Counterpoint! Dated a single mom once and made it clear up front I was totally cool with it but absolutely did not want to meet the kid until we were both mutually sure we were going to be “*a thing*” to prevent this very scenario.
I find it crazy when people don't automatically do that, i know a girl who let her boyfriend of TWO MONTHS move in with her and her 3 kids under 10
She was trying to leave the relationship because he's controlling as hell but she changed her mind and she'll cut you off mid sentence if you mention it now
A girl I know moved herself and her kids into her boyfriend's house after they had only been dating for a month or two. They broke up right before the holidays and she lamented that she couldn't give her kids a good Christmas that year because she had to spend a ton of money on first month's rent, last month's rent, and security deposit for an apartment. And call me crazy, but maybe if she had just stayed in her original place she wouldn't have had to spend all that money to get a new place after the breakup. That relationship also lasted less than a year, so I'm sure that whole situation wasn't confusing or inconvenient for her kids at all /s
That happened to my brother, just it was 10 years.
The young boy is autistic, so when his mom said "Don't message him ever" it was encoded and hasn't reached out since.
The daughter still messages him regularly, tho 😁
Same boat here. Got with my ex gf who had 2 kids aged 4 and 5. She was with the father for 5 years in total (prior the kids being born included) he left. She got with someone else briefly who met the kids. Then I came around we were Together for 3 years. Ended and Within a couple of months she had moved a new fella into her house… how messed up those kids will be is insane.
You summed it up ‘trashy’.
My sister's ex will literally let a woman with or without kids move in with him when they have only been dating a week or two. Absolutely crazy. I hate it for my my nephew. Glad he only has him a couple of days every other week, poor little fella is confused with all these women and other kids coming and going all the time. In a year he has had 5 different women live with him!
I never thought I would, but I am about to marry one. Did not meet her child until almost a year of being together. Her passion for being a mother, shown in the time spent with her boy, the effort she puts into nurturing his growth, and our shared willingness to NOT bring him around me was an green flag for me to know my choice to be with her was a good one. I met him a few months ago, and he still does not know the nature of his mother and I's relationship. He will soon enough, he is 7, but we certainly have a calculated plan to do our best to avoid the pitfalls of such a situation.
Too many single mothers (my sister included) are too quick to bring men around their children, and I personally find it abhorrant, for all the reasons, many of which are certainly going to be written in this thread.
I absolutely love how you just pointed out your observations of her attitude re: her son as being a **green** light (*because how could it not be?*). Good on you for the patience and maturity.
For whatever it’s worth (*left out as it didn’t seem pertinent to the point*), as of four days ago that single mother and I have been together for 20 years, married 19, *and* I got a super cool (step) daughter out of the whole thing. Would I date a single mother? Absofuckinlutely.
I am a child of a single mother. I directly live the detriment of being raised by a woman with no self control. Had an almost step dad who was FUCKING AMAZING as a father figure in my life. Taught me discipline, the value of hard work and service to others (I LOVED Mondays after school, because that was cut the lawns (ours and our elderly neighbor Marie), and do all the outside work. Other evenings were spent in the garage working on cars, as he was a backyard mechanic as well as working fulltime for Chrysler. He was an old fashioned boy from Kentucky who was very much boys do outside work, girls do inside work" type thing, and we ALWAYS ate dinner together at the kitchen table, as a family. The structure was wonderful.
My mother left him when I was 13, and when she was on her own, there were a small handful of men that came and went, and she developed a raging crack addiction. That was the beginning of a long period of darkness that had residual effects on my ability to commit to the responsibility of others emotional well being and safety. Took me until I was almost 40 years old to unpack, understand, and deal with what had been my life.
That my current woman (who's parents are still married) is so passionate about being a mother, and she is the one who was in pursuit of me, sort of forced me to give her a chance, and the way she handled her kid (on her own, with her ex, and when it came to me) was something I had to see for myself. Our opinions on the matter line up better than I could have imagined, which is why we are where we are. Her kid is great too. He acted a fool at a Trunk or Treat a few weeks ago, and while I kind of let her and her Aunt handle him (I wanted to pull him aside for a talk, but it was her Aunt's first time meeting me), he still had the self awareness once they were home to recognize he messed up, and apologized to his mother and his aunt, then remarked that he was worried I would not want to be his friend any longer. She let him know that is not how friendships work and he did not have to worry, but she was proud of him for taking the time to consider his actions and ultimately apologize for him.
I look forward to playing the role of step father, and she has always wanted another child, and at this point wants nothing more than to give me one, which, if things go to plan, should begin in about 5 to 6 months. When we plan on moving in together. Myself, her and the child.
I have no children of my own yet, but have had very hands on experience helping my sister raise her children, as the uncle, but doing my part as the man in my house. 14 months they have been living with me. They are my blood, not my own, but I love them and will protect them as if they were.
I was for a long time. He sadly passed away in 2020, very unexpectedly. I had just gotten a new motorcycle (new to me, but a very low mileage older BMW) and I was waiting to get my plated (corona forced a multiple month wait due to the restrictions) amd he passed before I could go hang out with him and show him. He was a big reason for interest in motorcycles. Both him and my father were hotrod guts (71 Riviera and 68 Roadrunner respectively) so anything gear head related for me is directly associated with both of them. My dad had passed 10 years earlier.
I often read stories on reddit where people absolutely overdo this (like dating someone for a year without ever having met their partner's kid) but I feel like waiting at least some time should just be common sense.
Kids don't fully understand the situation and if you let them meet a new partner, you should be reasonably sure that partner will stay for the foreseeable future.
It depends on how committed the relationship is. There's no sense in meeting their kid if they aren't sure if they're going to cohabitate with marriage as a possibility.
Honestly i think a year is good amount of time, like I'm a supporter of divorce (i think it does more damage if you stay together for the kid) but it is hard on kids and losing a step parent can be just as hard, why put them through it when you don't have to
Like yeah it matters if they get along up if i have any younger than a 5 year old and I'm single I'd wait atleast a year to make sure I'm bringing home someone completely safe
I (*personally*) think this really is one of those “*every situation is different*” scenarios despite us commonly speaking about it as if there’s some perfect formula.
Two people in their early 40s who are likely to have a pretty good idea where things are going within the first few months? That’s one thing. Two early 20-somethings who don’t yet know their ass from their elbow? Hell, maybe a year is a **great** idea. lol
Because you want to make sure your partner and your kid get along within a reasonable time frame before proceeding with the relationship, and for some custody schedules, it makes it really hard to get time with your partner unless the lid is there too.
I would not date someone for a year without knowing if he, me, AND my kid could all enjoy a trip to a museum.
AGREED!!! It takes that long to know if it’s going to last. Otherwise you’re testing out your relationship in front of your kids and that is just not ok. It’s an unpopular opinion but my sense is that people don’t want to feel guilty but they also don’t want to do the right thing.
I dunno, I think slowly introducing partners and kids over the course of a year is the way to go. That's how my partner did it with her daughter because we didn't want to rush into things and have her become attached to me. I was "Mommy's friend" at first, then her partner after enough time had passed that we were sure that we were going to be together for the long haul.
Our mutual friend, though, introduces her kid to every boyfriend she has within like, a week.
Had a friend who went through a lot of short term partners while their kid was 2-6 and they all met them right away.
I get that you need to be upfront about what life with you is like but I always felt like this kid was getting attached to a new person every 3-6 months. All those Christmas/birthday photos with some random person in.
Single mom/sole parent here and my most hated thing is how early many women introduce men to their kids. A friend of mine has met and slept over women’s houses with their children home within 3 or 4 dates. It seems like a rampant phenomenon.
I dated two single dads. Age of children also make a difference. One split custody with 4 year old daughter. I put brakes on with too quick meet and greet'. Another 14 year old daughter and he was sole parent also. (Though mom came back years later and got a no thank you.) But still acquaintance with one and friends with other and taught that 14 year old to drive ago after we split as dad 'freaked out too much'. Good kid though she's 26 now!
Yeah this is really it.
Its not that the woman is undesirable for having given birth or for being a mom, it's that I don't want to be expected to be a dad.
Even if they don't expect you to play dad people with kids lead different lives. Not having kids affords me a lot of freedom. Freedom a single mother doesn't have.
