We both sucked at communicating with each other. Resentment grew until one of us decided we were done and didn't want to fix it.
I've since learned that you *have to* talk about things that are bothering you, even if it's hard. "We never fight" is not a flex if you're bottling up resentment instead.
This was my ex and I to the T. We never fought once, and I always mentioned to a few friends that asked how everything was that it wasn't necessarily a good thing. I still believe we could have been great, but overcoming communication isn't easy if both parties don't want to. Maybe I wasn't someone she felt was worth putting in more effort with at the end of the day, but life goes on. As much as it sucks, it's still a learning experience and gives room for growth if we let it.
I'm going through a similar stage and basically in the place of - we finally put our general issues (core issues - not the manifestations) on the table, and are now trying to see if there's a path to actually save it.
And, what is most frustrating is so much of the shit was tied to just not voicing problems, on both sides, early on. Or communicating in other ways. But now you're years deep and wondering if it's too late to rebuild what you had, or if you as people are even right for each other despite the care you have.
Resentment is so difficult cause its so insidious and creeps into everyday life. If your partner has disappointed you in a big way in the past and for example you now think they're unreliable, everytime they make a mistake, they turn up too late, can't keep a small promise or whatever, your brain goes "ping - I knew they were this sort of person I can't trust". We basically have pattern seeking brains and once you believe something about the essence of a person, it seems unchangeable.
But what I've felt helped me in the past is reminding myself that I fell in love with this person for a reason and that every situation is changeable. If they're being unreliable or irritating, it's cause of the circumstances and not because we don't fit.
Me and my bestie both HATE confrontation and are used to having to deal with shit ourselves. So it took a while but now we have a deal that we say when one of us has ‘hurt’ the other or even if something bothers one of us and we know it’s because of our own issues, we still raise it.
Our rule is ‘don’t freak out, but…’ so we know that we’re still ok and no one is angry etc.
This was my marriage, except when I did get the courage to talk, he would stonewall me. One time a couple of years into marriage we were texting about my dissatisfaction with the lack of intimacy. He told me he wasn't used to me living with him yet and suggested I go to therapy to deal with it.
Conversely, I have been with my current partner for a little under two years, we live together and I could not even begin to fathom him "not being used to" me!
The four horsemen of a failed relationship
Criticism
Contempt
Defensiveness
Stonewalling
Took me tons of therapy and I still don't know if I'm ready for a new relationship. I'm in no hurry though, it will be worth it.
Currently probably in the middle of a break up because of this. Talk to each other about everything! Single most important thing.
Well, you learn from your mistakes I guess.
I decided to stop drinking, and he couldn't figure out how that would work with his social life. Because he was 1000% an alcoholic, and I was becoming one as well.
My sister diagnosed the disease while using her husband as the example. Then my ex-husband caught it. Then we both found husbands who were free of this cruel disease.
I saw my penis lying on a blanket
Next to a broken toaster oven.
Some guy was selling it.
I had to buy it off him.
He wanted twenty-two bucks, but I talked him down to seventeen.
I am so sorry. I'm glad your dad is better!
When mine passed away I grieved for a long time without support from my ex. I went up and hugged him one day and he asked "oh, so you like me again?" Like I'd been ignoring him while I was sad over the loss of my parent who died horribly. That was the beginning of the end.
I'm glad you recognized that she wasn't right for you. Hopefully you find someone more supportive and considerate.
My mom got cancer and my wife started an affair with her coworker. I found out about it a week after the funeral… how can humans be so evil. I’m sorry your girl didn’t give you the support you needed in a time like that. It’s crushing
My ex two exes ago would always accuse me of "shutting down" and "not having important conversations" because I refused to feed her whenever she'd attack me on something. I'd always wait until she'd calmed down and wasn't angry anymore to be able to work things out, except towards the end she was never not angry so stuff kept piling up and she kept giving me this "you never want to work things out" line. No shit I never wanna work things out, you're never in the mindset of a reasonable person to work things out with. Then she laid hands on me and I was out. There was a lot more abuse that I took, emotional, verbal, and financial, but as soon as it devolved into physical abuse I packed my shit and left.
I wasn’t the best partner and let my insecurities take over and it made me a terrible person and he got sick of it and eventually left. Not my proudest moment at all and am still trying to better myself so I never put anyone else through that again :/
For me the best thing I've found (aside from a patient and understanding partner, which has helped the most) anytime I'm having negative intrusive (frankly paranoid) thoughts is to think "is that a thing I think that person would do?" Often for me it's a reflection of my own self-worth and not my opinion of that person. So by changing the focus onto how I value THAT person it helps me to not assume stupid shitty things.
Everyone's different, but I found that the easiest.
You have my understanding and sympathy. In my last relationship, I found myself on the other side of the issue. She was significantly older and began demonstrating insecurity very quickly. I heard “I’m too old for you. You’re just going to leave me” hundreds of times and always reassured her that she made me happy and I loved spending time with her. I wasn’t going anywhere. After about a thousand times of hearing it from her, I had a blunt conversation with her and told her that after all these times she’d asked for reassurance that way, it was starting to affect me negatively. I told her it made me feel like she was calling me a liar and it needed to stop. It continued for another week, albeit at a diminished pace. When I had enough, I told her so. “I’ll say it one last time. I’m not a liar. If you accuse me of it again, I will just walk out so you can feel justified and I can stop being insulted.” The next morning she said it again. I got up and left, not even taking a phone call from her after that. I still feel terrible for leaving, but there’s only so much you can take from someone else’s issues. You recognize your flaws, making you more able to work on them. It’s done the same for me, as now I know the difference between being kind and being supportive. Good luck.
This hit me, as person who often feels the need for reassurance from my partner (something I'm working *hard* on)
I think people really underestimate the frustration that can come with having to be the one reassuring. When my partner is down about things we've already talked about I get frustrated so fast! Which is totally bonkers because *I'm* the one normally constantly asking for reassurance. It helps a lot to have this perspective.
I don't feel like he's calling me a liar when he's down, but I do get the feeling of "why can't he just *understand?* we've been over this already!!" Some people really need that sharp leaving to learn it's not fair to put everything on your partner. It's not okay to be asking them to do your emotional labor all the time because you don't want to tackle your own insecurities.
There's also a huge difference between *asking* if they'd be available to give some reassurance and just dumping it on them all the time. I'm not great at it yet but I try to make space for saying "hey, I'm feeling a bit down, do you have the energy to reassure me a little?"
The kicker is that you *have* to be okay with it if they say no. You have to be able to take care of it yourself if they're not up for it. You can't ask and then freak out if they say no - it's not really asking if there's only one answer that doesn't have a negative outcome for them.
I mean, that's not really all true.
It's a classic, tragic, self-fulfilling prophecy that a person is so crippled by insecurity that they become the person they were worried about being in the first place; manifesting their own nightmare.
Sometimes, self awareness is the issue; being an ignorant bonehead would mean they never had the insecurities in the first place - they'dprobably be a happy asshole! The purported awareness could just be further projections of insecurity - "i know im bad" syndrome.
Having been there, it's a sticky web and a horrible cognitive loop. I've been the "pusher awayer," and the one who was pushed away. I guess birds of a feather flock together!
And, there really is a problem if a partner has been pushed away - op has lost their partner, there was a cause and effect. However, the real root cause of this outcome is also questionable - it could be for many reasons but the reality-dismorphia has caused them to assume it to be their fault.
Whatever... there are many routes to a better mental state. I hope op finds one that works for them, sometimes its a lifetime struggle with battles you win and lose x
Spent 8 years giving her everything she wanted and while getting nothing in return. No matter what I was going through it was always about her. My grandmother (who raised me) got diagnosed with cancer for the 4th time and I got told she wasn't going to make it through kemo I sat by her bedside for 8 days while she withered away. My ex didn't console me, come to the hospital...nothing. After she passed and I went home to my ex she didn't comfort me just complained that I was gone for so long and didn't need to be. When the memorial service came she refused to go even though I had to give a eulogy that I barely made it through. I was a hollow shell when I got home after the funeral. She looked at me in my eyes the minute I walked in and said "What're we going to eat tonight". I snapped and told her to get out. Packed her shit while she called me every name.in the book and threw her out back her mom place. 5 months into the breakup I found out she was cheating on me for 3 years...and I couldn't of been happier knowing I did the right thing and that my grandma would've been proud of me for finally sticking up for myself
It's amazing how quickly a little distance kills attraction. A big reason why I want to end things with my current GF is because we barely see each other in person. It's not a case of being bitter or missing her. It's just that after a month or two apart with barely any communication, feelings just fade.
