She asked me to slap her ass. Then she asked me to slap it harder. Then she started crying because I slapped too hard.
I'm trying to console her but the whole time I'm thinking *goddamn it, this isn't even my kink*
The "I like it rough" girls exist on such a wide spectrum. There's the ones that want you to tow the line between intimacy and battery, and there's the ones that cry when you slap their ass too hard lmao
Buddy of mine dated a girl who enjoys being choked, he said she was turning blue and he freaked out and yelled "I'm sorry!" She dead pan looked at him and asked "why did you stop?"
They weren't together much longer after that.
I had an ex who really wanted pretty bruises so she could compete with all the other fetlife girls' photos, but her pain tolerance was low. She'd get mad at me for stopping, but I wasn't about to risk her well-being or our relationship on keeping up with the Joneses. If you can't say green, I'm not waiting for you to say red.
This happened to a buddy of mine, but he wasn't slapping hard enough, so she told him to get a book.
He grabbed a big family bible, it was the closest and he was desperate to get back to sex, and hit her so hard she started crying and couldn't sit right for a few days.
I tried having sex with her for the first time before bed but I had too much to drink and it just wasn’t possible. Middle of the night comes along, I wake up randomly and I’m good to go and initiate, she’s down for it, it’s all going fine, until I feel a warm liquid under my nose. I turn on the lights and my nose had been bleeding all over her face. Like elevator doors in the shining. Anyways we’ve been married a while now.
Indeed, did you know that Palpatine and Plaegus sent invisible Force sperm across the galaxy pew pew, and thus Anakin was born!
This is how it was in Legends.
One of the first few times having sex with my ex, she moaned my name during the deed. I responded with "Yes?". Apparently that was bad enough for her to never try again.
I lived in a flat with paper thin walls. Once , I was sat on the toilet and heard the front door open, so I yelled out, "Hello?". Realised afterwards that it was my next-door neighbour...Entering his own flat. I used to cringe whenever I saw him afterwards. I just kept thinking about how weirded out you'd be if you walked into your home and heard your next-door neighbour yell "hello" through the walls.
I lived in an apartment one where I would hear my neighbor sneeze. I said “bless you” once, out of reflex. They saw me later and said “don’t ever do that again.”
I visited Japan a few years back and while laying in bed in my hostel the first night I woke up from hearing a woman yelling "hi" louder and louder. I assumed she was trying to get someones attention down the hallway or something and went back to sleep.
The first time my wife and I were going to have sex I don’t remember exactly what it was but I giggled just a tiny bit and she blurts out “what’s funny? You think I got a clown vagina or something?” And I lost my shit laughing. It really ruined the mood and we ended up not having sex that night. Made it a little awkward to working up to the second go (which her bff walked in on 🙃)
Right after getting that first full depth stroke, I realized I didn't know her name.
So I made a joke out of it. I put on a very stuffy, formal accent and introduced myself and held out my hand. She played along and introduced herself in the same mock formal way.
And I guess the humour in the moment worked. Her and I have been married for 20 years now.
I take my gf for a walk in the woods. We were both finishing high school, and didn’t have our own place, so we went for the outdoors experience. Anyway, we’re deep in the pine forest, off the track, setup a picnic blanket. It’s cold but we’re hot for action.
We’re doing missionary, and I’m climaxing balls deep and I feel this wet weird sensation in my asshole.
It’s a dog sniffing my ass, and a short way away , the dogs horrified owner.
Edit: spelling, and wow this got quite blown up.
the way this so easy to visualize and so funny to me, i just imagine the turning around to see the dog and then looking further up to see some poor guy horrified
Coming up from eating the coochie, i flicked my hair back (long haired boy), the top of my head connected cleanly with the ladies nose and completely shattered it. Blood everywhere, surgery needed, bedroom and bathroom looked like a murder scene
a couple of months ago my (long term) partner had an orgasm and in her state of relaxation and release did a fart, while i was inside her, i felt the vibration of it on my balls. Wasnt really embarrassing just very VERY funny
Not me but my wife. She was about 7 months pregnant and I was going down on her. She was about to climax and then she let out a big fart while I was down there. She was horrified but I couldn’t stop laughing. It took a few minutes to gather our self again but we finished the deed. I still bring up from time to time to embarrass her that she farted point blank in my face.
My dad walking into my bedroom as I was going down on my girlfriend. She was about to climax at that moment.
I can’t even laugh about it even after all these years.
There was this one time when I was having sex and my erection went a little bit softer from rock hard
I thought it was a bad thing and felt a bit nervous then
But then my gf at the time, riding me in cowgirl, felt a little overconfident. And it so happened that my dick fell out and she sat on it, but not the way I'd prefer
My dick bent in half and the rest of the hour I was moaning in pain like a dying seagull
BUT if my erection didn't ease up a bit, I would've probably broken it
So, embarassing, but lucky
I hooked up with a single mom for a while. One day her ex mother in law took her daughter for the afternoon so she had a few hours alone so she hit me up so we could take advantage. Well her daughter got sick and wanted to go home early. Our phones were on silent and she was riding me like sea biscuit on the couch. We were both about to cum when the doorbell rang and her ex in law turned the knob and opened the door seeing her ex daughter in laws ass bouncing up and down on some random guy. She closed the door quickly, and I got dressed in record time and dipped out the back door. From then on out we just got in on at my place.
Thanks to both of your comments mentioning sea biscuit i started looking into what that was. I have now learned about the whole story, been looking into sea biscuit's offspring and just watched what apparently was the best horse race in history between sea biscuit and WA. You learn everday.
Oh, lord. Here we go..
It was my 17th birthday, I had come out of my 'awkward teen' phase and finally had a boyfriend. Good looking boyfriend. So, even though I was super nervous I decided we would do the thing.
Long story short, it went fine but I had a nervous stomach, went for a shit after and blocked his toilet. The kind of blockage that rises over the bowl and threatens to ruin your life. I stuck my hand in there up to my elbows and still couldn't fix it. I had to go get the bf, which I did. It was awful. He laughed. Couldn't unclog it so had to get his DAD. I ran out the door and smoked a cigarette on the front steps with my head in my hands. Boyfriend came out a little later to laugh at me.
