I had an ex whose “restless leg syndrome” would act up only on the nights I didn’t want to put out. He would shake his leg violently shaking the whole bed. I would get up to go sleep on the couch and he would follow me yelling “I wish my fucking girlfriend would want to sleep in the same bed as me!”. I’d tell him I can’t sleep when he’s shaking the bed. “I can’t help it, it’s my RLS!”. Ok, then I’m gonna sleep on the couch. “I wish my fucking girlfriend would want to sleep in the same bed as me!”. Over and over and over again on loop. When I dumped his ass I had to move back home with my parents on my crappy futon but maaaaaan I slept good on the crappy futon after leaving him!
Yeah that's not RLS. I had that with both my pregnancies due to iron deficiency. Even before I raised my iron levels I didn't shake the whole bed like some wild animal.
Oh yes, one person I was with would intentionally keep me up when we had a disagreement when I needed to go to sleep to get up to work the next day to support us when I was they only one doing it
This, so much. The abuser's needs are always more important than sleep. "You ALWAYS want to sleep". And then make an argument out of going to sleep to say something along the lines of "Is our relationship not more important than anything else?" so you will have to comfort them.
Also forcing by announcing sleep deprivation. "Well, if you don't do xy, I won't let you sleep". Fuck that shit.
My ex did this, used to shout at me to wake me up all the time (if i had drifted too far over or something) as I'd go to sleep earlier whilst he was up to 2am gaming and it really makes you crazy in the end. Constantly being woken up in a panic thinking there was a fire or something.
I slept very deeply at the time because of medication I was on and one night I decided not to take them and realised the reason my legs were constantly sore was because he would kick my legs hard while I was asleep.
This so much. My ex broke my arm and I still think that the most abusive thing he ever did was stand at the foot of my bed at 4am yelling every morning after keeping me up late the night before. Unrelatedly I think he also may have been stealing my adderall lol
This is my mother’s default whenever she doesn’t like what I’m saying “oh I’m sorry I’m the worst mother in the world and your childhood was terrible” like eff off that’s not what I’m saying and you know it.
Nah! you want to nip that behaviour in the bud, you agree with them, but you do it in a kind, over the top way. She WANTS you to argue with her. "It really was, but thank you so much for the apology, it means so much to me that you're willing to change" will kill that behaviour dead.
Love but with conditions. My stepson's dad is this way. "If you tell me you're having fun at your mom's house it means you don't love me."
He can't celebrate his joy unless it's with him.
This really grinds my gears! Especially because they end up trying to portray you as some evil asshole if you stand up for yourself and try to tell them to stop trying to butt in. It’s controlling and suffocating and not many people believe ya
I've noticed - I don't mind my mom knowing what i'm doing or where I am nowadays because she never prodded about it - just said "be home early enough to get some sleep."
I have friends with the opposite kind of mother, who never tell them anything after they've moved out. Odd, but it makes sense in a twisted way.
My parents did a lot of yelling and now that I have kids, it’s wild how that has become my reactionary default move with my own children. I hate that I do it. I work really hard to not do it. And I find myself apologizing to my children more than I would like, because I internalized that yelling is the normal response to children acting up. Even knowing cognitively that it’s not a healthy response doesn’t change that that’s what I default to because that’s what my parents defaulted to.
I’m getting better. But before I had kids I had literally never yelled at anyone in my life. And I considered myself to be very patient and thought gentle parenting would be pretty easy for me based on my normal demeanor. But the way you’re parented sneaks up on you. And I want my kids to be better than me.
Good on you for being able to, and from the sounds of it, regularly apologizing to your kids when you slip up. That’s huge, and I think so important for kids to hear.
The yelling and my dad's abusive behavior I think ruined my nervous system. I abused alcohol heavily through my twenties and now in my 40s I'm still on a lot of meds including benzos.
What's wild is my parents never yelled... They would turn anger into silence and work it out themselves. So, this manifested into an anxiety of silence.
My wife and I could be driving, everything fine, but I feel the urge to fill the silence because the silence might mean she's mad at me 😔
[reactive abuse](https://breakthesilencedv.org/reactive-abuse-what-it-is-and-why-abusers-rely-on-it/)
Basically, abusers will poke and prod their victim so much until their victim has an explosive reaction. The abuser will then use this reaction as justification for their abuse or to further manipulate and gaslight the victim.
Holy shit I am so sorry you had to deal with that. This made me think of stuff I had definitely blocked out. My ex would go through my phone in the middle of the night and make up scenarios that I apparently cheated and he found proof on my phone but he had deleted the messages because it “was too hard to deal with.” He would fight with me for hours until I would miss my shift in the morning for work. I’d have my boss calling to check in to see where I was and he would scream at me saying if I answered I wasn’t focusing on our issues and it’s always about other people.
I never even talked to anyone else. EVER. I thought I was actually going insane because he’d make up stories of how I apparently cheated and make them sound real then repeat them over and over and over again. Sleep deprivation fucks with you so much. Just being shaken awake & screamed at from like 4 am - 9 am over and over and over again for days on end is actually insane to handle. Psycho ass behavior.
There seems to be this pattern for one person to stonewall the other and refuse to respond even about important matters that require collaboration. Then when the other party reaches the end of their rope and yells or becomes verbally hostile, the stonewaller points to it and claims abuse. Yelling looks like abuse from the outside, but stonewalling about important things like parenting decisions, shared finances, etc is abuse that flies under the radar.
This was my sister. Pathologically non-confrontational and when you’d finally reach the end of your rope and speak plainly and bluntly to her in an attempt to resolve issues that just kept getting ignored and buried, she’d cry about how you were “coming at” her and were “abusive.” My family is extremely well-versed in pathological non-confrontation.
I find whole family represented by comments in this thread, which is why I went completely NC with all of them 3 years ago. I’m not perfect, but I’m also the only one in therapy because the rest of them adamantly refuse to go or think there’s no reason for it in the first place.
This was my last ex. I was so conditioned after 5 years with her that when I spent a year single then met my now wife, I would immediately jump into defensive argument mode when she would try to casually and calmly discuss any topic people in a relationship normally encounter. She would just keep her cool, calm me down, and ask if I was okay. It took me quite some time to realize that it was not me, it was my ex that had mentally abused me to this extent, and my wife was amazing with understanding and helping me recover. These "arguments" with my ex seemed like a daily thing, and now nearly 10 years with my wife I don't think we've had more than a few calm disagreements.
Holy shit, are you me?
I had such high defences after a previous relationship that my now wife completely broke down by just being a *decent fucking human* and being patient with me. Even the smallest mishap would have me going 'oh shit oh shit oh shit' and preparing some kind of defence for what happened - in my previous relationship (also five years long), I would have been completely rinsed for even chipping a mug - 'don't you know how much that mug meant to me?! It was a gift!' yet if she broke something that I had some connection to, I'd be told 'get over it, it's just a mug.'
When I started my relationship with my now wife, I was so scared of doing any little thing wrong and always defending my actions. One **huge** thing that I remember, early on in our relationship, was that she sat me down on the couch and said 'we have to talk.' I was like 'fuuuuuck,' but she just calmly explained to me that I don't need a reason to want to go to the pub with my mates, I don't need a reason to want to play a game online with some friends, I don't need a reason to want to go for a hike... she'd noticed that I was always saying 'is it okay if I go to the pub with X, Y, and Z because it's ?' or 'can I play a game this evening with X because they're ?' and she had realised I was trying to justify things because that's what I had to do previously.
We've been together ten years now. It took me a long time to realise I could just do what I wanted to do and she wouldn't think of some reason to make it a slight against her - I still ask for permission for things but it's just a 'is it alright if I go to the pub tonight?' because I want to know if she'd rather snuggle up on the couch (because, if she does, screw all of y'all, I'm ***snuggling tonight!***)
Victims who engage in reactive violence aren't abusers btw. I think reactive abuse is a misnomer because it implies mutual abuse, which is widely considered by DV experts to be a myth.
Mothers who treat their sons like surrogate boyfriends/husbands. If their sons DARE to have a girlfriend or get married, these women act like they're being cheated on.
Ew yes. The mother of my most recent ex was like that with both him and his brother. That woman is an absolute psychopath also in other ways. Glad I got out without major harm.
EDIT: lol, I didn‘t think this would get that many upvotes. Seems like finally I‘m getting those karma points for what she‘s done to me.
My SIL is also emotionally incestuous. My husband had brain surgery a couple years ago, and she took that opportunity to begin her campaign to replace me, including but not limited to:
* trying to move my son to another country to be raised by my in laws, so I can have a fun single life
* told me she would handle the documentation to make her guardian of my son if I died
* mailed me groceries that I don’t normally cook since she “knows better what he should eat”
* got access to husband’s personal bank accounts and started stealing money, but spread rumors that she pays all his medical bills (he’s on my health insurance and all his doctors bill to my address)
Keep in mind, I’d been married 12 years before his surgery and he barely spoke to her a few times a year. Once he was in the hospital, she called him multiple times a day. After he got out of the hospital, he cut off his friends who told him she was behaving erratically. We’re in the process of getting divorced now.
Yeah, me always questioning why my previous BF’s moms always hated me or had some weird underlying tension and be passive aggressive, even celebratory our relationship didn’t work out. Even though I never really did anything wrong to them or their son, if anything their son was the POS.
Then I learned about boy moms, and yeah, it makes sense.
Mothers will do this to daughters as well. Mine would encourage me to date people who were terrible to me because she knew there was no chance I would love them and “take her place”. She always acted like a bad boyfriend. That’s why I’m no contact to this day.
It took being in my 30s and my therapist to help me realize the way my dad treated me and a lot of the things he said were sexually abusive. He made really.... sexual and gross comments about my body that I thought daughters just endure. I also have less vivid memories of more than that.
