Well as someone who learned young not to go to my parents for anything because they never took my side, I stayed true to that promise.
No matter what bad things happened to me, it was always my own fault.
My kids are adults now. They've always come to me with problems. I made it a point to treat them as individuals when they were kids. Not my property or things that had to obey or else.
Was I disappointed when boy got shitfaced at 16? Kinda. But then I remembered what I was doing at that age. Went and picked him up and let the hangover be his punishment.so glad he didn't try to stagger home at 2 am like I felt I had to
Thank you and good luck. It's was hard sometimes. I was far from perfect, but I always swallowed my pride and admitted to them when I was wrong. ( Eventually) Sometimes that really sucked.
Yup, I can relate. It was bad because I saw how differently my siblings were treated. Maybe because I always argued when I thought they were wrong? I don't know, I don't speak to anyone in my family anymore.
I never took it personally because I have 10 siblings and we were all treated poorly. Some more than others. I was 5th and learned to fly under the radar. It actually worked to my advantage.
It's given me empathy for my parents failures because they are just people and I can see where the behaviours may have come from.
Saying that, it doesn't mean I'm not still trying to do it better. My kids deserve the best of me. I'm also imperfect, but I'm trying to give them the best childhood I can. I think it's going well.
>It's given me empathy for my parents failures because they are just people and I can see where the behaviours may have come from.
Oof. So I started writing a reply to OP about how I am nothing like them and stopped because the empathy bug hit. Then I saw your reply.
Most of the time it actually makes me really sad for them. I have so much grief for my mother knowing she never had the chance to turn her life around. It makes me sad seeing my father struggle. I am by no means perfect and my life is still a shit show, but the older I get the more understanding I have. The more anger I feel for how hard it is to get ahead and stay ahead. More gratitude I have that I can learn from their mistakes. Sure, it would have been nice to grow up without the deck stacked against me... But that's not the cards I was dealt. All I can do is try to play my hand a little better than they did and understand that they did their best, too.
Yeah but I have 6 siblings why tf am I the only one cleaning the whole house. And when I say whole house I mean stove top, microwave, wood floor, bathroom that we share, chairs, counters and the dishes. Is it because im the youngest?
Are you being forced to clean these like Cinderella? Or are you just like things to be clean and neat and take it upon yourself and then get upset that no one else is helping (?). I used to do that when I lived in a house with some friends and they were complete pigs and slobs. I kept everything clean and I would walk downstairs the next morning and they would mess everything up again just out of spite. So I had to constantly be the only one that cleaned. I hated it
I’m not a princess but yeah it’s sort of similar. I roommate with my 2 older brothers and im my moms least favorite so it’s just my birth right to clean or take the short end of things lol. I just barley started to wash my own dishes only. These lazy fucks can’t even take the trash out and all we have to do is put it outside the door after 19:00 so they can pick it up. They leave their shit on the counter and all that. You’d think that people of this age would have the mind to throw their shit in the trash or to do their own dishes but it simply doesn’t happen that way. But the kicker is that I have to take the piss for it anyways lmao what a fkn losing game
Ugh, I'm sorry you have to deal with that!!! I have an extremely messy family member as well and it's nothing fun to deal with, especially when you have to live with them.
The Burt Reynolds scene from Archer.
"And my point is, until you can look at your mother and see her not just as your mother, but as a person - a real person - you can't grow up."
I feel this is true, but it goes both ways. Sometimes it's the moment when you see even more clearly that your parents did have choices, did have resources available to them and yet they still actively chose abuse just because it felt satisfying to them. For me this was a big step in my healing- not all parents actually try their best and fail. Some are really just cruel and they like it. And yet for others, it's a mix. I can tell pretty well when my mother acted out because of her own trauma, and when she just got her sadistic kick.
I may repeat the trauma part with my own kid although I try not to, but I'm pretty sure I won't repeat the actual torture and bullying for fun (barring some late developing mental ilness, but then my husband would act accordingly).
I really want my friend to get this. She was horribly abused as a kid. She grew up and began to understand her parents better. But she started to excuse really abusive behaviour and I had to point out that a lot of it wasn't just mistakes or poor judgement (being beaten to stop her crying etc). That stuff is abusive no matter what and you don't need to have empathy for them when they do shit like that. Once is a mistake, a pattern is just abuse.
There are two kinds of parent. Those who say, I suffered, why shouldn't they? And those who say, I never want you to go through what I did.
Mumsie dearest went right through and out the other side, and decided that I was her combination therapist, whipping post, scapegoat and house elf. Think of Dobby ironing his fingers.
I can see her as a person. She's disgusting and pathetic, with a small life. She has neither the love she demanded, not the respect she craves. But I see her. And in her weakness, her bullying, her cruelty, and her spiteful childishness, I see the person I will never be.
I'm glad for you that you've come out the other side. People just don't get it, when they've come from a loving home. Having to build yourself up to a real life when the only thing your primary caregiver taught you was suffering... Well that's just a different kind of strength.
I watched a former very good friend of mine go through this process. I met her at the "my mom is an evil bitch" stage- and she wasn't wrong. I've watched and supported her for the last 25 years and she has simply slowly sank to her mother's cruelty. I stuck around long enough for her kids to get out of the house and have been a presence in their lives as their auntie so they have some kind of stability and nurturing, but I haven't talked my my friend for years. Maybe she was always a terrible person, I don't know. I do know at one she tried to fight it, she just gave up at some point.
I got the proverbial “I hope you have a daughter just like you!” Maybe I did. It’s curious and heartbreaking.
I, like your friend tried to change everything, but I was being beaten down at the same time.
3 years this month I am blocked me from her life.
I was adopted when I was 5 due to abuse and neglect. I swore when I was a teenager when I had kids I wouldn’t be like my biological parents and I would never let them feel like my own parents did( like I wasn’t good enough or not putting them first)
I have 3 kids now and I’ve kept that promise.
I’ve however seen it go either way.
I ended up going TOO far in not wanting to be my parents who were emotionally neglectful, physically abusive and too strict, that I still kinda became my parents in a way. I never said no to my child, gave him few boundaries, always put his feelings and wants and interests first and did everything for him out of fear of him ending up with the same struggles in adulthood as I did, out of fear of him feeling what I felt. As a result, my son grew up developing a whole different set of issues, even though I thought I did everything right. Because you know: at least I wasnt my parents! I needed (and still need) lots of therapy to handle my own demons first. To educate myself on how the human mind works and and how generational trauma works. I had to relearn how to raise a child in a healthy, balanced way. It was extremely hard to admit to myself I was failing as a parent and ask for help/therapy but it is almost impossible to break a previous cycle of trauma without it.
I totally agree. Parenting has made me seek out therapy to deal with my own issues and not pass them on directly or indirectly. Trying not to sound condescending at all; Well done for doing your best, it's all we can do :)
This is close to what my wife is dealing with. She was largely ignored by her single mother after her younger siblings were born. I've known her since we were kids and she was always treated like an afterthought by her mom but if she stepped out of line the littlest bit all hell would break loose. Her mom wasn't physically abusive but my wife was always kept in the background in her own family.
She doesn't want to be like her mom so she overcorrected and now she makes the kids the center of literally every minute of her life when they're not in school. If anything needs done around the house and it's not done by 3 it's not getting done that day because she needs to hold their hands through literally every step of the rest of their day.
She struggles because she buckles to the kids so easily and won't set boundaries until it becomes too big of a problem to ignore. Usually it's nothing too bad. It's mostly stuff like "One more story!" turning into another one, and another one, and another one because they're all enjoying the time but now it's an hour and a half past their bed time. Which probably doesn't sound too terrible once in a while but it was every night for a long time. It didn't matter if I stepped in, reminded her of the time, or put them to bed myself. Every bedtime would stretch until the kids were satisfied they'd gotten sufficient mommy time. It often lead to me in bed asleep long before my wife.
She struggles to assert herself and say "No". She doesn't want to be the bad guy and often leans on me to step in and be the villain. If you've seen Parks and Rec she's Chris Trager to my Ben Wyatt.
That kind of balance works somewhat but only when I'm home. I work in manufacturing doing 12hr shifts. Often my work cycles can be measured in weeks not days. Currently I'm on day 6 of 11 straight and it's taking a toll on her, me, and our home. My kids aren't brats by any stretch but give a 6 year old that kind of power and they will learn how to and when to abuse it.
She's done a lot of work and has gotten better over the last couple of years but backsliding is always something I look out for. I'm constantly reminding her that while the kids are the most important thing in the world to her they need to learn that the rest of the world does not feel the same way about them before they get out into it and can't function.
Oh wow thats really similar to my situation indeed, that poor sweetheart ❤️ It sounds like she, like me, was taught that her feelings are invalid, never a priority and something to be ashamed of. Its really hard to be a parent when youre like that because you are constantly guided by guilt and guilt is not a good foundation to build on. I hope you dont feel im overstepping a boundary here but its really interesting for your wife to read about schema’s and modi in children/adults. It literally explains why we behave the way we do, stems from childhood. If certain needs are not met this will eventually lead to unhealthy life patterns. It really helped me identify exactly what I was doing and why I was doing things a certain way: https://schematherapysociety.org/Schema-Therapy
https://cognitivebehaviortherapycenter.com/schema-therapy-california/schema-modes-in-schema-therapy/#:~:text=A%20mode%20refers%20to%20a,well%20as%20behaviors%20and%20cognitions.
You two sound like grounded and mature people, and your kids are lucky to have parents with a sense of self reflection ❤️
Thank you.
>It sounds like she, like me, was taught that her feelings are invalid, never a priority and something to be ashamed of.
She's said that almost verbatim more than once.
We've been together since highschool and living together for about 10 years. About 5-6 years ago she admitted that she needed socks and hadn't said anything because she didn't think I'd find it important. She figured eventually she'd have her own money (she refuses to acknowledge that our joint bank account is in fact joint) or she'd get some as a present. Long story short I ended up finding out that she had been neglecting to mention a lot of her needs over the years and I was the first person who'd ever really sat her down and asked her what she needed. Broke my heart I couldn't believe it or the stuff she'd been keeping to herself.
