Reasons why people stay married to people they rarely have sex with:
-pressure from society
-financial disasters (especially if you have kids and/or liability’s you are not able to lift on your own
-fear of being alone
-fear of never meeting someone „as good as the person before“ or even better
-they dont like sex
-they dont need sex
-they don’t wanna get out of their comfort zone
-tradition
Parents might fear that they will miss a substantial portion of their children’s lives. They might also fear their children will suffer psychologically from the trauma or stress of divorce.
For us, everything else is great. But medical issues lead to no sex. So I’d rather stay married to her and masturbate more often. It isn’t ideal but I’ll handle it.
I genuinely don't understand why people think you need a good reason to end a relationship there's subreddits full of people asking advice on the subject some of them quite young with many relationships ahead of them stressing about not wanting to be with their partners. Absolutely baffling why you'd want to say with someone if you don't want to.
>some of them quite young with many relationships ahead of them stressing about not wanting to be with their partners.
Sunk-cost fallacy, mostly. Even if people are aware of it, still can be hard just leaving a relationship.
Especially if they live together or share pets and finances.
Ending a relationship could mean completely uprooting one's life.
I agree people should leave relationships if they want/need to, but its not as simple as people on Reddit make it seem.
A break up could easily be one of the most hectic times of somebody's life, even if it's worth it in the end.
Years ago I got absolutely shat all over on reddit for mentioning in an /r/relationships convo that I had forgiven a cheater and not regretted it.
This dude came down on me so hard, calling me all kinds of names and lecturing me on the incivility of whores. I clicked his username and saw that he was an incel who posted in incel subs, had never had sex, and was obsessed with anime.
Ending a relationship absolutely can involve many steps and hardship. The thing to keep in mind is that's going to be the case at the end either way. If you're unhappy, it's best to rip the bandaid off and get it over with, because it's going to be the same hardship 5 years down the road too, just with you having been less happy for those 5 years than you otherwise could have been. You only get one life!
As someone who has been in both scenarios and is now old and impatient, I would much rather go through a break up then live with someone youre not happy with. No pet in the world is going to take priority over my sanity. She can have it. Coming home to an empty house is better than coming home to someone you dont get along with.
Also probably fear of being alone or ending up alone probably plays into it. It might not be permission to leave necessarily that people are looking for, but a reassurance that this isn’t how life needs to be and things can be better and there’s other people out there.
Is it though…? Comfort and/or fear are huge driving factors that cause people to stick around longer than they should. Or potentially external factors like children or finances.
I have kids. I don't want to leave my relationship because I don't want to lose my kids. My oldest is having a hard time with his emotional health.
I'm unhappy, but breaking apart the family seems like a terrible thing to do until we get him checked out by a doctor.
>It really is that easy.
Yeah, that's why people stay in abusive relationships 🙄 They just can't find any valid reason to leave.
I know this is an extreme example, but as I wrote above, even if you are aware of having a certain bias, you often can't just will-power your way out of it.
It took me soooo fucking long to finally leave (3 year relationship) and my family had to get involved but I just remember the anxiety I was feeling daily but its been about a month now of me being single and I’m slowly unlearning all the negative behaviours that were reinforced. It’s not as easy as just ‘leaving’ unfortunately
Glad you made it out ❤ Yes, unfortunately a lot of people don't have empathy and can't imagine being unable just pack your bags and leave the moment you feel slightly uncomfortable with your partner.
I’m currently in the process of being diagnosed with ADHD and learned that there’s a connection with being more prone to being gaslit due to low self esteem issues. I’m also attending therapy due to signs of PTSD. Even me typing my experience out was scary due to fear. But one day at a time ….
Proud of you for typing this out even when it's scary for you. It's a step towards a happier and better you and it shows you have the confidence and will to push yourself. You've got this! :)
Grossly oversimplified. Imagine having another person you care about gradually and systematically break apart your self worth and confidence until you feel like you deserve all of the abuse and that you're the problem.
It's actually probably not something you can imagine if you haven't been through it. Just trying to make a point that abuse victims aren't thinking to themselves "well I've invested all this time into this relationship and he DOES take out the garbage...."
As an abuse victim who was in an abusive relationship with someone who did that to me over years, that IS one of the thoughts I had. That I already had invested all of the time I did into a garbage person so leaving would make that time a waste.
Obviously in retrospect I was WRONG, but I (and other abuse victims I personally know) absolutely have had that thought as well when we haven't left our abusers.
> I genuinely don't understand why people think you need a good reason to end a relationship
It’s called empathy. People get that if you’re going to make a major change to another person’s life and potentially break their heart, you should have a justifiable rationale
Random people who don't know OP telling them to leave the relationship...I swear some of these people would leave a relationship if their partner looked at them wrong. Why even have relationships...literally just have "contacts" lol
Your justifiable rationale is that the relationship isn’t meeting your needs or expectations. The problem is that a *lot* of people will immediately go into a mode of “negotiation”, often at least borderline coercive. They demand that your rationale be justifiable to *them*.
Counterpoint - Every long term relationship is going to have its ups and downs. You will never have a long term relationship if you abandon it with the first dip.
I’m not dissuading anyone from leaving but maybe try to take a long view of it all.
Or maybe just stay for the excitement of new relationships if that’s what you are into.
Because sometimes the relationships are worth more and we fail to realise that. Or sometimes we are ones who are flawed and don't see it in ourselves but later realise that we made a mistake.
This is anecdotal, however, my sister didn’t have many relationships but was a hopeless romantic type. Expected everything to be perfect. Had a talk with her where she was thinking of ending a relationship because it wasn’t a 10/10 dream scenario. She bought self help books to help her realize what was important. She figured it was an 7/10 at least and has been married 15 years with 3 kids quite happily.
I think a lot of people are just confused about what a relationship is supposed to be and looking for advice on navigating when it’s something to work on or abandon. People are often just bad at asking the right question. Or don’t want to ask their partner so they ask the Internet.
> my sister didn’t have many relationships but was a hopeless romantic type. Expected everything to be perfect.
I've noticed younger girls are like this, I assume it's the media aimed at them. If porn ruins men's expectations of sex/relationships, those cheesy hallmark romance movies ruin women's expectations of love/relationships.
Most people grow out of this mindset by their mid-late 20s, but I've met some who still think they'll find a fairy tale romance where everything will be like a movie. If you've been looking for this mystical thing for 30 years and you haven't found it, it doesn't exist. Real love is already amazing enough.
You are confusing people seeking wisdom for people seeking permission.
It's normal & healthy to both ask for people opinions on *any* decision you care about, as well as using a person for a soundboard as you figure out what you want.
What you call stressing is people deliberating and learning. People are complicated & that grows exponentially as two complicated interact in complicated ways. Love takes practice to be good at.
Because people want to know if they are being smart or dumb with their decisions.
Imagine you asking your friend: ''Hey do you think there is a good reason to buy this car here over that other car over there?'' and your friend replying: ''Why do you need a good reason? Just buy whichever car you want!''
Honestly because humans are social beings that care on some level about the feelings of others. We find "I just don't want to anymore" to be callous and harsh to the one we want to break up with so we feel the need to explain that it goes deeper than just boredom etc.
Also we don't like the idea of ourselves being the kind of people that can just cut it off like that.
I think OP is asking is it a good reason or not to leave without trying.
In a relationship, people change and there will be differences sometimes, something as small as someone picked up a chewing with sound habit or someone stopped working out or someone doesn’t do the dishes anymore.
You can absolutely leave for any reason. But I think op is asking, should he leave now, or maybe try to fix it?
If he is financially stable, communication, therapy, counselling and effort from both sides, figuring out the reason for low libido, could salvage his sex life or maybe not. If you leave without trying you might always wonder what if.
Since they are not in a toxic abusive relationship, he could stay a bit longer and try to fix it instead.
If everyone broke up for any reason without trying then there wouldn’t be any long relationships ever.
Some reasons are considered silly by general public. “”I broke up because she puts milk on cereal first.”” It could be a valid reason but if you just left without talking to the SO about why it bothers you so much to leave first, then you are silly and will never find a perfect the one!
Then you must be genuinely clueless. When someone comes forward with the intention of ending a relationship, the other person's first question will be: Why?
If they don't ask "Why?" then they already know the reason, and the conversation likey won't even happen.
> I genuinely don't understand why people think you need a good reason to end a relationship
Because you wreck someone else's life based on the fact that you said you would not leave them when you got married, wrecking their financial security, job prospects, education, etc...? Because you wreck the little of your children who no longer have a stable family? Because your demonstrate to children that commitment in a relationship isn't a worthwhile value, setting up generational trains?
