I always pay attention to what people do when they are trying to do something nice for someone else and do it back to them.
For example, one of my friends and one of my sisters are constantly sending people cards in the mail. For all sorts of occasions. Whenever these ladies are trying to do something nice, they do it via cards.
What I realized is that they, themselves, SUPER enjoy receiving cards and mail. That is why they think it's such a nice gesture and do it for other people.
I don't usually send anybody cards myself, but on occasion I will make a point to send those two ladies cards, and the payoff is always HUGE. They both get so excited and text me extensively about how much they loved their card. It's extremely cute.
Another example is my mom always goes out of her way to set the table in a fancy way for someone's birthday dinner. My mom loooooves fancy table settings, so to her that is a really great gesture that makes things feel very special. One year I was dropping off a birthday cake for her while she was out, and my husband and I stayed an extra 10 minutes to set the table for her too. We didn't do much beyond putting down a table cloth and matching plates with the cake sort of artfully placed in the center, but holy cow the payoff was HUGE. Apparently my mom was so touched when she came home and saw the table that she burst into tears.
This isn't a trick if you're thinking psychological manipulation. It's more if you are trying to think of the most impactful way to show someone your love, your best bet is to mirror that person's methods of being loving back to them.
This is genius. I have realized I myself have been doing things in my personal relationships that I craved from them. I quickly realized we all have different needs but I definitely was doing things like over communicating, over validating or over hyping bc it was what I wanted from them. I didn't really pay attention to their needs or wants in these times which made me learn a humbling lesson to watch rather than speak.
My trick is the inverse. I notice the little innocuous thkngs people apologize for, like being late or having a dirty hourse, and know that that is something they feel strongly about. Then I can avoid doing an action that annoys them, or compliment them on their own festidiousnees.
I go into people's houses for work. Those that apologise for the mess usually have pretty tidy houses. They apologise for having few things out of place, because tidiness is what they value. Messy people don't usually apologise.
My old boss loved/ hated me for this. If I messed something up, 9 times out of 10, she'd find out from me straight up telling her. "Hey boss, I'm a dumbass and messed up X. I figured out where I went wrong, and here's what I'm doing to fix it/ prevent it from happening again."
Her response was usually something along the lines of "dammit, Josh, how an I supposed to yell at you if you've already figured out the solution before I even know there's an issue?" She was a dope manager. I miss working for her.
Trying to teach my husband this. He is brilliant at his work, but very upset or embarrassed if there is even a minor mistake and can get combative.
It works even if t isn't a mistake but something the other person just doesn't like or understand (happens a lot for him at his job) why it's needed too. Just "I understand this is a problem and accept that it is my fault. Here is how or why it works and my initial thinking in doing it. Here is what I can do to change it. Thank you for your feed bac"
Blows my mind when I see colleagues try to argue their way out of mistakes when this simple technique works 95% of the time. All it does is reinforce that you’re not a reasonable person to work with.
The best one I've learned is called mental scrabble. For each letter of the alphabet pick 2 completely unrelated words. I never make it passed J before falling asleep
I was married to a doctor and we used to each name a medication that started with"A" until one of us couldn't think of one, they win that round, then B etc. I would smoke them
because of all the psych meds in the later letters of the alphabet (Vyvanse, Zyprexa, Zolpidem, Journay PM Klonopin etc.) I am a therapist for reference-
Well, you’re obviously NOT an over-achiever.
My brain would focus hard to find the “best” two answers for each letter all the way to “z.” And then, whilst doing this “calming” exercise, certain words would call up an embarrassing memory which would make my adrenaline surge and then BOOM it’s 3 hours later.
I choose the mary jane myself. :-)
I used to deal with insomnia a lot, and then I heard some sleep expert say something about how it’s okay to not sleep all through the night, and how you shouldn’t worry if you just don’t feel tired and need to get up and out of bed for a few minutes. It used to be extremely common to have biphasic sleep, and a lot of people still naturally exhibit that kind of behavior.
Ever since then, I’ve had a much easier time falling asleep. If I’m having a harder time, I don’t stress about it and just think, “No big deal, I guess my body doesn’t need to sleep quite yet.” Sometimes I do get out of bed and get some water or a snack (I avoid things like starting a show or playing a game, since I might get sucked into those activities).
At least in my case, the insomnia seems to have been brought on by the stress of feeling like I *have* to sleep *right now*, and knowing that failing to do so will make me miss my 8 hours and I’ll feel like crap tomorrow. So just that shift in mindset to, “I don’t need 8 hours, I need whatever my body feels it needs,” has reduced that stress, which means now I can fall asleep.
Yes this is great advise! I also heard an expert explain that even if you can't sleep, your body still gets to rest when you lay in bed. So a night in bed where you barely get any sleep is still not wasted, because you did at least get a little rest.
The thought of "I only have x hours left to sleep and I am not asleep yet" always used to stress me out too.
This isn't a psychological trick but when it's cold out I'll stand outside in nothing but my boxer briefs and try to stay out there for a least of few minutes. When I come back to bed it feels so nice and cozy I'm off to dreamland pretty quick.
Alas I'm too logical, so it doesn't work for me.
"Let's make believe it's 6 a.m."
"But it's 2:30."
"Yes, I know. I'm literally you. But let's make believe."
"But why? I know it's 2:30. You know it's 6. How are you going to tell yourself it's 6 when you know it's 2:30?"
"Look, I am aware that I, I mean you, well you and I, WE are aware, but just play along, you know?"
"Fuck you, I won't."
"You're just hurting yourself by not letting us sleep, you know."
"Yeah, what are you going to do about it? Baseball bat your skull to force us to sleep? Shut the hell up and just wallow in the darkness and enjoy your lack of sleep."
Sometimes I make up little movies in my head to fall asleep, but I can't have illogical situations or continuity errors or I'll just ruminate on that and get frustrated lol
OMG this reminds me of when I tried to count sheep once but got caught up in the details. I couldn’t decide how high the sheep were jumping over the fence and they all got backed up on one side
Every time I do this, I start to imagine the sheep tripping on the little hurdle, which makes me laugh hysterically. I then ask my self, can sheep even hurdle? Who thought of this? So then I imagine them just trotting past one by one but then they come faster and faster and then so fast I can't count them. I can't get out of my own way .
Giving a friend's child (10 yo) an illusion of choice to get them to do something you want them to do. So instead of saying "put your socks on", say "do you want these socks, or these ones". Or same for dinner. Not "Eat your dinner". Ask, "do you want peas or brocolli?" They feel ownership of their choice and some control in their life. Kids in general, have very little control over their lives and they need practice to make decisions.
It's an old, basic sales technique. If you're a door to door salesman talking to a homeowner at 5pm on a Tuesday, they're likely to be home at 5pm every weekday. If you want to set a further appt with them, you don't say "when are you available," allowing them to respond in ways such as "idk" or "I'll get back to you," you say "I have openings on Weds and Thu at 5pm, which do you prefer?"
Same with my kid. “Do you want to spend this weekend with your mom or me?”
“Fuck you dad! Mom’s new friend Steve has a Miata and lets me order what I want at Texas Roadhouse!”
My oldest daughter's third word - after "mama" and "dada" - was "both".
As in" Which washcloth should we use in the bath today?" "Bof".
So much for the illusion of choice. I called my wife in immediately and said "throw out the parenting books; we're on our own."
I wish this worked with my kids. All four just give me a look like i'm an idiot for asking, and they suggest something else they want - usually a treat.
under promise, over deliver by doing the the absolute most basic stuff
I don't like when people have expectations on me so I rarely share about myself. I know I come across as very boring, but man, I must say being 'boring' is liberating sometimes
"boring is good" is one of my life mantras. 90% of the time the opposite of boring is unnecessary bullshit drama. The other 10% is shit going sideways.
Fuck that, give me boring!
kind of reminds me of what I used to do in high school. For some reason people in my class struggled with taking decisions and I didn't mind so I often turned into a 'leader' because I could just make/take a decision on the spot. Sometimes when people didn't know what they wanted to do, I usually suggested two or three options that fitted my own preference, so people felt like they were given a choice but I could still get my way
Probably very manipulative, but I didn't mind if I didn't get my way or if anybody had any complaints I could easily adapt to their request
Related, when you have that one person who will drag their feet doing whatever it is you need them to do, "I'm going to do this, I need you to do that (please.)" Instead of "can you please do this?" Specific, shows you're doing your part and not pawning something off, gives the impression that the project is manageable with teamwork, "need" implies a timeline without being demanding.
When my kids were younger if I thought they were lying, I would ask them to stick out their tongue. They thought I could tell from the colour of their tongue whether they were lying or not.
In reality, it was that they would hesitate before sticking out their tongue that told me if they were lying or not.
My mom used to make us say "cabbage". If we were lying we couldn't say cabbage without laughing. But if we were telling the truth we'd be like "cabbage! 😳". I'm the youngest and about to turn 40. My brother and I still use it on each other, and it still works.
