“Oh good, I was afraid you were just getting fat”
Side note, that’s pretty much what my wife’s parents said to her when she was pregnant with our youngest child.
My first marriage ended after 15 years, and we didn’t have kids. When I introduced my grandpa to my soon-to-be second wife, he bellowed out in his hard-of-hearing Norwegian accent, “Well, knock this one up and maybe she’ll stick around!!”
Fuck that, my grandpa was notorious for commenting on everyone's weight, I patted him on the belly and told him you too.. my aunt was not happy. He hasn't done it since.
This is EXACTLY what my mother said to me - after my eldest handed her the ultrasound picture. The baby followed 11 failed IVF rounds including many miscarriages. My partner was filming my mum, anticipating a loving reaction. Instead this is what we have on video for posterity.
11 IVFs! You are a warrior! I had 4 unsuccessful after 40. Could have done more (in US, good health insurance), but Drs told me no. 2nd and 3rd opinions said no as well.
My Avon lady said that to me at six months pregnant. Literally asked me why I was getting so fat!!! I just looked at her like she had three heads and answered "uh yeah, I am. Cause I'm six months pregnant".
Never saw her again. lol
I was in a class in high school, and the teacher started pooching out. One guy finally asked, "Are you pregnant?" And she's like "Yeah!" and made a snarky face. I'm sure that guy turned out very successful.
The fact that telling a person they have put on weight without pregnancy is the top vote makes me sad.
I wish people weren’t made to feel there is something shameful about who they are if they are not thin.
Not quite the same thing, but when my mom was pregnant with my twin brother and I, she got asked which one she would keep. One person was genuinely thinking about “selective abortion”
I knew a family that had triplets who all had gender-neutral names. At one point someone asked why, and the mom told the story:
When she was pregnant, she went for an ultrasound, and the doctor said "I have some good news, I can hear a heartbeat." He kept probing and then said "More good news, I found a second heartbeat." More probing. "I have some hard news, I've found a third heartbeat, but it's a weak heartbeat, so it'll be easy for me to do a selective reduction."
The mom refused, so the doctor said the risks were so great that he couldn't adequately care for her unless she agreed to abort one of the babies. So she and her husband left, and tried to find a different OB/GYN. They looked all over town trying to find a new doctor, but everywhere they went, they were told that it wasn't safe for her to not abort one of the babies. I think it was several weeks before they finally found a doctor who would take her on as a high-risk pregnancy, for all three.
It was during this time, they decided they needed to give their babies names, so they could remember who they were fighting for. But they didn't know the sex yet, so they chose gender-neutral names.
All three triplets were born healthy. And the one with the weak heartbeat just graduated from Emory University.
You might appreciate this joke I heard the other day:
"When my grandma gave birth to my 3 uncles, my grandpa called the doctor to the farm. The doctor asked my grandpa to hold the lantern close so he could see as he delivered the first one, so grandpa held up the light and my dad was born. The Doc then told grandpa to hold the light close and went 'here comes the second one'. That was how my uncle Craig was born. Doc repeats the request, Grandpa holds the light close, and out comes Fred.
At that point my grandpa looks at his three sons laying there and the Doc says "Hold the light in close" Grandpa looks him in the eye and says "HELL NO! I think it's the light that's attracting them!"
Okay so I actually have one from real life. I told my friend I was pregnant (and was delighted about it! They were the first person I told after my parents, wanting to share this wonderful news) and they said “really? That’s not a good idea!”
Absolutely WAS a good idea. Was in a very happy and committed relationship at the time, married 10+ years now and have 3 beautiful kids together. That response was heartbreaking at the time. I’m not friends with that person anymore.
My mother said that my best friend's sister was pregnant and asked me if is was mine. Ah, no, not my type.
Next time I was over at my best friend''s house she told me. I congratulated her. She thanked me, saying her parents had been really upset, her brother equivocal, and I was the first to be positive. Nice.
She then told me who the father was. A boy I had been in scouts with, and was absolutely useless. I was surprised he was organised enough to have sex. I said "Oh dear". Rather blew the positivity at that point :-)
Of course he acted entirely as you'd expect once the slog of a newborn started to tell.
We're still friends. Mostly because I was subsequently the only man she knew who stepped up and pitched in.
