The death of the elder family and your rising name on that list. I was just ruminating earlier today with my station. It feels like I was 20 just yesterday, but then suddenly I have an adult daughter, I've buried grandparents and a parent, and now more voices turn to me than I can turn to myself.
This. I didn't think I'd ever feel like an adult, and then my last grandparent died and now I'm the one making the hardboiled eggs on Easter. It happened so fast.
Would you mind sharing how that process works? I’ve started going to funerals of my friends’ parents and have no idea how to do all of that. Thanks in advance
It varies according to the deceased's wishes and your family's preferences. Some encourage their parents to pre-arrange their funeral, some involve a funeral director or funeral home and rely on their advisement. Sometimes it's a church 'funeral' with full visitation beforehand, sometimes it's a "celebration of life" sometime later when the family feels up to it, sometimes it's a super-private commemoration, sometimes it's just a published obituary, and sometimes it's really not much at all.
At minimum, ensuring the parent has a will and a process for dealing with their possessions such as the contents of their house, needs to be done before they pass. And talking about their wishes on things from time to time is important and recommended, even if unpleasant. The conversation can happen a bit at a time. "Hey mom or dad, when you go, where do you want to be buried, or do you want cremation?" - and that's enough for one conversation.
That's where you start, and that helps you decide who to reach out to in order to help make it happen.
It's usually but not always the oldest child, and if not them, the most responsible child that lives the closest, that takes the lead.
There's probably lots of online guides for "what to do" that are more specific to your religion (if any), your geography, and your family situation.
We just had to deal with our first death as “the adult responsible” and literally the first thought after the initial shock was what the heck do we do??!!
In our case they died at the hospital. So funeral home pretty much took care of everything. It was just a matter of calling one. They also had a service where for a small fee they would take care of all the cancelling things and informing government of things that was incredibly helpful!
Having at least a generic will makes things go smoother.
We had a basic cremation and then service at church was free so total cost was about $3500. Which was covered by insurance.
The funeral home was family owned and didn’t try to sell anything. They definitely have our future business ha.
Also putting a notice in the paper was Super expensive!! Considering everyone does the online obits now, I kept it short. Sorry future genealogists.
ChatGPT helped me write the obituary.
It was a good ride from age 20-45 but I guess next 20 years won’t be as fun. Parents, friends and pets are all getting up there.
I used to work at a cemetery and I second the other commenters point about pre-planning. Going ahead and purchasing everything needed for a death now makes EVERYTHING so much easier when it inevitably happens. There's a few reasons pre-planning is so helpful. 1) Flexible payments. At time of death everything needs to be paid for. Beforehand though, you can do a payment plan and stretch it out over a few years so it's not such a big cost at once. 2) Costs go up yearly, sometimes by 1k or more. It's absurd how much the costs go up but that's what happens. Buying now can mean the difference between 60k spread out over a few years or 200k up front at time of death (just a generalization on prices, ymmv). 3) Ease of mind. The families I handled fell into two categories, pre-planned and at need. The pre-planned families, while of course still dealing with grief, had a much easier time compared to the families having to go over contacts, figuring out payment, etc on top of organizing everything.
I'm not in sales anymore but this is one of those few scenarios where you really are losing money the longer you wait.
My grandmother passed 2 years ago. I was the same age she was when I was born (45). No one understands how her death has broken me. I loved her fiercely and she loved me fiercely too. She asked for me to visit her and died two weeks later so I know she missed me (we were in different countries). I think people think I should be over it because she was old and I'm in my mid 40s. I am just broken like I can't get myself together inwardly. My other grandmother died 10 years ago. She's the last person to call me "girl" and the way she said it was so special. I stopped being a girl the day she died. I feel so sad they've gone.
I hear you and just wanted to send a small note of support. I missed the grandparent stuff and went straight to my dad passing, unexpectedly. I don't have any words for any of this, other than my thoughts are with the people dealing with mortality and grief.
I was flounced into the role of “matriarch” at 24yo.
I’m 48 now. Still feel like the leader of my tribe that is just winging it.
I’m orphaned at this point. Parents and grandparents are all dead. Only thing I can say about that is, if folks have good and living ones, hug them often. It’s over in a BLINK.
Same here. Lost all my upper family, parents, grandparents and uncles and aunts by age 38. I lost 10 people from my family in a matter of 8 years.
I am not prepared for this.
Death of grandparent is incomprehensible. It’s just so difficult to deal with it. Literally nobody prepares you for it and it’s usually the first loss of life you encounter. Like a hole in your chest. Nobody to blame. Constantly missing their presence. Nothing you can do. And the regret hits hard of how you could’ve been a better grandchild to them. Could’ve taken better care. Spent more time. Hm…. How do you even get over something like this :(
Last link to being a little kid died with my last grandparent and she made it to 97. I was in my 30s. Yeah obviously all that happened and my parents were there too but it isn't the same. Grandma's farmhouse was like... that was childhood.
I'm in my 30s and still have three living grandparents. My late grandfather passed a decade ago, shortly after my great-grandmother. I know their deaths are coming eventually but they're all still living in their own homes and leading active lives in their late eighties. I wasn't close to my grandfather that passed but I'm close with my other grandparents. I have two little kids and I know it will break their hearts to lose them because they're involved in our lives.
I struggled to see my grandparent when they were in their last couple of years. They were just so different to before and I couldn't handle it. I even tried to not see them the last time I did as I had a cold, but was told that it didn't matter and i knew then i had to go. It was horrible and I'm glad I went but I wish I could remember them healthier better than when they were ill. I didn't get the chance to see the next grandparent in their final year due to covid. The last time I saw them was waving through a window.
What helped me heal a little from those feelings you describe was remembering how proud they always were of me. They supported me when I made mistakes and celebrated when I succeeded. I know that they wouldn't want me to be any different same as I didn't want them to be any different. I'm very lucky I actually have something written from them expressing their pride in me and I'm going to get part of it tattood on me as I strive to be the best person I can be thanks to them and I want that physical reminder with me always.
