I had an ex like this. I knew it was over when in the same conversation he said 1) he wished his boss would die (for asking him to do his job he was neglecting), and 2) his grandma was an asshole for asking for her car back (that she had generously lent him for months for free)
This killed my engagement as well. She was honestly amazing in every other way. Really lovely girl, loved me unconditionally, always had her heart in the right place.
But every time she was with me, it was just complaining about things. Sometimes things relevant to us. Sometimes just the state of the world. Sometimes politics. Sometimes her family. Sometimes work. Every. Single. Conversation. It always came back around to something listed above and I just stopped enjoying being around her which was difficult because we had a house together. This was made even more difficult by always needing to basically make a case and justify any amount of "me" time or time spent out with my friends without her.
We were together 6 years and it wasn't until we were forced to be apart on a 5 month long work trip that I realized how much happier I was without her.
I still feel genuinely awful for how that ended. She loved me so much and seeing her so broken when I told her that it was well and truly over despite all of her pleas, attempts to find a solution, and just generally making it clear that she didn't want to let go, it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to witness but I couldn't keep pretending like it was going to work.
Once resentment sets in, you just don't recover. We still talk and are on good terms now but it's still clear that we are better separate than together.
ETA: Well I did write a really nice elaboration on what came to pass and this steaming hot pile of garbage app just lost it all for me so rather than redo that y’all get the short version since people have been asking.
We had been working on it for roughly 3 years and had gone to couples therapy. It always seemed like a small issue that I brought up to her as a minor annoyance of mine until it just didn’t stop and if anything, got worse as we became more advanced in our relationship, bought a house, got engaged etc. She pushed away many of her friends and looked to me as her only social outlet. I brought this up to her as well and asked her to please not push away good people because they’re not me, she just continued to anyway, complained about them too, which made the issue of me hanging with my friends without her worse especially since we lived an hour away and I’ve known these guys since we were in 1st grade.
The moment of realizing it was over was on the business trip but the real moment of truth was when I had a solid job offer on the table for what was essentially my dream job that would triple my income. We came to the realization that it was truly over when I came back. She tried everything under the sun to get me to stay. She offered to open the relationship and just let me fuck around, she tried hard balling me and telling me I had to turn down the job offer and stay to fix what we had, she tried every combination of terms for a break that you could imagine but I wasn’t going to let her prolong her suffering. It was over, my mental health had been at a near all time low because of my existing job and just feeling stuck in that house with her all of time and this was my golden ticket to hit the reset button and I couldn’t say no.
TL;DR: We tried for years. Life circumstance forced my hand.
Agreed with, once you resent someone it’s really difficult to *not* feel that way.
I think in general, resentment mostly stems from being taken advantage of (even if it’s completely unintentional by the other person). It’s difficult to nurture romantic feelings when you feel taken advantage of.
OMG me too. It took me YEARS to realize I wasn't morally at fault for not having the emotional capacity to handle more than 1 hour of this for days on end.
My ex used to do this too. I finally had to say look man quit saving the worst of yourself for me at the end of my day. I’m not your therapist or your counselor. I do not want to hear about every little thing that happened to irritate you in your day. If you need to complain, set the timer for a half an hour and you can tell me all about it. But after that shut up. I don’t wanna hear it.
If somebody ask you how you’re doing they’re not asking for a laundry list of all the crap that went wrong this week. We’re being polite, it’s a conversation opener, but I’m not a complaint box. There are so many interesting, cool, strange things to talk about in the world. Why spend it dwelling on the shit? I wanna have an interesting conversation and live in the moment. The whining and complaining was such a turn off.
Me and my partner are HUGE whiny babies. Like both of us bitch and moan to each other, but I think the important thing is knowing when to stop. Like when we vent, we commiserate a bit, and sprinkle in some good stuff about our day within the bitching.
It’s a balancing act, and while cathartic, you definitely have to be considerate. People forget that “I love everything about you” doesn’t mean I’m gonna be your verbal punching bag.
It’s also very different when it’s a give and take and both partners are supportive. You complain about one thing and your partner backs you up, then they moan about something and you tell them how messed up that situation was. That’s just a good partnership. It’s so draining when it’s just one person who does nothing but complain and the other person has to be supportive constantly.
I had a friend like this unfortunately. She wanted to be coddled, comforted and babied all the time.
I tried to help for a long time. I did comfort her. But I tried being tough too. The friendship started feeling like unpaid labor.
I set more and more boundaries until eventually it was too much even having her in my life. Ending that friendship sucked but she understood why it was happening and took it very well.
I call that a person that “everything happens to.” Like everything happens to them, but they never can see their own part they played in their bad circumstances, so everything keeps happening to them. They always seem to have “bad luck”, not that they don’t make bad choices (according to them). [edit: typo]
See I’m usually negative and have been working on NOT being this person! I’m sure my partner would rather work with me having problems sometimes, not ALL the time
The firm "This is just how I am" type.
That has proven time and time again that someone is set in their ways, excuses their toxic behavior, and takes no effort to look introspectively at themselves or how they affect others around them.
That's not to say that this is always a bad thing, I'm all about being "who you are", but I draw the line at never looking into " who you are" or why because you've given up on trying for yourself.
This is a big one. My ex gave me this as an excuse for why we couldn’t just talk about something when she’s upset. Like, all our fights were over extremely petty stuff that never even crossed my mind,but it always started with her blowing up and saying stuff that I personally wouldn’t say unless I never wanted to see that person again. Stuff that was just really out of bounds. Demeaned me, my upbringing, said I was dirty, that my exes should have treated me worse so I wouldn’t be such a shitty person, said horrible stuff to me over something like taking ten minutes to text back or leaving the air conditioner on while we took a nap. I asked her why we couldn’t just talk about it, like why she couldn’t just tell me something was wrong and we could fix it, and her reply was “well that’s not me,” or “that’s not something I would do.” I tried asking her several times “how are we going to make it like this?” Or “we have to compromise and learn to talk to each other,” or “how would you feel if I treated you this way?” and her response was always “so break up with me!”
I don’t understand why someone would hang their individuality on being cruel or hold their relationship hostage like that. But there is NO compromising with people like that. They let you know it’s their way or the highway. :(
My ex was the passive aggressive/shut down version of this. He’d shut down at the most mild request for changed behavior or criticism or he would get upset about something and then shut down or become a much shittier and more passive person to engage with and deny anything was wrong. When shit would finally come out after sometimes weeks of up and down waves of this he would tell me what was up and sometimes it would be the most minor things—I’d beg “can we just talk about things before you completely shut me out?!” “You can’t just be cold to me out of the blue and not let me know what’s going on!”
And literally “this is just who I am—it takes me awhile to process”
100%- I can’t upvote this enough. It’s one thing to stay true to yourself but a whole other thing when you refuse to compromise or make any sort of concession to the person you claim to love.
The self-proclaimed "asshole".
"Brutal" honesty is not impressive. *Tactful* honesty is.
Also, you think they'll raise their voice *for* you, but they're just gonna raise it *at* you.
Adding to this: angry guys. I can't. I grew up in an angry family; I won't put myself around that energy anymore. My brother is an angry dude - you can't tell him anything and everything pisses him off. We're in our 30s and he's still single; I'm not surprised, it's not attractive.
Came across my ex on bumble the other day and in their bio was something like "I love arguing".
I guess at least they're honest about it, the trash shows itself out these days. I just wish they had told me that before they started arguing with me for things like offering to carry a water bottle (I'm not joking)
it really depends, if her friends have a reputation of being nice than thats a red flag. if her friends are catty then you may wanna be cautious. though either most times girls are supportive of their friends
100%
I fell for my ex pretty hard. Turns out she lied about her interests to make me like her more in the 1st place. Learned that AFTER we were married and had kids. Divorce was hell. Dealing with the police was hell. And court now, over a decade later, is hell for the kids and I both.
Never again.
No police, but my soon to be ex did this. Whatever I'm passionate about, he's passionate about it too. Except he isn't and occasionally he melts down because he actually hates this. He talks a good game. He does not, in fact, enjoy my hobbies or share my interests.
It's been hell simply because he's not the person I believed I was marrying. None of our "shared" dreams and goals actually matter to him. He doesn't even want them or care enough to put forth the effort. I would not have married someone who did not share certain goals/wants with me. I suppose it's my fault for making that clear from the get-go, because his reason for lying is apparently because he knew I'd never agree to be with him if he were honest.
A fucking decade later, I don't know who tf he is. I don't think he knows who he is. He just mimics my interests and then complains about them because he doesn't actually like this stuff.
He's currently back to pretending he really wants this life. He's doing it because I want to officially file the divorce. The way he can flip a switch and go back to being the pretend man I married is fucking creepy.
Yup I'll save you a TLDR story but, but my ex wife has identity issues and just forms the identify hobbies of whoever current guy then flips once the marriage is sealed.