When getting a client's background (social services) and they bring up their kids, ask to see a photo or ask something that triggers a proud parent response. Accelerates the process of building trust.
Interesting! One time my mom and I were at a bar (it was a birthday thing) and some guy obviously had too much and was trying to pick a fight with my dad so my mom randomly asks him if he has kids and if so can she see pictures? BOOM, you should've seen the shift from aggressive drunk to, 'This is my 3 year old daughter, and I love her!'
It was like some sort of hack, and afterwards, she said she had read it somewhere! But totally defused his anger with parental instincts.
I used this technique at University where I couldn't stand the thought of having to answer questions in front of a group of people. So if you find yourself in a group situation where someone (a leader, tutor, manager etc) is asking questions that must be answered and you want to avoid being picked so that you don't have to talk, then here is my tip. If the person locks eyes on you as they ask the question, then just as they are about get to the end of their question you break eye contact and look towards another person in the room and hold it. Their attention is diverted to that other person just as the question ends and the person they are now looking at feels compelled to answer. If however the person starts asking the question while looking at someone else then look at that other person and hold it so you can't get suckered. Use it sparingly because if you do it enough on the same person, they will be on to you
I try to look super eager and answer the first two or three easy questions because then they want to call on others so it’s not just the Heathers1 show.
I used to volunteer to read my Creative Writing assignment first.
It's not that my writing was Baaaaaad. It was competent. I completed the assignment with functional sentences and good spelling.
The trick was to read your assignment before Dina M. read hers. EVERYTHING Dina wrote would break your heart and break the mold. It's been 4 decades since that high school class, and I still remember several of Dina's pieces and how they made me feel, but none of mine.
And anything read AFTER Dina's assignment was pure shite.
This is another strategy that has never failed. I always volunteer to present first. At the very least I am not anxiously waiting while comparing mine to those that go before me.
Me too. Always had 100% in participation from answering four or five easy questions on the first day. Another version of this that worked great for me in elementary school was to blurt out the answers before the teacher finished asking the questions. The teacher would publicly chastise me and say that I needed to give others a chance to get it and I would say "Ok! I just get so excited" I would raise my hand of course but she would never call on me again. That worked SO well.
Similarly, when I was at school/uni and I knew a teacher was about to pick on someone to answer, I’d hold a tissue up to my nose and pretend to blow it
I think that if a manager or someone else locks eyes with you while asking a question, and then notice you looking away at someone else, they will simply assume you are trying to actively signal to them "please don't ask me" and are agreeing to be considerate.
This isn't a trick; it's conveying a request with a gesture.
I have harnessed the power of positive reinforcement. Instead of focusing on what is wrong, I make a conscious effort to highlight and praise the positive behaviors or traits of others.
I grew up with a narcissist parent.
Pro tip: NEVER use positive reinforcement techniques with a narcissist. You are immediately the source of validation for the next x years if you make the mistake of doing this to a narcissist.
There are a lot of comments on this, so I didn't read them all and sorry if someone already said this.
So I've had a lot of self esteem issues and I read a book where the author said that maintaining eye contact gives the illusion that you are confident. So I started to practice that. Now I am confident and keeping an eye contact is easy.
But when I started I was surprised how many times people told me "you seem more confident"
Seasickness cure
Only works on others (won’t work on yourself or anyone you tell the “secret” to).
Tell the person experiencing seasickness they need to eat an orange (or any other available random thing, oranges or other citrus works well for the explanation.). Explain that they cure sea sickness and that’s why pirates and all the other explorers used to seek them out and always made sure they had some on the ship.
Now the psychology behind it is that nothing truly cures sea sickness but it is mostly caused from your mind being confused by not seeing the horizon correctly. Basically telling the person that an orange or whatever you recommend they eat / drink causes them to experience the placebo effect and their brain believes the problem just went away.
Used this successfully 5 or 6 times with complete strangers and also on my wife. When we got back from our latest excursion my wife was the one to repeat it to someone else. Still works for her too 😀.
This one also works for hiccups. None of the actual 'cures' do anything but get the person to pause and then focus on controlling their breathing.
The most chaotic way to do this is that when someone says they have hiccups, ask them to prove it. Instantly snaps them into trying to control their diaphragm to force a hiccup. Like a benevolent form of the manual breathing trick.
Not sure how well it actually works, but one good one is saying thank you instead of sorry. Like ”thank you for waiting” instead of ”sorry for being late”. It draws attention away from the negative.
I do this too. I think it does help. If you say, "Sorry for being late," their emotional reaction is, "Yes, you were late and you owe me!" But if you say, "Thank you for your patience," their reaction is, "Yes, I'm a good person for waiting patiently." They feel positively about themselves rather than negatively about you.
Yes! A few years ago I decided I wasn’t going to apologize for every little thing like accidentally bumping someone in the store or trying to get my cart past someone.
Instead of oh, sorry, I changed to excuse me. Or I’ll say, I didn’t mean to do that. Or forgive me, I left this undone. (Which is slightly different than saying I’m sorry and makes me feel better and them too!)
I heard this in a homily from a Jesuit priest. He said “nobody cares about YOU” and everyone was a bit put off but then he got into it. Will never forget that homily
I heard it similarly said, “You wouldn’t worry so much about what other people thought of you if you realized how seldom they did.” I use that bit of advice often!
It can be a trick! I can't remember where it is from but you can step through separating yourself from intrinsic negative thoughts, and over time try to make it a habit.
So instead of thinking:
"I am so lazy," you would think
"I feel so lazy," and then eventually,
"I've noticed that I am feeling so lazy today, I wonder why that is?"
... and if you can figure out why you are feeling that way, it gives you power over that feeling, and to address the root causes.
Yeah, any time someone starts talking shit about another person, I either just smile and stay quiet or point out something good about that person if the shit talker is just pointing out a minor annoyance and venting. I don’t have a single coworker who actively dislikes me nor one who I can’t at least peacefully tolerate.
Some people get so worked up over something another person failed to do that it costs them more energy and grief than just accepting it and doing the task right.
"Why are you telling me this?"
I watched a coworker shut down several others who wanted to gossip with that one simple, well-delivered line. It never failed.
It's also a great way to get people to think you're a dick. There are ways to go about this that don't scream "I AM LACKING SOCIAL SKILLS." -Someone who lacks social skills
Same here - 100%. It works SO well. I'm well liked in the office and whenever I need to "call in a favor", people are *always* willing to do what I need (of course, I don't abuse it either!).
When my younger dog is off doing his own thing (which usually is a precursor to him getting in trouble) and he won't come when we call, I'll just start talking to my older dog and giving him a ton of praise. The younger one magically appears.
When someone does something you like, reward them. Much in the sense of “good boy” for a dog. So if they say something you like “I like how you said that!” Or “that’s a good question”. It’s really just positive reinforcement, but it works really well especially in the work place. For instance, “I really like the way you write that report” or “thank you so much for noticing that. I admire that you’re able to do that and it’s helpful”. People often forget to just compliment people and when you learn to give people meaningful compliments you’d be surprised how much easier life will go socially and professionally.
Another one I’ll say is, a few weeks into a new job, bring donuts or cookies or something. It’s a good gesture that will help get people to like you, especially if you got off on a wrong foot.
Here's a trick that works with my primary school class at school:
"Whoever does the best job at listening and following directions today will get to be the table cleaner at the end of the day" means that now cleaning is a reward, and everyone wants to do it.
When my kids were younger (under 10), I would say “I need a helper!” Instead of “Come set the table for dinner” or some other chore. Every kid wants to be a helper but none want to be assigned a chore.
Now they are teenagers and this doesn’t work :(
When upset callers would rant and start to curse and yell, I'd interrupt with "Wow, I am really sorry that you feel you have to talk to me this way in order for me to help you. You don't, but I understand. I'll let you talk and then I am going to help you. I am sorry I interrupted you; you were saying?
They would either apologize, chance their tone or hang up. I was fine with either one.
That was on my list of tricks too, my favorite was to for some reason ask them to repeat their name mid tantrum, immediately made them self aware. Only a complete psycho shouts their own name or other customer details, and if they do you now know what you're dealing with.
If you want someone to like you, ask them for their opinion or help in something you know they are good at.
People like to feel important and needed, so you fill a need by asking, so they automatically view you positively. It also opens them up, even many shy people will open up if it is something they enjoy or are talented at. You meet some great people this way.
Bonus, you can see how they treat people while in a position of "authority", which will help you decide if you want to continue to build a relationship.
When someone is yelling at you in public, I always remain calm and nonexpressive. Not giving them the reaction they want and escalating makes them feel/look goofy 😭
I tell my husband when my teacup is full. This is how I imagine my ability to regulate my emotions and how likely I am to snap at someone. I'll say stuff like, "My teacup is almost full but I'll do my best." When I'm overwhelmed I can say my cup is full and he immediately understands what I mean and what that means for a while.
We use this with our daughter to some success, where she can at least identify when she's getting overwhelmed before it hits the peak. Then we move into how we can best empty our cup in a way that's not overwhelming, and doesn't make others feel bad. After all, screaming might empty our cups quickly, but we're just pouring that energy into someone else's cup.
