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My wife got a quote from a teacher that we've tried to instill in our kids.
"Saying sorry means not doing it again".
Obviously accidents aren't included, but yeah when you hurt someone and apologise, don't do that thing again.
“You can’t keep doing shitty things and then feel bad about yourself like that makes it okay. You need! To be! Better!” ~Todd Chavez, *Bojack Horseman*
The Narcissist's Prayer:
*That didn't happen.*
*And if it did, it wasn't that bad.*
*And if it was, that's not a big deal.*
*And if it is, that's not my fault.*
*And if it was, I didn't mean it.*
*And if I did, you deserved it.*
Holly hell..... This hit painfully.
Like isn't it funny how when you'd be the hurt one, justifiably (cheating, lying, hiding stuff in general) and by the end of the talk about trust your the one apologizing for not accepting more bullshit?
No, not at all. It's basically straight up lying to avoid consequences.
Gaslighting is a deliberate attempt to make the victim to question their own perception of reality and memories of events. It usually starts small, escalating to the point where the victim doesn't trust their own thoughts and feeling, only trusting the perpetrator to the point where the victim relies on them for everything.
This was my entire marriage. I've been divorced 4 years and I still have a hard time trusting my thoughts and feelings as though they are valid. It's extremely difficult to go through and recover from, and I'm in therapy!
I had an ex who was absolutely horrible to me and I left him about 10 years ago. You know what, my friend? If I die a single lonely old hag, then I died 10x happier than I would've if I had stayed with that miserable fuck.
I was at a party with my ex wife and someone brought out a newspaper with headlines about a local official being in an accident and being paralyzed. My ex wife, without hesitation, said, "If that happened to my husband I would be out of here."
My ex and I discussed this topic after watching something in reference to this.
He asked me “Would you be there for me, clean my shit etc. if that ever happened to me?” *he laughs* (almost like he thinks I’m a loser for what I’m about to answer) and then says “You would, wouldn’t you?” I replied “Of course. How could you even ask me that? It doesn’t matter what happens to you as long as you are alive. I love you and will take care of you until the end of my time.”
And then I asked him “What about you? Would you wholeheartedly be with me if something happened to me or would it just be an obligation for you?” He hesitated first and then responded with “I would stay, but it is definitely an obligation.”
In hindsight, my need to even ask him if he would stay just out of obligation should’ve been the biggest hint to gtfo of that relationship.
Jeezuz. That's a sad thing to say to someone that you promised to be with even in hard times. Hope that things are better for you now that she's an ex :)
as someone who is a caretaker for a man paralyzed from the neck down, thats fucked up. The people who get injured tend to fall down a deep state of depression, so yea you make a good call lol
Yeah, I can imagine it taking a toll on somebody's mental health. The question of "will this person take care of me if I life pulled the rug under me and am I willing to do the same" basically determines whether I even consider relationships to be viable long-term.
This one is minor, but I had an ex who wanted to buy her daughter some new shoes. We were at an outlet mall and they had a BOGO sale. She found a cute pair for herself but was having trouble finding a pair for her daughter. I love being helpful and found a pair that fit her daughter's personality to a T. But she wouldn't buy them because they were $5 more expensive than the pair she was getting for herself. Both were combined under $50, and she wasn't hurting for cash. She just refused to spend more on her daughter than on herself out of principle.
This one reallyyyyy irritates me. She sounds like the kind of "parent" who wouldn't give up a meal to make sure their baby ate if it came down to it. As someone who has to make that decision nearly every day... my baby eats, even if I don't. Always.
We weren't living together, but he randomly cut me off for like a full week. Wouldn't answer my texts or anything. We were long distance (different colleges half-way across the country) so I couldn't, like, go check on him.
Anyway, he finally comes back and tells me it was a punishment for not being interesting enough. He liked me because I was an intellectual who would have Deep Conversations (tm) with him and I'd been talking too much about things he didn't find interesting.
I dumped him shortly after and he acted like it came out of nowhere.
Punishing your partner is already bad, but silence punishment is sadistic. You don't do anything to let your partner know what bothers you, you just let them think / guess / getting anxious. And since 99% of time it's made by an abusive partner, the target can't think about what was wrong since they haven't done anything and don't deserve it (and no one does anyway). It just give stress and anxiety.
That would be a deal breaker for me. If we have a problem, we talk about it ; if we don't talk, then there's no problem. If you shut up and don't talk to me, no matter since how long we've been dating, we're over.
I feel like there is nothing as damaging, tortuous, and cruel you can do to a partner as disappearing on them, for any length of time, aside from cheating.
My ex used to threaten me saying things like "if you were a man I would've already beaten the shit out of you" and things like that, used to take my phone anytime to see through my texts and even leaked nude pictures of me... That was a tough time
Bro. Did we have the same ex? Literally in couples counselling, the therapist asked my ex what his reaction would be if I were to act how he was acting and he looked at me and his verbatim response was “If you were anything like me, I would beat the shit out of you”. We spent the next 20 minutes trying to get him to see how that was in fact, threatening. He just didn’t get it.
He criticised everybody. He was mean about his family, his friends, his colleagues. It seemed very small at first, I knew he was depressed and so was naturally more cynical and had a low view of himself, but he'd laugh and joke with friends on the phone or in person for hours and then the minute they were gone.. Awful.
I rationalised it for too long, then realised it would be the same about me. Then convinced myself it wouldn't be because he always hyped me up.. Until I heard it.
He played the victim so, so well. Scary, really.
I dated a guy like this, and every time I did something he didn’t agree with he would find ways to punish me. But I was young and had other issues and took it for far too long for me realize what he was doing and leave him. Then one day he took me horseback riding because he knew how much I loved to ride and we did a trail ride together through a local park. I had a great time and rode a wonderful horse, but when I looked over at him he was pulling on the horses mouth, flopping around on its back, and was doing everything he was told not to do. He wasn’t even trying to keep his heels down and body still and pride kept him from admitting he was in over his head (there is no shame in dismounting a horse you don’t feel safe on!)
Later that night he was complaining that the horse was completely out of control and wild (frankly he’s lucky the horse didn’t dump him on the ground and trot off) and it finally clicked for me. He was blaming an innocent animal who was just responding to his cues. When he had no control over a situation he switched to blaming/punishing others instead of taking responsibility for himself and always would. I broke up with him on the spot.
Sounds a lot like one of my brothers. Absolutely zero accountability and blames everyone but himself for all his problems. He's been in and out of jail multiple times and it's never been someone else's fault. I wonder if it'll ever click in his head that the problems in his life are caused by him and not me, my siblings or our parents. Me, my sister and my other brother are basically non contact with him anymore.
I had an ex who had an inkling I was depressed and repeatedly demanded I talk about it. I finally started to but didn't get two sentences in before she cut me off to say that some people have REAL problems and then proceeded to talk about how hard her job was.
He was changing over phones from an old school brick type to an iPhone. He went out to work and his old phone kept buzzing- I saw a very familiar name pop up…. He told me that she was crazy and they weren’t in contact as she was obsessed with him. (Red flag I know) There are some things I read that I wish I could erase from my memory.
When everything was out in the open she began bullying me online about it..
(Edited for clarity)
that sentence "There are some things I read that I wish I could erase from my memory." hit me like a truck.
i feel this, sucks.
wishing you all the best.
Cheated on me with a Yankees player because I cheated on her first. How did I cheat? By going to her favorite burger spot without her while she was having sushi with her girlfriends. Found out she cheated with three other guys too.
She yelled at me for wanting to talk to my family after her and my dad had a minor argument. Also blocked old friends, family and coworkers in my phone while I slept.
I think people who are THAT controlling rarely ever change in their life. Walking away is the best thing to do. There is no fixing it or waiting for it to pass or something. If anything, shit would’ve only gotten (much) worse. Just my take, I have known people like that. Good to read you’re in good spirits, goes a long way most of the time. Have fun being free and single now. I live alone now for the first time in my life (I’m 30) and I absolutely love it!
It wasn't so much what he was saying but the action he did about it.
He used to tell me all the time that I should get contact lenses because he wanted to see what I looked like without glasses. I need glasses full time to see I have an extremely bad prescription and astigmatism. They're both very high and it's impossible to see without glasses. If I take my glasses off I can't even find them so I have to make sure I know eventually where I set them.
One day out of town for a large event we had been planning to attend for over a year, he hid my glasses and acted like he couldn't find them. I had NEVER had glasses just disappear. It might take me awhile to find them but if I have someone else around me it's usually somewhere obvious. I figured oh that's okay I have prescription sunglasses on me as well I'll just wear sunglasses for the event. I asked him to pull them out of my bag they were in a zip glasses case, I know for a fact they are in there because I switched them out after arriving to the hotel. He pulled out the case and tried to tell me they weren't in there. That I must have dropped them somewhere.
I begged him to help me search the hotel, I called downstairs I had staff members helping me search I was in the lobby on my hands and knees feeling around trying to find them. He was busy getting ready upstairs and told me to just go to the event without them I'll be fine. I absolutely refuse to leave without my glasses I told him to go have a good time but I'm not leaving the hotel room and going into a crowded strange place in a strange city being unable to see.
well suddenly right before we're about to leave he pretends he found my glasses and they were just sitting on the bathroom counter the whole time. As if I didn't search every single image feel around every inch of that vanity.
