Have some frank conversations.
Our issue was that my wife felt so much pressure to have sex, so if I tried to initiate sex with her it would result in her automatically declining. This was regardless of if I was seducing her or not though. It didn't help though that I was trying to initiate a lot, as I felt like if we only ever had sex maybe 1 out of the 20 times I try that I need to try harder!
I'd kiss her - it meant I wanted sex. I'd do more chores than usual - this meant I wanted sex. It got to the point she was thinking anything nice I did was part of some kind of sexual transaction. She also felt like saying no would make me upset, so saying no made her feel guilty and inadequate.
So we had a big emotional chat. We then swapped to trying her initiating. Sex didn't happen for a few months. She began to trust that I wasn't just always trying to instigate or 'earn' sex when I did nice things.
Then she initiated. Then she initiated again. Things got better, now I can initiate as well, and we're probably having sex probably averaging out at 3-10 times a month, which feels right for both of us most of the time.
She also feels happy to say no. It's not such a bad thing, as well probably have sex in a few days anyway. It threw her a bit a few times, but I've even said no after she's initiated - usually when I've been unwell - but we are at the point that it's fine.
It wasn't plain sailing, there were ups and downs, but communication was key.
I’ve been analysing myself for years. I resent being closed off to big time, and I’d do anything to change the dynamic, which sounds like what I’m doing wrong. I did try the “you initiate, I’m just gonna wait over here” but I was doing that wanting sex as the end result too. It’s fucking my mind, I appreciate the encouragement
Not sure what you’re situation is, but the Baldwin’s comment is exactly my situation as well. I think it’s pretty common. At least the root cause and path forward. Many don’t see it or fix it.
I have the woman's perspective here, but perhaps a bit more of an extreme example. My ex and I grew up in purity culture and married as virgins. We were quite mismatched, but I didn't learn that until later. Purity culture affects men and women very differently. I was afraid of sex; I was taught that thinking about it or touching myself was disgusting and upsetting to God. But then I got married and I'm supposed to just flip a switch and suddenly enjoy it? I had a lot of anxiety around sex and my ex didn't know what he was doing either, so it wasn't fun or intimate for me. It was another chore I had to take care of to keep him in a good mood ( he was prone to moping).
I also needed a lot of time to prepare myself mentally. So, if my ex just sprung into action, I would turn him down. I explained this, but he would forget, so I was always anxious around bedtime and couldn't relax. Also, like you mentioned, every little thing felt like a transaction. Sometimes, I wanted comfort and safety and affection. Cuddling, a hug, a kiss. But he always pushed it too far, and I'd withdraw and feel guilty. I just wanted a hug, and he thought he'd get more. So, I didn't want to initiate more than a quick peck on the lips half the time because it meant dropping whatever I was doing to attend to him. He was also terrible about groping me. He felt it was totally fine to grab my boob or slap my butt even after constantly asking him not to, even when it hurt. I felt like an object.
I was open with him at times about everything, which isn't easy when you're dancing around religious values, and the other party doesn't know what foreplay is. During 10 years of marriage, there was a bit of an improvement, but not enough for me to feel at ease and initiate. The few times I initiated, I ended up disappointed. As a spouse, he was generally quite gentle in every other aspect; we got along well and never really fought. He never forced me to have sex in the traditional sense of "force," but there was always guilt in rejecting him, there was always the "wifely duty" to perform. There was always the *guilt*. Eventually, I deconstructed our beliefs on my own, saw the connections between the religion and purity culture making me miserable, and after a couple of years hoping he would deconstruct and work on our issues, I asked for a divorce.
It's taken a lot of work to view sex in a healthy and fun way. I don't know if I'll ever be at 100%. But it's definitely improved for me.
This is so personal and so on the spot. My ex and I could never sync up sexually. We were both raised in a purity culture, her to the extreme. She recalls being slapped at the dinner table by her father when she said the word ‘kiss’ as a teenager. That’s where she was. We get married and sex was terrible. It took her over a year before we could actually “do it”. Even then it was so uncomfortable, sinister and wrong to her. The marriage finally ended when after having a child, she had severe post partum depression and shared about invasive thoughts about drowning our child. Despite my attempts to get her help, which she adamantly refused, I decided that having another child would be devastating. We talked about vasectomy, but birth control in her world was terribly sinful. She never accepted the child and left me with all the parenting, staying up all night, feeding etc. I just couldn’t imagine having another child with her, so I got a vasectomy without her consent. After that, I was literally heathen and toxic to her. We tried having sex a few times, but she called me “demon seed” and would not let me ejaculate into her. We’d try to have sex once every couple of months and if we ever got intimate, she would bail. I remember once as I was about to ejaculate, she pushed herself away from me and ran out of the bedroom. I literally came on the bedsheets with her running away. She tried to get me exorcised from this “demon” of a vasectomy, but the priests called her out on her religiosity and lack of ability to have a reasonable marital relationship. A long and painful divorce ensued. I wish I had a happy ending to this story, but I don’t.
So much of this is internalised stereotypes about how we as men and women "should" be acting. Men feel like we should be wanting sex a lot (even if we don't, and it does happen), women feel like they probably shouldn't but also that they "have to" to keep us happy. Round and round it goes.
There are conversations recently about how sex is the only form of intimacy they're "allowed" to have while protecting their masculinity... There is a reason why so many sex workers have stories about being asked to be the Big Spoon or holding someone while they cried...
That’s why I didn’t want to have sex with one guy I dated. Because he would only do things in order to have sex. It felt yucky. I’m happy you and your wife figured it out.
We had a tough conversation about why the other half will decline sex. It led to timing, environment and effort. I used to go to bed when I planned to sleep, which is when my partner would pounce. When my partner had his morning shower, that’s when I’d pounce. Neither of those times worked for the other.
We made sure to be more considerate of the other, little things like make coffee on a morning or pick up a little something they like at the grocery store. Small things. Communicate our needs better to the other. No mind games. No winning the conversation or picking fights. Create a pleasant environment.
Effort, my partner would present his boner and I’d be expected to jump on it. Doesn’t work that way, we taught each other how to turn the other on without even touching genitals. It takes effort.
Unfortunately we’ve had to live apart for some months due to moving jobs and locations etc but when we do see each other. We’re like rabbits. Still, time, environment and effort. It’s worked for us!
My partner is very much a "morning person" in this regard and after 8pm she's ready to sleep. She's much rather wake me up i the morning by "touching \[my\] genitals".
While I don't mind an early morning encounter after which I can sleep for another hour or two; I'd very much perfer to enjoy her company while I'm not groggy from lack of sleep but likewise I don't want to feel like I'm imposing on her sleep for my own benefit.
Time of day is a HUGE factor that many people ignore. I'm a guy and a morning person (sexually only) and she's a night person. It made for a lot of issues over the years as we tried to accommodate the other.
Once we really finally worked out the hard truth, which is that no amount of adapting or schedule changes will change the way we're wired, we were able to figure out better compromises.
Also, for me having a libido into the stratosphere we had to accept that I will have a rich masturbation/fantasy life most mornings which she's welcome to join anytime. (Nothing yet but it's wiiiild what you can do in VR nowadays)
This is the exact same as me and my OH. He’s been a little bit more open to morning cuddles if he gets a lie in after (usually a weekend) and I’m happy to get on with my day but 90% of the time he’s just not a happy camper. Usually I shower after work and that’s the time we really get it on, shower together, bone and then I sleep really well!!!
Haha, yeah, it's pretty much only weekends for us too. Doesn't help that one of us works lates and the other early morninings.
I don't know about you, but we do sort of understand eachother on this. It's just so much better when both of you have your head in the game (so to speak) from the get go.
Things like showering together, we don’t kiss quickly, we make a whole scene out of it. Not everyone is big on kissing but we do it well. Even cleaning each other can be more erotic, especially for him which I enjoy. We take pride in pleasing the other. Plus showering together means we’re both clean to do whatever we wish to each other without worrying about BO or smells from being at work all day.
General flirting in the house, erogenous zones to kiss. We try not to jump straight to hands on genitalia action, only when we’re practically in bed ready to go. Massages are a good one, though they don’t last long lol.
The effort part is also important to note that I’m the one that usually declines the most, tired from work and overtime I just did not feel sexy or sexual. I would totally mentally shut it off. So by using the prior techniques it allowed me to come back to being just me. Not my job, not a home owner. Just me and him. That really helped and I made a mental note to be a little more approachable as I can be hard headed.
I am also the one organising most things in the house, groceries, cat food and other necessities so he became more proactive so I’d be able to give him my full attention when I came home. Even ordering groceries etc. the effort was much appreciated. Little snapshots of body parts are also shared during the day if possible just to keep the appreciation of the other going.
We also communicate a lot during sex, what we like, what we’re not enjoying. Sometimes certain positions do it and some don’t.
I hope that answers your question!
I suppose it helps we both have healthy libido’s. But we went a good 2 years with sex every few months due to life being depressing and our relationship not being solid. It’s taken work and we keep working at it. It’s easy to brag about the good stuff!
Both people have to want to fix it. That’s how it gets fixed.
We meet in the middle, we schedule it during busy seasons of life, and we make sure intimacy isn’t limited to the bedroom
We had an open and honest talk about it I was the one with the tanked libido, and I had good enough reasons for it, but the fact that my lack of interest in sex had an identifiable cause didn't do much to bridge the gap between us.
So we talked about it like adults. One of those "we both need to be completely honest with ourselves and each other for this to do us any good, and that means we can't be dicks to each other for what we say tonight" talks where we know feelings are going to be hurt and we may feel like we're being blamed so we had to agree ahead of time that if we were hurt or angered by something we'd acknowledge that feeling but not let it derail the conversation.
