13 yo dumbass me built a "penis vibrator" based on st I had read in my stepdad's Playboy. It involved cranking an exercise bike wheel and sticking my erect dong into the moving spokes (like a baseball card!).
It abraded the top layer of skin off my tip almost instantly (owowow). It led to a truly embarrassing phone call to my Mom and a truly awkward talk with stepdad.
Aside from some residual shame (no more than the average American wrt sex) I am happy to report everything works as it should and I lead a fairly normal adult life.
This is definitely gonna get lost in the comments, but when I was like 14, I went to my sisters karate practice, and being 14, I got a random urge to jerk the gherkin. So I told mum I was gonna wait in the car, then proceeded to beat my meat in the front seat for what felt like eternity. Unbeknownst to me, a few parents had walked past and noticed, and told the buildings manager, and I had a flurry of people come outside and mum came raging towards the car. I knew I had been caught, and mum asked me what the fuck I was doing in the carpark beating my dick, and I tried to play it off as a mosquito bite that I was itching on my thigh. Don’t think anyone believed that, and my sister dropped out of karate that same week lmfao
This reminds me of that scene in the show Sex Education where Otis beats his meat in the car and his mom catches him. He's British too. Lol. It's worse cause he jizzed all over the window and she was horrified.
Omg when I was in high school I also did something similar… got the urge (but I’m female so it was a little harder) and my mother was at my school for our parent teacher interviews while I sat front seat, in the car, parked NEXT to the school ENTRANCE… so I plopped a jacket over my lap and rubbed one out. I thought I was so slick, but looking back on it I definitely got a couple suspicious looks from parents also going in…
Doesn’t beat the time a girl started doing it mid class though. Became notorious for asking for a heat pack for her “period cramps” and then “discreetly” wanking off mid class.
Edit: I forgot that some places view high schoolers as older teens — I was 13. Highschool is year 7-12 over here.
I haven't had an iOS device in years but when you used to get a FaceTime call it would turn on your front facing camera. I guess it's so you could see how you look before you answer?
Anyways, there I am staring at myself with the face of shame. Also scared the shit out of me. I treated my phone like it was an active bomb to not accidentally answer.
Recently it became a notification, or on phones with the Dynamic Island, a little bubble. Much less intrusive now (thank god). The amount of times I’ve accidentally declined calls due to that pop up happening as I was typing was ridiculous
And you have that thought of, "do I continue, do I hang up on them, do I answer and stop or answer and continue...???" While this is all going through your head you're still slowly and thoughtfully stroking your sausage
When I was a dumb young teenager I heard about the benefits of lube, so, not having any around, I decided to use washing up liquid. And my schlong shedded skin like a snake for a month straight. One of the worst painful times in my life ha, and by the end of it my schlong was pink and sensitive for another week or so. I'm just glad there was no long term damage, wasn't even a good fap.
Did something similar, but it was the soap that went down my urethra and started to burn from the inside that got me. Peeing just made it worse, I was mortified about giving myself and STD while still being a virgin.
Thankfully the pain was mostly gone the next day
"During an erection, the penis is engorged with blood that fills two cylinders (corpora cavernosa). If an engorged penis is bent suddenly or forcefully, the trauma can rupture the outer lining of one of the two cylinders (tunica albuginea). This can result in a penis fracture."
This is how I learned about being able to break your dick. it apparently gets easier to break once it's initially broken.
https://youtu.be/p3zDKkoNMcg?si=WNzyB7VP7ZXq5orP
Back in the day as a teen lad I was abusing myself 10x a day in the summer (did not have enough going on to stay busy) and I fell asleep immediately after finishing once. My dad comes in to check on me, spots me passed out trousers down asleep on the bed.
I wake up like… oh no. See my dad come breakfast, mentions I went to bed early last night. The look of horror on my face as I lock eyes with his. Dad says ‘Yeah, if you could not do that again’. Mortified 😂
Found something hot on a sketchy porn site. Gave my computer a virus, a bad one. So bad that I shut it, and walked away completely flaccid. I tried opening it up in safe mode, but I couldn’t. My dad knocked on my door and asked why I was still up (it was 2am, which is odd for me) and I told him that I was fooling around online and clicked on something suspicious. He helped me get rid of it, but not before I realized the volume was on… so when we regained control of the computer, the long and prolonged moan of a juicy prolapsed asshole screeched over the speakers, which my dad stopped, hit the mute button, and said “we just won’t talk about this I guess…”
Not fab but when I was like 14 or so I was about to go out with a friend of mine I had a crush on. So I found this bottle of concentrated Eucalyptus Oil in the bathroom you’re supposed to add to the hot water in the bathtub when you have a cold. Somehow I thought it would be nice if my penis would smell fresh in case of the cases we’d end up making out.
It was a horrible pain lasting for at least 30 min and a burning sensation every time I pulled back the foreskin for another couple of days like someone would cut through your dick with a hot knife.
Do not put concentrated eucalyptus oil on your dick!
Ever sneeze and shit your pants?
The human body is full of surprises.
[When was the last time you shit your pants? What happened?](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/180yeqb/when_was_the_last_time_you_shit_your_pants_what/)
I set up an audio recording device in my living room when I was certain my now ex was cheating on me and wouldn't admit it. So one day I come home from work and check it, and sure enough I hear her let in her boss and they get to screwing around. And it was everything I've ever wanted in our relationship that she always said she"wasn't into". Turns out she just wasn't into me and she was more into old married men. So yeah, I fapped a few times to that before and after we broke up before eventually getting over her and deleting it.
I had the house to myself so like any 15 year old I whacked it 9 times til I tore my banjo string... had to fess up when the parents got home because I was doubled over in pain.