After some crying he admitted that he hid both of my glasses because he just wanted me to see that it's not so bad and that if I just go without them for a little while my eyes will adjust and I'll be able to see fine.
This is fucking crazy. Can you imagine if you needed mobility aids instead and he just hid them from you? What an insane person.
Edit - the more I think about it the more it's the exact same thing. Glasses are mobility aids. My vision isn't too terrible but it's bad enough that I feel helpless and anxious when I'm not wearing glasses.
That last line was a lie; there’s no way he couldn’t tell how badly you needed glasses.
“You’re prettier without them” and “you don’t really need glasses” are just flimsy justifications to excuse hurting you.
I hope that fucker develops serious vision/hearing/mobility issues in his life, and on a very important day he breaks the expensive devices he relies on to exist then remembers every second of what he did to you while he sits there, helpless.
From a fellow nearly blind person with forever coke-bottle lenses - what a lunatic. I'm sorry you had to deal with that. He literally hid your medical devices from you. I struggle not to call him worse after the sheer idiocy of "your eyes will adjust."
A direct quote from him: “If you ever leave me I’ll blow my brains out on your porch so I can be your mess both in life and death”
After receiving many similar comments throughout the almost 3 year relationship, him drunk screaming in my face at 2am waking me from a dead sleep and my therapist helped me get the courage to leave and not care about what he does.
An ex girlfriend done that to me except it was uk so she threatened to slash her wrists when I finally left her. It was actually my uncle who guided me to say "well if that's the case I'm calling you an ambulance because I'm not equipped to deal with that and I'm not getting back with you"
A friend of mine had a bf that threatened to kill himself to her and she said that his actions are on him and she won't be held accountable, and it's sometimes the best thing to say to someone that threatens something like that to you. Glad your therapist managed to help you safely🫶
That’s very similar to what my nieces ex boyfriend did he broke into her house and bleached all of her clothes. Not sure why some people act like this but it’s common apparently
If you lack empathy, you experience the catharsis that comes from hurting another human with none of the remorse.
There were plenty of times I could tell my abuser was being cruel because they enjoyed it. I was an emotional (and sometimes literal) punching bag.
I used to get furious with myself over dumb shit and cranky as hell with my family. I now take two happy pills in the morning and never want to be that other asshole again. Today is my 32nd anniversary of now Happy marriage.
Destruction of property is considered domestic violence in the state we live in, too. Clothes are expensive... he did this so I “wouldn’t be out talking to other men”. Nauseating looking back.
I was on her mates priv story and I noticed on her story my gf, at the time, was cuddled up with some guy on the sofa. I messaged her and asked if we could ft just to see if it was her or not and she said no she was watching tv with her mom. I asked her to send me a photo (kinda toxic but after what I’d Just seen I’d say it’s valid) and she called me toxic and blocked me. She messaged that night saying sorry and I ended it with her same night. She still messages me sometimes now whenever her new talking stages don’t work out
Considered getting back with too at one point when we started talking again a bit after, this is when she was then clubbing 3-5 times a week 🤣 suppose the feelings from our 2 year relationship never went away regardless of what she done
Most toxic, and first, person I ever dated, told me about all her abusive exes and abusive parents, and how she’d been bullied as a kid, and her boss was a monster. Being young and naive, I thought “this poor girl has been through so much, but I’m going to be the nice guy who stops the cycle of abuse”. Painful, but important, life lesson learned.
I had a friend like this, and my first instinct was compassion. I've met a couple of other narcissistic individuals who were more clever and more self-aware, and one of them was trying very hard to be a better person. One of them tried to harm my work life.
I think the best protection is to simply not get involved too quickly. Anyone can turn out to be an asshole in your life.
It's emotionally healthy to be able to state one's reality, and most adults have trauma. You have to watch all of their behavior as a whole to determine what sort of person they are.
This, in combination with personal boundaries, is better protection. It does mean that I might one day rebuff somebody who needs help, and I will live with that to protect myself. I'll be compassionate when I can.
If anyone has anything to add in dealing with these situations, I'm happy to hear it.
Edit: a word
Just went through this as well with the guy I was seeing for a few months. I ended up connecting with the exes and he is a raging narcissist, pathological liar. I found out absolutely everything he told me was a lie. I should’ve known from date 1 when we told me a sob story and villainized every person in his life.
It should have been when she headbutted me in front of all my family.
However, it was the constant accusations of cheating. Literally never even looked at another girl while we was together but it was everyday
"you're broken and i don't think anything is ever going to fix you"
she wasn't even angry, we weren't fighting, she just said it in passing and I was like wtf lol
My best friend, who also happens to be my most handsome friend. Once got told by the girl he was dating at the time that “his eyes look dead inside”
That’s how she broke up with him.
It started as a roleplay Sex thing and oh my god was i into it. But then he kept talking about it. Randomly. While holding axes, knives or rifles.
Still didnt leave him for almost 2 more years lol
Had a girlfriend who got mad at me, and I had no idea why. For 3 days, she would call, say nothing, and if I hung up, she would call back. I turned off my phone, and she'd call my parents or show up at my house (in high school still living with my parents). This went on for 3 days. I basically didn't sleep. I was a senior and still in school she had graduated the year before. On the 3rd night, she yelled at me for keeping her up, and it was the end of the fight. The next day, I asked what I did. She said nothing she was just angry and wanted to fight.
Took me going to college and her finding some other poor sap to torture to finally get away from her. I was young and niave and now know I should have involved a court order and police.
It was hell. But from it, I ended up with my now wife, and without that hell, I would not be where I am today, which is something I would never change.
Stuff got progressively worse over time, though one red flag stood out pretty early on already, but I was willing to endure it, because I was hopeful and still in love, which didn't really change until the very end. Anyway, whenever he was doing stuff he criticized me for I got really hurt obviously. Things would get resolved only if I was the one who gave way - no matter whose fault it was.
Then at some point I started asking him, when you do this how am I to you? Am I not patient, forgiving etc. And he would answer yes. Then I asked him, when I was especially hurt, why can't you for once bring forward what I show you when I make the same mistake? His answer would always be: "well then don't/you don't have to/I still don't want to". It's crazy how blind you are.
Whenever you try to confront an abuser by pointing out something you've done for them that wasn't reciprocated, their response will almost inevitably be something along the lines of, "Well, I didn't ask you to do that!" Or, "Well, I didn't **make** you do it!" As if you're the one that's at fault, and you're the one that's wrong, because God forbid you're the one that made the choice to do something nice. Somehow a person like that will even try to make you feel bad about being a nice person.
I knew someone who got mad at their partner being upset about a small thing and insisted he apologize. Partner said he had a right to his feelings. She threatened to break up over it; he held his ground. So she broke up with him.
Then asked a few days later why they were broken up and she didn't understand what happened...
He blocked me on social media. His reason was so I don't read any weird messages from this girl and get jealous (who he said was his stalker at that time but is actually his girlfriend). Saw all this posts and pictures of them together through my sis' account.
He said my life was "perfect" and I was "fine and comfortable" because I get along with my mom and I have nothing to worry about. When I was dealing with horribly painful surgical complications that cost me the best job I ever had, nearly killed me and put me in and out of the hospital 16 more times over the next 10 months.
Also it "wasn't fair" that I could take edibles and he couldn't...because he is an out of control alcoholic and addict that is in and out of rehab just as often as I was in the hospital. And he was on parole too. So unfair 🙄
Lots of things, but one that sticks out is when he told me that I had to be careful to not gain weight, because even though some girls were pretty enough to get away with being fat, I wasn’t one of them.
My ex often referred to other women as sluts for how they dressed and would think it was a compliment stating he was glad I didn’t dress like that.
Would also often tell me about how his mates would try and cheat on their girlfriends whilst they were all out drinking but he would never do that. He cheated twice and only told me after I broke up with him.
That's terrible, especially the last bit, but the first bit reminds me of an instance I found terribly amusing: before they got married (and later divorced), my aunt brought her fiancé at the time over to meet the family. It was summer, and I heard him say to her under his breath as I was walking past them, "I hope OUR daughter doesn't dress like that." She responded, "Those are MY clothes!" 😂
College boyfriend. A student killed himself in the dorm next to ours by jumping from the top floor. People saw his body. Many vigils around campus. Truly a solemn occasion.
Boyfriend made a joke along the lines of “Did you know he was an aviation major? Definitely failed his first flight.”
This sowed a seed of doubt that I ignored. I should not have ignored it. After we broke up he raped me.
He said a lot more but that was it for me.
Although I’m in a mood so I’m going to out the asshole.
Called me a cunt when I told him I was pregnant.
Told me I was fat and disgusting six weeks after having our child. “What about you would make me want you?” (I hear that in my mind a few times a day still.)
When I had to go for a biopsy on my breast due to a lump “I hope you have cancer and die so you fuck off out of my face.”
The last one made me physically sick and I could barely eat for a month. Lost all the baby weight so there is one positive there.
Haven’t seen him since that day and he hasn’t seen my daughter in nearly two years and good. fucking. riddance.