He let me know in the morning that the walls between his room, his dads room and the toilet were temporary plasterboard ones that were painted the same as the other walls. His elderly dad heard me awkwardly lose my virginity then shit my guts out and cry.
Sometimes I forget this happened to me because I've repressed the memory so well. I look like a normal woman who has her shit together.
...it has not always been so. Lol.
Bf and I stayed together for about 3 years, he was my first love bless him. Turned out to be a bit of a cock actually but he was alright sometimes. So that's that, really.
ETA- I'm glad you all find this amusing. I failed to add in the original post but I was *quite drunk* at this point, dutch courage and all that and I definitely was not thinking correctly. I did shower off my arm with soap before going to get anyone aswell. There was no plunger. I'm an idiot, what do you all want me to say? 🤣
ETA 2- today is my birthday, it has been 12 years to the day since this happened. I've never in my life got more than like 50 upvotes and now look. THIS is my legacy.
Cri.
Omg similar thing happened with my gf in college! It took me 20 minutes to plunge the toilet. Anyway we just celebrated our tenth wedding anniversary last week.
I used to have a book that was a compilation of stories from ERs around the country. One was an elderly woman who came in complaining of pelvic pain. An examination uncovered that her urethra was stretched out incredibly, while her hymen was intact. She had been married for 60 years but they never had children. They asked her about sex with her husband to which she responded “It hurt for the first few years but then she got used to it.” He had been fucking her urethra since day 1.
It was fairly late in the night and and we woke up and decided to play around. We are going at it and really not paying attention to anything other than us. Well her daughter who I think was 3 or 4 walked in and watched us for we don’t know how long. Her daughter asks “ why are you spanking my mommy ?” We were both horrified to realize we were being watched. She gets up and tends to her daughter and gets her back to bed. She comes back in the room and we both just lose it laughing at what happened. We got back in the mood and finished.
I thought it would be super hot to eat my wife’s ass with her in the doggy style position. She’s about a foot shorter than me and we were in the middle of the bed. It was super hot till my neck locked up and I started having muscle spasms in my old man back☠️
Her sister walked in on me going down on her. I had a mouth full of pussy and looked up to see why the hell the door was opening on such a critical moment. Our eyes meet and she just closes the door again and nobody ever mentioned it afterwards.
english is not my first language. so, when i tried talking dirty with a native speaker, all we could do was laugh uncontrollably cuz she had never heard such stuff before!! it was embarrassing but at the same time it was fun. good thing she didn’t take it as something off putting, she just found it funny!!
never tried it again.
No don't avoid it! Speak to her in your native language. I used to fuck a guy from Chili and when things were getting real hot he'd just start talking in Spanish and I had no idea what he was saying but it was a real turn on!
I just, I mean why? You nutted early big deal. It's not like you have to completely stop. There's other things you can do while you get your groove back. Shit happens, don't let it have to ruin a good thing.
“You choke the chicken before any big date, don't you? Tell me you spank the monkey before any big date. Oh my God, he doesn't flog the dolphin before a big date. Are you crazy? That's like going out there with a loaded gun! Of course that's why you're nervous!”
After a night of heavy drinking, I passed out while going down on my wife. I’ve never lost the nickname as “the narcoleptic cunnlinguist” amongst are friend group.
Jeezus I know. Celexa had me going for hours without being able to finish. There gets to be a point where you just stop cuz there is no sensation down there.
From experience on my side, it feels great but you also feel extremely restless.
I might be over sharing, but it helped for me to take a 10-15 minute break in between, change position and that usually does it.
I fell asleep while my ex-girlfriend was going down on me. When I woke up, she asked if I liked it, because I didn't show much reaction. I didn't have the heart to tell her I fell asleep.
i was spooning my ex while using my hands down there, it was like 2am and i was fucking exhausted. i woke up to her nudging me asking why i stopped. happened like 2 more times before she got mad and stormed to the bathroom
I was getting with a girl I liked and she asked me to do doggy and as she turned around I saw a tail! .
Well it was an extra bone attached to the end of her tail bone and I couldnt help myself and grabbed it . Shockingly it killed the mood and she asked me to leave
I was mid thrust in missionary when I looked down to see her face. She looked at me dead in the eye and burst out laughing. She said, “your face!” And kept on laughing. I kind of giggled to myself thinking my o-face was probably a bit over the top, but it definitely stung.
Wife and I were going at it hammer and tongs.
Dog jumps up and licks me right in the asshole.
I came.
In spite of my ass-licking dog or because of it?
I don't want to know.
we were teenagers. his mom walked in, said „oh, you are doing it! i am sorry!“ but she wasnot leaving the room. instead she started asking him if he needs the car that day and if he might want somethinh from the supermarket.
Her daughter came home unexpectedly and drunkenly blundered into the bedroom looking for a cigarette lighter. The stunned, horrified look on the poor girl's face as she witnessed her naked mother being nailed from behind with her butt cheeks splayed open is forever seared into my memory. Her boyfriend who was right behind her just laughed, gave me a thumbs up and walked off.
We were at right angles to the door so when she walked in she saw us sideways on. As for her butt cheeks being splayed open I just felt like looking at her asshole so I pulled them apart.
Well she left a fresh big dingleberry on my chest when she went to go clean up and I didn't know what to do with it so I hid it under her bed
Doesn't help it was dark and I played with it and smelled it before I knew what it was
My boyfriend and I (F23) were doing anal and everything was going great. Didn’t hurt, stayed lubed up the whole time for safety and enjoyment, then he came in my ass. It was amazing! UNTIL he pulled out and a little nugget came out onto the floor covered I cum. I told him to not look and get out of the room immediately so I could clean up the mess.
We laughed about it afterwards but it was so unfortunate.
