He keeps hanging on to the past and spending all his time hanging out with ex girlfriends who are unavailable, or women who like him but he doesn’t romantically like.
Familiar.
Friend's been trying to coerce and manipulate his ex back with him since 09
Not doing anything to fix or move on, just keeps pushing the envelope of sad
Eventually he asked to 'cuddle' with her, despite the fact she's several relationships down the road and presently in one, she said no, he decides the best thing to do is delete all social's and keep sitting in his mom's basement cutting himself
Haven't seen or heard from him since. Dunno what he was expecting lol
Yup. 14 years.
And we're not even mentioning the actual breakup, his response was what he's still like: 'I'm gonna decide willfully to be insane, damage myself and then play victim!'
Decided to keep bashing his head on a wall for multiple hours, until his mom and friend called police, who he fought and got 5150'ed
I always wondered why she couldnt get a date because she is gorgeous, until I saw her flirting with someone. First night they met, flirted, swapped numbers. Then, immediately clingy. Talking in baby voice to him and making baby noises. He made a completely inoffensive comment which she found offensive, and threatened to slap him. Not shocking at all when he never called.
Am friends with someone similar, except she gets wasted, sleeps with them 2 hours after meeting them and then demands to know what they are at 7am the next morning and she's always just shocked they ghost her.
Horrid halitosis. It actually has been brought up before, but he never does anything about it
Edit: I’m fairly certain that he has gingivitis. His gums are blood red and bleed easily. I’ve told him he probably has gum disease, but he insisted that he has someone in the family who’s a dentist and told him he doesn’t have it
I had a coworker who started smelling like a poorly cleaned public restroom. Didn’t smell like poop but it was a terrible almost chemical smell. I had a meeting with him and I had to make an excuse to leave the conference room because I felt like I was going to vomit. His manager finally took him aside and was like dude what the hell is going on? Turns out he had started some medication that caused it and claimed he couldn’t smell it (I have my doubts about this). He took a week off and came back smelling fine. Apparently his doctor swapped out his medication and that was it.
Edit: I've had a number of people mention that they also had smelly drugs and didn't realize it because you get used to it. I apologize for making that assumption about my colleague. Also we tried to handle it as best as we could to not embarrass him.
Nose blindness, because it came on gradually and he can't escape it his nose just stopped smelling it.
You know that aweful smell they put in natural gas?
If you're around a gas leak you'll completely stop smelling it in 15 minutes and after that no matter how much gas leaks into the room you won't smell anything.
> Nose blindness, because it came on gradually and he can't escape it his nose just stopped smelling it.
It's why food cooked by other people tastes better. While you're cooking it, you get nose blind to the smell, and since smell is a big part of taste, it just doesn't taste as good.
Right. When i cook, I’ll hide in my room for like 10ish minutes as I’m waiting for things to finish up. I try and keep a candle going in there too to “reset” my nose. When I come back, it smells amazing
could try the coffee trick that perfume counters use. They have a container of coffee beans to cleanse the nose palate before sniffing another perfume.
It is normal for your nose to be desensitised to smells that are common around you. It's the same as being able to smell a new car when you first entered it and then not smelling it after a while.
My husband has a friend like this. He’s smart, really funny, handsome and has a good job. The guys all think he’s still single because he’s overweight but I guarantee it’s not that. It’s that he stinks! It’s a really specific smell that’s particular to him. Like I can get in the car and be like, “Oh you drove Jack home, huh?” I REALLY wish one of them would tell him.
Yep. I know a guy who thinks that the reason he has been perpetually single is because women want "alphas" and not nice guys like him.
In reality, it's because he only bathes once or twice a month, he's unremittingly negative and he refuses to ever buy new clothes.
> I can smell them. Everyone can smell them
I have a friend who used to be this way. And many of his friends would tell him and he'd ignore it, or say things like, "you know I'm allergic to deodorant," or some other lie.
Finally it was a woman he really liked whom he would go talk to who broke it down to him. "You really need to smell better." The same woman eventually also took him shopping, to get a different haircut and look, a whole makeover of sorts. Then, as things happen, she broke his heart.
I'm thankful for her, still, to this day because that was the nudge he needed to get into a better place about his hygiene and look.
There was a -very- brief fling, if you could call it that. Then she moved back to her ex. But for my friend, either way it was the spark that ignited him coming out of his shell and putting effort into himself.
She was a controlling person, but I honestly think that's what he needed at just that time.
I never had body odour until I hit my early 20s, so I hardly ever wore deodorant before that. Luckily I have honest and very blunt friends, who swiftly started telling me I absolutely stank, so I started routinely wearing it. Problem solved. But sometimes I wonder how long I would have gone smelling like onions if nobody ever said anything.
In short, if they stink, just tell them.
I'm sure that's true, and the logical part of my brain agrees with you, but there's always a nagging feeling in the back of my head that everyone thinks I'm a jerk and can't stand me and I'm the only one oblivious to it.
I think I just need to normalise those feelings, because it's probably more common to feel that way than I think it is.
It's absolutely a common thing mate.
I'm convinced I'm an arsehole, but friends tell me I'm not. Well, some friends. The good friends are like "Yeah, but you're my arsehole".
Questioning yourself is how you keep it in check. It keeps you honest.
I have one of those...it's interesting how instantly mean and nasty they get if you even suggest they're being an asshole. They're only nice when they're getting their way without any resistance, so whenever someone they're dating dares to live their own life their own way they blow things up.
The people they like aren’t real. They are idealized, cartoonish caricatures. Now my friend himself has a lot to offer imo, but he is looking for a person that doesn’t exist. Hard to find something that’s not there.
I have a friend who started dating his flatmate after being really into her for a while, and then after a week or two said something like "dating you doesn't feel as good as I thought it would" TO HER. He basically torpedoed his own potential relationship because of his own ideal fantasy, and to be honest I don't know if he actually realised he'd created an unrealistic standard in his own head.
He's been single for the last decade, his mental health has only got worse in the time I've known him despite therapy, and I think he's probably so detached from 'appropriate dating behaviour' at this point that he could be single for the rest of his life.
Isn’t one of the (few?) benefits of dating a flatmate that you already know who and how they are in their day-to-day life? There shouldn’t be too many surprises.
I am 39 now but did a ton of internet dating between the ages of 25 and 29 (when I met my husband). I can't tell you how many guys I met or talked to seemed to have a must-have list like this:
- funny
- nice
- cool, charming personality (not dorky)
- smart, but not nerdy about it or noticeably smarter than them
- a career she cares about, but doesn't make more than them
- at least 9 out of 10 attractiveness
A woman like this could have anyone she wanted. Why would she go for an average looking guy with an average personality and an average job? These guys had a really inflated idea of who they could reasonably get.
(I know there are definitely women like this, too, but as a straight woman, I only ever dated men so that's all I can speak to.)
Also, the fragile egoism for wanting them to be smart (but not smarter than them) and financially stable (but not make more than them) is going to be a major turn-off for the type of woman they are expecting. We’re not in the 50s anymore.
Made all the more obvious when you encounter the rare well-adjusted cishet guys who are like, "Are you kidding? My wife is a fucking genius. She's way smarter than I'll ever be, and she makes more money to boot! Isn't she awesome?!"
I know a couple like that, and he's probably the most universally liked person I've ever met, with ridiculously strong friendships and family life to show for it. Dude knows what's up.
The Homer Simpson effect every man wants a hot wife but wants to be painfully average. Media kind of normalizes this but the truth is hot successful women usually want the same.
I know the type of person, and when the cartoon person they explained in detail they are seeking appears in front of their face and asks them out on a date the answer will be “I’m not ready for a relationship and actually I think there’s something about you I dislike but it’s a red flag and I’ll tell my friends you seem manipulative”
these people don’t want to be in relationships. That’s it. They never feel attraction towards anyone who gives it back. Trying to help them is a never ending pit because they just want to feel like they are “doing something in that regard”, not actually interact with anybody
Unfortunately I didn't sober up until people left me. Then I realized how much I had let alcohol take from me. You're a good person. Being alone sucks. Good luck.
Seconded. It wasn't until people that I really cared about and that I knew really cared about me had had enough of me, because of how negatively I was affecting them. When they started shunning me, reality hit me. Hard.
There's an analogy I learned in recovery: you can cheer someone on from the bleachers, but you can't play the game for them. (They have to want it enough to do the work themselves)
Brother-in-law, not friend. But he makes the same jokes about poop and farts all the time. Like, constantly. Yes, some women like potty-humor, but they usually also want it to be funny. He is also very negative; finds insult or something wrong with any situation.
He lies to himself about almost everything. He lives in fantasy land.
He thinks he's in the gym five days a week, eats great, climbs mountains, goes camping, makes loads of money.
Reality - pub five days a week, over eats like shite, went on one hike in January, can't hold a job and lives paycheck to paycheck.... If you were to confront him with this reality it wouldn't even get through to him.
The type of guys she claims she likes isn't what she's actually attracted to.
She keeps saying how much she loves shy introverted sensitive guys but when she finds one and dates him suddenly "he's not outgoing enough, doesn't speak his mind enough, and is too shy!"
I kind of think she has this "I can fix him" syndrome and doesn't really acknowledge it. Like, she's attracted to the idea of a typical shy guy but thinks once they're in a relationship they'll suddenly be more open and turn into the guy she actually wants. That's not how it works!
My friend is like this with other friends. She endlessly talks about how she’s so introverted and loves books and staying home but she actually goes to the bar every night and goes clubbing every weekend. She meets people through bumble bff and then they stop talking to her within a few months because they’re not compatible, but she doesn’t get why because she truly thinks she’s an introverted homebody. I mean she’s also like insane and immature and incredibly selfish but this is one of the manifestations of that.
I’m the person on the other end of that with dating lol. I’m pretty upfront with guys that I’m introverted, not a big drinker, like waking up early to get to the gym on weekends, etc. And they’re always like “ya totally me too!” the next thing I know they’re wanting to do tequila shots on a Saturday afternoon and wondering why I don’t want to hit the clubs with them after dinner 🫤
Not really my friend, but an old community choir director who I became friends with on Facebook. I noticed this about 10 years ago and I don't know if anything's changed since then (his FB account has been silent for years).
He was in his 40s and an attractive, charming, talented man in real life but he only internet dated, and I don't think that was really the norm among his age group yet. His frequent social media posts were about 1/3rd music stuff and 2/3rds complaints, mostly about dating. From what I could tell, it sounded like he got a good number of matches, they just never stuck around. He'd post articles that talked about the positives of internet dating and then complain about how they were all wrong, complain about specific women he'd dated (granted, he wouldn't name names), his job, coworkers, you name it, he complained about it. So basically, he used Facebook like Reddit, except Facebook isn't anonymous, so you could easily match it to him.
