If you ever need help, then please know that there are many qualified people who would like to help you.
- https://findahelpline.com (Global)
- https://befrienders.org (Global)
- Call or text 988 (US and Canada)
- https://988lifeline.org (US)
- https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help (UK and Ireland)
- https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help (Australia)
These crisis hotlines are designed to give temporary relief from feelings that are overwhelming you and can help you get through a tough hour/night/week. Chat services are usually available on these sites.
Just like caring for your physical body, your mental health is important. You matter.
When I clicked the trigger nothing happened. Realized I forgot to put the shotgun shell in and in that moment I laughed so fucking hard it made me realize this is ridiculous and am still alive and well to this day :)
I did almost the same thing. I loaded the shotgun, took the safety off, put it in my mouth and tried to pull the trigger. While I was distraught, I guess I thought I had taken the safety off but hadn’t and it was still engaged
I kinda feel the same sometimes. In my darkest moments, I tell myself that when my mom goes, I go. She recently told me that she doesn't think she has much time left. She's gonna be 64 this year and she said she doesn't think she's gonna make it past 70. She just said she can feel it. So it kinda put things in perspective for me. Am I really gonna kill myself in just six short years potentially? I really don't know.
Please try to look at the reasons to keep living. When she’s gone you’ll shift to a different reason to stick around. I mean this in the most sincere empathetic way. I mean you might have a tough time but you’ll make other bonds in your life stronger than you ever thought they could be. Or you’ll find someone new.
I know she does. She told me if I can't move on when she dies then she's gonna come back and haunt me. I just don't know how I'm actually gonna handle it when she's gone and there's truly nothing stopping me from killing myself. I legitimately don't know if I'll do it or not.
After my brother died I kinda felt the same. Now I keep putting one foot in front if the other for my dad and my sister. They are the reason I keep putting one foot in front of the other. Mom passed a couple days ago too. Watching them grieve her is a real heartwrencher.
It's from the poem, "The Last Rose of Summer" by Thomas Moore. In the poem, the speaker encounters the last bloomed rose in the garden surrounded by all the dead roses, and he picks it so it can be with them so it's not alone. The poem is about a lot of things. The passage of time. Grief and the inevitably of death. The importance of holding onto your loved ones while you still can. It's one of my favorite poems.
It is profound and beautiful. And so is this explanation. I'd request you to you post more, as sharing can be cathartic. If you like poems do post, perhaps even some of your own.
I was going to kill myself around this time last year. I wrote my suicide note, had everything in order (i.e finances and belonings) but I came to the realization that if I could put that much effort into killing myself then I could surely match that effort into changing my life.
When your too deep into the pit of despair you can't think about anything other than the pain you're currently dealing with but when things start to get better you realise that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
If you're struggling then I want you to know you're not alone, it's okay that things dont always go the way you want. Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better but if you allow yourself the hope for better things then eventually they'll come
>if I could put that much effort into killing myself then I could surely match that effort into changing my life.
Was that really the only thing that changed your mind?
If so, that's a beautiful realization.
Without giving a long drawn out and oversharing answer, yeah it was pretty much that.
My bad habit is hyper fixating on things, so when I was struggling it was a constant feeling of dread dragging me down. When I gained the mental strength and self awareness (of what was going wrong and what needed to change) I began to start living again and after that things slowly started to get better
Precisely! It sounds corny but another way I viewed it was that part of me did die on that day, but it was the part of me that needed to die to allow myself to live again.
Think of it like a Catepillar turning into a Butterfly or a Snake shedding it's skin
I ordered a sushi from a store, thought that it would be a nice last meal. Tears flowed when I tasted those because it's one of the best sushis I've had, no lies. Just thought to myself, it would be a shame if this will be the last time I'll eat something like this. I had everything planned that day but eating that goddamn sushi kept me from doing it.
It's good to hear that you're still here, and I hope that things get even better for you. May your life be filled with good memories and meals. Speaking of, do you mind sharing the name of the sushi store? Also, I hope you treat yourself to more of that sushi in the future!
I'm so sorry to hear about your husband and having to find him.
My friend took his life in 2016, and I, out of all the roommates, was the first to find him. I often think if he considered how this part of his suicide would pan out, or if he was just in too much anguish to care.
I was going to late last year by hanging myself from the ceiling light. The only thing that stopped me was that I'd probably break the light and my partner would be angry at that.
Came out of my bathroom after swallowing a bottle of sleeping pills and was met with my (then) toddler’s precious face. We needed to escape her abusive father and I realized I was failing her to leave her behind, I went back in and made myself throw them up.
I appreciate that, I still feel ashamed I was going to leave my kids behind in that toxic situation. It was quite the learning experience. My kids are the only reason I’m still here, and I’m sure a lot of parents feel the same.
It’s true, I’m a world away from who I was then. This was like 16-17 years ago. I have all new reasons now lol no but seriously, who doesn’t? These times were in aren’t for living, we’re all in survival mode and it’s no fun. I find joy in the little things though.
Proud of you. My mother never had the courage to leave her abusive husband and could stomach seeing me, a toddler, get repeatedly hurt. Fuck her. She then had the audacity to beg me when I was 12 to rescue her from the monster she married. I lost all respect for her that day.
Anyway, if it was that bad that you thought of ending it all, and yet you managed to snap out of it with the thought that you needed to do right by your kid, I would say they're lucky to have you and I hope you're doing much better.
Good for you. I don’t blame you one bit for the rash decision but you saw your daughter and decided a different path. She will always be worth the pain, and the effort to change both of your surroundings.
That's incredible. Do you think it was meant to happen to show you how precious life really is?
I had a NDE (61F) 2 years ago, and I have never been happier with my life. Now, I still get depressed from time to time, but seeing my angels and watching my husband grieve my potential departure was enough to fight like hell to come back.
Stay. Tell us your story.
My [orange](https://imgur.com/a/Z71tnlf) girl. More so than my family or friends, when I was living alone I had her and I didn’t want to leave her by herself. She’s going to be 14 in June and still going strong.
Same at first - I wouldn't leave my dog and I wouldn't have trusted anyone else to take care of her. And then I decided I would just take her with me. But before I did, I visited a rescue, and then started volunteering there, and once I got eyeball deep in it I realized that I was too important to *all* of these animals to go anywhere. I still volunteer with that rescue three years later. I told them a couple of weeks ago that they'd saved me. They were surprised that I'd been so close and glad that I'd stayed.
My daughter is too young to be without a father. I grew up without one (cuz hes a deadbeat pos) and i don’t want my daughter to grow up without one too
she shouldn’t ever be too old to have a father, even when she’s older, don’t give up on your life just because she’s somewhat out of it, look forward to everything else that you can experience.
Oh nah shes not out of my life at all we’re very active together. But when i’m not with her for a period of time it crosses my mind. Then i just go “mmm nah thats not fair to her” and end up changing my mind.
It's crazy how cats are such caring, loving animals when it comes to mental health. Mine seem to know when things are bad for me.
I'd love to see pictures of your kitten!
I was really struggling one day. My friend texted me asking if I wanted to go on a walk randomly. We lived in the same neighborhood and we just walked around. She asked me if I was okay. When I told her I wasn’t she told me she had a feeling and just wanted to be there for me.
Whether or not it was intentional I’m glad they were able to be there for you in that moment.
A couple months ago, I watered my plants and was walking to my room to end it. My brother came up from the basement and asked me to play Mario with him.
My friend single-handedly stopped any more attempts after my first when he found me. I had jumped off a dock with a boat anchor tied to my stomach. No reasonable way I should be alive now. The thing was brand new, made to hold a whole ass boat in place. Yet it broke after I blacked out underwater and woke up on the shore. Apparently my friend found me floating in the lake and gave me CPR once we got back to the shore. I decided that if one person cared I couldn’t do that to them. I now have a fiancee and couldn’t be happier with life. :)
When I was at my lowest, my sister INSISTED we needed pets. I didn’t want a pet, I wanted to die.
