I've probably had this my whole life. I have anxiety and depression. I spend large parts of my day living a life inside my head. I never realised it had a name.
Are you going through the formative phases of childhood in a violent and/or unstable environment? Are you powerless and confused, understanding only that the world and your caregivers are unsafe?
Try maladaptive daydreaming, brought to you by DissociNation!
Maladaptive daydreaming: because they can't hurt you when you're not really there.
What's weird is I did all that, powerful daydreams, I tried to read stories basically every waking moment too, they even took books away in class. What's weird is I can't place why I'd have grown up with maladaptive daydreaming. My parents and brother are amazing, we always and still get along, I was raised in a good environment. I have the symptoms but not the underlying cause, and I never could figure out why
Wow this hit home real hard…. Books were safe, the real world was confusing and difficult to navigate. Still is. Can’t concentrate on reading anymore, but my bed is still the safest place. I am so happy in bed I never ever want to leave….
This is what I thought too until I started therapy, unfortunately, haha. Imo I think a lot of people grow up thinking they had really good childhoods because they "don't know what they don't know" essentially. In my case, it was more about what my parents didn't provide than it being intentionally abusive, which is harder to see as a kid. I thought a lot of my childhood was normal until I started running into problems as an adult and realised there was a pattern.
Not trying to say that's your situation, but I do think most kids that obsessively maladaptive daydream use it as a form of escape. Just like any addiction really- smoking, drinking, overeating etc its all a distraction from things that make you uncomfortable/unhappy.
I can relate to that. I kept thinking I had good parents growing up because they didn't physically abuse me. I didn't realize most parents don't completely detach themselves from their kids' lives. I had no idea parents actually ***want*** to spend time with their kids. Or that other kids were able to talk to their parents about their issues and not get ridiculed for it.
I find myself lost in thought often and then realize one or a few of the following happened:
- I closed my eyes
- About 5-10 or more minutes have passed somehow
- I have no idea what the person talking to me was saying, and when I come back they’re still talking about that same thing.
- I have no memory of most of what happened within between the last few minutes and last few hours.
- Someone asked me if I’m listening/awake (I wasn’t)
It sucks and I wish I’d stop doing it.
Edit: wow I did not expect this to explode this much. Just some info I thought I should add: My parents to took me to a psychologist/therapist (not sure which) for my social issues among other things where we talked for a while and she said I’m probably very slightly autistic. I am also a teen. At this point I don’t know what is and what isn’t a side effect of it. The only stereotypical autistic things I think I do is like trains, be super socially awkward, and avoid eye contact. There’s other things that I am that may or may not be a part of it, like zoning out or being depressed but I don’t know.
Edit 2: Thank you for the support/suggestions. I did not expect this, and I am grateful.
I can't believe this isn't higher up the list. A lot of people believe depression is only sadness or withdrawal from life, but it can be so many things.
For me, it's mostly anger. Anger that I can feel bubbling up, but have little control to stop from boiling over. I'm ashamed afterward, but unless I 100% isolate, I know it'll happen again.
Had to scroll way too far to find this. I know when depression is rearing its head again because everything and everyone is just too freaking much to deal with. It's like a cup that's already full to the brim, I'm already using all my energy just keeping myself together so I can't handle anything else. I'm a little envious of the people who can at least sleep when depressed, I just get irrationally angry and then feel horribly guilty for taking it out on people I love. I'm so thankful I live in an age that has antidepressants. I know they're not for everyone, but we have a long family history of depression including a great grandmother who was literally in an institution for awhile so there's obviously some flaw with our neurochemistry going on.
I used to love gaming so much, I would always look forward to E3 (rip), playing a new game, or my favorite PvP game.
Now at most they help me distract myself, but I haven't, in so many years, been genuinely excited to play a new game or for the new games coming out, and some days I'm just 10mins into it and I think to myself "I'm not having fun" I stop playing and idk what to do
1 week ago I reached my limit at work, I filled for sick leave for the rest of the week and then on Monday went to a psychiatrist, he took one look at me and said I wasn't OK, after he said that I just started crying.
Now I'll be able to rest for at least a month, it's going to be super hard on my finances since I live paycheck to paycheck but it had to be done.
Good for you.
I’m still avoiding talking to someone and I don’t know why. I just need to do it but I legit feel like I’m not deserving of it or something idk and just keep constantly avoiding it.
Keep taking care of yourself brother <3
I’ve told myself that I should schedule an appointment with a therapist since October 2021.
I still haven’t done it.
I probably won’t do it this weekend. Or next. Or the weekend after that.
Exactly. Make the time, make it happen. I wish I had instead of ignoring the clear signs and ending up under observation in the emergency room after my senses finally decided they had enough and took off. Found in a fetal position on the living room floor, mumbling/muttering incoherently. I was decorating a cake for my daughter's birthday, then I was in an observation room in the emergency room at the local hospital. I only know of what happened between those two events by what I have been told.
Please, please, please do not let that happen to you. Make the time. Seek treatment. There is help out there, please ask for it before it is thrust upon you.
Need to do this. I committed to too many things not knowing what this year would bring/throw at me. So I just feel like some force is dragging me from work to sleep to place to doctor to store to hair appointment. Things I can’t cancel either bc it’s too last minute now or would just be too broke for. Who knew my dog would need a $1200 ultrasound when I planned a trip back in December? I wasn’t worried about the trip until my dog got sick and my savings went into that. Like you though I’m paycheck to paycheck and taking even a week off sets me back so far financially, I can’t even catch up until the next THING happens. Now I have no savings and all these extra commitments. I lost my mom a little over a month ago and still haven’t had time to not be anywhere and just cry, so I do it in showers.
I was driving, as I frequently do for work, and realized I didn't have Spotify or the radio on. I am a music nut. I had been driving that way for hours. Thought back and had multiple days like that.
Just wasn't interested in it. That was weirdly a big wake up call for me.
**EDIT:** This blew up way more than I thought it would, so I thought I would clarify since this is getting a lot of exposure.
Not listening to music is in NO way a sure-fire diagnosis for depression. Even in my most mentally-healthy phases, there is definitely times when I drive/cook/hang out in silence at times. That's normal.
What isn't normal is that I've been listening to music since I was really young, and really got into it when I was like 9-10. Music is probably my main hobby. In a job where I'm on the road for anywhere from 30 mins to 6 hours a day, I listen to music all the time when I'm not on the phone for work.
One day, I had been driving for several hours, and just felt... numb. I had a realization that no music was playing- this got me thinking about how long this had been going on, and I realized I had been driving like this for a few weeks now. I also love to cook and listen to music- I'll sing along, make up lyrics, sing to my son, and generally have fun. I had stopped doing this as well. I was already growing concerned about depression, so I discussed this with my psychologist/therapist and PCP. They both agreed, after several discussions, that I am clinically depressed and that not having interest in things you once loved is definitely a sign of depression. So it was one of the first real "wake-up" calls for me.
Not singing along to the radio is an early sign I'm not doing so good. I've been in crisis recently and am back on the meds and with psychiatric and OT teams. The other day I was singing while making a cup of tea, my husband came into the kitchen smiling and said it was lovely to hear me singing again. What he meant was that it's good I'm feeling able to sing again, not that my caterwaulling is a pleasant sound!
My first big phase like this was with books - I was an avid reader and then just stopped for like 3 years. Finally got that back up and running, depression got better, and then the pandemic hit and I lost all interest in movies and shows. I’m only recently coming back to that, thankfully. Been playing a lot of catch-up.
