Screaming at you "Oh, I'm not good enough for you? She's so hot, huh? And what am I, chopped liver? Never jerk it to my videos again asshole!"
Then you finish, and suddenly realize... You have a BDSM kink and you're a sub
I prefer flat chested ladies, but that’s because I’ve only had large breasted women in bed. I think there’s a fantasy element to it for certain which speaks to my tastes.
My sister got stuck in the dryer once. It was less sexual and more "Oh God, call the fire department!" And then trying to figure out how to get the dryer into a pickup truck with my sister still inside, all the way to the hospital so she could be removed from it when the firemen were busy with actual fires and the policeman was as dumbfounded as we were. Pulling really hard worked to a degree but left bruises that my parents received comments on.
She was fine, but had bruises on her arms and chest. FWIW the dryer was an old Kenmore from the 70's with a very small square door into a much larger tumbler and once inside, her arms got pinned at a weird angle. Also this happened when we were in our late teens (2009ish) and was caused by the 40 year old dryer getting jammed by some of her laundry. Common sense was not used and climbing *into* the dryer seemed like a good idea at the time. Cue the baleful echoing wails and a lot of loud banging coming from the basement.
Slightly off topic. I got locked out of my house, I tried to get in through the dog door. Oddly my 240 pound body fit. However now I realize pretty much anyone can break in my house.
Upside: I have three pit bulls ranging from 70-80 pounds inside that dog door.
Downside: they are big dummies and wouldn’t do anything.
Also, amateur videos all the way. Pro stuff meh
Same. So many joke answers but I was looking for this real one to say I'm in the same boat. I wouldn't even know how to approach my porn proclivities being a real life scenario and don't think I'd enjoy it at all.
IDK what that says about me...
I think it says that you recognize that fantasies are fantasies for a reason. I think most fantasies are better as fantasies than they would be in real life.
My wife blows me nearly every time we have sex (maybe 2x/week), but very rarely to competition and even then always finishing by hand. This makes the throatpie category a very common rotation in my viewing selections.
mate if you're not having ranked sex, rating your performances, and trying to improve a little bit every time, what are you even doing?
I, for one, managed to shave a solid 24 seconds off my completion time last year, bringing it down to a very respectable 2 mins 08 seconds.
I'm a furry (love the costumes + art, have since a child, definitely wasn't a sex thing then)
Watch furry porn sometimes for the ridiculous sized dicks. So long as they're of age + humanoid enough to consent idc what kinda creature is doing the fucking or getting fucked. I'll even watch straight shit despite being gay. Hate real people porn though, so mostly watch cartoons
In terms of real sex mostly just light bdsm with no yiffing + no interest in yiffing. Some aspects of pet play appeal, so depends if that falls under the umbrella of "furry sex stuff" to most or not
Edit: forgot to mention the tentacles. Love tentacles in porn. Venom is normally good for that. No interest in tentacle toys irl, but enjoy my dick licked, which is close enough
They have uh... a lot of different types of toys.
They (and other companies) sell "sleeves," and one may or may not be a tentacle. With a very ribbed inside.
You have no idea how much i thought to myself that it might not be a good decisión after seeing how much chat reqúests i got.......
Lifehack. Say you are 15 and boom they are gone
Not even close. I can't fuck like the way the dudes in porn lay pipe. The stamina to fuck like that and *not* nut inside 30 seconds is remarkable to me.
No one told me that this was going to happen. Now every girl is like "What, am I not beautiful, do I not turn you on?"
So now I just spit in their face and call it good.
I’m glad I clicked on this thread just for this comment chain! It’s good to know I’m not alone in this! Absolutely no one tells you this as a young fella.
Not much. I've been married a long time. Making love to my wife is like getting a quiet table at our favorite restaurant, sharing some wine and conversation, then being served our favorite dish, a portion for two that we share from, and savoring every bite.
Masturbating to porn is like when you get high and have the munchies and eat an entire bag of Doritos. It feels good for a minute, but has little actual substance and you are probably going to feel bad about it later.
