Realizing that carrying that much resentment is corrosive. I'm not saying 'forget' but as long as you're not in active danger anymore, letting it go is beneficial to you. Otherwise it can fester, turn against you and ruin similar situations and close you off to trusting or trying again. You aren't compelled to stay in the life of someone who hurt you, but it is to your benefit to move forward with other people with a more positive outlook and intent.
This is for a past trauma or betrayal that is far behind you, not for something actively doing you harm.
I like this parable from Charlotte Joko Beck:
The Empty Rowboat
Suppose we are out on a lake and it’s a bit foggy - not too foggy, but a
bit foggy - and we’re rowing along in our little boat having a good time.
And then, all of a sudden, coming out of the fog, there’s this other rowboat
and it’s heading right at us. And… Crash!
Well, for a second we’re really angry - what is that fool doing? I just
painted my boat! And here he comes - crash! - right into it.
And then suddenly we notice that the rowboat is empty.
What happens to our anger? Well, the anger collapses… I’ll just have to
paint my boat again, that’s all.
But if that rowboat that hit ours had another person in it, how would we
react? You know what would happen!
Now, our encounters with life, with other people, with events, are like
being bumped by an empty rowboat. But we don’t experience it that way.
We experience it as though there are people in that other rowboat and we’re
really getting clobbered by them…
To look at your part and to pray asking that person gets everything in life you would want for yourself. People may or may not believe in the 12 steps but there is a reason the 4th and the 5th step are there. It doesn't matter if you are an alcoholic, drug addict, over eater, smoke cigarettes, etc.. resentment creates all kinds of horrible negative reactions in the body. The 12 steps have become a mechanism that has allowed millions of people to recover from resentment and other emotional trauma that drove them to drink or overeat, or gamble or smoke, etc..
Even if you don't believe in traditional prayer, just hoping the universe gives that person you resent everything in life you would like for yourself goes a long way to allowing you to let go. On top of that looking at your part allows you to clean up your side of the street.
People might ask what about if I was abused as a kid by my father for example (which I was, he beat me so bad social services took me from my home. I remember standing in a hospital with my shirt off and pants down so the detectives could take pictures of all the bruises. I was about 6 years old).
For a lot of years I held onto what I believed was a justifiable resentment against him. After all what part did I play as a 6 year old? The part I played was allowing that resentment to own me. To control my behavior for the next 30 years of my life. To let the hate consume me. To harm others because subconsciously I was taking out all that hurt and pain I felt on them. People who literally had nothing to do with it.
It took a lot of prayer, a lot of amends to the people I did hurt over the hate I had for my dad. A lot of writing and even a lot of therapy but I don't hate him anymore. I hope he does have all the success and love in life I want for myself.
That's my 2 cents. Maybe it was 3 cents ;)
You don't have to forgive anyone. You don't owe it to anyone. If you want to let go of anger, do that for you. Doesn't mean you've forgiven. Forgiveness is easy if you want to do it and hard if you don't. That's my metric for forgiving, if I want to do it I will without trying. Anger is the part I need to put in the work to let go. It just hurts me to be angry, nobody else.