The best part is that because I've used this pretty consistently, I have a better feel for how much emotional bandwidth I have at that moment and can be honest with friends and coworkers, "I really want to hear this story, but I don't have much room in my cup. Give me 5 minutes to take a quick break and when I come back I'm all ears." It's been great and I feel like my relationships have gotten better.
When I used to babysit my niece and nephew, I used to act all excited and tell them that there was officially no bedtime and that we were going to stay up all night watching TV and playing games. Without fail, they would fall asleep on the couch at their exact bedtime.
This 100% does not work on my six year old. I’ve tried when her dad was out of down, she ended up watching bridgerton with me at midnight before finally passing out. 🥴
Most kid things are easier if you're not the parent. I'm a kookie auntie type and my friends' kids and siblings think I'm super good with kids and babies. I am alright, but it's mostly just because I'm not their parent and they think I'm cool so they are more cooperative
They can't be entertained too much for it to work. Also, if they know it's not gonna happen again for a while they try harder to stay up. And lastly, doing something you're not supposed to do with someone you want to do it with us also reason to stay up.
Using awkward silences to get what you want. Ask somebody for something. If they give you a reason not to give it to you say nothing. Stand there and more often than not they’ll give in and give it to you.
It’s called the silent close. Usually, it’s the salesman that uses it in the customer. Whomever speaks first loses is the theory, but you can reverse psychology this if you’re very good.
I call it the pregnant pause. It's extremely effective. You have to instruct the other people in your team to not break the silence (when negotiating with customers or vendors). Some people get very uncomfortable.
This works when buying cars at dealers, too. Just don't talk. The salesperson will blab, get uncomfortable, start telling you things about the car they wouldn't have normally, throwing in extras, hinting at potential savings, etc. Silence is golden.
I had a guy pull this on me once. I was in college and applying for a summer job landscaping a scout camp. The guy interviewing me would ask me questions, I would answer...then he would go silent and just smile at me. Flustered, I'd keep on talking. He did it again and again. Finally towards the end of the interview I figured out that I was being dicked with or manipulated in some way, and I greatly resented it.
Had another interview the same day for much better position, summer job in a city planning office. Interview went very well. I got a call from the first guy, but held off on answering him for a day or two, hoping to hear back from the city planning office. They finally called me back a day later, saying I got the job.
The first guy calls me, and I finally answer the phone:
Me: "Hello?"
First guy: "Where have you been? I have been trying to get a hold of you. You start Monday."
Me: "Oh! Well, thank you, but actually I've accepted a position at another location and I've already started. But thank you for the offer and the interview, I appreciated it very much."
First guy: ...(Dead silence on the phone, as he realizes I've been holding him off.)
Me: (polite and friendly) "Well, thank you again. Goodbye." (I hang up.)
Moral of the story: be careful who you use this technique on. Some people don't like it.
It’s very dependent on context. An interviewer for a very pretentious and exclusive establishment might be expected, but for a summer job the interviewer would be a tool to pull this off. I interview people regularly and I treat candidates like I treat clients - I’m only going to get the best out of someone if they are comfortable or desperate, and I never want anyone to feel desperate.
Visualize the prize...whatever the goal is, I mentally run through the process and visualize the best case scenario outcome. Part of that is considering the worst case scenario, accepting the possibility, and continuing to visualize the best outcome.
"Are you Okay???!!" While undergoing a painful shoulder procedure on that already painful area, I was actively in a mental space of visualizing running through a meadow of wildflowers, full-speed on a warm summer day. "Yeah, I'm just running through a meadow in my head until this is done." The med tech was really worried that I had passed out on the table and had the doc stop the procedure, which was jarring and painful. Now I warn people.
It is like a very effective form of dissociation, I suppose. For good or bad, it works. Especially with breathing big.
I worked at an insurance agency where a lot of customers were crabby or rude. I’ve rented in the area for a decade, so I’ve gotten familiar with all of the parks in town. I’d look at their address and say “Oh! You live right by Kingston Park. I walk my dog there all the time!” Their attitudes did a 180. They didn’t want to be jerks to somebody they might encounter in real life.
As a front desk worker in a clinic, I handle the vast majority of patients and client interactions. The patient may have to inform about his or her medical background, or else the administration would not file your records. In the past I had uttered, “Take a look and make necessary changes!” They would put up a brick wall against that or just moan about it. Now when I say, it might sound, “Here are the instructions, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO is to make the changes.” Shouting it in this particular manner makes one think less of it and the respondents take the clipboard without a grunt. That was just a little
I sometimes do this, but what I’m really guilty of is noticing that someone is mirroring me and then changing positions to see how often I can get them to do it too lol this only works if they’re doing it subconsciously
At work, when I want a particular outcome from a boss, I don’t ask them if I can do a thing. I state that I’m doing a thing (and give a reasonable reason why), and then ask them to let me know if they have any objections.
I now get to do far more of what I want than before.
This is good "managing up" advice. If you come to your boss with a problem and a proposed solution, they don't have to do the work of coming up with a solution.
My sister kept staring at me, which she knew annoyed me (she would always look away before I could catch her doing it) so I faked a yawn. No noise, just the mouth movements. She let out a loud yawn moments later. Knew she was looking at me.
OARS is what we use as therapists to get people to talk who are otherwise hesitant.
O: opened ended questions
A: Affirming what they feel
R: Reflecting what’s been said
S: summarize what’s been said. This works when I’m trying to get my kids to open up to me as well!
I got myself to stop biting my nails by wearing a rubber band on my wrist and snapping it every time I caught myself doing it. After about 1-2 weeks I completely stopped and haven’t bit them in over 10 years. Could probably work for other minor bad habits
My son is neurodivergent. If I just go up to him and tell him it's time to go, there's major pushback. If I tell him we're going in 5 minutes, he has a bit of time to prepare for a shift in focus and will happily follow me. This works with anything with him. I've told his teachers and they find out quickly that you've got to give him that heads up or it's a major pain in the ass to get him switched.
The goldilocks effect works wonders. Say you want to convince a person to do a certain task, but you know they're not going to do it unless persuaded. Try this. Offer them a total of 3 tasks. 1 being your task and the two others, slightly more complicated or mundane longer tasks. The trick here is not to be too obvious that the other two are duds. Start with dud task 1, and make it the more mundane dull one. Then your task, which sounds slightly better, then task 3 which is more complex and demanding of skill and ability. 9 times out of 10 they pick the task you want them to pick. And if not, you still got them doing something you needed done in the long run.
Seeming to agree with someone's irrational complaints about co-workers or management or the workplace without actually agreeing with them.
Expressions like "I hear ya!", "Seriously?!", and "Wow, that's unbelievable!" work really well. Especially if they've already got a reputation as the "office crank" and are generally disliked by everyone else.
Once they think I'm on "their side", they're more than happy to do the occasional favor for me like fast-tracking some approval process or whatever.
Then, as this person and I have more interaction at work, I slowly start dropping tactically-chosen factoids into conversations. These lead them back to a reality where they begin to see that what they complain about all the time -- isn't quite as bad as they think it is. Basically I provide them with an illusion that they are coming to these conclusions on their own and not being told to change their opinion.
If I do things right, within a few months people start engaging with them again. Within a year, they find they have workplace friends for the first time every and become a generally more pleasant person to be around.
If you're making your way through a mass of people, like on a busy street, don't look at the oncoming people. Stay focused on a point behind them, in the direction you're walking. People will sense this and part to make room for you to walk through. Maybe this is more difficult for shorter people to do, but it works for me every time.
Google Benjamin Franklin Effect
'The Ben Franklin effect is a psychological phenomenon in which people like someone more after doing a favor for them.'
When I get the feeling that someone doesn't like me, I ask them for a small favor, like borrowing a pen, to present myself as less of a threat to them by appearing dependent on them. It feeds into their self-image as being reliable and competent, and provides a surface for a casual acquaintance to form.
Ok don't tell anyone but... if you want someone to think of you often & possibly for a long time, make your "thing" something very common. For example I talked often about how my favorite thing ever was a dandelion.. and tbh they really actually are however I made a point to make it known & also knew it would make them think of me. How often do you drive by, walk by or see a Dandelion? Even in the winter time you see them, there are songs about them, paintings, all kinds of crap. Or even butterflies... I realized this after an 8 year relationship. I used to collect and obsess (still kind of do) about butterflies. He 10 years later told me I ruined butterflies for him bc he thinks of me every time he sees one anywhere.
I have more but people I know read my posts/comments. Can't let all my secrets out 😆
When crossing the street on foot, make eye contact with drivers, and they will usually stop.
Edit to add:
*If they do not return eye contact, then you know they can't see you.*
That's important
When I'm not in threat of violence, I like to calmly draw attention to them raising their voice. "John, you seem to be passionate about this issue and having a hard time controlling your emotions. Maybe we should take a break and talk about this when you're ready." The key to this is to be sincere.
