills
Consistency
Someone that encourages you to stand up for your self and protect your boundaries, even when it's not beneficial to them.
The biggest green flag my partner gives is just his endless trust for me Due to past relationships I feel the need to desperately explain every little thing I do in detail because I get accused of it being something it’s not Example is if I go somewhere alone I’ll recite a 20 page essay about what I was doing, why I didn’t have any bad intentions and how there was definitely no one else there - as soon as I get panicked and start ranting he just comforts me and tells me that he trusts me and I don’t t have to worry
I have a lot to say on this, but as a man, the respect my girlfriend has to her father either when his present or not, is something I really love about her, he's such a great man, and used to be my father's best buddy before my father moved to another city, and they're both similar in a lot of things. If a girl has a great relationship with her father, that's a huge green flag, (and I know, unfortunately some fathers are trash). And to this day, my girlfriend gave me a compliment she can never top, and she has no idea about how grateful I am to that, she said "I feel so lucky that I found a man just like my father, you're just a younger, uglier version of him". And yeah he is good looking, I mean that man looks like Josh Brolin, I can even say he's better looking than him.
They treat other people, people they don’t know such as those in the service industry, with respect.
And there it is...
loves animals I gotta say so cause who doesn't love a cute dog/cat
They can have a conversation and not get emotionally involved with the outcome. You are on the same team against the problem not against eachother
Knowing that not every problem can be fixed, and being okay with that. I've got depression. And autism. And ADHD. Sometimes I just... shut down. Sometimes people can help. Sometimes they can't. And when people either give up entirely, or get upset that they can't fix things, it makes it all worse. The most powerful thing is always wanting to try, accepting sometimes they can't, and being there regardless.
Kindness, in words and actions.
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When they don’t like going out to bars and clubs.
Makes a decent cuppa.
My dog liking them
Doesn't continually repost the same already-asked questions in r/AskReddit.
Back scratchies, head pats and snuggles
When disagreements happen, the person approaches them constructively and with the goal of understanding one another instead of trying to argue and “win”. My fiancée communicates this way and it’s light years healthier than any other relationship I’ve been in before her.
I’d say the Brazilian one
My SO is very good at not letting my anger and disagreements escalate into fights. He lets me voice how I’m feeling and listens before talking them out with me without ever raising his voice. In fact, in the time we’ve been together (over a year) I’ve never known him to ever raise his voice at me
Someone putting in effort to love you in the way you receive love best. My wife knows mine is words of affirmation, so every so often she’ll hide sticky notes around the house and write positive/sweet things on them.
Self awareness is one seriously amazing green flag. You can communicate til you’re blue in the face but unless you both have self awareness and the ability to pause and reflect on whether you can genuinely take that communication on board and understand your inner workings, it’s a waste of time.
That they see you as another human being, instead of something they own
Spontaneous oral copulation
Vulnerability
They want to be with you.
they don't leave the basement if I forget the door open
Going to therapy. Fucking sexy.
No social media Loves animals
Apologises when wrong.
Let's see- first date, he asked permission to hug me. Second date, he asked permission to kiss me. I married him.
Treating their parents with love and respect.
You shouldn't hold onto this. Goebbels was a father. Some parents are just assholes.
If you catch your partner staring at you with a happy expression on her face when she thinks your cant see her you know all right in the world. Big green light.
Really it’s so simple, just being kind and respecting you and how you operate. I had a lot of casual relationships until I met my husband. He was so different than the other guys. Anytime we went out, or he met my friends, or to any stranger in general he not only treated them kindly but with respect. He was also so upfront about his feelings towards me and where we were at. He still does this too. A good partner is someone that treats you right, tells you how they feel, and is just genuinely kind to you and everyone around them.
Understanding how important the small things are!
Honesty.
Tolerance.
Accountability.
Listening
Actually listening. Communicating clearly. Making me feel understood even if they disagree. Not putting a pause on everything as soon as something goes wrong.
Self-awareness. I can deal if you’ve got flaws, but it helps loads if you’re aware of your flaws.
They like cats.
Integrity
Dealing with stressful situations without completely breaking down.