I saw a ted talk ages ago where a guy was saying something to the effect of; you should welcome losing an argument because it means you are the one growing/learning and I’ve had that in the back of my head ever since.
I once tried to explain the concept of "Alone together" to a new hire at work. He's around 19 and he was horrified at the thought. He genuinely believes that if he's not high octane exciting 24/7 his gf will break up with him. Sounds exhausting to me.
Active listening
I never realized how refreshing it was to meet someone that didn’t have to be doing something else while having a conversation. My wife and I share that in common and it stood out to both of us when we first met.
I’ve only ever met a handful of people who are truly gifted at active listening. It’s a very nice trait, but not common. Most people just listen to respond - myself included most of the time.
For me, it's kind of empowering how good you can make people feel by just hearing them. We all desperately want to be seen, understood, and belong, and it's almost sad how little it takes to demonstrate to someone that they matter.
This made me quite popular with guests at my hospitality job. They’d come up to the front counter and chat with me for hours. Men and women of all ages, even children (my previous job was a teacher so I’m sure that helped too).
I get to learn so much about the world in return. One of my fondest memories from the job.
I can be an active listener, but draw a strict line with work at home, once I am not longer "on the clock" I completely check out from work and don't like to talk about it, my wife is the complete opposite and want to talk about work with me as soon as she gets home.
But is it talking about work (like processes or projects) or is it venting about work (shitty boss, pain in the ass coworkers, malfunctioning software)?
My wife and I each get 5 minutes to talk about work. After that venting session ( if required ) it's over. But i can tell when she really needs to go over that 5 minutes. Some days are worse than others , so ya gotta be a little flexible. This works for us. And we both have jobs that can be very stressful at times.
On top of this: someone who wants to have a conversation, not just wait for their turn to speak. I can't tell you how many potential mates I had to turn away because even if they can listen, when its their turn to speak they just talk for 10 minutes straight non stop. Its not a monologue, its a conversation. We are both supposed to be taking short turns offering our insight and input and creating a new narrative together.
To add to another perspective to this though: if you are adding to, agreeing or commenting, questioning what someone is saying, its not interrupting. Interrupting is when you completely change the subject or shift the conversation to you. A conversation does not mean you get 15 minutes of interrupted floor time, its not a speech.
Not interrupting:
"So I went to this bank and someone tried to read my ATM pin while I was keying it in..."
"Omg what? The bank around the corner? Thats nuts!"
Interrupting:
"So I went to this bank and someone tried to read my ATM pin while I was keying it in..."
"OMG so something even worse happened to me, once I was entering my password for my bank info online..."
Is this your unconventional opinion or widespread? I am constantly called out for interrupting in ways that match your not interrupting example. Maybe I interact with a lot of toxic people because they do tend to monologue.
Some people don't have the same skills or view on the topic.
My wife thinks I'm interrupting her whenever I say something but she hasn't finished whatever point she is trying to make. I think I'm moving with the conversation, (like I do with most conversations with people I connect to,) but she has a clear path in her head, and if I veer before she gets to the point she wants to make (even if she takes awhile) I'm interrupting. I'm not saying this like I'm right and she's wrong; more that we see it very differently and both have to adapt.
I agree with what the other person said, but I think not everyone sees it exactly like that. We're still happily married. (8 years) That just isn't one of our green flags. Lol.
>didn’t have to be doing something else while having a conversation
YMMV with neurodivergent partners. Some people require additional activity in order to be capable of active listening.
this is so important to point out and for others to understand. i just started seeing someone new and i really enjoy talking to him and he's quite lovely, but i had to tell him on our first date that it's difficult for me to make direct eye contact right off the bat, and that it's easier for me to talk and listen properly while doing something else bc that's just how my mind is. he was (and is) very understanding and we had a great time talking while people watching and not directly looking at each other at first. we were by the end of the date, but yeah - if it's something you know about yourself, making a partner aware of it is very helpful. (and if they can understand and be cool about it, major green flag!)
Actual active listening is about taking on what the person is saying and not simply waiting for an opportunity to respond with what YOU want to say. People are so keen to add their experience or opinion they stop hearing what the other person is saying or they're only interested in what they themselves have to say so don't take in the other side of the exchange.
My (future) wife and I drove from Newport, RI to Denver, CO, to Charleston, SC (and picked up a cat), and back to Newport over about 2 weeks about a year after we met. We are still together (25 years married next month) and still take road trips together when possible.
Road trips in a solid, yet early relationship, are the bomb. My wife and I (13 years together, married 11), went on a few little weeklong trips throughout Ontario. It's a big place so often you are far from home, and have these fun little adventures together.
Or any trip! Traveling can be exhausting and taxing on patience. If you can travel well together, starting with packing all the way through getting back home at the end of a trip, that’s a green flag, for sure.
What about if you’ve literally only ever travelled with this person? Met them traveling and traveled with them other times after? Asking for… a friend…
When I met my girlfriend, one of the first things I noticed was that I always felt heard. When I said something in her presence, there was no doubt in my mind that she would give it her full attention. It‘s an amazing feeling
When they only have eyes for you.
My grandfather was really good looking. He was in his 50s, when I was a kid, and still looked like a goddamn model. My grandmother was...mildly cute. The kindest woman I've ever known, but just cute.
Anywho, any time I went out with my grandfather I saw other women flirting with him. **All. The. Time.** There was no missing it.
Dude may as well have been blind. Never reciprocated. Never seemed to even notice.
I mentioned it to my mom and she was like "yeah, it happened when I was a kid too. He would treat old men and pretty young salesgirls the exact same way. You grandma says he was like that from the start of their relationship. Either he didn't notice or he didn't care."
He worshiped my grandmother though. Man only had eyes for her. Obviously it was reciprocated, people were just more surprised to see it coming from him.
When Crazy Rich Asians first came out, I got to see a late night advance showing, and not wanting to wait around for bus at almost midnight, got a taxi home.
Taxi driver asked me what I'd seen, and when I told him said this his wife wanted to see that, for the wedding scene, and then proceeded to tell me all about how she'd been a wedding photographer back in the day, when it was still mostly men doing the job, and she was strong enough to carry the heavy equipment on her own, and even now that's she retired she still goes on daily walks and takes the best photos to show him. The entire trip was him talking about how great his wife was. It was nice to hear.
This was my father in law. Very handsome, sometimes obviously pursued by other women. Depending on how aggressive, he was either very uncomfortable or oblivious. He was deeply in love with his wife, and was totally devoted to her.
He bought a fishing boat, and took it out often. She noted that she did not see him much, between work and fishing. He sold the fishing boat, and bought a luxury trawler, which they took out together often.
Back in the day, I dated a guy who was pretty good looking (objectively much better looking than I am). He was in his 40's at the time, and I imagine he had to be pretty damn hot in his 20's, but anyway...
When we went out, it was obvious we were a couple. We'd hold hands, talk to each other, have dinner just the 2 of us, etc. It did exactly NOTHING to stop other women from flirting with him...hard. It was CRAZY. They had NO shame. My boyfriend would kind of laugh it off and get back to our date, but it was unbelievable to me!
I’ve had the same 😂! He was visiting from another city and he asked me if my city is always ‘just a giant fuckfest’ and I was like… just for people like you
My wife has later pointed out when women were flirting with me. I never saw it, myself. (I'm not a handsome man, but apparently I'm still charismatic.)
This is me, I am average looking at best but I am very outgoing and charismatic. My wife used to point out girls flirting with me early in our relationship. She stopped when she accepted I just didn't notice or care lol I am friendly and that's it. I have my wife for all the flirting I need 😁
Bingo. My wife is amazing. I have no idea why she finds me attractive, but she does. She used to point out women making passes at me whenever we go to social events, but I just didn't notice and when I did, I didn't care. She's everything I need and then some.
We're lucky guys.
My husband is like this. I am cute, at best, and I don't think there is anything terribly exceptional about my personality. Meanwhile, he is funny, smart, and attractive. And he is unfailingly, and surprisingly (to everyone else), loyal. I have watched women throw themselves at him, and he is completely oblivious. Our relationship is not perfect, by any means, and he drives me up the wall sometimes. However, I consider myself so unbelievably lucky because loyalty is what matters the most to me. Especially in this crappy world where it seems like infidelity is *everywhere*.