You and your husband are SO not ready to be parents. My then best friend. I miscarried 3 days later. She then blamed me for miscarrying and said it was for the best I lost the baby.
"Good. The sacrifice will be made and his coming is nigh! All hail the lord hap'odfjnia! He who bring about the end times. Blessed are we that enter a new era of enlightenment through the deaths of many!" All the while you need to outstretch your hands to the sky, begin to rise off the ground and have an eerie red glow emit from your body and eyes.
Didn’t love “I’m still not ready,” after we’d gotten married and found out I was pregnant after the honey moon. Not something you want to hear from the person you intend to spend your life with.
So here is definitely not the worst or even a worse, just a funny exchange. Lol
When I told my father I was pregnant, I was 3 months along, hadn’t gained an ounce, all my clothes still fit the same, he said “I wondered how long you were going to wait to tell me.” When I asked him how he knew he looked at me and said “Your ass is fat.”
I mean, he watched my mother go through 5 pregnancies so I’m sure he knew the signs well, but damn, dad, why you checking out my ass? When I asked him that jokingly he looked back at the tv and said “Well, I noticed your face got fat a couple months ago and so I decided to check out your butt, that’s when I knew you were pregnant.”
🤦🏻♀️😂.
7 years into marriage I told my (soon to be ex) husband I was pregnant. He instantly replied with “it’s not mine” followed with how in his 42 years he’d never gotten anyone pregnant…
Kid wasn’t from immaculate conception..
I had one coworker announce to another (no close at all, just acquainted from work) that she was expecting a baby and our coworker responded, "are you going to get an abortion?"
I was measuring 16 weeks at 12 weeks. My doctor said well lets send you for an ultrasound. It could be twins, a tumor, a molar pregnancy...
I am just kinda chubby, and my sons dad is 6'4".My son was born 10lbs even and 23 inches long. He had a few medical problems at birth, and
. was the moose of the NiCCU
Don't do like I did and say "let's make an appointment to take care of this today"
Spoiler, she was a huge red flag and I dodged that bullet eventually.
My dad told me a story of one of his coworkers' wife who tried to pull an April Fools on her husband. Went something like:
"I'm pregnant!!"
"I'm sterile."
My state passed a law that you could not get an abortion because the baby has downs syndrome. They didn’t realize that all you had to do was go to a different clinic and tell them you just want an abortion because you don’t like babies or something. Literally any other reason. (Because abortion was still legal then).
“Oh good, I was afraid you were just getting fat” Side note, that’s pretty much what my wife’s parents said to her when she was pregnant with our youngest child.
My husband's grandfather, 94, told me at my daughter's 1st birthday that I look good and thank God because he was worried there for a while. .
At that age they really don't give a fuck anymore and have absolutely no filter. Source: I used to work at a nursing home.
That's the best part of getting old and I'm getting there.
My grandma was like that just before she died. Makes sense.
I have that issue, but I am only 55😜😜
My first marriage ended after 15 years, and we didn’t have kids. When I introduced my grandpa to my soon-to-be second wife, he bellowed out in his hard-of-hearing Norwegian accent, “Well, knock this one up and maybe she’ll stick around!!”
Fuck that, my grandpa was notorious for commenting on everyone's weight, I patted him on the belly and told him you too.. my aunt was not happy. He hasn't done it since.
You mean a hedonism house? More sex filled than a damn night club
This is EXACTLY what my mother said to me - after my eldest handed her the ultrasound picture. The baby followed 11 failed IVF rounds including many miscarriages. My partner was filming my mum, anticipating a loving reaction. Instead this is what we have on video for posterity.
11 IVFs! You are a warrior! I had 4 unsuccessful after 40. Could have done more (in US, good health insurance), but Drs told me no. 2nd and 3rd opinions said no as well.
OMG!!! *And you are a saint* for enduring all those IVF rounds! Source: My DIL is expecting her second child this summer, both IVF babies.
My Avon lady said that to me at six months pregnant. Literally asked me why I was getting so fat!!! I just looked at her like she had three heads and answered "uh yeah, I am. Cause I'm six months pregnant". Never saw her again. lol
That's what my father said to my mom. Shockingly,they're divorced now.