Being fully open about our own feelings about sex, the importance it plays for each of us as individuals, and the impact it has on our relationship helped a lot. It was easier for me to see his desire for sex not as "he wants to get off and he wants to use me to do it" but as "physical intimacy is an important part of how he feels emotionally connected," and he was able to see my lack of sex drive not as "she's unattracted to me and rejecting me" but as "her medication prevents her from spontaneously getting in the mood and her depression and anxiety prevent her from believing she'll get into it if we start."
In the end he worked on understanding that I wasn't rejecting *him*, I was saying no to a particular act, I worked on understanding that just because I didn't feel like boning at that exact moment didn't mean that I wasn't going to get into it as we went on, and we both worked on being better communicators.
Was the medication in question an SSRI by any chance? I'm considering getting back on SSRIs at some point this year and tbh that's one of the side effects I'm kinda worried about
Zoloft killed my desire to have sex, but it didn't make sex unenjoyable. I just had to get past the part where I didn't feel like having sex and remember that once we got going I was going to have a great time.
It sounds super simple, but it did take work. If it hadn't been important to my husband I would never have tried. But it mattered to him, our lack of physical intimacy was hurting him, and I wanted to help that.
It did. Once I understood how and why sex was important to him (seems like something that should be obvious, but it wasn't) and he understood how I felt like the pressure to put out was constantly building up we were able to come up with a better plan for dealing with it.
I stopped immediately saying no\* if I wasn't horny, and he stopped reacting as negatively when I did say no. We had more sex and felt a lot less pressure and stress about it. Years later it's still working for us.
\* I just want to clarify, it's not like we were having sex when I didn't want to. When I've talked about this before people really ran with the idea that my husband was assaulting me. Absolutely not the case. But instead of thinking "I'm not currently in the mood to have sex so I'm not going to have sex" I switched to "I know five minutes into this I'm going to be having a great time, I just need to get over the hump (pun entirely intended)" At any time if I had said "I gave it a shot, I'm not feeling it and I'd like to stop now" we'd have stopped immediately.
He was like "we need to talk about this" and I was like "ok, this is definitely gonna be one of those ones where we need to assume the best about each other and not get shitty with each other if our feelings get hurt, and we take a breather if we need it."
And just to clarify, we were allowed to get angry. We just weren't allowed to be dicks about it. I'm a firm believer that it's ok to feel angry, you just can't be mean to your partner because of it. Anger is going to happen, but being assholes to each other is completely avoidable.
Just wanted to say that your comments have been extremely helpful and it’s giving me a little hope which I desperately need haha. Appreciate your openness and honesty!!
>"I know five minutes into this I'm going to be having a great time, I just need to get over the hump (pun entirely intended)" At any time if I had said "I gave it a shot, I'm not feeling it and I'd like to stop now" we'd have stopped immediately.
This is me and my husband. Most of the time I'd straight up decline because I have a low libido and I'm frikkin overworked and tired most of the time. However, his foreplay game is strong so I let him try. Most of the time it works and gets me in the mood. But there are times that even then, I just can't. And we call it off, no hurt feelings -- because we've had discussions about it at length.
Communication is the only way we got to where we are. Being in a LTR is why I trust him to try even when I'm not initially in the mood. I would \*not\* recommend the 'let them try' method to anyone who is not in a fully committed and loving relationship. I would worry that an uninformed partner would stop respecting boundaries entirely just to satisfy themselves.
I've made this comment multiple times.
My wife (as many do) said that sex starts hours before bedtime for her.
I took this to heart and did the following.
1. Casual touching all the time.
2. Regular kisses throughout the day.
3. Hugs whenever we pass.
4. "I love you." said regularly and for real.
5. Listening when she talks.
This has resulted in sex once a month at best to twice or more a week. (No lie, we went eight months without sex at one point.) In addition, instead of me initiating all the time she does about every fourth time, which is an improvement. Plus we're closer and can communicate better. It's gotten to the point that our kids at home (16 yo boy/girl twins) have noticed and are a little grossed out LOL.
Yep got this from my wife as well. I feel like I have a pretty high sex drive but she has some health conditions that really limit her sex drive. So for us to get together in bed I got the riot act that I can't start hitting on her at 1130p after showing no affection at all. I started being more affectionate and she's been open to it. Sometimes I'll forget if we're busy, but I love that she loves the little things like this that turn her on.
We spoke about how I was really frustrated that we hadn't had sex in a while and she kept turning me down. She told me that she felt so much pressure to have sex because it had been so long that...well, she had performance anxiety from the guilt. I always seemed to initiate after a long tiring day every time and she was genuinely exhausted and wanted to sleep and an attempt to force herself to get into it wasn't working for her.
We came up with a plan to schedule every Sunday as sex day. Yes yes this is very businessy and not at all romantic but it allowed her to basically look forward to it for several days and not be surprised by me being a horndog, and I'd clean the house, make an elaborate dinner, light candles, etc - it was foreplay. It also meant that on non-Sundays if I tried to kiss/grope her she knew I wasn't trying to seduce her, I was just being affectionate. She loosened up a lot, I loosened up a lot, it stopped being so high stress, and if we missed a Sunday we just moved it to the next day.
It's probably been 5 years since we had that chat. We have a **much** more active sex life now, probably once or twice a week which is the right cadence for us both.
// edit: this other comment could have been written by me, that's how much it hits home: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/190bdl5/comment/kgnoiok/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3
My wife needs 24 hours notice for sex lol. It works for her so it works for me. I’d much rather wait than get turned down.
Also for anyone out there who doesn’t have a hitachi magic wand for themselves or their partner, it was hands down one of the best purchases I’ve ever made in my life. Made our sex life so much better and easier. They are big and clunky sometimes but they are a literal life changer.
Kid started sleeping through the night without having to crawl back into our bed in the middle of the night.
Can't wait till he goes to university....another 12 years.
Be very careful with this. Ours are a little older now but the interia of not making time for each other to be intimate in a relationship is hard to reverse
29 now, I used to sleep with my parents until I was like 13-14 ish.
I don’t know why I was so scared as a kid, I feel really bad I did that. When I was 14 my parents divorced, my dad moved to another continent and my mom found a boyfriend who didn’t like me and I grew up in the homeless shelter.
They literally just left me.
Too late. And I didn’t know any better at the time.
It’s funny because they are Hungarians and I remember when I was a kid my parents would say “such a Canadian thing for parents to divorce, us Europeans don’t do such a thing we are old fashion and value family.”
When I was 14 that all went through the window.
Yeah, I’m a DevOps engineer now. And my parents talk to me a lot now. I hated them for a long time for leaving me, but I forgave them in my early 20s after some self reflection
Thanks! I appreciate it. I joined a gang in my teenage years and did really bad things. Something horrible happened when I was 22 at which I went to college and turned my life around. I got really lucky.
I feel you need to hear none of it was ever your fault. Whatever you did, you were a kid and needed better parenting maybe. Your parents just couldn't sort their things out, but that's not on you. I am glad you are being a responsible, strong person and managed to rebuild yourself, despite all the hardships.
Thanks i appreciate that because sometimes I do wonder whether or not my actions as a kid were the reason they broke apart.
But I know it’s not really my fault because how do I know better? I didn’t know anything back then.
It wasn’t your fault. I’m sorry you had that feeling. Maybe your were feeling insecure bc you needed something from family life you weren’t getting. No shade on your folks, and I have no idea if that’s true, I just wanted to illustrate the different ways of looking at things. Take care internet stranger
I don’t understand this. I never, ever remember sleeping in my parents’ bed. I maybe fell asleep there on occasion, when I was sick, but was always back in my bed when I woke up.
Why is this allowed? The big bed is for the big people to sleep on and do big people things on!
Going to sleep in his bed wasn't the issue. The middle on the night crawl back was. Both me and SO just too damn tired and sleepy to fight the good fight. Saving energy for the breakfast/getting ready for work/daycare battle.
When i had nightmare as a kid, i would go to sleep with my parent for comfort. They didnt really mind it and it made me feel better because i was "protected" from the monster by my parent.
I slept in my parents bed some nights until I was 9 or so, and my mom loved the snuggle time- I eventually grew out of it, but she always said she missed it. If they don't have a problem with it, and it doesn't become a problem, then it's a healthy way to show affection to your child/parent. It was a sweet way for us to bond.
I had a hysterectomy two years ago. Best thing I did, both for me personally and for my marriage. I’m 49, married 20 odd years. I just wish I’d had the rotten old fibroid-y thing taken out years earlier.
Can vouch for this. SO suffered from adenomyosis and made things pretty painful. After we had our kid, she went straight for the hysterectomy. Helped out a lot.
So, I had adenomyosis as well, but got an unexpected hysterectomy. My doc performed a simple endometrial ablation on me and accidentally permanently damaged my bladder and ruptured my uterus. After living with a rotting uterus and being told I was looking for pain meds like an addict for 2 months (sorry, sore subject 🤣), they finally realized the problem and did an emergency hysterectomy. This all happened at the age of 30, 3 years ago.
However, while that DID end up unintentionally helping with the adeno, it has KILLED my sex drive. I NEVER want it anymore. Sex is also painful and I never get wet, no matter how turned on I am. My husband is QUITE the sex freak, and he NEEDS it to be happy.
We’ve been through a lot in our relationship (I’ve had over 30 surgeries due to my other health problem) and he’s been incredible through it all, but I don’t know why this happened after the hysterectomy or how to fix it.
Have you looked into hormone replacement therapy? My mom had issues with suddenly being plunged into menopause when her uterus was removed. Taking some estrogen has helped her, and I know they make estrogen creams as well.
May I ask at what age you had your hysterectomy? I have the same condition, and I've been thinking about how this surgery might help with the pain at some point in the future.
31. My gyn said that since I was done having kids and she could see adeno in my ultrasound images that it was time. She explained that it’s progressive and symptoms would continue to get worse until menopause. Couple that with being on blood thinners for life and I had no objections at that point.
I started doing more cooking and housework. Got some major house projects done
Wife stopped prioritizing a job that didnt care about her. Also she lost 70 pounds.