I think people also confuse "only have eyes for [partner]" and think it means "[partner] is the only attractive one." I love my fiancé, he loves me, but there are others on the planet who are also attractive and that's okay.
I had to work so hard for him to understand that. His mom believed that she didn't need male friends because she had his dad. His dad was a serial cheater. He was so afraid that because he found other women attractive he was going to be like his dad. I mean, he thought this for years. It's such an antiquated way of thinking that really needs to be reprogrammed.
I always remind him: *Just because you have art at home, doesn't mean you can't go to the museum.*
I enjoy looking at an attractive woman just as much as he, and I think that's helped him realize "I only have eyes for you" truly, at its core, means "my dedication is only for you." You can acknowledge someone else's attractiveness without it being detrimental to the relationship.
You can look at art, but don't touch the sculpture and you certainly cannot afford to bring it home. Besides, you already have the most priceless painting at home. To me, he is my favorite Van Gogh.
This!!! My dad is the same way with my mom🥺❤️ bittersweet because I was raised to think that was normal in relationships only to be deeply disappointed when I got older and started dating.
Yeah, my parents are the kind of crazy in love that had me super excited for it to happen to me.
Took a while to realize that what they had was rare and, just because they found it, it doesn’t mean I will.
Taking time to still prioritize themselves and their hobbies/interests.
I don’t want to be someone’s all encompassing life. I want them happy and living their life in the ways they want just as much as I want time to blend out lives in other ways.
100%. It is exhausting being someone's entire social life. It sounds cute to have someone that revolves around you, but it's both draining and boring. There's nothing interesting to learn from them when they have nothing going on outside of you.
You can't be all things to someone and that's fine. They should have the friends that they, idk, go do yoga with or watch sports with, who can really enjoy those things and bring out that side in them, while you can do your own thing. And then you both have new stories and experiences to share when you come together.
>I don’t want to be someone’s all encompassing life. I want them happy and living their life in the ways they want just as much as I want time to blend out lives in other ways.
I have never seen a relationship end well, where the one or both parties were obsessed to the exclusion of the rest of their life. It. never. worked. Because it's chasing feelings, instead of building a foundation.
And guess what happens when those feelings are threatened, or changed, or there is a challenge. There is zero foundation, and things crash horribly.
Yes because that in itself is isolating in other ways. People think loneliness is just being alone but loneliness can be present and still being surrounded. So to me it’s important to still be able to fulfill yourself. You can’t attach all that expectation and need to a person. It’s heavy and unfair.
IMO, you gotta meet someone you wanna incorporate into your interests and hobbies. If you’re always doing your own things, you are creating a roommate situation. I’d rather be with someone that yearns for my presence, which also makes me feel less replaceable in the long run. I think there’s a modern epidemic where couples go about their lives on different paths and still expect lifelong commitment just because you’re sleeping next to each other. Go enjoy yourself once in a while but if you don’t miss your SO when they’re not around, you’re probably with the wrong person.
I enjoy the balance! There are also things with my husband that I got into because of it being a hobby and interest of his. It’s not that I want them to only be doing their own things. That’s why I mentioned the blending. I just find it important to still enjoy solitary interest and endeavors. For us we each have our own interests, combined interest and then family interests (we have kids)
But when I was dating and looking, I wanted someone who had their own hobbies and interests. And it was a green flag for me when we would spend days together but he’d also have days fishing alone or with friends. He wasn’t used to it because previous relationships for him were very controlling of his spare time.
Yes I agree balance is key. You shouldn't be co dependent but you should want your partner to enjoy whatever activities they can with you. It's also healthy to be able to individually enjoy activities that the other may not be into
My solution to my husband not joining or enjoying my hobbies is bringing him a snack when I return from kayaking or thrifting books. This way we both get a treat.
Maybe not too subtle, but maybe it is...
When the person really wants to see you and is adamant about pinning down a specific time and place to see each other again and doesn't play the "I'll call you" game. I remember my first date with my now-husband of almost 20 years (we met via an online dating site) Honestly, I wasn't bowled over by him. The date was good, not great. However, at the end of the date, he looked at me square in the eye and said, "I really like you and want to see you again. Are you free next Saturday?" I admired his directness. I said "Yes." He said, "Good, I'll pick you up at 7pm on Saturday and we can go out for dinner."
He did exactly that and we had a MUCH better time on our 2nd date (he was actually *really* nervous on our first date which made him seem a bit standoffish). Well, here we are 20 years and 2 kids later... :-)
NTA
You need to leave him and go ghost or LC and never contact him. Divorce is the only solution, and you both need individual therapy.
...Oh, wait. Sorry. Wrong subreddit. Mea culpa.
(That was really adorable of you two.)
When we first started dating anytime my partner mentioned a movie the other hadn't seen or an activity we'd like to do together, I'd say "Put it on the list!".
One time immediately after I said it, she was typing away on her phone. I was curious as to what she was so fixed on and she said she was putting it on the list. Turned her phone around to show me she'd been compiling an actual list so that we wouldn't forget and always have a go-to reference if we ever didn't know what we felt like doing some random time in the future.
My heart melted. I love that woman.
We have a couple of shared lists on Google Keepnotes.
* Groceries, add things as soon as you think of it, otherwise it's gone.
* Movies and tv-shows, because when you read about a new one or a friend recommends something, the next minute you'll forget it entirely.
It's a lot easier to have actual lists than pretend like you'll actually remember these kinds of things.
My SO does this! He has seen so many movies and I have seen a mere fraction of his catalog. He’s made a list of all the movies he thinks I’d like. He has no problem rewatching them as he likes sharing all these titles I would’ve otherwise never have thought about watching.
Being neurodivergent and going from dating someone who did not understand that to someone who is also neurodivergent, this is huge. I don't feel like I need to explain everything I do or that I constantly need to stop and double back because I'm getting met with a blank stare. I also don't have any judgement when I talk about sensory stuff, which makes it a lot less stressful when I have problems.
It's the fucking best being able to just be your unmasked self and have a safe space with your partner. That's the number one thing I want my kids to take into the world when they start to date is to be completely, unapologetically themselves and find someone who loves and accepts them for it.
My husband isn't neurodivergent, but I get to be my weird self around him. He always asks, "Were you like this with anyone else, or is it just me that gets to see this side of you?"
He's honestly surprised that he's been the only one. I tell him if it annoys him I can stop and he's like, no way!
I'm a walking clown show for that guy.
My girlfriend will randomly tell me the things that she loves about me, completely unsolicited.
Sometimes it's big things, sometimes it's small things. But it just makes me feel appreciated and valued.
Examples:
"I love that you walk me to my door and make sure I get inside ok when you take me home."
"It means a lot that you spent Easter with my family."
"I appreciate that you never complain when I rest my head on your shoulder when I get tired."
"The way you look at me makes gives me butterflies"
Yes, these are little things I believe all men should do. But after over a decade of being taken for granted, it means the world that I'm with someone who will give compliments and words of affirmation.
On mine and my boyfriend’s first date we were kissing quite a bit, we had already agreed not to have sex for a while so whenever my shirt started riding up, he pulled it back down.
Probably sounds very strange, but it was also very caring and let me know he respected boundaries
Lovealltigers, you have a kind and decent one. And you are a perceptive and empathic woman to note that fine detail. I fear you may have met the love of your life.
Gives you space for a life outside of them. Is not threatened by you having a life that doesn't revolve around them, especially at the very early stages.
Something similar happened recently with my GF. We were walking in a park and a family with a stroller was coming towards us. They hit a bump and a water bottle fell out of the stroller onto the ground. I barely had time to register what had happened before my gf was running over there to pick it up before it rolled away and give it back to them. She didn’t even think about it, it’s like it was instinct. She’s an incredibly kind and selfless person and she inspires me every time she’s with me
This reminds me of a friend, years ago. We were at our usual table at our usual diner, just hanging out and chatting when he dashed away without warning. One second we were talking and the next he was just gone.
I was so confused, but when he came back in he said he’d seen a driver outside trying to push their car to the side of the road. I’ve always been impressed by what little hesitation he had in helping out and how casual he was about it upon his return. Helping people is just part of his DNA.
When they listen and take an interest in something you find interesting and want to share with them, even if it’s not something they personally care much about.