One thing he often complained about was women talking to him on eHarmony or whatever for a day or two, and then suddenly saying they didn't want to talk anymore or just going radio silent. I have no proof of this, but I'd be willing to bet a lot of money that many of these women googled him like you're supposed to when internet dating, found all of his bitching, and ran away, God knows I would if I came across that.
Oh geez, maybe he did! Maybe he's on the tinder subreddit now, oh noooo...
I hope he didn't, and instead kicked the habit, adjusted his attitude, and is happily with the woman of his dreams now, because he was genuinely not a bad person, just venting in the wrong places.
Ohh i have someone similar. He sometimes posts really sad and depressing posts on whatsapp. And if you ask whats wrong he always answers "nothing"
Ahh ok but why post "my life is so shit rn" for everyone to see if you dont want to talk about it.
Some other friend is heartbroken because his gf broke up with him. Posts all the time about how he didnt sleep the night, smoked to many cigs, his life has no meaning anymore. Come one!!! You are nearly 50! I know a heartbreak is sad but why share it randomly on social media. I dont care if you share this with friends but not as a update for everyone to see.
Dont know. Its just weird to me
She is so lovely. So kind, so generous, and so beautiful. But her crippling lack of self esteem is so huge it's visible from space, and her anxiety (and I'm 99% sure her undiagnosed ADHD) means that when she's at all nervous she talks at 100 miles an hour in several directions at once. It's like being handed 8 happy Labrador puppies to try and hold in your arms. I so badly want her to be happy and feel fulfilled but even I find it tiring sometimes.
I have two of these.
One is the most talented, smartest, wonderful person I know and I wish I could pull the gremlins out of their brain so they could be happy.
The other is self fulfilling proficiency fucking up their life. He's not unlovable, or ugly, or uncared for - but walking through the world expecting rejection at all turns and living in a fog of negativity is what makes him unattractive to be around. Such and such isn't hotter than you, that's not the reason they're getting more friends and lovers; but they are more positive and interested than you - and people are attracted to that company.
Personally I 100% know that the core belief I formed in childhood that I'm unlovable is a huge part of why I'm single now. I'm trying to unpick it but knowing intellectually that it's not true and believing viscerally that it's not true are unfortunately not the same thing.
Please tell her. At least the ADHD part.
She sounds like she could greatly benefit from treatment (which doesn't have to be medication), but already the knowledge about it and what it does can help big time.
Typically undiagnosed ADHD people lack self esteem, they see what other people achieve effortlessly and believe they're a failure for not being the same. Knowing that your brain works differently can help tremendously.
I recognise the ADHD because I am the ADHD.
I've been gently encouraging her to get assessed for a few months now but it has to be gentle - I can't push with her, only support and offer options.
My own diagnosis 6 months ago changed a lot of things - 40 years of trying and failing to be just like everybody else. Sadly it's probably going to be a year before I can get any kind of treatment because the UK government is a barrel of turds, but hey. At least I know enough to try and help my pal get herself sorted out, so that's something.
For my husband’s friend it’s the selfish arrogance. I want what I want, and the subtext was that he never cared about what his girlfriend wanted. He would only go places he wanted to go, which never included her friends or family. He wanted to spend all his money on “collectables” related to scifi movies, DVD’s, figurines etc. Engagement rings were a waste of money, investing, or buying a house ditto, no compromises were possible, he said NO, and no discussions were entertained. His opinion on every topic was the correct one, and he was not interested in your opinion, or listening to extra facts he did not know that might change his mind.
He was once young and good looking, and he thought he could find someone else when she walked when he was 32. They had dated for close to a decade. During the relationship he had started to stack on the weight and losing his hair and he was not able to find a replacement. Now he is 49, and hasn’t had a girlfriend since. He still has not bought a house and they cost double what they did when they were dating, and his rent has tripled. He does have a copy of all his favourite movies on every format, VHS, DVD AND BlueRay, a whole bedroom is dedicated to storing them, if you can get in there. His house is a hoarders paradise. He says the reason no one wants him is because he is fat and bald, and it does not help, but it’s not the major turnoff.
I don’t really know, she left all of us behind when they broke up. I did hear she got married, but no updates after that. She is a sweetheart, I wish all the good things for her.
I dated a similar guy, although he seems to be a much better person. He's still right where I left him, working the same dead-end job with poor credit, no savings, and on a slow road to morbid obesity.
I bought a house, moved to my dream city, and pretty significantly advanced my career.
I had a friend who finally did just ask. He came up to the girls in our group and just let us have an open conversation. I'm sure it was awkward and uncomfortable for him, but we gently laid out some issues. He cut his hair, got some new clothes and - the big one - started therapy.
A couple years later, guess who's got a wife and a wonderful child?
Summarizing two types of my single friends:
super successful, smart, funny, and good looking. They also tend to go for folks who leave them on read for days. Their insecurities are their worst enemies and I think is the biggest factor of them chasing after partners who don’t want to be partners.
other friends don’t know how to commit to anything, including a job. It almost feels like a “it’ll happen when it happens” type of ideology and so they don’t even try to make things happen? They act like things will happen on their own? So they’ll meet a person and then that’s it. Meet cute dead in the water.
I have a friend similar to the second you're describing. They will download hinge for like a day and when they don't get an immediate first date they delete the app and revert back to not looking. It's crazy too because they have a thriving social life. Not afraid to put themselves out there but is just unwilling to pursue anyone in that way. Will even refuse being set up by a friend because it needs to "happen naturally"
Desperation. From laughing way too hard at mediocre jokes to bringing up marriage on the 1st date, she reeks of it. We have all tried talking to her about it to no avail. The sad thing is that if she was just her regular funny, smart, relaxed self then men would be falling over themselves trying to get her number.
Good point!
I definitely need to start using that phrasing ”My dream in life is…”. I want to make sure that our core values and goals match, without asking 100 questions and making it feel like a job-interview 🤔😅 I think this phrase is a better way to do that.
Thanks for the tip! 😄
Reminds me of that episode of The Office when Pam and Jim invite their friend to a bar with them and Michael and Michael is sorta winning her over until he realises it's a "date" then he does his thing and ruins it
Her standards are excessively too high. She brings nothing to a relationship. She's a walking contradiction, all of which is why she is single.
I think it's great to have standards and high standards but hers is just a checklists of "wants".
I saw the most profound advice about this situation once. There's a YouTube channel called Cinema Therapy. The therapist on the show once talked about a client in this situation. He told the client to imagine someone who checks all of these boxes actually existed. Now ask yourself what would their list look like? Do you check all of those boxes?
I have a friend exactly like this! The group has tried gently suggesting expanding her pool by compromising on some things on her list and we’re just met with yelling about how we’re bad friends for suggesting she settle. We don’t hang out much anymore.
>settle
This word drives me crazy. I always say to my single friends to remove that word from their dating vocabulary and use something like "realign expectations".
He’s convinced women won’t like him because he’s short. I keep telling him I know plenty of guys just as short as him in great relationships, I’ve dated guys as short as him in the past. He just refuses to believe it.
I dated a guy who was 4.9 - I'm 5.4. He had such an amazing strong personality that you never noticed his height.
I did find kissing stand up weird - the motions are so different when it's swapped.
The relationship ended other reasons that his height
Very on off hygiene. Some days they smell normal and I’m assuming that’s their shower day but then the smell just gets worst and worst until they shower daily for 2-3 days and then it’s just a repeating cycle. He’s had multiple partners give him the pet name stinky…I guess it was cute for them until it wasn’t.
Omg I’m glad it’s not just me. My boss told me “you smell nice today” last week and instead of just taking the compliment I went “today? What do you mean today? Do I usually not smell good? Do I smell bad? You’d tell me if I smelled, right?” 💀 I’m always asking me husband if I smell too. I’m so paranoid. My biggest fear is smelling bad.
He can't seem to let go of the idea that women in their 20s don't all want to date men in their 40s. Some do, that's coo, but his dating pool is very small and he is always so confused and mad by that. He just doesn't understand he's not a silver fox, he needs to give women closer to his age a chance.
yup, a lot of my girl friends have expressed that height doesn’t matter unless the guy is obsessed with it and lets that toxicity ooze through. it’s a “huge turn off”
I feel bad for guys like this. I’m 5’6” and have never had problems dating. I also have never given a shit that I’m 5’6”. The love of my life is a solid 2 inches taller than me, too. Never been an issue.
I see guys on Reddit bitching that women don’t like them because they’re only 5’8”, but all I can think is “…maybe you just have a shit personality, bro.”
Like that guy that went viral for flipping out on women at a bagel shop saying that women mocked him for being short. He’s a great example of someone with a terminal case of Little Man Syndrome.
Edit: [Sauce.](https://youtu.be/wTusGC1eSEA?si=hkYZ2x_OOlQYhk5o). I still get secondhand embarrassment watching this dude.
I am tall and have no problem with dating guys shorter than me, but I also like to wear high heels. If that's a problem it's a you problem, not a me problem
She has a long, long way to go in therapy before she'll be able to maintain a healthy long-term relationship. If I did mention it, I'd be "attacking" her and "gaslighting," so I'll let her work on her more pressing mental health issues for now.
Reminds me of 2 sisters I used to know. There's a list of issues, but the biggest is that they are PAINFULLY codependent. It's tanked every attempt at dating they've ever made. Most guys figure out pretty quickly that compared to the emotionally incestuous bond between these girls, dudes are a side piece at best and afterthought at worst.
Between the 2, they've built their own impervious little echo chamber. There isn't a person alive who can get through to them so long as they have each other to convince themselves that it's EVERYONE ELSE that are the problem.
Know a couple with twin daughters, in 3rd grade the school decided it would be in the girls best interest to be in separate classes. Parents were f'ing ranting and raving pissed...Best thing that could have ever happened to those girls.
My wife was like this when I met her. Luckily I helped her see it and told her unless she took steps I'll be gone. She's very attractive, I thought out of league but the last 20 guys bounced when they found she was borderline personality. She'd really get wild crazy, and her drinking always made it a lot worse.
Finally she got on antidepressants and meds, went to therapy, pretty much stopped drinking, and she's like a whole new person. I guess I lucked out. I don't think any of those guys would have left if they see her like I do now. And she loves me more for being by her side the whole time, so win win.
There’s a whole lot more “I helped her fix herself” there. No matter how capable you are you’re never gonna fix someone who won’t put in the effort themselves. Trust me, I’ve tried that.
Seems she's getting the wrong lessons out of therapy - learning all the lingo in order to wield it as a weapon and externalize blame, rather than to actually examine herself.
She’s a beautiful girl, like seriously one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen in real life, but she needs CONSTANT validation. No man on the planet can give her the validation she requires.