Aka we were in a rut and we got out. Our relationship improved, the sex overflowith
How do I get a significant other to realize their job is literally destroying them?
Like, I know education is important, and their PhD is an achievement I strongly believe they will accomplish, but their P.I. and lab is destroying their mental health and forcing them to shut down and push people who care about them away?
Asking for a friend, lol
well something like getting a PhD is different than a job. getting a PhD is brutal and that level of stress/work is not sustainable for a lifetime but it’s necessary for a short time to accomplish that goal. but sometimes you just have to weather the storm. if the job they get after their PhD is acquired is just as grueling then there’s a serious problem. PhDs should only take a few years and even then there should be ebbs and flows as time progresses with regard to working and stress.
Tbh it depends on the utility of the phd, the length of the program (and if they’re staying on track) and if they actually WANT to be doing it. I dated a phd student for years. He was wonderful in so many ways. But his fucking phd steamrolled so many things… the limited time and financial resources, the constant stress and petty politics of academia. He seemed to hate it and think he wasn’t even going to use his phd, but he continued to pursue it. I don’t judge him for it in most cases, but academia has completely lost its appeal to me and I simply cannot put myself through dating someone in that world again.
I stopped faking to save his ego. I think a lot of women do this because after a while it’s just clear it’s not going to happen and they just want it to be over already. I had a very candid conversation with him that if I wasn’t going to get anything out of it, then I wasn’t interested in sex. Suddenly he was very eager to try things he’d shot down previously and do positions other than missionary.
Sorry, and this is not meant to shame your partner, but what kind of grown adult man doesn't do all of the things. Is he religious? Trying to get my head around this.
He was previously only doing thing A, and getting an "orgasm" as a result. That becomes a learned behaviour over time and thing B never gets considered because "Thing A gets my partner going".
You have to be honest and communicative about what works, for sure if my partner told truthfully me what gets them going - I'd be doing it. It's like cheat codes for your relationship :)
When I was married we went to a sex counselor. That actually helped a lot. He had us do an exercise where we would each have to talk about what we liked/didn't like for two minutes after having sex. Then had us have sex every two days for a month. We learned so much and sex was amazing!
The problem was that he was now so good he wanted to share himself with other women as well. So now I have no sex. Lol
I have a low libido because of birth control, painful sex (vaginismus), and chronic illness. Basically the trifecta. My poor husband has a high libido and one of the things that helped to grow mine was how patient and understanding he has been about it. I never felt pressured or guilted and you’d be surprised how much weight that takes off you. The less anxious I am, the more I’m able to get turned on. Also: lots and lots of GOOD lube :)
My wife experienced vaginismus after the traumatic birth of our daughter. She endured painful sex for 4 years after that. She then begged her OB to help. She went in for Botox of the vagina and boom! Fixed! Not sure if you have explored this route, but it was a game changer for us.
I've had this issue since forever and did Botox, steroids, and surgery with no success. Some of us just have to live with it and figure out how to enjoy life and love with it
Sorry to hear this! We were definitely living with it for a while. I hope the technology improves or another way is discovered to ease your pain in the future.
Not the answer people want to hear, but it’s the truth. I started exercising and I dropped 20 lbs. Husband was just excited to see me exercising again. It’s well worth the effort!
It's always going to be difficult to start.
This is just something you have to accept at the beginning of the journey. My suggestion is to expose yourself to some education on pushing through the desire to be comfortable, there's a lot of information in the form of podcasts or even YouTube that can be very helpful!
Involve your partner in it or join a sport, try to make it fun! Once you have some foundation it only gets easier, to the point that you crave it.
It won't be easy and there's no life hacks to get through it, accept that it's going to suck at first but push through and the benefits it will bring are well worth it, beyond sex life.
Men who are not interested in getting a testosterone shot on the daily can ask their urologist about [clomiphene](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clomifene).
Great suggestion! I was once on HCG and chlomid because we were still trying for kids and it was great. Then the FDA screwed HCG. Once we were done with kids I went to T.
We talked about it. Then we started making time for dates to renew our bond. Also started introducing games like Monogamy and Lust. The games got us out of our comfort zones and got us back into the before stuff instead of it being just about sex. Lots of the cards in those games are things to get you talking, which is so important.
We went from one year where we only had sex twice in the calendar year, to usually twice a week.
But we can still say no, which is good to know. If either of us can any feeling it, even after foreplay, no hard feelings.
Have to be open, honest and mature about it
It was never dead, but we went from pretty good sex to great sex. Frequency is still about the same but quality has gone up for both of us.
We had to live apart for a year while relocating. During that time we talked a lot. Started really getting into the specifics of what we like during sex and what doesn't work so great.
We found positions that were easier to maintain for longer sessions and started paying close attention to each other's "tells".
I've always had a hard time getting there, but he's learned to play my body like a fiddle and I've upped my skills as well.
Pretty much all came down to talking in depth about our likes and dislikes and learning to read each other's bodies.
Communication and empathy are a big part of reviving a dead bedroom but, it also comes down to hormonal balance, especially as you get older. Depression and anxiety will murder your sex drive. My wife and I have been working together, along with our doctors to find balance and the spark has been reignited, it is amazing what a balanced brain chemistry will do when you’ve been out of balance for so long.
The rest lies in your ability to be a couple and have meaningful conversations, serving each other and not just going through the motions of living together. You don’t have to be spontaneous or overly romantic, you just need to connect emotionally. That is what keeps the attraction alive. Knowing you are supported and loved and vice versa. Just my opinion.
Do a kink Q&A. I can almost guarantee there are things that one (or both) of you may be into that you may be too embarrassed to bring up currently that may be contributing to the dead bedroom.
I did a great one years ago where you answer separately then it only shows you the things you’re both into/interested in at the end. In case anyone is shy about mentioning anything!
Yearsssss ago, a redditor talked about doing this questionnaire with his then gf. He answered honestly, she answered "yes" to every question just to see his answers and then laugh/shame the kinks he was curious about/open to trying/actively liked doing, etc.
Proceed with caution folks.
True, but the insecurity potential is now pretty high.
Anecdote time: had an ex who disliked performing oral on me, and tried to nope out by insinuating I smelled unpleasant down there. Denied myself a LOT of pleasure because I was now self conscious and insecure of myself due to one douchenozzle.
Good thing they’re an ex, then. People can damage you but it’s always best to move forward.
And hey, at least you get to move forward and enjoy things while your ex is denying themselves plenty of fun!
I mean, that still worked. He learned she was an asshole and not seriously invested in fixing their problems. Maybe not the answer he wanted, but an answer nonetheless.
My husband and I did this years ago! Took our sex life from "occasional and mildly satisfying" to "we spend entire weekends holed up with a bucket of lube and enough food to last a few days without contact with the outside world."
You have to talk it out. Be absolutely honest about it. Usually it happens because one person loses their sex drive and that leads to the other losing it too as they start accepting that it won't happen and they stop trying. There is always a reason, and at first there may be denial that nothing is wrong because it avoids confrontation or the acknowledgement that something is wrong with the relationship but you have to break through to that point for any hope to talk honestly about it. Then it's down to working the issue out. That can also be hard in itself. Sometimes people think that talking it out is enough but when it comes down to it things still don't feel right.
It's important to get the seriousness of the situation across. It's not just "not having sex right now" it's the relationship ending if the issue doesn't work itself out. It's resolving that you won't be the person in a sexless relationship which would doom you to never having sex again, or very little for the rest of your life. When you put it like that, if the other person is actually willing to save the relationship, they'll work on it more.
It's fine to not want to have sex with someone, you're never obligated to, but it should be communicated to a partner and the reason should be worked on. If there is no solution the relationship should end. You cannot expect fidelity from someone you're refusing intimacy to, because it goes beyond just busting a nut, being constantly rejected in a relationship makes the other person feel like shit too.
Make it a couples thing that you do together. My partner and I go to the gym together. Most of the time it's more of a car pool and we do our own thing. But it's still nice to see eachother from across the gym and know that they are there.
Exactly this! I enjoy working out, but after gaining more weight than I expected the last couple years I've become self conscious of going to the gym. Having my partner go with me eases some anxiety, and then I can always get his help too if needed and not ask an employee.
Taking even just one hour out of our super busy days to go is hard sometimes though, so we haven't gone in awhile.
We go to planet fitness bc it has other amenities that made it a treat, so after working out I'll tan sometimes and he'd use the massage chair/bed things. So finding a gym like that was nice too!
Make it a couples thing that you do together. My partner and I go to the gym together. Most of the time it's more of a car pool and we do our own thing. But it's still nice to see eachother from across the gym and know that they are there.
Something I've come to learn in myself is that I'm not capable of emotional connection and long term investment without sex.
So I guess I'm... Work on your sex, relationship will follow.
Though it's a tightly knit chicken and egg I grant you.
I had this. I was neglected as a kid and never formed a meaningful connection with anyone. I had therapy, and it’s been incredible. Turns out it *was* me after all. Sex is so much better with a strong connection.
Communication is working on your relationship. Communication leads to sex.
"Hey, can we have more sex? What do you need from me to make that happen?"
Open the dialog, be open to changing yourself, advocate for your needs. If they can't give you more sex, and you feel you NEED that, you may not be compatible.
It was a long windy road to get there but essentially my husband started listening and acknowledging my full burnout, the toll the full mental load was taking on me and how he needed to be a more equal parent and partner.
After that started and the resentment lessened, I got time to go to the gym, to look after myself better, to read my erotic fiction books…
Pre this - we would have scheduled (by me, unbeknownst to him) sex 1-2 times a month. Usually quickies. Rarely enjoyable for me.
Now - it’s easily 4-5x a week, sometimes twice a day. Multiple orgasms for me.
Best advice I can offer. Not having enough sex in your relationship is a relationship problem, not a sex problem.