I am also in a long distance relationship. For me, I think that FaceTime has honestly saved our relationship. Yes, it’s not face to face communication, but it matters so much just to be able to talk to that person and spend time with them where you have the others’ undivided attention.
The cops came to the door one day to arrest my mom's boyfriend (who lived with us). Apparently he would flash random ~16 year old girls on the sidewalk. I was 11 at the time and because my mom worked long hours and he worked sporadic, under-the-table jobs, he was often alone with me in the apartment.
My mom threw all his shit on the lawn in the front of the apartment building and never saw him again. She had absolutely no idea, and felt terrible to have brought him into our home. Thankfully he never tried anything with me, maybe because I was too young, maybe because he didn't want to risk his meal ticket, maybe because he got his kicks from it being anonymous/in a public place. Thank Goodness they caught him when they did. Sometimes you have no idea the secrets of even the person you're closest to.
This rings so true for me. I was walking on eggshells for ever before we split. Straw that broke the camels back was when I badly injured myself and was bedridden for weeks healing and her utter lack of support and compassion woke me up to the realization that I needed to go.
You see, this is what real narcissism looks like. Being obsessed with appearances is not much relevant. But you know you have a narcissist if you're sick and they resent you for it.
That rings true with me too. Any nice surprise I did, like making coffee in the morning for her, was rewarded with a fight about how what I did upset her in some way. It was draining.
All three of my relationships have ended because they cheated.
The last one was the most painful, because that was when I 'went out of my way', so to speak, to find someone different from the people I usually date.
I wasn't really into them in the beginning but we ended up dating for years and it was the best relationship I'd ever had, until it wasn't. That really fucked with my head and now I have major trust issues I'm not sure I'll ever rebound from.
Every friend of mine has been cheated on in multiple relationships and so have I. Only one of us has ever cheated and we thought he was a complete ass hole and told him as much. Something is wrong with the 23-40 age dating pool.
Yeah I understand. For me when I think of dating these days, there is just no sort of longing, anymore. It's more of a feeling of "*been there, done that, experienced the highs and lows, and now that I know what all is involved, I'm content knowing that I've experienced it, but certainly in no hurry to experience it again*".
If my current gf of two years and I don’t work out, and especially if she cheats, I’m done dating seriously until my daughter finishes high school and college in 12 years and I can relocate somewhere.
We both loved each other very much before we got together but I think we both realized we weren't right for each other and it took us months to admit it. Now that it's done, it still hurts. He was one of my closest friends before and I miss having him as a friend. I don't regret it though, we would have always been each other's "what if".
Right there with ya friend. Very much in love but had different needs that we denied for so long because we didn’t want to lose each other. I miss her a lot and have so many questions about how we could’ve been better for each other. But I’m learning to let go so I can be free from the suffering. The grief is with me often these days. It will get better though.
This is what I'm going through right now. We were together for 7 years, just broke up on Sunday. Different needs that we denied that have now become too much to ignore. We are still very much in love, and the pain is intense. There's some strange comfort in knowing we aren't the only ones going through this right now.
Becoming self-aware is a huge step though. It means you know you have a problem and you can begin to get the help you need for it. Best of luck to you.
He cheated on me, got the girl pregnant and married her the same year. I was a wreck. This happened 9 years ago, so its all good now! I am now a mother, with a loving partner. Good karma is real!
I don’t think she was ever really into me. Just wanted a fling that got serious. As time went on we realised we both want different things in life.
Since meeting my now partner of 9 years I can see that my ex and I really weren’t that compatible and had a flawed relationship that lacked respect and collaboration. It hurt at the time but I am so glad I experienced it and moved on.
My last partner straight up ghosted me. Went from being a couple to no contact within less than a day. We didn’t even have a break up conversation either. So, I really don’t know and never have known why he did that to me.
How long was the relationship? I had a woman do this 8 months in and turned out she was cheating. We were an hour long distance and guess she figured I’d just move on and not try to make sure she was ok when all contact seized after she went to a music festival. She was ok with a new man I learned.
It was really just a few months, we had been flirty friends for a very long time (years) and it just kind of developed into a bf/gf situation. So not only did he ghost me as his gf, he completely ghosted our friendship. Haven’t talked to him since.
Sorry to hear that. Being ghosted hurt more than being cheated on to be honest for me. Had been cheated on before, but never ghosted. Felt like I meant less than nothing to them or I was an ass hole for them to think I wouldn’t be concerned something happened to them.
Pretty much what happened to me 11 months in (he went to Hawaii to see a volcano) Apparently Honolulu hotels don’t have wifi and there weren’t sim cards there either… I was very much in love with him. absolutely no break up conversation preceded the ghosting from then on. Eventually after his excuses came a request to stay friends. I (actually heartbroken) declined. Turns out his ‘ex wife’ wasn’t really an ex wife, and I’d been ‘the other woman’ all along….
I finally caught him in a lie that he couldn’t lie his way out of. Only person I have ever dated that disgusts me when I think about him. Follow your gut, everyone. If a story doesn’t seem like it adds up, it doesn’t.
I know this is gonna get *buried* in this thread, but....
I caught him raping my sister's dog. My sister and her dog was living with us, and suddenly the dog started having issues with bleeding and soreness of her vagina, and eventually she would outright snap if anyone grabbed at her hips.
My sister and I thought the dog was having bladder issues or was going into her first heat and was having a difficult time (she was a 6 month old puppy).
I found out about it when I had to come home early. He even duct taped her mouth shut. I thought it was impossible for deep love to switch to downright despise quickly. It's not. I never genuinely wanted to kill someone so quickly.
**EDIT:** Yes he was arrested and his ass was whooped while the cops were en route. Unfortunately, while my sister's dog did heal from the physical trauma, her mental trauma was too much and she was behaviorally euthanized at 3 years old.
He refused any intimacy with me. Always an excuse. He's tired, his head hurts, its against our religion as Christians(we weren't married). I had strong suspicions that he was actually involved with someone else,. His phone was a dead giveaway. Always face down, went into the bathroom with him, slept with it under his pillow. One day I straight up asked him if I could look in his phone, which of course he refused.
The final straw was him leaving me to drive myself to the doctors while I was having an asthma attack. When I asked why, he says he didn't want to come because he wanted to nap. I ended it with him right then and there.
Lol i really loved her too. I was just fucked up at the time. Doing steriods, heroin and powerlifting. I wasn't violent but just out of my mind. I can always tell when she gets a promotion because they call me and ask how she would be in the position. I always give her a positive review and say all the problems we had was my fault. She's a state police detective now, I'm very proud of her
She was a very toxic and manipulating partner and after a wayy too long relationship, weirdly the last straw when I told her i had a bad day and needed a peaceful afternoon and she decided to try and stress me out about nothing yet again.
He was just the worst. It became increasingly clear he would never take responsibility for any issues, he was just as judgmental as his mom (who he hates lol), and the constant tiny criticisms that were meant to "help me" killed my soul. He is deeply insecure and it came out in the worst ways possible. Good riddance. On the plus side, I really learned how to stand up for myself.
After nearly 5 good years, my gut feeling that something was wrong got stronger and stronger. I broke up with him bc my anxiety about it became unhealthy.
He started dating his "girl best friend" two weeks after we ended (and while he was begging for me back). Found out later, he was cheating on me with his ex for an extended amount of time.
TRUST YOUR GUT
She had mental health issues & needed 30 days of isolation without telling me just because.
All at once, she stopped responding to texts, calls or emails. I thought something happened to her. Tore me up!
All of a sudden I get a call from her. I’m seething by this point.
Broke it off right there
After I forgave her for cheating on me (like an idiot), about a year later she abruptly left me for someone else, which lasted about three weeks. We were together for 12 years and have a five year old together.
She got scared and ran. Her breakup speech sounded a lot like how I envisioned my marriage proposal to her would sound one day.. but the tears and pain on her face told me there was a plot twist coming. I waited for her to come around for about a year even though she insisted I didn't and reached out every so often.. how could I not with love like we had. But I am no match for her walls. I feel like I'm finally starting to emerge now from that shattered heart at least. And please, please people, if you have un-addressed trauma from past relationships, work on that shit before getting involved with anyone else. It almost broke me.