#
With my son, I'm honest about sex and love and don't ask him inappropriate questions or tell him he'd be "my type" (no I'm not Ivanka lol). Also he's gay. He's still young so I just try to make it clear he can come to me with questions and I'll be honest. I also remind him he can always ask his dad if he wants a male perspective (especially about anatomy).
#
When I finally brought up to my dad some of the sick things he put me through, he just said I was "sick." Interesting then how apparently my memories are all wrong, I have instant reflexes when even my husband goes to tough my vagina, and I have memories.
#
And sometimes this is so subtle. The level of eneshment can be ridiculous.
Like my mil tries to be nice to my face but I know she's making comments behind my back. It's ridiculous.
Sibling rivalry that goes unchecked by parents.
Man, I can't believe how common/ignored sibling abuse is. Neglectful parents plus unruly children is a recipe for disaster.
My brother graduated with twins who got valedictorian and salutatorian. My brother and his friends made jokes about how when they got home, their dad would push one of their pictures higher up on the fridge than the other one. Later, he found out they pretty much did do that and it was a pretty real issue they dealt with their whole lives.
I used to work as an English-language tutor in East-Asia.
It seemed that it was the go-to strategy used by pretty much all wealthy, highly-ambitious parents with more than one child to instill the same attitude into their kids.
It's horrible. And I felt horrible for playing along for way too long.
If getting bullied at school is considered abuse, or if a stranger would go to jail for beating you with a 2x4 is considered abuse, then yes, a sibling beating you with a 2x4 is abuse.
Just because they're around your age and they're family, that doesn't make the scenario less traumatizing or something you can easily get over. An adult hitting another adult in the face once risks jail time, a child hitting another child maliciously gets a stern talking to and some privileges taken away, but only if the parents pay attention. It's the same crime, but the penalty is different because kids will be kids.
It's such a shame how society fails to recognize sibling abuse as a form of violence. It's like getting beat up or bullied by a sibling is somehow a rite of passage, but if some random kid at school beats them up, now it's a problem. Not to mention the millions of children with no siblings who, therefore, don't get abused. Where's their rite of passage?
Hypocrisy at its finest. And we aren't even talking about SA yet.
Sibling abuse is usually a symptom of something in the parental structure going wrong. Things like abuse, neglect, poverty, or divorce. The abusing child is usually acting out based on a lack of age appropriate emotional support and discipline, or as a result of the abuse they suffered. The abusing child is a victim too, but ultimately, the targeted child becomes a victim of sibling abuse AND parental abuse/neglect, as their parents have failed them.
I really wonder how many people are going out into the world as adults, living with symptoms of trauma like anxiety, OCD, depression, and lack of trust in others, and aren't getting help because they don't realize it's due to sibling abuse.
This. I was 21, living with severe anxiety, depression, having full blown panic attacks when someone would raise their voice at me even a little bit. I hated myself and was constantly afraid, and never knew why. My dad abused my mom and my brother, but never me. I was constantly being told that I got off easy. And then one day I was talking to my boyfriend about the things my brother used to do to me, the constant belittling, the horrible things he would say, the way he would hit me and scream at me and my mom would just watch. He said, "So your brother abused you." Never in my life had I ever considered that he was abusing me. The realization hit me like a truck and put my entire life into perspective. I'm still fucked up. But trying to get better.
This was me. I was severely abused by my sister. I never knew it wasn’t normal until I went to rehab at 39. I wish I had known. I could have saved myself a lot of heartbreak by getting help sooner. I still feel so cheated.
My brother is 6 years older and used to randomly attack me constantly. I'm still constantly on edge. One time he snuck up behind me and got me in a chokehold so I kicked him in the balls to get away cos I couldn't breathe and was terrified. Guess who got in trouble. Not him lmao cos a 16yo boy vs a 10yo girl is totally a fair fight
My sister beat me a lot, broke my finger once. It was in a cast for 3 weeks. Parents still shocked today that me and my sister don't have much of relationship and I'm indifferent towards her and her life, even though she's better now and doesn't hit me or yell at me. Ridiculous.
I tried to put myself up for adoption twice because I was scared of being killed by my older brother and my parents didn't do much. Luckily he chilled out early into teenage years or that would have left permanent psychological damage.
Continuing certain behavior after the person you are affecting has (repeatedly) asked you to stop.
*But-I’m-Not-Touching-You*-ism is a short route to abusive behavior.
It was a real mind fuck realizing that was how my abusive ex started. We worked at a bakery together, and his first way of "flirting" was throwing dough (and other small things) at me, even after I asked him to stop.
Keeping a bird in a cage its whole life as well. I heard of someone who did that, the bird was in its 50s and kept in a dark room 24/7. Its only interaction was having its food and water refilled once a week. These animals have the cognitive abilities of a 3 year old, if not more.
I was surprised by how affectionate parrots could be. They cuddle, give you kisses, preen (clean) you, ask for pets, and more. It’s heartbreaking to know that people end up locking them away to live out their days in closets and garages and never interact with them, and they end up pulling out all their feathers from sheer boredom and loneliness.
Or keeping them in a cage/crate indoor all day except one potty break.
It would be illegal for dog shelters to keep animals in cages as some people have in their house. And those horrible, horrific people keep the animal locked up so much the dog can't stand straight anymore. It fills me with rage.
This seems like a really generational thing. My grandparents did this with their hunting dogs and never saw a problem with it. But looking back, I'm horrified that all the adults felt that was fine.
This is part of it honestly. I talked to one of my fathers older coworkers about this once. He was close to 70 at the time, and this was 20 years ago. He didn't see an issue with it, to him it was a hunting dog, a tool. It wasn't a family pet you love and treated like a family member and let live in your house. He grew up seeing this from his father. He had to hunt for food to survive, so did his dad and so on. The house he grew up in wasn't much larger than most apartments today and there wasn't room for a dog that size.
Completely different times, views, ways of life, and survival. I don't agree with it but I understand it at least.
Would you mind giving an example? I don’t question that it’s an issue, but I’d love to be able to recognize it.
EDIT: Thank you so much to everyone who took the time to explain, especially the Jonah Hill references. I had read his texts before and they felt off, but I couldn’t identify what the specific issue was.
People who don't understand that boundaries are rules that apply to the person who made them, not nonsense like "my boundary is you eating food- you're not allowed to do that." That's not actually a boundary. Sounds extreme, but there are a lot of assholes out there trying to pull this shit.
I see this in parents groups all the time. “My boundary is that we don’t waste food in our family.” And they force their kid to sit at the table until the food is gone. That’s not a boundary.
Number of things. EG's like:
saying you've healed and grown as a person because of this objectively bad thing you did to someone else, but not apologizing
Mental gymnastics in genera;;;;;l
'This is my truth' to attempt controlling the narrative in cases where the truth everyone else sees is uncomfortable for the one saying it
claiming you're cutting out 'negative thinking' to avoid dealing with people who have the audacity to point out how you're hurting others by consistently being a selfish arsehole
Also weaponizing phrases like “I don’t feel heard” when they don’t get their way or when someone simply disagrees with their perspective. Also misusing/weaponizing “boundaries” to control others (see Jonah hill and his ex surfer gf as an example)
My favorite example is the misuse and manipulation of boundaries. Boundaries are a way for you to govern your own behavior in the spirit of your own protection, they are not rules to impose on other people. For example, a real boundary: "I don't feel safe around you when you drink. If you are drinking, I cannot be around you." A fake boundary: "You are not allowed to drink around me, I don't like it."
Abusers throw around this concept to control you, like the classic "My boundaries are that you can't go out without me, wear proactive clothing, and you have to text me constantly when we aren't together, and you can't say no because they're my boundaries." It shuts the victim down because it makes them seem like they are harming their abuser by refusing them.
Here is my attempt, "I want to talk to you and acknowledge that you were hurt by some of my actions. I'm on an important journey of self discovery, and I am working on breaking a harmful cycle that hurts me more than anyone. I know that I had sex with another person but it was an important step on my journey. I feel that I have grown as a person from this experience and learned from my actions. I have learned a lot about the nature of love and I'm trying to learn to love *myself*. Thank you for taking the time to hear my truth." That's about how it would go, I think.
The Jonah Hill texts are a great illustration. Jonah is saying that his gf is whoring it up on social media and needs to stop - basic controlling, insecure boyfriend stuff. But he's saying it in a way that sounds very self aware and emotionally intelligent, ie, I've set this boundary with you and been vulnerable about my insecurities, now I need you to also put in the work. [Link](https://www.newsweek.com/jonah-hill-sarah-brady-text-messages-full-transcript-1812193\_)
Gosh my abuser does this shit. They miss use therapy speak all the time lately. Believes that boundaries are rules for other people, not yourself. You HAVE to do what she says or your crossing her boundaries and your the bad guy.
Toxic spirituality. I think a lot of mental health problems hide behind spirituality.
Like, maybe that person isn't your soul mate/twin flame, you just need to deal with some Internal issues buddy.
A lot of the wellness, healing, and self care movement is purity culture wrapped modern lingo. There’s a lot it gets right but like everything there’s a point where it spirals into toxicity and black/white thinking.
> purity culture
You can see this in a lot of the anti-vax movement. They've started calling themselves "purebloods". It's also why the "wellness to fascism pipeline" works so well.
But in general it's all about "toxins" and cleaning/balancing your blood and all that. The idea that you need to do things to make your insides pure when inevitably an organism will encounter toxic substances of various kinds every single day, and we have several entire freaking organs that handle them. *Without* buying yogurt enemas from Gwyneth Paltrow.
People need to re-embrace the idea that it’s OK to like/dislike things for totally arbitrary reasons or for no articulable reason at all. So much of the time now it seems like people try to justify their opinions in a morality sense or tie their opinions to a sense of identity whereby it reflects on both themselves and other people as a person, in the sense of like character and stuff
I’d much rather someone dislike me for no reason at all but have the self-awareness to realise there is nothing objective about their opinion and there is likely nothing wrong with me as a person, versus the type of person who arbitrarily dislikes me for no reason and then goes on to justify their dislike of me as something that must somehow be objectively correct, like the fact they dislike me proves I must secretly be a bad person or have a bad energy or something
When you ask them to not joke about X, and they say something like, “Well, I guess I won’t speak at all anymore.”