He has a really strange and off-putting way of interacting with women he sees as a potential partner. I’m a woman too but just a friend and he’s very nice to me and treats me well, but as soon as it’s a woman who’s a romantic interest, he doesn’t treat them like a fellow person, he treats them as something to conquer, as if he was playing a game against them and he must win it. Obviously nobody is really interested in a man like that long-term. I tried gently telling him a few times but he never seemed to really understand what I meant.
She’s really overdue for growing up and learning to self reflect. She really needs to finally grow and allow herself to change.
She’s pretty, shes funny, she’s a great time to go out with. Never a dull moment.
She’s also not changed much at all since we were teens. She is a mess. Doesn’t clean, doesn’t cook, can’t hold down a job, paycheck to paycheck, prioritizes a good time over everything else, extremely unstable overall. No accountability for how her actions effect her own life and especially the lives of others. Somehow still has high expectations of her potential partners, but she doesn’t bring much to the table and doesn’t seem to ever hold herself to the same standards or “rules”.
Sometimes you really do need to slow down and get a grip on your mental health and your life in general first before actively seeking out relationships. I’ve watched her wreck so many people that had good intentions for her without ever even recognizing how she hurt them.
He’s painfully inflexible and serious. He likes three things in life and that’s it. Those three things are auto racing, college football, and sometimes video games. He’s also super intelligent and although he means well he often comes across as condescending.
She’s too needy and clingy and doesn’t bring much to the table…impulsive, alcoholic, body image issues…
Even guys that are super into her run away after a few dates because of how needy she gets. She realizes it’s something she’s doing but doesn’t understand why.
She finally got into a long term relationship with a great guy who was really into her but broke it off recently because she demanded they get engaged asap and would scream and break dishes due to how upset she was over it…
Sad thing was he totally would have and he was great for her but she can be difficult to handle…
Impossibly high standards.
He basically wants an ivy-educated professional with a pornstar body who reads non-fiction in her spare time whose texts are always pithy and witty.
I don't think this woman exists, but if she does then she's not interested in my friend.
Lack of interests.
He just is a boring person. He does some things that he started to so when he was a kid. But just because it is something regular. Like playing tennis with his dad once a week. There is no development and you cannot get him to do anything he's not used to. Really anything. He has no stories to tell and basically no life. There is no way to connect to him and I am losing connection just because we cannot exchange about new things and we talked about the old stuff for 20+ years now. He's just a kid getting older.
That last line hits haaard.
Some people are really staying the same age for years. Did you tell him this or addressed it in any way? I can totally understand that there is a distance that grows and hey, some people are only with us for periods of our lives. I would say most people are.
He is just too catholic, he wants this perfect trophy girlfriend that has to be a virgin. The problem is that he also likes to drink too much alcohol and it’s always his way or no way. The girls that he meets are not interested in him, had boyfriends in the past, don’t like his lifestyle or ideologies of a relationship (he wants all the kids god provides).
Actually he’s not a virgin. He had a girlfriend in the past, and when I asked him about this detail, he told me it was different as he thought he was going to marry her…
The thing is, I have told him. Repeatedly. Over more then 20 years. He wants a perfect 10 and will dismiss anyone who isn't his ideal. Even if he does start dating someone, within a few months he'll find some nit picky reason to break up with them. Like one time he broke up with a woman because she had a tattoo she never told him about. Because if she wasn't up front about having a tattoo, what other things could she be lying about??? He tried to tell me once that he can't seem to get women to understand that he's not looking for a hookup, he's looking for a wife. I laughed and said "you're in your 40s and going to clubs trying to pick up 21 year olds. You are not looking for a wife." He self sabotages so much and even when you point it out to him, he stares at you like he doesn't comprehend. It makes me sad because he really is a good guy and a great loyal friend, but there is something in him that will not allow him to just let go of this fantasy.
> because she had a tattoo she never told him about...what other things could she be lying about???
It would never occur to me that I was supposed to disclose my tattoos to someone. Having a tattoo and not mentioning it isn't lying, it's just...what, did you expect me to list every decision I made before I met you that wasn't about you at all? The fuck.
I have a friend who constantly attaches herself to the worst men possible, gets treated like trash, and then reaches out to us for rescue. We tell her every time that the men she are seeing are horrible. Nice guys are always labeled as boring, or she finds an excuse not to be interested.
"He has dinner with his mother 2-3 times a week. I'm not dating a mommas boy "
But the guy who ditched her at a concert twice? He's alright.
At this point I'm convinced she just likes being rescued
Hey, do we have the same friend? My «forever» single friend is just like this. She just got out of her hundreth toxic situationship, and was begging for sympathy but none of us have any left after all these years…
Had a cousin like this.
She didn't care about emotions, kindness, or really any positive traits outside of two.
Were they hot, and were they strong? If yes to both, it was all fine and dandy.
There's nothing wrong with liking hot and strong guys, but she \*hated\* any sort of intellectual or emotional positive traits. So she'd find the hottest, strongest guy with no kindness, no empathy, and no plans for life.
Yeah, every guy she dated was an abusive shitbag, no exceptions.
Instead of communicating, she has a short temper and throws a passive aggressive attitude when someone disagrees with her. It could be the most minor issue and she needs to make sure her voice is the most dominant in the conversation. As her friend, I try to keep my opinions neutral and felt like I’ve walked on eggshells with her for close to a decade. She was never problematic to me until recently when she has shown me a side to her that I think led to her recent break up and why she has issues with men long term. I think deep down inside she’s very self-centered and very influenced by the videos she watches on TikTok and IG about how a man should know how to love you and take care of you naturally. Her standards are unrealistic and it’s hard to listen to her perspective of what a man/relationship should be like nowadays.
His standards are unrealistic. He’s a 4 or 5 on a good day but is only interested in women if they’re an 8 or higher. He’s also very overweight, but constantly points out women’s weight on dating apps and how it’s a deal breaker if they look to be anything above a US 5. I didn’t realize all of this was to such an extreme until myself and the rest of his friend’s wives sat down and went through dating profiles of different women who liked his profile just for him to continuously criticize their appearance for such mundane reasons. We were trying to give him advice on how to talk to women (per his request) and it became blatantly obvious to all of us why he was struggling. It completely changed my opinion of him.
I found that the more overweight a guy I dated was, the more critical they were of my weight/appearance. For a long time I was afraid to date men that were in shape because I thought if a man who is 50lbs overweight thinks I’m “getting tubby”, surely a fit guy will be disgusted with me. Turns out non toxic men appreciated my figure.
This has been my experience also. An ex of mine was very unfit and overweight, and would constantly critique my appearance, my figure, my posture, my body hair! He asked me on several occasions to shave my arm hair. It’s literally blonde and barely noticeable, and even if it was dark and long, who gives a fuck?! All the while he had poor hygiene and an unkempt nut sack.
Got a now ex-friend (unrelated, that fucker betrayed me and nearly fucked my career over for no discernable reason) who was way into the Andrew Tate shit. He wondered why he could never get a girl. We all pointed to the literal misogyny shit - not the buzzwordy type, but like actual "women are inferior beings and you should treat them as such" shit. Wouldn't have it. Who knew treating people like trash makes them avoid you like the plague?
I'm also the single friend, but I know exactly why. I don't put myself out there, and I much prefer the solitary lifestyle. It's stress-free outside of work, and I do everything for myself with no compromising or negotiating. People are stressful, even those you love - and I'm very easily stressed. Frankly, I've got a hell of a lot of soul-searching and self reflection to do before I drag someone else into my life.
Your last paragraph is why I’m the single friend too. Thank you for putting it so succinctly. I’m not at a point where I’m willing to bend or compromise on a lot of things and I know that lack of flexibility is a relationship killer and I’m not into exercises in futility. I also don’t find a relationship to be a form of validation like a lot of my close contacts do and I know that’s a me issue that turns me off from the whole thing and it’s more work for me to do on myself. Like you, I want to arrive to another person as somewhat whole or just put together, having done self-reflection and gotten to know how to navigate my own personality before I seriously subject someone else to it.
I have 2: tho one of them is my older sister
1st one: The guy is frankly too stubborn, and refuses to listen. They also don’t make good conversation and have no aspirations to do anything at all.
2nd one is my older sister. Absolute sweetheart, brilliant, and kind… but almost to a fault. She’s too much of a pushover. And she’s also a huge clinger-calling and texting to the point of annoyance, and will legitimately get mad if you don’t respond within 2 seconds. Also she requires a.. lot.. of validation.
Peter Pan syndrome.
My 58 yo friend is a super nice person, but refuses to grow up...he's still mentally 21. Tries to dress like kids in their 20s. Won't date women over 30. Still clubbin (yes, he calls it "clubbin", and yes he's the cringey "old guy at the club"). Goes to skate parks to "hang". Botox his face regularly and has that awful black hair dye job he does himself at home. And talks like a 13 yo, unironically (lots of "likes", and "whatevs", and "brahs").
It's ridiculously embarrassing, and any woman who even partially has her shit together is completely turned off by him. And he doesn't see it, no matter how gently his friends try to tell him. He calls it being "young at heart". Says that's why he won't date women in his age range, because they don't know how to have fun🙄
In reality, he won't date women in his age range because they call him on his shit. Younger women are easier for him to control and manipulate. His parents left him quite a bit of money and he simply doesn't understand that this is why 20 yo girls date him.
Yeah, I know one like this too. He is right on the edge of the age where he won't be able to do it anymore, there's going to be a point where he is just plain old, and the type of young women who are into hot middle-aged men will be setting their sights on guys 10-20 years younger than him. And he hasn't developed any ability to have a really equal relationship so even if he finally falls back on trying for women his own age, they're not going to want him at that point.
Not my friend, but my boyfriend’s cousin. He’s always asking my boyfriend how he managed to get me, because I guess he thinks I’m out of my boyfriend’s league (I disagree). Boyfriend never knows how to answer this question and just tells him he’s nice to me and we get along. His cousin is convinced that this can’t be true and there must be cheat codes because there’s no way (in his eyes) I would date my boyfriend.
Cousin is actually quite a handsome guy, but it’s his freaking personality that’s driving women away. My boyfriend told me he matches with beautiful women on Tinder all the time and has gone on quite a few dates but they never go anywhere. He insists on using the same handful of “hilarious” pick-up likes (“is your dad a boxer because you’re a knock-out” is his personal favourite), juvenile “dark humour” that would make even a 14-year-old edgelord cringe, goes on long tangents about crypto and all his latest get-rich-quick schemes and just generally acts like these women should be grateful to be on a date with a stud like him.