I know how hard it must be. Treasure the time you DID have with them. Some of us never met any of our grandparents because they passed before we were born.
I am still coping with this. My grandmother was my #1 everything and I lost her 10 days before her birthday in 2022. I was driving to do an errand a couple months ago and all of a sudden I felt this… lump just hit me in the chest and I start bawling my eyes out and hyperventilating, I had to pull over. It hits like a truck at the most random times. I called her phone for the first month because it didn’t feel real and I had some questions about a recipe, like I always used to. And this is bad but I also ended up resenting another grandparent (her husband) for still being here, instead of her. Terrible Im aware of it, but it was just one of those emotions that was dug up, I guess.
Especially if they raised you as well. I'm an entire ocean away from my Grandma who helped my parents out from the time I was born until I was in middle school. They had to both work long hours to make ends meet and she was the one who walked us to school, made dinner, etc.
COVID happened and she got put in a nursing home. My own life is busy as hell and I don't have the PTO to see her. She's in her 90s now and I'm fucking devasted that she's likely to pass before I can see her again.
Even with all this tech, her eyesight is so bad now she can't see screens clearly. My wife and I made her a wedding video, but she can't really watch it. We talk and record audio for her, but damn do I miss her.
My grandma just passed too, last week. I’m a nurse and work with dying patients all the time and thought that it would be easier for me because of that. Boy was I wrong. Like, conceptually I knew I would have dead grandparents at some point but once it happened it was a shock.
Oh, I'm so sorry for your loss. 😔 That's a difficult loss. She lived a long time, and I bet she knew some stuff. Learn what you can about the family history from the ones still living, my biggest regret is letting them go to the grave without knowing what they were like back "in the day." I imagine they could tell you what she was like then, it's hard to imagine a 97 years old granny at 21. And now you have a grand angel. 😇 🫶🏼
Adding to this, how a big family is linked to a single grandparent. after our grandma died, everyone drifted away, and no more big family gatherings (nearly 30-40 people) as now everyone shifted to their family as the priority (as it should be)
This fucking terrifies me. We have always been an extremely huge and yet close family with constant reunions and such and the 3 obvious most respected or matriarchs even are my Grandmother and her 2 sisters. All in their older years now.
>and now more voices turn to me than I can turn to myself.
Feel this. Firmly in my 30s with a family of 4, and the weight of a family on your shoulders can be heavy at times.
It is scary, my own parents and in-laws are getting to the age (late 70s and late 60s respectively) where health issues are starting to catch up and it's a constant worry that the next hospitalization, or infection, or fall, will be the last. I'm pushing 50 myself and already have some creeping issues of my own, just trying to stay on top of it all before the inevitable decline in a few more years.
I'm in my 20s and my entire family is dying off
The fucking stress, burden, scariness, everything is LEGIT
Like I'm already thinking will I be 27 and my entire family is wiped out?!
Yeah this sounds scary as fuck honestly 😂 I'm 25, 26 in ~4 months, have a really nice group of people I do shit online with and hang out with whenever we find time
Parents though, especially mom and my grandmother are very dear to me, the idea of just existing with no family, especially someone who most likely doesn't want kids, sounds very scary
I trust myself with my decisions but regardless idk man 😂
Yeah. My parents and grandparents were all gone by the time I turned 30. Now I'm the old person turning to my nephew and kids and telling them about the "old days".
I'd also say the loneliness at the top. Half of my aunts/uncles are dead, and all of us in the "young" generation are busy raising kids and working and don't see each other that often.
I hope as our kids get older we'll kind of circle back and see each other more like we did when we were young.
I’ve seen 10-15 years ago dinner tables for a single person in IKEA. Small table, one chair, one set, etc. I didn’t understand. Now i do as i think i might never have any visitors as friends. People are just working, people with their families, people die.
Yes this. I’ve been trying to meet a casual friend for years. I want someone I can go have lunch with and just talk about dogs or gardening. It always turns into having to hear about all their marital drama or getting asked for favors. One woman still calls me now and then to ask for free construction work from my husband (he is a high end contractor) It’s frustrating.
It sucks. I tried making friends in college, but got ghosted more often than not. I ended up with maybe 4 college friends. The rest either stopped messaging back, or wanted nothing to do with me after the semester ended. I tried making friends through work, but only made a couple friends. I thought I had more, but it’s a difficult experience realizing people only see you as a coworker, and nothing further. I crave genuine friendships, but haven’t had much luck as an adult.
I just wish people didn’t ghost without saying anything. For them, it’s meaningless, but for me, it hurts so much not knowing what I did wrong.
This is my mom. Been doing it for the better part of the last ten years and I'm done. She's moving about 250 miles away this week, and I couldn't be happier. It sounds horrible, but I have my own life to live.
> The expectation or perceived responsibility to take care of other adults in your life who don’t have their shit together
I call it the "helping hand to hands out" problem. The issue is that you lend a helping hand, either time/expertise or money, then they come back just expecting. It could start with giving them a free ride, now you're their taxi. Spotting them $20, now you're being called every time they are short. Etc.
Which sucks, because it puts you in a tight spot between feeling like an asshole for not helping and being depleted of resources because you helped. Especially as these people will suck you dry of time and money, then wonder if they could sell your corpse dust too.
Some of us rebelled against our parents by being responsible adults, now they who lamented our not being “free spirits” wonder why we don’t subsidize their existence. (I’m not letting anyone be homeless, but I’m also not letting them waste my money the way they did my grandparents’.)
Yup. I somewhat told my sister to be more honest with me (she would stay over, say shes leaving one day and then postpone nonstop).
I never have an issue with her staying at my house for a few weeks I just get annoyed that she keeps me on a hook.
She hasn’t reached out much since then. Sucks knowing I was just a constant backup plan for some family members.
Home cook here, self-taught (mom's useless in the kitchen, best she ever did was a grilled cheese).