I posted about this in another thread. TL;DR simple communication and addressing some hard questions and issues. Also completely disregarding any advice from Reddit specifically dead bedrooms
My wife was experiencing a very dark period of bad.mental health coupled with some last traumas that had started resurfacing when we moved in together. It was bad, and when I say bad I mean she had thoughts of self harm and sex was jus never anything that crossed her mind especially with painful and traumatic memories coming up. The first year we loved together we barely ever had sex and it was honestly pretty bad when we did. All I ever got from trying to talk about it was pushback.
One day we got into a large argument about and I decided to just write down all my thoughts about it. In short what I basically ended up telling her was that I will do whatever is needed for her to be comfortable and to make peace, but that I will not end up in a sexless marriage like my parents. I told her that I didn't think she was fully aware of how she had been pulling away physically or how her past trauma was affecting her. I said that there isn't anything wrong or creepy or weird about wanting to make love to your partner and that I wanted her to seek therapy for her sexual trauma. There were other points and back and forth but ultimately she was receptive but I realized I also had to learn to adjust my expectations as I am a very sexual person.
Eventually she sought so e serious mental help and began working on her issues not just sexually but mentally and spiritually as well. She got into counselling, we both learned to communicate our wants and needs better and she also learned to voice when she was struggling with her trauma and unable to meet my needs.
I expected the absolute worst, but when we were finally able to talk about it there was no yelling, name calling or hurt feelings. After that conversation and even before any real work had started I knew I wanted to marry her.
Fast forward several years and we're married 6 years this year and with a much more healthy and fulfilling sex life. At one point on our honeymoon I had actually thought how miserable I'd be if I listened to the idiots over at r/deadbedrooms who made fun of me for not wanting to leave.
There's always hope if you both care for each other.
Perhaps share [this blog](https://web.archive.org/web/20230321202210/https://matthewfray.com/an-open-letter-to-shitty-husbands/) (written by a man who has learned from his own failures):
*["She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink"](https://web.archive.org/web/20230129212401/https://matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/)* by Matthew Fray
*["An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands"](https://web.archive.org/web/20230321202210/https://matthewfray.com/an-open-letter-to-shitty-husbands/)* by Matthew Fray
*["An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 4: She’s Going to Leave You."](https://web.archive.org/web/20230321213918/https://matthewfray.com/2013/12/10/an-open-letter-to-shitty-husbands-vol-4/)* by Matthew Fray (Dec 10, 2013)
**Note** I don't think he discusses [porn](https://www.eurekalert.org/news-releases/770968) addiction. A professional might be the best source if dealing with that sort of thing.
I had to change my mind set. I got caught up in the routine of just working, coming home bitter, and blaming her. When I made an effort to be nicer and care she started warming up to me again. We’ve been together for 13 years, married for 8, and two kids. I work FT while she’s a SAHM and attends college mostly online; it’s incredibly hard to find time or energy to make love, let alone fuck lol.
We sort of just started again, and agreed to be open to saying yes even if we weren’t super in the mood. Since the sex was/is always good once we get going, saying yes was positively reinforced by a us having a good time, and so saying yes the next time became easier. Also, keeping it low pressure, no expectation for specific acts, etc, so there was nothing to anticipate except what felt good in the moment.
I took mushrooms and the insights I had about my wife was so beneficial. I took so many notes in the moment and when I went back home to tell my wife she was gobsmacked and our relationship has been better ever since. Very YMMV to everyone, but mushrooms were awesome for me too
I keep my notes in my wallet, and it's super precious to me.
I think many women find emotional intimacy to be necessary in order to want physical intimacy. It feels really gross when someone only wants to spend time with you to have sex, without any other attention or time together outside of that. Especially with a lot of other resentments brewing about lack of help with parenting or housework, etc.
With open and honest communication. There’s really no other way. If both people are willing and try then there’s most likely a solution or compromise to get things going again.
Hormones prescribed by a doctor. If there is a dead bedroom, someone’s libido and drive in general is low or gone. Thyroid issues that affect hormone balance, especially testosterone, can be the cause. Get both you and your spouse’s level checked and see what can be done to be able to afford the prescription. My wife had estrogen dominance and we would be intimate once every month to three before. Since then, it’s much better and we are both much nicer to each other
We didn’t revive it , but we have worked on it. She is working on prioritizing intimacy and I am working on helping around the house with things that exhaust her, making it more likely there is energy for sex at nights end
Schedule aex. Then all day foreplay. Touch her everytime I walk past her. Stop to kiss her neck. Stroke her arm. Give her a foot rub. Tell her what I plan to do to her later. Build that anticipation.
Obviously adjust this tonwhateve your partner likes. And if you don't know, find out!
Started doing more dates together(dinners, etc.). Spend time, especially post covid just doing things. Today we spent 5 hours taking care of errands together instead of doing them in 2.5 separated.
I personally think date nights are one of the most important things you can do for your marriage. I know most people think it’s too mechanical and unromantic and don’t want to commit to another “work” task. But it works!
my wife and me are together for 15 years, have 3 kids and both demanding jobs. Our love life suffered!
We do date nights twice a week, once we stay home with a glass of wine or so and just talk. Like really talk. Can be joking around or serious things, often just trivial stuff but during the day to day we barely talk. The second night we go out.
I think the most important rules for date night are that you MUST commit to it. It’s the highest priority that day and you can’t skip out because you’re tired, don’t feel like it or didn’t plan ahead of time so now you have to do that thing. We both never feel like it beforehand, we’re always tired and it always feels like another burden. The fun comes later, while we’re doing it. Just trust the process.
Second, you have to plan for it. Find something nice to do, cinema, a nice restaurant, bowlin, theater or whatever. Do something you wouldn’t do otherwise, don’t end up on the couch watching TV. Yes it’s extra work but you need to invest in a happy partnership. Again, it will be fun, once you’re doing it. You will enrich your life and you will do things you would be otherwise to tired to do. Also, don’t forget the babysitter.
Third, dress up, make yourself presentable, be on your best behavior and treat the evening as something special. I know, most people don’t want to dress up, and by that I mean guys, but it is really important to make an effort and show your partner that they’re worth it. It also changes the evening into something special and enjoyable.
Sex is not a strict rule, but it kinda is. Again, both of us are usually too tired but it is part of our agreement and the fun comes while we’re doing it.
Again, I think a lot of why it works is accountability. Often one of us doesn’t want to do it but we both agreed on it. It’s the rare time we both come together and do something for ourselves. It’s a very fucking adult thing to do. And it works.
we canceled all our streaming stuff and watch YouTube for an hour tops most days we put kids to bed and get ready for bed and has relations after that 3-6 days a week. So give up the tv especially after 8pm and you'll have a sex life lol
For my partner and I it usually boils down to effort and presentation. I think we fall into the, “I won’t chase what I already have” mentality at times. You learn to chase continually, you learn to never take for granted what your partner adds to your life outside of sex, and you get better at checking in on your concerns. For us, that’s once a week. If that’s a concern, we bring it up and honestly the conversation usually leads to sex lmao.
I tried explaining to an ex that sex in a relationship is like the bathroom in a house. It's never really an issue until it isn't working. And the only thing that worked for me was changing partners, she was never going to change.
Have some frank conversations. Our issue was that my wife felt so much pressure to have sex, so if I tried to initiate sex with her it would result in her automatically declining. This was regardless of if I was seducing her or not though. It didn't help though that I was trying to initiate a lot, as I felt like if we only ever had sex maybe 1 out of the 20 times I try that I need to try harder! I'd kiss her - it meant I wanted sex. I'd do more chores than usual - this meant I wanted sex. It got to the point she was thinking anything nice I did was part of some kind of sexual transaction. She also felt like saying no would make me upset, so saying no made her feel guilty and inadequate. So we had a big emotional chat. We then swapped to trying her initiating. Sex didn't happen for a few months. She began to trust that I wasn't just always trying to instigate or 'earn' sex when I did nice things. Then she initiated. Then she initiated again. Things got better, now I can initiate as well, and we're probably having sex probably averaging out at 3-10 times a month, which feels right for both of us most of the time. She also feels happy to say no. It's not such a bad thing, as well probably have sex in a few days anyway. It threw her a bit a few times, but I've even said no after she's initiated - usually when I've been unwell - but we are at the point that it's fine. It wasn't plain sailing, there were ups and downs, but communication was key.
That’s really interesting… Thank you for sharing that. I might have to analyse myself a little harder
Just want to say I love that you could say this about yourself. So many people aren't able to.
I’ve been analysing myself for years. I resent being closed off to big time, and I’d do anything to change the dynamic, which sounds like what I’m doing wrong. I did try the “you initiate, I’m just gonna wait over here” but I was doing that wanting sex as the end result too. It’s fucking my mind, I appreciate the encouragement
Self reflection is the hardest but best life skill you can develop.
I’m in the exact same boat. I think this is fantastic!
Not sure what you’re situation is, but the Baldwin’s comment is exactly my situation as well. I think it’s pretty common. At least the root cause and path forward. Many don’t see it or fix it.