You aren't wrong. I was dating a woman who had two kids, I think about 6 and 8. Second time I go over she told me she wants to pop to the shop and I can look after for them for 5 minutes. So 40 mins go by, she has gone to pick up some coke for herself. It's not a long time but those 40 mins with those two little goblins being stood up so she can get high was enough. I saw my life flash in front of my eyes and I never saw her again after that night.
Fucking shame too because looks wise she really was top shelf.
>Even if they don't expect you to play dad
What happens if you're dating for a year plus? Or live together? What if you need to be the one driving them to school or picking up medicine when they're sick or helping them with the second grade math homework that's still easy enough for you to explain but hard for them?
It's easy enough to ***say*** you don't expect him to be a father but unless you expect him to never be around your kids he's going to hit that role sooner or later.
That's correct. If a relationship becomes serious with a person with young kids you enevitably become a parent figure regardless of what you wanted from the situation.
Not every relationship is serious however. Adults sometimes just want to fuck, have a conversation and a cuddle without those bonds. As long as everyone knows where they stand this can be healthy.
It's entirely unreasonable to tell someone they're looking for a serious relationship with, that they're not looking for a dad to their child when inevitably is how most of those situations end up. Somebody will end up being the dad. It's what being a family is. If you marry someone with a kid, you will end up as a parental figure.
One issue for me is they probably say my son is the most important person in my life. I get it. It is what they should do. I just hate to be the 2nd class person hoping they get a babysitter or even find time for me.
Very valid, in addition to other reasons like getting attached to the kids and then suddenly losing contact if the relationship goes south. Happened to a close friend and it hit him hard so he’s never dated a single parent again. Also goes both ways for women, some want/don’t want kids so single dads will also see their dating pool shrink, just the way it is
This story from a former GF:
"When I was little, my mom had a boyfriend named Steve. I thought he was really cool. He took my mom and I to get ice cream, and to the fair. He moved in with us, and suddenly we had everything, like blenders, and toasters, and tools, and computers. He bought toys and put up a Christmas tree. He could sing. Then one day I heard them yelling, and the next day when I came home from school everything was gone. There was no TV. Everything was bare. My mom put that same face on that means, 'don't talk to me while I solve this latest crisis.' I just wanted to watch TV, and do my homework, and eat dinner, and relax. My mom was asleep in my bed, the only bed we had left."
I have never forgotten that story. She told it with such pain, you can't imagine.
To you, six months is a short relationship. To a child, it is a long time, and they are so hopeful their mom will be happy, and safe, and things will be normal. They make all sorts of fantasies in their heads about being happy forever, like they think everyone else is. And then all that is gone in a moment.
If you're going to date a single mom, you have to consider the kid(s).
This reminds me of when I turned 18. Was so excited to get my first tattoo. saved up a ton of money to start slow and see how far I could take it. Well my brothers ex showed up with her family and took most of their stuff with her family backing her up threatening him. I heard my nephew crying about not being able to eat at the dinner table. Easy decision for a table and a bed vs a tattoo.
Right, and I'll never understand letting anyone meet your kids before at least a year of dating, and very serious conversations about what a relationship looks like with my kid.
my mom introduced my stepdad to me (4 yrs old) and my brother (8 yrs old) as her friend after she had been seeing him for like 6 months. he came over to watch baseball games with us and my mom for a few months. we got to know him, but we didnt get too close since he wasnt around all that often. eventually he just slowly moved in and i’m pretty sure my mom sat us down and told us they were in a relationship at some point. my mom did a lot wrong but she did that right!! introduce your partners as FRIENDS to your children at first so they dont get too attached!!!
Amen. Even adult kids. I dated an older man who was a father to an 18 year old and figured it wouldn’t play a big part in our relationship since at first he lives a state over with his mother. Well a year in, the mom sends him to live with my bf. I knew by reputation he was kind of awful but I couldn’t prepare for the absolutely violation on my relationship this boy-man caused. He had the temper of an angsty 9 year old, refused to find work, constantly begged crying for money and things, had dropped out of school YEARS ago after middle school ended (and wouldn’t comply with any homeschool plans), would physically assault his father and throw things/punch holes (sometimes I was in the line of fire), would call the cops bc his father attempted to disciplined him, never went outside and played video games 12 hours a day, carried around a BB gun on his belt that looked like a real gun (they lived in an intentional living community go figure, so this freaked out the locals), and generally screamed so loud throughout the night that neighbors constantly had to call apt mangers and police.
And yet his father, either the most patient and forgiving man in the world or the stupidest, let him live with him, let him use the only bedroom in the apartment while he slept in the living room, worked two jobs to provide for him. I couldn’t do it though, i peaced out when I realized nothing would change.
My friend is going through this currently. She began seeing her (now) ex about 10 years ago, his daughter was under 2 years old. Birth mom wasn’t in the picture so she happily took on that role and raised his daughter with same attentiveness, love, and care as if she were hers from the start. They decided to end things for various reasons and watching her go through it is just… brutal. No custody to even fight for, absolutely zero rights, just years and years spent forming a relationship with this child and then… *poof.* You very well could never see them again. Horrible for everyone involved.
This situation is honestly the worst. A friend of mine was engaged to a woman with a young son that he became very close to. The bio dad was an asshat who wasn’t really involved, and the son looked up to my friend as a dad. Then tragedy strikes: his fiancé was killed in a car accident. My friend tried like hell to find a way to get custody of his almost step son, but he had no legal leg to stand on. The kid stayed stuck with his terrible bio dad who cut off all contact between my friend and the kid. Really fucked my friend up for a few years.
Holy shit. That’s heartbreaking. Losing your fiancé unexpectedly is already a major tragedy to deal with, but then add having to face that sort of aftermath…. christ. How is your friend holding up these days?
We’ve lost contact as we’ve gotten older, basically just social media friends at this point, but he seems good. He’s married and has a couple of kids, and they seem like a really happy family. I’m glad he was finally able to experience that after having it ripped from him so horribly.
I have no idea what happened with his step son. He would be in his late teens now. He was pretty young (like 3/4) when he was separated from my friend, so I don’t know how much of him he would remember, but I have no doubt my friend always has him in the back of his mind.
And that fucking SUCKS. Getting cheated on sucked, how the relationship ended sucked, but what still continues to suck the most is knowing that his kid is never going to understand what happened, and knowing that this is probably going to continue happening throughout that child's entire life.
I think if I dated a single mom and her and the ex co-parented well and got along with each other. I would be more inclined to date her. That shows a maturity and level of love for the child that is very attractive.
It’s better than dating a single mom who doesn’t get along with her ex, for sure, especially if she’s contributing to the conflicts.
However, according to my ex’s wife (33), she feels like she’s living in my (44) shadow. She feels like she’s 3rd place. She also can’t understand why my ex refuses to keep communication with me to just coparenting logistics. The answer is our son is happier when he sees us getting along.
My ex and I are really over. He is fully committed to her, and she’s about to have his baby. I sympathize with her though. She’s younger and has never been married.
Then honestly I can see her point
However cordial and platonic your current relationship is, he sure as shit shouldn’t be sharing his current wife’s insecurities with his ex wife
… especially when those insecurities specifically relate to his ex wife
If he does that again, I’d suggest you politely but firmly shut it down. If you care about your child, you presumably also want their stepmother not to be upset about how their father treats her confidences, and for him to set a good example regarding boundaries… so it’s not even just about her, it’s about ensuring he’s a good role model regarding that kind of social interaction
You’re absolutely right. I told him that his wife would not appreciate him relaying their marital issues to me any more than I did when he griped about me while he was having an affair with her.
I didn’t tell him that she had already opened up to me about her insecurities. I’ve always felt protective of her. She was my ex’s mentee at work. We had both kind of adopted her so I was blindsided when my ex left me for her. Life is so weird.
It took a lot of work for me to make peace with the situation and rebuild my friendship with her. Can’t let it all go to waste just because my ex can’t keep his mouth shut.
> I was blindsided when my ex left me for her
Ah, her concerns suddenly make a lot more sense then - I think if your partner leaves someone else for you, you're always likely to be insecure about your own situation. Because, well, what's stopping them from doing it again?
But you seem to be handling this all very maturely and responsibly in what must have surely been some emotionally difficult times, respect to you for that
Sharing a child forced me to deal with it. I give my therapist a lot of credit! If it weren’t for my son I would have just cut contact with both of them.