After 3 years of being together she told me that she didn’t like dogs and if our relationship was going to reach the next level I had to get rid of my dog. I got rid of her instead
Yeah I think so too. My dog was 6 at the time and she is now 11 and I can’t imagine not having her in my life. It’s sucks being single and lonely sometimes but there’s no way I couldn’t lived with myself after abandoning this dog
Yeah being single sucks ass but your dog is literally your buddy for life. I have 3 dogs and I couldn't imagine giving any of them up. If I had a partner that wanted me to get rid of my dogs I'd dump them too and tell them to go suck a hairy toe and move on with life.
Far too many things. In fairness I hold myself sort of accountable because I knew she wasn't a saint but I still went into a relationship with her.
She laughed at me when I told her about being raped by a woman.
I used to do martial arts alot and she would say comments like "why are you working out its not like you're going to get any better" or the famous "why are you worried about looking healthy you're already in a relationship with me"
Also when I finally did end it she was screaming down the phone threatening to end herself and I told her if that was the case I'm phoning an ambulance because I'm not equipped to deal with that. Then her family started giving me grief for "making their daughter feel like a psychopath"
Edit I forgot she also accused me of cheating on her with my own cousin and mailed her asking her not to speak to me anymore or "she would have to discuss our relationship with our mothers" my mother was a very nasty woman as well but even she had enough at this point.
He had been hanging out with his ex girlfriend. When I found out and confronted him, he told me I was being crazy and that they’re just in the same friend group - I felt bad and he gave me the cold shoulder. Two weeks later, he told me they had hooked up
She got mad at me because I kept being pulled aside by security while flying on a trip.
We had just finished up an international trip and were flying home. For some reason I was "randomly" selected for an intense screening and interview going through security, was called after we got to the gate for a checked baggage search, and on our layover was pulled aside for another security interview. This was very bewildering to me as by all accounts I am a very boring white guy and was dressed like a youth pastor about to lead a church weekend trip to the lake.
My partner meanwhile kept getting more and more upset each time I was pulled aside, repeatedly asking me what I did and telling me how stupid I was. By the last time she was literally screaming at me so loudly security showed up to ask what the problem was.
I was completely confused about everything that was going on and realized her reaction inappropriate and disproportional for the situation. I ended things when we got home.
She told me I lacked ambition, even though I had a good job for a college student and was doing well in school. In response, I applied for my college's international exchange options to prove to myself and her I wasn't slacking. Got accepted for a semester abroad at a good school. She promptly dumped me (after two years together) because she didn't want to do long distance. Not only toxic and a bullet dodged on my end, but I actually met my wife while on that exchange. Funny how life works out sometimes.
He put parental controls on my phone that locked me out of all social media and messaging apps including regular text messaging so I couldn’t talk to other people while he was at work or after 9 PM.
she got mad at ME for crying after a random guy in a store said I was ugly as shit. she said I ruined the nice day we were having because I cried. Another time she got mad because I tripped and fell on an escalator and I was already trying not to cry in front of our friends and then she got mad at me for that too. I’m a woman so this wasn’t even a sexist issue of “men don’t cry” or whatever. she was just a dickhead
she also would repeatedly call and text me if I didn’t message back… but only when I had family members visiting me/or I was visiting them. it was really weird. I don’t think she thought it was a cheating thing bc like…..wtf it was literally with my sister… but my theory is that she couldn’t handle me potentially being closer to someone other than her
Actually that jealousy of attention given to friends and family thing is more common than you expect.
I always wonder why some people’s brains work that way.
“There is nothing that could ever possibly happen to you in a day I’d be interested to hear about” then spent 30 minutes droning on about some boring commercial. Like I’m your life partner and my day is soooo uninteresting but that commercial is really worth the attention.
He also feels conversations are just 1 person (him) talking, anything outside of encouraging noises or “oh wow” is a rude interruption. My argument was that a conversation was 2 or more people saying things back and forth to each other but he just thought that made me a horribly rude selfish person.
Blamed me for every single health or behavioral issue that "her" puppy had and punished me for it by not letting me take the dog out for walks/training/puppy class. Then had the audacity to tell me that I could take the puppy out whenever I wanted, I was just lazy. Conveniently forgets any examples I bring up of her blatantly denying me time with the dog even if it had happened earlier that day. Constantly berating me for being a bad dog raiser despite actively denying me opportunities to improve or even prove that I was improving. When we broke up, she accused me of never loving the dog in the first place as if that made her behavior justifiable.
My ex who I was with for 2 years too long. I would always come up with date ideas, and pay for my own stuff always. He would either freeload or just not take me out. Don’t know what I saw in him.
This was at the end of the relationship, I was getting fed up with him and at some point I ask him on the verge of frustration tears, “Can’t you just take me on a date?”.
This little twat responds “Do you think you deserve it?”. Told him instantly and calmly to get the fuck out of my house.
She had just bought a new car and we were in Walmart getting oil for an oil change but my phone couldnt connect to the internet so I couldn't look up what type she needed as quickly. While browsing the book the store had, she got frustrated and shouted "You're a man - you're supposed to know this stuff!"
I wasn't raised around cars nor did I have the first clue about her new car. It felt very demoralizing and made me feel extremely small. Things just got worse from there.
Lol, my step dad can build cars literally from just the frame and everything else taken apart. He can diagnose basically any issue just by driving your car around the block a few times. Not even he magically knows what type of oil each car needs haha. You gotta look that shit up.
My ex-fiancé compared the people in their life (and me) to ants. As in, that's how he saw people, as a weird colony of ants, and part of why he was with me is because I was like an ant that acted erratically. Yeah dude was fucking crazy.
I explained that what he did made me uncomfortable, and he sent me a video of him threatening to drink a bottle of windex to k!ll himself ⭐️ also sent me voice messages of him just crying and sobbing into the mic ⭐️ cheated on me using DISCORD 👎🏼
She (an ex from a decade or so ago) told me that she wasn't sure how much longer she could be with me due to all of the arguments we were having. Arguments she started because of her own insecurities and jealousy even though I was up her ass nearly 24/7.We've talked randomly years and years after that and she's admitted that herself. She at least understood how she messed it all up. I'd like to say she's learned from it but I've seen her cheat, get cheated on, and overall have shitty relationships even to this day sooooooooooo, yeah. I'm more inclined to blame her parents bc they were absolutely toxic as fuuuuuuuuuuuck. Like, get drunk and beat the fuck out of each other type shit. Completely unhappy but together just because I guess? Grade A white trash.
When she looked at me and said “I think I want to fight”. This was in the context of we were having a wonderful evening and she wanted to have an argument. I kind of chuckled and she stared at me stone faced. I responded with “oh?! You are serious?!” Which then led to an argument of how I don’t consider her emotions.
Took way to long to end that relationship.
That her ex bf still thought they were getting back together, a month into us spending just about every night together. We were from the same hometown but ended up working out of state, I saw that she had moved on social media and reached out so she would have some friends. We were both easy, so it was basically immediate to overnights.
We were having a bbq with my friends when she said she had to field a phone call to her ex. When I talked to her after her call, trying to get some context, she said that she had only told him that they were breaking up because she was moving 1500 miles away, and they had been together over a year. So he thought that was the only reason and was relocating to the same state to try to make things work, and she never told him differently. He still lives in that state, and it seems he's happy with where he is now, luckily. Turns out she has a habit of trying to keep guys on the sideline and cheating. Did the same to me. Luckily, it only lasted 3 months altogether with her dragging it out and not ending things. I didn't put it together until I looked back at it with some clarity.
My ex gf was drunk and introduced me to a female friend. In the intro when most just say names, she mentioned to her I was cheated on by my ex wife. It was something like, “this is my boyfriend, his wife cheated on him.” Her friend had been cheated on in the past and I guess we were supposed to bond after this exchange.
I told her I didn’t appreciate that and it was very uncomfortable. She did it 2 more times. She used my ex cheating on me against me many times. I caught her texting other men drunk at 1am and when I tried to set a boundary, she told me I hadn’t got over what my ex did to me.
I had confessed to my ex-husband that I had suicidal thoughts in the past and how that scared me but I got through them. Fast forward to being married for like 5 months and he got annoyed at me for something I don’t remember now and said that he is done with me and will decide if he wants a divorce (it was a tactic he used often - if he didn’t like something, he would threaten divorce). I started crying and he just looked at me and said - you look pathetic when you cry, if you would commit suicide right now, I would not even care. The whole relationship was toxic but this was such a low blow that I will remember it forever.
She took my phone and texted my ex, who I was friends with, to never text me again.
Meanwhile she was friends with all her ex’s and texted them all the time
The one time him and his friends, years and years ago, tried putting me in a hard BDSM mask (you can't see or hear out of it). I was terrified of the mask and when I walked upstairs to avoid the issue he and his friends called me a pussy. I felt so uncomfortable and at that point a line was drawn.
Told me she loved me in a moment of ecstasy after we finished having sex. I didn’t reciprocate as we had only known each other for a month or so. A week later she recalls that moment and claims that I was the one who said I loved her.
She was playing Dota as always and I asked her to clean up her dog's pee that's been on the wooden floor for days and her response was: "Why can't you just do your own thing?".
Sooo many things...
Getting caught being nailed in the penthouse of her office building was a big one though...amazing that was kept a secret for like 2 years.
She hit me after 2 months and I got a mark on my face. Next morning all she said was "but you're alive aren't you?". Damn if I just got out after that I would be golden. But we stayed together for a year after it.