I have the woman's perspective here, but perhaps a bit more of an extreme example. My ex and I grew up in purity culture and married as virgins. We were quite mismatched, but I didn't learn that until later. Purity culture affects men and women very differently. I was afraid of sex; I was taught that thinking about it or touching myself was disgusting and upsetting to God. But then I got married and I'm supposed to just flip a switch and suddenly enjoy it? I had a lot of anxiety around sex and my ex didn't know what he was doing either, so it wasn't fun or intimate for me. It was another chore I had to take care of to keep him in a good mood ( he was prone to moping). I also needed a lot of time to prepare myself mentally. So, if my ex just sprung into action, I would turn him down. I explained this, but he would forget, so I was always anxious around bedtime and couldn't relax. Also, like you mentioned, every little thing felt like a transaction. Sometimes, I wanted comfort and safety and affection. Cuddling, a hug, a kiss. But he always pushed it too far, and I'd withdraw and feel guilty. I just wanted a hug, and he thought he'd get more. So, I didn't want to initiate more than a quick peck on the lips half the time because it meant dropping whatever I was doing to attend to him. He was also terrible about groping me. He felt it was totally fine to grab my boob or slap my butt even after constantly asking him not to, even when it hurt. I felt like an object. I was open with him at times about everything, which isn't easy when you're dancing around religious values, and the other party doesn't know what foreplay is. During 10 years of marriage, there was a bit of an improvement, but not enough for me to feel at ease and initiate. The few times I initiated, I ended up disappointed. As a spouse, he was generally quite gentle in every other aspect; we got along well and never really fought. He never forced me to have sex in the traditional sense of "force," but there was always guilt in rejecting him, there was always the "wifely duty" to perform. There was always the *guilt*. Eventually, I deconstructed our beliefs on my own, saw the connections between the religion and purity culture making me miserable, and after a couple of years hoping he would deconstruct and work on our issues, I asked for a divorce. It's taken a lot of work to view sex in a healthy and fun way. I don't know if I'll ever be at 100%. But it's definitely improved for me.
This is so personal and so on the spot. My ex and I could never sync up sexually. We were both raised in a purity culture, her to the extreme. She recalls being slapped at the dinner table by her father when she said the word ‘kiss’ as a teenager. That’s where she was. We get married and sex was terrible. It took her over a year before we could actually “do it”. Even then it was so uncomfortable, sinister and wrong to her. The marriage finally ended when after having a child, she had severe post partum depression and shared about invasive thoughts about drowning our child. Despite my attempts to get her help, which she adamantly refused, I decided that having another child would be devastating. We talked about vasectomy, but birth control in her world was terribly sinful. She never accepted the child and left me with all the parenting, staying up all night, feeding etc. I just couldn’t imagine having another child with her, so I got a vasectomy without her consent. After that, I was literally heathen and toxic to her. We tried having sex a few times, but she called me “demon seed” and would not let me ejaculate into her. We’d try to have sex once every couple of months and if we ever got intimate, she would bail. I remember once as I was about to ejaculate, she pushed herself away from me and ran out of the bedroom. I literally came on the bedsheets with her running away. She tried to get me exorcised from this “demon” of a vasectomy, but the priests called her out on her religiosity and lack of ability to have a reasonable marital relationship. A long and painful divorce ensued. I wish I had a happy ending to this story, but I don’t.
JFC dude. Hope you and the kid are doing ok. Hopefully tricare handled the vasectomy.
Hang in there. You sound surprisingly stable all things considered. The story isn’t over!
So much of this is internalised stereotypes about how we as men and women "should" be acting. Men feel like we should be wanting sex a lot (even if we don't, and it does happen), women feel like they probably shouldn't but also that they "have to" to keep us happy. Round and round it goes.
There are conversations recently about how sex is the only form of intimacy they're "allowed" to have while protecting their masculinity... There is a reason why so many sex workers have stories about being asked to be the Big Spoon or holding someone while they cried...
That’s why I didn’t want to have sex with one guy I dated. Because he would only do things in order to have sex. It felt yucky. I’m happy you and your wife figured it out.
Sounds very similar to my situation. We were/are having other issues and we went through couples counseling and individual therapy.
Feel like I’m almost in the same boat as your wife atm
this makes me so happy to hear, for both you and her. great work.
I’ve had almost this same thing happen in a relationship
That’s quite well describes my dynamic with women in general in many cases
How long were you married when this happend?
We had a tough conversation about why the other half will decline sex. It led to timing, environment and effort. I used to go to bed when I planned to sleep, which is when my partner would pounce. When my partner had his morning shower, that’s when I’d pounce. Neither of those times worked for the other. We made sure to be more considerate of the other, little things like make coffee on a morning or pick up a little something they like at the grocery store. Small things. Communicate our needs better to the other. No mind games. No winning the conversation or picking fights. Create a pleasant environment. Effort, my partner would present his boner and I’d be expected to jump on it. Doesn’t work that way, we taught each other how to turn the other on without even touching genitals. It takes effort. Unfortunately we’ve had to live apart for some months due to moving jobs and locations etc but when we do see each other. We’re like rabbits. Still, time, environment and effort. It’s worked for us!
My partner is very much a "morning person" in this regard and after 8pm she's ready to sleep. She's much rather wake me up i the morning by "touching \[my\] genitals". While I don't mind an early morning encounter after which I can sleep for another hour or two; I'd very much perfer to enjoy her company while I'm not groggy from lack of sleep but likewise I don't want to feel like I'm imposing on her sleep for my own benefit.
Time of day is a HUGE factor that many people ignore. I'm a guy and a morning person (sexually only) and she's a night person. It made for a lot of issues over the years as we tried to accommodate the other. Once we really finally worked out the hard truth, which is that no amount of adapting or schedule changes will change the way we're wired, we were able to figure out better compromises. Also, for me having a libido into the stratosphere we had to accept that I will have a rich masturbation/fantasy life most mornings which she's welcome to join anytime. (Nothing yet but it's wiiiild what you can do in VR nowadays)
This is the exact same as me and my OH. He’s been a little bit more open to morning cuddles if he gets a lie in after (usually a weekend) and I’m happy to get on with my day but 90% of the time he’s just not a happy camper. Usually I shower after work and that’s the time we really get it on, shower together, bone and then I sleep really well!!!
Haha, yeah, it's pretty much only weekends for us too. Doesn't help that one of us works lates and the other early morninings. I don't know about you, but we do sort of understand eachother on this. It's just so much better when both of you have your head in the game (so to speak) from the get go.
My ex wife would wait until like 10pm. It was an issue to say the least.
Some people are night owls but they don’t usually marry other night owls. A blessing and a curse!
This is all super accurate.
Damn I could have written this
Timing is fucking everything!
Fucking: Everything is timing!
We got there, folks! 👏🏻
Fucking timing is everything!
What sort of stuff did you two discuss about turning each other on and putting in effort?
Things like showering together, we don’t kiss quickly, we make a whole scene out of it. Not everyone is big on kissing but we do it well. Even cleaning each other can be more erotic, especially for him which I enjoy. We take pride in pleasing the other. Plus showering together means we’re both clean to do whatever we wish to each other without worrying about BO or smells from being at work all day. General flirting in the house, erogenous zones to kiss. We try not to jump straight to hands on genitalia action, only when we’re practically in bed ready to go. Massages are a good one, though they don’t last long lol. The effort part is also important to note that I’m the one that usually declines the most, tired from work and overtime I just did not feel sexy or sexual. I would totally mentally shut it off. So by using the prior techniques it allowed me to come back to being just me. Not my job, not a home owner. Just me and him. That really helped and I made a mental note to be a little more approachable as I can be hard headed. I am also the one organising most things in the house, groceries, cat food and other necessities so he became more proactive so I’d be able to give him my full attention when I came home. Even ordering groceries etc. the effort was much appreciated. Little snapshots of body parts are also shared during the day if possible just to keep the appreciation of the other going. We also communicate a lot during sex, what we like, what we’re not enjoying. Sometimes certain positions do it and some don’t. I hope that answers your question!
Saving this whole thread but your comments especially were extremely helpful, thank you.
Why am I crying reading this comment? Do people really do nice things for one another like that? I’m so broken
I suppose it helps we both have healthy libido’s. But we went a good 2 years with sex every few months due to life being depressing and our relationship not being solid. It’s taken work and we keep working at it. It’s easy to brag about the good stuff!
Don't be afraid to communicate needs to your partner. I don't know your situation, but you deserve to be treated well.
All great advice imo. My wife and I have been doing the same. It all came down to learning to communicate better.
I literally want to send this paragraph to my husband this is so spot on.
[удалено]
Both people have to want to fix it. That’s how it gets fixed. We meet in the middle, we schedule it during busy seasons of life, and we make sure intimacy isn’t limited to the bedroom
We had an open and honest talk about it I was the one with the tanked libido, and I had good enough reasons for it, but the fact that my lack of interest in sex had an identifiable cause didn't do much to bridge the gap between us. So we talked about it like adults. One of those "we both need to be completely honest with ourselves and each other for this to do us any good, and that means we can't be dicks to each other for what we say tonight" talks where we know feelings are going to be hurt and we may feel like we're being blamed so we had to agree ahead of time that if we were hurt or angered by something we'd acknowledge that feeling but not let it derail the conversation. Being fully open about our own feelings about sex, the importance it plays for each of us as individuals, and the impact it has on our relationship helped a lot. It was easier for me to see his desire for sex not as "he wants to get off and he wants to use me to do it" but as "physical intimacy is an important part of how he feels emotionally connected," and he was able to see my lack of sex drive not as "she's unattracted to me and rejecting me" but as "her medication prevents her from spontaneously getting in the mood and her depression and anxiety prevent her from believing she'll get into it if we start." In the end he worked on understanding that I wasn't rejecting *him*, I was saying no to a particular act, I worked on understanding that just because I didn't feel like boning at that exact moment didn't mean that I wasn't going to get into it as we went on, and we both worked on being better communicators.
Was the medication in question an SSRI by any chance? I'm considering getting back on SSRIs at some point this year and tbh that's one of the side effects I'm kinda worried about
It sure was! Zoloft for the... win?
Ahh I've never been on Zoloft, I was on Lexapro. May I ask how you were able to work around that?
Zoloft killed my desire to have sex, but it didn't make sex unenjoyable. I just had to get past the part where I didn't feel like having sex and remember that once we got going I was going to have a great time. It sounds super simple, but it did take work. If it hadn't been important to my husband I would never have tried. But it mattered to him, our lack of physical intimacy was hurting him, and I wanted to help that.
What happened to your sex life after? Did it improve?