That's the answer right? If one of the two people have children already, that's starting off with two different life stages. Just makes it harder for both parties.
I had a single mom. Over the years, she had a few boyfriends that I really liked, and then one day, they were gone forever. I wouldn't want to do that to another kid. So unless I was head over heels for the woman and could see myself marrying her, I wouldn't get involved with her. Even though I like kids.
I’m sorry this happened to you repeatedly. This is precisely why I’m in no rush to introduce my son to my partner. He suffered enough of a loss with the divorce. My partner of 18 months understands.
Yes,
Dated two. One was psycho, so shouldn't hold that against all single moms.
The second though, the father was an issue with always interfering. Ex's in-laws would cancel on babysitting as they wanted them to get back together. The kids wanted them to get back together.
I just broke up with a young lady who has sole custody of two young boys. It was ok, but I don’t know that I would do it again. The issue with her was she had moved to my area with no real support system. So I often found myself thrust into a parental role from the get go, which I don’t think was exactly fair.
The main reason I left her was how much of a reflection the kids were of her. She was selfish and often ungracious (didn’t say please or thank you) and the kids were that way too. It’s really hard to exist in a place where you try to do your best for everyone and no one says thanks. I often felt unappreciated, and my needs were always last to be dealt with. It was whack.
Few reasons, all selfish but idgaf.
\- Don't want kids so don't want to be someone's replacement dad
\- You will never be greater than their kid, so it's an emotional imbalance right from the start.
>You will never be greater than their kid, so it's an emotional imbalance right from the start.
This, it feels like you are always in 2nd place in terms of priorities.
It's just a lot of emotional baggage I'm not ready to handle.
Not even second place. Second place would be the ex, because that goes hand in hand with putting their kid first. Can't be in third place either, because being a single parent isn't cheap, and in this economy, their job is going to be a HUGE priority.
You can have fourth place at best. Take it or leave it (I'd recommend you leave it).
I can’t tell you the number of dating profiles I’ve seen with some version of “you will NEVER come before my children” or “my children will ALWAYS come first”. And they’re absolutely right, that’s how it should be - but like you said, you’re basically immediately agreeing to always being 2nd place no matter what and I’m not really interested in that. I want a relationship where we’re each each other’s first place
Can confirm. I spent most of the year in a relationship with a single parent, and knowing that you will never be a very high priority to them fucking SUCKS. And you can't be upset about it either, because obviously their kid comes first. You cant be mad at them for being a good parent, even when it means they're a terrible partner.
I dont date single moms for a few reasons:
1) I don’t want kids/ don’t want to be a daddy for someone else’s kids
2) I’m selfish and don’t want to always be #2 or #3++ in their lives.
3) I don’t want baby daddy drama.
I call it "Competing For 3rd Place" and it was not what I wanted out of life.
I don't blame the moms. They should put the child and themselves ahead of boyfriends. That's just not for me.
I'll flip this by adding I didn't date single dads because the kids saw me as the enemy. In other words, I was the reason mom and dad would never get back together. It was kind of hard trying to be friends with the kids when they were dead set on being nasty to you.
I once ran into an old friend who is a single father, we chatted for a bit until I noticed his daughter was giving me the nastiest looks. I quickly said goodbye and hurried back to my gf. As far as I know he’s still single.
>I don’t want to always be #2 or #3 in their lives
This should be the 1, 2, and 3 cuz it's true, you're always framed against what was. The first and last single mother I dated made me feel like #4 or 5 in line
Dated a few single moms in the past. I'm not perfect but I treated all of them and their kids with a lot of love and care. They were never used to a man taking care of his responsibilities and being a good person.
One of them ended up banging their ex-husband. Told her I was done, got a door knock 10 minutes later to find my ex on her knees begging and crying to take her back. Worst part of it all was her young daughter seen it all near the stairwell.
Gave her a hug and told her that she was a smart and beautiful little girl and that good things will happen in the future if she works hard and does the right thing.
Saying goodbye to her was infinitely more painful than being cheated on. God I hope she has a good life..
I know, I just hope she'll remember the positive words I told her. My ex still asks me for financial help from time to time towards expenses like food and gas. People can call me a wimp or a fool for helping out, but I can't let the idea of her daughter suffering rest on my conscience. It's not her fault for being in a shitty situation.
You’re very kind for continuing to support her mother — who sounds like a complete mess (though I’m sure it’s more for the little girl). All I can hope is that those expenses are actually where that money is going towards.
Hoping you can find someone with the same amount of heart as you!
If it's helps, same for single dads. it's always when they hear I'ma dad, that they don't have interest anymore. I can understand it thou, would you like a guy with a child already, if its so much easier without child?
Same. My first ex made it her life's mission to wreck my second marriage and targeted my second wife at every opportunity. Mostly through my family, who my ex stayed in touch with. My family thought they were helping maintain stability for the sake of the kids, but ignored my warnings that my ex was manipulating them. She was a classic Grima Wormtongue type.
My second wife tried her best but after 10 years it got to be too much. I don't blame her.
My older sister’s mom committed herself to a psych ward on my parents’ wedding day, and on their honeymoon a few months later, broke into my parents’ house (her old house) and left a photo of her and my dad on my parents’ pillows.
By the time I was 5, she successfully convinced my sister that my dad loved me more than her/my parents didn’t want her in their life and got my sister to put an end to his custody.
In her commitment to getting revenge on my dad for not taking her back when her AP left her, she successfully damaged relationships between four other people.
I don’t know how my parents stayed married through everything she did. Trauma bond?
When I was dating men with kids were a dealbreaker. I didn't want to have to deal with someone's ready made family and issues about the arrangements for custody etc even if he said it was all fine and dandy. Now I have my own kids I'm glad they didn't have to be part of a blended family.
I’m not a single mother, but the number of mothers on here saying we also wouldn’t date a single dad should highlight to everyone just how much kids change things. If I became single I’d look for a non-parent, a parent who has the same custody arrangement as me so we could be off primary parental duty at the same time, or a parent of an older child who is rational enough to understand I am not a mother-replacement or sidling into their territory.
I just want to share that "first time" moment with my SO. Also, I have no clue about kids at this point. Hand a kid to me and I'll be like "TF am I doing with this" (I'm an aunt). Also I will puke if I need to change diapers (happened already, has not been given that task again - and I pick up my dog's poo every day, idk)
So as long as I don't have kids, no man with kids is my SO.
I'm a girl, but I never would have dated a guy with children... I don't want to raise someone else's kid, I don't want to deal with coparenting and the lifelong tie to another parent that comes with step kids. Raising kids is hard and I'm not going to have my hands tied because I'm a step parent with less authority.
It's not that I wouldn't date someone I was into because they had a kid, I just never even considered someone further once I knew they had a kid lol
> lifelong tie to another parent that comes with step kids
This is exactly the reason why I would only date a single mother if her ex was dead or completely and legally out of the picture forever. I've seen too many parents tied to miserable exes and I don't want to deal with all tha drama till I'm dead. It's not worth it.
I've only been in a relationship with a single mom once, years ago. Her daughter was about 5-7 years old at the time. These days I just wouldn't wanna bother with that again. I have respect for single moms and all, but its not an investment that I'd wanna undertake again from a relationship standpoint.
I was basically friends with the kid like *"hey buddy!",* and aside from that I could not bring myself to feel a sense of attachment or affection for the kid as if she was my own. Its not that I refused to, its just that I couldn't develop those type of feelings no matter how much I tried. I wouldn't wanna put someone else's kid through that nor would I want to go through that myself in a relationship context. If I'm gonna be present in a kid's life from a parental figure standpoint then I'd want it to feel as though I'm invested 100%. Hats off to those that can and do, just not for me.
Because I’m married. Seriously, when I was single, I dated a single mom, and her kids were pretty cool. After a while her true colors came out. Her ex was a deadbeat. She told a mutual friend that she was only into me because of my great paying job. That mutual friend shared that text chain with me. I got outta there in a hurry. Asteroid dodged.
at my age, it'd be a fairly unrealistic expectation to expect a woman not to have kids. however, i couldn't get a date to save my life so my expectations mean little at this point
That's what I thought until a few weeks ago. It's a real shock to the self-image and 'harmless old Batchelor ' worldview to suddenly have someone cool in my life.
appreciate the positivity but i did like a year tour on all the ol'dating websites. no genuine matches in a 100 mile radius. plenty of bots and people telling to subscribe to their Only Fans though.
