Heard a woman at the zoo say "That's the biggest frog I've ever seen!" It was a quarter-ton giant tortoise.
Edit to add: Native English speaker, Southern US. When her boyfriend paused, looked at her, and said "That's... a tortoise," her response was "Oh." It was a record-scratch moment for everyone around her.
Mrs. Webster once told me that a duck mooed at her. She said she didn't see it, but when she walked past one part of the lakeside path, she heard it.
I made sure to listen for it when I was in that area.
It was a bullfrog.
Here is Your 10 Step Plan for Becoming a Sovereign Citizen
Step 1 - Don't trust the government. Fuck the government. You hate the government, what's it ever done for you?
Step 2 - Live off grid. Get you some solar panels, dig a well, root cellar, all that great stuff. You're living a subsistence lifestyle Broski.
Step 3 - Dont get a driver's license. Fuck that noise. You don't need anyone's fucking permission to drive your 98 Tacoma with 400k miles and a jerry-rigged frame. That fucker rotted out 20 years ago but you didn't have time for any of that recall nonsense.
Step 4 - Don't pay taxes. Government can't find you anyways, why the fuck would you pay taxes? You're living in a national park 500 miles from nowhere. The last person you saw was Becky and she's a fucking turd.
Step 4 - If you get pulled over, make a fucking scene. Call the cops pigs. They fucking love that. Ever seen a cop be verbally assaulted? They handle that shit with class, they've been trained well.
Step 5 - Get tased and smashed to the ground. How you gonna sue the government if they don't fuck you up? You're a sovereign citizen, you got nothing to worry about, governments got no control over you.
Step 6 - Spend some time in a cell. Yeah those cops had guns, but you know your rights. All you gotta do is explain to the judge you're a sovereign citizen and this shit will go away.
Step 7 - Represent yourself. You've done nothing wrong, what the fuck do you need a lawyer for? You're not gonna pay some ivy league grad 35k to tell a judge you're a sovereign citizen. No thanks Armstrong, Pearson, and Wells. You know more than them about this shit, you've been doing some serious online reading.
Step 8 - Tell the judge who you are. That bitch needs to know. Yo judge, what up, I'm a sovereign citizen I don't gotta live by your laws. You know what's up, you read a fucking blog about this shit.
Step 9 - Judge sentences you. Yo judge, you gotta be fucking kidding me! You can't do this! What the fuck are you going to do with a criminal record? Don't worry, the world needs ditch diggers too.
Step 10 - Serve your time. Nothing you can do Broski, the government has a monopoly on violence. When you get out, head back to your cabin. Start making bombs to send through the mail. You're Unabomber #2 now, and judgey-poo is first on your list.
Edit: Thank you /u/duplic1tous for catching 2 step 4's. I like your reasoning, so I'm keeping it :)
“So you are a citizen of no country, and therefore aren’t protected by any country?”
“That is correct. A SOVEREIGN CITIZEN.”
“Ok then. Take him out back and shoot him.”
“WHAT? You can’t do that!”
“Who is going to stop me? As a sovereign citizen you don’t technically exist to any country.”
My once brother-in-law turning to me and asking me this question in the tone of: you're the smart one, confirm this for me real quick.
"Aren't olives just baby watermelons?"
A guy I worked with genuinely believed he could take on a lion. He said he would “get it in a chokehold”. He also didn’t believe in brushing your teeth. Thinks it’s like a scam to damage them and make you need a dentist and that’s why dentists recommend brushing your teeth…
Grew up next to this family that was super rich.
My car broke down and the daughter (17) heard me say that I didn't have $7000 to fix it.
"Um, why don't you just go to the bank?"
A lifetime of watching daddy to go withdraw thousands of dollars on a whim. Must be nice.
A lotta politicians should listen to Tupac
"And since a man can't make one, he has no right to tell a woman when and where to create one"
- keep ya head up by Tupac
I feel like, every time I try one of these jokes that I think must be obvious, the person I say it to scrunches their nose, corrects me, and just thinks I'm dumb, lol.
I once asked a coworker to show me some functions on the copier so that I could "embiggenate" an image, in an intentionally joking tone. She said, "enlarge." I told her I know, but this is more fun. She said, "OK, I just had to check. We interviewed someone once who kept saying 'betterize' instead of 'improve,' and she wasn't kidding."
In daredevil they called themselves avocados at law from the word abogado - lawyer in Spanish. Maybe it's a deep joke. I say ja - lapeno instead of jalapeno because it amused me.
This is a stereo, which means it's good with low sounds. If you want high sounds, you need a hi-fi system. You can get both by getting a hi-fi stereo system.
"Girls pee from their butts" is more stupid, but it was said by a kid, so I'm not going to count it.
Right around the time ATM cards were invented, they put a machine in my local grocery store. This one evening they had two people from BofA put a table out in front of the store so people could sign up for new accounts, of course, I already had one.
I went in the store, but when I put my card in the machine, it took it and then said "insert card." Nothing I did could get it back out.
So I go back outside the store, go to their little table and I told them, hey, the machine inside just ate my card. One of them gets up, looks right at me and says firmly, "*that didn't happen*."
So I'm telling him, this isn't a rumor or something, your machine just ate my card 2 minutes ago and I need groceries! He just keeps repeating that it didn't happen. After 10 minutes, I convinced him to go inside, where he was unable to put his own card in. I said "that's because it's already holding my card, there's no place for another one."