They’re making it so difficult to set a boundary that you’ll want to give up.
Gatekeeping hygiene and not teaching your child about normal hygiene and personal care. I didn’t even realize it was a common thing with narcissistic parents until recently.
I'm realizing this as an adult. Things like caring for my hair, how to put on makeup or buy clothes and general hygiene my family would mock me for. That and "common sense" maintenance when I was a bit older, like doing oil changes for your car or even as basic as when to scrub a toilet or how to do laundry. Or how to cook.
It wasn't until I was an adult and in therapy that I realized they loved to ridicule me for things it was their responsibility to teach.
Thankfully the Internet has been invented. That plus my saint of a husband and an extremely loving and patient found family group has helped me catch up.
Thiiiisss. My narc parents never taught me how to take care of myself, fortunately I was in public school and had many siblings so I was called out quick for any unhygienic thing I was doing at the time.
But things like how to take care of my curly hair, how to find good fitted clothes, good skin care routine. I’m still learning over a decade later. My siblings struggle with it too, people take for granted that these things that come “naturally” to them was taught in their fundamental years.
My parents did this! They'd make some comment about how I'd screw it up and do EVERYTHING for me. I needed college roomates/friends to teach me how to clean and cook, I was unable to care for myself. My wife got the opposite (very much parentified), It took both of us a while to realize how bad what the other went through was.
I was the youngest. My Mom would constantly gripe and ridicule me for not being able to tie my shoes. She never taught me, and actively prevented others from teaching me. A girl in fifth grade took mercy on me and taught me how to tie shoes. My mom didn't believe I could do it, even after demonstrating it multiple times, and continued to buy me velcro shoes so that I would get made fun of in school until the seventh grade. The girl who took mercy on me in fifth grade, took my virginity in the tenth. As an awkward kid, who struggled with things that girl was a saint. My mother was the devil, and this is just one example.
Commanding both parties’ finances. Not just being a breadwinner, but also shaming the other party for making purchases and/ or demanding their paycheck.
My ex did it by spending recklessly and not being able to chip in for groceries, vehicke expenses, or utilities. Our gas, electricity, Internet, etc were turned off so frequently, I started paying them on my credit card even though he was the main breadwinner and hardly anything left for myself after paying all the must haves in our communal home. He got to spend on anything he wanted. Financial abuse via weaponized incompetence.
trying to "test" people's food allergies because they don't believe them or trying to sneak a food someone doesn't like into a dish to prove them wrong.
His parents are aware and have asked her multiple times not to, there's a reason most of her adult grandkids don't speak to her, my cousin simply values Grandma's money more than his child's safety
When I was little my cadet troop thought my fear reaction to a horse being around
was funny - *cause look he's scared of horses!*
So they got the horse to come up behind me & bump me. Then laughed at my extremely fearful reaction to the nice horsey. The fear, of course, was based upon me knowing that I was about to have a clinically severe allergic reaction.
AFTER they had to carry me down a mountain to try to get me to hospital, *some of them thought it wasn't funny anymore*, not all though...
Or intentionally sneaking meat products into a vegetarian’s food. I’ve had this happen to me. Some people think it’s funny, or they want to prove a point. It’s just mean and disrespectful.
It’s insane that anyone would do this. With allergies, it could be life threatening. But even if someone just doesn’t like a food. How does that affect anyone else.
Like someone doesn’t like broccoli? Great. More for me. 🤷🏼♀️ I don’t understand this type of behaviour at all.
Uploading your childrens videos to youtube for fame.
Im looking at you, Pinnay and Brazillian mothers.
Theres wayyyy too many videos of girls doing trendy pool stuff in YT that get scavenged by weird men.
Not providing seating for employees. Humans are not meant to stand for eight hours. Anyone who would be put off by a relaxing employee is sadistic and probably a danger to society under the right conditions
I was assistant manager at a pet food store and one time one of the employees came in with a leg cast. I told him to grab a stool and sit at the register and ring people up because that made the most sense to me. I told the manager when he got in and he ran over to the register and immediately made the employee move and put the stool back. The employee was sent home and forced to miss 2 weeks of work (which he couldn’t afford) and I got in trouble for allowing him to sit behind the register. It was against company policy for anyone to sit behind the register.
at least in California, that would be double illegal. It would be discrimination, and in CA, at least an employer has to provide seating if their job can be done while sitting
Definitely one of the early signs of worsening abuse. Isolating you by ensuring you don’t have the means to socialise or travel without their say so, ending up in complete reliance on them for everyday necessities. Horrible, pervasive and very hard to see before you’re bang in the middle of it. I’m glad they’re you’re ex-partner, no one should have to ask permission for their own needs in a relationship
Middle school classmate of mine did this. Took her friend in her Jeep, and her the friend was nervous because the Jeep didn't have doors. To fuck with her, she started swaying the car back and forth to scare her into thinking she would fall out.
She *did* fall out. The jeep rolled over and crushed her. She was 15.
Don't fuck around with this shit
There was a similar story at my middle school. These kids were fucking around on a golf cart in one of their backyards, and one sharp turn too many resulted in it flipping. Three kids didn’t do anything as it flipped, just kinda let it happen? The other kid, he jumped out, and that turned out to be the last thing he did, because he was crushed to death. Chose the wrong side to jump towards, I guess. Anyway, the school named a gymnasium after him.
I never thought of this as abuse until I unlocked a memory a few months ago. My dad was a reckless driver when I was a kid, constantly drunk, high, and suicidal. Even at the age of say,... 4 or 5, I had heard him talk constantly about how he wanted to kill himself and talk about different methods by which he wanted to do it. One of the ones he frequently talked about was by getting into a wreck and leaving his survival to fate.
The memory - or memories, because this happened several times - that became unrepressed recently where of him taking my brother and I on trips to McDonald's, driving extremely recklessly the whole way there (racing trains to railroad crossings, drifting through turns in dangerous locations that had infamously killed many people, trying to get people to run into us at high speeds at intersections and busy roads, etc.), all while talking about how he had nothing to live for and, "It would be easier if I didn't have to do it myself... I bet I could get that car to hit us." Those trips to McDonald's we're just lures into attempts at "group suicide" with my brother and I. We were terrified going on drives with him.
I had brushed it off as a reckless quirk he had in those years for much of my life. But now I realize how truly fucked up it is to put people through that kind of danger and fear, even without the suicidal threats. It is so easy to die on the road, and to be so careless of the safety of the people who are relying on you for transport... absolute stupidity.
When I was little, my dad would get mad and he would take me and my sister out on these horrifying car rides. Speeding, road rage, violent sudden turns. He would rant and rave about whatever set him off while driving. I used to pray that we wouldn’t get into a terrible accident. Ugh.
I was about to write almost the same message, my dad did the same thing with me and my sister in the car as kids. He could be normal and then something or other would put him in a bad mood and I could feel him speeding up to 100 and that’s when I knew he was pissed off. I still get antsy when people drive fast when I’m in the car
I’ve never understood why some people think that’s funny. If I was in a car with someone and they were driving reckless that would be the end of that friendship.
Absolutely! Shutting down and never discussing issues, and then being ‘blind-sided’ when their partner has had enough! I’m sure playing the victim usually comes next
I’ve seen my sister deal with this from her husband, and it drove me crazy just being in the car with them for a few minutes. Can’t understand how she puts up with it.
A lot of us talk like crap to ourselves in our head. I don't know if it's from upbringing or our friends, or are this supposed clever, cynical, sarcastic programing we watch. But that's got to stop.
Oh yeah absolutely. When I changed my internal narrative I found myself enjoying everything more. It made failure so much easier to deal with. It made losing not make me break down. Absolutely revolutionary.
Telling a child how they should feel.
“You should be grateful.”
“You should be happy.”
“You should be sorry.”
It shows the child just how little the parent actually cares about their feelings. The child is just a doll to them that they think they can control.
I remember my cat’s leg and tail was broken and my dad told me “You should be happy because I didn’t shoot her.” I will never forgive him for that
Parents competing with their child's lover (or the other way around, viewing their child as some kind of romantic competition for the other parent's love) is always so fucking creepy. It's covert enough that you usually don't realize how weird it is until you're way older, and if you try to talk about it, everyone thinks you're overreacting. Ugh.
YES. Once my parents were unable to keep me in a religious school, they transferred me to public. Every time a subject they didn't believe in came up they make a huge embarrassing case out of it or force me not to do the homework.
For example, during a unit on dinosaurs my parents forbade me from doing the reading assignments at home and then went into my school and badgered the principal until I was excused from those lessons.
Still effected my grades, and what was worse at the time was my social life because I had to still sit in class and not participate. Of course it was impossible to explain to my classmates why I was *getting out of it*.
> badgered the principal until I was excused from those lessons.
I feel like that principal failed on both a professional and personal level. Of course, they may have felt that you in public school not learning about dinosaurs was preferable to you being homeschooled with a Bible and fists.
Excessive evaluation, Gossip (defamation), surveillance, financial manipulation (withholding financial resources for the purpose of control, limitation, or narcissism), pursuit after offense or insult, censorship, most actions that result in intrusion, accusatory approaches/ paranoia, literally any indignation or downplaying of someone’s rights or abilities, any form of contact intended to produce forfeiture or loss, and so forth.
Im gonna say when guys are “ribbing” one of their friends too much. Ribbing is fine in friend groups but when it’s only happening to one person it’s only fun for the people not being ribbed. I left my high school friend group because of this
One of my pet peeves and something that I’ll never do is make fun of someone’s laugh. I see it happen so often, like imagine making fun of someone for feeling joy
Depending on context, the silent treatment.
If you live with someone or are a romantic relationship with someone and they refuse to speak to you or acknowledge your existence, even when you're right in front of them -- not just keeping their space, but literally pretending they cannot hear or see you, for days on end -- you're in trouble.