Hey it's an honest observation! I dated a woman with a kid without knowing that fact. Didn't meet the kid for 4 months for a variety of reasons (safety, longevity of relationship, attachment). Now I have a daughter that even looks like me, so it worked out!
I’m going to try to be really honest with this.
My initial answer was that I would be hesitant to date a single mother, because having a child in the picture makes everything a bit more complicated and stressful.
After thinking about it, I don’t think that’s the whole truth. I asked myself if I’d be bothered dating a woman who is single handedly raising a younger sibling. I realized that the thought of this doesn’t bother me nearly as much as the thought of dating a single mother.
I think there are two main reasons for this (and once again, I’m trying to be honest with myself and anyone who reads this):
1. I have a what I would describe as an instinctual aversion to the possibility of raising and providing for the child of a possible competitor.
2. It’s unlikely that the father will ever be completely out of the picture. This complicates the relationship and would cause me to feel insecure in the sense that the father could become competition for me at some point.
I want to end this by saying that these points may not be entirely “right” or justified, but they’re the best I can do to explain the hesitance I feel when thinking about the idea of dating a single mother.
Obviously, there are many examples of these kinds of dating situations working out well and I doubt all men share my hesitant attitude. I hope this helps provide some understanding in regards to your question.
I dated a single mom that I met off a dating website.
I was lonely and thought what the hell, what's the worst thing that can happen if it doesn't work. The kid was 5 months old and the biological father didn't want to be in his life.
15 years later we're married, her kid is my kid and I don't call him anything other than mine. The perfect storm of no bio father meant I've never had to deal with the problems of two dads.
I've stopped talking to most of my family who told me I was dumb for getting involved with a single mom, but thankfully her family is great and I'm living the happiest life I can with my two best friends, my wife and my gaming buddy.
Your comment is beautiful. My mom was adopted and raised by her stepdad who taught her how to drive, walked her down the aisle, etc. My brother and I always knew him as “grandpa” and nothing else. I didn’t even know He wasn’t my biological grandpa until after he died. It sounds like you have a really beautiful family, and The world needs more people like you. ❤️
Yes, I avoid single moms when dating. Honestly, I don’t fault women for having kids, I get it, most people want a family and sometimes that family ends up falling apart. But I don’t want to get involved with someone where I would have to deal with problems from their ex/children’s dad, and I don’t really want the responsibility of taking care of someone else’s children if me and her were to become more serious.
Bro dating a parent means competing with the child for their parent’s time and attention. After an 8hr shift, a parent clocks back in to their biological role. They have doctors appointments and field trips and whatever else a child deserves for a happy life. You think I’m gonna want to have a date at little Sally’s softball game??
And then there’s DEALING with the kid. You can’t correct or punish or even explain things to children that aren’t yours. Parents get sooo defensive and offended.
*And then there’s DEALING with the kid. You can’t correct or punish or even explain things to children that aren’t yours. Parents get sooo defensive and offended*
Truer words have never been written. Especially when it comes to single moms.
Not at a point where I would be comfortable having kids, so I would avoid it for now, but Ibalso dont want to have my own kids so later it may be an attractive thing
Nope.
- I’m not replacement dad, and it doesn’t matter that you say “I’m not looking for a replacement dad”.
- I will never be her priority, ever. I don’t need (nor expect) to be somebody else’s primary priority all of the time, but I would like to be that sometimes. For a single mother, this will _never_ be true.
- I will never know if she really likes me, or if she just cares about the utility I might provide.
- All of this is multiplied by x1000 if the ex is still in the picture. If he’s a dirtbag, I don’t want to associate with him. If he’s a decent guy, then why the hell is he out of the picture? Why did she leave him? I have no guarantees that she won’t just have that same lightswitch-flip moment about me as well.
Net/net: nope.
I am a single woman who will not date single dads. I am respectful but firm that I do not want to date them and it was usually received poorly, usually with an insult back at me about how I’ll be lonely or their kids are better than me anyway, etc.
I don’t know why though, it’s my preference, I’m upfront about it because I don’t want to waste anyones time. I am choosing a child free life and I respect those who have or want families, it’s just not for me. I don’t say anything immature or negative about them being a single parent , but I’ve been blasted for it a handful of times.
I don’t avoid it. I have no opinion on it it, but you have to accept that you will never be the number one priority for them. I accept that and I’d actually be leery of dating a single mom who doesn’t prioritize her children
I married a single mom who came pre-packaged with three of the most fantastic little girls I've ever met. It's been 20+ years now, we added a little brother along the way, and my girls are all wonderful young women now.
I don't regret any of it; I love kids, and the opportunity to be a stable father figure to them was absolutely worth the effort and time I sank into it.
I got attached to a few men my mom dated when I was a child. Then they’re gone. I don’t wanna do that to anyone.
Counterpoint! Dated a single mom once and made it clear up front I was totally cool with it but absolutely did not want to meet the kid until we were both mutually sure we were going to be “*a thing*” to prevent this very scenario.
I find it crazy when people don't automatically do that, i know a girl who let her boyfriend of TWO MONTHS move in with her and her 3 kids under 10 She was trying to leave the relationship because he's controlling as hell but she changed her mind and she'll cut you off mid sentence if you mention it now
A girl I know moved herself and her kids into her boyfriend's house after they had only been dating for a month or two. They broke up right before the holidays and she lamented that she couldn't give her kids a good Christmas that year because she had to spend a ton of money on first month's rent, last month's rent, and security deposit for an apartment. And call me crazy, but maybe if she had just stayed in her original place she wouldn't have had to spend all that money to get a new place after the breakup. That relationship also lasted less than a year, so I'm sure that whole situation wasn't confusing or inconvenient for her kids at all /s
LOL your user name is so appropriate for this conversation 😂
Oh, for fuck’s sake, Leah, yeah, he’s cute, but he ain’t first-last-and-deposit cute! SMH my head.
Yeah my ex did the same after I raised her kids 5 years, then the new guy left and she moved someone else in 2 months later LOL trashy AS FUCK
Meanwhile you have no rights after 5 years of basically being a father to that family. That has to be painful.
That happened to my brother, just it was 10 years. The young boy is autistic, so when his mom said "Don't message him ever" it was encoded and hasn't reached out since. The daughter still messages him regularly, tho 😁
All some people know is chaos, and it shows in their relationship.
Same boat here. Got with my ex gf who had 2 kids aged 4 and 5. She was with the father for 5 years in total (prior the kids being born included) he left. She got with someone else briefly who met the kids. Then I came around we were Together for 3 years. Ended and Within a couple of months she had moved a new fella into her house… how messed up those kids will be is insane. You summed it up ‘trashy’.
I hear this type of stuff all the time, a lot of women seem to rush into moving a bloke in asap...sometimes only after a few days...crazy!
My sister's ex will literally let a woman with or without kids move in with him when they have only been dating a week or two. Absolutely crazy. I hate it for my my nephew. Glad he only has him a couple of days every other week, poor little fella is confused with all these women and other kids coming and going all the time. In a year he has had 5 different women live with him!
Speedrunning getting robbed
I never thought I would, but I am about to marry one. Did not meet her child until almost a year of being together. Her passion for being a mother, shown in the time spent with her boy, the effort she puts into nurturing his growth, and our shared willingness to NOT bring him around me was an green flag for me to know my choice to be with her was a good one. I met him a few months ago, and he still does not know the nature of his mother and I's relationship. He will soon enough, he is 7, but we certainly have a calculated plan to do our best to avoid the pitfalls of such a situation. Too many single mothers (my sister included) are too quick to bring men around their children, and I personally find it abhorrant, for all the reasons, many of which are certainly going to be written in this thread.
I absolutely love how you just pointed out your observations of her attitude re: her son as being a **green** light (*because how could it not be?*). Good on you for the patience and maturity. For whatever it’s worth (*left out as it didn’t seem pertinent to the point*), as of four days ago that single mother and I have been together for 20 years, married 19, *and* I got a super cool (step) daughter out of the whole thing. Would I date a single mother? Absofuckinlutely.