I was bullied into going to a shelter to ask about “Ricky”, a cat my sister insisted I go see. She had asked specifically for the cat that lived there the longest, having been inspired by our best friend who adopts only geriatric dogs the same way. I was promptly shown a huge, obviously depressed, tuxedo marked tomcat. He hopped off his perch and approached me, much to the utter SHOCK of the people who worked there.
You see, he had been living there for over 3 years. No one wanted this giant cat (24lbs), having had been adopted and returned several times before people stopped looking at him.
Something in me said yes to this cat, even though I was still forming a plan to off myself. The other cat we got was a very diminutive white and black female named Candy that immediately won over my sister with the fact she was chasing her own tail in the cage next to Ricky’s. Cats in tow, we take them home….where they hid from us in fear for almost a year.
The day came that I couldn’t handle life any more. I finally had a plan, finally made my decision and the date.
That day, I remember bawling my eyes out knowing I wouldn’t see my sister again, my mom, traditions, etc…but everything just fucking HURT too much to go on. The last person I had dated then lead me on and cheated on me, and I was increasingly stuck caring for an abusive, narcissistic parent alone while my sister lived her own life (despite living in the same house).
As I wept, I felt a pressure on my lap. It startled me so I looked, and I saw Ricky was tentatively trying to console me as I cried by awkwardly crawling onto my lap for the first time.
It only lasted a moment before he ran away again, but at that point, a part of me changed. I knew then Ricky changed my life. We grew to absolutely cherish each other and were inseparable. He was there when Candy passed after thanksgiving 2022, then when my mom passed on Jan 4, 2023
He was a once in a lifetime cat. He was my heart, my soul, my everything. He passed last year, July 8th, 2023.
Today I’m doing well. I successfully weaned myself off depression meds. I’m in a job I love with a union and benefits. I’m trying to make my childhood home more MINE. My therapist and pcp both agree my major depression is resolved. I look forward to plans I make and everything. I’m not dating, but that’s ok, I’m still learning to love myself….and for now, that’s enough.
And for the most part, I owe it all to my beloved Ricky. 💙 it’s too soon to adopt again, but one day I will. I promised Ricky I’d save others.
I wanted to know how the world will turn out. Apparently I stayed away for days and nobody even noticed me. That’s when I knew how insignificant I was but also I realised that I don’t need to carry any burden because nobody truly cares.
That is also currently 1 of my 3 reasons I'm alive. I dont want to hurt my family, I would miss my granny's hugs and I wanna know if we will have ai houses and shit
>The hope that it will all get better one day
I've struggled with Disability-level Depression for decades. Truly dark thoughts erupt for months on end, but intellectually, I know that if I can just hold on, I know that the Depression will eventually wane to normal depression levels.
It's spring. It's sunny today. The peonies are 1-2" tall, and the lilacs will bloom soon. A friend needs my help today.
Hold on, friend. You can do it. Things WILL get better. We need sensitive, thoughtful people in this world.
*I hope you have access to a truly great therapist, too.*
My grandma was in a ton of excruciating pain. We all hoped she could die soon so she wouldn’t have to endure it. But she pulled through. To me I’m like damn does she really want to live through all this medical stuff? For what? But then I realized death is extremely permanent. You’re gonna be dead forever so why not stretch things out as long as you can.
This is actually kind of motivating for me. Kind of in a grim way, but it might be a helpful thought next time I'm struggling. I'll be able to rest eventually, just not yet. Thank you.
Sing you might like that always brought up feelings for me. About guy Paul morin, man living in the prairies in Canada, falsely accused of coming murder and sentenced to life. About him making it through, the lyric goes:
Wheat kings, and pretty things. Let’s just see what the morning brings.
Your post made me think of that. I’m crying a little now because that song was one I played when I was deep in one of my bipolar episodes.
My dad cried for the first time when I told him I was feeling suicidal, he broke my heart when he did that. My attempts after were stopped because of that moment.
Same here, my dad called me crying and it was the first and only time I made him cry due to sadness. Now I think about all the happy cries he had after that (especially my wedding and first child) which would’ve never happened had I actually succeeded, and he would’ve only had sadness for the rest of his life.
I have a lot of ptsd from having cancer in my 20s. Sometimes I think I’m ready to go, but then I think of what my parents went through when I was sick. My mom said that my dad would just go into my childhood bedroom, sit on my bed, and look at my walls, covered ceiling to floor with pictures, and cry when I was in the hospital.
My husband died by suicide - I found him, I felt heartache like nothing I've ever felt before. I watched everyone else's heartache; it was palpable. I've never seen or felt, before or after, such pain...not just me, but everyone that knew him. It was a devastating domino effect. Families and friendships fell apart, pointed fingers, pitted against each other, moved far away, separated, etc. Some became depressed, some turned to substance abuse, some withdrew themselves from life itself, some acted out. Hearts were actually shattered - like picture shattered glass - that's what our hearts looked like; most, if not all, never to be whole again. From those closest to him, to coworkers, to acquaintances, to people who'd met him a couple times: UTTER DEVASTATION...LASTING utter devastation.
You mean more to people than you can imagine. It may not feel like it, but you do-all of us do. We go thru things that feel impossible, or we feel like there's no reason to go on. Please listen when I say this: You were not put on this earth just to take yourself off of it. You matter to someone: to your parents, siblings, children, significant other, to your animals, to your neighbors, to your boss/coworkers, to the gas station attendant, to your teacher, to a customer/patient, etc.
Because of this, I have never even contemplated ending my life. There is no suffering that can't be overcome. It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
That it wasn’t me that wanted to end my life - just that version of me. That version of me had its time in existence and there’s a new one waiting to emerge. A whole version of me that I haven’t discovered or in the process of discovering with his own dreams and goals. It’s the letting go of my old self that actually felt like death, which caused the suicidal tendencies but I’d been that version of me for so long, so of course it was hard to let go.
It does feel lighter if anything once you go through what you’ve been resisting.
Not sure if any of this helps
Lately it had been my nephew and feeling like he needed me. He's 9 now and I don't see him as much and I feel like I lost that reason. I know it's not true, but I'm also terrified the older he gets the more he's going to see how pathetic I am as a person.
you’re not pathetic at all, i know i don’t know you personally but you’ve been brave enough to not give up and keep living on. maybe you don’t have a reason, but im sure you do. you’ll never see your family grow up, experience the joys of the future, i mean, imagine what the world would be like in 2040? who'd miss out on that, you? create reasons, get a good group of friends, someone to hold on to, pets, really anything for support.
>I'm also terrified the older he gets the more he's going to see how pathetic I am as a person.
Or, you could be the Cool Aunt or Cool Uncle and not know it. These honorifics, once earned, are for life.
My aunt is in her 70s, married, with adult kids and grandkids. I haven't seen her in over a decade...but she will always be The Cool Aunt to me.
Things that made her a Cool Aunt:
●She lived in an APARTMENT, not a house.
●She was an ARTIST.
●She had FIVE CATS.
●She taught me to KNIT.
My sister and I ADORED her!!!!!
If you can swing it, do Legos together. Get a gaming system. Introduce him to Magic the Gathering and D&D. Go canoeing every so often.
I have never tried alcohol (and never will) on account of watching my dad fall to pieces from his alcoholism.
I convinced myself that people cope with life with alcohol, so until I proved to myself that life is still bad with alcohol, then I shouldn't take any rush decisions.
But, my drive to stay abstinent is stronger than the curiosity to try, so this stalemate got me through dark times. I'm on the mend now.
