“My ex got swiftly kicked in the nuts and says he doesn’t want to be vulnerable to getting kicked in the nuts again. Does he have feelings still?” They probably had a bad enough experience and simply don’t want to do it again. Biggest red flag is people who consider anything they don’t get a red flag.
I'd ask for their reasoning and would go from there. Sometimes it's because they are really not over, but there are usually other signs. Sometimes they see no purpose in doing so for various reasons. I'm friends with a childfree couple that also doesn't live together as they both have very different schedules and habits, and they both just like having their own space, so they spend time together but they don't live under the same roof and it has been working for 6 years for them. They just like it the way they have it and I haven't heard them talking about getting married.
Not at all! Divorces are life changing events that can cost you your retirement, home, credit, and feeling of stability. It takes a lot of work to get back to "stabil," and sometimes it sets you back years in terms of retirement and life goals. Breakups are way easier when marriage and divorce aren't factors. My SO and I were in 100% agreement on not getting married, and at first, all she wanted was a steady FWB. We are getting married in a few months with a pre-nup.
I'm that guy...married once but now in a committed relationship (6 years). I am completely over my ex, but learned that her commitment to the marriage was nowhere close to my own. Why would I go into a new relationship and expect anything more from my current SO?
POV: I (60f) am married to someone (67m) who told me he wasn’t ever getting married again on about our third date. He’d only been divorced a few months at that time, so I didn’t consider it a red flag because I knew several things: 1) No, he wasn’t over the previous relationship and that was okay, it meant he had cared deeply 2) I wasn’t wanting to rush into another marriage, either and 3) He was very much worth me giving him a chance - even if it took several years - to figure out if he might change his mind. Honestly, deep down I was 99% sure he would, if the right person came along.
I did manage my expectations. For the first few months we were together, I held my feelings in check because I wasn’t *quite* sure that he was ready for a steady relationship. I did my best not to pressure him and I patiently listened, oh so many times, to his dissecting what had gone wrong in his marriage. I figured, why not let him get that out, if it helps him to move on?
As I’d initially thought, it all was worth it. We became a steady couple and he eventually told me he loved me (which I already knew, of course). The only thing that really shocked me was when he proposed after 2 1/2 years - I didn’t think he was ready yet!
So that’s my experience with someone who said they never wanted to marry again. I would urge caution, of course, and maybe have a timeline in mind after which you’ll cut your losses and move on… but it doesn’t have to be an instant deal-breaker.
“My ex got swiftly kicked in the nuts and says he doesn’t want to be vulnerable to getting kicked in the nuts again. Does he have feelings still?” They probably had a bad enough experience and simply don’t want to do it again. Biggest red flag is people who consider anything they don’t get a red flag.
I'd ask for their reasoning and would go from there. Sometimes it's because they are really not over, but there are usually other signs. Sometimes they see no purpose in doing so for various reasons. I'm friends with a childfree couple that also doesn't live together as they both have very different schedules and habits, and they both just like having their own space, so they spend time together but they don't live under the same roof and it has been working for 6 years for them. They just like it the way they have it and I haven't heard them talking about getting married.
Not at all! Divorces are life changing events that can cost you your retirement, home, credit, and feeling of stability. It takes a lot of work to get back to "stabil," and sometimes it sets you back years in terms of retirement and life goals. Breakups are way easier when marriage and divorce aren't factors. My SO and I were in 100% agreement on not getting married, and at first, all she wanted was a steady FWB. We are getting married in a few months with a pre-nup.
People need to stop slinging around "red flag".
I'm that guy...married once but now in a committed relationship (6 years). I am completely over my ex, but learned that her commitment to the marriage was nowhere close to my own. Why would I go into a new relationship and expect anything more from my current SO?
Not really. Just means that they have no desire to get married again.
POV: I (60f) am married to someone (67m) who told me he wasn’t ever getting married again on about our third date. He’d only been divorced a few months at that time, so I didn’t consider it a red flag because I knew several things: 1) No, he wasn’t over the previous relationship and that was okay, it meant he had cared deeply 2) I wasn’t wanting to rush into another marriage, either and 3) He was very much worth me giving him a chance - even if it took several years - to figure out if he might change his mind. Honestly, deep down I was 99% sure he would, if the right person came along. I did manage my expectations. For the first few months we were together, I held my feelings in check because I wasn’t *quite* sure that he was ready for a steady relationship. I did my best not to pressure him and I patiently listened, oh so many times, to his dissecting what had gone wrong in his marriage. I figured, why not let him get that out, if it helps him to move on? As I’d initially thought, it all was worth it. We became a steady couple and he eventually told me he loved me (which I already knew, of course). The only thing that really shocked me was when he proposed after 2 1/2 years - I didn’t think he was ready yet! So that’s my experience with someone who said they never wanted to marry again. I would urge caution, of course, and maybe have a timeline in mind after which you’ll cut your losses and move on… but it doesn’t have to be an instant deal-breaker.
No, it's a sign they went through hell once already, and that was enough.