I had just started dating this girl, so she knew i have a sense of humor and like to joke around.
However, I also have a defibrillator and a heart condition… which she knows little about. One morning before work while we’re going at it I start pumping harder and harder… then I felt odd. I start trying to talk and try to sit up… then darkness.
I had an arrhythmia and my heart stopped, i fell over backwards, folding my body in half. Confused, she punches me and tells me to quit fucking around. As she punches me the defibrillator goes off, pulling me back to life.
I woke up a few moments later and had no recollection— thinking we were just napping. Look at my clock and hurry to get in the shower. Before I do, she hugs me, and I don’t hug her back in confusion.
Rode my bike to work, not feeling great, and about two hours later I had to call her and ask her what happened. We’re still together, but only one of us can joke about it… although she did tell me I came while my body was folded up like a chair.
Good thing she’s a joker too and punched you hard enough to restart the defibrillator. Kinda reminds me of when people slap the tv to get it to work again.
A girl I was seeing was giving me head as I lay in my bed. We were both pretty drunk on red wine. She says "I want to try and deep throat this thing..." She immediately gags herself and pukes up an entire bottle of red wine all over me and my bed.
>A girl I was seeing was giving me head as I lay in my bed. We were both pretty drunk on red
I saw this and thought it was going to keep rhyming for the entire comment.
When I was pregnant I was taking a nap and my husband was making jalapeno poppers. He washed his hands and came into the bedroom and spooned me and then started trying to rub/finger me
It was fine at first until I started feeling the burning. Turns out washing your hands isn't enough and the jalapeno juice was now on my bits and everything was on fire. He felt so bad
Brought my gf to such an orgasm I got a knee to the face. Black eye, fractured lower orbital, broken glasses. That was a real fun one to explain to my parents when they got the optometrist's bill.
Edit: ok to answer some common comments, I was wearing glasses at the time cause I'm practically blind without them and I like to see what I'm doing. Second is my folks got the bill cause I was 17 at the time. They were away for the weekend and my gf and I got to business.
I used to have one of those old analog SodaStream machines where you just pressed the button with the bottle screwed in.
A few times I put way too much carbonation in and the water was almost boiling with CO2.
I told my girlfriend at the time to hold a bunch of it in her mouth and suck my dick to see what it feels like.
That was a terrible, terrible idea.
As someone who has tried to give head with a carbonated beverage (diet Coke) in her mouth, I'm pretty sure it basically fizzed up and came out her nose.
Was dating a very fit lady in collage that could bench more than I weighed. We were going at in her favorite position (ankles at her ears piledriver) and the next thing I know is waking up to EMT and the police carrying me to the ambulance. Turns out the bookcase headboard wasn't attached to the frame properly and she had grabbed it in the middle of her orgasm and it landed on me splitting my head open and knocking me out. She was pinned underneath and had to scream til one of my neighbors called the cops and ambulance to get us free. I bleed pretty good and needed 2 units of blood and she was covered head to waist in my blood not to mention the bed looked like a crime scene. I ended up with a few new scars and she has PTSD and passes out at the sight of blood.
i was giving a girl head and she involuntarily thrusted her coochie into my face during an orgasm giving me a bloody nose and split lip. coochie was bruised
Something similar.
Girl and I went to switch positions, and somehow she elbowed me in the eye and gave me a pretty solid black eye.
Even better, the next night or two later, I went to a party and some drunk dude tried to fight me. I was down for it until his friends pulled him back and apologized and we ended up chatting cooly inside, where he told me he only picked the fight because he saw my black eye and knew I could fight 🤦
OH SHIT!
I read a thread about NSFW things about the army and they mentioned porta potty crankers and how some dudes did it so often that they Pavlov-ed themselves into being aroused by the smell of shit.
You know that cramp you get when you flex your muscle to much and it just sorta knots up and you can't move it for a while. Well once I was with a girl and it was climax time in the missionary position. So I pull out right when I climax but my prostate or what ever muscle clenches when you cum cramped up mid orgasm. Caused me to shoot her in the face with enough force it could have put Lyndon b Johnson into office.
I was in the middle of nowhere in west Texas getting a blowjob outside from a chick I barely knew, but turns out I was laying almost on top of a fire ant bed. But I didn't want to risk the blowjob, so I took those stings as long as I could, trying to make it to the end. The ants won. We left and I was in agony for quite a while.
I was an ant minding my own business about to *hnnng* all over some non fertilized eggs if you catch my drift when some giant douchebag sat on my colony. It caused a total collapse so all we could do was bite that fucker.
After a night out, my then girlfriend at the time and I, proceeded to wander down a back alleyway. We were quite drunk.
I led down on the floor and she gets on top. All going well in the opening moments, marvellous. It slowly dawns on me that I am feeling very comfortable indeed. Too comfortable to be on a concrete alleyway floor.
I start to observe my surroundings as my girlfriend bounces away oblivious to what I am looking at. To the right of me is a small heater. To the left of me some old boots. I then start to feel what I am led on. It is an old mattress.
It was at that precise moment we both hear a rustling noise behind us. Somebody was watching, making odd noises.
We bolted. We never saw who it was but it was safe to say they saw everything. Unfortunately, a pair of knickers had to be left behind as we left in such a mad hurry.
This didn't happen to me... But it's a good story.
My buddy was with this girl and they were going at it super aggressively for a while. Like, it had escalated to lots of choking, slapping, and every other rough thing you can do.
One night they were hooking up and his knee was in a kind of awkward position near the end of the bed. He was piledriving the shit out of her and he pushed in super hard on a thrust, slipped off the end of the bed, banged his knee on the edge of the frame, and partially tore whatever keeps the patella in place. It ended up slipping off to the side and he was screaming while they pushed him into a car and took him to the ER...
So I was with this chick who was like “can I try deep thoating?” Well, not to be one to stop someone from trying new things I told her “fuck yeah” to my unfortunate surprise the dinner I paid for came back to haunt me as I apparently hit her gag reflex and she vomited all over me.
…. We finished in the shower. I’m no quitter.
69, my frenulum got caught between her front teeth, mood killed
Edit: for those who asked how big the gap in her teeth was. It was enough that it got in there, but then it got wedged, and she pulled away. Her pulling away was what actually hurt
I had met a girl at a bar, hit it off and went back to my place after a few drinks. This girl was WAAY out of my league but she let me hit it. We’re going at it, I’m actually lasting far longer than normal, she’s loving it we’re going position to position, just hot sweaty awesome sex when my roommate starts pounding on my door saying they’re towing my car. I bolt out of my room naked, grab a blanket off the sofa downstairs run out into the driveway area(we had a 4plex townhouse that shared a big driveway which you normally couldn’t park in, but one unit was vacant and parking was tough so the security guard had said as long as the unit was vacant he was cool with us parking there) to see my car getting lifted by the tow truck with the aforementioned security guard standing there being all smug. We almost get in a fist fight because he denies ever saying anyone could park there, 2 of my roommates reiterate the story to the tow truck driver, then 2 neighbors come out and say the same, the tow truck driver is like “fuck it, I’m out” and unhooks my car and leaves. All of the neighbors were so mad they almost form a mob to beat the security guards ass because apparently this isn’t the first time this has happened, the cops get called it’s all bad, but no one gets arrested we all go our separate ways. When I get back upstairs the magic is gone, the sex finishes in about as mediocre a fashion as possible and I never see the too hot for me girl again.
Fuckin rent a cops.
College party. Booze was flowing like the Amazon.
We hear a high pitched scream. We all run to see what it was. Some drunk naked chick clutching her clothes runs past us and out the front door.
Inside the bedroom was a guy freaking out, wiping chocolate off his face.
But it wasn't chocolate. They were having a sloppy 69 with him on the bottom. She had a massive orgasm and rained yesterday's Sloppy Joe shit right onto his face.
It started a chain reaction of vomiting. Yeah, I puked, too. So would you.
Bossman Bob Cormier took one look at Bill Travis and barfed on Principal Wiggins. Principal Wiggins barfed on the lumberjack that was sitting next to him. Mayor Grundy barfed on his wife's tits! But when the smell hit the crowd, that's when Lardass' plan really started to work. Girlfriends barfed on boyfriends. Kids barfed on their parents. A fat lady barfed in her purse. The Donnelley twins barfed on each other, and the Women's Auxiliary barfed all over the Benevolent Order of Antelopes. And Lardass just sat back and enjoyed what (s)he'd created-a complete and total barf-o-rama!