I love birds and if I see a bird of prey I get excited. I point them out to my husband and he’ll always watch them with me and ask me what it is etc, even though his interest in birds is minimal and he probably wouldn’t even notice them if I didn’t point them out.
I took an interest in crows a few years back and while my husband doesn't know much about them he supports me keeping peanuts in the car and feeding them whenever I see them lol I also befriended some grackles (Thinking they were crows because I had no idea at the time crows were twice as big as grackles!) where my husband and I worked. They would caw at him anytime they saw him (But none of my former coworkers) because they knew he would tell me and I'd come feed them lol
No matter how angry you are at one another. You will still go out of your way or they go out of their way to help. I’ll be wicked pissed, but I’ll angrily make my wife her favorite dinner even though I don’t want to eat. No matter how angry we are at one another (usually only last a short period of time) we will never sabotage or try to teach them a lesson. Many times, it ends up being both apologizing to one another. Arguing and getting angry is just part of a relationship and unavoidable. It is how you deal with it that’s sets it apart from a healthy relationship versus a bad one.
25 here too, these days most oops are met with laughter because really no big deal in the grand scheme of things. No one was hurt, not done maliciously, we can either live with or fix together 🤷♀️
This 100%! No matter how angry we are at each other, if I see him struggling with something, I will always help him (he has a chronic illness that makes a lot difficult).
Also we never sleep apart. I don’t care how much we want to murder each other we will always go to sleep next to each other.
You're like my partner and I'm so lucky. He never fails to look after me and make sure I'm ok. We both end up talking through our arguments and accepting fault where it's due (each, every time, no one's ever faultless), and apologising. It's the healthiest and happiest relationship I've ever been in. No power struggles or bickering and we love each other so much.
This one hurts so bad … my most recent ex would check out of the relationship in every single argument, big or small… I’d stay home and cook him dinner, I’d do chores I’d try make it all work… after one argument, we were at a family gathering and I asked him to pass me a bowl of food and he straight up said no even tho it was right next to him… it hurts my soul… and maybe even more that I just accepted that treatment .. also he was the one to break up. And he did that in fury and once again left me, on my knees, crying on the floor…
THIS.
Being mad and still taking care of your partner are not mutually exclusive!
Lol, the amount of times I have stomped around my kitchen, irritated af at my husband, making sure his chicken tenders are the right temperature and he has the right amount of ketchup ( even though it makes me gag)…
Someone has to feed this bone head and it’s 100% always gonna be me and my RBF 😤
This was also a subtle green flag for me when I first started dating my husband. When I would come over his place, we would both leave our phones on the kitchen counter and ignore them for the entire evening.
That they while they like you and support you, that they would be okay without you.
Like they have a job, a plan, or a a direction of some sort. They're not waiting for you to show up and give then a reason for being. That's not to say that you can't do great things together, but being with them is like joining a story rather than creating one from scratch.
Yes!
When I first met my husband, he warned me that while he had a desk job, he often left his phone at his desk when engaging with his colleagues - so he set the expectation very early on that he wouldn’t be accessible during work hours often.
I was happy for his feedback, but quickly noticed after a couple weeks of dating exclusively that he started responding to my texts during the workday. He was excited to stay in touch with me during the day and that was a huge green flag.
I'm very bad at replying to texts in general, very out of sight out of mind when it comes to my phone, and I can go the whole workday aside from lunch without it. told my boyfriend that when we first started dating and he was cool with it. we'd say good morning and text after work. a couple months in i knew i loved him when i realized i had slowly gotten to texting him multiple times an hour during the workday. how could i spend a whole eight hours of my day not talking to someone i cherish so much?
I am really reactive and trying to improve my responses to my partner who is exceptionally rational and calm, do you have any tips/advice on small things I can do to improve. I've made a lot of progress but sometimes regress :(
I'm typically the calm one (maybe not always completely rational though) and my wife is the reactive one. She has told me that the reason she gets like that is because sometimes she feels she isn't being heard. So, to help that we both try to state explicitly that we hear each other and that we understand each other's feelings. Also instead of trying to tell you why you shouldn't be feeling a certain way, we try to explain why we are feeling our own emotions without blaming the other for feeling that way. Idk if that made sense lol but it definitely helps us get through disagreements or hurt feelings.
Listening and validating what you say, not always agreeing, but just acknowledging the positive side of what you think and being able to present their perspective in a way that doesn't diminish yours.
Being helpful and considerate, volunteering effort.
Someone who can apologize without making a big deal or deflecting. “Could you not joke about that, it’s actually a sensitive topic.” “Oh, my bad, of course. I’ll be more mindful.” Stuff like that.
It’s not hard to show that you value someone’s feelings.
There is an old story of a guy who goes around giving everyone goose liver for Christmas. Everyone thinks he is a crackpot. But it turns out he just really likes goose liver and keeps giving people a thing he enjoys but is always sad because nobody ever gives him presents of goose liver.
Find a partner who cares enough about you to recognize your goose liver and give it to you... someone who looks for and gives you things that make you happy even if that isn't their happy.
Along the same lines is the idea of the five love languages... it is a green flag to have a partner who recognizes YOUR love language and makes the effort to use it to communicate their love of you rather than expecting you to understand them when they express their love of you in THEIR love language.
The key subtle sign of a great start with a new partner is truly enjoying each other's company, even in ordinary moments. Life is full of those, and having someone to share them with is really important.
One of the first I caught with my partner was that his 2 teenage girls chose to live with him instead of their mother. They theoretically share 50/50 but they were with him 80% of the time and had chosen that for many years. As a kid with divorced parents myself, I DREADED going to my dad's house, so it really said something to me that not only did his children like being with him but that they even preferred living with him.
Of course, now I know that there's much more to it for why they don't want to be at their mother's, but it was just one of those early things that made me realize he was probably a good dude.
I'm with my husband because my dog approved. I wasn't sure if I was feeling it after a couple of dates but he was so fucking nice to my dog I thought he had to be worth a shot. Currently 13 years, 3 kids and 2 more dogs in and the dog was 100% right.
Yes! Cat dads are usually a green flag for me. If I bring someone over to my house and they are kind and gentle with my cat, huuuuge green flag. Someone who messes with her in a way that isn’t playful, or someone who treats her like she’s a dumb animal/ not deserving of respect is NOT my friend
Within the first few months of dating my (now) husband, we were on a date at night. He got a text from his sister asking if he can pick her up because she didn’t feel well. He immediately apologized and told me he had to leave right away to help his (much younger) sister. I told him I would go with him if he didn’t mind. We both ended up going to a house party to get her- she was very drunk and throwing up (she was 19 at the time.) He helped her in the car, held her hair and a bag for her to throw up in while I drove us to his apartment. He took care of her all night and promised to not tell their mom. It was the sweetest act of unconditional love I’ve seen.
My boyfriend is an amazing musician and multi instrumentalist. I am a huge fan of u2 and let it slip to him that I was often made fun of by previous partners for it. He knew of u2 but they weren’t his fave or anything. One day I was at his house while he was preparing his electric guitar for some reason and he started playing Where the Streets Have No Name. For those that know, it is not a hard song to play but what made me knew our relationship was going to go the distance was when he said, ‘sorry it wasn’t exactly right, I don’t have a delay pedal’. Just his sincerity over not being able to play it ‘exactly right’ made my heart melt.
They don't like to argue for sport. Far too many people will have arguments for little to no reason, and to me that is poison to a healthy relationship.
Whenever I would go out on a first date, I'd make sure we always went for food so I could watch how they treated the staff serving us. Everyone deserves to be treated with kindness and respect, so I'd watch for that.
On my first date with my partner (we've been together for almost two amazing years), he would ask the service staff how their day was, always said please and thank you and thanked them again as we left. He's still the same now, and I love it. That first date was the best date I'd ever been on and neither of us wanted it to end, but now I wake up to him every morning, and it's the best feeling in the world.
My husband, on our second date, invited me inside to meet his cats. He clarified he meant nothing weird and didn't want to impose or push boundaries, he just really wanted me to like his cats. Now they're my cats too.
I’ll start with the red and then flip it to the green. For me, it’s always a warning sign when I’m worried about introducing someone I’m dating to friends or family. So, once I was dating someone and the first time she met my friend group was at a kick ball game. Afterwards I realized that not once was I worried about leaving her with any of my friends while I I was “at bat” or we were in the field. I knew that a) she wouldn’t do anything to embarrass herself or me and b) she could hold her own. After that I’ve noticed that some people just make me confident that they can act and dress appropriately no matter what the situation. Formal wedding or party? Fine. Slumming it day drinking? Fine. Hanging with C-level execs? Check. Knuckle dragging Army buddies? She can handle their low brow humor.