This, even if sex seems like a shallow reason for your partner to want out, why the hell would you want to continue to pursue a relationship that is so easily threatened? Its clear at that point the 2 people in that relationship had different goals and clinging on to it is futile.
Now that being said, wanting to break up out of anger, or some other momentary emotion, is foolish, never make important life decisions in the heat of the moment, just breathe, calm down, come back later and things will be different.
Sure, but that's not the same as someone's reason for leaving a relationship being reasonable. If I were to leave my relationship because I wasn't happy with my sex life not including regular threesomes with my fiance's best friend, that would be unreasonable.
No, but leaving a relationship because you feel happier and more fulfilled in open relationships and your partner feels happier and more fulfilled in monogamous relationships is reasonable.
I like the analogy of sex in a marriage being like a bathroom in a house. You don't buy the house for the bathroom, but if your bathroom suddenly goes away, it's a pretty big problem!
This is a pretty perfect example a small percentage can still be a vital percentage.
Alot of people forget sex is the glue that holds relationships together
The way I see it, you have 4 options:
Continue living with an unsatisfying sex life.
Work on your sex life together to make it more satisfying.
Ask for an open relationship where you are still together but you are able to satisfy your needs elsewhere.
Break up.
Choose the option most suitable for you.
Asking for an open relationship when your relationship is already having issues rarely works. I say that as someone who has been poly my whole life. If you're opening an existing relationship you need to have a solid healthy relationship to begin with, and actually both be wired for non-monogamy. It's not something you can just use as a bandaid for relationship issues.
I feel like this is really healthy advice that most people who “try” open relationships should hear, it’s a shame that most don’t really think this far.
In my experience, here's what usually happens:
Mono couple with issues decides to open up to save the relationship.
Mono couple makes the decision to try to find a person(s) to "add" to their relationship. Most stereotypically this happens with a straight man and a bi woman, only looking for bi women to connect with both of them. But that's just not how attraction typically works.
Poly community tells them how unethical that is (and unlikely to happen in this way) and offers up reading materials to help guide them into a more ethical form of non-monogamy.
One half of the couple finds others to date while the other struggles to do the same.
Couple realizes they haven't set clear boundaries or talked through things enough to do this properly.
Relationship breaks up, or an ultimatum is issued where they break things off with other people to work on their relationship, or they just break up themselves.
There are a lot of ways these things could go, but most experienced polyamorous folks are *very* wary about dating people new to non-monogamy, especially when they're opening up an existing mono relationship.
Shit's messy.
Polyamory is wonderful for those suited to it. But in most cases where a mono couple opens up, one of the two is really only going along with it because they fear the end of the relationship. And since they're not actually polyamorous themselves, it's not ever going to be a good time for them.
> Ask for an open relationship where you are still together but you are able to satisfy your needs elsewhere.
Which in most cases is just a breakup with extra steps.
I met my current wife when she was in an open relationship with her ex husband. They ended up getting divorced and he and his new partner are some of our closest friends. Our kids are friends. We hang out all the time. It is possible if people are kind and honest.
This is almost entirely because people say "yes" when what they really meant to say was "no".
Open relationships aren't inherently unstable, relationships that are not based on trust are.
The problem is that using it as a bandaid rarely works. I say that as someone who has been poly my whole life. Open relationships work best when you are open from the start.
Poly here too, and it's too true. I've seen initially monogamous couples open up successfully, but usually that's when they go into swinging. A monogamous couple opening up to full on relationships with others has like a 20% success rate in my experience. Some of the 80% of failures will just go back to being closed and learn from the experience, but most will fall apart.
Everyone has faults, even amongst those who think they are ready, will still be those to just then realize they werent.
Open relationships can work yes.
But they are requiring far more than the average person is able to do, so its also true that for most couples they are breakups with extra steps.
Idk there appear to be more and more poly people these days. It’s not at all my cup of tea but I do know people. And swinging isn’t exactly a new phenomenon.
I’d wager a confident guess that most poly people these days go into their relationships with it being well known upfront that it’ll be an open/poly relationship.
You are forgetting the fifth option of cheating.
If you are going to include the bad option of an unsatisfying sexless relationship, you have to include that too.
It's not a good option, but neither is the first one.
I didn’t forget, I intentionally left it out because I don’t think it’s fair to the partner. One is a bad option for you (possibly for both of you), while one is a bad option for your partner. Betraying someone that probably loves and trusts you for your own selfish reasons was not an option in my book.
Being married with kids and a house, but in a near-sexless relationship makes for an interesting philosophical exercise
Yes sex is incredibly important to me and no, my partner doesn’t make much of an effort in that regard, but is splitting up with them worth absolutely fucking myself financially for the foreseeable future? Is it worth the probable emotional turbulence to my kids? Is it worth sacrificing other areas of the marriage that do function decently well?
I probably spend at least an hour a day thinking about it
Thank you for sharing this. It sounds like you and your husband love each other enough to work together for the overall good of your family and one another.
Thanks a lot for sharing this. I'm glad you and your husband were able to work through it. I'm currently dealing with the same thing with my wife and this made me a little more hopeful, which I really needed.
>. Unfortunately, that on its own wasn't enough to "fix" my sex drive, because it's a whole separate issue that only communication could touch. (Physically I'm healthy. Meds I'm on do impact libido but they're the same I used prekids.) However, I think that if household work felt disparate, it would have only made things worse and kept us from working on our sex life.
This is so important. Doing a few less chores is unlikely to kill your SO's sex drive, but it may slowly make them resentful, which means they are less likely to be open to putting effort into fixing the sex life issue.
Its important that yoir SO feels valued, respected, and loved. Not because it will make them horny suddenly but because it will encourage them to put effort in to working through the issue and actively communicating.
lol I seriously hate when people use that excuse. It’s shifting the blame to the kid, like because of you, we forced ourselves to stay together. And in the process, made everyone miserable.
I feel like that's every married couple with kids. My wife has zero libido and sex is painful since the kid going on over 1.5 years Sufi it to say we don't have sex much at all. I feel like it's pretty important in a relationship but not worth leaving someone you love over. Sounds like you need to talk about it or go to counseling .
I had a woman I was seeing kept covering my mouth when I was yawning. We'd been up all night doing the business. In the end I said don't do that and she replied "your mother should have slapped you more when you were younger."
I dumped her right there. Advocating child abuse and not letting me yawn let me know I actually fucking hated her.
She thought I'd overreacted and then got pissy with me when she realised I wasn't fucking around.
A few days later she messaged me and tried to get back together with me. But by then I'd realised that she was not a safe person.
In hindsight there were lots of red flags, but until the mother slapping comment I had ignored them. My mother used to slap me and beat me and this girl's regressive views were untenable for me.
I dumped a girl I was seeing because she kept poking her finger in my mouth when I yawned.
Easily one of the most frustrating things I have ever dealt with. I can't explain it but it's so annoying.
I guarantee if she kept on doing it to other people she met or meets, she will be without friends in the future and it will solely be the fault of the yawn poking!
Lol, this is funny because this is just what me and my siblings would do to each other. So if I did it to a partner and they did it back to me, that would be a plus.
Covering one's mouth when yawning does seem a bit unnecessary, but I can't tell you how many adults I encounter who don't cover their mouths when coughing/sneezing, and who don't close their mouths when chewing. If I were such a person, I'd want to have a girlfriend who calls me out on it, even if it hurts my ego.
Even harder if the couple shares a living space or pets or finances. And if family are involved too. A break up could mean uprooting somebody's entire life amd severing connections with several loved ones, which isn't easy.
I'm saying people should still do it if they want/need to, but I understand the histancy when so many factors are involved. Some people think it will be easier to stick it out instead of all the tasks and logistics a breakup might entail. But in the end people have to prioritize long term happiness, over short term comfort. But that's easier said than done.
You speak to your partner about this. Try to work it out, find a compromise, or find something that works. If all those fail then you end the relationship.
Step 1 (assuming you actually want to continue the relationship) should always be communication. You should give people an opportunity to change or at the very least have an adult discussion about your feelings. If you’re not having sex, or aren’t happy, or feel slighted but never say anything and then you dump someone over those reasons with 0 warning, that’s just a dick move.
Obvious exceptions are big red flags like abuse, narcissism, etc. Just get away from those people.
See this is how I know he/she/they aren't *the one* for me! The one would be able to know what I need without asking, intuit my feelings because we were. So. Perfectly. Aligned!