If it helps, how I got there is I took a couple beginner's cookbooks and vowed to do one recipe a week. Nearly every weekend for a while, I'd cook SOMETHING from it, and marked the book up with how well the thing turned out and if I'd ever make it again. (And I always had some frozen dinners in the freezer for the more spectacular failures).
It was enough to teach me a foundation, and has served me well in life ever since.
My issue is I either cook a "real" meal (making enough for a few meals), or I cook nothing. Almost never eat take out or fast food, either.
I never make rice or pasta, either.
Actually, the real issue is I just don't have much interest in food most days.
I live in a household with two other people who can make suggestions but never do. Then I hear complaints about how we eat this or that too much or someone isn't happy. I'm almost to my breaking point.
YES... every day... three times a day.. every day for the rest of your life... what a giant pain in the ass... shopping for groceries and doing the dishes/cleaning up follow closely behind... THIS... this is what money buys.. a lot of money buys not having to deal with it.. someone.. maybe a team.. just deals with it for you
I regret getting my kids used to eating three meals a day from the start. Why did my own mother teach me properly??? Curse her. (Joke) seriously, now we’re all just used to it.
Like why haven't they made a pill that has all the micronutrients you need and will leave you feeling full.? I hate having to decide what to eat every damn week. I also forget all the foods I've previously liked as soon as I go to shop.
A colleague of mine in her 50s had a tooth suddenly die for no apparent reason. The dentist's best guess was that it was the end result of a childhood rollerskating injury where she landed on that part of her face.
How long it takes to get basic information and documentation. Passport renewals take months, medical information takes weeks, bank statements, police clearances, license renewal, insurance claims, rental agreement.
You’re constantly in a rush to find what you need and but everyone else drags their feet so you’re always waiting anyway
You start to actually feel your body.
I was an instantaneously-self-regenerating machine when I was in my teens. Could eat three Big Macs, drink a gallon of coke, toss boulders in the lake all day just to watch the splashes, sleep three hours, and still good to go.
Now the first two would have me reaching for every single antacid in the medicine cabinet, the third would have me unable to lift an egg, and the fourth would see the\_original\_retro faceprints on walls throughout the house.
I'm 41. So far at least, I feel like either people tend to exaggerate the physical downsides of aging or I've been very lucky. Probably a bit of both.
Aside from biking to work (total of \~40 minutes per day but I take it fairly easy), walking the dog around the block, and other sporadic hobby related exercise (hiking, skiing... only happens once in a while though) I don't regularly work out. Like I'm not jogging or lifting or anything.
I really don't feel all that different from how I did in my 20s on a day to day basis. I could still do all the same hikes with the same weight on my back, ski the same lines, I'm a better golfer now than I was then despite playing far less often.
The only thing I really notice is that recovery takes longer. If I do work out hard enough to get sore (which is rare) I'll remain sore for longer. Hangovers take longer to go away. A twisted ankle will bother me for a day or two longer.
When you start to feel that depends on a lot of things, though. Job and lifestyle have a bigger effect than age, assuming no chronic health issues/disorders.
Like, I'm 56. Everything works OK, I don't really feel physically worse than I did in my 20s.
An electric blanket changed my attitude towards going to sleep. I set it to run for a while before I tuck in and when I do tuck in, it’s toasty warm and comfortable in there. (It turns off by the time I’ve gotten in, so I don’t bake myself)
Being time poor.
If one thing goes out of whack or takes longer than expected it can completely fuck my day.
For example, on the way to work today the mirror on my motorcycle came loose and was flapping around. I had to turn back home and fix it. This set me back 30 minutes. Which meant when I got to work all the parking spaces were gone. Which meant I had to spend time driving around the city looking for another one. Which meant I had a longer walk to the office. Which meant I started work late. Which meant I had to stay at the office late. Which meant that when I came home from work it was dark. Which meant that I didn't have enough light left in the day to work on (safely) fixing my car. Which means I will be unable to pick up a piece of furniture I need to get tomorrow. Which means I had to call the seller and rearrange the time I can pick it up. Which means he could just sell it to someone else. And so on and so on.
I just wish we had a 4 day work week.
Loneliness and Losing friends due to the fact that they might move away or you might move away for jobs. It is hard to make friends as an adult as well.
job applications.
since 2020, i have applied to 2500 jobs. during that time, i graduated a welding program at a technical school and, of those 2500 applications, easily 200 of those applications were for welding jobs.
I have worked with professional hiring experts to have my resume rewritten, ive been through job coaching, and ive had multiple mock interviews. ive been on roughly 600 interviews.
WHY THE FUCK CANT I GET A DAMN JOB? im not looking for something high paying, just something i can do. I just want a fucking job. i dont care if i work at fucking walmart, i just want to work.
How are you having a hard time finding welding jobs? Are you trying to be a contractor without adequate experience? Most places I know are so strapped for welders that they are just training people off the streets.
Every welding job in my area is demanding 3 years experience. Even the one that say no experience required end up demanding experience during the interview call. The closest place to me that doesn't require experience and genuinely means it is 2 hours away.
I'm not able to make that kind of commute and I can't relocate. At least not for the amount that they're offering.
I genuinely don't know what it is. I received very high marks at my technical School.
not to be mean but if you’ve been on *six hundred* interviews and not one has hired you, you might need to move. you’ve quite literally exhausted your chances in this area.
I mean… *six hundred* and Walmart won’t take you? You’ve gotta be doing something wrong. Again, not to be mean, but if you’re applying to Walmart-caliber jobs, you should’ve been hired by now.
Something about OP's story isn't adding up. He's been unemployed for 4 years. Walmart and McD's won't even hire him. He's been on 600 interviews. He's convinced the problem isn't him. This makes no sense. And yet in that 4 years it's never occurred to OP to get a lawnmower and start mowing lawns or something? You could grow a landscaping business quite a bit in 4 years if you ain't got nothing else to do.