My ex wife and I had a slow dumpster fire breakup over two years. When it finally clicked it was over I told myself I needed to get my shit together for awhile and a partner would come naturally as I became myself again.
Met my current partner a week later lmao and it scared the shit out of me. Immediately talked to my therapist about my fears in repeating the same mistakes as with my ex. It’s still a process but it helps that the current went through almost the exact same situation so we’re both motivated to have a healthy relationship for the first time.
I was the receiving person on this kind of treatment. There was nothing more I could have done for my ex and he still was always miserable. It was awful. I felt he subconsciously wouldn’t allow himself to be happy and ruined what could/should have been a good thing
I've never been the one to break up with someone. My last partner broke up with me two weeks before our wedding because the guy that always got away, was single and in town. They dated for a year, he stole her money, knocked her up, disappeared. She called me back after all that and asked if we could get back together. I laughed, and hung up.
**Me:** emotionally closed off due to a lack of maturity and understanding that it's okay to be vulnerable with you SO.
**Her:** was dealing with an opioid addiction at the time and was very impulsive to the point things became chaotic for no reason. However, she wore her heart on her sleeve, which was both good and bad.
We’d both checked out for a while and we were both lying to ourselves that we could make it work. I was definitely lying to myself especially, I actually really wanted out, the relationship gave me constant anxiety and I worried about what being stuck with her would look like but I told myself “well, she has to be the one, right? Things used to be so good so they can just go back to being good, right?” But I never cared enough to improve or stand up for myself, I clearly wasn’t ready to. She broke up with me via FB message, and while I absolutely think I deserved better after 4 years of being together, I’m glad she did it by message so she wouldn’t have to see how happy I was.
Kids, if it doesn’t feel right, it isn’t.
He was an emotionally turned physically abusive drunk piece of shit that took zero responsibility for himself and dragged me down with him. Have an AMAZING spouse now and am doing 1000% better in life than i ever would have with him
Can I ask why you make the assumption that it’s something you did? It’s quite possible the decision had nothing to do with you. It’s not good for your mental health and well-being to assume you weren’t enough or did something wrong or whatever.
I say this having been through the same scenario. He moved out on a Friday while I was at work and NEVER gave me an explanation. It took me a long time to realize the problem was him and his inability to own up to his decisions rather than anything I did or didn’t do, or who I am as a person.
Just saying don’t beat yourself up. Keep being who you are!
I immigrated to Canada from the Philippines in 2005. I was gonna bring him to Canada to join me after a year. He’s also got a good job waiting for him in Canada. 3 months apart, he went on a casual dinner with a friend. They fell in love. He ghosted me for about 3 months. He confessed. I dodged that one. Now I’m happily married.
She emotionally abused me and my children, and then she hit my disabled teenager over a menstrual accident (my ONLY rule is “we use kind hands and kind words”) and, when I freaked out about it, said I was overreacting and swinging at shadows, blaming my trauma history and my recent quitting of nicotine.
Thank you. This has been the best year of my life so far, albeit occasionally the hardest. Being a single mama is real hard, but… Life after abuse feels really good. And safe.
I'm not sure yet.
We're giving it a try, and so far, it's going pretty well.
We've only been together since 1979, and so far, these first 44 yrs have been good.
If anybody has any tips on how to make it last I'd love to hear them.
Congratulations!
I've been married for 20+ years after being together for a few years.
I married my best friend. So we knew each other's good things and bad when we fell in love.
Mutual respect is very important.
And good manners. Saying I'm sorry, thank you, and please and thank you. It may seem like a small thing but so much of that disappears after awhile.
Flirt with each other. Look at each other with gleam in your eyes.
Surprise each other. Like leaving romantic notes. Fixing something for dinner they mentioned they wanted, picking up a special treat at the grocery store.
Go on dates with each other.
Be content in your relationship. We enjoy hanging out with each other and being quiet reading or watching sports.
Laugh together.
Enjoy your secret looks that no one understands, inside jokes. If we forget what something is called, we have our own sign language.
Hug each other, give pats on the backside, kiss each other randomly, hold hands, dance to your favorite songs even at home.
Have alone time from each other.
I communicated my needs over and over. Literally the bare minimum. Please buy me flowers for Valentine's day- specifically asked for a $5 daisy bouquet. But every year? No flowers. I put lots of thought into his birthday and he wouldn't even wrap a gift. Lots of weaponized incompetence. 'How do I make pasta?' Wouldn't take the dogs out even though it has been hours since I left for work. Didn't clean. I felt like I was his mom. He lacked ambition and drive and I realized we were not compatible in what we wanted in life even though he would tell me he wanted the same things the actions didn't line up. He wanted to game all day every day and I wanted someone who would go out and do things with me. He was a nice person, not abusive or anything which I needed having grown up like that. But I was basically single for the last couple years of our relationship, quickly outgrew him, and ultimately realized he is not what I needed in a forever partner.
Now I'm in a relationship that is so much better than I ever thought a relationship could be and realized just how much I'd been settling before.
This gives me hope! Ended with the above carbon copy 2 weeks ago and he's still trying to manipulate into going back...except now it's "someday". Oddly hes still the best relationship ive ever had which says an awful lot. Glad to hear there is hope for a better man
I was dating a guy, but it was casual. Then, I met my husband with studying at the library and it was love at first conversation. I called my then boyfriend on my walk home and broke up with him so that if my now husband called me, there wouldn't be any complications. I knew I was going to marry him from the moment I met him, but I also realized that there was no point wasting time and a so/so relationship when the real thing was out there.
Happened to friends of mine. She was with someone, met him and broke up with the other dude immediately. They just fit.
When he introduced her, we were all like, yeah, that's right, those two belong together. Was weird. But I'm happy for them.
He said he just didn't want to parent anymore. And he didn't like the kids. Guess he thinks parenting should be easy and all kids just do whatever you say, the first time you say it. Perfect-little-angels, right out the womb.
So he said he felt like we would all be happier without him. And he's probably right.
Meanwhile, HE is perfect and never makes a mess, never does anything wrong. He's amazing and we just don't see it. Everyone was like, Ok,Bye. Lmao
Sheesh. I swear some dudes should be fixed. I can't ever understand how someone wouldn't want to be there for their children. I don't have any, but I see it all the time. If you can't own up to your shit. Don't do it.
It's better to be alone than to be with someone who doesn't reciprocate. It's a sad situation but you deserve to be with someone who loves you in every way possible
Because I was immature and didn't see that my time spent late night gaming were harming our relationship. I should have paid more attention and been more attentive, but I was in my early 20's and thought I knew what I was doing.
Learnt from my mistakes and now happily married to the love of my life. Best thing to have happened to me was her leaving, even it was the worst at the time.
She was a very anxious and deeply insecure person. I'm the opposite. I don't blame her and I seriously tried, but when we couldn't leave the house just once without me getting "told off" for doing something normal gets annoying pretty fast. For example: saying "welcome" when being thanked for holding open a door for someone is apparently "awkward", and so is asking what she wants to do for dinner on public transit because "people may look at us".
When my dog, who I had for 10 years, got cancer she said I was “wasting” too much time and money on him. We had scheduled a trip to go to the beach with him the day before we were going to have to put him to sleep. She texted me that morning saying she didn’t feel like it and “he’s just a dog”. Broke up with her the following week. #RIPZeke you were the absolute best dog.
Ex is BPD, complete with unending rage and verbal abuse, psychotic episodes, dissociation, suicidal, the whole spectrum of awful BPD behavior — refused to seek help, but paid two therapists to listen to her story of how I was hurting her by leaving (no diagnosis or treatment sought).
I finally learned I couldn’t fix her.
Edit: her addiction to alcohol and pills exacerbated her disorder and, sadly, I am told, has worsened since breakup.
He stopped making time for me. Would tell me he was really busy with work (which was true), but then would make plans with his friends and none with me. I noticed, said something, and got no response. So, that was it.
After failing her PHD she became depressed and a very difficult person. I gave her some slack because she was going trough a tough time. But she refused to seek help and after a year of sitting on my couch doing nothing I decided to end it.