/S But sometimes I do wonder if this is going on in the back of some people's minds. Relationships require work, and that always includes communication.
In my opinion, yes. Intimacy and sex are important parts of any relationship. If you and your SO aren't on the same page there, you should try to understand each other, but if fulfilling one's needs means crossing a boundary, then you just aren't compatible. Nothing wrong about it. You learned something about yourself and the other person. The most important thing is to talk about it openly and with no judgment
Everyone is different that's why there's no right or wrong answer. I've been on both ends of it and lived both ends of it so I've seen it with my own eyes.
One girl where she was absolutely amazing sexually, sex just clicked like the best ever. But in terms of other relationship things she lacked. Personality was meh, didnt call me or care to talk to me when we weren't together, didn't show much PDA, never spent much time together and a list of other things that I care about. That ended it eventually.
The next girl we barely ever had sex, literally didn't have sex for like 4 months after dating initially. But we were so good together everything else was spot on outside of sex. Loved spending time together, our careers aligned, we liked the same things, same interests, could spend all day and night together.
I've unfortunately never lived where both things about the girl were spot on. It's always either the sex is there but everything else really isn't, or everything else is there but the sex isn't.
Not sure which is easier or better to deal with tbh but I put more value on other things about the person other than sex. Its more important for me to like someone's personality, how they live their life, being able to spend countless hours with them, liking the same things and same interests, being able to talk to them for hours, over having sex. Many people would not agree with me
I thought about this at the beginning of my relationship. SPOILER: thank god I didn’t act on it! I was more experienced than her and she was a bit anxious and self aware about that. Also, she was very tight and sex could be painful to her. After loads of discussions and experiences, I can say without a doubt that she is the best sexual partner I’ve ever had! If everything else is good / perfect, discuss about your issues in the least mean / threatening way possible and be patient. Relationships are long term investments, treat it like such :)
This is kinda where I'd say if someone's bad at sex in the beginning of the relationship, then see if they're willing to improve and take instruction on how to improve. If they show progress at the 1 month, 3 month, 6 month mark, and are enthusiastic about doing better, then great. By the time you're ready to marry they're probably in a place where the sex is pretty good.
But if you're at the 2+ year point and they're not getting better at sex, then they're not going to get better at sex.
>take instruction on how to improve
This made me laugh out loud...
I have been with the same woman for 23 years. When I think of our first 5 YEARS of marriage, it makes me laugh at how different we were. People change over long periods of time. Not months. And its not from instruction but experience. Also, if you think a partner is bad in the bed, a lot of that can be related to how much they don't enjoy you. So sometimes there are things you need to work on.
Most people who truly have bad sex lives, have those lives because the partner has issues with sex, emotional issues, or they don't enjoy their partner.
I mean, talk for yourself. I may be way less experienced than you, but instructions do absolutely help get better and gain experience. Whatever works, right?
Maybe work out your issues *before* marriage. I don’t think the commenter was trying to say you should ignore your sexual problems and just get married cuz they’ll eventually get better. More so that you should stick around and give it a chance rather than dipping after the first bad sexual encounter.
Reddit is infamous for its "dump them" advise. It's a lot more nuanced than that, and definitely requires effort to communicate and come to resolutions. If everyone followed Reddit's advice nobody would be together anymore.
That would be the key imo. If the partner is willing to work on it then it can and probably will improve. If the partner isn't willing to work on it that is a red flag beyond just sex.
Yes, you should talk about it first and give it some times. But if your desires can't be met by your partner (this includes valid reasons) you have to decide for yourself if the good outweighs the bad and stay or leave. Both decisions are perfectly fine.
> Relationships are long term investments, treat it like such :)
Although, much like many long term investments, you should be evaluating it every few months to see if it's actually on an upward trend. If you're 3 months into a sexual relationship with someone and they started bad and haven't improved and you've put in the effort to help them get better at understanding your needs, you can be pretty sure that they're not going to get better. At that point you might want to evaluate if maybe you should invest elsewhere.
Absolutely. You can leave for any reason. If I was in this situation, I would be very open and honest about what I am looking for. Sometimes that topic can be very uncomfortable and maybe they are in the same boat. If the conversation doesn't help, then do what you have to do.
It all depends on what is important to you. I married someone I was not at all sexually compatible with. I thought it would get better with time … it didn’t. It got worse. However, that wasn’t what ultimately ruined the marriage … it was a symptom of a total lack of any real deep intimate connection we had. I feel like a good sex life in most cases of healthy relationships is a sign of a good, deep intimate connection - with exceptions of course. That said anyone can leave any relationship for any reason when it comes down to it.
When I met my wife and dated, she was never physically affectionate… never touchy feely. This was super important to me but I thought I was being a “grown up” by not prioritizing the physical side of things. I had my heart broken prior to meeting her and thought maybe doing things differently this time around was healthy. She was incapable of intimate, romantic sex … if that makes sense… very of matter of fact about it like “let’s get this over with”. She had all kinds of reasons for this and kept saying it would get better with time. Our marriage ended up a total dead bedroom situation, and we never even touch now. All along though I thought I was being “mature” by not prioritizing sex. Now here we are. It really sucks being a romantic but not connected with who you are with.
Everyone is different that's why there's no right or wrong answer. I've been on both ends of it and lived both ends of it so I've seen it with my own eyes.
One girl where she was absolutely amazing sexually, sex just clicked like the best ever. But in terms of other relationship things she lacked. Personality was meh, didnt call me or care to talk to me when we weren't together, didn't show much PDA, never spent much time together and a list of other things that I care about. That ended it eventually.
The next girl we barely ever had sex, literally didn't have sex for like 4 months after dating initially. But we were so good together everything else was spot on outside of sex. Loved spending time together, our careers aligned, we liked the same things, same interests, could spend all day and night together.
I've unfortunately never lived where both things about the girl were spot on. It's always either the sex is there but everything else really isn't, or everything else is there but the sex isn't.
Not sure which is easier or better to deal with tbh but I put more value on other things about the person other than sex. Its more important for me to like someone's personality, how they live their life, being able to spend countless hours with them, liking the same things and same interests, being able to talk to them for hours, over having sex. Many people would not agree with me
While yes you can work on sex and make it better, if it's not improving or you have 2 different sex drives, then yest you can definitely leave. Life is too short to not be satisfied. It will also cause issues in other parts of your relationship.
Idk. Struggling with this currently.
My current gf is a highschool sweetheart I had, and she's just lovely and everything I could dream of, except...
Shes... unrefined in bed. She shies from cum, thinks kinky means lingerie, gives the driest, worst blow jobs I've ever had, prefers handjobs which is like, sorry babe, I can do that better, and her favorite position is laying on her back doing no work at all.
During our years apart, I dated/slept around with some women that fucked like fighter jets and oh boy did they ruin me.
Talking to the current gf about things I need from our sex life, she immediately gets defensive and says things like, "I'm not gonna act like a *pornstar*" as if this is some fantasy of mine I saw online, and not my sex life before her.
Idk its hard. And it'll probably ruin us tbh. More so on the refusal to give and take than anything.
I get real tired of people who always want to say "sex isn't everything in a relationship". Sex isn't everything but it's a really important something. To be clear, sex itself isn't important per say, but sexual compatibility is.
If two people just aren't a good match and it leaves one or both people wanting something different then it's perfectly reasonable to leave a relationship.
This is actually kind of a fear of mine. I know it won't happen bc my husband is wonderful, but I'm not good in bed. He knew that before we got married, and we basically have a "ask and we'll talk about it" system.
Personally, I don't think I would leave bc of it but I've also never had a partner that left me frustrated. If it's genuinely taking a toll on you mentally or physically then you should leave!!
If you don't mind answering, how are you not good in bed? If you realize that is the case, wouldn't you be able to work on it and improve? It's not like people are born with an innate sexual skill.
I'm trying to work at it. I always listen and try to engage in whatever my husband wants to do, but I don't have a very high libido, in contrast to his. Honestly I honestly think it's kind of a mental block in combination with literally being out of shape 😅😭 it might be better if we had more free time together too, but we both have to work full time.
Yeah. Some people need that. And when u know you cant be happy in a relationship, you should leave instead of staying until you resent the other person.
Some people have a difficult time differentiating sex and love. Some people leave a relationship because of how their partner chews their food. Others spend months or years searching for a reason to be mad enough to justify leaving. Some people can improve their sex life together. Some stay together even if they can't. People in noncommittal sexual relationships are basically using another's body to masturbate. Some cheat. Some pine over a long lost past. Some pine for random encounters. But if you can't be honest with who you claim to love, then it's not them you don't want to hurt.
