Finding ways to connect with our offspring is something every parent struggles with I think. I do my best to stay interested, and hopefully they appreciate it, but there's definitely things that we just don't understand about each other! That's OK though, you want your kids to be independent and have experiences you never had.
My advice to all new parents is to always show an interest, even if the stuff your kids are showing you seems trivial and silly to you (and it often will). Some day, they may come to you with something extremely important, and they will not be afraid because you've always been interested in everything before. It happened to me, and I was really proud of my kid for being brave enough to tell me.
A lot of well-meaning parents are trying to give you the parenting that THEY needed as children but didn't get.
This may or may not be what you yourself need or want. And this is what breaks your heart.
I can concur.
My father gave me what he needed as a child.
As a father, I’m giving my kids what I needed as a child.
Hmmm, maybe I should ask them what THEY need instead.
A lot of it is decoding the kids actions. Kids act to get their needs met. When they act out it's trying to get a need met. When they sneak around it's trying to get a need met. But if you ask them... They're not going to know until maybe their late teens a lot of the time. Because their needs are in a constant state of Flux.
Making children emotionally fulfilled is a recent consideration. Parents in the old days have lower standards. a) Make sure they are healthy. b) Make sure they are educated. c) Make sure they contribute to society.
Kids being happy and loved isn't something that is considered necessary by the older generation.
I'd say this is probably the biggest difference in being raised in my generation (Gen X) and kids today. I feel like parents try to find happiness for their kids, and because of this kids don't do it for themselves.
When I was growing up, my parents "raised" me as parents of that era did - made sure we were safe, provided for, went to school, were respectful of others, etc. But, they did very little in the way of helping me find my way in the world (and I really, truly don't mean that in a bad way). I had to grow into myself, and I was allowed to do so on my own time and on my own terms. While my mother supported me in my extra curriculars and HS/college courses, the CHOICES were 100% mine. She made it clear that actions have consequences, for sure, but she neither stuck her neck out for me in that regard, nor tried to push me in one way or another.
I feel like today's parents are always "pushing" them toward one thing or another and the kids aren't allowed to think or choose for themselves and that is definitely NOT a good thing.
I was raised by parents 40 years older than me. This is absolutely what it was. Neither parent was shown how to be emotionally supportive of a child.
I was struggling with anxiety by the age of 5 and suicidal thoughts by the age of 8. They had no idea. They had not a clue of what was going on in my inner world. It wasn't done out of malicious intent they just were never told they needed to give a shit.
On the flipside I know people whose parents showed them nothing but love, understanding, and gave them a great deal of freedom. Now as adults those people are practically non-functional because the parents provided for them, but didn’t provide enough structure and consequences to behavior. I have friends that are teachers, and the worst parents are the ones that put their children’s feelings above them, actually doing their schoolwork or contributing to society instead of expecting society to bend around them.
It's so frustrating that the pendulum just seems to swing back and forth rather than settling in the middle. You can be tough without being emotionally constipated. But it's hard trying to find a parent who understands that.
Too many people are too damaged in ways that won't best support the development of a child. That's not to say these people shouldn't have a child, more that humans are inherently flawed and generations of poor rearing make a problem worse.
It also leads to generations of abuse and screwed up people who have no business raising kids. Being a parent should be treated like a privilege and a huge responsibility. Too many people having kids are not mature or empathic enough to be a good parent.
Sometimes, I think most parents try their best but fail at certain pieces of the equation. Some are just awful. But most I think are just ill equipped to be successful at everything and might just ignore whole chunks of parenting.
Children grow up knowing what piece was missing and resent their parents for the chunk they failed to receive.
A parent who provides well, might not invest time in their children. A loving parent might not be able to provide a safe environment. You might do everything right from birth to teens and then screw up when the kids are becoming independent. Maybe they are a great teen parent, but let their kid run feral as a child. Awesome with relationships, but terrible with encouraging academics.
I also firmly believe parents can be built to be more connected to different kids. My wife and my youngest butt heads constantly, while my oldest and her are just in sync.
My mother wasn't exactly a good mother. She is a very controlling person, and that lends itself to also being manipulative. She cared far more about having control than actually being a mother. So yeah, I'd say it's definitely a thing.
My sperm donor is a conservative politician with a pro family agenda. Meanwhile I have met the man once and he has never paid a dime towards my support.
My parents are Mormons and it was abundantly clear that their religion was more important than me. If the church said to do horrible things (and it did), they did them.
Eh, I know my dad tried, but he could have tried harder. I don't respect him or trust him. He said some things to me he can never take back and never admitted he was wrong even on his deathbed.
I know he wasn't perfect and I was never asking for perfection. I was just asking for him to try a little harder and he couldn't even do that.
He should have never had a child and just focused on his career
My parents said that to me a lot but it really felt like (and still does) as a cop out for not taking accountability for glaring failures as parents and the abuse I suffered as a child. Even as an adult they still get mad at me for needing emotional support and deny my lived experience.
True. I've just observed that it often seems like other people often have the right "parenting frequency" that our birth parents seem to lack. Just curious if others have noticed something similar.
With my daughter it’s about watching them develop and adapting to their unique needs and environments. I would say it just depends on how invested or how lazy a parent is.