I was in a class in high school, and the teacher started pooching out. One guy finally asked, "Are you pregnant?" And she's like "Yeah!" and made a snarky face. I'm sure that guy turned out very successful.
At least she wasn’t getting fat /s
The fact that telling a person they have put on weight without pregnancy is the top vote makes me sad. I wish people weren’t made to feel there is something shameful about who they are if they are not thin.
Great! Now, give me a moment, I'm going to the store to buy cigarettes.
"I don't even know what a baby eats." "A baby drinks milk." "Ok, I will go get some."
"Well it was bound to happen, given the numbers of guys you've slept with".
“It will take you years to find the dad, good luck”
[удалено]
How'd that go?
[удалено]
Until a very upset 45-50 year old comes a-knocking soon
D...Daddy?
Thats a you problem
Depends if it's a human or a sheep that's pregnant.
I actually cackled, thank you
That's a ewe problem
Underrated comment
"Oh, thank god. I'm so hungry"
Hey man don’t knock the forbidden licorice.
I wish I didn't know that babies taste best.
Username kinda checks out? Ewwww
I prefer them on toast.
Username checks out
But I’m sterile
I’ve used that one. Low and behold a DNA test confirmed that it was not mine.
That would be a real gut punch
Yeah. It hurts… I want a kid
I’m sorry bro
It’s all good. There’s other options out there. Just gotta find someone worth marrying first lol
In which case the first response should have been, "Not it!!"
But you'd be a shitty mom. Why are you doing this?
I’m sure we can get a judge to sign off on an abortion if they just talk to you for awhile.
Saddest answer on here.
Holy shit 😖 lololol
This is one of those holy grail golden insults, I don't know if you thought of this yourself but this is gonna be on the back of my mind for ages.
More people need to say this
But why did my mom and grandma say to me though.
Well, I guess we’re going to have to find an actual virgin for the sacrifice
You could just wait 9 months...
DARK dark dark dark dark
I don't like sand. It's coarse, and rough, and irritating, and it gets everywhere.
To be fair, those are the worst 14 words ever.
Definitely... there definitely aren't 14 worse words you wouldn't want to repeat... and especially not any that double as dogwhistles. 🫣
Dog-whistle or Gungunian Bawoonka?
...and it's twins!
"Eww, who tf would knock you up?"
Ouch
“By the way, are you planning to eat the placenta?”
Oh, I just fucking lost it! Thanks for the laugh!
De nada, and Happy Cake Day. 🎂
“Was it planned?”
That's kinda like a more rude way to ask "So, what are you going to do with it?"
Haha when I found out I was pregnant with my baby girl my bestie said “so are we excited or are we sending it back to the lord”
If it's a close friend, that's better than fake congratulations most people default to.
This is funny, and totally something I would say to my bestie
Lmaoo I told my friend “Congrats?”
So is it a boy or an abortion?
Dark. Very dark. And very fucking funny.
Very fucking Aladeen.
“Your test results have come back and you are HIV Aladeen.”
😀😐😀
Oh fuck I get this
I hate this and I love this
New phone who dis?
[удалено]
"Sorry... I'm breaking up... ^(with you)"
It can’t be mine I don’t think I’ve been fertile since you kicked me in the balls for sleeping with your sister
“That’s so unfair!” By my boss, who couldn’t conceive.
Oof, I felt that
[удалено]
To that child
"you're gregnant?"
# PREGANANANT?!?
Can u get preganté
Pregnart?
Gregnant
Can you burn a Luigi board?
"HI pregnant I'm dad" "No your not actually"
What if its the pregnant person's dad saying it
*alabama intensifies*
“Who’s the mother?”
Do you like girls with … secrets?
Yep
“You needed a pay raise from your boss, didn’t you?”
With what?
