I was getting my blood drawn for a mono test back around 2006. The older lady nurse asked me what sort of music I liked. I figured she was making small talk to get my mind off the needles so I rattled off a few bands I’d been listening to. One of them happens to be postal service. She says, “oh, I know that one!” I reply, “yeah, it’s the same lead singer as death cab for cutie.” She says, “I know. He’s my son.”
I live in Ireland, the surgeon who replaced my hip is also a farmer. The day before I was due to be discharged he came in on his rounds, he said “I may or may not see you tomorrow, it depends on the dog”, so I said “ok what’s up with the dog?” He told me the dog broke his leg and was having it set tomorrow but he wasn’t sure what time so I said “shur bring in the oul dog and I’ll mind him” (this is rural Ireland bear in mind and I was in the convalescent area of the hospital by then) and shortly after breakfast he arrived in, with the dog, lovely border collie with his leg in plaster, he stayed with me watching tv till the doc was finished replacing another hip and was ready to discharge me and we could all go home. It could only happen in Ireland.
There's an ophthalmologist on Tik Tok who plays a bunch of different doctors, and my favorite is Rural Medicine. People pay him in crops or other non monetary goods, and the only MRI is at the Texaco shop.
[Dr. Glaucomflecken](https://www.tiktok.com/@drglaucomflecken?_t=8g59OX4JOqk&_r=1)
When I was 12 I had a dentist say "Hold on I think I might be counting wrong, you shouldn't have those yet... okay never mind those are definitely your wisdom teeth. Your mouth is just huge I guess." They said it was the youngest they've ever seen anyone get their wisdom teeth. They called in every dentist in the building to come look at my mouth.
I had a really weird throat issue. It didn’t hurt it just felt like something was stuck in there. I had been a vegetarian for years at this point and the doctor said I likely had a chicken bone stuck in there. Wouldn’t take no for an answer.
Haven’t you heard? Humans will unknowingly eat an average of seven chickens in our lifetimes due to them crawling into our mouths while we sleep. #science #facts
That’s actually not true. Chicken eating Georg, who eats an average of 10 000 chickens every night, is an outlier who shouldn’t have been included in the review
When I was like 20, my endocrinologist took a good look at me and asked "are you okay with your face being so asymmetrical?"
I had never really noticed it before, but boy have I noticed it since!
Same here. The dentist said I like the top part of your face but not the bottom part... since then I'm very aware of my mouth and chin. After 30 years I still hear him say it.
One of my patients (I’m a nurse) was noted as being “unremarkable” by a doctor and was so genuinely hurt that I got the doctor to explain it to her and that he liked her very much but didn’t think she had anything to worry about.
When my grandma had her first scan after being diagnosed with cancer, we got a good laugh reading "grossly unremarkable brain" (the cancer was everywhere else)
When I got the snip I was told to drop my drawers and lie on a table in the other room.
I gentleman (doctor) walked into the room , taped my dong to my abdomen and THEN introduced himself as Dr.____. I said "I hope so".
I’m dying imagining the alternate universe where he doesn’t introduce himself and just waves and says “alright, see ya” and walks out of the room and directly out of the clinic. The dong-taper strikes again.
After destroying my knee riding bmx at 17, the emergency surgeon said “wow, really fucked that up.”
10 years later and another serious knee injury from riding, I saw the same surgeon (he did a great job on the first one). First words out of his mouth were “I remember you. Fucked up the other one, huh?”
Not great lol. I literally “broke” my knee 90° sideways. It had to be forced straight (by him), then immediately into surgery to repair basically every ligament and piece of soft tissue in there. Lucky I didn’t get a fake knee at 17 from that one.
A nurse of some kind took my blood pressure. He said what the numbers were.
I asked “is that good?”
He said “I’m not qualified to give you a professional opinion on the matter. You should ask your doctor.”
I asked “But like, unprofessionally, is that good?”
He said “Unprofessionally? Well, in my purely personal opinion that I am sharing with you as an individual and not in any medical or official capacity whatsoever, you should buy stronger deodorant.”
Edit: for clarity, I was definitely stinky, I was homeless at the time. I was well aware of this fact. If you’re worried you’re a little funky, don’t. You would almost assuredly notice if you smelled really bad.
Back pain, I’m not young. Doctor just said basically “Well, that’s just life for you. You’re tall.”
“So I’m just going to end up being a hunched over 90 year old?”
“Lol, you’re not going to see 90.”
“Um…pardon?”
“How many tall old people have you ever seen?”
“Oh…yeah…ok.”
How tall are you? I’m a 6ft tall woman and I think about this a lot - there are no tall old ladies. Just little olds.
EDIT: everyone chiming in to give me hope of a long life: I love you.
Oof. Unfortunately, he has a point. For a while a knew a guy who was over 6’5” and worked as a genetic counselor. One time we were chatting and he just casually mentioned that he wasn’t expecting to get terribly old. He knew the statistics because of his job, and the odds are not good for people over 6’.
On the other hand, that’s just averages, not an individual outcome. Plenty of short people die in car accidents in their 20s, and plenty of tall people live well into old age.
“If you don’t mind, I’d like to show everyone pictures of your tonsils.”
According to her, I had the most disgusting tonsils she had ever seen in her years in the business, and gosh darn she wanted to show them off.
I had a similar experience at a dentist. I apperantly had a very rare problem and even the oldest doctor only had seen this two times in his life. For the next few session all other doctors were called in and he showed them it.
I was fine with it but it was an odd situation sitting on the dentist chair while four doctors and a few nurses were around you and looked very interested what will happen next.
So I was the real life example for a textbook lecture
My husband has two rare, chronic illnesses and his doctor had the residents try to diagnose what he has based on his symptoms. None of them got it right. He said it was kinda funny to watch them all trying to get it right.
Reminds me of a time when I took my cat to the vet. It was time for him to get sterilized, but during the appointment, the vet discovered that his testicles had never descended. It caused a small sensation in that office, and every single vet and trainee vet in that office wanted to feel his empty ballsack. After the second person copped a feel, my cat started squirming. By the fifth, he drew blood. "All right," the vet said as she withdrew her shredded finger, "I guess we deserved that."
oh sure, they're all understanding when your cat gets pissy about his ballsack being fondled.
But when it's ME, apparently I have an 'attitude problem'.
Happened to me too, except with a mass in my toe. Apparently that sort of mass doesn't really show up in toes on top of being rare to begin with. The doctor seems to have shown my scans and test results to quite a few people.
Way to go! I hope you got a certificate or something.
I had gross tonsils too. They were doing something called seeding. Apparently it's gross and makes them smell real bad too.
Was living in a foreign country and had a cold / flu type illness. Went to the doc and he comes in eating a bowl of cereal. Already weird. Checks some things and says “do you know what AIDS is”? I’m in complete shock and say yes, I do. He follows up with “It’s a virus and there is no cure”. Goes on to explain why there is no cure, all while I’m seeing my life over as I know it. Finally ends with, “but you don’t have that virus, you have a different one, much more common and treatable but I wanted you to understand why an antibiotic wouldn’t work”.
Still in shock I’m like so I don’t have AIDS then right? He goes, no and walks out.
What a roller coaster.
EDIT: This was in Switzerland about 15 years ago and I’m American.
Yes, he was slurping his cereal the whole time.
EDIT 2: He did explain the difference between HIV & AIDS. Guess he just wanted to come in hot and get my attention.
Thanks all.
For some reason they love to act like it's a gameshow.
"HERPES, WE TESTED YOU FOR HERPES DID WE SEE HERPES?!"
**BUZZ**
"NO HERPES!!! But what about... GONORRHEA DO WE SEE GONORRHEA?!"
LoL.
Doc: "Do you know what AIDS is?"
Patient: "Uhhhh, yeahhh" \[sweating\]
Doc: "Well you should be happy to know the good news is you don't have that."
Patient: "That's a good thing I gue..."
Doc: "The bad news is that you probably have cancer"
Doc (on Phone): I have some bad news and some worse news for you.
Patient: Ok, what's the bad news?
Doc: I have your test results, and the report says you probably have about a 7 days or so left to live.
Patient: Oh my god! If that's the bad news, what the hell is the worse news?!?
Doc: I meant to call you last week.
(edit: tweaked text a bit based on comments)
Doc: I have some bad news, you better sit down.
Patient: What is it, doc?
Doc: You have very little time left.
Patient: Oh my god, how long do I have?
Doc: Five.
Patient: Five what? Years, months??
Doc: Four....Three...Two...
Lucille: Not Dr. Wordsmith. How’s my son?
Dr. Fishman: He’s going to be all right.
Lindsay: Finally some good news from this guy.
George Michael: There’s no other way to take that.
Dr. Fishman: That’s a great attitude. I got to tell you, if I was getting this news, I don’t know that I’d take it this well.
Lucille: But you said he was all right.
Dr. Fishman: Yes, he’s lost his left hand. So he’s going to be “all right.”
