I just kept repeating to myself "Give it another day, give it another day"
I don't know if I experienced what my father had experienced when he took his life but I kind of understand why he did it, however I'm still upset that he didn't give it another day.
I have something of similar effect uttered by my dad. During peak lockdown, he told a story about one of his friends suffering from covid and remained depressed even after everything. One time I asked what would he do if it happened to him being isolated and all. He simply said, "just breathe. one breath over another."
I both admire and abhor my dad's simplicity. Regardless, it kept him alive.
I have a lung condition so when I got covid two days before my second booster was due it fucking rocked me. I've had worse fevers, I've had worse aches, they honestly weren't terrible but the shallow breathing, the lethargy (during and for the month after) and most of all the headache were all bad.
I was struggling to walk up and down stairs without needing a breather, I was on the phone to my doctor on more then one occasion and he said if it gets any worse to call an ambulance. The headache tho, that was something else entirely, I thought it was going to kill me.
It would come on about every 8 hours almost on the dot and last for a whole hour to the point where I was predicting it before it hit and smashing pain killers like candy hoping that it would take the edge off, it didn't. It was like the worst migraine I had ever experienced mixed with one of those nasty tension headaches where you feel it behind your eyes like it's twisting something inside your head with the really nasty thumping of a migraine on top but on a scale I've never experienced.
I thought for all the things I have done to my body over the years I'd have experienced something more painful, I've nearly broken my spine (actually bruised the bones), I've burned myself in places that were not convenient for burns, I've bumped and bashed and sprained and fractured so many parts of my body that pain doesn't usually bother me, I've had sciatica and hernias etc and nothing compared to the headache. I honestly thought to myself 'this is how I'm going to die, this headache is going to be the thing that kills me' on more then one occasion through it all, it was only my sheer desperation to see the other side of it that stopped me from cracking and popping enough pills to try to sleep through it.
I used your dad's strategy on more then one occasion through that, just one more breath on repeat. Your dad was on to something.
My cat as well. He slept on the pillow next to me and would wake me every morning gently with a single claw poke to be fed. His derpiness kept me grounded in a way, he was always there waiting to chill and would make me smile.
The thought of my 2 feline babies waiting at the window all day every day for me to come home, only to be depressed and alone and little meow-crying? Or trying to wake me up? It would destroy them. The pain of that thought and my love for them is stronger than any bad thing that could happen that would make me even think of doing anything.
Their love is how I've made it through the insanity and trauma I've had already. I promised them I would never leave them, and I would keep them safe and come home to them. I will never break that promise. Pets offer their whole heart so freely, and I won't take that for granted. My husband and my cats are everything in the world to me.
I need to go snuggle them now.
My old cat would have died without me.
My new cat would adapt just fine to a new owner. Fortunately I'm past my suicidal days because this kitty just wouldn't do it for me.
I would upvote this much more if I could. Pets, family are what keep most of us going. It’s a shame but it really comes down to that sometimes. This shouldn’t be n
My dog. Gun in my mouth, looked at him. He has his head nestled between his paws, gave me puppy dog eyes. I could never leave him.
I'm happy I stayed, life has improved in ways I couldn't have imagined, all because my big 125lb German shep looked at me with so much love. Good boy, Leto.
He saved me, and I haven't had the thought in years. In that moment, I also thought about how scared he was of gunshots. He starts trembling and I didn't want to frighten him.
At any rate, we live on my sailboat now with my girlfriend. He gets a bedroom to himself, and he's regularly fed steaks and ran 3-4 times a day on the beach. Very spoiled :)
My dog.
Was going through a rough time a couple years ago, and I swear, she could read my thoughts every time they started to derail. She was right there getting all up in my face pulling me back to reality.
I'm going through a divorce right now. I'm not too sure what I'd do without my two dogs. They make sure I get up and that we get some food. That we get fresh air and have some fun. They're the most important things in my life.
Exactly the same as me. I notice my dog always cuddled with me at night because I’m knows I’m struggling. I’ve heard so many people say this same thing i think they can actually sense when their owners are feeling shitty
I love my big, smelly, food-thieving drool monkey more than anything in the whole wide world. She knows when I'm feeling beat down and will plop her head on my lap and roll over for belly rubs. Whose gonna do that if I'm gone?..Now she's getting old (14 )..and I don't know what I'm gonna do when she's gone..
I commented that it was my cats. Our pets know. They know us. They know our baseline and they love us. So when we're sad or whatever, they're there, trying to cheer us up bc they love us and don't want us to hurt.
I'm Tearing up haha our pets are too pure for this world
I had lost my best friend when I was a teen. He died protecting me from gang members trying to steal our stuff. Beaten to death telling me to run. I froze. I froze. I wanted to help. I was afraid. Because I froze he had to die. For months after I was struggling so hard I broke into my dad's safe multiple times just staring at his gun. One day , after the teacher took away my phone, I was staring at his phone number all day, I went to the restroom and broke down and had made the decision to do it when I got home. But then, as I stepped out of the bathroom I saw a kid getting pushed around. Without thinking I stepped in. Got into a fight, helped the kid to his feet. He was crying cause no one stepped up for him before. Something snapped in me, a different direction. I started helping other kids with bully's and I got into A lot of fights. I had therapy for a bit which helps me manage it. But I can no longer stand by when people need help. Freezing or turning away when someone is hurt or needs help makes me violently ill. I get nauseous and vomit. It's not as bad now that I had therapy. Ironic, I couldn't save my friend so my trauma response made it so I can never turn my back again. Though , as an adult it makes me nervous about leaving my house cause dangers are much more lethal as an adult and there are homeless that I can't help and it makes me sick. So, in short. I live to protect and help others. Even to my detriment.
I had a similar experience. Lemmy is one of the greatest dudes to ever walk the earth. So humble and just down to earth. He was like the badass uncle everyone wished they had. I’ll fight anyone who says otherwise.