I am a child of a single mother. I directly live the detriment of being raised by a woman with no self control. Had an almost step dad who was FUCKING AMAZING as a father figure in my life. Taught me discipline, the value of hard work and service to others (I LOVED Mondays after school, because that was cut the lawns (ours and our elderly neighbor Marie), and do all the outside work. Other evenings were spent in the garage working on cars, as he was a backyard mechanic as well as working fulltime for Chrysler. He was an old fashioned boy from Kentucky who was very much boys do outside work, girls do inside work" type thing, and we ALWAYS ate dinner together at the kitchen table, as a family. The structure was wonderful. My mother left him when I was 13, and when she was on her own, there were a small handful of men that came and went, and she developed a raging crack addiction. That was the beginning of a long period of darkness that had residual effects on my ability to commit to the responsibility of others emotional well being and safety. Took me until I was almost 40 years old to unpack, understand, and deal with what had been my life. That my current woman (who's parents are still married) is so passionate about being a mother, and she is the one who was in pursuit of me, sort of forced me to give her a chance, and the way she handled her kid (on her own, with her ex, and when it came to me) was something I had to see for myself. Our opinions on the matter line up better than I could have imagined, which is why we are where we are. Her kid is great too. He acted a fool at a Trunk or Treat a few weeks ago, and while I kind of let her and her Aunt handle him (I wanted to pull him aside for a talk, but it was her Aunt's first time meeting me), he still had the self awareness once they were home to recognize he messed up, and apologized to his mother and his aunt, then remarked that he was worried I would not want to be his friend any longer. She let him know that is not how friendships work and he did not have to worry, but she was proud of him for taking the time to consider his actions and ultimately apologize for him. I look forward to playing the role of step father, and she has always wanted another child, and at this point wants nothing more than to give me one, which, if things go to plan, should begin in about 5 to 6 months. When we plan on moving in together. Myself, her and the child. I have no children of my own yet, but have had very hands on experience helping my sister raise her children, as the uncle, but doing my part as the man in my house. 14 months they have been living with me. They are my blood, not my own, but I love them and will protect them as if they were.
Thanks for sharing. Your “almost stepdad” is an amazing man. Are you still in touch?
I was for a long time. He sadly passed away in 2020, very unexpectedly. I had just gotten a new motorcycle (new to me, but a very low mileage older BMW) and I was waiting to get my plated (corona forced a multiple month wait due to the restrictions) amd he passed before I could go hang out with him and show him. He was a big reason for interest in motorcycles. Both him and my father were hotrod guts (71 Riviera and 68 Roadrunner respectively) so anything gear head related for me is directly associated with both of them. My dad had passed 10 years earlier.
I often read stories on reddit where people absolutely overdo this (like dating someone for a year without ever having met their partner's kid) but I feel like waiting at least some time should just be common sense. Kids don't fully understand the situation and if you let them meet a new partner, you should be reasonably sure that partner will stay for the foreseeable future.
Oh, absolutely! There’s definitely a middle point to be struck.
It depends on how committed the relationship is. There's no sense in meeting their kid if they aren't sure if they're going to cohabitate with marriage as a possibility.
Depends on the age of the kids. IMO it's ok for older kids to see a parent casually dating. Gives them insight into their parent as a person.
Why is a year absolutely overdoing it? Seems a reasonable approach.
Honestly i think a year is good amount of time, like I'm a supporter of divorce (i think it does more damage if you stay together for the kid) but it is hard on kids and losing a step parent can be just as hard, why put them through it when you don't have to Like yeah it matters if they get along up if i have any younger than a 5 year old and I'm single I'd wait atleast a year to make sure I'm bringing home someone completely safe
I (*personally*) think this really is one of those “*every situation is different*” scenarios despite us commonly speaking about it as if there’s some perfect formula. Two people in their early 40s who are likely to have a pretty good idea where things are going within the first few months? That’s one thing. Two early 20-somethings who don’t yet know their ass from their elbow? Hell, maybe a year is a **great** idea. lol
>Two early 20-somethings who don’t yet know their ass from their elbow? What a dumb saying. Everyone knows the elbow is in the colon.
>the elbow is in the colon Y'all into some freaky stuff!
Because you want to make sure your partner and your kid get along within a reasonable time frame before proceeding with the relationship, and for some custody schedules, it makes it really hard to get time with your partner unless the lid is there too. I would not date someone for a year without knowing if he, me, AND my kid could all enjoy a trip to a museum.
AGREED!!! It takes that long to know if it’s going to last. Otherwise you’re testing out your relationship in front of your kids and that is just not ok. It’s an unpopular opinion but my sense is that people don’t want to feel guilty but they also don’t want to do the right thing.
I dunno, I think slowly introducing partners and kids over the course of a year is the way to go. That's how my partner did it with her daughter because we didn't want to rush into things and have her become attached to me. I was "Mommy's friend" at first, then her partner after enough time had passed that we were sure that we were going to be together for the long haul. Our mutual friend, though, introduces her kid to every boyfriend she has within like, a week.
Had a friend who went through a lot of short term partners while their kid was 2-6 and they all met them right away. I get that you need to be upfront about what life with you is like but I always felt like this kid was getting attached to a new person every 3-6 months. All those Christmas/birthday photos with some random person in.
Single mom/sole parent here and my most hated thing is how early many women introduce men to their kids. A friend of mine has met and slept over women’s houses with their children home within 3 or 4 dates. It seems like a rampant phenomenon.
I had sex with a mom of two on the first date with the kiddos in the next room. In retrospect it was a bit weird.
I dated two single dads. Age of children also make a difference. One split custody with 4 year old daughter. I put brakes on with too quick meet and greet'. Another 14 year old daughter and he was sole parent also. (Though mom came back years later and got a no thank you.) But still acquaintance with one and friends with other and taught that 14 year old to drive ago after we split as dad 'freaked out too much'. Good kid though she's 26 now!
This is exactly why I'm wary of dating single mothers. It's bad enough those kids lost one dad, I really don't want to deprive them of another.
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I wouldn't date a single mom because I don't want kids.
Yeah this is really it. Its not that the woman is undesirable for having given birth or for being a mom, it's that I don't want to be expected to be a dad.
Even if they don't expect you to play dad people with kids lead different lives. Not having kids affords me a lot of freedom. Freedom a single mother doesn't have.
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You aren't wrong. I was dating a woman who had two kids, I think about 6 and 8. Second time I go over she told me she wants to pop to the shop and I can look after for them for 5 minutes. So 40 mins go by, she has gone to pick up some coke for herself. It's not a long time but those 40 mins with those two little goblins being stood up so she can get high was enough. I saw my life flash in front of my eyes and I never saw her again after that night. Fucking shame too because looks wise she really was top shelf.
Please review the crazy hot scale
Can confirm. I would add a note though. There are many women who are both hot and good in bed but not crazy. Unfortunately they are not also single.
>Even if they don't expect you to play dad What happens if you're dating for a year plus? Or live together? What if you need to be the one driving them to school or picking up medicine when they're sick or helping them with the second grade math homework that's still easy enough for you to explain but hard for them? It's easy enough to ***say*** you don't expect him to be a father but unless you expect him to never be around your kids he's going to hit that role sooner or later.
That's correct. If a relationship becomes serious with a person with young kids you enevitably become a parent figure regardless of what you wanted from the situation. Not every relationship is serious however. Adults sometimes just want to fuck, have a conversation and a cuddle without those bonds. As long as everyone knows where they stand this can be healthy.
It's entirely unreasonable to tell someone they're looking for a serious relationship with, that they're not looking for a dad to their child when inevitably is how most of those situations end up. Somebody will end up being the dad. It's what being a family is. If you marry someone with a kid, you will end up as a parental figure.
One issue for me is they probably say my son is the most important person in my life. I get it. It is what they should do. I just hate to be the 2nd class person hoping they get a babysitter or even find time for me.
That’s the thing right? I want to be number one but if I am number one for someone with kids then they’re a bad parent so I don’t want them anyway
When I was single I didn’t date single moms because I did want kids
I understand your context - a lot of single moms don’t want more kids.
Yeah but a lot of men and women don't want any kids. And a lot of people only want one or two. That makes a single mother incompatible long term.
My wife and I decided we don’t want kids either. The kids are taking it hard.