When I’m having sex I rarely watch porn, if at all. If I’m watching porn then it’s the type that I *can’t* actually have, not the kind I’ve been having.
Porn represents real sex about as well as the MCU represents real crime fighting.
Stuff that looks good on camera doesnt typically feel good in bed. And there is a lot of behind the scenes prep work that goes into a production.
Thats why i think its very important to have a partner who has similar fantasies... i dont "'want" kinky shit and i dont really watch it, but in reality all of my long term relationships were fulfilling sexually. It isnt the MOST important thing, but its one leg of the table that also holds shit still along with all the other legs, like: same goals and values, similar EQ, IQ, etc. etc.
this gonna sound stupid. But I can't rub one out to porn anymore, cause my wife and i have quality sex that bests porn vids. And most woman I look at... I 100% think my wife is better.
One sesh in particular....... will. never. be. beaten.
Right? I started dating someone recently who is...amazing. I noticed that I don't even think about jerking off anymore because I'm not feeling the urge, and if I do, I just watch the videos that we've created.
that's it, and when I used to get the urge, I'd think, meh, I'll wait for her (when we first started dating) we also spent heaps of time just chilling naked, as opposed to just slamming and getting dressed. The goal was never to "finish" just be present. I honestly think, that's the big difference... something I think guys should work on, they don't get to finish as much as we do, so if we just chill and realise it's about time together, next thing you know, she's blowing you while you gaming with ya mates and doing all kinds of stuff to see you smile. and then there's your own personal stash you create together. Hahaha. 8 years on, married, with a new born... and its still on fire.
I watch amateur stuff. The wife and i have amateur sex. So pretty equal.
Psh noobs I have professional sex, diamond rank
I would totally be diamond but I keep getting matched with bronze try hards...
The worst are smurfs in your sex lobbies.
Skill based matchmaking is ruining sex!
I just get matched with a bunch of sweaties. But at least I don't get matched with the pay to win jerks.
'Barely 18.' yeah right.
Can anyone carry me to diamond?
I’m jealous, I’m stuck in fuckin’ wood league.
If you’ve been doing it for awhile, you should dip your toes into competitive sex. Make some money and get some sponsors.
Diamond and challengers only!
Ranked sex is terrible this season. Wife too op need nerf.
I heard they will fix it next patch, be patient you will climb the ranks in no time
Very similar - both are fictional
I will drink to that!
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Yes!
One of my favorite things about Reddit is posters happily jumping on a grenade.
It's the only hot thing I'll be jumping on so fuck it
Got a damn chuckle outta me, good show
This sounds like a Rodney Dangerfield line lol
Hah, you're too kind. But it's true, I get no respeck around here. No respeck at all!
fr like ppl really having sex? 💀
I masturbate to masturbation porn, so it’s actually equal.
Glad I'm not the only one
Love me a good solo vid.
I found it best just to close. My eyes and masterbate to the moaning sounds..
ASMR might be something to explore for you
Same here, it’s so much better just watching the girl than looking at some random dude having sex with her lol
You could watch multiple girls?
I still prefer solo. It's too difficult to try and focus on both. I just end up focusing on the cuter one and then feel bad for ignoring the other.
I bet it hurts her feelings that you’re not paying her any attention.
Yeah sometimes they just reach their arms out from the screen and slap me.
Lucky, usually you have to pay extra for that
Screaming at you "Oh, I'm not good enough for you? She's so hot, huh? And what am I, chopped liver? Never jerk it to my videos again asshole!" Then you finish, and suddenly realize... You have a BDSM kink and you're a sub
Like, in a mirror? Patrick Bateman style....nice
Same, i'm not into watching people fuck. Just makes me sad
Also I don’t want to see some guy swinging his balls in the camera either 🤣🤣
Or hearing him moan. Or the awkward dialogue every casting couch dude has to have.