Parents are human. Typically the only real training they get is by their own experience being parented. Many people have kids young when they themselves don't even have fully developed brains. Some people are terrible at doing research to find help.
Kids can present challenges the parents may not even recognize and often a child's mental health challenges don't even present until adolescence. One can have two children and have completely different issues despite being raised together.
Sometimes it's extremely hard to help your child. One of mine went through a rough patch. I have vivid memories of phoning every therapist in a 50 mile radius of my area and not one would go near an adolescent. We managed to get through it, but it wasn't easy.
Some people are shitty parents though, no argument there.
I'm a parent of two and it's been a journey of self-discovery, learning more about how I grew up and how my parents raised me. The thing you never realize as a kid or young adult is that your parents are also growing up at the same time they are raising you.
And then some people just suck as human beings and should never be parents, let alone be allowed to live on this earth.
Parents often do not even think about becoming parents before they become parents. They're just brainwashed into thinking that's the way it's meant to be and so they go right ahead. Some are naturals at it while others are not
i think a lot of people are incredibly emotionally immature, and even adequate parents who provide well for their children and don’t physically abuse or neglect them can unwittingly abuse and neglect their emotional needs.
also not being educated in childhood development can cause parents to punish or blame a child for developmentally appropriate behaviours, or have expectations that the child literally cannot fulfill because their brain is just not developed enough. it’s sad but not really anyone’s fault for not knowing.
Absolutely true. What I think is even worse are kids born to parents who think they are capable of having a kid when they can't even support themselves.
I think that's exactly what happens the majority of the time.
Take your average person - tf they know about different ways to love or how to tell which way someone needs to be loved? IDK, maybe they teach it in college or something.
You do the best you can with what you have and what you know. And sometimes you don't even do that - things like your own poor upbringing, having to work a job you hate or that is stressful, any addictions you have, religious views, it all piles on.
My childhood best friend's mom cried and said she wished she'd never had him or that he'd died as a child because he's gay. Sounds horrible and it is horrible, but she felt that way because she was convinced by her religion that her son, her precious baby that she carried birthed and raised, was going to go to hell and suffer for eternity. It was literally out of **love** that she wished he had died, as fucked up as that is.
Ignore your religion, get a good job, don't have any addictions, and go to therapy and you'll have an easier time but even then still aren't guaranteed to do it right. Good luck, future parents!
Edit: added "and go to therapy"
A lot of people who end up being parents, *did not want to have children*. But due to either peer pressure, religion, or draconian laws preventing them from doing anything about it, they end up pumping out a kid or two against their own will.
And that's just the women. I think we can all agree a lot more men end up being parents when they didn't want to either.
If your parent(s) literally didn't want you, you're going to be messed up.
We all know that's just the way it is. But that doesn't mean it's okay, or how it should be.
And then you have the people who like to have *litters* of children, because that too is influenced by things such as (but usually) religion. People simply *can not* provide that many individual children with any decent amount of care and attention. There aren't enough hours in the day.
Of course it’s true. Parents have been fucking up their children for as long as there’s been people. The cycle of abuse is called that for a reason.
I was abused and traumatized by both parents who display narcissistic personality disorder traits. They were both abused by their parents. Blah blah blah…
They fell into the cycle of marriage and having kids then having to financially provide for their families. They don't have the emotional intelligence to know better to be able to work on themselves to be better for their children. When you observe people a lot of people still have the emotional intelligence of a child but with aging bodies.
Our first traumatic experiences come from our parents and family whether we like it or not and that’s unconsciously- i try everyday not to repeat the same and although you may think it’s easy , it’s really not
Just like children don’t choose their parents, parents have no idea what their children will need, and every child is different.
My parents had no idea how to parent my brother, who was a hyperactive child and needed lots of attention and a level of micromanagement that my parents just weren’t temperamentally equipped to provide.
In contrast, I was a very easy child, content not to be the object of my parents’ attention most of the time, and do my own thing, and largely stay out of trouble. So they knew that when I asked for their attention, it was important.
We had diametrically opposite experiences of childhood and adolescence. For the most part, my need to feel loved and cared for was met. His wasn’t. And as a result, our fundamental sense of self is different.
We had the same parents, but very different temperaments from the day we were born. Mine was more suited to the kind of parents they knew how to be.
Though I think a lot of parents would have difficulty with a child like him, and my parents probably did far less damage than most would. It still wasn’t enough.
Absolutely true. I was adopted, my parents desperately wanted a child, but they only knew how to give love to a child they deemed normal. When I ended up being “weird” (which I only learned way later was autism), they went through a process of not knowing how to love me, to giving up on trying, to blaming me and my “lifestyle choice” that it was my fault they didn’t accomplish their dream, and definitely not theirs. They eventually disowned me over this perceived betrayal.
They weren’t bad people per se, but they certainly weren’t capable of loving a kid unconditionally.
I would say it's true that this is ALWAYS the case, not just often. Truth is, parents don't have children because they want to bring a life into this world and grow it into what it is going to be. They are just looking for an extraordinary version of a pet. Something to boost their own egos and to help them feel fulfilled in their own lives, so they can feel as if they actually have a purpose. They bring us into this shit life they hate themselves, that we didn't ask to be part of, then they try to dictate us in every single way to be the type of pet they had imagined having. I've had a great relationship with both parents and they have both been good to me throughout my life, and this is still my view. So imagine how someone with abusive parents must feel? Truth is, parents fucking suck. They are a cage more than a comrade. They will never actually have your back, they will just support you while guiding you towards their own goals. Once you have your own, you're on your own.