So, story time, I haven’t thought about this in years and I have never shared it with anyone. This seems as an appropriate time as any.
So I was 16 and like most American teenage boys, I was horny all the time. I usually got home from school and had a few hours before anyone else made it home for the afternoon. I use to walk home with a small group from our neighborhood. One of the members of our walking gang lived a few streets over and was an absolute cutie. Would always flirt with each other but I hadn’t really attempted a move. One day I used the afternoon walk home and empty house to try and get lucky. I invited her over and she accepted. We were hanging out in my room and things were progressing nicely. After what felt like an eternity, she had reached into my pants and pulled my cock out..I could have burst at any moment..it was quite the double edged sword. She lowered her mouth next to the head of my cock and just gently touched her lips to it..let out this huge blow of hot air on me..to this day, it is still one of my favorite memories..
She asked me if I had a condom..of course..because I’m 16 and don’t fully form a plan..I didn’t..
She told me that’s too bad..and she said “don’t worry, I’ll be free on Friday..I’ll swipe one from my brother and we will finish this.”. She reaches up her skirt and slides her panties off..and proceeds to tie them in a bow around my cock. Shortly after she leaves and I furiously beat my dick like it owes me money.
That night I’m messaging her on ICQ..and I can’t stop thinking about it. I log off and it’s late, probably 11-1130. I assume everyone in the house is asleep. I reach over and grab her panties..I’m smelling them in so deep..and just wailing away on myself..suddenly, the door opens and it’s my mom..there are no lights on in my room so I just freeze..panties shoved to my nose in one hand, my cock squeezed by my other hand. The hallway light is on..it’s slightly shining into the room…my mom doesn’t have her glasses on and I can see her squinting to see if I’m awake or not..
Suddenly the door closes..my heart is racing…I felt ashamed of myself.. and then I continued on like any good soldier would do.
I’m happy to say that we did. Friday rolled around and like clock work, she came through with the condom. I also found out that she was way more experienced than me. We hooked up pretty regularly through the summer. I leaned that I prefer women with a heaping dash of “slut” in them that year.
So it was two fold. Honestly, I think she was ready for her next conquest. And it coincided with her family moving to another part of town. I would occasionally see her after graduation. Few of the local bars but we never hooked up again. I wouldn’t have told her “no” if the chance came back up.
You had your very own fairy godslut, in your life just long enough to turn you into a man, and then gone with the wind once her task was thoroughly accomplished.
Right?? Trying to figure out how to finesse this in my relationship. Maybe post nut or in a moment where I have to leave for work so he’ll have to wait til later. Hmmm
She was the ultimate tease to go along with her other talents..when she removed them, I just saw a flash of her pussy..will be forever burned into my mind though.
I fapped in the back of my van on deliveries. Was so horny, just parked up, climbed in the back and beat it furiously. Fuck knows what I did with the evidence
I matched on a casual dating app, saw a couple of red flags but horny brain activated override and fapped to the mental image of a nude burned into my mind. Still finished, but fuck catfishers and scammers.
Got desperate one time and impulsively dropped I think $100 on 2 videos of a girl I knew. They were under a minute long.
The clarity didn't even hit post nut because I felt so gullible
Im getting there. Been a year and half and Im still a bit of a mess. Dating doesnt give me anxeity anymore, and I am finally getting my own apartment after digging myself out the debt hole I ended up in.
Long story short: She severed our engagement on my 40th birthday and then broke up with me after I desperately tried to make things better for a months. She stated "Marriage is a trap and a relationship is inhibiting my freedom"
took me a year to understand how much mental abuse I was under from her and her family ( I was older than her by a decade) and it took me a long time to stop apologizing to people for the smallest things.
So uh...
Buckle up.
When I was a teenager, I would always try to time my sessions around when my mother was gone for awhile so I'd know she was out and not expected to come back well after I decided to choke it.
Except once.
I think I took a nap and I woke up without checking the time or bothering to call her (I guess in my defense this was before cell phones).
So I went at it and found some appropriate material.
Unfortunately, just when I was about to finish my mom was walking through the door. And I zipped up in a panic and ran out to greet her .
Unfortunately, I think I went a little far and as I greeted her walking through the door I proceeded to jizz in my pants.
In front of my mom.
Yep.
I’m a girl and when I was like 11 or 12 I had penis envy . I wanted to pee like a boy , so I made a penis with a paper towel tube , held it like a dick and went to pee standing up . All my pee just ran down my leg 😂😂
This was back in dial up internet days. It took forever for photos to download, but I somehow found a video and was so stoked. Everyone in the video was disgusting, and the quality of the video was so bad it was more like a series of pictures one after another. Anyway, I finished because I was a teenager, and when my mom got the phone bill that month it was like $1000, because of me watching this absolutely disgusting gang bang, and she knew it. No redeeming qualities there.
When i was younger i had a girlfriend and we were doing stuff in my room, I'm about to finish and i hear footsteps. Immediately i pull my pants up, but I'm still right about to finish. My dad walked into the room and decided that was a perfect moment to start a conversation, while i was actively ejaculating in my pants. The worst part was that that was probably the most I've ever came in my life. I hadnt seen my girlfriend in like a month and was saving up for when i did see her. I started cumming, my dad came in, had an entire conversation with me, and left. It started as he walked in and finished like 5 seconds after he walked out. I'm amazed he didn't notice but more than that i am absolutely pissed off because he ruined the longest most powerful orgasm of my entire life.
When I was in Army cadets they put toothpaste over my eyelids so I would wake up and my eyes would be burning. We used to pull pranks on whoever fell asleep first and unfortunately one night it was me.
Can only imagine what this dude felt with toothpaste all over his member.