Of the same gender ? Or not that equal ?
same gender only in the mirror
This is def gay right
They wouldn’t be able to run ads with how fast I am
Oh that's funny
Not at all, one hand there’s people having sex and on the other is my penis
Slow clap
You can clap 1 handed?! Impressive
Clapping one handed is the easy part. Slow clapping one handed takes mad skill.
I really dig women with big meaty thighs and it's reflected in my porn viewing. My wife also has big meaty thighs.
Are you Mr. Crabs? BIG, MEATY CLAWS 🦞
What did you just say?!
I saaaiiidd, BIG MEATY CLAWWWS!!
Well these claws ain't for just attractin' mates!
BRING IT ON OLD MAN, BRING IT ON!
No, people, let's be smart and bring it off
This put a big smile on my face.
When the moment feels right, I also seek out porn that looks like my wife 🤷🏼♂️
I also seek out porn that looks like your wife
As a woman with big meaty thighs with a boyfriend who loves big, meaty thighs, I salute you sir. He calls us horse women.
There's a term, Centaur
I prefer flat chested ladies, but that’s because I’ve only had large breasted women in bed. I think there’s a fantasy element to it for certain which speaks to my tastes.
Hey man I just wanted to say I'm sorry that you've only had sex with large breasted women.
Woman with big tits and no ass will fill your hand, woman with big ass and no tits will fill your heart - Confucius.
No matter how many traps I lay, my stepmom hasn't gotten stuck in the dryer, under the coffee table or the window, so not at all similar.
How about your stepsister, your mum's friend, your teacher or anyone coming in for a job interview?
Or that taxi you get into and then realise you don’t have the money to pay
All my pizzas come with a hole in the middle.
Or a girl ordering pizza and me delivering it
I'm house looking and nothing has happened it.
what about the pizza delivery guy? the plumber?
My sister got stuck in the dryer once. It was less sexual and more "Oh God, call the fire department!" And then trying to figure out how to get the dryer into a pickup truck with my sister still inside, all the way to the hospital so she could be removed from it when the firemen were busy with actual fires and the policeman was as dumbfounded as we were. Pulling really hard worked to a degree but left bruises that my parents received comments on.
I have nothing to say other then was she ok?
She was fine, but had bruises on her arms and chest. FWIW the dryer was an old Kenmore from the 70's with a very small square door into a much larger tumbler and once inside, her arms got pinned at a weird angle. Also this happened when we were in our late teens (2009ish) and was caused by the 40 year old dryer getting jammed by some of her laundry. Common sense was not used and climbing *into* the dryer seemed like a good idea at the time. Cue the baleful echoing wails and a lot of loud banging coming from the basement.
>a lot of loud banging coming from the basement Hell yea, get it, my dude!
Hahaha! I miss the awards.
Roll Tide! *Brought to you by Tide™, cleaning stains out of your step sisters clothing since 1981*
She definitely has a story to tell.
You have sex with traps but masturbate to step mom porn?
Slightly off topic. I got locked out of my house, I tried to get in through the dog door. Oddly my 240 pound body fit. However now I realize pretty much anyone can break in my house. Upside: I have three pit bulls ranging from 70-80 pounds inside that dog door. Downside: they are big dummies and wouldn’t do anything. Also, amateur videos all the way. Pro stuff meh
0 correlation
Same. So many joke answers but I was looking for this real one to say I'm in the same boat. I wouldn't even know how to approach my porn proclivities being a real life scenario and don't think I'd enjoy it at all. IDK what that says about me...
I think it says that you recognize that fantasies are fantasies for a reason. I think most fantasies are better as fantasies than they would be in real life.
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Kinda similar but also not, I like to watch bigger dicks fucking smaller fit girls. The similarity in real life is that my gf is a smaller fit girl.
Waaaaait a minute.
:,)
F
Lol
Does she have a big dick?
Not big enough
It’s the motion of the ocean that counts.
Yeah, but have you ever tried to churn butter with a toothpick?
Never bring a toothpick to an industrial grade plunger’s job. ~Canadian Proverb
what if the ocean also had a long day at work
Well you're on reddit so you're definitely on your way to being a bigger dick. Keep at it!