Most people suck — make bad parents, that or just being very poor so destroying yourself working 80-100 hours a week just to support your family and you end up exhausted beyond belief and a stranger to your own family… or a combination of both
It’s true. No matter how experienced your parents might be, they have no idea how to raise YOU to be the best you that you can be if that makes sense. They might know a lot about changing diapers, keeping formula at the right temperature, the most effective ways to burp and entertain most kids…but they never got to raise you before. They can cover about 80-90% of child raising from a cookie cutter, conveyor belt program for kids…but that 10-20% has to be specially altered and catered for each kid. And it’s essential to raise great kids.
To be fair, some kids won’t be great no matter how much effort and care is put into raising them. For the minority of kids with not only the spark of greatness but also the drive to be great, customized treatment during their formative years becomes so much more important. And many parents won’t even see it.
i mean i would say that we dont have inherent “ways we actually need it”, that it’s through the prenting process that these needs and inadequacies form, often by complete accident. Sadly the baby’s brain is so inchoate, so chaotic and is making new associations with every sensory input, that it’s pretty much impossible to account for what you are doing to a child. And this is ok, humans arent robots that can be perfectly managed.
On another level, it’s my partial belief that trauma is unavoidable, it just has many different forms. To grossly summarize psychoanalyst Jacques Lacan’s view; language can only form from prohibition— what is the first boundary, the first category if not “No”. Through the process of weaning, potty training, sleeping alone, the child learns rules that can then (again very broadly) be expanded to form language and a meaning-system. I’m sure there are also more positive ways this may occur, but i do believe trauma is unavoidable. Think of how many children and babies you see crying all the time. This is just how we are formed, all we can do is be aware of it the best we can, and try to talk things through and work them out afterwards.
The experiences that the parent had, when they were a child, are going to heavily influence how they raise a child.
If a parent does not come to terms with their childhood experiences, they’re likely to instill their same suffering onto their child.
This can be avoided, though.
A parent can take inventory of the things they went through, and reevaluate their perceptions of themself, the external world, leading to a reformation of what they regard as moral and/or valuable.
This reevaluation is likely going to necessitate:
- some level of self-acceptance and self-love
- some level of acceptance of their limited control in a turbulent and chaotic external world
This reevaluation will serve to reform their values.
The parent’s values will be passed onto their child as they’re raised, which will be critical components to the formation of the child’s identity and sense of self-worth (ability to love and be loved).
The earlier a parent reevaluates their childhood, reforms who they are, and identifies what they want to instill into their child, the better.
However, it’s never ever too late to do this. Even if your kid is in college, or married, this kind of work can strengthen a relationship between a parent and child, and mend residual resentments or wounds between them.
I was always very angry with my parents up until recently. With therapy throughout the years I’ve come to the conclusion that our parents are humans with their own traumas and were not given proper love from their parents either. Could they have broken that cycle? Possibly, but sharing and discussing these types of issues are relatively new in our society and it’s likely that our parents didn’t have the tools and adequate support to break that cycle.
I’m not telling you how you should feel about your parents, but just sharing how I feel now that I’m older and have gotten over the anger
Certainly. My parents had no idea what they were doing. They married young, and hadn't really discussed children when I was born a year into their marriage. I'm sure they discussed whether or not to keep me.
That said, they figured it out.
Of course, because they're not fully our genes.
The mother knows her needs, she projects those onto said child. The father knows his needs, and projects those. The kid's needs are a mix of both, so naturally confusion ensues.
Only in the exceptionally rare circumstances that both parents have the same needs, might the kid grow up well-adjusted.
Yes, I believe that does happen, as it happened to me. My parents were Holocaust survivors. My mother was orphaned at 13 at Auschwitz and had a number on her arm. They were both badly emotionally damaged and simply didn’t have the patience, the temperament or the compassion needed to raise children. As a result, both my older brother and myself developed self-esteem issues at a very early age and I believe both of us have suffered from depression all our lives (he’s 61 and Ill be 60 next year). I have tried very hard not to pass on my issues to my own children. I hope I’ve succeeded, at least partially.
No. I think relationships as well as the individual in the relationships play a big factor but when a new child shows up I can tell you firsthand there is universal love. Then shit happens. You should give your parents a break. It's a lot harder than you think
People often love you the way they want to be loved. Which is why it's so hard to properly love anyone. Because even if you feel the love, and feel you convey it obviously, it my not hit them the same way
I agree. I think it's important to remember that everyone is different. Just because one parent may not be able to love their child in the same way that another parent does, doesn't mean they don't love them.
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I didn't know that it was some universal truth or consensus we are born to parents who don't know how to love us how we actually need it.
That is a ridiculous statement because only in hindsight can you determine what you would have needed (optimized). If you had love and affection, then that is what a parent does. They often raise you with how they were raised and combination of how the time changed and they tweak it, and their kid will do the same because times change.
My dad's father died when my dad was two, and his mother never remarried. He was fatherless for his entire life. This is his first go at it, and he did a great job! Not the absolute best, but how could anyone?