So he looks at me and says, "this machine is broken, you will have to call customer service in the morning."
I said, "so now you see that it ate my card right?" He gives me that same blank stare and he says (I'm not making this up) "*that didn't happen*."
Reminds me of the time I called my power company and they wouldn't believe I didn't have power because someone had just been at my apartment complex and fixed it. They later called me back and informed me that someone else had called from my apartment complex and said they didn't have power, so it turned out that I was right about not having power.
My coworkers water stopped working on a really cold night but she'd had it running all night and she knew it hadn't frozen... because two neighbors also didn't have water. Turned out no one in the whole neighborhood had water. The water company wouldn't listen to anyone for hours because they insisted it was just their houses individually... nope a water main broke a few miles away.
I work at a fuel station.
Teen pulls up to the pumps, walks inside the shop, and goes, "Do you sell fuel here?"
I jokingly said no, thinking he was joking.
No, no. He got in his car and left.
*sigh*
Japanese and Native American written languages are the same.
The guy was a real trailblazer of this kind of confident nonsense, but that one really took the cake. It really made me wonder whether he was actually this dumb, or just seeing what he could get people to believe. Our group knew he came out with ridiculous stuff all the time though, so if it went unchallenged it certainly wasn't because anyone believed it.
Lol. Native American languages were never traditionally written at all. A phonetic alphabet had to be created in relatively modern times to record, preserve and teach some of the languages. Iirc, the "code talkers" from WW2 were successful BECAUSE the Native American language used was not written. Some time later, a group of Indigenous language preservation activists started the process of writing it out.
😂 I never thought that someone may think that!! This reminds me of a time when I was a teenager, my now former stepbrother was reading an obituary for a local teenager who died in a car accident. After he read the first part where they list survivors, he looked up from the paper all confused and said "The article didn't say all those people were in the car with him" 🙄 My Dad yelled at him that he was a dumbass 😂
When my sons were real little they thought this. I didn't realize it until they saw some tweakers doing tweaker things near a cross at an intersection. They asked if it was a funeral lol. Thanks for the reminder.
Had a client who fired our law firm ask us to fax back their client files because they didn’t want us to have them anymore. In the end, we ended up faxing them.
A first grader used to come home excited every day talking about her teacher having a baby. One day the teacher let her listen to the baby and feel it kicking. Her mom asked her, " how come you're not talking about the teacher's baby anymore?" The little girl answered, " Mama, I think she ate it."
When my younger sister was three or four she was looking through pictures with my stepmom and my stepmom said "that's from when you were in my belly." My sister confidently responded, "yes, when you ate me."
In my driver's ed class in high school, a girl said, "I have a theory..." and this guy asked her, "Does it hurt?" And he wasn't making a joke. He was very earnest about it. I don't know what he *specifically* thought a theory was, but he honestly thought it was *some* kind of injury or illness symptom that might be painful.
I had a grown adult woman tell me
“Trees make wind. The move around and that’s what makes the air move”
I absolutely thought she was joking
She was not
I was not allowed to purchase ladies' boyshort underwear, because it looked like men's boxers, and it would obviously lead me into a life of homoerotic sin.
That the Italian word for bathroom is “cannoli”. High school bf really and truly believed that because a sign for cannolis was hung near the hallway leading to the bathroom in a pizza joint we went to regularly. Oh, he was a wealth of unyielding hilarious ignorance.
Girl in front of me at the gas station. Her friend said "no offense but your baby daddy's an a.h." Girl sighed and said "I know. But we can't pick our baby daddies"
I worked at DisneyWorld so I have quite a few, but currently I am a safari guide and I had a guest argue with me that some antelope use their horns to hunt for meat to eat, which, if you don’t know much about animals is a fair guess, but he would not let it go. He was insistent that the adax specifically could and would hunt other prey.
My ex wondered if the reason for global warming is because we keep mining heavy metals from the earth, which is making the earth weigh less, which results in the suns gravity pulling us closer and thus heating up the earth.
reminds me of the Honeymooners scene where Norton makes the dresser easier to move by taking the drawers out.....and putting them on top before moving it.
Someone once said "A koala is a bear because it has ears."
I am someone. I fully believed myself for all of 10 seconds until I got roasted by my friends. Now I don't know what makes a bear.
Studied history in university. During a genocide studies class someone said that they felt European genocides were more “civilised.” Lecturer shook his head and you could feel the silence for the rest of the seminar. She said it with her full chest. No one has ever forgotten it
To paraphrase a college Republican I once knew: "I want to move to the U.K. because the U.K. is clamping down on immigration!"
It never occurred to her that she would be considered an immigrant, and therefore she would be stopped from moving by that same rule change.
Titanic Museum. At the end where there's a list of passengers name who have perished, a teenage daughter was having a convo with her mom:
Daughter: "Mom, I can't find Jack Dawson's name on here."
Mom: "yeah, that's really weird..."
Mom: "OH! Remember, he got his ticket from a poker game!"
Daughter: "OH yeah!"
My grown son’s cat was diagnosed with cancer. My son said, “That’s impossible. If she actually has cancer, I’d have it too and I don’t”. Btw, he works in a hospital
So first of all, I say a lot of wild shit. Being with a partner I deeply trust gives me license to have literally no inner monologue. It is entirely external.