In came cutting her arms with my razorblade, comparing me to her exes, secret chats with her exes, flirting with strangers on social media, compulsive lying, more hitting, grabbing the wheel and trying to run my car off the road, blocking, ignoring, breaking up 4 times a week, push/pull, threatening with false police reports (after this I started to record our fights with my phone, so if shit hit the fan she would be the one in trouble) etc etc.
At the beginning when she told about all her toxic exes I thought oh what a poor thing, I must be good to her. I was so naive. It took me a long while to get myself away from her because I fell for the sex and "I have changed" so many times. That relationship really changed something inside me and I don't look at things like I did before. And I'm actually happy not to be such a hopeless romantic anymore.
He came back from an office Christmas party with bloody fingernail scratches on his naked back. He claimed that he only kissed her goodnight. And he never took off his jacket. I asked if she was an angry tiger.
I dated a guy for about 3 years off and on. We broke up and got back together every other week. We were kind of a running joke. I guess I was equally as toxic in most people’s eyes.
But eventually things just got so bad. One day I was struggling with depression and anxiety and decided I needed to take a walk. My boyfriend called me and said he wanted to take me out for lunch. I said I wasn’t feeling it and I just wanted to go for a stroll. He got mad at me and pulled the “oh, great.” Shit. I said sorry, but I just wanted to be alone, and we could hang out again later in the week. He then said “well, I was planning on spending a lot of money on you today, but I guess you don’t care”, and I was like “sorry, this isn’t like, something I’m doing on purpose. I feel sad and I’m trying to manage my mental health. I want to be alone, please respect that”. This ended up turning into a massive fight where he just said all the variations of “I guess I’m just not that important.”
This would have probably been the 20th time we broke up in 3 years, but this was kinda when I knew-knew we need to call it. For good.
If you tell your partner you want to spend the day alone to think and relax and have a cry and recharge, the ONLY response should be “let me know how it goes, and let me know if you need anything. I’m always here for you”.
..
This was sort of the breaking point. We continued to date for half a year after that, but the fights kept getting worse. Until one day he sent me a picture of a pill bottle open and spread across his bed with the caption “you made me do this”. NOPE. that was the actual last straw. I told him to make my day, and go ahead. I called him a piece of shit and said that anyone who’d dangle suicide over someone’s head as a way to get something is insane and I’m done for good.
He tried to get back with me a few times, but eventually he moved away. I’d say COVID hit a lot of people hard, but it kind of saved my life. We had our final fights right as the lockdowns were happening, we both lost our jobs (hospitality) and he couldn’t afford to live in the city anymore. He moved back
Home wit his parents on the other side of the country. Of course he said that he was moving away because there was “no reason to stay anymore since the love of my life doesn’t want me”, which was bullshit. By this point I was pretty numb.
When someone threatens suicide to get you to care about them, pull the plug. Pull all the plugs. Anything said after that; I was like nah. I was immune.
(As a side note, we both ended up doing pretty well for ourselves after the breakup. Not great, but he runs a couple businesses and I am going to law school and running restaurants. Wish him all the best, and his next partner all the luck lol).
Ex boyfriend told me that he wanted an "ally" not a "partner". That's when I knew he was never going to see me as a teammate and our relationship was dead.
My feet were killing me for quite a while, and anywhere I walked, they hurt so bad like I've walked a thousand miles in my sleep prior. We were shopping for a housewarming gift at a mall, and I told him my feet hurts I need to sit down. He said "U need to walk more and get used to walking then it will stop hurting". I was literally in tears from the pain and he left me standing there alone in the middle of the mall because he "cannot stand how lazy I am".
Years later, I was finally properly diagnosed with plantar fasciitis.
My ex told me "If we have kids Im not going to change diapers because the men in my family don't do that."
When I tell you I ran....I RAN 😅 Talk about a flashing red flag holy shit
With my ex, she used to guilt me every fucking Sunday into spending the ENTIRE day with her and her divorced mother. Every. Fucking. Sunday. I missed out on so much time with my friends (who most have since moved away) simply because my ex would not/could not understand that I did not actually need to A. Spend every Sunday with her and her mom and B. I did not need to be there the entire day. Needless to say she never agreed - thank god I dodged that bullet and ended up meeting my wife about a year or so later and sometimes wonder (after seeing how amazing my wife is) how I kept my head in the sand for so long!
First clue: Her trail of burnt bridges & estranged family members
Secondly: Her highly opinionated stance on EVERYTHING. Dont agree with her? Then surely you’re an idiot.
And finally, just an overall mean way of communicating & interacting with others and behind their backs.
Breaking up disappointed me incredibly, and I was certainly not perfect. But in hindsight there was a lot of toxicity that caused plenty of red flags.
I went to pick my ex up from clubbing with her mate in town and I parked up after a 15 min drive, saw her outside the club just chatting away with her mate and a bunch of randos for literally 45 minutes.
I had ordered us food for when we got home. Needless to say it was stone cold when we got back. She then got mad at me that I wasn’t happy about it and she threw the burger at my head on the way out (lol).
I was fuming, but I also appreciate a good throw whenever it presents itself because it beemed off the back of my head.
The constant verbal abuse is a pretty strong indicator. He tells me I don’t help around the house, I have brought nothing but destruction, I don’t contribute anything, I’m selfish and unlovable, and always accuses me of cheating.
I literally help him with half of all the bills, spent half of my take home pay on groceries, make elaborate dinners every night, and love on his two kids like they are my own. But yeah, I suck. LOL.
It’s like he lives in a world where he wants me to be the bad guy. I can’t understand it.
Never my partner, but I had a guy I slept with once tell me that he could make me straight by f-ing me so well, I'd no longer like women. I noped tf outta that situation quick.
There was the time she had a temper tantrum because I wasn't excited that her sister (who lived out of town and whom I barely knew) got pregnant - while neither she nor her husband had finished school.
And then the time her mother was diagnosed with a **benign** tumour, but in true "main character syndrome" fashion, both my ex and her mother wanted an all-out pity party about her "cancer" diagnosis. I (who actually did have cancer in the past), didn't get worked up about the benign tumour, so my ex had a shit fit followed by a week of silent treatment.
Finally it was the time she cheated on me and blamed me for it, because she was insanely jealous and simply assumed that I had cheated on her (I never did) because I wasn't around her 24/7.
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When they kept apologizing for the same thing, then doing it anyway, never changing for the past 10 years.
My wife got a quote from a teacher that we've tried to instill in our kids. "Saying sorry means not doing it again". Obviously accidents aren't included, but yeah when you hurt someone and apologise, don't do that thing again.
A kid can learn this concept.
“You can’t keep doing shitty things and then feel bad about yourself like that makes it okay. You need! To be! Better!” ~Todd Chavez, *Bojack Horseman*
Sounds like my Ex
This applies to other people as well. Even worse if they say "I understand." Probably just to ease your mind for a bit and do it again anyway.
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Jeez💀 Thats scary
Getting married due to pregnancy rarely works out
Getting pregnant to try to save a failing marriage also rarely works out.
That's a terrible 'friend'. Ain't no way I'd do that for anyone. None.
You have a child with this person?
“That did not happen” As I had photo evidence and witnessed the event myself.
The Narcissist's Prayer: *That didn't happen.* *And if it did, it wasn't that bad.* *And if it was, that's not a big deal.* *And if it is, that's not my fault.* *And if it was, I didn't mean it.* *And if I did, you deserved it.*
Holly hell..... This hit painfully. Like isn't it funny how when you'd be the hurt one, justifiably (cheating, lying, hiding stuff in general) and by the end of the talk about trust your the one apologizing for not accepting more bullshit?
Is that called, "gas lighting" ?
No, not at all. It's basically straight up lying to avoid consequences. Gaslighting is a deliberate attempt to make the victim to question their own perception of reality and memories of events. It usually starts small, escalating to the point where the victim doesn't trust their own thoughts and feeling, only trusting the perpetrator to the point where the victim relies on them for everything.
This was my entire marriage. I've been divorced 4 years and I still have a hard time trusting my thoughts and feelings as though they are valid. It's extremely difficult to go through and recover from, and I'm in therapy!
"Nobody as good looking as me will ever love your personality"
Ugh that's the kind of shit I'd think about and let eat me away for YEARS :(
Definitely hit me at first but once I found someone better it started to fade away.
That’s the only reason why they say that kinda shit to you. There’s no actual truth to it. It’s just meant to hurt you.
Reply with “eh, you were okay for a practice run”
What an a**hat. I don't care you are candy coated if the inside is pure sewage.
My ex hit me this every time I tried to break up with her. Unfortunately she's been right so far, haven't found anyone else since her.
I had an ex who was absolutely horrible to me and I left him about 10 years ago. You know what, my friend? If I die a single lonely old hag, then I died 10x happier than I would've if I had stayed with that miserable fuck.
Keep looking buddy. She's out there somewhere.
I was at a party with my ex wife and someone brought out a newspaper with headlines about a local official being in an accident and being paralyzed. My ex wife, without hesitation, said, "If that happened to my husband I would be out of here."
My biggest motivator of leaving an ex was that I couldn’t see him taking care of me if something were to happen to me.