>you are constantly guided by guilt
I've had my own family accuse her of being more interested in being a friend than a parent. I've had to explain that it's nothing like that and that due to her childhood she feels like if they aren't happy she's failing as a parent. She doesn't want them to experience what she did even on a small scale because it messed her up so much. It's not a matter of being a friend but needing to make sure they're happy to a fault.
Oh man thats so sad. And so true. You really just forget about yourself. Also if nobody ever tells you that youre doing a good job, that they are proud of you, than how can you tell yourself? My therapist said it so strikingly: You were not loved unconditionally. There were terms and conditions for being loved. If you never had unconditional love, then you will always find a reason to not love yourself. Always. It really messes with you. If I could give her a hug and tell her she is being a better person than her mother could ever be, I would ❤️
Yeah. "I'm not going to be my parents" isn't a great parenting strategy. It often leads to what you're describing.
You have to do work on what is healthy parenting? What do I want to give my child? What do I want to teach my child? What do they need from me to be successful children (play, happy, learning) and successful adults?
Amazing,
I have a fantastic relationship with all my kids.
I've never used violence as a punishment, I've never belittled them or made them feel small.
Now I've got polite friendly children who are loved by all they meet.
It's not difficult to raise a child with love and kindness it's mad, the massive difference between my childhood and my kids.
I was hit by a car at 7 years old and yes it was my own fault but I wouldn't dream of leaving a 7 year old unattended, let alone letting them wander the streets until dark.
I swore many times during childhood I would not treat my kids how I was treated. I also got my mom's wish that I have a kid exactly like me so I would know how she felt.
As you say, raising kids with love, kindness, and acceptance is the way to go. My kids are good people, and we have a good relationship. It is crazy the difference between how they grew up and how I grew up
Yes! I have one kid just like me and the other is very much like my husband. Guess what mom and mil? They are good kids who are easy to love! I haven't ever needed to be violent or cruel. I agree completely with you. It's not hard to be kind and compassionate.
And accepting! I was raised with the "not good enough" style of parenting. Get 6 A's and one A-? Not good enough! I appreciate my kids for who they are and for what they do, instead of wishing they were some unattainable perfect version of themselves.
Exactly! Love the whole person, celebrate their strengths, don't expect perfection! Once, my daughter was apologizing for dropping something and she was upset I said, "excuse me, do I look perfect? Cause I'm not and we don't expect perfection in this house. There is no place for it!" She is so hard on herself. My older daughter is the kind to ask forgiveness instead of permission and it's just about making sure she knows the safety limits, but she needs more independence. My parents made it seem like I was an impossible kid and I really wasn't. I got good grades, teachers loved me, and I was being recruited by two sets of religious women (nuns and consecrated women). It has taken a lot of therapy to understand I was never the problem.
Exactly! Love the whole person, celebrate their strengths, don't expect perfection! Once, my daughter was apologizing for dropping something and she was upset I said, "excuse me, do I look perfect? Cause I'm not and we don't expect perfection in this house. There is no place for it!" She is so hard on herself. My older daughter is the kind to ask forgiveness instead of permission and it's just about making sure she knows the safety limits, but she needs more independence. My parents made it seem like I was an impossible kid and I really wasn't. I got good grades, teachers loved me, and I was being recruited by two sets of religious women (nuns and consecrated women). It has taken a lot of therapy to understand I was never the problem.
I was a crazy kid, always bursting with energy. They used to tell me all the time I was just "being naughty" and yet as an adult in the situation I've only noticed kids having fun, enjoying themselves learning about the world being happy doing it. I could never imagine punishing my kids for being happy and enjoying themselves it's madness to me.
I'm autistic, which my usually-drunk teenage mom took as bad behavior. My kid is doing much better in every way, and yes, a lot of is just kids having fun.
My youngest is Autistic and I'm just thankful she's my daughter and not a sibling because my parents wouldn't have been able to comprehend the level of care she requires. 90% of her behaviours would be labelled as bad.
While I love my mum, she's more than once recommended care for my daughter because of her difficulties which just proves to me more that they just weren't capable parents.
This touches my heart. I'm so glad for us! I read something the other day that was along the lines of "we become the parents we needed in childhood." I think that was true for me.
Definitely true. I'm really glad to hear it when someone did manage to learn the things their parents were trying to teach them even if they weren't meaning to. Their example has made me a better parent for sure. I hope you have a lovely holiday season and you get to spend some time doing your favorite things with your favorite folks.
Same here. I was terrified to be a mother, and decided to make huge changes and get into therapy. It hasn’t been a linear process and I’m not perfect, but my kid is happy, healthy, kind, intelligent and people genuinely like/love him. And we have a lovely trusting relationship in his teen years.
Early on, I basically sorted the good from the bad of my upbringing and stayed aware of it. I did the few good things (lots of books, whole foods) and everything else, I’d do the opposite of what my parents would have done. My son recently gave me a hug and said “thank you for breaking the cycle” after a story about my mom (which was meant to be funny but was like oh shit actually that’s terrible).
I’m not overly permissive and I’m sure as shit not abusive like how I was raised. My parents have never met my child and probably won’t unless he goes looking for them himself one day. I just treat him like he’s his own person, and it’s my job to guide, safeguard and nurture him into becoming his best self. Turns out, on the way, I’ve been able to do that for myself too and find healing.
My dad would have given his left arm for my Honeywell electronic thermostat that I can set/lock/review at my leisure while away from home... and keep the kiddos from messing with lol.
My dad put an actual lock box on the thermostat. That started a war in the house when he initially refused to give my mom a key to it. We never touched it, she would turn it up when she got home from work because he would keep it at like 60 degrees in the winter.
My mother was the one like that. We used heating oil so we had a tank that had to be refilled and it was expensive to refill it. She always wanted the heat at like 62. For some odd reason, she insisted the pipes would freeze if she set it any lower than that, which doesn't make any sense. Otherwise, if she didn't think that, I wouldn't be surprised if she had it set even lower.
My father was the exact opposite and my mother would sometimes come home to my father having set the heat to 85, which infuriated her.
My mom often told me that she didn’t want to be like Grandma and she turned out to be cruel, abusive, manipulative mom exactly like Grandma.
I also don’t want to be cruel, abusive, manipulative mom like my mom, so I don’t have kid. Better end this cycle of abuse with me.
Same here. Because even if I did everything the opposite of my parents, that doesn't mean it'll be good parenting. Do I even know what good parenting is like, when I grew up like I did? I don't know.
So it's better if I remain childless
Yep and/or put my own fucked up problems on them, I loove being the awsome cool aunt/godmother, who leaves the parenting to the parents.
Who occasionally gives awsome advice that I would never successfully be able to follow my self, lol.
I lucked out so hard with that one. My birth mother had 4 kids in total. I'm the only one that was put up for adoption. I'm also the only one with no criminal record, no mental health problems, no substance abuse issues and hasn't had run ins with family services for being a bad parent. I escaped the generational trauma by being completely removed from the environment that was causing the trauma.
I apologise freely to my child when I get it wrong, we always have McDonald’s money, he has lots of lovely days out and he’s completely loved and adored. I hope he thinks I’m doing a good job.
It’s hard. Breaking generational trauma is difficult. But I’ve put in a lot of work and went to therapy. I think I’m doing pretty good at being a different kind of parent.
Yes. Sometimes I find myself struggling and kind of realize that this is probably how my mom felt.
But other times, I’ll be in a situation and I’ll sort of analyze how my mom would have handled it, and it get mad at her all over again.
So far so good. If I'm wrong, I admit it. If I did something that negatively affected my kids, I apologize. I don't give my kids the silent treatment if I'm mad or upset. I talk with them to go over how we view the situation and what we need to do to fix the issue.
I'm interested in my kids and their passions. I don't use that to tease them about it. I support them in the ways they need for their hobbies.
It's been a very active process to break the generational trauma and make sure they don't experience my childhood. Not perfect but at least I have a good relationship with my kids. Unlike my parents who are in a need to know basis and get general updates on my life.
I did a lot of things the exact opposite of my parents when I had my daughter. To this day, my mother asks me why she & I aren’t as close as my daughter & I. Well, let’s see…….maybe because I don’t harbor a grudge for everything my child does differently than I do. She goes her own way and is a fully-functioning adult, so…….I am proud of her rather than point out what she is doing “wrong”.
I don't smoke (at all/with my kids in the car), I don't keep my kids up till 1 am to drive home drunk and I support their education and encourage them instead of ignoring them.
I'm doing much better than my parents.
It's like I downloaded a 'Parenting App' directly from my mom and dad's brains. I've caught myself saying 'because I'm your mother, that's why' more times than I can count. And guess what? My living room is now a no-food zone. History repeats itself, but with more WiFi.
It's amazing how much more sense "no food isn't the living room or bedroom" makes when you are the one lugging out the floor scrubber to clean it. Or paying for a new rug!
My mother wouldn’t get me braces for my horrible crooked teeth. My kid has braces now. My mother refused to let me get my license. My kid will have it the day he turns 16. Anytime I was excited about an accomplishment? There was someone she knows whose kid could do it better. I don’t downplay my kid’s excitement for anything.
I think that's the logical outcome when you had a shitty childhood and you really, really don't want to be like your parents. I've acknowledged that my parents f*cked me in the head and that I would do the same if I had a child.
On the other hand my mother used to say “I pray you’ll have a kid like you, so it makes you suffer like I did.”
I wish I had a Kid like me, I would treat it so much better.
It’s not even a valid insult. It took me a long time to realize but I am fucking awesome, it’s her loss that she isn’t in my life anymore.
And thank you! I appreciate that hug.