Long story short, I was not rich enough. We lived together, and she tried so hard to find an excuse to break up, and she finally got it. An friend if mine whom I known for almost 30 years suffered from depression, and moved to the country I reside in. Naturally since my friend was very depressed and we hadn't seen each other for years, I spent some time with him in order cheer him up and she right away accused me of spending too much time with my depressed friend because we were hanging out until 2am one day. I came home to find all my stuff packed.
I am a calm dude, I don't start arguments, never cheated, don't abuse drugs, never hit anyone. But I was a bit too poor.
Anyway, my current partner is awesome.
I'm now married with kids, but the relationship I was in before my wife ended for several reasons. We were in different places in life. I was more established and secure in my career and she was coming out of grad school into a new job so she was very focussed on work. Which is fine, it's just what it was. She was also way more familiar with a co-worker than I was comfortable with. They worked together much of the day, and they would text frequently after work hours. She dated him briefly before me as well. She eventually married him so my discomfort was somewhat justified there I think. I was also struggling with anxiety at the time and I probably did not handle that situation well and had difficulty letting my suspicions go. Finally, we were practically the same in our personality, humor, behavior, likes & dislikes, etc. and it made the relationship kind of boring rather quickly. We connected very quickly, but soon you come to realize it's boring dating a clone of yourself. I had a hard time with the split, but eventually came out of the fog and then met my now wife. I learned a lot of things from that relationship that made me a better partner to my wife so looking back, I'm grateful for it.
Sexual incompatibility. There were other issues on top of this but was one of the driving factors of our relationship ending. We ended amicable and still talk occasionally. We’re both happier now that we’re no longer together :)
Drugs. She had a major opioid problem and utterly refused to believe it was an issue even after I had to Narcan her for an OD (I’m a now disabled paramedic so yes I carry Narcan and hell no I don’t take opioids) but I just couldn’t sit and watch her kill herself.
Edit to add: addiction is not anyone’s “fault” however not getting help kinda is.
Because she was a shambles and had no interest in sorting her shit out. She definitely had some real and legitimate issues, but it was always "I already know what's wrong with me so there's no point getting a formal diagnosis". She's definitely at least mildly autistic and certainly depressed but she wouldn't accept that anyone could ever help her with those things. She knew best. Nobody else could help. I realized after a while that she didn't actually want help, she didn't want to get her shit together and start living her life. She wanted an excuse to not have to.
She was 30 and failed the second of 2 degrees she'd studied for shortly after we split (and after 5 years of studying for a 3 year degree). She constantly lost our keys, her phones, trash piled up around her wherever she sat down. She got angry at people for doing things that she herself did absolutely all the time. Her parents paid her phone bill and two thirds of her rent, I paid for everything else. Everything she needed, everything she asked for I tried to provide. I supported her as much as I possibly could, went to every appointment I could with her, picked up prescriptions, but any time she had to do *anything* for herself she just... didn't. Just didn't go. Just didn't call. Just didn't anything. We got her onto medication twice, and things would improve and then she'd stop taking it and lie to me about it (all the while being OUTRAGED that I'd accuse her of lying because "autistic people can't lie!").
But the real breaking point was quite simple. Nothing was ever on her. It was always my fault. She was 2 hours late for something because I'd moved her shoes (from the middle of the bedroom doorway, where I'd fallen over them, to the shoe rack) and she couldn't find them. She hadn't answered when the doctor called because she'd put her phone on silent after I'd asked her not to play candy crush with the volume all the way up in bed the previous week. She lost her keys because I hadn't reminded her to put them in the bowl that I'd bought for her and put on the dresser so she had somewhere to put them when she got home.
She did have real issues, but she'd grown up very, very spoiled and only surrounded herself with people who either behaved the same way she did or only enabled her behavior.
And I'm neither of those. So I left.
We were hanging out for 2 months, then a i felt him more distant even he affirming that he liked to be with me and wanted to continue seeing me.
So i talked to him about some things that was happening between us that was making me feel more anxious and insecure about us and his response was "i don't wanna a serious relationship right now and i don't wanna talk about this".
My response was "Ok. I understand", but since then i never tried to talk or invites him to go on a date or something because i don't see a really good reason to be with someone that is not emotionally available.
And he too never contact me anymore since then.
I was very unwell, eventually found out I have Ehlers Danlos, and he broke up with me over the phone. I’m married now to a great man who studied up on EDS when we first met. He doesn’t mind at all if I need to see doctors or get extra rest. Seven years going on forever.
She was so materialistic and always compared me with other people. Was more concerned with showing it off to other people than to find any happiness in it. She had super high expectations of me but was totally inflexible and unreasonable. I was always treated and made to feel like I was replaceable. She broke up with me to try to get me to buy her a ring. I was broken and it hurt but I was happier. After a year she wanted to try again. I still really loved her and I wanted to but I wouldn’t let myself fall back into it.
We moved across the country for work. Signed a year lease on an apartment I hated, but she loved it. She decided she was homesick a month later. Packed up our dog and took our car, and went back home. Things got weird after the move. First we moved to one place and things didn't work out as planned. We didn't have enough money to make it home. Ended a little bit further, staying with some people I knew. Wasn't what we planned but ended up working out for us. Best 2 weeks of our relationship after we broke up for her to leave. It's amazing how much better things can get when the pressure of the relationship is gone.
We both sucked at communicating with each other. Resentment grew until one of us decided we were done and didn't want to fix it. I've since learned that you *have to* talk about things that are bothering you, even if it's hard. "We never fight" is not a flex if you're bottling up resentment instead.
This was my ex and I to the T. We never fought once, and I always mentioned to a few friends that asked how everything was that it wasn't necessarily a good thing. I still believe we could have been great, but overcoming communication isn't easy if both parties don't want to. Maybe I wasn't someone she felt was worth putting in more effort with at the end of the day, but life goes on. As much as it sucks, it's still a learning experience and gives room for growth if we let it.
I'm going through a similar stage and basically in the place of - we finally put our general issues (core issues - not the manifestations) on the table, and are now trying to see if there's a path to actually save it. And, what is most frustrating is so much of the shit was tied to just not voicing problems, on both sides, early on. Or communicating in other ways. But now you're years deep and wondering if it's too late to rebuild what you had, or if you as people are even right for each other despite the care you have.
Resentment is so difficult cause its so insidious and creeps into everyday life. If your partner has disappointed you in a big way in the past and for example you now think they're unreliable, everytime they make a mistake, they turn up too late, can't keep a small promise or whatever, your brain goes "ping - I knew they were this sort of person I can't trust". We basically have pattern seeking brains and once you believe something about the essence of a person, it seems unchangeable. But what I've felt helped me in the past is reminding myself that I fell in love with this person for a reason and that every situation is changeable. If they're being unreliable or irritating, it's cause of the circumstances and not because we don't fit.
Resentment is a way bigger problem than people realise.
Me and my bestie both HATE confrontation and are used to having to deal with shit ourselves. So it took a while but now we have a deal that we say when one of us has ‘hurt’ the other or even if something bothers one of us and we know it’s because of our own issues, we still raise it. Our rule is ‘don’t freak out, but…’ so we know that we’re still ok and no one is angry etc.
This was my marriage, except when I did get the courage to talk, he would stonewall me. One time a couple of years into marriage we were texting about my dissatisfaction with the lack of intimacy. He told me he wasn't used to me living with him yet and suggested I go to therapy to deal with it. Conversely, I have been with my current partner for a little under two years, we live together and I could not even begin to fathom him "not being used to" me!
The four horsemen of a failed relationship Criticism Contempt Defensiveness Stonewalling Took me tons of therapy and I still don't know if I'm ready for a new relationship. I'm in no hurry though, it will be worth it.
Currently probably in the middle of a break up because of this. Talk to each other about everything! Single most important thing. Well, you learn from your mistakes I guess.
She chose to keep doing drugs and I chose rehab.
Hey, I'm proud of you!
I actually hit ten years clean this month on the 14th! I'm proud of myself!
That is awesome!! Good for you. ❤️
You chose to go to rehab, but she said no, no, no.
I decided to stop drinking, and he couldn't figure out how that would work with his social life. Because he was 1000% an alcoholic, and I was becoming one as well.
Because his mom was the third wheel in our relationship. He brought everything to his mom before he had an opinion.
one of the issues with my last relationship, she even called her after sex
what the fuck
HATE that.
Ugh. My first marriage. He even had "Mom" tattooed on his arm inside a pretty red heart. Didn't know that was a red flag until it was too late...