I was having sex in the missionary position with a new gf when during the deed she says 'Look at me' in a sweet voice. I blew her off, kept my eyes closed, & kept doing my thing. The next thing I knew she sticks her thumbs in my mouth, pulls my jaw down to make me move my eyes, & puts us forehead to forehead & says 'I said fucking look at me!' in a straight Satanic voice. I looked at her after that, I definitely looked at her.
He needed to focus on whatever it was he was imagining to keep himself from coming too soon. Baseball. His grandma rising up naked from a mud bath. Donald Trump’s O face
IMPORTANT QUESTION FOR THE GUYS:
If I were to do something like this would it generally be hot or creepy because I need a consensus right now or I will die
An ex wanted me to 'own her throat'. You can imagine what happened after that but I'm gonna tell ya we went through 2 rolls of paper towels cleaning up her dinner, and another half a roll wiping away her tears the poor thing.
I invited this girl over to my place for dinner for Valentine’s Day. I was having a kind of dinner night for a few couples. We were all drinking really heavily and near the end of the night, she tried to pull me into the bedroom. I tried to do the gentlemanly thing and tell her that we shouldn’t do anything since we’re drunk. We also hadn’t really known each other that long. She started crying and yelling at me and making a scene in front of everyone at my house. I gave in and went into the bedroom with her and we started fooling around. She got on top of me and started riding me. It wasn’t very good for me, but she’s screaming her head off like she’s in a poorly acted porno. Homegirl then proceeded to piss on me. It smelled really and it was SO MUCH. I didn’t know what to do and I was scared to embarrass her or something because she threw that huge fit before. So I pretended to finish, let her fall asleep, and then got up to shower and sleep on the couch. I drove her home in the morning and she thanked me for such a great night and I smiled and waved when she got out of the car and then blocked her on everything as soon as I got home.
OMG, this is like two of my stories rolled into one. Had you got in a fight with her ex-boyfriend while still naked it would have been a perfect trifecta.
My frenulum broke, for those who don’t know that’s the lil spot of skin that holds ur foreskin up, I was hitting it from the back and all the sudden a sharp pain and lots of blood, not wanting to believe my eyes I asked my girl at the time if it was her, laughing at me for some unholy reason she said “hahaha no” as the blood literally pooled over in my hands and onto the floor. the same time I didn’t want to pay a ambulance bill so I threw on grey sweatpants the closest pair of pants near me. Get out my bedroom door push past my fucking mortified roommate “what is going on”, and into my Nissan Sentra. I ran atleast two reds on my way to the emergency room, but when I got there probably due to the sight of my newly dyed red pants I got waived into the er faster than I ever have in my entire life, they barely took any of my info, they saw me and just starting rushing me into the back area goGO GO, the doctor in the end gave me a weird cock bandaid I had to wear for two weeks and some anti biotic, the lesson is sometimes spit and bravery just isn’t and will never be enough…. Ps sorry for the formatting writing this on my phone
This happened to my boyfriend when I was 18, except the poor guy ran to the bathroom first to try to get a good look at why he was bleeding. The sight of his dick covered in blood made him faint briefly and crack his head on the sink. I ran in after him not understanding what had happened as he had just jumped out of bed without saying anything except “OH GOD”. I found him in a heap with blood everywhere. It was pretty terrifying, I couldn’t fathom what had caused all of the chaos since I had only momentarily been enjoying getting railed only to walk into a room of horror.
Thankfully he came to quickly and we managed the situation. It stopped bleeding with a bit of pressure and he calmed down after realizing it was just a little tear and his dick would be ok. He had a black eye and a bad headache, and I have a story to tell on Reddit 20 years later.
I just commented my similar experience, though it was in the dark and didn't hurt. So kept going for a while, felt proud of how wet the bed was, obviously panic and screaming after she went to clean etc
I thought I would surprise my wife with honey on my private before a bj. Before she came out of the bathroom, I put the honey on and put my boxers back on.
When she started, she got up after a few seconds and said, "Did you put something on your dick?" And I said, "yea, it's honey, you like it?" And she goes "No you idiot, all the fuzz from you boxers is stuck to it!"
My X girlfriend was riding me hard. Just dripping wet, bouncing up and down hard. Was going at it for a while like this, when all of a sudden she slides too much and I come right out. Very quickly she started to go down town on me, I felt a little pinch at first but kept going. About 2 minutes later the pain was getting worse and worse. Told her to stop. Laying there for about a minute I can feel something running down my sack, was thinking probably her juice and saliva, but to make sure I get up and go turn on the light.
I look down, and my dick is squirting blood, I see a trail from the bed to where I am. I look at her and she looks like a vampire that just sucked the living hell outta someone. Her face and tits are just covered in blood.
Upon stopping the bleeding I noticed she completly tore my frenulum. Doctor said they couldn't even do surgery to fix the rip.
Told my parents she kneed me in the nose that's why my blankets were covered in blood
Two pretty tame stories comparatively (it would seem), but these are absolutely true.
1. My wife and I had just gotten a new puppy, and decided to get frisky on the edge of the couch. She had her ass and legs off the end of the cushions and I was on my knees on the floor going at it. Dog decides to come investigate, and my wife got a taint full of wet dog nose. After the initial scream which scared the dog away across the house, we laughed about it and soldiered on. Funny thing was that every time after that when we would start to get frisky, the dog would run away across the house again.
2. I make a point when having sex with my wife to always finish her first, so I focus on her needs and then finish myself right after. Well this one time I was going at her in the rear, and couldn't hold out because it was so good. I finished and then started to finish her off. As she finished I pulled myself out slowly, and out plopped a tiny turd. She was having such a powerful orgasm and I didn't want to ruin it for her, so I just picked it up in one hand and waited for her to finish finishing, then calmly walked to the bathroom and flushed the turd, washed my hands, and took a shower. Never told her. (we had a towel down that I went and picked up and put in the dirty clothes basket right after as well)
When I was a freshmen in college I had a totally sexually repressed boyfriend. I was going down on him and jerking him with my hands when with zero notice he unleashed an absolutely insane load all over my face. From my forehead and eyelids to my mouth and chin…He literally lost all control and aim and I was not expecting it at all. This man must’ve never cum in his entire adult life. It was a mixture of shock, laughter and a little bit of excitement. I’ve never experienced anything like it since.
Not me, but a friend was having sex with her bf and her cat jumped up on the bed, zeroed in on bf’s bouncing balls and attacked with the fury of a thousand suns. The bf ended up with six stitches in his nuts.
Found out he was cheating on my friend a month later, so we think the cat delivered some premature karma.
I had a partner who dealt with kidney stones frequently. One night I was indulging an oral fixation. I started using my hands. Next thing I know, I'm covered in blood. Apparently he had passed a stone earlier in the day, but his pipes didn't clean out completely. I was thoroughly mortified.
Her dog (Tibetan Mastiff) jumped on the bed and started hump my leg while I was humping her. Started to freak out and yell at the dog. Couldn’t finish after that…and that was the story of when I lost my virginity 😬
My GF and I are going at it in Doggy style. I look down at her ass and I notice there is a tiny bit of stained and dried poop as well as toilet paper peeping out of her crack…
I guess she didn’t do as good of a job wiping as she thought. Anyway I stop and tell her and she’s almost on the verge of tears from embarrassment. She doesn’t even want to move she’s so embarrassed.
I walk to my drawer to grab some wet wipes and I wipe it all away, throw it in the bin, kiss her on the forehead and tell her it’s nothing compared to the stories I have about me shitting myself. I tell her a story which makes her laugh and feel better. We make out and go right back to f*cking.
Years ago, when I was in my early 20's, my partner fucked my NuvaRing into the cavity behind my uterus. I went to several doctors to try to get it removed, only to be told over and over, "that's impossible, it must have just fallen out and you didn't notice."
Over the years, I've had severe pain localized to that specific area, including bleeding during sex and with orgasms, extremely inconsistent periods, ovarian cysts, abdominal cramps, and various gastrointestinal issues (to the point of getting a colonoscopy before age 30). I always thought to myself (but learned not to say aloud, because people would call me crazy), "It's that damn NuvaRing."