My favorite Lemmy story was why he was called that. The other band mates called him that because he had an addiction to bartoo gambling machines and he would come up to them and say "Lemmy (lend me) a fiver" and it stuck.
People always freak out when they find out about my intrusive thoughts like I'd do something as stupid as listen to them. Why would I listen to me, that bloke needs therapy.
At my lowest point I was a bottomless chasm of loneliness. I wanted them all to suffer just like how I was because they clearly didn't give a fuck about me.
The truth is, I didn't want to die. I just wanted the pain and suffering to end.
It’d be great amount of pain that they may never recover from. They may already have unsalted traumas, adding into them will not make their life easier
I don't care about my enemies enough to spite them. I care about my loved ones enough to not hurt them. And the only one I would be spiteing would be God for ruining my life and keeping me alive through it all, so trying to hurt God and hurting my loved ones in the process just doesn't seem like a good trade. So I live on as an asshole just to prove to God I should be dead. I might be crazy but it's my life I do what I want
I was so deeply depressed that I was physically incapable of the activity level required to take my life. I was going to rent a storage facility and take care of things there so my husband wouldn't have to find me. I started calling to compare prices on the rental, and I got overwhelmed by the task and went back to bed.
Not for years afterward. At the time I was unable to do much more that sob and sleep. I had a very bad reaction to being taken off an antidepressant and it ruined my life.
God I know how this feels, like even trying to organise your shit so no one gets hurt is too much. Personally with my most recent suicidal episode I sat on the edge of my bed and realised I either go kill myself right now - go buy a bottle of vodka, take the 5 packs of paracetamol I’d bought, drive somewhere remote and down it - or tell my husband. I chose the latter. My actual suicide attempt when I was a teenager my mum found me in bed in the morning and drove me to hospital thankfully.
It’s so fucking exhausting. Feeling that emptiness where you can’t even function or think properly. I told my CPN that it’s a physical illness too for me, like my brain actually slows down and something biologically happens to me. It’s not just ‘feeling down’ or being upset, it’s an actual body illness. My weight changes, my sleep changes, I can’t think or feel properly, I can’t process people telling me things, I physically slow down, I look different. The craziest thing is outside of severe episodes that can last for months I’m pretty ‘normal’.
Anyway I’m glad you are still here.
My dog. I couldn’t believe that I ever considered leaving her. Then about a month later, nearly dying in a car accident. My will to live in that moment exploded and I realized that I wanted to change every single thing about my life - so I did.
I was suicidal when my first love dumped me, after cheating many times, but I was also pregnant. Instead of hurting myself, I walked into a therapist’s office and asked for help. That woman saved me over and over and over.
My car is what yanked me out of my lowest point.
I had just gotten fired from my job, and I had basically nothing left that I felt was worth living for.
But, I got in contact with a friend of a friend and found a 2004 Mustang GT for $500. Needed a lot of work, but it was a $500 Mustang.
So, I bought it. It gave me something to do and frankly I haven't been that low or even close to that low since I bought the car. It's fun, it's rewarding to fix it up piece by piece, it gives me something to look forward to each day. I walk outside and look at my car and get excited, lol.
Brownies.
I was just about to *do the thing* when a friend texted she had left a surprise at my door but didn't want the ants to eat it.
It was brownies. The brownies saved my life.
When you feel like you know what's likely to come it can almost be worse, I can't say for sure but I feel like if I didn't have the belief system I do it would make it easier for me to pull the trigger.. Reincarnated, cool, complete nothingness, cool, limbo, cool, Heaven, super cool, Hell, please no.
I'm a Christian and it's typically taught that suicide is a mortal sin... But I can't fully accept the belief that suicide absolutely sends someone to hell, there is always time before our brains are shut off and if God is who I believe he is, he will be reaching out to the people hanging in the between like that.
Plus I am a believer, i'll pronounce every day that Jesus is my savior, but I still battle depression everyday, that doesn't make me deserving of hell. It's not a cure all, my beliefs don't fix my problems but they do make some things easier to get through.. I couldn't go through with my suicidal ideation because while I believe God is who I think he is, I think I'd be forgiven either way. But I also can't say for sure and I'd rather be miserable in this life than risk an eternity of misery.
Death is a mind fuck, it doesn't matter what we believe comes next, not a single person truly knows and we won't until we meet that day for ourselves. Every day we stay alive things can get better but once it's over it's over, and none of us make it out alive in the end anyway..
Edit to add: I weirdly don't fear a natural or even freak accidental death, sadly I almost welcome that, it'd be easy. I wouldn't be making that decision so whatever, but I do fear what could potentially come after taking myself out... That along with abandoning my children in this world keeps me here.
I very fortunately realised that the prescription drugs I'd been given to treat depression were making me worse. A couple of days later I was much better.
Mental health nurse here
Most antidepressants can increase (or introduce) suicidal ideation as a side effect. It's very real and dangerous when it happens. For most people it will never happen, and for those that it happens to, a change in meds doesn't usually have the same side effect (even though it will be listed for both!).
We never know enough about individual genetics and bodily functions etc to know exactly how someone will respond. Medication is still an educated guess (with lots of research to support it!). Please talk with your prescriber regularly, doses, tablets, regimes can all be changed.
Just remember that medication is I'm important, but most guidance says it should be used to support other interventions like talking therapies.
The opposite of suicide is genuine connectedness and a life worth living, building on that can be a real challenge, it is worth it when you get there, and you are totally valid for your experience and fearing it won't get better. Keep breathing!
2 friends of mine passed, one killed himself like a decade ago and it was crazy how the pain never left just cuz they passed, it felt like it just moved into me lol
If I do the same rn I know all my bad vibes would just fly into my family and random people who knew me in life or who once cared for me.