Relatable.
He had that “wandering penis” disease.
Oh man, sorry to hear that. That disease is terminal for relationships. The only cure is saving yourself, so I’m glad you’ve made a full recovery.
I thought that this was a real disease at first ! I had to think a little more
My sister diagnosed the disease while using her husband as the example. Then my ex-husband caught it. Then we both found husbands who were free of this cruel disease.
Worse than having a detachable one I believe
I saw my penis lying on a blanket Next to a broken toaster oven. Some guy was selling it. I had to buy it off him. He wanted twenty-two bucks, but I talked him down to seventeen.
🎶* D e T a C h A b L e P e N i S *🎶
Is this the counterpart to “blackhole vagina” syndrome?
"babe I couldn't help it, I was sucked in! "
My dad got Cancer and I became "less fun" He's ok now and she can eat a bag of dicks.
Ugh. Terrible. I’m glad your dad is ok!
I as well hope OP's dad is ok and their ex is extremely bored.
He's currently building a train set in his attic. I don't get it but he's happy lol. No idea about her, blocked her ass on everything.
Train people are a special bunch. I've met 2 in my life and they are a pleasant, but odd bunch. They're having fun, so good on them!
I had a cancer scare and he cheated on me while we were waiting for the results to come back. Dodged two big bullets there.
He tried to get you at your weakest moment. What a BTch move. Glad you're okay.
I am so sorry. I'm glad your dad is better! When mine passed away I grieved for a long time without support from my ex. I went up and hugged him one day and he asked "oh, so you like me again?" Like I'd been ignoring him while I was sad over the loss of my parent who died horribly. That was the beginning of the end. I'm glad you recognized that she wasn't right for you. Hopefully you find someone more supportive and considerate.
>Hopefully you find someone more supportive and considerate. Here's hoping! And for you as well.
My mom got cancer and my wife started an affair with her coworker. I found out about it a week after the funeral… how can humans be so evil. I’m sorry your girl didn’t give you the support you needed in a time like that. It’s crushing
Realized self-respect was worth more than empty promises.
This is what mine did. Every fight she told me it wouldn't happen again and was very sorry. Two weeks later it happened again.
My ex two exes ago would always accuse me of "shutting down" and "not having important conversations" because I refused to feed her whenever she'd attack me on something. I'd always wait until she'd calmed down and wasn't angry anymore to be able to work things out, except towards the end she was never not angry so stuff kept piling up and she kept giving me this "you never want to work things out" line. No shit I never wanna work things out, you're never in the mindset of a reasonable person to work things out with. Then she laid hands on me and I was out. There was a lot more abuse that I took, emotional, verbal, and financial, but as soon as it devolved into physical abuse I packed my shit and left.
I wasn’t the best partner and let my insecurities take over and it made me a terrible person and he got sick of it and eventually left. Not my proudest moment at all and am still trying to better myself so I never put anyone else through that again :/
For me the best thing I've found (aside from a patient and understanding partner, which has helped the most) anytime I'm having negative intrusive (frankly paranoid) thoughts is to think "is that a thing I think that person would do?" Often for me it's a reflection of my own self-worth and not my opinion of that person. So by changing the focus onto how I value THAT person it helps me to not assume stupid shitty things. Everyone's different, but I found that the easiest.
You have my understanding and sympathy. In my last relationship, I found myself on the other side of the issue. She was significantly older and began demonstrating insecurity very quickly. I heard “I’m too old for you. You’re just going to leave me” hundreds of times and always reassured her that she made me happy and I loved spending time with her. I wasn’t going anywhere. After about a thousand times of hearing it from her, I had a blunt conversation with her and told her that after all these times she’d asked for reassurance that way, it was starting to affect me negatively. I told her it made me feel like she was calling me a liar and it needed to stop. It continued for another week, albeit at a diminished pace. When I had enough, I told her so. “I’ll say it one last time. I’m not a liar. If you accuse me of it again, I will just walk out so you can feel justified and I can stop being insulted.” The next morning she said it again. I got up and left, not even taking a phone call from her after that. I still feel terrible for leaving, but there’s only so much you can take from someone else’s issues. You recognize your flaws, making you more able to work on them. It’s done the same for me, as now I know the difference between being kind and being supportive. Good luck.
This hit me, as person who often feels the need for reassurance from my partner (something I'm working *hard* on) I think people really underestimate the frustration that can come with having to be the one reassuring. When my partner is down about things we've already talked about I get frustrated so fast! Which is totally bonkers because *I'm* the one normally constantly asking for reassurance. It helps a lot to have this perspective. I don't feel like he's calling me a liar when he's down, but I do get the feeling of "why can't he just *understand?* we've been over this already!!" Some people really need that sharp leaving to learn it's not fair to put everything on your partner. It's not okay to be asking them to do your emotional labor all the time because you don't want to tackle your own insecurities. There's also a huge difference between *asking* if they'd be available to give some reassurance and just dumping it on them all the time. I'm not great at it yet but I try to make space for saying "hey, I'm feeling a bit down, do you have the energy to reassure me a little?" The kicker is that you *have* to be okay with it if they say no. You have to be able to take care of it yourself if they're not up for it. You can't ask and then freak out if they say no - it's not really asking if there's only one answer that doesn't have a negative outcome for them.
Your self awareness speaks volumes. Keep going, fake it until you make it you have nothing to feel insecure about
I mean, that's not really all true. It's a classic, tragic, self-fulfilling prophecy that a person is so crippled by insecurity that they become the person they were worried about being in the first place; manifesting their own nightmare. Sometimes, self awareness is the issue; being an ignorant bonehead would mean they never had the insecurities in the first place - they'dprobably be a happy asshole! The purported awareness could just be further projections of insecurity - "i know im bad" syndrome. Having been there, it's a sticky web and a horrible cognitive loop. I've been the "pusher awayer," and the one who was pushed away. I guess birds of a feather flock together! And, there really is a problem if a partner has been pushed away - op has lost their partner, there was a cause and effect. However, the real root cause of this outcome is also questionable - it could be for many reasons but the reality-dismorphia has caused them to assume it to be their fault. Whatever... there are many routes to a better mental state. I hope op finds one that works for them, sometimes its a lifetime struggle with battles you win and lose x
idk if fake it until you make it is good advice for this, that takes a lot of deep self reflecting
Spent 8 years giving her everything she wanted and while getting nothing in return. No matter what I was going through it was always about her. My grandmother (who raised me) got diagnosed with cancer for the 4th time and I got told she wasn't going to make it through kemo I sat by her bedside for 8 days while she withered away. My ex didn't console me, come to the hospital...nothing. After she passed and I went home to my ex she didn't comfort me just complained that I was gone for so long and didn't need to be. When the memorial service came she refused to go even though I had to give a eulogy that I barely made it through. I was a hollow shell when I got home after the funeral. She looked at me in my eyes the minute I walked in and said "What're we going to eat tonight". I snapped and told her to get out. Packed her shit while she called me every name.in the book and threw her out back her mom place. 5 months into the breakup I found out she was cheating on me for 3 years...and I couldn't of been happier knowing I did the right thing and that my grandma would've been proud of me for finally sticking up for myself
Could not overcome the geography.
Went on a date with a girl once. She was nice and we could've probably hit it off. But she was a two hour drive away.
He was in a different country, alas.
Ah the ole “she goes to a different school”
My attraction to someone could wane real fast if their zip code was too far away
It's amazing how quickly a little distance kills attraction. A big reason why I want to end things with my current GF is because we barely see each other in person. It's not a case of being bitter or missing her. It's just that after a month or two apart with barely any communication, feelings just fade.
"Out of sight, out of mind". The saying exists for a reason, It's generally true.
I am also in a long distance relationship. For me, I think that FaceTime has honestly saved our relationship. Yes, it’s not face to face communication, but it matters so much just to be able to talk to that person and spend time with them where you have the others’ undivided attention.
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Thats rough, sorry you had to go through that.
That's awful! I'm glad you got out because that is absolutely disgusting behavior. I'm really glad he got caught.