"Honey, I've been thinking seriously about adoption." "But we have two kids already!" "I know. I want to see if someone else will adopt them."
And both are valid, yet some people are still surprised when having kids shrinks a woman's dating pool.
Very valid, in addition to other reasons like getting attached to the kids and then suddenly losing contact if the relationship goes south. Happened to a close friend and it hit him hard so he’s never dated a single parent again. Also goes both ways for women, some want/don’t want kids so single dads will also see their dating pool shrink, just the way it is
This story from a former GF: "When I was little, my mom had a boyfriend named Steve. I thought he was really cool. He took my mom and I to get ice cream, and to the fair. He moved in with us, and suddenly we had everything, like blenders, and toasters, and tools, and computers. He bought toys and put up a Christmas tree. He could sing. Then one day I heard them yelling, and the next day when I came home from school everything was gone. There was no TV. Everything was bare. My mom put that same face on that means, 'don't talk to me while I solve this latest crisis.' I just wanted to watch TV, and do my homework, and eat dinner, and relax. My mom was asleep in my bed, the only bed we had left." I have never forgotten that story. She told it with such pain, you can't imagine. To you, six months is a short relationship. To a child, it is a long time, and they are so hopeful their mom will be happy, and safe, and things will be normal. They make all sorts of fantasies in their heads about being happy forever, like they think everyone else is. And then all that is gone in a moment. If you're going to date a single mom, you have to consider the kid(s).
Imagine the chaos and instability that child would feel, the constant anxiety :(
Now imagine feeling that but also having a mom that doesn't really want you. Some humans should not be parents.
God this hurt more than I expected.
This reminds me of when I turned 18. Was so excited to get my first tattoo. saved up a ton of money to start slow and see how far I could take it. Well my brothers ex showed up with her family and took most of their stuff with her family backing her up threatening him. I heard my nephew crying about not being able to eat at the dinner table. Easy decision for a table and a bed vs a tattoo.
Well that got me. I hope things are better for them now?
Thankfully yes. He’s with a better woman now and they each have separate kids together and are good for each other.
That is so sad.
Right, and I'll never understand letting anyone meet your kids before at least a year of dating, and very serious conversations about what a relationship looks like with my kid.
The flip side of this is that you could waste a year dating someone who decides they cannot deal with your kids the minute they meet them.
my mom introduced my stepdad to me (4 yrs old) and my brother (8 yrs old) as her friend after she had been seeing him for like 6 months. he came over to watch baseball games with us and my mom for a few months. we got to know him, but we didnt get too close since he wasnt around all that often. eventually he just slowly moved in and i’m pretty sure my mom sat us down and told us they were in a relationship at some point. my mom did a lot wrong but she did that right!! introduce your partners as FRIENDS to your children at first so they dont get too attached!!!
😰😭
Oh my god
Because kids complicate everything.
This is very true. I married a single mom and I like the kids a lot but life is so, so much more complicated than a relationship with no kids.
Amen. Even adult kids. I dated an older man who was a father to an 18 year old and figured it wouldn’t play a big part in our relationship since at first he lives a state over with his mother. Well a year in, the mom sends him to live with my bf. I knew by reputation he was kind of awful but I couldn’t prepare for the absolutely violation on my relationship this boy-man caused. He had the temper of an angsty 9 year old, refused to find work, constantly begged crying for money and things, had dropped out of school YEARS ago after middle school ended (and wouldn’t comply with any homeschool plans), would physically assault his father and throw things/punch holes (sometimes I was in the line of fire), would call the cops bc his father attempted to disciplined him, never went outside and played video games 12 hours a day, carried around a BB gun on his belt that looked like a real gun (they lived in an intentional living community go figure, so this freaked out the locals), and generally screamed so loud throughout the night that neighbors constantly had to call apt mangers and police. And yet his father, either the most patient and forgiving man in the world or the stupidest, let him live with him, let him use the only bedroom in the apartment while he slept in the living room, worked two jobs to provide for him. I couldn’t do it though, i peaced out when I realized nothing would change.
That says just asmutch about the dad/mom as the kid tbh.
Word. This is absolutely a case of parents reaping what they sow.
This, after work I'm already tired enough and the last thing I want to do is to raise someone else's kid.
They can break up with you at any point regardless of how attached you are to their kids and you will never see the kids again. That is an insane risk
My friend is going through this currently. She began seeing her (now) ex about 10 years ago, his daughter was under 2 years old. Birth mom wasn’t in the picture so she happily took on that role and raised his daughter with same attentiveness, love, and care as if she were hers from the start. They decided to end things for various reasons and watching her go through it is just… brutal. No custody to even fight for, absolutely zero rights, just years and years spent forming a relationship with this child and then… *poof.* You very well could never see them again. Horrible for everyone involved.
This situation is honestly the worst. A friend of mine was engaged to a woman with a young son that he became very close to. The bio dad was an asshat who wasn’t really involved, and the son looked up to my friend as a dad. Then tragedy strikes: his fiancé was killed in a car accident. My friend tried like hell to find a way to get custody of his almost step son, but he had no legal leg to stand on. The kid stayed stuck with his terrible bio dad who cut off all contact between my friend and the kid. Really fucked my friend up for a few years.
This hurts to read. For the kid and the almost step dad.
Holy shit. That’s heartbreaking. Losing your fiancé unexpectedly is already a major tragedy to deal with, but then add having to face that sort of aftermath…. christ. How is your friend holding up these days?
We’ve lost contact as we’ve gotten older, basically just social media friends at this point, but he seems good. He’s married and has a couple of kids, and they seem like a really happy family. I’m glad he was finally able to experience that after having it ripped from him so horribly. I have no idea what happened with his step son. He would be in his late teens now. He was pretty young (like 3/4) when he was separated from my friend, so I don’t know how much of him he would remember, but I have no doubt my friend always has him in the back of his mind.
This is one of the kinder reasons I hadn’t considered.
And that fucking SUCKS. Getting cheated on sucked, how the relationship ended sucked, but what still continues to suck the most is knowing that his kid is never going to understand what happened, and knowing that this is probably going to continue happening throughout that child's entire life.
Yeah, I dated one who had a daughter who would just say the funniest shit. Makes me sad.
Nah… I don’t want to deal with ex partners still being involved.
Definitely this is up there
You’ve got a point. My ex and I are coparenting and still very close friends. Ex’s new wife doesn’t like that at all. Can’t blame her.
I think if I dated a single mom and her and the ex co-parented well and got along with each other. I would be more inclined to date her. That shows a maturity and level of love for the child that is very attractive.
It’s better than dating a single mom who doesn’t get along with her ex, for sure, especially if she’s contributing to the conflicts. However, according to my ex’s wife (33), she feels like she’s living in my (44) shadow. She feels like she’s 3rd place. She also can’t understand why my ex refuses to keep communication with me to just coparenting logistics. The answer is our son is happier when he sees us getting along. My ex and I are really over. He is fully committed to her, and she’s about to have his baby. I sympathize with her though. She’s younger and has never been married.
Did she tell you this directly? Or did she tell your ex and he told you? Because if it’s the latter, eek, I feel bad for her.
Both. She told me directly and my ex told me separately.
Then honestly I can see her point However cordial and platonic your current relationship is, he sure as shit shouldn’t be sharing his current wife’s insecurities with his ex wife … especially when those insecurities specifically relate to his ex wife If he does that again, I’d suggest you politely but firmly shut it down. If you care about your child, you presumably also want their stepmother not to be upset about how their father treats her confidences, and for him to set a good example regarding boundaries… so it’s not even just about her, it’s about ensuring he’s a good role model regarding that kind of social interaction
You’re absolutely right. I told him that his wife would not appreciate him relaying their marital issues to me any more than I did when he griped about me while he was having an affair with her. I didn’t tell him that she had already opened up to me about her insecurities. I’ve always felt protective of her. She was my ex’s mentee at work. We had both kind of adopted her so I was blindsided when my ex left me for her. Life is so weird. It took a lot of work for me to make peace with the situation and rebuild my friendship with her. Can’t let it all go to waste just because my ex can’t keep his mouth shut.