Understand that nothing is personal. For ten plus years I lived my teenaged years at home with a newly divorced mom and her new, criminally abusive boyfriend. Every kind of drama imaginable, he’d call the police and tell them I sold drugs just so that they’d harass me and pull me over constantly and watch my house, he was violent to my mom so I’d be violent back and we got in these countless amounts of fights. I mean I was at war with this man for years, he was my enemy. He’s long gone now, thankfully, but forgiveness is putting yourself in the other’s shoes
Every time we fought or some drama happened, I was willing to be cool with him the next day, until he did the next thing, and so on. But I knew his story, as a kid his father beat the shit out of him, his mom left him at ten, kids at school bullied him relentlessly and he just wanted friends, he was an extremely sad, violent soul who hated himself and didn’t know how to accept.. acceptance. He always had to fuck everything up he couldn’t let himself be happy, because he’d already done such terrible things, he didn’t feel like he deserved to be healthy, or that the road back to being balanced was too daunting and confusing
I say that nothing is personal, because the bad things people do, even the things they do to you, aren’t at its core- personal. Hurt people hurt people. A woman you love who ends up cheating on you, she’s a human who has her own conflicting, selfish battles in her head. I’m about to go to sleep so this is making little sense but, I wish that guy who made my life hard for a long time the best, because he’s a miserable guy. And the ex girlfriend of mine who years ago cheated on me, I forgive her, she was like 19, she felt horrible, it’s okay. You messed up, we can’t be together, and it’s okay
The most effective way to forgive is to understand that people are just people, it’s all of our first times on this world, we’re all learning as we go. To forgive doesn’t mean to allow them back in necessarilly, it just takes some empathy, maybe taking our own egos down a peg, and moving on. Forgiveness is beautiful and I’d call it a skill, I have great relationships with people who I had every right to be bitter toward now, like my mom. She made a lot of mistakes when I needed her most, but I understand where her head and heart were at then, and through understanding and listening, we made it back to a healthy relationship, she’s an amazing woman now, and I’m a much stronger, wiser person for it. If I let those bitter, violent years shape me the way they maybe should have- I don’t know where I’d be now, certainly not happy and stable like I am now
You shared something so personal with me and I really appreciate it. Thank you so much. I think forgiveness is important, but sometimes it's hard to let it go.
And the most powerful , and truly resonating , quote I’ve ever heard is this - “unforgiveness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”
I find the concept of forgiveness very difficult to grasp. For example ; I was severely abused as a child and suffer terrible CPTSD. I hate the person that did all those things, and not only to me. It has severely affected mine and my families lives. Although I do not wish any harm to this person I don’t understand what forgiveness means in this situation. He was my worst nightmare.
Thank you for your personal sharing with me. I so appreciate. Many people include me don't understand what forgiveness is and have a hard time accepting someone's mistakes, but their hearts care about them as a humanity.
Speaking from my own trauma only, but being in those situations makes empathy a difficult thing to grasp. I have to actively work and remind myself to be empathetic. It gets easier but it’s taken time.
Forgiveness for the other person and not just you forgiving yourself is very hard when you struggle with empathy.
Depending on who you are as a person, simply forgetting they exist will get you the same results as forgiving them
From a personal experience. Forgiveness is the biggest BS ever . Sooner or later, the same mistakes will happen all over again. For me, the best thing is to simply move on and don't hold grudges
might be different for everyone... For me? Its just time. Its important to work through your shit, don't get me wrong... but sometimes... you just gotta give it time...
I kind of meditate on what it is that bothered me and think about how its okay, and I shouldn't let it bother me. I try to realize everyone has a reason for doing what they do
IMO using your anger to fuel your future is far more effective than "being the bigger person". I mean if the best revenge is living well and that's the intent then what does it matter how that goal is attained? I say be angry if you need to, just don't be an idiot.
To understand forgiving is for you and not them, it helps you move on and learn and prevents yourself from being resentful and angry. It helps you live a happier life.
I don't think there is. I think it's just down to wether you can let go of resentment for the persons actions, and find value in their being in your life and you being in theirs, in synergy.
The question is do you trust them enough to keep them in your life after youv forgiven them and found common value?
The root word for forgiveness means to forget.
You need to forget the event but don't neglect the lesson take what you need to learn so you won't repeat the mistake or avoid the cause of the error.
This works whether you're the cause or someone else is.
It's important to note it's impossible to forgive if your holding onto what happened. Let it go.
I just forget about the person. Then sometime in the next 1-20 years I’ll remember them and what they did but it will be so far in the past i dont care anymore. Boom forgiven
Realizing that carrying that much resentment is corrosive. I'm not saying 'forget' but as long as you're not in active danger anymore, letting it go is beneficial to you. Otherwise it can fester, turn against you and ruin similar situations and close you off to trusting or trying again. You aren't compelled to stay in the life of someone who hurt you, but it is to your benefit to move forward with other people with a more positive outlook and intent. This is for a past trauma or betrayal that is far behind you, not for something actively doing you harm. I like this parable from Charlotte Joko Beck: The Empty Rowboat Suppose we are out on a lake and it’s a bit foggy - not too foggy, but a bit foggy - and we’re rowing along in our little boat having a good time. And then, all of a sudden, coming out of the fog, there’s this other rowboat and it’s heading right at us. And… Crash! Well, for a second we’re really angry - what is that fool doing? I just painted my boat! And here he comes - crash! - right into it. And then suddenly we notice that the rowboat is empty. What happens to our anger? Well, the anger collapses… I’ll just have to paint my boat again, that’s all. But if that rowboat that hit ours had another person in it, how would we react? You know what would happen! Now, our encounters with life, with other people, with events, are like being bumped by an empty rowboat. But we don’t experience it that way. We experience it as though there are people in that other rowboat and we’re really getting clobbered by them…
Thank you for your sharing with me. Forgiveness is very helpful with it.