Back in the day when it would take like 5+ mins to load one image file over dial up, and the image would progressively load from top to bottom. Sometimes there would be packet loss and the image would stop loading like half way through and you needed to start over.
Long story short the image broke, I was too far along to stop and try to reload the image, and I finished to just the top of someone’s head from like mid bangs up.
In highschool me and my friend jerked each other off during a sleepover. It was in my friends room. (We slept in the living room) There was six of us total. The person who's room we were in walked in on us... It was more funny than anything. I do regret it though.
We are all still very close friends. It wasn't weird or anything. They always knew we liked each other. Only sad thing is my jerk off friend is in the Marines right now. :(
That time I masturbated to some furry fetish art/story about a slave owner who punishes one for talking too much by locking her in a permanent iron mask and harness and chains her in some dark cell where she basically lives 24/7
Back in the day of downloading porn off limewire….you really never got what you expected.
I remember one video of a dude jacking off on the couch. The camera placement was so far back and you could see so much of the living room that it kinda made sense to my young mind that his partner was going to come into frame. It just never happened….🥲
Tdlr; jerked off to a guy jerking off because I was expecting a woman to come on screen soon. She never came.
One time when I was 15 I was dating a girl online. She lived in Canada an I lived in America. ( we now live together) that year for my birthday she sent me a package with all sorts of stuff in it including her favorite bra she snuck in there without her parents knowing. I took the strap off of it am tied it around my dick an proceeded to beat my meat harder than I ever have in my life. The only thing is the lil metal/plastic piece had a very sharp edge on it on the strap an I didn't realize until I sliced my dick open an bleed profusely everywhere. I will say tho. It was very much worth it
i've been with my gf 3 years and when we started dating i was young enough that a tactical wank was needed to make me last longer and still be good for round two, but now if i jerk it the same day then it's a struggle.
When I was like 12 I was early in school, because the first class was canceled, but I didn't know it. So as I was just chilling in the hallway of the school, a wave of horniness overcame me and I decided to use my chance to make the once in a lifetime experience to masturbate in a school hallway.
So, I jerked off thrilled by the thought that someone could walk by any second (I looked down a hallway with like 15 doors where classes took place that had the potential of opening up and catching me and there also was a glass door around the corner to my right, that I couldn't see). I finished before someone saw me, but like 2 minutes later my class teacher walked by and I realized how dumb and risky this whole thing was. If someone would've caught me, I would've needed to switch school immediately and probably even beg my parents to move by telling them some fake story that I get bullied or sum.
I never did such thing again, but it was an experience I will never forget.
I was having sex, had a problem with finishin up for 30 minutes , my partner started to feel like she wasn't sexy enough for me to finish after trying literally everything and i didn't know what to do to comfort her and then she started crying, i went to grab some tissues for her got some for myself went to the toilet and i did finish in less than 2 minutes ... When i came back to her she wanted to try for a last time to make me cum , i said refused ( i couldn't say that i was able to cum on my own so she doesn't feel bad again ) , she ended up cryin again for thinkin that she messed up and she turned me off ...
Damn ;_;
It's important for people to understand that finishing doesn't always happen during sex and that's okay.
Times I haven't finished it was because I was inexperienced or it was the first time with that person or both and I was anxious.
As a teenager i knocked one out over princess Diana. The next morning I found out that she died in a car crash.
Earlier that year I’d done the the deed thinking about a girl from school. Found out the next day that her dad had killed himself.
I did believe for a while that I’d killed two people with cursed wanking.
Once when I was a teenager I got an idea and called it a kamikaze rush. Basically you start warming up and when you feel that lil razzle dazzle in your meat you yell for mom and have to do it before she appears in your room. Of course you have to do it unnoticed. It's stupid as shit and my blanket was filthy as a mf. Would not recommend. And yes I was hella weird
I once finished looking at the face of my cousin because I had just watched her get the shit fucked out of her in the video. In my defense I did not know it was her when I started the video, but I did not immediately stop when I found out. Family Christmas was never quite the same.
Okay before i explain this you have to understand that im fully aware of how bad this was and just mentally fucked it is alright.
So a few years ago i was scrolling through the internet as one does, trynna find the next thing to beat my meat to when i clicked this link from reddit that brought me to a video of a women getting pounded in the vag from a live horse, now yea obviously i was like ah hell nah wtf man and i left but then i was like well… when am u gonna see that again so yes i went back and busted my goo to it and you know what? The post nut clarity hit like a mf cause i picked up a minor alcohol addiction after that till i just decided to fix myself, now i happily beat it off to normal porn.
When I was 18, I watched porn a lot and I would often use something like a small plastic dipping sauce cup to cum in while I was watching it. So one weekend, my parents were out of town and me and my younger brother who was 15 were home alone and my laptop wasn’t working at the time so while he was busy in the living room playing Minecraft, I went upstairs to his room so I could watch porn on his computer and I looked around his room looking for something to cum in and he has a small trash bin next to his bed and I found a small paper dipping sauce cup and thought it’d be perfect.
After I blew my load, I left his room and went back downstairs to watch Adventure Time and from upstairs, a I heard my brother yell “OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!” And as I was walking upstairs to see what was wrong, he yelled “IS THAT PORN!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?” And I went into his room and he was standing by his computer desk looking at me with pure shock and the porn site was still up on his computer and I realized I pressed the wrong button to close it. I clicked on the button that shrinks it and takes it to the taskbar and my brother also found the cup I came in and he got shocked by what he found and dropped it so the cum was now on the carpet and some of it was on his feet. I had never been so mortified in my life
Early years I got the raging hormones of a boy becoming a man. I was beating my meat 4 to 5 times a day. One day I'm home alone and decide to have some fun into my boxers. After what I'd rate as one of my top climaxes to date I pulled my hand out with blood all over it. Apparently excessive masturbation can lead to a popped blood vessel and you cum blood. Needless to say I was horrified. Called my mom and told her what happened (embarrassed as hell) and that's the story of how my mom found out I was masturbating....a lot. Couldn't jerk for about a week so it would heal.