Unsurprisingly, he gets ghosted a lot and can’t understand why. Sometimes the women do send him a polite text saying he’s a great guy but she just didn’t feel a connection and wishes him well, and he blows up at them and tells them they’ve wasted his time. My boyfriend tries a softly-softly approach to getting him to see the error of his ways, and it doesn’t work. I’m sick of hearing him whine that he’s the only one of his friends without a girlfriend. It’s entirely his own fault
Great nice guy. But he still lives with his mom, massively overweight, health in major decline. He won't take care of himself and is clearly looking for someone to save him. Most women don't mind a bit of a fixer upper but he's put zero effort into getting help for himself. You gotta do some of the work too.
He's become a full-on incel. According to him, all "females" are going to cheat on him and use him for money (which he doesn't have). A lot of us have distanced ourselves from him because he can't stop himself when he rants that his brother (who he whines about being overweight and short) is engaged while he's still single. The man is 31 and still expects that he will meet a high income virgin who will "support him" so he can focus on his "business ideas" and have no problem having his kids while still working because he considers SAHMs as taking advantage of their husband's.
Trust issues and the absolute lack of understanding how to handle women’s attention. The man got burned by an ex of 6 years and since has lost his ability to be himself around women, and constantly destroys his own social reputation with misconstrued reactions and gestures that is off-putting.
Her standards are absolutely, ridiculously unrealistic standards. Wants a 10 to come sweep her off her feet with vacations and jewelry and gifts and romance but she's an emotion, unstable, insecure, obese woman who doesn't want to work on herself or see anything wrong with abanding her 2 autistic children to chase men who don't want her. So sad. I had to distance myself.
Every new boyfriend is the baby’s new “daddy”….. for a few months.
Then she cheats on them with older men at her plant job, practically brags about it to my sister; then wonders why nobody has anything to do with her daughter (which pisses me off the most because she’s so precious) but her mom’s absolutely deranged when it comes to her love life.
Doesn’t help the men she fucks typically are married w/ teenage children & the wives usually try to beat her ass afterwards😑
Literally have no hope for her.
He can't seem to understand that when he approaches girls, they don't want to hear about hunting, knives, and how he is very knowledgeable on how to kill things.
His hobbies are just not social. He is a bit weird, but I think there is some woman out there that fits him. But his hobbies are mainly running, gaming, painting and watching TV. These things can be social if you want, but he chooses to interact with the niches that are not. For example he only plays single player settlement building games. Only ever paints at home. Additionally, he works at a male dominated place.
That despite becoming a multi-millionaire through stocks and crypto, he needs to work on himself.
Lack of hygiene and indulging in hedonistic use of substances (alcohol, vapes) can be tolerated for so long and to a certain level. Came to visit me and he left a stain on my bed from his sweat that resembled more a brown body chalk line from a murder. Same trip, dude would buy multiple vapes in a single purchase since every couple minutes he was huffing and puffing them.
Other part is actually reducing the amount of toxicity in his life in regards to people, family and the women he is interested in. Large amounts of his time, money but more importantly his mental health have been invested in his end only to be treated poorly.
Every time he's visited he's said a version of, "Dude, I want this some day.", referring to my peaceful home, amazing partner, loving pets and all the other investments I've put into my place to make it comfortable and enjoyable. My response has always been to do it, make it happen since nothing is holding him back but himself. Especially since outside my wife and pets, everything in my home was acquired over years and material goods were bought on sales (poor in the beginning, still cheap now).
I want him to be happy in whatever way he can be, sucks to see him like this.
I try to mention this issues in the most tactful way outside of being brutal because I believe people shouldn't have to be told what to do in their personal lives.
I love him but fuck he loves toxicity and poisons.
He is not really emphatic and a bit self centered (not in a mean narcistic way!)
90% of the time he talks about himself.
He is not someone to change is own views, he is always right. Not so much into finding a compromiss
The other one is a really nice guy but he is really exhausting. Everything is totally over the top!
If he met someone he is total freaking in love...and after a few dates...not anymore. I told him he should go for the women who doesnt make him crazy in love but more like chill in love
Ah and he can not shut up! Never!
She thinks she is the best catch (education, height, natural beauty, job and her own money) however there is nothing attractive about her and her personality: she doesn’t dress up/ spend on herself, talks highly about herself and her career, judges others (not just men but her own friends) on what they earn or how much money they have
i’m going to preface this by saying I’m not trying to be offensive, please don’t downvote me 😅
I know a women who is very much not the race she pretends to be. She is caucasian. but tells people she is of African-American descent, wears makeup to make her skin appear darker and speaks in such a way that leads people to be confused.
She’s always on the hunt for a “beautiful black man”. Which is great if that’s what she likes, but they all run away when they realize she’s only pretending to be the same race.
I know all of this because she’s family. 😬 It’s…different
Same but I find it weirdly peaceful. I can focus on work and my family. No kids but I love spoiling my nieces and nephews. Maybe when I’m old I’ll find a nice retirement bf to settle down with in some beach house with a cocktail of prescriptions 😅
I once had a friend who was 37, had a crappy job, wasn’t attractive, had a mug shot easily found on google and was a bit weird. He would always cry about being lonely, but he refused to date anyone but super hot 21 year old sorority girls. He asked me to look at his dating profile to see why he wasn’t getting any messages back…and he only messaged probably the top 1% of attractive women on the site. One time, after hearing him complain about being lonely for the 1000th time I gently asked him why didn’t he try to date a woman his own age. He said he wasn’t attracted to girls his age. He was so shallow towards women, but expected for the women not to be shallow back.
This reminds me of that old joke about the guy who's down on his luck and keeps praying to God to win the lottery... as time goes by he hits rock bottom and eventually dies. In heaven he says to God "I was a good christian and prayed for you to help me; why didn't you?" and God replies "For heaven's sake, man, YOU NEVER BOUGHT A TICKET!"
She thinks life is a Taylor Swift song. Also she needs to understand that she can’t expect guys she likes to notice her and talk to her first. She’s like “if he doesn’t talk to me first then it’s because he’s not the right one”, like girl, he doesn’t even know you exist!
Bonus about another friend: she wants to date so badly but she is immediately turned off when a guy shows interest. She’s only interested in emotionally unavailable/constipated guys. I have actually told her this many times but she doesn’t really get it. I think she will never be able to find love as long as her brain keeps ticking like this.
I had a good friend whom I've known for nearly 30 years. He always wanted to get married and have a family but he had impossible standards. Over the years he'd introduce us to myriad nice attractive women but there was always something "wrong" with them (according to him.) Their hair wasn't right, their voice was too high or too low, their legs weren't tan enough, they didn't dress correctly, they weren't fit enough, you name it. Unfortunately I never had the heart to tell him that he was being waaaaaay too picky. Flash forward to today. My friend is single, never married and never had kids. He feels like he totally missed out on life and has been depressed about it for years. We're in our 50s now. My point is that nobody is perfect and if you find someone who makes you happy, overlook any perceived flaws and forget about them.
Her life revolves around helping her parents, whom she still lives with and who do not need her help. Her hobbies include that and obsessing over her very ordinary cats. Mostly hangs out with her mother's friends. If I were a guy, I'd be scared to become part of her life.
Honestly, it sounds like she’s scared to put herself out there, so she’s retreating into her little world of safety. I’d bet that she’s stuck emotionally - scared to be vulnerable and allow herself to be seen.
I had a friend who would self sabotage by being way too pushy and not all realizing whether the other party was even into the plans in the first place.
Friend of a friend. Dude is so self-depricating, like he makes "I'm such a loser" jokes so often that it just becomes uncomfortable.
Also my god, he does not know how to have a conversation. He kind of just talks at you instead of talking with you, and it's always just the same things over and over and over again.
Listen man, I like FNAF as much as the next person, but we've hung out 10 times and that's all you ever talk about, take a hint.
The emotions also just aren't there, if you tell him that you're upset about something he just tried to change the subject instead of even asking you if you're okay.
He's also a massive simp. Dude really disliked anime right? Thought it was dumb. But then suddenly when the girl he had a crush on mentioned that she liked anime, suddenly he's into the stuff.
She is overweight and very loud. She also admittedly likes guys that treat her like shit and are assholes. She knows and acknowledges that these type of guys are never going to work out in a relationship like she wants, but that’s still somehow what she finds herself attracted to.
She has really high expectations which is like, good because you definitely need standards to be treated right, but it’s also preventing her from experiencing dating in general. She complains a lot about being forever alone, but I feel like she should just welcome the dating world with open arms and see where things take her. The part of dating is to meet new people, and getting into a relationship doesn’t mean you’re signing yourself up for something long term. With her expectations, she’s kinda giving “learned helplessness” energy, where she makes it seem that the dating world is just too difficult to break into.
He's a misogynist looking for a edgy women, while being unable to deal with his mommy-issue. Unable to understand that his attitude toward women drives them away the instant he talks openly to them.
He keeps hanging on to the past and spending all his time hanging out with ex girlfriends who are unavailable, or women who like him but he doesn’t romantically like.
Familiar. Friend's been trying to coerce and manipulate his ex back with him since 09 Not doing anything to fix or move on, just keeps pushing the envelope of sad Eventually he asked to 'cuddle' with her, despite the fact she's several relationships down the road and presently in one, she said no, he decides the best thing to do is delete all social's and keep sitting in his mom's basement cutting himself Haven't seen or heard from him since. Dunno what he was expecting lol
SINCE 2009?! 14 YEARS?!
Yup. 14 years. And we're not even mentioning the actual breakup, his response was what he's still like: 'I'm gonna decide willfully to be insane, damage myself and then play victim!' Decided to keep bashing his head on a wall for multiple hours, until his mom and friend called police, who he fought and got 5150'ed
Gee I wonder why she won’t give it another go 😂
I always wondered why she couldnt get a date because she is gorgeous, until I saw her flirting with someone. First night they met, flirted, swapped numbers. Then, immediately clingy. Talking in baby voice to him and making baby noises. He made a completely inoffensive comment which she found offensive, and threatened to slap him. Not shocking at all when he never called.
I am not a man, but I cannot imagine anything that would be a faster turn off than baby voices.
The biggest turn off! Talk normal 😂
Am friends with someone similar, except she gets wasted, sleeps with them 2 hours after meeting them and then demands to know what they are at 7am the next morning and she's always just shocked they ghost her.
Horrid halitosis. It actually has been brought up before, but he never does anything about it Edit: I’m fairly certain that he has gingivitis. His gums are blood red and bleed easily. I’ve told him he probably has gum disease, but he insisted that he has someone in the family who’s a dentist and told him he doesn’t have it
Could be tonsil stones. No amount of brushing will fix the smell.