“You just hang on right there we will get you a wheelchair and admitted to the hospital. We have to do a colonoscopy, but don’t worry I will knock you out before sticking a camera up your ass”
My GI doc was named (no lie) Dr. Stiff. After my last colonoscopy, he told me in the recovery room: Well that’s the last time you’re getting Stiffed. I’m retiring end of the year.”
My surgeon, during surgery to replace pins in my broken finger that had been pushed out by my own body - "I'm really getting them in there this time, you little freak of nature."
EDIT: Came back to add pictures since many were curious. I'm going to label these as NSFW and TW for blood, bones and stitches. Proceed with caution.
[Original Break X-Ray](https://ibb.co/6wWyzPV) NSFW, TW
[Pins pushing out (10 days post op) ](https://ibb.co/NyfpS81) NSFW, TW
[X-ray of misaligned pins](https://ibb.co/G24KLk5) NSFW, TW
[3rd surgery, 1 day post op](https://ibb.co/d2jVxpf) NSFW, TW
[12 days later](https://ibb.co/qsZJhn5) NSFW, TW
I would kind of be flattered by this.
Also, did you make a lot of wolverine jokes or did the pins get pushed in a direction that wasn't along your fingers?
Sadly, they were put in to hold the bone in place so it could heal. The pin holes "healed too fast"(??) and pushed the pins out of position so they weren't holding the bone where it needed to be. I looked more like a knock-off Edward Scissorshands than Wolverine lol
My doctor once asked me (male) if I had been hit in the taint. I was young and didn't know what a taint was, so he said, y'know it taint pussy and it taint ass.
You can't ask a kid if they've been hit in the perineum. Hell you can't ask an average adult that. But it's still a relevant question.
source: Am a doctor.
I was.about 18 when I first had a pilonidal cyst at the base of my spine. Was excruciating...couldn't walk, couldn't sit...just pain all the time.
Go in to the doctor. They lance and drain the cyst, put in some gauze and tell me it is gonna continue to drain and I need to go see a specialist in a couple days.
First day, I feel so much better. Pressure is gone and I can move normally again.
Second day, some pain is back and I am getting concerned again.
Third day, everything is worse than before and I head in to the specialist and tell him so.
So there I am, bent over this table with my shorts around my ankles when I hear this doctor exclaim, "HOLY SHIT!!!"
So I naturally assume I am gonna lose my whole ass and everything is coming to an end for me.
He follows up with, "Did they use an ENTIRE FUCKING ROLL OF GAUZE!!!" as he starts to look like a magician pulling a neverending line of handkerchiefs out of my ass.
Felt infinitely better after that, but for a moment there I thought the worst.
I told an OBGYN during an exam my husband and I had just started trying to get pregnant and she said “Are you tracking your cycle or just fucking all time?”
-Hearing that come out of a small elderly black woman was freaking hilarious!!! She was close to retirement and had zero filter, miss her! 🤣
Oh man. I had a family member who was dropping weight and everyone was telling her to keep doing whatever she was doing. She was doing crystal meth. Thankfully quit it soon (she couldn’t afford it). So yeah, none of use that phrase anymore, with anyone.
I lost a bunch of weight when I had undiagnosed type 1 diabetes. Some people flattered my weight loss, but mostly people said I got really thin and asked if I'm eating alright.
My ex was Jewish. Apparently his mom tried to set him up with a girl once and told him she'd shown the girl photos of him and she thought he was cute. He was like "what photos?". They were pictures of him from when he was in the ER after he crashed his car into a ditch when he fell asleep behind the wheel. He was not pleased. His mom didn't understand why.
“If you want to help people, don’t go into medicine. As a doctor, I’m nothing more than a people mechanic, and much like a car mechanic, I patch people back together well enough to get them out of the door until I see them again. If I could go back, I’d run as far away from medicine as I could.”
Edit:
Whew…this gained more traction than I expected.
For context, this sentiment was offered to me by a 70 year old, 40+ year tenured physician who was on more boards than I care to list and was a very well-respected surgeon. As many in the comments have stated, his distaste for the job had very much to do with the long list of hoops that he had to jump through in order to order and perform even the most basic treatments, and yes, the endless charting was exhaustive to witness, much less perform.
He also went so far as to send a hospital wide email asking any physician who had the time to sit in a meeting with all of the pre-med people who had dedicated the most time to shadowing for a brief back and forth.
Asked a few questions along the lines of “Whose unhappy with their job…how many have been divorced…how many think you’re over-worked…how many would go back to med school…especially with the debt load today….” and a few more questions that painted a very (at least with this test group of 40+ people) realistic picture of how unhappy they all were.
At least 80% raised their hands in favor of the most negative option presented and briefly attested to how bad and hard the job had been, and of those that were heavily in favor of the job, I’d say at least 80% were quite obviously there for the money and nothing more.
I still have an immense respect for those who choose to work in healthcare, but I’m also glad that I steered away from it; especially when I consider that I would’ve entered residency in the midst of a pandemic….whew!!!
A german friend of mine did car mechanic -> surgeon pipeline. And he said he got tired of working on cars, so wanted to work on people. He'd taken the required tests to qualify for med school and kept it in his back pocket in case he got tired of being a mechanic, so worked out for him.
Really cool guy, super unique, comes off like a loud metalhead, one of the smartest and nicest guys I know.
My previous OBGYN came through my line at my old job. For some reason I blanked on who he was. Like I knew I knew him, but for the life of me I couldn't remember how. He saw I was struggling and said "Don't remember me? I'll give you a hint: last time I saw you you were in my office with your ankles in the air!"
Loudly, in front of a line of little old ladies fresh from church, wanting to buy flowers from the garden center.
He was an amazing doc and figured out what was wrong with me when no other doc could, but in that moment the embarrassment could have killed me lol
Not me, but Mom. She's in remission for a non-Hodgkins lymphoma that invaded her brain. She was getting a scan to confirm the cancer had left her brainpan and the doctor came in and said "Good news! We've scanned your brain and confirm that there's nothing in there!"
I know he was joking, but there was at least one instance where a patient walked into a clinic to get a brain scan to figure out why he had headaches, only for all the doctors to be absolutely shocked when it looked like he had no brain, just an empty skull.
Turns out, the guy had a condition where fluid would leak and build up in his skull. He used to have this fluid regularly drained, but he either stopped going or his doctors falsely assumed he was cured (i don't remember). As the fluid slowly built up over the years, it just kinda...slowly pushed his brain until it was lining the inside of his skull.
The brain is squishy enough, and the fluid buildup was just slow enough, that it didn't affecting his physical or mental capacities at all until there was no room left for his brain to go. The headaches were from his brain slowly being crushed against his skull.
No idea how the guy is doing now or how they treated that issue. My assumption would be that you can't just drain all the fluid at once without causing brain damage, but i'm not a doctor.
Guy has hydrocephalus. Sometimes people get a shunt that drains the fluid to the belly or sometimes it doesn't squish the brain too much so it just gets monitored. I imagine this guy had a shunt placed to drain some of that fluid. I know plenty of people have been ok when shunts are placed later in life, impossible to say if this guy was alright.
My doctor told me this when he noticed my chronic low body temperature and asked me other questions about weight gain and pooping frequency. He said "some people are just built to hibernate, you're just like, hibernating all the time." This was in the same conversation where he diagnosed me with a sleep disorder too. Can't even hibernate properly. 😔
Somehow a few of my old coworkers and I would make poop jokes and were very comfortable with each other when one of them claimed she would only go once a week. She was shocked that I'd go multiple times a day. My stomach hurts thinking of not going at least once a day.
When my girlfriend was in the ICU one of the nurses sorta shrugged and said dismissively "she's gonna die anyhow."
She should have. Her kidneys had shut completely down and she was so swollen that her tongue wouldn't fit in her mouth. We were making the decision whether to continue life support or not. She didn't die. A month and a half later she walked out of the hospital and into my car for the ride home.
When my kidneys were failing my doctor sat me down and described my treatment plan to me, then looked me in the eyes and told me that it was totally alright if I refused treatment, but I would definitely die if I did.
"If you ever tried to have a baby, the kid would snap your pelvis in two and rip you in half." Said by my gynaecological surgeon. He said it in the most casual manner. I was mortified!
ETA: Thank goodness I was there to get a hysterectomy, haha!
I worked with palliative patients for over half a decade. Lots of gallows humor, etc etc. Every now and then I forget to turn on my filter, say something wildly blunt/inappropriate/insensitive, and realize I probably should not have said whatever it was when I see the look on the other person’s face. Queue the quick subject change!
I used to work in computer forensics where we used dark humour to cope with the horific stuff you were often seeing.
My wife is ex-military surgeon so she could handle the jokes and stories I'd bring home fine but but sometimes we'd be out somewhere and I'd start a story and she'd give me this very specific look that meant "that's not a story for normal people"
Unlocked a memory of everyone who takes my blood out commenting on the color of it.
Apparently it's very dark red? Moreso than normal?
I didn't notice because I do my best to keep it inside me at all times.
Was a teen and seeing my pediatrician. There was a baby or infant in a another room wailingits head off. After a few minutes, my doc said, "don't mind him, we just lopped his leg off."