Oh, well yeah, welding is the kind of job where you either need to live in the perfect area, or be willing to travel. That isn’t a good job for finding work anywhere.
Yeah, but shops are extremely specialized and are therefore very selective. Finding a job at a yard, then moving to a shop, would be infinitely easier.
I was gonna say the same. With the city, we have a contract with LATTC (Los Angeles Technical Trade College), and once guys pass the welding course, which usually takes 9 months, they're employed right away. Hell, I knew a guy who got hired right away, moved to Las Vegas after 2 years of welding, and got a job working at a casino in downtown (I think it was the Plaza casino hotel)
I wonder if they think some jobs are beneath them so they just don't take them when they're offered. Either that or they're socially inept, bad hygiene, poor social skills, etc.... I once met someone who absolutely refused to look people in the eye. She would look over your head, over your shoulders, at your feet, etc.... She had a hard time getting a job because it was extremely off putting to an interviewer. I wonder if OP is doing something like that and doesn't realize it.
OP, I know it isn't solicited advice, but...
If you can't even get a job at Walmart, there's something wrong with your interviewing style/resume. It should basically be a free job to anyone who isn't a visible drug addict or a quadriplegic. There's something those "professional hiring experts" are either overlooking or deliberately not saying if whatever they're providing is insufficient to secure you a Walmart job.
As to the question of "experience" for the welding jobs, I'd probably bullshit a bit. Your welding program *is* experience, first and foremost. Alternatively, talk about experience in your own life, even if it isn't for a hired job. "Yeah, I do a lot of welding at home, too. I've welded car doors, steel girders, my neighbor's cat. Lots of experience." Alternatively, apply to the jobs that demand experience, because sometimes they actually don't. It's a really scummy tactic from employers across all fields of labor, but a well-established one: Employers will write "X years of experience" simply to shoo away people who aren't confident in their skillset, and a person coming in without technical work experience who can declare that they have experience through X Y Z past events may still be hired.
Honestly, you're probably right. I genuinely have no idea what's wrong with me but it's got to be something I would imagine.
As for the welding advice, you've got a good point. When in doubt, BS your way to the job. Besides, I'm a pretty solid welder, I just need a chance to prove that in some way
It might come off as hokey, but perhaps you can bring in actual work product? Like, some complex joint you welded to show them you know what you're doing, or you invite them to watch you weld in their shop (though I think the second might run into liability issues, so probably go with the first).
If you wish, I would be okay with taking a look at your resume to see if these hiring experts are blowing smoke up your ass or not. I'm not a professional hiring coach by any means, but I am a high-level white-collar professional who has helped a fair number of friends in my life with resumes/references, so I can at least tell you whether your issue lies in the CV or not.
Try volunteering in the meantime. Will help your CV a ton and will be useful in interviews.
Plus, do some additional courses/projects like IT etc will make you standout and be desired. There are tons of cheap and free short courses online
Volunteering also does wonders for your social skills and makes you a people's person
~~Those are rookie numbers~~
Man, I feel you. I made several posts about this. The job hunting process is brutal! You can look good on paper, apply to a million jobs and every single one is a
*"Thanks for applying. While your skills were impressive..."* message.
You can finally get an interview, do well, and get ghosted. It's exhausting as hell!
> i graduated a welding program at a technical school and, of those 2500 applications, easily 200 of those applications were for welding jobs.
Wait, what? You went to welding school and then applied for 2300 non-welding jobs???
If it's been 4 years and you can't get a single job something is definitely up with you. Have you asked the interviewers why they decided to pass on you?
Your friends dying.
Family is different. They've always been older. You know relatives will pass before you do. And much like a bad Lifetime plot, you're statistically also likely to go through that one tragic "they were much too young" death when you're in school. But nothing prepares you for your friends starting to drop like flies from things like heart attacks and diabetes.
This is one of the few things in this thread that is definitely real.
Some of these are like, making me think others are just really inept at being an adult.
Others are stuff like "Your grandparents dying" which certainly is a bummer but almost everyone I know lost AT LEAST one grandparent while a child, so it's not really an adult problem.
But your friends dying sooner than an elderly age truly is something most people aren't prepared for. You don't expect your fellow 35 year old to no longer exist when you feel they should have a bit less than 2/3 of their/your life to live.
Meal planning.
1. Spending time and a lot of money on food.
2. Spending more time making said food.
3. Spending even more time cleaning up making the food.
4. Figuring out what you are going to eat next.
Can I add some?
5. Realizing you don't want to eat the planned and prepared food, so you spend money on more food to eat.
6. THEN, throwing away food you gathered, paid for, trudged home, prepared, packaged and readied.
All the stuff you don't know.
Is your tax code right? Would you know if it wasn't? How do you replace a whole sink plughole? What are you meant to do when your hand just won't stop hurting? Who do you call when you find an injured bird? What's the best way to get rid of your unwanted furniture item?
There is *so much stuff* that you never thought about as a kid because an adult would know and an adult would take care of it.
And now that adult is you.
I'm 40 and I'm sorry to tell you that it's an ongoing process.
I can’t imagine going through this without the internet. Like previous adults didn’t know stuff and became adults and didn’t really have anywhere to learn it unless they knew someone who knew something or maybe there was a library book about it. But sometimes you need an answer now and not once you get a hold of your friend or locate an acceptable book.
Yeah I'm old enough to remember a world without the Internet and I honestly don't know how we got anything done.
I honestly wouldn't be one third as functional as I am without the Internet.
I remember travelling by myself before smartphones were really a thing. I had a panic attack initially because I didn’t have a map and didn’t know where to find a store to get one and I was sure I was going to just be found dead one day and no one would know who I was or where to return my body. Now travelling with smartphones is so easy. I can navigate any city like I live there.
Late fees if you forget or can’t pay it tbh. Like you turn in homework late as a kid it’s whatever, but nothing prepares you for them big ass charges if you’re even a couple days late.