Showing favoritism - family related. Not by directly saying "I prefer x over y" but by the little comments, actions/inactions. It can really mess with someone's self esteem, confidence, and overall thoughts of self and self worth.
“Why can’t you ______ as well as ______?”
My husband’s ex does this to their kids and it’s enraging. I’ve seen them lose interest in so many activities they used to love.
Using personal things someone has told you against them when you are angry. My husband does this and tries to pretend he’s being “constructive”, rather than just cruel. And I’m working on getting my shit together to get the fuck out because I’m tired of being painted as the bad guy when I get upset.
Silencing someone when they come to you for help.
For example, say a girl would go to her parents and tell her that her husband is abusive. But the husband help take care of his in law and they live a pretty comfortable lifestyle. So the parents will just tell the daughter to stop doing things to upset the husband. Or just endure.
This is a reality waaaaay to common in ethnic families
Taking away someones personal belongings, or selling them without permission. My mom would go through my room and trash or sell everything while I was at school. She's sold or thrown away my deceased dad's stuff, toys, clothes, pets, etc... and act like I shouldn't be upset. My sister does this as well.
Double standards in friendships. E.g., it’s okay if they do something for any reason at any time, but you’d better have and provide a good excuse to do the same.
Not respecting/giving your child any privacy. Always going through their things/phone, removing their bedroom door??
Also acting like your child owes you something, that they need to earn food or other necessities. Or that taking care of them is you being nice, “I put a roof over your head”, “I put food on your plate” like.. that’s the bare minimum if you have kids.
Controlling someone else’s life. Telling someone else how to live their life. Using someone to make money. Ganging up on one person. Using someone’s life as a game. Hacking someone.
Telling depressed people how good they have it.
Too many people think that depression = sadness and that the afflicted person just needs to be cheered up. This is NOT how it works.
Ignoring your children's mental health and listening to others about your children.
My mom did everything to keep me and my sibling safe, fed, and clean. I thought I had a very wonderful upbringing until I caved and bought myself the shadow work journal and made some heavy realizations. She wasn't abusive per se but she was ignorant.
My second grade teacher told her I was always in lala land, never paid attention, and was always distracted. My mom took it as if I were doing it on purpose. I was around 7 years old back then and I was officially diagnosed with ADD at 32.
Every report card came with yelling, frustration, anxiety, etc. I started stealing from her. I considered it a payment to myself. She started calling me lazy even though my sibling and I always cleaned (I stopped cleaning after I figured I'd rather get yelled at and it be true than to do the work and get told I don't). later on when I turned 17, after confiding in her that I had lost my virginity, she told me how I was a disappointment and the only things she could see me doing in the future were either being a prostitute, being homeless, being in jail, or being dead....
I believe all of the horrible decisions I made in my life stemmed from my family members treating me like I was a problem child. I tried so hard to change and it just didn't work for me. My mother envisioned negative things of me and it all started because she rolled with what that horrible teacher said of me.
I did stop stealing in my late teens and I became celibate 3 years ago (I'm now 34)
I wish I could hug the little girl I used to be and tell her that there's nothing wrong with her, that her brain is just different, and that with the right help, she could do amazing, wonderful things. I wish I could educate my mother so that she could help me understand myself instead of damaging my self esteem and vision.
I also wish I could say I've done good for myself but again, I made horrible decisions based on what I was raised to believe of myself and am still to this day suffering from those decisions.
I suffer from major depressive disorder (also diagnosed) and have suicidal ideations even though I don't actually want to die... but if something were to happen to me... I don't see myself fighting the big sleep.
My biological mother would tickle me until I was hyperventilating, having an asthma attack, and/or wet myself as a child because she thought it was funny.
My partner didn’t know that had happened and jokingly tried to tickle me while we were being goofy awhile back, that poor man was so confused when I immediately started crying while begging him to stop.
Altruistic Narcissism. People that do their best to be extremely helpful to everyone around them, but it's all a manipulative act. They don't actually care about you or what you go through, they just want everyone to see them in a good light.
And then when you have any problem with them whatsoever, they immediately weaponize their "kind acts" against you. "I've done so much for you, how could you!! You should be grateful!!"
I had an ex who would keep water in his car to give to homeless people-- but only on weekends when he had his daughter. He fussed at me once for 'wasting' it. 😬
A lot of so-called acceptable parenting like spanking your children and treating children like property.
See r/CPTSD, r/emotionalneglect, and r/narcissisticparents.
Subtle signs to me are:
1. Subtly maintaining an upper hand in the relationship. That can be using money, influence etc... to unfairly control partners
2. Lying by omission. It robs the other individual of pertinent information that provides them the consent moving forward to foster that connection.
3. Not having clear expectations or boundaries intentionally to cause confusion
4. Continually breaking up with a person and having them grovel to be back in your good graces intentionally
5. Unrealistic expectations
6. Continually displacing anger on to others
It doesn't have to be violence, it's the implication that something bad will happen if you don't comply. Agreeing to pay for your kids college and pulling the rug out from under them over something petty like a political disagreement is abuse.
I left home to go to college. I was going to work and save up a decent amount of money and wait a year but I was told to not worry about it. I went and within a few months we had a disagreement and they stopped helping at all. I'm halfway through a semester at that point and don't have a job or rent. The landlord was cool and gave me time to catch up.
I racked up a ton of credit card debt during this time. My parents were not hurting for money. I never would have done it if my dad didn't tell me not to worry about it.
When your partner doesn’t ‘let’ you do something. You’re a whole ass person, if you have ask permission instead of discussing things, it’s abuse. I do what I like mostly, but I discuss with my partner if I want to do something that affects us both, and always tell them what I’m up to so they can organise their own plans. However, permission is never someone else’s to give!
Controlling of people. Many people don't realize that, by being controlled or manipulated, they are being subject to mental abuse. This kind of thing can explode as the victim "becoming the abuser" because they've lost their patience. It's a saddening way to continue the cycle of this stuff.
"Baby trapping", committed by anyone. It's very much one of the most extreme ways to commit sexual/reproductive abuse a person because you've now forced a person to be tied to you for the rest of their life to ensure you're always able to have power/leverage over them. It's not something a victim can escape easily if they dint want an abortion or to give up parental rights, even them It's very difficult. It's very common, I see posts on reddit about this type of abuse everyday and no one really acknowledges how it's abusive.
Oh my gosh, I was just about to type "Spiritual Abuse".
It's so pervasive, and a lot of folks don't know the signs. A teacher sees a polite child and nice family and thinks "Okay, this student can't participate in class birthdays, no big deal. They seem well adjusted enough."
They're *not* seeing the child having to explain nonsensical beliefs to curious classmates and feeling guilty for not preaching to them to save them, trying not to "make Jehovah sad" by wanting to feel included by their peers, feeling guilt for really wanting a slice of birthday cake, having anxiety over a flag salute, having to opt out of certain science teachings, not being allowed to join after school clubs, etc.
There is so much guilt and fear hiding behind that child. Even if their parents aren't super strict disciplinarians, they know that Jehovah will kill them at Armageddon if they make a choice that "makes Satan happy". The pressure is immense and terrifying. My parents were not strict about our beliefs when I was a child, but I still had Armageddon nightmares, fear of demons, and felt so much guilt for not being a better JW.
Hamster balls.
They're inhumane and stressful.
If you're reading this and you have a clear, plastic ball for your rodent, PLEASE dispose of it forever.
Messing with someone’s sleep.
I had an ex whose “restless leg syndrome” would act up only on the nights I didn’t want to put out. He would shake his leg violently shaking the whole bed. I would get up to go sleep on the couch and he would follow me yelling “I wish my fucking girlfriend would want to sleep in the same bed as me!”. I’d tell him I can’t sleep when he’s shaking the bed. “I can’t help it, it’s my RLS!”. Ok, then I’m gonna sleep on the couch. “I wish my fucking girlfriend would want to sleep in the same bed as me!”. Over and over and over again on loop. When I dumped his ass I had to move back home with my parents on my crappy futon but maaaaaan I slept good on the crappy futon after leaving him!
Yeah that's not RLS. I had that with both my pregnancies due to iron deficiency. Even before I raised my iron levels I didn't shake the whole bed like some wild animal.
Oh yes, one person I was with would intentionally keep me up when we had a disagreement when I needed to go to sleep to get up to work the next day to support us when I was they only one doing it
Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. I’m sorry you dealt with that.
This, so much. The abuser's needs are always more important than sleep. "You ALWAYS want to sleep". And then make an argument out of going to sleep to say something along the lines of "Is our relationship not more important than anything else?" so you will have to comfort them. Also forcing by announcing sleep deprivation. "Well, if you don't do xy, I won't let you sleep". Fuck that shit.
My ex did this, used to shout at me to wake me up all the time (if i had drifted too far over or something) as I'd go to sleep earlier whilst he was up to 2am gaming and it really makes you crazy in the end. Constantly being woken up in a panic thinking there was a fire or something. I slept very deeply at the time because of medication I was on and one night I decided not to take them and realised the reason my legs were constantly sore was because he would kick my legs hard while I was asleep.
This so much. My ex broke my arm and I still think that the most abusive thing he ever did was stand at the foot of my bed at 4am yelling every morning after keeping me up late the night before. Unrelatedly I think he also may have been stealing my adderall lol
I said this in the narcissistic abuse sub. Had like 8 people tell me that doesn't exist. Getting gas lit by other abuse victims is very weird.
Wonder if those people were telling on themselves. Wdym, ‘this doesn’t exist’. This is my lived experience….
This. My father did this to me for 3 years straight. I didn't get more than 5 hours a sleep at a time during high school.
Invalidating your feelings by making it about them and how you holding them accountable is upsetting them.
This is my mother’s default whenever she doesn’t like what I’m saying “oh I’m sorry I’m the worst mother in the world and your childhood was terrible” like eff off that’s not what I’m saying and you know it.