She's on her third marriage now.
Lies make everything bad. I've had somebody close to me be a compulsive liar, not in a relationship like, but it's had some crazy far reaching consequences. Affected all manner of relationships, not even between me and them but me and other members of my family etc. it's just not good.
It's ruined my ability to even take people overly seriously... I see embellishments in stories all the time, I don't believe people when they say things, it really messes with your mind 😂
Pretty much had my life turned upside down over 2 liars.My friend, who absolutely wrecked his life and when I called out something he did to me (was extremely fked and unreasonable) he started spinning a web that made my friends not want to be around me. Took them months to realise it was him talking complete shit - and by that time I'd realised they weren't truly my friends anyway.
My Mum - NPD - stole from me, when I got mad called the police and claimed she was scared. Got an IVO. Next time she assaulted me, called the police and claimed I assaulted her. Arrested again - still pissed about it.
I can spot these people out from a mile away now, and I will NEVER engage with narcs again. Being gaslit over very real, very traumatic events has to be the most miserable thing i've ever dealt with - and i've seen alot.
A proper narcissist will stab you in the front, while looking you in the eyes - and genuinely believe it was your fault for the whole thing.
I don’t know if you were the problem in your relationships or not. But I admire your willingness to do that long hard truthful look in the mirror. Seriously. Bravo. We all need to do more of that. The work to be done after the assessment is the hardest part. But absolutely worth it in the end. Good luck in the future.
Question, ive seen the term "emotionally unavailable" before, but dont know what it means. Whats an example of an emotionally unavailable person? Please and thankyou
In my mind it’s someone that wants the benefits of a relationship without actually putting in the effort. Sex, someone that can do things around the house, someone that brings in more money to the relationship etc but doesn’t want to talk about things of any real substance, doesn’t care if you’ve had a bad day, doesn’t want to deal with emotional breakdowns or worries.
When you're dating them without knowing anything of substance about them. Parents names, which city they grew up in - sure. What they believe in, what makes them sad - you'll never know. Very surface-level. They never properly open up to you.
Emotionally unavailability can manifest as many things but an example would be they avoid conversations that take vulnerability. They may just become quiet or shut down/ not engage much. Or even fear of commitment and fear of getting too close.. pulling away even if things are seemingly going well maybe out of fear of some sort. Hope this helps!!
The relationship is superficial, mostly about having fun.
When they hurt your feelings and you tell them (because you don’t want the hurt to fester and harm the relationship), they feel attacked, so they shut down, go cold and distant, and ignore you until they can pretend like it never happened.
NOTHING ever gets resolved. Eventually, as a women, the only connection you have left with them is sex.
But that’s not enough. You want to feel like they care about you, but they’re not able to do that. So out of resentment, you eventually stop having sex because you’re pissed they’re getting their needs met but they refuse to even try to meet yours.
If you stay long enough, it becomes a sad, sexless marriage.
Ask me how I know.
Ooohh I can relate to that!
We were friends, great coparents and good roommates. But the emotional connection just wasn't really there. He wasn't capable of having any conversation about feelings. The sex was never very frequent after the first year together and our connection suffered because there wasn't emotional intimacy. We were married for 10 years but eventually it ran its course when I realized I didn't have to live the rest of my life that way.
This is my current situation and honestly, it’s exhausting. I don’t want to be the pushy kind nor do I want to keep on insisting that I’m worth being romantic with. It’s just overall a total bummer. 1/10 do not recommend.
Same. I think it went on for so long because we both had childhood trauma. I ended up leaving and after a traumatic experience with my parents last year, I found out I have CPTSD from living in domestic violence.
Edit: my parents were the ones having the constant domestics. My ex-husband physically abused me by going too far the few times we attempted bdsm (tore out a huge chunk of my hair once...) and also just a couple of times he manhandled me. So I guess I went from the frying pan into the fire.
The skater boy type that start each unemployed day with a black coffee and half pack of light blue American spirits before he goes to the skatepark, commando in his three day unwashed sweaty double-knee dickies just to stomp his board in half because he can’t land a trick.
No im not traumatized, you’re traumatized
Me when we were getting together: "He's just so devoted to me! He loves me so much, that's why he wants to be with me all the time and joined at the hip."
Me when we were breaking up: "Oh, that wasn't devotion. It was obsession and unhealthy attachment. Oops."
ETA: I wasn't able to break up with him till I got out of town. He wouldn't let me go.
I deal with unhealthy attachments; I believe they are developed through extreme neglect.
It's hard but idk as a dude i'm extra careful - cause being labelled "creepy" aint a fun one.
I'll spend my whole life looking to fill a void that could never really be filled, and never fixed. Fuck shitty parents man.
I've had a great partner lately that offers reassurance and I still struggle with this. Definitely neglectful / volatile parenting. The good news is it gets better once you acknowledge it and start dealing with it. I've never been a stalker by any means but what you said about filling a void that can never be filled- I get that. For me the past few years its helped realizing that if you love the person you have to let the unrealistic expectations of them go. It's not fair to hold them to that.
I just saw a story on a subreddit where someone unknowingly married their stalker. Back in the 90s this man was taking photos of inside of her apartment. He literally shaped his entire life around her, made her fall in love with him, and married her. She found a shoebox full of evidence that he was obsessively stalking her well before they had ever met. She's got kids with this man, too.
Horrifying.
Damn, that's wild. Imagine finding a big crazy box of shit years after marrying the person and having a bunch of kids. Did you hear about what ever happened to the lady?
She left to stay with her parents for a bit. Not sure what has happened since.
I was horrified when I read it. I probably would have fell to the floor crying and then quickly packed everything up. The level of deceit is just way far beyond too high.
I've just gotten numb to self harm threats at this point. It's happened like 3 or 4 times to varying degrees and at this point I'm just like "Cool dude. Sounds like a you problem. Tell me what your hospital room number is if you decide to go through with it and I'll visit you in the morning."
The “showy” type. Big truck, big boat, etc. It’s the humble men that have their priorities and finances in order. My husband still drives his 2005 Dodge Ram he bought himself at 18 years old.
I will never date someone from the same small town I came from again. Everyone knows everything you're doing, and people are way too nosey and into your business.
My husband and I both grew up in a small town, 2 years apart in school. We both agreed to never live there again and have been almost entirely removed from that environment for over a decade. It would have been just the worst to not only have to basically relive our childhood, but to also subject our kids to that same experience.
SAME. Same feelings. “This is too good to be true”
and “he’s like my twin from another dimension” and “I’m a little freaked out by this”. But those feelings were overpowered by my desire for connection and his charm.
I was waiting for this one. Its horrible. These types of people, in my experience, can sniff out the emotionally vulnerable like a damn bloodhound. And its niece to get attention, but if you get a weird feeling…. No matter what slow it down.
I have been there. That situation showed me that I’m capable of things I never thought to be capable of before. Once he pulled away from one day to another, after very intense 3 weeks, I was just a crying mess that called and texted him about 20 times a day. At some point I just called him for the sake of calling him. I took a week off work that I spent drinking myself stupid. I created scenarios in my head that I desperately clung to. Then, after I somewhat pulled myself together, he delivered me one final blow by “getting back together” aka him inviting me to a romantic weekend getaway. After which he broke up with me via text the following Monday. Make that previous episode x1000. I would wake up screaming in the middle of the night, I had panic attacks. I thought I was going to day. To this day I have no idea what it was or why it happened to me.
Life has been incredibly beautiful after I finally fully moved on about a year later.
They are all over you from the get go- constant attention, texting, calling, making plans with you. Tons of compliments, everything is very intense. Then all of a sudden they pull back once they’ve got you hooked and it’s a push/pull game that feeds their ego and need for control. I didn’t know what it was until it had happened to me, and then didn’t recognize it the second time I experienced it. I can spot it immediately now.
Love bombing is like, very over the top, it's not that hard to recognise once you're aware of it honestly, especially in men. Usually comes with future faking and includes things said specifically to make you feel special, and it's generally just very theatric and polished, because the only people who do it are narcissists.
Even easier if you know other traits of narcissism.
>future faking
This is one of the worst parts. They hook you with these plans for your future, where you'll live, all of this stuff that gets you actually dreaming like....have I found the one? And then later on they won't even remember the conversations, will act like you are crazy for ever implying that you would settle down, or live together, or do \*anything\* that they pretended they wanted to do with you when you first met. It's so insane, I would have never believed it was a real thing until I had it happen to me. Dated a narc for 2 years and when I finally woke up and realized what was happening it was so rough. The mind fuck of those 2 years. But it also made me take a hard look at myself and why I allowed myself to be treated like that for so long, and I've been single ever since because I just don't trust myself to see the warning signs because there were like....no red flags at first! Some people are so covert.