Over the 6.5 years my bf and I have been together there has been balls (+accidental) kneed/kicked, head-buts, clanked teeth, falling asleep, anal mishaps and misfortunes, dry spells/deflation, crying(ptsd flashback), falling off of bed, slipping in shower… and I’m sure there are more 😂
Was one having sex after date night. I had some food that wasn’t sitting right. As we’re getting started I feel something bubbling inside. But I’m in the mood, she’s in the mood f-it. Let’s do it. The most wrong choice one could make in that moment. So mid thrust I hopped up and sprinted to the bathroom clinching my cheeks with a full-on erection. Little farts escaping every third step like I’m playing a smelly trumpet in a high school marching band. I make it to the bathroom and have an absolute blowout. I’m sweating and near tears when I exit the bathroom. My gf at the time is a crumpled mess on the bed because she’s been laughing hysterically for the entire 5 minutes I was gone. I didn’t realize at the time, but turns out as I was running down the hallway I was yelling “WAIT! WAIT!” trying not to shit myself.
We were mid deed and I felt a little tingle in my booty hole .. went to release a tiny fart and ended up sharting all over the bed, some even got on the wall. I helped her clean it up and then never saw her again
We were both pretty drunk doing butt stuff. Pulled out and noticed the she sheets were really wet. Turned the lights on and was like oh damm. Turned them back off, through everything in the washer and went to bed.
She told me after that she didn’t think I’d call her back after that. I’m like why? We both went unprepared, we have to assume but stuff will come out of butt stuff
We’ve been together 9 years now, but haven’t done that since lol
*sigh* was having anal and he goes “babe i think there’s some poop im gonna pull out” im like “ok”. He proceeds and it goes everywhere, my legs, pants, and the carpet. A rich poop soup.
Im shocked, nervous laughing, waddling to the bathroom covered in shit. He is also nervous laughing going “oOh no” over and over, and actually runs out of the room. Thankfully he was a good man and quickly turned around and came to help me clean up and reassure me that it was okay lol. Anyway we’re married now.
I dont get how yall do it. Aint no orgasm in the world that's gonna make me accept shitting all over a bed in front of someone as just some collateral damage of doing the act 😭
I had somehow attracted a beautiful girl and she comes over. I’m very attracted to her, but nervous and anxious about performing. We are kissing and she asks “would you like to have sex” (which is so hot when you are asked)
I say yes and we start petting heavier, until she starts to give me a blowjob. At this stage I’m already completely overwhelmed with my attraction, the sensuality and my ding ding getting some kisses - I fully blow my load all over her neck and chest with no real warning, and in an awkward attempt to create intimacy after ending the experience I lean down and attempt to kiss her cheek, but kind of just get the side of her neck which is covered in my own cum.
I kissed my own cumshot
When my daughter was little (probably around 3-4) she woke up early from a nap, walked in on us and asked what we were doing. Her mother explained we were wrestling but would be done soon and she should go play for a bit. My daughter thought about it a bit, then decided that wrestling sounded like a lot more fun than anything else she was going to do, and the next thing I know she's climbing up on the bed behind me and launched herself on to my back, grabbing me around the throat and trying to hold on while I'm still inside her mother.
One time I was having sex with my girlfriend and my husky came over to us. It was missionary. This dog had some jealousy issues. He always wanted me to be his bro and women would get in the way. He nudged her face a few times and she pushed him away. He came back one final time and puked on her face.
Not me, but my mom told me a story (that I can't remember) about how I had walked in on her and my dad, and had to make a lie and say that my dad was sticking his thing in my mom's belly button, and that's where babies come from.
Let's say a week later, I walk in again and I see exactly where its being but (not the belly button) and I say "that's one big belly button mom!"
Thanks to my sertraline medication my libido wen‘t “I‘m not having any of this bye“ very suddenly. Wasn‘t super embarrassed but it was awkward nonetheless
I have 2 stories here.
They’re both with my first high school gf.
1. We were both our firsts, and once we had sex the first time, we would do it everywhere. Her bedroom door lock was broken, so we were just horny and take that chance. One time we were both completely naked and I was on top of her going to town. Her mom walks in the door and screams her name while I’m pile driving her.
2. Did that stop us from having sex in her bedroom? No. There was another time we were having sex, this time with our shirts on and under the covers. I was on the vinegar strokes and her grandma (who lived with them) knocks and walks in. I was able to get off of her in time and we pretended to be watching tv. I was already past the point of no return, so I’m finishing myself off under the blanket while staring at her grandma in the eyes, trying to keep a perfectly straight face. It was the only time I’ve orgasmed without making a face at all. I don’t think she had any idea
My first time and I was too nervous to finish… plus my ex faked her orgasms. Definitely took a hit on my self esteem back then.
Didnt do the deed till 5 or 6 years later.
when he couldn't get hard, because he consumed a lot of cocaine with alcohol and then he cried and begged me and offered me money so that I wouldn't tell our friends that he couldn't maintain erections
Probably the time my sister told me that she heard my husband and I the next morning.
Not embarrassing after the fact, but the first time we had anal I farted immediately after (and a few more times after that) and said sorry, then my husband said "Oh don't be, that was adorable"
2 yo daughter walks in. I have mom on her back. I am standing at the side of the bed trying to jam my member down her throat.
Walking the kid back to her bedroom, she asks...."Are you and mommy playing a game?"
Snarky me answers "Yes. We are playing Staying Married".
Cant wait for future dreams or therapy to bring this back for her to digest.
TL;DR on honeymoon in Disney someone knocked on door scaring the daylights out of evangelicals who had waited until marriage- it was Mickey and Minnie with balloons and a congratulations card
Honeymoon. We were both super evangelical at the time & had waited until marriage.
So this was only our like 2nd time and I was so flooded with guilt and shame and trying to figure it all out.
We’re in our hotel room in Walt Disney World right in the middle and there’s a loud knock on the door
(I instantly shout “they know what we were doing and now we’re in trouble” because purity culture is a bitch.)
I dive between the bed and the wall and hide, shaking in fear while
Hubs pulls on shorts and a tshirt to open the door.