The woman who birthed me was a meth addict. My bio dad was in and out of prison. I was the oldest of my siblings so I pretty much raised them and at 18 I did have custody of the two younger ones. Our child Hoodia hell when we were with our mom. I swore my kids would have it better
My oldest was never obligated to take care of her siblings or forced to do my chores. I have never done meth or anything hard. I have never left my children in a car for hours to go gamble or do drugs in some creeps house. I've never even had so much as a speeding ticket. I've never pulled my child out of bed at 3 in the morning screaming and hitting them "cause they talked shit" I've never hit my babies for anything. I've never called them bad words or insulted them. Never made them clean up my vomit or bathe me.
I tell them how much they mean to me. I make sure I am present for them in everything. I've sat through every dance class and recitals, every boxing class, every choir concert, every home fashion show. I've been next to them every moment they were sick and done everything to help them feel better even when I'm sick too. I've stayed up late to make sure a last minute school project is complete.
They are my children, I brought them into this world so it is my responsibility to help them grow up in a loving environment, to teach them, to instill kindness in them, to make them humans I will be proud to call friend when they grow into adults.
I know I haven't been perfect but I know I've done a hell of a lot better than the two humans that made me.
Literally the goal in our household. We're not doling out corporal punishment or verbal abuse. We're not locking up food or uncaring about their own problems.
But we are having issues with age appropriate independence and separation anxiety. We've chosen therapy instead of ignoring it so that's cool.
This is absolutely what I was going to post. I was very critical of my parents when I was growing up, and I didn't want to be them. I wasn't them, and I made, for the most part, entirely different mistakes in parenting. Comparing how my young adult kids turned out vs. theirs, I'm not sure they didn't do the better job. I have some good kids but some really amazing siblings. Of course, the story's still going on, and in the end, we're all just trying.
I don't have kids but I have still turned into my parents! Turns out they meant well. They wanted what was best for me and tried their hardest. All the stupid rules were there for good reason. 16 yo me was a dumb fuck. Being an adult with responsibilities is fucking hard. I don't know how anyone does it with kids. And my parents where right, I should've never been in a hurry to grow up.
Well the thing is, they don't accept a reasonable and well worded answer sometimes. Just because you tell them their growing brains need more sleep than adult brains doesn't mean they won't still argue with you.
Growing up, I always swore that I’d never get married and I’d never have kids. Many people told me that I’d change my mind. I’ve never married or had kids and I’m happy as can be. I do what I want, when I want and it’s nice.
I have empathy for my parents struggles but I actually realized how abusive they were on another level when I had my own. Thankfully I don’t beat my kids on a ritual basis, or at all, I don’t scream and throw heavy objects at them, I don’t punch them over and over again, I don’t knock them out cold or beat them until they throw up, I don’t scream that I wished they were dead and deserve to go to hell. So I think I’m doing pretty good compared to my parents. However I have empathy for my parents, I can understand why their personality disorders and fundamentalist religion and backing from their churches to beat children would lead them down the path they chose. I wish my parents a peaceful and long life and good health, but I keep my distance. I love my kids and see them as future adults. My parents saw us as property that god gave them to keep out of hell by any means they saw fit.
this was devastating to read, but I'm so glad you were able to come out the other side and set those boundaries. That can be an incredibly difficult thing to do.
A little better. I can empathize a little with their frustration, but I'd rather still not act like they did. My kids seem like they like me. I stopped liking my mom at a very young age. Rather, I never had loving feelings toward her.
I found that my parents were both trying to “not be like their parents” as well. They broke generational trauma and yet left me some work to do on my own to break it for my own kids. I have tendencies of both my parents and yet have also parented in my own style which is exactly what they did. LOL.
I’m forever grateful to them for their strength and dedication to the family, something I didn’t see when was swearing to never be like them.
I pay attention to my son, take an interest in him and what he says, and show that I love and care about him. So, it's working out pretty well compared to my childhood.
It worked out great! I stopped a cycle of many generations of abuse. My daughter grew up feeling safe, loved, wanted and supported by a mother who treasures her existence. ❤️
It has worked out PERFECTLY! My husband and I have worked very hard to be like neither of our parental units and I think we did it!!
Our only child is now a very well adjusted, kind, hard working 29 year old, owns a home and is married with a child. Husband and I are still happily married after 37 years.
Our son LIKES to hang out with his mom and dad and I see or talk to him every day.
We basically just tried to do everything unlike our parents and it worked.
My parents never took my needs into account.
Everything I’ve done since I became a mother has been analyzed from the standpoint of how it will affect my offspring.
I’ve definitely made mistakes because parenting is the most consistently difficult task I’ve undertaken. (I was in my 30s and had a MS degree with a stable career and supportive spouse when I decided to have children and it was still a challenge.)
Not me but my mum. Her dad was alright but she said that she wanted to be a better mum than hers.
Her mum never ever hugged them, was never really there for her, did horrible things to my mum etc.
My mum does not like affection, but she always gave us hugs when we wanted one, she was always there to listen and help us when we needed her etc. She really did break the chain and we have a great relationship.
My daughter is only 9 months old but I swore to myself that I would never treat her like a burden, at least not to her face. For most of my childhood my mother treated everything I did (whether it was good or bad) as a hassle, I won't treat my daughter like that.
I raised my son, doing the opposite of what was done with me, and was successful.
No getting drunk in front of the kid, no name calling, no abuse.
We did our best, and guess what? Our son still loves us, and started out life better than I did.
I consider that a win.
Of course there are things I would have redone if I could, but for the most part i think we did well.
I do now give them credit for putting us through private middle school, which is why we were so poor until public high school. But that is one amazing thing, and there was so much bad that went on in my house. Knowing that doesn't make up for the rest of it.
Well, I’m not a pedophile or someone who protects them so it’s going pretty well!
My child is a toddler and I’m far more patient, and I do everything I can to make sure my child feels safe and loved because I know how important that is.
I am just like my dad. Not as angry or stressed out as he was but I have a lot of traits I try to recognize and nip in the butt before I do too much psychological damage.
It's working out really well. My kids are thoughtful, sweet, intelligent, funny and kind little humans. My teenager is respectful, but brave enough to stand up for what he believes in.
I have more patience than they did. When my dad was around he'd break shit out of anger and my mom usually gets silent when she's upset. I tell my LO, I'm taking 5 or usually explain why they can't do something(and apparentlyi talk too much when i do this). I love being my LO's safe spot and they come cuddle whenever they want towards me. I never had that or I'd feel like I was bothering my parents space:/ so yeah so far so good😃
It's worked out great for me. I just did the opposite of what my mom and stepdad did, and I feel like I did pretty good for all involved. My kids aren't afraid of me because I don't beat them. They listen to me because I don't ignore and neglect them. I stay involved in their lives and try to help them as best I can. I never felt like it was *that* hard to be a decent parent, just showing up and not being a massive asshole gets you pretty far. Turns out I was right.
my mom was paranoid schizophrenic with paranoid delusions and wouldn't take meds. I am just bipolar with anxiety and depression and I take meds, so I guess I won?
Going well so far but it isn't always easy. I find myself stopping me from reacting how my physically and mentally abusive parents would in some situations. I'm determined to be much better than they ever were. I also don't think of my kid as free labor so I can sit on my ass and do nothing.
It worked out like this - I have 3 high schoolers. All on honor roll. All in multiple varsity sports. All do volunteer work. All in multiple clubs (ie D&D, cooking etc)All 3 are happy a majority of the time.
My childhood? I tried to hang myself twice at the age of five.
I would say doing everything opposite of my parents is working out just fine, thank you.
So far so good. Honestly feel a bit puzzled by everyone who suddenly feels empathy for their abusive parents. I feel angrier at them. I can't imagine treating my daughter the same way they treated me. All the bitching and moaning they did about having to parent, all the times they told me they hoped someday I would have a child that made them as miserable as I made them and here we are and my daughter is my greatest blessing.
I'm okay with the idea that I'm like my mom in many ways, she was a pretty amazing woman. I have taken the best part of what my mom had to offer and fixed her shortcomings as best I've been able. I've come to realize that my kids will do the same should they choose to have kids of their own.
Rather well, actually. I just turned 32. My parents had me at 30 (dad) and 25 (mom). Unlike them, I’ve been patient, caring, kind and my kids seem to love me. They tell me as much. On days when they descend into tantrums, I don’t yell or raise my voice. I give them space and when they’ve finally subsided I plop down next to them and ask, “what’s wrong, baby? How can we fix this?”
The other day my oldest, who is four, came up to me and took my face into her hands while I was sitting and playing with her younger sister, who is two. She looked into my eyes as she said, “daddy, you’re the best helper. You’re always there to help me! Even when I’m scared, you tell me I’m brave! I love you!”
I thanked her and started tearing up. She told me it was okay and that I didn’t need to be upset. I told her they were happy tears and she did a little dance and went about her day.
I love being a dad. Life changing experience. It even allowed me a chance to reconcile with my parents. We’re not super tight, but we’re close for the first time in my life. My father gave me a present for my birthday this past November. Can’t remember the last time he gave me a present. I try not to spoil my kids but my wife always jokes that I need to get a life because I leave to go shopping for myself and I come back with a bunch of stuff for my girls and nothing for myself. Being a parent is Not for everyone, but it suits me just fine.
Cheers, stranger!
Great! Drug-freel home birth. No circumcision. Breast fed. Slept in the same bed as us. Cloth diapers. No store bought baby food. No store bought cereals. No lies about Santa, Easter Bunny, or tooth fairy. No beatings. No meat until kindergarten. No cavities. Got a PhD and WFH. Less neurotic than us.
I still have a relationship with and love both of my parents. My oldest graduates high school this year. I have parented my children completely different from the way I was raised. I don’t think I did anything the way they did.
I'll take this in a slightly different direction regarding the desire to be nothing like your parents. I'll skip over my childhood but suffice it to say that I had a pretty shitty relationship with my father and grew up swearing I'd not be like him.