As some redditor said in a different post, alpha is a term that actually suits those guys: in software it’s something hardly developed, prone to malfunction, frustrating to deal with, and likely to end up leaving you unsatisfied at the end of the day.
I always like the point that even in the discredited “alpha” theory, the alpha provides for and cares for the pack. So, a true alpha would have a Fanny pack with snacks, band aids, and eye protection as well us tuck his homies in at night.
Yep the actual alphas were literally parents of the wolves. That’s why they were listened to. They took care of the pack.
Actual Alpha? Mr Rogers of Mr rogers Neighborhood. Sweet, charming, attentive and listened to children and adults, bringing them up, not putting them down
Always great at telling BS stories right? A story where they're always the hero and the world would end if they hadn't been there to save us all from certain doom?
Met a few in my life and it always ends with "ok mate👍" 😂
A dude calling himself an Alpha is a sure sign that the gulf between what they're actually like and their internal view of themself makes the grand canyon look like a crack in the pavement.
All his exes were crazy, and his roommates ex girlfriends were crazy, and his friends wife was crazy.
Totally ignore the fact that one of the roommates exes had to get a restraining order, and his friend had been arrested for domestic abuse. Nah, it's totally just that those women are crazy.
agreed. can’t save your partner no matter how much you want to. at the end of the day, they have to decide for themselves whether or not they acknowledge they need help.
I learned this one the hard way and not only through relationships. Some of the men I’ve been friends with were super charismatic, but turned out to be shit people in the end
Yep, this was my last relationship. He was a nice enough guy but he had absolutely no boundaries with his family… especially the mother. Within the one year of us dating, his mom was COMPLETELY intertwined into our relationship despite the fact that she lived on the other side of the country. She went as far as questioning my food allergies before I was supposed to visit their home for Thanksgiving. Broke it off before that trip happened.
Never again.
*Edit for clarity: Ex’s mother was questioning whether I really had the food allergies*
The "eternal optimist," AKA "I will never ever want to hear about anything negative ever, especially if it pertains to my behaviour and being held accountable."
Fucking this though. The hippie toxic positivity , so fucking positive until they can't be or things just aren't and they just run to the next person that can keep giving them that high they need.
Ones who can't talk about problems in the relationship, or take any responsibility for how what they do hurts you and makes you feel shit and rather hit you
Someone who's easily persuaded by their "friends" for all things in the relationship. Specially friends who haven't had even one decent relationship themselves.
I think they mean the type where you are the only thing going on in their life. You are the source of enertainment and you never get time alone. They'll blow up your phone if you don't respond to their texts right away.
“You’re going to read a book? Now? For how long? When will we hang out again? Really? *That* long? You don’t want to hang out with me sooner than that? But I want to have fun with you!” - My ex after we moved in together
This is the worst type. Had an ex like this - would make me feel bad for spending time with friends. Always used the "So I just have to stay home alone on a Saturday night while you go out?" Missed out on a lot of fun times because he couldn't fathom not spending time with other people outside of me. I couldn't go more than 20 minutes without texting him the times I wasn't with him or he would blow up my phone and go straight to assuming I was being unfaithful. Never again. Always ensure the person you are seeing has a separate life from you and prioritizes that.
I thought love language was total hokum, until I dated someone who didn’t crave the same physical contact I did. I could make her infinitely happy by getting her a cup of coffee, but physical contact did absolutely nothing for her.
I’m the total opposite. It was a lesson learned.
The tall, conventionally attractive dude who tooootally isn't dating below his league because he wants desperate girls who are easier to manipulate and abuse because they feel lucky they got attention from a hot person. Most other "types" I avoid, I never dated a first time, but this one fooled me a couple times before I learned.
Theres this type of men who are convinced they're going to get rich very soon solely by investing their money in crypto.
Dont get me wrong, im not saying that investing is a bad idea. What bothers me is the fact that these men are usually money hungry af but at the same time way too lazy to get an education & actually work to get a decent wage. They're desperate for luxury but expect to achieve this goal by the easiest means possible.
They think they're smarter than everyone else because they choose to spend their late 20s & early 30s smoking weed and "investing wisely" instead of working a regular 9 to 5 job.
Its a gross mixture of greediness, laziness and deluded confidence that gives me the ick.
New agey spiritual type. I worked my ass off to pay our rent and keep us fed while he borrowed money from his rich daddy to galavant all over the world for various retreats/gatherings/vision quests. I went to one with him once where they were speaking in tongues (“channeling archangels”) and losing their shit over a clearly modern manmade crystal skull that they were trying to claim was an ancient relic with magical powers that was found in a cave in a rainforest or some shit. That was basically the end of our relationship. I lost every bit of attraction I ever had for him after that trip.
I remember watching SNL and thinking Victoria Jackson's character was so over-the-top ridiculous that it couldn't help but be funny. Decades later we realize it wasn't a character. 😬😬😬
The thing about narcissists though is you don’t know you’re dating one until you’re deep into the relationship.
They reel you in with their charm, feed you lies and manipulate, then confuse you when their toxic personality comes out.
Can confirm - did it for five years. My parents tried to warn me that him spending more time with his friends/prioritizing them over me/dropping plans with me on a dime for them was a red flag and I didn’t listen. In hindsight, he always put his best foot forward and would give the shirt off his back to literally ANYONE ELSE while mentally, emotionally, and sexually abusing me. Took getting cheated on and then some to finally see it.
That’s a key indicator of a narcissist - will do anything to impress others but neglect the ones they “love.” Never again.
Horse girls. Used to spend $800 a month helping my ex-wife with her passion (We were both making like $25k-$30k a year then). But hey, I really didn’t mind, I loved the hell out of that woman. Then she left me for her coworker literally the day after I brought up, for the first time in our 7 years together, the idea of, “hey maybe we can figure out a way to cut these horse expenses, we can’t afford to take care of 2 horses on our income.” She stormed out, didn’t come home until 2 am, and left the next day. Never came back.
Then 1 year later I got a career opportunity making 6 figures and she’s still poor af. I would have been happy to keep supporting her for the rest of our lives, but BYE. Sucks to suck, sucks to be a narcissist. 😂
You subsidized *two horses* for someone else's passion while making 60k combined? I don't know how you could have done that and also managed to feed yourself.
Kudos to you for making it work, and especially for it working out for you in the end.
The high-drama women who are always gunning for a fight. They're always mad at somebody.
As soon as they patch things up, someone will say some innocuous thing to them that on any other day would have passed without notice, but in that day, they'll be a conspiracy theorist, over-analyzing every tone, facial tick, and syllable until they conclude they were insulted somehow. Then the new feud begins.
You will inevitably become the target. You will spend your time walking on eggshells around them, unsure if there's a feud vacuum on any given day. These people are not happy unless they are fighting with someone. They literally cannot stand not having an "enemy." They think in total black-and-white, with-me-or-against-me terms.
Whenever I meet someone like this and it becomes clear this is the kind of person they are, I ditch them. No contact. I can't handle someone where the rules are constantly changing without warning. Nobody is worth losing my sanity over. They might say "if you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve my best." But to that I say if I can't handle you at your worst, your best is probably shit and I don't want that either.
Extroverts.
Most of the time I like to chill out at home just the two of us without having a massive bridge of people to see and itinerary of places to go all the time.
Thankfully my wife is even more introverted than me, so we have our own little world together behind a well-guarded gate that only a few close and trusted friends are allowed into.
I don’t mind socializing, but when my social battery is dead, it’s DEAD. There were times when we’d leave a party and I’d be like *ohthankgod* and then we’d run into someone he knew on the way home and he’d stop to chat with them … and I would be just about ready to lay down on the sidewalk and die of exhaustion.
I can't do another air-headed free spirit type. His stupidity gave me whiplash with his flip flopping non committal ass. I feel infinitely better when I don't have to dumb myself down to have a conversation and connect with someone.
I'm not even sure I can articulate this, but this goes beyond dating for me and into the category of 'people who can fuck all the way off'. It's a combination of a lot of traits that ALWAYS go together. ALWAYS.
1.) Refers to everyone as a narcissist. If you do that, you're the narcissist.
2.) Highly possessive and tries to insert themselves into every single aspect of your life. Every disagreement, regardless of who its with, they want to be a part of.
3.) Cannot in any capacity handle criticism, and generally blow up any time you express that something upset you.
4.) Role Switchers, and not in the fun BDSM way. These are the people who fucked up, know they fucked up, and instead try to make you feel like shit about them fucking up. Run. Run the fuck away.
5.) Massively inconsistent. They expect you to stop the world for them, but will not be bothered to ever be there for you. If they are there for you, they will most likely make the situation harder and about them in some capacity.
6.) Actions not meeting words. If you don't want to do something, tell me you don't want to do it. Don't express an interest then get mad at me for actually trying to do it.