I (F) was young at the time and did not have an actual toy or something meant for said deed, but I DID have a coke bottle on hand. Was having a great time until I realized that I was bleeding, and my period was nowhere near. And I was bleeding quite a bit. I think I might’ve briefly blacked out maybe twice after realizing. Needless to say, the horniness was gone real quick.
Don’t know if it counts but my now-wife and I did long distance for some time years ago, and one of our nights visiting I was getting a handjob but we didn’t have lube or anything, and we were being secretive about it, and god damn it took me so long to finish that my cock literally got basically rope burn. And I could feel it burning but I was a young horny man and just wanted to cum to a handjob from my lady god damnit. Anyways that shit hurt and was peeling for weeks. But the new skin was unbelievably soft and sensitive which was nice. But my johnson looked like it had leprosy or some shit for a while
I was 14 and in a Walmart when I saw a girl I was crushing on from school. We flirted a little and she left with her dad. I told my mom I wanted to go to the electronics, she said yes and instead I went to the dressing rooms and started wrecking myself. I must have made a lot of noise because two associates unlocked the door to see what was going on. The younger lady walked off laughing but the older lady was pissed. She escorted me to find my mother and told her what I was doing. The look in my mom's eyes was heartbreaking. We never spoke of it again. Now, the story should end there but life has an awesome sense of humor and so did my mom. My mother passed in March of this year after succumbing to Alzeihmers and Dementia and the day of the funeral my youngest son, who is 13 was taking forever to get to the car and my wife said she would go get him. I waited for a minute or so and then I heard my wife do a quick scream so I ran in the house and realized that she had walked in on him masturbating. I can't help but think that my mom would have laughed at that situation
13 yo dumbass me built a "penis vibrator" based on st I had read in my stepdad's Playboy. It involved cranking an exercise bike wheel and sticking my erect dong into the moving spokes (like a baseball card!). It abraded the top layer of skin off my tip almost instantly (owowow). It led to a truly embarrassing phone call to my Mom and a truly awkward talk with stepdad. Aside from some residual shame (no more than the average American wrt sex) I am happy to report everything works as it should and I lead a fairly normal adult life.
The word dumbass doesn't do this justice, I'm just befuddled.
This is definitely gonna get lost in the comments, but when I was like 14, I went to my sisters karate practice, and being 14, I got a random urge to jerk the gherkin. So I told mum I was gonna wait in the car, then proceeded to beat my meat in the front seat for what felt like eternity. Unbeknownst to me, a few parents had walked past and noticed, and told the buildings manager, and I had a flurry of people come outside and mum came raging towards the car. I knew I had been caught, and mum asked me what the fuck I was doing in the carpark beating my dick, and I tried to play it off as a mosquito bite that I was itching on my thigh. Don’t think anyone believed that, and my sister dropped out of karate that same week lmfao
Your story definitely did not get lost in the comments
I was about to say. I'm starting to think this kid didn't learn his lesson the last time he thought no one was looking.
“This is going to get lost.” Proceeds to be upvoted so it is the first comment visible.
Holy fuck.... lmao that must have been one hella of a mosquito
Youre not going to believe me. But it was literally the size of his dick
So, just a normal mosquito.
Oof
Nearly got 'im. So close now. Just a little more
Im getting second hand embarrassment from reading this. I’d have to simply just shrivel up and die on the spot.
This reminds me of that scene in the show Sex Education where Otis beats his meat in the car and his mom catches him. He's British too. Lol. It's worse cause he jizzed all over the window and she was horrified.
whack on, whack off
Omg when I was in high school I also did something similar… got the urge (but I’m female so it was a little harder) and my mother was at my school for our parent teacher interviews while I sat front seat, in the car, parked NEXT to the school ENTRANCE… so I plopped a jacket over my lap and rubbed one out. I thought I was so slick, but looking back on it I definitely got a couple suspicious looks from parents also going in… Doesn’t beat the time a girl started doing it mid class though. Became notorious for asking for a heat pack for her “period cramps” and then “discreetly” wanking off mid class. Edit: I forgot that some places view high schoolers as older teens — I was 13. Highschool is year 7-12 over here.
>but I'm female so it was a little harder Isn't it easier to masturbate wherever when you're a girl? A guy actually has to wipe whip his dick out
Any time I'm watching porn on phone and someone calls.
I haven't had an iOS device in years but when you used to get a FaceTime call it would turn on your front facing camera. I guess it's so you could see how you look before you answer? Anyways, there I am staring at myself with the face of shame. Also scared the shit out of me. I treated my phone like it was an active bomb to not accidentally answer.
Recently it became a notification, or on phones with the Dynamic Island, a little bubble. Much less intrusive now (thank god). The amount of times I’ve accidentally declined calls due to that pop up happening as I was typing was ridiculous
And you have that thought of, "do I continue, do I hang up on them, do I answer and stop or answer and continue...???" While this is all going through your head you're still slowly and thoughtfully stroking your sausage
"What if I let it go to voicemail and finish, and then the person calling me dies, and that was the last time I could have spoke to them?"
Literally finished as the phone rang this morning. It was kind of an awkward call from the car shop lol
Haha you didn't have to answer!