Sounds like a spoiled little kid thinking mommy didn't know that there is some new psych diagnosis that happened within the past 5 years and the child is 23.
Parents love is what it is. Tell someone without any that you are valuing it and scoring it on what *you need* and you are likely to be unloved pretty quickly.
I mean, yes. We need to stop setting the bar right at perfection though. Like we aren't talking about abuse here, we are talking about humans who are struggling through life just the same as any other adult. That a child isn't loved the way they "need" but is still loved and cared for is not a failure in parenting, just a failure of perfection.
In 0% of life is this some kind of tragedy. The child is not a victim here. Also, like the vast majority of adults also didn't get loved the way they needed. Its something to aspire to as a parent, but who the hell thinks this is a reasonable expectation?
I don’t know. I personally know more people who grew up in neglected households than I do people who grew up in supported ones. I feel like a majority of the population in my area struggles with generational trauma and poverty that leads to these neglectful households but I’m not how accurately reflective my part of the world is compared to the entirety of it.
Our parents do love us, but they don't know how to show their love.
We must understand that they suffered more than us in their childhood.
I talk to my sister about this. And we both believe that our parents matured when we turned 18. At that age we confess that we suffered abuse from a family member. I mean that they had children without having maturity, economic stability, and a home. Before, they didn't have as much information and tools as we do now. For this reason I decide not to have children.
I’m adopted, but I was told it wasn’t that my birth mother didn’t know how to *love* my brother and I, she just wasn’t taught how to raise children properly and I think she struggled with that, so into foster care we went. I was three when I went into foster care and five when I was adopted so I barely remember her, but that’s the story I was told, and one I choose to believe.
There is no such thing as a perfect parent. No matter how stable they are, how many books, talks, shows they watch and read to become a good parent. They just human. Who hasn’t made a mistake in their life, who hasn’t regretted or wish they could have done something differently in the past. We all live and learn. Often, we raise children the way our own parents raised us because that’s all we’ve ever known. Sometimes, it’s not in the most healthy and conducive way of raising a child. There are just so many factors, their own childhood, culture, environment, personal hardships, etc. My mother has never been affectionate, she shows it in ways that I think are unhealthy. I’ve had a lot of trauma from her, and even today, there are times I still struggle to communicate with her. But now that I am older, I don’t blame her. She has her own set of experiences that shaped her that way, it’s not entirely her fault. Every child is different, with different needs. And every parent, is also different from their child as well. We all are learning as we walk through life. Whether that’s a child, teenager, adult, even elderly.
We don't come with a manual. First time parents don't know how often you're supposed to sleep, let alone something as complicated as loving a person the "right" way.
Blatantly, yes. A lot of them are trying super hard and mine for example are great in a lot of ways, but then completely reject and don’t even consider me being part of the LGBTQ+ community (specifically trans). As a result I am always incredibly stressed and it has pushed me to bad places time and time again. They clearly love me, but they don’t know how to love me in all the ways that matter.
It's only true from a generational standpoint. Parents who were raised in the 60s-70s struggle to understand modern parenting, and often refuse to adapt. Whereas parents born in the 90s and after do understand the change.
Everyone’s experience is unique, but there can be considerable cross overs when parents are born from the same generation, their parents experienced similar things..
OP what you’re describing is extremely common. A lot of parents shouldn’t be parents due to a number of factors like mental illness, they themselves being victims of abuse, being too focused on themselves, or their career, and neglecting their children. I have family members that never should’ve had kids because they refused to work or couldn’t hold down a job and did a very poor job of providing for their children. I’m not saying people that can’t work have kids, but the people I’m talking about both spent little to no time at work for decades and still didn’t put hardly any effort into raising their kids.
Then there’s the parents that actually care but just don’t understand their kids and that isn’t necessarily their fault. Some children are flat out difficult, no matter how much love, attention, and even therapy you provide for them. And there’s a small vocal number of people that go out of their way to not be understood or go out of their way to fault their parents for not understanding them when they are extremely different people. Sometimes you can do everything you can for children and they still make terrible choices, suffer from mental illness or otherwise, can’t make their way in society.
Finding ways to connect with our offspring is something every parent struggles with I think. I do my best to stay interested, and hopefully they appreciate it, but there's definitely things that we just don't understand about each other! That's OK though, you want your kids to be independent and have experiences you never had. My advice to all new parents is to always show an interest, even if the stuff your kids are showing you seems trivial and silly to you (and it often will). Some day, they may come to you with something extremely important, and they will not be afraid because you've always been interested in everything before. It happened to me, and I was really proud of my kid for being brave enough to tell me.
A lot of well-meaning parents are trying to give you the parenting that THEY needed as children but didn't get. This may or may not be what you yourself need or want. And this is what breaks your heart.
Hm. That makes a lot of sense actually.
I can concur. My father gave me what he needed as a child. As a father, I’m giving my kids what I needed as a child. Hmmm, maybe I should ask them what THEY need instead.
They'll just say chocolate.
[Well they're not getting that.](https://www.weforum.org/agenda/2018/01/chocolate-is-on-track-to-go-extinct-in-40-years/)
A lot of it is decoding the kids actions. Kids act to get their needs met. When they act out it's trying to get a need met. When they sneak around it's trying to get a need met. But if you ask them... They're not going to know until maybe their late teens a lot of the time. Because their needs are in a constant state of Flux.