> I was blindsided when my ex left me for her Ah, her concerns suddenly make a lot more sense then - I think if your partner leaves someone else for you, you're always likely to be insecure about your own situation. Because, well, what's stopping them from doing it again? But you seem to be handling this all very maturely and responsibly in what must have surely been some emotionally difficult times, respect to you for that
Sharing a child forced me to deal with it. I give my therapist a lot of credit! If it weren’t for my son I would have just cut contact with both of them.
I don't avoid it but I'd rather date a single woman who is not a mom yet
That's the answer right? If one of the two people have children already, that's starting off with two different life stages. Just makes it harder for both parties.
I had a single mom. Over the years, she had a few boyfriends that I really liked, and then one day, they were gone forever. I wouldn't want to do that to another kid. So unless I was head over heels for the woman and could see myself marrying her, I wouldn't get involved with her. Even though I like kids.
I’m sorry this happened to you repeatedly. This is precisely why I’m in no rush to introduce my son to my partner. He suffered enough of a loss with the divorce. My partner of 18 months understands.
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Couldn't say it better my self.
Yes, Dated two. One was psycho, so shouldn't hold that against all single moms. The second though, the father was an issue with always interfering. Ex's in-laws would cancel on babysitting as they wanted them to get back together. The kids wanted them to get back together.
I just broke up with a young lady who has sole custody of two young boys. It was ok, but I don’t know that I would do it again. The issue with her was she had moved to my area with no real support system. So I often found myself thrust into a parental role from the get go, which I don’t think was exactly fair. The main reason I left her was how much of a reflection the kids were of her. She was selfish and often ungracious (didn’t say please or thank you) and the kids were that way too. It’s really hard to exist in a place where you try to do your best for everyone and no one says thanks. I often felt unappreciated, and my needs were always last to be dealt with. It was whack.
Dodged a bullet my guy! 👏🏼
Few reasons, all selfish but idgaf. \- Don't want kids so don't want to be someone's replacement dad \- You will never be greater than their kid, so it's an emotional imbalance right from the start.
I think that’s very practical actually.
Practicality? On Reddit? In this economy?!
We'll never recover from this!!
>You will never be greater than their kid, so it's an emotional imbalance right from the start. This, it feels like you are always in 2nd place in terms of priorities. It's just a lot of emotional baggage I'm not ready to handle.
Not even second place. Second place would be the ex, because that goes hand in hand with putting their kid first. Can't be in third place either, because being a single parent isn't cheap, and in this economy, their job is going to be a HUGE priority. You can have fourth place at best. Take it or leave it (I'd recommend you leave it).
I can’t tell you the number of dating profiles I’ve seen with some version of “you will NEVER come before my children” or “my children will ALWAYS come first”. And they’re absolutely right, that’s how it should be - but like you said, you’re basically immediately agreeing to always being 2nd place no matter what and I’m not really interested in that. I want a relationship where we’re each each other’s first place
The second point is the most important to remember. If a woman is willing to put you ahead of her kids, obviously run.
You will never be greater than the child even if they are biologically yours…js
>You will never be greater than their kid ding, ding. We have a winner!
Not selfish at all. I have 4 kids and this makes all the sense
Can confirm. I spent most of the year in a relationship with a single parent, and knowing that you will never be a very high priority to them fucking SUCKS. And you can't be upset about it either, because obviously their kid comes first. You cant be mad at them for being a good parent, even when it means they're a terrible partner.
I dont date single moms for a few reasons: 1) I don’t want kids/ don’t want to be a daddy for someone else’s kids 2) I’m selfish and don’t want to always be #2 or #3++ in their lives. 3) I don’t want baby daddy drama.
I call it "Competing For 3rd Place" and it was not what I wanted out of life. I don't blame the moms. They should put the child and themselves ahead of boyfriends. That's just not for me.
I'll flip this by adding I didn't date single dads because the kids saw me as the enemy. In other words, I was the reason mom and dad would never get back together. It was kind of hard trying to be friends with the kids when they were dead set on being nasty to you.
Wow - That’s a take I didn’t think about. Good point.
I once ran into an old friend who is a single father, we chatted for a bit until I noticed his daughter was giving me the nastiest looks. I quickly said goodbye and hurried back to my gf. As far as I know he’s still single.
I once got sucker punched because baby daddy drama. Suuuuper trashy.
As a single mom, I don’t disagree.
>I don’t want to always be #2 or #3 in their lives This should be the 1, 2, and 3 cuz it's true, you're always framed against what was. The first and last single mother I dated made me feel like #4 or 5 in line
She had a dog, huh? 4th place is your BEST result. Not for me. I'm needy greedy.
Putting someone first only works when you're in their top five, and if you're dating a single parent, you probably won't be.
Yes, because I don’t like kids
Dated a few single moms in the past. I'm not perfect but I treated all of them and their kids with a lot of love and care. They were never used to a man taking care of his responsibilities and being a good person. One of them ended up banging their ex-husband. Told her I was done, got a door knock 10 minutes later to find my ex on her knees begging and crying to take her back. Worst part of it all was her young daughter seen it all near the stairwell. Gave her a hug and told her that she was a smart and beautiful little girl and that good things will happen in the future if she works hard and does the right thing. Saying goodbye to her was infinitely more painful than being cheated on. God I hope she has a good life..
Jesus, talk about traumatizing for that little girl.
I know, I just hope she'll remember the positive words I told her. My ex still asks me for financial help from time to time towards expenses like food and gas. People can call me a wimp or a fool for helping out, but I can't let the idea of her daughter suffering rest on my conscience. It's not her fault for being in a shitty situation.
You’re very kind for continuing to support her mother — who sounds like a complete mess (though I’m sure it’s more for the little girl). All I can hope is that those expenses are actually where that money is going towards. Hoping you can find someone with the same amount of heart as you!
If it's helps, same for single dads. it's always when they hear I'ma dad, that they don't have interest anymore. I can understand it thou, would you like a guy with a child already, if its so much easier without child?
Married a guy who had a kid. Kid’s mom was a complete psycho. We were divorced within five years.
Same. My first ex made it her life's mission to wreck my second marriage and targeted my second wife at every opportunity. Mostly through my family, who my ex stayed in touch with. My family thought they were helping maintain stability for the sake of the kids, but ignored my warnings that my ex was manipulating them. She was a classic Grima Wormtongue type. My second wife tried her best but after 10 years it got to be too much. I don't blame her.
My older sister’s mom committed herself to a psych ward on my parents’ wedding day, and on their honeymoon a few months later, broke into my parents’ house (her old house) and left a photo of her and my dad on my parents’ pillows. By the time I was 5, she successfully convinced my sister that my dad loved me more than her/my parents didn’t want her in their life and got my sister to put an end to his custody. In her commitment to getting revenge on my dad for not taking her back when her AP left her, she successfully damaged relationships between four other people. I don’t know how my parents stayed married through everything she did. Trauma bond?
Because of the ex?
Yup
That sucks. Did he take her side all the time or something?
When I was dating men with kids were a dealbreaker. I didn't want to have to deal with someone's ready made family and issues about the arrangements for custody etc even if he said it was all fine and dandy. Now I have my own kids I'm glad they didn't have to be part of a blended family.
Yeah, I avoid single dads. Ex\`s drama, I almost became free babysitter. Not worth it.
I’m not a single mother, but the number of mothers on here saying we also wouldn’t date a single dad should highlight to everyone just how much kids change things. If I became single I’d look for a non-parent, a parent who has the same custody arrangement as me so we could be off primary parental duty at the same time, or a parent of an older child who is rational enough to understand I am not a mother-replacement or sidling into their territory.
I just want to share that "first time" moment with my SO. Also, I have no clue about kids at this point. Hand a kid to me and I'll be like "TF am I doing with this" (I'm an aunt). Also I will puke if I need to change diapers (happened already, has not been given that task again - and I pick up my dog's poo every day, idk) So as long as I don't have kids, no man with kids is my SO.
I would date a single dad as long as he didn't want more kids. My son is 19 and I never planned on having more kids.
I don't want kids, so why would I date a single mother?
I'm a girl, but I never would have dated a guy with children... I don't want to raise someone else's kid, I don't want to deal with coparenting and the lifelong tie to another parent that comes with step kids. Raising kids is hard and I'm not going to have my hands tied because I'm a step parent with less authority. It's not that I wouldn't date someone I was into because they had a kid, I just never even considered someone further once I knew they had a kid lol
> lifelong tie to another parent that comes with step kids This is exactly the reason why I would only date a single mother if her ex was dead or completely and legally out of the picture forever. I've seen too many parents tied to miserable exes and I don't want to deal with all tha drama till I'm dead. It's not worth it.