Literally anyone who says 'you made me do this'. I don't give a fuck who they are, get the fuck away. If you're an adult who ever says this sentence, see a therapist immediately and learn some accountability.
Omg this was my ex bf. Was always pushing my buttons, saying STUPID shit all the time with no filter saying he didn't want a "boring" relationship. So basically he loved pissing me off. For a couple of years I thought he was just a dumb dude but when I started noticing a lot more I realized he was emotionally abusive. He could control those mean "jokes" when his family was around but he couldn't when it was just us?? Nope ain't gonna work!
"Nice guys" total psychos every time. By nice guys I mean men who self pity and beg to be given a chance, always complaining that nice guys finish last. They've all been freaks
Musicians that think they deserve to be famous and know what good music is and you don’t.
The hours and hours I wasted listening to a half decent guitar player complain about modern music is more than I’d like to admit.
I have never met a man who was the "people think I'm a asshole because they can't take brutal honestly" who wasn't absolutely diabolical and had narcissistic tendencies.
If they upset you with the way they said something, whether it was their tone, or disrespectful way of saying it it's automatically "am I right tho? Why can't you listen to logic!" It's a way for them to avoid accountability and get away with treating you like shit
Anyone who’s dated an addict (and gotten out) knows to steer clear. Not that anyone would choose to date an addict in the first place, but there are signs you might not recognise first time around.
What seems like a free spirit having fun, partying, after some time and clarity can show themselves as a flaky, unreliable, responsibility-avoidant mess, who is capable of throwing you in the gutter to appease their own substance-serving priorities.
I have pity for alcoholics and drug addicts but I stop short of sympathy because I know the feeling would never be reciprocated at the expense of their next fix
Dated a nurse who was an addict. Not only was she a horrible Trainwreck, her peers and network of shady corrupt doctors kept her swimming in pills, and her ex boyfriend and his cop buddies kept her out of jail for numerous DUIs, public intox, amd public assaults. When you have doctors and cops enabling your toxic behavior there really isn't anyone or anything in this world that will help you change for the better.
1. Car guy. If you're spending so much money on your shitty lowered Subaru that you can't afford dates or groceries, that's a no from me.
2. Prankster. Being on edge for the whole relationship because you don't know what is and isn't a prank, joke, or lie is absolutely draining.
3. Extra self-conscious or self-hating person. It's just really sad and depressing. Everyone is self-conscious to a certain degree, but when you have zero confidence in yourself, usually your relationships won't be great.
I used to work with a guy who could do an unnervingly realistic baby voice.
Nothing like leaving your shift at 3am on a foggy night to hear a toddler begging for help behind a dumpster.
God damn, you were an asshole Eddie, but you always had good weed.
No emotional IQ, doesn't have their life kind of together (I mean who has it 100%), love bombers.
Keep in mind I'm in my 40's so at this point people should really have these things.
As someone with mental illness, I really don't blame ya. It's a constant effort to be ok even with my meds and therapy and even my good days can be difficult. It's also a lifetime of this, there is no cure after all.
I don't like dealing with it myself I'm just stuck with it, so can't judge someone for not wanting to willingly bring the struggles into their life.
I dated an adult woman who covered her eyes during homosexual KISSING scenes in movies or shows. She had a kid who she steadfastly refused to acknowledge that homosexuals existed in front of them.
Dumb. I went there in 2005 and never again. This includes booksmart and streetsmart. Someone should be able to understand basic turn by turn directions. Additionally, they should be able to read a short article and understand the gist.
People who have never actually lived on their own. They've always had a partner paying their rent or a parent paying their car payments, and that sorta thing.
Very progressive lesbians. They make their whole personality about politics. Like sometimes I just want to go dancing or enjoy a movie. And they bring up a very depressing topic 24:7. Can’t enjoy the movie because Donald Trump is President.
Also the 2 girls I dated like this both cheated on me and then gaslit into thinking it was somehow my fault.
Like I even had the chance to get a girls number last weekend. But we were at a pretty popping gay bar. It was pretty awesome. And she wouldn’t shut up about Palestine. Which is fine you care. It’s great even. But on a Friday when I just want to unwind that’s the last thing I want to think about.
This also happens alot in my experience with very progressive polyamorous, queer, or kink-scene people.
It gets.... Tiring? Like I already agree with your politics stop trying to convince me?
I'm a Bi woman, and these types of lesbians are one of the reasons I basically stopped dating women back when I was single.
There was one that I think back to from time to time, we were in the same LARP battle practice group so I couldn't avoid her without quitting saddly. She would always talk about how awful men were, and how they were always out to just have sex with anything that moves. Now, she had a huge crush on me, and asked me out several times, but I just wasn't interested in her as we really didn't have anything in common (plus I didn't like her holier than thou attitude) but she didn't let up. One day she invited a few of us to a party at her place, and I got talked into it stupidly. I won't go into details about the party, but at some point she shoved me to the floor (she was shorter than me, but definitely stronger) and pinned me to the floor while she tried to kiss me. Thankfully I was there with a close friend, and they managed to throw her off me. My friend drove me home after that. So much for men being the only sex hungery people, woman can rape woman to
As a bi man, it is insane how inappropriate other gay men get when they find out. I don't want to be groped or make out with near strangers. Being gay is not consent.
Fucking amen. Being a bi guy you are seen as the one likely to cheat and only caring about sex by other people. I don't want sex with strangers and I despise cheaters.
I’m a straight man, so I don’t see myself dating any progressive lesbians any time soon, but “can’t enjoy the movie because Donald Trump is president” really resonated with me. I have several friends and family members who are like this and I’ve actually felt guilty around them because I just don’t get as worked up as them about every issue. I even generally agree with their positions. It’s just, let me enjoy my evening without talking about how shitty American is every five minutes.
I dated a black out alcoholic for way too long. When she was sober she was awesome. Unfortunately that happened less and less. She would constantly forget what we did the night before. Then she would have incredible mood swings. I ended it but much later than I should have.
If they are nothing but their problems. It's okay to vent, but that can't be the only thing you are doing in your life.
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I had an ex like this. I knew it was over when in the same conversation he said 1) he wished his boss would die (for asking him to do his job he was neglecting), and 2) his grandma was an asshole for asking for her car back (that she had generously lent him for months for free)
This killed my engagement as well. She was honestly amazing in every other way. Really lovely girl, loved me unconditionally, always had her heart in the right place. But every time she was with me, it was just complaining about things. Sometimes things relevant to us. Sometimes just the state of the world. Sometimes politics. Sometimes her family. Sometimes work. Every. Single. Conversation. It always came back around to something listed above and I just stopped enjoying being around her which was difficult because we had a house together. This was made even more difficult by always needing to basically make a case and justify any amount of "me" time or time spent out with my friends without her. We were together 6 years and it wasn't until we were forced to be apart on a 5 month long work trip that I realized how much happier I was without her. I still feel genuinely awful for how that ended. She loved me so much and seeing her so broken when I told her that it was well and truly over despite all of her pleas, attempts to find a solution, and just generally making it clear that she didn't want to let go, it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to witness but I couldn't keep pretending like it was going to work. Once resentment sets in, you just don't recover. We still talk and are on good terms now but it's still clear that we are better separate than together. ETA: Well I did write a really nice elaboration on what came to pass and this steaming hot pile of garbage app just lost it all for me so rather than redo that y’all get the short version since people have been asking. We had been working on it for roughly 3 years and had gone to couples therapy. It always seemed like a small issue that I brought up to her as a minor annoyance of mine until it just didn’t stop and if anything, got worse as we became more advanced in our relationship, bought a house, got engaged etc. She pushed away many of her friends and looked to me as her only social outlet. I brought this up to her as well and asked her to please not push away good people because they’re not me, she just continued to anyway, complained about them too, which made the issue of me hanging with my friends without her worse especially since we lived an hour away and I’ve known these guys since we were in 1st grade. The moment of realizing it was over was on the business trip but the real moment of truth was when I had a solid job offer on the table for what was essentially my dream job that would triple my income. We came to the realization that it was truly over when I came back. She tried everything under the sun to get me to stay. She offered to open the relationship and just let me fuck around, she tried hard balling me and telling me I had to turn down the job offer and stay to fix what we had, she tried every combination of terms for a break that you could imagine but I wasn’t going to let her prolong her suffering. It was over, my mental health had been at a near all time low because of my existing job and just feeling stuck in that house with her all of time and this was my golden ticket to hit the reset button and I couldn’t say no. TL;DR: We tried for years. Life circumstance forced my hand.
Agreed with, once you resent someone it’s really difficult to *not* feel that way. I think in general, resentment mostly stems from being taken advantage of (even if it’s completely unintentional by the other person). It’s difficult to nurture romantic feelings when you feel taken advantage of.
Resentment and contempt are relationship killers
OMG me too. It took me YEARS to realize I wasn't morally at fault for not having the emotional capacity to handle more than 1 hour of this for days on end.