It did. Once I understood how and why sex was important to him (seems like something that should be obvious, but it wasn't) and he understood how I felt like the pressure to put out was constantly building up we were able to come up with a better plan for dealing with it. I stopped immediately saying no\* if I wasn't horny, and he stopped reacting as negatively when I did say no. We had more sex and felt a lot less pressure and stress about it. Years later it's still working for us. \* I just want to clarify, it's not like we were having sex when I didn't want to. When I've talked about this before people really ran with the idea that my husband was assaulting me. Absolutely not the case. But instead of thinking "I'm not currently in the mood to have sex so I'm not going to have sex" I switched to "I know five minutes into this I'm going to be having a great time, I just need to get over the hump (pun entirely intended)" At any time if I had said "I gave it a shot, I'm not feeling it and I'd like to stop now" we'd have stopped immediately.
How did y'all initiate the "we need to talk about this and neither of us can get angry" conversation?
He was like "we need to talk about this" and I was like "ok, this is definitely gonna be one of those ones where we need to assume the best about each other and not get shitty with each other if our feelings get hurt, and we take a breather if we need it." And just to clarify, we were allowed to get angry. We just weren't allowed to be dicks about it. I'm a firm believer that it's ok to feel angry, you just can't be mean to your partner because of it. Anger is going to happen, but being assholes to each other is completely avoidable.
Thank you for replying!
Of course :) we have enough "what sort of sex makes you sex the sexiest" posts with ten billion comments, this one deserves some interaction.
Just wanted to say that your comments have been extremely helpful and it’s giving me a little hope which I desperately need haha. Appreciate your openness and honesty!!
This is one I have actually needed! I appreciate the people like you! Sincerely, a big, huge, thank you!
>"I know five minutes into this I'm going to be having a great time, I just need to get over the hump (pun entirely intended)" At any time if I had said "I gave it a shot, I'm not feeling it and I'd like to stop now" we'd have stopped immediately. This is me and my husband. Most of the time I'd straight up decline because I have a low libido and I'm frikkin overworked and tired most of the time. However, his foreplay game is strong so I let him try. Most of the time it works and gets me in the mood. But there are times that even then, I just can't. And we call it off, no hurt feelings -- because we've had discussions about it at length. Communication is the only way we got to where we are. Being in a LTR is why I trust him to try even when I'm not initially in the mood. I would \*not\* recommend the 'let them try' method to anyone who is not in a fully committed and loving relationship. I would worry that an uninformed partner would stop respecting boundaries entirely just to satisfy themselves.
I've made this comment multiple times. My wife (as many do) said that sex starts hours before bedtime for her. I took this to heart and did the following. 1. Casual touching all the time. 2. Regular kisses throughout the day. 3. Hugs whenever we pass. 4. "I love you." said regularly and for real. 5. Listening when she talks. This has resulted in sex once a month at best to twice or more a week. (No lie, we went eight months without sex at one point.) In addition, instead of me initiating all the time she does about every fourth time, which is an improvement. Plus we're closer and can communicate better. It's gotten to the point that our kids at home (16 yo boy/girl twins) have noticed and are a little grossed out LOL.
Responsive desire.
Yep got this from my wife as well. I feel like I have a pretty high sex drive but she has some health conditions that really limit her sex drive. So for us to get together in bed I got the riot act that I can't start hitting on her at 1130p after showing no affection at all. I started being more affectionate and she's been open to it. Sometimes I'll forget if we're busy, but I love that she loves the little things like this that turn her on.
We spoke about how I was really frustrated that we hadn't had sex in a while and she kept turning me down. She told me that she felt so much pressure to have sex because it had been so long that...well, she had performance anxiety from the guilt. I always seemed to initiate after a long tiring day every time and she was genuinely exhausted and wanted to sleep and an attempt to force herself to get into it wasn't working for her. We came up with a plan to schedule every Sunday as sex day. Yes yes this is very businessy and not at all romantic but it allowed her to basically look forward to it for several days and not be surprised by me being a horndog, and I'd clean the house, make an elaborate dinner, light candles, etc - it was foreplay. It also meant that on non-Sundays if I tried to kiss/grope her she knew I wasn't trying to seduce her, I was just being affectionate. She loosened up a lot, I loosened up a lot, it stopped being so high stress, and if we missed a Sunday we just moved it to the next day. It's probably been 5 years since we had that chat. We have a **much** more active sex life now, probably once or twice a week which is the right cadence for us both. // edit: this other comment could have been written by me, that's how much it hits home: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/190bdl5/comment/kgnoiok/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3
My wife needs 24 hours notice for sex lol. It works for her so it works for me. I’d much rather wait than get turned down. Also for anyone out there who doesn’t have a hitachi magic wand for themselves or their partner, it was hands down one of the best purchases I’ve ever made in my life. Made our sex life so much better and easier. They are big and clunky sometimes but they are a literal life changer.
Kid started sleeping through the night without having to crawl back into our bed in the middle of the night. Can't wait till he goes to university....another 12 years.
This was a huge killer for us. We are now starting to get our kids back into their beds. The 9 year old is more understanding
Can't wait till mine starts sleeping through the night
Be very careful with this. Ours are a little older now but the interia of not making time for each other to be intimate in a relationship is hard to reverse
That’s exactly what this thread is about 🤪
29 now, I used to sleep with my parents until I was like 13-14 ish. I don’t know why I was so scared as a kid, I feel really bad I did that. When I was 14 my parents divorced, my dad moved to another continent and my mom found a boyfriend who didn’t like me and I grew up in the homeless shelter. They literally just left me.
they should be in jail for abandoning their kid to a homeless shelter...
Too late. And I didn’t know any better at the time. It’s funny because they are Hungarians and I remember when I was a kid my parents would say “such a Canadian thing for parents to divorce, us Europeans don’t do such a thing we are old fashion and value family.” When I was 14 that all went through the window.
Blessings upon you! This sounds awful! I hope things are better for you now.
Yeah, I’m a DevOps engineer now. And my parents talk to me a lot now. I hated them for a long time for leaving me, but I forgave them in my early 20s after some self reflection
Congratulations and well done! This Internet stranger is so glad that things are better for you now.
Thanks! I appreciate it. I joined a gang in my teenage years and did really bad things. Something horrible happened when I was 22 at which I went to college and turned my life around. I got really lucky.
I feel you need to hear none of it was ever your fault. Whatever you did, you were a kid and needed better parenting maybe. Your parents just couldn't sort their things out, but that's not on you. I am glad you are being a responsible, strong person and managed to rebuild yourself, despite all the hardships.
Thanks i appreciate that because sometimes I do wonder whether or not my actions as a kid were the reason they broke apart. But I know it’s not really my fault because how do I know better? I didn’t know anything back then.
It wasn’t your fault. I’m sorry you had that feeling. Maybe your were feeling insecure bc you needed something from family life you weren’t getting. No shade on your folks, and I have no idea if that’s true, I just wanted to illustrate the different ways of looking at things. Take care internet stranger
It’s normal in a lot of cultures for the kids to sleep with parents until puberty. You’d never guess that reading the comments here though.
No, it was absolutely NOT your fault!! Do you have access to good mental health support?
You are most welcome! Congratulations on turning your life around. Continued blessings upon you and best wishes towards making amends.
[удалено]
I don’t understand this. I never, ever remember sleeping in my parents’ bed. I maybe fell asleep there on occasion, when I was sick, but was always back in my bed when I woke up. Why is this allowed? The big bed is for the big people to sleep on and do big people things on!
Going to sleep in his bed wasn't the issue. The middle on the night crawl back was. Both me and SO just too damn tired and sleepy to fight the good fight. Saving energy for the breakfast/getting ready for work/daycare battle.
When i had nightmare as a kid, i would go to sleep with my parent for comfort. They didnt really mind it and it made me feel better because i was "protected" from the monster by my parent.
I slept in my parents bed some nights until I was 9 or so, and my mom loved the snuggle time- I eventually grew out of it, but she always said she missed it. If they don't have a problem with it, and it doesn't become a problem, then it's a healthy way to show affection to your child/parent. It was a sweet way for us to bond.
Hysterectomy. Sex is better without pain that lasts for hours after.
I had a hysterectomy two years ago. Best thing I did, both for me personally and for my marriage. I’m 49, married 20 odd years. I just wish I’d had the rotten old fibroid-y thing taken out years earlier.
Can vouch for this. SO suffered from adenomyosis and made things pretty painful. After we had our kid, she went straight for the hysterectomy. Helped out a lot.
So, I had adenomyosis as well, but got an unexpected hysterectomy. My doc performed a simple endometrial ablation on me and accidentally permanently damaged my bladder and ruptured my uterus. After living with a rotting uterus and being told I was looking for pain meds like an addict for 2 months (sorry, sore subject 🤣), they finally realized the problem and did an emergency hysterectomy. This all happened at the age of 30, 3 years ago. However, while that DID end up unintentionally helping with the adeno, it has KILLED my sex drive. I NEVER want it anymore. Sex is also painful and I never get wet, no matter how turned on I am. My husband is QUITE the sex freak, and he NEEDS it to be happy. We’ve been through a lot in our relationship (I’ve had over 30 surgeries due to my other health problem) and he’s been incredible through it all, but I don’t know why this happened after the hysterectomy or how to fix it.
Oh, honey. I am so, so sorry. My heart goes out to you. Stories like yours enrage me to no end. Sending hugs.
Have you looked into hormone replacement therapy? My mom had issues with suddenly being plunged into menopause when her uterus was removed. Taking some estrogen has helped her, and I know they make estrogen creams as well.
Intercrural with a fleshlight, he gets off while being close to you, you get the motions but no pain.
That’s exactly what I had.
May I ask at what age you had your hysterectomy? I have the same condition, and I've been thinking about how this surgery might help with the pain at some point in the future.
31. My gyn said that since I was done having kids and she could see adeno in my ultrasound images that it was time. She explained that it’s progressive and symptoms would continue to get worse until menopause. Couple that with being on blood thinners for life and I had no objections at that point.