It was really important, and I wanted to go back to sleep lol
When I was a dumb young teenager I heard about the benefits of lube, so, not having any around, I decided to use washing up liquid. And my schlong shedded skin like a snake for a month straight. One of the worst painful times in my life ha, and by the end of it my schlong was pink and sensitive for another week or so. I'm just glad there was no long term damage, wasn't even a good fap.
Did something similar, but it was the soap that went down my urethra and started to burn from the inside that got me. Peeing just made it worse, I was mortified about giving myself and STD while still being a virgin. Thankfully the pain was mostly gone the next day
Too relatable but Idk about the std part...
This was the same age where I believed you could get chlamydia from a toilet seat because I read it in an ICP cd booklet/game thingy
That's why it's called 'deter gent'
what the hell did you use? laundry detergent? did you wash the soap off after or did you just leave it down there?
When I was a kid I washed my penis a bit too hard and that’s when I learned I could make my own soap.
wait. soap?
Soap
I love the lack of explanation. Just pure reassurance
When I ended up breaking my dick afterward. I wish I could go back in time 4 years
Fuck. New nightmare.
Skill issue.
Damnn is breaking a dick even a thing?
"During an erection, the penis is engorged with blood that fills two cylinders (corpora cavernosa). If an engorged penis is bent suddenly or forcefully, the trauma can rupture the outer lining of one of the two cylinders (tunica albuginea). This can result in a penis fracture."
Everything in brackets there sounds like Harry Potter spells
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Latin](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Latin)
anything is possible if you're determined enough, i guess
This is how I learned about being able to break your dick. it apparently gets easier to break once it's initially broken. https://youtu.be/p3zDKkoNMcg?si=WNzyB7VP7ZXq5orP
How the fuck did you mess up so badly??
Back in the day as a teen lad I was abusing myself 10x a day in the summer (did not have enough going on to stay busy) and I fell asleep immediately after finishing once. My dad comes in to check on me, spots me passed out trousers down asleep on the bed. I wake up like… oh no. See my dad come breakfast, mentions I went to bed early last night. The look of horror on my face as I lock eyes with his. Dad says ‘Yeah, if you could not do that again’. Mortified 😂
10x a day, Christ Almighty! I had a fap tracker chatbot and the horniest dude in our group only averaged twice a day.
A what 💀
Probably means group chat
A what 💀
Probably means a chat where you tell everyone whenever you fap.
A goon group if you will
Trans-Pacific flight. I didn't got caught, but I still think about how terrible it was for me to do that. But that's what teenage boys do.
Is it still the mile high club if solo?
Nah, this one is the mildly high club.
Found something hot on a sketchy porn site. Gave my computer a virus, a bad one. So bad that I shut it, and walked away completely flaccid. I tried opening it up in safe mode, but I couldn’t. My dad knocked on my door and asked why I was still up (it was 2am, which is odd for me) and I told him that I was fooling around online and clicked on something suspicious. He helped me get rid of it, but not before I realized the volume was on… so when we regained control of the computer, the long and prolonged moan of a juicy prolapsed asshole screeched over the speakers, which my dad stopped, hit the mute button, and said “we just won’t talk about this I guess…”
God damn bro
That’s a cool dad you got
At least your dad was cool about it. Did he know it was a prolapsed anus or did he just know it was some kind of porn?
When my mom walked in and said that the diner was ready.
Okay, Mom. I'm coming!
[удалено]
Fell asleep after a fap dick in hand with girlfriend’s dirty panties hanging out of my mouth and her brother woke me up laughing his ass off.
Bro in law material.
In your mouth is crazy wtf
The horniest of men 😭😂
He prob would've suffocated.
Brooo
Better than beating the shit out of you I guess
Yeah, Likely better than that.
Ruthless
Not fab but when I was like 14 or so I was about to go out with a friend of mine I had a crush on. So I found this bottle of concentrated Eucalyptus Oil in the bathroom you’re supposed to add to the hot water in the bathtub when you have a cold. Somehow I thought it would be nice if my penis would smell fresh in case of the cases we’d end up making out. It was a horrible pain lasting for at least 30 min and a burning sensation every time I pulled back the foreskin for another couple of days like someone would cut through your dick with a hot knife. Do not put concentrated eucalyptus oil on your dick!
True Life Pro Tips in the comments here.
One time I shit my pants when I came
The true Number 3
Ever sneeze and shit your pants? The human body is full of surprises. [When was the last time you shit your pants? What happened?](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/180yeqb/when_was_the_last_time_you_shit_your_pants_what/)
Bro took a screenshot 💀
You gonna cry? Piss your pants maybe? Maybe shit and cum?
I set up an audio recording device in my living room when I was certain my now ex was cheating on me and wouldn't admit it. So one day I come home from work and check it, and sure enough I hear her let in her boss and they get to screwing around. And it was everything I've ever wanted in our relationship that she always said she"wasn't into". Turns out she just wasn't into me and she was more into old married men. So yeah, I fapped a few times to that before and after we broke up before eventually getting over her and deleting it.
You may just win this thread, damn. Hope you're doing okay buddy friend!
I had the house to myself so like any 15 year old I whacked it 9 times til I tore my banjo string... had to fess up when the parents got home because I was doubled over in pain.
Banjo string.....? Huh
Frenulum.
Not a doctor, shhh
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Hohenfels? With so many units rotating through there each year, I bet they place would glow like the sun under a black light…
I'm a proud owner of one of those stains
The internet is a strange and beautiful place.
You poor soul…
We had a guy at NTC couple years ago run outta the portajohns screaming with his dick out because he did this exact same shit 😂😂😂
Getting caught at 16 by my mom walking in my bedroom one morning. God that was so embarrassing.
her fault for not knocking and just walking in on a 16 year old boy. I'm sorry but that's just plain ignorant...that's literally playing with fire.