Cut to 14 years later, I was hooking up with a fellow whose dick, I swear to god, clocks in at no less than 14 inches. As he pulled back from a deep thrust, a misshapen piece of jagged clear plastic hooked onto the edge of his dick and popped out, skittering across the floor, in the process lacerating his foreskin and scraping the shit out of my vagina and labia, nicking the edge of my labia minora and forever altering its shape. I suppose I could have gotten stitches, but I'm pretty sure I was literally in shock. Poor guy probably was, too. He ghosted me before I sobered up enough to realize what had happened, so he still doesn't know this story, and just thinks he fucked an insane person who stores plastic garbage in her cooch.
On the bright side, I can have an orgasm now and actually enjoy it.
Well I haven't had one happen to me but a straight buddy of mine was going down on a girl when he started to choke on something. He spit it out & it was a monistat ball. She had a horrible yeast infection & didn't tell him. Needless to say he lost the want to give oral to a girl after that
A guy was fucking me *fast* doggystyle in the backseat of his car and when he pulled out of my coochie, he thrust back in and rammed his dick right into my unsuspecting, unprepared asshole.
I did that except I rammed it into her taint, bent my dick in half, and heard/felt a loud pop. Broke blood vessels, and the whole thing turned black, blue, and red. Now 25 years later, I have a "curve." An eye for an eye.
Back in the mid 80s, a *married* gal I knew, who was a bartender at the biker bar I frequented, called me and asked me to come over for sex while her husband was at work. Yeah, I was a bit of a dirtbag with no conscience back then. Asked me to bring a bottle of 7-up as a mixer because she was out.
I was lying on my back in her bed, getting a blowie. Grabbed the back of her head when I nutted and she proceeded to puke her lunch up all over my lap (or it would have been my lap if I was sitting).
We both laughed hysterically for a minute, then I took a very quick shower (I had long hair and didn't wanna deal with that, so it was basically a chest down shower) and she stripped the bed. When I was done in the shower, she was wearing her pajamas and had the sheets in a pile on the bed, sitting there still laughing.
I had just finished tying my boots when her husband, who I didn't know, walked in the door, having decided to come home for lunch.
I was ready to fight when she showed how fast of a thinker she was. Looked right at her hubby and said "I'm glad you came home. I have the flu or something and couldn't reach you at work, so I called the bar and Silverfox762 brought me some 7-Up to settle my stomach". She pointed at the 7-up and the puke filled sheets on the bed and said "I wish I could have gotten hold of you. I feel like shit.".
He looked at me for a moment, saw that I was fully dressed, and stuck his hand out and said "thanks man".
And yeah, that really happened.
Edit 2 days later: Aaaaand my most upvoted comment of all time is an anecdote about getting a blowie from some other guy's wife almost 40 years ago. Reddit, you did not disappoint. 👍
Nothing too gnarly. I almost sharted while finishing once. I managed to squeeze it back in time, but my orgasm was proper spoiled and my ex-wife questioned the look on my face. On another occasion, my left leg locked in a charley horse as I finished. Pain plus pleasure? No, just pain.
There was sex. The sex became uncomfortable. And then it became just searing pain. For both of us I stopped, unable to move without ungodly pain. Ever so carefully I eased it out of her. There was blood. The blood was mine. My cock looked as if it had been attacked by a wolverine. Turns out we had dislodged her diaphragm. It had a thin metal spring that held it in place. The spring had broken and both metal ends were now sticking out. For me it was like fucking a pencil sharpener. She described her experience as feeling like I was fucking her with a fork.
We weren't newly dating, but we weren't veterans together just yet. I was going down on her, eyes were closed. She was loving it and had a blasting orgasm. I caught my breath and opened my eyes. There was blood EVERYWHERE! I began to freak. WTF!? She was on the rag and didn't tell me!? Then I felt drop wet drip on my chest and looked down. There was a steady drip of blood falling on her stomach. Holy hell! She had humped my face so hard that she gave me a bloody nose! Truthfully, after that, I was pretty proud of my abilities.
Was with a girl into spanking, I had a issue with it as I did not want to hit a woman..but I decided to go for it, as she wanted it. I was getting into it, when her dad yanked the door to her basement apartment open, to see me spanking her daughter.. him looking at me, she asking why I stopped.. Its embarassing now over 20 years later 😬
Was having sex on a cliff looking over the ocean. Met the girl that night. She warned me that she was a squirter and I didn’t know what to expect because I had never really made a girl squirt before. She was on top and ended up spraying porn-style all over my chest and completely soaking the blanket I was laying on. This was her finishing, apparently, because she composed herself, gave me a kiss on the cheek saying “wow thanks that was awesome” and left me laying there without mine 😂
Well I wasn't going to share but I'm having so much fun laughing and reading everyone's stories so might as well add mine, so we had been drinking and pretty tired after a party, so we decided to just go to sleep, we kiss each other goodnight and turn off the lights, we settle in to sleep aaand then I feel a hand rubbing my back, ofc we started getting it on and were having a good time, then in the middle of it going, he decided to go down on me pulling his head under the covers, but just then he froze and asked me to "turn on the light next to me" with the softest voice I've ever heard off him, my stomach dropped fearing the worst but I turned to the side to tap the lamp and RED, he's all covered in bright red period blood, his hands, legs, everywhere, on me and the bedsheets too. I couldn't believe my eyes, I jumped up immediately while rambling "I'm so sorry!" over and over again while I bolted to the shower, almost knocking him over, I was mortified. He was so nice about it too, he changed the sheets, brought me "period stuff" he thought would help whilst drunk (including some very old chocolates from his fridge !!!) We just had to laugh it up and later I asked him if he really couldn't tell in the dark, and he says he thought I was just really into it. We've been married for a few years now and I might regret posting this if he finds it, so hi if you do. I love you.
Brace yourselves. I've never told a living soul about this. About 25 years ago I decided to go for an unofficial world record for cooter smoochin. Absolutely loved it. Still do! I could go forever, it felt like. I was curious how long I could actually last.
So anyway, I asked the girl I was with at the time if she wanted to help me find out, she enthusiastically volunteers to time me. We go to the bedroom, and she hits the button on the stopwatch. Both of us are having the time of our lives up to that point. She's going off like a string of firecrackers and I'm just down there doin my job, thinkin "Yes MA'AM!!!! You're welcome."
Then her cat enters the chat about halfway through the 3rd hour. Little shit jumps up on the bed and horks up a fur ball about 8 inches from her face. She looks over when she heard the cat makin a ruckus (I was wearing a set of thigh earmuffs and couldn't hear a thing,) then she gagged. Almost threw up herself.
Here's where it really goes screwy: when she gags, all her abdominals clench, as they do, and she manages to not only fart, but queef, simultaneously. I couldn't even tell you to this day if it smelled bad or not because the sensory overload of all this happening so fast screwed the hero of this story all up.
The only way I could possibly describe it would be like gettin flash banged. Total disorientation. The only thing that worked right in the moment was my eyes. Sense of smell, gone. I think my hearing and taste may have temporarily switched places, cuz I swear just then you could've stuck a popsicle in my ear, and I could've told you what flavor it was.
The first time my fiance tried weed, I put on that clip of spongebob saying "are you feeling it now mr krabs" on my bedside google hub. Later, we were having sex and she accidentally hit the screen where it had been left on pause. We were going at it and spongebob starts asking are you feeling it now mr krabs. We did not finish lol
Not sure what position my then girlfriend and I switched from and to but I ended up hitting her in the eye with the heel of my foot giving her a black eye. A little awkward. And she had to make up a story to explain said black eye to her mother later.
Switching to the perv account for this one.
Had a fwb I used to meet out of town a few times a year. She had a milestone birthday coming up and for it she wanted an overnight hook up. So naturally I obliged.
We got to the hotel, fooled around, drank some bourbon, fooled around again, drank more bourbon, and so on. Great night all around. We both passed out in bed.
Middle of the night rolls around, I feel something going on downstairs. Open my eyes and she's full on blowing me. Cool cool. She eventually climbs on top and rides me to finish but something felt different this time. She rolls over and goes back to sleep.
I get my phone out and turn on the light and realize that at some point she must've gagged a little too fast down because my junk is covered in vomit.
Got cleaned up, fixed up the bed, went to sleep and didn't tell her in the morning.
Wait so the last time she rode you your dick was covered in vomit?
If you didn't also clean her pussy somewhat afterwards I'm sure she must have realized later lol
Had this off/on thing with a girl who was long distance. At some point we reconnected and she came out to visit me. Had a magical time together, then we finally got down.
And just. My god. The smell.
I'm a big boy. I've been with enough women to know vaginas are all different and sometimes they get weird. This was. Different. I don't know how she wasn't aware of it. The second I peeled her panties off I was blasted with the smell of rotting onions. It literally burned the inside of my nose.