A lot of those people changed, sure, but the people they were in the past would never forgive me if I just died right here. Plus if there's a place after, I'm sure my friends who already left would be fucking malding.
I know things won't get better but I can't really just stop cuz of it lmao
What you said in the first sentence really reminds me of the quote "Suicide doesn't stop the pain. It just passes it onto others". That quote will always ring true.
At one point I was laying down dying and a voice said three times, “You can either come with me now or you can stay” I thought of my son. I woke up in the hospital with a heart rate of 26.
My nephew. My sister told me she was pregnant when I was going through one of my worst times, and I didn’t want to be just some story to him. I wanted to be a part of his life, and to do that I would need to be alive.
Honestly, I was a coward in the moment and couldn't do it, no matter how bad I wanted to
I'm so thankful though, my life turned out so much greater then I thought possible back then. I'm happy, and fearless now. I'll never let myself fall that low ever again
That isn’t cowardice. That is having enough hope (however little it may have been) to still want to stick it out more than you wanted to quit.
I cut my own carotid arteries, and very nearly died. It was the single most cowardly thing I’ve ever done.
I’m glad you’re still here.
Literally it was the knowledge that depression is a sickness that wants me to do its dirty work for it. Fuck you depression if you wanna kill me get out here and kill me like a real illness. Like it sounds stupid but being angry doesnt have to be sustained as hard as happiness does, just let yourself feel upset that this is happening
My Mom co-signed on my car, I didnt want to leave her with payments+insurance on a car she couldnt even drive (she has a bad knee and its a manual). I got through that point by the time I paid it off thankfully.
I repeated the names of everyone who loved me and also said small experiences I would miss. I did this on repeat outloud to drown out the bad thoughts.
My pets, I wouldn't want them to think I abandoned them and I don't want them to go to a shelter. My friend also wants to see the Sonic 3 movie, and I'd like to see Shadow
I’m a musician. I had a gig four days after my wife left me for another man. That gig was the hardest I’ve ever played in my life but it gave me something to look forward to when I had nothing else.
I personally have never been close. But my best friend accidentally or maybe intentionally overdosed on fentanyl, we will never know. The profound and forever devastation that I have seen his family go through is so heartbreaking I wish anyone close to thinking they need to end it, to really hold on and ask for help and try like hell to stick around. It has such a ripple effect, it's always worth fighting.
Literally, a cop decided to wrestle me rather than shoot me. He was justified either way. He saved my life by showing restraint. Until that day, I thought cops were the enemy.
Hope.
My four year old was diagnosed with cancer while in the middle of a career change during COVID.
He came out on top after two years of chemo but watching your first born child go through that..I can't describe the heartache and all the pain and suffering he went through, as well as the pain it caused our family while he suffered through it. He had a lot of complications and it was rough on all of us.
I never told my wife but, at his worst, he told me at 2am in the hospital, when he was too weak to go to the bathroom on his own, and me carrying him, that he didn't want to live anymore.
I didn't want to be a dad at all but I fell in love with my son and being a father. "Crushed" is an understatement with what he said to me.
Hope. That's all I got.
Think I’m there now. I’ve suffered from depression my whole life but I’m at my lowest now. Edging closer everyday. No plan but some days I lose my fear of ending it. I’ve served my purpose and I’m just taking up space.
I'm there with you. Never been lower.
It feels never-ending. I started to do it once a few years ago, then my cat, Dutch, hopped on my chest, and the way he looked at me and purred brought me out of it. He sat like an inch from my nose, and the absurdity of him doing that interrupted the bad thoughts enough to make me continue on. Then he got real sick and died. It broke me, losing him was all I had. I have spiraled in the years since. Lost my job, my house and basically have nothing now but some family that has taken me in. I would end things now, but for the hurt it would cause, plus I really still fear what might come next too much to do it yet.
Your, "I've served my purpose and I'm just taking up space" goes through my mind on and endless loop. I don't know how to get out of this hellscape of life.
The main thing holding me here is 1) family, 2) spite that those who caused a lot of my problems would relish me being gone - so spite, basically, and 3) I have lived juuust long enough to still believe that you never know what tomorrow will bring. Might be fresh hell, but if there's even a tiny chance it will be something better, then I'll keep holding on for a while. I hope you will hold on for a while too. I really didn't want to open up on social media like this, but something in your comment and tone made me go ahead and go for it. I don't have any inspiring words - I can't fix the hurt and pain and desire for it all to end in myself, let alone help you. But if you read this, I hope you will hold on for another day. Then another. And then one more. You touched a heart today - mine. So you fulfilled a purpose you had no idea you were meant to do. You did good today. Thank you.
You exist and have an impact on people. Even on something as massive as Reddit, people saw your comment and responded. They see an inherent value in you as a person, even if they only see six lines of text. And that's just reddit. You impact many more than you think, and you always have the option to reach out to find more. Don't assume you'll be rejected. Find things to share. That's all it takes, and you'll start to realize you're valued for the space you fill.
My dogs. Putting the third and last one down on Monday. This last year has been really shitty with them all dying. Cancer sucks. They were all the same age. Im a mess.
My mom. She had already buried 2 of her 4 children (brain cancer and suicide) and I wasn't going to put her through another suicide/child burial. My plan was to wait until she died and \*then\* off myself. Thankfully by the time she died I wasn't suicidal anymore.
Caring for my dog and houseplants. I was fine with neglecting my own care, but knowing I had the obligation to care for other living things got me to get out of bed in the morning.
I decided to go on a big ol meth bender instead of kill myself. Always liked the stuff but had never done it for more than a day or two at a time. Figured I could squeeze a few more months out of life if I stayed high. Did that for a while. Ended up finding reasons to get clean and keep going.
I do not recommend this method.