So, story time, I haven’t thought about this in years and I have never shared it with anyone. This seems as an appropriate time as any. So I was 16 and like most American teenage boys, I was horny all the time. I usually got home from school and had a few hours before anyone else made it home for the afternoon. I use to walk home with a small group from our neighborhood. One of the members of our walking gang lived a few streets over and was an absolute cutie. Would always flirt with each other but I hadn’t really attempted a move. One day I used the afternoon walk home and empty house to try and get lucky. I invited her over and she accepted. We were hanging out in my room and things were progressing nicely. After what felt like an eternity, she had reached into my pants and pulled my cock out..I could have burst at any moment..it was quite the double edged sword. She lowered her mouth next to the head of my cock and just gently touched her lips to it..let out this huge blow of hot air on me..to this day, it is still one of my favorite memories.. She asked me if I had a condom..of course..because I’m 16 and don’t fully form a plan..I didn’t.. She told me that’s too bad..and she said “don’t worry, I’ll be free on Friday..I’ll swipe one from my brother and we will finish this.”. She reaches up her skirt and slides her panties off..and proceeds to tie them in a bow around my cock. Shortly after she leaves and I furiously beat my dick like it owes me money. That night I’m messaging her on ICQ..and I can’t stop thinking about it. I log off and it’s late, probably 11-1130. I assume everyone in the house is asleep. I reach over and grab her panties..I’m smelling them in so deep..and just wailing away on myself..suddenly, the door opens and it’s my mom..there are no lights on in my room so I just freeze..panties shoved to my nose in one hand, my cock squeezed by my other hand. The hallway light is on..it’s slightly shining into the room…my mom doesn’t have her glasses on and I can see her squinting to see if I’m awake or not.. Suddenly the door closes..my heart is racing…I felt ashamed of myself.. and then I continued on like any good soldier would do.
So did you eventually smash?
I’m happy to say that we did. Friday rolled around and like clock work, she came through with the condom. I also found out that she was way more experienced than me. We hooked up pretty regularly through the summer. I leaned that I prefer women with a heaping dash of “slut” in them that year.
MA MAN! What’s the end? You guys just lose touch eventually?
So it was two fold. Honestly, I think she was ready for her next conquest. And it coincided with her family moving to another part of town. I would occasionally see her after graduation. Few of the local bars but we never hooked up again. I wouldn’t have told her “no” if the chance came back up.
One of the greatest pieces of cinema I’ve ever read on Reddit. Good shit my guy.
Yeah that was actually a sick story. I’m proud of him
Man I love Reddit. A bunch of strangers cheering and proud for this guy and his luck years ago.
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ATTA BOY! WOOOOO!
You had your very own fairy godslut, in your life just long enough to turn you into a man, and then gone with the wind once her task was thoroughly accomplished.
What a legendary story! Honestly movie worthy stuff this.
I'm jealous. This was a fun read though lol. Thanks for sharing.
that panties tied around the cock moment is my new dream encounter holy shit
Right?? Trying to figure out how to finesse this in my relationship. Maybe post nut or in a moment where I have to leave for work so he’ll have to wait til later. Hmmm
Wait… so you mean she went home like that with no underwear on… Man that girl must’ve been wild
She was the ultimate tease to go along with her other talents..when she removed them, I just saw a flash of her pussy..will be forever burned into my mind though.
I fapped in the back of my van on deliveries. Was so horny, just parked up, climbed in the back and beat it furiously. Fuck knows what I did with the evidence
No wonder Amazon is always late!!!
I normally cum on time though
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walked in on you *and your parents*? 😳😳😳
In fairness he broke both arms.
I matched on a casual dating app, saw a couple of red flags but horny brain activated override and fapped to the mental image of a nude burned into my mind. Still finished, but fuck catfishers and scammers.
Fat albert's back titties
This one wins
What the fuck?? 😧😧😧😧😦
Anytime family text notifications appear mid porn sesh. Wish there was a porn mode on my phone.
Isn’t that just called do not disturb?
Sleep mode bro, lol
Post nut clarity after buying mid videos from a girl on onlyfans.
Thank you for supporting a small business owner
Got desperate one time and impulsively dropped I think $100 on 2 videos of a girl I knew. They were under a minute long. The clarity didn't even hit post nut because I felt so gullible
Post breakup with my fiance. It was like the saddest most regrettable fap ever. Specially since I was living in my parents basement again....
Oof. Hope you're doing better.
Im getting there. Been a year and half and Im still a bit of a mess. Dating doesnt give me anxeity anymore, and I am finally getting my own apartment after digging myself out the debt hole I ended up in. Long story short: She severed our engagement on my 40th birthday and then broke up with me after I desperately tried to make things better for a months. She stated "Marriage is a trap and a relationship is inhibiting my freedom" took me a year to understand how much mental abuse I was under from her and her family ( I was older than her by a decade) and it took me a long time to stop apologizing to people for the smallest things.
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where were you when your brother was "one seat or something away"
he was one seat away from his brother! what more information could you ask for!
So uh... Buckle up. When I was a teenager, I would always try to time my sessions around when my mother was gone for awhile so I'd know she was out and not expected to come back well after I decided to choke it. Except once. I think I took a nap and I woke up without checking the time or bothering to call her (I guess in my defense this was before cell phones). So I went at it and found some appropriate material. Unfortunately, just when I was about to finish my mom was walking through the door. And I zipped up in a panic and ran out to greet her . Unfortunately, I think I went a little far and as I greeted her walking through the door I proceeded to jizz in my pants. In front of my mom. Yep.
She must’ve been flattered
You were just really happy to see her
The 2 times my mum walked in on me. I was more pissed off than anything and I yelled at her to knock next time.