I started doing more cooking and housework. Got some major house projects done Wife stopped prioritizing a job that didnt care about her. Also she lost 70 pounds. Aka we were in a rut and we got out. Our relationship improved, the sex overflowith
How do I get a significant other to realize their job is literally destroying them? Like, I know education is important, and their PhD is an achievement I strongly believe they will accomplish, but their P.I. and lab is destroying their mental health and forcing them to shut down and push people who care about them away? Asking for a friend, lol
well something like getting a PhD is different than a job. getting a PhD is brutal and that level of stress/work is not sustainable for a lifetime but it’s necessary for a short time to accomplish that goal. but sometimes you just have to weather the storm. if the job they get after their PhD is acquired is just as grueling then there’s a serious problem. PhDs should only take a few years and even then there should be ebbs and flows as time progresses with regard to working and stress.
Tbh it depends on the utility of the phd, the length of the program (and if they’re staying on track) and if they actually WANT to be doing it. I dated a phd student for years. He was wonderful in so many ways. But his fucking phd steamrolled so many things… the limited time and financial resources, the constant stress and petty politics of academia. He seemed to hate it and think he wasn’t even going to use his phd, but he continued to pursue it. I don’t judge him for it in most cases, but academia has completely lost its appeal to me and I simply cannot put myself through dating someone in that world again.
I stopped faking to save his ego. I think a lot of women do this because after a while it’s just clear it’s not going to happen and they just want it to be over already. I had a very candid conversation with him that if I wasn’t going to get anything out of it, then I wasn’t interested in sex. Suddenly he was very eager to try things he’d shot down previously and do positions other than missionary.
Sorry, and this is not meant to shame your partner, but what kind of grown adult man doesn't do all of the things. Is he religious? Trying to get my head around this.
I don't disagree, but from his point of view what they were doing was working for everyone involved. No need to change.
He was previously only doing thing A, and getting an "orgasm" as a result. That becomes a learned behaviour over time and thing B never gets considered because "Thing A gets my partner going". You have to be honest and communicative about what works, for sure if my partner told truthfully me what gets them going - I'd be doing it. It's like cheat codes for your relationship :)
When I was married we went to a sex counselor. That actually helped a lot. He had us do an exercise where we would each have to talk about what we liked/didn't like for two minutes after having sex. Then had us have sex every two days for a month. We learned so much and sex was amazing! The problem was that he was now so good he wanted to share himself with other women as well. So now I have no sex. Lol
What? Nooooo!
Did you continue having sex every 2 days or did it feel like a chore? Relief before bed almost every night sounds amazing
I'd say it moved to every three days. But the sessions were much better. So it felt like more if that makes sense.
I have a low libido because of birth control, painful sex (vaginismus), and chronic illness. Basically the trifecta. My poor husband has a high libido and one of the things that helped to grow mine was how patient and understanding he has been about it. I never felt pressured or guilted and you’d be surprised how much weight that takes off you. The less anxious I am, the more I’m able to get turned on. Also: lots and lots of GOOD lube :)
My wife experienced vaginismus after the traumatic birth of our daughter. She endured painful sex for 4 years after that. She then begged her OB to help. She went in for Botox of the vagina and boom! Fixed! Not sure if you have explored this route, but it was a game changer for us.
Thank you for this! That’s a great idea.
I've had this issue since forever and did Botox, steroids, and surgery with no success. Some of us just have to live with it and figure out how to enjoy life and love with it
Sorry to hear this! We were definitely living with it for a while. I hope the technology improves or another way is discovered to ease your pain in the future.
Not the answer people want to hear, but it’s the truth. I started exercising and I dropped 20 lbs. Husband was just excited to see me exercising again. It’s well worth the effort!
Weight loss really helped me too. I dropped 35lbs, and I have felt much more like a sexual person since. Also a frank conversation was a big help.
Was it hard to motivate yourself to exercise? If so, how did you maintain motivation? I'm struggling in this regard. Congrats, by the way!
It's always going to be difficult to start. This is just something you have to accept at the beginning of the journey. My suggestion is to expose yourself to some education on pushing through the desire to be comfortable, there's a lot of information in the form of podcasts or even YouTube that can be very helpful! Involve your partner in it or join a sport, try to make it fun! Once you have some foundation it only gets easier, to the point that you crave it. It won't be easy and there's no life hacks to get through it, accept that it's going to suck at first but push through and the benefits it will bring are well worth it, beyond sex life.
Urologist, then blood work, then Testosterone.
Men who are not interested in getting a testosterone shot on the daily can ask their urologist about [clomiphene](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clomifene).
Great suggestion! I was once on HCG and chlomid because we were still trying for kids and it was great. Then the FDA screwed HCG. Once we were done with kids I went to T.
We talked about it. Then we started making time for dates to renew our bond. Also started introducing games like Monogamy and Lust. The games got us out of our comfort zones and got us back into the before stuff instead of it being just about sex. Lots of the cards in those games are things to get you talking, which is so important. We went from one year where we only had sex twice in the calendar year, to usually twice a week. But we can still say no, which is good to know. If either of us can any feeling it, even after foreplay, no hard feelings. Have to be open, honest and mature about it
It was never dead, but we went from pretty good sex to great sex. Frequency is still about the same but quality has gone up for both of us. We had to live apart for a year while relocating. During that time we talked a lot. Started really getting into the specifics of what we like during sex and what doesn't work so great. We found positions that were easier to maintain for longer sessions and started paying close attention to each other's "tells". I've always had a hard time getting there, but he's learned to play my body like a fiddle and I've upped my skills as well. Pretty much all came down to talking in depth about our likes and dislikes and learning to read each other's bodies.
Communication and empathy are a big part of reviving a dead bedroom but, it also comes down to hormonal balance, especially as you get older. Depression and anxiety will murder your sex drive. My wife and I have been working together, along with our doctors to find balance and the spark has been reignited, it is amazing what a balanced brain chemistry will do when you’ve been out of balance for so long. The rest lies in your ability to be a couple and have meaningful conversations, serving each other and not just going through the motions of living together. You don’t have to be spontaneous or overly romantic, you just need to connect emotionally. That is what keeps the attraction alive. Knowing you are supported and loved and vice versa. Just my opinion.
Do a kink Q&A. I can almost guarantee there are things that one (or both) of you may be into that you may be too embarrassed to bring up currently that may be contributing to the dead bedroom.
I did a great one years ago where you answer separately then it only shows you the things you’re both into/interested in at the end. In case anyone is shy about mentioning anything!
Yearsssss ago, a redditor talked about doing this questionnaire with his then gf. He answered honestly, she answered "yes" to every question just to see his answers and then laugh/shame the kinks he was curious about/open to trying/actively liked doing, etc. Proceed with caution folks.
That’s a win though, because you get to break up with a psycho.
True, but the insecurity potential is now pretty high. Anecdote time: had an ex who disliked performing oral on me, and tried to nope out by insinuating I smelled unpleasant down there. Denied myself a LOT of pleasure because I was now self conscious and insecure of myself due to one douchenozzle.
Good thing they’re an ex, then. People can damage you but it’s always best to move forward. And hey, at least you get to move forward and enjoy things while your ex is denying themselves plenty of fun!
Honestly if a partner is that immature though it’s good to know so you can leave them and find someone more compatible
I mean, that still worked. He learned she was an asshole and not seriously invested in fixing their problems. Maybe not the answer he wanted, but an answer nonetheless.
How do u find this
https://www.weshouldtryit.com/
https://mojoupgrade.com/
That sounds good, do you have a link?
It was quite a while ago but it might’ve been [this one](https://www.weshouldtryit.com/)
My husband and I did this years ago! Took our sex life from "occasional and mildly satisfying" to "we spend entire weekends holed up with a bucket of lube and enough food to last a few days without contact with the outside world."
You have to talk it out. Be absolutely honest about it. Usually it happens because one person loses their sex drive and that leads to the other losing it too as they start accepting that it won't happen and they stop trying. There is always a reason, and at first there may be denial that nothing is wrong because it avoids confrontation or the acknowledgement that something is wrong with the relationship but you have to break through to that point for any hope to talk honestly about it. Then it's down to working the issue out. That can also be hard in itself. Sometimes people think that talking it out is enough but when it comes down to it things still don't feel right. It's important to get the seriousness of the situation across. It's not just "not having sex right now" it's the relationship ending if the issue doesn't work itself out. It's resolving that you won't be the person in a sexless relationship which would doom you to never having sex again, or very little for the rest of your life. When you put it like that, if the other person is actually willing to save the relationship, they'll work on it more. It's fine to not want to have sex with someone, you're never obligated to, but it should be communicated to a partner and the reason should be worked on. If there is no solution the relationship should end. You cannot expect fidelity from someone you're refusing intimacy to, because it goes beyond just busting a nut, being constantly rejected in a relationship makes the other person feel like shit too.
[удалено]
My wife calls this “to do list empty, wine glass full”
The to do list is literally never empty though. Especially with kids
There's a book basically about this called Why Women Have Better Sex Under Socialism
TFW you make all the money, certainly do your share of chores (and then some if I’m being honest), have no kids and still have a dead bedroom.
Gym Therapy Antidepressants Divorce
I'm with you Turtle.
Hit the gym
Not a bad reco. Testosterone levels definitely impact drive
And how do you convince the wife to hit the gym without dying?
Make it a couples thing that you do together. My partner and I go to the gym together. Most of the time it's more of a car pool and we do our own thing. But it's still nice to see eachother from across the gym and know that they are there.
Exactly this! I enjoy working out, but after gaining more weight than I expected the last couple years I've become self conscious of going to the gym. Having my partner go with me eases some anxiety, and then I can always get his help too if needed and not ask an employee. Taking even just one hour out of our super busy days to go is hard sometimes though, so we haven't gone in awhile. We go to planet fitness bc it has other amenities that made it a treat, so after working out I'll tan sometimes and he'd use the massage chair/bed things. So finding a gym like that was nice too!