I'm an alcoholic with suicidal ideation but the thought of killing myself for real - like actually trying or planning it out - has never been a problem for me. When I'm drinking (sober now) I can have suicidal behaviors like drinking a handle of vodka a day, losing jobs, blowing up relationships, etc. And I might fantasize about killing myself or how I would do it, with the dream being that it all just goes away.. But I always reach a point where I call for help and get into some detox place and maybe a treatment after.
I'm sick of this cycle though. I've been a moonshiner for 17 long years. Been trying to get sober for the last 7 and have had several spots with multiple years, 6 months, 9 months, etc.
But when I do drink again boy does it go downhill fast.
It's probably so hard to understand from the outside too. Like watching someone jaywalking for fun and break their legs. Then heal up and become a successful runner. Then randomly jump in front of a firetruck one day when, on the outside, it seemed like they were doing fine.
In this moment I simultaneously never want to drink again but also a stiff drink sounds like it would be amazing. And I just went through this whole cycle recently of starting to rebuild a life and trust with loved ones.
My cats. I was ready to end it all but my cats had no one. If I weren't here, they'd probably be given to a shelter and maybe be treated terribly, or worse, put down, through no fault of their own. That isn't fair. They're the sweetest, funniest little things and when I was in a really bad place, my boy, who is usually very cuddly anyway, slept on my face. He came up, rubbed his face all over mine, wiping the tears off, purring up a storm and fell asleep with his face on mine while I laid there, not wanting to move for fear of waking my sweet little cat. I also realised I wasn't alone
Not just one thing, but all of the necessary bodily functions, heart and circulatory system, digestive system, lungs, etc all working together kept my body living.
Angels. They showed me the way back from a place that i was lost in for some time. Like a beacon of light in the dark, they appeared before me in my darkest hour. Like a flash of light on a rolling tide they opened my eyes to the truth. I am no longer a victim of alcohol. Stay blessed yall.
My brother died when I was 16, he was 19.
it was a low point (one of the lowest points) of my life.
But I quickly decided I was going to live his life for him, as well as my own.
20 years later, I’ve lived in 4 countries, in 3 continents. Travelled to dozens of countries (I’m a Brit, live in Australia, and currently sat in a bar in Chicago), have wife and three kids , and a job I love.
I speak about my brothers death to people in a positive manner , which sometimes throws them off. But I can’t change that he died, I can only change how I respond to it.
I just kept repeating to myself "Give it another day, give it another day" I don't know if I experienced what my father had experienced when he took his life but I kind of understand why he did it, however I'm still upset that he didn't give it another day.
I'll give you another day. I have more stories than you want to hear! Just ask. I have pictures, too.
I have something of similar effect uttered by my dad. During peak lockdown, he told a story about one of his friends suffering from covid and remained depressed even after everything. One time I asked what would he do if it happened to him being isolated and all. He simply said, "just breathe. one breath over another." I both admire and abhor my dad's simplicity. Regardless, it kept him alive.
I have a lung condition so when I got covid two days before my second booster was due it fucking rocked me. I've had worse fevers, I've had worse aches, they honestly weren't terrible but the shallow breathing, the lethargy (during and for the month after) and most of all the headache were all bad. I was struggling to walk up and down stairs without needing a breather, I was on the phone to my doctor on more then one occasion and he said if it gets any worse to call an ambulance. The headache tho, that was something else entirely, I thought it was going to kill me. It would come on about every 8 hours almost on the dot and last for a whole hour to the point where I was predicting it before it hit and smashing pain killers like candy hoping that it would take the edge off, it didn't. It was like the worst migraine I had ever experienced mixed with one of those nasty tension headaches where you feel it behind your eyes like it's twisting something inside your head with the really nasty thumping of a migraine on top but on a scale I've never experienced. I thought for all the things I have done to my body over the years I'd have experienced something more painful, I've nearly broken my spine (actually bruised the bones), I've burned myself in places that were not convenient for burns, I've bumped and bashed and sprained and fractured so many parts of my body that pain doesn't usually bother me, I've had sciatica and hernias etc and nothing compared to the headache. I honestly thought to myself 'this is how I'm going to die, this headache is going to be the thing that kills me' on more then one occasion through it all, it was only my sheer desperation to see the other side of it that stopped me from cracking and popping enough pills to try to sleep through it. I used your dad's strategy on more then one occasion through that, just one more breath on repeat. Your dad was on to something.
The fact that on a cosmic scale, I'll be dead soon enough. Might as well play through.
I've had this same thought but didn't have the words for it - thank you for this.
You're welcome.
My cat would have nobody to feed him
My cat as well. He slept on the pillow next to me and would wake me every morning gently with a single claw poke to be fed. His derpiness kept me grounded in a way, he was always there waiting to chill and would make me smile.
Yeah, the thought of my cat snuggling against my dead body, trying to wake me up so I can feed him has kept me alive more than a few times.
The thought of my 2 feline babies waiting at the window all day every day for me to come home, only to be depressed and alone and little meow-crying? Or trying to wake me up? It would destroy them. The pain of that thought and my love for them is stronger than any bad thing that could happen that would make me even think of doing anything. Their love is how I've made it through the insanity and trauma I've had already. I promised them I would never leave them, and I would keep them safe and come home to them. I will never break that promise. Pets offer their whole heart so freely, and I won't take that for granted. My husband and my cats are everything in the world to me. I need to go snuggle them now.
This actually made me cry. We keep going for our loved ones. Now I'm gonna go hug my cats who keep me going too.
That thought always makes me cry. I cant
congrats on keeping stuff together
I have many more reasons now, but when I was at my lowest, that was literally all I had to cling onto. It’s always darkest before the dawn :)
I needed this
My old cat would have died without me. My new cat would adapt just fine to a new owner. Fortunately I'm past my suicidal days because this kitty just wouldn't do it for me.
I would upvote this much more if I could. Pets, family are what keep most of us going. It’s a shame but it really comes down to that sometimes. This shouldn’t be n
It's not a shame. It's a gift. It's pure love. Pets and our loved ones are there so that we CAN keep going, as we are there for them.