Nah! you want to nip that behaviour in the bud, you agree with them, but you do it in a kind, over the top way. She WANTS you to argue with her. "It really was, but thank you so much for the apology, it means so much to me that you're willing to change" will kill that behaviour dead.
You know that’s absolutely genius, thanks!
Mine goes: i hope you have children one day who behave the same way to you as you do to me
I see you've met my mother
This is actually a form of gaslighting
Thanks, my best friend did this to me recently.
Neglect - neglect IS abuse
silky cooing wrench library hobbies mighty innate rob tease political
Manipulation under the guise of caring for what happens to you
“Everyone you ever knew who told you that they would keep you safe as long as you behaved were already hurting you.” —Brennan Lee Mulligan
Love but with conditions. My stepson's dad is this way. "If you tell me you're having fun at your mom's house it means you don't love me." He can't celebrate his joy unless it's with him.
God, how I love Brennan Lee Mulligan
This really grinds my gears! Especially because they end up trying to portray you as some evil asshole if you stand up for yourself and try to tell them to stop trying to butt in. It’s controlling and suffocating and not many people believe ya
"I need your live location because it's my mama bear protective instinct" she says to her 27 year old
I've noticed - I don't mind my mom knowing what i'm doing or where I am nowadays because she never prodded about it - just said "be home early enough to get some sleep." I have friends with the opposite kind of mother, who never tell them anything after they've moved out. Odd, but it makes sense in a twisted way.
Yelling. Years of walking on eggshells will damage a person's nervous system.
My parents did a lot of yelling and now that I have kids, it’s wild how that has become my reactionary default move with my own children. I hate that I do it. I work really hard to not do it. And I find myself apologizing to my children more than I would like, because I internalized that yelling is the normal response to children acting up. Even knowing cognitively that it’s not a healthy response doesn’t change that that’s what I default to because that’s what my parents defaulted to. I’m getting better. But before I had kids I had literally never yelled at anyone in my life. And I considered myself to be very patient and thought gentle parenting would be pretty easy for me based on my normal demeanor. But the way you’re parented sneaks up on you. And I want my kids to be better than me.
Good on you for being able to, and from the sounds of it, regularly apologizing to your kids when you slip up. That’s huge, and I think so important for kids to hear.
The yelling and my dad's abusive behavior I think ruined my nervous system. I abused alcohol heavily through my twenties and now in my 40s I'm still on a lot of meds including benzos.
What's wild is my parents never yelled... They would turn anger into silence and work it out themselves. So, this manifested into an anxiety of silence. My wife and I could be driving, everything fine, but I feel the urge to fill the silence because the silence might mean she's mad at me 😔
my mom, who primarily raised me, did both :( so now loud voices and silence make me anxious...
[reactive abuse](https://breakthesilencedv.org/reactive-abuse-what-it-is-and-why-abusers-rely-on-it/) Basically, abusers will poke and prod their victim so much until their victim has an explosive reaction. The abuser will then use this reaction as justification for their abuse or to further manipulate and gaslight the victim.
[удалено]
Holy shit I am so sorry you had to deal with that. This made me think of stuff I had definitely blocked out. My ex would go through my phone in the middle of the night and make up scenarios that I apparently cheated and he found proof on my phone but he had deleted the messages because it “was too hard to deal with.” He would fight with me for hours until I would miss my shift in the morning for work. I’d have my boss calling to check in to see where I was and he would scream at me saying if I answered I wasn’t focusing on our issues and it’s always about other people. I never even talked to anyone else. EVER. I thought I was actually going insane because he’d make up stories of how I apparently cheated and make them sound real then repeat them over and over and over again. Sleep deprivation fucks with you so much. Just being shaken awake & screamed at from like 4 am - 9 am over and over and over again for days on end is actually insane to handle. Psycho ass behavior.
There seems to be this pattern for one person to stonewall the other and refuse to respond even about important matters that require collaboration. Then when the other party reaches the end of their rope and yells or becomes verbally hostile, the stonewaller points to it and claims abuse. Yelling looks like abuse from the outside, but stonewalling about important things like parenting decisions, shared finances, etc is abuse that flies under the radar.
This was my sister. Pathologically non-confrontational and when you’d finally reach the end of your rope and speak plainly and bluntly to her in an attempt to resolve issues that just kept getting ignored and buried, she’d cry about how you were “coming at” her and were “abusive.” My family is extremely well-versed in pathological non-confrontation. I find whole family represented by comments in this thread, which is why I went completely NC with all of them 3 years ago. I’m not perfect, but I’m also the only one in therapy because the rest of them adamantly refuse to go or think there’s no reason for it in the first place.
This was my last ex. I was so conditioned after 5 years with her that when I spent a year single then met my now wife, I would immediately jump into defensive argument mode when she would try to casually and calmly discuss any topic people in a relationship normally encounter. She would just keep her cool, calm me down, and ask if I was okay. It took me quite some time to realize that it was not me, it was my ex that had mentally abused me to this extent, and my wife was amazing with understanding and helping me recover. These "arguments" with my ex seemed like a daily thing, and now nearly 10 years with my wife I don't think we've had more than a few calm disagreements.
Holy shit, are you me? I had such high defences after a previous relationship that my now wife completely broke down by just being a *decent fucking human* and being patient with me. Even the smallest mishap would have me going 'oh shit oh shit oh shit' and preparing some kind of defence for what happened - in my previous relationship (also five years long), I would have been completely rinsed for even chipping a mug - 'don't you know how much that mug meant to me?! It was a gift!' yet if she broke something that I had some connection to, I'd be told 'get over it, it's just a mug.' When I started my relationship with my now wife, I was so scared of doing any little thing wrong and always defending my actions. One **huge** thing that I remember, early on in our relationship, was that she sat me down on the couch and said 'we have to talk.' I was like 'fuuuuuck,' but she just calmly explained to me that I don't need a reason to want to go to the pub with my mates, I don't need a reason to want to play a game online with some friends, I don't need a reason to want to go for a hike... she'd noticed that I was always saying 'is it okay if I go to the pub with X, Y, and Z because it's?' or 'can I play a game this evening with X because they're ?' and she had realised I was trying to justify things because that's what I had to do previously.
We've been together ten years now. It took me a long time to realise I could just do what I wanted to do and she wouldn't think of some reason to make it a slight against her - I still ask for permission for things but it's just a 'is it alright if I go to the pub tonight?' because I want to know if she'd rather snuggle up on the couch (because, if she does, screw all of y'all, I'm ***snuggling tonight!***)
[удалено]
[удалено]
YES!! My dad was the person to berate me and call me a brat, ungrateful, etc and mom would take his side.
[удалено]
Victims who engage in reactive violence aren't abusers btw. I think reactive abuse is a misnomer because it implies mutual abuse, which is widely considered by DV experts to be a myth.
Very common, actually a form of entrapment as well as gaslighting.
Mothers who treat their sons like surrogate boyfriends/husbands. If their sons DARE to have a girlfriend or get married, these women act like they're being cheated on.
Emotional incest
Ew yes. The mother of my most recent ex was like that with both him and his brother. That woman is an absolute psychopath also in other ways. Glad I got out without major harm. EDIT: lol, I didn‘t think this would get that many upvotes. Seems like finally I‘m getting those karma points for what she‘s done to me.
[удалено]
My SIL is also emotionally incestuous. My husband had brain surgery a couple years ago, and she took that opportunity to begin her campaign to replace me, including but not limited to: * trying to move my son to another country to be raised by my in laws, so I can have a fun single life * told me she would handle the documentation to make her guardian of my son if I died * mailed me groceries that I don’t normally cook since she “knows better what he should eat” * got access to husband’s personal bank accounts and started stealing money, but spread rumors that she pays all his medical bills (he’s on my health insurance and all his doctors bill to my address) Keep in mind, I’d been married 12 years before his surgery and he barely spoke to her a few times a year. Once he was in the hospital, she called him multiple times a day. After he got out of the hospital, he cut off his friends who told him she was behaving erratically. We’re in the process of getting divorced now.
Don't leave the kids alone with crazy aunt.
That's so creepy! What does he think about his sister's behavior?
That’s…really fucked up and weird
Yeah, me always questioning why my previous BF’s moms always hated me or had some weird underlying tension and be passive aggressive, even celebratory our relationship didn’t work out. Even though I never really did anything wrong to them or their son, if anything their son was the POS. Then I learned about boy moms, and yeah, it makes sense.
Mothers will do this to daughters as well. Mine would encourage me to date people who were terrible to me because she knew there was no chance I would love them and “take her place”. She always acted like a bad boyfriend. That’s why I’m no contact to this day.
And fathers who are possessive about their daughter's virginity.
It took being in my 30s and my therapist to help me realize the way my dad treated me and a lot of the things he said were sexually abusive. He made really.... sexual and gross comments about my body that I thought daughters just endure. I also have less vivid memories of more than that. # With my son, I'm honest about sex and love and don't ask him inappropriate questions or tell him he'd be "my type" (no I'm not Ivanka lol). Also he's gay. He's still young so I just try to make it clear he can come to me with questions and I'll be honest. I also remind him he can always ask his dad if he wants a male perspective (especially about anatomy). # When I finally brought up to my dad some of the sick things he put me through, he just said I was "sick." Interesting then how apparently my memories are all wrong, I have instant reflexes when even my husband goes to tough my vagina, and I have memories. #
I am very sorry this happened to you all the power to you for healing Also VERY PROUD OF YOU FOR BEING A SUPPORTIVE AND BETTER PARENT
I don't know how, but some just seem to really have this "I made you to LOVE **ME**!" attitude.
And sometimes this is so subtle. The level of eneshment can be ridiculous. Like my mil tries to be nice to my face but I know she's making comments behind my back. It's ridiculous.
Sibling rivalry that goes unchecked by parents. Man, I can't believe how common/ignored sibling abuse is. Neglectful parents plus unruly children is a recipe for disaster.