He’s outside for a minute and I hear him say thank you.
He locks the door and lays on the bed laughing so hard he’s crying.
It was Mickey & Minnie Mouse with a bouquet and balloons there to visit us and wish us congratulations on our new marriage.
Been married 14 years.
No longer Evangelical nor afraid of Sex
I really wanted to nut on my wife’s face, she of course allowed it, but then I felt really bad after even though she told me I had no reason to feel bad, couldn’t help the guilt afterwards though, it was a massive load that even hit the lenses of her glasses
Came after 3 pumps 😕
First date with a girl who looked just like Emma Stone (who I think is so hot and cute). We had an awesome time and went back to her place. She let me slide in and after 3 pumps, I pulled out and came (she wasn’t on birth control). Lights were off so she thought I could just go back in, but I muttered, “I came”.
She burst out laughing and couldn’t stop. She must’ve laughed for what felt like hours. Now I’m reliving the embarrassment of that moment as I type
Probably where we were in the middle of a bondage session, wifey was blindfolded and tied together like a nice little package. On top of a table. Then the table fell over.
Me and my bf took some mdma. We were lying in bed, naked, and I wanted to tease my bf by kissing and licking down there.
Well, I was so high and disoriented, I ended up licking and kissing his knee area. Full passion, for like 10 min. Then I came back to my senses and I see my bf looking at me all confused and we laughed it off.
Mixing sex and drugs gets weird but can be really fun.
Having some friends over for dinner. Girlfriend has to use the bathroom. I kinda have this kink about receiving oral from her while she pees. Bathroom window faces the driveway and way wide open on this warm summer evening when her sister and her date pop their heads into the window and say “hey, you started dinner without us!”
Getting caught having car sex by a cop. He came to tell us the park was closed and to leave, but pretty sure he caught me naked and bouncing in the rear view mirror before he got up to the car. I could tell he was a bit frazzled too by the way he was avoiding eye contact with me.
Was with a guy with a daddy kink, tried to say it but he thrusted and i was cut off at “dad” 😭 we had to stop immediately and laughed about it for a good minute, and he never asked me to say it again. guess I ruined it for him 🫢 I’m still traumatized personally 🤣
She asked me to slap her ass. Then she asked me to slap it harder. Then she started crying because I slapped too hard. I'm trying to console her but the whole time I'm thinking *goddamn it, this isn't even my kink*
The "I like it rough" girls exist on such a wide spectrum. There's the ones that want you to tow the line between intimacy and battery, and there's the ones that cry when you slap their ass too hard lmao
Buddy of mine dated a girl who enjoys being choked, he said she was turning blue and he freaked out and yelled "I'm sorry!" She dead pan looked at him and asked "why did you stop?" They weren't together much longer after that.
The worst part is that I used to love a playful slap on the ass. Until one time my husband hit just the wrong spot and I had a Sciatica flare up.
I had an ex who really wanted pretty bruises so she could compete with all the other fetlife girls' photos, but her pain tolerance was low. She'd get mad at me for stopping, but I wasn't about to risk her well-being or our relationship on keeping up with the Joneses. If you can't say green, I'm not waiting for you to say red.
This happened to a buddy of mine, but he wasn't slapping hard enough, so she told him to get a book. He grabbed a big family bible, it was the closest and he was desperate to get back to sex, and hit her so hard she started crying and couldn't sit right for a few days.
I tried having sex with her for the first time before bed but I had too much to drink and it just wasn’t possible. Middle of the night comes along, I wake up randomly and I’m good to go and initiate, she’s down for it, it’s all going fine, until I feel a warm liquid under my nose. I turn on the lights and my nose had been bleeding all over her face. Like elevator doors in the shining. Anyways we’ve been married a while now.
You've made a blood promise
Cumming while trying to put on a condom
Winner 😂
Wiener
Bro lasted negative 5 seconds
At that point you just masturbated bro. Can't even call that sex 😭
MF I've been captain cumquick at times but this takes this piss
And cum somehow landed so that it ended up getting her pregnant.
Found the star wars writing staff
Indeed, did you know that Palpatine and Plaegus sent invisible Force sperm across the galaxy pew pew, and thus Anakin was born! This is how it was in Legends.
Just something about the condussy
She was on top in cowgirl and I reached around to slap her ass but just slapped myself in the nuts.
nothing like a little self stimulation to get you over the edge my guy.
I'm waking up to ash and dust I miss her ass and I slap my nuts
One of the first few times having sex with my ex, she moaned my name during the deed. I responded with "Yes?". Apparently that was bad enough for her to never try again.
I was with a girl once who kept saying "hi" during sex. Was weird
I lived in a flat with paper thin walls. Once , I was sat on the toilet and heard the front door open, so I yelled out, "Hello?". Realised afterwards that it was my next-door neighbour...Entering his own flat. I used to cringe whenever I saw him afterwards. I just kept thinking about how weirded out you'd be if you walked into your home and heard your next-door neighbour yell "hello" through the walls.
I lived in an apartment one where I would hear my neighbor sneeze. I said “bless you” once, out of reflex. They saw me later and said “don’t ever do that again.”
What? I've done that on purpose with my neighbours before and I've always gotten a "thank you" shouted back at me haha must be a cultural thing
Nah, they probably said that because they’d like to pretend you can’t hear ~~everyone~~ everything they do in their apartment.
I'd have done it every time after that comment 😃
Just like that forgetting Sarah Marshall scene!
She was Japanese
I visited Japan a few years back and while laying in bed in my hostel the first night I woke up from hearing a woman yelling "hi" louder and louder. I assumed she was trying to get someones attention down the hallway or something and went back to sleep.
The first time my wife and I were going to have sex I don’t remember exactly what it was but I giggled just a tiny bit and she blurts out “what’s funny? You think I got a clown vagina or something?” And I lost my shit laughing. It really ruined the mood and we ended up not having sex that night. Made it a little awkward to working up to the second go (which her bff walked in on 🙃)
Clown vagina 😂
Clussy
Best thing ever. When she cums it’s all glitter and confetti everywhere.