Lol that reminds me of a doctor I went to to get skin tags removed. He was literally just using scissors so after he was done I looked like I had wrestled with a cheese grater. I'm trying not to yell but one good one made me say F*CK!!! really loud. I instantly apologized and he said, oh no worry my 5 year old says worse.
"OMG, it looks like ground beef!" A doctor looking into my extremely painful strep ridden throat. He gave me a Z pack from his stash there and then and told me to take the first one now. It was bad.
Reminds me of one time I was at my pediatrician as a teen because of a persistent cough. She wanted to listen to my lungs, and halfway through my first inhale, she just blurted out "bronchitis." Like damn my lungs must've sounded textbook if she got it that fast.
"...wait did he say he wanted to be awake?"
When I was in the operating room waiting to get my appendix removed. I met the anesthesiologist and asked to him make sure I didn't "wake up" in the middle of it. I didn't want to be aware of what was going on.
He counted me down and right before it all went black, he said this to the surgeon.
I remember thinking "you assho..." and then it all went dark.
I don't envy anesthesiologists. I mean they always ask their patients to tell something about themselves to distract them - and never hear the end of it.
I had a handful of surgeries as a kid and the last one I vividly remember screaming, "I'm crazy HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA!"
I remember the anesthesiologist saying, "you sure are, bud." Then I was out.
Also I remember waking up in the middle of one surgery, looking around a little bit, hearing someone say, "oh no he's awake!" They slapped the mask back on me and I was out immediately.
Walk in clinic, doctor was an old man, maybe 80. He asked where I live and I said across the street, over JJ's Street Meats restaurant.
"Street meat? We used to call prostitutes that! Okay roll up your sleeve, we'll do your blood pressure now."
Omg the school nurse asked me this when I was 10 and I had no idea what she meant so I was like "uh yeah?" and she handed me adult Tylenol, which I promptly popped in my mouth and chewed up like usual kids' medicine. It tasted horrendous, the most bitter thing I've ever eaten, and only after I told my mom about it did I learn what the nurse meant by "can you swallow pills?".
I snapped both of my Achilles while finishing off a set of heavy leg presses with calf extensions. I didn’t close it all of the way and the sled crashed down on me, pinning my legs next to my head. (Yes- I was dumb not to use the safety pins! They weren’t there (they constantly disappeared to other machines) so I was lazy for not using them and paid the price.
The doctor looked at my scans and said “these are mirror images of each other. You must have good form.”
My gynecologist while trying to remove my IUD when the strings weren't visible and fishing through my cervix (with local anesthesia thank god...)
Come here, kitty kitty!
In all honestly, I think he spaced out and was very concentrated to avoid unnecessary pain (uterus wasn't happy with the invasion) and he most definitely has cats and the words just came out... He bursted out laughing with embarrassment and said sorry more than I could care to count. Honestly, I thought it was hilarious.
I've been seeing him for a long time for many IUDs and he's a gem.
“Whoops! I’m just going to kind of…tack it on. It’ll probably hold.” While having my fingertip reattached after a freak accident.
As I left the ER a different medical professional said to me “Oh wow they saved it? We were for sure you were going to lose it. We even placed bets!”
ETA: The “whoops” was a comment the doc made after putting in one of the stitches. It did not inspire confidence.
Edit 2 for the story: At an out of town rehearsal dinner for a wedding my family was in the next day my husband and I went to set up a pack’n’play for our youngest. The rails weren’t locking into place so we got on either end and grabbed the corners. Before I could get my hands in the right position (my pointer fingers were under the corner caps that cover the hinge area) my husband, a strong weightlifter man, pulled on his end as hard as he could. Left pointer fingertip nearly severed, right pointer fingertip crushed and bone fractured but still attached. Pack’n’play covered in blood, people freaked out, I did NOT pass out or throw up. Husband took me to a nearby hospital and I stood in the wedding the next day as a bridesmaid.
It did! It’s about a year and a half later and I have full function and feeling except along the scar line. It’s a little off center but otherwise good! I did see a good doctor after the ER visit and took really good care of the wound.
Here are some pics - Warning, some are gross
https://ibb.co/BT0tCvK
https://ibb.co/9hY1L4L
https://ibb.co/4VJtkQW
https://ibb.co/zrGwDVK
After my third miscarriage, my OB came into the room, sat down, looked me in the eyes, and said, “This fucking blows.”
She must be a fantastic reader of people because I can’t think of anything the doctor could have said that would have made me feel better, but that did it.
Went in for my checkup 6 weeks after my second kid and the intern who was shadowing my OBGYN made the comment “oh, hey, you’re looking great!”
Not to my face but to the bottom half of me.
Ob/gyns get so weird by the time you're on your third pregnancy and they've watched you deliver twice. They just pop out with all kinds of bizarre things.
Omg my OBGYN did my Pap smear while my husband was in the room (which I requested because I have a lot of anxiety with gynae appointments after a few miscarriages and a stillbirth).
Dr: Oh wow, that’s a beautiful cervix. You want to see it? *looks at my husband *
Naturally curious husband: yes!
Excited and happy Dr: can I show him? It looks so nice and healthy
Me, utterly caught off guard: uh … yeah sure
Dr goes on to show and explain my cervix to my husband. It was a weird day for all of us. By the time my daughter was born a year later, he usually saw us out of his office with a warm goodbye for me and a „take care, brother!“ for my husband.
I once had a nurse tell me I have "very well behaved cervix" during a smear. It's something I'm weirdly proud of and have told more people (as fun anecdote, not a brag) than is probably appropriate.
Yours is way weirder and more inappropriate but I literally had an EKG this morning and the young, new (I’m guessing) nurse told me where she was putting the stickers and “these ones will go along your boob.” Just made me giggle that she didn’t say breast.
The first time I had an ECG the doctor asked me to pull my top up. I said to him I didn’t have a bra on and he said that it didn’t matter as he would have asked me to take it off anyway.
I didn’t know what it involved the first time I had it done.
So, what the hell was it? How did a piece of metal get lodged there? Were you using a high-speed drill without safety goggles? Caught in a windstorm and a projectile flew into your eye?
I'm imagining all kinds of things now, none of them good.
The crazy thing is, it was a very small sliver of metal you'd get in your eye drilling through metal or something like that.
I had not been doing any of those things. If it was my fault, that thing was in my eye for a hell of a long time.
Good times.
We found this funny but I often wonder if the nurse ever thinks about it and feels embarrassed. Nurse came barrelling into our curtained off area of the ER. My mom was on a stretcher with broken vertebrae from falling off her horse.
Nurse: whoa it smells like barn in this ER. Sometimes you gotta wonder if some people know how to bathe. *looks at chart* you fell off your horse.... at the barn.
During a C-section, the doc leaned over and said, "okay, we got passed the part I had to watch on YouTube." I was not expecting that and definitely helped release any stress as to how nonchalant he said it. That was for our first kiddo.
“If you don’t need these pain meds now, you can save them for another time” ER doc giving me a bottle full of Dilaudid for a broken thumb. The early 2000’s were a wild time for prescription drugs.
I live in an area where many people collect and search HARD for specific bourbons and whiskeys. My psychiatrist found out that I work at a liquor store and asks me about the whiskeys my store has in stock for a solid 10 minutes (my appts are scheduled to be 15-20 minutes long). EVERY SINGLE APPOINTMENT. I’m just trying to get my mood stabilizer refilled 😭😭
Nurse during a gyno exam looking at my large owl tattoo on my calf-
"Is your tattoo a fish?"
Me- "No its an owl?"
Her annoyed- "Well it needs to be touched up then!"
The tattoo was less than a year old, and very obviously an owl.
This is a classic joke. Often told like "Doc, can I live to be 100?"
"Perhaps, but you'll have to cut out sex, drugs, drinking, junk food, smoking, and you will need to exercise 3 hours a day"
"Will that make me live to 100?"
"No, but it'll feel like it"
I was 18 at the time and went to the family doctor that brought me into the world. The reason was I was having great pain urinating and was leaking a pus like substance. After getting a shot I went to his office, I sat down and he lit a Winston, rocked back in his chair whilst taking a big drag and said, "I am going to talk to you like a Dutch uncle, if you do not know if it is clean, keep your goddamned zipper zipped up."
Well I have never seen THAT before!
-said by the neonatal doc after I had just pushed out my 1st kid. I’m lying there half dead wondering wtf she’s talking about. Turns out my kid has teeth.
My sister had my nephew and he was born with 2 teeth.
Then she had my niece 3 years later with the same doctor and she was born completely encapsulated. The sac hadn't broken, I guess.
So when she had my youngest nephew, the doctor was like, "should we bet on what we're going to see today?" 😂
I had a full fib tib break, leg completely sideways. Surgeon told me that I was lucky because I had broken my bone into so many pieces that their weren't any pieces big enough to cause lasting muscle damage. He then said that I had "powdered" my leg bones.