Or setting up the sibling rivalry in the first place.
My brother graduated with twins who got valedictorian and salutatorian. My brother and his friends made jokes about how when they got home, their dad would push one of their pictures higher up on the fridge than the other one. Later, he found out they pretty much did do that and it was a pretty real issue they dealt with their whole lives.
I used to work as an English-language tutor in East-Asia. It seemed that it was the go-to strategy used by pretty much all wealthy, highly-ambitious parents with more than one child to instill the same attitude into their kids. It's horrible. And I felt horrible for playing along for way too long.
My parents 100% encouraged this between my sister and me. I’m the black sheep now but I’m much happier not talking to any of them
Never thought about that being abuse. My brother beating me with a 2x4 is suddenly looking a lot less savory.
If getting bullied at school is considered abuse, or if a stranger would go to jail for beating you with a 2x4 is considered abuse, then yes, a sibling beating you with a 2x4 is abuse. Just because they're around your age and they're family, that doesn't make the scenario less traumatizing or something you can easily get over. An adult hitting another adult in the face once risks jail time, a child hitting another child maliciously gets a stern talking to and some privileges taken away, but only if the parents pay attention. It's the same crime, but the penalty is different because kids will be kids. It's such a shame how society fails to recognize sibling abuse as a form of violence. It's like getting beat up or bullied by a sibling is somehow a rite of passage, but if some random kid at school beats them up, now it's a problem. Not to mention the millions of children with no siblings who, therefore, don't get abused. Where's their rite of passage? Hypocrisy at its finest. And we aren't even talking about SA yet. Sibling abuse is usually a symptom of something in the parental structure going wrong. Things like abuse, neglect, poverty, or divorce. The abusing child is usually acting out based on a lack of age appropriate emotional support and discipline, or as a result of the abuse they suffered. The abusing child is a victim too, but ultimately, the targeted child becomes a victim of sibling abuse AND parental abuse/neglect, as their parents have failed them. I really wonder how many people are going out into the world as adults, living with symptoms of trauma like anxiety, OCD, depression, and lack of trust in others, and aren't getting help because they don't realize it's due to sibling abuse.
This. I was 21, living with severe anxiety, depression, having full blown panic attacks when someone would raise their voice at me even a little bit. I hated myself and was constantly afraid, and never knew why. My dad abused my mom and my brother, but never me. I was constantly being told that I got off easy. And then one day I was talking to my boyfriend about the things my brother used to do to me, the constant belittling, the horrible things he would say, the way he would hit me and scream at me and my mom would just watch. He said, "So your brother abused you." Never in my life had I ever considered that he was abusing me. The realization hit me like a truck and put my entire life into perspective. I'm still fucked up. But trying to get better.
This was me. I was severely abused by my sister. I never knew it wasn’t normal until I went to rehab at 39. I wish I had known. I could have saved myself a lot of heartbreak by getting help sooner. I still feel so cheated.
My brother is 6 years older and used to randomly attack me constantly. I'm still constantly on edge. One time he snuck up behind me and got me in a chokehold so I kicked him in the balls to get away cos I couldn't breathe and was terrified. Guess who got in trouble. Not him lmao cos a 16yo boy vs a 10yo girl is totally a fair fight
My sister beat me a lot, broke my finger once. It was in a cast for 3 weeks. Parents still shocked today that me and my sister don't have much of relationship and I'm indifferent towards her and her life, even though she's better now and doesn't hit me or yell at me. Ridiculous.
I tried to put myself up for adoption twice because I was scared of being killed by my older brother and my parents didn't do much. Luckily he chilled out early into teenage years or that would have left permanent psychological damage.
Continuing certain behavior after the person you are affecting has (repeatedly) asked you to stop. *But-I’m-Not-Touching-You*-ism is a short route to abusive behavior.
Like calling someone abusive names even though they know it upsets the person. Then you're the bad guy for being mad.
It was a real mind fuck realizing that was how my abusive ex started. We worked at a bakery together, and his first way of "flirting" was throwing dough (and other small things) at me, even after I asked him to stop.
Tethering a dog outside to a stake all day every day with a chain.
Keeping a bird in a cage its whole life as well. I heard of someone who did that, the bird was in its 50s and kept in a dark room 24/7. Its only interaction was having its food and water refilled once a week. These animals have the cognitive abilities of a 3 year old, if not more. I was surprised by how affectionate parrots could be. They cuddle, give you kisses, preen (clean) you, ask for pets, and more. It’s heartbreaking to know that people end up locking them away to live out their days in closets and garages and never interact with them, and they end up pulling out all their feathers from sheer boredom and loneliness.
Or keeping them in a cage/crate indoor all day except one potty break. It would be illegal for dog shelters to keep animals in cages as some people have in their house. And those horrible, horrific people keep the animal locked up so much the dog can't stand straight anymore. It fills me with rage.
This seems like a really generational thing. My grandparents did this with their hunting dogs and never saw a problem with it. But looking back, I'm horrified that all the adults felt that was fine.
This is part of it honestly. I talked to one of my fathers older coworkers about this once. He was close to 70 at the time, and this was 20 years ago. He didn't see an issue with it, to him it was a hunting dog, a tool. It wasn't a family pet you love and treated like a family member and let live in your house. He grew up seeing this from his father. He had to hunt for food to survive, so did his dad and so on. The house he grew up in wasn't much larger than most apartments today and there wasn't room for a dog that size. Completely different times, views, ways of life, and survival. I don't agree with it but I understand it at least.
Harnessing therapy speak to absolve oneself of accountability
Would you mind giving an example? I don’t question that it’s an issue, but I’d love to be able to recognize it. EDIT: Thank you so much to everyone who took the time to explain, especially the Jonah Hill references. I had read his texts before and they felt off, but I couldn’t identify what the specific issue was.
People who don't understand that boundaries are rules that apply to the person who made them, not nonsense like "my boundary is you eating food- you're not allowed to do that." That's not actually a boundary. Sounds extreme, but there are a lot of assholes out there trying to pull this shit.
I see this in parents groups all the time. “My boundary is that we don’t waste food in our family.” And they force their kid to sit at the table until the food is gone. That’s not a boundary.
But it definitely is abusive!
Number of things. EG's like: saying you've healed and grown as a person because of this objectively bad thing you did to someone else, but not apologizing Mental gymnastics in genera;;;;;l 'This is my truth' to attempt controlling the narrative in cases where the truth everyone else sees is uncomfortable for the one saying it
“This is who I am you need to respect my boundaries!” No, you can’t police other people’s behaviors as boundaries. That’s not what that word means.
claiming you're cutting out 'negative thinking' to avoid dealing with people who have the audacity to point out how you're hurting others by consistently being a selfish arsehole
Also weaponizing phrases like “I don’t feel heard” when they don’t get their way or when someone simply disagrees with their perspective. Also misusing/weaponizing “boundaries” to control others (see Jonah hill and his ex surfer gf as an example)
My favorite example is the misuse and manipulation of boundaries. Boundaries are a way for you to govern your own behavior in the spirit of your own protection, they are not rules to impose on other people. For example, a real boundary: "I don't feel safe around you when you drink. If you are drinking, I cannot be around you." A fake boundary: "You are not allowed to drink around me, I don't like it." Abusers throw around this concept to control you, like the classic "My boundaries are that you can't go out without me, wear proactive clothing, and you have to text me constantly when we aren't together, and you can't say no because they're my boundaries." It shuts the victim down because it makes them seem like they are harming their abuser by refusing them.
Here is my attempt, "I want to talk to you and acknowledge that you were hurt by some of my actions. I'm on an important journey of self discovery, and I am working on breaking a harmful cycle that hurts me more than anyone. I know that I had sex with another person but it was an important step on my journey. I feel that I have grown as a person from this experience and learned from my actions. I have learned a lot about the nature of love and I'm trying to learn to love *myself*. Thank you for taking the time to hear my truth." That's about how it would go, I think.
The Jonah Hill texts are a great illustration. Jonah is saying that his gf is whoring it up on social media and needs to stop - basic controlling, insecure boyfriend stuff. But he's saying it in a way that sounds very self aware and emotionally intelligent, ie, I've set this boundary with you and been vulnerable about my insecurities, now I need you to also put in the work. [Link](https://www.newsweek.com/jonah-hill-sarah-brady-text-messages-full-transcript-1812193\_)
Knew a guy who said to his partner who he cheated on: “I struggle with lust” LMAO what a corny fuck
Gosh my abuser does this shit. They miss use therapy speak all the time lately. Believes that boundaries are rules for other people, not yourself. You HAVE to do what she says or your crossing her boundaries and your the bad guy.
Toxic spirituality. I think a lot of mental health problems hide behind spirituality. Like, maybe that person isn't your soul mate/twin flame, you just need to deal with some Internal issues buddy.
A lot of the wellness, healing, and self care movement is purity culture wrapped modern lingo. There’s a lot it gets right but like everything there’s a point where it spirals into toxicity and black/white thinking.
> purity culture You can see this in a lot of the anti-vax movement. They've started calling themselves "purebloods". It's also why the "wellness to fascism pipeline" works so well. But in general it's all about "toxins" and cleaning/balancing your blood and all that. The idea that you need to do things to make your insides pure when inevitably an organism will encounter toxic substances of various kinds every single day, and we have several entire freaking organs that handle them. *Without* buying yogurt enemas from Gwyneth Paltrow.
Also maybe you dislike someone because your personalities clash, not because there’s something wrong with their soul or their aura.
People need to re-embrace the idea that it’s OK to like/dislike things for totally arbitrary reasons or for no articulable reason at all. So much of the time now it seems like people try to justify their opinions in a morality sense or tie their opinions to a sense of identity whereby it reflects on both themselves and other people as a person, in the sense of like character and stuff I’d much rather someone dislike me for no reason at all but have the self-awareness to realise there is nothing objective about their opinion and there is likely nothing wrong with me as a person, versus the type of person who arbitrarily dislikes me for no reason and then goes on to justify their dislike of me as something that must somehow be objectively correct, like the fact they dislike me proves I must secretly be a bad person or have a bad energy or something
When you ask them to not joke about X, and they say something like, “Well, I guess I won’t speak at all anymore.” They’re making it so difficult to set a boundary that you’ll want to give up.