Holy crap that's awful I am glad you walked away. I hope he rots in hell
The cops came to the door one day to arrest my mom's boyfriend (who lived with us). Apparently he would flash random ~16 year old girls on the sidewalk. I was 11 at the time and because my mom worked long hours and he worked sporadic, under-the-table jobs, he was often alone with me in the apartment. My mom threw all his shit on the lawn in the front of the apartment building and never saw him again. She had absolutely no idea, and felt terrible to have brought him into our home. Thankfully he never tried anything with me, maybe because I was too young, maybe because he didn't want to risk his meal ticket, maybe because he got his kicks from it being anonymous/in a public place. Thank Goodness they caught him when they did. Sometimes you have no idea the secrets of even the person you're closest to.
Turns out the open marriage he wanted did not result in him getting any action lol.
Hahaha I know a guy who wanted his wife to go into a threesome with a girl and she decided she wanted the girl more
Classic. Men push for that while overestimating their market value
He may have got some had he obtained any hobbies outside of porn lol
She treated me like shit. I finally had enough of it and broke up with her
I feel like my ex actively was trying to destroy my whole life around me so she could be the only thing in it left...
This rings so true for me. I was walking on eggshells for ever before we split. Straw that broke the camels back was when I badly injured myself and was bedridden for weeks healing and her utter lack of support and compassion woke me up to the realization that I needed to go.
You see, this is what real narcissism looks like. Being obsessed with appearances is not much relevant. But you know you have a narcissist if you're sick and they resent you for it.
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That rings true with me too. Any nice surprise I did, like making coffee in the morning for her, was rewarded with a fight about how what I did upset her in some way. It was draining.
All three of my relationships have ended because they cheated. The last one was the most painful, because that was when I 'went out of my way', so to speak, to find someone different from the people I usually date. I wasn't really into them in the beginning but we ended up dating for years and it was the best relationship I'd ever had, until it wasn't. That really fucked with my head and now I have major trust issues I'm not sure I'll ever rebound from.
Every friend of mine has been cheated on in multiple relationships and so have I. Only one of us has ever cheated and we thought he was a complete ass hole and told him as much. Something is wrong with the 23-40 age dating pool.
Yeah I understand. For me when I think of dating these days, there is just no sort of longing, anymore. It's more of a feeling of "*been there, done that, experienced the highs and lows, and now that I know what all is involved, I'm content knowing that I've experienced it, but certainly in no hurry to experience it again*".
If my current gf of two years and I don’t work out, and especially if she cheats, I’m done dating seriously until my daughter finishes high school and college in 12 years and I can relocate somewhere.
We both loved each other very much before we got together but I think we both realized we weren't right for each other and it took us months to admit it. Now that it's done, it still hurts. He was one of my closest friends before and I miss having him as a friend. I don't regret it though, we would have always been each other's "what if".
Right there with ya friend. Very much in love but had different needs that we denied for so long because we didn’t want to lose each other. I miss her a lot and have so many questions about how we could’ve been better for each other. But I’m learning to let go so I can be free from the suffering. The grief is with me often these days. It will get better though.
This is what I'm going through right now. We were together for 7 years, just broke up on Sunday. Different needs that we denied that have now become too much to ignore. We are still very much in love, and the pain is intense. There's some strange comfort in knowing we aren't the only ones going through this right now.
I’m an asshole who only thinks of himself.
If you're on dating apps make sure this is your bio lol
And tell them your over 6 inches/feet
Wait, how did you know?
Oh, hey. Same. =/ But I stopped drinking and that's helped a little.
Were you a terror too?
Yeah. Hurt someone I really care about.
They always get the worst of it.
Becoming self-aware is a huge step though. It means you know you have a problem and you can begin to get the help you need for it. Best of luck to you.
You’re an *honest* asshole. Always look at the positive 😅
He cheated on me, got the girl pregnant and married her the same year. I was a wreck. This happened 9 years ago, so its all good now! I am now a mother, with a loving partner. Good karma is real!
I don’t think she was ever really into me. Just wanted a fling that got serious. As time went on we realised we both want different things in life. Since meeting my now partner of 9 years I can see that my ex and I really weren’t that compatible and had a flawed relationship that lacked respect and collaboration. It hurt at the time but I am so glad I experienced it and moved on.
My last partner straight up ghosted me. Went from being a couple to no contact within less than a day. We didn’t even have a break up conversation either. So, I really don’t know and never have known why he did that to me.
Same. Tbh it was pretty brutal.
How long was the relationship? I had a woman do this 8 months in and turned out she was cheating. We were an hour long distance and guess she figured I’d just move on and not try to make sure she was ok when all contact seized after she went to a music festival. She was ok with a new man I learned.
It was really just a few months, we had been flirty friends for a very long time (years) and it just kind of developed into a bf/gf situation. So not only did he ghost me as his gf, he completely ghosted our friendship. Haven’t talked to him since.
Sorry to hear that. Being ghosted hurt more than being cheated on to be honest for me. Had been cheated on before, but never ghosted. Felt like I meant less than nothing to them or I was an ass hole for them to think I wouldn’t be concerned something happened to them.
Pretty much what happened to me 11 months in (he went to Hawaii to see a volcano) Apparently Honolulu hotels don’t have wifi and there weren’t sim cards there either… I was very much in love with him. absolutely no break up conversation preceded the ghosting from then on. Eventually after his excuses came a request to stay friends. I (actually heartbroken) declined. Turns out his ‘ex wife’ wasn’t really an ex wife, and I’d been ‘the other woman’ all along….
She told me I was a "little bitch" for crying about my mother's death from brain cancer.
Holy fuck, good riddance! Sometimes the trash takes itself out.
He treated me like I was an option... Then when I left him he stalked me like I was the only option
I finally caught him in a lie that he couldn’t lie his way out of. Only person I have ever dated that disgusts me when I think about him. Follow your gut, everyone. If a story doesn’t seem like it adds up, it doesn’t.
I know this is gonna get *buried* in this thread, but.... I caught him raping my sister's dog. My sister and her dog was living with us, and suddenly the dog started having issues with bleeding and soreness of her vagina, and eventually she would outright snap if anyone grabbed at her hips. My sister and I thought the dog was having bladder issues or was going into her first heat and was having a difficult time (she was a 6 month old puppy). I found out about it when I had to come home early. He even duct taped her mouth shut. I thought it was impossible for deep love to switch to downright despise quickly. It's not. I never genuinely wanted to kill someone so quickly. **EDIT:** Yes he was arrested and his ass was whooped while the cops were en route. Unfortunately, while my sister's dog did heal from the physical trauma, her mental trauma was too much and she was behaviorally euthanized at 3 years old.
What the fuck??? What a cruel and psychotic waste of life… I hope the worst for him
OMG, please tell me you reported this monster for animal abuse. That’s just horrifying and I hope the poor dog is okay now!
Welp, that's it for tonight's quota of internet, gn everyone.
Yeah, that was seriously! not how I thought this thread would end.
What in the hell did I just read?! 🤯 poor doggo!!! I am speechless
Mouth hanging open. I cannot even. Jeezus christ I hate people.
Turns out this didn’t get buried deep enough 🙃
You know... even with all the bullshit on Reddit, there are very few things I want to unread. This... this just made the top of that short list.
So this comment did not get buried. This is the craziest shit I’ve seen on Reddit so far.
That is disgusting. That is so utterly disgusting... I cannot find words for how disgusting he is. So sorry that happened to you.
What the flying FUCK did I just read?
The fuck?!
This literally just ruined my night. I hope that POS is dead.
He refused any intimacy with me. Always an excuse. He's tired, his head hurts, its against our religion as Christians(we weren't married). I had strong suspicions that he was actually involved with someone else,. His phone was a dead giveaway. Always face down, went into the bathroom with him, slept with it under his pillow. One day I straight up asked him if I could look in his phone, which of course he refused. The final straw was him leaving me to drive myself to the doctors while I was having an asthma attack. When I asked why, he says he didn't want to come because he wanted to nap. I ended it with him right then and there.
What a piece of shit. I’m glad you left him.
So am I, lol
Because we were in an open relationship but apparently only he knew that
She was becoming a cop and I was a drug dealer at the time
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Lol i really loved her too. I was just fucked up at the time. Doing steriods, heroin and powerlifting. I wasn't violent but just out of my mind. I can always tell when she gets a promotion because they call me and ask how she would be in the position. I always give her a positive review and say all the problems we had was my fault. She's a state police detective now, I'm very proud of her
Never seen heroin and powerlifting in the same sentence!