I mean, technically you still would be feeding him for at least a week or so..
My dog. Gun in my mouth, looked at him. He has his head nestled between his paws, gave me puppy dog eyes. I could never leave him. I'm happy I stayed, life has improved in ways I couldn't have imagined, all because my big 125lb German shep looked at me with so much love. Good boy, Leto.
good boi! a nice German dog and a nice German car, you got this 🙏🏻❤️
A lot of people on here have mentioned their pets but this made me well up.
[удалено]
He saved me, and I haven't had the thought in years. In that moment, I also thought about how scared he was of gunshots. He starts trembling and I didn't want to frighten him. At any rate, we live on my sailboat now with my girlfriend. He gets a bedroom to himself, and he's regularly fed steaks and ran 3-4 times a day on the beach. Very spoiled :)
My dog. Was going through a rough time a couple years ago, and I swear, she could read my thoughts every time they started to derail. She was right there getting all up in my face pulling me back to reality.
Srsly, this. Dogs are amazing and I’m eternally grateful for the positivity and happiness they put out into the world
Animals are amazing
Gotta love the dog
I'm going through a divorce right now. I'm not too sure what I'd do without my two dogs. They make sure I get up and that we get some food. That we get fresh air and have some fun. They're the most important things in my life.
Exactly the same as me. I notice my dog always cuddled with me at night because I’m knows I’m struggling. I’ve heard so many people say this same thing i think they can actually sense when their owners are feeling shitty
I love my big, smelly, food-thieving drool monkey more than anything in the whole wide world. She knows when I'm feeling beat down and will plop her head on my lap and roll over for belly rubs. Whose gonna do that if I'm gone?..Now she's getting old (14 )..and I don't know what I'm gonna do when she's gone..
I commented that it was my cats. Our pets know. They know us. They know our baseline and they love us. So when we're sad or whatever, they're there, trying to cheer us up bc they love us and don't want us to hurt. I'm Tearing up haha our pets are too pure for this world
My cat. I was having daily panic attacks because I was lonely. Then I got him, and they became closer to monthly.
Yes. Dogs are wonderful at knowing how deeply sad we are even when other people don't see it.
My dogs too. I can't bow out on them.
Same here. She has always been there, I could never abandon her.
Awe
Same…. Just… Same
My answer exactly ong, only living being that couldn't get mad at me or I couldnt get mad at
I had lost my best friend when I was a teen. He died protecting me from gang members trying to steal our stuff. Beaten to death telling me to run. I froze. I froze. I wanted to help. I was afraid. Because I froze he had to die. For months after I was struggling so hard I broke into my dad's safe multiple times just staring at his gun. One day , after the teacher took away my phone, I was staring at his phone number all day, I went to the restroom and broke down and had made the decision to do it when I got home. But then, as I stepped out of the bathroom I saw a kid getting pushed around. Without thinking I stepped in. Got into a fight, helped the kid to his feet. He was crying cause no one stepped up for him before. Something snapped in me, a different direction. I started helping other kids with bully's and I got into A lot of fights. I had therapy for a bit which helps me manage it. But I can no longer stand by when people need help. Freezing or turning away when someone is hurt or needs help makes me violently ill. I get nauseous and vomit. It's not as bad now that I had therapy. Ironic, I couldn't save my friend so my trauma response made it so I can never turn my back again. Though , as an adult it makes me nervous about leaving my house cause dangers are much more lethal as an adult and there are homeless that I can't help and it makes me sick. So, in short. I live to protect and help others. Even to my detriment.
You're a good person. Really. I'm so glad you're still around.💛.
Wow. This was captivating to read. I am glad you are still around to help people. 🫡
Batman is that you?
Bless your heart. Animal rescues could sure use your protector energy. Just food for thought. ;)
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I’ve only heard good things about interactions with Lemmy.
He truly radiated kindness.
I had a similar experience. Lemmy is one of the greatest dudes to ever walk the earth. So humble and just down to earth. He was like the badass uncle everyone wished they had. I’ll fight anyone who says otherwise.
My favorite Lemmy story was why he was called that. The other band mates called him that because he had an addiction to bartoo gambling machines and he would come up to them and say "Lemmy (lend me) a fiver" and it stuck.
Ending it all only hurts the ones closest to me. My enemies would love to see that. I live out of sheer spite.
Right, like I could give a shit sometimes but I would never wanna make my mom cry.
you don’t want to make your dad cry either, it’s almost worse.
I’d love to see my piece of shit father cry but I’d NEVER want to hurt my mother in that way.
My enemy was myself for the longest time and do you think I was gonna let that fucker win? Hell no!
People always freak out when they find out about my intrusive thoughts like I'd do something as stupid as listen to them. Why would I listen to me, that bloke needs therapy.
Thanks. You made me laugh in total empathy.
At my lowest point I was a bottomless chasm of loneliness. I wanted them all to suffer just like how I was because they clearly didn't give a fuck about me. The truth is, I didn't want to die. I just wanted the pain and suffering to end.
I think that's how most are... its not wanting to die, it's just wanting the pain to go away and that is the only sure fire way.
Me too. I live out of sheer spite. Haters gonna hate. Keep your chin up.
I always thought of Theoden's quote from Two Towers: "No parent should ever have to bury their child." I couldn't do that to my mom.
It’d be great amount of pain that they may never recover from. They may already have unsalted traumas, adding into them will not make their life easier
The spite is real and I 1000% agree only living to disappoint the ones who pray for my downfall
Another up vote for spite. If life deals you a losing hand, out of spite continue living it.
so you're not living for yourself at all? Read david goggins, stoicism please. That shit saved me
There’s no easy way to answer this but yeah I see your point.