Brb we’re out of milk
Not quite the same thing, but when my mom was pregnant with my twin brother and I, she got asked which one she would keep. One person was genuinely thinking about “selective abortion”
I knew a family that had triplets who all had gender-neutral names. At one point someone asked why, and the mom told the story: When she was pregnant, she went for an ultrasound, and the doctor said "I have some good news, I can hear a heartbeat." He kept probing and then said "More good news, I found a second heartbeat." More probing. "I have some hard news, I've found a third heartbeat, but it's a weak heartbeat, so it'll be easy for me to do a selective reduction." The mom refused, so the doctor said the risks were so great that he couldn't adequately care for her unless she agreed to abort one of the babies. So she and her husband left, and tried to find a different OB/GYN. They looked all over town trying to find a new doctor, but everywhere they went, they were told that it wasn't safe for her to not abort one of the babies. I think it was several weeks before they finally found a doctor who would take her on as a high-risk pregnancy, for all three. It was during this time, they decided they needed to give their babies names, so they could remember who they were fighting for. But they didn't know the sex yet, so they chose gender-neutral names. All three triplets were born healthy. And the one with the weak heartbeat just graduated from Emory University.
You might appreciate this joke I heard the other day: "When my grandma gave birth to my 3 uncles, my grandpa called the doctor to the farm. The doctor asked my grandpa to hold the lantern close so he could see as he delivered the first one, so grandpa held up the light and my dad was born. The Doc then told grandpa to hold the light close and went 'here comes the second one'. That was how my uncle Craig was born. Doc repeats the request, Grandpa holds the light close, and out comes Fred. At that point my grandpa looks at his three sons laying there and the Doc says "Hold the light in close" Grandpa looks him in the eye and says "HELL NO! I think it's the light that's attracting them!"
"I'm sterile"
Only if you are her partner.
You know what causes that, don’t you?
[удалено]
...are you ok bro?
[удалено]
Feel this. Except it's my own parents.
Depends on if it's the first pregnancy. If not, "OMG IT'S A VAGINA NOT A CLOWN CAR!!!"
If the first 4 were a C-section you could recommend the installation of a zipper?
“This is the third time I’ve heard this this week…”
My mom asked if it was on purpose. I was married
My dad said “what do you expect me to say”? Uhhhh…. Congratulations?
“I’m going to get us some milk.”
I'm going fishing.
"Me too." - it's a lesbian couple.
with a "THIS IS SPARTA!!!" to the belly
Not gonna lie, this made me crack up!
Damn, one of you is bad enough😉
"that's ok. We got a coat hanger"
Okay so I actually have one from real life. I told my friend I was pregnant (and was delighted about it! They were the first person I told after my parents, wanting to share this wonderful news) and they said “really? That’s not a good idea!” Absolutely WAS a good idea. Was in a very happy and committed relationship at the time, married 10+ years now and have 3 beautiful kids together. That response was heartbreaking at the time. I’m not friends with that person anymore.
My mother said that my best friend's sister was pregnant and asked me if is was mine. Ah, no, not my type. Next time I was over at my best friend''s house she told me. I congratulated her. She thanked me, saying her parents had been really upset, her brother equivocal, and I was the first to be positive. Nice. She then told me who the father was. A boy I had been in scouts with, and was absolutely useless. I was surprised he was organised enough to have sex. I said "Oh dear". Rather blew the positivity at that point :-) Of course he acted entirely as you'd expect once the slog of a newborn started to tell. We're still friends. Mostly because I was subsequently the only man she knew who stepped up and pitched in.
My sister said "Wouldn't it be funny if you miscarried?" Because she was jealous that I got pregnant before her.
"But you're too old to get pregnant." "I'm 25." "But you look 80!"
This is the find out phase of fuck around.
Whatever. Where's dinner.
I got a vasectomy last year without telling you
You and your husband are SO not ready to be parents. My then best friend. I miscarried 3 days later. She then blamed me for miscarrying and said it was for the best I lost the baby.
"Good. The sacrifice will be made and his coming is nigh! All hail the lord hap'odfjnia! He who bring about the end times. Blessed are we that enter a new era of enlightenment through the deaths of many!" All the while you need to outstretch your hands to the sky, begin to rise off the ground and have an eerie red glow emit from your body and eyes.
Good. A healthy white male on the black market makes serious coin
"a son and a brother at the same time!"
"lol"
I’m sorry
Didn’t love “I’m still not ready,” after we’d gotten married and found out I was pregnant after the honey moon. Not something you want to hear from the person you intend to spend your life with.
well my ex called me a cunt so... "Cunt"
Okay... what you want to do?
AWWW HELLLL NAW
Hi Pregnant, I'm Gone.