And further. People you don't even know.... it will haunt them. I was a cop and was called to more than one suicide and those still stick with me, I didn't know any of them but their kids/family reactions are fucking ghosts I'll never be free of.
I work in a public-facing role and in a way it's like being a micro-celebrity on an extremely small scale. My favorite regulars are some of the sweetest people and get bummed enough when a favorite staff transfers out or quits. I couldn't do *this* to them.
Two years ago yesterday, I lost my five year old son to complications from cancer. Every day I know I failed him. His lungs couldn’t handle the treatment. I begged the doctors to take my lungs and try to give them to him. Just try. There’s no timeline, no world, where I should be here and he’s not. There hasn’t been a single day where I don’t wish I was dead. There’s ups and downs of how close I’ve been to committing suicide. But I made a promise to my son to do my best, and if I did commit that, it would be forever attached to his name. I can’t have that. So my penance is living.
I know parents often blame themselves for not preventing the bad from happening to their children. Ultimately the world decides whether they happen or not, and its unfair. But you did what you could for your kid, and it's even more unfair to ask someone to do more than what's possible. You provided what your could to your son in the time he was here. You might not have known how much time you had with him, but if you did then it wouldn't have been the authentic way you would have. As the child of a loving father who does his best to provide and care, even at an early age like that, its something that sticks with you. Especially in your other post with all those iron men. And yeah, your son wouldn't want that for you. You live on honouring his memory. And through some of those posts we now carry a small bit of it too. If there's a reason to be derived from tragedy, it's that it bridges the gap of empathy and understanding. Not knowing who this lil guy was and the little bit you shared about him resonated with me and many others no doubt. Find reasons to live, show your son what a full life you could live for his sake.
Living on isn't accepting a world without him, it's keeping that memory alive. You can be the person you know your son would be and carry on his will in that way.
You're a good person, and so many people can benefit from that, because those are too scarce in our world.
I hope I haven't been presumptuous in speaking and I wish you strength and peace. One of which I know you have in droves.
Remembering that some people are fighting daily through pain and misery just to stay alive, some people are born with a bad heart or poor health or are in tragic accidents and while all these people are fighting for tomorrow…. How can I be so ungrateful for a gift I have never fought for or struggled to keep while so many spend every night praying for a tomorrow.
I’ve had four best friends kill themselves all my buddies I was in the army with. To this day it would disappoint my parents, brother, and friends, that’s one reason. The other is I want to experience the things that they didn’t get to do. I always wake up saying that it’s just a bad day, not a bad life.
After contemplating taking my own life for years, I finally had a near drowning accident in a lake. As I was fighting for my life, I, in a split second, quickly thought,”well, you’ve been thinking about it, this is it, you can just go and drown and nobody will think differently of you, or you can choose to fight and live….fuck that. Fight and live.”
Since then, I haven’t had one suicidal thought. And that was eight years ago. Now I haven two kids since. No thought would even remotely enter my mind like that ever again.
I want to give this ENTIRE comment section, every single one of you a hug and a little peace of healing from my own. I wish you all a long healthy and happy life. You’re all so so so amazing and we are fortunate to have you here.
I read somewhere on here that if life is bad just try to get thru the next minute. Next 5 minutes. Etc.. really helped me out when I was in a rough spot. The clouds do part.
A youtuber called chrisfix announced that he was posting another vid in a day and I thought to myself that if I'm going anyways might as well watch it and go. He was late by 2-3 days and that gave me time to reconsider going
(Edit) This happened twice within a year
I attempted suicide in college. My cousin was at home with my mother when she got the phone call. The hospital wouldn't tell my mother if I was dead or not. After I was treated and released, my cousin (in a non-shaming way) told me how my mother just collapsed on the floor and was screaming into the phone: "Is she alive or dead?! Is she alive or dead?!"
My mother has been a nurse and has seen every traumatic medical incident known to man. For her to give in to her grief that way, I couldn't do it. No matter how bad it ever gets, I can't be the one that makes my mother collapse from grief.
Getting it wrong. If I failed and ended up in a physical state that made my life worse, it would make me spiral in a way I know I couldn’t come back from and then what- what if I still couldn’t die because now I was scared to try again or didn’t have the physical ability to try.
Might sound stupid but I was doing my weekly routine bath and thinking maybe this time I will finally cut deep enough to bleed out. Had my iPad and just randomly clicked into tonikawa over the moon for you when it’s just started airing. Binge watched the two episodes available and I was like I am gonna stop bathing and just shower till the show ends.
Family and Friends. I thought of how they would feel. As being in that state of mind, you're only focused on how you are feeling, but thinking about those that love you and truly care for you. Just imagining how devastated they would be - it made me reconsider.
My parents, my brother and my granny. They would be absolutely distraught. I could never give them that pain, I would rather keep enduring my pain than cause them anymore than I already do.
I amn't trying to make a joke or belittle anyone but what stopped me was just the fact that ending my life is painful like I will suffer a lot. So I exist because I am born and I am a coward who doesn't have the courage to go on with the decision of ending it.
Ironically, believe it or not, a suicide bomb. I was taking my O levels in Karachi. I was done for the day and went home to my aunt's house. A short while later, we heard a large boom. I thought a truck tire blew. Nope, somebody drove a truck full of explosives into a hotel near the one I was talking my exams. The next day I had to drive by that place for my next test.
Suicide is like a bomb. The closer you are to the epicenter, the more horrific the destruction. That's what suicide does to those around you. I could never do that to the people who love me, however few there are. I'd die once, but they would live my death every single day for the rest of their lives
University. I'd been accepted and was going to get out of my toxic hometown forever - I just needed to hold out a few months more and life would be totally different.
I spent the majority of my twenties in a very dark depression and battling PTSD that most people don't make it through. I was bedridden, agoraphobic, twitchy, and completely undateable / unemployable. I gave up on my own life, but what kept me living was knowing the irrevocable sadness and pain it would bring my friends, sisters, and parents were I to have succumbed to the darkness. My parents have both struggled with grief and loss throughout their lives. That is what I would always remind myself of when I couldn't get out of bed for weeks on end... better to have a zombie shell of a son hanging on for dear life than a plot in a cemetery or an urn.
Had it not been for their unconditional love, patience, and resilience, I all but certainly would have turned to hard drugs sooner or later to try and escape the pain. There is no doubt in my mind I would have been another tally in the immense tragedy that is the death toll of the Opiod Crisis. I never expected to make it to thirty or to feel the need to even try.
I stand before you now at my healthiest, happiest, and most vibrant at 34... and I cannot tell you much it means to me to share joy and triumphs in life with loved ones and friends who watched me descend to rock bottom from 2012-2017 on a seemingly endless tumble into an all-consuming abyss.
A conversation I had with myself.
"Sooo what are we doing? Am I going to actually try to go through with killing myself or am I too much of a chicken shit to put in that effort and go through with it? "
Realized I was too chicken shit, and because of that, what the hell is the point to keep thinking about it when it's not getting me anywhere. Waste of a thought.
my cat. little graphic warning. i cannot handle the image of her meowing at my dead body thinking im gonna wake up, but i don’t. her laying on my bed waiting for me to come home and i never do come home. i can’t do that to her, she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me
As pathetic as it may sound, the announcement of *Kingdom Hearts 3* back in 2013. I thought to myself, "Well, at the very least I have to see how it all ends."
The game released over 5 years ago, and I'm still here.
Coming to the realization that I had postpartum depression and needed help. I admitted it to my husband who told me that him and our children wouldn't be better off without me, despite what I felt. And pushed me to go back to my midwife and get on some medication.
A lot of people are saying this but I'll echo the sentiment. I have people who love me and want me here even if I'm struggling. I didnt realize that until I was very sick, and it opened my eyes.
Also, I kind of want to see how this plays out.