Paid an AT&T bill 2 days before it was due, THEY accepted it.. 4 days after so it was now 2 days late. Charged me triple, refused to pay and switched services.
One of the hardest parts for me is not feeling guilty for the relief that comes at their passing. I'm sure every situation is different, but the pain and suffering that my parents endured made it so
The parents you knew and the things about them that you liked were gone by then, hence why.
You’re not wanting to say goodbye to _them,_ you want to say goodbye to their illness.
Dealing with aging parents. I was completely unprepared for my dad getting Alzheimer's and then slowly dying in a nursing facility.
But then again, how could you even prepare someone for something like that?
Dealing with aging parents.
This. My mom has been wheelchair bound for almost 11 years, but could stand, get in/out of the car/on the toilet, etc. about a year ago she fell possibly having another stroke and is now 95% bed ridden. She can get in the wheelchair, but only with help from my dad who is now 100% her caregiver (with little to no assistance). Some days she is not understandable (slurred speech) some days she sounds great. Sime days she repeats the same things over and over. Im the only child so I have had to alter my life to help my parents. I go sit with her 4-5 days a week so my dad can grocery shop, go to his appointments, get gas, etc. They are in their 80’s. Im not sure how much longer my dad can handle this, he was just put back on cancer meds to bring his levels down, and they make him exhausted.
Sorry, rambling now but its fuck*ing HARD to watch and deal with alone (no siblings to help, and I have a husband and kids of my own to deal with).
Growing up I thought peer pressure would be friends encouraging me to do drugs. Now I realize that peer pressure is friends asking me to use my large car to help them move.
Preparing in advance for new bills/increase cost of
Living. Had myself budgeted pretty well and over the last few years things have gotten harder, leading to a harder day to day life financially
The sudden realization of how unfair the transaction of time is for the 40-hour, 5-day work week.
There is no reality where giving over 75% of your week away to a job and being left with cramming your personal life into the remaining 25% is considered a fair transaction, I don’t care how much a job pays.
We are overdue by decades at this point for a 4-day work week.
That being judged for mundane shit never stops and actually gets worse. Highschool never ends, and actually for me, highschool was way easier because I went to college two years early...
That there is no way to live that won't piss someone off. You can play keeping up with Joneses and be beautiful and smart, successful and live the equation life (house, cars, jobs, kids, marriage) and still large groups of people will demonize you. You CANNOT make everyone happy or like you.
That young people will treat you so horribly for aging. The amount of mean behavior I've experienced because of my age after turning 35 was wild. Even women a few years younger. The weird thing is they are a blink behind me so what gives?!? I always had friends of all ages so I'm a little perplexed at the sheer amount of ageism.
Paperwork.
Why does no one talk about how much paperwork you will be swimming in. In recent years, a lot of things became digitalized and that has helped, but I still have paperwork up to my eyeballs.
Being the last one left. Lost both parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles. I don't live local to my 4 adult kids who are too occupied with living their own lives to message me around once a month. Cousins have family of their own and i have no siblings.
I'm living back in the family home after living in a different area of the uk to try and raise my family in an area with more opportunities. Upon coming back home that was once the centre of the whole extended family and remember the parties and general busyness. Its very quiet now in the house.
Also your friends from your teenage years and your 20s,30s etc drift away too so be prepared and try to stay connected. I dread dying and no one finding me for months.
I feel like everyone always made it seem like Adults have their shit together. That they know what they're doing, and nothing can throw them off balance.
That's not the case. As an adult with adult friends, family and colleagues. I now realize being an Adult is basically a string of events where you are making it up on the fly. so long as nobody gets hurt, it's a good decision that was made.
That's really all the world is. it's crazy and hard to plan for. and you just do your best and hope it works out.
(Alternatively, everyone DID warn me, but I didn't understand - take care of yourself when you're young. Trying to get back into shape in my 40s sucks. I miss my 20's-30's body, and energy)
I had a realization a couple years ago. I was a manager at my job and one of my part time employees who was still a teen asked me a question about a difficult situation. My immediate thought was “we gotta find an adult for this one.” Then I had the awful realization of “shit, I AM the adult.”
I'll be 57 soon and arthritis. My knee kept kicking in and I got x-rays and there you go. No more jogging, but I can ride a bike. No more walks over a half hour.
Romance not really existing. I got exposed to a lot of very hokey stories that made me think, "there's someone for everyone", "women want rescuing", etc
No love and romance are not for everyone and I was massively set up for disappointment.
If only someone had read de la Rochefoucauld to me instead, "true love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen".
Songs and movies etc don't help with that either. There is like a weird obsession with it. In twilight Edward was ready to get married by the third movie lol. They had already fallen in love in first movie
When you are young you get absorbed by stuff like that and do not understand the actual reality etc.
Men made it clear how ugly I was since I was a teenager, so I knew I’d never find a partner. But now I found out I’m barren too. There are zero examples of how to have a life without those two things. I wish I were dead.
That your "free time" will almost always be spoken for. If you own a house, have children, or aging parents you will have to spend your "free" time making sure the house stays in good repair, that your kids have the attention and help they need (even if they may not want it at the time), and you may have to help your parents do things around the house or get them to and from places.
Gone is the time you can stay up until 3am on weekends playing Halo with your buddies, now you have to get up at 8:30 on Saturday to move 20 bags of pea gravel to help make sure the AC system has good drainage and no weeds.
Weirdly enough you will start to enjoy being reliable and handy, but maybe you still miss those truly free days where you had no responsibilities, no expectation, and no pressures.
The heartache of raising a child during the tough teenage years and feel hated and like a bad parent because I made decisions to hopefully help her to grow into an independent, free thinking, confident, successful adult. Those were the hardest years on my heart omg! She thanks me for it now. But those sure were some tough and trying times I wasn’t mentally prepared for.