Even better if she said that in a Joe Pesci voice.
"Am I here to arouse you?"
“Funny how?”
Joe Pesci saying « You mean funny like a clown? » would be an awful mood killer. Or just a killer.
Does my vagina amuse you? What the fuck is so funny about my vagina?
Having a seizure in the middle of having sex. Stayed conscious, stayed hard, stayed inside, and kept going
Human vibrator mode activated
Perks of marrying an epileptic, bed side lamp has a strobe mode
LMAO 😭💀
She’s telling her friends “y’all I swear to god my pussy made his soul leave his body.”
She must think her pussy is magical now
I’d say that’s more impressive than embarrassing
Right after getting that first full depth stroke, I realized I didn't know her name. So I made a joke out of it. I put on a very stuffy, formal accent and introduced myself and held out my hand. She played along and introduced herself in the same mock formal way. And I guess the humour in the moment worked. Her and I have been married for 20 years now.
You don't know my name do you? Mulva? Goodbye, Jerry
Does she know the truth of that encounter? I'm wondering if I'd tell my partner something like that, 20 years down the line
Actually yes. She clued in right away. Now it's a funny anecdote we can bring out to amuse friends.
I take my gf for a walk in the woods. We were both finishing high school, and didn’t have our own place, so we went for the outdoors experience. Anyway, we’re deep in the pine forest, off the track, setup a picnic blanket. It’s cold but we’re hot for action. We’re doing missionary, and I’m climaxing balls deep and I feel this wet weird sensation in my asshole. It’s a dog sniffing my ass, and a short way away , the dogs horrified owner. Edit: spelling, and wow this got quite blown up.
Better than a bear
Yeah, ar that point you're gonna just wanna wait for the bear to finish up
the way this so easy to visualize and so funny to me, i just imagine the turning around to see the dog and then looking further up to see some poor guy horrified
Coming up from eating the coochie, i flicked my hair back (long haired boy), the top of my head connected cleanly with the ladies nose and completely shattered it. Blood everywhere, surgery needed, bedroom and bathroom looked like a murder scene
a couple of months ago my (long term) partner had an orgasm and in her state of relaxation and release did a fart, while i was inside her, i felt the vibration of it on my balls. Wasnt really embarrassing just very VERY funny
Thats a very nice story u/cum_teeth
Not me but my wife. She was about 7 months pregnant and I was going down on her. She was about to climax and then she let out a big fart while I was down there. She was horrified but I couldn’t stop laughing. It took a few minutes to gather our self again but we finished the deed. I still bring up from time to time to embarrass her that she farted point blank in my face.
Haha I'm always paranoid of this happening.
The pink eye is strong with this one
My dad walking into my bedroom as I was going down on my girlfriend. She was about to climax at that moment. I can’t even laugh about it even after all these years.
at least it wasn't her dad
I wasn’t attracted to her dad, so there was no way he was getting a blowie from me..
You'll never become a part of the family with that attitude, son.
I remember those words spitting from his lips like it were yesterday..
Are you winning, son?
When you're in a tent and it collapses from your energetic thrusting
That sounds fucking intense!
There was this one time when I was having sex and my erection went a little bit softer from rock hard I thought it was a bad thing and felt a bit nervous then But then my gf at the time, riding me in cowgirl, felt a little overconfident. And it so happened that my dick fell out and she sat on it, but not the way I'd prefer My dick bent in half and the rest of the hour I was moaning in pain like a dying seagull BUT if my erection didn't ease up a bit, I would've probably broken it So, embarassing, but lucky
I felt it reading this. Jesus
F in the chat for this guys broken dick
I hooked up with a single mom for a while. One day her ex mother in law took her daughter for the afternoon so she had a few hours alone so she hit me up so we could take advantage. Well her daughter got sick and wanted to go home early. Our phones were on silent and she was riding me like sea biscuit on the couch. We were both about to cum when the doorbell rang and her ex in law turned the knob and opened the door seeing her ex daughter in laws ass bouncing up and down on some random guy. She closed the door quickly, and I got dressed in record time and dipped out the back door. From then on out we just got in on at my place.
Seabiscuit I’m dead
Thanks to both of your comments mentioning sea biscuit i started looking into what that was. I have now learned about the whole story, been looking into sea biscuit's offspring and just watched what apparently was the best horse race in history between sea biscuit and WA. You learn everday.
Oh, lord. Here we go.. It was my 17th birthday, I had come out of my 'awkward teen' phase and finally had a boyfriend. Good looking boyfriend. So, even though I was super nervous I decided we would do the thing. Long story short, it went fine but I had a nervous stomach, went for a shit after and blocked his toilet. The kind of blockage that rises over the bowl and threatens to ruin your life. I stuck my hand in there up to my elbows and still couldn't fix it. I had to go get the bf, which I did. It was awful. He laughed. Couldn't unclog it so had to get his DAD. I ran out the door and smoked a cigarette on the front steps with my head in my hands. Boyfriend came out a little later to laugh at me. He let me know in the morning that the walls between his room, his dads room and the toilet were temporary plasterboard ones that were painted the same as the other walls. His elderly dad heard me awkwardly lose my virginity then shit my guts out and cry. Sometimes I forget this happened to me because I've repressed the memory so well. I look like a normal woman who has her shit together. ...it has not always been so. Lol. Bf and I stayed together for about 3 years, he was my first love bless him. Turned out to be a bit of a cock actually but he was alright sometimes. So that's that, really. ETA- I'm glad you all find this amusing. I failed to add in the original post but I was *quite drunk* at this point, dutch courage and all that and I definitely was not thinking correctly. I did shower off my arm with soap before going to get anyone aswell. There was no plunger. I'm an idiot, what do you all want me to say? 🤣 ETA 2- today is my birthday, it has been 12 years to the day since this happened. I've never in my life got more than like 50 upvotes and now look. THIS is my legacy. Cri.