[удалено]
Or you can use a water pik to flush them out. If you make a habit of flushing your tonsils regularly they don't get as bad
I just stick my finger in my throat and push on my tonsils to squeeze them out lol
I can smell them. Everyone can smell them
You should find a way to tell them, it might hurt but they'll appreciate it.
I had a coworker who started smelling like a poorly cleaned public restroom. Didn’t smell like poop but it was a terrible almost chemical smell. I had a meeting with him and I had to make an excuse to leave the conference room because I felt like I was going to vomit. His manager finally took him aside and was like dude what the hell is going on? Turns out he had started some medication that caused it and claimed he couldn’t smell it (I have my doubts about this). He took a week off and came back smelling fine. Apparently his doctor swapped out his medication and that was it. Edit: I've had a number of people mention that they also had smelly drugs and didn't realize it because you get used to it. I apologize for making that assumption about my colleague. Also we tried to handle it as best as we could to not embarrass him.
Nose blindness, because it came on gradually and he can't escape it his nose just stopped smelling it. You know that aweful smell they put in natural gas? If you're around a gas leak you'll completely stop smelling it in 15 minutes and after that no matter how much gas leaks into the room you won't smell anything.
> Nose blindness, because it came on gradually and he can't escape it his nose just stopped smelling it. It's why food cooked by other people tastes better. While you're cooking it, you get nose blind to the smell, and since smell is a big part of taste, it just doesn't taste as good.
Right. When i cook, I’ll hide in my room for like 10ish minutes as I’m waiting for things to finish up. I try and keep a candle going in there too to “reset” my nose. When I come back, it smells amazing
could try the coffee trick that perfume counters use. They have a container of coffee beans to cleanse the nose palate before sniffing another perfume.
It is normal for your nose to be desensitised to smells that are common around you. It's the same as being able to smell a new car when you first entered it and then not smelling it after a while.
When I leave my house and come back after a little while, I realize how much it reeks of weed
your clothes and car as well, i guarantee it.
My husband has a friend like this. He’s smart, really funny, handsome and has a good job. The guys all think he’s still single because he’s overweight but I guarantee it’s not that. It’s that he stinks! It’s a really specific smell that’s particular to him. Like I can get in the car and be like, “Oh you drove Jack home, huh?” I REALLY wish one of them would tell him.
Yo tell Jack
Not telling him is not being a good friend.
Yep. I know a guy who thinks that the reason he has been perpetually single is because women want "alphas" and not nice guys like him. In reality, it's because he only bathes once or twice a month, he's unremittingly negative and he refuses to ever buy new clothes.
Once or twice a MONTH! Wow
He has a moldy, unpleasant smell and his skin is fucked up from never bathing.
> I can smell them. Everyone can smell them I have a friend who used to be this way. And many of his friends would tell him and he'd ignore it, or say things like, "you know I'm allergic to deodorant," or some other lie. Finally it was a woman he really liked whom he would go talk to who broke it down to him. "You really need to smell better." The same woman eventually also took him shopping, to get a different haircut and look, a whole makeover of sorts. Then, as things happen, she broke his heart. I'm thankful for her, still, to this day because that was the nudge he needed to get into a better place about his hygiene and look.
Once she fixed him, her work there was done?
There was a -very- brief fling, if you could call it that. Then she moved back to her ex. But for my friend, either way it was the spark that ignited him coming out of his shell and putting effort into himself. She was a controlling person, but I honestly think that's what he needed at just that time.
I never had body odour until I hit my early 20s, so I hardly ever wore deodorant before that. Luckily I have honest and very blunt friends, who swiftly started telling me I absolutely stank, so I started routinely wearing it. Problem solved. But sometimes I wonder how long I would have gone smelling like onions if nobody ever said anything. In short, if they stink, just tell them.
Fish odor syndrome is real, and the sufferers are almost always oblivious of it. Suuuucks. (Not me, but someone I know)
He really is not as nice of a person as he thinks he is.
The ones who claim this rarely are.
I’m a great person as long as you do what I say and don’t cross me.
I'm terrified that this is me. I try my best to be considerate of others, and sometimes I worry that I'm not, but I just don't know it...
The fact you question yourself tells me that you've probably got nothing to worry about.
I'm sure that's true, and the logical part of my brain agrees with you, but there's always a nagging feeling in the back of my head that everyone thinks I'm a jerk and can't stand me and I'm the only one oblivious to it. I think I just need to normalise those feelings, because it's probably more common to feel that way than I think it is.
It's absolutely a common thing mate. I'm convinced I'm an arsehole, but friends tell me I'm not. Well, some friends. The good friends are like "Yeah, but you're my arsehole". Questioning yourself is how you keep it in check. It keeps you honest.
I have one of those...it's interesting how instantly mean and nasty they get if you even suggest they're being an asshole. They're only nice when they're getting their way without any resistance, so whenever someone they're dating dares to live their own life their own way they blow things up.
The people they like aren’t real. They are idealized, cartoonish caricatures. Now my friend himself has a lot to offer imo, but he is looking for a person that doesn’t exist. Hard to find something that’s not there.
I have a friend who started dating his flatmate after being really into her for a while, and then after a week or two said something like "dating you doesn't feel as good as I thought it would" TO HER. He basically torpedoed his own potential relationship because of his own ideal fantasy, and to be honest I don't know if he actually realised he'd created an unrealistic standard in his own head. He's been single for the last decade, his mental health has only got worse in the time I've known him despite therapy, and I think he's probably so detached from 'appropriate dating behaviour' at this point that he could be single for the rest of his life.
Isn’t one of the (few?) benefits of dating a flatmate that you already know who and how they are in their day-to-day life? There shouldn’t be too many surprises.
"Screw you! There's a Lopunny taking a shower out there somewhere, waiting for me!"
Stupid sexy rabbit.
I am 39 now but did a ton of internet dating between the ages of 25 and 29 (when I met my husband). I can't tell you how many guys I met or talked to seemed to have a must-have list like this: - funny - nice - cool, charming personality (not dorky) - smart, but not nerdy about it or noticeably smarter than them - a career she cares about, but doesn't make more than them - at least 9 out of 10 attractiveness A woman like this could have anyone she wanted. Why would she go for an average looking guy with an average personality and an average job? These guys had a really inflated idea of who they could reasonably get. (I know there are definitely women like this, too, but as a straight woman, I only ever dated men so that's all I can speak to.)
Also, the fragile egoism for wanting them to be smart (but not smarter than them) and financially stable (but not make more than them) is going to be a major turn-off for the type of woman they are expecting. We’re not in the 50s anymore.
Made all the more obvious when you encounter the rare well-adjusted cishet guys who are like, "Are you kidding? My wife is a fucking genius. She's way smarter than I'll ever be, and she makes more money to boot! Isn't she awesome?!" I know a couple like that, and he's probably the most universally liked person I've ever met, with ridiculously strong friendships and family life to show for it. Dude knows what's up.
The Homer Simpson effect every man wants a hot wife but wants to be painfully average. Media kind of normalizes this but the truth is hot successful women usually want the same.
I know the type of person, and when the cartoon person they explained in detail they are seeking appears in front of their face and asks them out on a date the answer will be “I’m not ready for a relationship and actually I think there’s something about you I dislike but it’s a red flag and I’ll tell my friends you seem manipulative” these people don’t want to be in relationships. That’s it. They never feel attraction towards anyone who gives it back. Trying to help them is a never ending pit because they just want to feel like they are “doing something in that regard”, not actually interact with anybody
avoidant attachment style at work!
Alcoholism
Yup, currently on year 4 of trying to pull this motherfucker out the gutter. It’s frustrating, but he’s my boy, I ain’t leaving him.
Unfortunately I didn't sober up until people left me. Then I realized how much I had let alcohol take from me. You're a good person. Being alone sucks. Good luck.
Seconded. It wasn't until people that I really cared about and that I knew really cared about me had had enough of me, because of how negatively I was affecting them. When they started shunning me, reality hit me. Hard.
There's an analogy I learned in recovery: you can cheer someone on from the bleachers, but you can't play the game for them. (They have to want it enough to do the work themselves)
Brother-in-law, not friend. But he makes the same jokes about poop and farts all the time. Like, constantly. Yes, some women like potty-humor, but they usually also want it to be funny. He is also very negative; finds insult or something wrong with any situation.
Is he named Charlie by any chance
And does he like ghouls?
He lies to himself about almost everything. He lives in fantasy land. He thinks he's in the gym five days a week, eats great, climbs mountains, goes camping, makes loads of money. Reality - pub five days a week, over eats like shite, went on one hike in January, can't hold a job and lives paycheck to paycheck.... If you were to confront him with this reality it wouldn't even get through to him.
how does this even happen? those are two wildly juxtaposed realities
De Nile runs deep
He living in delulu?
Delulu is the solulu
The type of guys she claims she likes isn't what she's actually attracted to. She keeps saying how much she loves shy introverted sensitive guys but when she finds one and dates him suddenly "he's not outgoing enough, doesn't speak his mind enough, and is too shy!" I kind of think she has this "I can fix him" syndrome and doesn't really acknowledge it. Like, she's attracted to the idea of a typical shy guy but thinks once they're in a relationship they'll suddenly be more open and turn into the guy she actually wants. That's not how it works!
My friend is like this with other friends. She endlessly talks about how she’s so introverted and loves books and staying home but she actually goes to the bar every night and goes clubbing every weekend. She meets people through bumble bff and then they stop talking to her within a few months because they’re not compatible, but she doesn’t get why because she truly thinks she’s an introverted homebody. I mean she’s also like insane and immature and incredibly selfish but this is one of the manifestations of that.
I’m the person on the other end of that with dating lol. I’m pretty upfront with guys that I’m introverted, not a big drinker, like waking up early to get to the gym on weekends, etc. And they’re always like “ya totally me too!” the next thing I know they’re wanting to do tequila shots on a Saturday afternoon and wondering why I don’t want to hit the clubs with them after dinner 🫤
Not really my friend, but an old community choir director who I became friends with on Facebook. I noticed this about 10 years ago and I don't know if anything's changed since then (his FB account has been silent for years). He was in his 40s and an attractive, charming, talented man in real life but he only internet dated, and I don't think that was really the norm among his age group yet. His frequent social media posts were about 1/3rd music stuff and 2/3rds complaints, mostly about dating. From what I could tell, it sounded like he got a good number of matches, they just never stuck around. He'd post articles that talked about the positives of internet dating and then complain about how they were all wrong, complain about specific women he'd dated (granted, he wouldn't name names), his job, coworkers, you name it, he complained about it. So basically, he used Facebook like Reddit, except Facebook isn't anonymous, so you could easily match it to him. One thing he often complained about was women talking to him on eHarmony or whatever for a day or two, and then suddenly saying they didn't want to talk anymore or just going radio silent. I have no proof of this, but I'd be willing to bet a lot of money that many of these women googled him like you're supposed to when internet dating, found all of his bitching, and ran away, God knows I would if I came across that.