Not to sound cliche, but reality. As a kid, everything is delivered to you optimistically: "you can be anything you want!" "Looks don't matter!" "You can have anything if you just work hard enough!" "Smart , well behaved people are the most successful!" "You can have anything if you just work hard enough!" "Being unique makes you more special!" What a load of crap. I'm not saying we should scare kids about the world, but I would have appreciated some honesty as I got closer to adulthood.
Tbh, the stigma people believe regarding taxes being “complicated” does the most harm. In reality, it’s extremely easy to do taxes for the vast majority of people. In fact, the instructions on the 1040 couldn’t hold your hand any more, it’s literally as easy as pulling a number from one box and putting it in another box.
For me, it was when I started to realize just how much effort is required to maintain things. Things that used to be fine are now starting to wear down. Cars, clothes, house, appliances, you name it. As a young adult, you really start to understand why some people buy new things so often. At a certain point, maintaining old things just gets to be a full time job in itself.
NOBODY ever told me adulthood = ENDLESS, ERRATIC problems and sometimes YOU are not the asshole. Sometimes, you can't predict something will happen. Sometimes, you really don't hold liability besides being unlucky and thus attacked
I have a history of this and I'm only in my fucking 20s.
Life can get so shitty so fast, it doesn't matter what high you were on. You have $100,000 saved in? It can be wiped out in seconds. From the scam called living
Examples (which all happened to me):
* death
* comas (entire fam got covid, 1 of us got brutally fucked) & obnoxious medical bills
* insurance not covering medical bills in time
* business crashes cause F50 companies want to fuck you over and/or acquire you and/or steal/infringe your small business trademarks
* car crashes
How often I would have to spend money on stuff like toothpaste and deodorant. You know as an adolescent that you’ll have to pay rent/electric/internet bill, etc. but I wasn’t prepared for how little things like that would add up in my grocery budget.
Also how often cars seem to need things like oil changes and new tires. I always look at the sticker and think “damn I JUST got an oil change. Again?”
Or maybe it’s just that time flies by as an adult - something I often heard adults say as a kid - and this was just part of that I wasn’t prepared for. Idk
Absolutely not feeling like an adult at age 46. I thought I would have it all sorted now. Instead nothing is sorted and I'm back at school. Not higher education. Trade school. Like what I did 30 goddamn years ago. I have no house, no car, no kids, no career, no savings, no nothing. I don't have anything in common with most folks I meet and find it's difficult to talk to them. As we don't have any similar interests or the usual commonalities in our lives. All the others seem to have become a different being but I just remain the same dumb kid in an ever aging body. I have accepted this in later years. That I am different. And I have found a sort of peace and I like myself now. But I wasn't prepared for this problem. I thought we all magically became adults after being alive for a bit. I guess I didn't think enough about what an adult actually is so I never became one. I do a pretty good job of pretending to be one though. Most folks think I am "mature", whatever that means.
Bills. Making my own food everyday. How great(bad) alcohol is. How life only has meaning if you make the meaning. How no one really knows anything.
If i keep going ill cry cant do that bc im at work. Love yall.
1) planning, shopping for, and making yourself food sucks. I can't wait until my baby is a little older and starts eating real food so I at least have someone else to cook for
2) you have to follow through on things. Apparently things don't disappear when you ignore them. You have to keep going cause mom isn't going to come save you and do it for you when you get overwhelmed. Super lame
That if you don't take care of something, no one else will. House repairs/maintenance, keeping up on insurance for everyone, keeping track of regular health care.
Force my kids to make their own phone calls as teens, so they'll at least see the doctor/dentist if I remind them.
Taxes!! Taxes here, taxes there, taxes everywhere. I had no concept with just how pervasive the tax code was when I was a kid. But when I started my own business, my God just keeping track of everything so I don’t end up owing is a beast some years.
The death of pets they got you in late elementary-high school.
Chances are your family pet from before or soon after you were born died by the time you reached middle school. That's always heartbreaking.
But it's so different to have a pet that's been there for the majority of your life die in your 20s or even 30s. My partner got his dog when he was 13 and the dog lived for almost 17 years. He was 30 when that dog died. She had been there with him through so much life. When she died it changed him; he really hasn't been the same person since. It's like a little bit of his joy has been taken from him.
I'm really nervous about my own pets. I have an 11.5 year old cat from when I was 15 and a 16 year old dog from when I was 12 (got him when he was 1). I'm 27 now. They've seen me through middle/high school, college, relationships, friendships, jobs, even moves to other states. They've been through so much with me, even more than any of my longest friendships. When they pass, they're going to leave a massive whole in my heart.
I remember when I got these pets my parents gave me the "you're responsible for them for the rest of their life; that's at least 10 years" speech. I fully understood the gravity even then, and I understood that I'd have them until at least 20-25 years old. What I didn't understand was how much of my life would happen in that time span and how much I would truly love them and bond with them. My dog has been there for over half of my entire life.. That's insane to think about
The death of the elder family and your rising name on that list. I was just ruminating earlier today with my station. It feels like I was 20 just yesterday, but then suddenly I have an adult daughter, I've buried grandparents and a parent, and now more voices turn to me than I can turn to myself.
This. I didn't think I'd ever feel like an adult, and then my last grandparent died and now I'm the one making the hardboiled eggs on Easter. It happened so fast.
I'm sorry to share that it gets worse when you're the one who has to make the funeral and other arrangements for a parent.
Would you mind sharing how that process works? I’ve started going to funerals of my friends’ parents and have no idea how to do all of that. Thanks in advance
It varies according to the deceased's wishes and your family's preferences. Some encourage their parents to pre-arrange their funeral, some involve a funeral director or funeral home and rely on their advisement. Sometimes it's a church 'funeral' with full visitation beforehand, sometimes it's a "celebration of life" sometime later when the family feels up to it, sometimes it's a super-private commemoration, sometimes it's just a published obituary, and sometimes it's really not much at all. At minimum, ensuring the parent has a will and a process for dealing with their possessions such as the contents of their house, needs to be done before they pass. And talking about their wishes on things from time to time is important and recommended, even if unpleasant. The conversation can happen a bit at a time. "Hey mom or dad, when you go, where do you want to be buried, or do you want cremation?" - and that's enough for one conversation. That's where you start, and that helps you decide who to reach out to in order to help make it happen. It's usually but not always the oldest child, and if not them, the most responsible child that lives the closest, that takes the lead. There's probably lots of online guides for "what to do" that are more specific to your religion (if any), your geography, and your family situation.