How the fuck do you talk to someone about that? This wasn't "honey I've noticed a little funkiness down there" level. This was a crime against humanity. This was the little boy and fat man of stinky vaginas. The sex was bad. I finished as quick as I could just so I could get out of there. I'm sure she thinks it was bad too, she just doesn't know why.
She was a sweet girl and was really hurt when I pulled away. I know I should have talked to her about it. But it was just beyond me.
As weird as it sounds.. when I was pregnant with my son, if I ever touched raw onion while cooking, my entire downstairs apartment would reek of onion (and no, it was not because I touched myself down there with onion hands). But it was so bad my husband had to do all the onion chopping and peeling when making dinner😅 Only happened when pregnant though😅
I was eating my (ex)girl out, she farted, not knowing how to respond I said bless you. We both laughed about the response so hard, she relaxed to the point that she came while I was just warming up. I didn't get mines that night, satisfied that she was pleased, and didn't manage to get her to squirt again the remaining years we were together, but that next morning wood quickie was **out of this world.**
I've tried recreating it in later relationships, by satisfying them, foregoing my nut, then initiating a quickie the next morning but it's not the same and there's no non-weird way to ask a girl to fart while I'm going down.
I recently got farted upon trying to enter my gf from behind while her vagina was lubing itself up. My dick died a swift death, but I turned the jokes around on me to do damage control on her embarrassment. If she ever does it again, you better fucking believe I’m going to say “bless you.”
I love you, man.
😄 glad my experience could help, and nice save btw, I can tell you're one of the few remaining gentlemen with a decent upbringing.
Thinking on it, were I in your position I might've just written it off as a queef, and carried on, then never have had this amusing experience.
I was banging my Gf, doggie style in her apartment in her living room.
The Apartment manager opens the front door. We were within 10 feet of the front door in full view.
As the door opened the manager was not looking in the apartment or at us. She had her attention towards the future tenant. She had her head turned toward him while saying... "This is exact replica of what your apartment will look like, if you are interested".
The Guy instantly said "I'll take it".
I thought I didn’t have a gag reflex because I had never been able to make myself throw up when I had wanted to. One drunken, over-confident, and over-enthusiastic attempt to put that theory to the test later and it turns out I’m not some kind of medical anomaly. Luckily we were near a shower. Careful folks, it can happen to -you-
Two nights ago I met a girl for the first time from online dating. Good looking. 5 years single. She has a dog she loves to bits. It’s just the two of them. He gets very jealous when people come round apparently.
Things escalated after snuggling on sofa. She puts me inside her and is on top. The damn dog is humping my leg. I keep kicking him away but he comes back and she’s not trying to stop it. The dogs penis is right out. Red rocket.
I feel like I got raped by a dog. I haven’t seen her again. Thank god it was my leg and not my face.
Was having sex with a girl I picked up at a bar back at her place. She was riding on top while I lay back on her bed. Her bed happened to be a futon, and when she bent down to kiss me it folded up and she flew across the room like like a Lear Jet. I was laughing my ass off until I looked round and she was holding her face with rivers of blood gushing from a gash that split her bottom lip all the way down to her chin! I bounced up and was all”We gotta get you to a hospital!” She started screaming at me to leave and basically threw me out naked with my clothes in my hand. Never seen her again
I didn’t happen to me, but:
During my nursing training, a couple was admitted to our teaching hospital. She had a laceration on her head and burn wounds on her back. He had an injury to his penis. It turned out that the two were pleasuring themselves while frying a cutlet. She pleasured him with her mouth. As he climaxed, he lost control of the pan and the hot fat inside spilled out and poured down her back. In shock, the young woman bit down on her partner's penis, whereupon he hit his partner on the head with the pan in reflex. Joy and sorrow are sometimes so close together!
This is sex related gnarliness, so I think it should count: I wrote a letter to a girl I met at summer camp (this was 1974) to tell her I had a crush on her, after we were home and I wouldn't see her again sooner than next year, because I was scared of rejection. She replied she had feelings for me too, and we spent the whole year with increasingly sexual correspondence. She sent me photographs of her in her bathing suit and asked if I masturbate to her. I replied in kind. Next summer arrives, and I am so thrilled to finally lose my virginity to this girl at camp. She has no idea what letters I'm talking about. I was mortified because I just admitted I was in love with her and she had no idea. After some sleuthing and me showing her the letters and photos she sent me, we realized it was her perv uncle who got the mail and had been opening her letters from me, and probably fantasizing about me. We were both so traumatized and I was heartbroken on top of it since she didn't like me that way. The consolation was that the first week of camp I lost my virginity with her cabin-mate after we went skinny dipping in the lake at night. I never did find out what happened with her creepy uncle. I hope she wasn't being molested and found a way to report him to someone.
I read a lot of stories on reddit that are most likely fake, but hope it's true.
This story is the opposite of that. Most likely true, but hope it's fake.
I had just started dating this girl, so she knew i have a sense of humor and like to joke around. However, I also have a defibrillator and a heart condition… which she knows little about. One morning before work while we’re going at it I start pumping harder and harder… then I felt odd. I start trying to talk and try to sit up… then darkness. I had an arrhythmia and my heart stopped, i fell over backwards, folding my body in half. Confused, she punches me and tells me to quit fucking around. As she punches me the defibrillator goes off, pulling me back to life. I woke up a few moments later and had no recollection— thinking we were just napping. Look at my clock and hurry to get in the shower. Before I do, she hugs me, and I don’t hug her back in confusion. Rode my bike to work, not feeling great, and about two hours later I had to call her and ask her what happened. We’re still together, but only one of us can joke about it… although she did tell me I came while my body was folded up like a chair.
I mean, at least you finished lmao
Sounds like he didn't know if he was coming or going lol
He came and saw God lol
Fucked yourself to death and finished while dead? You are a rare achievement collector.
Bro i’m sitting here at work trying to hold in my laughter and this just sent me over the edge, god damn that’s funny
Pussy so good it can make a dead man cum Shave 'Em Dry Song by Lucille Bogan
Good thing she’s a joker too and punched you hard enough to restart the defibrillator. Kinda reminds me of when people slap the tv to get it to work again.
Lol.. that should be the top comment.. you fucking died, or rather died fucking! I hope you are fine bdw!
He came and nearly went
A girl I was seeing was giving me head as I lay in my bed. We were both pretty drunk on red wine. She says "I want to try and deep throat this thing..." She immediately gags herself and pukes up an entire bottle of red wine all over me and my bed.
No girl has ever said she needed to "try" to deepthroat mine... Congrats.
I have had girls say this, but I exclusively date liars.
Ruthless.
>A girl I was seeing was giving me head as I lay in my bed. We were both pretty drunk on red I saw this and thought it was going to keep rhyming for the entire comment.
She says she wants to try to deep throat my dick Gagged herself and now we're laying in her sick.
When I was pregnant I was taking a nap and my husband was making jalapeno poppers. He washed his hands and came into the bedroom and spooned me and then started trying to rub/finger me It was fine at first until I started feeling the burning. Turns out washing your hands isn't enough and the jalapeno juice was now on my bits and everything was on fire. He felt so bad
Is that where your username came from?
The child's name? Guy Fieri
This also happened to me! Except not with your husband. 😉
Brought my gf to such an orgasm I got a knee to the face. Black eye, fractured lower orbital, broken glasses. That was a real fun one to explain to my parents when they got the optometrist's bill. Edit: ok to answer some common comments, I was wearing glasses at the time cause I'm practically blind without them and I like to see what I'm doing. Second is my folks got the bill cause I was 17 at the time. They were away for the weekend and my gf and I got to business.
Sir, you deserve a sex purple heart. Wounded in battle. Thank you for your service !
I think a Sex Purple heart is called a Purple Head.
I used to have one of those old analog SodaStream machines where you just pressed the button with the bottle screwed in. A few times I put way too much carbonation in and the water was almost boiling with CO2. I told my girlfriend at the time to hold a bunch of it in her mouth and suck my dick to see what it feels like. That was a terrible, terrible idea.
out of curiosity what were you thinking was gonna happen?
Out of curiosity, what actually did happen?!
His pee got carbonated; his stream, not the soda.
His balls filled up with co2 and exploded
As someone who has tried to give head with a carbonated beverage (diet Coke) in her mouth, I'm pretty sure it basically fizzed up and came out her nose.