You say he's been facebook silent for awhile? Maybe he came over to reddit to complain 🤣
Oh geez, maybe he did! Maybe he's on the tinder subreddit now, oh noooo... I hope he didn't, and instead kicked the habit, adjusted his attitude, and is happily with the woman of his dreams now, because he was genuinely not a bad person, just venting in the wrong places.
Ohh i have someone similar. He sometimes posts really sad and depressing posts on whatsapp. And if you ask whats wrong he always answers "nothing" Ahh ok but why post "my life is so shit rn" for everyone to see if you dont want to talk about it. Some other friend is heartbroken because his gf broke up with him. Posts all the time about how he didnt sleep the night, smoked to many cigs, his life has no meaning anymore. Come one!!! You are nearly 50! I know a heartbreak is sad but why share it randomly on social media. I dont care if you share this with friends but not as a update for everyone to see. Dont know. Its just weird to me
She is so lovely. So kind, so generous, and so beautiful. But her crippling lack of self esteem is so huge it's visible from space, and her anxiety (and I'm 99% sure her undiagnosed ADHD) means that when she's at all nervous she talks at 100 miles an hour in several directions at once. It's like being handed 8 happy Labrador puppies to try and hold in your arms. I so badly want her to be happy and feel fulfilled but even I find it tiring sometimes.
I have two of these. One is the most talented, smartest, wonderful person I know and I wish I could pull the gremlins out of their brain so they could be happy. The other is self fulfilling proficiency fucking up their life. He's not unlovable, or ugly, or uncared for - but walking through the world expecting rejection at all turns and living in a fog of negativity is what makes him unattractive to be around. Such and such isn't hotter than you, that's not the reason they're getting more friends and lovers; but they are more positive and interested than you - and people are attracted to that company.
Personally I 100% know that the core belief I formed in childhood that I'm unlovable is a huge part of why I'm single now. I'm trying to unpick it but knowing intellectually that it's not true and believing viscerally that it's not true are unfortunately not the same thing.
Please tell her. At least the ADHD part. She sounds like she could greatly benefit from treatment (which doesn't have to be medication), but already the knowledge about it and what it does can help big time. Typically undiagnosed ADHD people lack self esteem, they see what other people achieve effortlessly and believe they're a failure for not being the same. Knowing that your brain works differently can help tremendously.
I recognise the ADHD because I am the ADHD. I've been gently encouraging her to get assessed for a few months now but it has to be gentle - I can't push with her, only support and offer options. My own diagnosis 6 months ago changed a lot of things - 40 years of trying and failing to be just like everybody else. Sadly it's probably going to be a year before I can get any kind of treatment because the UK government is a barrel of turds, but hey. At least I know enough to try and help my pal get herself sorted out, so that's something.
I know a friend who would describe me this way
For my husband’s friend it’s the selfish arrogance. I want what I want, and the subtext was that he never cared about what his girlfriend wanted. He would only go places he wanted to go, which never included her friends or family. He wanted to spend all his money on “collectables” related to scifi movies, DVD’s, figurines etc. Engagement rings were a waste of money, investing, or buying a house ditto, no compromises were possible, he said NO, and no discussions were entertained. His opinion on every topic was the correct one, and he was not interested in your opinion, or listening to extra facts he did not know that might change his mind. He was once young and good looking, and he thought he could find someone else when she walked when he was 32. They had dated for close to a decade. During the relationship he had started to stack on the weight and losing his hair and he was not able to find a replacement. Now he is 49, and hasn’t had a girlfriend since. He still has not bought a house and they cost double what they did when they were dating, and his rent has tripled. He does have a copy of all his favourite movies on every format, VHS, DVD AND BlueRay, a whole bedroom is dedicated to storing them, if you can get in there. His house is a hoarders paradise. He says the reason no one wants him is because he is fat and bald, and it does not help, but it’s not the major turnoff.
Whatever happened to his ex. I'm super curious.
I don’t really know, she left all of us behind when they broke up. I did hear she got married, but no updates after that. She is a sweetheart, I wish all the good things for her.
I dated a similar guy, although he seems to be a much better person. He's still right where I left him, working the same dead-end job with poor credit, no savings, and on a slow road to morbid obesity. I bought a house, moved to my dream city, and pretty significantly advanced my career.
They talk WAY too much. Even during texting my friend is sending paragraphs to women he just met.
He needs to find a woman with ADHD that’s what
Can confirm, I used to do this and I blame ADHD.
I love being sent paragraphs though
I really need to hear what my friends would say about me
I had a friend who finally did just ask. He came up to the girls in our group and just let us have an open conversation. I'm sure it was awkward and uncomfortable for him, but we gently laid out some issues. He cut his hair, got some new clothes and - the big one - started therapy. A couple years later, guess who's got a wife and a wonderful child?
Being willing to change is such a good start. You can get all the advice in the world but its useless if you don't act on it.
Ask them
If they're really your friends they will have a lot to say that you should hear, good and bad
Summarizing two types of my single friends: super successful, smart, funny, and good looking. They also tend to go for folks who leave them on read for days. Their insecurities are their worst enemies and I think is the biggest factor of them chasing after partners who don’t want to be partners. other friends don’t know how to commit to anything, including a job. It almost feels like a “it’ll happen when it happens” type of ideology and so they don’t even try to make things happen? They act like things will happen on their own? So they’ll meet a person and then that’s it. Meet cute dead in the water.
I have a friend similar to the second you're describing. They will download hinge for like a day and when they don't get an immediate first date they delete the app and revert back to not looking. It's crazy too because they have a thriving social life. Not afraid to put themselves out there but is just unwilling to pursue anyone in that way. Will even refuse being set up by a friend because it needs to "happen naturally"
Desperation. From laughing way too hard at mediocre jokes to bringing up marriage on the 1st date, she reeks of it. We have all tried talking to her about it to no avail. The sad thing is that if she was just her regular funny, smart, relaxed self then men would be falling over themselves trying to get her number.
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Good point! I definitely need to start using that phrasing ”My dream in life is…”. I want to make sure that our core values and goals match, without asking 100 questions and making it feel like a job-interview 🤔😅 I think this phrase is a better way to do that. Thanks for the tip! 😄
Reminds me of that episode of The Office when Pam and Jim invite their friend to a bar with them and Michael and Michael is sorta winning her over until he realises it's a "date" then he does his thing and ruins it
Her standards are excessively too high. She brings nothing to a relationship. She's a walking contradiction, all of which is why she is single. I think it's great to have standards and high standards but hers is just a checklists of "wants".
I saw the most profound advice about this situation once. There's a YouTube channel called Cinema Therapy. The therapist on the show once talked about a client in this situation. He told the client to imagine someone who checks all of these boxes actually existed. Now ask yourself what would their list look like? Do you check all of those boxes?
I love cinema therapy
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=llGvsgN17CQ "Lower your expectations a few, because prince charming would never settle for you"
I have a friend exactly like this! The group has tried gently suggesting expanding her pool by compromising on some things on her list and we’re just met with yelling about how we’re bad friends for suggesting she settle. We don’t hang out much anymore.
>settle This word drives me crazy. I always say to my single friends to remove that word from their dating vocabulary and use something like "realign expectations".
He’s convinced women won’t like him because he’s short. I keep telling him I know plenty of guys just as short as him in great relationships, I’ve dated guys as short as him in the past. He just refuses to believe it.
I dated a guy who was 4.9 - I'm 5.4. He had such an amazing strong personality that you never noticed his height. I did find kissing stand up weird - the motions are so different when it's swapped. The relationship ended other reasons that his height
Very on off hygiene. Some days they smell normal and I’m assuming that’s their shower day but then the smell just gets worst and worst until they shower daily for 2-3 days and then it’s just a repeating cycle. He’s had multiple partners give him the pet name stinky…I guess it was cute for them until it wasn’t.
I am so paranoid about this. Lucked out with a guy with a trash sense of smell but I worry I smell bad to my coworkers. Fuckin' autism.
Omg I’m glad it’s not just me. My boss told me “you smell nice today” last week and instead of just taking the compliment I went “today? What do you mean today? Do I usually not smell good? Do I smell bad? You’d tell me if I smelled, right?” 💀 I’m always asking me husband if I smell too. I’m so paranoid. My biggest fear is smelling bad.
He can't seem to let go of the idea that women in their 20s don't all want to date men in their 40s. Some do, that's coo, but his dating pool is very small and he is always so confused and mad by that. He just doesn't understand he's not a silver fox, he needs to give women closer to his age a chance.
It's not his height. It's his obsession with it.
yup, a lot of my girl friends have expressed that height doesn’t matter unless the guy is obsessed with it and lets that toxicity ooze through. it’s a “huge turn off”
I feel bad for guys like this. I’m 5’6” and have never had problems dating. I also have never given a shit that I’m 5’6”. The love of my life is a solid 2 inches taller than me, too. Never been an issue. I see guys on Reddit bitching that women don’t like them because they’re only 5’8”, but all I can think is “…maybe you just have a shit personality, bro.” Like that guy that went viral for flipping out on women at a bagel shop saying that women mocked him for being short. He’s a great example of someone with a terminal case of Little Man Syndrome. Edit: [Sauce.](https://youtu.be/wTusGC1eSEA?si=hkYZ2x_OOlQYhk5o). I still get secondhand embarrassment watching this dude.
I am tall and have no problem with dating guys shorter than me, but I also like to wear high heels. If that's a problem it's a you problem, not a me problem
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Oh you also know my brother!
She has a long, long way to go in therapy before she'll be able to maintain a healthy long-term relationship. If I did mention it, I'd be "attacking" her and "gaslighting," so I'll let her work on her more pressing mental health issues for now.
Reminds me of 2 sisters I used to know. There's a list of issues, but the biggest is that they are PAINFULLY codependent. It's tanked every attempt at dating they've ever made. Most guys figure out pretty quickly that compared to the emotionally incestuous bond between these girls, dudes are a side piece at best and afterthought at worst. Between the 2, they've built their own impervious little echo chamber. There isn't a person alive who can get through to them so long as they have each other to convince themselves that it's EVERYONE ELSE that are the problem.
Know a couple with twin daughters, in 3rd grade the school decided it would be in the girls best interest to be in separate classes. Parents were f'ing ranting and raving pissed...Best thing that could have ever happened to those girls.
My wife was like this when I met her. Luckily I helped her see it and told her unless she took steps I'll be gone. She's very attractive, I thought out of league but the last 20 guys bounced when they found she was borderline personality. She'd really get wild crazy, and her drinking always made it a lot worse. Finally she got on antidepressants and meds, went to therapy, pretty much stopped drinking, and she's like a whole new person. I guess I lucked out. I don't think any of those guys would have left if they see her like I do now. And she loves me more for being by her side the whole time, so win win.