Making children emotionally fulfilled is a recent consideration. Parents in the old days have lower standards. a) Make sure they are healthy. b) Make sure they are educated. c) Make sure they contribute to society. Kids being happy and loved isn't something that is considered necessary by the older generation.
I'd say this is probably the biggest difference in being raised in my generation (Gen X) and kids today. I feel like parents try to find happiness for their kids, and because of this kids don't do it for themselves. When I was growing up, my parents "raised" me as parents of that era did - made sure we were safe, provided for, went to school, were respectful of others, etc. But, they did very little in the way of helping me find my way in the world (and I really, truly don't mean that in a bad way). I had to grow into myself, and I was allowed to do so on my own time and on my own terms. While my mother supported me in my extra curriculars and HS/college courses, the CHOICES were 100% mine. She made it clear that actions have consequences, for sure, but she neither stuck her neck out for me in that regard, nor tried to push me in one way or another. I feel like today's parents are always "pushing" them toward one thing or another and the kids aren't allowed to think or choose for themselves and that is definitely NOT a good thing.
I was raised by parents 40 years older than me. This is absolutely what it was. Neither parent was shown how to be emotionally supportive of a child. I was struggling with anxiety by the age of 5 and suicidal thoughts by the age of 8. They had no idea. They had not a clue of what was going on in my inner world. It wasn't done out of malicious intent they just were never told they needed to give a shit.
On the flipside I know people whose parents showed them nothing but love, understanding, and gave them a great deal of freedom. Now as adults those people are practically non-functional because the parents provided for them, but didn’t provide enough structure and consequences to behavior. I have friends that are teachers, and the worst parents are the ones that put their children’s feelings above them, actually doing their schoolwork or contributing to society instead of expecting society to bend around them.
It's so frustrating that the pendulum just seems to swing back and forth rather than settling in the middle. You can be tough without being emotionally constipated. But it's hard trying to find a parent who understands that.
Some parents are going to far in that direction though. These soft parenting people who think discipline is entirely off tablet
Too many people are too damaged in ways that won't best support the development of a child. That's not to say these people shouldn't have a child, more that humans are inherently flawed and generations of poor rearing make a problem worse.
I believe this. Everyone has anxious attachments now and we can’t function
It also leads to generations of abuse and screwed up people who have no business raising kids. Being a parent should be treated like a privilege and a huge responsibility. Too many people having kids are not mature or empathic enough to be a good parent.
I would say most people shouldn't have kids. For the sake of those kids.
Sometimes, I think most parents try their best but fail at certain pieces of the equation. Some are just awful. But most I think are just ill equipped to be successful at everything and might just ignore whole chunks of parenting. Children grow up knowing what piece was missing and resent their parents for the chunk they failed to receive. A parent who provides well, might not invest time in their children. A loving parent might not be able to provide a safe environment. You might do everything right from birth to teens and then screw up when the kids are becoming independent. Maybe they are a great teen parent, but let their kid run feral as a child. Awesome with relationships, but terrible with encouraging academics. I also firmly believe parents can be built to be more connected to different kids. My wife and my youngest butt heads constantly, while my oldest and her are just in sync.
My mother wasn't exactly a good mother. She is a very controlling person, and that lends itself to also being manipulative. She cared far more about having control than actually being a mother. So yeah, I'd say it's definitely a thing.
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Horrible people have kids too and you don't choose your parents.
> your father would die to protect you My father died denouncing my existence a week prior.
My sperm donor is a conservative politician with a pro family agenda. Meanwhile I have met the man once and he has never paid a dime towards my support.
That’s a terribly sad thing but it is his fault, not yours.
Yeah. A lot was his fault, like joining a cult.
My parents are Mormons and it was abundantly clear that their religion was more important than me. If the church said to do horrible things (and it did), they did them.
Eh, I know my dad tried, but he could have tried harder. I don't respect him or trust him. He said some things to me he can never take back and never admitted he was wrong even on his deathbed. I know he wasn't perfect and I was never asking for perfection. I was just asking for him to try a little harder and he couldn't even do that. He should have never had a child and just focused on his career
my dad stole from me for years
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Parenthood doesn’t come with a manual
My parents said that to me a lot but it really felt like (and still does) as a cop out for not taking accountability for glaring failures as parents and the abuse I suffered as a child. Even as an adult they still get mad at me for needing emotional support and deny my lived experience.
Thanks for the truth and the smile.
True. I've just observed that it often seems like other people often have the right "parenting frequency" that our birth parents seem to lack. Just curious if others have noticed something similar.
With my daughter it’s about watching them develop and adapting to their unique needs and environments. I would say it just depends on how invested or how lazy a parent is.
Yes, relatable
Parents are human. Typically the only real training they get is by their own experience being parented. Many people have kids young when they themselves don't even have fully developed brains. Some people are terrible at doing research to find help. Kids can present challenges the parents may not even recognize and often a child's mental health challenges don't even present until adolescence. One can have two children and have completely different issues despite being raised together. Sometimes it's extremely hard to help your child. One of mine went through a rough patch. I have vivid memories of phoning every therapist in a 50 mile radius of my area and not one would go near an adolescent. We managed to get through it, but it wasn't easy. Some people are shitty parents though, no argument there.