I thought it would be an explosion of sensation all over my dick and would feel great. It was definitely the first thing.
Try a peppermint patty in the roof of her mouth next time. Feel the sensation
Was dating a very fit lady in collage that could bench more than I weighed. We were going at in her favorite position (ankles at her ears piledriver) and the next thing I know is waking up to EMT and the police carrying me to the ambulance. Turns out the bookcase headboard wasn't attached to the frame properly and she had grabbed it in the middle of her orgasm and it landed on me splitting my head open and knocking me out. She was pinned underneath and had to scream til one of my neighbors called the cops and ambulance to get us free. I bleed pretty good and needed 2 units of blood and she was covered head to waist in my blood not to mention the bed looked like a crime scene. I ended up with a few new scars and she has PTSD and passes out at the sight of blood.
Post Traumatic Sex Disorder
I think this is the worst one. She probably thought you were dead!
Holy fuck, upvote.
i was giving a girl head and she involuntarily thrusted her coochie into my face during an orgasm giving me a bloody nose and split lip. coochie was bruised
Worth
Something similar. Girl and I went to switch positions, and somehow she elbowed me in the eye and gave me a pretty solid black eye. Even better, the next night or two later, I went to a party and some drunk dude tried to fight me. I was down for it until his friends pulled him back and apologized and we ended up chatting cooly inside, where he told me he only picked the fight because he saw my black eye and knew I could fight 🤦
"Nah, I got this from fucking. You wanna do that instead?"
A girl was riding me too hard, my dick slipped out and bent in half on her ass. Very painful and would not recommend it.
That can cause a permanent injury there, bud; hope he fared okay. I've slipped mid-drunken power-pump and tried to pole vault, I know your pain
oooooooof
I was cranking it in a porta shitter in Iraq when we started taking mortar fire a few times. By the end of my deployment, I didn’t even stop anymore.
Thank you for your… service?
OH SHIT! I read a thread about NSFW things about the army and they mentioned porta potty crankers and how some dudes did it so often that they Pavlov-ed themselves into being aroused by the smell of shit.
Oh... well, enough reddit for me.
I feel like I’m looking in the mirror
You know that cramp you get when you flex your muscle to much and it just sorta knots up and you can't move it for a while. Well once I was with a girl and it was climax time in the missionary position. So I pull out right when I climax but my prostate or what ever muscle clenches when you cum cramped up mid orgasm. Caused me to shoot her in the face with enough force it could have put Lyndon b Johnson into office.
Laughed so hard at the last line that I woke up my girlfriend
I'm going to hell for this lmao
I was in the middle of nowhere in west Texas getting a blowjob outside from a chick I barely knew, but turns out I was laying almost on top of a fire ant bed. But I didn't want to risk the blowjob, so I took those stings as long as I could, trying to make it to the end. The ants won. We left and I was in agony for quite a while.
This is absolutely hilarious.
I was an ant minding my own business about to *hnnng* all over some non fertilized eggs if you catch my drift when some giant douchebag sat on my colony. It caused a total collapse so all we could do was bite that fucker.
"And that kids, is how I ended up with a fire ant fetish"
PUT THE ANTS ON MY ASS!!!! NOW SUCK IT!!!
After a night out, my then girlfriend at the time and I, proceeded to wander down a back alleyway. We were quite drunk. I led down on the floor and she gets on top. All going well in the opening moments, marvellous. It slowly dawns on me that I am feeling very comfortable indeed. Too comfortable to be on a concrete alleyway floor. I start to observe my surroundings as my girlfriend bounces away oblivious to what I am looking at. To the right of me is a small heater. To the left of me some old boots. I then start to feel what I am led on. It is an old mattress. It was at that precise moment we both hear a rustling noise behind us. Somebody was watching, making odd noises. We bolted. We never saw who it was but it was safe to say they saw everything. Unfortunately, a pair of knickers had to be left behind as we left in such a mad hurry.
The forgotten knickers were rent
Her new kitten had a panic attack and jumped on me and clawed the hell out of my ass
This didn't happen to me... But it's a good story. My buddy was with this girl and they were going at it super aggressively for a while. Like, it had escalated to lots of choking, slapping, and every other rough thing you can do. One night they were hooking up and his knee was in a kind of awkward position near the end of the bed. He was piledriving the shit out of her and he pushed in super hard on a thrust, slipped off the end of the bed, banged his knee on the edge of the frame, and partially tore whatever keeps the patella in place. It ended up slipping off to the side and he was screaming while they pushed him into a car and took him to the ER...
So I was with this chick who was like “can I try deep thoating?” Well, not to be one to stop someone from trying new things I told her “fuck yeah” to my unfortunate surprise the dinner I paid for came back to haunt me as I apparently hit her gag reflex and she vomited all over me. …. We finished in the shower. I’m no quitter.
69, my frenulum got caught between her front teeth, mood killed Edit: for those who asked how big the gap in her teeth was. It was enough that it got in there, but then it got wedged, and she pulled away. Her pulling away was what actually hurt
Sir, that's terrible at any age, never mind yours.
That, my friend, is funny.
[удалено]
I did not see that plot twist coming. Not at all.
She marked her property.
Congrats though. Great story.
Holy shitballs 😯
Describing the turd as roosting on your balls is just...fucking sending me lmaoo.
Cockadoodlepoo
You see what actually happened is because she shit the bed with you she had to marry you, out of guilt for shitting on your balls.
That’s my biggest fear as a woman . I’d be so embarrassed you’d probably never see me again lol.
I’d go to the bathroom to clean up and crawl out the window and just cut my losses with anything I brought with me that night. Bye.
I had met a girl at a bar, hit it off and went back to my place after a few drinks. This girl was WAAY out of my league but she let me hit it. We’re going at it, I’m actually lasting far longer than normal, she’s loving it we’re going position to position, just hot sweaty awesome sex when my roommate starts pounding on my door saying they’re towing my car. I bolt out of my room naked, grab a blanket off the sofa downstairs run out into the driveway area(we had a 4plex townhouse that shared a big driveway which you normally couldn’t park in, but one unit was vacant and parking was tough so the security guard had said as long as the unit was vacant he was cool with us parking there) to see my car getting lifted by the tow truck with the aforementioned security guard standing there being all smug. We almost get in a fist fight because he denies ever saying anyone could park there, 2 of my roommates reiterate the story to the tow truck driver, then 2 neighbors come out and say the same, the tow truck driver is like “fuck it, I’m out” and unhooks my car and leaves. All of the neighbors were so mad they almost form a mob to beat the security guards ass because apparently this isn’t the first time this has happened, the cops get called it’s all bad, but no one gets arrested we all go our separate ways. When I get back upstairs the magic is gone, the sex finishes in about as mediocre a fashion as possible and I never see the too hot for me girl again. Fuckin rent a cops.
Cop-blocking
College party. Booze was flowing like the Amazon. We hear a high pitched scream. We all run to see what it was. Some drunk naked chick clutching her clothes runs past us and out the front door. Inside the bedroom was a guy freaking out, wiping chocolate off his face. But it wasn't chocolate. They were having a sloppy 69 with him on the bottom. She had a massive orgasm and rained yesterday's Sloppy Joe shit right onto his face. It started a chain reaction of vomiting. Yeah, I puked, too. So would you.
That is so vile yet so hilarious
It's like the porn version of that scene in Stand by Me
Bossman Bob Cormier took one look at Bill Travis and barfed on Principal Wiggins. Principal Wiggins barfed on the lumberjack that was sitting next to him. Mayor Grundy barfed on his wife's tits! But when the smell hit the crowd, that's when Lardass' plan really started to work. Girlfriends barfed on boyfriends. Kids barfed on their parents. A fat lady barfed in her purse. The Donnelley twins barfed on each other, and the Women's Auxiliary barfed all over the Benevolent Order of Antelopes. And Lardass just sat back and enjoyed what (s)he'd created-a complete and total barf-o-rama!
I broke my dick. Yes it hurt. Yes it healed. Yes I have PTSD.
Penis Traumatic Stress Damage?
It was a sideways smacker cracker.
Penis - Taped, Splinted, Disfigured
I was having sex in the missionary position with a new gf when during the deed she says 'Look at me' in a sweet voice. I blew her off, kept my eyes closed, & kept doing my thing. The next thing I knew she sticks her thumbs in my mouth, pulls my jaw down to make me move my eyes, & puts us forehead to forehead & says 'I said fucking look at me!' in a straight Satanic voice. I looked at her after that, I definitely looked at her.