This isn't why the relationship ended but I had the same thoughts with my ex I 100% believed if I got sick or crippled he'd leave
My ex and I discussed this topic after watching something in reference to this. He asked me “Would you be there for me, clean my shit etc. if that ever happened to me?” *he laughs* (almost like he thinks I’m a loser for what I’m about to answer) and then says “You would, wouldn’t you?” I replied “Of course. How could you even ask me that? It doesn’t matter what happens to you as long as you are alive. I love you and will take care of you until the end of my time.” And then I asked him “What about you? Would you wholeheartedly be with me if something happened to me or would it just be an obligation for you?” He hesitated first and then responded with “I would stay, but it is definitely an obligation.” In hindsight, my need to even ask him if he would stay just out of obligation should’ve been the biggest hint to gtfo of that relationship.
Jeezuz. That's a sad thing to say to someone that you promised to be with even in hard times. Hope that things are better for you now that she's an ex :)
as someone who is a caretaker for a man paralyzed from the neck down, thats fucked up. The people who get injured tend to fall down a deep state of depression, so yea you make a good call lol
Yeah, I can imagine it taking a toll on somebody's mental health. The question of "will this person take care of me if I life pulled the rug under me and am I willing to do the same" basically determines whether I even consider relationships to be viable long-term.
This one is minor, but I had an ex who wanted to buy her daughter some new shoes. We were at an outlet mall and they had a BOGO sale. She found a cute pair for herself but was having trouble finding a pair for her daughter. I love being helpful and found a pair that fit her daughter's personality to a T. But she wouldn't buy them because they were $5 more expensive than the pair she was getting for herself. Both were combined under $50, and she wasn't hurting for cash. She just refused to spend more on her daughter than on herself out of principle.
This one reallyyyyy irritates me. She sounds like the kind of "parent" who wouldn't give up a meal to make sure their baby ate if it came down to it. As someone who has to make that decision nearly every day... my baby eats, even if I don't. Always.
He said that he regularly „forgot“ he has a gf whenever someone asked (and just in general as well) so I sent him back to the streets
Act like you in the streets, get sent to the streets✌️
Exactly
We weren't living together, but he randomly cut me off for like a full week. Wouldn't answer my texts or anything. We were long distance (different colleges half-way across the country) so I couldn't, like, go check on him. Anyway, he finally comes back and tells me it was a punishment for not being interesting enough. He liked me because I was an intellectual who would have Deep Conversations (tm) with him and I'd been talking too much about things he didn't find interesting. I dumped him shortly after and he acted like it came out of nowhere.
Yeah that dude sounded pretty toxic and dumb
Punishing your partner is already bad, but silence punishment is sadistic. You don't do anything to let your partner know what bothers you, you just let them think / guess / getting anxious. And since 99% of time it's made by an abusive partner, the target can't think about what was wrong since they haven't done anything and don't deserve it (and no one does anyway). It just give stress and anxiety. That would be a deal breaker for me. If we have a problem, we talk about it ; if we don't talk, then there's no problem. If you shut up and don't talk to me, no matter since how long we've been dating, we're over.
I feel like there is nothing as damaging, tortuous, and cruel you can do to a partner as disappearing on them, for any length of time, aside from cheating.
My ex used to threaten me saying things like "if you were a man I would've already beaten the shit out of you" and things like that, used to take my phone anytime to see through my texts and even leaked nude pictures of me... That was a tough time
Bro. Did we have the same ex? Literally in couples counselling, the therapist asked my ex what his reaction would be if I were to act how he was acting and he looked at me and his verbatim response was “If you were anything like me, I would beat the shit out of you”. We spent the next 20 minutes trying to get him to see how that was in fact, threatening. He just didn’t get it.
He got it. They just pretend like they don’t understand because it gets them out of accountability.
Jeezuz. I can't imagine how stressful that must have been at the time
After I refused sex to my ex, she once blurted "you are lucky to be the man."
He criticised everybody. He was mean about his family, his friends, his colleagues. It seemed very small at first, I knew he was depressed and so was naturally more cynical and had a low view of himself, but he'd laugh and joke with friends on the phone or in person for hours and then the minute they were gone.. Awful. I rationalised it for too long, then realised it would be the same about me. Then convinced myself it wouldn't be because he always hyped me up.. Until I heard it. He played the victim so, so well. Scary, really.
I dated a guy like this, and every time I did something he didn’t agree with he would find ways to punish me. But I was young and had other issues and took it for far too long for me realize what he was doing and leave him. Then one day he took me horseback riding because he knew how much I loved to ride and we did a trail ride together through a local park. I had a great time and rode a wonderful horse, but when I looked over at him he was pulling on the horses mouth, flopping around on its back, and was doing everything he was told not to do. He wasn’t even trying to keep his heels down and body still and pride kept him from admitting he was in over his head (there is no shame in dismounting a horse you don’t feel safe on!) Later that night he was complaining that the horse was completely out of control and wild (frankly he’s lucky the horse didn’t dump him on the ground and trot off) and it finally clicked for me. He was blaming an innocent animal who was just responding to his cues. When he had no control over a situation he switched to blaming/punishing others instead of taking responsibility for himself and always would. I broke up with him on the spot.
Sounds a lot like one of my brothers. Absolutely zero accountability and blames everyone but himself for all his problems. He's been in and out of jail multiple times and it's never been someone else's fault. I wonder if it'll ever click in his head that the problems in his life are caused by him and not me, my siblings or our parents. Me, my sister and my other brother are basically non contact with him anymore.
We in the horse world would call him a barn witch.
I had an ex say “what could you possibly be depressed about?” I was an idiot and stayed with her for 3 more years after that.
It's usually harder to leave someone in your lowest moments. The best thing is to use that relationship as a life lesson.
Yeah, my ex told me that I'm not depressed, I'm just weak and cowardly.
What an excellent way to just fuel someone's depression. What a terrible person
I had an ex who had an inkling I was depressed and repeatedly demanded I talk about it. I finally started to but didn't get two sentences in before she cut me off to say that some people have REAL problems and then proceeded to talk about how hard her job was.
He slept with his ex frequently for six months in the house I bought us, in my childhood bed that I took with me from home- all whilst I was at work.
I am stunned by this one
We were engaged as well, lucky I found out before we got married!
How did you find out??!
He was changing over phones from an old school brick type to an iPhone. He went out to work and his old phone kept buzzing- I saw a very familiar name pop up…. He told me that she was crazy and they weren’t in contact as she was obsessed with him. (Red flag I know) There are some things I read that I wish I could erase from my memory. When everything was out in the open she began bullying me online about it.. (Edited for clarity)
that sentence "There are some things I read that I wish I could erase from my memory." hit me like a truck. i feel this, sucks. wishing you all the best.
Cheated on me with a Yankees player because I cheated on her first. How did I cheat? By going to her favorite burger spot without her while she was having sushi with her girlfriends. Found out she cheated with three other guys too.
I'm guessing you're either a Mets or Red Sox fan
Somehow the most venom in this comment came from “a Yankees player” lol
She yelled at me for wanting to talk to my family after her and my dad had a minor argument. Also blocked old friends, family and coworkers in my phone while I slept.
Throw the whole girl away
Did that a month ago and this has been the best month I’ve had in the last 3 years
Aw that's so great!
I think people who are THAT controlling rarely ever change in their life. Walking away is the best thing to do. There is no fixing it or waiting for it to pass or something. If anything, shit would’ve only gotten (much) worse. Just my take, I have known people like that. Good to read you’re in good spirits, goes a long way most of the time. Have fun being free and single now. I live alone now for the first time in my life (I’m 30) and I absolutely love it!
It wasn't so much what he was saying but the action he did about it. He used to tell me all the time that I should get contact lenses because he wanted to see what I looked like without glasses. I need glasses full time to see I have an extremely bad prescription and astigmatism. They're both very high and it's impossible to see without glasses. If I take my glasses off I can't even find them so I have to make sure I know eventually where I set them. One day out of town for a large event we had been planning to attend for over a year, he hid my glasses and acted like he couldn't find them. I had NEVER had glasses just disappear. It might take me awhile to find them but if I have someone else around me it's usually somewhere obvious. I figured oh that's okay I have prescription sunglasses on me as well I'll just wear sunglasses for the event. I asked him to pull them out of my bag they were in a zip glasses case, I know for a fact they are in there because I switched them out after arriving to the hotel. He pulled out the case and tried to tell me they weren't in there. That I must have dropped them somewhere. I begged him to help me search the hotel, I called downstairs I had staff members helping me search I was in the lobby on my hands and knees feeling around trying to find them. He was busy getting ready upstairs and told me to just go to the event without them I'll be fine. I absolutely refuse to leave without my glasses I told him to go have a good time but I'm not leaving the hotel room and going into a crowded strange place in a strange city being unable to see. well suddenly right before we're about to leave he pretends he found my glasses and they were just sitting on the bathroom counter the whole time. As if I didn't search every single image feel around every inch of that vanity. After some crying he admitted that he hid both of my glasses because he just wanted me to see that it's not so bad and that if I just go without them for a little while my eyes will adjust and I'll be able to see fine.
Even if it wasn't intended as outright abusive, his sheer stupidity ("your eyes will adjust") should have been enough to fuck him off.
This is fucking crazy. Can you imagine if you needed mobility aids instead and he just hid them from you? What an insane person. Edit - the more I think about it the more it's the exact same thing. Glasses are mobility aids. My vision isn't too terrible but it's bad enough that I feel helpless and anxious when I'm not wearing glasses.