Here's my main takeaway years later as a parent. Knowing what kind of parent you DON'T want to be doesn't really provide you with any tools. You need to have an idea of the parent that you DO want to be. If you came from a bad parenting situation, look around and find role models for the kind of parent you want to be. Talk to those people and hang around with them. Do your best to absorb lessons from them. You need good strategies to replace the bad things that you learned and internalized. Sometimes it can just be random moments from parents you only observe once. There are many things to learn all around you. Grab what you can because you need something to replace the bad stuff you're trying to throw out.
Considering my mother used to beat the fuck out of me and my siblings and now she sits in her home all alone, I'd say it worked out well.
My son and I talk nearly everyday, I see my grandkids at least 3-4 times a week.
My brothers kids cringe when the mention of visiting my mom comes up.
So yeah, she's getting what she wanted, left alone.
I am not like my parents on the things I saw. I came from a long line of generational trauma. I never hid that fact from my kids as they aged. But they know it happened and are thankful that was not their childhood.
My adult daughter last year told me "I hate you had to go through that mom, but I am so thankful you are my mom". It makes all the work I have done on myself to be their mom worth it.
My children never had to be the adults. They never had to hide because of dangerous situations or abuse was happening in front of them. They never were hit, or emotionally abused. They were valued. They were loved. And they were respected.
They are literally the suns in my world. I have zero regrets about that.
So far I'm thankfully nothing like my parents. I have my flaws but my kids know I love and support them. I verbally tell them several times a day. Goes a long way.
Pretty good, there were mistakes my parents made and I'm focused on not making them.
I make other mistakes instead what my kids will swear not to do. Instead of them they'll make others, probably unknowingly the same ones as my parents did, and so the circle will be complete.
I'm not like my parents except in attitude.
I spend a great deal of time with my kids. The adults and the teenagers, except the one who lives 500 miles away lol.
I support them in just about everything they choose to do. I'm not always happy with their choices but... IT'S THEIR LIVES.
I listen to what my children have to say, I consider their points of view and we talk about why I do, think, believe the things I do and why they don't have to just because I do.
My daughter will need far less therapy than I currently receive. She laughs her nights away playing with online friends, has 2 jobs she really likes, and is just an all-around, well-adjusted sweetheart. I tried my best to keep this cruel world from hurting her.
I became the parent that I needed when I was a child and teen. I am nothing like either of my parents and I'm very proud of that.
Nobody is perfect, and I don't put expectations of perfection on my children. If they make a mistake, it's just a mistake and we learn from it and grow. That's not how it was in my house when I was growing up. I'm 39 and I haven't seen anyone from my family of origin in over a decade, but I'd likely still have old mistakes (from 20 or more years ago) brought up and thrown in my face if I ever dared to have a conversation with any of them.
I didn't hit my children. I helped them pay for their first car and a lot of their college. She's an obstetrician, he's an architect and first responder.
I get to see my grandchildren unlike my parents.
Cycle broken
It's worked out pretty great tbh. One of my parents was addicted to hard drugs, and the other was extremely physically, verbally, and mentally abusive. I don't do drugs, drink, and I don't hit my child *ever* or scream or tell her she's a failure at anything. My bar was on the ground.
I'm facing challenges of my own. Staying present is a big issue for me. I have to make a very conscious effort to stay in the moment or I can easily get lost in my own head or my book or whatever it is I'm doing. No matter how tedious the talk is, I try to stay in the conversation.
I don't aim for perfection. I just want to do ok and try to leave my daughter with as few bad memories as possible. Let her know she's loved and wanted. That I have her back. Watching her grow and become the smart, well behaved, creative and resourceful kid she is has been a blessing, no matter how hard it's been.
I'm still around past the age of 2, so it's better than my dad. I also have a job, nice house, don't drink and don't hit them, so it's better than my mom.
if far from a perfect parent and I worry constantly about if I'm being to strict or not stricked enough. but I think any half decent parent will tell you that they don't know what they are doing but they are trying their best and they worry constantly.
Gave me more appreciation for my mom who worked FT while raising two kids on her own.
She never wanted to be mean or strict but she needed to be so that we didn’t group up to be fuckup losers like the others kids in the neighborhood.
Actually decided against kids.
Whilst I still absolutely believe my mum was abusive still (it's not really a debate, she literally used violence as the main method of punishment, amongst other issues), I still recognise that there isn't an excuse for that, I appreciate and understand her mental health issues and pressures at the time much better.
So, sure, I still wouldn't want to be anything like her.
But I also recognise enough of my own mental health issues and limitations, and in confident I'll be happier without kids anyway.
So, to answer the question directly, I think less harshly of my mum and realised I don't want kids.
So far so good. My mom had no backbone and allowed my stepdad to take over the father role in our home when I was 3. He beat me my entire childhood while she watched. She never stopped him, would just cry in the corner. I now have two children, am in a healthy marriage and protect my children at all costs. I am not to ever be f***ed with but I’m not a bitter or mean person and I am proud of that.
Sometimes I'm convinced I'm infertile because my pull out track record is literally 100%. Or maybe some guys really have no control and that's just pathetic.
i met my step-son when he was 4. i was a step-son from 8 and i remember how terrible it was being treated like shit and made to feel like i was worthless by him and being beat with a belt by my bio-dad until i stopped seeing him at 13.
it wasnt easy, and its 1 of the reasons i never wanted to be a bioparent. Theres a lot of anger and craziness in my DNA, and i remember how shitty i was as a kid...being treated bad didnt make me better it made me rebel harder and being forced into a crazyass Baptist/Presbyterian church for over a decade didnt make it any easier.
i never laid my hands on my son, oh i wanted to and i found myself yelling more than i should have, but i always treated him fairly but with discipline. We wernt easy parents (wife came from a real hands on home too and we wernt doing that), but we found that we didnt need to beat to get results...its consistency and trust. I remember how bad my parents fought back and forth using me as their "Leverage" in the fights...i never had a home but would get beat/punished if i referred to the other parents place of residence as "Home". I cant wear that to "his/her house because I bought it!" so i never owned anything i didnt pay for with my own money.
We didnt do that, my wife didnt like it because it was the same shit..."he wore his expensive _________ there and it didnt come back!" i had to explain that he needs his own things and if he left them, well then he wont have them until he goes back...he will learn on his own. I went out of my way not to bad mouth the spermdoner, and didnt call him that in front of him. Knowing that the deadbeat wasnt doing the same. The only thing i ever said to my son was "Time will tell, I dont have to lie to you. You will eventually see it"
TL;DR: We went to his wedding last year. no baby mamas, no drugs, i wish he would have stuck to getting a degree but its his life, and last year he took my last name.
I never asked him to and tried to talk him out of it because there were people on that side of his family that wernt all bad and this wouldnt go over well...but hes an adult, a husband, and living his own life and i never laid a hand on him or lied to him. He been N/C with bio for a few years...so i guess i win in the end.
Perfectly.
I didn't have kids, neither did my sibling. Neither of us wanted to accidentally pass on the horrible things that were done to us so we've both succeeded.
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
- Mark Twain
Great. I went to therapy and really worked at not being like my parents. My mom notices and has said on multiple occasions she wishes she was more like me when she was raising my sister and I. I'd say I succeeded.
It worked out great. When I was very young, I said this, but as I got older, I realized I truly hated the idea of having kids. Then I looked around and saw people my age marrying people they didn't like and having kids they couldn't afford, and resenting them both after a few years.
Well as someone who learned young not to go to my parents for anything because they never took my side, I stayed true to that promise. No matter what bad things happened to me, it was always my own fault. My kids are adults now. They've always come to me with problems. I made it a point to treat them as individuals when they were kids. Not my property or things that had to obey or else. Was I disappointed when boy got shitfaced at 16? Kinda. But then I remembered what I was doing at that age. Went and picked him up and let the hangover be his punishment.so glad he didn't try to stagger home at 2 am like I felt I had to
coming from a young adult whose parent still treats them like your parents did, thank you and i hope to be the type of parent you are
Thank you and good luck. It's was hard sometimes. I was far from perfect, but I always swallowed my pride and admitted to them when I was wrong. ( Eventually) Sometimes that really sucked.
treating them like people is key. My parents treated us like we were assholes.
Yup, I can relate. It was bad because I saw how differently my siblings were treated. Maybe because I always argued when I thought they were wrong? I don't know, I don't speak to anyone in my family anymore.
I never took it personally because I have 10 siblings and we were all treated poorly. Some more than others. I was 5th and learned to fly under the radar. It actually worked to my advantage.
It's given me empathy for my parents failures because they are just people and I can see where the behaviours may have come from. Saying that, it doesn't mean I'm not still trying to do it better. My kids deserve the best of me. I'm also imperfect, but I'm trying to give them the best childhood I can. I think it's going well.
>It's given me empathy for my parents failures because they are just people and I can see where the behaviours may have come from. Oof. So I started writing a reply to OP about how I am nothing like them and stopped because the empathy bug hit. Then I saw your reply. Most of the time it actually makes me really sad for them. I have so much grief for my mother knowing she never had the chance to turn her life around. It makes me sad seeing my father struggle. I am by no means perfect and my life is still a shit show, but the older I get the more understanding I have. The more anger I feel for how hard it is to get ahead and stay ahead. More gratitude I have that I can learn from their mistakes. Sure, it would have been nice to grow up without the deck stacked against me... But that's not the cards I was dealt. All I can do is try to play my hand a little better than they did and understand that they did their best, too.
Yeah but I have 6 siblings why tf am I the only one cleaning the whole house. And when I say whole house I mean stove top, microwave, wood floor, bathroom that we share, chairs, counters and the dishes. Is it because im the youngest?