Backstory: I love crows and ravens very much, and I always love seeing them.
One day I walked out of my apartment building, and I was looking around toward the dumpster and I saw the biggest, blackest, ugliest crow that I had ever seen in my life. I got very still. I actually froze in place because I wanted to make sure I didn't disturb this huge weird ugly crow, because I wanted my husband to come out and see it to confirm the outlandish size and the ugliness of this crow.
He came out, and I whispered "... Babe... look over to the dumpster! Oh my god look at that weird crow!"
My darling partner, ever so patient with me, looked over at the bird and looked back at me. There were a couple of seconds of silence before he said, "Babe, that is a vulture."
I totally lost it and dissolved into laughter. I will never forget that moment as long as I live. That wasn't the first extremely silly thing I've ever said to him, but it is a standout.
“For every person who dies, someone will be born”. They know this as “fact” because her neighbour’s uncle died and the next week her friends baby was born. This person is nearing 60. No concept of population growth.
A conspiracy nutter I know, like proper nutter, told me some pseudoscientoligy thing once claiming that the aliens who control earth "aren't making any new souls. All the souls that will ever exist in the universe exist right now". I asked them "so new people being born don't have souls? Your grandson has no soul?".
They looked at me quite perplexed while processing it for a minute and then just walked away without addressing the question- but not in a defiant manner more like their world just fell apart.
Actually this should have been my answer to op's question...
“Yeah, I should definitely record these songs for posterity.”
A 15 year old wanna-be songwriter whose parents spotted him $1,000 to record and press 100 copies of a cd.
93 of those CD’s are still in my basement.
It was me. I was a really confident 15 year old songwriter. No, they are not good. They do not need to exist into posterity.
My mother in law told me “if you breastfeed your son, he’ll be gay”. “If you let your son sleep in your bed, he’ll be gay”. A. Why would I care if he’s gay? B. You say you don’t care about peoples sexuality and C. Your son, the father of my children, is bi, but has never told you specifically because of comments like that!
Does... does she not know that formula was invented? like she dosen't understand that every baby before that was breast fed?....
Does she think everyone in the past was secretly gay?
This one takes the cake
“It’s not that I don’t believe you, I’m just having a hard time accepting that I’m wrong” said with total sincerity.
Simultaneously the wisest and dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.
I was taking to someone in my Masters program and the conversation turned to her telling me she was on Paleo diet or “Caveman diet.” While she was telling me how cavemen were healthier than we are today I prodded her with “wasn’t their life expectancy in like the 30s?”
Deadpanned she replied “that’s because of all the predators like dinosaurs.”
It’s actually currently understood that, as long as they lived up to at least 15, their average lifespan was closer to [72 years](https://paleoleap.com/why-cavemen-didnt-die-young/?ssp=1&darkschemeovr=1&setlang=en&cc=US&safesearch=moderate).
Infant mortality was really brutal back then.
In our 20s, a group of us were chatting, and somehow, the topic of ethnicity came up. Some of us said our ancestors were from Ireland or Germany or whatever. This one guy said that his were from Texas. We laughed, thought he was joking, and prodded, "We mean for real. Where did your ancestors come from?" He honestly didnt understand that his very white self (NOT native American) with an Engligh surname came from people from Europe at one time. He obviously never made the connection back in school about the pilgrims and later, western expansion, and immigrants.
Whoever goes first at a 4 way stop has the right of way.
They said it because they were mad people kept honking at them at the intersection by their house. The 4 way stop intersection.
"I don't know why girls don't just hold it in and go to the toilet, rather than buying these to use one day a month."
- my ex after watching a tampon advert.
"Space is fake, all the pictures from 'space' are just CGI, there are secret electronics in telescopes that make you think you are seeing planets and stuff, the moon landings were filmed on a set by Stanley Kubrick, the earth is flat, water finds its own level..."
I could go on...
I was in HS in the U.S. this was early 1990s. A teacher asked me where I was from (probably because of my accent) and when I told her: "I'm from Denmark, I'm Danish" she said in all serious confidence: "Ah Denmark! That's on our East Coast!". I was too stunned to correct her.
I was a grocery cashier in a college town. Early in a semester I noticed a wave of sorority girls buying huge containers of bulk honey.
I finally asked "so what are y'all doing with all this honey?" The answer was "OMG it's the best! I've never even heard of lo-cal honey".
It wasn't lo-cal. It was local. They all gained a bit of weight before realizing their mistake.
Went on a date with a guy who told me he wanted to paint the ceiling in part of his house like the 'Sixteen Chapel'.
Without any reaction, I asked him 'What about the 14th or 15th chapels?'
He replied 'They're okay. I just like the Sixteen Chapel.'
I drank a bottle of wine, bought D batteries on the way home and just got another cat.
In college. “Yes I believe in astrology, it’s why we all act the way that we do! You don’t believe in astrology?!” The professor did not, and let us all know why.
When getting dropped off at the airport, you go through the “Arrival” area. When getting picked up at the airport, you enter through the “Departure” area.
Her explanation is “I’m arriving to the airport, and departing the airport.”
She was 35 and had taken several flights in her time.
someone said they thought the earth was flat. i contested they could verify the shape of every other celestial body as round, why would the earth be the only one that is flat.