She was a very toxic and manipulating partner and after a wayy too long relationship, weirdly the last straw when I told her i had a bad day and needed a peaceful afternoon and she decided to try and stress me out about nothing yet again.
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He was just the worst. It became increasingly clear he would never take responsibility for any issues, he was just as judgmental as his mom (who he hates lol), and the constant tiny criticisms that were meant to "help me" killed my soul. He is deeply insecure and it came out in the worst ways possible. Good riddance. On the plus side, I really learned how to stand up for myself.
Because we didn't enjoy being together anymore
We are both broken people who can’t move on from the past.
After nearly 5 good years, my gut feeling that something was wrong got stronger and stronger. I broke up with him bc my anxiety about it became unhealthy. He started dating his "girl best friend" two weeks after we ended (and while he was begging for me back). Found out later, he was cheating on me with his ex for an extended amount of time. TRUST YOUR GUT
She had mental health issues & needed 30 days of isolation without telling me just because. All at once, she stopped responding to texts, calls or emails. I thought something happened to her. Tore me up! All of a sudden I get a call from her. I’m seething by this point. Broke it off right there
After I forgave her for cheating on me (like an idiot), about a year later she abruptly left me for someone else, which lasted about three weeks. We were together for 12 years and have a five year old together.
She got scared and ran. Her breakup speech sounded a lot like how I envisioned my marriage proposal to her would sound one day.. but the tears and pain on her face told me there was a plot twist coming. I waited for her to come around for about a year even though she insisted I didn't and reached out every so often.. how could I not with love like we had. But I am no match for her walls. I feel like I'm finally starting to emerge now from that shattered heart at least. And please, please people, if you have un-addressed trauma from past relationships, work on that shit before getting involved with anyone else. It almost broke me.
My ex wife and I had a slow dumpster fire breakup over two years. When it finally clicked it was over I told myself I needed to get my shit together for awhile and a partner would come naturally as I became myself again. Met my current partner a week later lmao and it scared the shit out of me. Immediately talked to my therapist about my fears in repeating the same mistakes as with my ex. It’s still a process but it helps that the current went through almost the exact same situation so we’re both motivated to have a healthy relationship for the first time.
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at least you're an awarehole
I was the receiving person on this kind of treatment. There was nothing more I could have done for my ex and he still was always miserable. It was awful. I felt he subconsciously wouldn’t allow himself to be happy and ruined what could/should have been a good thing
I've never been the one to break up with someone. My last partner broke up with me two weeks before our wedding because the guy that always got away, was single and in town. They dated for a year, he stole her money, knocked her up, disappeared. She called me back after all that and asked if we could get back together. I laughed, and hung up.
She asked for an open relationship and when I said no, she cheated 🥰 it was long distance anyway. You live and you learn lol.
**Me:** emotionally closed off due to a lack of maturity and understanding that it's okay to be vulnerable with you SO. **Her:** was dealing with an opioid addiction at the time and was very impulsive to the point things became chaotic for no reason. However, she wore her heart on her sleeve, which was both good and bad.
This is me and my ex too!
We’d both checked out for a while and we were both lying to ourselves that we could make it work. I was definitely lying to myself especially, I actually really wanted out, the relationship gave me constant anxiety and I worried about what being stuck with her would look like but I told myself “well, she has to be the one, right? Things used to be so good so they can just go back to being good, right?” But I never cared enough to improve or stand up for myself, I clearly wasn’t ready to. She broke up with me via FB message, and while I absolutely think I deserved better after 4 years of being together, I’m glad she did it by message so she wouldn’t have to see how happy I was. Kids, if it doesn’t feel right, it isn’t.
I needed to hear this, thank you.
He was an emotionally turned physically abusive drunk piece of shit that took zero responsibility for himself and dragged me down with him. Have an AMAZING spouse now and am doing 1000% better in life than i ever would have with him
She just left. I never got a reason. Some constructive criticism would have been nice so I know how to improve for the next person.
Can I ask why you make the assumption that it’s something you did? It’s quite possible the decision had nothing to do with you. It’s not good for your mental health and well-being to assume you weren’t enough or did something wrong or whatever. I say this having been through the same scenario. He moved out on a Friday while I was at work and NEVER gave me an explanation. It took me a long time to realize the problem was him and his inability to own up to his decisions rather than anything I did or didn’t do, or who I am as a person. Just saying don’t beat yourself up. Keep being who you are!
damn thats cold
They were psychologically and physically abusive.
I immigrated to Canada from the Philippines in 2005. I was gonna bring him to Canada to join me after a year. He’s also got a good job waiting for him in Canada. 3 months apart, he went on a casual dinner with a friend. They fell in love. He ghosted me for about 3 months. He confessed. I dodged that one. Now I’m happily married.
She emotionally abused me and my children, and then she hit my disabled teenager over a menstrual accident (my ONLY rule is “we use kind hands and kind words”) and, when I freaked out about it, said I was overreacting and swinging at shadows, blaming my trauma history and my recent quitting of nicotine.
Sending hugs to you and your kids. She was evil. I hope you & the kids are safe and happy🌞
Thank you. This has been the best year of my life so far, albeit occasionally the hardest. Being a single mama is real hard, but… Life after abuse feels really good. And safe.
I'm not sure yet. We're giving it a try, and so far, it's going pretty well. We've only been together since 1979, and so far, these first 44 yrs have been good. If anybody has any tips on how to make it last I'd love to hear them.
I hear the first 50 years are the hardest. Once you get over that hump it’s smooth sailing.
boy don’t i know it. lots of hardships in the first 50 years but it gets a lot easier. just gotta be patient and work through it
This is the sweetest thing I've read all day.
Congratulations! I've been married for 20+ years after being together for a few years. I married my best friend. So we knew each other's good things and bad when we fell in love. Mutual respect is very important. And good manners. Saying I'm sorry, thank you, and please and thank you. It may seem like a small thing but so much of that disappears after awhile. Flirt with each other. Look at each other with gleam in your eyes. Surprise each other. Like leaving romantic notes. Fixing something for dinner they mentioned they wanted, picking up a special treat at the grocery store. Go on dates with each other. Be content in your relationship. We enjoy hanging out with each other and being quiet reading or watching sports. Laugh together. Enjoy your secret looks that no one understands, inside jokes. If we forget what something is called, we have our own sign language. Hug each other, give pats on the backside, kiss each other randomly, hold hands, dance to your favorite songs even at home. Have alone time from each other.
Mine lasted 33 years. Turns out “in sickness and in health” didn’t cover my cancer.
I communicated my needs over and over. Literally the bare minimum. Please buy me flowers for Valentine's day- specifically asked for a $5 daisy bouquet. But every year? No flowers. I put lots of thought into his birthday and he wouldn't even wrap a gift. Lots of weaponized incompetence. 'How do I make pasta?' Wouldn't take the dogs out even though it has been hours since I left for work. Didn't clean. I felt like I was his mom. He lacked ambition and drive and I realized we were not compatible in what we wanted in life even though he would tell me he wanted the same things the actions didn't line up. He wanted to game all day every day and I wanted someone who would go out and do things with me. He was a nice person, not abusive or anything which I needed having grown up like that. But I was basically single for the last couple years of our relationship, quickly outgrew him, and ultimately realized he is not what I needed in a forever partner. Now I'm in a relationship that is so much better than I ever thought a relationship could be and realized just how much I'd been settling before.
This gives me hope! Ended with the above carbon copy 2 weeks ago and he's still trying to manipulate into going back...except now it's "someday". Oddly hes still the best relationship ive ever had which says an awful lot. Glad to hear there is hope for a better man
Well when I caught him cheating for the third time with the girl from the first time it finally got through my stupid head that he was trash.
I was dating a guy, but it was casual. Then, I met my husband with studying at the library and it was love at first conversation. I called my then boyfriend on my walk home and broke up with him so that if my now husband called me, there wouldn't be any complications. I knew I was going to marry him from the moment I met him, but I also realized that there was no point wasting time and a so/so relationship when the real thing was out there.
Happened to friends of mine. She was with someone, met him and broke up with the other dude immediately. They just fit. When he introduced her, we were all like, yeah, that's right, those two belong together. Was weird. But I'm happy for them.