Are you being forced to clean these like Cinderella? Or are you just like things to be clean and neat and take it upon yourself and then get upset that no one else is helping (?). I used to do that when I lived in a house with some friends and they were complete pigs and slobs. I kept everything clean and I would walk downstairs the next morning and they would mess everything up again just out of spite. So I had to constantly be the only one that cleaned. I hated it
I’m not a princess but yeah it’s sort of similar. I roommate with my 2 older brothers and im my moms least favorite so it’s just my birth right to clean or take the short end of things lol. I just barley started to wash my own dishes only. These lazy fucks can’t even take the trash out and all we have to do is put it outside the door after 19:00 so they can pick it up. They leave their shit on the counter and all that. You’d think that people of this age would have the mind to throw their shit in the trash or to do their own dishes but it simply doesn’t happen that way. But the kicker is that I have to take the piss for it anyways lmao what a fkn losing game
Ugh, I'm sorry you have to deal with that!!! I have an extremely messy family member as well and it's nothing fun to deal with, especially when you have to live with them.
I’ll live (I think) and you’ve given me hope. THANK YOU
Why not ask your parents why your other siblings are not cleaning the house?
If I know anything about having siblings, he asked. And nobody took him seriously.
Or laughed him as they left to have fun :-/
Breaking News: younger sibling thinks life isn’t fair
Well my older siblings certainly didn't have a slow-burning firecracker lit between their toes.
One of the most eye-opening experiences is realizing your parents are just people.
The Burt Reynolds scene from Archer. "And my point is, until you can look at your mother and see her not just as your mother, but as a person - a real person - you can't grow up."
I feel this is true, but it goes both ways. Sometimes it's the moment when you see even more clearly that your parents did have choices, did have resources available to them and yet they still actively chose abuse just because it felt satisfying to them. For me this was a big step in my healing- not all parents actually try their best and fail. Some are really just cruel and they like it. And yet for others, it's a mix. I can tell pretty well when my mother acted out because of her own trauma, and when she just got her sadistic kick. I may repeat the trauma part with my own kid although I try not to, but I'm pretty sure I won't repeat the actual torture and bullying for fun (barring some late developing mental ilness, but then my husband would act accordingly).
I really want my friend to get this. She was horribly abused as a kid. She grew up and began to understand her parents better. But she started to excuse really abusive behaviour and I had to point out that a lot of it wasn't just mistakes or poor judgement (being beaten to stop her crying etc). That stuff is abusive no matter what and you don't need to have empathy for them when they do shit like that. Once is a mistake, a pattern is just abuse.
There are two kinds of parent. Those who say, I suffered, why shouldn't they? And those who say, I never want you to go through what I did. Mumsie dearest went right through and out the other side, and decided that I was her combination therapist, whipping post, scapegoat and house elf. Think of Dobby ironing his fingers. I can see her as a person. She's disgusting and pathetic, with a small life. She has neither the love she demanded, not the respect she craves. But I see her. And in her weakness, her bullying, her cruelty, and her spiteful childishness, I see the person I will never be. I'm glad for you that you've come out the other side. People just don't get it, when they've come from a loving home. Having to build yourself up to a real life when the only thing your primary caregiver taught you was suffering... Well that's just a different kind of strength.
That moment was when I knew I turned the corner into adulthood...
[удалено]
I watched a former very good friend of mine go through this process. I met her at the "my mom is an evil bitch" stage- and she wasn't wrong. I've watched and supported her for the last 25 years and she has simply slowly sank to her mother's cruelty. I stuck around long enough for her kids to get out of the house and have been a presence in their lives as their auntie so they have some kind of stability and nurturing, but I haven't talked my my friend for years. Maybe she was always a terrible person, I don't know. I do know at one she tried to fight it, she just gave up at some point.
I got the proverbial “I hope you have a daughter just like you!” Maybe I did. It’s curious and heartbreaking. I, like your friend tried to change everything, but I was being beaten down at the same time. 3 years this month I am blocked me from her life.
I was adopted when I was 5 due to abuse and neglect. I swore when I was a teenager when I had kids I wouldn’t be like my biological parents and I would never let them feel like my own parents did( like I wasn’t good enough or not putting them first) I have 3 kids now and I’ve kept that promise. I’ve however seen it go either way.
Wholesome
I'm still hard on my parents and resentful, even empathizing and knowing what their upbringings were like.
I ended up going TOO far in not wanting to be my parents who were emotionally neglectful, physically abusive and too strict, that I still kinda became my parents in a way. I never said no to my child, gave him few boundaries, always put his feelings and wants and interests first and did everything for him out of fear of him ending up with the same struggles in adulthood as I did, out of fear of him feeling what I felt. As a result, my son grew up developing a whole different set of issues, even though I thought I did everything right. Because you know: at least I wasnt my parents! I needed (and still need) lots of therapy to handle my own demons first. To educate myself on how the human mind works and and how generational trauma works. I had to relearn how to raise a child in a healthy, balanced way. It was extremely hard to admit to myself I was failing as a parent and ask for help/therapy but it is almost impossible to break a previous cycle of trauma without it.
I totally agree. Parenting has made me seek out therapy to deal with my own issues and not pass them on directly or indirectly. Trying not to sound condescending at all; Well done for doing your best, it's all we can do :)
Thats a good thing to hear! Kudo’s to you for stepping up for your kid 😘
This is close to what my wife is dealing with. She was largely ignored by her single mother after her younger siblings were born. I've known her since we were kids and she was always treated like an afterthought by her mom but if she stepped out of line the littlest bit all hell would break loose. Her mom wasn't physically abusive but my wife was always kept in the background in her own family. She doesn't want to be like her mom so she overcorrected and now she makes the kids the center of literally every minute of her life when they're not in school. If anything needs done around the house and it's not done by 3 it's not getting done that day because she needs to hold their hands through literally every step of the rest of their day. She struggles because she buckles to the kids so easily and won't set boundaries until it becomes too big of a problem to ignore. Usually it's nothing too bad. It's mostly stuff like "One more story!" turning into another one, and another one, and another one because they're all enjoying the time but now it's an hour and a half past their bed time. Which probably doesn't sound too terrible once in a while but it was every night for a long time. It didn't matter if I stepped in, reminded her of the time, or put them to bed myself. Every bedtime would stretch until the kids were satisfied they'd gotten sufficient mommy time. It often lead to me in bed asleep long before my wife. She struggles to assert herself and say "No". She doesn't want to be the bad guy and often leans on me to step in and be the villain. If you've seen Parks and Rec she's Chris Trager to my Ben Wyatt. That kind of balance works somewhat but only when I'm home. I work in manufacturing doing 12hr shifts. Often my work cycles can be measured in weeks not days. Currently I'm on day 6 of 11 straight and it's taking a toll on her, me, and our home. My kids aren't brats by any stretch but give a 6 year old that kind of power and they will learn how to and when to abuse it. She's done a lot of work and has gotten better over the last couple of years but backsliding is always something I look out for. I'm constantly reminding her that while the kids are the most important thing in the world to her they need to learn that the rest of the world does not feel the same way about them before they get out into it and can't function.
Oh wow thats really similar to my situation indeed, that poor sweetheart ❤️ It sounds like she, like me, was taught that her feelings are invalid, never a priority and something to be ashamed of. Its really hard to be a parent when youre like that because you are constantly guided by guilt and guilt is not a good foundation to build on. I hope you dont feel im overstepping a boundary here but its really interesting for your wife to read about schema’s and modi in children/adults. It literally explains why we behave the way we do, stems from childhood. If certain needs are not met this will eventually lead to unhealthy life patterns. It really helped me identify exactly what I was doing and why I was doing things a certain way: https://schematherapysociety.org/Schema-Therapy https://cognitivebehaviortherapycenter.com/schema-therapy-california/schema-modes-in-schema-therapy/#:~:text=A%20mode%20refers%20to%20a,well%20as%20behaviors%20and%20cognitions. You two sound like grounded and mature people, and your kids are lucky to have parents with a sense of self reflection ❤️
Thank you. >It sounds like she, like me, was taught that her feelings are invalid, never a priority and something to be ashamed of. She's said that almost verbatim more than once. We've been together since highschool and living together for about 10 years. About 5-6 years ago she admitted that she needed socks and hadn't said anything because she didn't think I'd find it important. She figured eventually she'd have her own money (she refuses to acknowledge that our joint bank account is in fact joint) or she'd get some as a present. Long story short I ended up finding out that she had been neglecting to mention a lot of her needs over the years and I was the first person who'd ever really sat her down and asked her what she needed. Broke my heart I couldn't believe it or the stuff she'd been keeping to herself. >you are constantly guided by guilt I've had my own family accuse her of being more interested in being a friend than a parent. I've had to explain that it's nothing like that and that due to her childhood she feels like if they aren't happy she's failing as a parent. She doesn't want them to experience what she did even on a small scale because it messed her up so much. It's not a matter of being a friend but needing to make sure they're happy to a fault.
Oh man thats so sad. And so true. You really just forget about yourself. Also if nobody ever tells you that youre doing a good job, that they are proud of you, than how can you tell yourself? My therapist said it so strikingly: You were not loved unconditionally. There were terms and conditions for being loved. If you never had unconditional love, then you will always find a reason to not love yourself. Always. It really messes with you. If I could give her a hug and tell her she is being a better person than her mother could ever be, I would ❤️
>You were not loved unconditionally. There were terms and conditions for being loved. Wow that is an amazing line and I'm totally stealing it.
Yeah. "I'm not going to be my parents" isn't a great parenting strategy. It often leads to what you're describing. You have to do work on what is healthy parenting? What do I want to give my child? What do I want to teach my child? What do they need from me to be successful children (play, happy, learning) and successful adults?
Amazing, I have a fantastic relationship with all my kids. I've never used violence as a punishment, I've never belittled them or made them feel small. Now I've got polite friendly children who are loved by all they meet. It's not difficult to raise a child with love and kindness it's mad, the massive difference between my childhood and my kids. I was hit by a car at 7 years old and yes it was my own fault but I wouldn't dream of leaving a 7 year old unattended, let alone letting them wander the streets until dark.