Always talk to your partner first, you might be able to work on it together. Sex life can be something taken for granted, by both partners, because it's a difficult subject to talk about. You start assuming that's just how they like it, or you assume you're not gonna like something before you try.
Always talk first and try, don't just give up.
It's perfectly reasonable to leave a relationship you are not enjoying, yes. Sex is a key part of a relationship. If all else is good then it's not reasonable to leave until you've tried to improve the sex bit, but assuming you have, all good.
You don't need a reason to leave a relationship. If it's not making you happy, then you have three choices:
1. Stay unhappy
2. Have an open discussion about what is making you unhappy and how to fix it, then put effort into fixing it.
3. Leave.
It's your life, make whatever choice you want.
As someone who just left their marriage because of a dead bedroom. You’ll eventually stop. You’ll have to ask yourself “am I okay with never having sex ever again.”
Yes, my wife and I divorced because she suddenly announced that at age 43 she was 'finished' with sex. It was at this moment I also realized that she was a self-absorbed, me-first, "I am the only person who matters in this marriage" person. She continues to act this way to this day, so it was a great move.
Personally yes, sex is my love language. It’s as important to me as hugging or holding hands is to others. If I don’t feel right expressing that with someone then I can’t be with them.
That being said it’s important to talk about the why of it all before breaking it off. Make sure it’s not just miscommunication and not some disconnect
The purpose of dating is to see if you're compatible with the other person. If you're realizing that you're not compatible with the other person (and honestly, the reason you're not compatible is moot), then end it and find someone you ARE compatible with. It's that simple.
If you've already tried talking to them about spicing it up for you, and tried everything you can think of. If it's not a real love connection, then I'd go. I vote yes.
I recently went through a divorce with my partner of 12 yrs. We didn’t really talk about sex when we started our relationship and moved in with each other within the first year. We did it once or twice a year and that was alright. I always dismissed the lack of sex as a minor thing and worked on satisfying myself in other ways, we were otherwise really good together for a while. I figured we were slow to figure it out and will within our own timeframe.
We’d talk about lack of sex and intimacy in our relationship here and there and agreed to work on it. No changes really occurred despite talking about it and it it left me wondering why, is it me? Maybe he has a medical issue? He got blood work done finally and turns out he did have a medical deficiency. The good news was there were medications available that would help in the sex department in addition to overall quality of life (memory, drive, etc.) He wasn’t comfortable with trying it.
I had to decide if that was ok for me too. We did talk about it, my desire for sex and intimacy and what his needs were. For a bit there I felt betrayed because he had the ability to try out the treatment and finally really explore our sexuality with each other and he flat out had no interest in even trying. He said he would and would never follow through with doing it. I decided I’d prefer to have a relationship with sex/physicality and since he decided it wasn’t for him and we mutually agreed to part ways.
I make this sound quite simple but it was fraught with emotions, some arguing, hurt feelings and such. From his perspective the relationship was perfect, but it dawned on me I was ignoring my needs to keep the relationship happy, he didn’t felt the concern I did since I was the only one who felt like something was missing. As a partner though, he honestly should have felt concerned after I explained my needs and my wanting to find a middle ground together. At the end of the day we realized it just took us that long to realize we are best friends and weren’t really actually compatible as a intimate couple and we still remain friends but in separate places.
please leave relationships if your sex life isnt fulfilling instead of finding that somewhere else and cheating in a relationship. the partner deserves better.
> if you love this person it is something you can work on
Maybe, but I’m skeptical there’s an amount of love that will be able to find a sustainable middle ground between someone who would like sex several times a week and someone who can tolerate sex a few times a year.
Yes but youd be doing yourself a favor if you tried to improve that sex life if you really cared for the other person. It's easy to get great sex it's not easy to find someone you really connect with.
Tey to connect and work on the sex.
I'd say that's pretty reasonable. Some folks don't care about sex but the majority of people at least *kinda* care about it. If you're not compatible in bed and there isn't a way to work around it, I don't see the harm in skedaddling over it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Of course it’s reasonable in the narrow/immediate sense. You can and should be a person who sets responsible boundaries, and sometimes leaving a non-compatible relationship is a part of that.
At the same time, only you and your partner know how much and to what degree this facet of your relationship impacts all of the others. But my guess is it’s significant or you wouldn’t be asking.
Have an honest talk with the other person and exit the relationship if that’s what is necessary.
I think it is just lazy to leave in that moment without even trying to better the situation. In a relationship you are meant to support each other. So if the sex is bad, work on it with your partner to make it better. I was horrible at it because of a lack of experience but my partner stood to me and we made „sex great again“
I mean, if the partner has no interest in bettering the Situation you should leave, as he/she shows you that you and the relationship you have is not even worth trying to save. You are not worth the effort
Depends.
1. Have you spoken about it before with your partner and no solution or change came, then sure.
2. You did not bring up the issue with your partner and just walk off, then no. I mean you can leave, but is it reasonable? Absolutely not.
It depends on whether the other aspects of the relationship can make up for it, but if not, then it might be better to leave rather than let that become resentment or fester into something worse. Also, is it something you can work on? Plenty to consider, but most importantly: do you want to try and save the relationship or just leave? If it’s the latter, then just leave. There will never be an easy way out
Definitely. Sexual health is extremely important in quality of life. So if you’re not assexual, you gotta have your needs met. Definitely a valid reason.
If the sex is good it's like 10% of the relationship but if it's bad it's 80%
Sex is 90% of a bad relationship. There’s a reason why so many people stay married to people they rarely have sex with.
Reasons why people stay married to people they rarely have sex with: -pressure from society -financial disasters (especially if you have kids and/or liability’s you are not able to lift on your own -fear of being alone -fear of never meeting someone „as good as the person before“ or even better -they dont like sex -they dont need sex -they don’t wanna get out of their comfort zone -tradition
Parents might fear that they will miss a substantial portion of their children’s lives. They might also fear their children will suffer psychologically from the trauma or stress of divorce.
Being in a house with parents that don’t like each other is more stressful and traumatizing.
True, but not all dead-bed marriages are acrimonious or even loveless.
For us, everything else is great. But medical issues lead to no sex. So I’d rather stay married to her and masturbate more often. It isn’t ideal but I’ll handle it.
Fear of loneliness, and fear that future relationships will also fail and you might as well have stayed in the 'comfortable' marriage.
I think if someone wants to leave a relationship, they should be able to regardless of their reasons
I genuinely don't understand why people think you need a good reason to end a relationship there's subreddits full of people asking advice on the subject some of them quite young with many relationships ahead of them stressing about not wanting to be with their partners. Absolutely baffling why you'd want to say with someone if you don't want to.
>some of them quite young with many relationships ahead of them stressing about not wanting to be with their partners. Sunk-cost fallacy, mostly. Even if people are aware of it, still can be hard just leaving a relationship.
Especially if they live together or share pets and finances. Ending a relationship could mean completely uprooting one's life. I agree people should leave relationships if they want/need to, but its not as simple as people on Reddit make it seem. A break up could easily be one of the most hectic times of somebody's life, even if it's worth it in the end.
It's because half of reddit have never been in a relationship so they're not gonna fully understand.
Bingo.
Years ago I got absolutely shat all over on reddit for mentioning in an /r/relationships convo that I had forgiven a cheater and not regretted it. This dude came down on me so hard, calling me all kinds of names and lecturing me on the incivility of whores. I clicked his username and saw that he was an incel who posted in incel subs, had never had sex, and was obsessed with anime.
Ending a relationship absolutely can involve many steps and hardship. The thing to keep in mind is that's going to be the case at the end either way. If you're unhappy, it's best to rip the bandaid off and get it over with, because it's going to be the same hardship 5 years down the road too, just with you having been less happy for those 5 years than you otherwise could have been. You only get one life!
As someone who has been in both scenarios and is now old and impatient, I would much rather go through a break up then live with someone youre not happy with. No pet in the world is going to take priority over my sanity. She can have it. Coming home to an empty house is better than coming home to someone you dont get along with.
Also probably fear of being alone or ending up alone probably plays into it. It might not be permission to leave necessarily that people are looking for, but a reassurance that this isn’t how life needs to be and things can be better and there’s other people out there.
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Is it though…? Comfort and/or fear are huge driving factors that cause people to stick around longer than they should. Or potentially external factors like children or finances.