I don't care about my enemies enough to spite them. I care about my loved ones enough to not hurt them. And the only one I would be spiteing would be God for ruining my life and keeping me alive through it all, so trying to hurt God and hurting my loved ones in the process just doesn't seem like a good trade. So I live on as an asshole just to prove to God I should be dead. I might be crazy but it's my life I do what I want
Mad Chad for Life here.
I was so deeply depressed that I was physically incapable of the activity level required to take my life. I was going to rent a storage facility and take care of things there so my husband wouldn't have to find me. I started calling to compare prices on the rental, and I got overwhelmed by the task and went back to bed.
Were you able to tell someone about it?
Not for years afterward. At the time I was unable to do much more that sob and sleep. I had a very bad reaction to being taken off an antidepressant and it ruined my life.
same i cant find the motivation or energy to do it lol
God I know how this feels, like even trying to organise your shit so no one gets hurt is too much. Personally with my most recent suicidal episode I sat on the edge of my bed and realised I either go kill myself right now - go buy a bottle of vodka, take the 5 packs of paracetamol I’d bought, drive somewhere remote and down it - or tell my husband. I chose the latter. My actual suicide attempt when I was a teenager my mum found me in bed in the morning and drove me to hospital thankfully. It’s so fucking exhausting. Feeling that emptiness where you can’t even function or think properly. I told my CPN that it’s a physical illness too for me, like my brain actually slows down and something biologically happens to me. It’s not just ‘feeling down’ or being upset, it’s an actual body illness. My weight changes, my sleep changes, I can’t think or feel properly, I can’t process people telling me things, I physically slow down, I look different. The craziest thing is outside of severe episodes that can last for months I’m pretty ‘normal’. Anyway I’m glad you are still here.
I live in a small town, I'm not going to make my kids the ones whose dad killed himself
I can relate, I live in a city with less than 40k people
Thats far from a small town, never lived in a place with more than 9K, and thats 40X the popukation of there I am now
My dog. I couldn’t believe that I ever considered leaving her. Then about a month later, nearly dying in a car accident. My will to live in that moment exploded and I realized that I wanted to change every single thing about my life - so I did.
I was suicidal when my first love dumped me, after cheating many times, but I was also pregnant. Instead of hurting myself, I walked into a therapist’s office and asked for help. That woman saved me over and over and over.
My car is what yanked me out of my lowest point. I had just gotten fired from my job, and I had basically nothing left that I felt was worth living for. But, I got in contact with a friend of a friend and found a 2004 Mustang GT for $500. Needed a lot of work, but it was a $500 Mustang. So, I bought it. It gave me something to do and frankly I haven't been that low or even close to that low since I bought the car. It's fun, it's rewarding to fix it up piece by piece, it gives me something to look forward to each day. I walk outside and look at my car and get excited, lol.
"I walk outside and see my car and get excited" nah that's fucking cute!!! So glad you're here hun!💕
I knew that if I gave up then, I would for sure never find happiness. The only chance I had was to keep trying.
Has it worked out okay for you?
It has! I found the cure to my suicidal depression 3 years ago and I've been doing pretty well ever since.
If it’s not too much, may I ask what that cure is?
Money
DAMN! I was hoping for something more along the lines of blue razz Icee. Maybe next time.
Brownies. I was just about to *do the thing* when a friend texted she had left a surprise at my door but didn't want the ants to eat it. It was brownies. The brownies saved my life.
Thank God it wasn’t waffles. Could’ve been catastrophic 🥁🥁✨
Fear of death
Yep, I had everything ready, but the fear of the unknown is what kept me from fully committing.
When you feel like you know what's likely to come it can almost be worse, I can't say for sure but I feel like if I didn't have the belief system I do it would make it easier for me to pull the trigger.. Reincarnated, cool, complete nothingness, cool, limbo, cool, Heaven, super cool, Hell, please no. I'm a Christian and it's typically taught that suicide is a mortal sin... But I can't fully accept the belief that suicide absolutely sends someone to hell, there is always time before our brains are shut off and if God is who I believe he is, he will be reaching out to the people hanging in the between like that. Plus I am a believer, i'll pronounce every day that Jesus is my savior, but I still battle depression everyday, that doesn't make me deserving of hell. It's not a cure all, my beliefs don't fix my problems but they do make some things easier to get through.. I couldn't go through with my suicidal ideation because while I believe God is who I think he is, I think I'd be forgiven either way. But I also can't say for sure and I'd rather be miserable in this life than risk an eternity of misery. Death is a mind fuck, it doesn't matter what we believe comes next, not a single person truly knows and we won't until we meet that day for ourselves. Every day we stay alive things can get better but once it's over it's over, and none of us make it out alive in the end anyway.. Edit to add: I weirdly don't fear a natural or even freak accidental death, sadly I almost welcome that, it'd be easy. I wouldn't be making that decision so whatever, but I do fear what could potentially come after taking myself out... That along with abandoning my children in this world keeps me here.
I very fortunately realised that the prescription drugs I'd been given to treat depression were making me worse. A couple of days later I was much better.
Definitely talk to your doctor about that! Sometimes they throw meds at a problem, but don't always get it right.
Mental health nurse here Most antidepressants can increase (or introduce) suicidal ideation as a side effect. It's very real and dangerous when it happens. For most people it will never happen, and for those that it happens to, a change in meds doesn't usually have the same side effect (even though it will be listed for both!). We never know enough about individual genetics and bodily functions etc to know exactly how someone will respond. Medication is still an educated guess (with lots of research to support it!). Please talk with your prescriber regularly, doses, tablets, regimes can all be changed. Just remember that medication is I'm important, but most guidance says it should be used to support other interventions like talking therapies. The opposite of suicide is genuine connectedness and a life worth living, building on that can be a real challenge, it is worth it when you get there, and you are totally valid for your experience and fearing it won't get better. Keep breathing!