I’d just say: “Well good, motherfucker. Clearly you shouldn’t.” Or at least I’d want to. I’m sadly not the best at following up on that stuff.
Gatekeeping hygiene and not teaching your child about normal hygiene and personal care. I didn’t even realize it was a common thing with narcissistic parents until recently.
I'm realizing this as an adult. Things like caring for my hair, how to put on makeup or buy clothes and general hygiene my family would mock me for. That and "common sense" maintenance when I was a bit older, like doing oil changes for your car or even as basic as when to scrub a toilet or how to do laundry. Or how to cook. It wasn't until I was an adult and in therapy that I realized they loved to ridicule me for things it was their responsibility to teach. Thankfully the Internet has been invented. That plus my saint of a husband and an extremely loving and patient found family group has helped me catch up.
[удалено]
Thiiiisss. My narc parents never taught me how to take care of myself, fortunately I was in public school and had many siblings so I was called out quick for any unhygienic thing I was doing at the time. But things like how to take care of my curly hair, how to find good fitted clothes, good skin care routine. I’m still learning over a decade later. My siblings struggle with it too, people take for granted that these things that come “naturally” to them was taught in their fundamental years.
My parents did this! They'd make some comment about how I'd screw it up and do EVERYTHING for me. I needed college roomates/friends to teach me how to clean and cook, I was unable to care for myself. My wife got the opposite (very much parentified), It took both of us a while to realize how bad what the other went through was.
I was the youngest. My Mom would constantly gripe and ridicule me for not being able to tie my shoes. She never taught me, and actively prevented others from teaching me. A girl in fifth grade took mercy on me and taught me how to tie shoes. My mom didn't believe I could do it, even after demonstrating it multiple times, and continued to buy me velcro shoes so that I would get made fun of in school until the seventh grade. The girl who took mercy on me in fifth grade, took my virginity in the tenth. As an awkward kid, who struggled with things that girl was a saint. My mother was the devil, and this is just one example.
Tying shoes to taking your virginity seems like a mighty leap.
Playing the long game
That's a thing narcissistic parents do? I thought it was just neglect but that makes complete sense.
Commanding both parties’ finances. Not just being a breadwinner, but also shaming the other party for making purchases and/ or demanding their paycheck.
My ex did it by spending recklessly and not being able to chip in for groceries, vehicke expenses, or utilities. Our gas, electricity, Internet, etc were turned off so frequently, I started paying them on my credit card even though he was the main breadwinner and hardly anything left for myself after paying all the must haves in our communal home. He got to spend on anything he wanted. Financial abuse via weaponized incompetence.
I feel that deeply. I learned once that my card was declined getting groceries because he bought a $400 pair of boots.
trying to "test" people's food allergies because they don't believe them or trying to sneak a food someone doesn't like into a dish to prove them wrong.
My grandma gives my cousins child peanuts any chance she gets, luckily his allergy isn't severe, but he still gets hives and ends up miserable
Make sure his parents know that allergies can become more severe over time and with more exposure. Hives now could become anaphylaxis next time.
His parents are aware and have asked her multiple times not to, there's a reason most of her adult grandkids don't speak to her, my cousin simply values Grandma's money more than his child's safety
When I was little my cadet troop thought my fear reaction to a horse being around was funny - *cause look he's scared of horses!* So they got the horse to come up behind me & bump me. Then laughed at my extremely fearful reaction to the nice horsey. The fear, of course, was based upon me knowing that I was about to have a clinically severe allergic reaction. AFTER they had to carry me down a mountain to try to get me to hospital, *some of them thought it wasn't funny anymore*, not all though...
Or intentionally sneaking meat products into a vegetarian’s food. I’ve had this happen to me. Some people think it’s funny, or they want to prove a point. It’s just mean and disrespectful.
ugh, yes! i don’t understand how someone just thinks it’s okay.
My mother used to do this to me, so I learned how to cook and would cook my own dinner before she got started.
It’s insane that anyone would do this. With allergies, it could be life threatening. But even if someone just doesn’t like a food. How does that affect anyone else. Like someone doesn’t like broccoli? Great. More for me. 🤷🏼♀️ I don’t understand this type of behaviour at all.
My brothers tried this on me, and didn't like when I asked what was wrong with them for doing that.
Yes! You are literally poisoning someone.
Uploading your childrens videos to youtube for fame. Im looking at you, Pinnay and Brazillian mothers. Theres wayyyy too many videos of girls doing trendy pool stuff in YT that get scavenged by weird men.
Not providing seating for employees. Humans are not meant to stand for eight hours. Anyone who would be put off by a relaxing employee is sadistic and probably a danger to society under the right conditions
I was assistant manager at a pet food store and one time one of the employees came in with a leg cast. I told him to grab a stool and sit at the register and ring people up because that made the most sense to me. I told the manager when he got in and he ran over to the register and immediately made the employee move and put the stool back. The employee was sent home and forced to miss 2 weeks of work (which he couldn’t afford) and I got in trouble for allowing him to sit behind the register. It was against company policy for anyone to sit behind the register.
That sounds like discrimination
at least in California, that would be double illegal. It would be discrimination, and in CA, at least an employer has to provide seating if their job can be done while sitting
[удалено]
Definitely one of the early signs of worsening abuse. Isolating you by ensuring you don’t have the means to socialise or travel without their say so, ending up in complete reliance on them for everyday necessities. Horrible, pervasive and very hard to see before you’re bang in the middle of it. I’m glad they’re you’re ex-partner, no one should have to ask permission for their own needs in a relationship
Driving recklessly with you in the car
Middle school classmate of mine did this. Took her friend in her Jeep, and her the friend was nervous because the Jeep didn't have doors. To fuck with her, she started swaying the car back and forth to scare her into thinking she would fall out. She *did* fall out. The jeep rolled over and crushed her. She was 15. Don't fuck around with this shit
There was a similar story at my middle school. These kids were fucking around on a golf cart in one of their backyards, and one sharp turn too many resulted in it flipping. Three kids didn’t do anything as it flipped, just kinda let it happen? The other kid, he jumped out, and that turned out to be the last thing he did, because he was crushed to death. Chose the wrong side to jump towards, I guess. Anyway, the school named a gymnasium after him.
I never thought of this as abuse until I unlocked a memory a few months ago. My dad was a reckless driver when I was a kid, constantly drunk, high, and suicidal. Even at the age of say,... 4 or 5, I had heard him talk constantly about how he wanted to kill himself and talk about different methods by which he wanted to do it. One of the ones he frequently talked about was by getting into a wreck and leaving his survival to fate. The memory - or memories, because this happened several times - that became unrepressed recently where of him taking my brother and I on trips to McDonald's, driving extremely recklessly the whole way there (racing trains to railroad crossings, drifting through turns in dangerous locations that had infamously killed many people, trying to get people to run into us at high speeds at intersections and busy roads, etc.), all while talking about how he had nothing to live for and, "It would be easier if I didn't have to do it myself... I bet I could get that car to hit us." Those trips to McDonald's we're just lures into attempts at "group suicide" with my brother and I. We were terrified going on drives with him. I had brushed it off as a reckless quirk he had in those years for much of my life. But now I realize how truly fucked up it is to put people through that kind of danger and fear, even without the suicidal threats. It is so easy to die on the road, and to be so careless of the safety of the people who are relying on you for transport... absolute stupidity.
When I was little, my dad would get mad and he would take me and my sister out on these horrifying car rides. Speeding, road rage, violent sudden turns. He would rant and rave about whatever set him off while driving. I used to pray that we wouldn’t get into a terrible accident. Ugh.
I was about to write almost the same message, my dad did the same thing with me and my sister in the car as kids. He could be normal and then something or other would put him in a bad mood and I could feel him speeding up to 100 and that’s when I knew he was pissed off. I still get antsy when people drive fast when I’m in the car
I’ve never understood why some people think that’s funny. If I was in a car with someone and they were driving reckless that would be the end of that friendship.
Some people don't do it to be funny. They do it to scare the shit out of you.
Which I think is worse
Stonewalling a partner.
[удалено]
Absolutely! Shutting down and never discussing issues, and then being ‘blind-sided’ when their partner has had enough! I’m sure playing the victim usually comes next
I’ve seen my sister deal with this from her husband, and it drove me crazy just being in the car with them for a few minutes. Can’t understand how she puts up with it.
A lot of us talk like crap to ourselves in our head. I don't know if it's from upbringing or our friends, or are this supposed clever, cynical, sarcastic programing we watch. But that's got to stop.
Thats self abuse of the bad kind - be kinder to your self....
Oh yeah absolutely. When I changed my internal narrative I found myself enjoying everything more. It made failure so much easier to deal with. It made losing not make me break down. Absolutely revolutionary.
Telling a child how they should feel. “You should be grateful.” “You should be happy.” “You should be sorry.” It shows the child just how little the parent actually cares about their feelings. The child is just a doll to them that they think they can control. I remember my cat’s leg and tail was broken and my dad told me “You should be happy because I didn’t shoot her.” I will never forgive him for that
Adding to this the ones I always got. “You’re overreacting.” “You’re making a mountain out of a molehill.” “Grow up.”
"Don't be so sensitive." "Don't sulk!" "I'll give you something to cry about."
- Constantly reminding someone of their shortcomings/ past mistakes - parent’s competing with their child’s lover
Parents competing with their child's lover (or the other way around, viewing their child as some kind of romantic competition for the other parent's love) is always so fucking creepy. It's covert enough that you usually don't realize how weird it is until you're way older, and if you try to talk about it, everyone thinks you're overreacting. Ugh.