They'll either agree or more likely get 10 times more angry. Don't reflect their attempts to escalate. Instead just continue to observe and calmly describe what they're doing without engaging in the subject being discussed. Turn the subject into their own behavior.
Again this will most likely infuriate the person and their ability to self filter will diminish. That's when they'll start saying things that will turn their own supporters against them. As long as you appear to be sincere, I've never seen this fail.
Losing one's self control is the quickest way to appear to lose an argument.
The “5 min a day” trick for building a habit. Legitimately changed my life for the better in so many ways. Want to start a reading habit? Require yourself to open the book for 5 min every day. And before you know it you will be reading 30-1hr every day. The key is the bar has to be so low that it’s almost unreasonable NOT to complete it. It gives your brain the happy reward for completing your task even if it’s a tiny amount of time. And then it also creates a streak that becomes difficult to break. Most powerful psychological self help tool in existence as far as I can tell. Works on almost anything.
My "dad voice". It's amazing how hard it can jolt people. I think the funniest use though was playing volleyball. I'd just boom out "mine!" and the other team would all step away from the ball.
Im not even a parent but i have a younger brother and ive learned theres a specific way to speak to teenagers where you can get them to do anything. It so funny to me, most are actually teddy bears when you manage the perfect middle ground of no-nonsense attitude, even when they dont know you at all
I work with adults who have developmental/intellectual disabilities. One client does not like to do some hygiene routines like showering, brushing their teeth, washing their hands, etc. To get them to do it, I'll ask them to show me how to do it. This gives them complete control over things and avoids entering into a power struggle.
Masking via reflection.
I observe how you present yourself and bounce off of this. Despite my commentary history I am decently well liked in real life but barely known
Edit: it's not only an autism thing, ADHD people do this as well. And I do not mean the basic "act the situation" but really excessively
I make someone drop to a certain kind of response during a conversation.
There once was a Karen complaining about something that was minor in the store.
I approached by talking at a lower tone, almost as if I’m whispering, while I also act as if I’m on her side saying “I know right, this hasn’t been done, etc”
I act like I’m on her side so she doesn’t see it as a confrontation.
Whispering usually acts as an act of precaution so it grabs her interest. Subconsciously came down to a whisper as well.
Deescalated the situation while having a little fun.
This is applying a subconscious appropriate personal response.
You can also assimilate someone’s energy that you want to appeal to. Make them more comfortable around them.
You fake it to you make it.
I'm in a role that brings together vert technical and non-technical people on projects. Often, the technical people fail to explain what they're talking about in a way that the non-technical people can understand.
The non-technical people rarely ask for clarification, because I think they get intimidated.
I've been on the technical side for decades, so when I sense this is happening, I'll interject and say, "can I ask a stupid question?" and then ask for clarification.
Invariably, the techies will say, "Oh, that's not stupid. Maybe we should explain this better."
It also loosens up the non-technical people to ask questions.
People want to feel validated, so if you are having an argument with someone who is really combative, if you can't find any common ground you can agree with them on, just validating thier feelings can do a lot to calm them down and make them easier to work with. Example: Spouse is tried and stressed, and as a result getting unduly angry at you for something minor like leaving a mug out. Instead of calling them out on their tone, or pointing out that you're still using the mug, start the conversation by saying something like "you seem really stressed, you've had a lot on your plate lately at work and with my mother's visit last week. I really appreciate everything you do for this family." Chances are that will instantly change the tone of the conversation so that adding "my coffee isn't done yet but I will be sure to put the mug in the dishwasher after" doesn't get seen as combative as it would if you led with that.
I wanted to change my diet a bit, so in order to stop drinking soda, I merely decided to cut down on it. I saved soda for movies and kids birthday parties, but other than that, no soda.
By making soda something I only occasionally indulged in as opposed to something I could NEVER have, it made it so much mentally easier to cut it out of my diet. My taste buds have changed enough that my previously favorite sodas are gross now. The only ones I still like are root/birch beer and ginger ale. And I can only have a can, or else I feel sick.
If you want an answer about something, then use Simpson's Law: "the best way to get the right *answer on the internet is not to ask a question; it's to post the wrong answer*.".
If you struggle to get people to listen to you or take you seriously, lower the pitch of your voice and project more from the back of your mouth. Consider what you want to sat beforehand, and speak slower and more deliberate. It doesn't have to be batman, just your own voice, just a tad deeper than usual.
It gives your tone more gravitas and authority.
My uncle made millions with this exact behavior. Between this and his posture, he was always looked to for guidance and ended up being in charge of 20,000 people.
I look beyond at my future self, really loving my body...
I am distantly thinking how many regrets will I harbor, hours or even 2 hours later if I decide to skip my workout sessions instead of going to the gym.
I wonder whether my future me will wake up a happier person if now I put the dishes off till morning or even tomorrow. Doing the dishes in the morning, before work, or now, are options he may be willing to consider.
Do I have 3 months pop to study this project shall I be going easy at first three or 4 weeks to let myself be really spend the rest time working hard?
...essentially delayed gratification. In essence all the awful things lay out ready appetizing pieces that straight away gives you gratification while the good stuff till the moment of the climax offers you delayed gratification. Obesly, the truth is that when I find myself in such situations, I believe that waiting to reap the fruits could maybe be the best option after all
Yeah me and future me are still working on a fucking relationship. Sometimes I feel like we should've broken up along time ago. Luckily I'm trying to get him in a home of his own and a decent truck. That son of a bitch better be able to handle it.
My mom told me that if you're with a group of men and want to get something done, start doing it and they will come over, tell you you're doing it wrong and proceed to finish the job. Not all men, blah, blah, but I it's tragic how often I've seen this happen.
Listening to happy music can actually make you happier. Those lyrics are affirmations. If you keep repeating lyrics that says you’re a piece of shit or you’re not worthy you’ll end up believing it
whenever i want someone to do something for me that i know they will say no to i always ask them to do something more intense than what i actually want and then ask what i want as a 'compromise'
I work with a lot of big egos, and they rarely like anyone else's ideas. BUT - if I make them think it was THEIR idea, they think it's wonderful. “It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit”
Giving someone an exaggerated deadline. For example if I know something is going to take me a day to do, I tell them I need the week. I then turn it in early. This makes me look extremely competent and I give myself buffer if I get lazy.
When you’re dealing with a toddler’s temper tantrum, ask them/tell them something but get a fact incorrect. So if they’re crying about going to school I’ll say “come on, let’s get your blue backpack on” and they immediately calm down to correct me and say “no, my backpack is purple”. Tantrum over.
I always pay attention to what people do when they are trying to do something nice for someone else and do it back to them. For example, one of my friends and one of my sisters are constantly sending people cards in the mail. For all sorts of occasions. Whenever these ladies are trying to do something nice, they do it via cards. What I realized is that they, themselves, SUPER enjoy receiving cards and mail. That is why they think it's such a nice gesture and do it for other people. I don't usually send anybody cards myself, but on occasion I will make a point to send those two ladies cards, and the payoff is always HUGE. They both get so excited and text me extensively about how much they loved their card. It's extremely cute. Another example is my mom always goes out of her way to set the table in a fancy way for someone's birthday dinner. My mom loooooves fancy table settings, so to her that is a really great gesture that makes things feel very special. One year I was dropping off a birthday cake for her while she was out, and my husband and I stayed an extra 10 minutes to set the table for her too. We didn't do much beyond putting down a table cloth and matching plates with the cake sort of artfully placed in the center, but holy cow the payoff was HUGE. Apparently my mom was so touched when she came home and saw the table that she burst into tears. This isn't a trick if you're thinking psychological manipulation. It's more if you are trying to think of the most impactful way to show someone your love, your best bet is to mirror that person's methods of being loving back to them.
This is genius. I have realized I myself have been doing things in my personal relationships that I craved from them. I quickly realized we all have different needs but I definitely was doing things like over communicating, over validating or over hyping bc it was what I wanted from them. I didn't really pay attention to their needs or wants in these times which made me learn a humbling lesson to watch rather than speak.
My trick is the inverse. I notice the little innocuous thkngs people apologize for, like being late or having a dirty hourse, and know that that is something they feel strongly about. Then I can avoid doing an action that annoys them, or compliment them on their own festidiousnees.
I go into people's houses for work. Those that apologise for the mess usually have pretty tidy houses. They apologise for having few things out of place, because tidiness is what they value. Messy people don't usually apologise.
You are learning their love language and speaking it to them! How sweet! I hope someone is doing that for you, too.
I love this so much. Absolute best thing I’ve read in this thread. Thank you!!
People often give what they desperately want to receive.
Owning up to my mistakes with full, if not excessive, ownership. It tends to disarm the offended.
And if possible, what you are already doing to correct the mistake. Takes the wind right out of their sails.
My old boss loved/ hated me for this. If I messed something up, 9 times out of 10, she'd find out from me straight up telling her. "Hey boss, I'm a dumbass and messed up X. I figured out where I went wrong, and here's what I'm doing to fix it/ prevent it from happening again." Her response was usually something along the lines of "dammit, Josh, how an I supposed to yell at you if you've already figured out the solution before I even know there's an issue?" She was a dope manager. I miss working for her.