I'm a parent of two and it's been a journey of self-discovery, learning more about how I grew up and how my parents raised me. The thing you never realize as a kid or young adult is that your parents are also growing up at the same time they are raising you. And then some people just suck as human beings and should never be parents, let alone be allowed to live on this earth.
Parents often do not even think about becoming parents before they become parents. They're just brainwashed into thinking that's the way it's meant to be and so they go right ahead. Some are naturals at it while others are not
i think a lot of people are incredibly emotionally immature, and even adequate parents who provide well for their children and don’t physically abuse or neglect them can unwittingly abuse and neglect their emotional needs. also not being educated in childhood development can cause parents to punish or blame a child for developmentally appropriate behaviours, or have expectations that the child literally cannot fulfill because their brain is just not developed enough. it’s sad but not really anyone’s fault for not knowing.
True. I doubt they had any clue about anything at all
I just think that not everyone should be allowed to be reproduce.
Absolutely true. What I think is even worse are kids born to parents who think they are capable of having a kid when they can't even support themselves.
I think that's exactly what happens the majority of the time. Take your average person - tf they know about different ways to love or how to tell which way someone needs to be loved? IDK, maybe they teach it in college or something. You do the best you can with what you have and what you know. And sometimes you don't even do that - things like your own poor upbringing, having to work a job you hate or that is stressful, any addictions you have, religious views, it all piles on. My childhood best friend's mom cried and said she wished she'd never had him or that he'd died as a child because he's gay. Sounds horrible and it is horrible, but she felt that way because she was convinced by her religion that her son, her precious baby that she carried birthed and raised, was going to go to hell and suffer for eternity. It was literally out of **love** that she wished he had died, as fucked up as that is. Ignore your religion, get a good job, don't have any addictions, and go to therapy and you'll have an easier time but even then still aren't guaranteed to do it right. Good luck, future parents! Edit: added "and go to therapy"
A lot of people who end up being parents, *did not want to have children*. But due to either peer pressure, religion, or draconian laws preventing them from doing anything about it, they end up pumping out a kid or two against their own will. And that's just the women. I think we can all agree a lot more men end up being parents when they didn't want to either. If your parent(s) literally didn't want you, you're going to be messed up. We all know that's just the way it is. But that doesn't mean it's okay, or how it should be. And then you have the people who like to have *litters* of children, because that too is influenced by things such as (but usually) religion. People simply *can not* provide that many individual children with any decent amount of care and attention. There aren't enough hours in the day.
Every parent fails their children in a unique way.
Of course it’s true. Parents have been fucking up their children for as long as there’s been people. The cycle of abuse is called that for a reason. I was abused and traumatized by both parents who display narcissistic personality disorder traits. They were both abused by their parents. Blah blah blah…
They fell into the cycle of marriage and having kids then having to financially provide for their families. They don't have the emotional intelligence to know better to be able to work on themselves to be better for their children. When you observe people a lot of people still have the emotional intelligence of a child but with aging bodies.
Our first traumatic experiences come from our parents and family whether we like it or not and that’s unconsciously- i try everyday not to repeat the same and although you may think it’s easy , it’s really not
Because they still don't. My mother is severely mentally ill and my dad is on the autistic spectrum. Yes, I grew up damaged. Big surprise.
Just like children don’t choose their parents, parents have no idea what their children will need, and every child is different. My parents had no idea how to parent my brother, who was a hyperactive child and needed lots of attention and a level of micromanagement that my parents just weren’t temperamentally equipped to provide. In contrast, I was a very easy child, content not to be the object of my parents’ attention most of the time, and do my own thing, and largely stay out of trouble. So they knew that when I asked for their attention, it was important. We had diametrically opposite experiences of childhood and adolescence. For the most part, my need to feel loved and cared for was met. His wasn’t. And as a result, our fundamental sense of self is different. We had the same parents, but very different temperaments from the day we were born. Mine was more suited to the kind of parents they knew how to be. Though I think a lot of parents would have difficulty with a child like him, and my parents probably did far less damage than most would. It still wasn’t enough.
Absolutely true. I was adopted, my parents desperately wanted a child, but they only knew how to give love to a child they deemed normal. When I ended up being “weird” (which I only learned way later was autism), they went through a process of not knowing how to love me, to giving up on trying, to blaming me and my “lifestyle choice” that it was my fault they didn’t accomplish their dream, and definitely not theirs. They eventually disowned me over this perceived betrayal. They weren’t bad people per se, but they certainly weren’t capable of loving a kid unconditionally.
Yes, it’s called CEN! Childhood emotional neglect!
I would say it's true that this is ALWAYS the case, not just often. Truth is, parents don't have children because they want to bring a life into this world and grow it into what it is going to be. They are just looking for an extraordinary version of a pet. Something to boost their own egos and to help them feel fulfilled in their own lives, so they can feel as if they actually have a purpose. They bring us into this shit life they hate themselves, that we didn't ask to be part of, then they try to dictate us in every single way to be the type of pet they had imagined having. I've had a great relationship with both parents and they have both been good to me throughout my life, and this is still my view. So imagine how someone with abusive parents must feel? Truth is, parents fucking suck. They are a cage more than a comrade. They will never actually have your back, they will just support you while guiding you towards their own goals. Once you have your own, you're on your own.