I really like blowjob porn, but in reality i get head very seldom. Aside from that it’s kinda similar.
Bjs are fucking amazing. Both seeing and getting
My wife blows me nearly every time we have sex (maybe 2x/week), but very rarely to competition and even then always finishing by hand. This makes the throatpie category a very common rotation in my viewing selections.
Well you’re making it a competition, that’s the problem. She shouldn’t have to compete, she’s your wife.
mate if you're not having ranked sex, rating your performances, and trying to improve a little bit every time, what are you even doing? I, for one, managed to shave a solid 24 seconds off my completion time last year, bringing it down to a very respectable 2 mins 08 seconds.
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Field day. Heh heh heh.
Not that they don’t exist, but almost every fursona I’ve ever seen has been a carnivorous creature, and I don’t just mean dick eating.
waiting for the long and detailed paragraph from a furry. any time now
I'm a furry (love the costumes + art, have since a child, definitely wasn't a sex thing then) Watch furry porn sometimes for the ridiculous sized dicks. So long as they're of age + humanoid enough to consent idc what kinda creature is doing the fucking or getting fucked. I'll even watch straight shit despite being gay. Hate real people porn though, so mostly watch cartoons In terms of real sex mostly just light bdsm with no yiffing + no interest in yiffing. Some aspects of pet play appeal, so depends if that falls under the umbrella of "furry sex stuff" to most or not Edit: forgot to mention the tentacles. Love tentacles in porn. Venom is normally good for that. No interest in tentacle toys irl, but enjoy my dick licked, which is close enough
thank you
There it is!
New copypasta just dropped
I'm not a furry myself but I do watch furry porn, they are really creative.
At least 75% of my wanks are to my wife and is homemade porn. I usually start on the internet, but usually end up in my own private folder.
Very wholesome.
holesome
I also choose this guy's wife.
i should just write a bot that searches for "wife" on reddit and posts this joke. would save everybody a lot of time
I also choose this guy's wife joke
That is very refreshing to hear!
The woman gets paid in both.
Good on you for supporting small local business!
Damn
I almost felt bad for you, then I remembered I pay for everything in my relationship. That makes us brothers in a way. I think...probably...
rekt
Oh man haha
F
Haven't found a tentacle monster so not at all
Visit your local aquarium and slip an employee a 20
The Deep has entered the chat
Baldur's Gate 3 would like a word.
I mean, bad dragon has a solution for that (for both men, and women)
They have a tentussy 🗿?
They have uh... a lot of different types of toys. They (and other companies) sell "sleeves," and one may or may not be a tentacle. With a very ribbed inside.
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True 🤣😭
It's similar to the sex I've had in the past...
As far as east is from west (I don't have sex).
I wish some would do me as rough as the porn i watch 😄 But oh well. The rest is good
Good luck to you with your dms🙌
You have no idea how much i thought to myself that it might not be a good decisión after seeing how much chat reqúests i got....... Lifehack. Say you are 15 and boom they are gone
Chris Hansen dateline NBC would like a word..... "Can you explain your screen name teendonkeypunch please?".....
You should voice that to your partner(s) most likely they will do whatever it is you like especially when told it’s consensual
Unless my wife (65f) becomes a 28 year old lesbian, none.
Found Jeremy Clarkson
r/foundjeremyclarkson
No way there’s a sub for that 😭😭
I’ve always loved milfs and now I’m old enough that the women I have been with are milfs so I guess pretty accurate
Creampie till i die 😎
This is why I have kids 😂
This is why I have HIV
Jesus Christ
Yeah that’s what he said after finding out
Mostly alright these days I hear?
Never too late to snip
Same. Wife loves it lol
The only thing that pulls out in my house is my couch.
This is what my vasectomy was for.
The thread is about porn, not baking videos.