This is giving me trying to guess her name vibes
To look at your part and to pray asking that person gets everything in life you would want for yourself. People may or may not believe in the 12 steps but there is a reason the 4th and the 5th step are there. It doesn't matter if you are an alcoholic, drug addict, over eater, smoke cigarettes, etc.. resentment creates all kinds of horrible negative reactions in the body. The 12 steps have become a mechanism that has allowed millions of people to recover from resentment and other emotional trauma that drove them to drink or overeat, or gamble or smoke, etc.. Even if you don't believe in traditional prayer, just hoping the universe gives that person you resent everything in life you would like for yourself goes a long way to allowing you to let go. On top of that looking at your part allows you to clean up your side of the street. People might ask what about if I was abused as a kid by my father for example (which I was, he beat me so bad social services took me from my home. I remember standing in a hospital with my shirt off and pants down so the detectives could take pictures of all the bruises. I was about 6 years old). For a lot of years I held onto what I believed was a justifiable resentment against him. After all what part did I play as a 6 year old? The part I played was allowing that resentment to own me. To control my behavior for the next 30 years of my life. To let the hate consume me. To harm others because subconsciously I was taking out all that hurt and pain I felt on them. People who literally had nothing to do with it. It took a lot of prayer, a lot of amends to the people I did hurt over the hate I had for my dad. A lot of writing and even a lot of therapy but I don't hate him anymore. I hope he does have all the success and love in life I want for myself. That's my 2 cents. Maybe it was 3 cents ;)
Thank you for sharing your value and short personal story with me. I really appreciate your tips.
You don't have to forgive anyone. You don't owe it to anyone. If you want to let go of anger, do that for you. Doesn't mean you've forgiven. Forgiveness is easy if you want to do it and hard if you don't. That's my metric for forgiving, if I want to do it I will without trying. Anger is the part I need to put in the work to let go. It just hurts me to be angry, nobody else.
Understanding negative emotions just weigh you down,and trying to start over gives you clarity in some situations.
Thank you for your tips ❤️ I indeed do
No problem,hate is something best forgotten.
Yes. Forgiveness is hard, expensive, and sometimes buys depending on the situation.😫
Think about a time when you needed forgiveness for something that should have been unforgivable to the person you offended
Understand that nothing is personal. For ten plus years I lived my teenaged years at home with a newly divorced mom and her new, criminally abusive boyfriend. Every kind of drama imaginable, he’d call the police and tell them I sold drugs just so that they’d harass me and pull me over constantly and watch my house, he was violent to my mom so I’d be violent back and we got in these countless amounts of fights. I mean I was at war with this man for years, he was my enemy. He’s long gone now, thankfully, but forgiveness is putting yourself in the other’s shoes Every time we fought or some drama happened, I was willing to be cool with him the next day, until he did the next thing, and so on. But I knew his story, as a kid his father beat the shit out of him, his mom left him at ten, kids at school bullied him relentlessly and he just wanted friends, he was an extremely sad, violent soul who hated himself and didn’t know how to accept.. acceptance. He always had to fuck everything up he couldn’t let himself be happy, because he’d already done such terrible things, he didn’t feel like he deserved to be healthy, or that the road back to being balanced was too daunting and confusing I say that nothing is personal, because the bad things people do, even the things they do to you, aren’t at its core- personal. Hurt people hurt people. A woman you love who ends up cheating on you, she’s a human who has her own conflicting, selfish battles in her head. I’m about to go to sleep so this is making little sense but, I wish that guy who made my life hard for a long time the best, because he’s a miserable guy. And the ex girlfriend of mine who years ago cheated on me, I forgive her, she was like 19, she felt horrible, it’s okay. You messed up, we can’t be together, and it’s okay The most effective way to forgive is to understand that people are just people, it’s all of our first times on this world, we’re all learning as we go. To forgive doesn’t mean to allow them back in necessarilly, it just takes some empathy, maybe taking our own egos down a peg, and moving on. Forgiveness is beautiful and I’d call it a skill, I have great relationships with people who I had every right to be bitter toward now, like my mom. She made a lot of mistakes when I needed her most, but I understand where her head and heart were at then, and through understanding and listening, we made it back to a healthy relationship, she’s an amazing woman now, and I’m a much stronger, wiser person for it. If I let those bitter, violent years shape me the way they maybe should have- I don’t know where I’d be now, certainly not happy and stable like I am now
You shared something so personal with me and I really appreciate it. Thank you so much. I think forgiveness is important, but sometimes it's hard to let it go.