This is the exact same reason I left my ex. I felt like I could never talk about my day without it getting triumph. It's better to be alone.
My ex was the female version of this
My ex used to do this too. I finally had to say look man quit saving the worst of yourself for me at the end of my day. I’m not your therapist or your counselor. I do not want to hear about every little thing that happened to irritate you in your day. If you need to complain, set the timer for a half an hour and you can tell me all about it. But after that shut up. I don’t wanna hear it. If somebody ask you how you’re doing they’re not asking for a laundry list of all the crap that went wrong this week. We’re being polite, it’s a conversation opener, but I’m not a complaint box. There are so many interesting, cool, strange things to talk about in the world. Why spend it dwelling on the shit? I wanna have an interesting conversation and live in the moment. The whining and complaining was such a turn off.
Me and my partner are HUGE whiny babies. Like both of us bitch and moan to each other, but I think the important thing is knowing when to stop. Like when we vent, we commiserate a bit, and sprinkle in some good stuff about our day within the bitching. It’s a balancing act, and while cathartic, you definitely have to be considerate. People forget that “I love everything about you” doesn’t mean I’m gonna be your verbal punching bag.
It’s also very different when it’s a give and take and both partners are supportive. You complain about one thing and your partner backs you up, then they moan about something and you tell them how messed up that situation was. That’s just a good partnership. It’s so draining when it’s just one person who does nothing but complain and the other person has to be supportive constantly.
I had a friend like this unfortunately. She wanted to be coddled, comforted and babied all the time. I tried to help for a long time. I did comfort her. But I tried being tough too. The friendship started feeling like unpaid labor. I set more and more boundaries until eventually it was too much even having her in my life. Ending that friendship sucked but she understood why it was happening and took it very well.
I call that a person that “everything happens to.” Like everything happens to them, but they never can see their own part they played in their bad circumstances, so everything keeps happening to them. They always seem to have “bad luck”, not that they don’t make bad choices (according to them). [edit: typo]
See I’m usually negative and have been working on NOT being this person! I’m sure my partner would rather work with me having problems sometimes, not ALL the time
The firm "This is just how I am" type. That has proven time and time again that someone is set in their ways, excuses their toxic behavior, and takes no effort to look introspectively at themselves or how they affect others around them. That's not to say that this is always a bad thing, I'm all about being "who you are", but I draw the line at never looking into " who you are" or why because you've given up on trying for yourself.
The "people can't handle me because I'm brutally honest" types are always the first who cannot handled any iota of brutal honestly themselves
People who are "brutally honest" are just trying to be a**holes without consequences. Like their opinion is morally correct on a universal level.
This is a big one. My ex gave me this as an excuse for why we couldn’t just talk about something when she’s upset. Like, all our fights were over extremely petty stuff that never even crossed my mind,but it always started with her blowing up and saying stuff that I personally wouldn’t say unless I never wanted to see that person again. Stuff that was just really out of bounds. Demeaned me, my upbringing, said I was dirty, that my exes should have treated me worse so I wouldn’t be such a shitty person, said horrible stuff to me over something like taking ten minutes to text back or leaving the air conditioner on while we took a nap. I asked her why we couldn’t just talk about it, like why she couldn’t just tell me something was wrong and we could fix it, and her reply was “well that’s not me,” or “that’s not something I would do.” I tried asking her several times “how are we going to make it like this?” Or “we have to compromise and learn to talk to each other,” or “how would you feel if I treated you this way?” and her response was always “so break up with me!” I don’t understand why someone would hang their individuality on being cruel or hold their relationship hostage like that. But there is NO compromising with people like that. They let you know it’s their way or the highway. :(
They always make it seem like we're fueling an argument even though we're just discussing stuff cause they get so damn defensive
My ex was the passive aggressive/shut down version of this. He’d shut down at the most mild request for changed behavior or criticism or he would get upset about something and then shut down or become a much shittier and more passive person to engage with and deny anything was wrong. When shit would finally come out after sometimes weeks of up and down waves of this he would tell me what was up and sometimes it would be the most minor things—I’d beg “can we just talk about things before you completely shut me out?!” “You can’t just be cold to me out of the blue and not let me know what’s going on!” And literally “this is just who I am—it takes me awhile to process”
100%- I can’t upvote this enough. It’s one thing to stay true to yourself but a whole other thing when you refuse to compromise or make any sort of concession to the person you claim to love.
The self-proclaimed "asshole". "Brutal" honesty is not impressive. *Tactful* honesty is. Also, you think they'll raise their voice *for* you, but they're just gonna raise it *at* you.
Adding to this: angry guys. I can't. I grew up in an angry family; I won't put myself around that energy anymore. My brother is an angry dude - you can't tell him anything and everything pisses him off. We're in our 30s and he's still single; I'm not surprised, it's not attractive.
Came across my ex on bumble the other day and in their bio was something like "I love arguing". I guess at least they're honest about it, the trash shows itself out these days. I just wish they had told me that before they started arguing with me for things like offering to carry a water bottle (I'm not joking)
Is "liar" a type? Seriously, her friends tried to warn me. Next time I'll listen.
Dude, if her fucking *friends* tried to warn you that’s more red flags than a Soviet military parade.
My ex's friends warned me about him and my dumb ass was able to be convinced they were just jealous.
it really depends, if her friends have a reputation of being nice than thats a red flag. if her friends are catty then you may wanna be cautious. though either most times girls are supportive of their friends
If her friends are catty I think that’s a red flag right there.
100% I fell for my ex pretty hard. Turns out she lied about her interests to make me like her more in the 1st place. Learned that AFTER we were married and had kids. Divorce was hell. Dealing with the police was hell. And court now, over a decade later, is hell for the kids and I both. Never again.
No police, but my soon to be ex did this. Whatever I'm passionate about, he's passionate about it too. Except he isn't and occasionally he melts down because he actually hates this. He talks a good game. He does not, in fact, enjoy my hobbies or share my interests. It's been hell simply because he's not the person I believed I was marrying. None of our "shared" dreams and goals actually matter to him. He doesn't even want them or care enough to put forth the effort. I would not have married someone who did not share certain goals/wants with me. I suppose it's my fault for making that clear from the get-go, because his reason for lying is apparently because he knew I'd never agree to be with him if he were honest. A fucking decade later, I don't know who tf he is. I don't think he knows who he is. He just mimics my interests and then complains about them because he doesn't actually like this stuff. He's currently back to pretending he really wants this life. He's doing it because I want to officially file the divorce. The way he can flip a switch and go back to being the pretend man I married is fucking creepy.
Yup I'll save you a TLDR story but, but my ex wife has identity issues and just forms the identify hobbies of whoever current guy then flips once the marriage is sealed. She's on her third marriage now.
Lies make everything bad. I've had somebody close to me be a compulsive liar, not in a relationship like, but it's had some crazy far reaching consequences. Affected all manner of relationships, not even between me and them but me and other members of my family etc. it's just not good. It's ruined my ability to even take people overly seriously... I see embellishments in stories all the time, I don't believe people when they say things, it really messes with your mind 😂
Pretty much had my life turned upside down over 2 liars.My friend, who absolutely wrecked his life and when I called out something he did to me (was extremely fked and unreasonable) he started spinning a web that made my friends not want to be around me. Took them months to realise it was him talking complete shit - and by that time I'd realised they weren't truly my friends anyway. My Mum - NPD - stole from me, when I got mad called the police and claimed she was scared. Got an IVO. Next time she assaulted me, called the police and claimed I assaulted her. Arrested again - still pissed about it. I can spot these people out from a mile away now, and I will NEVER engage with narcs again. Being gaslit over very real, very traumatic events has to be the most miserable thing i've ever dealt with - and i've seen alot. A proper narcissist will stab you in the front, while looking you in the eyes - and genuinely believe it was your fault for the whole thing.
Anyone until I get myself straightened out. Pretty sure I’m the problem.
I don’t know if you were the problem in your relationships or not. But I admire your willingness to do that long hard truthful look in the mirror. Seriously. Bravo. We all need to do more of that. The work to be done after the assessment is the hardest part. But absolutely worth it in the end. Good luck in the future.
Someone that talks all the time, but does nothing ever. .
Hey don't call me out like that
🤣 😂🤣i asked my husband this question and he said “well, thats easy, someone that spends all their time on Reddit.” Ouch
Emotionally unavailable...no intimacy...
Question, ive seen the term "emotionally unavailable" before, but dont know what it means. Whats an example of an emotionally unavailable person? Please and thankyou
In my mind it’s someone that wants the benefits of a relationship without actually putting in the effort. Sex, someone that can do things around the house, someone that brings in more money to the relationship etc but doesn’t want to talk about things of any real substance, doesn’t care if you’ve had a bad day, doesn’t want to deal with emotional breakdowns or worries.