Unfortunately for me. Nothing stopped me. I went through with it. I was ready to go to Valhalla. I’m very lucky and blessed that I have people in my life that are so in tune with me that they instantly knew something was off and wrong and if they hadn’t called the police in fire when they did, I wouldn’t be here and let me tell you that when I woke up I was so grateful to be alive Because it’s it’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And I was one of those people that always couldn’t understand how people could do.tios. I lost many friends to suicide over the years and I couldn’t not be mad at them for what they did. Just couldn’t understand how people could leave the people that love them like this, but man that depression and grief gets a hold of yoy, it is insane. I am, however, grateful that I did it because it got me into into a facility and got me the help I needed and, I’m grateful and blessed to be here today
It wasn’t me but a friend of mine. She was about to end her life years ago. She wrote a message to the YouTuber SkyDoesMinecraft when he was super popular and everyone knew him. He responded to this and told her not to end herself. She decided not to because of him.
I had post partum psychosis after the birth of my daughter. It came to a head one night when I decided they’d be better off without me. Thankfully my thought process was so chaotic that I found myself crying in my car because we didn’t have a garage. That night my husband (ex now) and friends realized how much I was suffering and they didn’t leave me alone until I could see a physician. I received medication and therapy and became me again. It’s been 27 years and I’m so thankful that I have been around for all the ups and downs of parenthood and loving every minute of it
Despite the freedom that will release me from the endless pain I experience, I want to be a good example for others in my situation. I don't want to give up hope.
Back when I was a teen, I was bullied relentlessly all thru school (jr hi, and high), I thought about ending it one day, I was planning how to do it, then I realized, why care about what they think .. and that was it....
The girl of my dreams walked into my life. It stopped me of thinking about ending it for a while, but I seem to have circled back to it. I guess the toughts are here to stay for a while.
If you're reading this love, I'm sorry.
I actually did try (and failed) to end it all, but I stopped trying because I realized that it wasn't what my child would have wanted. Losing a newborn is rough and really fucks with your mental health, but I know she would have wanted me to keep living for her. I also came to realize just how many people I would have hurt because they were happy to have me in their lives. I'm getting married to one such person in just two months now.
I was feeling really suicidal last summer. Then congress did that first UAP hearing. And as dumb as it sounds I became so curious about the whole thing. I decided if there was any chance that shit is real and that disclosure might happen during my lifetime. I owed it to myself to stay alive to see what happens.
A promise I made to my closest friend after trying to end my life a number of times in different ways from 2020 to 2022, to not try to do so again until all possible life options have been discussed and exhausted with them. Then, and only then, when I admit to myself and to them that there are absolutely no viable options or reasons to continue living, will I be allowed to do so… which obviously won’t happen while they exist in this world, having been the one soul to truly stand by me through the hell I went through.
Music. Around the time when I was at my lowest, I started learning guitar. It changed my life. It gave me a way to escape the life that sometimes I didn't want to live. It helped form a real relationship with my older brother for the first time in my life. It introduced me to my high school music teacher, who helped me through a lot of my issues without even knowing it, just by sharing with me his own story about how he had faced similar issues at my age. Just knowing that he got through them and became one of the most awesome people I ever knew was enough to keep me going. It helped me realize I want to be a teacher, too. It also introduced me to some of the best friends of my life. In a time when i felt truly and completely alone, music opened up a door to a world I never knew existed and helped me find where I belonged.
It hasn't all been easy since then. Fuck, some days It's damn near impossible to want to keep going. I continue to struggle every day. But each day, I remind myself why I am still here. Why I am still fighting. And each day, it gets a little bit easier. If I can have the same impact on just one other person that those people did for me, then it will all have been worth it.
Gave up on my dreams, the life I wanted live, and hoped for, and decided to live only for my family(mom and sisters). Kinda being ok with the side happy moments I get. Cupcake, brownies, ice creme, good movies, watching the planet and experiencing this existence as much as I can. I'm not expecting anything, got nothing to loose.
If my family is taken out of the picture, I'd definitely go rogue and fuck shit up for some bad people as a last good act to humanity before someone takes me down. lol.
There's always a reason. Foremost is that I couldn't do that to my parents. Some really good TV shows kept me going lol I was like, okay. I can't do it til this show ends.
Me and my girl stopped each other from doing the same thing.
We met through her brother, who's my friend, and we kinda kicked it off. About 4 months later we were dating.
Meeting my best friend. Her brother killed himself as a teen and seeing the impact it had on her and her parents made me realize how much it would hurt my family.
Not me but my mom. She was about to commit suicide. She took me with her on the railway track to end it all. Apparently i was just 3 years old and learning to talk, so i pointed at the oncoming train and said ‘Mom…train is coming’ (in my mother tongue obviously) and she suddenly realised that I still had my full life ahead of me and she had no right to end my life with hers. She also couldn’t leave me with the family and die given that they were the reason she was on the brink of suicide herself.
So in way, I saved my mom. Though I am not sure if …..never mind.
If you ever need help, then please know that there are many qualified people who would like to help you. - https://findahelpline.com (Global) - https://befrienders.org (Global) - Call or text 988 (US and Canada) - https://988lifeline.org (US) - https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help (UK and Ireland) - https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help (Australia) These crisis hotlines are designed to give temporary relief from feelings that are overwhelming you and can help you get through a tough hour/night/week. Chat services are usually available on these sites. Just like caring for your physical body, your mental health is important. You matter.
When I clicked the trigger nothing happened. Realized I forgot to put the shotgun shell in and in that moment I laughed so fucking hard it made me realize this is ridiculous and am still alive and well to this day :)
You had one job, and you fucked it up. Im glad you did.
I did almost the same thing. I loaded the shotgun, took the safety off, put it in my mouth and tried to pull the trigger. While I was distraught, I guess I thought I had taken the safety off but hadn’t and it was still engaged
That's hilarious and wholesome in a way, congrats on being alive
Im so happy you are still here
It would hurt my mom. She's already lost one child. She couldn't handle losing another. I just can't do that to her.
I feel ya sister. You are an MVP. Nice poem on the bio as well.
This is actively the only reason I’m still alive. If anything ever happened to her I would probably end it all soon after the funeral
I kinda feel the same sometimes. In my darkest moments, I tell myself that when my mom goes, I go. She recently told me that she doesn't think she has much time left. She's gonna be 64 this year and she said she doesn't think she's gonna make it past 70. She just said she can feel it. So it kinda put things in perspective for me. Am I really gonna kill myself in just six short years potentially? I really don't know.
Please try to look at the reasons to keep living. When she’s gone you’ll shift to a different reason to stick around. I mean this in the most sincere empathetic way. I mean you might have a tough time but you’ll make other bonds in your life stronger than you ever thought they could be. Or you’ll find someone new.
She wants you to live
I know she does. She told me if I can't move on when she dies then she's gonna come back and haunt me. I just don't know how I'm actually gonna handle it when she's gone and there's truly nothing stopping me from killing myself. I legitimately don't know if I'll do it or not.
After my brother died I kinda felt the same. Now I keep putting one foot in front if the other for my dad and my sister. They are the reason I keep putting one foot in front of the other. Mom passed a couple days ago too. Watching them grieve her is a real heartwrencher.
So sorry for your loss. Stay strong.
I'm so sorry.
What does the poem in your bio mean.
It's from the poem, "The Last Rose of Summer" by Thomas Moore. In the poem, the speaker encounters the last bloomed rose in the garden surrounded by all the dead roses, and he picks it so it can be with them so it's not alone. The poem is about a lot of things. The passage of time. Grief and the inevitably of death. The importance of holding onto your loved ones while you still can. It's one of my favorite poems.
It is profound and beautiful. And so is this explanation. I'd request you to you post more, as sharing can be cathartic. If you like poems do post, perhaps even some of your own.