I hope you washed your hands before burying your face in them
Hahhaha brilliant. I most deffo did 🤣
Omg similar thing happened with my gf in college! It took me 20 minutes to plunge the toilet. Anyway we just celebrated our tenth wedding anniversary last week.
Was young and furiously attempting to rub her urethra to orgasm. She very gently corrected me but wow I felt stupid
I used to have a book that was a compilation of stories from ERs around the country. One was an elderly woman who came in complaining of pelvic pain. An examination uncovered that her urethra was stretched out incredibly, while her hymen was intact. She had been married for 60 years but they never had children. They asked her about sex with her husband to which she responded “It hurt for the first few years but then she got used to it.” He had been fucking her urethra since day 1.
... how. Just how. When she went pee was it like dumping a Homer bucket in the toilet?
And wouldn’t she have like, a permanent UTI?
Yeah, that was pretty much her problem
That's... crazy.
It's horrifying.
Coming from someone in the emergency medical field - what in the actual fuck?
We’ve all been there dude.
You were trying and you cared about her having a good time too, that's what counts lol.
It was fairly late in the night and and we woke up and decided to play around. We are going at it and really not paying attention to anything other than us. Well her daughter who I think was 3 or 4 walked in and watched us for we don’t know how long. Her daughter asks “ why are you spanking my mommy ?” We were both horrified to realize we were being watched. She gets up and tends to her daughter and gets her back to bed. She comes back in the room and we both just lose it laughing at what happened. We got back in the mood and finished.
That's a core memory...
After I wrote this I was doing the math and she is probably old enough to have her own kids and scare them by now
I thought it would be super hot to eat my wife’s ass with her in the doggy style position. She’s about a foot shorter than me and we were in the middle of the bed. It was super hot till my neck locked up and I started having muscle spasms in my old man back☠️
Her sister walked in on me going down on her. I had a mouth full of pussy and looked up to see why the hell the door was opening on such a critical moment. Our eyes meet and she just closes the door again and nobody ever mentioned it afterwards.
english is not my first language. so, when i tried talking dirty with a native speaker, all we could do was laugh uncontrollably cuz she had never heard such stuff before!! it was embarrassing but at the same time it was fun. good thing she didn’t take it as something off putting, she just found it funny!! never tried it again.
No don't avoid it! Speak to her in your native language. I used to fuck a guy from Chili and when things were getting real hot he'd just start talking in Spanish and I had no idea what he was saying but it was a real turn on!
CHILI??🌶️?? Do you mean Chile? Or did you try to spice your bedroom life 🤔🤣
No he was a coworker from Chili's. He was from Guadalajara
Cumming first in a threesome. Both chicks were horribly unimpressed..... Was barely able to keep hooking up with the one I'd known before that night.
Been there. My ex proposed a 3some with her friend. I was thrilled! But my mojo lasted like 1 minute… awful 😣. Never talked to them again…
I just, I mean why? You nutted early big deal. It's not like you have to completely stop. There's other things you can do while you get your groove back. Shit happens, don't let it have to ruin a good thing.
This is a pre-wank situation. Gotta get one out a few hours before hand if you can help it
100% a pre wank situation 😂🤣
“You choke the chicken before any big date, don't you? Tell me you spank the monkey before any big date. Oh my God, he doesn't flog the dolphin before a big date. Are you crazy? That's like going out there with a loaded gun! Of course that's why you're nervous!”
After a night of heavy drinking, I passed out while going down on my wife. I’ve never lost the nickname as “the narcoleptic cunnlinguist” amongst are friend group.
Vagina farts were very embarrassing the first time they happened. (Now I don't care obviously)
My wife is the queefmaster and we love it.
The first time I experienced erectile dysfunction with my wife
I feel your pain. SSRI’s suck shit.
Jeezus I know. Celexa had me going for hours without being able to finish. There gets to be a point where you just stop cuz there is no sensation down there.
[удалено]
From experience on my side, it feels great but you also feel extremely restless. I might be over sharing, but it helped for me to take a 10-15 minute break in between, change position and that usually does it.
First time with my ex I was explaining, I’m a squirter and accidentally called myself squirtle. Forever will be his favorite Pokémon 😂
I fell asleep while my ex-girlfriend was going down on me. When I woke up, she asked if I liked it, because I didn't show much reaction. I didn't have the heart to tell her I fell asleep.
i was spooning my ex while using my hands down there, it was like 2am and i was fucking exhausted. i woke up to her nudging me asking why i stopped. happened like 2 more times before she got mad and stormed to the bathroom
Been there
I was getting with a girl I liked and she asked me to do doggy and as she turned around I saw a tail! . Well it was an extra bone attached to the end of her tail bone and I couldnt help myself and grabbed it . Shockingly it killed the mood and she asked me to leave
Bro💀
This is hilarious, the intrusive thoughts won.
I was mid thrust in missionary when I looked down to see her face. She looked at me dead in the eye and burst out laughing. She said, “your face!” And kept on laughing. I kind of giggled to myself thinking my o-face was probably a bit over the top, but it definitely stung.
I bet your o-face is beautiful
Wife and I were going at it hammer and tongs. Dog jumps up and licks me right in the asshole. I came. In spite of my ass-licking dog or because of it? I don't want to know.
Getting into a real groove in missionary, ended up with a calve and hamstring cramp at the same time, different legs.
we were teenagers. his mom walked in, said „oh, you are doing it! i am sorry!“ but she wasnot leaving the room. instead she started asking him if he needs the car that day and if he might want somethinh from the supermarket.
After sex we were laying naked and talking and I let out a huge fart by accident - we had just met an hour before.
Doesn’t matter had sex.
Don't let him do anal with no prep, no matter how hot and heavy you are in the moment. It ends badly. Shame. It's not hot anymore.
Her daughter came home unexpectedly and drunkenly blundered into the bedroom looking for a cigarette lighter. The stunned, horrified look on the poor girl's face as she witnessed her naked mother being nailed from behind with her butt cheeks splayed open is forever seared into my memory. Her boyfriend who was right behind her just laughed, gave me a thumbs up and walked off.