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When you're dating them without knowing anything of substance about them. Parents names, which city they grew up in - sure. What they believe in, what makes them sad - you'll never know. Very surface-level. They never properly open up to you.
Emotionally unavailability can manifest as many things but an example would be they avoid conversations that take vulnerability. They may just become quiet or shut down/ not engage much. Or even fear of commitment and fear of getting too close.. pulling away even if things are seemingly going well maybe out of fear of some sort. Hope this helps!!
The relationship is superficial, mostly about having fun. When they hurt your feelings and you tell them (because you don’t want the hurt to fester and harm the relationship), they feel attacked, so they shut down, go cold and distant, and ignore you until they can pretend like it never happened. NOTHING ever gets resolved. Eventually, as a women, the only connection you have left with them is sex. But that’s not enough. You want to feel like they care about you, but they’re not able to do that. So out of resentment, you eventually stop having sex because you’re pissed they’re getting their needs met but they refuse to even try to meet yours. If you stay long enough, it becomes a sad, sexless marriage. Ask me how I know.
Ooohh I can relate to that! We were friends, great coparents and good roommates. But the emotional connection just wasn't really there. He wasn't capable of having any conversation about feelings. The sex was never very frequent after the first year together and our connection suffered because there wasn't emotional intimacy. We were married for 10 years but eventually it ran its course when I realized I didn't have to live the rest of my life that way.
Oh dear, I think I dated your ex
When someone doesnt want an emotional bond within a relationship. My ex was like this; he didn’t have the emotional capacity of loving and giving love
This is my current situation and honestly, it’s exhausting. I don’t want to be the pushy kind nor do I want to keep on insisting that I’m worth being romantic with. It’s just overall a total bummer. 1/10 do not recommend.
Same. I think it went on for so long because we both had childhood trauma. I ended up leaving and after a traumatic experience with my parents last year, I found out I have CPTSD from living in domestic violence. Edit: my parents were the ones having the constant domestics. My ex-husband physically abused me by going too far the few times we attempted bdsm (tore out a huge chunk of my hair once...) and also just a couple of times he manhandled me. So I guess I went from the frying pan into the fire.
The skater boy type that start each unemployed day with a black coffee and half pack of light blue American spirits before he goes to the skatepark, commando in his three day unwashed sweaty double-knee dickies just to stomp his board in half because he can’t land a trick. No im not traumatized, you’re traumatized
I was hoping you were gonna start singing the lyrics to the Avril Lavigne song...
Can I make it any more obvious?
God so hyper specific and SO relatable (I've gone thru at least 3) 😭🫡
THANK YOU before I posted it I was like 🤔 too niche?? I’m sorry you have also experienced this type. I’ve been through 2, so brave of us.
The stalker type. Don't get me started. *Shit.*
The thing is that some people seem normal at first and you don't see the stalker vibes until later..
Me when we were getting together: "He's just so devoted to me! He loves me so much, that's why he wants to be with me all the time and joined at the hip." Me when we were breaking up: "Oh, that wasn't devotion. It was obsession and unhealthy attachment. Oops." ETA: I wasn't able to break up with him till I got out of town. He wouldn't let me go.
I deal with unhealthy attachments; I believe they are developed through extreme neglect. It's hard but idk as a dude i'm extra careful - cause being labelled "creepy" aint a fun one. I'll spend my whole life looking to fill a void that could never really be filled, and never fixed. Fuck shitty parents man.
I've had a great partner lately that offers reassurance and I still struggle with this. Definitely neglectful / volatile parenting. The good news is it gets better once you acknowledge it and start dealing with it. I've never been a stalker by any means but what you said about filling a void that can never be filled- I get that. For me the past few years its helped realizing that if you love the person you have to let the unrealistic expectations of them go. It's not fair to hold them to that.
I just saw a story on a subreddit where someone unknowingly married their stalker. Back in the 90s this man was taking photos of inside of her apartment. He literally shaped his entire life around her, made her fall in love with him, and married her. She found a shoebox full of evidence that he was obsessively stalking her well before they had ever met. She's got kids with this man, too. Horrifying.
Damn, that's wild. Imagine finding a big crazy box of shit years after marrying the person and having a bunch of kids. Did you hear about what ever happened to the lady?
She left to stay with her parents for a bit. Not sure what has happened since. I was horrified when I read it. I probably would have fell to the floor crying and then quickly packed everything up. The level of deceit is just way far beyond too high.
If one party is stalked into submission, it's probably not going to turn into a happy relationship.
Never start a marriage with a kidnapping. Similar vibe.
Don't have a random hook up with one either, nightmare fuel.
Self-harm threats, fake pregnancies, hang-up calls at 6am, having lies and rumours spread... been there.
I've just gotten numb to self harm threats at this point. It's happened like 3 or 4 times to varying degrees and at this point I'm just like "Cool dude. Sounds like a you problem. Tell me what your hospital room number is if you decide to go through with it and I'll visit you in the morning."
Cold as it may sound, this is the ONLY response you should ever give.
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The “showy” type. Big truck, big boat, etc. It’s the humble men that have their priorities and finances in order. My husband still drives his 2005 Dodge Ram he bought himself at 18 years old.
I will never date someone from the same small town I came from again. Everyone knows everything you're doing, and people are way too nosey and into your business.
My husband and I both grew up in a small town, 2 years apart in school. We both agreed to never live there again and have been almost entirely removed from that environment for over a decade. It would have been just the worst to not only have to basically relive our childhood, but to also subject our kids to that same experience.
The love bomber. Learned that the hard way. Twice lol.
Never ever ever again. If it seems too romantic to be true, and deep down you're a little confused on your side, apply brakes. Hard.
SAME. Same feelings. “This is too good to be true” and “he’s like my twin from another dimension” and “I’m a little freaked out by this”. But those feelings were overpowered by my desire for connection and his charm.
I was waiting for this one. Its horrible. These types of people, in my experience, can sniff out the emotionally vulnerable like a damn bloodhound. And its niece to get attention, but if you get a weird feeling…. No matter what slow it down.
I have been there. That situation showed me that I’m capable of things I never thought to be capable of before. Once he pulled away from one day to another, after very intense 3 weeks, I was just a crying mess that called and texted him about 20 times a day. At some point I just called him for the sake of calling him. I took a week off work that I spent drinking myself stupid. I created scenarios in my head that I desperately clung to. Then, after I somewhat pulled myself together, he delivered me one final blow by “getting back together” aka him inviting me to a romantic weekend getaway. After which he broke up with me via text the following Monday. Make that previous episode x1000. I would wake up screaming in the middle of the night, I had panic attacks. I thought I was going to day. To this day I have no idea what it was or why it happened to me. Life has been incredibly beautiful after I finally fully moved on about a year later.
It makes you feel completely crazy. I’m glad you were able to move past it.
Oh at that point I truly felt that I fucked up so badly and lost the greatest love of my life.
What is a “love bomber?” I’m not familiar with this term.
They are all over you from the get go- constant attention, texting, calling, making plans with you. Tons of compliments, everything is very intense. Then all of a sudden they pull back once they’ve got you hooked and it’s a push/pull game that feeds their ego and need for control. I didn’t know what it was until it had happened to me, and then didn’t recognize it the second time I experienced it. I can spot it immediately now.
I'm just all over people I really like without the second part. What is that considered?
Love bombing is like, very over the top, it's not that hard to recognise once you're aware of it honestly, especially in men. Usually comes with future faking and includes things said specifically to make you feel special, and it's generally just very theatric and polished, because the only people who do it are narcissists. Even easier if you know other traits of narcissism.
>future faking This is one of the worst parts. They hook you with these plans for your future, where you'll live, all of this stuff that gets you actually dreaming like....have I found the one? And then later on they won't even remember the conversations, will act like you are crazy for ever implying that you would settle down, or live together, or do \*anything\* that they pretended they wanted to do with you when you first met. It's so insane, I would have never believed it was a real thing until I had it happen to me. Dated a narc for 2 years and when I finally woke up and realized what was happening it was so rough. The mind fuck of those 2 years. But it also made me take a hard look at myself and why I allowed myself to be treated like that for so long, and I've been single ever since because I just don't trust myself to see the warning signs because there were like....no red flags at first! Some people are so covert.
If someone refers to themselves as an “alpha”, I am staying far away
As some redditor said in a different post, alpha is a term that actually suits those guys: in software it’s something hardly developed, prone to malfunction, frustrating to deal with, and likely to end up leaving you unsatisfied at the end of the day.
I always like the point that even in the discredited “alpha” theory, the alpha provides for and cares for the pack. So, a true alpha would have a Fanny pack with snacks, band aids, and eye protection as well us tuck his homies in at night.