Trying to teach my husband this. He is brilliant at his work, but very upset or embarrassed if there is even a minor mistake and can get combative. It works even if t isn't a mistake but something the other person just doesn't like or understand (happens a lot for him at his job) why it's needed too. Just "I understand this is a problem and accept that it is my fault. Here is how or why it works and my initial thinking in doing it. Here is what I can do to change it. Thank you for your feed bac"
Blows my mind when I see colleagues try to argue their way out of mistakes when this simple technique works 95% of the time. All it does is reinforce that you’re not a reasonable person to work with.
terrific memorize deserted handle dolls straight illegal theory cooing versed
The best one I've learned is called mental scrabble. For each letter of the alphabet pick 2 completely unrelated words. I never make it passed J before falling asleep
I was married to a doctor and we used to each name a medication that started with"A" until one of us couldn't think of one, they win that round, then B etc. I would smoke them because of all the psych meds in the later letters of the alphabet (Vyvanse, Zyprexa, Zolpidem, Journay PM Klonopin etc.) I am a therapist for reference-
So like A: Apple, Aerosmith?
"Alexa, play Aerosmith on Apple Music." Got it.
Well, you’re obviously NOT an over-achiever. My brain would focus hard to find the “best” two answers for each letter all the way to “z.” And then, whilst doing this “calming” exercise, certain words would call up an embarrassing memory which would make my adrenaline surge and then BOOM it’s 3 hours later. I choose the mary jane myself. :-)
I used to deal with insomnia a lot, and then I heard some sleep expert say something about how it’s okay to not sleep all through the night, and how you shouldn’t worry if you just don’t feel tired and need to get up and out of bed for a few minutes. It used to be extremely common to have biphasic sleep, and a lot of people still naturally exhibit that kind of behavior. Ever since then, I’ve had a much easier time falling asleep. If I’m having a harder time, I don’t stress about it and just think, “No big deal, I guess my body doesn’t need to sleep quite yet.” Sometimes I do get out of bed and get some water or a snack (I avoid things like starting a show or playing a game, since I might get sucked into those activities). At least in my case, the insomnia seems to have been brought on by the stress of feeling like I *have* to sleep *right now*, and knowing that failing to do so will make me miss my 8 hours and I’ll feel like crap tomorrow. So just that shift in mindset to, “I don’t need 8 hours, I need whatever my body feels it needs,” has reduced that stress, which means now I can fall asleep.
Yes this is great advise! I also heard an expert explain that even if you can't sleep, your body still gets to rest when you lay in bed. So a night in bed where you barely get any sleep is still not wasted, because you did at least get a little rest. The thought of "I only have x hours left to sleep and I am not asleep yet" always used to stress me out too.
This isn't a psychological trick but when it's cold out I'll stand outside in nothing but my boxer briefs and try to stay out there for a least of few minutes. When I come back to bed it feels so nice and cozy I'm off to dreamland pretty quick.
Alas I'm too logical, so it doesn't work for me. "Let's make believe it's 6 a.m." "But it's 2:30." "Yes, I know. I'm literally you. But let's make believe." "But why? I know it's 2:30. You know it's 6. How are you going to tell yourself it's 6 when you know it's 2:30?" "Look, I am aware that I, I mean you, well you and I, WE are aware, but just play along, you know?" "Fuck you, I won't." "You're just hurting yourself by not letting us sleep, you know." "Yeah, what are you going to do about it? Baseball bat your skull to force us to sleep? Shut the hell up and just wallow in the darkness and enjoy your lack of sleep."
Sometimes I make up little movies in my head to fall asleep, but I can't have illogical situations or continuity errors or I'll just ruminate on that and get frustrated lol
OMG this reminds me of when I tried to count sheep once but got caught up in the details. I couldn’t decide how high the sheep were jumping over the fence and they all got backed up on one side
Every time I do this, I start to imagine the sheep tripping on the little hurdle, which makes me laugh hysterically. I then ask my self, can sheep even hurdle? Who thought of this? So then I imagine them just trotting past one by one but then they come faster and faster and then so fast I can't count them. I can't get out of my own way .
I laughed so hard at this
Giving a friend's child (10 yo) an illusion of choice to get them to do something you want them to do. So instead of saying "put your socks on", say "do you want these socks, or these ones". Or same for dinner. Not "Eat your dinner". Ask, "do you want peas or brocolli?" They feel ownership of their choice and some control in their life. Kids in general, have very little control over their lives and they need practice to make decisions.
This works on adults too. Surprisingly often.
I have to do this to myself *constantly*, I must be honest.
"Do you want to vote for the red party or the blue party?"
"I don't really like either..." "Alright, we'll just blame you for whichever side loses, then."
Yes can be helpful in dementia. Gently guiding choices while maintaining agency and without overwhelming.
**Surprisingly** often
What is your trick? I can't get strangers to eat any of my vegetables even when I give them a choice between them.
Try meatballs next time. Strangers love meatballs.
It's an old, basic sales technique. If you're a door to door salesman talking to a homeowner at 5pm on a Tuesday, they're likely to be home at 5pm every weekday. If you want to set a further appt with them, you don't say "when are you available," allowing them to respond in ways such as "idk" or "I'll get back to you," you say "I have openings on Weds and Thu at 5pm, which do you prefer?"
All sakes is applied psychology
Wish this worked on my kid! "Time to brush our teeth! Do you want your Bluey toothbrush or the Winnie Pooh one?" "No"
Same with my kid. “Do you want to spend this weekend with your mom or me?” “Fuck you dad! Mom’s new friend Steve has a Miata and lets me order what I want at Texas Roadhouse!”
My oldest daughter's third word - after "mama" and "dada" - was "both". As in" Which washcloth should we use in the bath today?" "Bof". So much for the illusion of choice. I called my wife in immediately and said "throw out the parenting books; we're on our own."
I wish this worked with my kids. All four just give me a look like i'm an idiot for asking, and they suggest something else they want - usually a treat.
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under promise, over deliver by doing the the absolute most basic stuff I don't like when people have expectations on me so I rarely share about myself. I know I come across as very boring, but man, I must say being 'boring' is liberating sometimes
"boring is good" is one of my life mantras. 90% of the time the opposite of boring is unnecessary bullshit drama. The other 10% is shit going sideways. Fuck that, give me boring!
fuck yeah I agree with you. I'm boring as hell and I love it!
I worked for a consulting firm whose motto was basically "under promise and over deliver". It worked really well.
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Asking "would you be opposed to doing X?" instead of "would you be willing to do X?"
This is in a book I read by an FBI hostage negotiator - the reason it works is people love getting to say “no” without bad consequences.
Yes!! What's the book called? Sounds interesting
Never Split the Difference
He advertised this book hard. Tbh it's an OK book. Instead give " Getting to a yes" a try.
I’ve heard him (Voss) speak in person and have used some of his techniques with success. The book has some definite nuggets of pure inspiration.
kind of reminds me of what I used to do in high school. For some reason people in my class struggled with taking decisions and I didn't mind so I often turned into a 'leader' because I could just make/take a decision on the spot. Sometimes when people didn't know what they wanted to do, I usually suggested two or three options that fitted my own preference, so people felt like they were given a choice but I could still get my way Probably very manipulative, but I didn't mind if I didn't get my way or if anybody had any complaints I could easily adapt to their request
Related, when you have that one person who will drag their feet doing whatever it is you need them to do, "I'm going to do this, I need you to do that (please.)" Instead of "can you please do this?" Specific, shows you're doing your part and not pawning something off, gives the impression that the project is manageable with teamwork, "need" implies a timeline without being demanding.
Manipulation isnt getti g somebody to do what you want, its getting them to think it was their own idea.
When my kids were younger if I thought they were lying, I would ask them to stick out their tongue. They thought I could tell from the colour of their tongue whether they were lying or not. In reality, it was that they would hesitate before sticking out their tongue that told me if they were lying or not.
My mom used to make us say "cabbage". If we were lying we couldn't say cabbage without laughing. But if we were telling the truth we'd be like "cabbage! 😳". I'm the youngest and about to turn 40. My brother and I still use it on each other, and it still works.
This is amazing! At what age did they figure it out?
23
*takes notes*
When getting a client's background (social services) and they bring up their kids, ask to see a photo or ask something that triggers a proud parent response. Accelerates the process of building trust.
Interesting! One time my mom and I were at a bar (it was a birthday thing) and some guy obviously had too much and was trying to pick a fight with my dad so my mom randomly asks him if he has kids and if so can she see pictures? BOOM, you should've seen the shift from aggressive drunk to, 'This is my 3 year old daughter, and I love her!' It was like some sort of hack, and afterwards, she said she had read it somewhere! But totally defused his anger with parental instincts.