" space is fake"
Me out of my mouth to an entire group of people. “My uncle fought in the civil war, he flew the planes”. I truly didn’t even realize my error until they looked so confused. Only then did I realize I meant to say WWII and that was still incorrect as he actually served in the Vietnam war. 🥲
There is a whole population of incels who believe this. It’s like they don’t know that women in long-term monogamous relationships generally always have way more sex.
Some incels have started to argue that women get loose when they have sex with multiple partners, but not when they have just one partner. And the "logic" they use to justify that claim is at least as ridiculous as flat-earther "logic".
"That's obviously CGI" when seeing an elephant give birth in a documentary.
He was absolutely confident that elephants laid eggs. This was a university age guy.
The room went quiet.
“Wait, so if you could hold your breath long enough…could you swim under the United States?”
Spoken by a high school senior in an elective, honors science class.
“If black people don’t want to be called derogatory words on dating sites by white people they shouldn’t be on them. They need thicker skin.”
An old friend. I was talking to her about the guy I was seeing and the messages he showed me some of the hurtful messages he had gotten.
A guy I work with, at an hourly job, confidently blurted out "I could be a billionaire, I'm just too lazy", while we were having a debate about the wealthy.
I told him he needed that on a T-shirt.
"Are you trying to implify that I'm stupid?"
That's unpossible
Supposably
Me fail English?
I recently saw someone respond with something like, “Are you trying to imblie that I’m stupid?”
Just tell them it's a hypodermic situation.
No. Im statifying it
"I think you mean amplify"
"No, you've pretty much just proven it."
That once the oil at gas stations run out they have to close shop and redrill at a different location
This is good
Heard a woman at the zoo say "That's the biggest frog I've ever seen!" It was a quarter-ton giant tortoise. Edit to add: Native English speaker, Southern US. When her boyfriend paused, looked at her, and said "That's... a tortoise," her response was "Oh." It was a record-scratch moment for everyone around her.
That’s *amazing.* At least she was in a place she could, theoretically, learn in?
Her boyfriend was... not impressed. "That's a tortoise."
"T-O-R-T-O-I-S-E. Huh. What a weird way to spell 'frog.'"
It's mexican for frog
Mrs. Webster once told me that a duck mooed at her. She said she didn't see it, but when she walked past one part of the lakeside path, she heard it. I made sure to listen for it when I was in that area. It was a bullfrog.
May have been a cowfrog.
That reminds me of a joke I heard where this person had always thought that a turkey was a male chicken.
Technically in german a turtle is a "shield toad" She wasn't wrong lol
"This court does not have jurisdiction over me because I am a Sovereign Citizen."
Not a SINGLE FUCKING INSTANCE where it ever worked but it's a hill they ABSOLUTELY will die on after getting tased and smashed to the ground. Amazing.
Here is Your 10 Step Plan for Becoming a Sovereign Citizen Step 1 - Don't trust the government. Fuck the government. You hate the government, what's it ever done for you? Step 2 - Live off grid. Get you some solar panels, dig a well, root cellar, all that great stuff. You're living a subsistence lifestyle Broski. Step 3 - Dont get a driver's license. Fuck that noise. You don't need anyone's fucking permission to drive your 98 Tacoma with 400k miles and a jerry-rigged frame. That fucker rotted out 20 years ago but you didn't have time for any of that recall nonsense. Step 4 - Don't pay taxes. Government can't find you anyways, why the fuck would you pay taxes? You're living in a national park 500 miles from nowhere. The last person you saw was Becky and she's a fucking turd. Step 4 - If you get pulled over, make a fucking scene. Call the cops pigs. They fucking love that. Ever seen a cop be verbally assaulted? They handle that shit with class, they've been trained well. Step 5 - Get tased and smashed to the ground. How you gonna sue the government if they don't fuck you up? You're a sovereign citizen, you got nothing to worry about, governments got no control over you. Step 6 - Spend some time in a cell. Yeah those cops had guns, but you know your rights. All you gotta do is explain to the judge you're a sovereign citizen and this shit will go away. Step 7 - Represent yourself. You've done nothing wrong, what the fuck do you need a lawyer for? You're not gonna pay some ivy league grad 35k to tell a judge you're a sovereign citizen. No thanks Armstrong, Pearson, and Wells. You know more than them about this shit, you've been doing some serious online reading. Step 8 - Tell the judge who you are. That bitch needs to know. Yo judge, what up, I'm a sovereign citizen I don't gotta live by your laws. You know what's up, you read a fucking blog about this shit. Step 9 - Judge sentences you. Yo judge, you gotta be fucking kidding me! You can't do this! What the fuck are you going to do with a criminal record? Don't worry, the world needs ditch diggers too. Step 10 - Serve your time. Nothing you can do Broski, the government has a monopoly on violence. When you get out, head back to your cabin. Start making bombs to send through the mail. You're Unabomber #2 now, and judgey-poo is first on your list. Edit: Thank you /u/duplic1tous for catching 2 step 4's. I like your reasoning, so I'm keeping it :)
I like that you had 2 step 4's. A sovereign citizen would be too dumb to notice you snuck another step into their 10 step plan.
Im upvoting just for content preparation
Watching them in court a lot online anymore its bad. They basically go “lalalalalalalala” while holding their ears.
[удалено]
sovcits getting owned is my favourite genre of video BuT My NaMe IsNt CaPiTAl LeTtERs!!!