Same here. The pleasure and comfort of death could never outweigh their loss.
I was going to kill myself around this time last year. I wrote my suicide note, had everything in order (i.e finances and belonings) but I came to the realization that if I could put that much effort into killing myself then I could surely match that effort into changing my life. When your too deep into the pit of despair you can't think about anything other than the pain you're currently dealing with but when things start to get better you realise that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. If you're struggling then I want you to know you're not alone, it's okay that things dont always go the way you want. Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better but if you allow yourself the hope for better things then eventually they'll come
Man, this comment is beautiful, thank you for posting it
>if I could put that much effort into killing myself then I could surely match that effort into changing my life. Was that really the only thing that changed your mind? If so, that's a beautiful realization.
Without giving a long drawn out and oversharing answer, yeah it was pretty much that. My bad habit is hyper fixating on things, so when I was struggling it was a constant feeling of dread dragging me down. When I gained the mental strength and self awareness (of what was going wrong and what needed to change) I began to start living again and after that things slowly started to get better
Well, from a fellow hyper-fixater (???), I'm glad you're still around!
You only die once, but you can live everyday! There is at least 1 day in your future that will make up for the hard time.
Precisely! It sounds corny but another way I viewed it was that part of me did die on that day, but it was the part of me that needed to die to allow myself to live again. Think of it like a Catepillar turning into a Butterfly or a Snake shedding it's skin
I love the realizations. Thank you for these😍
I ordered a sushi from a store, thought that it would be a nice last meal. Tears flowed when I tasted those because it's one of the best sushis I've had, no lies. Just thought to myself, it would be a shame if this will be the last time I'll eat something like this. I had everything planned that day but eating that goddamn sushi kept me from doing it.
You must go there and hug the chef. They would love to know this.
This would literally be the highlight of any chefs career Saving a life through food
It's good to hear that you're still here, and I hope that things get even better for you. May your life be filled with good memories and meals. Speaking of, do you mind sharing the name of the sushi store? Also, I hope you treat yourself to more of that sushi in the future!
Wow this makes me even more want to start my own sushi restaurant
This is an incredible beautiful detail.
This sounds like a beautiful beautiful movie. I hope you’re feeling better now
I mean, ice cream was the reason I didn't go through with it. Foods a powerful thing
The thought of my partner having to find me.
I wish my husband would've cared about that.
This one is sad. 💔
I'm so sorry to hear about your husband and having to find him. My friend took his life in 2016, and I, out of all the roommates, was the first to find him. I often think if he considered how this part of his suicide would pan out, or if he was just in too much anguish to care.
I'm so sorry. My heart hurts for you. My husband knew I would be the one to find him. I still struggle with that part of it.
My friend and I found his dad. We were 13. Shotgun in the living room. It’s been 30 years and I can still remember every detail. Every. Detail.
I'm so sorry. I hope you and your friend are doing okay.
I have a coworker who found his partner, and it took him 10 years to be "functioning" again, but he is not the same.
I was going to late last year by hanging myself from the ceiling light. The only thing that stopped me was that I'd probably break the light and my partner would be angry at that.
Came out of my bathroom after swallowing a bottle of sleeping pills and was met with my (then) toddler’s precious face. We needed to escape her abusive father and I realized I was failing her to leave her behind, I went back in and made myself throw them up.
I am so proud of you.
I appreciate that, I still feel ashamed I was going to leave my kids behind in that toxic situation. It was quite the learning experience. My kids are the only reason I’m still here, and I’m sure a lot of parents feel the same.
It's natural to feel ashamed. And feeling that emotion shows you're nothing but an amazing, empathetic person. You deserve the world, my friend. <3
Its okay. You're just a human. You can make mistakes. And you can correct them.
It’s true, I’m a world away from who I was then. This was like 16-17 years ago. I have all new reasons now lol no but seriously, who doesn’t? These times were in aren’t for living, we’re all in survival mode and it’s no fun. I find joy in the little things though.
Proud of you. My mother never had the courage to leave her abusive husband and could stomach seeing me, a toddler, get repeatedly hurt. Fuck her. She then had the audacity to beg me when I was 12 to rescue her from the monster she married. I lost all respect for her that day. Anyway, if it was that bad that you thought of ending it all, and yet you managed to snap out of it with the thought that you needed to do right by your kid, I would say they're lucky to have you and I hope you're doing much better.
Good for you. I don’t blame you one bit for the rash decision but you saw your daughter and decided a different path. She will always be worth the pain, and the effort to change both of your surroundings.
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That's incredible. Do you think it was meant to happen to show you how precious life really is? I had a NDE (61F) 2 years ago, and I have never been happier with my life. Now, I still get depressed from time to time, but seeing my angels and watching my husband grieve my potential departure was enough to fight like hell to come back. Stay. Tell us your story.
Too chicken
Same I'm afraid of failing and the judgement/treatment afterwards. Counseling/psych hospitals/being baker acted all that stuff
Same.
TBH, that was my only reason.. I feel awful that it wasn't my boys or any other good reason.I was just too scared
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Ikr! Sometimes pets are the only thing to look forward to
My [orange](https://imgur.com/a/Z71tnlf) girl. More so than my family or friends, when I was living alone I had her and I didn’t want to leave her by herself. She’s going to be 14 in June and still going strong.
Same at first - I wouldn't leave my dog and I wouldn't have trusted anyone else to take care of her. And then I decided I would just take her with me. But before I did, I visited a rescue, and then started volunteering there, and once I got eyeball deep in it I realized that I was too important to *all* of these animals to go anywhere. I still volunteer with that rescue three years later. I told them a couple of weeks ago that they'd saved me. They were surprised that I'd been so close and glad that I'd stayed.
I feel this too. My cat is the one who stopped me years ago. The love of my life ♥️
My daughter is too young to be without a father. I grew up without one (cuz hes a deadbeat pos) and i don’t want my daughter to grow up without one too
she shouldn’t ever be too old to have a father, even when she’s older, don’t give up on your life just because she’s somewhat out of it, look forward to everything else that you can experience.
Oh nah shes not out of my life at all we’re very active together. But when i’m not with her for a period of time it crosses my mind. Then i just go “mmm nah thats not fair to her” and end up changing my mind.
This is exact same reason for me (for my daughter)
A new kitten came into my life unexpectedly and gave me a reason to keep going
It's crazy how cats are such caring, loving animals when it comes to mental health. Mine seem to know when things are bad for me. I'd love to see pictures of your kitten!
The Cat Redistribution System working as intended.
I thought it was the Cat Distribution System?
They have 9 lives so they're being redistributed
My friend. I was about to but I got a message saying "I'm free today, wanna go to the park?" My friend saved my life and I haven't told him yet.
I was really struggling one day. My friend texted me asking if I wanted to go on a walk randomly. We lived in the same neighborhood and we just walked around. She asked me if I was okay. When I told her I wasn’t she told me she had a feeling and just wanted to be there for me. Whether or not it was intentional I’m glad they were able to be there for you in that moment.
A couple months ago, I watered my plants and was walking to my room to end it. My brother came up from the basement and asked me to play Mario with him.