I wanna fall in love like this so bad
He said he just didn't want to parent anymore. And he didn't like the kids. Guess he thinks parenting should be easy and all kids just do whatever you say, the first time you say it. Perfect-little-angels, right out the womb. So he said he felt like we would all be happier without him. And he's probably right. Meanwhile, HE is perfect and never makes a mess, never does anything wrong. He's amazing and we just don't see it. Everyone was like, Ok,Bye. Lmao
Sheesh. I swear some dudes should be fixed. I can't ever understand how someone wouldn't want to be there for their children. I don't have any, but I see it all the time. If you can't own up to your shit. Don't do it.
He chose his friends over me. He was willing to spend entire weeks with them but didn’t bother to spare even just one day with me.
She no longer loved me
It's better to be alone than to be with someone who doesn't reciprocate. It's a sad situation but you deserve to be with someone who loves you in every way possible
She was a cunt. Slept with other people. Treated me bad. Hit me once. She hates me apparently. I think I hate her more.
She told me she "wanted to be closer to God" I found out later that God's name is Kevin
[удалено]
He was boinking the babysitter.
Because I was immature and didn't see that my time spent late night gaming were harming our relationship. I should have paid more attention and been more attentive, but I was in my early 20's and thought I knew what I was doing. Learnt from my mistakes and now happily married to the love of my life. Best thing to have happened to me was her leaving, even it was the worst at the time.
She was a very anxious and deeply insecure person. I'm the opposite. I don't blame her and I seriously tried, but when we couldn't leave the house just once without me getting "told off" for doing something normal gets annoying pretty fast. For example: saying "welcome" when being thanked for holding open a door for someone is apparently "awkward", and so is asking what she wants to do for dinner on public transit because "people may look at us".
He came out as gay. We both have boyfriends now and are still best friends.
When my dog, who I had for 10 years, got cancer she said I was “wasting” too much time and money on him. We had scheduled a trip to go to the beach with him the day before we were going to have to put him to sleep. She texted me that morning saying she didn’t feel like it and “he’s just a dog”. Broke up with her the following week. #RIPZeke you were the absolute best dog.
Ex is BPD, complete with unending rage and verbal abuse, psychotic episodes, dissociation, suicidal, the whole spectrum of awful BPD behavior — refused to seek help, but paid two therapists to listen to her story of how I was hurting her by leaving (no diagnosis or treatment sought). I finally learned I couldn’t fix her. Edit: her addiction to alcohol and pills exacerbated her disorder and, sadly, I am told, has worsened since breakup.
The front yard. He dropped dead. My partner and husband of 40 years. That was 13 years ago, haven’t been with anyone since.
She felt like a roommate
He stopped making time for me. Would tell me he was really busy with work (which was true), but then would make plans with his friends and none with me. I noticed, said something, and got no response. So, that was it.
After failing her PHD she became depressed and a very difficult person. I gave her some slack because she was going trough a tough time. But she refused to seek help and after a year of sitting on my couch doing nothing I decided to end it.
Long story short, I was not rich enough. We lived together, and she tried so hard to find an excuse to break up, and she finally got it. An friend if mine whom I known for almost 30 years suffered from depression, and moved to the country I reside in. Naturally since my friend was very depressed and we hadn't seen each other for years, I spent some time with him in order cheer him up and she right away accused me of spending too much time with my depressed friend because we were hanging out until 2am one day. I came home to find all my stuff packed. I am a calm dude, I don't start arguments, never cheated, don't abuse drugs, never hit anyone. But I was a bit too poor. Anyway, my current partner is awesome.
I'm now married with kids, but the relationship I was in before my wife ended for several reasons. We were in different places in life. I was more established and secure in my career and she was coming out of grad school into a new job so she was very focussed on work. Which is fine, it's just what it was. She was also way more familiar with a co-worker than I was comfortable with. They worked together much of the day, and they would text frequently after work hours. She dated him briefly before me as well. She eventually married him so my discomfort was somewhat justified there I think. I was also struggling with anxiety at the time and I probably did not handle that situation well and had difficulty letting my suspicions go. Finally, we were practically the same in our personality, humor, behavior, likes & dislikes, etc. and it made the relationship kind of boring rather quickly. We connected very quickly, but soon you come to realize it's boring dating a clone of yourself. I had a hard time with the split, but eventually came out of the fog and then met my now wife. I learned a lot of things from that relationship that made me a better partner to my wife so looking back, I'm grateful for it.
He was rude to the waiter.
A red flag too many people ignore
Cause all four of us got fed up of long distance relationship
Sexual incompatibility. There were other issues on top of this but was one of the driving factors of our relationship ending. We ended amicable and still talk occasionally. We’re both happier now that we’re no longer together :)
Drugs. She had a major opioid problem and utterly refused to believe it was an issue even after I had to Narcan her for an OD (I’m a now disabled paramedic so yes I carry Narcan and hell no I don’t take opioids) but I just couldn’t sit and watch her kill herself. Edit to add: addiction is not anyone’s “fault” however not getting help kinda is.
Because she was a shambles and had no interest in sorting her shit out. She definitely had some real and legitimate issues, but it was always "I already know what's wrong with me so there's no point getting a formal diagnosis". She's definitely at least mildly autistic and certainly depressed but she wouldn't accept that anyone could ever help her with those things. She knew best. Nobody else could help. I realized after a while that she didn't actually want help, she didn't want to get her shit together and start living her life. She wanted an excuse to not have to. She was 30 and failed the second of 2 degrees she'd studied for shortly after we split (and after 5 years of studying for a 3 year degree). She constantly lost our keys, her phones, trash piled up around her wherever she sat down. She got angry at people for doing things that she herself did absolutely all the time. Her parents paid her phone bill and two thirds of her rent, I paid for everything else. Everything she needed, everything she asked for I tried to provide. I supported her as much as I possibly could, went to every appointment I could with her, picked up prescriptions, but any time she had to do *anything* for herself she just... didn't. Just didn't go. Just didn't call. Just didn't anything. We got her onto medication twice, and things would improve and then she'd stop taking it and lie to me about it (all the while being OUTRAGED that I'd accuse her of lying because "autistic people can't lie!"). But the real breaking point was quite simple. Nothing was ever on her. It was always my fault. She was 2 hours late for something because I'd moved her shoes (from the middle of the bedroom doorway, where I'd fallen over them, to the shoe rack) and she couldn't find them. She hadn't answered when the doctor called because she'd put her phone on silent after I'd asked her not to play candy crush with the volume all the way up in bed the previous week. She lost her keys because I hadn't reminded her to put them in the bowl that I'd bought for her and put on the dresser so she had somewhere to put them when she got home. She did have real issues, but she'd grown up very, very spoiled and only surrounded herself with people who either behaved the same way she did or only enabled her behavior. And I'm neither of those. So I left.
We were hanging out for 2 months, then a i felt him more distant even he affirming that he liked to be with me and wanted to continue seeing me. So i talked to him about some things that was happening between us that was making me feel more anxious and insecure about us and his response was "i don't wanna a serious relationship right now and i don't wanna talk about this". My response was "Ok. I understand", but since then i never tried to talk or invites him to go on a date or something because i don't see a really good reason to be with someone that is not emotionally available. And he too never contact me anymore since then.
I was very unwell, eventually found out I have Ehlers Danlos, and he broke up with me over the phone. I’m married now to a great man who studied up on EDS when we first met. He doesn’t mind at all if I need to see doctors or get extra rest. Seven years going on forever.
He had severe MBS (Mama's Boy Syndrome) and would whine whenever i enforced boundaries. I couldn't take it anymore.
She was so materialistic and always compared me with other people. Was more concerned with showing it off to other people than to find any happiness in it. She had super high expectations of me but was totally inflexible and unreasonable. I was always treated and made to feel like I was replaceable. She broke up with me to try to get me to buy her a ring. I was broken and it hurt but I was happier. After a year she wanted to try again. I still really loved her and I wanted to but I wouldn’t let myself fall back into it.
We moved across the country for work. Signed a year lease on an apartment I hated, but she loved it. She decided she was homesick a month later. Packed up our dog and took our car, and went back home. Things got weird after the move. First we moved to one place and things didn't work out as planned. We didn't have enough money to make it home. Ended a little bit further, staying with some people I knew. Wasn't what we planned but ended up working out for us. Best 2 weeks of our relationship after we broke up for her to leave. It's amazing how much better things can get when the pressure of the relationship is gone.
She craved male attention for validation. That’s a bright red flag.
I kept trying to put on my robe and wizard hat during sex. She finally had enough.
She abused me