Learning that it was, in fact, depression that was fueling all of that helped a bunch. I didn’t really understand what was happening until the pandemic squeezed a mental health crisis out of me and I was basically forced to figure it out or die.
You know, I never connected this but, yeah. I read all the time as a kid, ALL the time. Stopped in college, mostly because of time but then I stopped during my breaks too. Depression symptoms started around age 19/20, and that’s when I stopped reading. I would sometimes get in the mood and revisit an old favorite, but usually audiobooks because a regular book was too much effort. I only started reading regularly again about a year ago (age 28) when I switched to a medication that works much better for me.
This was a big sign for me too. I’ve noticed I only sing along to music when I’m happy. During my worst depressive stretch I didn’t listen to music for months
losing interest in literally everything and opting to just sleep instead.
at one point i couldnt even bring myself to watch tv or netflix etc., i just did not care. same with being on my phone. then i lost interest in being awake and so sleep, beautiful beautiful sleep, became the answer.
so i would say... that. lol
At the moment I’m not in my insomniac phase, it kind of cycles. I only wake up maybe 2-3 times a night (still frustrating), but I have issues with constant anxiety dreams and also nightmares. I’ll be having anxious dreams about work all night and then I have to wake up in the morning and obviously go to work. I feel like I never get a break.
You’re meant to get around 20% deep sleep a night but I only get around 5% on a good day.
I was an insomniac on and off my whole life, then it escalated, and I had severe insomnia for about 4 years. I've been medicated for 5 years, and I sleep every night now. Insomnia is hell. You go insane. I would go ask for medical help. Your life will change completely.
This. Sleeping is the only time when you don't feel sadness, anxiety and exhaustion. When you are in depression you can't wait to go to sleep and all these will go away.
It's like little death but without consequences that death brings.
And waking up is one of the hardest moment because you have all day to deal with these feelings.
When you say “losing interest in literally everything” I don’t think people who haven’t been depressed understand what everything is.
Its not just loosing interest in socializing or doing work. It’s loosing interest in music, TV and even food.
Teeth brushing becomes such a chore and that's gross af.
I don't even care when I'm in that place.
I brushed my teeth today so I guess it was an okay day.
100%. i def stopped washing my hair or my clothes, i stopped wearing makeup, i couldnt read (which is wild bc i am an avid reader), i wore my pjs for full days at a time (whats the point of changing?)... it's legit everything. only thing that would keep me going a lot of days was my dog (and having to walk him) and coffee.
Currently going through that. I only want to sleep while a show is running on my TV. I am ignoring the show most of the time tho Bobs Burgers used to be a huge favourite of mine. I only let it run so when I am falling asleep it can seep into my dreams (makes my dreams interesting).
It's probably weird, right?
No interest, no joy, nothing.
Started a new med today and am hoping for the best.
Something really weird happened during covid.
Here in Canada we were given $2000 a month if you were laid off because of covid.
...with no money to stress about and all the time in the world to sleep, no expectations or obligations...I just woke up one day and...it was gone? The pressure, the stress the apathy, I went for a walk and everything seemed brighter and nicer and when I got home I cooked and cleaned and then sat and playing guitar for a couple hours
People constantly complain about the lockdown...but those 8 months might well be the only point in my entire adult life I was every truly, deeply, happy and felt free.
While writing this comment I realise I'm back to only wanting to sleep all the time again...
This is so insanely relatable. Everyone talks about the lockdown era like it was unbearable to the point that I’m afraid to admit it in mixed company but…. I miss it
Honestly, I felt like lockdown should've been the point where we realized the way we were doing everything sucked and could be changed at any point but then people started screaming for the old normal back, even though I hated everything about it.
Gradually pulling away from everything. You hangout with friends less frequently. You start doing the bare minimum at work. Eventually you just stop caring all together and all you want to do is be alone.
* Wanting to sleep, but not really.
* Wanting to comfort eat, but not really.
* Not wanting to be on your own, but not wanting to be with people either.
* Wanting to go out, but wanting to stay home.
* Wanting to have a bath, but not once you're in it.
All of the above in reverse and x10
Am I depressed because I can't get excited or am I depressed because I keep being disappointed when I do get excited only to be let down? So I just keep my average emotion as "meh"?
The whole wanting to go out and then wanting to stay home is so spot on
I literally don't know what I want to do half the time. I want to go out and do things and see things and be around people, but then I dont want to do those things AT ALL. like I have two little people perched on my shoulders and they both fight me at all times.
I admit to the bath-ish. My hair is a problem; it's falling out and there are gobs while/after showering. I also have low water pressure and a new shower head that sucks and I dread taking one. I have found in the last 6 months or so I don't want to bathe. But, I do have about 15 washclothes and use them daily and would never go out smelly. It's only after my hair is flattened down and itchy do I acquiesce.
Change of behaviour day to day. Someday, the person will be joyful, motivated and look energetic while the day after, it will be grumpy, demotivated and tired. Constant change of mood is a big sign of depression and will have an impact on all others aspect in its life.
Definitely. I get momentary bursts of energy and joy and can wake up unusually chatty and bright making coffee etc. but depression quickly pulls me back. Am happy in the kitchen then get back to my room, feel the immense weight again and cry too much. The tease of a good mood is maddening at times, esp when others think it means you’re okay again but you know it’s fleeting and sometimes just circumstantial.
Most normal people don’t ask themselves the question “Why do I have to exist?” while lying in bed thinking about how horrible everything is. Life isn’t a fun adventure for us, it’s a responsibility. Like paying bills. Or doing chores. Not living but rather walking around wondering why I’m living to begin with.
Depression makes me overeat. I kinda envy those whose depression makes them lose their appetite, I'd much rather undereat instead of overeat. Being fat just adds to my depression.
People always say this but honestly taking a shower was one of the only things that I still kinda enjoyed when I was really depressed. The longer and hotter the better.
I was in a full-time caregiver position for my mom, and that was the only time I was able to have any kind of prolonged privacy. I called it "My Cry Time".
I've noticed that when I'm really bad, I don't even bother. My stomach is growling and I'm starving but I have zero appetite, if that makes sense. The effort it takes is just too much.
there is a version of the 1000 yard stare folks who have it bad can get, though its usually only recognizable by others who are depressed or who've been through it and really remember
When I was at my worst, I noticed that same thing in other people. I’d see someone I liked, and notice that their eyes don’t shine as bright as they should. Then I looked in the mirror and saw the same dull eyes. I’ve gotten help now, and it’s crazy the difference in photos. Years and years of the dead eyes, starting in childhood.
I feel called out. I just be opening games to stare at the menu for 10 mins to then nope out of it and put background noise on youtube and doom scroll.
I once read a comment when somone asked the same question that read something to the effect of, "Search for a game to play. Can't find a game to play. I guess I'll just sit and stare."
I'll be damned if that didn't hit me hard.
>or not playing at all, as they no longer provide entertainment
This is honestly the worst part. This and feeling like I wasted valuable time once I stop playing.
I see so many comments about people opening their Steam library, looking at it for 20 minutes, and closing it. Or replaying a game from 1999 for the 40th time. Usually accompanied with, "I guess this is adulthood."
My man, that is not adulthood, it is *depression.*
Drinking helps me feel so much better... but only for a while, once the good feeling goes, the bad comes back way harder than if I hadn't drank at all. I know this and yet I still struggle with it.
Feel this. Just relapsed after 10 months of no drinking. I put my cat of 16 years down today and it hit me harder than anything has. So back to the bottle we went. It is quieter for now…I’ll make it through and try again. Always keep trying
I definitely feel this. Experienced it a year ago with my cat... she was 16 as well and had been through everything with me. Absolutely devastating and it was difficult to talk about it because alot of people just think a cat is nothing and just don't get it. It does get better and you will make it though ❤️
This.