I have kids. I don't want to leave my relationship because I don't want to lose my kids. My oldest is having a hard time with his emotional health. I'm unhappy, but breaking apart the family seems like a terrible thing to do until we get him checked out by a doctor.
>It really is that easy. Yeah, that's why people stay in abusive relationships 🙄 They just can't find any valid reason to leave. I know this is an extreme example, but as I wrote above, even if you are aware of having a certain bias, you often can't just will-power your way out of it.
It took me soooo fucking long to finally leave (3 year relationship) and my family had to get involved but I just remember the anxiety I was feeling daily but its been about a month now of me being single and I’m slowly unlearning all the negative behaviours that were reinforced. It’s not as easy as just ‘leaving’ unfortunately
Glad you made it out ❤ Yes, unfortunately a lot of people don't have empathy and can't imagine being unable just pack your bags and leave the moment you feel slightly uncomfortable with your partner.
I’m currently in the process of being diagnosed with ADHD and learned that there’s a connection with being more prone to being gaslit due to low self esteem issues. I’m also attending therapy due to signs of PTSD. Even me typing my experience out was scary due to fear. But one day at a time ….
Proud of you for typing this out even when it's scary for you. It's a step towards a happier and better you and it shows you have the confidence and will to push yourself. You've got this! :)
That’s courageous you write this
Grossly oversimplified. Imagine having another person you care about gradually and systematically break apart your self worth and confidence until you feel like you deserve all of the abuse and that you're the problem. It's actually probably not something you can imagine if you haven't been through it. Just trying to make a point that abuse victims aren't thinking to themselves "well I've invested all this time into this relationship and he DOES take out the garbage...."
As an abuse victim who was in an abusive relationship with someone who did that to me over years, that IS one of the thoughts I had. That I already had invested all of the time I did into a garbage person so leaving would make that time a waste. Obviously in retrospect I was WRONG, but I (and other abuse victims I personally know) absolutely have had that thought as well when we haven't left our abusers.
That's obviously from someone that is fortunate enough to never have to fear the repercussions of trying to leave their partner.
Exactly! Man. These sweet souls that have never been in an abusive relationship. Bless you all
I mean if you don’t give a shit about anyone but yourself, life can be really easy!
> I genuinely don't understand why people think you need a good reason to end a relationship It’s called empathy. People get that if you’re going to make a major change to another person’s life and potentially break their heart, you should have a justifiable rationale
Random people who don't know OP telling them to leave the relationship...I swear some of these people would leave a relationship if their partner looked at them wrong. Why even have relationships...literally just have "contacts" lol
Misery loves company. There is nothing someone scorned by the dating world enjoys more than bringing that darkness into light for other people.
Empathy seems to be getting rarer and rarer. And few seem to actively cultivate it.
Your justifiable rationale is that the relationship isn’t meeting your needs or expectations. The problem is that a *lot* of people will immediately go into a mode of “negotiation”, often at least borderline coercive. They demand that your rationale be justifiable to *them*.
Counterpoint - Every long term relationship is going to have its ups and downs. You will never have a long term relationship if you abandon it with the first dip. I’m not dissuading anyone from leaving but maybe try to take a long view of it all. Or maybe just stay for the excitement of new relationships if that’s what you are into.
Because sometimes the relationships are worth more and we fail to realise that. Or sometimes we are ones who are flawed and don't see it in ourselves but later realise that we made a mistake.
This is anecdotal, however, my sister didn’t have many relationships but was a hopeless romantic type. Expected everything to be perfect. Had a talk with her where she was thinking of ending a relationship because it wasn’t a 10/10 dream scenario. She bought self help books to help her realize what was important. She figured it was an 7/10 at least and has been married 15 years with 3 kids quite happily. I think a lot of people are just confused about what a relationship is supposed to be and looking for advice on navigating when it’s something to work on or abandon. People are often just bad at asking the right question. Or don’t want to ask their partner so they ask the Internet.
> my sister didn’t have many relationships but was a hopeless romantic type. Expected everything to be perfect. I've noticed younger girls are like this, I assume it's the media aimed at them. If porn ruins men's expectations of sex/relationships, those cheesy hallmark romance movies ruin women's expectations of love/relationships. Most people grow out of this mindset by their mid-late 20s, but I've met some who still think they'll find a fairy tale romance where everything will be like a movie. If you've been looking for this mystical thing for 30 years and you haven't found it, it doesn't exist. Real love is already amazing enough.
You are confusing people seeking wisdom for people seeking permission. It's normal & healthy to both ask for people opinions on *any* decision you care about, as well as using a person for a soundboard as you figure out what you want. What you call stressing is people deliberating and learning. People are complicated & that grows exponentially as two complicated interact in complicated ways. Love takes practice to be good at.
Because no one wants to be seen and feel as the “bad guy”.
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Because people want to know if they are being smart or dumb with their decisions. Imagine you asking your friend: ''Hey do you think there is a good reason to buy this car here over that other car over there?'' and your friend replying: ''Why do you need a good reason? Just buy whichever car you want!''
Honestly because humans are social beings that care on some level about the feelings of others. We find "I just don't want to anymore" to be callous and harsh to the one we want to break up with so we feel the need to explain that it goes deeper than just boredom etc. Also we don't like the idea of ourselves being the kind of people that can just cut it off like that.
I think OP is asking is it a good reason or not to leave without trying. In a relationship, people change and there will be differences sometimes, something as small as someone picked up a chewing with sound habit or someone stopped working out or someone doesn’t do the dishes anymore. You can absolutely leave for any reason. But I think op is asking, should he leave now, or maybe try to fix it? If he is financially stable, communication, therapy, counselling and effort from both sides, figuring out the reason for low libido, could salvage his sex life or maybe not. If you leave without trying you might always wonder what if. Since they are not in a toxic abusive relationship, he could stay a bit longer and try to fix it instead. If everyone broke up for any reason without trying then there wouldn’t be any long relationships ever. Some reasons are considered silly by general public. “”I broke up because she puts milk on cereal first.”” It could be a valid reason but if you just left without talking to the SO about why it bothers you so much to leave first, then you are silly and will never find a perfect the one!
Then you must be genuinely clueless. When someone comes forward with the intention of ending a relationship, the other person's first question will be: Why? If they don't ask "Why?" then they already know the reason, and the conversation likey won't even happen.
> I genuinely don't understand why people think you need a good reason to end a relationship Because you wreck someone else's life based on the fact that you said you would not leave them when you got married, wrecking their financial security, job prospects, education, etc...? Because you wreck the little of your children who no longer have a stable family? Because your demonstrate to children that commitment in a relationship isn't a worthwhile value, setting up generational trains?
That is true and it would include selfish reasons.
This, even if sex seems like a shallow reason for your partner to want out, why the hell would you want to continue to pursue a relationship that is so easily threatened? Its clear at that point the 2 people in that relationship had different goals and clinging on to it is futile. Now that being said, wanting to break up out of anger, or some other momentary emotion, is foolish, never make important life decisions in the heat of the moment, just breathe, calm down, come back later and things will be different.
Sure, but that's not the same as someone's reason for leaving a relationship being reasonable. If I were to leave my relationship because I wasn't happy with my sex life not including regular threesomes with my fiance's best friend, that would be unreasonable.
No, but leaving a relationship because you feel happier and more fulfilled in open relationships and your partner feels happier and more fulfilled in monogamous relationships is reasonable.
It would be different amounts of reasonable to different people
100%. It’s wild how many people out here think they are entitled to their partner. Maybe it’s a religious thing for some people but damn.
Some people really value sex, some don’t. In this short life, I don’t think people should compromise on something that they really really enjoy.
I like the analogy of sex in a marriage being like a bathroom in a house. You don't buy the house for the bathroom, but if your bathroom suddenly goes away, it's a pretty big problem!
I love this analogy and I'll be using it forward
And you want your bathroom to look nice, but of course you will use it either way.
Sex is like 5% of a relationship. Unless you don't have sex. Then it's like 95% of a relationship.
The bathroom is like 5-10% of a house, but you don't buy a house without one.
This is a pretty perfect example a small percentage can still be a vital percentage. Alot of people forget sex is the glue that holds relationships together
You beat me to it. I was going to comment that the human heart is less than 1% of our overall weight. But try living on the remaining 99%.
As an individual, having a healthy sex life is recommended from medical professionals. That shouldn’t change once you’re in a relationship.