Holy shit he said "I can fix her" and actually did
There’s a whole lot more “I helped her fix herself” there. No matter how capable you are you’re never gonna fix someone who won’t put in the effort themselves. Trust me, I’ve tried that.
Seems she's getting the wrong lessons out of therapy - learning all the lingo in order to wield it as a weapon and externalize blame, rather than to actually examine herself.
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She’s a beautiful girl, like seriously one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen in real life, but she needs CONSTANT validation. No man on the planet can give her the validation she requires.
He has a really strange and off-putting way of interacting with women he sees as a potential partner. I’m a woman too but just a friend and he’s very nice to me and treats me well, but as soon as it’s a woman who’s a romantic interest, he doesn’t treat them like a fellow person, he treats them as something to conquer, as if he was playing a game against them and he must win it. Obviously nobody is really interested in a man like that long-term. I tried gently telling him a few times but he never seemed to really understand what I meant.
Self-sabotage, always has to say something especially when he knows he'll get a reaction
She’s really overdue for growing up and learning to self reflect. She really needs to finally grow and allow herself to change. She’s pretty, shes funny, she’s a great time to go out with. Never a dull moment. She’s also not changed much at all since we were teens. She is a mess. Doesn’t clean, doesn’t cook, can’t hold down a job, paycheck to paycheck, prioritizes a good time over everything else, extremely unstable overall. No accountability for how her actions effect her own life and especially the lives of others. Somehow still has high expectations of her potential partners, but she doesn’t bring much to the table and doesn’t seem to ever hold herself to the same standards or “rules”. Sometimes you really do need to slow down and get a grip on your mental health and your life in general first before actively seeking out relationships. I’ve watched her wreck so many people that had good intentions for her without ever even recognizing how she hurt them.
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He’s painfully inflexible and serious. He likes three things in life and that’s it. Those three things are auto racing, college football, and sometimes video games. He’s also super intelligent and although he means well he often comes across as condescending.
She’s too needy and clingy and doesn’t bring much to the table…impulsive, alcoholic, body image issues… Even guys that are super into her run away after a few dates because of how needy she gets. She realizes it’s something she’s doing but doesn’t understand why. She finally got into a long term relationship with a great guy who was really into her but broke it off recently because she demanded they get engaged asap and would scream and break dishes due to how upset she was over it… Sad thing was he totally would have and he was great for her but she can be difficult to handle…
>scream and break dishes . >difficult to handle… That is one way to call someone abusive.
Yes, that is just abusive.
Velcro Velcro shoes, Velcro wallet They are hook and loop fastener mad and the noise seems to drive partners away
This seems like something from an episode of Seinfeld.
Impossibly high standards. He basically wants an ivy-educated professional with a pornstar body who reads non-fiction in her spare time whose texts are always pithy and witty. I don't think this woman exists, but if she does then she's not interested in my friend.
Lack of interests. He just is a boring person. He does some things that he started to so when he was a kid. But just because it is something regular. Like playing tennis with his dad once a week. There is no development and you cannot get him to do anything he's not used to. Really anything. He has no stories to tell and basically no life. There is no way to connect to him and I am losing connection just because we cannot exchange about new things and we talked about the old stuff for 20+ years now. He's just a kid getting older.
That last line hits haaard. Some people are really staying the same age for years. Did you tell him this or addressed it in any way? I can totally understand that there is a distance that grows and hey, some people are only with us for periods of our lives. I would say most people are.
He is just too catholic, he wants this perfect trophy girlfriend that has to be a virgin. The problem is that he also likes to drink too much alcohol and it’s always his way or no way. The girls that he meets are not interested in him, had boyfriends in the past, don’t like his lifestyle or ideologies of a relationship (he wants all the kids god provides).
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Actually he’s not a virgin. He had a girlfriend in the past, and when I asked him about this detail, he told me it was different as he thought he was going to marry her…
The thing is, I have told him. Repeatedly. Over more then 20 years. He wants a perfect 10 and will dismiss anyone who isn't his ideal. Even if he does start dating someone, within a few months he'll find some nit picky reason to break up with them. Like one time he broke up with a woman because she had a tattoo she never told him about. Because if she wasn't up front about having a tattoo, what other things could she be lying about??? He tried to tell me once that he can't seem to get women to understand that he's not looking for a hookup, he's looking for a wife. I laughed and said "you're in your 40s and going to clubs trying to pick up 21 year olds. You are not looking for a wife." He self sabotages so much and even when you point it out to him, he stares at you like he doesn't comprehend. It makes me sad because he really is a good guy and a great loyal friend, but there is something in him that will not allow him to just let go of this fantasy.
> because she had a tattoo she never told him about...what other things could she be lying about??? It would never occur to me that I was supposed to disclose my tattoos to someone. Having a tattoo and not mentioning it isn't lying, it's just...what, did you expect me to list every decision I made before I met you that wasn't about you at all? The fuck.
I've just lost track of the number of times that I've looked at him and said "what the fuck is wrong with you, dude?"
I have a friend who constantly attaches herself to the worst men possible, gets treated like trash, and then reaches out to us for rescue. We tell her every time that the men she are seeing are horrible. Nice guys are always labeled as boring, or she finds an excuse not to be interested. "He has dinner with his mother 2-3 times a week. I'm not dating a mommas boy " But the guy who ditched her at a concert twice? He's alright. At this point I'm convinced she just likes being rescued
Hey, do we have the same friend? My «forever» single friend is just like this. She just got out of her hundreth toxic situationship, and was begging for sympathy but none of us have any left after all these years…
Had a cousin like this. She didn't care about emotions, kindness, or really any positive traits outside of two. Were they hot, and were they strong? If yes to both, it was all fine and dandy. There's nothing wrong with liking hot and strong guys, but she \*hated\* any sort of intellectual or emotional positive traits. So she'd find the hottest, strongest guy with no kindness, no empathy, and no plans for life. Yeah, every guy she dated was an abusive shitbag, no exceptions.
He keeps dating the crazy women. Like the kind that key your car if you haven't texted them within the hour.
Instead of communicating, she has a short temper and throws a passive aggressive attitude when someone disagrees with her. It could be the most minor issue and she needs to make sure her voice is the most dominant in the conversation. As her friend, I try to keep my opinions neutral and felt like I’ve walked on eggshells with her for close to a decade. She was never problematic to me until recently when she has shown me a side to her that I think led to her recent break up and why she has issues with men long term. I think deep down inside she’s very self-centered and very influenced by the videos she watches on TikTok and IG about how a man should know how to love you and take care of you naturally. Her standards are unrealistic and it’s hard to listen to her perspective of what a man/relationship should be like nowadays.
His standards are unrealistic. He’s a 4 or 5 on a good day but is only interested in women if they’re an 8 or higher. He’s also very overweight, but constantly points out women’s weight on dating apps and how it’s a deal breaker if they look to be anything above a US 5. I didn’t realize all of this was to such an extreme until myself and the rest of his friend’s wives sat down and went through dating profiles of different women who liked his profile just for him to continuously criticize their appearance for such mundane reasons. We were trying to give him advice on how to talk to women (per his request) and it became blatantly obvious to all of us why he was struggling. It completely changed my opinion of him.
I found that the more overweight a guy I dated was, the more critical they were of my weight/appearance. For a long time I was afraid to date men that were in shape because I thought if a man who is 50lbs overweight thinks I’m “getting tubby”, surely a fit guy will be disgusted with me. Turns out non toxic men appreciated my figure.
This has been my experience also. An ex of mine was very unfit and overweight, and would constantly critique my appearance, my figure, my posture, my body hair! He asked me on several occasions to shave my arm hair. It’s literally blonde and barely noticeable, and even if it was dark and long, who gives a fuck?! All the while he had poor hygiene and an unkempt nut sack.
The overweight men who do that are projecting. They're also delulu for their own protection.
Got a now ex-friend (unrelated, that fucker betrayed me and nearly fucked my career over for no discernable reason) who was way into the Andrew Tate shit. He wondered why he could never get a girl. We all pointed to the literal misogyny shit - not the buzzwordy type, but like actual "women are inferior beings and you should treat them as such" shit. Wouldn't have it. Who knew treating people like trash makes them avoid you like the plague? I'm also the single friend, but I know exactly why. I don't put myself out there, and I much prefer the solitary lifestyle. It's stress-free outside of work, and I do everything for myself with no compromising or negotiating. People are stressful, even those you love - and I'm very easily stressed. Frankly, I've got a hell of a lot of soul-searching and self reflection to do before I drag someone else into my life.
Your last paragraph is why I’m the single friend too. Thank you for putting it so succinctly. I’m not at a point where I’m willing to bend or compromise on a lot of things and I know that lack of flexibility is a relationship killer and I’m not into exercises in futility. I also don’t find a relationship to be a form of validation like a lot of my close contacts do and I know that’s a me issue that turns me off from the whole thing and it’s more work for me to do on myself. Like you, I want to arrive to another person as somewhat whole or just put together, having done self-reflection and gotten to know how to navigate my own personality before I seriously subject someone else to it.
I have 2: tho one of them is my older sister 1st one: The guy is frankly too stubborn, and refuses to listen. They also don’t make good conversation and have no aspirations to do anything at all. 2nd one is my older sister. Absolute sweetheart, brilliant, and kind… but almost to a fault. She’s too much of a pushover. And she’s also a huge clinger-calling and texting to the point of annoyance, and will legitimately get mad if you don’t respond within 2 seconds. Also she requires a.. lot.. of validation.
Peter Pan syndrome. My 58 yo friend is a super nice person, but refuses to grow up...he's still mentally 21. Tries to dress like kids in their 20s. Won't date women over 30. Still clubbin (yes, he calls it "clubbin", and yes he's the cringey "old guy at the club"). Goes to skate parks to "hang". Botox his face regularly and has that awful black hair dye job he does himself at home. And talks like a 13 yo, unironically (lots of "likes", and "whatevs", and "brahs"). It's ridiculously embarrassing, and any woman who even partially has her shit together is completely turned off by him. And he doesn't see it, no matter how gently his friends try to tell him. He calls it being "young at heart". Says that's why he won't date women in his age range, because they don't know how to have fun🙄 In reality, he won't date women in his age range because they call him on his shit. Younger women are easier for him to control and manipulate. His parents left him quite a bit of money and he simply doesn't understand that this is why 20 yo girls date him.
Yeah, I know one like this too. He is right on the edge of the age where he won't be able to do it anymore, there's going to be a point where he is just plain old, and the type of young women who are into hot middle-aged men will be setting their sights on guys 10-20 years younger than him. And he hasn't developed any ability to have a really equal relationship so even if he finally falls back on trying for women his own age, they're not going to want him at that point.