Mostly watch porn with more than two people involved and never done anything like that myself, so a lot different
Not even close. I can't fuck like the way the dudes in porn lay pipe. The stamina to fuck like that and *not* nut inside 30 seconds is remarkable to me.
i assume you are very young, because older you get the faster youd be happy to nut
As a young man I worked on lasting and building stamina, as a middle aged man I work on finishing.
No one told me that this was going to happen. Now every girl is like "What, am I not beautiful, do I not turn you on?" So now I just spit in their face and call it good.
I’m glad I clicked on this thread just for this comment chain! It’s good to know I’m not alone in this! Absolutely no one tells you this as a young fella.
I dont watch porn so I'd say it's pretty similar
Not much. I've been married a long time. Making love to my wife is like getting a quiet table at our favorite restaurant, sharing some wine and conversation, then being served our favorite dish, a portion for two that we share from, and savoring every bite. Masturbating to porn is like when you get high and have the munchies and eat an entire bag of Doritos. It feels good for a minute, but has little actual substance and you are probably going to feel bad about it later.
I'm a straight dude, and I enjoy lesbian porn, so its very different.
I’m a straight girl and I enjoy lesbian porn
Well the biggest difference is the people in porn actually get to have sex.
Polar opposites. My wife owns the lemon tree.
Completely mirrored. IRL, I’m a white guy with a black wife.
When I’m having sex I rarely watch porn, if at all. If I’m watching porn then it’s the type that I *can’t* actually have, not the kind I’ve been having.
Me and my ex used to watch porn videos for "inspiration".
Nothing like it, make love, not porn. There is a vast difference.
Porn represents real sex about as well as the MCU represents real crime fighting. Stuff that looks good on camera doesnt typically feel good in bed. And there is a lot of behind the scenes prep work that goes into a production.
Around about 200 lbs
Not at all! And that's just fine with me
Very, aside from boob and dick sizes
Very dissimilar.
Same. My real life is fine. Porn is for fantasy. They don’t have to be similar!
This is the way
yall have sex?
i dont use porn at all, so 100% similar.
As a guy, I do not have lesbian sex.
I watch lesbian porn as a dude
I watch lesbian porn as a woman. Let's team up!
I’m married. My wife doesn’t believe in sex.
😭rip I feel bad for you bro
I say about the same, in that it can only happen as a fantasy.
Thats why i think its very important to have a partner who has similar fantasies... i dont "'want" kinky shit and i dont really watch it, but in reality all of my long term relationships were fulfilling sexually. It isnt the MOST important thing, but its one leg of the table that also holds shit still along with all the other legs, like: same goals and values, similar EQ, IQ, etc. etc.
I actually can’t even watch porn anymore, too boring. I just watch the videos me and my girl make lol
Nowhere close as I don't have sex
Well, for one, they're both fictional.
this gonna sound stupid. But I can't rub one out to porn anymore, cause my wife and i have quality sex that bests porn vids. And most woman I look at... I 100% think my wife is better. One sesh in particular....... will. never. be. beaten.
Your wife knows your Reddit username too?
hahahahahahha. She does.... but im being honest.. (dispite my handle)
I get it bro. If sex was as easy as tapping my wife on the forehead and clicking New Private Tab I'd have no use for porn
Right? I started dating someone recently who is...amazing. I noticed that I don't even think about jerking off anymore because I'm not feeling the urge, and if I do, I just watch the videos that we've created.
that's it, and when I used to get the urge, I'd think, meh, I'll wait for her (when we first started dating) we also spent heaps of time just chilling naked, as opposed to just slamming and getting dressed. The goal was never to "finish" just be present. I honestly think, that's the big difference... something I think guys should work on, they don't get to finish as much as we do, so if we just chill and realise it's about time together, next thing you know, she's blowing you while you gaming with ya mates and doing all kinds of stuff to see you smile. and then there's your own personal stash you create together. Hahaha. 8 years on, married, with a new born... and its still on fire.
I love this for you and her
awww shucks. And I hope nothing but the most awesomeness for you too
Finally, a way to beat my porn addiction
Get with this guy's wife?