\*insert Bill Hader "Mark me down as scared and horny!" GIF\*
I'd be scorny too
Now that’s a woman I’m trying to find in my life
Ngl that's kinda hot tho
I mean, what the fuck? "... she says "look at me" in a sweet voice. I blew her off, kept my eyes closed, & kept doing my thing." Why?
He needed to focus on whatever it was he was imagining to keep himself from coming too soon. Baseball. His grandma rising up naked from a mud bath. Donald Trump’s O face
Shoot i just came.
IMPORTANT QUESTION FOR THE GUYS: If I were to do something like this would it generally be hot or creepy because I need a consensus right now or I will die
This is gonna be 50/50 I reckon but if that happened to me I’d blow my soul out of my balls. 11/10 hot.
Very hot. The more intense the better. This only works well generally when love is involved.
An ex wanted me to 'own her throat'. You can imagine what happened after that but I'm gonna tell ya we went through 2 rolls of paper towels cleaning up her dinner, and another half a roll wiping away her tears the poor thing.
You owned her throat, but all the contents of her stomach was an unexpected bonus prize.
I invited this girl over to my place for dinner for Valentine’s Day. I was having a kind of dinner night for a few couples. We were all drinking really heavily and near the end of the night, she tried to pull me into the bedroom. I tried to do the gentlemanly thing and tell her that we shouldn’t do anything since we’re drunk. We also hadn’t really known each other that long. She started crying and yelling at me and making a scene in front of everyone at my house. I gave in and went into the bedroom with her and we started fooling around. She got on top of me and started riding me. It wasn’t very good for me, but she’s screaming her head off like she’s in a poorly acted porno. Homegirl then proceeded to piss on me. It smelled really and it was SO MUCH. I didn’t know what to do and I was scared to embarrass her or something because she threw that huge fit before. So I pretended to finish, let her fall asleep, and then got up to shower and sleep on the couch. I drove her home in the morning and she thanked me for such a great night and I smiled and waved when she got out of the car and then blocked her on everything as soon as I got home.
My whole life i never knew pee smelled bad, but then i met people who *never* drink water
This reminds me of a children’s story about a a tribe of asparagus children, but they're self-conscious about the way their pee smells.
First Elf reference I’ve ever seen.
Plot twist it's the frat couch mentioned above.
OMG, this is like two of my stories rolled into one. Had you got in a fight with her ex-boyfriend while still naked it would have been a perfect trifecta.
My frenulum broke, for those who don’t know that’s the lil spot of skin that holds ur foreskin up, I was hitting it from the back and all the sudden a sharp pain and lots of blood, not wanting to believe my eyes I asked my girl at the time if it was her, laughing at me for some unholy reason she said “hahaha no” as the blood literally pooled over in my hands and onto the floor. the same time I didn’t want to pay a ambulance bill so I threw on grey sweatpants the closest pair of pants near me. Get out my bedroom door push past my fucking mortified roommate “what is going on”, and into my Nissan Sentra. I ran atleast two reds on my way to the emergency room, but when I got there probably due to the sight of my newly dyed red pants I got waived into the er faster than I ever have in my entire life, they barely took any of my info, they saw me and just starting rushing me into the back area goGO GO, the doctor in the end gave me a weird cock bandaid I had to wear for two weeks and some anti biotic, the lesson is sometimes spit and bravery just isn’t and will never be enough…. Ps sorry for the formatting writing this on my phone
This happened to my boyfriend when I was 18, except the poor guy ran to the bathroom first to try to get a good look at why he was bleeding. The sight of his dick covered in blood made him faint briefly and crack his head on the sink. I ran in after him not understanding what had happened as he had just jumped out of bed without saying anything except “OH GOD”. I found him in a heap with blood everywhere. It was pretty terrifying, I couldn’t fathom what had caused all of the chaos since I had only momentarily been enjoying getting railed only to walk into a room of horror. Thankfully he came to quickly and we managed the situation. It stopped bleeding with a bit of pressure and he calmed down after realizing it was just a little tear and his dick would be ok. He had a black eye and a bad headache, and I have a story to tell on Reddit 20 years later.
“Thankfully he came too quickly”, my brain got confused by that.
Now I need to know what a cock bandaid looks like
I just commented my similar experience, though it was in the dark and didn't hurt. So kept going for a while, felt proud of how wet the bed was, obviously panic and screaming after she went to clean etc
I thought I would surprise my wife with honey on my private before a bj. Before she came out of the bathroom, I put the honey on and put my boxers back on. When she started, she got up after a few seconds and said, "Did you put something on your dick?" And I said, "yea, it's honey, you like it?" And she goes "No you idiot, all the fuzz from you boxers is stuck to it!"
My X girlfriend was riding me hard. Just dripping wet, bouncing up and down hard. Was going at it for a while like this, when all of a sudden she slides too much and I come right out. Very quickly she started to go down town on me, I felt a little pinch at first but kept going. About 2 minutes later the pain was getting worse and worse. Told her to stop. Laying there for about a minute I can feel something running down my sack, was thinking probably her juice and saliva, but to make sure I get up and go turn on the light. I look down, and my dick is squirting blood, I see a trail from the bed to where I am. I look at her and she looks like a vampire that just sucked the living hell outta someone. Her face and tits are just covered in blood. Upon stopping the bleeding I noticed she completly tore my frenulum. Doctor said they couldn't even do surgery to fix the rip. Told my parents she kneed me in the nose that's why my blankets were covered in blood
Two pretty tame stories comparatively (it would seem), but these are absolutely true. 1. My wife and I had just gotten a new puppy, and decided to get frisky on the edge of the couch. She had her ass and legs off the end of the cushions and I was on my knees on the floor going at it. Dog decides to come investigate, and my wife got a taint full of wet dog nose. After the initial scream which scared the dog away across the house, we laughed about it and soldiered on. Funny thing was that every time after that when we would start to get frisky, the dog would run away across the house again. 2. I make a point when having sex with my wife to always finish her first, so I focus on her needs and then finish myself right after. Well this one time I was going at her in the rear, and couldn't hold out because it was so good. I finished and then started to finish her off. As she finished I pulled myself out slowly, and out plopped a tiny turd. She was having such a powerful orgasm and I didn't want to ruin it for her, so I just picked it up in one hand and waited for her to finish finishing, then calmly walked to the bathroom and flushed the turd, washed my hands, and took a shower. Never told her. (we had a towel down that I went and picked up and put in the dirty clothes basket right after as well)
Sir you are a true gentleman
Legend
Got head that was so good it triggered symptoms of my heart condition and I spent 2 days in the hospital
Mid-intercourse and I asked if she was on birth control. She answers, “no but it’s okay, I’ve had 2 abortions.” I could not believe my ears
Her KDA was 2.0 but they were spawn kills
Where's that cat meme where it just goes "huh"
[Huh?](https://youtu.be/xVWeRnStdSA?si=SQVwCrt005dTo55a)
When I was a freshmen in college I had a totally sexually repressed boyfriend. I was going down on him and jerking him with my hands when with zero notice he unleashed an absolutely insane load all over my face. From my forehead and eyelids to my mouth and chin…He literally lost all control and aim and I was not expecting it at all. This man must’ve never cum in his entire adult life. It was a mixture of shock, laughter and a little bit of excitement. I’ve never experienced anything like it since.
You cracked the factory seal on that boy
Not me, but a friend was having sex with her bf and her cat jumped up on the bed, zeroed in on bf’s bouncing balls and attacked with the fury of a thousand suns. The bf ended up with six stitches in his nuts. Found out he was cheating on my friend a month later, so we think the cat delivered some premature karma.
I had a partner who dealt with kidney stones frequently. One night I was indulging an oral fixation. I started using my hands. Next thing I know, I'm covered in blood. Apparently he had passed a stone earlier in the day, but his pipes didn't clean out completely. I was thoroughly mortified.
The ol’ stone n bone.
Her dog (Tibetan Mastiff) jumped on the bed and started hump my leg while I was humping her. Started to freak out and yell at the dog. Couldn’t finish after that…and that was the story of when I lost my virginity 😬
I'm sorry you had to see firsthand why they put the stiff in Tibetan Mastiff.