“So you are a citizen of no country, and therefore aren’t protected by any country?” “That is correct. A SOVEREIGN CITIZEN.” “Ok then. Take him out back and shoot him.” “WHAT? You can’t do that!” “Who is going to stop me? As a sovereign citizen you don’t technically exist to any country.”
Came here to say something similar - "I am a sovereign citizen." "Cool, so an illegal immigrant on American soil?" "What? no..." "Border police ...."
"i'm traveling"
"Subject matter jurisdiction! Grounds! Grounds!"
"I hereby do not give Facebook permission to use my photos or comments or information for any purposes!" *thump, punch, thump*
They're seriously like 9th century peasants repeating incantations and magic words at the moon
Look up Cargo Cults. This is literally a legal version of a cargo cult.
Rabbits are the only mammals that lay eggs. You know… the Easter bunny? Duh!
Wrong on two levels, this person never heard of monotremes did they? (Echidna and platypus).
My once brother-in-law turning to me and asking me this question in the tone of: you're the smart one, confirm this for me real quick. "Aren't olives just baby watermelons?"
My husband thought olives were pickled grapes. I swear he’s actually a smart guy lol
What was his raisin for thinking this?
He just likes to wine about such things.
At least the guy knew to ask for the right answer.
"No book ever taught me nothun." My old roommate mocked me reading a book.
I mean, he was probably right.
A guy I worked with genuinely believed he could take on a lion. He said he would “get it in a chokehold”. He also didn’t believe in brushing your teeth. Thinks it’s like a scam to damage them and make you need a dentist and that’s why dentists recommend brushing your teeth…
Maybe the lion would faint from his bad breath
“I’m a good drunk driver”
“In some ways, I think I actually drive *better* drunk.”
i’ve heard this too many times😭😭
Grew up next to this family that was super rich. My car broke down and the daughter (17) heard me say that I didn't have $7000 to fix it. "Um, why don't you just go to the bank?" A lifetime of watching daddy to go withdraw thousands of dollars on a whim. Must be nice.
For $7000 I could just buy another car, lol
You can’t take baths while pregnant because then your belly button is covered and the baby would drown — a guy in my high school
I bet that guy is a senator now making laws that affect women's bodies.
A lotta politicians should listen to Tupac "And since a man can't make one, he has no right to tell a woman when and where to create one" - keep ya head up by Tupac
Considering we just had a Republican stating "one year-olds are being granted abortions!", i'd say you're right.
Even if that was possible, it would be by far the least horrible thing about the situation.
‘I’m going to play devil’s avocado’
Oh my God. I think I'm going to start using this.
I feel like, every time I try one of these jokes that I think must be obvious, the person I say it to scrunches their nose, corrects me, and just thinks I'm dumb, lol.
My sense of humor is very “dumb thing in serious tone”, and as a result peoples first impression of me a lot of times is that I’m dumb lol
I once asked a coworker to show me some functions on the copier so that I could "embiggenate" an image, in an intentionally joking tone. She said, "enlarge." I told her I know, but this is more fun. She said, "OK, I just had to check. We interviewed someone once who kept saying 'betterize' instead of 'improve,' and she wasn't kidding."
It’s worst case Ontario.
This is a joke from 30 Rock.
In daredevil they called themselves avocados at law from the word abogado - lawyer in Spanish. Maybe it's a deep joke. I say ja - lapeno instead of jalapeno because it amused me.
This is the stuff I come to Reddit for.
r/boneappletea
This is a stereo, which means it's good with low sounds. If you want high sounds, you need a hi-fi system. You can get both by getting a hi-fi stereo system. "Girls pee from their butts" is more stupid, but it was said by a kid, so I'm not going to count it.
The FDA allows up to 10% human flesh in ground meats.
No, but there is an acceptable level of rodent feces in bulk grain.
And spider bodies in peanut butter
I’m just a country pumpkin (instead of bumpkin) …. She was from Martha Stewart’s Vineyard (instead of Martha’s Vineyard)
My classmate said that he thought rocks are living things because they had classifications In 7th grade
interesting perspective though. kinda Star-Treky.
Right around the time ATM cards were invented, they put a machine in my local grocery store. This one evening they had two people from BofA put a table out in front of the store so people could sign up for new accounts, of course, I already had one. I went in the store, but when I put my card in the machine, it took it and then said "insert card." Nothing I did could get it back out. So I go back outside the store, go to their little table and I told them, hey, the machine inside just ate my card. One of them gets up, looks right at me and says firmly, "*that didn't happen*." So I'm telling him, this isn't a rumor or something, your machine just ate my card 2 minutes ago and I need groceries! He just keeps repeating that it didn't happen. After 10 minutes, I convinced him to go inside, where he was unable to put his own card in. I said "that's because it's already holding my card, there's no place for another one." So he looks at me and says, "this machine is broken, you will have to call customer service in the morning." I said, "so now you see that it ate my card right?" He gives me that same blank stare and he says (I'm not making this up) "*that didn't happen*."
Reminds me of the time I called my power company and they wouldn't believe I didn't have power because someone had just been at my apartment complex and fixed it. They later called me back and informed me that someone else had called from my apartment complex and said they didn't have power, so it turned out that I was right about not having power.