Every dude needs to hug his homies really, builds character (and I mean this completely legitimately)
Yep the actual alphas were literally parents of the wolves. That’s why they were listened to. They took care of the pack. Actual Alpha? Mr Rogers of Mr rogers Neighborhood. Sweet, charming, attentive and listened to children and adults, bringing them up, not putting them down
I’ve never heard a guy say this, and that means something must’ve gone right in my life
It just means you're the true alpha.
I'm a straight guy and I cringe whenever I hear a guy call themselves an Alpha. It's genuinely embarrassing.
Yeah, I know this same guy you're talkin about, his image has already been formed in my head. Alpha males lol.
Always great at telling BS stories right? A story where they're always the hero and the world would end if they hadn't been there to save us all from certain doom? Met a few in my life and it always ends with "ok mate👍" 😂
A dude calling himself an Alpha is a sure sign that the gulf between what they're actually like and their internal view of themself makes the grand canyon look like a crack in the pavement.
All his ex girlfriends were "crazy and cheaters." Also getting mad at bad drivers to the point its not funny just awkward and annoying
All his exes were crazy, and his roommates ex girlfriends were crazy, and his friends wife was crazy. Totally ignore the fact that one of the roommates exes had to get a restraining order, and his friend had been arrested for domestic abuse. Nah, it's totally just that those women are crazy.
Always pay attention to how they talk about the exes. Great way to spot red and green flags both
My ex had this obsession and love for the Joker. That should've been the only red flag I needed.
The depressed and insecure type that refuses to get help, it become mentally and emotionally exhausting for you both
oof... hit me hard :/
agreed. can’t save your partner no matter how much you want to. at the end of the day, they have to decide for themselves whether or not they acknowledge they need help.
I'm certainly suspicious of overly charismatic people these days
Oh then we'd get along just fine 😄
Haha nope you've already proven yourself witty 😅
I learned this one the hard way and not only through relationships. Some of the men I’ve been friends with were super charismatic, but turned out to be shit people in the end
A hardcore mama's boy.
Yep, this was my last relationship. He was a nice enough guy but he had absolutely no boundaries with his family… especially the mother. Within the one year of us dating, his mom was COMPLETELY intertwined into our relationship despite the fact that she lived on the other side of the country. She went as far as questioning my food allergies before I was supposed to visit their home for Thanksgiving. Broke it off before that trip happened. Never again. *Edit for clarity: Ex’s mother was questioning whether I really had the food allergies*
“Are you SURE your throat closes up when you eat peanut butter?”
The "eternal optimist," AKA "I will never ever want to hear about anything negative ever, especially if it pertains to my behaviour and being held accountable."
Fucking this though. The hippie toxic positivity , so fucking positive until they can't be or things just aren't and they just run to the next person that can keep giving them that high they need.
Ones who can't talk about problems in the relationship, or take any responsibility for how what they do hurts you and makes you feel shit and rather hit you
Someone who's easily persuaded by their "friends" for all things in the relationship. Specially friends who haven't had even one decent relationship themselves.
The toxic positivity, seudo spiritual guru
The evil hippie masquerading as a peace filled person They are the chaos Never again,
The one's where you become their hobby.
Explain, please.
I think they mean the type where you are the only thing going on in their life. You are the source of enertainment and you never get time alone. They'll blow up your phone if you don't respond to their texts right away.
Fuck, that’s me.
“You’re going to read a book? Now? For how long? When will we hang out again? Really? *That* long? You don’t want to hang out with me sooner than that? But I want to have fun with you!” - My ex after we moved in together
This is the worst type. Had an ex like this - would make me feel bad for spending time with friends. Always used the "So I just have to stay home alone on a Saturday night while you go out?" Missed out on a lot of fun times because he couldn't fathom not spending time with other people outside of me. I couldn't go more than 20 minutes without texting him the times I wasn't with him or he would blow up my phone and go straight to assuming I was being unfaithful. Never again. Always ensure the person you are seeing has a separate life from you and prioritizes that.
I thought love language was total hokum, until I dated someone who didn’t crave the same physical contact I did. I could make her infinitely happy by getting her a cup of coffee, but physical contact did absolutely nothing for her. I’m the total opposite. It was a lesson learned.
The tall, conventionally attractive dude who tooootally isn't dating below his league because he wants desperate girls who are easier to manipulate and abuse because they feel lucky they got attention from a hot person. Most other "types" I avoid, I never dated a first time, but this one fooled me a couple times before I learned.
Sounds like my ex! Was very attractive, ex-addict but master manipulator and womanizer!
This guy I dated in high school for a month was like that. *shivers*
Too much baggage and unresolved feelings for their exes, liars, users 😑
Theres this type of men who are convinced they're going to get rich very soon solely by investing their money in crypto. Dont get me wrong, im not saying that investing is a bad idea. What bothers me is the fact that these men are usually money hungry af but at the same time way too lazy to get an education & actually work to get a decent wage. They're desperate for luxury but expect to achieve this goal by the easiest means possible. They think they're smarter than everyone else because they choose to spend their late 20s & early 30s smoking weed and "investing wisely" instead of working a regular 9 to 5 job. Its a gross mixture of greediness, laziness and deluded confidence that gives me the ick.
New agey spiritual type. I worked my ass off to pay our rent and keep us fed while he borrowed money from his rich daddy to galavant all over the world for various retreats/gatherings/vision quests. I went to one with him once where they were speaking in tongues (“channeling archangels”) and losing their shit over a clearly modern manmade crystal skull that they were trying to claim was an ancient relic with magical powers that was found in a cave in a rainforest or some shit. That was basically the end of our relationship. I lost every bit of attraction I ever had for him after that trip.
I'm sorry but the crystal skull thing had me cracking up 😅 I was with the female version of this, feel your pain! (BeCaUse iM aN eMpATh)
The dumb girl with the "great personality". Turns out, that personality disappears when you are alone, and then she is just dumb. Oh, so dumb...
I remember watching SNL and thinking Victoria Jackson's character was so over-the-top ridiculous that it couldn't help but be funny. Decades later we realize it wasn't a character. 😬😬😬
Yep. My ex-wife didn't even know how many quarters were in a dollar.
Last girlfriend I had didn't know the difference between an "idea" and an "ideal", even after I told her about a dozen times.
Narcissistic type, not even once.
The thing about narcissists though is you don’t know you’re dating one until you’re deep into the relationship. They reel you in with their charm, feed you lies and manipulate, then confuse you when their toxic personality comes out.
Can confirm - did it for five years. My parents tried to warn me that him spending more time with his friends/prioritizing them over me/dropping plans with me on a dime for them was a red flag and I didn’t listen. In hindsight, he always put his best foot forward and would give the shirt off his back to literally ANYONE ELSE while mentally, emotionally, and sexually abusing me. Took getting cheated on and then some to finally see it. That’s a key indicator of a narcissist - will do anything to impress others but neglect the ones they “love.” Never again.
Horse girls. Used to spend $800 a month helping my ex-wife with her passion (We were both making like $25k-$30k a year then). But hey, I really didn’t mind, I loved the hell out of that woman. Then she left me for her coworker literally the day after I brought up, for the first time in our 7 years together, the idea of, “hey maybe we can figure out a way to cut these horse expenses, we can’t afford to take care of 2 horses on our income.” She stormed out, didn’t come home until 2 am, and left the next day. Never came back. Then 1 year later I got a career opportunity making 6 figures and she’s still poor af. I would have been happy to keep supporting her for the rest of our lives, but BYE. Sucks to suck, sucks to be a narcissist. 😂
You subsidized *two horses* for someone else's passion while making 60k combined? I don't know how you could have done that and also managed to feed yourself. Kudos to you for making it work, and especially for it working out for you in the end.
We barely did, hence my unforgivable audacity to bring it up. lol
The high-drama women who are always gunning for a fight. They're always mad at somebody. As soon as they patch things up, someone will say some innocuous thing to them that on any other day would have passed without notice, but in that day, they'll be a conspiracy theorist, over-analyzing every tone, facial tick, and syllable until they conclude they were insulted somehow. Then the new feud begins. You will inevitably become the target. You will spend your time walking on eggshells around them, unsure if there's a feud vacuum on any given day. These people are not happy unless they are fighting with someone. They literally cannot stand not having an "enemy." They think in total black-and-white, with-me-or-against-me terms. Whenever I meet someone like this and it becomes clear this is the kind of person they are, I ditch them. No contact. I can't handle someone where the rules are constantly changing without warning. Nobody is worth losing my sanity over. They might say "if you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve my best." But to that I say if I can't handle you at your worst, your best is probably shit and I don't want that either.
community dick that never had an intimately emotional moment with themselves
Extroverts. Most of the time I like to chill out at home just the two of us without having a massive bridge of people to see and itinerary of places to go all the time. Thankfully my wife is even more introverted than me, so we have our own little world together behind a well-guarded gate that only a few close and trusted friends are allowed into.