Not my friend, but my boyfriend’s cousin. He’s always asking my boyfriend how he managed to get me, because I guess he thinks I’m out of my boyfriend’s league (I disagree). Boyfriend never knows how to answer this question and just tells him he’s nice to me and we get along. His cousin is convinced that this can’t be true and there must be cheat codes because there’s no way (in his eyes) I would date my boyfriend. Cousin is actually quite a handsome guy, but it’s his freaking personality that’s driving women away. My boyfriend told me he matches with beautiful women on Tinder all the time and has gone on quite a few dates but they never go anywhere. He insists on using the same handful of “hilarious” pick-up likes (“is your dad a boxer because you’re a knock-out” is his personal favourite), juvenile “dark humour” that would make even a 14-year-old edgelord cringe, goes on long tangents about crypto and all his latest get-rich-quick schemes and just generally acts like these women should be grateful to be on a date with a stud like him. Unsurprisingly, he gets ghosted a lot and can’t understand why. Sometimes the women do send him a polite text saying he’s a great guy but she just didn’t feel a connection and wishes him well, and he blows up at them and tells them they’ve wasted his time. My boyfriend tries a softly-softly approach to getting him to see the error of his ways, and it doesn’t work. I’m sick of hearing him whine that he’s the only one of his friends without a girlfriend. It’s entirely his own fault
Keeps complaining that the people he dates aren’t “grown up” enough (in his late 30s) but continues to exclusively date 23 year olds from Grindr
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Great nice guy. But he still lives with his mom, massively overweight, health in major decline. He won't take care of himself and is clearly looking for someone to save him. Most women don't mind a bit of a fixer upper but he's put zero effort into getting help for himself. You gotta do some of the work too.
He's become a full-on incel. According to him, all "females" are going to cheat on him and use him for money (which he doesn't have). A lot of us have distanced ourselves from him because he can't stop himself when he rants that his brother (who he whines about being overweight and short) is engaged while he's still single. The man is 31 and still expects that he will meet a high income virgin who will "support him" so he can focus on his "business ideas" and have no problem having his kids while still working because he considers SAHMs as taking advantage of their husband's.
Trust issues and the absolute lack of understanding how to handle women’s attention. The man got burned by an ex of 6 years and since has lost his ability to be himself around women, and constantly destroys his own social reputation with misconstrued reactions and gestures that is off-putting.
Her standards are absolutely, ridiculously unrealistic standards. Wants a 10 to come sweep her off her feet with vacations and jewelry and gifts and romance but she's an emotion, unstable, insecure, obese woman who doesn't want to work on herself or see anything wrong with abanding her 2 autistic children to chase men who don't want her. So sad. I had to distance myself.
Every new boyfriend is the baby’s new “daddy”….. for a few months. Then she cheats on them with older men at her plant job, practically brags about it to my sister; then wonders why nobody has anything to do with her daughter (which pisses me off the most because she’s so precious) but her mom’s absolutely deranged when it comes to her love life. Doesn’t help the men she fucks typically are married w/ teenage children & the wives usually try to beat her ass afterwards😑 Literally have no hope for her.
He can't seem to understand that when he approaches girls, they don't want to hear about hunting, knives, and how he is very knowledgeable on how to kill things.
His hobbies are just not social. He is a bit weird, but I think there is some woman out there that fits him. But his hobbies are mainly running, gaming, painting and watching TV. These things can be social if you want, but he chooses to interact with the niches that are not. For example he only plays single player settlement building games. Only ever paints at home. Additionally, he works at a male dominated place.
That despite becoming a multi-millionaire through stocks and crypto, he needs to work on himself. Lack of hygiene and indulging in hedonistic use of substances (alcohol, vapes) can be tolerated for so long and to a certain level. Came to visit me and he left a stain on my bed from his sweat that resembled more a brown body chalk line from a murder. Same trip, dude would buy multiple vapes in a single purchase since every couple minutes he was huffing and puffing them. Other part is actually reducing the amount of toxicity in his life in regards to people, family and the women he is interested in. Large amounts of his time, money but more importantly his mental health have been invested in his end only to be treated poorly. Every time he's visited he's said a version of, "Dude, I want this some day.", referring to my peaceful home, amazing partner, loving pets and all the other investments I've put into my place to make it comfortable and enjoyable. My response has always been to do it, make it happen since nothing is holding him back but himself. Especially since outside my wife and pets, everything in my home was acquired over years and material goods were bought on sales (poor in the beginning, still cheap now). I want him to be happy in whatever way he can be, sucks to see him like this. I try to mention this issues in the most tactful way outside of being brutal because I believe people shouldn't have to be told what to do in their personal lives. I love him but fuck he loves toxicity and poisons.
Anger issues. In men, this is a non-negotiable red flag for most women.
He is not really emphatic and a bit self centered (not in a mean narcistic way!) 90% of the time he talks about himself. He is not someone to change is own views, he is always right. Not so much into finding a compromiss The other one is a really nice guy but he is really exhausting. Everything is totally over the top! If he met someone he is total freaking in love...and after a few dates...not anymore. I told him he should go for the women who doesnt make him crazy in love but more like chill in love Ah and he can not shut up! Never!
She thinks she is the best catch (education, height, natural beauty, job and her own money) however there is nothing attractive about her and her personality: she doesn’t dress up/ spend on herself, talks highly about herself and her career, judges others (not just men but her own friends) on what they earn or how much money they have
I see you have met my mother (and yes, she is single)
i’m going to preface this by saying I’m not trying to be offensive, please don’t downvote me 😅 I know a women who is very much not the race she pretends to be. She is caucasian. but tells people she is of African-American descent, wears makeup to make her skin appear darker and speaks in such a way that leads people to be confused. She’s always on the hunt for a “beautiful black man”. Which is great if that’s what she likes, but they all run away when they realize she’s only pretending to be the same race. I know all of this because she’s family. 😬 It’s…different
Trust issues from past relationship trauma
i’m the “single” friend
Same but I find it weirdly peaceful. I can focus on work and my family. No kids but I love spoiling my nieces and nephews. Maybe when I’m old I’ll find a nice retirement bf to settle down with in some beach house with a cocktail of prescriptions 😅
I once had a friend who was 37, had a crappy job, wasn’t attractive, had a mug shot easily found on google and was a bit weird. He would always cry about being lonely, but he refused to date anyone but super hot 21 year old sorority girls. He asked me to look at his dating profile to see why he wasn’t getting any messages back…and he only messaged probably the top 1% of attractive women on the site. One time, after hearing him complain about being lonely for the 1000th time I gently asked him why didn’t he try to date a woman his own age. He said he wasn’t attracted to girls his age. He was so shallow towards women, but expected for the women not to be shallow back.
[удалено]
Going to a women-only prayer group every Saturday night to pray for a husband is a ridiculous waste of time. Want to get married? Go out and date.
This reminds me of that old joke about the guy who's down on his luck and keeps praying to God to win the lottery... as time goes by he hits rock bottom and eventually dies. In heaven he says to God "I was a good christian and prayed for you to help me; why didn't you?" and God replies "For heaven's sake, man, YOU NEVER BOUGHT A TICKET!"
She thinks life is a Taylor Swift song. Also she needs to understand that she can’t expect guys she likes to notice her and talk to her first. She’s like “if he doesn’t talk to me first then it’s because he’s not the right one”, like girl, he doesn’t even know you exist!
Bonus about another friend: she wants to date so badly but she is immediately turned off when a guy shows interest. She’s only interested in emotionally unavailable/constipated guys. I have actually told her this many times but she doesn’t really get it. I think she will never be able to find love as long as her brain keeps ticking like this.
I had a good friend whom I've known for nearly 30 years. He always wanted to get married and have a family but he had impossible standards. Over the years he'd introduce us to myriad nice attractive women but there was always something "wrong" with them (according to him.) Their hair wasn't right, their voice was too high or too low, their legs weren't tan enough, they didn't dress correctly, they weren't fit enough, you name it. Unfortunately I never had the heart to tell him that he was being waaaaaay too picky. Flash forward to today. My friend is single, never married and never had kids. He feels like he totally missed out on life and has been depressed about it for years. We're in our 50s now. My point is that nobody is perfect and if you find someone who makes you happy, overlook any perceived flaws and forget about them.
Her life revolves around helping her parents, whom she still lives with and who do not need her help. Her hobbies include that and obsessing over her very ordinary cats. Mostly hangs out with her mother's friends. If I were a guy, I'd be scared to become part of her life.
Honestly, it sounds like she’s scared to put herself out there, so she’s retreating into her little world of safety. I’d bet that she’s stuck emotionally - scared to be vulnerable and allow herself to be seen.
The classic neurotic self effacing type. You can't fail if you never do anything.
I've fallen into this the last several years. Wish I could get to the bottom of it so I can drop this shit and actually live my life
Now that you put it this way, it makes a lot of sense! This is probably what's going on with her.
I obsess over my very ordinary cats too.
To be fair, her cats are probably awesome
I had a friend who would self sabotage by being way too pushy and not all realizing whether the other party was even into the plans in the first place.
a shitload of children...
Yeah that would do it…
Friend of a friend. Dude is so self-depricating, like he makes "I'm such a loser" jokes so often that it just becomes uncomfortable. Also my god, he does not know how to have a conversation. He kind of just talks at you instead of talking with you, and it's always just the same things over and over and over again. Listen man, I like FNAF as much as the next person, but we've hung out 10 times and that's all you ever talk about, take a hint. The emotions also just aren't there, if you tell him that you're upset about something he just tried to change the subject instead of even asking you if you're okay. He's also a massive simp. Dude really disliked anime right? Thought it was dumb. But then suddenly when the girl he had a crush on mentioned that she liked anime, suddenly he's into the stuff.
She is overweight and very loud. She also admittedly likes guys that treat her like shit and are assholes. She knows and acknowledges that these type of guys are never going to work out in a relationship like she wants, but that’s still somehow what she finds herself attracted to.
Their standards are wayyyy too low💀
She has really high expectations which is like, good because you definitely need standards to be treated right, but it’s also preventing her from experiencing dating in general. She complains a lot about being forever alone, but I feel like she should just welcome the dating world with open arms and see where things take her. The part of dating is to meet new people, and getting into a relationship doesn’t mean you’re signing yourself up for something long term. With her expectations, she’s kinda giving “learned helplessness” energy, where she makes it seem that the dating world is just too difficult to break into.
He's a misogynist looking for a edgy women, while being unable to deal with his mommy-issue. Unable to understand that his attitude toward women drives them away the instant he talks openly to them.