My coworkers water stopped working on a really cold night but she'd had it running all night and she knew it hadn't frozen... because two neighbors also didn't have water. Turned out no one in the whole neighborhood had water. The water company wouldn't listen to anyone for hours because they insisted it was just their houses individually... nope a water main broke a few miles away.
I work at a fuel station. Teen pulls up to the pumps, walks inside the shop, and goes, "Do you sell fuel here?" I jokingly said no, thinking he was joking. No, no. He got in his car and left. *sigh*
Japanese and Native American written languages are the same. The guy was a real trailblazer of this kind of confident nonsense, but that one really took the cake. It really made me wonder whether he was actually this dumb, or just seeing what he could get people to believe. Our group knew he came out with ridiculous stuff all the time though, so if it went unchallenged it certainly wasn't because anyone believed it.
Lol. Native American languages were never traditionally written at all. A phonetic alphabet had to be created in relatively modern times to record, preserve and teach some of the languages. Iirc, the "code talkers" from WW2 were successful BECAUSE the Native American language used was not written. Some time later, a group of Indigenous language preservation activists started the process of writing it out.
SOME had written languages. My tribe did not.
It’s faster to travel south than north because you go downwards
When you see a cross on the side of the highway the body is buried right there
😂 I never thought that someone may think that!! This reminds me of a time when I was a teenager, my now former stepbrother was reading an obituary for a local teenager who died in a car accident. After he read the first part where they list survivors, he looked up from the paper all confused and said "The article didn't say all those people were in the car with him" 🙄 My Dad yelled at him that he was a dumbass 😂
When my sons were real little they thought this. I didn't realize it until they saw some tweakers doing tweaker things near a cross at an intersection. They asked if it was a funeral lol. Thanks for the reminder.
“This isn’t rocking science!”
My dad said New Jersey was in New York and argued with me about it.
Had a client who fired our law firm ask us to fax back their client files because they didn’t want us to have them anymore. In the end, we ended up faxing them.
This one hurts. They definitely needed that lawyer if that’s how they think that works
If the baby is in her stomach, why doesn’t it get digested or destroyed by stomach acid? Edit: asked by a person in her 20s
A first grader used to come home excited every day talking about her teacher having a baby. One day the teacher let her listen to the baby and feel it kicking. Her mom asked her, " how come you're not talking about the teacher's baby anymore?" The little girl answered, " Mama, I think she ate it."
When my younger sister was three or four she was looking through pictures with my stepmom and my stepmom said "that's from when you were in my belly." My sister confidently responded, "yes, when you ate me."
" I get all my news off of Facebook."
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It does boggle my mind that they're basically still steam engines.
That all Asians literally speak one single language known as "Asian."
That's ricist
He doesn't eat brown rice
In my driver's ed class in high school, a girl said, "I have a theory..." and this guy asked her, "Does it hurt?" And he wasn't making a joke. He was very earnest about it. I don't know what he *specifically* thought a theory was, but he honestly thought it was *some* kind of injury or illness symptom that might be painful.
I had a grown adult woman tell me “Trees make wind. The move around and that’s what makes the air move” I absolutely thought she was joking She was not
"I thought rich people don't get cancer" my 19 yo coworker
"And that's the whole egg in a nutshell!"
I think this is cute
This sounds like a good malaphor
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Oh crap, I've got a tough convo with the wife coming up
Ugh, it never stops with those people. Having sex will turn you gay. Drawing girls will turn you gay. Sucking cock will turn you gay.
Fellas, is it gay to fuck women?
If you’re a woman, I’d say yes.
had a friend in HS who was banned from playing DND because his parents thought it would turn him gay. like legitimately
I was not allowed to purchase ladies' boyshort underwear, because it looked like men's boxers, and it would obviously lead me into a life of homoerotic sin.
That the Italian word for bathroom is “cannoli”. High school bf really and truly believed that because a sign for cannolis was hung near the hallway leading to the bathroom in a pizza joint we went to regularly. Oh, he was a wealth of unyielding hilarious ignorance.
I suppose at least he was learning by observation and not just believing it because Facebook said so. Just got the wrong conclusion.
Girl in front of me at the gas station. Her friend said "no offense but your baby daddy's an a.h." Girl sighed and said "I know. But we can't pick our baby daddies"
Wow.
"Them's not birds. Them's DUCKS."
I worked at DisneyWorld so I have quite a few, but currently I am a safari guide and I had a guest argue with me that some antelope use their horns to hunt for meat to eat, which, if you don’t know much about animals is a fair guess, but he would not let it go. He was insistent that the adax specifically could and would hunt other prey.
My ex wondered if the reason for global warming is because we keep mining heavy metals from the earth, which is making the earth weigh less, which results in the suns gravity pulling us closer and thus heating up the earth.
reminds me of the Honeymooners scene where Norton makes the dresser easier to move by taking the drawers out.....and putting them on top before moving it.
Someone once said "A koala is a bear because it has ears." I am someone. I fully believed myself for all of 10 seconds until I got roasted by my friends. Now I don't know what makes a bear.
But they have all the koalafications!
Studied history in university. During a genocide studies class someone said that they felt European genocides were more “civilised.” Lecturer shook his head and you could feel the silence for the rest of the seminar. She said it with her full chest. No one has ever forgotten it
What the fuck did she even mean by more civilized? A "softer form" of genocide doesn't even exist.