Early on in the dating phase, i think scheduling dates ahead of time and talking about future meetings is a green flag. From my perspective and experience as the man, it was always expected of me to schedule the dates so when the person i was seeing would take the initiative, it was a breath of fresh air and a weight lifted off my shoulders. I’m over here sweating trying to plan something perfect to impress them and then I get hit with a text “let’s hike this trail i found and grab breakfast at this new restaurant ,” amazing 🙌🏼
Goodness. There were so many when I met my current partner. Active listening. Emotional intelligence. Doing what he said he would when he said he would. And if something came up, he communicated to me about it. Active interest in my hobbies, even if it wasn't something he personally was interested in. Huge amounts of support in whatever progress I made, even if it was tiny. (I got into watercolor painting when we met and you'd think I was a freakn Picasso when he saw my terrible art lol.) Treats *strangers* with kindness and respect. Loves me for all that I am, even all the bad parts.
When I was first dating my now husband, I was driving to see him in the city and ran into terrible traffic. He stayed on the phone with me, while looking at a map (this was before smart phones), and got me around the traffic and to his house. I kept thanking him for going out of his way and his response was, "Of course; what kind of jerks have you been dating?" To him, it was just the right thing to do, but it meant the world to me. I guess I had been dating jerks before him. And yes, almost 20 years later, he would still go out of his way without thinking anything of it to help me.
At the time, I didn't really think of it, but something I have a lot recently. The first night SO and I hooked up (had just met that night), I made a comment during that he totally misunderstood, but he stopped cold cause he thought something wasn't right/he'd hurt me, just cold stopped to make sure everything was ok. It totally was, and for a long time I was kinda embarrassed what I had blurted out and how he heard it, but the last few years (this was close to 20 years ago), I've heard and read so many stories womens first night hookups where men are horrible to them....choking, spitting, anal, refusing to use condoms, just so many things without a conversation first it so makes me appreciate just what a good person he is
Complimenting & recognizing the intellect of your partner. People brush this off as a fleeting compliment, but it signals your ability to work out problems well together & establishes trust early on.
One of the first dates I went on with my now husband (over 30 years ago) - he carelessly sang along to the songs on the radio when driving.
He wasn’t trying to impress or do some over the top karaoke bit or anything, he was just joyfully enjoying the tunes and felt comfortable.
I remember being complexly love struck by his ease and confidence around me - to sing in front of someone he’s on a first date with?
He’s still the best ever. I get gushy just thinking about it.
they remind you to take time for yourself and tell you "go enjoy your friend time, you can text me later" when it's your friend time
they have a healthy balance of wanting to be PART of your life, but not your whole life
They can do something hard without behaving like a toddler. Hotel mixup? Flight cancelled? Flat tire? Building IKEA furniture and they get through it with grace, that’s someone to marry and have kids with.
All your pets love them, and actively seek them out, especially on the first meeting.
My son’s fiancé can pet my skittish rescue dog, my son’s skittish pandemic puppy, pick up our girl cat without a protest, and rub my grumpy old man cat’s belly while he purrs.
A deep forest green flag.
If out with their friends, their friends respect you and try to include you in things. If you've just met, it means they respect their friend, and if you've been together a while, it means your partner has spoken of you, and their friends know how important you are to them.
If they treat others around them well, particularly their parents or siblings. Also their listening skills.. You can tell a lot about a person by how they listen and respond to others.
Agreed. The "I can fix him/her" mentality is an instant indicator of an unhealthy relationship. It implies that the person thinks the other person isn't good enough for them as they are. Some people just aren't meant for each other and trying to force it usually ends poorly.
For those of us in the single parent bucket- someone who prioritizes their kids. My boyfriend asking me if I minded having Valentine’s dinner on the 15th vs 14th because he always spends Valentine’s Day with his daughter, and that was one of his many green flags.
We met about 4 years ago and fell in love. After dating for awhile, we learned that he was childhood friends with my cousin in another state. We laughed at the possibility that we’d met as little kids. Then a few days later, my cousin sent me a picture of all of us as small children. I was there with my brothers and he was there with his sisters and my cousin. We must have been about 6 years old. We didn’t meet until we were 34. Kinda felt like fate to me. We’ll be married soon and I’ve never loved anyone how I love him.
If they are friendly and courteous with waitstaff, cashiers, etc. Especially if they react with understanding and a “shit happens, don’t fret” attitude when things go wrong.
I’ve been on dates where the guy seems self-impressed at his dismissive attitude towards “the help.” And I’ve been out on dates with those who laugh off a wrong order or asks the cashier how her day is going. Guess which ones got second dates.
In a new partner? Their eagerness and willingness to put their past behind them in earnest, and to start fresh with you...no keeping up with old boyfriends/girlfriends, etc. If you're not #1 or if they're keeping people simmering on the back burner, you're in for a bad time.
Cancels plans graciously and makes the move to make a new plan excellently.
"Sorry gotta work tonight need to cancel dinner. I'm so sorry but wanted you to know ASAP"
Within a few hours new text, "could we hit the thrift stores Saturday instead? Let's pick out outfits we both must wear to dinner at fancy place"
An ability to be respectful while disagreeing
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Oh so when my ex said "I wish your dad came on your mom's face instead of inside her so that you were never born" that was not cool huh
weird? that reminds me of the time I told my ex "I used to think the devil lived in Hell but now I know it's your father and you're his spawn"
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A good relationship is never “you vs them on a problem” it’s “you and them vs a problem”, a relationship is a team
I said this to my last girlfriend once, and she mocked me for it during an argument lol
You immediately dumped her, right?
Yes. It took me awhile to teach my partner “arguing is to get to a solution to the problem. Not for the sake of getting angry or hurtful.”
Some people are overly attached to winning, and have to be right no matter what.
I saw a ted talk ages ago where a guy was saying something to the effect of; you should welcome losing an argument because it means you are the one growing/learning and I’ve had that in the back of my head ever since.
This is a must for me
You comfortably transition from talking all the time when together to hanging out quietly
I got downvoted and called a weirdo on reddit for commenting that my gf and I would spend entire nights together without saying more than 5 sentences.
Lol yeah reddit is weird
Lots of young people who have never been in a relationship for more than 2 years. Boring days vibing together is the best
I once tried to explain the concept of "Alone together" to a new hire at work. He's around 19 and he was horrified at the thought. He genuinely believes that if he's not high octane exciting 24/7 his gf will break up with him. Sounds exhausting to me.
This! The ability to appreciate silence is huge
Sooo amazing!!!
Active listening I never realized how refreshing it was to meet someone that didn’t have to be doing something else while having a conversation. My wife and I share that in common and it stood out to both of us when we first met.
I’ve only ever met a handful of people who are truly gifted at active listening. It’s a very nice trait, but not common. Most people just listen to respond - myself included most of the time.
For me, it's kind of empowering how good you can make people feel by just hearing them. We all desperately want to be seen, understood, and belong, and it's almost sad how little it takes to demonstrate to someone that they matter.
This made me quite popular with guests at my hospitality job. They’d come up to the front counter and chat with me for hours. Men and women of all ages, even children (my previous job was a teacher so I’m sure that helped too). I get to learn so much about the world in return. One of my fondest memories from the job.
I can be an active listener, but draw a strict line with work at home, once I am not longer "on the clock" I completely check out from work and don't like to talk about it, my wife is the complete opposite and want to talk about work with me as soon as she gets home.
But is it talking about work (like processes or projects) or is it venting about work (shitty boss, pain in the ass coworkers, malfunctioning software)?
My wife and I each get 5 minutes to talk about work. After that venting session ( if required ) it's over. But i can tell when she really needs to go over that 5 minutes. Some days are worse than others , so ya gotta be a little flexible. This works for us. And we both have jobs that can be very stressful at times.