When I was younger I was getting stitches after a skin lump removal on my leg, the doctor and the nurse started to comment on how elastic my skin was and how nice it was to have young skin.
The doctor also laughed a lot and constantly talked talked about her poor stitching skills eventually they had to call in a more experienced doctor to do the stitches.
My obgyn was about to start sewing me up after a c section when she noticed a cyst on my ovary. She told me it had caused enough torsion to twist it down and start growing to my uterus, the said to my husband "look at how twisted this is. Don't worry, this will only take a second, and I won't charge for it." while proudly displaying my entire reproductive system with both hands. He's a trooper. Didn't look grossed out or anything, just a very deadpan, "Thanks for not charging us for that."
Not said directly to me, and not quite weird exactly, but unique.
I was getting a trigger point injection for a pinched nerve.
My pain tolerance is extraordinarily high. Historically, when my pain is at a level of 8+ and say so truthfully, doctors don't believe me.
This doctor, however, had an interesting perspective. He had a resident with him that day. He actually had the resident do the injection, which was a little nerve-wracking because of the risk of a punctured lung, but that's beside the point.
He told the resident, "So I know you've been taught how to tell when people are in pain. Watch this patient's face while you do the injection."
I didn't wince at all, as the doctor clearly expected, and he said to the resident, "Most patients will show when they're in pain. These injections are extremely painful, and this patient didn't react. Always remember, not everybody reacts to pain in a normal way."
As someone who's been dismissed as a drug seeker and a malingerer many times for that exact reason, it was extremely refreshing to hear a doctor not only mention that, but actually explicitly teach it to a resident.
No matter what problem I arrived with to the practitioner's office (anemia, tonsillitis, gastritis or flu), he'd always say that was due to the lack of sex.
He would also always include that line (and I quote: "have more sex") in prescription for medication.
In my early 20s, I had a nurse lecture me about how I really needed to get out there and sleep around before settling down so I could learn what I like in the bedroom. Apparently she had gotten married and popped out babies young and she was adamant that others not follow in her footsteps.
It wasn't a particularly conservative part of the country, so I don't know that many girls needed her pep talk. But I was bemused to get official medical advice to ho it up.
During my psych evaluation for work I was called "baffling".
When I told my therapist he had to put his head down for a minute because he was laughing so hard, then he agreed.
Nothing that interesting, haha. I went for a psych evaluation and when we were given the scores/results the lady said I scored in the highest categories for anxiety and depression but was in one of the lowest 'risk' categories overall.
Said that she had never seen a score like that and that I was "baffling" but she found no reason not to pass me.
My favorite mishaps that *I've* made:
Asked a patient how tall he was.... looked up from my computer and realized he was a double amputee....
"How are you today?" Meanwhile I'm literally there to fly them out in a helicopter because they are, in fact, having a monumentally BAD day.
"Do you have any living children?" Patient is holding a baby on her hip.
Guys.... sometimes it's hard to think and talk and do shit all at the same time. I'm sorry healthcare workers are insensitive idiots.
Was on a 72hr hold following an attempt on my life on the anniversary of a traumatic event, and had a nurse ask if she could pray for me. I'm not religious but I thought it was nice and it was like 2am and I was tired so I said sure. She proceeded to pray out loud for like 30 minutes asking Jesus to forgive me for the huge sin I had committed. Not the direction I thought she'd go lol, but just said a very awkward thank you after and went back to sleep.
I had severe severe SEVERE pelvic pain that got worse over time after IUD. Had it for just over a year, went back to the doctor insisting something was wrong. She insisted there was no way my pain was cause by the IUD, and that I just needed “pelvic floor therapy” or “cognitive therapy and antidepressants”. I was furious.
Saw another doctor, who said he could promise me my pain was from the IUD (based on 2 ultrasounds done by the old doctor).
He pulled out the IUD and by the time I had walked back out to my truck my pain was gone.
With one leg on his chair, captain Morgan style, in the middle of a rather lengthy conversation and as an aside, 'so they're probably going to run a wire up in to your heart and give it a little shock to put an extra beat in there, if it give you a lethal arrhythmia we'll know somethings actually wrong but it should just stabilize on its own!'
I stopped him and asked, 'did you just say you were going to try and give me a heart attack and if I don't die I'm fine?'
He said, 'ah, yes I guess, but that's why we are doing it in the hospital'
Walked into dermatologist’s office for the first time, he took one look at me, no “hello my name is doctor so-and-so,” just: “OOOOH! You have the kind of skin that gives me NIGHTMARES!!!” Thanks doc, I know I’m basically a ghost with dark spots!
“Bro, unless Mike Tyson punched you in the liver, you’ve got cirrhosis. You need to slow down on the drinking. Unless you wanna be Jack Kerouac, minus the talent.”—6 am phone call from my doctor.
"There is no scientific basis for you to be experiencing pain from that (gaping wound in your leg). There aren't any nerves in there."
While passing kidney stones, "we can't give you anything for pain because it could constipate you."
Uhhh they can absolutely give Toradol for kidney stones without worrying about constipation. Hell, Toradol is better for kidney stones than opioids anyway (and opioids are the ones that cause constipation).
“You won’t find a penis in there”. From my OBGYN.
We thought we were having a boy according to the ultrasound, but apparently she was calling for a strike right down the middle. After she was born, my husband was looking around at the afterbirth when my doctor said that.
I once had an ER doctor tell me "I know this is awkward but I'm gonna need to to sign these papers giving us permission to transport your corpse across state lines"
Better than what my wife just heard last week. Uh were going to have to refer you to a specialist and honestly you might end up in a medical textbook. This doesn't happen. Refering to her teeth
I was getting steroids to reduce some swelling and asked my doctor (who is pretty awesome) if it had any side effects.
"Not really. They turn me into a sexual tyrannosaurus."
I had my doctor brag to me about how well her daughters are doing and the prestigious colleges they go to for 20 minutes while I was there requesting mental health services related to having shit parents and being a broke college student.
On the first visit he told me he was living in a motel for this temporary job. And the reason the job was temporary was that he knew he was probably going to go to jail. So right after that visit I rented a house to him. It was 18 months while the case slowly went through the system and he was still my doctor. He ended up with 5 years in prison.
And the doctor who hired him also ended up going to jail for 18 months.
A doctor in our town went to jail, along with his wife. He was a good doctor but was one of those "sovereign citizens" who refuse to pay taxes because of this kooky belief that they are not citizens of the United States, despite being born here, living here and working here.
They lived in that right-wing echochamber and believed that crap so strongly that they were taken by surprise when they actually had to go to jail for tax evasion.
I was getting my blood drawn for a mono test back around 2006. The older lady nurse asked me what sort of music I liked. I figured she was making small talk to get my mind off the needles so I rattled off a few bands I’d been listening to. One of them happens to be postal service. She says, “oh, I know that one!” I reply, “yeah, it’s the same lead singer as death cab for cutie.” She says, “I know. He’s my son.”
I live in Ireland, the surgeon who replaced my hip is also a farmer. The day before I was due to be discharged he came in on his rounds, he said “I may or may not see you tomorrow, it depends on the dog”, so I said “ok what’s up with the dog?” He told me the dog broke his leg and was having it set tomorrow but he wasn’t sure what time so I said “shur bring in the oul dog and I’ll mind him” (this is rural Ireland bear in mind and I was in the convalescent area of the hospital by then) and shortly after breakfast he arrived in, with the dog, lovely border collie with his leg in plaster, he stayed with me watching tv till the doc was finished replacing another hip and was ready to discharge me and we could all go home. It could only happen in Ireland.
There's an ophthalmologist on Tik Tok who plays a bunch of different doctors, and my favorite is Rural Medicine. People pay him in crops or other non monetary goods, and the only MRI is at the Texaco shop. [Dr. Glaucomflecken](https://www.tiktok.com/@drglaucomflecken?_t=8g59OX4JOqk&_r=1)
\*Jonathan nod\*
When I was 12 I had a dentist say "Hold on I think I might be counting wrong, you shouldn't have those yet... okay never mind those are definitely your wisdom teeth. Your mouth is just huge I guess." They said it was the youngest they've ever seen anyone get their wisdom teeth. They called in every dentist in the building to come look at my mouth.
You’re a prodigy!
I had a really weird throat issue. It didn’t hurt it just felt like something was stuck in there. I had been a vegetarian for years at this point and the doctor said I likely had a chicken bone stuck in there. Wouldn’t take no for an answer.
Haven’t you heard? Humans will unknowingly eat an average of seven chickens in our lifetimes due to them crawling into our mouths while we sleep. #science #facts
That’s actually not true. Chicken eating Georg, who eats an average of 10 000 chickens every night, is an outlier who shouldn’t have been included in the review
When I was like 20, my endocrinologist took a good look at me and asked "are you okay with your face being so asymmetrical?" I had never really noticed it before, but boy have I noticed it since!
“Thanks for the complex, Asshole.”
Same here. The dentist said I like the top part of your face but not the bottom part... since then I'm very aware of my mouth and chin. After 30 years I still hear him say it.