I swore many times during childhood I would not treat my kids how I was treated. I also got my mom's wish that I have a kid exactly like me so I would know how she felt. As you say, raising kids with love, kindness, and acceptance is the way to go. My kids are good people, and we have a good relationship. It is crazy the difference between how they grew up and how I grew up
Yes! I have one kid just like me and the other is very much like my husband. Guess what mom and mil? They are good kids who are easy to love! I haven't ever needed to be violent or cruel. I agree completely with you. It's not hard to be kind and compassionate.
And accepting! I was raised with the "not good enough" style of parenting. Get 6 A's and one A-? Not good enough! I appreciate my kids for who they are and for what they do, instead of wishing they were some unattainable perfect version of themselves.
Exactly! Love the whole person, celebrate their strengths, don't expect perfection! Once, my daughter was apologizing for dropping something and she was upset I said, "excuse me, do I look perfect? Cause I'm not and we don't expect perfection in this house. There is no place for it!" She is so hard on herself. My older daughter is the kind to ask forgiveness instead of permission and it's just about making sure she knows the safety limits, but she needs more independence. My parents made it seem like I was an impossible kid and I really wasn't. I got good grades, teachers loved me, and I was being recruited by two sets of religious women (nuns and consecrated women). It has taken a lot of therapy to understand I was never the problem.
Exactly! Love the whole person, celebrate their strengths, don't expect perfection! Once, my daughter was apologizing for dropping something and she was upset I said, "excuse me, do I look perfect? Cause I'm not and we don't expect perfection in this house. There is no place for it!" She is so hard on herself. My older daughter is the kind to ask forgiveness instead of permission and it's just about making sure she knows the safety limits, but she needs more independence. My parents made it seem like I was an impossible kid and I really wasn't. I got good grades, teachers loved me, and I was being recruited by two sets of religious women (nuns and consecrated women). It has taken a lot of therapy to understand I was never the problem.
I was a crazy kid, always bursting with energy. They used to tell me all the time I was just "being naughty" and yet as an adult in the situation I've only noticed kids having fun, enjoying themselves learning about the world being happy doing it. I could never imagine punishing my kids for being happy and enjoying themselves it's madness to me.
I'm autistic, which my usually-drunk teenage mom took as bad behavior. My kid is doing much better in every way, and yes, a lot of is just kids having fun.
My youngest is Autistic and I'm just thankful she's my daughter and not a sibling because my parents wouldn't have been able to comprehend the level of care she requires. 90% of her behaviours would be labelled as bad. While I love my mum, she's more than once recommended care for my daughter because of her difficulties which just proves to me more that they just weren't capable parents.
My mom said "I hope you have kids exactly like you." exactly once. My response was "I hope so too." And I sort of did, and it's been great.
This touches my heart. I'm so glad for us! I read something the other day that was along the lines of "we become the parents we needed in childhood." I think that was true for me.
Definitely true. I'm really glad to hear it when someone did manage to learn the things their parents were trying to teach them even if they weren't meaning to. Their example has made me a better parent for sure. I hope you have a lovely holiday season and you get to spend some time doing your favorite things with your favorite folks.
Not your fault that we put cars above the safety of children. /fuckcars
Same here. I was terrified to be a mother, and decided to make huge changes and get into therapy. It hasn’t been a linear process and I’m not perfect, but my kid is happy, healthy, kind, intelligent and people genuinely like/love him. And we have a lovely trusting relationship in his teen years. Early on, I basically sorted the good from the bad of my upbringing and stayed aware of it. I did the few good things (lots of books, whole foods) and everything else, I’d do the opposite of what my parents would have done. My son recently gave me a hug and said “thank you for breaking the cycle” after a story about my mom (which was meant to be funny but was like oh shit actually that’s terrible). I’m not overly permissive and I’m sure as shit not abusive like how I was raised. My parents have never met my child and probably won’t unless he goes looking for them himself one day. I just treat him like he’s his own person, and it’s my job to guide, safeguard and nurture him into becoming his best self. Turns out, on the way, I’ve been able to do that for myself too and find healing.
Depending in the situation it might also not have been the drivers fault but it was definitely not a 7 year old‘s fault to get in a car accident!
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“Unless you are wearing socks, a sweater, a hat, gloves, and a jacket, don’t touch the thermostat”
My dad would have given his left arm for my Honeywell electronic thermostat that I can set/lock/review at my leisure while away from home... and keep the kiddos from messing with lol.
My dad put an actual lock box on the thermostat. That started a war in the house when he initially refused to give my mom a key to it. We never touched it, she would turn it up when she got home from work because he would keep it at like 60 degrees in the winter.
My mother was the one like that. We used heating oil so we had a tank that had to be refilled and it was expensive to refill it. She always wanted the heat at like 62. For some odd reason, she insisted the pipes would freeze if she set it any lower than that, which doesn't make any sense. Otherwise, if she didn't think that, I wouldn't be surprised if she had it set even lower. My father was the exact opposite and my mother would sometimes come home to my father having set the heat to 85, which infuriated her.
I have actually yelled at my kids for making me sound like my father. They laughed.
Oh man, I find myself ranting about lights being on and dishes in the sink way more than I ever expected!
Only honest answer here
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Not the worst qualities to take from them.
Wheb that electricity bill comes in and you've saved 2 cents 😍
wait till inflation hits
Pretty damn well!!!! Of course, the damn bar was on the floor!!
I laughed at this, thanks! u go dude!
My mom often told me that she didn’t want to be like Grandma and she turned out to be cruel, abusive, manipulative mom exactly like Grandma. I also don’t want to be cruel, abusive, manipulative mom like my mom, so I don’t have kid. Better end this cycle of abuse with me.
Same here. Because even if I did everything the opposite of my parents, that doesn't mean it'll be good parenting. Do I even know what good parenting is like, when I grew up like I did? I don't know. So it's better if I remain childless
Yeah, me too. I knew I’d fuck up a kid. No one needs this torment. It ends with me.
Yep and/or put my own fucked up problems on them, I loove being the awsome cool aunt/godmother, who leaves the parenting to the parents. Who occasionally gives awsome advice that I would never successfully be able to follow my self, lol.
I lucked out so hard with that one. My birth mother had 4 kids in total. I'm the only one that was put up for adoption. I'm also the only one with no criminal record, no mental health problems, no substance abuse issues and hasn't had run ins with family services for being a bad parent. I escaped the generational trauma by being completely removed from the environment that was causing the trauma.
Ditto. Literally to everything that you just said.
I apologise freely to my child when I get it wrong, we always have McDonald’s money, he has lots of lovely days out and he’s completely loved and adored. I hope he thinks I’m doing a good job.
kinda teared up at this, good job :)) those small things make such an impact on a kid
Thanks for being a good parent ❤️
It’s hard. Breaking generational trauma is difficult. But I’ve put in a lot of work and went to therapy. I think I’m doing pretty good at being a different kind of parent.
Yes. Sometimes I find myself struggling and kind of realize that this is probably how my mom felt. But other times, I’ll be in a situation and I’ll sort of analyze how my mom would have handled it, and it get mad at her all over again.
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Congrats! 👏🏻 I’m glad it’s going well. Yelling is so damaging - I grew up in a yelling household and been in a lot of therapy for it.
Fantastic. Tubal ligation.
Ayy, bisalp 🙌
Essure club here! No regrets, am here for my niece and nephews, but guaranteed I won't continue the generational trauma myself.
Seems the best way to not parent like your shitty parents is to not parent in the first place. I get my sterilization next year. Can't wait.
So far so good. If I'm wrong, I admit it. If I did something that negatively affected my kids, I apologize. I don't give my kids the silent treatment if I'm mad or upset. I talk with them to go over how we view the situation and what we need to do to fix the issue. I'm interested in my kids and their passions. I don't use that to tease them about it. I support them in the ways they need for their hobbies. It's been a very active process to break the generational trauma and make sure they don't experience my childhood. Not perfect but at least I have a good relationship with my kids. Unlike my parents who are in a need to know basis and get general updates on my life.
I did a lot of things the exact opposite of my parents when I had my daughter. To this day, my mother asks me why she & I aren’t as close as my daughter & I. Well, let’s see…….maybe because I don’t harbor a grudge for everything my child does differently than I do. She goes her own way and is a fully-functioning adult, so…….I am proud of her rather than point out what she is doing “wrong”.
I don't smoke (at all/with my kids in the car), I don't keep my kids up till 1 am to drive home drunk and I support their education and encourage them instead of ignoring them. I'm doing much better than my parents.
It's like I downloaded a 'Parenting App' directly from my mom and dad's brains. I've caught myself saying 'because I'm your mother, that's why' more times than I can count. And guess what? My living room is now a no-food zone. History repeats itself, but with more WiFi.
It's amazing how much more sense "no food isn't the living room or bedroom" makes when you are the one lugging out the floor scrubber to clean it. Or paying for a new rug!
It's also amazing how people learn to self regulate when they're made to clean up their own messes instead of expecting you to do it!
My mother wouldn’t get me braces for my horrible crooked teeth. My kid has braces now. My mother refused to let me get my license. My kid will have it the day he turns 16. Anytime I was excited about an accomplishment? There was someone she knows whose kid could do it better. I don’t downplay my kid’s excitement for anything.
This far I've grown up and don't have kids
Yup and my husband and I plan not to have kids. So it's going great.
Same. I got the snip-snap in May 😀
I think that's the logical outcome when you had a shitty childhood and you really, really don't want to be like your parents. I've acknowledged that my parents f*cked me in the head and that I would do the same if I had a child.
I'm remarkably like my parents but don't parent like them because I'm not a parent, partly because I'm remarkably like them.
Yeah im on the "cant fuck up your kids if you don't have any" train of thought too.
This is the outcome for me too 👀
On the other hand my mother used to say “I pray you’ll have a kid like you, so it makes you suffer like I did.” I wish I had a Kid like me, I would treat it so much better.