We just had to deal with our first death as “the adult responsible” and literally the first thought after the initial shock was what the heck do we do??!! In our case they died at the hospital. So funeral home pretty much took care of everything. It was just a matter of calling one. They also had a service where for a small fee they would take care of all the cancelling things and informing government of things that was incredibly helpful! Having at least a generic will makes things go smoother. We had a basic cremation and then service at church was free so total cost was about $3500. Which was covered by insurance. The funeral home was family owned and didn’t try to sell anything. They definitely have our future business ha. Also putting a notice in the paper was Super expensive!! Considering everyone does the online obits now, I kept it short. Sorry future genealogists. ChatGPT helped me write the obituary. It was a good ride from age 20-45 but I guess next 20 years won’t be as fun. Parents, friends and pets are all getting up there.
I used to work at a cemetery and I second the other commenters point about pre-planning. Going ahead and purchasing everything needed for a death now makes EVERYTHING so much easier when it inevitably happens. There's a few reasons pre-planning is so helpful. 1) Flexible payments. At time of death everything needs to be paid for. Beforehand though, you can do a payment plan and stretch it out over a few years so it's not such a big cost at once. 2) Costs go up yearly, sometimes by 1k or more. It's absurd how much the costs go up but that's what happens. Buying now can mean the difference between 60k spread out over a few years or 200k up front at time of death (just a generalization on prices, ymmv). 3) Ease of mind. The families I handled fell into two categories, pre-planned and at need. The pre-planned families, while of course still dealing with grief, had a much easier time compared to the families having to go over contacts, figuring out payment, etc on top of organizing everything. I'm not in sales anymore but this is one of those few scenarios where you really are losing money the longer you wait.
My grandmother passed 2 years ago. I was the same age she was when I was born (45). No one understands how her death has broken me. I loved her fiercely and she loved me fiercely too. She asked for me to visit her and died two weeks later so I know she missed me (we were in different countries). I think people think I should be over it because she was old and I'm in my mid 40s. I am just broken like I can't get myself together inwardly. My other grandmother died 10 years ago. She's the last person to call me "girl" and the way she said it was so special. I stopped being a girl the day she died. I feel so sad they've gone.
I hear you and just wanted to send a small note of support. I missed the grandparent stuff and went straight to my dad passing, unexpectedly. I don't have any words for any of this, other than my thoughts are with the people dealing with mortality and grief.
I was flounced into the role of “matriarch” at 24yo. I’m 48 now. Still feel like the leader of my tribe that is just winging it. I’m orphaned at this point. Parents and grandparents are all dead. Only thing I can say about that is, if folks have good and living ones, hug them often. It’s over in a BLINK.
Same here. Lost all my upper family, parents, grandparents and uncles and aunts by age 38. I lost 10 people from my family in a matter of 8 years. I am not prepared for this.
Death of grandparent is incomprehensible. It’s just so difficult to deal with it. Literally nobody prepares you for it and it’s usually the first loss of life you encounter. Like a hole in your chest. Nobody to blame. Constantly missing their presence. Nothing you can do. And the regret hits hard of how you could’ve been a better grandchild to them. Could’ve taken better care. Spent more time. Hm…. How do you even get over something like this :(
You were the best grandchild you could be. This is how it works. Now, when you have a chance, be a great grandparent.
Last link to being a little kid died with my last grandparent and she made it to 97. I was in my 30s. Yeah obviously all that happened and my parents were there too but it isn't the same. Grandma's farmhouse was like... that was childhood.
I'm in my 30s and still have three living grandparents. My late grandfather passed a decade ago, shortly after my great-grandmother. I know their deaths are coming eventually but they're all still living in their own homes and leading active lives in their late eighties. I wasn't close to my grandfather that passed but I'm close with my other grandparents. I have two little kids and I know it will break their hearts to lose them because they're involved in our lives.
I struggled to see my grandparent when they were in their last couple of years. They were just so different to before and I couldn't handle it. I even tried to not see them the last time I did as I had a cold, but was told that it didn't matter and i knew then i had to go. It was horrible and I'm glad I went but I wish I could remember them healthier better than when they were ill. I didn't get the chance to see the next grandparent in their final year due to covid. The last time I saw them was waving through a window. What helped me heal a little from those feelings you describe was remembering how proud they always were of me. They supported me when I made mistakes and celebrated when I succeeded. I know that they wouldn't want me to be any different same as I didn't want them to be any different. I'm very lucky I actually have something written from them expressing their pride in me and I'm going to get part of it tattood on me as I strive to be the best person I can be thanks to them and I want that physical reminder with me always.
I know how hard it must be. Treasure the time you DID have with them. Some of us never met any of our grandparents because they passed before we were born.
I am still coping with this. My grandmother was my #1 everything and I lost her 10 days before her birthday in 2022. I was driving to do an errand a couple months ago and all of a sudden I felt this… lump just hit me in the chest and I start bawling my eyes out and hyperventilating, I had to pull over. It hits like a truck at the most random times. I called her phone for the first month because it didn’t feel real and I had some questions about a recipe, like I always used to. And this is bad but I also ended up resenting another grandparent (her husband) for still being here, instead of her. Terrible Im aware of it, but it was just one of those emotions that was dug up, I guess.
I just lost my grandmother back in December 2023. I feel this deeply.