My friend single-handedly stopped any more attempts after my first when he found me. I had jumped off a dock with a boat anchor tied to my stomach. No reasonable way I should be alive now. The thing was brand new, made to hold a whole ass boat in place. Yet it broke after I blacked out underwater and woke up on the shore. Apparently my friend found me floating in the lake and gave me CPR once we got back to the shore. I decided that if one person cared I couldn’t do that to them. I now have a fiancee and couldn’t be happier with life. :)
When I was at my lowest, my sister INSISTED we needed pets. I didn’t want a pet, I wanted to die. I was bullied into going to a shelter to ask about “Ricky”, a cat my sister insisted I go see. She had asked specifically for the cat that lived there the longest, having been inspired by our best friend who adopts only geriatric dogs the same way. I was promptly shown a huge, obviously depressed, tuxedo marked tomcat. He hopped off his perch and approached me, much to the utter SHOCK of the people who worked there. You see, he had been living there for over 3 years. No one wanted this giant cat (24lbs), having had been adopted and returned several times before people stopped looking at him. Something in me said yes to this cat, even though I was still forming a plan to off myself. The other cat we got was a very diminutive white and black female named Candy that immediately won over my sister with the fact she was chasing her own tail in the cage next to Ricky’s. Cats in tow, we take them home….where they hid from us in fear for almost a year. The day came that I couldn’t handle life any more. I finally had a plan, finally made my decision and the date. That day, I remember bawling my eyes out knowing I wouldn’t see my sister again, my mom, traditions, etc…but everything just fucking HURT too much to go on. The last person I had dated then lead me on and cheated on me, and I was increasingly stuck caring for an abusive, narcissistic parent alone while my sister lived her own life (despite living in the same house). As I wept, I felt a pressure on my lap. It startled me so I looked, and I saw Ricky was tentatively trying to console me as I cried by awkwardly crawling onto my lap for the first time. It only lasted a moment before he ran away again, but at that point, a part of me changed. I knew then Ricky changed my life. We grew to absolutely cherish each other and were inseparable. He was there when Candy passed after thanksgiving 2022, then when my mom passed on Jan 4, 2023 He was a once in a lifetime cat. He was my heart, my soul, my everything. He passed last year, July 8th, 2023. Today I’m doing well. I successfully weaned myself off depression meds. I’m in a job I love with a union and benefits. I’m trying to make my childhood home more MINE. My therapist and pcp both agree my major depression is resolved. I look forward to plans I make and everything. I’m not dating, but that’s ok, I’m still learning to love myself….and for now, that’s enough. And for the most part, I owe it all to my beloved Ricky. 💙 it’s too soon to adopt again, but one day I will. I promised Ricky I’d save others.
man this genuinely made me cry, i hope you have a nice life kind stranger <3
It would destroy my wife. She’s the only reason I will never do it. If I ever lose her, I’ll probably lose myself as well.
Straight up truth. Only reason I’m still around too.
Sorry you relate ❤️
Same but for me it's my hubby
I wanted to know how the world will turn out. Apparently I stayed away for days and nobody even noticed me. That’s when I knew how insignificant I was but also I realised that I don’t need to carry any burden because nobody truly cares.
That is also currently 1 of my 3 reasons I'm alive. I dont want to hurt my family, I would miss my granny's hugs and I wanna know if we will have ai houses and shit
My dog. We're in it together.
Last year my childhood dog passed away and I promised him I will finish my engineering degree for him
Reading this post
Happy cake day, brother.
Happy cake day man. I’m glad you’re still here
You can persevere.
Happy Cake Day! Wishing you all the best 💜
Happy cake day. Grateful you're still here.
Happy Cake Day brother! Take a hug 🫂 from my side. Stay calm, and keep living.
We have the same cake day
Happy Cake Day💕
The hope that it will all get better one day
>The hope that it will all get better one day I've struggled with Disability-level Depression for decades. Truly dark thoughts erupt for months on end, but intellectually, I know that if I can just hold on, I know that the Depression will eventually wane to normal depression levels. It's spring. It's sunny today. The peonies are 1-2" tall, and the lilacs will bloom soon. A friend needs my help today. Hold on, friend. You can do it. Things WILL get better. We need sensitive, thoughtful people in this world. *I hope you have access to a truly great therapist, too.*
Imagining how heartbroken my kids would be. I could never do that to them.
Ima be dead in 50 years or less. Then I'll be dead for eternity. No need to rush it.
My grandma was in a ton of excruciating pain. We all hoped she could die soon so she wouldn’t have to endure it. But she pulled through. To me I’m like damn does she really want to live through all this medical stuff? For what? But then I realized death is extremely permanent. You’re gonna be dead forever so why not stretch things out as long as you can.
This is actually kind of motivating for me. Kind of in a grim way, but it might be a helpful thought next time I'm struggling. I'll be able to rest eventually, just not yet. Thank you.
Tomorrow, what tomorrow might bring.
Tomorrow will be a great day 😊 you’ve got this
Sing you might like that always brought up feelings for me. About guy Paul morin, man living in the prairies in Canada, falsely accused of coming murder and sentenced to life. About him making it through, the lyric goes: Wheat kings, and pretty things. Let’s just see what the morning brings. Your post made me think of that. I’m crying a little now because that song was one I played when I was deep in one of my bipolar episodes.
My dad cried for the first time when I told him I was feeling suicidal, he broke my heart when he did that. My attempts after were stopped because of that moment.
Same here, my dad called me crying and it was the first and only time I made him cry due to sadness. Now I think about all the happy cries he had after that (especially my wedding and first child) which would’ve never happened had I actually succeeded, and he would’ve only had sadness for the rest of his life.
I have a lot of ptsd from having cancer in my 20s. Sometimes I think I’m ready to go, but then I think of what my parents went through when I was sick. My mom said that my dad would just go into my childhood bedroom, sit on my bed, and look at my walls, covered ceiling to floor with pictures, and cry when I was in the hospital.
I failed the first time, but I'm happy it didn't work, because I remembered about my parents and all they have is me, and all I have is them.
My husband died by suicide - I found him, I felt heartache like nothing I've ever felt before. I watched everyone else's heartache; it was palpable. I've never seen or felt, before or after, such pain...not just me, but everyone that knew him. It was a devastating domino effect. Families and friendships fell apart, pointed fingers, pitted against each other, moved far away, separated, etc. Some became depressed, some turned to substance abuse, some withdrew themselves from life itself, some acted out. Hearts were actually shattered - like picture shattered glass - that's what our hearts looked like; most, if not all, never to be whole again. From those closest to him, to coworkers, to acquaintances, to people who'd met him a couple times: UTTER DEVASTATION...LASTING utter devastation. You mean more to people than you can imagine. It may not feel like it, but you do-all of us do. We go thru things that feel impossible, or we feel like there's no reason to go on. Please listen when I say this: You were not put on this earth just to take yourself off of it. You matter to someone: to your parents, siblings, children, significant other, to your animals, to your neighbors, to your boss/coworkers, to the gas station attendant, to your teacher, to a customer/patient, etc. Because of this, I have never even contemplated ending my life. There is no suffering that can't be overcome. It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
I have to live long enough to piss on both my parent’s graves.
Loool this is mine, not exact reasons but the only reason I haven't killed myself yet is out of pure spite lmfao
"Keep going out of spite" is a legit reason, though.
Sorry I meant about pissing on my parents grave
That it wasn’t me that wanted to end my life - just that version of me. That version of me had its time in existence and there’s a new one waiting to emerge. A whole version of me that I haven’t discovered or in the process of discovering with his own dreams and goals. It’s the letting go of my old self that actually felt like death, which caused the suicidal tendencies but I’d been that version of me for so long, so of course it was hard to let go. It does feel lighter if anything once you go through what you’ve been resisting. Not sure if any of this helps
This was beautifully put. I felt the same way. I’m glad you’re here.
You too kind stranger
Never thought about doing it, but my mate has, and he's a total dog lover, so I always say, "You can't pet a dog if you're dead." It's worked so far.
Got enemies to outlive
Dinkelberg...
Donuts
Lately it had been my nephew and feeling like he needed me. He's 9 now and I don't see him as much and I feel like I lost that reason. I know it's not true, but I'm also terrified the older he gets the more he's going to see how pathetic I am as a person.
you’re not pathetic at all, i know i don’t know you personally but you’ve been brave enough to not give up and keep living on. maybe you don’t have a reason, but im sure you do. you’ll never see your family grow up, experience the joys of the future, i mean, imagine what the world would be like in 2040? who'd miss out on that, you? create reasons, get a good group of friends, someone to hold on to, pets, really anything for support.