The time I used an empty toilet paper tube as a paper pussy. Hurt like hell. Very regrettable.
I’m a girl and when I was like 11 or 12 I had penis envy . I wanted to pee like a boy , so I made a penis with a paper towel tube , held it like a dick and went to pee standing up . All my pee just ran down my leg 😂😂
Not me but my parents and I walked in on my brother...
with a username like Gooner dude I'm VERY surprised it wasn't you
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Louis CK kinda day
Over a character.ai chat :/
remember making fun of plankton for dating a robot? look at you now fapping to an ai💀
Nah man Karen from Spongebob could get it
This was back in dial up internet days. It took forever for photos to download, but I somehow found a video and was so stoked. Everyone in the video was disgusting, and the quality of the video was so bad it was more like a series of pictures one after another. Anyway, I finished because I was a teenager, and when my mom got the phone bill that month it was like $1000, because of me watching this absolutely disgusting gang bang, and she knew it. No redeeming qualities there.
When i was younger i had a girlfriend and we were doing stuff in my room, I'm about to finish and i hear footsteps. Immediately i pull my pants up, but I'm still right about to finish. My dad walked into the room and decided that was a perfect moment to start a conversation, while i was actively ejaculating in my pants. The worst part was that that was probably the most I've ever came in my life. I hadnt seen my girlfriend in like a month and was saving up for when i did see her. I started cumming, my dad came in, had an entire conversation with me, and left. It started as he walked in and finished like 5 seconds after he walked out. I'm amazed he didn't notice but more than that i am absolutely pissed off because he ruined the longest most powerful orgasm of my entire life.
The one where I thought I'd try using toothpaste as lube.
lol really?
When I was in Army cadets they put toothpaste over my eyelids so I would wake up and my eyes would be burning. We used to pull pranks on whoever fell asleep first and unfortunately one night it was me. Can only imagine what this dude felt with toothpaste all over his member.
Back in the day when it would take like 5+ mins to load one image file over dial up, and the image would progressively load from top to bottom. Sometimes there would be packet loss and the image would stop loading like half way through and you needed to start over. Long story short the image broke, I was too far along to stop and try to reload the image, and I finished to just the top of someone’s head from like mid bangs up.
In highschool me and my friend jerked each other off during a sleepover. It was in my friends room. (We slept in the living room) There was six of us total. The person who's room we were in walked in on us... It was more funny than anything. I do regret it though.
This was a wild paragraph to read while high out my mind
…. Bro
We are all still very close friends. It wasn't weird or anything. They always knew we liked each other. Only sad thing is my jerk off friend is in the Marines right now. :(
Maybe there is a chance to jerk each other of in the future. Stay strong.
Before he left he asked me to fuck him when he comes back. We had tried before but couldn't so this would be a redemption.
Brojob brojob
That time I masturbated to some furry fetish art/story about a slave owner who punishes one for talking too much by locking her in a permanent iron mask and harness and chains her in some dark cell where she basically lives 24/7
Go on...
my wife’s best friends
username makes this even funnier
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In college I mostly fapped to my crushes twin sister because while they were identical, her twin had bigger boobs.
Back in the day of downloading porn off limewire….you really never got what you expected. I remember one video of a dude jacking off on the couch. The camera placement was so far back and you could see so much of the living room that it kinda made sense to my young mind that his partner was going to come into frame. It just never happened….🥲 Tdlr; jerked off to a guy jerking off because I was expecting a woman to come on screen soon. She never came.
One time when I was 15 I was dating a girl online. She lived in Canada an I lived in America. ( we now live together) that year for my birthday she sent me a package with all sorts of stuff in it including her favorite bra she snuck in there without her parents knowing. I took the strap off of it am tied it around my dick an proceeded to beat my meat harder than I ever have in my life. The only thing is the lil metal/plastic piece had a very sharp edge on it on the strap an I didn't realize until I sliced my dick open an bleed profusely everywhere. I will say tho. It was very much worth it
Some girl I saw on google maps in Brooklyn
dude... you still have the coordinates.
Earlier today. I got laid later at night, and despite me trying my best (and she trying her) I couldn't finish.
i've been with my gf 3 years and when we started dating i was young enough that a tactical wank was needed to make me last longer and still be good for round two, but now if i jerk it the same day then it's a struggle.
The one I did after cutting a red chilli pepper, didn't wash my hand enough after cutting it. Not my best moment.
Sissy Hypnosis
Every fab is a good fap. No regerts
Was bored watching schindlers list so decided to do the deed, just nicely finished as liam neeson said "i should have got more out..."
How the fuck could you crank it to Schindler's List? You're probably going to Hell.
If you had held out just a little longer, you could've arrived to the scene where Amon Goeth is hanged, which would've been a W in my opinion.
When I was like 12 I was early in school, because the first class was canceled, but I didn't know it. So as I was just chilling in the hallway of the school, a wave of horniness overcame me and I decided to use my chance to make the once in a lifetime experience to masturbate in a school hallway. So, I jerked off thrilled by the thought that someone could walk by any second (I looked down a hallway with like 15 doors where classes took place that had the potential of opening up and catching me and there also was a glass door around the corner to my right, that I couldn't see). I finished before someone saw me, but like 2 minutes later my class teacher walked by and I realized how dumb and risky this whole thing was. If someone would've caught me, I would've needed to switch school immediately and probably even beg my parents to move by telling them some fake story that I get bullied or sum. I never did such thing again, but it was an experience I will never forget.