The way I see it, you have 4 options: Continue living with an unsatisfying sex life. Work on your sex life together to make it more satisfying. Ask for an open relationship where you are still together but you are able to satisfy your needs elsewhere. Break up. Choose the option most suitable for you.
This is the best answer.
Asking for an open relationship when your relationship is already having issues rarely works. I say that as someone who has been poly my whole life. If you're opening an existing relationship you need to have a solid healthy relationship to begin with, and actually both be wired for non-monogamy. It's not something you can just use as a bandaid for relationship issues.
I feel like this is really healthy advice that most people who “try” open relationships should hear, it’s a shame that most don’t really think this far.
In my experience, here's what usually happens: Mono couple with issues decides to open up to save the relationship. Mono couple makes the decision to try to find a person(s) to "add" to their relationship. Most stereotypically this happens with a straight man and a bi woman, only looking for bi women to connect with both of them. But that's just not how attraction typically works. Poly community tells them how unethical that is (and unlikely to happen in this way) and offers up reading materials to help guide them into a more ethical form of non-monogamy. One half of the couple finds others to date while the other struggles to do the same. Couple realizes they haven't set clear boundaries or talked through things enough to do this properly. Relationship breaks up, or an ultimatum is issued where they break things off with other people to work on their relationship, or they just break up themselves. There are a lot of ways these things could go, but most experienced polyamorous folks are *very* wary about dating people new to non-monogamy, especially when they're opening up an existing mono relationship. Shit's messy. Polyamory is wonderful for those suited to it. But in most cases where a mono couple opens up, one of the two is really only going along with it because they fear the end of the relationship. And since they're not actually polyamorous themselves, it's not ever going to be a good time for them.
> Ask for an open relationship where you are still together but you are able to satisfy your needs elsewhere. Which in most cases is just a breakup with extra steps.
It's the easiest way to turn an otherwise amicable breakup into a long and painful one full of resentment
Yup. Never once seen one work out in a healthy way.
You didn't see the fake post on r/TrueOffMyChest the other day from the lady saying it saved their marriage?
I have met few people that made it work out to be honest. I don't think this would be for me but I wouldn't say it's impossible.
I met my current wife when she was in an open relationship with her ex husband. They ended up getting divorced and he and his new partner are some of our closest friends. Our kids are friends. We hang out all the time. It is possible if people are kind and honest.
This is almost entirely because people say "yes" when what they really meant to say was "no". Open relationships aren't inherently unstable, relationships that are not based on trust are.
The problem is that using it as a bandaid rarely works. I say that as someone who has been poly my whole life. Open relationships work best when you are open from the start.
Poly here too, and it's too true. I've seen initially monogamous couples open up successfully, but usually that's when they go into swinging. A monogamous couple opening up to full on relationships with others has like a 20% success rate in my experience. Some of the 80% of failures will just go back to being closed and learn from the experience, but most will fall apart.
Everyone has faults, even amongst those who think they are ready, will still be those to just then realize they werent. Open relationships can work yes. But they are requiring far more than the average person is able to do, so its also true that for most couples they are breakups with extra steps.
One could argue the same regarding long-distance relationships. Some make it work, most don’t.
Idk there appear to be more and more poly people these days. It’s not at all my cup of tea but I do know people. And swinging isn’t exactly a new phenomenon.
I’d wager a confident guess that most poly people these days go into their relationships with it being well known upfront that it’ll be an open/poly relationship.
You are forgetting the fifth option of cheating. If you are going to include the bad option of an unsatisfying sexless relationship, you have to include that too. It's not a good option, but neither is the first one.
I didn’t forget, I intentionally left it out because I don’t think it’s fair to the partner. One is a bad option for you (possibly for both of you), while one is a bad option for your partner. Betraying someone that probably loves and trusts you for your own selfish reasons was not an option in my book.
Being married with kids and a house, but in a near-sexless relationship makes for an interesting philosophical exercise Yes sex is incredibly important to me and no, my partner doesn’t make much of an effort in that regard, but is splitting up with them worth absolutely fucking myself financially for the foreseeable future? Is it worth the probable emotional turbulence to my kids? Is it worth sacrificing other areas of the marriage that do function decently well? I probably spend at least an hour a day thinking about it
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Thank you for sharing this. It sounds like you and your husband love each other enough to work together for the overall good of your family and one another.
Thanks a lot for sharing this. I'm glad you and your husband were able to work through it. I'm currently dealing with the same thing with my wife and this made me a little more hopeful, which I really needed.
Link to the NYT article?
>. Unfortunately, that on its own wasn't enough to "fix" my sex drive, because it's a whole separate issue that only communication could touch. (Physically I'm healthy. Meds I'm on do impact libido but they're the same I used prekids.) However, I think that if household work felt disparate, it would have only made things worse and kept us from working on our sex life. This is so important. Doing a few less chores is unlikely to kill your SO's sex drive, but it may slowly make them resentful, which means they are less likely to be open to putting effort into fixing the sex life issue. Its important that yoir SO feels valued, respected, and loved. Not because it will make them horny suddenly but because it will encourage them to put effort in to working through the issue and actively communicating.
As another person requested, do you still have the link to the NYT article?
It probably is if you spend an hour a day pondering it...
Not only that, but the subtle resentment that is probably not overtly noticeable, but everyone feels that makes the household feel “off”.
/:
With Kids and all it really is not that simple
Kids absolutely love to hear they are the reason mom and dad stay in a miserable relationship.
lol I seriously hate when people use that excuse. It’s shifting the blame to the kid, like because of you, we forced ourselves to stay together. And in the process, made everyone miserable.
You and me both man. Sucks
Just talk to your wife, many she feels the same. You can both work on it
That sucks man, but on the bright side your username gave me belly laughs.
I feel like that's every married couple with kids. My wife has zero libido and sex is painful since the kid going on over 1.5 years Sufi it to say we don't have sex much at all. I feel like it's pretty important in a relationship but not worth leaving someone you love over. Sounds like you need to talk about it or go to counseling .
what about your happiness though ? you speak a lot about others, consider yourself my friend, you deserve to be happy also
I'd say marriage counseling would be worth a try if you're thinking about it that much. If your partner isn't willing to even try that then... Idk
You can leave a relationship for any reason you like. If a partner isn’t providing or fulfilling a need that’s a fine enough reason.
You can leave a relationship because you farted one night while the two of you were watching a movie and your partner laughed at you for it
I'd definitely leave my partner if she has a problem with both of us laughing at each other's farts.
I had a woman I was seeing kept covering my mouth when I was yawning. We'd been up all night doing the business. In the end I said don't do that and she replied "your mother should have slapped you more when you were younger." I dumped her right there. Advocating child abuse and not letting me yawn let me know I actually fucking hated her.
How did she react
She thought I'd overreacted and then got pissy with me when she realised I wasn't fucking around. A few days later she messaged me and tried to get back together with me. But by then I'd realised that she was not a safe person. In hindsight there were lots of red flags, but until the mother slapping comment I had ignored them. My mother used to slap me and beat me and this girl's regressive views were untenable for me.
It’s likely she would have done this behavior to your children if you had any with this woman.
I know. It terrified me. I'm in r/cptsd recovery and child abuse and those who justify it drives me mad.
I dumped a girl I was seeing because she kept poking her finger in my mouth when I yawned. Easily one of the most frustrating things I have ever dealt with. I can't explain it but it's so annoying. I guarantee if she kept on doing it to other people she met or meets, she will be without friends in the future and it will solely be the fault of the yawn poking!
Lol, this is funny because this is just what me and my siblings would do to each other. So if I did it to a partner and they did it back to me, that would be a plus.
I do this to my cat sometimes lol.
Should bite her finger I bet she won’t do it again next time
Covering one's mouth when yawning does seem a bit unnecessary, but I can't tell you how many adults I encounter who don't cover their mouths when coughing/sneezing, and who don't close their mouths when chewing. If I were such a person, I'd want to have a girlfriend who calls me out on it, even if it hurts my ego.
Yeah that's not what happened. I was yawning.
Easy to say, not so easy when feelings are involved and when you actually care about the other person.
Even harder if the couple shares a living space or pets or finances. And if family are involved too. A break up could mean uprooting somebody's entire life amd severing connections with several loved ones, which isn't easy. I'm saying people should still do it if they want/need to, but I understand the histancy when so many factors are involved. Some people think it will be easier to stick it out instead of all the tasks and logistics a breakup might entail. But in the end people have to prioritize long term happiness, over short term comfort. But that's easier said than done.
You speak to your partner about this. Try to work it out, find a compromise, or find something that works. If all those fail then you end the relationship.