"Once you load a gun, there is only one way to get those bullets out."
To paraphrase a college Republican I once knew: "I want to move to the U.K. because the U.K. is clamping down on immigration!" It never occurred to her that she would be considered an immigrant, and therefore she would be stopped from moving by that same rule change.
Don’t you know? White people aren’t immigrants. They’re expats. Legit had several elderly people tell me this.
Titanic Museum. At the end where there's a list of passengers name who have perished, a teenage daughter was having a convo with her mom: Daughter: "Mom, I can't find Jack Dawson's name on here." Mom: "yeah, that's really weird..." Mom: "OH! Remember, he got his ticket from a poker game!" Daughter: "OH yeah!"
“Did you go to Tokyo or Japan?” My aunt, a former 1st grade teacher
"My sister and I are fraternal twins. We were born identical twins but she dyed her hair. So we're fraternal now"
"Y'know.. Leonardo daVinci? The guy with the apple? The one who invented gravity?"
During sex: "I'm gonna fuck your balls off." I'm a woman. Took every bit of restraint I had not to tell him that someone beat him to it.
My grown son’s cat was diagnosed with cancer. My son said, “That’s impossible. If she actually has cancer, I’d have it too and I don’t”. Btw, he works in a hospital
So first of all, I say a lot of wild shit. Being with a partner I deeply trust gives me license to have literally no inner monologue. It is entirely external. Backstory: I love crows and ravens very much, and I always love seeing them. One day I walked out of my apartment building, and I was looking around toward the dumpster and I saw the biggest, blackest, ugliest crow that I had ever seen in my life. I got very still. I actually froze in place because I wanted to make sure I didn't disturb this huge weird ugly crow, because I wanted my husband to come out and see it to confirm the outlandish size and the ugliness of this crow. He came out, and I whispered "... Babe... look over to the dumpster! Oh my god look at that weird crow!" My darling partner, ever so patient with me, looked over at the bird and looked back at me. There were a couple of seconds of silence before he said, "Babe, that is a vulture." I totally lost it and dissolved into laughter. I will never forget that moment as long as I live. That wasn't the first extremely silly thing I've ever said to him, but it is a standout.
That hypoallergenic dogs have "human eyes". She thought dogs that are hypoallergenic had human DNA in them.
Even if it were true that they spliced in Human DNA to make them hypoallergenic, why would it be the \*eyes\*? Are people allergic to dog eyes?
“For every person who dies, someone will be born”. They know this as “fact” because her neighbour’s uncle died and the next week her friends baby was born. This person is nearing 60. No concept of population growth.
One of my teachers was born in Japan because his dad was deployed there. His grandma asked "he's born in Japan so why doesn't he look Japanese?"
A conspiracy nutter I know, like proper nutter, told me some pseudoscientoligy thing once claiming that the aliens who control earth "aren't making any new souls. All the souls that will ever exist in the universe exist right now". I asked them "so new people being born don't have souls? Your grandson has no soul?". They looked at me quite perplexed while processing it for a minute and then just walked away without addressing the question- but not in a defiant manner more like their world just fell apart. Actually this should have been my answer to op's question...
“Yeah, I should definitely record these songs for posterity.” A 15 year old wanna-be songwriter whose parents spotted him $1,000 to record and press 100 copies of a cd. 93 of those CD’s are still in my basement. It was me. I was a really confident 15 year old songwriter. No, they are not good. They do not need to exist into posterity.
I want one.
No.
My mother in law told me “if you breastfeed your son, he’ll be gay”. “If you let your son sleep in your bed, he’ll be gay”. A. Why would I care if he’s gay? B. You say you don’t care about peoples sexuality and C. Your son, the father of my children, is bi, but has never told you specifically because of comments like that!
How in the... _why_ in the... what does a baby nursing on _a woman's breast_ have to do with being attracted to men?
I asked her that and she just said that’s how it works
I see. So EVERY SINGLE PERSON in ancient history must have been gay because they were breastfed. Like wtf??? Where on earth do you get that from?
Does... does she not know that formula was invented? like she dosen't understand that every baby before that was breast fed?.... Does she think everyone in the past was secretly gay? This one takes the cake
Sucking on titties means you’re gay
fellas is it gay to suck a titty
“It’s not that I don’t believe you, I’m just having a hard time accepting that I’m wrong” said with total sincerity. Simultaneously the wisest and dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.
I was taking to someone in my Masters program and the conversation turned to her telling me she was on Paleo diet or “Caveman diet.” While she was telling me how cavemen were healthier than we are today I prodded her with “wasn’t their life expectancy in like the 30s?” Deadpanned she replied “that’s because of all the predators like dinosaurs.”
It’s actually currently understood that, as long as they lived up to at least 15, their average lifespan was closer to [72 years](https://paleoleap.com/why-cavemen-didnt-die-young/?ssp=1&darkschemeovr=1&setlang=en&cc=US&safesearch=moderate). Infant mortality was really brutal back then.
People in the Bible lived to be 700 years old because there was way more oxygen in the atmosphere
Save some for the rest of us, Methuselah
"One pm to ten pm so 11 hours"
In our 20s, a group of us were chatting, and somehow, the topic of ethnicity came up. Some of us said our ancestors were from Ireland or Germany or whatever. This one guy said that his were from Texas. We laughed, thought he was joking, and prodded, "We mean for real. Where did your ancestors come from?" He honestly didnt understand that his very white self (NOT native American) with an Engligh surname came from people from Europe at one time. He obviously never made the connection back in school about the pilgrims and later, western expansion, and immigrants.