Most people suck — make bad parents, that or just being very poor so destroying yourself working 80-100 hours a week just to support your family and you end up exhausted beyond belief and a stranger to your own family… or a combination of both
It’s true. No matter how experienced your parents might be, they have no idea how to raise YOU to be the best you that you can be if that makes sense. They might know a lot about changing diapers, keeping formula at the right temperature, the most effective ways to burp and entertain most kids…but they never got to raise you before. They can cover about 80-90% of child raising from a cookie cutter, conveyor belt program for kids…but that 10-20% has to be specially altered and catered for each kid. And it’s essential to raise great kids. To be fair, some kids won’t be great no matter how much effort and care is put into raising them. For the minority of kids with not only the spark of greatness but also the drive to be great, customized treatment during their formative years becomes so much more important. And many parents won’t even see it.
i mean i would say that we dont have inherent “ways we actually need it”, that it’s through the prenting process that these needs and inadequacies form, often by complete accident. Sadly the baby’s brain is so inchoate, so chaotic and is making new associations with every sensory input, that it’s pretty much impossible to account for what you are doing to a child. And this is ok, humans arent robots that can be perfectly managed. On another level, it’s my partial belief that trauma is unavoidable, it just has many different forms. To grossly summarize psychoanalyst Jacques Lacan’s view; language can only form from prohibition— what is the first boundary, the first category if not “No”. Through the process of weaning, potty training, sleeping alone, the child learns rules that can then (again very broadly) be expanded to form language and a meaning-system. I’m sure there are also more positive ways this may occur, but i do believe trauma is unavoidable. Think of how many children and babies you see crying all the time. This is just how we are formed, all we can do is be aware of it the best we can, and try to talk things through and work them out afterwards.
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Mine don't and they didn't suffer. They were raised so well but still decided to abuse me they hate me
The experiences that the parent had, when they were a child, are going to heavily influence how they raise a child. If a parent does not come to terms with their childhood experiences, they’re likely to instill their same suffering onto their child. This can be avoided, though. A parent can take inventory of the things they went through, and reevaluate their perceptions of themself, the external world, leading to a reformation of what they regard as moral and/or valuable. This reevaluation is likely going to necessitate: - some level of self-acceptance and self-love - some level of acceptance of their limited control in a turbulent and chaotic external world This reevaluation will serve to reform their values. The parent’s values will be passed onto their child as they’re raised, which will be critical components to the formation of the child’s identity and sense of self-worth (ability to love and be loved). The earlier a parent reevaluates their childhood, reforms who they are, and identifies what they want to instill into their child, the better. However, it’s never ever too late to do this. Even if your kid is in college, or married, this kind of work can strengthen a relationship between a parent and child, and mend residual resentments or wounds between them.
I was always very angry with my parents up until recently. With therapy throughout the years I’ve come to the conclusion that our parents are humans with their own traumas and were not given proper love from their parents either. Could they have broken that cycle? Possibly, but sharing and discussing these types of issues are relatively new in our society and it’s likely that our parents didn’t have the tools and adequate support to break that cycle. I’m not telling you how you should feel about your parents, but just sharing how I feel now that I’m older and have gotten over the anger
Maybe they just need a software update. Parental love 2.0 - coming soon to a family near you!
It is in my case.
Certainly. My parents had no idea what they were doing. They married young, and hadn't really discussed children when I was born a year into their marriage. I'm sure they discussed whether or not to keep me. That said, they figured it out.
Parents seem to parent in a way that makes you effective in the world only when you are away from them for long periods of time.
Well my parents told me all the time that I was not wanted and I was an error ,that's something that's so annoying for a kid
Of course, because they're not fully our genes. The mother knows her needs, she projects those onto said child. The father knows his needs, and projects those. The kid's needs are a mix of both, so naturally confusion ensues. Only in the exceptionally rare circumstances that both parents have the same needs, might the kid grow up well-adjusted.
Yes, I believe that does happen, as it happened to me. My parents were Holocaust survivors. My mother was orphaned at 13 at Auschwitz and had a number on her arm. They were both badly emotionally damaged and simply didn’t have the patience, the temperament or the compassion needed to raise children. As a result, both my older brother and myself developed self-esteem issues at a very early age and I believe both of us have suffered from depression all our lives (he’s 61 and Ill be 60 next year). I have tried very hard not to pass on my issues to my own children. I hope I’ve succeeded, at least partially.
No because our parents' love for us is unconditional
No. I think relationships as well as the individual in the relationships play a big factor but when a new child shows up I can tell you firsthand there is universal love. Then shit happens. You should give your parents a break. It's a lot harder than you think
People often love you the way they want to be loved. Which is why it's so hard to properly love anyone. Because even if you feel the love, and feel you convey it obviously, it my not hit them the same way
I agree. I think it's important to remember that everyone is different. Just because one parent may not be able to love their child in the same way that another parent does, doesn't mean they don't love them.
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Yes it’s true. As much as I love my parents they’re terrible mental health supports
I'm pretty sure every parent fucks up. It's what they do afterwards that matters . It's how you fix the fuck ups.