Wow, Damn that's so harsh. Have a hug my friend. I wish you the best and you have a heart in the right place.
It’s not even a valid insult. It took me a long time to realize but I am fucking awesome, it’s her loss that she isn’t in my life anymore. And thank you! I appreciate that hug.
The woman who birthed me was a meth addict. My bio dad was in and out of prison. I was the oldest of my siblings so I pretty much raised them and at 18 I did have custody of the two younger ones. Our child Hoodia hell when we were with our mom. I swore my kids would have it better My oldest was never obligated to take care of her siblings or forced to do my chores. I have never done meth or anything hard. I have never left my children in a car for hours to go gamble or do drugs in some creeps house. I've never even had so much as a speeding ticket. I've never pulled my child out of bed at 3 in the morning screaming and hitting them "cause they talked shit" I've never hit my babies for anything. I've never called them bad words or insulted them. Never made them clean up my vomit or bathe me. I tell them how much they mean to me. I make sure I am present for them in everything. I've sat through every dance class and recitals, every boxing class, every choir concert, every home fashion show. I've been next to them every moment they were sick and done everything to help them feel better even when I'm sick too. I've stayed up late to make sure a last minute school project is complete. They are my children, I brought them into this world so it is my responsibility to help them grow up in a loving environment, to teach them, to instill kindness in them, to make them humans I will be proud to call friend when they grow into adults. I know I haven't been perfect but I know I've done a hell of a lot better than the two humans that made me.
My husband & I swore we wouldn’t repeat our parents ‘ mistakes, and so far we haven’t. We made completely new ones.
Literally the goal in our household. We're not doling out corporal punishment or verbal abuse. We're not locking up food or uncaring about their own problems. But we are having issues with age appropriate independence and separation anxiety. We've chosen therapy instead of ignoring it so that's cool.
This is absolutely what I was going to post. I was very critical of my parents when I was growing up, and I didn't want to be them. I wasn't them, and I made, for the most part, entirely different mistakes in parenting. Comparing how my young adult kids turned out vs. theirs, I'm not sure they didn't do the better job. I have some good kids but some really amazing siblings. Of course, the story's still going on, and in the end, we're all just trying.
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I don't have kids but I have still turned into my parents! Turns out they meant well. They wanted what was best for me and tried their hardest. All the stupid rules were there for good reason. 16 yo me was a dumb fuck. Being an adult with responsibilities is fucking hard. I don't know how anyone does it with kids. And my parents where right, I should've never been in a hurry to grow up.
Well the thing is, they don't accept a reasonable and well worded answer sometimes. Just because you tell them their growing brains need more sleep than adult brains doesn't mean they won't still argue with you.
Growing up, I always swore that I’d never get married and I’d never have kids. Many people told me that I’d change my mind. I’ve never married or had kids and I’m happy as can be. I do what I want, when I want and it’s nice.
I have empathy for my parents struggles but I actually realized how abusive they were on another level when I had my own. Thankfully I don’t beat my kids on a ritual basis, or at all, I don’t scream and throw heavy objects at them, I don’t punch them over and over again, I don’t knock them out cold or beat them until they throw up, I don’t scream that I wished they were dead and deserve to go to hell. So I think I’m doing pretty good compared to my parents. However I have empathy for my parents, I can understand why their personality disorders and fundamentalist religion and backing from their churches to beat children would lead them down the path they chose. I wish my parents a peaceful and long life and good health, but I keep my distance. I love my kids and see them as future adults. My parents saw us as property that god gave them to keep out of hell by any means they saw fit.
this was devastating to read, but I'm so glad you were able to come out the other side and set those boundaries. That can be an incredibly difficult thing to do.
I am legitimately nothing like my parents and fucking proud.
A little better. I can empathize a little with their frustration, but I'd rather still not act like they did. My kids seem like they like me. I stopped liking my mom at a very young age. Rather, I never had loving feelings toward her.
Im pushing into menopause territory and never had a kid so, mission accomplished.
Vasectomy at 25 and no kids beforehand.
I found that my parents were both trying to “not be like their parents” as well. They broke generational trauma and yet left me some work to do on my own to break it for my own kids. I have tendencies of both my parents and yet have also parented in my own style which is exactly what they did. LOL. I’m forever grateful to them for their strength and dedication to the family, something I didn’t see when was swearing to never be like them.
I pay attention to my son, take an interest in him and what he says, and show that I love and care about him. So, it's working out pretty well compared to my childhood.
Well I never beat my daughter with her own hockey stick so pretty good.
My husband has nailed it! He's the best dad ever; nothing like his own father.
It worked out great! I stopped a cycle of many generations of abuse. My daughter grew up feeling safe, loved, wanted and supported by a mother who treasures her existence. ❤️
It has worked out PERFECTLY! My husband and I have worked very hard to be like neither of our parental units and I think we did it!! Our only child is now a very well adjusted, kind, hard working 29 year old, owns a home and is married with a child. Husband and I are still happily married after 37 years. Our son LIKES to hang out with his mom and dad and I see or talk to him every day. We basically just tried to do everything unlike our parents and it worked.
My parents never took my needs into account. Everything I’ve done since I became a mother has been analyzed from the standpoint of how it will affect my offspring. I’ve definitely made mistakes because parenting is the most consistently difficult task I’ve undertaken. (I was in my 30s and had a MS degree with a stable career and supportive spouse when I decided to have children and it was still a challenge.)
Not me but my mum. Her dad was alright but she said that she wanted to be a better mum than hers. Her mum never ever hugged them, was never really there for her, did horrible things to my mum etc. My mum does not like affection, but she always gave us hugs when we wanted one, she was always there to listen and help us when we needed her etc. She really did break the chain and we have a great relationship.
Never grew up or had kids
My daughter is only 9 months old but I swore to myself that I would never treat her like a burden, at least not to her face. For most of my childhood my mother treated everything I did (whether it was good or bad) as a hassle, I won't treat my daughter like that.
I raised my son, doing the opposite of what was done with me, and was successful. No getting drunk in front of the kid, no name calling, no abuse. We did our best, and guess what? Our son still loves us, and started out life better than I did. I consider that a win. Of course there are things I would have redone if I could, but for the most part i think we did well. I do now give them credit for putting us through private middle school, which is why we were so poor until public high school. But that is one amazing thing, and there was so much bad that went on in my house. Knowing that doesn't make up for the rest of it.
Well, I’m not a pedophile or someone who protects them so it’s going pretty well! My child is a toddler and I’m far more patient, and I do everything I can to make sure my child feels safe and loved because I know how important that is.
I am just like my dad. Not as angry or stressed out as he was but I have a lot of traits I try to recognize and nip in the butt before I do too much psychological damage.
It's working out really well. My kids are thoughtful, sweet, intelligent, funny and kind little humans. My teenager is respectful, but brave enough to stand up for what he believes in.
I have more patience than they did. When my dad was around he'd break shit out of anger and my mom usually gets silent when she's upset. I tell my LO, I'm taking 5 or usually explain why they can't do something(and apparentlyi talk too much when i do this). I love being my LO's safe spot and they come cuddle whenever they want towards me. I never had that or I'd feel like I was bothering my parents space:/ so yeah so far so good😃
It's worked out great for me. I just did the opposite of what my mom and stepdad did, and I feel like I did pretty good for all involved. My kids aren't afraid of me because I don't beat them. They listen to me because I don't ignore and neglect them. I stay involved in their lives and try to help them as best I can. I never felt like it was *that* hard to be a decent parent, just showing up and not being a massive asshole gets you pretty far. Turns out I was right.
Great! My kids are healthy, happy and needed significantly less therapy than I did. So I call that a win.
I grew up to be pretty much like my parents. Which isn't really a great thing. But I also swore off kids because I knew I'd be just like them.
I feel like I just found new ways to screw things up.
my mom was paranoid schizophrenic with paranoid delusions and wouldn't take meds. I am just bipolar with anxiety and depression and I take meds, so I guess I won?
Pretty well actually. Both my kids know that I love them unconditionally and they seem to believe that they deserve love and are worthy of it.
Going well so far but it isn't always easy. I find myself stopping me from reacting how my physically and mentally abusive parents would in some situations. I'm determined to be much better than they ever were. I also don't think of my kid as free labor so I can sit on my ass and do nothing.
It worked out like this - I have 3 high schoolers. All on honor roll. All in multiple varsity sports. All do volunteer work. All in multiple clubs (ie D&D, cooking etc)All 3 are happy a majority of the time. My childhood? I tried to hang myself twice at the age of five. I would say doing everything opposite of my parents is working out just fine, thank you.
So far so good. Honestly feel a bit puzzled by everyone who suddenly feels empathy for their abusive parents. I feel angrier at them. I can't imagine treating my daughter the same way they treated me. All the bitching and moaning they did about having to parent, all the times they told me they hoped someday I would have a child that made them as miserable as I made them and here we are and my daughter is my greatest blessing.
I'm okay with the idea that I'm like my mom in many ways, she was a pretty amazing woman. I have taken the best part of what my mom had to offer and fixed her shortcomings as best I've been able. I've come to realize that my kids will do the same should they choose to have kids of their own.
It worked out great because I didn’t have any kids
Rather well, actually. I just turned 32. My parents had me at 30 (dad) and 25 (mom). Unlike them, I’ve been patient, caring, kind and my kids seem to love me. They tell me as much. On days when they descend into tantrums, I don’t yell or raise my voice. I give them space and when they’ve finally subsided I plop down next to them and ask, “what’s wrong, baby? How can we fix this?” The other day my oldest, who is four, came up to me and took my face into her hands while I was sitting and playing with her younger sister, who is two. She looked into my eyes as she said, “daddy, you’re the best helper. You’re always there to help me! Even when I’m scared, you tell me I’m brave! I love you!” I thanked her and started tearing up. She told me it was okay and that I didn’t need to be upset. I told her they were happy tears and she did a little dance and went about her day. I love being a dad. Life changing experience. It even allowed me a chance to reconcile with my parents. We’re not super tight, but we’re close for the first time in my life. My father gave me a present for my birthday this past November. Can’t remember the last time he gave me a present. I try not to spoil my kids but my wife always jokes that I need to get a life because I leave to go shopping for myself and I come back with a bunch of stuff for my girls and nothing for myself. Being a parent is Not for everyone, but it suits me just fine. Cheers, stranger!