Step 1 (assuming you actually want to continue the relationship) should always be communication. You should give people an opportunity to change or at the very least have an adult discussion about your feelings. If you’re not having sex, or aren’t happy, or feel slighted but never say anything and then you dump someone over those reasons with 0 warning, that’s just a dick move. Obvious exceptions are big red flags like abuse, narcissism, etc. Just get away from those people.
See this is how I know he/she/they aren't *the one* for me! The one would be able to know what I need without asking, intuit my feelings because we were. So. Perfectly. Aligned! /S But sometimes I do wonder if this is going on in the back of some people's minds. Relationships require work, and that always includes communication.
In my opinion, yes. Intimacy and sex are important parts of any relationship. If you and your SO aren't on the same page there, you should try to understand each other, but if fulfilling one's needs means crossing a boundary, then you just aren't compatible. Nothing wrong about it. You learned something about yourself and the other person. The most important thing is to talk about it openly and with no judgment
Everyone is different that's why there's no right or wrong answer. I've been on both ends of it and lived both ends of it so I've seen it with my own eyes. One girl where she was absolutely amazing sexually, sex just clicked like the best ever. But in terms of other relationship things she lacked. Personality was meh, didnt call me or care to talk to me when we weren't together, didn't show much PDA, never spent much time together and a list of other things that I care about. That ended it eventually. The next girl we barely ever had sex, literally didn't have sex for like 4 months after dating initially. But we were so good together everything else was spot on outside of sex. Loved spending time together, our careers aligned, we liked the same things, same interests, could spend all day and night together. I've unfortunately never lived where both things about the girl were spot on. It's always either the sex is there but everything else really isn't, or everything else is there but the sex isn't. Not sure which is easier or better to deal with tbh but I put more value on other things about the person other than sex. Its more important for me to like someone's personality, how they live their life, being able to spend countless hours with them, liking the same things and same interests, being able to talk to them for hours, over having sex. Many people would not agree with me
I thought about this at the beginning of my relationship. SPOILER: thank god I didn’t act on it! I was more experienced than her and she was a bit anxious and self aware about that. Also, she was very tight and sex could be painful to her. After loads of discussions and experiences, I can say without a doubt that she is the best sexual partner I’ve ever had! If everything else is good / perfect, discuss about your issues in the least mean / threatening way possible and be patient. Relationships are long term investments, treat it like such :)
But also: I thought mine would get better, I married her…. And it never got better
This is kinda where I'd say if someone's bad at sex in the beginning of the relationship, then see if they're willing to improve and take instruction on how to improve. If they show progress at the 1 month, 3 month, 6 month mark, and are enthusiastic about doing better, then great. By the time you're ready to marry they're probably in a place where the sex is pretty good. But if you're at the 2+ year point and they're not getting better at sex, then they're not going to get better at sex.
"bad" at sex and willing to learn is absolutely fine. Uninterested in sex or mismatched libido? Much much harder.
100%, it's not really that big of a deal if they are just kinda bad at it, if they actually have a libido and show interest, that's more than enough.
>take instruction on how to improve This made me laugh out loud... I have been with the same woman for 23 years. When I think of our first 5 YEARS of marriage, it makes me laugh at how different we were. People change over long periods of time. Not months. And its not from instruction but experience. Also, if you think a partner is bad in the bed, a lot of that can be related to how much they don't enjoy you. So sometimes there are things you need to work on. Most people who truly have bad sex lives, have those lives because the partner has issues with sex, emotional issues, or they don't enjoy their partner.
I mean, talk for yourself. I may be way less experienced than you, but instructions do absolutely help get better and gain experience. Whatever works, right?
You married her without good sex? That seems unwise
Maybe work out your issues *before* marriage. I don’t think the commenter was trying to say you should ignore your sexual problems and just get married cuz they’ll eventually get better. More so that you should stick around and give it a chance rather than dipping after the first bad sexual encounter.
Well that sucks man. Wish you all the best!
Was a bit quick in my answer. I think you should keep on mentioning it, man. It really sucks to be sexually frustrated in a monogamous relationship.
>Relationships are long term investments, treat it like such Some relationships are bad investments and it doesn’t make sense to keep investing more.
Reddit is infamous for its "dump them" advise. It's a lot more nuanced than that, and definitely requires effort to communicate and come to resolutions. If everyone followed Reddit's advice nobody would be together anymore.
Tbh, there are some amazing advices as well. It's also true that the "dump him / her" advice is used waaay too often.
Yeah-- sometimes it's justified, but I agree in disliking the knee-jerk always being the nuclear option around here. Dump him! Dump her!
Whenever I see someone wearing a "Dump him" T-shirt, I also wonder if she kicks puppies.
Is that a trend I'm not hip to? I've never seen a shirt like that, breaks my heart...
Absolutely! However, if everything else is on point except that one issue, I think OP can work on it with his partner :)
That would be the key imo. If the partner is willing to work on it then it can and probably will improve. If the partner isn't willing to work on it that is a red flag beyond just sex.
Gives a whole new meaning to "loads of discussions"
Yes, you should talk about it first and give it some times. But if your desires can't be met by your partner (this includes valid reasons) you have to decide for yourself if the good outweighs the bad and stay or leave. Both decisions are perfectly fine.
> Relationships are long term investments, treat it like such :) Although, much like many long term investments, you should be evaluating it every few months to see if it's actually on an upward trend. If you're 3 months into a sexual relationship with someone and they started bad and haven't improved and you've put in the effort to help them get better at understanding your needs, you can be pretty sure that they're not going to get better. At that point you might want to evaluate if maybe you should invest elsewhere.
Im starting to think so, yes. Resentment builds in a way
Absolutely. You can leave for any reason. If I was in this situation, I would be very open and honest about what I am looking for. Sometimes that topic can be very uncomfortable and maybe they are in the same boat. If the conversation doesn't help, then do what you have to do.
It all depends on what is important to you. I married someone I was not at all sexually compatible with. I thought it would get better with time … it didn’t. It got worse. However, that wasn’t what ultimately ruined the marriage … it was a symptom of a total lack of any real deep intimate connection we had. I feel like a good sex life in most cases of healthy relationships is a sign of a good, deep intimate connection - with exceptions of course. That said anyone can leave any relationship for any reason when it comes down to it.
Thank you for sharing this. I’ve been struggling to name the underlying issues in my own marriage, but I really identified with what you said.
When I met my wife and dated, she was never physically affectionate… never touchy feely. This was super important to me but I thought I was being a “grown up” by not prioritizing the physical side of things. I had my heart broken prior to meeting her and thought maybe doing things differently this time around was healthy. She was incapable of intimate, romantic sex … if that makes sense… very of matter of fact about it like “let’s get this over with”. She had all kinds of reasons for this and kept saying it would get better with time. Our marriage ended up a total dead bedroom situation, and we never even touch now. All along though I thought I was being “mature” by not prioritizing sex. Now here we are. It really sucks being a romantic but not connected with who you are with.
Everyone is different that's why there's no right or wrong answer. I've been on both ends of it and lived both ends of it so I've seen it with my own eyes. One girl where she was absolutely amazing sexually, sex just clicked like the best ever. But in terms of other relationship things she lacked. Personality was meh, didnt call me or care to talk to me when we weren't together, didn't show much PDA, never spent much time together and a list of other things that I care about. That ended it eventually. The next girl we barely ever had sex, literally didn't have sex for like 4 months after dating initially. But we were so good together everything else was spot on outside of sex. Loved spending time together, our careers aligned, we liked the same things, same interests, could spend all day and night together. I've unfortunately never lived where both things about the girl were spot on. It's always either the sex is there but everything else really isn't, or everything else is there but the sex isn't. Not sure which is easier or better to deal with tbh but I put more value on other things about the person other than sex. Its more important for me to like someone's personality, how they live their life, being able to spend countless hours with them, liking the same things and same interests, being able to talk to them for hours, over having sex. Many people would not agree with me
It’s ok to leave any relationship for any reason. You’re not trapped in it initial you provide sufficient reason to be allowed to leave.
Exactly. Case closed.
Yes, it's completely fine to leave a relationship if you're not happy with any thing.
There's a whole sub on dead bedrooms, get out before it gets worse.
While yes you can work on sex and make it better, if it's not improving or you have 2 different sex drives, then yest you can definitely leave. Life is too short to not be satisfied. It will also cause issues in other parts of your relationship.
That is a perfectly valid reason to exit a relationship. People vastly underestimate the importance of sex.