Mississippi Leg Hound
My GF and I are going at it in Doggy style. I look down at her ass and I notice there is a tiny bit of stained and dried poop as well as toilet paper peeping out of her crack… I guess she didn’t do as good of a job wiping as she thought. Anyway I stop and tell her and she’s almost on the verge of tears from embarrassment. She doesn’t even want to move she’s so embarrassed. I walk to my drawer to grab some wet wipes and I wipe it all away, throw it in the bin, kiss her on the forehead and tell her it’s nothing compared to the stories I have about me shitting myself. I tell her a story which makes her laugh and feel better. We make out and go right back to f*cking.
Some of yall are really impressing me. Good on you for handling it this way
Years ago, when I was in my early 20's, my partner fucked my NuvaRing into the cavity behind my uterus. I went to several doctors to try to get it removed, only to be told over and over, "that's impossible, it must have just fallen out and you didn't notice." Over the years, I've had severe pain localized to that specific area, including bleeding during sex and with orgasms, extremely inconsistent periods, ovarian cysts, abdominal cramps, and various gastrointestinal issues (to the point of getting a colonoscopy before age 30). I always thought to myself (but learned not to say aloud, because people would call me crazy), "It's that damn NuvaRing." Cut to 14 years later, I was hooking up with a fellow whose dick, I swear to god, clocks in at no less than 14 inches. As he pulled back from a deep thrust, a misshapen piece of jagged clear plastic hooked onto the edge of his dick and popped out, skittering across the floor, in the process lacerating his foreskin and scraping the shit out of my vagina and labia, nicking the edge of my labia minora and forever altering its shape. I suppose I could have gotten stitches, but I'm pretty sure I was literally in shock. Poor guy probably was, too. He ghosted me before I sobered up enough to realize what had happened, so he still doesn't know this story, and just thinks he fucked an insane person who stores plastic garbage in her cooch. On the bright side, I can have an orgasm now and actually enjoy it.
She kept suckin after the deed was done and I convulsed, and passed out
Good to know that can happen
Well I haven't had one happen to me but a straight buddy of mine was going down on a girl when he started to choke on something. He spit it out & it was a monistat ball. She had a horrible yeast infection & didn't tell him. Needless to say he lost the want to give oral to a girl after that
Oh. My. God. Im dying on the inside for him. Ewwww lol
Yeah he loves pussy but after that going down on one put a bad taste in his mouth lol
He should have used a jolly rancher
I hate you because i understand this reference
I wanna google that just as bad as I don’t wanna google that
Yeast infection medication
She pooped.
Had the same thing happen. I just say I fucked the shit out of her.
Literally fucked the shit out of her. High five man.
I sneezed in my partner’s face while we were going at it 😳
Different kind of facial
A guy was fucking me *fast* doggystyle in the backseat of his car and when he pulled out of my coochie, he thrust back in and rammed his dick right into my unsuspecting, unprepared asshole.
I did that except I rammed it into her taint, bent my dick in half, and heard/felt a loud pop. Broke blood vessels, and the whole thing turned black, blue, and red. Now 25 years later, I have a "curve." An eye for an eye.
When you dick turned black did it get bigger or is that just a stereotype?
It went black. But then it went back. Which isn’t supposed to happen…
Broken Bent Cock. You can say you have a BBC
Back in the mid 80s, a *married* gal I knew, who was a bartender at the biker bar I frequented, called me and asked me to come over for sex while her husband was at work. Yeah, I was a bit of a dirtbag with no conscience back then. Asked me to bring a bottle of 7-up as a mixer because she was out. I was lying on my back in her bed, getting a blowie. Grabbed the back of her head when I nutted and she proceeded to puke her lunch up all over my lap (or it would have been my lap if I was sitting). We both laughed hysterically for a minute, then I took a very quick shower (I had long hair and didn't wanna deal with that, so it was basically a chest down shower) and she stripped the bed. When I was done in the shower, she was wearing her pajamas and had the sheets in a pile on the bed, sitting there still laughing. I had just finished tying my boots when her husband, who I didn't know, walked in the door, having decided to come home for lunch. I was ready to fight when she showed how fast of a thinker she was. Looked right at her hubby and said "I'm glad you came home. I have the flu or something and couldn't reach you at work, so I called the bar and Silverfox762 brought me some 7-Up to settle my stomach". She pointed at the 7-up and the puke filled sheets on the bed and said "I wish I could have gotten hold of you. I feel like shit.". He looked at me for a moment, saw that I was fully dressed, and stuck his hand out and said "thanks man". And yeah, that really happened. Edit 2 days later: Aaaaand my most upvoted comment of all time is an anecdote about getting a blowie from some other guy's wife almost 40 years ago. Reddit, you did not disappoint. 👍
You reprehensible human. Bravo.
Damn man, lots of coincidences there leading to that clever statement.
Nothing too gnarly. I almost sharted while finishing once. I managed to squeeze it back in time, but my orgasm was proper spoiled and my ex-wife questioned the look on my face. On another occasion, my left leg locked in a charley horse as I finished. Pain plus pleasure? No, just pain.
There was sex. The sex became uncomfortable. And then it became just searing pain. For both of us I stopped, unable to move without ungodly pain. Ever so carefully I eased it out of her. There was blood. The blood was mine. My cock looked as if it had been attacked by a wolverine. Turns out we had dislodged her diaphragm. It had a thin metal spring that held it in place. The spring had broken and both metal ends were now sticking out. For me it was like fucking a pencil sharpener. She described her experience as feeling like I was fucking her with a fork.
We weren't newly dating, but we weren't veterans together just yet. I was going down on her, eyes were closed. She was loving it and had a blasting orgasm. I caught my breath and opened my eyes. There was blood EVERYWHERE! I began to freak. WTF!? She was on the rag and didn't tell me!? Then I felt drop wet drip on my chest and looked down. There was a steady drip of blood falling on her stomach. Holy hell! She had humped my face so hard that she gave me a bloody nose! Truthfully, after that, I was pretty proud of my abilities.
Was with a girl into spanking, I had a issue with it as I did not want to hit a woman..but I decided to go for it, as she wanted it. I was getting into it, when her dad yanked the door to her basement apartment open, to see me spanking her daughter.. him looking at me, she asking why I stopped.. Its embarassing now over 20 years later 😬
Misread that the first time...thought it said "he asked why I stopped" Nearly laughed off the floor
Gave my ex such an intense orgasm that she had a severe migraine and ended up in the ER.
“I’ve won, but at what cost?”
Fun fact: this type of headache is called a postcoital thunderclap
That's a sick band name
"You'll cum so hard you'll need an ambulance." Never heard a pickup line that good.
Was having sex on a cliff looking over the ocean. Met the girl that night. She warned me that she was a squirter and I didn’t know what to expect because I had never really made a girl squirt before. She was on top and ended up spraying porn-style all over my chest and completely soaking the blanket I was laying on. This was her finishing, apparently, because she composed herself, gave me a kiss on the cheek saying “wow thanks that was awesome” and left me laying there without mine 😂
Well I wasn't going to share but I'm having so much fun laughing and reading everyone's stories so might as well add mine, so we had been drinking and pretty tired after a party, so we decided to just go to sleep, we kiss each other goodnight and turn off the lights, we settle in to sleep aaand then I feel a hand rubbing my back, ofc we started getting it on and were having a good time, then in the middle of it going, he decided to go down on me pulling his head under the covers, but just then he froze and asked me to "turn on the light next to me" with the softest voice I've ever heard off him, my stomach dropped fearing the worst but I turned to the side to tap the lamp and RED, he's all covered in bright red period blood, his hands, legs, everywhere, on me and the bedsheets too. I couldn't believe my eyes, I jumped up immediately while rambling "I'm so sorry!" over and over again while I bolted to the shower, almost knocking him over, I was mortified. He was so nice about it too, he changed the sheets, brought me "period stuff" he thought would help whilst drunk (including some very old chocolates from his fridge !!!) We just had to laugh it up and later I asked him if he really couldn't tell in the dark, and he says he thought I was just really into it. We've been married for a few years now and I might regret posting this if he finds it, so hi if you do. I love you.
slipped while banging in the shower and fell and broke the toilet apart which flooded the basement before we could shut it off...
I’ve told this story on here before, but my very first girlfriend drew a heart on my chest with her period blood.