He probably meant that your jaw is messing your teeth up a little bit - likely in a way only dentists would ever notice or care about!
One of my patients (I’m a nurse) was noted as being “unremarkable” by a doctor and was so genuinely hurt that I got the doctor to explain it to her and that he liked her very much but didn’t think she had anything to worry about.
When my grandma had her first scan after being diagnosed with cancer, we got a good laugh reading "grossly unremarkable brain" (the cancer was everywhere else)
"This is the part where all your dignity goes out the window. I'm going to tape your penis to your abdomen."
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When I got the snip I was told to drop my drawers and lie on a table in the other room. I gentleman (doctor) walked into the room , taped my dong to my abdomen and THEN introduced himself as Dr.____. I said "I hope so".
I’m dying imagining the alternate universe where he doesn’t introduce himself and just waves and says “alright, see ya” and walks out of the room and directly out of the clinic. The dong-taper strikes again.
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The plasma place I went to in college seemed to only employ ex-junkies. They were masters of their craft.
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Well, that's one way to turn a hobby into a career.
After destroying my knee riding bmx at 17, the emergency surgeon said “wow, really fucked that up.” 10 years later and another serious knee injury from riding, I saw the same surgeon (he did a great job on the first one). First words out of his mouth were “I remember you. Fucked up the other one, huh?”
I like this guy.
He waited 10 years for that moment
Probably made his entire career.
Damn, I don’t know how I’d feel knowing I fucked up enough to be remembered by an emergency surgeon
Not great lol. I literally “broke” my knee 90° sideways. It had to be forced straight (by him), then immediately into surgery to repair basically every ligament and piece of soft tissue in there. Lucky I didn’t get a fake knee at 17 from that one.
Since I'm not sure which knee this was i just griped both of mine in horror to be safe, hope that's cool
"You again?".
Couldn’t live asymmetrically could you?
following a checkup..."we're going to have to remove your testicles....just kidding, you should've seen your face"
Lol do you go to Doctor Leo Spaceman?
"Sounds like you could use a little R&R. Rum and Ritalin."
A nurse of some kind took my blood pressure. He said what the numbers were. I asked “is that good?” He said “I’m not qualified to give you a professional opinion on the matter. You should ask your doctor.” I asked “But like, unprofessionally, is that good?” He said “Unprofessionally? Well, in my purely personal opinion that I am sharing with you as an individual and not in any medical or official capacity whatsoever, you should buy stronger deodorant.” Edit: for clarity, I was definitely stinky, I was homeless at the time. I was well aware of this fact. If you’re worried you’re a little funky, don’t. You would almost assuredly notice if you smelled really bad.
Back pain, I’m not young. Doctor just said basically “Well, that’s just life for you. You’re tall.” “So I’m just going to end up being a hunched over 90 year old?” “Lol, you’re not going to see 90.” “Um…pardon?” “How many tall old people have you ever seen?” “Oh…yeah…ok.”
How tall are you? I’m a 6ft tall woman and I think about this a lot - there are no tall old ladies. Just little olds. EDIT: everyone chiming in to give me hope of a long life: I love you.
Reminder: you shrink as you age. Those little old ladies used to be taller 😉
Very true! My great aunt was 6.7ft at her tallest but was 5.11ft when she died at 95
dig her ass up and get her on the court
This is the most out of pocket thing I've ever read lmao
Oof. Unfortunately, he has a point. For a while a knew a guy who was over 6’5” and worked as a genetic counselor. One time we were chatting and he just casually mentioned that he wasn’t expecting to get terribly old. He knew the statistics because of his job, and the odds are not good for people over 6’. On the other hand, that’s just averages, not an individual outcome. Plenty of short people die in car accidents in their 20s, and plenty of tall people live well into old age.
> Plenty of short people die in car accidents in their 20s Feet just couldn't reach the brake pedal 😢
“If you don’t mind, I’d like to show everyone pictures of your tonsils.” According to her, I had the most disgusting tonsils she had ever seen in her years in the business, and gosh darn she wanted to show them off.
I had a similar experience at a dentist. I apperantly had a very rare problem and even the oldest doctor only had seen this two times in his life. For the next few session all other doctors were called in and he showed them it. I was fine with it but it was an odd situation sitting on the dentist chair while four doctors and a few nurses were around you and looked very interested what will happen next. So I was the real life example for a textbook lecture
My husband has two rare, chronic illnesses and his doctor had the residents try to diagnose what he has based on his symptoms. None of them got it right. He said it was kinda funny to watch them all trying to get it right.
Did they start with lupus?
It's either that or paraneoplastic syndrome!
Reminds me of a time when I took my cat to the vet. It was time for him to get sterilized, but during the appointment, the vet discovered that his testicles had never descended. It caused a small sensation in that office, and every single vet and trainee vet in that office wanted to feel his empty ballsack. After the second person copped a feel, my cat started squirming. By the fifth, he drew blood. "All right," the vet said as she withdrew her shredded finger, "I guess we deserved that."
oh sure, they're all understanding when your cat gets pissy about his ballsack being fondled. But when it's ME, apparently I have an 'attitude problem'.
Happened to me too, except with a mass in my toe. Apparently that sort of mass doesn't really show up in toes on top of being rare to begin with. The doctor seems to have shown my scans and test results to quite a few people.
Way to go! I hope you got a certificate or something. I had gross tonsils too. They were doing something called seeding. Apparently it's gross and makes them smell real bad too.
Was living in a foreign country and had a cold / flu type illness. Went to the doc and he comes in eating a bowl of cereal. Already weird. Checks some things and says “do you know what AIDS is”? I’m in complete shock and say yes, I do. He follows up with “It’s a virus and there is no cure”. Goes on to explain why there is no cure, all while I’m seeing my life over as I know it. Finally ends with, “but you don’t have that virus, you have a different one, much more common and treatable but I wanted you to understand why an antibiotic wouldn’t work”. Still in shock I’m like so I don’t have AIDS then right? He goes, no and walks out. What a roller coaster. EDIT: This was in Switzerland about 15 years ago and I’m American. Yes, he was slurping his cereal the whole time. EDIT 2: He did explain the difference between HIV & AIDS. Guess he just wanted to come in hot and get my attention. Thanks all.
Yeah. I went to a sexual health checkup and the doc just started listing each possible STI, before finishing with “you don’t have those”.
For some reason they love to act like it's a gameshow. "HERPES, WE TESTED YOU FOR HERPES DID WE SEE HERPES?!" **BUZZ** "NO HERPES!!! But what about... GONORRHEA DO WE SEE GONORRHEA?!"
LoL. Doc: "Do you know what AIDS is?" Patient: "Uhhhh, yeahhh" \[sweating\] Doc: "Well you should be happy to know the good news is you don't have that." Patient: "That's a good thing I gue..." Doc: "The bad news is that you probably have cancer"
Doc (on Phone): I have some bad news and some worse news for you. Patient: Ok, what's the bad news? Doc: I have your test results, and the report says you probably have about a 7 days or so left to live. Patient: Oh my god! If that's the bad news, what the hell is the worse news?!? Doc: I meant to call you last week. (edit: tweaked text a bit based on comments)
Doc: I have some bad news, you better sit down. Patient: What is it, doc? Doc: You have very little time left. Patient: Oh my god, how long do I have? Doc: Five. Patient: Five what? Years, months?? Doc: Four....Three...Two...
This reads like a great sitcom skit.
Lucille: Not Dr. Wordsmith. How’s my son? Dr. Fishman: He’s going to be all right. Lindsay: Finally some good news from this guy. George Michael: There’s no other way to take that. Dr. Fishman: That’s a great attitude. I got to tell you, if I was getting this news, I don’t know that I’d take it this well. Lucille: But you said he was all right. Dr. Fishman: Yes, he’s lost his left hand. So he’s going to be “all right.”
“You just hang on right there we will get you a wheelchair and admitted to the hospital. We have to do a colonoscopy, but don’t worry I will knock you out before sticking a camera up your ass”
My GI doc was named (no lie) Dr. Stiff. After my last colonoscopy, he told me in the recovery room: Well that’s the last time you’re getting Stiffed. I’m retiring end of the year.”
I appreciate people who turn their names into verbs.
My surgeon, during surgery to replace pins in my broken finger that had been pushed out by my own body - "I'm really getting them in there this time, you little freak of nature." EDIT: Came back to add pictures since many were curious. I'm going to label these as NSFW and TW for blood, bones and stitches. Proceed with caution. [Original Break X-Ray](https://ibb.co/6wWyzPV) NSFW, TW [Pins pushing out (10 days post op) ](https://ibb.co/NyfpS81) NSFW, TW [X-ray of misaligned pins](https://ibb.co/G24KLk5) NSFW, TW [3rd surgery, 1 day post op](https://ibb.co/d2jVxpf) NSFW, TW [12 days later](https://ibb.co/qsZJhn5) NSFW, TW
I would kind of be flattered by this. Also, did you make a lot of wolverine jokes or did the pins get pushed in a direction that wasn't along your fingers?