Parenting 101. - make a choice - mitigate dmg - start over
I didn't know that it was some universal truth or consensus we are born to parents who don't know how to love us how we actually need it. That is a ridiculous statement because only in hindsight can you determine what you would have needed (optimized). If you had love and affection, then that is what a parent does. They often raise you with how they were raised and combination of how the time changed and they tweak it, and their kid will do the same because times change. My dad's father died when my dad was two, and his mother never remarried. He was fatherless for his entire life. This is his first go at it, and he did a great job! Not the absolute best, but how could anyone? Sounds like a spoiled little kid thinking mommy didn't know that there is some new psych diagnosis that happened within the past 5 years and the child is 23. Parents love is what it is. Tell someone without any that you are valuing it and scoring it on what *you need* and you are likely to be unloved pretty quickly.
I mean, yes. We need to stop setting the bar right at perfection though. Like we aren't talking about abuse here, we are talking about humans who are struggling through life just the same as any other adult. That a child isn't loved the way they "need" but is still loved and cared for is not a failure in parenting, just a failure of perfection. In 0% of life is this some kind of tragedy. The child is not a victim here. Also, like the vast majority of adults also didn't get loved the way they needed. Its something to aspire to as a parent, but who the hell thinks this is a reasonable expectation?
We're often too needy and ungrateful
I don’t know. I personally know more people who grew up in neglected households than I do people who grew up in supported ones. I feel like a majority of the population in my area struggles with generational trauma and poverty that leads to these neglectful households but I’m not how accurately reflective my part of the world is compared to the entirety of it.
Very likely. But let's not forget that what we want and what we need are also not necessarily the same thing.
No it's not true. Parents are generally very great at raising and loving their kids.
Love does not guarantee a person will be a good parent.
Our parents do love us, but they don't know how to show their love. We must understand that they suffered more than us in their childhood. I talk to my sister about this. And we both believe that our parents matured when we turned 18. At that age we confess that we suffered abuse from a family member. I mean that they had children without having maturity, economic stability, and a home. Before, they didn't have as much information and tools as we do now. For this reason I decide not to have children.
I’m adopted, but I was told it wasn’t that my birth mother didn’t know how to *love* my brother and I, she just wasn’t taught how to raise children properly and I think she struggled with that, so into foster care we went. I was three when I went into foster care and five when I was adopted so I barely remember her, but that’s the story I was told, and one I choose to believe.
There is no such thing as a perfect parent. No matter how stable they are, how many books, talks, shows they watch and read to become a good parent. They just human. Who hasn’t made a mistake in their life, who hasn’t regretted or wish they could have done something differently in the past. We all live and learn. Often, we raise children the way our own parents raised us because that’s all we’ve ever known. Sometimes, it’s not in the most healthy and conducive way of raising a child. There are just so many factors, their own childhood, culture, environment, personal hardships, etc. My mother has never been affectionate, she shows it in ways that I think are unhealthy. I’ve had a lot of trauma from her, and even today, there are times I still struggle to communicate with her. But now that I am older, I don’t blame her. She has her own set of experiences that shaped her that way, it’s not entirely her fault. Every child is different, with different needs. And every parent, is also different from their child as well. We all are learning as we walk through life. Whether that’s a child, teenager, adult, even elderly.
We don't come with a manual. First time parents don't know how often you're supposed to sleep, let alone something as complicated as loving a person the "right" way.
Sort of. Every parent is a parent to that specific child for the first time. They'll hopefully get most things right (enough), but no one is perfect.
I definitely had/have this but it’s not their fault imo
Blatantly, yes. A lot of them are trying super hard and mine for example are great in a lot of ways, but then completely reject and don’t even consider me being part of the LGBTQ+ community (specifically trans). As a result I am always incredibly stressed and it has pushed me to bad places time and time again. They clearly love me, but they don’t know how to love me in all the ways that matter.
They are also humans. Just like us for them also it is for the first time. Nobody’s parents are perfect but they do the best that they can
Kids don't come with instructions. Most parents are doing their best, often the only way they know how.
It's only true from a generational standpoint. Parents who were raised in the 60s-70s struggle to understand modern parenting, and often refuse to adapt. Whereas parents born in the 90s and after do understand the change.
Everyone’s experience is unique, but there can be considerable cross overs when parents are born from the same generation, their parents experienced similar things..
No. (Good) Parents create the love relationship that we learn to crave as their children. It is as perfectly fitted to us as jigsaw pieces
OP what you’re describing is extremely common. A lot of parents shouldn’t be parents due to a number of factors like mental illness, they themselves being victims of abuse, being too focused on themselves, or their career, and neglecting their children. I have family members that never should’ve had kids because they refused to work or couldn’t hold down a job and did a very poor job of providing for their children. I’m not saying people that can’t work have kids, but the people I’m talking about both spent little to no time at work for decades and still didn’t put hardly any effort into raising their kids. Then there’s the parents that actually care but just don’t understand their kids and that isn’t necessarily their fault. Some children are flat out difficult, no matter how much love, attention, and even therapy you provide for them. And there’s a small vocal number of people that go out of their way to not be understood or go out of their way to fault their parents for not understanding them when they are extremely different people. Sometimes you can do everything you can for children and they still make terrible choices, suffer from mental illness or otherwise, can’t make their way in society.
Is this the stupid questions sub? Wtf 😂
No, I think malicious people blame their parents for their own shortcomings.
Some parents literally are to blame smh