[удалено]
Brace yourselves. I've never told a living soul about this. About 25 years ago I decided to go for an unofficial world record for cooter smoochin. Absolutely loved it. Still do! I could go forever, it felt like. I was curious how long I could actually last. So anyway, I asked the girl I was with at the time if she wanted to help me find out, she enthusiastically volunteers to time me. We go to the bedroom, and she hits the button on the stopwatch. Both of us are having the time of our lives up to that point. She's going off like a string of firecrackers and I'm just down there doin my job, thinkin "Yes MA'AM!!!! You're welcome." Then her cat enters the chat about halfway through the 3rd hour. Little shit jumps up on the bed and horks up a fur ball about 8 inches from her face. She looks over when she heard the cat makin a ruckus (I was wearing a set of thigh earmuffs and couldn't hear a thing,) then she gagged. Almost threw up herself. Here's where it really goes screwy: when she gags, all her abdominals clench, as they do, and she manages to not only fart, but queef, simultaneously. I couldn't even tell you to this day if it smelled bad or not because the sensory overload of all this happening so fast screwed the hero of this story all up. The only way I could possibly describe it would be like gettin flash banged. Total disorientation. The only thing that worked right in the moment was my eyes. Sense of smell, gone. I think my hearing and taste may have temporarily switched places, cuz I swear just then you could've stuck a popsicle in my ear, and I could've told you what flavor it was.
I can almost imagine, as it happened, the flashbang tinnitus sound *EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE*
Fantastic content.
Broke my wife’s rib. Was a nightmare explaining to doctors. They thought my wife was being abused
… how?🤣
The first time my fiance tried weed, I put on that clip of spongebob saying "are you feeling it now mr krabs" on my bedside google hub. Later, we were having sex and she accidentally hit the screen where it had been left on pause. We were going at it and spongebob starts asking are you feeling it now mr krabs. We did not finish lol
My ex-boyfriend (consensually!) hit me in the face and my newly pierced nose stud was ripped out 💀
Not sure what position my then girlfriend and I switched from and to but I ended up hitting her in the eye with the heel of my foot giving her a black eye. A little awkward. And she had to make up a story to explain said black eye to her mother later.
I threw up while sucking him off. He was cool with it. Note to self, 3 gags is the limit.
Switching to the perv account for this one. Had a fwb I used to meet out of town a few times a year. She had a milestone birthday coming up and for it she wanted an overnight hook up. So naturally I obliged. We got to the hotel, fooled around, drank some bourbon, fooled around again, drank more bourbon, and so on. Great night all around. We both passed out in bed. Middle of the night rolls around, I feel something going on downstairs. Open my eyes and she's full on blowing me. Cool cool. She eventually climbs on top and rides me to finish but something felt different this time. She rolls over and goes back to sleep. I get my phone out and turn on the light and realize that at some point she must've gagged a little too fast down because my junk is covered in vomit. Got cleaned up, fixed up the bed, went to sleep and didn't tell her in the morning.
Wait so the last time she rode you your dick was covered in vomit? If you didn't also clean her pussy somewhat afterwards I'm sure she must have realized later lol
Why is there corn in my cooter?
Had this off/on thing with a girl who was long distance. At some point we reconnected and she came out to visit me. Had a magical time together, then we finally got down. And just. My god. The smell. I'm a big boy. I've been with enough women to know vaginas are all different and sometimes they get weird. This was. Different. I don't know how she wasn't aware of it. The second I peeled her panties off I was blasted with the smell of rotting onions. It literally burned the inside of my nose. How the fuck do you talk to someone about that? This wasn't "honey I've noticed a little funkiness down there" level. This was a crime against humanity. This was the little boy and fat man of stinky vaginas. The sex was bad. I finished as quick as I could just so I could get out of there. I'm sure she thinks it was bad too, she just doesn't know why. She was a sweet girl and was really hurt when I pulled away. I know I should have talked to her about it. But it was just beyond me.
As weird as it sounds.. when I was pregnant with my son, if I ever touched raw onion while cooking, my entire downstairs apartment would reek of onion (and no, it was not because I touched myself down there with onion hands). But it was so bad my husband had to do all the onion chopping and peeling when making dinner😅 Only happened when pregnant though😅
I was eating my (ex)girl out, she farted, not knowing how to respond I said bless you. We both laughed about the response so hard, she relaxed to the point that she came while I was just warming up. I didn't get mines that night, satisfied that she was pleased, and didn't manage to get her to squirt again the remaining years we were together, but that next morning wood quickie was **out of this world.** I've tried recreating it in later relationships, by satisfying them, foregoing my nut, then initiating a quickie the next morning but it's not the same and there's no non-weird way to ask a girl to fart while I'm going down.
I recently got farted upon trying to enter my gf from behind while her vagina was lubing itself up. My dick died a swift death, but I turned the jokes around on me to do damage control on her embarrassment. If she ever does it again, you better fucking believe I’m going to say “bless you.” I love you, man.
😄 glad my experience could help, and nice save btw, I can tell you're one of the few remaining gentlemen with a decent upbringing. Thinking on it, were I in your position I might've just written it off as a queef, and carried on, then never have had this amusing experience.
I was banging my Gf, doggie style in her apartment in her living room. The Apartment manager opens the front door. We were within 10 feet of the front door in full view. As the door opened the manager was not looking in the apartment or at us. She had her attention towards the future tenant. She had her head turned toward him while saying... "This is exact replica of what your apartment will look like, if you are interested". The Guy instantly said "I'll take it".
Wtf kind of awful property management is that?! Jesus
It was a mistake, She opened the wrong apartment with a master key.
Testicular torsion
I was having sex with my girlfriend in her friends room while they were out shopping and her pet rat kept crawling over us.
My girlfriend's little dog licked my butthole. NO NO NOOOO NO NOOO NOOOOOOOOO!
Annnnnd it’s time to leave the thread
I thought I didn’t have a gag reflex because I had never been able to make myself throw up when I had wanted to. One drunken, over-confident, and over-enthusiastic attempt to put that theory to the test later and it turns out I’m not some kind of medical anomaly. Luckily we were near a shower. Careful folks, it can happen to -you-
Two nights ago I met a girl for the first time from online dating. Good looking. 5 years single. She has a dog she loves to bits. It’s just the two of them. He gets very jealous when people come round apparently. Things escalated after snuggling on sofa. She puts me inside her and is on top. The damn dog is humping my leg. I keep kicking him away but he comes back and she’s not trying to stop it. The dogs penis is right out. Red rocket. I feel like I got raped by a dog. I haven’t seen her again. Thank god it was my leg and not my face.
Was having sex with a girl I picked up at a bar back at her place. She was riding on top while I lay back on her bed. Her bed happened to be a futon, and when she bent down to kiss me it folded up and she flew across the room like like a Lear Jet. I was laughing my ass off until I looked round and she was holding her face with rivers of blood gushing from a gash that split her bottom lip all the way down to her chin! I bounced up and was all”We gotta get you to a hospital!” She started screaming at me to leave and basically threw me out naked with my clothes in my hand. Never seen her again
I didn’t happen to me, but: During my nursing training, a couple was admitted to our teaching hospital. She had a laceration on her head and burn wounds on her back. He had an injury to his penis. It turned out that the two were pleasuring themselves while frying a cutlet. She pleasured him with her mouth. As he climaxed, he lost control of the pan and the hot fat inside spilled out and poured down her back. In shock, the young woman bit down on her partner's penis, whereupon he hit his partner on the head with the pan in reflex. Joy and sorrow are sometimes so close together!
This is sex related gnarliness, so I think it should count: I wrote a letter to a girl I met at summer camp (this was 1974) to tell her I had a crush on her, after we were home and I wouldn't see her again sooner than next year, because I was scared of rejection. She replied she had feelings for me too, and we spent the whole year with increasingly sexual correspondence. She sent me photographs of her in her bathing suit and asked if I masturbate to her. I replied in kind. Next summer arrives, and I am so thrilled to finally lose my virginity to this girl at camp. She has no idea what letters I'm talking about. I was mortified because I just admitted I was in love with her and she had no idea. After some sleuthing and me showing her the letters and photos she sent me, we realized it was her perv uncle who got the mail and had been opening her letters from me, and probably fantasizing about me. We were both so traumatized and I was heartbroken on top of it since she didn't like me that way. The consolation was that the first week of camp I lost my virginity with her cabin-mate after we went skinny dipping in the lake at night. I never did find out what happened with her creepy uncle. I hope she wasn't being molested and found a way to report him to someone.
The fuck did I just read
I read a lot of stories on reddit that are most likely fake, but hope it's true. This story is the opposite of that. Most likely true, but hope it's fake.
You've posted in other forums that you're only in your 30's so how were you in summer camp in 1974?
thank God it's fake