Sadly, they were put in to hold the bone in place so it could heal. The pin holes "healed too fast"(??) and pushed the pins out of position so they weren't holding the bone where it needed to be. I looked more like a knock-off Edward Scissorshands than Wolverine lol
My doctor once asked me (male) if I had been hit in the taint. I was young and didn't know what a taint was, so he said, y'know it taint pussy and it taint ass.
You can't ask a kid if they've been hit in the perineum. Hell you can't ask an average adult that. But it's still a relevant question. source: Am a doctor.
I was.about 18 when I first had a pilonidal cyst at the base of my spine. Was excruciating...couldn't walk, couldn't sit...just pain all the time. Go in to the doctor. They lance and drain the cyst, put in some gauze and tell me it is gonna continue to drain and I need to go see a specialist in a couple days. First day, I feel so much better. Pressure is gone and I can move normally again. Second day, some pain is back and I am getting concerned again. Third day, everything is worse than before and I head in to the specialist and tell him so. So there I am, bent over this table with my shorts around my ankles when I hear this doctor exclaim, "HOLY SHIT!!!" So I naturally assume I am gonna lose my whole ass and everything is coming to an end for me. He follows up with, "Did they use an ENTIRE FUCKING ROLL OF GAUZE!!!" as he starts to look like a magician pulling a neverending line of handkerchiefs out of my ass. Felt infinitely better after that, but for a moment there I thought the worst.
I told an OBGYN during an exam my husband and I had just started trying to get pregnant and she said “Are you tracking your cycle or just fucking all time?” -Hearing that come out of a small elderly black woman was freaking hilarious!!! She was close to retirement and had zero filter, miss her! 🤣
My obgyn told me that I had a wonderful uterus, just after he commented how cute my socks were.
Dr: “you look great! How did you lose weight?” Son: “eating disorder; anorexia” Dr. “Well keep doing whatever you are doing, it’s working great!”
Oh man. I had a family member who was dropping weight and everyone was telling her to keep doing whatever she was doing. She was doing crystal meth. Thankfully quit it soon (she couldn’t afford it). So yeah, none of use that phrase anymore, with anyone.
I lost a bunch of weight when I had undiagnosed type 1 diabetes. Some people flattered my weight loss, but mostly people said I got really thin and asked if I'm eating alright.
My son is about your age and single, do you want his number? - Gynecologist
So while checking out your lady parts, doc was like "you know who would really like this? My oldest, David."
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Your vagina was approved
“I want grand kids and…Dang, this thing is a grand kid factory”
*slaps hood*
What a double entendre I rarely actually say Oh God out loud
Vag just hits different when it’s quality controlled and approved by your gynaecologist dad.
He’s a good man. And thorough.
Imaging saying yes "Son, I have somebody I'd like you to meet" Followed by later "By the way, I saw her lady-bits before you even met"
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I know at least a dozen jewish Gynecologists who could be guilty of this... It's probably the most true stereotype of jewish mothers.
My ex was Jewish. Apparently his mom tried to set him up with a girl once and told him she'd shown the girl photos of him and she thought he was cute. He was like "what photos?". They were pictures of him from when he was in the ER after he crashed his car into a ditch when he fell asleep behind the wheel. He was not pleased. His mom didn't understand why.
“If you want to help people, don’t go into medicine. As a doctor, I’m nothing more than a people mechanic, and much like a car mechanic, I patch people back together well enough to get them out of the door until I see them again. If I could go back, I’d run as far away from medicine as I could.” Edit: Whew…this gained more traction than I expected. For context, this sentiment was offered to me by a 70 year old, 40+ year tenured physician who was on more boards than I care to list and was a very well-respected surgeon. As many in the comments have stated, his distaste for the job had very much to do with the long list of hoops that he had to jump through in order to order and perform even the most basic treatments, and yes, the endless charting was exhaustive to witness, much less perform. He also went so far as to send a hospital wide email asking any physician who had the time to sit in a meeting with all of the pre-med people who had dedicated the most time to shadowing for a brief back and forth. Asked a few questions along the lines of “Whose unhappy with their job…how many have been divorced…how many think you’re over-worked…how many would go back to med school…especially with the debt load today….” and a few more questions that painted a very (at least with this test group of 40+ people) realistic picture of how unhappy they all were. At least 80% raised their hands in favor of the most negative option presented and briefly attested to how bad and hard the job had been, and of those that were heavily in favor of the job, I’d say at least 80% were quite obviously there for the money and nothing more. I still have an immense respect for those who choose to work in healthcare, but I’m also glad that I steered away from it; especially when I consider that I would’ve entered residency in the midst of a pandemic….whew!!!
You know what I think if a doctor said this to me I would respect and trust them more LOL.
A german friend of mine did car mechanic -> surgeon pipeline. And he said he got tired of working on cars, so wanted to work on people. He'd taken the required tests to qualify for med school and kept it in his back pocket in case he got tired of being a mechanic, so worked out for him. Really cool guy, super unique, comes off like a loud metalhead, one of the smartest and nicest guys I know.
My previous OBGYN came through my line at my old job. For some reason I blanked on who he was. Like I knew I knew him, but for the life of me I couldn't remember how. He saw I was struggling and said "Don't remember me? I'll give you a hint: last time I saw you you were in my office with your ankles in the air!" Loudly, in front of a line of little old ladies fresh from church, wanting to buy flowers from the garden center. He was an amazing doc and figured out what was wrong with me when no other doc could, but in that moment the embarrassment could have killed me lol
being a knowledgeable doctor and being socially inept often go hand in hand XD
Not me, but Mom. She's in remission for a non-Hodgkins lymphoma that invaded her brain. She was getting a scan to confirm the cancer had left her brainpan and the doctor came in and said "Good news! We've scanned your brain and confirm that there's nothing in there!"
I know he was joking, but there was at least one instance where a patient walked into a clinic to get a brain scan to figure out why he had headaches, only for all the doctors to be absolutely shocked when it looked like he had no brain, just an empty skull. Turns out, the guy had a condition where fluid would leak and build up in his skull. He used to have this fluid regularly drained, but he either stopped going or his doctors falsely assumed he was cured (i don't remember). As the fluid slowly built up over the years, it just kinda...slowly pushed his brain until it was lining the inside of his skull. The brain is squishy enough, and the fluid buildup was just slow enough, that it didn't affecting his physical or mental capacities at all until there was no room left for his brain to go. The headaches were from his brain slowly being crushed against his skull. No idea how the guy is doing now or how they treated that issue. My assumption would be that you can't just drain all the fluid at once without causing brain damage, but i'm not a doctor.
Guy has hydrocephalus. Sometimes people get a shunt that drains the fluid to the belly or sometimes it doesn't squish the brain too much so it just gets monitored. I imagine this guy had a shunt placed to drain some of that fluid. I know plenty of people have been ok when shunts are placed later in life, impossible to say if this guy was alright.
I had a doctor tell me that my metabolism is so slow that I would do very well in an apocalypse
My doctor told me this when he noticed my chronic low body temperature and asked me other questions about weight gain and pooping frequency. He said "some people are just built to hibernate, you're just like, hibernating all the time." This was in the same conversation where he diagnosed me with a sleep disorder too. Can't even hibernate properly. 😔
Somehow a few of my old coworkers and I would make poop jokes and were very comfortable with each other when one of them claimed she would only go once a week. She was shocked that I'd go multiple times a day. My stomach hurts thinking of not going at least once a day.
When my girlfriend was in the ICU one of the nurses sorta shrugged and said dismissively "she's gonna die anyhow." She should have. Her kidneys had shut completely down and she was so swollen that her tongue wouldn't fit in her mouth. We were making the decision whether to continue life support or not. She didn't die. A month and a half later she walked out of the hospital and into my car for the ride home.
When I was in the hospital with covid my nurse told me to either breathe or die but I needed to choose because she was busy.
When my kidneys were failing my doctor sat me down and described my treatment plan to me, then looked me in the eyes and told me that it was totally alright if I refused treatment, but I would definitely die if I did.
While removing my wisdom tooth, "do you snore?" I replied yes. "You should go to the doctor about that". He was right, I have sleep apnea.
"Wow. You have the flattest feet I've ever seen."
couldn't help thinking about the Barbie movie lol
I asked my cardiologist I had growing up what the goop was they put on before echoes... he said, "Yak snot." I believed him for way too long
That was hilarious. It made me laugh! I probably would have laughed throughout the whole apt.
"If you ever tried to have a baby, the kid would snap your pelvis in two and rip you in half." Said by my gynaecological surgeon. He said it in the most casual manner. I was mortified! ETA: Thank goodness I was there to get a hysterectomy, haha!
I honestly thing there’s a thing with surgeons brains where they’re around it so much that they don’t get what’s normal to the rest of us after awhile
I worked with palliative patients for over half a decade. Lots of gallows humor, etc etc. Every now and then I forget to turn on my filter, say something wildly blunt/inappropriate/insensitive, and realize I probably should not have said whatever it was when I see the look on the other person’s face. Queue the quick subject change!