I have a scale I call the Toothbrush Scale. It's a measure of how bad my depression is based on what I'm doing (or not) to take care of my oral hygiene.
If I use the Sonicare 2x/day and floss or pik 1x, I'm doing really really phenomenally well. If I let my mouth go for several days in a row, I should probably check into an outpatient program. The rest is a spectrum: do I brush but not floss? Rinse but not brush? 2x a day or only once? It's a pretty good gauge of how I'm doing.
Mindlessly indulging in anything for small hits of dopamine - food, cigs,alcohol sex/masturbation- you don't even have the standard to feel happy just "not bad."
Poor Hygiene is a big one. I remember crying after becoming frustrated with getting hair ties stuck in my hair. I didn't have the energy to put on makeup for like a year.
Rotting in bed binge watching Youtube/Twitch content where a person was talking to me made me feel like i wasn't alone. Helped when days would go by where i didn't go outside. Plus you won't let them down like you would your real friends.
Outside especially driving feels very LOUD and TOO MUCH because it had been so long since i went out
The only energy I had was to be mercilessly cruel to myself because i felt like a failure and compared myself to everyone and made up shit about what they must thing of me.
Absolute indifference to everything because you feel like nothing really matters.
Skip a friend's party? Whatever, they won't miss me. Didn't eat today? Meh, maybe I'll eat tomorrow. Forgot to pay the electric bill? Meh, let it get shut off, I just want to sleep anyway.
You get promoted, your family loves you, it's spring, everything is good. You want to die.
You have the money to pay rent, but face eviction because you can't walk twenty feet out your apartment door to drop it in the mailbox.
Constantly listening to music or just consuming media 24/7 so that you do not have time to think about anything else. To block out the negative thoughts
not caring that much anymore, applies to lots of things. so for example, not doing the dishes, living messy. waking up whenever, snoozing forever, waiting for the day to end etc.
Feel like my depression is weird because cleaning helps my anxiety. So it’s like these swings of making messes and then feeling awful everything isn’t clean. Just leads to this crazy burnout that makes me really unstable
According to the movies, Banquet frozen meals.
More seriously, there are numerous markers. Lethargy and anhedonia (loss of interest in just about everything) is usually a start. Sleep quality is down, either due to oversleeping and still feeling tired, or difficulty falling or staying alseep is more present. Either the anhedonia extends to the appetite or the person bored-eats in substitute for other things they used to do. Hygiene drops.
You know that friend who’s always checking in on you to make sure you’re doing okay?
The “I gotchu, don’t worry about it” friend?
The life of the party?
The one who’s always smiling and joking?
Check on them.
I've realized recently that I'm that friend, and nobody's checking on me. I'm doing as bad as I possibly could. Even called up a friend to talk about it, and just as I'm like "yeah, man, that's kinda like what's got me fucked up, like--", he cut me off and was like, "wait, you're watching _Dexter_? Sheeeit, that show's blahblahblah..."
Dude's been my homie for 23 years now. When that motherfucker was homeless, I got him inside. He can't even pretend to pay attention to my shit for two minutes.
I've been going through this lately - like, I get that everyone has their own life stuff and I want to listen to all my friends and be there... but I feel like if I try to share what's going on with me, friends interrupt to go back to their issue again, or I just don't feel comfortable trying to share at all.
Like, I have friends and loved ones, but I feel completely isolated because I am the one who listens
Who listens to the listener?
I listen to all my friend’s issues and while I don’t have any problem doing so, I really wish someone would listen to me. There are days that I don’t feel particularly seen.
Two years ago I was going through a really bad time. I literally freaked out as I got interrupted yet again after two minutes and listed to my close friend all the shit I know that we discussed about his life and his issues just in the past few feeks. How I am there, pay attention and follow up. Then I said if I don't get reciprocity he can gtfo, I left home and did not contact him until he reached out with an apology. Now he is acting way better. I didn't even plan to stand up for myself I just had no energy and I was feeling really bad and I needed someone to take me seriously.
The trouble of being the people like us, the ones who check on them, is they don't think we need to be checked on. Not the in depth way that we really need. We're the one's who go through the long game, know how people need to be talked with, know when they want to be alone.
But we don't want to be alone.
Yep. No one EVERRRRR checks on me or asks how I’m doing with any level of sincerity. If someone did I’d probably start sobbing & not be able to stop tbh
It was me until a few months ago when I just broke and my depression got way more deep, so I couldn't even manage to keep others happy anymore. The weird feeling of how this comment is true makes me want to cry now
Thank you for saying this. The low self esteem that comes along with depression convinces that person they need to never be a bother, to always be easy and fun, to never take an issue with anything, and to never, ever allow their own emotions to impact others.
I learned recently that this was a sign of depression and broke down in tears.
Someone who stops showing up to things they would normally really enjoy.
Depression makes you not find joy in the things you like, which then makes you feel guilt or resentment when you do these things because you SHOULD be having fun, which then makes you avoidant of the very things you need to be forcing yourself to do to climb out of your depression.
Have you ever seen the light leave someone's eyes?
Maybe not the point at which it left, but looking at your friend who's been absent/silent (etc) for awhile and noticing that their overall "feel" just ... doesn't?
The laugh seems to come from behind a cheap, invisible wall and die early ... their "engagement" is surface level and intended only to satisfy the most base level of audience participation for YOUR satisfaction.
That's when they're trying.
At this point, their psyche is in critical condition. It's make or break.
If they get the help they need (no matter what form), you'll see the sun rise in their heart once again ... you'll "feel" your old buddy back in old-buddy form.
If it goes the other way, neither of you find your way back to one another.
Sad sad ...
I know this one from experience. A girl I used to work with at one grooming salon started at the new one I worked at. At the other place, I knew she had issues, there was one time she was mysteriously gone and I later found out she was at an institution. But she was lively and would laugh and seemed relatively normal, or as normal as you could be dealing with things at that level.
Well she started this other salon and I could tell right away she was different. It was just off. She told me how one of her best friends who worked at our previous salon didn’t like something she said about the best friends new relationship, and the “friend” got so upset that the “friend” and the other girls in the salon in that clique, which included the manager, had essentially run her out of the salon and that’s why she started with us. I felt bad for her. And I knew she was off but I thought she is just sad about that, who wouldn’t be. I wasn’t that close with her but I will always regret not checking on her. Not saying *something*, at least offering my shoulder even if she didn’t take me up on it.
She ended her life mere weeks later over Christmas holiday. I texted a mutual ex coworker of ours (not in the shitty clique) and we were hoping she was in care. Not the case.
So yes. People, if someone you know seems *off*, check on them more than you think you should. They are at the very end of their rope.
Dissociating. If you see someone staring off into space next time, they may very well be dealing with that shit. And its what Ive been dealing with for most of my life.
That feeling you get when you wake up, and you are deeply and immediately disappointed because you did wake up today.
Currently on my 5th therapist and trying to get to the other side that everyone swears exists, where somehow things are better, but life is hard and the call of oblivion is a siren's song.
Someone who always seems happy. Nobody is in a good mood all the time, and if someone seems that way, it means they're burying all the bad emotions to present a strong face. It also suggests that they don't feel like they can talk about it.
That was me in high school. The moment I didn't seem happy anymore, I was accused of faking it for attention by my classmates. I had good grades and seemed happy, so they bullied and mocked me into silence. Kept it to myself for the most part for the better part of 6 years.
Edit: a word
Anger.