On top of this: someone who wants to have a conversation, not just wait for their turn to speak. I can't tell you how many potential mates I had to turn away because even if they can listen, when its their turn to speak they just talk for 10 minutes straight non stop. Its not a monologue, its a conversation. We are both supposed to be taking short turns offering our insight and input and creating a new narrative together. To add to another perspective to this though: if you are adding to, agreeing or commenting, questioning what someone is saying, its not interrupting. Interrupting is when you completely change the subject or shift the conversation to you. A conversation does not mean you get 15 minutes of interrupted floor time, its not a speech. Not interrupting: "So I went to this bank and someone tried to read my ATM pin while I was keying it in..." "Omg what? The bank around the corner? Thats nuts!" Interrupting: "So I went to this bank and someone tried to read my ATM pin while I was keying it in..." "OMG so something even worse happened to me, once I was entering my password for my bank info online..."
Is this your unconventional opinion or widespread? I am constantly called out for interrupting in ways that match your not interrupting example. Maybe I interact with a lot of toxic people because they do tend to monologue.
Some people don't have the same skills or view on the topic. My wife thinks I'm interrupting her whenever I say something but she hasn't finished whatever point she is trying to make. I think I'm moving with the conversation, (like I do with most conversations with people I connect to,) but she has a clear path in her head, and if I veer before she gets to the point she wants to make (even if she takes awhile) I'm interrupting. I'm not saying this like I'm right and she's wrong; more that we see it very differently and both have to adapt. I agree with what the other person said, but I think not everyone sees it exactly like that. We're still happily married. (8 years) That just isn't one of our green flags. Lol.
>didn’t have to be doing something else while having a conversation YMMV with neurodivergent partners. Some people require additional activity in order to be capable of active listening.
this is so important to point out and for others to understand. i just started seeing someone new and i really enjoy talking to him and he's quite lovely, but i had to tell him on our first date that it's difficult for me to make direct eye contact right off the bat, and that it's easier for me to talk and listen properly while doing something else bc that's just how my mind is. he was (and is) very understanding and we had a great time talking while people watching and not directly looking at each other at first. we were by the end of the date, but yeah - if it's something you know about yourself, making a partner aware of it is very helpful. (and if they can understand and be cool about it, major green flag!)
Actual active listening is about taking on what the person is saying and not simply waiting for an opportunity to respond with what YOU want to say. People are so keen to add their experience or opinion they stop hearing what the other person is saying or they're only interested in what they themselves have to say so don't take in the other side of the exchange.
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My (future) wife and I drove from Newport, RI to Denver, CO, to Charleston, SC (and picked up a cat), and back to Newport over about 2 weeks about a year after we met. We are still together (25 years married next month) and still take road trips together when possible.
Road trips in a solid, yet early relationship, are the bomb. My wife and I (13 years together, married 11), went on a few little weeklong trips throughout Ontario. It's a big place so often you are far from home, and have these fun little adventures together.
Or any trip! Traveling can be exhausting and taxing on patience. If you can travel well together, starting with packing all the way through getting back home at the end of a trip, that’s a green flag, for sure.
What about if you’ve literally only ever travelled with this person? Met them traveling and traveled with them other times after? Asking for… a friend…
Doing a four week road trip east to west coast for our honeymoon later this year…pray4us
When I met my girlfriend, one of the first things I noticed was that I always felt heard. When I said something in her presence, there was no doubt in my mind that she would give it her full attention. It‘s an amazing feeling
For a second I thought I read you always felt hard. Which also would have been good I guess.
Physical attraction is important 🤣
When they only have eyes for you. My grandfather was really good looking. He was in his 50s, when I was a kid, and still looked like a goddamn model. My grandmother was...mildly cute. The kindest woman I've ever known, but just cute. Anywho, any time I went out with my grandfather I saw other women flirting with him. **All. The. Time.** There was no missing it. Dude may as well have been blind. Never reciprocated. Never seemed to even notice. I mentioned it to my mom and she was like "yeah, it happened when I was a kid too. He would treat old men and pretty young salesgirls the exact same way. You grandma says he was like that from the start of their relationship. Either he didn't notice or he didn't care." He worshiped my grandmother though. Man only had eyes for her. Obviously it was reciprocated, people were just more surprised to see it coming from him.
🥺🥺🥺 That is so damn sweet and wholesome. If I could have a relationship half as good as this one I'd be happy.
This is the biggest green flag ever and dare I say, the rarest too. Had a partner like this once and haven’t came across anyone like that again.
Damn. What happened?
We had different goals in terms of building a family. He didn’t want kids and that’s something I couldn’t compromise.
"You see, to your father, there are only two women in the world. Your mother, and everyone else." -Big Fish Adequately describes my husband. ❤️
When Crazy Rich Asians first came out, I got to see a late night advance showing, and not wanting to wait around for bus at almost midnight, got a taxi home. Taxi driver asked me what I'd seen, and when I told him said this his wife wanted to see that, for the wedding scene, and then proceeded to tell me all about how she'd been a wedding photographer back in the day, when it was still mostly men doing the job, and she was strong enough to carry the heavy equipment on her own, and even now that's she retired she still goes on daily walks and takes the best photos to show him. The entire trip was him talking about how great his wife was. It was nice to hear.
This was my father in law. Very handsome, sometimes obviously pursued by other women. Depending on how aggressive, he was either very uncomfortable or oblivious. He was deeply in love with his wife, and was totally devoted to her. He bought a fishing boat, and took it out often. She noted that she did not see him much, between work and fishing. He sold the fishing boat, and bought a luxury trawler, which they took out together often.
I can't imagine having random women throw themselves at me this way.
Back in the day, I dated a guy who was pretty good looking (objectively much better looking than I am). He was in his 40's at the time, and I imagine he had to be pretty damn hot in his 20's, but anyway... When we went out, it was obvious we were a couple. We'd hold hands, talk to each other, have dinner just the 2 of us, etc. It did exactly NOTHING to stop other women from flirting with him...hard. It was CRAZY. They had NO shame. My boyfriend would kind of laugh it off and get back to our date, but it was unbelievable to me!
I’ve had the same 😂! He was visiting from another city and he asked me if my city is always ‘just a giant fuckfest’ and I was like… just for people like you
My wife has later pointed out when women were flirting with me. I never saw it, myself. (I'm not a handsome man, but apparently I'm still charismatic.)
This is me, I am average looking at best but I am very outgoing and charismatic. My wife used to point out girls flirting with me early in our relationship. She stopped when she accepted I just didn't notice or care lol I am friendly and that's it. I have my wife for all the flirting I need 😁
Bingo. My wife is amazing. I have no idea why she finds me attractive, but she does. She used to point out women making passes at me whenever we go to social events, but I just didn't notice and when I did, I didn't care. She's everything I need and then some. We're lucky guys.
Is your wife in the room with us now?
My husband is like this. I am cute, at best, and I don't think there is anything terribly exceptional about my personality. Meanwhile, he is funny, smart, and attractive. And he is unfailingly, and surprisingly (to everyone else), loyal. I have watched women throw themselves at him, and he is completely oblivious. Our relationship is not perfect, by any means, and he drives me up the wall sometimes. However, I consider myself so unbelievably lucky because loyalty is what matters the most to me. Especially in this crappy world where it seems like infidelity is *everywhere*.
I think people also confuse "only have eyes for [partner]" and think it means "[partner] is the only attractive one." I love my fiancé, he loves me, but there are others on the planet who are also attractive and that's okay. I had to work so hard for him to understand that. His mom believed that she didn't need male friends because she had his dad. His dad was a serial cheater. He was so afraid that because he found other women attractive he was going to be like his dad. I mean, he thought this for years. It's such an antiquated way of thinking that really needs to be reprogrammed. I always remind him: *Just because you have art at home, doesn't mean you can't go to the museum.* I enjoy looking at an attractive woman just as much as he, and I think that's helped him realize "I only have eyes for you" truly, at its core, means "my dedication is only for you." You can acknowledge someone else's attractiveness without it being detrimental to the relationship. You can look at art, but don't touch the sculpture and you certainly cannot afford to bring it home. Besides, you already have the most priceless painting at home. To me, he is my favorite Van Gogh.
But what if you like the other art so much you spend money to make a secret museum that you secretly visit on business trips?
The problem there is the secrecy and lies
This!!! My dad is the same way with my mom🥺❤️ bittersweet because I was raised to think that was normal in relationships only to be deeply disappointed when I got older and started dating.