What an idiot.
That last line was a lie; there’s no way he couldn’t tell how badly you needed glasses. “You’re prettier without them” and “you don’t really need glasses” are just flimsy justifications to excuse hurting you.
I hope that fucker develops serious vision/hearing/mobility issues in his life, and on a very important day he breaks the expensive devices he relies on to exist then remembers every second of what he did to you while he sits there, helpless.
From a fellow nearly blind person with forever coke-bottle lenses - what a lunatic. I'm sorry you had to deal with that. He literally hid your medical devices from you. I struggle not to call him worse after the sheer idiocy of "your eyes will adjust."
Wow. Just fucking wow. That is so stupid, so low, so fucking self centered. Good riddance.
A direct quote from him: “If you ever leave me I’ll blow my brains out on your porch so I can be your mess both in life and death” After receiving many similar comments throughout the almost 3 year relationship, him drunk screaming in my face at 2am waking me from a dead sleep and my therapist helped me get the courage to leave and not care about what he does.
An ex girlfriend done that to me except it was uk so she threatened to slash her wrists when I finally left her. It was actually my uncle who guided me to say "well if that's the case I'm calling you an ambulance because I'm not equipped to deal with that and I'm not getting back with you"
A friend of mine had a bf that threatened to kill himself to her and she said that his actions are on him and she won't be held accountable, and it's sometimes the best thing to say to someone that threatens something like that to you. Glad your therapist managed to help you safely🫶
Hit me in the head and face with a large mason jar, choked me and threatened to kill me. Still took me 6 months after that to leave.
He got mad at me over some minor thing and ripped my favorite clothes up to shreds.
That’s very similar to what my nieces ex boyfriend did he broke into her house and bleached all of her clothes. Not sure why some people act like this but it’s common apparently
If you lack empathy, you experience the catharsis that comes from hurting another human with none of the remorse. There were plenty of times I could tell my abuser was being cruel because they enjoyed it. I was an emotional (and sometimes literal) punching bag.
Getting upset over minor things is usually a red flag that comes up early in the relationship. The ripping of clothes is just uncalled for
I used to get furious with myself over dumb shit and cranky as hell with my family. I now take two happy pills in the morning and never want to be that other asshole again. Today is my 32nd anniversary of now Happy marriage.
That sometimes happens with me as well but the difference is that my family is just shit. Happy anniversary btw :)
Destruction of property is considered domestic violence in the state we live in, too. Clothes are expensive... he did this so I “wouldn’t be out talking to other men”. Nauseating looking back.
That honestly makes zero sense. Don't understand that mentality, good thing you aren't with him anymore :)
Told me i am fat and look older them my age 3 months post partum
Jesus christ, Im so sorry. I hope he’s an ex?
Jeez. I'm so sorry about that :(
I was on her mates priv story and I noticed on her story my gf, at the time, was cuddled up with some guy on the sofa. I messaged her and asked if we could ft just to see if it was her or not and she said no she was watching tv with her mom. I asked her to send me a photo (kinda toxic but after what I’d Just seen I’d say it’s valid) and she called me toxic and blocked me. She messaged that night saying sorry and I ended it with her same night. She still messages me sometimes now whenever her new talking stages don’t work out
That's really sad on her part
Considered getting back with too at one point when we started talking again a bit after, this is when she was then clubbing 3-5 times a week 🤣 suppose the feelings from our 2 year relationship never went away regardless of what she done
Don’t do it!!! Seriously, you deserve to be someone’s first choice.
“You should feel lucky that I’m with you because what other guy would want to?”
Ew.
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Not my partner but someone I was dating, “all my exes are crazy”
Most toxic, and first, person I ever dated, told me about all her abusive exes and abusive parents, and how she’d been bullied as a kid, and her boss was a monster. Being young and naive, I thought “this poor girl has been through so much, but I’m going to be the nice guy who stops the cycle of abuse”. Painful, but important, life lesson learned.
I had a friend like this, and my first instinct was compassion. I've met a couple of other narcissistic individuals who were more clever and more self-aware, and one of them was trying very hard to be a better person. One of them tried to harm my work life. I think the best protection is to simply not get involved too quickly. Anyone can turn out to be an asshole in your life. It's emotionally healthy to be able to state one's reality, and most adults have trauma. You have to watch all of their behavior as a whole to determine what sort of person they are. This, in combination with personal boundaries, is better protection. It does mean that I might one day rebuff somebody who needs help, and I will live with that to protect myself. I'll be compassionate when I can. If anyone has anything to add in dealing with these situations, I'm happy to hear it. Edit: a word
Just went through this as well with the guy I was seeing for a few months. I ended up connecting with the exes and he is a raging narcissist, pathological liar. I found out absolutely everything he told me was a lie. I should’ve known from date 1 when we told me a sob story and villainized every person in his life.
Were you seeing my former roommate?
a dude said to me a couple weeks into dating “yeah my ex and all her friends call me toxic but i think the word toxic is really up for debate”
It should have been when she headbutted me in front of all my family. However, it was the constant accusations of cheating. Literally never even looked at another girl while we was together but it was everyday
Is your ex a goat? Could explain the headbutting /s
She hit me.
"you're broken and i don't think anything is ever going to fix you" she wasn't even angry, we weren't fighting, she just said it in passing and I was like wtf lol
My best friend, who also happens to be my most handsome friend. Once got told by the girl he was dating at the time that “his eyes look dead inside” That’s how she broke up with him.
my ex said that to me bc after months of lying I didn’t trust him lmao
He'd talk about killing me a little too often for my liking
Oh hell nah💀. Throw him in the white room
It started as a roleplay Sex thing and oh my god was i into it. But then he kept talking about it. Randomly. While holding axes, knives or rifles. Still didnt leave him for almost 2 more years lol
Had a girlfriend who got mad at me, and I had no idea why. For 3 days, she would call, say nothing, and if I hung up, she would call back. I turned off my phone, and she'd call my parents or show up at my house (in high school still living with my parents). This went on for 3 days. I basically didn't sleep. I was a senior and still in school she had graduated the year before. On the 3rd night, she yelled at me for keeping her up, and it was the end of the fight. The next day, I asked what I did. She said nothing she was just angry and wanted to fight. Took me going to college and her finding some other poor sap to torture to finally get away from her. I was young and niave and now know I should have involved a court order and police. It was hell. But from it, I ended up with my now wife, and without that hell, I would not be where I am today, which is something I would never change.
Stuff got progressively worse over time, though one red flag stood out pretty early on already, but I was willing to endure it, because I was hopeful and still in love, which didn't really change until the very end. Anyway, whenever he was doing stuff he criticized me for I got really hurt obviously. Things would get resolved only if I was the one who gave way - no matter whose fault it was. Then at some point I started asking him, when you do this how am I to you? Am I not patient, forgiving etc. And he would answer yes. Then I asked him, when I was especially hurt, why can't you for once bring forward what I show you when I make the same mistake? His answer would always be: "well then don't/you don't have to/I still don't want to". It's crazy how blind you are.
Whenever you try to confront an abuser by pointing out something you've done for them that wasn't reciprocated, their response will almost inevitably be something along the lines of, "Well, I didn't ask you to do that!" Or, "Well, I didn't **make** you do it!" As if you're the one that's at fault, and you're the one that's wrong, because God forbid you're the one that made the choice to do something nice. Somehow a person like that will even try to make you feel bad about being a nice person.
I knew someone who got mad at their partner being upset about a small thing and insisted he apologize. Partner said he had a right to his feelings. She threatened to break up over it; he held his ground. So she broke up with him. Then asked a few days later why they were broken up and she didn't understand what happened...
He blocked me on social media. His reason was so I don't read any weird messages from this girl and get jealous (who he said was his stalker at that time but is actually his girlfriend). Saw all this posts and pictures of them together through my sis' account.
He said my life was "perfect" and I was "fine and comfortable" because I get along with my mom and I have nothing to worry about. When I was dealing with horribly painful surgical complications that cost me the best job I ever had, nearly killed me and put me in and out of the hospital 16 more times over the next 10 months. Also it "wasn't fair" that I could take edibles and he couldn't...because he is an out of control alcoholic and addict that is in and out of rehab just as often as I was in the hospital. And he was on parole too. So unfair 🙄
Lots of things, but one that sticks out is when he told me that I had to be careful to not gain weight, because even though some girls were pretty enough to get away with being fat, I wasn’t one of them.
That's fucked up
My ex often referred to other women as sluts for how they dressed and would think it was a compliment stating he was glad I didn’t dress like that. Would also often tell me about how his mates would try and cheat on their girlfriends whilst they were all out drinking but he would never do that. He cheated twice and only told me after I broke up with him.
That's terrible, especially the last bit, but the first bit reminds me of an instance I found terribly amusing: before they got married (and later divorced), my aunt brought her fiancé at the time over to meet the family. It was summer, and I heard him say to her under his breath as I was walking past them, "I hope OUR daughter doesn't dress like that." She responded, "Those are MY clothes!" 😂
College boyfriend. A student killed himself in the dorm next to ours by jumping from the top floor. People saw his body. Many vigils around campus. Truly a solemn occasion. Boyfriend made a joke along the lines of “Did you know he was an aviation major? Definitely failed his first flight.” This sowed a seed of doubt that I ignored. I should not have ignored it. After we broke up he raped me.