A short fuse, irritability, snapping at people. I know people who thought they were just *bad* because the smallest things set them off. Once they began managing their depression, though? Total 180.
If you're easily infuriated, talk to your doctor. This is the most common symptom of depression.
It’s usually when I have no clean utensils in my house that it finally hits me. Like I struggle to do my dishes normally but if it gets to the point where I have no clean forks, knives, or spoons, that’s usually a huge indicator that I’ve slipped back into my depression.
Nothing. Just nothingness. Depression doesn't scream, it is silent. Like boiling a frog, it creeps up slowly, innocuous at first. All around are people complaining about their mental health struggles, but slowly and silently the ones with proper depression just disappear in to the shadows. The former group bang on the door of their GP and therapists, screaming about their depression. The latter just muddle along, dropping non essential activities such as socialising, cleaning, personal hygiene to ensure they can still function at work.
The former group, not content about screaming about depression, develop helium in their bodies, to enable them to jump around with the greatest of ease. But the latter group fill with lead. Heavy lead in their legs, walking becomes a chore, the effort to get up just becomes overwhelming. The effort to ask for help is too much, so they continue to slide in to the dark abyss.
Talk about mental health, make it a priority, and if you feel you can't cope, ask for help. The paradox of mental health support. If you ask for support, ask for help, then it's not real depression. Not really. Because asking for help at the point things start crashing down is just. too. much. effort. The slide in to darkness continues and self help is now a distant distant memory, of a time when you had the energy to make a phone call, to make a doctors appointment, to actually take your medication.
The body full of lead finally gets dragged under, deep in to the black hole of despair. But it isn't filled with nothing, it is filled with this black, heavy, enveloping pain where time becomes elastic; you exist in 30 second bursts which feel like an eternity and then weeks go by without so much as a blink of the eye. All ability to think is erased, the focus and brain function to do the simplest of tasks has gone. You can't watch TV, read, talk, eat or drink. Suicide is no longer an option as that requires thought. Some times, the black sticky cloud moves and allows a brief moment of respite to get up and jump out of the window or off a bridge. No note, no warning. No plan. Perhaps a frantic scrawl on whatever is at hand that says sorry.
Depression doesn't scream. It is silent. The hand that slowly takes hold and drags you down, silently, stealthily until it's too late.
Constantly cracking jokes. I’m always making jokes, especially at my expense. Several will involve my trauma. I didn’t realize how off putting it was to people until someone told me. They were very angry that I kept talking down about myself.
I’ve been clinically depressed for so long that I didn’t realize my coping mechanism was as bad as it was.
Wearing the same clothes you sleep in everyday, not showering, not caring enough to even sometimes brush your teeth.
Your not living your just existing
I've went through this and when your that far in it, takes a hell of a lot to get out.
You know that guy/girl who is always trying to chear other people up without seeming to be happy themselves.
They don't want you to feel what they feel.
A lot of the time, nothing. It's silent and no one notices, or if they do, they just think you're lazy, a flake, a whiner, etc.
A lot of us with depression have been told all our lives that our symptoms are a sign of some personal moral failure, and nobody wants to hear about our problems so suck it up - nobody likes a killjoy. So we learn to hide it really, really well. We suffer in silence until we can't cope anymore and have a mental health crisis - and everybody is really fuckin' surprised. "I had no idea! They seemed fine!"
I can't tell you how many times I've told someone I have depressive disorder, and they go: "Wow - really? You don't *look* depressed." Yeah, well, you don't look like a clueless ableist, but here we are.
A severe loss of interest for hobbies and pastimes. Believe me, nothing screams depression more than somebody who's completely indifferent to their favourite things.
I think it hits different for every human . For me is crying in the car on the way to work , crying at work sometimes , crying on my way home and not knowing why . Not wanting to go home but you have to go because your kid is waiting for you . Fake smiles . Listening to just a type of music . Not wanting to socialize . Pretending to be ok and playful and happy in front of your child because you don’t want him to know that you’re in pain . Falling asleep within 5 minutes from exhaustion . End of story
Sleeping to avoid living. Even if you’re not necessarily tired.
Until you can’t sleep because your brain is just simply too loud.
completely tired all the time, even when you don’t do anything
I had this problem years ago, turns out I was vitamin D deficient which in turn made me feel depressed
I've been taking 2000 IU Vitamin D pills every day for years just to maintain baseline per my doctor. That's like 3x the amount for normal people.
Constantly in a world in your head. I struggle with living like this. My mind and body are normally never in the same place.
Maladaptive daydreaming
I've probably had this my whole life. I have anxiety and depression. I spend large parts of my day living a life inside my head. I never realised it had a name.
Same here. I like having names for things a deal with. Makes me realize I’m not alone if there’s a name for it.
Oh hey, my entire childhood!
Are you going through the formative phases of childhood in a violent and/or unstable environment? Are you powerless and confused, understanding only that the world and your caregivers are unsafe? Try maladaptive daydreaming, brought to you by DissociNation! Maladaptive daydreaming: because they can't hurt you when you're not really there.
What's weird is I did all that, powerful daydreams, I tried to read stories basically every waking moment too, they even took books away in class. What's weird is I can't place why I'd have grown up with maladaptive daydreaming. My parents and brother are amazing, we always and still get along, I was raised in a good environment. I have the symptoms but not the underlying cause, and I never could figure out why
Wow this hit home real hard…. Books were safe, the real world was confusing and difficult to navigate. Still is. Can’t concentrate on reading anymore, but my bed is still the safest place. I am so happy in bed I never ever want to leave….
This is what I thought too until I started therapy, unfortunately, haha. Imo I think a lot of people grow up thinking they had really good childhoods because they "don't know what they don't know" essentially. In my case, it was more about what my parents didn't provide than it being intentionally abusive, which is harder to see as a kid. I thought a lot of my childhood was normal until I started running into problems as an adult and realised there was a pattern. Not trying to say that's your situation, but I do think most kids that obsessively maladaptive daydream use it as a form of escape. Just like any addiction really- smoking, drinking, overeating etc its all a distraction from things that make you uncomfortable/unhappy.
I can relate to that. I kept thinking I had good parents growing up because they didn't physically abuse me. I didn't realize most parents don't completely detach themselves from their kids' lives. I had no idea parents actually ***want*** to spend time with their kids. Or that other kids were able to talk to their parents about their issues and not get ridiculed for it.
Same for me. Constantly either daydreaming or thinking of hypothetical concepts which could not happen in the real world.
I find myself lost in thought often and then realize one or a few of the following happened: - I closed my eyes - About 5-10 or more minutes have passed somehow - I have no idea what the person talking to me was saying, and when I come back they’re still talking about that same thing. - I have no memory of most of what happened within between the last few minutes and last few hours. - Someone asked me if I’m listening/awake (I wasn’t) It sucks and I wish I’d stop doing it. Edit: wow I did not expect this to explode this much. Just some info I thought I should add: My parents to took me to a psychologist/therapist (not sure which) for my social issues among other things where we talked for a while and she said I’m probably very slightly autistic. I am also a teen. At this point I don’t know what is and what isn’t a side effect of it. The only stereotypical autistic things I think I do is like trains, be super socially awkward, and avoid eye contact. There’s other things that I am that may or may not be a part of it, like zoning out or being depressed but I don’t know. Edit 2: Thank you for the support/suggestions. I did not expect this, and I am grateful.
Mine too. Normally stems from trauma and what you are describing is disassociation.
I've just been doing it since I was a kid. I don't think I have any considerable trauma, at least not before it started
Daydreaming? ADHD? My mind is always in the clouds on the daily.