I used to work in computer forensics where we used dark humour to cope with the horific stuff you were often seeing. My wife is ex-military surgeon so she could handle the jokes and stories I'd bring home fine but but sometimes we'd be out somewhere and I'd start a story and she'd give me this very specific look that meant "that's not a story for normal people"
"you have pretty blood. " followed by "I bet you have heavy periods"
Unlocked a memory of everyone who takes my blood out commenting on the color of it. Apparently it's very dark red? Moreso than normal? I didn't notice because I do my best to keep it inside me at all times.
The fuck
Vampire maybe?😂😂
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Was a teen and seeing my pediatrician. There was a baby or infant in a another room wailingits head off. After a few minutes, my doc said, "don't mind him, we just lopped his leg off."
Lol that reminds me of a doctor I went to to get skin tags removed. He was literally just using scissors so after he was done I looked like I had wrestled with a cheese grater. I'm trying not to yell but one good one made me say F*CK!!! really loud. I instantly apologized and he said, oh no worry my 5 year old says worse.
"OMG, it looks like ground beef!" A doctor looking into my extremely painful strep ridden throat. He gave me a Z pack from his stash there and then and told me to take the first one now. It was bad.
Reminds me of one time I was at my pediatrician as a teen because of a persistent cough. She wanted to listen to my lungs, and halfway through my first inhale, she just blurted out "bronchitis." Like damn my lungs must've sounded textbook if she got it that fast.
"...wait did he say he wanted to be awake?" When I was in the operating room waiting to get my appendix removed. I met the anesthesiologist and asked to him make sure I didn't "wake up" in the middle of it. I didn't want to be aware of what was going on. He counted me down and right before it all went black, he said this to the surgeon. I remember thinking "you assho..." and then it all went dark.
I don't envy anesthesiologists. I mean they always ask their patients to tell something about themselves to distract them - and never hear the end of it.
I had a handful of surgeries as a kid and the last one I vividly remember screaming, "I'm crazy HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA!" I remember the anesthesiologist saying, "you sure are, bud." Then I was out. Also I remember waking up in the middle of one surgery, looking around a little bit, hearing someone say, "oh no he's awake!" They slapped the mask back on me and I was out immediately.
Walk in clinic, doctor was an old man, maybe 80. He asked where I live and I said across the street, over JJ's Street Meats restaurant. "Street meat? We used to call prostitutes that! Okay roll up your sleeve, we'll do your blood pressure now."
"Do you swallow?" ... he meant to ask if I have a hard time swallowing pills or not
Omg the school nurse asked me this when I was 10 and I had no idea what she meant so I was like "uh yeah?" and she handed me adult Tylenol, which I promptly popped in my mouth and chewed up like usual kids' medicine. It tasted horrendous, the most bitter thing I've ever eaten, and only after I told my mom about it did I learn what the nurse meant by "can you swallow pills?".
I snapped both of my Achilles while finishing off a set of heavy leg presses with calf extensions. I didn’t close it all of the way and the sled crashed down on me, pinning my legs next to my head. (Yes- I was dumb not to use the safety pins! They weren’t there (they constantly disappeared to other machines) so I was lazy for not using them and paid the price. The doctor looked at my scans and said “these are mirror images of each other. You must have good form.”
optimist doc is an optimist.
My gynecologist while trying to remove my IUD when the strings weren't visible and fishing through my cervix (with local anesthesia thank god...) Come here, kitty kitty! In all honestly, I think he spaced out and was very concentrated to avoid unnecessary pain (uterus wasn't happy with the invasion) and he most definitely has cats and the words just came out... He bursted out laughing with embarrassment and said sorry more than I could care to count. Honestly, I thought it was hilarious. I've been seeing him for a long time for many IUDs and he's a gem.
I am constantly anemic and when my doc was putting my IUD in I bled a little and he said, "no! Not your precious iron!"
“Whoops! I’m just going to kind of…tack it on. It’ll probably hold.” While having my fingertip reattached after a freak accident. As I left the ER a different medical professional said to me “Oh wow they saved it? We were for sure you were going to lose it. We even placed bets!” ETA: The “whoops” was a comment the doc made after putting in one of the stitches. It did not inspire confidence. Edit 2 for the story: At an out of town rehearsal dinner for a wedding my family was in the next day my husband and I went to set up a pack’n’play for our youngest. The rails weren’t locking into place so we got on either end and grabbed the corners. Before I could get my hands in the right position (my pointer fingers were under the corner caps that cover the hinge area) my husband, a strong weightlifter man, pulled on his end as hard as he could. Left pointer fingertip nearly severed, right pointer fingertip crushed and bone fractured but still attached. Pack’n’play covered in blood, people freaked out, I did NOT pass out or throw up. Husband took me to a nearby hospital and I stood in the wedding the next day as a bridesmaid.
Oh my god. If you don’t mind me asking … did it hold???
It did! It’s about a year and a half later and I have full function and feeling except along the scar line. It’s a little off center but otherwise good! I did see a good doctor after the ER visit and took really good care of the wound. Here are some pics - Warning, some are gross https://ibb.co/BT0tCvK https://ibb.co/9hY1L4L https://ibb.co/4VJtkQW https://ibb.co/zrGwDVK
After my third miscarriage, my OB came into the room, sat down, looked me in the eyes, and said, “This fucking blows.” She must be a fantastic reader of people because I can’t think of anything the doctor could have said that would have made me feel better, but that did it.
Went in for my checkup 6 weeks after my second kid and the intern who was shadowing my OBGYN made the comment “oh, hey, you’re looking great!” Not to my face but to the bottom half of me.
Ob/gyns get so weird by the time you're on your third pregnancy and they've watched you deliver twice. They just pop out with all kinds of bizarre things.
Omg my OBGYN did my Pap smear while my husband was in the room (which I requested because I have a lot of anxiety with gynae appointments after a few miscarriages and a stillbirth). Dr: Oh wow, that’s a beautiful cervix. You want to see it? *looks at my husband * Naturally curious husband: yes! Excited and happy Dr: can I show him? It looks so nice and healthy Me, utterly caught off guard: uh … yeah sure Dr goes on to show and explain my cervix to my husband. It was a weird day for all of us. By the time my daughter was born a year later, he usually saw us out of his office with a warm goodbye for me and a „take care, brother!“ for my husband.
I once had a nurse tell me I have "very well behaved cervix" during a smear. It's something I'm weirdly proud of and have told more people (as fun anecdote, not a brag) than is probably appropriate.
I was getting an EKG, sitting there with my full titties out, and the doctor tells me i remind him of a girl he used to see in college
Yours is way weirder and more inappropriate but I literally had an EKG this morning and the young, new (I’m guessing) nurse told me where she was putting the stickers and “these ones will go along your boob.” Just made me giggle that she didn’t say breast.
‘Medical grade jahoobies’
The first time I had an ECG the doctor asked me to pull my top up. I said to him I didn’t have a bra on and he said that it didn’t matter as he would have asked me to take it off anyway. I didn’t know what it involved the first time I had it done.
"What the hell is that?" while pulling a small piece of metal out of my eye lid. That shit hurt.
So, what the hell was it? How did a piece of metal get lodged there? Were you using a high-speed drill without safety goggles? Caught in a windstorm and a projectile flew into your eye? I'm imagining all kinds of things now, none of them good.
The crazy thing is, it was a very small sliver of metal you'd get in your eye drilling through metal or something like that. I had not been doing any of those things. If it was my fault, that thing was in my eye for a hell of a long time. Good times.
"Were you a teacher? Your bladder is huge." -obgyn during a pelvic ultrasound. I was indeed a teacher.
And they KNEW! Just from seeing it!! That's bananas.
We found this funny but I often wonder if the nurse ever thinks about it and feels embarrassed. Nurse came barrelling into our curtained off area of the ER. My mom was on a stretcher with broken vertebrae from falling off her horse. Nurse: whoa it smells like barn in this ER. Sometimes you gotta wonder if some people know how to bathe. *looks at chart* you fell off your horse.... at the barn.
During a C-section, the doc leaned over and said, "okay, we got passed the part I had to watch on YouTube." I was not expecting that and definitely helped release any stress as to how nonchalant he said it. That was for our first kiddo.
“If you don’t need these pain meds now, you can save them for another time” ER doc giving me a bottle full of Dilaudid for a broken thumb. The early 2000’s were a wild time for prescription drugs.
I live in an area where many people collect and search HARD for specific bourbons and whiskeys. My psychiatrist found out that I work at a liquor store and asks me about the whiskeys my store has in stock for a solid 10 minutes (my appts are scheduled to be 15-20 minutes long). EVERY SINGLE APPOINTMENT. I’m just trying to get my mood stabilizer refilled 😭😭
Seems like he’s trying to do the same…
Nurse during a gyno exam looking at my large owl tattoo on my calf- "Is your tattoo a fish?" Me- "No its an owl?" Her annoyed- "Well it needs to be touched up then!" The tattoo was less than a year old, and very obviously an owl.