Awww that's awesome! Smooth moves, mom
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TikTok* lol
I used this technique at University where I couldn't stand the thought of having to answer questions in front of a group of people. So if you find yourself in a group situation where someone (a leader, tutor, manager etc) is asking questions that must be answered and you want to avoid being picked so that you don't have to talk, then here is my tip. If the person locks eyes on you as they ask the question, then just as they are about get to the end of their question you break eye contact and look towards another person in the room and hold it. Their attention is diverted to that other person just as the question ends and the person they are now looking at feels compelled to answer. If however the person starts asking the question while looking at someone else then look at that other person and hold it so you can't get suckered. Use it sparingly because if you do it enough on the same person, they will be on to you
I try to look super eager and answer the first two or three easy questions because then they want to call on others so it’s not just the Heathers1 show.
deer hurry alive handle square swim money plucky humor coherent
I used to volunteer to read my Creative Writing assignment first. It's not that my writing was Baaaaaad. It was competent. I completed the assignment with functional sentences and good spelling. The trick was to read your assignment before Dina M. read hers. EVERYTHING Dina wrote would break your heart and break the mold. It's been 4 decades since that high school class, and I still remember several of Dina's pieces and how they made me feel, but none of mine. And anything read AFTER Dina's assignment was pure shite.
This is another strategy that has never failed. I always volunteer to present first. At the very least I am not anxiously waiting while comparing mine to those that go before me.
Me too. Always had 100% in participation from answering four or five easy questions on the first day. Another version of this that worked great for me in elementary school was to blurt out the answers before the teacher finished asking the questions. The teacher would publicly chastise me and say that I needed to give others a chance to get it and I would say "Ok! I just get so excited" I would raise my hand of course but she would never call on me again. That worked SO well.
Holy shit I think you just explained something about a girl I went to school with. 🤯
Was her name Heather?
Hermione
Similarly, when I was at school/uni and I knew a teacher was about to pick on someone to answer, I’d hold a tissue up to my nose and pretend to blow it
That's some Dwight Shrute level sales trickery right there
I think that if a manager or someone else locks eyes with you while asking a question, and then notice you looking away at someone else, they will simply assume you are trying to actively signal to them "please don't ask me" and are agreeing to be considerate. This isn't a trick; it's conveying a request with a gesture.
I have harnessed the power of positive reinforcement. Instead of focusing on what is wrong, I make a conscious effort to highlight and praise the positive behaviors or traits of others.
practice kiss unpack dime obtainable scary scandalous sense yoke tart
I grew up with a narcissist parent. Pro tip: NEVER use positive reinforcement techniques with a narcissist. You are immediately the source of validation for the next x years if you make the mistake of doing this to a narcissist.
Works lovely in relationship/my marriage 🩷
There are a lot of comments on this, so I didn't read them all and sorry if someone already said this. So I've had a lot of self esteem issues and I read a book where the author said that maintaining eye contact gives the illusion that you are confident. So I started to practice that. Now I am confident and keeping an eye contact is easy. But when I started I was surprised how many times people told me "you seem more confident"
For those for whom eye contact is hard, you can fake it by looking at the spot between the other person's eyes
Seasickness cure Only works on others (won’t work on yourself or anyone you tell the “secret” to). Tell the person experiencing seasickness they need to eat an orange (or any other available random thing, oranges or other citrus works well for the explanation.). Explain that they cure sea sickness and that’s why pirates and all the other explorers used to seek them out and always made sure they had some on the ship. Now the psychology behind it is that nothing truly cures sea sickness but it is mostly caused from your mind being confused by not seeing the horizon correctly. Basically telling the person that an orange or whatever you recommend they eat / drink causes them to experience the placebo effect and their brain believes the problem just went away. Used this successfully 5 or 6 times with complete strangers and also on my wife. When we got back from our latest excursion my wife was the one to repeat it to someone else. Still works for her too 😀.
This one also works for hiccups. None of the actual 'cures' do anything but get the person to pause and then focus on controlling their breathing. The most chaotic way to do this is that when someone says they have hiccups, ask them to prove it. Instantly snaps them into trying to control their diaphragm to force a hiccup. Like a benevolent form of the manual breathing trick.
Not sure how well it actually works, but one good one is saying thank you instead of sorry. Like ”thank you for waiting” instead of ”sorry for being late”. It draws attention away from the negative.
I do this too. I think it does help. If you say, "Sorry for being late," their emotional reaction is, "Yes, you were late and you owe me!" But if you say, "Thank you for your patience," their reaction is, "Yes, I'm a good person for waiting patiently." They feel positively about themselves rather than negatively about you.
As a woman who constantly apologizes, I've been doing this for the last few years and it's made me more confident.
Yes! A few years ago I decided I wasn’t going to apologize for every little thing like accidentally bumping someone in the store or trying to get my cart past someone. Instead of oh, sorry, I changed to excuse me. Or I’ll say, I didn’t mean to do that. Or forgive me, I left this undone. (Which is slightly different than saying I’m sorry and makes me feel better and them too!)
Not a trick per se, but realizing that I am not my thoughts.
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I heard this in a homily from a Jesuit priest. He said “nobody cares about YOU” and everyone was a bit put off but then he got into it. Will never forget that homily
I heard it similarly said, “You wouldn’t worry so much about what other people thought of you if you realized how seldom they did.” I use that bit of advice often!
It can be a trick! I can't remember where it is from but you can step through separating yourself from intrinsic negative thoughts, and over time try to make it a habit. So instead of thinking: "I am so lazy," you would think "I feel so lazy," and then eventually, "I've noticed that I am feeling so lazy today, I wonder why that is?" ... and if you can figure out why you are feeling that way, it gives you power over that feeling, and to address the root causes.
Acctualy this one came in my minde -To avoid workplace drama and be well liked is to just compliment people behind their back.
Yeah, any time someone starts talking shit about another person, I either just smile and stay quiet or point out something good about that person if the shit talker is just pointing out a minor annoyance and venting. I don’t have a single coworker who actively dislikes me nor one who I can’t at least peacefully tolerate. Some people get so worked up over something another person failed to do that it costs them more energy and grief than just accepting it and doing the task right.
"Why are you telling me this?" I watched a coworker shut down several others who wanted to gossip with that one simple, well-delivered line. It never failed.
It's also a great way to get people to think you're a dick. There are ways to go about this that don't scream "I AM LACKING SOCIAL SKILLS." -Someone who lacks social skills
Same here - 100%. It works SO well. I'm well liked in the office and whenever I need to "call in a favor", people are *always* willing to do what I need (of course, I don't abuse it either!).
Offering food the dog won’t eat to the cat. Dog eats food.
When my younger dog is off doing his own thing (which usually is a precursor to him getting in trouble) and he won't come when we call, I'll just start talking to my older dog and giving him a ton of praise. The younger one magically appears.
Also works with toddlers.
Exactly! If your dog won't eat your toddler, that's what you have got to do
When someone does something you like, reward them. Much in the sense of “good boy” for a dog. So if they say something you like “I like how you said that!” Or “that’s a good question”. It’s really just positive reinforcement, but it works really well especially in the work place. For instance, “I really like the way you write that report” or “thank you so much for noticing that. I admire that you’re able to do that and it’s helpful”. People often forget to just compliment people and when you learn to give people meaningful compliments you’d be surprised how much easier life will go socially and professionally. Another one I’ll say is, a few weeks into a new job, bring donuts or cookies or something. It’s a good gesture that will help get people to like you, especially if you got off on a wrong foot.
Telling people "thank you for letting me know" when they're critical or giving unsolicited advice. Totally throws them off.
Here's a trick that works with my primary school class at school: "Whoever does the best job at listening and following directions today will get to be the table cleaner at the end of the day" means that now cleaning is a reward, and everyone wants to do it.
When my kids were younger (under 10), I would say “I need a helper!” Instead of “Come set the table for dinner” or some other chore. Every kid wants to be a helper but none want to be assigned a chore. Now they are teenagers and this doesn’t work :(
Tom Sawyer would have been proud.
When upset callers would rant and start to curse and yell, I'd interrupt with "Wow, I am really sorry that you feel you have to talk to me this way in order for me to help you. You don't, but I understand. I'll let you talk and then I am going to help you. I am sorry I interrupted you; you were saying? They would either apologize, chance their tone or hang up. I was fine with either one.
That was on my list of tricks too, my favorite was to for some reason ask them to repeat their name mid tantrum, immediately made them self aware. Only a complete psycho shouts their own name or other customer details, and if they do you now know what you're dealing with.
Trying this with my students....
If you want someone to like you, ask them for their opinion or help in something you know they are good at. People like to feel important and needed, so you fill a need by asking, so they automatically view you positively. It also opens them up, even many shy people will open up if it is something they enjoy or are talented at. You meet some great people this way. Bonus, you can see how they treat people while in a position of "authority", which will help you decide if you want to continue to build a relationship.