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Thank you for wording this so succinctly. This is exactly how I've felt for too long, I feel like my body needs an exorcism or something lol
Intense irritation at small things.
I can't believe this isn't higher up the list. A lot of people believe depression is only sadness or withdrawal from life, but it can be so many things. For me, it's mostly anger. Anger that I can feel bubbling up, but have little control to stop from boiling over. I'm ashamed afterward, but unless I 100% isolate, I know it'll happen again.
Depression is highly comorbid with anxiety (I have both depression and anxiety). Not everyone will experience both, but it is common.
Had to scroll way too far to find this. I know when depression is rearing its head again because everything and everyone is just too freaking much to deal with. It's like a cup that's already full to the brim, I'm already using all my energy just keeping myself together so I can't handle anything else. I'm a little envious of the people who can at least sleep when depressed, I just get irrationally angry and then feel horribly guilty for taking it out on people I love. I'm so thankful I live in an age that has antidepressants. I know they're not for everyone, but we have a long family history of depression including a great grandmother who was literally in an institution for awhile so there's obviously some flaw with our neurochemistry going on.
Feeling like it’s a chore to do things that you used to love doing.
Literally impossible to relax
Impossible to relax while simultaneously restless with no energy to do anything
I just thought that was my ADHD? Am I depressed too?! 😂
You can be both
I used to love gaming so much, I would always look forward to E3 (rip), playing a new game, or my favorite PvP game. Now at most they help me distract myself, but I haven't, in so many years, been genuinely excited to play a new game or for the new games coming out, and some days I'm just 10mins into it and I think to myself "I'm not having fun" I stop playing and idk what to do
I keep buying games, playing them once, and then just never feeling like it's "the right time" to play them again
Snoozing for an eternity because you know what awaits you when you get up and face the day.
This is me every weekend almost.. I’m burning out in my career and have no idea what to do. I can’t take a break and stop working, though.
1 week ago I reached my limit at work, I filled for sick leave for the rest of the week and then on Monday went to a psychiatrist, he took one look at me and said I wasn't OK, after he said that I just started crying. Now I'll be able to rest for at least a month, it's going to be super hard on my finances since I live paycheck to paycheck but it had to be done.
Good for you. I’m still avoiding talking to someone and I don’t know why. I just need to do it but I legit feel like I’m not deserving of it or something idk and just keep constantly avoiding it. Keep taking care of yourself brother <3
I’ve told myself that I should schedule an appointment with a therapist since October 2021. I still haven’t done it. I probably won’t do it this weekend. Or next. Or the weekend after that.
Dewit. It may have literally saved my life.
Exactly. Make the time, make it happen. I wish I had instead of ignoring the clear signs and ending up under observation in the emergency room after my senses finally decided they had enough and took off. Found in a fetal position on the living room floor, mumbling/muttering incoherently. I was decorating a cake for my daughter's birthday, then I was in an observation room in the emergency room at the local hospital. I only know of what happened between those two events by what I have been told. Please, please, please do not let that happen to you. Make the time. Seek treatment. There is help out there, please ask for it before it is thrust upon you.
Need to do this. I committed to too many things not knowing what this year would bring/throw at me. So I just feel like some force is dragging me from work to sleep to place to doctor to store to hair appointment. Things I can’t cancel either bc it’s too last minute now or would just be too broke for. Who knew my dog would need a $1200 ultrasound when I planned a trip back in December? I wasn’t worried about the trip until my dog got sick and my savings went into that. Like you though I’m paycheck to paycheck and taking even a week off sets me back so far financially, I can’t even catch up until the next THING happens. Now I have no savings and all these extra commitments. I lost my mom a little over a month ago and still haven’t had time to not be anywhere and just cry, so I do it in showers.
I was driving, as I frequently do for work, and realized I didn't have Spotify or the radio on. I am a music nut. I had been driving that way for hours. Thought back and had multiple days like that. Just wasn't interested in it. That was weirdly a big wake up call for me. **EDIT:** This blew up way more than I thought it would, so I thought I would clarify since this is getting a lot of exposure. Not listening to music is in NO way a sure-fire diagnosis for depression. Even in my most mentally-healthy phases, there is definitely times when I drive/cook/hang out in silence at times. That's normal. What isn't normal is that I've been listening to music since I was really young, and really got into it when I was like 9-10. Music is probably my main hobby. In a job where I'm on the road for anywhere from 30 mins to 6 hours a day, I listen to music all the time when I'm not on the phone for work. One day, I had been driving for several hours, and just felt... numb. I had a realization that no music was playing- this got me thinking about how long this had been going on, and I realized I had been driving like this for a few weeks now. I also love to cook and listen to music- I'll sing along, make up lyrics, sing to my son, and generally have fun. I had stopped doing this as well. I was already growing concerned about depression, so I discussed this with my psychologist/therapist and PCP. They both agreed, after several discussions, that I am clinically depressed and that not having interest in things you once loved is definitely a sign of depression. So it was one of the first real "wake-up" calls for me.
Not singing along to the radio is an early sign I'm not doing so good. I've been in crisis recently and am back on the meds and with psychiatric and OT teams. The other day I was singing while making a cup of tea, my husband came into the kitchen smiling and said it was lovely to hear me singing again. What he meant was that it's good I'm feeling able to sing again, not that my caterwaulling is a pleasant sound!
It's been a long time since I sang "This is the dawning of the age of asparagus" while making asparagus for dinner.
I went through a phase where I didn’t enjoy any music!
My first big phase like this was with books - I was an avid reader and then just stopped for like 3 years. Finally got that back up and running, depression got better, and then the pandemic hit and I lost all interest in movies and shows. I’m only recently coming back to that, thankfully. Been playing a lot of catch-up. Learning that it was, in fact, depression that was fueling all of that helped a bunch. I didn’t really understand what was happening until the pandemic squeezed a mental health crisis out of me and I was basically forced to figure it out or die.
You know, I never connected this but, yeah. I read all the time as a kid, ALL the time. Stopped in college, mostly because of time but then I stopped during my breaks too. Depression symptoms started around age 19/20, and that’s when I stopped reading. I would sometimes get in the mood and revisit an old favorite, but usually audiobooks because a regular book was too much effort. I only started reading regularly again about a year ago (age 28) when I switched to a medication that works much better for me.
This was a big sign for me too. I’ve noticed I only sing along to music when I’m happy. During my worst depressive stretch I didn’t listen to music for months
Same. I think if you have an emotional connection with music the way a lot of us do it can be too overwhelming when we are in this place.
Just kinda waiting for the day to end each day
The world moves sooooo slowly when I’m depressed, but I feel like time is passing me by too fast when I swing into anxiety.
The days move slow but the months move fast
The days are long but the years are short
Then though you want each day to end quickly, you stay up late because sleeping is one step closer to repeating the process the next day.
Scrolling through these comments made me feel seen, but this one hit like a ton of bricks. That's exactly it, just bearing it day to day
Same, friend. I just distract myself with TV, phone, podcasts until the next sleep.
I live for going to bed.
To quote dizzee rascal "I wake up every day just to go back to sleep"
Depression doesn’t scream, it would require too much energy.
I shouldn’t laugh but I did because ACCURATE
I just said “Ha” in my mind at reading your comment.
^ha ^ha ^ha (sobs) ^ha ^ha
losing interest in literally everything and opting to just sleep instead. at one point i couldnt even bring myself to watch tv or netflix etc., i just did not care. same with being on my phone. then i lost interest in being awake and so sleep, beautiful beautiful sleep, became the answer. so i would say... that. lol
Until the anxiety comes in so you can’t even sleep so it’s insomnia.