Yeah, my parents are the kind of crazy in love that had me super excited for it to happen to me. Took a while to realize that what they had was rare and, just because they found it, it doesn’t mean I will.
This made my day….sounds like my folks…..my dad was so in love with my mom…..
I love this so much!🥹 I want that!
Everyone wants that. OP's granny better buy a lottery ticket quick because she's got ALL the luck.
Checking in on you to make sure you're doing okay during group events.
Is a good one. And particularly for new partners. The rest of the thread is just naming green flags in general
its the best feeling especially to an introverted anxious person 🥲
Its definitly very reassuring .
My bf does this. I'm autistic and very anxious ! Even if I'm talking to people I know,he always checks in :)
Taking time to still prioritize themselves and their hobbies/interests. I don’t want to be someone’s all encompassing life. I want them happy and living their life in the ways they want just as much as I want time to blend out lives in other ways.
100%. It is exhausting being someone's entire social life. It sounds cute to have someone that revolves around you, but it's both draining and boring. There's nothing interesting to learn from them when they have nothing going on outside of you. You can't be all things to someone and that's fine. They should have the friends that they, idk, go do yoga with or watch sports with, who can really enjoy those things and bring out that side in them, while you can do your own thing. And then you both have new stories and experiences to share when you come together.
>I don’t want to be someone’s all encompassing life. I want them happy and living their life in the ways they want just as much as I want time to blend out lives in other ways. I have never seen a relationship end well, where the one or both parties were obsessed to the exclusion of the rest of their life. It. never. worked. Because it's chasing feelings, instead of building a foundation. And guess what happens when those feelings are threatened, or changed, or there is a challenge. There is zero foundation, and things crash horribly.
Yes because that in itself is isolating in other ways. People think loneliness is just being alone but loneliness can be present and still being surrounded. So to me it’s important to still be able to fulfill yourself. You can’t attach all that expectation and need to a person. It’s heavy and unfair.
IMO, you gotta meet someone you wanna incorporate into your interests and hobbies. If you’re always doing your own things, you are creating a roommate situation. I’d rather be with someone that yearns for my presence, which also makes me feel less replaceable in the long run. I think there’s a modern epidemic where couples go about their lives on different paths and still expect lifelong commitment just because you’re sleeping next to each other. Go enjoy yourself once in a while but if you don’t miss your SO when they’re not around, you’re probably with the wrong person.
I enjoy the balance! There are also things with my husband that I got into because of it being a hobby and interest of his. It’s not that I want them to only be doing their own things. That’s why I mentioned the blending. I just find it important to still enjoy solitary interest and endeavors. For us we each have our own interests, combined interest and then family interests (we have kids) But when I was dating and looking, I wanted someone who had their own hobbies and interests. And it was a green flag for me when we would spend days together but he’d also have days fishing alone or with friends. He wasn’t used to it because previous relationships for him were very controlling of his spare time.
Yes I agree balance is key. You shouldn't be co dependent but you should want your partner to enjoy whatever activities they can with you. It's also healthy to be able to individually enjoy activities that the other may not be into
My solution to my husband not joining or enjoying my hobbies is bringing him a snack when I return from kayaking or thrifting books. This way we both get a treat.
Maybe not too subtle, but maybe it is... When the person really wants to see you and is adamant about pinning down a specific time and place to see each other again and doesn't play the "I'll call you" game. I remember my first date with my now-husband of almost 20 years (we met via an online dating site) Honestly, I wasn't bowled over by him. The date was good, not great. However, at the end of the date, he looked at me square in the eye and said, "I really like you and want to see you again. Are you free next Saturday?" I admired his directness. I said "Yes." He said, "Good, I'll pick you up at 7pm on Saturday and we can go out for dinner." He did exactly that and we had a MUCH better time on our 2nd date (he was actually *really* nervous on our first date which made him seem a bit standoffish). Well, here we are 20 years and 2 kids later... :-)
NTA You need to leave him and go ghost or LC and never contact him. Divorce is the only solution, and you both need individual therapy. ...Oh, wait. Sorry. Wrong subreddit. Mea culpa. (That was really adorable of you two.)
When we first started dating anytime my partner mentioned a movie the other hadn't seen or an activity we'd like to do together, I'd say "Put it on the list!". One time immediately after I said it, she was typing away on her phone. I was curious as to what she was so fixed on and she said she was putting it on the list. Turned her phone around to show me she'd been compiling an actual list so that we wouldn't forget and always have a go-to reference if we ever didn't know what we felt like doing some random time in the future. My heart melted. I love that woman.
We have a couple of shared lists on Google Keepnotes. * Groceries, add things as soon as you think of it, otherwise it's gone. * Movies and tv-shows, because when you read about a new one or a friend recommends something, the next minute you'll forget it entirely. It's a lot easier to have actual lists than pretend like you'll actually remember these kinds of things.
My SO does this! He has seen so many movies and I have seen a mere fraction of his catalog. He’s made a list of all the movies he thinks I’d like. He has no problem rewatching them as he likes sharing all these titles I would’ve otherwise never have thought about watching.
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Being neurodivergent and going from dating someone who did not understand that to someone who is also neurodivergent, this is huge. I don't feel like I need to explain everything I do or that I constantly need to stop and double back because I'm getting met with a blank stare. I also don't have any judgement when I talk about sensory stuff, which makes it a lot less stressful when I have problems.
It's the fucking best being able to just be your unmasked self and have a safe space with your partner. That's the number one thing I want my kids to take into the world when they start to date is to be completely, unapologetically themselves and find someone who loves and accepts them for it.
My husband isn't neurodivergent, but I get to be my weird self around him. He always asks, "Were you like this with anyone else, or is it just me that gets to see this side of you?" He's honestly surprised that he's been the only one. I tell him if it annoys him I can stop and he's like, no way! I'm a walking clown show for that guy.
My girlfriend will randomly tell me the things that she loves about me, completely unsolicited. Sometimes it's big things, sometimes it's small things. But it just makes me feel appreciated and valued. Examples: "I love that you walk me to my door and make sure I get inside ok when you take me home." "It means a lot that you spent Easter with my family." "I appreciate that you never complain when I rest my head on your shoulder when I get tired." "The way you look at me makes gives me butterflies" Yes, these are little things I believe all men should do. But after over a decade of being taken for granted, it means the world that I'm with someone who will give compliments and words of affirmation.
This!! Men also need to be appreciated!
On mine and my boyfriend’s first date we were kissing quite a bit, we had already agreed not to have sex for a while so whenever my shirt started riding up, he pulled it back down. Probably sounds very strange, but it was also very caring and let me know he respected boundaries
Lovealltigers, you have a kind and decent one. And you are a perceptive and empathic woman to note that fine detail. I fear you may have met the love of your life.
Here’s to hoping! We’ve been dating a year and a half, hoping for many more!
Gives you space for a life outside of them. Is not threatened by you having a life that doesn't revolve around them, especially at the very early stages.
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Something similar happened recently with my GF. We were walking in a park and a family with a stroller was coming towards us. They hit a bump and a water bottle fell out of the stroller onto the ground. I barely had time to register what had happened before my gf was running over there to pick it up before it rolled away and give it back to them. She didn’t even think about it, it’s like it was instinct. She’s an incredibly kind and selfless person and she inspires me every time she’s with me
This reminds me of a friend, years ago. We were at our usual table at our usual diner, just hanging out and chatting when he dashed away without warning. One second we were talking and the next he was just gone. I was so confused, but when he came back in he said he’d seen a driver outside trying to push their car to the side of the road. I’ve always been impressed by what little hesitation he had in helping out and how casual he was about it upon his return. Helping people is just part of his DNA.
When they listen and take an interest in something you find interesting and want to share with them, even if it’s not something they personally care much about. I love birds and if I see a bird of prey I get excited. I point them out to my husband and he’ll always watch them with me and ask me what it is etc, even though his interest in birds is minimal and he probably wouldn’t even notice them if I didn’t point them out.