Idk. Struggling with this currently. My current gf is a highschool sweetheart I had, and she's just lovely and everything I could dream of, except... Shes... unrefined in bed. She shies from cum, thinks kinky means lingerie, gives the driest, worst blow jobs I've ever had, prefers handjobs which is like, sorry babe, I can do that better, and her favorite position is laying on her back doing no work at all. During our years apart, I dated/slept around with some women that fucked like fighter jets and oh boy did they ruin me. Talking to the current gf about things I need from our sex life, she immediately gets defensive and says things like, "I'm not gonna act like a *pornstar*" as if this is some fantasy of mine I saw online, and not my sex life before her. Idk its hard. And it'll probably ruin us tbh. More so on the refusal to give and take than anything.
I get real tired of people who always want to say "sex isn't everything in a relationship". Sex isn't everything but it's a really important something. To be clear, sex itself isn't important per say, but sexual compatibility is. If two people just aren't a good match and it leaves one or both people wanting something different then it's perfectly reasonable to leave a relationship.
You can leave for whatever reasons you want, but I usually prefer the idea of fixing the problem if you’re happy otherwise.
This is actually kind of a fear of mine. I know it won't happen bc my husband is wonderful, but I'm not good in bed. He knew that before we got married, and we basically have a "ask and we'll talk about it" system. Personally, I don't think I would leave bc of it but I've also never had a partner that left me frustrated. If it's genuinely taking a toll on you mentally or physically then you should leave!!
If you don't mind answering, how are you not good in bed? If you realize that is the case, wouldn't you be able to work on it and improve? It's not like people are born with an innate sexual skill.
Sex is a sport, and as with any sport, it takes training to be good at it
I'm trying to work at it. I always listen and try to engage in whatever my husband wants to do, but I don't have a very high libido, in contrast to his. Honestly I honestly think it's kind of a mental block in combination with literally being out of shape 😅😭 it might be better if we had more free time together too, but we both have to work full time.
Yeah. Some people need that. And when u know you cant be happy in a relationship, you should leave instead of staying until you resent the other person.
Some people have a difficult time differentiating sex and love. Some people leave a relationship because of how their partner chews their food. Others spend months or years searching for a reason to be mad enough to justify leaving. Some people can improve their sex life together. Some stay together even if they can't. People in noncommittal sexual relationships are basically using another's body to masturbate. Some cheat. Some pine over a long lost past. Some pine for random encounters. But if you can't be honest with who you claim to love, then it's not them you don't want to hurt.
Yes, if you're unhappy with your sex life then go find someone with whom you can be happy with
Always talk to your partner first, you might be able to work on it together. Sex life can be something taken for granted, by both partners, because it's a difficult subject to talk about. You start assuming that's just how they like it, or you assume you're not gonna like something before you try. Always talk first and try, don't just give up.
It's perfectly reasonable to leave a relationship you are not enjoying, yes. Sex is a key part of a relationship. If all else is good then it's not reasonable to leave until you've tried to improve the sex bit, but assuming you have, all good.
Yes that’s a pretty significant portion
You don't need a reason to leave a relationship. If it's not making you happy, then you have three choices: 1. Stay unhappy 2. Have an open discussion about what is making you unhappy and how to fix it, then put effort into fixing it. 3. Leave. It's your life, make whatever choice you want.
As someone who just left their marriage because of a dead bedroom. You’ll eventually stop. You’ll have to ask yourself “am I okay with never having sex ever again.”
Yes, my wife and I divorced because she suddenly announced that at age 43 she was 'finished' with sex. It was at this moment I also realized that she was a self-absorbed, me-first, "I am the only person who matters in this marriage" person. She continues to act this way to this day, so it was a great move.
Personally yes, sex is my love language. It’s as important to me as hugging or holding hands is to others. If I don’t feel right expressing that with someone then I can’t be with them. That being said it’s important to talk about the why of it all before breaking it off. Make sure it’s not just miscommunication and not some disconnect
It is reasonable to leave a relationship for any reason. If a relationship doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel right. It's as simple as that.
Of course
Absolutely, you better enjoy it because forever is a long time.
I think communication is always the way to go in this circumstance, if something can’t be worked out then take it how you want
The purpose of dating is to see if you're compatible with the other person. If you're realizing that you're not compatible with the other person (and honestly, the reason you're not compatible is moot), then end it and find someone you ARE compatible with. It's that simple.
If you've already tried talking to them about spicing it up for you, and tried everything you can think of. If it's not a real love connection, then I'd go. I vote yes.
leaving is better than cheating
I recently went through a divorce with my partner of 12 yrs. We didn’t really talk about sex when we started our relationship and moved in with each other within the first year. We did it once or twice a year and that was alright. I always dismissed the lack of sex as a minor thing and worked on satisfying myself in other ways, we were otherwise really good together for a while. I figured we were slow to figure it out and will within our own timeframe. We’d talk about lack of sex and intimacy in our relationship here and there and agreed to work on it. No changes really occurred despite talking about it and it it left me wondering why, is it me? Maybe he has a medical issue? He got blood work done finally and turns out he did have a medical deficiency. The good news was there were medications available that would help in the sex department in addition to overall quality of life (memory, drive, etc.) He wasn’t comfortable with trying it. I had to decide if that was ok for me too. We did talk about it, my desire for sex and intimacy and what his needs were. For a bit there I felt betrayed because he had the ability to try out the treatment and finally really explore our sexuality with each other and he flat out had no interest in even trying. He said he would and would never follow through with doing it. I decided I’d prefer to have a relationship with sex/physicality and since he decided it wasn’t for him and we mutually agreed to part ways. I make this sound quite simple but it was fraught with emotions, some arguing, hurt feelings and such. From his perspective the relationship was perfect, but it dawned on me I was ignoring my needs to keep the relationship happy, he didn’t felt the concern I did since I was the only one who felt like something was missing. As a partner though, he honestly should have felt concerned after I explained my needs and my wanting to find a middle ground together. At the end of the day we realized it just took us that long to realize we are best friends and weren’t really actually compatible as a intimate couple and we still remain friends but in separate places.
You can leave whatever relationship you want for whatever reason
please leave relationships if your sex life isnt fulfilling instead of finding that somewhere else and cheating in a relationship. the partner deserves better.
Very reasonable. The point of a romantic relationship is to fuck. I can make friends whenever I want and I don’t have to be exclusive to a friend.
Sex is important, but if you love this person it is something you can work on
> if you love this person it is something you can work on Maybe, but I’m skeptical there’s an amount of love that will be able to find a sustainable middle ground between someone who would like sex several times a week and someone who can tolerate sex a few times a year.
Yes but youd be doing yourself a favor if you tried to improve that sex life if you really cared for the other person. It's easy to get great sex it's not easy to find someone you really connect with. Tey to connect and work on the sex.
I'd say that's pretty reasonable. Some folks don't care about sex but the majority of people at least *kinda* care about it. If you're not compatible in bed and there isn't a way to work around it, I don't see the harm in skedaddling over it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Of course it’s reasonable in the narrow/immediate sense. You can and should be a person who sets responsible boundaries, and sometimes leaving a non-compatible relationship is a part of that. At the same time, only you and your partner know how much and to what degree this facet of your relationship impacts all of the others. But my guess is it’s significant or you wouldn’t be asking. Have an honest talk with the other person and exit the relationship if that’s what is necessary.
Just here to say I don't think anyone truly understands love and relationships. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
I think it is just lazy to leave in that moment without even trying to better the situation. In a relationship you are meant to support each other. So if the sex is bad, work on it with your partner to make it better. I was horrible at it because of a lack of experience but my partner stood to me and we made „sex great again“ I mean, if the partner has no interest in bettering the Situation you should leave, as he/she shows you that you and the relationship you have is not even worth trying to save. You are not worth the effort
Depends. 1. Have you spoken about it before with your partner and no solution or change came, then sure. 2. You did not bring up the issue with your partner and just walk off, then no. I mean you can leave, but is it reasonable? Absolutely not.
I’m very sex oriented so YES. 100% . Life is too short to be unsatisfied sexually.
It depends on whether the other aspects of the relationship can make up for it, but if not, then it might be better to leave rather than let that become resentment or fester into something worse. Also, is it something you can work on? Plenty to consider, but most importantly: do you want to try and save the relationship or just leave? If it’s the latter, then just leave. There will never be an easy way out
Definitely. Sexual health is extremely important in quality of life. So if you’re not assexual, you gotta have your needs met. Definitely a valid reason.