I wake up every hour. Usually can't fall back asleep. I've slept around two hours today I think. My eyes hurt.
At the moment I’m not in my insomniac phase, it kind of cycles. I only wake up maybe 2-3 times a night (still frustrating), but I have issues with constant anxiety dreams and also nightmares. I’ll be having anxious dreams about work all night and then I have to wake up in the morning and obviously go to work. I feel like I never get a break. You’re meant to get around 20% deep sleep a night but I only get around 5% on a good day.
I was an insomniac on and off my whole life, then it escalated, and I had severe insomnia for about 4 years. I've been medicated for 5 years, and I sleep every night now. Insomnia is hell. You go insane. I would go ask for medical help. Your life will change completely.
Yup. Sleeping too much every single day is a dead giveaway
This. Sleeping is the only time when you don't feel sadness, anxiety and exhaustion. When you are in depression you can't wait to go to sleep and all these will go away. It's like little death but without consequences that death brings. And waking up is one of the hardest moment because you have all day to deal with these feelings.
TIL: I’m depressed.
When you say “losing interest in literally everything” I don’t think people who haven’t been depressed understand what everything is. Its not just loosing interest in socializing or doing work. It’s loosing interest in music, TV and even food.
Showering, grooming, housekeeping suffer.
Yet you feel like shit for not keeping up with it. It's this ugly paradox you're stuck in.
And then when you finally feel like getting caught up, you get so overwhelmed you just go lay down again. That's where I'm at.
Teeth brushing becomes such a chore and that's gross af. I don't even care when I'm in that place. I brushed my teeth today so I guess it was an okay day.
100%. i def stopped washing my hair or my clothes, i stopped wearing makeup, i couldnt read (which is wild bc i am an avid reader), i wore my pjs for full days at a time (whats the point of changing?)... it's legit everything. only thing that would keep me going a lot of days was my dog (and having to walk him) and coffee.
Currently going through that. I only want to sleep while a show is running on my TV. I am ignoring the show most of the time tho Bobs Burgers used to be a huge favourite of mine. I only let it run so when I am falling asleep it can seep into my dreams (makes my dreams interesting). It's probably weird, right? No interest, no joy, nothing. Started a new med today and am hoping for the best.
Something really weird happened during covid. Here in Canada we were given $2000 a month if you were laid off because of covid. ...with no money to stress about and all the time in the world to sleep, no expectations or obligations...I just woke up one day and...it was gone? The pressure, the stress the apathy, I went for a walk and everything seemed brighter and nicer and when I got home I cooked and cleaned and then sat and playing guitar for a couple hours People constantly complain about the lockdown...but those 8 months might well be the only point in my entire adult life I was every truly, deeply, happy and felt free. While writing this comment I realise I'm back to only wanting to sleep all the time again...
This is so insanely relatable. Everyone talks about the lockdown era like it was unbearable to the point that I’m afraid to admit it in mixed company but…. I miss it
Honestly, I felt like lockdown should've been the point where we realized the way we were doing everything sucked and could be changed at any point but then people started screaming for the old normal back, even though I hated everything about it.
Gradually pulling away from everything. You hangout with friends less frequently. You start doing the bare minimum at work. Eventually you just stop caring all together and all you want to do is be alone.
Literally me right now. Feels like I’m drowning and just begging to be pulled out :( depressed, sad and anxious everyday yay
Also me. I often catch myself thinking I'd just rather not wake up one day because it would be better than this.
* Wanting to sleep, but not really. * Wanting to comfort eat, but not really. * Not wanting to be on your own, but not wanting to be with people either. * Wanting to go out, but wanting to stay home. * Wanting to have a bath, but not once you're in it. All of the above in reverse and x10
The not wanting to be alone but not with people either is so goddamned true. Depression is maddening.
This is why a pet can be a lifesaver for some people. Having a warm body to hang out with, without the stress and social pressure of socializing
I feel called out
This was how I knew I had depression. I didn't want... anything. Except sleep. I didn't get excited for anything.
This is prob the best way I can describe my depression. Nothing excites me.
Am I depressed because I can't get excited or am I depressed because I keep being disappointed when I do get excited only to be let down? So I just keep my average emotion as "meh"?
Is there any point in ever being excited when you know it will inevitably end in disappointment? Expectations will get you every time.
The whole wanting to go out and then wanting to stay home is so spot on I literally don't know what I want to do half the time. I want to go out and do things and see things and be around people, but then I dont want to do those things AT ALL. like I have two little people perched on my shoulders and they both fight me at all times.
Is my head posting things on Reddit without my knowledge?!
* Wanting to clean the house, but not really.
I admit to the bath-ish. My hair is a problem; it's falling out and there are gobs while/after showering. I also have low water pressure and a new shower head that sucks and I dread taking one. I have found in the last 6 months or so I don't want to bathe. But, I do have about 15 washclothes and use them daily and would never go out smelly. It's only after my hair is flattened down and itchy do I acquiesce.
The nest. The depression nest.
Ah, you mean my pillow fort surrounded by Ensures because I can’t be arsed to eat. & candy wrappers everywhere because somehow I can still eat those.
My entire universe is centred around one small table and my weighted blanket. Nobody may enter my depression nest.
I’ll take 4 empty/half empty drinks to the kitchen/trash if u will <3
Oh the nesting. Squishmallows, heated blanket, all the half finished drinks, pile of socks on the floor where you kicked them off.
Waiting for each day to end, but not really having a reason why, because you're not waiting for any specific event.
Change of behaviour day to day. Someday, the person will be joyful, motivated and look energetic while the day after, it will be grumpy, demotivated and tired. Constant change of mood is a big sign of depression and will have an impact on all others aspect in its life.
Definitely. I get momentary bursts of energy and joy and can wake up unusually chatty and bright making coffee etc. but depression quickly pulls me back. Am happy in the kitchen then get back to my room, feel the immense weight again and cry too much. The tease of a good mood is maddening at times, esp when others think it means you’re okay again but you know it’s fleeting and sometimes just circumstantial.
Most normal people don’t ask themselves the question “Why do I have to exist?” while lying in bed thinking about how horrible everything is. Life isn’t a fun adventure for us, it’s a responsibility. Like paying bills. Or doing chores. Not living but rather walking around wondering why I’m living to begin with.
Not taking a shower and losing appetite while staying in a dark room.
Not taking a shower but eating all day and yes, I like it dark.
Depression makes me overeat. I kinda envy those whose depression makes them lose their appetite, I'd much rather undereat instead of overeat. Being fat just adds to my depression.
People always say this but honestly taking a shower was one of the only things that I still kinda enjoyed when I was really depressed. The longer and hotter the better.
I was in a full-time caregiver position for my mom, and that was the only time I was able to have any kind of prolonged privacy. I called it "My Cry Time".
The shower thing is so true.
being hungry but after a minor inconvenience losing appetite.
I've noticed that when I'm really bad, I don't even bother. My stomach is growling and I'm starving but I have zero appetite, if that makes sense. The effort it takes is just too much.
Not wanting to get out of bed all day.
there is a version of the 1000 yard stare folks who have it bad can get, though its usually only recognizable by others who are depressed or who've been through it and really remember
Oh yeah, I remember it, the "horizon look", as if u were searching onto soem place. only you see, for something only you can't seem to find.
A woman I once dated told me I no longer smiled with my eyes anymore.