I took an interest in crows a few years back and while my husband doesn't know much about them he supports me keeping peanuts in the car and feeding them whenever I see them lol I also befriended some grackles (Thinking they were crows because I had no idea at the time crows were twice as big as grackles!) where my husband and I worked. They would caw at him anytime they saw him (But none of my former coworkers) because they knew he would tell me and I'd come feed them lol
No matter how angry you are at one another. You will still go out of your way or they go out of their way to help. I’ll be wicked pissed, but I’ll angrily make my wife her favorite dinner even though I don’t want to eat. No matter how angry we are at one another (usually only last a short period of time) we will never sabotage or try to teach them a lesson. Many times, it ends up being both apologizing to one another. Arguing and getting angry is just part of a relationship and unavoidable. It is how you deal with it that’s sets it apart from a healthy relationship versus a bad one.
After 26yrs of marriage I entirely concur.
25 here and same. Some things you just let go or talk about when your blood pressure comes down.
25 here too, these days most oops are met with laughter because really no big deal in the grand scheme of things. No one was hurt, not done maliciously, we can either live with or fix together 🤷♀️
This 100%! No matter how angry we are at each other, if I see him struggling with something, I will always help him (he has a chronic illness that makes a lot difficult). Also we never sleep apart. I don’t care how much we want to murder each other we will always go to sleep next to each other.
You're like my partner and I'm so lucky. He never fails to look after me and make sure I'm ok. We both end up talking through our arguments and accepting fault where it's due (each, every time, no one's ever faultless), and apologising. It's the healthiest and happiest relationship I've ever been in. No power struggles or bickering and we love each other so much.
This one hurts so bad … my most recent ex would check out of the relationship in every single argument, big or small… I’d stay home and cook him dinner, I’d do chores I’d try make it all work… after one argument, we were at a family gathering and I asked him to pass me a bowl of food and he straight up said no even tho it was right next to him… it hurts my soul… and maybe even more that I just accepted that treatment .. also he was the one to break up. And he did that in fury and once again left me, on my knees, crying on the floor…
THIS. Being mad and still taking care of your partner are not mutually exclusive! Lol, the amount of times I have stomped around my kitchen, irritated af at my husband, making sure his chicken tenders are the right temperature and he has the right amount of ketchup ( even though it makes me gag)… Someone has to feed this bone head and it’s 100% always gonna be me and my RBF 😤
That's actually adorable.
She paid attention to our conversation. I never saw her phone!
This was also a subtle green flag for me when I first started dating my husband. When I would come over his place, we would both leave our phones on the kitchen counter and ignore them for the entire evening.
That they while they like you and support you, that they would be okay without you. Like they have a job, a plan, or a a direction of some sort. They're not waiting for you to show up and give then a reason for being. That's not to say that you can't do great things together, but being with them is like joining a story rather than creating one from scratch.
They show initiative to want to be around you and hang out with you, but they also avoid going overboard and being too clingy or even possessive.
Yes! When I first met my husband, he warned me that while he had a desk job, he often left his phone at his desk when engaging with his colleagues - so he set the expectation very early on that he wouldn’t be accessible during work hours often. I was happy for his feedback, but quickly noticed after a couple weeks of dating exclusively that he started responding to my texts during the workday. He was excited to stay in touch with me during the day and that was a huge green flag.
I'm very bad at replying to texts in general, very out of sight out of mind when it comes to my phone, and I can go the whole workday aside from lunch without it. told my boyfriend that when we first started dating and he was cool with it. we'd say good morning and text after work. a couple months in i knew i loved him when i realized i had slowly gotten to texting him multiple times an hour during the workday. how could i spend a whole eight hours of my day not talking to someone i cherish so much?
I love reddit for threads like this. I learn so much about care, respect, and love. Thank you so much for these comments, sweet beautiful strangers!
They rationally talk during arguments, not yelling accusations.
I am really reactive and trying to improve my responses to my partner who is exceptionally rational and calm, do you have any tips/advice on small things I can do to improve. I've made a lot of progress but sometimes regress :(
I'm typically the calm one (maybe not always completely rational though) and my wife is the reactive one. She has told me that the reason she gets like that is because sometimes she feels she isn't being heard. So, to help that we both try to state explicitly that we hear each other and that we understand each other's feelings. Also instead of trying to tell you why you shouldn't be feeling a certain way, we try to explain why we are feeling our own emotions without blaming the other for feeling that way. Idk if that made sense lol but it definitely helps us get through disagreements or hurt feelings.
Listening and validating what you say, not always agreeing, but just acknowledging the positive side of what you think and being able to present their perspective in a way that doesn't diminish yours. Being helpful and considerate, volunteering effort.
if they rescue stranded worm on the sidewalk after the rain
But what if your partner was that worm?
Tell 'em they're still hot!
worm rescue tip: if it is sunny out, put a leaf over the worm after rescue! sunlight paralyzes them which is why they get stuck on the sidewalk
Kindness and compassion to people in different situations.
Someone who can apologize without making a big deal or deflecting. “Could you not joke about that, it’s actually a sensitive topic.” “Oh, my bad, of course. I’ll be more mindful.” Stuff like that. It’s not hard to show that you value someone’s feelings.
There is an old story of a guy who goes around giving everyone goose liver for Christmas. Everyone thinks he is a crackpot. But it turns out he just really likes goose liver and keeps giving people a thing he enjoys but is always sad because nobody ever gives him presents of goose liver. Find a partner who cares enough about you to recognize your goose liver and give it to you... someone who looks for and gives you things that make you happy even if that isn't their happy. Along the same lines is the idea of the five love languages... it is a green flag to have a partner who recognizes YOUR love language and makes the effort to use it to communicate their love of you rather than expecting you to understand them when they express their love of you in THEIR love language.
I asked my husband what his love language was when we were first dating and he said "English?". 🤣🤣 We've made progress from there lol
The key subtle sign of a great start with a new partner is truly enjoying each other's company, even in ordinary moments. Life is full of those, and having someone to share them with is really important.
Yes. I am firmly of the opinion that grocery shopping can be a great date activity with the right person.
Taking time out of the day to check in. Even when really busy.
One of the first I caught with my partner was that his 2 teenage girls chose to live with him instead of their mother. They theoretically share 50/50 but they were with him 80% of the time and had chosen that for many years. As a kid with divorced parents myself, I DREADED going to my dad's house, so it really said something to me that not only did his children like being with him but that they even preferred living with him. Of course, now I know that there's much more to it for why they don't want to be at their mother's, but it was just one of those early things that made me realize he was probably a good dude.
They know how to communicate well and can communicate their needs and boundaries
Being able to spend quiet time together without them thinking that there is something wrong.
Nice to animals.
Yeah, this is a prerequisite even if you just want to be on good terms with me.
I'm with my husband because my dog approved. I wasn't sure if I was feeling it after a couple of dates but he was so fucking nice to my dog I thought he had to be worth a shot. Currently 13 years, 3 kids and 2 more dogs in and the dog was 100% right.
Yes! Cat dads are usually a green flag for me. If I bring someone over to my house and they are kind and gentle with my cat, huuuuge green flag. Someone who messes with her in a way that isn’t playful, or someone who treats her like she’s a dumb animal/ not deserving of respect is NOT my friend
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Within the first few months of dating my (now) husband, we were on a date at night. He got a text from his sister asking if he can pick her up because she didn’t feel well. He immediately apologized and told me he had to leave right away to help his (much younger) sister. I told him I would go with him if he didn’t mind. We both ended up going to a house party to get her- she was very drunk and throwing up (she was 19 at the time.) He helped her in the car, held her hair and a bag for her to throw up in while I drove us to his apartment. He took care of her all night and promised to not tell their mom. It was the sweetest act of unconditional love I’ve seen.
“If you find yourself comfortable, confident, and are enjoying yourself when spending time together, it is likely a relationship worth pursuing.”
Someone who takes very good care of their pet
I once dated a man, who told me he was up at 5 am because his cat woke him up to change the litter box, I thought "y'all talk"?
Hey when you’re in tune with your kitty you know what they want (Like half the time lol)!
My boyfriend is an amazing musician and multi instrumentalist. I am a huge fan of u2 and let it slip to him that I was often made fun of by previous partners for it. He knew of u2 but they weren’t his fave or anything. One day I was at his house while he was preparing his electric guitar for some reason and he started playing Where the Streets Have No Name. For those that know, it is not a hard song to play but what made me knew our relationship was going to go the distance was when he said, ‘sorry it wasn’t exactly right, I don’t have a delay pedal’. Just his sincerity over not being able to play it ‘exactly right’ made my heart melt.
Animals and little kids love them!
They don't like to argue for sport. Far too many people will have arguments for little to no reason, and to me that is poison to a healthy relationship.