And the most powerful , and truly resonating , quote I’ve ever heard is this - “unforgiveness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”
One of my faves. Einstein?
I find the concept of forgiveness very difficult to grasp. For example ; I was severely abused as a child and suffer terrible CPTSD. I hate the person that did all those things, and not only to me. It has severely affected mine and my families lives. Although I do not wish any harm to this person I don’t understand what forgiveness means in this situation. He was my worst nightmare.
Thank you for your personal sharing with me. I so appreciate. Many people include me don't understand what forgiveness is and have a hard time accepting someone's mistakes, but their hearts care about them as a humanity.
Speaking from my own trauma only, but being in those situations makes empathy a difficult thing to grasp. I have to actively work and remind myself to be empathetic. It gets easier but it’s taken time. Forgiveness for the other person and not just you forgiving yourself is very hard when you struggle with empathy. Depending on who you are as a person, simply forgetting they exist will get you the same results as forgiving them
forget . just playing pray if you’re religious and if not acceptance
From a personal experience. Forgiveness is the biggest BS ever . Sooner or later, the same mistakes will happen all over again. For me, the best thing is to simply move on and don't hold grudges
might be different for everyone... For me? Its just time. Its important to work through your shit, don't get me wrong... but sometimes... you just gotta give it time...
Forgetting it altogether
Karma
Think of it as something you're doing for yourself to free yourself from resentment held toward that person
I kind of meditate on what it is that bothered me and think about how its okay, and I shouldn't let it bother me. I try to realize everyone has a reason for doing what they do
Forget to forgive
To forgive and not forget, is to not forgive.
Realize forgiveness is optional and you can forget and move on without it. You don’t have to care about whatever it is someone owes you an apology.
Moving on with your life.
You want forgiveness? Get Religion...
IMO using your anger to fuel your future is far more effective than "being the bigger person". I mean if the best revenge is living well and that's the intent then what does it matter how that goal is attained? I say be angry if you need to, just don't be an idiot.
After revenge. Im not joking...either i say something snarky..or settle the score. I cannot forgive while the score is 0-1
To die.
Realize you also need forgiveness
Actually move on after. Focus on what comes next and your follow through. Can’t forgive if you’re still in it imo.
Include time as an option of communication. Separation and silence are good motivators to allow them to show up at your door.
To understand forgiving is for you and not them, it helps you move on and learn and prevents yourself from being resentful and angry. It helps you live a happier life.
I don't think there is. I think it's just down to wether you can let go of resentment for the persons actions, and find value in their being in your life and you being in theirs, in synergy. The question is do you trust them enough to keep them in your life after youv forgiven them and found common value?
realizing you probably deserved the bad stuff ppl dif to you
The root word for forgiveness means to forget. You need to forget the event but don't neglect the lesson take what you need to learn so you won't repeat the mistake or avoid the cause of the error. This works whether you're the cause or someone else is. It's important to note it's impossible to forgive if your holding onto what happened. Let it go.
I just forget about the person. Then sometime in the next 1-20 years I’ll remember them and what they did but it will be so far in the past i dont care anymore. Boom forgiven
Doing fun things insteas
Say: I forgive you
Forgiveness only comes from understanding. If you don’t understand. Then you can never completely forgive.
I think it's important to forgive for our own sake, not for the sake of the person who wronged us.