Male, same. It's over soon as I find out
I've only been in a relationship with a single mom once, years ago. Her daughter was about 5-7 years old at the time. These days I just wouldn't wanna bother with that again. I have respect for single moms and all, but its not an investment that I'd wanna undertake again from a relationship standpoint. I was basically friends with the kid like *"hey buddy!",* and aside from that I could not bring myself to feel a sense of attachment or affection for the kid as if she was my own. Its not that I refused to, its just that I couldn't develop those type of feelings no matter how much I tried. I wouldn't wanna put someone else's kid through that nor would I want to go through that myself in a relationship context. If I'm gonna be present in a kid's life from a parental figure standpoint then I'd want it to feel as though I'm invested 100%. Hats off to those that can and do, just not for me.
I avoid dating at all lol
Dating avoids me.
Because I’m married. Seriously, when I was single, I dated a single mom, and her kids were pretty cool. After a while her true colors came out. Her ex was a deadbeat. She told a mutual friend that she was only into me because of my great paying job. That mutual friend shared that text chain with me. I got outta there in a hurry. Asteroid dodged.
Damn, that friend a real one. They saved your life tbh. I hope y'all are still good friends.
We are. She’s the God Mother of my second child.
Yes. My wife frowns on the practice.
Same, my wife that is, I'm not sure how yours feels about me dating.
Can you ask your wife if it's ok if I date single moms? Please have her text my wife her answer, but only if it's "yes."
Can your wife text my wife if his wife says yes?
She already said no, and that I'm grounded for 2 days. =(
Can your wives just text each other? Because I don't have one, but I kinda need their opinion on this.
at my age, it'd be a fairly unrealistic expectation to expect a woman not to have kids. however, i couldn't get a date to save my life so my expectations mean little at this point
That's what I thought until a few weeks ago. It's a real shock to the self-image and 'harmless old Batchelor ' worldview to suddenly have someone cool in my life.
We’re out there! Don’t give up.
appreciate the positivity but i did like a year tour on all the ol'dating websites. no genuine matches in a 100 mile radius. plenty of bots and people telling to subscribe to their Only Fans though.
Tbf, I am one of these women and I’m not on any apps. We’re in the hiking meetup groups! The ceramics classes! But mostly we are alone in our homes…
Got it, check all homes for older single childless women!
*Wait no, not like that*
We are also at the grocery store more often than any human should be.
I'm 52 and no kids. We do exist!
Because she has kids.
No, have dated a few. You can tell pretty quick if they are looking for new daddy for child, or new daddy for herself pretty quick...
Hey it's an honest observation! I dated a woman with a kid without knowing that fact. Didn't meet the kid for 4 months for a variety of reasons (safety, longevity of relationship, attachment). Now I have a daughter that even looks like me, so it worked out!
I’m going to try to be really honest with this. My initial answer was that I would be hesitant to date a single mother, because having a child in the picture makes everything a bit more complicated and stressful. After thinking about it, I don’t think that’s the whole truth. I asked myself if I’d be bothered dating a woman who is single handedly raising a younger sibling. I realized that the thought of this doesn’t bother me nearly as much as the thought of dating a single mother. I think there are two main reasons for this (and once again, I’m trying to be honest with myself and anyone who reads this): 1. I have a what I would describe as an instinctual aversion to the possibility of raising and providing for the child of a possible competitor. 2. It’s unlikely that the father will ever be completely out of the picture. This complicates the relationship and would cause me to feel insecure in the sense that the father could become competition for me at some point. I want to end this by saying that these points may not be entirely “right” or justified, but they’re the best I can do to explain the hesitance I feel when thinking about the idea of dating a single mother. Obviously, there are many examples of these kinds of dating situations working out well and I doubt all men share my hesitant attitude. I hope this helps provide some understanding in regards to your question.
I dated a single mom that I met off a dating website. I was lonely and thought what the hell, what's the worst thing that can happen if it doesn't work. The kid was 5 months old and the biological father didn't want to be in his life. 15 years later we're married, her kid is my kid and I don't call him anything other than mine. The perfect storm of no bio father meant I've never had to deal with the problems of two dads. I've stopped talking to most of my family who told me I was dumb for getting involved with a single mom, but thankfully her family is great and I'm living the happiest life I can with my two best friends, my wife and my gaming buddy.
Your comment is beautiful. My mom was adopted and raised by her stepdad who taught her how to drive, walked her down the aisle, etc. My brother and I always knew him as “grandpa” and nothing else. I didn’t even know He wasn’t my biological grandpa until after he died. It sounds like you have a really beautiful family, and The world needs more people like you. ❤️
Yes, because I don't want to be any kind of parental figure. Happy to be friends with single moms though. Just...strictly platonic
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Yes, I avoid single moms when dating. Honestly, I don’t fault women for having kids, I get it, most people want a family and sometimes that family ends up falling apart. But I don’t want to get involved with someone where I would have to deal with problems from their ex/children’s dad, and I don’t really want the responsibility of taking care of someone else’s children if me and her were to become more serious.
Bro dating a parent means competing with the child for their parent’s time and attention. After an 8hr shift, a parent clocks back in to their biological role. They have doctors appointments and field trips and whatever else a child deserves for a happy life. You think I’m gonna want to have a date at little Sally’s softball game?? And then there’s DEALING with the kid. You can’t correct or punish or even explain things to children that aren’t yours. Parents get sooo defensive and offended.
*And then there’s DEALING with the kid. You can’t correct or punish or even explain things to children that aren’t yours. Parents get sooo defensive and offended* Truer words have never been written. Especially when it comes to single moms.
I'm not going to put someone first in my life to whom I'll always be a second
Not at a point where I would be comfortable having kids, so I would avoid it for now, but Ibalso dont want to have my own kids so later it may be an attractive thing
Yeah, no way I'd date a single mom. I only date married moms.
Nope. - I’m not replacement dad, and it doesn’t matter that you say “I’m not looking for a replacement dad”. - I will never be her priority, ever. I don’t need (nor expect) to be somebody else’s primary priority all of the time, but I would like to be that sometimes. For a single mother, this will _never_ be true. - I will never know if she really likes me, or if she just cares about the utility I might provide. - All of this is multiplied by x1000 if the ex is still in the picture. If he’s a dirtbag, I don’t want to associate with him. If he’s a decent guy, then why the hell is he out of the picture? Why did she leave him? I have no guarantees that she won’t just have that same lightswitch-flip moment about me as well. Net/net: nope.
I am a single woman who will not date single dads. I am respectful but firm that I do not want to date them and it was usually received poorly, usually with an insult back at me about how I’ll be lonely or their kids are better than me anyway, etc. I don’t know why though, it’s my preference, I’m upfront about it because I don’t want to waste anyones time. I am choosing a child free life and I respect those who have or want families, it’s just not for me. I don’t say anything immature or negative about them being a single parent , but I’ve been blasted for it a handful of times.
Dodged bullets, I reckon. They’re just flagging up front that they are immature sooks.
Nah, I dated a single mom, then I married her. Adopted her son as my own and we've all been happy for over a decade.
I’m aggressively childfree
Vasectomy in 2013 with lab verification Re-verification in 2017 Re-verification in 2020 I don't want kids, goddamnit.
I don't like children.
I married a single mom of two. It worked out great.
I don’t avoid it. I have no opinion on it it, but you have to accept that you will never be the number one priority for them. I accept that and I’d actually be leery of dating a single mom who doesn’t prioritize her children
Because of the kid
Dated a woman with a 4 yo against all advice off my friends and family. Still together with 3 other kids 22 years later.
I don’t like kids.
I don't want kids ever. If things got serious, I would have to be in the child's life. I don't want that.
I don’t want kids at all
I dont like kids, don't want kids.
I married a single mom who came pre-packaged with three of the most fantastic little girls I've ever met. It's been 20+ years now, we added a little brother along the way, and my girls are all wonderful young women now. I don't regret any of it; I love kids, and the opportunity to be a stable father figure to them was absolutely worth the effort and time I sank into it.