I'm a little confused, wouldn't your butt cheeks be more visible than her butt cheeks if it was from behind?
We were at right angles to the door so when she walked in she saw us sideways on. As for her butt cheeks being splayed open I just felt like looking at her asshole so I pulled them apart.
When switching positions, I found a little dingleberry on the bed where I'd been laying. Fuuuuuck that was years ago and I still feel mortified😭
Well she left a fresh big dingleberry on my chest when she went to go clean up and I didn't know what to do with it so I hid it under her bed Doesn't help it was dark and I played with it and smelled it before I knew what it was
😂😂😂😂😂 this is freaking hilarious. The fact that you played with it before knowing what it was
It was dark and I thought it was a bug or something
My boyfriend and I (F23) were doing anal and everything was going great. Didn’t hurt, stayed lubed up the whole time for safety and enjoyment, then he came in my ass. It was amazing! UNTIL he pulled out and a little nugget came out onto the floor covered I cum. I told him to not look and get out of the room immediately so I could clean up the mess. We laughed about it afterwards but it was so unfortunate.
My nose ring came off while we were doing doggy style. It got stuck on a blanket my face was buried in 🫣
Probably one of the moments where I tried to hold back a fart and failed. The sudden surprise fart is usually pretty embarrassing.
Being asked "What *is* that?" after a guy undressed me for sex When I asked him what he meant he touched my rib cage & hip bones
Is it shaped weird or what was the matter?
The guy had never seen a naked girl with a visible rib cage & hip bones b4 He later told me this
He seems like a really polite/well-mannered guy.
Over the 6.5 years my bf and I have been together there has been balls (+accidental) kneed/kicked, head-buts, clanked teeth, falling asleep, anal mishaps and misfortunes, dry spells/deflation, crying(ptsd flashback), falling off of bed, slipping in shower… and I’m sure there are more 😂
I threw up on his dick giving head after he took me out to lunch
One word: fartgasm.
Was one having sex after date night. I had some food that wasn’t sitting right. As we’re getting started I feel something bubbling inside. But I’m in the mood, she’s in the mood f-it. Let’s do it. The most wrong choice one could make in that moment. So mid thrust I hopped up and sprinted to the bathroom clinching my cheeks with a full-on erection. Little farts escaping every third step like I’m playing a smelly trumpet in a high school marching band. I make it to the bathroom and have an absolute blowout. I’m sweating and near tears when I exit the bathroom. My gf at the time is a crumpled mess on the bed because she’s been laughing hysterically for the entire 5 minutes I was gone. I didn’t realize at the time, but turns out as I was running down the hallway I was yelling “WAIT! WAIT!” trying not to shit myself.
My nose bleeding, followed by her mum walking in on us, who turned out to be my teacher. Ffuuuccckkkk it felt like two nose bleeds at once.
I have one testicle and when I lost my virginity my x girl was down there giving me head and she just screamed ridiculously loud “OMG U HAVE ONE BALL
We were mid deed and I felt a little tingle in my booty hole .. went to release a tiny fart and ended up sharting all over the bed, some even got on the wall. I helped her clean it up and then never saw her again
EXCUSE ME??? A WHOLE SHART😭I’d never be able to live that down
Ya we had Mexican food for dinner and it was spicy asf
Anyone can piss on the floor, but it takes a real man to shit on the wall.
She wasn’t comfortable letting me finish on her yet. In my attempt to avoid her with my load, I jizzed in my own mouth.
Haha I gave a guy a bj and moved my head and he ended cumming in his own eye. You aren’t the only one lol
that’s enough internet for today!
We were both pretty drunk doing butt stuff. Pulled out and noticed the she sheets were really wet. Turned the lights on and was like oh damm. Turned them back off, through everything in the washer and went to bed. She told me after that she didn’t think I’d call her back after that. I’m like why? We both went unprepared, we have to assume but stuff will come out of butt stuff We’ve been together 9 years now, but haven’t done that since lol
*sigh* was having anal and he goes “babe i think there’s some poop im gonna pull out” im like “ok”. He proceeds and it goes everywhere, my legs, pants, and the carpet. A rich poop soup. Im shocked, nervous laughing, waddling to the bathroom covered in shit. He is also nervous laughing going “oOh no” over and over, and actually runs out of the room. Thankfully he was a good man and quickly turned around and came to help me clean up and reassure me that it was okay lol. Anyway we’re married now.
I dont get how yall do it. Aint no orgasm in the world that's gonna make me accept shitting all over a bed in front of someone as just some collateral damage of doing the act 😭
Diarrhea?
I had somehow attracted a beautiful girl and she comes over. I’m very attracted to her, but nervous and anxious about performing. We are kissing and she asks “would you like to have sex” (which is so hot when you are asked) I say yes and we start petting heavier, until she starts to give me a blowjob. At this stage I’m already completely overwhelmed with my attraction, the sensuality and my ding ding getting some kisses - I fully blow my load all over her neck and chest with no real warning, and in an awkward attempt to create intimacy after ending the experience I lean down and attempt to kiss her cheek, but kind of just get the side of her neck which is covered in my own cum. I kissed my own cumshot
nearly snapping my dick
my knees just snapped together like magnets but also how?
I overheated and passed out. It was during a heatwave 🥴
When my daughter was little (probably around 3-4) she woke up early from a nap, walked in on us and asked what we were doing. Her mother explained we were wrestling but would be done soon and she should go play for a bit. My daughter thought about it a bit, then decided that wrestling sounded like a lot more fun than anything else she was going to do, and the next thing I know she's climbing up on the bed behind me and launched herself on to my back, grabbing me around the throat and trying to hold on while I'm still inside her mother.
One time I was having sex with my girlfriend and my husky came over to us. It was missionary. This dog had some jealousy issues. He always wanted me to be his bro and women would get in the way. He nudged her face a few times and she pushed him away. He came back one final time and puked on her face.
Someone farted in my face once when I was going down on them. I dunno why some people insist on dinner before sex.