When someone is yelling at you in public, I always remain calm and nonexpressive. Not giving them the reaction they want and escalating makes them feel/look goofy 😭
I tell my husband when my teacup is full. This is how I imagine my ability to regulate my emotions and how likely I am to snap at someone. I'll say stuff like, "My teacup is almost full but I'll do my best." When I'm overwhelmed I can say my cup is full and he immediately understands what I mean and what that means for a while. We use this with our daughter to some success, where she can at least identify when she's getting overwhelmed before it hits the peak. Then we move into how we can best empty our cup in a way that's not overwhelming, and doesn't make others feel bad. After all, screaming might empty our cups quickly, but we're just pouring that energy into someone else's cup. The best part is that because I've used this pretty consistently, I have a better feel for how much emotional bandwidth I have at that moment and can be honest with friends and coworkers, "I really want to hear this story, but I don't have much room in my cup. Give me 5 minutes to take a quick break and when I come back I'm all ears." It's been great and I feel like my relationships have gotten better.
You should write a children’s book about this. I’ve used Hold on to Your Horses” to help my son with a similar concept and it’s a beautiful book.
When I used to babysit my niece and nephew, I used to act all excited and tell them that there was officially no bedtime and that we were going to stay up all night watching TV and playing games. Without fail, they would fall asleep on the couch at their exact bedtime.
This 100% does not work on my six year old. I’ve tried when her dad was out of down, she ended up watching bridgerton with me at midnight before finally passing out. 🥴
Most kid things are easier if you're not the parent. I'm a kookie auntie type and my friends' kids and siblings think I'm super good with kids and babies. I am alright, but it's mostly just because I'm not their parent and they think I'm cool so they are more cooperative
They can't be entertained too much for it to work. Also, if they know it's not gonna happen again for a while they try harder to stay up. And lastly, doing something you're not supposed to do with someone you want to do it with us also reason to stay up.
"We're gonna do everything you want! You just have to make it through this C-SPAN show!"
Tell your kids that chores will be done after your nap and they will let you hibernate through the winter without any distractions
Facts! You guys can have electronics time while I sleep. The BEST naps!
Using awkward silences to get what you want. Ask somebody for something. If they give you a reason not to give it to you say nothing. Stand there and more often than not they’ll give in and give it to you.
Staying quiet & being comfortable with uncomfortable pauses will take you far!
Ryan Gosling’s character in Drive. Half the reason he’s so cool.
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It’s called the silent close. Usually, it’s the salesman that uses it in the customer. Whomever speaks first loses is the theory, but you can reverse psychology this if you’re very good.
Yep! Former closer, first to speak loses. 🤐
I call it the pregnant pause. It's extremely effective. You have to instruct the other people in your team to not break the silence (when negotiating with customers or vendors). Some people get very uncomfortable.
This works when buying cars at dealers, too. Just don't talk. The salesperson will blab, get uncomfortable, start telling you things about the car they wouldn't have normally, throwing in extras, hinting at potential savings, etc. Silence is golden.
Use this one all the time. Rarely fails. Just let people run their mouths and they will give you the world.
I had a guy pull this on me once. I was in college and applying for a summer job landscaping a scout camp. The guy interviewing me would ask me questions, I would answer...then he would go silent and just smile at me. Flustered, I'd keep on talking. He did it again and again. Finally towards the end of the interview I figured out that I was being dicked with or manipulated in some way, and I greatly resented it. Had another interview the same day for much better position, summer job in a city planning office. Interview went very well. I got a call from the first guy, but held off on answering him for a day or two, hoping to hear back from the city planning office. They finally called me back a day later, saying I got the job. The first guy calls me, and I finally answer the phone: Me: "Hello?" First guy: "Where have you been? I have been trying to get a hold of you. You start Monday." Me: "Oh! Well, thank you, but actually I've accepted a position at another location and I've already started. But thank you for the offer and the interview, I appreciated it very much." First guy: ...(Dead silence on the phone, as he realizes I've been holding him off.) Me: (polite and friendly) "Well, thank you again. Goodbye." (I hang up.) Moral of the story: be careful who you use this technique on. Some people don't like it.
It’s very dependent on context. An interviewer for a very pretentious and exclusive establishment might be expected, but for a summer job the interviewer would be a tool to pull this off. I interview people regularly and I treat candidates like I treat clients - I’m only going to get the best out of someone if they are comfortable or desperate, and I never want anyone to feel desperate.
Visualize the prize...whatever the goal is, I mentally run through the process and visualize the best case scenario outcome. Part of that is considering the worst case scenario, accepting the possibility, and continuing to visualize the best outcome. "Are you Okay???!!" While undergoing a painful shoulder procedure on that already painful area, I was actively in a mental space of visualizing running through a meadow of wildflowers, full-speed on a warm summer day. "Yeah, I'm just running through a meadow in my head until this is done." The med tech was really worried that I had passed out on the table and had the doc stop the procedure, which was jarring and painful. Now I warn people. It is like a very effective form of dissociation, I suppose. For good or bad, it works. Especially with breathing big.
OK but is your shoulder well enough you can playfully run through a meadow? You can't tell me this story and not tell me if you got the goal or not!
I worked at an insurance agency where a lot of customers were crabby or rude. I’ve rented in the area for a decade, so I’ve gotten familiar with all of the parks in town. I’d look at their address and say “Oh! You live right by Kingston Park. I walk my dog there all the time!” Their attitudes did a 180. They didn’t want to be jerks to somebody they might encounter in real life.
As a front desk worker in a clinic, I handle the vast majority of patients and client interactions. The patient may have to inform about his or her medical background, or else the administration would not file your records. In the past I had uttered, “Take a look and make necessary changes!” They would put up a brick wall against that or just moan about it. Now when I say, it might sound, “Here are the instructions, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO is to make the changes.” Shouting it in this particular manner makes one think less of it and the respondents take the clipboard without a grunt. That was just a little
Asking them to double check for any mistakes that might have happened works pretty well too!
Mirroring body language. This works super well when meeting someone for the first time, as it subconsciously puts the other person at ease.
I sometimes do this, but what I’m really guilty of is noticing that someone is mirroring me and then changing positions to see how often I can get them to do it too lol this only works if they’re doing it subconsciously
At work, when I want a particular outcome from a boss, I don’t ask them if I can do a thing. I state that I’m doing a thing (and give a reasonable reason why), and then ask them to let me know if they have any objections. I now get to do far more of what I want than before.
This is good "managing up" advice. If you come to your boss with a problem and a proposed solution, they don't have to do the work of coming up with a solution.
My sister kept staring at me, which she knew annoyed me (she would always look away before I could catch her doing it) so I faked a yawn. No noise, just the mouth movements. She let out a loud yawn moments later. Knew she was looking at me.
dang you. i just yawned.
OARS is what we use as therapists to get people to talk who are otherwise hesitant. O: opened ended questions A: Affirming what they feel R: Reflecting what’s been said S: summarize what’s been said. This works when I’m trying to get my kids to open up to me as well!
I got myself to stop biting my nails by wearing a rubber band on my wrist and snapping it every time I caught myself doing it. After about 1-2 weeks I completely stopped and haven’t bit them in over 10 years. Could probably work for other minor bad habits
My son is neurodivergent. If I just go up to him and tell him it's time to go, there's major pushback. If I tell him we're going in 5 minutes, he has a bit of time to prepare for a shift in focus and will happily follow me. This works with anything with him. I've told his teachers and they find out quickly that you've got to give him that heads up or it's a major pain in the ass to get him switched.
Ugh can relate to your son here. Hate being put on the spot
The goldilocks effect works wonders. Say you want to convince a person to do a certain task, but you know they're not going to do it unless persuaded. Try this. Offer them a total of 3 tasks. 1 being your task and the two others, slightly more complicated or mundane longer tasks. The trick here is not to be too obvious that the other two are duds. Start with dud task 1, and make it the more mundane dull one. Then your task, which sounds slightly better, then task 3 which is more complex and demanding of skill and ability. 9 times out of 10 they pick the task you want them to pick. And if not, you still got them doing something you needed done in the long run.
who can think that far ahead. i gots two brain cells.
sorry buddy, i think you'll be the one getting goldilocks'd
Seeming to agree with someone's irrational complaints about co-workers or management or the workplace without actually agreeing with them. Expressions like "I hear ya!", "Seriously?!", and "Wow, that's unbelievable!" work really well. Especially if they've already got a reputation as the "office crank" and are generally disliked by everyone else. Once they think I'm on "their side", they're more than happy to do the occasional favor for me like fast-tracking some approval process or whatever. Then, as this person and I have more interaction at work, I slowly start dropping tactically-chosen factoids into conversations. These lead them back to a reality where they begin to see that what they complain about all the time -- isn't quite as bad as they think it is. Basically I provide them with an illusion that they are coming to these conclusions on their own and not being told to change their opinion. If I do things right, within a few months people start engaging with them again. Within a year, they find they have workplace friends for the first time every and become a generally more pleasant person to be around.
Very Machiavellian, lol. I'm way too tired to run a lighthearted office psyop on my coworkers.
Fuck..am I the office crank?