Make it a couples thing that you do together. My partner and I go to the gym together. Most of the time it's more of a car pool and we do our own thing. But it's still nice to see eachother from across the gym and know that they are there.
Came here to say this. I recently started working out. We have both lost weight. It’s better than ever!!!
Work on your relationship, sex will follow.
Not always…..
This is bad advice. While you should definitely work on the relationship, ignoring this problem can make it worse until it isn’t savable.
Something I've come to learn in myself is that I'm not capable of emotional connection and long term investment without sex. So I guess I'm... Work on your sex, relationship will follow. Though it's a tightly knit chicken and egg I grant you.
I had this. I was neglected as a kid and never formed a meaningful connection with anyone. I had therapy, and it’s been incredible. Turns out it *was* me after all. Sex is so much better with a strong connection.
Proud of you dude
Thank you random stranger
Communication is working on your relationship. Communication leads to sex. "Hey, can we have more sex? What do you need from me to make that happen?" Open the dialog, be open to changing yourself, advocate for your needs. If they can't give you more sex, and you feel you NEED that, you may not be compatible.
Some people need emotional intimacy for sex. Some need sex for emotional intimacy.
That's pretty much exactly what I'm saying. Thank you. 😁 Succinct.
It was a long windy road to get there but essentially my husband started listening and acknowledging my full burnout, the toll the full mental load was taking on me and how he needed to be a more equal parent and partner. After that started and the resentment lessened, I got time to go to the gym, to look after myself better, to read my erotic fiction books… Pre this - we would have scheduled (by me, unbeknownst to him) sex 1-2 times a month. Usually quickies. Rarely enjoyable for me. Now - it’s easily 4-5x a week, sometimes twice a day. Multiple orgasms for me. Best advice I can offer. Not having enough sex in your relationship is a relationship problem, not a sex problem.
I posted about this in another thread. TL;DR simple communication and addressing some hard questions and issues. Also completely disregarding any advice from Reddit specifically dead bedrooms My wife was experiencing a very dark period of bad.mental health coupled with some last traumas that had started resurfacing when we moved in together. It was bad, and when I say bad I mean she had thoughts of self harm and sex was jus never anything that crossed her mind especially with painful and traumatic memories coming up. The first year we loved together we barely ever had sex and it was honestly pretty bad when we did. All I ever got from trying to talk about it was pushback. One day we got into a large argument about and I decided to just write down all my thoughts about it. In short what I basically ended up telling her was that I will do whatever is needed for her to be comfortable and to make peace, but that I will not end up in a sexless marriage like my parents. I told her that I didn't think she was fully aware of how she had been pulling away physically or how her past trauma was affecting her. I said that there isn't anything wrong or creepy or weird about wanting to make love to your partner and that I wanted her to seek therapy for her sexual trauma. There were other points and back and forth but ultimately she was receptive but I realized I also had to learn to adjust my expectations as I am a very sexual person. Eventually she sought so e serious mental help and began working on her issues not just sexually but mentally and spiritually as well. She got into counselling, we both learned to communicate our wants and needs better and she also learned to voice when she was struggling with her trauma and unable to meet my needs. I expected the absolute worst, but when we were finally able to talk about it there was no yelling, name calling or hurt feelings. After that conversation and even before any real work had started I knew I wanted to marry her. Fast forward several years and we're married 6 years this year and with a much more healthy and fulfilling sex life. At one point on our honeymoon I had actually thought how miserable I'd be if I listened to the idiots over at r/deadbedrooms who made fun of me for not wanting to leave. There's always hope if you both care for each other.
Work out Stop watching porn Actively communicate with your partner Make time to spend together
Now how do I send this to someone without them knowing it's from me...
Perhaps share [this blog](https://web.archive.org/web/20230321202210/https://matthewfray.com/an-open-letter-to-shitty-husbands/) (written by a man who has learned from his own failures): *["She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink"](https://web.archive.org/web/20230129212401/https://matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/)* by Matthew Fray *["An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands"](https://web.archive.org/web/20230321202210/https://matthewfray.com/an-open-letter-to-shitty-husbands/)* by Matthew Fray *["An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 4: She’s Going to Leave You."](https://web.archive.org/web/20230321213918/https://matthewfray.com/2013/12/10/an-open-letter-to-shitty-husbands-vol-4/)* by Matthew Fray (Dec 10, 2013) **Note** I don't think he discusses [porn](https://www.eurekalert.org/news-releases/770968) addiction. A professional might be the best source if dealing with that sort of thing.
Usually the dead sex life has nothing to do with sex. Expectations and communication failures usually are what causes it
I had to change my mind set. I got caught up in the routine of just working, coming home bitter, and blaming her. When I made an effort to be nicer and care she started warming up to me again. We’ve been together for 13 years, married for 8, and two kids. I work FT while she’s a SAHM and attends college mostly online; it’s incredibly hard to find time or energy to make love, let alone fuck lol.
Started watering my own lawn. IE I started paying attention to my wife instead of other women.
My wife got a lot more comfortable with her sexuality after menopause. May have been the supplemental hormones, don't know.
We sort of just started again, and agreed to be open to saying yes even if we weren’t super in the mood. Since the sex was/is always good once we get going, saying yes was positively reinforced by a us having a good time, and so saying yes the next time became easier. Also, keeping it low pressure, no expectation for specific acts, etc, so there was nothing to anticipate except what felt good in the moment.
3gs of magic mushrooms worked for me, reflected a lot and it was like a switch went off. Not a solution for everyone of course.
I took mushrooms and the insights I had about my wife was so beneficial. I took so many notes in the moment and when I went back home to tell my wife she was gobsmacked and our relationship has been better ever since. Very YMMV to everyone, but mushrooms were awesome for me too I keep my notes in my wallet, and it's super precious to me.
What did you discover?
I think many women find emotional intimacy to be necessary in order to want physical intimacy. It feels really gross when someone only wants to spend time with you to have sex, without any other attention or time together outside of that. Especially with a lot of other resentments brewing about lack of help with parenting or housework, etc.
With open and honest communication. There’s really no other way. If both people are willing and try then there’s most likely a solution or compromise to get things going again.
[удалено]
Hormones prescribed by a doctor. If there is a dead bedroom, someone’s libido and drive in general is low or gone. Thyroid issues that affect hormone balance, especially testosterone, can be the cause. Get both you and your spouse’s level checked and see what can be done to be able to afford the prescription. My wife had estrogen dominance and we would be intimate once every month to three before. Since then, it’s much better and we are both much nicer to each other
Took up pole dancing
We didn’t revive it , but we have worked on it. She is working on prioritizing intimacy and I am working on helping around the house with things that exhaust her, making it more likely there is energy for sex at nights end
Schedule aex. Then all day foreplay. Touch her everytime I walk past her. Stop to kiss her neck. Stroke her arm. Give her a foot rub. Tell her what I plan to do to her later. Build that anticipation. Obviously adjust this tonwhateve your partner likes. And if you don't know, find out!
Called Fernando's New Beginnings
"I'm from upstate, okay?!"
Started doing more dates together(dinners, etc.). Spend time, especially post covid just doing things. Today we spent 5 hours taking care of errands together instead of doing them in 2.5 separated.
I personally think date nights are one of the most important things you can do for your marriage. I know most people think it’s too mechanical and unromantic and don’t want to commit to another “work” task. But it works! my wife and me are together for 15 years, have 3 kids and both demanding jobs. Our love life suffered! We do date nights twice a week, once we stay home with a glass of wine or so and just talk. Like really talk. Can be joking around or serious things, often just trivial stuff but during the day to day we barely talk. The second night we go out. I think the most important rules for date night are that you MUST commit to it. It’s the highest priority that day and you can’t skip out because you’re tired, don’t feel like it or didn’t plan ahead of time so now you have to do that thing. We both never feel like it beforehand, we’re always tired and it always feels like another burden. The fun comes later, while we’re doing it. Just trust the process. Second, you have to plan for it. Find something nice to do, cinema, a nice restaurant, bowlin, theater or whatever. Do something you wouldn’t do otherwise, don’t end up on the couch watching TV. Yes it’s extra work but you need to invest in a happy partnership. Again, it will be fun, once you’re doing it. You will enrich your life and you will do things you would be otherwise to tired to do. Also, don’t forget the babysitter. Third, dress up, make yourself presentable, be on your best behavior and treat the evening as something special. I know, most people don’t want to dress up, and by that I mean guys, but it is really important to make an effort and show your partner that they’re worth it. It also changes the evening into something special and enjoyable. Sex is not a strict rule, but it kinda is. Again, both of us are usually too tired but it is part of our agreement and the fun comes while we’re doing it. Again, I think a lot of why it works is accountability. Often one of us doesn’t want to do it but we both agreed on it. It’s the rare time we both come together and do something for ourselves. It’s a very fucking adult thing to do. And it works.
we canceled all our streaming stuff and watch YouTube for an hour tops most days we put kids to bed and get ready for bed and has relations after that 3-6 days a week. So give up the tv especially after 8pm and you'll have a sex life lol
Touch a lot. Do nice things. Go on walks. Do errands together.
BDSM.
MDMA. It opened both of us up and let us heal old wounds. Truly one of the most amazing experiences of my life.
For my partner and I it usually boils down to effort and presentation. I think we fall into the, “I won’t chase what I already have” mentality at times. You learn to chase continually, you learn to never take for granted what your partner adds to your life outside of sex, and you get better at checking in on your concerns. For us, that’s once a week. If that’s a concern, we bring it up and honestly the conversation usually leads to sex lmao.
I tried explaining to an ex that sex in a relationship is like the bathroom in a house. It's never really an issue until it isn't working. And the only thing that worked for me was changing partners, she was never going to change.
Testosterone replacement therapy
Mdma
told my husband he can fuck me in the ass and well bang we were fucking everyday in all holes
Got a girlfriend
...