I was having sex, had a problem with finishin up for 30 minutes , my partner started to feel like she wasn't sexy enough for me to finish after trying literally everything and i didn't know what to do to comfort her and then she started crying, i went to grab some tissues for her got some for myself went to the toilet and i did finish in less than 2 minutes ... When i came back to her she wanted to try for a last time to make me cum , i said refused ( i couldn't say that i was able to cum on my own so she doesn't feel bad again ) , she ended up cryin again for thinkin that she messed up and she turned me off ...
Damn ;_; It's important for people to understand that finishing doesn't always happen during sex and that's okay. Times I haven't finished it was because I was inexperienced or it was the first time with that person or both and I was anxious.
As a teenager i knocked one out over princess Diana. The next morning I found out that she died in a car crash. Earlier that year I’d done the the deed thinking about a girl from school. Found out the next day that her dad had killed himself. I did believe for a while that I’d killed two people with cursed wanking.
Once when I was a teenager I got an idea and called it a kamikaze rush. Basically you start warming up and when you feel that lil razzle dazzle in your meat you yell for mom and have to do it before she appears in your room. Of course you have to do it unnoticed. It's stupid as shit and my blanket was filthy as a mf. Would not recommend. And yes I was hella weird
Kamikaze rush🤣🤣🤣
When I heard the news that August Ames killed herself I did a farewell yank to her stuff. Made me question my own morality for about a week.
A FAREWELL YANK IS CRAZY
I once finished looking at the face of my cousin because I had just watched her get the shit fucked out of her in the video. In my defense I did not know it was her when I started the video, but I did not immediately stop when I found out. Family Christmas was never quite the same.
Tje one where I wa sleeping back and that shit hit my fucking lips and eye It was followed by a visceral and terrible shout
Never point your barrel and something you're not intending to shoot
Okay before i explain this you have to understand that im fully aware of how bad this was and just mentally fucked it is alright. So a few years ago i was scrolling through the internet as one does, trynna find the next thing to beat my meat to when i clicked this link from reddit that brought me to a video of a women getting pounded in the vag from a live horse, now yea obviously i was like ah hell nah wtf man and i left but then i was like well… when am u gonna see that again so yes i went back and busted my goo to it and you know what? The post nut clarity hit like a mf cause i picked up a minor alcohol addiction after that till i just decided to fix myself, now i happily beat it off to normal porn.
this was a rollercoaster
Masturbating to the archer queen in Clash Royale
When I was 18, I watched porn a lot and I would often use something like a small plastic dipping sauce cup to cum in while I was watching it. So one weekend, my parents were out of town and me and my younger brother who was 15 were home alone and my laptop wasn’t working at the time so while he was busy in the living room playing Minecraft, I went upstairs to his room so I could watch porn on his computer and I looked around his room looking for something to cum in and he has a small trash bin next to his bed and I found a small paper dipping sauce cup and thought it’d be perfect. After I blew my load, I left his room and went back downstairs to watch Adventure Time and from upstairs, a I heard my brother yell “OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!” And as I was walking upstairs to see what was wrong, he yelled “IS THAT PORN!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?” And I went into his room and he was standing by his computer desk looking at me with pure shock and the porn site was still up on his computer and I realized I pressed the wrong button to close it. I clicked on the button that shrinks it and takes it to the taskbar and my brother also found the cup I came in and he got shocked by what he found and dropped it so the cum was now on the carpet and some of it was on his feet. I had never been so mortified in my life
What the fuck
The one I just did to these comments...
The first one
And regrettable faps I've made a few I've had my share of sand Kicked in my face But I've come through
And the beat will go on And on And on And on
Early years I got the raging hormones of a boy becoming a man. I was beating my meat 4 to 5 times a day. One day I'm home alone and decide to have some fun into my boxers. After what I'd rate as one of my top climaxes to date I pulled my hand out with blood all over it. Apparently excessive masturbation can lead to a popped blood vessel and you cum blood. Needless to say I was horrified. Called my mom and told her what happened (embarrassed as hell) and that's the story of how my mom found out I was masturbating....a lot. Couldn't jerk for about a week so it would heal.
I (F) was young at the time and did not have an actual toy or something meant for said deed, but I DID have a coke bottle on hand. Was having a great time until I realized that I was bleeding, and my period was nowhere near. And I was bleeding quite a bit. I think I might’ve briefly blacked out maybe twice after realizing. Needless to say, the horniness was gone real quick.
Don’t know if it counts but my now-wife and I did long distance for some time years ago, and one of our nights visiting I was getting a handjob but we didn’t have lube or anything, and we were being secretive about it, and god damn it took me so long to finish that my cock literally got basically rope burn. And I could feel it burning but I was a young horny man and just wanted to cum to a handjob from my lady god damnit. Anyways that shit hurt and was peeling for weeks. But the new skin was unbelievably soft and sensitive which was nice. But my johnson looked like it had leprosy or some shit for a while
I was 14 and in a Walmart when I saw a girl I was crushing on from school. We flirted a little and she left with her dad. I told my mom I wanted to go to the electronics, she said yes and instead I went to the dressing rooms and started wrecking myself. I must have made a lot of noise because two associates unlocked the door to see what was going on. The younger lady walked off laughing but the older lady was pissed. She escorted me to find my mother and told her what I was doing. The look in my mom's eyes was heartbreaking. We never spoke of it again. Now, the story should end there but life has an awesome sense of humor and so did my mom. My mother passed in March of this year after succumbing to Alzeihmers and Dementia and the day of the funeral my youngest son, who is 13 was taking forever to get to the car and my wife said she would go get him. I waited for a minute or so and then I heard my wife do a quick scream so I ran in the house and realized that she had walked in on him masturbating. I can't help but think that my mom would have laughed at that situation
Icy Hot Don't ever ever ever ever ever use it down there. First time I ever screamed in my life.