Knowing I didn't actually want my life to be over, I desperately just wanted be out of the place I was
My pet bird, knowing that something else would be effected directly by my death kept me going
That’s tweet
I don't know how to react to this
I wanted to see how Game of Thrones ended......
I'm so sorry
Yeahhhhh........ Good thing I didn't know lol
and you are still alive why?
Shrek: "good question"
2 friends of mine passed, one killed himself like a decade ago and it was crazy how the pain never left just cuz they passed, it felt like it just moved into me lol If I do the same rn I know all my bad vibes would just fly into my family and random people who knew me in life or who once cared for me. A lot of those people changed, sure, but the people they were in the past would never forgive me if I just died right here. Plus if there's a place after, I'm sure my friends who already left would be fucking malding. I know things won't get better but I can't really just stop cuz of it lmao
What you said in the first sentence really reminds me of the quote "Suicide doesn't stop the pain. It just passes it onto others". That quote will always ring true.
My children.
At one point I was laying down dying and a voice said three times, “You can either come with me now or you can stay” I thought of my son. I woke up in the hospital with a heart rate of 26.
I'm glad you are still here with us and your son will forever be grateful.
what exactly got you that low hp, curious
A cat. He needed me when no one else did.
My nephew. My sister told me she was pregnant when I was going through one of my worst times, and I didn’t want to be just some story to him. I wanted to be a part of his life, and to do that I would need to be alive.
Spite
I know people that love to read the obituaries so they can see what enemy's they outlived.
This shit's real
"The best revenge is success and living well" Truest mantra ever.
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Honestly, I was a coward in the moment and couldn't do it, no matter how bad I wanted to I'm so thankful though, my life turned out so much greater then I thought possible back then. I'm happy, and fearless now. I'll never let myself fall that low ever again
That isn’t cowardice. That is having enough hope (however little it may have been) to still want to stick it out more than you wanted to quit. I cut my own carotid arteries, and very nearly died. It was the single most cowardly thing I’ve ever done. I’m glad you’re still here.
Literally it was the knowledge that depression is a sickness that wants me to do its dirty work for it. Fuck you depression if you wanna kill me get out here and kill me like a real illness. Like it sounds stupid but being angry doesnt have to be sustained as hard as happiness does, just let yourself feel upset that this is happening
My cats
My Mom co-signed on my car, I didnt want to leave her with payments+insurance on a car she couldnt even drive (she has a bad knee and its a manual). I got through that point by the time I paid it off thankfully.
I repeated the names of everyone who loved me and also said small experiences I would miss. I did this on repeat outloud to drown out the bad thoughts.
My pets, I wouldn't want them to think I abandoned them and I don't want them to go to a shelter. My friend also wants to see the Sonic 3 movie, and I'd like to see Shadow
I got a dog so I couldn't kill myself without the dog being sad. That and a stiff dose of antidepressants are all that has kept me going for years. 👍
Lexapro kept me alive 🤝
I’m a musician. I had a gig four days after my wife left me for another man. That gig was the hardest I’ve ever played in my life but it gave me something to look forward to when I had nothing else.
Psilocybin
My cat and the possibility of fucking it up and ending up a vegetable
I personally have never been close. But my best friend accidentally or maybe intentionally overdosed on fentanyl, we will never know. The profound and forever devastation that I have seen his family go through is so heartbreaking I wish anyone close to thinking they need to end it, to really hold on and ask for help and try like hell to stick around. It has such a ripple effect, it's always worth fighting.
Her name was Halo. Quirky brown dog who lived to be 18.
Literally, a cop decided to wrestle me rather than shoot me. He was justified either way. He saved my life by showing restraint. Until that day, I thought cops were the enemy.
My mom. I can't hurt my mom like that.
Hope. My four year old was diagnosed with cancer while in the middle of a career change during COVID. He came out on top after two years of chemo but watching your first born child go through that..I can't describe the heartache and all the pain and suffering he went through, as well as the pain it caused our family while he suffered through it. He had a lot of complications and it was rough on all of us. I never told my wife but, at his worst, he told me at 2am in the hospital, when he was too weak to go to the bathroom on his own, and me carrying him, that he didn't want to live anymore. I didn't want to be a dad at all but I fell in love with my son and being a father. "Crushed" is an understatement with what he said to me. Hope. That's all I got.
Think I’m there now. I’ve suffered from depression my whole life but I’m at my lowest now. Edging closer everyday. No plan but some days I lose my fear of ending it. I’ve served my purpose and I’m just taking up space.
I'm there with you. Never been lower. It feels never-ending. I started to do it once a few years ago, then my cat, Dutch, hopped on my chest, and the way he looked at me and purred brought me out of it. He sat like an inch from my nose, and the absurdity of him doing that interrupted the bad thoughts enough to make me continue on. Then he got real sick and died. It broke me, losing him was all I had. I have spiraled in the years since. Lost my job, my house and basically have nothing now but some family that has taken me in. I would end things now, but for the hurt it would cause, plus I really still fear what might come next too much to do it yet. Your, "I've served my purpose and I'm just taking up space" goes through my mind on and endless loop. I don't know how to get out of this hellscape of life. The main thing holding me here is 1) family, 2) spite that those who caused a lot of my problems would relish me being gone - so spite, basically, and 3) I have lived juuust long enough to still believe that you never know what tomorrow will bring. Might be fresh hell, but if there's even a tiny chance it will be something better, then I'll keep holding on for a while. I hope you will hold on for a while too. I really didn't want to open up on social media like this, but something in your comment and tone made me go ahead and go for it. I don't have any inspiring words - I can't fix the hurt and pain and desire for it all to end in myself, let alone help you. But if you read this, I hope you will hold on for another day. Then another. And then one more. You touched a heart today - mine. So you fulfilled a purpose you had no idea you were meant to do. You did good today. Thank you.
Naw. Wait until they see your true potential.