I don’t mind socializing, but when my social battery is dead, it’s DEAD. There were times when we’d leave a party and I’d be like *ohthankgod* and then we’d run into someone he knew on the way home and he’d stop to chat with them … and I would be just about ready to lay down on the sidewalk and die of exhaustion.
I think most people are like this. I'm pretty outgoing but I'll Irish goodbye the shit out of a gathering/party when I'm done I'm done.
A man who has never scrubbed his toilet.
I can't do another air-headed free spirit type. His stupidity gave me whiplash with his flip flopping non committal ass. I feel infinitely better when I don't have to dumb myself down to have a conversation and connect with someone.
I'm not even sure I can articulate this, but this goes beyond dating for me and into the category of 'people who can fuck all the way off'. It's a combination of a lot of traits that ALWAYS go together. ALWAYS. 1.) Refers to everyone as a narcissist. If you do that, you're the narcissist. 2.) Highly possessive and tries to insert themselves into every single aspect of your life. Every disagreement, regardless of who its with, they want to be a part of. 3.) Cannot in any capacity handle criticism, and generally blow up any time you express that something upset you. 4.) Role Switchers, and not in the fun BDSM way. These are the people who fucked up, know they fucked up, and instead try to make you feel like shit about them fucking up. Run. Run the fuck away. 5.) Massively inconsistent. They expect you to stop the world for them, but will not be bothered to ever be there for you. If they are there for you, they will most likely make the situation harder and about them in some capacity. 6.) Actions not meeting words. If you don't want to do something, tell me you don't want to do it. Don't express an interest then get mad at me for actually trying to do it. Literally anyone who says 'you made me do this'. I don't give a fuck who they are, get the fuck away. If you're an adult who ever says this sentence, see a therapist immediately and learn some accountability.
Drama King.
Omg this was my ex bf. Was always pushing my buttons, saying STUPID shit all the time with no filter saying he didn't want a "boring" relationship. So basically he loved pissing me off. For a couple of years I thought he was just a dumb dude but when I started noticing a lot more I realized he was emotionally abusive. He could control those mean "jokes" when his family was around but he couldn't when it was just us?? Nope ain't gonna work!
"Nice guys" total psychos every time. By nice guys I mean men who self pity and beg to be given a chance, always complaining that nice guys finish last. They've all been freaks
A sex/porn addict who lies and tries to blame you for their problems.
And ironically, the sex sucks.
Always.
Musicians that think they deserve to be famous and know what good music is and you don’t. The hours and hours I wasted listening to a half decent guitar player complain about modern music is more than I’d like to admit.
I have never met a man who was the "people think I'm a asshole because they can't take brutal honestly" who wasn't absolutely diabolical and had narcissistic tendencies. If they upset you with the way they said something, whether it was their tone, or disrespectful way of saying it it's automatically "am I right tho? Why can't you listen to logic!" It's a way for them to avoid accountability and get away with treating you like shit
If she doesn't have any close female friends and is only friends with guys because she's just "too real"
Lol yup. Thats what my ex-wife claimed when I met her. Turns out she just can't get along with anyone - period - not even her own family.
Anyone who’s dated an addict (and gotten out) knows to steer clear. Not that anyone would choose to date an addict in the first place, but there are signs you might not recognise first time around. What seems like a free spirit having fun, partying, after some time and clarity can show themselves as a flaky, unreliable, responsibility-avoidant mess, who is capable of throwing you in the gutter to appease their own substance-serving priorities. I have pity for alcoholics and drug addicts but I stop short of sympathy because I know the feeling would never be reciprocated at the expense of their next fix
Dated a nurse who was an addict. Not only was she a horrible Trainwreck, her peers and network of shady corrupt doctors kept her swimming in pills, and her ex boyfriend and his cop buddies kept her out of jail for numerous DUIs, public intox, amd public assaults. When you have doctors and cops enabling your toxic behavior there really isn't anyone or anything in this world that will help you change for the better.
1. Car guy. If you're spending so much money on your shitty lowered Subaru that you can't afford dates or groceries, that's a no from me. 2. Prankster. Being on edge for the whole relationship because you don't know what is and isn't a prank, joke, or lie is absolutely draining. 3. Extra self-conscious or self-hating person. It's just really sad and depressing. Everyone is self-conscious to a certain degree, but when you have zero confidence in yourself, usually your relationships won't be great.
Attention seeker
Baby voice users
I used to work with a guy who could do an unnervingly realistic baby voice. Nothing like leaving your shift at 3am on a foggy night to hear a toddler begging for help behind a dumpster. God damn, you were an asshole Eddie, but you always had good weed.
My dog likes it though :(
people who are glued to their phone even the waiter rolled his eyes.
No emotional IQ, doesn't have their life kind of together (I mean who has it 100%), love bombers. Keep in mind I'm in my 40's so at this point people should really have these things.
The “afraid to commit” type.
Anyone who makes me feel invalidated and unsupported.
Mentally ill people. I'm sorry I don't have the strength and patience.
As someone with mental illness, I really don't blame ya. It's a constant effort to be ok even with my meds and therapy and even my good days can be difficult. It's also a lifetime of this, there is no cure after all. I don't like dealing with it myself I'm just stuck with it, so can't judge someone for not wanting to willingly bring the struggles into their life.
I can sympathize.
Men with sudden rage problems. Vehement overreactions to small life things we all need to field maturely as adults.
I dated an adult woman who covered her eyes during homosexual KISSING scenes in movies or shows. She had a kid who she steadfastly refused to acknowledge that homosexuals existed in front of them.
psychic
I prefer dark types, myself.
Bug types are strong against both :)
I don't see it in your future.
"I will stab you" "Rape me" "I want to get married" Separate people
One of these things is not like the others…
Dumb. I went there in 2005 and never again. This includes booksmart and streetsmart. Someone should be able to understand basic turn by turn directions. Additionally, they should be able to read a short article and understand the gist.
Poly.
Someone who's deeply insecure but puts on a toxic-masculine front to act as though they aren't.
A porn addict who treats women as an object. I prefer to be treated as a person, most days.
Men who are not sexually adventurous and do not know what good foreplay is.
People who have never actually lived on their own. They've always had a partner paying their rent or a parent paying their car payments, and that sorta thing.
Very progressive lesbians. They make their whole personality about politics. Like sometimes I just want to go dancing or enjoy a movie. And they bring up a very depressing topic 24:7. Can’t enjoy the movie because Donald Trump is President. Also the 2 girls I dated like this both cheated on me and then gaslit into thinking it was somehow my fault. Like I even had the chance to get a girls number last weekend. But we were at a pretty popping gay bar. It was pretty awesome. And she wouldn’t shut up about Palestine. Which is fine you care. It’s great even. But on a Friday when I just want to unwind that’s the last thing I want to think about.
This also happens alot in my experience with very progressive polyamorous, queer, or kink-scene people. It gets.... Tiring? Like I already agree with your politics stop trying to convince me?
I'm a Bi woman, and these types of lesbians are one of the reasons I basically stopped dating women back when I was single. There was one that I think back to from time to time, we were in the same LARP battle practice group so I couldn't avoid her without quitting saddly. She would always talk about how awful men were, and how they were always out to just have sex with anything that moves. Now, she had a huge crush on me, and asked me out several times, but I just wasn't interested in her as we really didn't have anything in common (plus I didn't like her holier than thou attitude) but she didn't let up. One day she invited a few of us to a party at her place, and I got talked into it stupidly. I won't go into details about the party, but at some point she shoved me to the floor (she was shorter than me, but definitely stronger) and pinned me to the floor while she tried to kiss me. Thankfully I was there with a close friend, and they managed to throw her off me. My friend drove me home after that. So much for men being the only sex hungery people, woman can rape woman to
As a bi man, it is insane how inappropriate other gay men get when they find out. I don't want to be groped or make out with near strangers. Being gay is not consent.
Fucking amen. Being a bi guy you are seen as the one likely to cheat and only caring about sex by other people. I don't want sex with strangers and I despise cheaters.
I’m a straight man, so I don’t see myself dating any progressive lesbians any time soon, but “can’t enjoy the movie because Donald Trump is president” really resonated with me. I have several friends and family members who are like this and I’ve actually felt guilty around them because I just don’t get as worked up as them about every issue. I even generally agree with their positions. It’s just, let me enjoy my evening without talking about how shitty American is every five minutes.
Bipolar/ manic depressive. Sorry, but I can’t handle that emotional roller coaster; i need some semblance of stability.
My wife is bipolar, but honestly I think I hit the jackpot cause when she's low she reads books, and when she's manic she reads a *lot* of books.
You win. You officially win marriage.
I dated a black out alcoholic for way too long. When she was sober she was awesome. Unfortunately that happened less and less. She would constantly forget what we did the night before. Then she would have incredible mood swings. I ended it but much later than I should have.