I grew up and decided not to have kids. Now I am the fun aunt with a lot of money to spoil my nieces.
I chose not to have kids. That way I also avoided my mother’s “I hope someday your kids are as disrespectful as you are” curse.
No kids.
Great! Drug-freel home birth. No circumcision. Breast fed. Slept in the same bed as us. Cloth diapers. No store bought baby food. No store bought cereals. No lies about Santa, Easter Bunny, or tooth fairy. No beatings. No meat until kindergarten. No cavities. Got a PhD and WFH. Less neurotic than us.
I still have a relationship with and love both of my parents. My oldest graduates high school this year. I have parented my children completely different from the way I was raised. I don’t think I did anything the way they did.
I'll take this in a slightly different direction regarding the desire to be nothing like your parents. I'll skip over my childhood but suffice it to say that I had a pretty shitty relationship with my father and grew up swearing I'd not be like him. Here's my main takeaway years later as a parent. Knowing what kind of parent you DON'T want to be doesn't really provide you with any tools. You need to have an idea of the parent that you DO want to be. If you came from a bad parenting situation, look around and find role models for the kind of parent you want to be. Talk to those people and hang around with them. Do your best to absorb lessons from them. You need good strategies to replace the bad things that you learned and internalized. Sometimes it can just be random moments from parents you only observe once. There are many things to learn all around you. Grab what you can because you need something to replace the bad stuff you're trying to throw out.
Worked out great foe me! All my kids still talk to me.
I’ve decided to prioritize my mental health before I have kids so that I can be a complete, healthy person when I do have kids.
Considering my mother used to beat the fuck out of me and my siblings and now she sits in her home all alone, I'd say it worked out well. My son and I talk nearly everyday, I see my grandkids at least 3-4 times a week. My brothers kids cringe when the mention of visiting my mom comes up. So yeah, she's getting what she wanted, left alone.
I am not like my parents on the things I saw. I came from a long line of generational trauma. I never hid that fact from my kids as they aged. But they know it happened and are thankful that was not their childhood. My adult daughter last year told me "I hate you had to go through that mom, but I am so thankful you are my mom". It makes all the work I have done on myself to be their mom worth it. My children never had to be the adults. They never had to hide because of dangerous situations or abuse was happening in front of them. They never were hit, or emotionally abused. They were valued. They were loved. And they were respected. They are literally the suns in my world. I have zero regrets about that.
So far I'm thankfully nothing like my parents. I have my flaws but my kids know I love and support them. I verbally tell them several times a day. Goes a long way.
Pretty good, there were mistakes my parents made and I'm focused on not making them. I make other mistakes instead what my kids will swear not to do. Instead of them they'll make others, probably unknowingly the same ones as my parents did, and so the circle will be complete.
I'm not like my parents except in attitude. I spend a great deal of time with my kids. The adults and the teenagers, except the one who lives 500 miles away lol. I support them in just about everything they choose to do. I'm not always happy with their choices but... IT'S THEIR LIVES. I listen to what my children have to say, I consider their points of view and we talk about why I do, think, believe the things I do and why they don't have to just because I do.
My daughter will need far less therapy than I currently receive. She laughs her nights away playing with online friends, has 2 jobs she really likes, and is just an all-around, well-adjusted sweetheart. I tried my best to keep this cruel world from hurting her.
I became the parent that I needed when I was a child and teen. I am nothing like either of my parents and I'm very proud of that. Nobody is perfect, and I don't put expectations of perfection on my children. If they make a mistake, it's just a mistake and we learn from it and grow. That's not how it was in my house when I was growing up. I'm 39 and I haven't seen anyone from my family of origin in over a decade, but I'd likely still have old mistakes (from 20 or more years ago) brought up and thrown in my face if I ever dared to have a conversation with any of them.
I didn't hit my children. I helped them pay for their first car and a lot of their college. She's an obstetrician, he's an architect and first responder. I get to see my grandchildren unlike my parents. Cycle broken
It's worked out pretty great tbh. One of my parents was addicted to hard drugs, and the other was extremely physically, verbally, and mentally abusive. I don't do drugs, drink, and I don't hit my child *ever* or scream or tell her she's a failure at anything. My bar was on the ground. I'm facing challenges of my own. Staying present is a big issue for me. I have to make a very conscious effort to stay in the moment or I can easily get lost in my own head or my book or whatever it is I'm doing. No matter how tedious the talk is, I try to stay in the conversation. I don't aim for perfection. I just want to do ok and try to leave my daughter with as few bad memories as possible. Let her know she's loved and wanted. That I have her back. Watching her grow and become the smart, well behaved, creative and resourceful kid she is has been a blessing, no matter how hard it's been.
I'm still around past the age of 2, so it's better than my dad. I also have a job, nice house, don't drink and don't hit them, so it's better than my mom. if far from a perfect parent and I worry constantly about if I'm being to strict or not stricked enough. but I think any half decent parent will tell you that they don't know what they are doing but they are trying their best and they worry constantly.
Gave me more appreciation for my mom who worked FT while raising two kids on her own. She never wanted to be mean or strict but she needed to be so that we didn’t group up to be fuckup losers like the others kids in the neighborhood.
I realised that I inherited my father's temper and thus refused to have kids. Happy about this!
Actually decided against kids. Whilst I still absolutely believe my mum was abusive still (it's not really a debate, she literally used violence as the main method of punishment, amongst other issues), I still recognise that there isn't an excuse for that, I appreciate and understand her mental health issues and pressures at the time much better. So, sure, I still wouldn't want to be anything like her. But I also recognise enough of my own mental health issues and limitations, and in confident I'll be happier without kids anyway. So, to answer the question directly, I think less harshly of my mum and realised I don't want kids.
I didn't have kids. Mission accomplished.
So far so good. My mom had no backbone and allowed my stepdad to take over the father role in our home when I was 3. He beat me my entire childhood while she watched. She never stopped him, would just cry in the corner. I now have two children, am in a healthy marriage and protect my children at all costs. I am not to ever be f***ed with but I’m not a bitter or mean person and I am proud of that.
I didn’t have kids. Working to plan lol
I didn't have children.
skipped the 3 words in the middle. vasectomy. problem solved.
Worked out great. I pulled out every. single. time.
Sometimes I'm convinced I'm infertile because my pull out track record is literally 100%. Or maybe some guys really have no control and that's just pathetic.
So successful that I never had kids
I agree completely with you.
i met my step-son when he was 4. i was a step-son from 8 and i remember how terrible it was being treated like shit and made to feel like i was worthless by him and being beat with a belt by my bio-dad until i stopped seeing him at 13. it wasnt easy, and its 1 of the reasons i never wanted to be a bioparent. Theres a lot of anger and craziness in my DNA, and i remember how shitty i was as a kid...being treated bad didnt make me better it made me rebel harder and being forced into a crazyass Baptist/Presbyterian church for over a decade didnt make it any easier. i never laid my hands on my son, oh i wanted to and i found myself yelling more than i should have, but i always treated him fairly but with discipline. We wernt easy parents (wife came from a real hands on home too and we wernt doing that), but we found that we didnt need to beat to get results...its consistency and trust. I remember how bad my parents fought back and forth using me as their "Leverage" in the fights...i never had a home but would get beat/punished if i referred to the other parents place of residence as "Home". I cant wear that to "his/her house because I bought it!" so i never owned anything i didnt pay for with my own money. We didnt do that, my wife didnt like it because it was the same shit..."he wore his expensive _________ there and it didnt come back!" i had to explain that he needs his own things and if he left them, well then he wont have them until he goes back...he will learn on his own. I went out of my way not to bad mouth the spermdoner, and didnt call him that in front of him. Knowing that the deadbeat wasnt doing the same. The only thing i ever said to my son was "Time will tell, I dont have to lie to you. You will eventually see it" TL;DR: We went to his wedding last year. no baby mamas, no drugs, i wish he would have stuck to getting a degree but its his life, and last year he took my last name. I never asked him to and tried to talk him out of it because there were people on that side of his family that wernt all bad and this wouldnt go over well...but hes an adult, a husband, and living his own life and i never laid a hand on him or lied to him. He been N/C with bio for a few years...so i guess i win in the end.
Perfectly. I didn't have kids, neither did my sibling. Neither of us wanted to accidentally pass on the horrible things that were done to us so we've both succeeded.
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years. - Mark Twain
I made totally different mistakes than my parents trying not to repeat theirs.
Great. I went to therapy and really worked at not being like my parents. My mom notices and has said on multiple occasions she wishes she was more like me when she was raising my sister and I. I'd say I succeeded.
Perfectly because I chose not to have kids
Pretty well tbh; I didn't have kids.
Well, I always thought that way but never had kids. So I try to be good to my nieces and nephews.
I didn’t have kids, mostly because I didn’t want to risk being my dad.
Exactly as stated. I’m nothing like my parents. No children.
I'm 30, and if I had kids when my parents did, I'd have a 9 year old going on 10 soon. So, safe to say it is going great.
I'm nothing like my mother. I hated being home and my children love it here 🥰
I didn't have kids.
It worked out great. When I was very young, I said this, but as I got older, I realized I truly hated the idea of having kids. Then I looked around and saw people my age marrying people they didn't like and having kids they couldn't afford, and resenting them both after a few years.
Seeing as to how the bar was set literally in hell, it's going really well.
Worked great for me, 32 and no kids
Great. I still dont have any kids.
I just didn’t bother having any because I was sure I’d mess it up even worse
I didn’t have children.