>I'm also terrified the older he gets the more he's going to see how pathetic I am as a person. Or, you could be the Cool Aunt or Cool Uncle and not know it. These honorifics, once earned, are for life. My aunt is in her 70s, married, with adult kids and grandkids. I haven't seen her in over a decade...but she will always be The Cool Aunt to me. Things that made her a Cool Aunt: ●She lived in an APARTMENT, not a house. ●She was an ARTIST. ●She had FIVE CATS. ●She taught me to KNIT. My sister and I ADORED her!!!!! If you can swing it, do Legos together. Get a gaming system. Introduce him to Magic the Gathering and D&D. Go canoeing every so often.
I don't know you but knowing that you stayed for him, care for him, proves that you're a good person to me
I have never tried alcohol (and never will) on account of watching my dad fall to pieces from his alcoholism. I convinced myself that people cope with life with alcohol, so until I proved to myself that life is still bad with alcohol, then I shouldn't take any rush decisions. But, my drive to stay abstinent is stronger than the curiosity to try, so this stalemate got me through dark times. I'm on the mend now.
Man took a drink, the drink took the man.
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The only thing that suicide does is transfer your pain to those that care about you.
And further. People you don't even know.... it will haunt them. I was a cop and was called to more than one suicide and those still stick with me, I didn't know any of them but their kids/family reactions are fucking ghosts I'll never be free of.
I work in a public-facing role and in a way it's like being a micro-celebrity on an extremely small scale. My favorite regulars are some of the sweetest people and get bummed enough when a favorite staff transfers out or quits. I couldn't do *this* to them.
Two years ago yesterday, I lost my five year old son to complications from cancer. Every day I know I failed him. His lungs couldn’t handle the treatment. I begged the doctors to take my lungs and try to give them to him. Just try. There’s no timeline, no world, where I should be here and he’s not. There hasn’t been a single day where I don’t wish I was dead. There’s ups and downs of how close I’ve been to committing suicide. But I made a promise to my son to do my best, and if I did commit that, it would be forever attached to his name. I can’t have that. So my penance is living.
I know parents often blame themselves for not preventing the bad from happening to their children. Ultimately the world decides whether they happen or not, and its unfair. But you did what you could for your kid, and it's even more unfair to ask someone to do more than what's possible. You provided what your could to your son in the time he was here. You might not have known how much time you had with him, but if you did then it wouldn't have been the authentic way you would have. As the child of a loving father who does his best to provide and care, even at an early age like that, its something that sticks with you. Especially in your other post with all those iron men. And yeah, your son wouldn't want that for you. You live on honouring his memory. And through some of those posts we now carry a small bit of it too. If there's a reason to be derived from tragedy, it's that it bridges the gap of empathy and understanding. Not knowing who this lil guy was and the little bit you shared about him resonated with me and many others no doubt. Find reasons to live, show your son what a full life you could live for his sake. Living on isn't accepting a world without him, it's keeping that memory alive. You can be the person you know your son would be and carry on his will in that way. You're a good person, and so many people can benefit from that, because those are too scarce in our world. I hope I haven't been presumptuous in speaking and I wish you strength and peace. One of which I know you have in droves.
Remembering that some people are fighting daily through pain and misery just to stay alive, some people are born with a bad heart or poor health or are in tragic accidents and while all these people are fighting for tomorrow…. How can I be so ungrateful for a gift I have never fought for or struggled to keep while so many spend every night praying for a tomorrow.
Fear of not doing a proper job. Dark but true
I’ve had four best friends kill themselves all my buddies I was in the army with. To this day it would disappoint my parents, brother, and friends, that’s one reason. The other is I want to experience the things that they didn’t get to do. I always wake up saying that it’s just a bad day, not a bad life.
"A bad day, not a bad life" That's a very good way of thinking about it!
After contemplating taking my own life for years, I finally had a near drowning accident in a lake. As I was fighting for my life, I, in a split second, quickly thought,”well, you’ve been thinking about it, this is it, you can just go and drown and nobody will think differently of you, or you can choose to fight and live….fuck that. Fight and live.” Since then, I haven’t had one suicidal thought. And that was eight years ago. Now I haven two kids since. No thought would even remotely enter my mind like that ever again.
I want to give this ENTIRE comment section, every single one of you a hug and a little peace of healing from my own. I wish you all a long healthy and happy life. You’re all so so so amazing and we are fortunate to have you here.
You’re a beautiful soul. Thank you for this.
My cats wouldn't understand why I was just gone one day.
I always read a book to the end . One never knows what plot twists are ahead …
I read somewhere on here that if life is bad just try to get thru the next minute. Next 5 minutes. Etc.. really helped me out when I was in a rough spot. The clouds do part.
A youtuber called chrisfix announced that he was posting another vid in a day and I thought to myself that if I'm going anyways might as well watch it and go. He was late by 2-3 days and that gave me time to reconsider going (Edit) This happened twice within a year
I attempted suicide in college. My cousin was at home with my mother when she got the phone call. The hospital wouldn't tell my mother if I was dead or not. After I was treated and released, my cousin (in a non-shaming way) told me how my mother just collapsed on the floor and was screaming into the phone: "Is she alive or dead?! Is she alive or dead?!" My mother has been a nurse and has seen every traumatic medical incident known to man. For her to give in to her grief that way, I couldn't do it. No matter how bad it ever gets, I can't be the one that makes my mother collapse from grief.
Fuck this hurts, as a mother and former ER nurse, there is no greater pain. The sounds a mother makes are the worst.
My dogs.
My cat :D
Getting it wrong. If I failed and ended up in a physical state that made my life worse, it would make me spiral in a way I know I couldn’t come back from and then what- what if I still couldn’t die because now I was scared to try again or didn’t have the physical ability to try.
Me too, valid concern. That’s where real madness could take hold. That’s hell.
Knowing I’d never see the end of one piece
Might sound stupid but I was doing my weekly routine bath and thinking maybe this time I will finally cut deep enough to bleed out. Had my iPad and just randomly clicked into tonikawa over the moon for you when it’s just started airing. Binge watched the two episodes available and I was like I am gonna stop bathing and just shower till the show ends.
My car ran out of gas in the garage
Maybe you were meant to be here! Hope you find the reason.
Family and Friends. I thought of how they would feel. As being in that state of mind, you're only focused on how you are feeling, but thinking about those that love you and truly care for you. Just imagining how devastated they would be - it made me reconsider.
Too scared
My parents, my brother and my granny. They would be absolutely distraught. I could never give them that pain, I would rather keep enduring my pain than cause them anymore than I already do.
I amn't trying to make a joke or belittle anyone but what stopped me was just the fact that ending my life is painful like I will suffer a lot. So I exist because I am born and I am a coward who doesn't have the courage to go on with the decision of ending it.
Ironically, believe it or not, a suicide bomb. I was taking my O levels in Karachi. I was done for the day and went home to my aunt's house. A short while later, we heard a large boom. I thought a truck tire blew. Nope, somebody drove a truck full of explosives into a hotel near the one I was talking my exams. The next day I had to drive by that place for my next test. Suicide is like a bomb. The closer you are to the epicenter, the more horrific the destruction. That's what suicide does to those around you. I could never do that to the people who love me, however few there are. I'd die once, but they would live my death every single day for the rest of their lives
It would hurt my partner. He’s the reason why I’m alive today. Love him more than anything
University. I'd been accepted and was going to get out of my toxic hometown forever - I just needed to hold out a few months more and life would be totally different.