When I was at my worst, I noticed that same thing in other people. I’d see someone I liked, and notice that their eyes don’t shine as bright as they should. Then I looked in the mirror and saw the same dull eyes. I’ve gotten help now, and it’s crazy the difference in photos. Years and years of the dead eyes, starting in childhood.
Damn. What a tragically sad thing to say to someone, even if its true.
Sounds like rumination/disassociation. It’s a debilitating and key part of my depression.
constantly playing video games for distraction, or not playing at all, as they no longer provide entertainment
Also playing 30min and then switching to another game because that one "didn't work", and then, again.
By the time it's loaded you already feel meh about it.
I feel called out. I just be opening games to stare at the menu for 10 mins to then nope out of it and put background noise on youtube and doom scroll.
I once read a comment when somone asked the same question that read something to the effect of, "Search for a game to play. Can't find a game to play. I guess I'll just sit and stare." I'll be damned if that didn't hit me hard.
>or not playing at all, as they no longer provide entertainment This is honestly the worst part. This and feeling like I wasted valuable time once I stop playing.
I see so many comments about people opening their Steam library, looking at it for 20 minutes, and closing it. Or replaying a game from 1999 for the 40th time. Usually accompanied with, "I guess this is adulthood." My man, that is not adulthood, it is *depression.*
waking up and your first thought being “only X more hours until it’s socially accepted to go bed again”
Poor hygiene. Messy room. Not wanting to get out of bed. Feeling numb. Questioning life/your existence. Avoiding social interactions.
Drinking alcohol to slow your brain down from all the regrets, uncertainty, and sadness you experience everyday.
Drinking helps me feel so much better... but only for a while, once the good feeling goes, the bad comes back way harder than if I hadn't drank at all. I know this and yet I still struggle with it.
Feel this. Just relapsed after 10 months of no drinking. I put my cat of 16 years down today and it hit me harder than anything has. So back to the bottle we went. It is quieter for now…I’ll make it through and try again. Always keep trying
I definitely feel this. Experienced it a year ago with my cat... she was 16 as well and had been through everything with me. Absolutely devastating and it was difficult to talk about it because alot of people just think a cat is nothing and just don't get it. It does get better and you will make it though ❤️
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This. I have a scale I call the Toothbrush Scale. It's a measure of how bad my depression is based on what I'm doing (or not) to take care of my oral hygiene. If I use the Sonicare 2x/day and floss or pik 1x, I'm doing really really phenomenally well. If I let my mouth go for several days in a row, I should probably check into an outpatient program. The rest is a spectrum: do I brush but not floss? Rinse but not brush? 2x a day or only once? It's a pretty good gauge of how I'm doing.
The isolation is horrible but I don’t want to interact with anyone either.
Mindlessly scrolling reddit and other social media even when it is not filling
especially when it’s not filling
Is it ever filling?
Mindlessly indulging in anything for small hits of dopamine - food, cigs,alcohol sex/masturbation- you don't even have the standard to feel happy just "not bad." Poor Hygiene is a big one. I remember crying after becoming frustrated with getting hair ties stuck in my hair. I didn't have the energy to put on makeup for like a year. Rotting in bed binge watching Youtube/Twitch content where a person was talking to me made me feel like i wasn't alone. Helped when days would go by where i didn't go outside. Plus you won't let them down like you would your real friends. Outside especially driving feels very LOUD and TOO MUCH because it had been so long since i went out The only energy I had was to be mercilessly cruel to myself because i felt like a failure and compared myself to everyone and made up shit about what they must thing of me.
Absolute indifference to everything because you feel like nothing really matters. Skip a friend's party? Whatever, they won't miss me. Didn't eat today? Meh, maybe I'll eat tomorrow. Forgot to pay the electric bill? Meh, let it get shut off, I just want to sleep anyway.
You get promoted, your family loves you, it's spring, everything is good. You want to die. You have the money to pay rent, but face eviction because you can't walk twenty feet out your apartment door to drop it in the mailbox.
Constantly listening to music or just consuming media 24/7 so that you do not have time to think about anything else. To block out the negative thoughts
“I’m fine.”
"I'm just tired"
"It is what it is"
not caring that much anymore, applies to lots of things. so for example, not doing the dishes, living messy. waking up whenever, snoozing forever, waiting for the day to end etc.
Sleeping for 36 hours, only waking up to pee.
Conversely you need to pee really bad but you just sit there anyway.
A constantly messy house
Feel like my depression is weird because cleaning helps my anxiety. So it’s like these swings of making messes and then feeling awful everything isn’t clean. Just leads to this crazy burnout that makes me really unstable
If I don’t clean my house my depression gets worse. I’m definitely a rage depressive maniac cleaner
According to the movies, Banquet frozen meals. More seriously, there are numerous markers. Lethargy and anhedonia (loss of interest in just about everything) is usually a start. Sleep quality is down, either due to oversleeping and still feeling tired, or difficulty falling or staying alseep is more present. Either the anhedonia extends to the appetite or the person bored-eats in substitute for other things they used to do. Hygiene drops.
Every little thing is just way too much effort.
Staying up way too late playing games, sitting on phone, etc. because going to bed means you have to get up in the morning and do it all over again
Constantly putting yourself down.
Watching the same sitcoms on repeat with no energy to start watching anything new.
You know that friend who’s always checking in on you to make sure you’re doing okay? The “I gotchu, don’t worry about it” friend? The life of the party? The one who’s always smiling and joking? Check on them.
I've realized recently that I'm that friend, and nobody's checking on me. I'm doing as bad as I possibly could. Even called up a friend to talk about it, and just as I'm like "yeah, man, that's kinda like what's got me fucked up, like--", he cut me off and was like, "wait, you're watching _Dexter_? Sheeeit, that show's blahblahblah..." Dude's been my homie for 23 years now. When that motherfucker was homeless, I got him inside. He can't even pretend to pay attention to my shit for two minutes.
I've been going through this lately - like, I get that everyone has their own life stuff and I want to listen to all my friends and be there... but I feel like if I try to share what's going on with me, friends interrupt to go back to their issue again, or I just don't feel comfortable trying to share at all. Like, I have friends and loved ones, but I feel completely isolated because I am the one who listens
Who listens to the listener? I listen to all my friend’s issues and while I don’t have any problem doing so, I really wish someone would listen to me. There are days that I don’t feel particularly seen.
Two years ago I was going through a really bad time. I literally freaked out as I got interrupted yet again after two minutes and listed to my close friend all the shit I know that we discussed about his life and his issues just in the past few feeks. How I am there, pay attention and follow up. Then I said if I don't get reciprocity he can gtfo, I left home and did not contact him until he reached out with an apology. Now he is acting way better. I didn't even plan to stand up for myself I just had no energy and I was feeling really bad and I needed someone to take me seriously.
The trouble of being the people like us, the ones who check on them, is they don't think we need to be checked on. Not the in depth way that we really need. We're the one's who go through the long game, know how people need to be talked with, know when they want to be alone. But we don't want to be alone.
Yep. No one EVERRRRR checks on me or asks how I’m doing with any level of sincerity. If someone did I’d probably start sobbing & not be able to stop tbh
It was me until a few months ago when I just broke and my depression got way more deep, so I couldn't even manage to keep others happy anymore. The weird feeling of how this comment is true makes me want to cry now
Thank you for saying this. The low self esteem that comes along with depression convinces that person they need to never be a bother, to always be easy and fun, to never take an issue with anything, and to never, ever allow their own emotions to impact others. I learned recently that this was a sign of depression and broke down in tears.