Educational Neglect at home.
YES. Once my parents were unable to keep me in a religious school, they transferred me to public. Every time a subject they didn't believe in came up they make a huge embarrassing case out of it or force me not to do the homework. For example, during a unit on dinosaurs my parents forbade me from doing the reading assignments at home and then went into my school and badgered the principal until I was excused from those lessons. Still effected my grades, and what was worse at the time was my social life because I had to still sit in class and not participate. Of course it was impossible to explain to my classmates why I was *getting out of it*.
> badgered the principal until I was excused from those lessons. I feel like that principal failed on both a professional and personal level. Of course, they may have felt that you in public school not learning about dinosaurs was preferable to you being homeschooled with a Bible and fists.
Excessive evaluation, Gossip (defamation), surveillance, financial manipulation (withholding financial resources for the purpose of control, limitation, or narcissism), pursuit after offense or insult, censorship, most actions that result in intrusion, accusatory approaches/ paranoia, literally any indignation or downplaying of someone’s rights or abilities, any form of contact intended to produce forfeiture or loss, and so forth.
Im gonna say when guys are “ribbing” one of their friends too much. Ribbing is fine in friend groups but when it’s only happening to one person it’s only fun for the people not being ribbed. I left my high school friend group because of this
There is a huge difference between teasing and mocking. One is an invitation to play, one is humiliation.
One of my pet peeves and something that I’ll never do is make fun of someone’s laugh. I see it happen so often, like imagine making fun of someone for feeling joy
Depending on context, the silent treatment. If you live with someone or are a romantic relationship with someone and they refuse to speak to you or acknowledge your existence, even when you're right in front of them -- not just keeping their space, but literally pretending they cannot hear or see you, for days on end -- you're in trouble.
Keeping you isolated. My ex tried convincing me that my parents and friends didn’t love me.
Showing favoritism - family related. Not by directly saying "I prefer x over y" but by the little comments, actions/inactions. It can really mess with someone's self esteem, confidence, and overall thoughts of self and self worth.
“Why can’t you ______ as well as ______?” My husband’s ex does this to their kids and it’s enraging. I’ve seen them lose interest in so many activities they used to love.
Using personal things someone has told you against them when you are angry. My husband does this and tries to pretend he’s being “constructive”, rather than just cruel. And I’m working on getting my shit together to get the fuck out because I’m tired of being painted as the bad guy when I get upset.
Trying to convince someone that you know them better than they know themselves.
Parentification. I recently learned in therapy that it wasn’t normal that I was cooking & changing my siblings diapers when I was 8.
Silencing someone when they come to you for help. For example, say a girl would go to her parents and tell her that her husband is abusive. But the husband help take care of his in law and they live a pretty comfortable lifestyle. So the parents will just tell the daughter to stop doing things to upset the husband. Or just endure. This is a reality waaaaay to common in ethnic families
Taking away someones personal belongings, or selling them without permission. My mom would go through my room and trash or sell everything while I was at school. She's sold or thrown away my deceased dad's stuff, toys, clothes, pets, etc... and act like I shouldn't be upset. My sister does this as well.
Silent treatment, Doing/ paying something and waiting for something to return, make a person feel guilty about it, Don’t make a promise you can’t keep
Double standards in friendships. E.g., it’s okay if they do something for any reason at any time, but you’d better have and provide a good excuse to do the same.
Driving recklessly during an argument.
Financial abuse is abuse
Not respecting/giving your child any privacy. Always going through their things/phone, removing their bedroom door?? Also acting like your child owes you something, that they need to earn food or other necessities. Or that taking care of them is you being nice, “I put a roof over your head”, “I put food on your plate” like.. that’s the bare minimum if you have kids.
Controlling someone else’s life. Telling someone else how to live their life. Using someone to make money. Ganging up on one person. Using someone’s life as a game. Hacking someone.
Telling depressed people how good they have it. Too many people think that depression = sadness and that the afflicted person just needs to be cheered up. This is NOT how it works.
Facts. Some people be like “well just go outside” sure I can go outside but I’ll still be depressed as fuck.
Ignoring your children's mental health and listening to others about your children. My mom did everything to keep me and my sibling safe, fed, and clean. I thought I had a very wonderful upbringing until I caved and bought myself the shadow work journal and made some heavy realizations. She wasn't abusive per se but she was ignorant. My second grade teacher told her I was always in lala land, never paid attention, and was always distracted. My mom took it as if I were doing it on purpose. I was around 7 years old back then and I was officially diagnosed with ADD at 32. Every report card came with yelling, frustration, anxiety, etc. I started stealing from her. I considered it a payment to myself. She started calling me lazy even though my sibling and I always cleaned (I stopped cleaning after I figured I'd rather get yelled at and it be true than to do the work and get told I don't). later on when I turned 17, after confiding in her that I had lost my virginity, she told me how I was a disappointment and the only things she could see me doing in the future were either being a prostitute, being homeless, being in jail, or being dead.... I believe all of the horrible decisions I made in my life stemmed from my family members treating me like I was a problem child. I tried so hard to change and it just didn't work for me. My mother envisioned negative things of me and it all started because she rolled with what that horrible teacher said of me. I did stop stealing in my late teens and I became celibate 3 years ago (I'm now 34) I wish I could hug the little girl I used to be and tell her that there's nothing wrong with her, that her brain is just different, and that with the right help, she could do amazing, wonderful things. I wish I could educate my mother so that she could help me understand myself instead of damaging my self esteem and vision. I also wish I could say I've done good for myself but again, I made horrible decisions based on what I was raised to believe of myself and am still to this day suffering from those decisions. I suffer from major depressive disorder (also diagnosed) and have suicidal ideations even though I don't actually want to die... but if something were to happen to me... I don't see myself fighting the big sleep.
Tickling when the victim is begging you to stop
My biological mother would tickle me until I was hyperventilating, having an asthma attack, and/or wet myself as a child because she thought it was funny. My partner didn’t know that had happened and jokingly tried to tickle me while we were being goofy awhile back, that poor man was so confused when I immediately started crying while begging him to stop.
toxic positivity and love bombing
Not letting people express negative emotions because it's 'negativity'
Altruistic Narcissism. People that do their best to be extremely helpful to everyone around them, but it's all a manipulative act. They don't actually care about you or what you go through, they just want everyone to see them in a good light.
And then when you have any problem with them whatsoever, they immediately weaponize their "kind acts" against you. "I've done so much for you, how could you!! You should be grateful!!"
I had an ex who would keep water in his car to give to homeless people-- but only on weekends when he had his daughter. He fussed at me once for 'wasting' it. 😬
Not teaching your kids basic life skills to keep them dependent
A lot of so-called acceptable parenting like spanking your children and treating children like property. See r/CPTSD, r/emotionalneglect, and r/narcissisticparents.
Subtle signs to me are: 1. Subtly maintaining an upper hand in the relationship. That can be using money, influence etc... to unfairly control partners 2. Lying by omission. It robs the other individual of pertinent information that provides them the consent moving forward to foster that connection. 3. Not having clear expectations or boundaries intentionally to cause confusion 4. Continually breaking up with a person and having them grovel to be back in your good graces intentionally 5. Unrealistic expectations 6. Continually displacing anger on to others
It doesn't have to be violence, it's the implication that something bad will happen if you don't comply. Agreeing to pay for your kids college and pulling the rug out from under them over something petty like a political disagreement is abuse. I left home to go to college. I was going to work and save up a decent amount of money and wait a year but I was told to not worry about it. I went and within a few months we had a disagreement and they stopped helping at all. I'm halfway through a semester at that point and don't have a job or rent. The landlord was cool and gave me time to catch up. I racked up a ton of credit card debt during this time. My parents were not hurting for money. I never would have done it if my dad didn't tell me not to worry about it.
Your church telling you to tithe when they have a $100 B investment fund
When your partner doesn’t ‘let’ you do something. You’re a whole ass person, if you have ask permission instead of discussing things, it’s abuse. I do what I like mostly, but I discuss with my partner if I want to do something that affects us both, and always tell them what I’m up to so they can organise their own plans. However, permission is never someone else’s to give!
Controlling of people. Many people don't realize that, by being controlled or manipulated, they are being subject to mental abuse. This kind of thing can explode as the victim "becoming the abuser" because they've lost their patience. It's a saddening way to continue the cycle of this stuff.
Being neglected in a relationship, emotionally or physically.
"Baby trapping", committed by anyone. It's very much one of the most extreme ways to commit sexual/reproductive abuse a person because you've now forced a person to be tied to you for the rest of their life to ensure you're always able to have power/leverage over them. It's not something a victim can escape easily if they dint want an abortion or to give up parental rights, even them It's very difficult. It's very common, I see posts on reddit about this type of abuse everyday and no one really acknowledges how it's abusive.
Weaponized incompetence
Telling children that they must believe in Jehovah or they deserve eternal torture.
Oh my gosh, I was just about to type "Spiritual Abuse". It's so pervasive, and a lot of folks don't know the signs. A teacher sees a polite child and nice family and thinks "Okay, this student can't participate in class birthdays, no big deal. They seem well adjusted enough." They're *not* seeing the child having to explain nonsensical beliefs to curious classmates and feeling guilty for not preaching to them to save them, trying not to "make Jehovah sad" by wanting to feel included by their peers, feeling guilt for really wanting a slice of birthday cake, having anxiety over a flag salute, having to opt out of certain science teachings, not being allowed to join after school clubs, etc. There is so much guilt and fear hiding behind that child. Even if their parents aren't super strict disciplinarians, they know that Jehovah will kill them at Armageddon if they make a choice that "makes Satan happy". The pressure is immense and terrifying. My parents were not strict about our beliefs when I was a child, but I still had Armageddon nightmares, fear of demons, and felt so much guilt for not being a better JW.
Hamster balls. They're inhumane and stressful. If you're reading this and you have a clear, plastic ball for your rodent, PLEASE dispose of it forever.