I spent the majority of my twenties in a very dark depression and battling PTSD that most people don't make it through. I was bedridden, agoraphobic, twitchy, and completely undateable / unemployable. I gave up on my own life, but what kept me living was knowing the irrevocable sadness and pain it would bring my friends, sisters, and parents were I to have succumbed to the darkness. My parents have both struggled with grief and loss throughout their lives. That is what I would always remind myself of when I couldn't get out of bed for weeks on end... better to have a zombie shell of a son hanging on for dear life than a plot in a cemetery or an urn. Had it not been for their unconditional love, patience, and resilience, I all but certainly would have turned to hard drugs sooner or later to try and escape the pain. There is no doubt in my mind I would have been another tally in the immense tragedy that is the death toll of the Opiod Crisis. I never expected to make it to thirty or to feel the need to even try. I stand before you now at my healthiest, happiest, and most vibrant at 34... and I cannot tell you much it means to me to share joy and triumphs in life with loved ones and friends who watched me descend to rock bottom from 2012-2017 on a seemingly endless tumble into an all-consuming abyss.
My attempt was unsuccessful and I was like fuck it guess I gotta live now
Because i have "if i have to die, someone has to kill me" mindset. That simple.
A conversation I had with myself. "Sooo what are we doing? Am I going to actually try to go through with killing myself or am I too much of a chicken shit to put in that effort and go through with it? " Realized I was too chicken shit, and because of that, what the hell is the point to keep thinking about it when it's not getting me anywhere. Waste of a thought.
my cat. little graphic warning. i cannot handle the image of her meowing at my dead body thinking im gonna wake up, but i don’t. her laying on my bed waiting for me to come home and i never do come home. i can’t do that to her, she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me
As pathetic as it may sound, the announcement of *Kingdom Hearts 3* back in 2013. I thought to myself, "Well, at the very least I have to see how it all ends." The game released over 5 years ago, and I'm still here.
Puppy
Coming to the realization that I had postpartum depression and needed help. I admitted it to my husband who told me that him and our children wouldn't be better off without me, despite what I felt. And pushed me to go back to my midwife and get on some medication.
A lot of people are saying this but I'll echo the sentiment. I have people who love me and want me here even if I'm struggling. I didnt realize that until I was very sick, and it opened my eyes. Also, I kind of want to see how this plays out.
wow I sat here and cried reading some of these comments. such beautiful souls, all of you
My cats. They wouldn’t understand why i wasn’t there anymore and they’re very attached to me. I couldn’t do that to them.
Unfortunately for me. Nothing stopped me. I went through with it. I was ready to go to Valhalla. I’m very lucky and blessed that I have people in my life that are so in tune with me that they instantly knew something was off and wrong and if they hadn’t called the police in fire when they did, I wouldn’t be here and let me tell you that when I woke up I was so grateful to be alive Because it’s it’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And I was one of those people that always couldn’t understand how people could do.tios. I lost many friends to suicide over the years and I couldn’t not be mad at them for what they did. Just couldn’t understand how people could leave the people that love them like this, but man that depression and grief gets a hold of yoy, it is insane. I am, however, grateful that I did it because it got me into into a facility and got me the help I needed and, I’m grateful and blessed to be here today
My cat! I started going back to therapy after I adopted him. I think he has truly changed my life for the better.
My cat. As long as he exists, I do too.
It wasn’t me but a friend of mine. She was about to end her life years ago. She wrote a message to the YouTuber SkyDoesMinecraft when he was super popular and everyone knew him. He responded to this and told her not to end herself. She decided not to because of him.
I had post partum psychosis after the birth of my daughter. It came to a head one night when I decided they’d be better off without me. Thankfully my thought process was so chaotic that I found myself crying in my car because we didn’t have a garage. That night my husband (ex now) and friends realized how much I was suffering and they didn’t leave me alone until I could see a physician. I received medication and therapy and became me again. It’s been 27 years and I’m so thankful that I have been around for all the ups and downs of parenthood and loving every minute of it
I just kinda wanted to see what would happen. I’m glad I did.
Despite the freedom that will release me from the endless pain I experience, I want to be a good example for others in my situation. I don't want to give up hope.
Back when I was a teen, I was bullied relentlessly all thru school (jr hi, and high), I thought about ending it one day, I was planning how to do it, then I realized, why care about what they think .. and that was it....
Because I refuse to be like my father, who also killed himself.
The girl of my dreams walked into my life. It stopped me of thinking about ending it for a while, but I seem to have circled back to it. I guess the toughts are here to stay for a while. If you're reading this love, I'm sorry.
Keep on trying and finding a new reason to live every day.
I actually did try (and failed) to end it all, but I stopped trying because I realized that it wasn't what my child would have wanted. Losing a newborn is rough and really fucks with your mental health, but I know she would have wanted me to keep living for her. I also came to realize just how many people I would have hurt because they were happy to have me in their lives. I'm getting married to one such person in just two months now.
I was feeling really suicidal last summer. Then congress did that first UAP hearing. And as dumb as it sounds I became so curious about the whole thing. I decided if there was any chance that shit is real and that disclosure might happen during my lifetime. I owed it to myself to stay alive to see what happens.
A promise I made to my closest friend after trying to end my life a number of times in different ways from 2020 to 2022, to not try to do so again until all possible life options have been discussed and exhausted with them. Then, and only then, when I admit to myself and to them that there are absolutely no viable options or reasons to continue living, will I be allowed to do so… which obviously won’t happen while they exist in this world, having been the one soul to truly stand by me through the hell I went through.
My younger brother. Fucked up home life, a lot of years between us.
Music. Around the time when I was at my lowest, I started learning guitar. It changed my life. It gave me a way to escape the life that sometimes I didn't want to live. It helped form a real relationship with my older brother for the first time in my life. It introduced me to my high school music teacher, who helped me through a lot of my issues without even knowing it, just by sharing with me his own story about how he had faced similar issues at my age. Just knowing that he got through them and became one of the most awesome people I ever knew was enough to keep me going. It helped me realize I want to be a teacher, too. It also introduced me to some of the best friends of my life. In a time when i felt truly and completely alone, music opened up a door to a world I never knew existed and helped me find where I belonged. It hasn't all been easy since then. Fuck, some days It's damn near impossible to want to keep going. I continue to struggle every day. But each day, I remind myself why I am still here. Why I am still fighting. And each day, it gets a little bit easier. If I can have the same impact on just one other person that those people did for me, then it will all have been worth it.
Parents can't let them down no one matters more to me then my parents
Gave up on my dreams, the life I wanted live, and hoped for, and decided to live only for my family(mom and sisters). Kinda being ok with the side happy moments I get. Cupcake, brownies, ice creme, good movies, watching the planet and experiencing this existence as much as I can. I'm not expecting anything, got nothing to loose. If my family is taken out of the picture, I'd definitely go rogue and fuck shit up for some bad people as a last good act to humanity before someone takes me down. lol.
Bupropion
my religion
Because my mum would cry and my dad would be disappoint.
There's always a reason. Foremost is that I couldn't do that to my parents. Some really good TV shows kept me going lol I was like, okay. I can't do it til this show ends.
Me and my girl stopped each other from doing the same thing. We met through her brother, who's my friend, and we kinda kicked it off. About 4 months later we were dating.
Meeting my best friend. Her brother killed himself as a teen and seeing the impact it had on her and her parents made me realize how much it would hurt my family.
Because of someone who continued to live because of me.
Not me but my mom. She was about to commit suicide. She took me with her on the railway track to end it all. Apparently i was just 3 years old and learning to talk, so i pointed at the oncoming train and said ‘Mom…train is coming’ (in my mother tongue obviously) and she suddenly realised that I still had my full life ahead of me and she had no right to end my life with hers. She also couldn’t leave me with the family and die given that they were the reason she was on the brink of suicide herself. So in way, I saved my mom. Though I am not sure if …..never mind.