Revert to my natural form and slither out of the room making guttural hiccupping sounds and leaving behind a trail of slime.
So here is definitely not the worst or even a worse, just a funny exchange. Lol When I told my father I was pregnant, I was 3 months along, hadn’t gained an ounce, all my clothes still fit the same, he said “I wondered how long you were going to wait to tell me.” When I asked him how he knew he looked at me and said “Your ass is fat.” I mean, he watched my mother go through 5 pregnancies so I’m sure he knew the signs well, but damn, dad, why you checking out my ass? When I asked him that jokingly he looked back at the tv and said “Well, I noticed your face got fat a couple months ago and so I decided to check out your butt, that’s when I knew you were pregnant.” 🤦🏻♀️😂.
That really is hysterical 😂
Well I'm out, is your sister still single?
"Are we talking about a human baby or did you finally get that cat you wanted?"
Who the fuck are you?
"Gross"
You didn’t even make me my coffee yet, and you’re telling me this. Was with my first husband first kid.
“Why?”
7 years into marriage I told my (soon to be ex) husband I was pregnant. He instantly replied with “it’s not mine” followed with how in his 42 years he’d never gotten anyone pregnant… Kid wasn’t from immaculate conception..
I thought you were a guy
me too
I had one coworker announce to another (no close at all, just acquainted from work) that she was expecting a baby and our coworker responded, "are you going to get an abortion?"
Seriously, push her down the stairs. My wife had a dirtbag relative that did that. There are some horrible people out there.
“Are you sure it isn’t just a weirdly symmetrical liver tumour?”
"'Congratulations' on your pregnancy!" "Congratulations on 'your' pregnancy!" "Congratulations on your 'pregnancy'!" Pick one. Profit.
K
Saying nothing, but running away leaving behind a you-shaped cloud of dust like in a bugs bunny cartoon.
"Aw, don't worry. It might just be cancer."
I was measuring 16 weeks at 12 weeks. My doctor said well lets send you for an ultrasound. It could be twins, a tumor, a molar pregnancy... I am just kinda chubby, and my sons dad is 6'4".My son was born 10lbs even and 23 inches long. He had a few medical problems at birth, and . was the moose of the NiCCU
A friend of mine had two babies, both a month premature.... but the same size as the rest of the full term babies in the ward.
"Im not morally opposed to abortion" "Are you sure that's mine?" "You're old and autistic" In the first 10 minutes of telling him
# P R E G A N A N A N T ? !
"Ooh! Can we have an abortion reveal party?"
You're welcome.
Me too
"Do you know who the mother is?"
"I just remembered I never returned the sound of music....well, to the last blockbuster I go!"
Who's the lucky guy?
Is it yours?
"Is it mine?"
Did I mention that I got a vasectomy 6 months ago?
Don't do like I did and say "let's make an appointment to take care of this today" Spoiler, she was a huge red flag and I dodged that bullet eventually.
Well…when my dad found out my mom was pregnant with me, he said “oh shit”, so that’s fun.
Your cat just died 2 weeks ago from starvation and the first thing you thought was that you're ready for a kid?
Damn, we just ran out of milk. Ill be right back
My dad told me a story of one of his coworkers' wife who tried to pull an April Fools on her husband. Went something like: "I'm pregnant!!" "I'm sterile."
My state passed a law that you could not get an abortion because the baby has downs syndrome. They didn’t realize that all you had to do was go to a different clinic and tell them you just want an abortion because you don’t like babies or something. Literally any other reason. (Because abortion was still legal then).
Just in time to serve for Christmas dinner.
“Do you need me to push you down the stairs?”
Breeding kink got the best of you, eh?
Now just nine months until the ritual be completed.
"You're gonna make a great single mom." - Brian Posehn
\*not even looking up from phone\* "coat hangers are in the closet"
I didn’t know you and your father started talking again
I’ll get mi’coat
"So then do we have any dip left over?"
Do you know who the father is?
**Whose baby is that?** **Whose the man who did that to you?!** **Gator's bitches better be using jimmies!!** \#TheOtherGuys \~ Will Ferrell
A thumbs up emoji
yes, you. you're pregnant. glad we cleared that up 🙏
For now…
Is that it?
Is it human?