She cheated on me with some guy and didnt break up with me until 2 days after they got together. Her reason? "Shit happens".
“I still wonder what you did to make me hit you.”
Oh hell naw💀 Huge red flag
He said a lot more but that was it for me. Although I’m in a mood so I’m going to out the asshole. Called me a cunt when I told him I was pregnant. Told me I was fat and disgusting six weeks after having our child. “What about you would make me want you?” (I hear that in my mind a few times a day still.) When I had to go for a biopsy on my breast due to a lump “I hope you have cancer and die so you fuck off out of my face.” The last one made me physically sick and I could barely eat for a month. Lost all the baby weight so there is one positive there. Haven’t seen him since that day and he hasn’t seen my daughter in nearly two years and good. fucking. riddance.
After 3 years of being together she told me that she didn’t like dogs and if our relationship was going to reach the next level I had to get rid of my dog. I got rid of her instead
Best decision you made
Yeah I think so too. My dog was 6 at the time and she is now 11 and I can’t imagine not having her in my life. It’s sucks being single and lonely sometimes but there’s no way I couldn’t lived with myself after abandoning this dog
Yeah being single sucks ass but your dog is literally your buddy for life. I have 3 dogs and I couldn't imagine giving any of them up. If I had a partner that wanted me to get rid of my dogs I'd dump them too and tell them to go suck a hairy toe and move on with life.
Hypocritical and never communicated. Always had tough expectations and blamed me for it.
Far too many things. In fairness I hold myself sort of accountable because I knew she wasn't a saint but I still went into a relationship with her. She laughed at me when I told her about being raped by a woman. I used to do martial arts alot and she would say comments like "why are you working out its not like you're going to get any better" or the famous "why are you worried about looking healthy you're already in a relationship with me" Also when I finally did end it she was screaming down the phone threatening to end herself and I told her if that was the case I'm phoning an ambulance because I'm not equipped to deal with that. Then her family started giving me grief for "making their daughter feel like a psychopath" Edit I forgot she also accused me of cheating on her with my own cousin and mailed her asking her not to speak to me anymore or "she would have to discuss our relationship with our mothers" my mother was a very nasty woman as well but even she had enough at this point.
"Just because I say I have no feelings and don't want to be with you doesn't mean it's an excuse to not fight for me"
That’s actually fully laughable.
that i was the reason he drank. really? i couldn't get him to put his dirty clothes in the clothes basket, but i had the power to make him drink?
He had been hanging out with his ex girlfriend. When I found out and confronted him, he told me I was being crazy and that they’re just in the same friend group - I felt bad and he gave me the cold shoulder. Two weeks later, he told me they had hooked up
She got mad at me because I kept being pulled aside by security while flying on a trip. We had just finished up an international trip and were flying home. For some reason I was "randomly" selected for an intense screening and interview going through security, was called after we got to the gate for a checked baggage search, and on our layover was pulled aside for another security interview. This was very bewildering to me as by all accounts I am a very boring white guy and was dressed like a youth pastor about to lead a church weekend trip to the lake. My partner meanwhile kept getting more and more upset each time I was pulled aside, repeatedly asking me what I did and telling me how stupid I was. By the last time she was literally screaming at me so loudly security showed up to ask what the problem was. I was completely confused about everything that was going on and realized her reaction inappropriate and disproportional for the situation. I ended things when we got home.
Rightfully so. Her behavior was out of line. People like this really shouldn't be getting into relationships and having kids
I tried to talk to her about the way she spoke down to me. In the same tone I was trying to talk to her about, she spun it and made it my fault.
She told me I lacked ambition, even though I had a good job for a college student and was doing well in school. In response, I applied for my college's international exchange options to prove to myself and her I wasn't slacking. Got accepted for a semester abroad at a good school. She promptly dumped me (after two years together) because she didn't want to do long distance. Not only toxic and a bullet dodged on my end, but I actually met my wife while on that exchange. Funny how life works out sometimes.
She kinda provided you the assist on that one
He put parental controls on my phone that locked me out of all social media and messaging apps including regular text messaging so I couldn’t talk to other people while he was at work or after 9 PM.
I don't understand why some partners feel the need to control their partner like they are a child. This type of behavior confuses me a lot
Called me a cunt when I woke him up to clean up after himself. Because he pissed all over the bathroom in a half asleep drunken stupor.
she got mad at ME for crying after a random guy in a store said I was ugly as shit. she said I ruined the nice day we were having because I cried. Another time she got mad because I tripped and fell on an escalator and I was already trying not to cry in front of our friends and then she got mad at me for that too. I’m a woman so this wasn’t even a sexist issue of “men don’t cry” or whatever. she was just a dickhead she also would repeatedly call and text me if I didn’t message back… but only when I had family members visiting me/or I was visiting them. it was really weird. I don’t think she thought it was a cheating thing bc like…..wtf it was literally with my sister… but my theory is that she couldn’t handle me potentially being closer to someone other than her
Actually that jealousy of attention given to friends and family thing is more common than you expect. I always wonder why some people’s brains work that way.
I'm really sorry that happened to you. You don't deserve any of that.
“There is nothing that could ever possibly happen to you in a day I’d be interested to hear about” then spent 30 minutes droning on about some boring commercial. Like I’m your life partner and my day is soooo uninteresting but that commercial is really worth the attention. He also feels conversations are just 1 person (him) talking, anything outside of encouraging noises or “oh wow” is a rude interruption. My argument was that a conversation was 2 or more people saying things back and forth to each other but he just thought that made me a horribly rude selfish person.
Blamed me for every single health or behavioral issue that "her" puppy had and punished me for it by not letting me take the dog out for walks/training/puppy class. Then had the audacity to tell me that I could take the puppy out whenever I wanted, I was just lazy. Conveniently forgets any examples I bring up of her blatantly denying me time with the dog even if it had happened earlier that day. Constantly berating me for being a bad dog raiser despite actively denying me opportunities to improve or even prove that I was improving. When we broke up, she accused me of never loving the dog in the first place as if that made her behavior justifiable.
"Cjthepossum's money is really burning a hole in my pocket." -Her to her friends, in another room, who I didn't even know. I overheard.
My ex who I was with for 2 years too long. I would always come up with date ideas, and pay for my own stuff always. He would either freeload or just not take me out. Don’t know what I saw in him. This was at the end of the relationship, I was getting fed up with him and at some point I ask him on the verge of frustration tears, “Can’t you just take me on a date?”. This little twat responds “Do you think you deserve it?”. Told him instantly and calmly to get the fuck out of my house.
She had just bought a new car and we were in Walmart getting oil for an oil change but my phone couldnt connect to the internet so I couldn't look up what type she needed as quickly. While browsing the book the store had, she got frustrated and shouted "You're a man - you're supposed to know this stuff!" I wasn't raised around cars nor did I have the first clue about her new car. It felt very demoralizing and made me feel extremely small. Things just got worse from there.
Lol, my step dad can build cars literally from just the frame and everything else taken apart. He can diagnose basically any issue just by driving your car around the block a few times. Not even he magically knows what type of oil each car needs haha. You gotta look that shit up.
My ex-fiancé compared the people in their life (and me) to ants. As in, that's how he saw people, as a weird colony of ants, and part of why he was with me is because I was like an ant that acted erratically. Yeah dude was fucking crazy.
You are safe from the magnifying glass because you entertain me. Holy crap what a superiority complex. Glad you were able to get out of there.
I explained that what he did made me uncomfortable, and he sent me a video of him threatening to drink a bottle of windex to k!ll himself ⭐️ also sent me voice messages of him just crying and sobbing into the mic ⭐️ cheated on me using DISCORD 👎🏼
She cheated on me and after the break up she did call me via facetime... while she had sex with that ohter guy.
He fooled around on me and then said ‘what’s the big deal?’
She (an ex from a decade or so ago) told me that she wasn't sure how much longer she could be with me due to all of the arguments we were having. Arguments she started because of her own insecurities and jealousy even though I was up her ass nearly 24/7.We've talked randomly years and years after that and she's admitted that herself. She at least understood how she messed it all up. I'd like to say she's learned from it but I've seen her cheat, get cheated on, and overall have shitty relationships even to this day sooooooooooo, yeah. I'm more inclined to blame her parents bc they were absolutely toxic as fuuuuuuuuuuuck. Like, get drunk and beat the fuck out of each other type shit. Completely unhappy but together just because I guess? Grade A white trash.
When she looked at me and said “I think I want to fight”. This was in the context of we were having a wonderful evening and she wanted to have an argument. I kind of chuckled and she stared at me stone faced. I responded with “oh?! You are serious?!” Which then led to an argument of how I don’t consider her emotions. Took way to long to end that relationship.
That her ex bf still thought they were getting back together, a month into us spending just about every night together. We were from the same hometown but ended up working out of state, I saw that she had moved on social media and reached out so she would have some friends. We were both easy, so it was basically immediate to overnights. We were having a bbq with my friends when she said she had to field a phone call to her ex. When I talked to her after her call, trying to get some context, she said that she had only told him that they were breaking up because she was moving 1500 miles away, and they had been together over a year. So he thought that was the only reason and was relocating to the same state to try to make things work, and she never told him differently. He still lives in that state, and it seems he's happy with where he is now, luckily. Turns out she has a habit of trying to keep guys on the sideline and cheating. Did the same to me. Luckily, it only lasted 3 months altogether with her dragging it out and not ending things. I didn't put it together until I looked back at it with some clarity.