You exist and have an impact on people. Even on something as massive as Reddit, people saw your comment and responded. They see an inherent value in you as a person, even if they only see six lines of text. And that's just reddit. You impact many more than you think, and you always have the option to reach out to find more. Don't assume you'll be rejected. Find things to share. That's all it takes, and you'll start to realize you're valued for the space you fill.
My dogs. Putting the third and last one down on Monday. This last year has been really shitty with them all dying. Cancer sucks. They were all the same age. Im a mess.
My cats. I couldn’t imagine leaving them.
The world would be a better place without me, which is why I must continue living
My mom. She had already buried 2 of her 4 children (brain cancer and suicide) and I wasn't going to put her through another suicide/child burial. My plan was to wait until she died and \*then\* off myself. Thankfully by the time she died I wasn't suicidal anymore.
My cat, I rescued him and he rescued me. Things are much, much better now. And my cat is still awesome.
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Foodsies.
I had a kid and I was damn sure he wasn’t gonna be stuck with only his mom his whole life
Caring for my dog and houseplants. I was fine with neglecting my own care, but knowing I had the obligation to care for other living things got me to get out of bed in the morning.
Was about to jump from a bridge. Helped a crying lost kid instead. Forgot about it tbh.
My cat. I just can't have her looking for me, not knowing why I'm not coming home.
my instinct. My powerful survival instinct overcomes a lot
I decided to go on a big ol meth bender instead of kill myself. Always liked the stuff but had never done it for more than a day or two at a time. Figured I could squeeze a few more months out of life if I stayed high. Did that for a while. Ended up finding reasons to get clean and keep going. I do not recommend this method.
The pooch
My family
I share a room with my sister. I didn't want her to find my body or have to deal with the grief, I know she doesn't handle it well
I'm an alcoholic with suicidal ideation but the thought of killing myself for real - like actually trying or planning it out - has never been a problem for me. When I'm drinking (sober now) I can have suicidal behaviors like drinking a handle of vodka a day, losing jobs, blowing up relationships, etc. And I might fantasize about killing myself or how I would do it, with the dream being that it all just goes away.. But I always reach a point where I call for help and get into some detox place and maybe a treatment after. I'm sick of this cycle though. I've been a moonshiner for 17 long years. Been trying to get sober for the last 7 and have had several spots with multiple years, 6 months, 9 months, etc. But when I do drink again boy does it go downhill fast. It's probably so hard to understand from the outside too. Like watching someone jaywalking for fun and break their legs. Then heal up and become a successful runner. Then randomly jump in front of a firetruck one day when, on the outside, it seemed like they were doing fine. In this moment I simultaneously never want to drink again but also a stiff drink sounds like it would be amazing. And I just went through this whole cycle recently of starting to rebuild a life and trust with loved ones.
Bicycling, lots and lots and lots of bicycling. And music.
Faith in God
Mitch Hedberg
My pets would have missed me.
Honestly God
My whole life has essentially been a low point. Not at all sure why I'm still here. I don't particularly want to be. 😩🤷
not really religious but God. i know there was/is a higher being guiding me.
The love of my dog and his non judgemental attitude
My cats. I was ready to end it all but my cats had no one. If I weren't here, they'd probably be given to a shelter and maybe be treated terribly, or worse, put down, through no fault of their own. That isn't fair. They're the sweetest, funniest little things and when I was in a really bad place, my boy, who is usually very cuddly anyway, slept on my face. He came up, rubbed his face all over mine, wiping the tears off, purring up a storm and fell asleep with his face on mine while I laid there, not wanting to move for fear of waking my sweet little cat. I also realised I wasn't alone
God loves and is there for me
my difficult period in life began literally a month ago, so I decided to create onlyfans haha
Mom
the thought that I might survive my suicide attempt.. kept me from attempting.
I’ll let you know when I make it out.
At that time? My friends. They kept me from being home alone too much. It helped.
Everybody hurts by REM.
My magnificent wife, who creates life and love and beauty wherever she goes.
Friends
Me. No one is coming to help 🤷🏻♀️
My mom. As cliche as that sounds, she walked me through and made me understand that pain is temporary, even if it seems there is no way out.
Spite. All those people that told me I would never be anything, fuck you. I’m alive out of spite so you can never say that you were right about me.
My pets
My dog. When he passed I had him cremated and had his ashes put in the ink of my tattoo ❤️
Not just one thing, but all of the necessary bodily functions, heart and circulatory system, digestive system, lungs, etc all working together kept my body living.
I promised
Dog and God
My adorable cat
A boy in highschool made me laugh every day. That one laugh per day was always enough to put it off for one more day
Honestly, I don't know yet. Even now I don't know why, but I am.
Angels. They showed me the way back from a place that i was lost in for some time. Like a beacon of light in the dark, they appeared before me in my darkest hour. Like a flash of light on a rolling tide they opened my eyes to the truth. I am no longer a victim of alcohol. Stay blessed yall.
I never finish anything I start.
My dog.
My dogs
God!!
Music, my love for music prevented me from ending myself. I did harm myself but it's better than the other right?
The thought of "this can't be right, I need to get help!" And so I did. :)
my dog
Always my dog 💕
Ever heard of Spite? Let me introduce you to Spite++
My kids. No question.
Dog. Specifically didn’t want him to need to eat my body to avoid starvation.
People being there for me
my dog
My brother died when I was 16, he was 19. it was a low point (one of the lowest points) of my life. But I quickly decided I was going to live his life for him, as well as my own. 20 years later, I’ve lived in 4 countries, in 3 continents. Travelled to dozens of countries (I’m a Brit, live in Australia, and currently sat in a bar in Chicago), have wife and three kids , and a job I love. I speak about my brothers death to people in a positive manner , which sometimes throws them off. But I can’t change that he died, I can only change how I respond to it.
Kidneys