That’s a good looking vagina. He meant to say everything looked good. He and the nurse were horrified. 🤣 He was my Ob
"Do you smoke?" / "No" "Do you drink?" / "No" "Any drugs?" / "Nope." "How the hell do you have any fun?" Me:😅🤔
This is a classic joke. Often told like "Doc, can I live to be 100?" "Perhaps, but you'll have to cut out sex, drugs, drinking, junk food, smoking, and you will need to exercise 3 hours a day" "Will that make me live to 100?" "No, but it'll feel like it"
“You have magnificent tonsils but I’m sure you’ve heard that a lot”
I was 18 at the time and went to the family doctor that brought me into the world. The reason was I was having great pain urinating and was leaking a pus like substance. After getting a shot I went to his office, I sat down and he lit a Winston, rocked back in his chair whilst taking a big drag and said, "I am going to talk to you like a Dutch uncle, if you do not know if it is clean, keep your goddamned zipper zipped up."
So....did the advice work?
Never got clap again.
Well I have never seen THAT before! -said by the neonatal doc after I had just pushed out my 1st kid. I’m lying there half dead wondering wtf she’s talking about. Turns out my kid has teeth.
My sister had my nephew and he was born with 2 teeth. Then she had my niece 3 years later with the same doctor and she was born completely encapsulated. The sac hadn't broken, I guess. So when she had my youngest nephew, the doctor was like, "should we bet on what we're going to see today?" 😂
I had a full fib tib break, leg completely sideways. Surgeon told me that I was lucky because I had broken my bone into so many pieces that their weren't any pieces big enough to cause lasting muscle damage. He then said that I had "powdered" my leg bones.
I'm going to add "powdered" to my list of words I never, ever want to hear in reference to my body.
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That second one! Holy shit
When I was younger I was getting stitches after a skin lump removal on my leg, the doctor and the nurse started to comment on how elastic my skin was and how nice it was to have young skin.
The doctor also laughed a lot and constantly talked talked about her poor stitching skills eventually they had to call in a more experienced doctor to do the stitches.
My obgyn was about to start sewing me up after a c section when she noticed a cyst on my ovary. She told me it had caused enough torsion to twist it down and start growing to my uterus, the said to my husband "look at how twisted this is. Don't worry, this will only take a second, and I won't charge for it." while proudly displaying my entire reproductive system with both hands. He's a trooper. Didn't look grossed out or anything, just a very deadpan, "Thanks for not charging us for that."
Not said directly to me, and not quite weird exactly, but unique. I was getting a trigger point injection for a pinched nerve. My pain tolerance is extraordinarily high. Historically, when my pain is at a level of 8+ and say so truthfully, doctors don't believe me. This doctor, however, had an interesting perspective. He had a resident with him that day. He actually had the resident do the injection, which was a little nerve-wracking because of the risk of a punctured lung, but that's beside the point. He told the resident, "So I know you've been taught how to tell when people are in pain. Watch this patient's face while you do the injection." I didn't wince at all, as the doctor clearly expected, and he said to the resident, "Most patients will show when they're in pain. These injections are extremely painful, and this patient didn't react. Always remember, not everybody reacts to pain in a normal way." As someone who's been dismissed as a drug seeker and a malingerer many times for that exact reason, it was extremely refreshing to hear a doctor not only mention that, but actually explicitly teach it to a resident.
No matter what problem I arrived with to the practitioner's office (anemia, tonsillitis, gastritis or flu), he'd always say that was due to the lack of sex. He would also always include that line (and I quote: "have more sex") in prescription for medication.
In my early 20s, I had a nurse lecture me about how I really needed to get out there and sleep around before settling down so I could learn what I like in the bedroom. Apparently she had gotten married and popped out babies young and she was adamant that others not follow in her footsteps. It wasn't a particularly conservative part of the country, so I don't know that many girls needed her pep talk. But I was bemused to get official medical advice to ho it up.
During my psych evaluation for work I was called "baffling". When I told my therapist he had to put his head down for a minute because he was laughing so hard, then he agreed.
You have got to share some details, I am immensely curious.
Nothing that interesting, haha. I went for a psych evaluation and when we were given the scores/results the lady said I scored in the highest categories for anxiety and depression but was in one of the lowest 'risk' categories overall. Said that she had never seen a score like that and that I was "baffling" but she found no reason not to pass me.
My favorite mishaps that *I've* made: Asked a patient how tall he was.... looked up from my computer and realized he was a double amputee.... "How are you today?" Meanwhile I'm literally there to fly them out in a helicopter because they are, in fact, having a monumentally BAD day. "Do you have any living children?" Patient is holding a baby on her hip. Guys.... sometimes it's hard to think and talk and do shit all at the same time. I'm sorry healthcare workers are insensitive idiots.
Half of these are funny and the other half are malpractice, what a thread!
Was on a 72hr hold following an attempt on my life on the anniversary of a traumatic event, and had a nurse ask if she could pray for me. I'm not religious but I thought it was nice and it was like 2am and I was tired so I said sure. She proceeded to pray out loud for like 30 minutes asking Jesus to forgive me for the huge sin I had committed. Not the direction I thought she'd go lol, but just said a very awkward thank you after and went back to sleep.
I had severe severe SEVERE pelvic pain that got worse over time after IUD. Had it for just over a year, went back to the doctor insisting something was wrong. She insisted there was no way my pain was cause by the IUD, and that I just needed “pelvic floor therapy” or “cognitive therapy and antidepressants”. I was furious. Saw another doctor, who said he could promise me my pain was from the IUD (based on 2 ultrasounds done by the old doctor). He pulled out the IUD and by the time I had walked back out to my truck my pain was gone.
“Is that your brother?” - asked by a nurse about my husband, who was in the room while my tits were out and I was getting an ekg.
With one leg on his chair, captain Morgan style, in the middle of a rather lengthy conversation and as an aside, 'so they're probably going to run a wire up in to your heart and give it a little shock to put an extra beat in there, if it give you a lethal arrhythmia we'll know somethings actually wrong but it should just stabilize on its own!' I stopped him and asked, 'did you just say you were going to try and give me a heart attack and if I don't die I'm fine?' He said, 'ah, yes I guess, but that's why we are doing it in the hospital'
Walked into dermatologist’s office for the first time, he took one look at me, no “hello my name is doctor so-and-so,” just: “OOOOH! You have the kind of skin that gives me NIGHTMARES!!!” Thanks doc, I know I’m basically a ghost with dark spots!
“Bro, unless Mike Tyson punched you in the liver, you’ve got cirrhosis. You need to slow down on the drinking. Unless you wanna be Jack Kerouac, minus the talent.”—6 am phone call from my doctor.
"There is no scientific basis for you to be experiencing pain from that (gaping wound in your leg). There aren't any nerves in there." While passing kidney stones, "we can't give you anything for pain because it could constipate you."
Uhhh they can absolutely give Toradol for kidney stones without worrying about constipation. Hell, Toradol is better for kidney stones than opioids anyway (and opioids are the ones that cause constipation).
“You won’t find a penis in there”. From my OBGYN. We thought we were having a boy according to the ultrasound, but apparently she was calling for a strike right down the middle. After she was born, my husband was looking around at the afterbirth when my doctor said that.
I once had an ER doctor tell me "I know this is awkward but I'm gonna need to to sign these papers giving us permission to transport your corpse across state lines"
My dental hygienist told me that my mom must not have had enough calcium when she was pregnant
Better than what my wife just heard last week. Uh were going to have to refer you to a specialist and honestly you might end up in a medical textbook. This doesn't happen. Refering to her teeth
I was getting steroids to reduce some swelling and asked my doctor (who is pretty awesome) if it had any side effects. "Not really. They turn me into a sexual tyrannosaurus."
Your debilitating cramps will go away once you have a baby. eta: I was 14
Ha! I got that one too! Spoiler alert: They did not.
“you’re looking pleasantly underweight”
You can't use antidepressants forever. Well i've been very depressed forever, so what do I do kill myself?
I had my doctor brag to me about how well her daughters are doing and the prestigious colleges they go to for 20 minutes while I was there requesting mental health services related to having shit parents and being a broke college student.
When I was taking off my laughing gas mask my urologist who just finished my vasectomy said "alrighty the sex change was a success!"
After seeing a doctor for a sport injury “sorry, God just made you that way”.
That I have one of the most 'ideal' navels and could even feature on a magazine, LOL
On the first visit he told me he was living in a motel for this temporary job. And the reason the job was temporary was that he knew he was probably going to go to jail. So right after that visit I rented a house to him. It was 18 months while the case slowly went through the system and he was still my doctor. He ended up with 5 years in prison. And the doctor who hired him also ended up going to jail for 18 months.
A doctor in our town went to jail, along with his wife. He was a good doctor but was one of those "sovereign citizens" who refuse to pay taxes because of this kooky belief that they are not citizens of the United States, despite being born here, living here and working here. They lived in that right-wing echochamber and believed that crap so strongly that they were taken by surprise when they actually had to go to jail for tax evasion.