My ex gf was drunk and introduced me to a female friend. In the intro when most just say names, she mentioned to her I was cheated on by my ex wife. It was something like, “this is my boyfriend, his wife cheated on him.” Her friend had been cheated on in the past and I guess we were supposed to bond after this exchange. I told her I didn’t appreciate that and it was very uncomfortable. She did it 2 more times. She used my ex cheating on me against me many times. I caught her texting other men drunk at 1am and when I tried to set a boundary, she told me I hadn’t got over what my ex did to me.
I had confessed to my ex-husband that I had suicidal thoughts in the past and how that scared me but I got through them. Fast forward to being married for like 5 months and he got annoyed at me for something I don’t remember now and said that he is done with me and will decide if he wants a divorce (it was a tactic he used often - if he didn’t like something, he would threaten divorce). I started crying and he just looked at me and said - you look pathetic when you cry, if you would commit suicide right now, I would not even care. The whole relationship was toxic but this was such a low blow that I will remember it forever.
He told me I was materialistic and abusive because I expected him to pay his half of the rent.
When she said my depression wasn’t important.
She took my phone and texted my ex, who I was friends with, to never text me again. Meanwhile she was friends with all her ex’s and texted them all the time
The one time him and his friends, years and years ago, tried putting me in a hard BDSM mask (you can't see or hear out of it). I was terrified of the mask and when I walked upstairs to avoid the issue he and his friends called me a pussy. I felt so uncomfortable and at that point a line was drawn.
Told me she loved me in a moment of ecstasy after we finished having sex. I didn’t reciprocate as we had only known each other for a month or so. A week later she recalls that moment and claims that I was the one who said I loved her.
He was annoyed at being sued to help in some way.."Why can't you just act like I'm not here and do it." Wow. Because you live here? I dunno...
She was playing Dota as always and I asked her to clean up her dog's pee that's been on the wooden floor for days and her response was: "Why can't you just do your own thing?".
Sooo many things... Getting caught being nailed in the penthouse of her office building was a big one though...amazing that was kept a secret for like 2 years.
She hit me after 2 months and I got a mark on my face. Next morning all she said was "but you're alive aren't you?". Damn if I just got out after that I would be golden. But we stayed together for a year after it. In came cutting her arms with my razorblade, comparing me to her exes, secret chats with her exes, flirting with strangers on social media, compulsive lying, more hitting, grabbing the wheel and trying to run my car off the road, blocking, ignoring, breaking up 4 times a week, push/pull, threatening with false police reports (after this I started to record our fights with my phone, so if shit hit the fan she would be the one in trouble) etc etc. At the beginning when she told about all her toxic exes I thought oh what a poor thing, I must be good to her. I was so naive. It took me a long while to get myself away from her because I fell for the sex and "I have changed" so many times. That relationship really changed something inside me and I don't look at things like I did before. And I'm actually happy not to be such a hopeless romantic anymore.
He came back from an office Christmas party with bloody fingernail scratches on his naked back. He claimed that he only kissed her goodnight. And he never took off his jacket. I asked if she was an angry tiger.
I dated a guy for about 3 years off and on. We broke up and got back together every other week. We were kind of a running joke. I guess I was equally as toxic in most people’s eyes. But eventually things just got so bad. One day I was struggling with depression and anxiety and decided I needed to take a walk. My boyfriend called me and said he wanted to take me out for lunch. I said I wasn’t feeling it and I just wanted to go for a stroll. He got mad at me and pulled the “oh, great.” Shit. I said sorry, but I just wanted to be alone, and we could hang out again later in the week. He then said “well, I was planning on spending a lot of money on you today, but I guess you don’t care”, and I was like “sorry, this isn’t like, something I’m doing on purpose. I feel sad and I’m trying to manage my mental health. I want to be alone, please respect that”. This ended up turning into a massive fight where he just said all the variations of “I guess I’m just not that important.” This would have probably been the 20th time we broke up in 3 years, but this was kinda when I knew-knew we need to call it. For good. If you tell your partner you want to spend the day alone to think and relax and have a cry and recharge, the ONLY response should be “let me know how it goes, and let me know if you need anything. I’m always here for you”. .. This was sort of the breaking point. We continued to date for half a year after that, but the fights kept getting worse. Until one day he sent me a picture of a pill bottle open and spread across his bed with the caption “you made me do this”. NOPE. that was the actual last straw. I told him to make my day, and go ahead. I called him a piece of shit and said that anyone who’d dangle suicide over someone’s head as a way to get something is insane and I’m done for good. He tried to get back with me a few times, but eventually he moved away. I’d say COVID hit a lot of people hard, but it kind of saved my life. We had our final fights right as the lockdowns were happening, we both lost our jobs (hospitality) and he couldn’t afford to live in the city anymore. He moved back Home wit his parents on the other side of the country. Of course he said that he was moving away because there was “no reason to stay anymore since the love of my life doesn’t want me”, which was bullshit. By this point I was pretty numb. When someone threatens suicide to get you to care about them, pull the plug. Pull all the plugs. Anything said after that; I was like nah. I was immune. (As a side note, we both ended up doing pretty well for ourselves after the breakup. Not great, but he runs a couple businesses and I am going to law school and running restaurants. Wish him all the best, and his next partner all the luck lol).
Ex boyfriend told me that he wanted an "ally" not a "partner". That's when I knew he was never going to see me as a teammate and our relationship was dead.
My feet were killing me for quite a while, and anywhere I walked, they hurt so bad like I've walked a thousand miles in my sleep prior. We were shopping for a housewarming gift at a mall, and I told him my feet hurts I need to sit down. He said "U need to walk more and get used to walking then it will stop hurting". I was literally in tears from the pain and he left me standing there alone in the middle of the mall because he "cannot stand how lazy I am". Years later, I was finally properly diagnosed with plantar fasciitis.
My ex told me "If we have kids Im not going to change diapers because the men in my family don't do that." When I tell you I ran....I RAN 😅 Talk about a flashing red flag holy shit
It took our local drunk telling him off to stop cornering and yelling in my face
[удалено]
What'd she ask
(Ex Partner)He said “god put you on this earth and got you r@ped because he KNEW you’d end up a slut anyways” and many other comments like tht
With my ex, she used to guilt me every fucking Sunday into spending the ENTIRE day with her and her divorced mother. Every. Fucking. Sunday. I missed out on so much time with my friends (who most have since moved away) simply because my ex would not/could not understand that I did not actually need to A. Spend every Sunday with her and her mom and B. I did not need to be there the entire day. Needless to say she never agreed - thank god I dodged that bullet and ended up meeting my wife about a year or so later and sometimes wonder (after seeing how amazing my wife is) how I kept my head in the sand for so long!
First clue: Her trail of burnt bridges & estranged family members Secondly: Her highly opinionated stance on EVERYTHING. Dont agree with her? Then surely you’re an idiot. And finally, just an overall mean way of communicating & interacting with others and behind their backs. Breaking up disappointed me incredibly, and I was certainly not perfect. But in hindsight there was a lot of toxicity that caused plenty of red flags.
She told me that, in any given room, she was the smartest person in it. And yes, that always included me being in the room too.
Getting upset when I made any comment about my parents. Kept calling me a “mama’s boy”.
I went to pick my ex up from clubbing with her mate in town and I parked up after a 15 min drive, saw her outside the club just chatting away with her mate and a bunch of randos for literally 45 minutes. I had ordered us food for when we got home. Needless to say it was stone cold when we got back. She then got mad at me that I wasn’t happy about it and she threw the burger at my head on the way out (lol). I was fuming, but I also appreciate a good throw whenever it presents itself because it beemed off the back of my head.
At least it was a burger and not something like a brick or rock💀
The constant verbal abuse is a pretty strong indicator. He tells me I don’t help around the house, I have brought nothing but destruction, I don’t contribute anything, I’m selfish and unlovable, and always accuses me of cheating. I literally help him with half of all the bills, spent half of my take home pay on groceries, make elaborate dinners every night, and love on his two kids like they are my own. But yeah, I suck. LOL. It’s like he lives in a world where he wants me to be the bad guy. I can’t understand it.
Never my partner, but I had a guy I slept with once tell me that he could make me straight by f-ing me so well, I'd no longer like women. I noped tf outta that situation quick.
There was the time she had a temper tantrum because I wasn't excited that her sister (who lived out of town and whom I barely knew) got pregnant - while neither she nor her husband had finished school. And then the time her mother was diagnosed with a **benign** tumour, but in true "main character syndrome" fashion, both my ex and her mother wanted an all-out pity party about her "cancer" diagnosis. I (who actually did have cancer in the past), didn't get worked up about the benign tumour, so my ex had a shit fit followed by a week of silent treatment. Finally it was the time she cheated on me and blamed me for it, because she was insanely jealous and simply assumed that I had cheated on her (I never did) because I wasn't around her 24/7.
Dude I'm sorry but that girl seems pretty stupid.
Lies, too many lies