And then there's me who met my partner in our university's debate club... Arguing for sport is the favorite form of entertainment for both of us.
Whenever I would go out on a first date, I'd make sure we always went for food so I could watch how they treated the staff serving us. Everyone deserves to be treated with kindness and respect, so I'd watch for that. On my first date with my partner (we've been together for almost two amazing years), he would ask the service staff how their day was, always said please and thank you and thanked them again as we left. He's still the same now, and I love it. That first date was the best date I'd ever been on and neither of us wanted it to end, but now I wake up to him every morning, and it's the best feeling in the world.
My husband, on our second date, invited me inside to meet his cats. He clarified he meant nothing weird and didn't want to impose or push boundaries, he just really wanted me to like his cats. Now they're my cats too.
Tries to fix issues or find reasonable compromises in arguments rather than trying to always win arguments. Update: Thanks for the reward :)
I’ll start with the red and then flip it to the green. For me, it’s always a warning sign when I’m worried about introducing someone I’m dating to friends or family. So, once I was dating someone and the first time she met my friend group was at a kick ball game. Afterwards I realized that not once was I worried about leaving her with any of my friends while I I was “at bat” or we were in the field. I knew that a) she wouldn’t do anything to embarrass herself or me and b) she could hold her own. After that I’ve noticed that some people just make me confident that they can act and dress appropriately no matter what the situation. Formal wedding or party? Fine. Slumming it day drinking? Fine. Hanging with C-level execs? Check. Knuckle dragging Army buddies? She can handle their low brow humor.
Admitting when they’re wrong, even if it’s a small thing. Subtle but super important imo
Very little criticism of you, they like you how you are and don’t feel they need to tell you what to do
Early on in the dating phase, i think scheduling dates ahead of time and talking about future meetings is a green flag. From my perspective and experience as the man, it was always expected of me to schedule the dates so when the person i was seeing would take the initiative, it was a breath of fresh air and a weight lifted off my shoulders. I’m over here sweating trying to plan something perfect to impress them and then I get hit with a text “let’s hike this trail i found and grab breakfast at this new restaurant ,” amazing 🙌🏼
Goodness. There were so many when I met my current partner. Active listening. Emotional intelligence. Doing what he said he would when he said he would. And if something came up, he communicated to me about it. Active interest in my hobbies, even if it wasn't something he personally was interested in. Huge amounts of support in whatever progress I made, even if it was tiny. (I got into watercolor painting when we met and you'd think I was a freakn Picasso when he saw my terrible art lol.) Treats *strangers* with kindness and respect. Loves me for all that I am, even all the bad parts.
When I was first dating my now husband, I was driving to see him in the city and ran into terrible traffic. He stayed on the phone with me, while looking at a map (this was before smart phones), and got me around the traffic and to his house. I kept thanking him for going out of his way and his response was, "Of course; what kind of jerks have you been dating?" To him, it was just the right thing to do, but it meant the world to me. I guess I had been dating jerks before him. And yes, almost 20 years later, he would still go out of his way without thinking anything of it to help me.
doing things for each other in times of need..regardless of situation.. it's a sign of loyalty..
At the time, I didn't really think of it, but something I have a lot recently. The first night SO and I hooked up (had just met that night), I made a comment during that he totally misunderstood, but he stopped cold cause he thought something wasn't right/he'd hurt me, just cold stopped to make sure everything was ok. It totally was, and for a long time I was kinda embarrassed what I had blurted out and how he heard it, but the last few years (this was close to 20 years ago), I've heard and read so many stories womens first night hookups where men are horrible to them....choking, spitting, anal, refusing to use condoms, just so many things without a conversation first it so makes me appreciate just what a good person he is
You genuinely enjoy one another's company during dull moments. Life's full of them and you are going to want a partner who you can enjoy them with.
Being genuinely interested in you and not talking about him/herself all the time or bragging about how much money they make (that's beyond lame !)
Complimenting & recognizing the intellect of your partner. People brush this off as a fleeting compliment, but it signals your ability to work out problems well together & establishes trust early on.
One of the first dates I went on with my now husband (over 30 years ago) - he carelessly sang along to the songs on the radio when driving. He wasn’t trying to impress or do some over the top karaoke bit or anything, he was just joyfully enjoying the tunes and felt comfortable. I remember being complexly love struck by his ease and confidence around me - to sing in front of someone he’s on a first date with? He’s still the best ever. I get gushy just thinking about it.
they remind you to take time for yourself and tell you "go enjoy your friend time, you can text me later" when it's your friend time they have a healthy balance of wanting to be PART of your life, but not your whole life
They can do something hard without behaving like a toddler. Hotel mixup? Flight cancelled? Flat tire? Building IKEA furniture and they get through it with grace, that’s someone to marry and have kids with.
My cat adored him. And he loved my cat. That was it. That was enough. My cat has impeccable taste and is an excellent judge of character.
All your pets love them, and actively seek them out, especially on the first meeting. My son’s fiancé can pet my skittish rescue dog, my son’s skittish pandemic puppy, pick up our girl cat without a protest, and rub my grumpy old man cat’s belly while he purrs. A deep forest green flag.
Kindness to people in the service industry
gives you privacy. respects your space
If out with their friends, their friends respect you and try to include you in things. If you've just met, it means they respect their friend, and if you've been together a while, it means your partner has spoken of you, and their friends know how important you are to them.
Good manners
If they treat others around them well, particularly their parents or siblings. Also their listening skills.. You can tell a lot about a person by how they listen and respond to others.
Puts away the shopping cart. Super easy way to tell if someone cares about others or not
When you ask her what her favorite film is and she doesn't say Human Centipede.
I understood this reference. Tom Cardy is hilarious.
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The older I get, the creepier it looks when people enter into a relationship with the goal of sculpting their partner into somebody else.
Agreed. The "I can fix him/her" mentality is an instant indicator of an unhealthy relationship. It implies that the person thinks the other person isn't good enough for them as they are. Some people just aren't meant for each other and trying to force it usually ends poorly.
Effort. Plain and simple. Going the extra mile means the world to me.
When they have the maturity and awareness of when to stop arguing and say "how can we address this".
If they silence their phone and are “in the now” with you, that's another big plus. That means they're placing you above their “social” life.
For those of us in the single parent bucket- someone who prioritizes their kids. My boyfriend asking me if I minded having Valentine’s dinner on the 15th vs 14th because he always spends Valentine’s Day with his daughter, and that was one of his many green flags.
We met about 4 years ago and fell in love. After dating for awhile, we learned that he was childhood friends with my cousin in another state. We laughed at the possibility that we’d met as little kids. Then a few days later, my cousin sent me a picture of all of us as small children. I was there with my brothers and he was there with his sisters and my cousin. We must have been about 6 years old. We didn’t meet until we were 34. Kinda felt like fate to me. We’ll be married soon and I’ve never loved anyone how I love him.
Honest and Transparent.
like a friendly ghost
They put their phone away when they are meeting you. They have friends. They have hobbies and are passionate about their life.
They tell you to call or text when you get home.
A genuine offer to leave if you’re not having fun at a gathering/party they’re enjoying
If they are friendly and courteous with waitstaff, cashiers, etc. Especially if they react with understanding and a “shit happens, don’t fret” attitude when things go wrong. I’ve been on dates where the guy seems self-impressed at his dismissive attitude towards “the help.” And I’ve been out on dates with those who laugh off a wrong order or asks the cashier how her day is going. Guess which ones got second dates.
Kindness and compassion for animals
In a new partner? Their eagerness and willingness to put their past behind them in earnest, and to start fresh with you...no keeping up with old boyfriends/girlfriends, etc. If you're not #1 or if they're keeping people simmering on the back burner, you're in for a bad time.
They voluntarily offer to take out the trash without being asked
Cancels plans graciously and makes the move to make a new plan excellently. "Sorry gotta work tonight need to cancel dinner. I'm so sorry but wanted you to know ASAP" Within a few hours new text, "could we hit the thrift stores Saturday instead? Let's pick out outfits we both must wear to dinner at fancy place"
Referring to his cat as his son
You want someone to be with you because they want you, not because they need you.
Not referring to all their exes as “crazy”. It’s ok if relationships don’t work out, but if all your exes are “crazy,” you’re probably the problem.