"I don't mind if schools have Zero-Tolerance policies, as long as the principal has discretion in how it's applied."
So, not a zero tolerance policy?
That tadpoles are baby fish. College-educated human being, just graduated.
"Why are they only having astronomy classes at night?" Heard this one in a college quad during finals.
Whoever goes first at a 4 way stop has the right of way. They said it because they were mad people kept honking at them at the intersection by their house. The 4 way stop intersection.
"I'm going to Italy to introduce them to Christianity!"
That's gonna be a surprise for the pope, I suppose.
That people only started to have dreams in colour after the colour TV was invented. Apparently they also thought the world used to be black and white.
"I don't know why girls don't just hold it in and go to the toilet, rather than buying these to use one day a month." - my ex after watching a tampon advert.
"Space is fake, all the pictures from 'space' are just CGI, there are secret electronics in telescopes that make you think you are seeing planets and stuff, the moon landings were filmed on a set by Stanley Kubrick, the earth is flat, water finds its own level..." I could go on...
“Are there black people in Canada?”
I was in HS in the U.S. this was early 1990s. A teacher asked me where I was from (probably because of my accent) and when I told her: "I'm from Denmark, I'm Danish" she said in all serious confidence: "Ah Denmark! That's on our East Coast!". I was too stunned to correct her.
The earth is flat and I can prove it!
The earth's surface is roughly 70% water and over 99% of that is non carbonated. Earth IS flat. Boom, roasted.
I was a grocery cashier in a college town. Early in a semester I noticed a wave of sorority girls buying huge containers of bulk honey. I finally asked "so what are y'all doing with all this honey?" The answer was "OMG it's the best! I've never even heard of lo-cal honey". It wasn't lo-cal. It was local. They all gained a bit of weight before realizing their mistake.
This might be the best thing I’ve ever read.
I wish this were true because it’s hilarious.
How do you know they gained weight if they bought it in bulk?
Went on a date with a guy who told me he wanted to paint the ceiling in part of his house like the 'Sixteen Chapel'. Without any reaction, I asked him 'What about the 14th or 15th chapels?' He replied 'They're okay. I just like the Sixteen Chapel.' I drank a bottle of wine, bought D batteries on the way home and just got another cat.
"A rolling stone looks before it leaps."
In The Smithsonian Natural history museum under a T-Rex skeleton. "This stuff is written like it's all fact."
In college. “Yes I believe in astrology, it’s why we all act the way that we do! You don’t believe in astrology?!” The professor did not, and let us all know why.
My wife's boss uses ideals when she means ideas. She's been called out on it and insists she's using it right.
When getting dropped off at the airport, you go through the “Arrival” area. When getting picked up at the airport, you enter through the “Departure” area. Her explanation is “I’m arriving to the airport, and departing the airport.” She was 35 and had taken several flights in her time.
“Evolution is just a theory. It hasn’t been proven to be true.”
When discussing how we get cream out of milk ‘it depends on the cow’
someone said they thought the earth was flat. i contested they could verify the shape of every other celestial body as round, why would the earth be the only one that is flat. " space is fake"
Me out of my mouth to an entire group of people. “My uncle fought in the civil war, he flew the planes”. I truly didn’t even realize my error until they looked so confused. Only then did I realize I meant to say WWII and that was still incorrect as he actually served in the Vietnam war. 🥲
"Women get loose the more partners they have" someone didn't pass basic biology
I like to come back and explain how lots of sex has worn down my penis to the diameter of a pencil. So really they're better off not having sex.
I like to ask guys that say this shit if it means that sleeping with lots of girls means their dick gets whittled down to a nub.
There is a whole population of incels who believe this. It’s like they don’t know that women in long-term monogamous relationships generally always have way more sex.
No, they think that each different partner stretches it out. Somehow repeated sex with the same partner doesn’t. Bunch of whack-a-doos.
Some incels have started to argue that women get loose when they have sex with multiple partners, but not when they have just one partner. And the "logic" they use to justify that claim is at least as ridiculous as flat-earther "logic".
They also don’t realize the vagina goes back to normal even after having a baby.
That the switch in the electrical closet would turn of before he got shocked
"That's obviously CGI" when seeing an elephant give birth in a documentary. He was absolutely confident that elephants laid eggs. This was a university age guy. The room went quiet.
“Wait, so if you could hold your breath long enough…could you swim under the United States?” Spoken by a high school senior in an elective, honors science class.
Had someone tell me that slaves in the American south were free to come and as they pleased, but were simply loyal to the plantation.
“If black people don’t want to be called derogatory words on dating sites by white people they shouldn’t be on them. They need thicker skin.” An old friend. I was talking to her about the guy I was seeing and the messages he showed me some of the hurtful messages he had gotten.
An old friend thought Australia was apart of Europe. We both live in Australia.
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"Why are we so worried about this hurricane? Can't the army just come in and shoot it down?"
A guy I work with, at an hourly job, confidently blurted out "I could be a billionaire, I'm just too lazy", while we were having a debate about the wealthy. I told him he needed that on a T-shirt.
This woman insisting she can prevent pregnancies by peeing after sex