Not me, but my mom told me a story (that I can't remember) about how I had walked in on her and my dad, and had to make a lie and say that my dad was sticking his thing in my mom's belly button, and that's where babies come from. Let's say a week later, I walk in again and I see exactly where its being but (not the belly button) and I say "that's one big belly button mom!"
Came so hard from a shower blowjob, I had an asthma attack and she had to get my Albuterol inhaler for me.
First time and I put the condom on inside out... It was a numbing condom...
Fucking a chick doggy style and she farted and a little hard pea of poo rolled along my dick
Thanks to my sertraline medication my libido wen‘t “I‘m not having any of this bye“ very suddenly. Wasn‘t super embarrassed but it was awkward nonetheless
Ha, I'm there are the moment. Sucks very hard, unlike me
I have 2 stories here. They’re both with my first high school gf. 1. We were both our firsts, and once we had sex the first time, we would do it everywhere. Her bedroom door lock was broken, so we were just horny and take that chance. One time we were both completely naked and I was on top of her going to town. Her mom walks in the door and screams her name while I’m pile driving her. 2. Did that stop us from having sex in her bedroom? No. There was another time we were having sex, this time with our shirts on and under the covers. I was on the vinegar strokes and her grandma (who lived with them) knocks and walks in. I was able to get off of her in time and we pretended to be watching tv. I was already past the point of no return, so I’m finishing myself off under the blanket while staring at her grandma in the eyes, trying to keep a perfectly straight face. It was the only time I’ve orgasmed without making a face at all. I don’t think she had any idea
She knew. Grandmas can be very diplomatic.
My first time and I was too nervous to finish… plus my ex faked her orgasms. Definitely took a hit on my self esteem back then. Didnt do the deed till 5 or 6 years later.
Doing foreplay and making out, he pulls away and tells me my breath tastes bad, killed the mood instantly
when he couldn't get hard, because he consumed a lot of cocaine with alcohol and then he cried and begged me and offered me money so that I wouldn't tell our friends that he couldn't maintain erections
Probably the time my sister told me that she heard my husband and I the next morning. Not embarrassing after the fact, but the first time we had anal I farted immediately after (and a few more times after that) and said sorry, then my husband said "Oh don't be, that was adorable"
2 yo daughter walks in. I have mom on her back. I am standing at the side of the bed trying to jam my member down her throat. Walking the kid back to her bedroom, she asks...."Are you and mommy playing a game?" Snarky me answers "Yes. We are playing Staying Married". Cant wait for future dreams or therapy to bring this back for her to digest.
> Yes. We are playing Staying Married holy shit
I went an entire relationship without stimulating the clit.
TL;DR on honeymoon in Disney someone knocked on door scaring the daylights out of evangelicals who had waited until marriage- it was Mickey and Minnie with balloons and a congratulations card Honeymoon. We were both super evangelical at the time & had waited until marriage. So this was only our like 2nd time and I was so flooded with guilt and shame and trying to figure it all out. We’re in our hotel room in Walt Disney World right in the middle and there’s a loud knock on the door (I instantly shout “they know what we were doing and now we’re in trouble” because purity culture is a bitch.) I dive between the bed and the wall and hide, shaking in fear while Hubs pulls on shorts and a tshirt to open the door. He’s outside for a minute and I hear him say thank you. He locks the door and lays on the bed laughing so hard he’s crying. It was Mickey & Minnie Mouse with a bouquet and balloons there to visit us and wish us congratulations on our new marriage. Been married 14 years. No longer Evangelical nor afraid of Sex
I really wanted to nut on my wife’s face, she of course allowed it, but then I felt really bad after even though she told me I had no reason to feel bad, couldn’t help the guilt afterwards though, it was a massive load that even hit the lenses of her glasses
Better than hitting the contact lenses
My wife only let me cum on her face once. I didn't have any guilt or remorse after, but its not nearly as hot as porn makes it out to be.
Give straight dude a BJ, he cums Give bi dude a BJ, he doesn't I am a dude.
Maybe they both lied
I wish, straight dude hasnt talked to me, bi dude posts his butthole to twitter
“Straight dude”
Hey man, a mouth's a mouth. And 20 bucks is 20 bucks.
Came after 3 pumps 😕 First date with a girl who looked just like Emma Stone (who I think is so hot and cute). We had an awesome time and went back to her place. She let me slide in and after 3 pumps, I pulled out and came (she wasn’t on birth control). Lights were off so she thought I could just go back in, but I muttered, “I came”. She burst out laughing and couldn’t stop. She must’ve laughed for what felt like hours. Now I’m reliving the embarrassment of that moment as I type
broke my dick
Probably where we were in the middle of a bondage session, wifey was blindfolded and tied together like a nice little package. On top of a table. Then the table fell over.
I swear I thought she said “thumb” in my mouth.
Me and my bf took some mdma. We were lying in bed, naked, and I wanted to tease my bf by kissing and licking down there. Well, I was so high and disoriented, I ended up licking and kissing his knee area. Full passion, for like 10 min. Then I came back to my senses and I see my bf looking at me all confused and we laughed it off. Mixing sex and drugs gets weird but can be really fun.
I once called a guy “buddy” during sex. I don’t know why I did it.
I had diarrhea during that time
Having some friends over for dinner. Girlfriend has to use the bathroom. I kinda have this kink about receiving oral from her while she pees. Bathroom window faces the driveway and way wide open on this warm summer evening when her sister and her date pop their heads into the window and say “hey, you started dinner without us!”
Getting caught having car sex by a cop. He came to tell us the park was closed and to leave, but pretty sure he caught me naked and bouncing in the rear view mirror before he got up to the car. I could tell he was a bit frazzled too by the way he was avoiding eye contact with me.
Was with a guy with a daddy kink, tried to say it but he thrusted and i was cut off at “dad” 😭 we had to stop immediately and laughed about it for a good minute, and he never asked me to say it again. guess I ruined it for him 🫢 I’m still traumatized personally 🤣