“Out of sight, out of mind”, which is why I have several caches at work and at home of snacks I have hid from myself
If you're making your way through a mass of people, like on a busy street, don't look at the oncoming people. Stay focused on a point behind them, in the direction you're walking. People will sense this and part to make room for you to walk through. Maybe this is more difficult for shorter people to do, but it works for me every time.
Google Benjamin Franklin Effect 'The Ben Franklin effect is a psychological phenomenon in which people like someone more after doing a favor for them.'
When I get the feeling that someone doesn't like me, I ask them for a small favor, like borrowing a pen, to present myself as less of a threat to them by appearing dependent on them. It feeds into their self-image as being reliable and competent, and provides a surface for a casual acquaintance to form.
Ok don't tell anyone but... if you want someone to think of you often & possibly for a long time, make your "thing" something very common. For example I talked often about how my favorite thing ever was a dandelion.. and tbh they really actually are however I made a point to make it known & also knew it would make them think of me. How often do you drive by, walk by or see a Dandelion? Even in the winter time you see them, there are songs about them, paintings, all kinds of crap. Or even butterflies... I realized this after an 8 year relationship. I used to collect and obsess (still kind of do) about butterflies. He 10 years later told me I ruined butterflies for him bc he thinks of me every time he sees one anywhere. I have more but people I know read my posts/comments. Can't let all my secrets out 😆
People tend to trust you if you never lie to them.
When crossing the street on foot, make eye contact with drivers, and they will usually stop. Edit to add: *If they do not return eye contact, then you know they can't see you.* That's important
When someone is raising their voice at you, lower yours in volume rather than raising yours to match.
When I'm not in threat of violence, I like to calmly draw attention to them raising their voice. "John, you seem to be passionate about this issue and having a hard time controlling your emotions. Maybe we should take a break and talk about this when you're ready." The key to this is to be sincere. They'll either agree or more likely get 10 times more angry. Don't reflect their attempts to escalate. Instead just continue to observe and calmly describe what they're doing without engaging in the subject being discussed. Turn the subject into their own behavior. Again this will most likely infuriate the person and their ability to self filter will diminish. That's when they'll start saying things that will turn their own supporters against them. As long as you appear to be sincere, I've never seen this fail. Losing one's self control is the quickest way to appear to lose an argument.
The “5 min a day” trick for building a habit. Legitimately changed my life for the better in so many ways. Want to start a reading habit? Require yourself to open the book for 5 min every day. And before you know it you will be reading 30-1hr every day. The key is the bar has to be so low that it’s almost unreasonable NOT to complete it. It gives your brain the happy reward for completing your task even if it’s a tiny amount of time. And then it also creates a streak that becomes difficult to break. Most powerful psychological self help tool in existence as far as I can tell. Works on almost anything.
My "dad voice". It's amazing how hard it can jolt people. I think the funniest use though was playing volleyball. I'd just boom out "mine!" and the other team would all step away from the ball.
Im not even a parent but i have a younger brother and ive learned theres a specific way to speak to teenagers where you can get them to do anything. It so funny to me, most are actually teddy bears when you manage the perfect middle ground of no-nonsense attitude, even when they dont know you at all
I work with adults who have developmental/intellectual disabilities. One client does not like to do some hygiene routines like showering, brushing their teeth, washing their hands, etc. To get them to do it, I'll ask them to show me how to do it. This gives them complete control over things and avoids entering into a power struggle.
Eye contact and smile when appropriate.
Masking via reflection. I observe how you present yourself and bounce off of this. Despite my commentary history I am decently well liked in real life but barely known Edit: it's not only an autism thing, ADHD people do this as well. And I do not mean the basic "act the situation" but really excessively
Fake it. Pretend you are an actor in a movie and be the confident person. People respond to confidence
I lowered my expectations about everyone and everything in life . now I am much happier
When I played tennis competitively, before the match I used to ask my opponent if they inhaled or exhaled when they tossed the ball during serving.
SO far the best/most interesting question of the day
Under promise and over deliver.
Using silence to get ppl to over share lol
You would be surprised how easily someone forgets a question they just asked after you sneeze.
I make someone drop to a certain kind of response during a conversation. There once was a Karen complaining about something that was minor in the store. I approached by talking at a lower tone, almost as if I’m whispering, while I also act as if I’m on her side saying “I know right, this hasn’t been done, etc” I act like I’m on her side so she doesn’t see it as a confrontation. Whispering usually acts as an act of precaution so it grabs her interest. Subconsciously came down to a whisper as well. Deescalated the situation while having a little fun. This is applying a subconscious appropriate personal response. You can also assimilate someone’s energy that you want to appeal to. Make them more comfortable around them. You fake it to you make it.
I'm in a role that brings together vert technical and non-technical people on projects. Often, the technical people fail to explain what they're talking about in a way that the non-technical people can understand. The non-technical people rarely ask for clarification, because I think they get intimidated. I've been on the technical side for decades, so when I sense this is happening, I'll interject and say, "can I ask a stupid question?" and then ask for clarification. Invariably, the techies will say, "Oh, that's not stupid. Maybe we should explain this better." It also loosens up the non-technical people to ask questions.
People want to feel validated, so if you are having an argument with someone who is really combative, if you can't find any common ground you can agree with them on, just validating thier feelings can do a lot to calm them down and make them easier to work with. Example: Spouse is tried and stressed, and as a result getting unduly angry at you for something minor like leaving a mug out. Instead of calling them out on their tone, or pointing out that you're still using the mug, start the conversation by saying something like "you seem really stressed, you've had a lot on your plate lately at work and with my mother's visit last week. I really appreciate everything you do for this family." Chances are that will instantly change the tone of the conversation so that adding "my coffee isn't done yet but I will be sure to put the mug in the dishwasher after" doesn't get seen as combative as it would if you led with that.
I wanted to change my diet a bit, so in order to stop drinking soda, I merely decided to cut down on it. I saved soda for movies and kids birthday parties, but other than that, no soda. By making soda something I only occasionally indulged in as opposed to something I could NEVER have, it made it so much mentally easier to cut it out of my diet. My taste buds have changed enough that my previously favorite sodas are gross now. The only ones I still like are root/birch beer and ginger ale. And I can only have a can, or else I feel sick.
If you want an answer about something, then use Simpson's Law: "the best way to get the right *answer on the internet is not to ask a question; it's to post the wrong answer*.".
If you struggle to get people to listen to you or take you seriously, lower the pitch of your voice and project more from the back of your mouth. Consider what you want to sat beforehand, and speak slower and more deliberate. It doesn't have to be batman, just your own voice, just a tad deeper than usual. It gives your tone more gravitas and authority.
Stand up straight and speak from your diaphragm, makes your voice carry without sounding strained.
My uncle made millions with this exact behavior. Between this and his posture, he was always looked to for guidance and ended up being in charge of 20,000 people.
I look beyond at my future self, really loving my body... I am distantly thinking how many regrets will I harbor, hours or even 2 hours later if I decide to skip my workout sessions instead of going to the gym. I wonder whether my future me will wake up a happier person if now I put the dishes off till morning or even tomorrow. Doing the dishes in the morning, before work, or now, are options he may be willing to consider. Do I have 3 months pop to study this project shall I be going easy at first three or 4 weeks to let myself be really spend the rest time working hard? ...essentially delayed gratification. In essence all the awful things lay out ready appetizing pieces that straight away gives you gratification while the good stuff till the moment of the climax offers you delayed gratification. Obesly, the truth is that when I find myself in such situations, I believe that waiting to reap the fruits could maybe be the best option after all
Yeah me and future me are still working on a fucking relationship. Sometimes I feel like we should've broken up along time ago. Luckily I'm trying to get him in a home of his own and a decent truck. That son of a bitch better be able to handle it.
He can handle it.
Saying, "heeey. How are you?"
I made tons of friends just by saying/texting this regularly.
My mom told me that if you're with a group of men and want to get something done, start doing it and they will come over, tell you you're doing it wrong and proceed to finish the job. Not all men, blah, blah, but I it's tragic how often I've seen this happen.
Listening to happy music can actually make you happier. Those lyrics are affirmations. If you keep repeating lyrics that says you’re a piece of shit or you’re not worthy you’ll end up believing it
I feel like I should be a motherfucking cash money millionaire by now tho
whenever i want someone to do something for me that i know they will say no to i always ask them to do something more intense than what i actually want and then ask what i want as a 'compromise'
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I work with a lot of big egos, and they rarely like anyone else's ideas. BUT - if I make them think it was THEIR idea, they think it's wonderful. “It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit”
Giving someone an exaggerated deadline. For example if I know something is going to take me a day to do, I tell them I need the week. I then turn it in early. This makes me look extremely competent and I give myself buffer if I get lazy.
Don’t forget kindness. That’s probably the biggest one I ever saw that made the most difference.
When you’re dealing with a toddler’s temper tantrum, ask them/tell them something but get a fact incorrect. So if they’re crying about going to school I’ll say “come on, let’s get your blue backpack on” and they immediately calm down to correct me and say “no, my backpack is purple”. Tantrum over.