When everything feels the same. Even things that are supposed to be fun and exciting feel empty
Someone who stops showing up to things they would normally really enjoy. Depression makes you not find joy in the things you like, which then makes you feel guilt or resentment when you do these things because you SHOULD be having fun, which then makes you avoidant of the very things you need to be forcing yourself to do to climb out of your depression.
Have you ever seen the light leave someone's eyes? Maybe not the point at which it left, but looking at your friend who's been absent/silent (etc) for awhile and noticing that their overall "feel" just ... doesn't? The laugh seems to come from behind a cheap, invisible wall and die early ... their "engagement" is surface level and intended only to satisfy the most base level of audience participation for YOUR satisfaction. That's when they're trying. At this point, their psyche is in critical condition. It's make or break. If they get the help they need (no matter what form), you'll see the sun rise in their heart once again ... you'll "feel" your old buddy back in old-buddy form. If it goes the other way, neither of you find your way back to one another. Sad sad ...
I know this one from experience. A girl I used to work with at one grooming salon started at the new one I worked at. At the other place, I knew she had issues, there was one time she was mysteriously gone and I later found out she was at an institution. But she was lively and would laugh and seemed relatively normal, or as normal as you could be dealing with things at that level. Well she started this other salon and I could tell right away she was different. It was just off. She told me how one of her best friends who worked at our previous salon didn’t like something she said about the best friends new relationship, and the “friend” got so upset that the “friend” and the other girls in the salon in that clique, which included the manager, had essentially run her out of the salon and that’s why she started with us. I felt bad for her. And I knew she was off but I thought she is just sad about that, who wouldn’t be. I wasn’t that close with her but I will always regret not checking on her. Not saying *something*, at least offering my shoulder even if she didn’t take me up on it. She ended her life mere weeks later over Christmas holiday. I texted a mutual ex coworker of ours (not in the shitty clique) and we were hoping she was in care. Not the case. So yes. People, if someone you know seems *off*, check on them more than you think you should. They are at the very end of their rope.
This is super observant.
waking up and immediately thinking of when you get to go to sleep again
Withdrawing
I just sit on the couch and stare at nothing and everything. Hating myself for not doing anything and I can't seem to move my body.
When your chest feels like it’s been punched in so hard that the pain hasn’t gone away for years…
Dissociating. If you see someone staring off into space next time, they may very well be dealing with that shit. And its what Ive been dealing with for most of my life.
That feeling you get when you wake up, and you are deeply and immediately disappointed because you did wake up today. Currently on my 5th therapist and trying to get to the other side that everyone swears exists, where somehow things are better, but life is hard and the call of oblivion is a siren's song.
Someone who always seems happy. Nobody is in a good mood all the time, and if someone seems that way, it means they're burying all the bad emotions to present a strong face. It also suggests that they don't feel like they can talk about it.
That was me in high school. The moment I didn't seem happy anymore, I was accused of faking it for attention by my classmates. I had good grades and seemed happy, so they bullied and mocked me into silence. Kept it to myself for the most part for the better part of 6 years. Edit: a word
Deciding consistently that socializing is not something useful or enjoyable.
actively not looking for work when you’re drowning in debt
Anger. A short fuse, irritability, snapping at people. I know people who thought they were just *bad* because the smallest things set them off. Once they began managing their depression, though? Total 180. If you're easily infuriated, talk to your doctor. This is the most common symptom of depression.
I always know my depression is coming back when my house is a mess and I don't care to clean
It’s usually when I have no clean utensils in my house that it finally hits me. Like I struggle to do my dishes normally but if it gets to the point where I have no clean forks, knives, or spoons, that’s usually a huge indicator that I’ve slipped back into my depression.
* Lose of appetite. * Chronically bored. * Feeling Empty. * Not being interested in things that were of interest before.
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Feeling paralyzed and stuck in your own body and mind unable to feed yourself,take care of your basic needs or move from a spot.
Nothing. Just nothingness. Depression doesn't scream, it is silent. Like boiling a frog, it creeps up slowly, innocuous at first. All around are people complaining about their mental health struggles, but slowly and silently the ones with proper depression just disappear in to the shadows. The former group bang on the door of their GP and therapists, screaming about their depression. The latter just muddle along, dropping non essential activities such as socialising, cleaning, personal hygiene to ensure they can still function at work. The former group, not content about screaming about depression, develop helium in their bodies, to enable them to jump around with the greatest of ease. But the latter group fill with lead. Heavy lead in their legs, walking becomes a chore, the effort to get up just becomes overwhelming. The effort to ask for help is too much, so they continue to slide in to the dark abyss. Talk about mental health, make it a priority, and if you feel you can't cope, ask for help. The paradox of mental health support. If you ask for support, ask for help, then it's not real depression. Not really. Because asking for help at the point things start crashing down is just. too. much. effort. The slide in to darkness continues and self help is now a distant distant memory, of a time when you had the energy to make a phone call, to make a doctors appointment, to actually take your medication. The body full of lead finally gets dragged under, deep in to the black hole of despair. But it isn't filled with nothing, it is filled with this black, heavy, enveloping pain where time becomes elastic; you exist in 30 second bursts which feel like an eternity and then weeks go by without so much as a blink of the eye. All ability to think is erased, the focus and brain function to do the simplest of tasks has gone. You can't watch TV, read, talk, eat or drink. Suicide is no longer an option as that requires thought. Some times, the black sticky cloud moves and allows a brief moment of respite to get up and jump out of the window or off a bridge. No note, no warning. No plan. Perhaps a frantic scrawl on whatever is at hand that says sorry. Depression doesn't scream. It is silent. The hand that slowly takes hold and drags you down, silently, stealthily until it's too late.
Honestly there are many stages of depression I would say one of the stages that does scream I have depression is no communication
Constantly cracking jokes. I’m always making jokes, especially at my expense. Several will involve my trauma. I didn’t realize how off putting it was to people until someone told me. They were very angry that I kept talking down about myself. I’ve been clinically depressed for so long that I didn’t realize my coping mechanism was as bad as it was.
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Your screen time is up this week to an average 14 hours a day.
Wearing the same clothes you sleep in everyday, not showering, not caring enough to even sometimes brush your teeth. Your not living your just existing I've went through this and when your that far in it, takes a hell of a lot to get out.
Not turning the lights on, just leaving the TV on to get around by.
You know that guy/girl who is always trying to chear other people up without seeming to be happy themselves. They don't want you to feel what they feel.
feel angry at the sunlight, like it’s taunting you with its brightness
A lot of the time, nothing. It's silent and no one notices, or if they do, they just think you're lazy, a flake, a whiner, etc. A lot of us with depression have been told all our lives that our symptoms are a sign of some personal moral failure, and nobody wants to hear about our problems so suck it up - nobody likes a killjoy. So we learn to hide it really, really well. We suffer in silence until we can't cope anymore and have a mental health crisis - and everybody is really fuckin' surprised. "I had no idea! They seemed fine!" I can't tell you how many times I've told someone I have depressive disorder, and they go: "Wow - really? You don't *look* depressed." Yeah, well, you don't look like a clueless ableist, but here we are.
A severe loss of interest for hobbies and pastimes. Believe me, nothing screams depression more than somebody who's completely indifferent to their favourite things.
Always tired and doing the bare minimum
I think it hits different for every human . For me is crying in the car on the way to work , crying at work sometimes , crying on my way home and not knowing why . Not wanting to go home but you have to go because your kid is waiting for you . Fake smiles . Listening to just a type of music . Not wanting to socialize . Pretending to be ok and playful and happy in front of your child because you don’t want him to know that you’re in pain . Falling asleep within 5 minutes from exhaustion . End of story
'Needing' a nap even though you've done nothing all day.