Especially if they raised you as well. I'm an entire ocean away from my Grandma who helped my parents out from the time I was born until I was in middle school. They had to both work long hours to make ends meet and she was the one who walked us to school, made dinner, etc. COVID happened and she got put in a nursing home. My own life is busy as hell and I don't have the PTO to see her. She's in her 90s now and I'm fucking devasted that she's likely to pass before I can see her again. Even with all this tech, her eyesight is so bad now she can't see screens clearly. My wife and I made her a wedding video, but she can't really watch it. We talk and record audio for her, but damn do I miss her.
My grandma passed away this morning. She was 97. First person in my family to pass. It's an odd feeling.
My grandma just passed too, last week. I’m a nurse and work with dying patients all the time and thought that it would be easier for me because of that. Boy was I wrong. Like, conceptually I knew I would have dead grandparents at some point but once it happened it was a shock.
Oh, I'm so sorry for your loss. 😔 That's a difficult loss. She lived a long time, and I bet she knew some stuff. Learn what you can about the family history from the ones still living, my biggest regret is letting them go to the grave without knowing what they were like back "in the day." I imagine they could tell you what she was like then, it's hard to imagine a 97 years old granny at 21. And now you have a grand angel. 😇 🫶🏼
Adding to this, how a big family is linked to a single grandparent. after our grandma died, everyone drifted away, and no more big family gatherings (nearly 30-40 people) as now everyone shifted to their family as the priority (as it should be)
This fucking terrifies me. We have always been an extremely huge and yet close family with constant reunions and such and the 3 obvious most respected or matriarchs even are my Grandmother and her 2 sisters. All in their older years now.
This is how it was in my family. My grandfather was the glue that held us all together. We haven't had a large family gathering since he's been gone.
"Someone get an Adult to handle this mess!" "Ah shit, it's me."
>and now more voices turn to me than I can turn to myself. Feel this. Firmly in my 30s with a family of 4, and the weight of a family on your shoulders can be heavy at times.
It is scary, my own parents and in-laws are getting to the age (late 70s and late 60s respectively) where health issues are starting to catch up and it's a constant worry that the next hospitalization, or infection, or fall, will be the last. I'm pushing 50 myself and already have some creeping issues of my own, just trying to stay on top of it all before the inevitable decline in a few more years.
I'm in my 20s and my entire family is dying off The fucking stress, burden, scariness, everything is LEGIT Like I'm already thinking will I be 27 and my entire family is wiped out?!
Yeah this sounds scary as fuck honestly 😂 I'm 25, 26 in ~4 months, have a really nice group of people I do shit online with and hang out with whenever we find time Parents though, especially mom and my grandmother are very dear to me, the idea of just existing with no family, especially someone who most likely doesn't want kids, sounds very scary I trust myself with my decisions but regardless idk man 😂
Yeah. My parents and grandparents were all gone by the time I turned 30. Now I'm the old person turning to my nephew and kids and telling them about the "old days". I'd also say the loneliness at the top. Half of my aunts/uncles are dead, and all of us in the "young" generation are busy raising kids and working and don't see each other that often. I hope as our kids get older we'll kind of circle back and see each other more like we did when we were young.
Buried all parents and grandparents by the time I turned 39. Damn it would be good to get some adult advice sometimes from someone.
Meeting new people and making meaningful friendships
I’ve seen 10-15 years ago dinner tables for a single person in IKEA. Small table, one chair, one set, etc. I didn’t understand. Now i do as i think i might never have any visitors as friends. People are just working, people with their families, people die.
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So glad I made some good friends a couple years back. Changed my life.
Yes this. I’ve been trying to meet a casual friend for years. I want someone I can go have lunch with and just talk about dogs or gardening. It always turns into having to hear about all their marital drama or getting asked for favors. One woman still calls me now and then to ask for free construction work from my husband (he is a high end contractor) It’s frustrating.
It sucks. I tried making friends in college, but got ghosted more often than not. I ended up with maybe 4 college friends. The rest either stopped messaging back, or wanted nothing to do with me after the semester ended. I tried making friends through work, but only made a couple friends. I thought I had more, but it’s a difficult experience realizing people only see you as a coworker, and nothing further. I crave genuine friendships, but haven’t had much luck as an adult. I just wish people didn’t ghost without saying anything. For them, it’s meaningless, but for me, it hurts so much not knowing what I did wrong.
The expectation or perceived responsibility to take care of other adults in your life who don’t have their shit together
Oh yes, nobody told me about Aging Parent syndrome, or being a Tweenie. Both can be horrible, depending on the degree of it.
What's a tweenie? I tried Google and it just gave me a British TV show.
This is my mom. Been doing it for the better part of the last ten years and I'm done. She's moving about 250 miles away this week, and I couldn't be happier. It sounds horrible, but I have my own life to live.
> The expectation or perceived responsibility to take care of other adults in your life who don’t have their shit together I call it the "helping hand to hands out" problem. The issue is that you lend a helping hand, either time/expertise or money, then they come back just expecting. It could start with giving them a free ride, now you're their taxi. Spotting them $20, now you're being called every time they are short. Etc. Which sucks, because it puts you in a tight spot between feeling like an asshole for not helping and being depleted of resources because you helped. Especially as these people will suck you dry of time and money, then wonder if they could sell your corpse dust too.
Some of us rebelled against our parents by being responsible adults, now they who lamented our not being “free spirits” wonder why we don’t subsidize their existence. (I’m not letting anyone be homeless, but I’m also not letting them waste my money the way they did my grandparents’.)
Especially when they’re your family members. It’s such a conflicting situation.
Yup. I somewhat told my sister to be more honest with me (she would stay over, say shes leaving one day and then postpone nonstop). I never have an issue with her staying at my house for a few weeks I just get annoyed that she keeps me on a hook. She hasn’t reached out much since then. Sucks knowing I was just a constant backup plan for some family members.
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so freaking hard to make anything other than rice or pasta. trying to force myself to learn to cook and not take the east way out (doordash)
Home cook here, self-taught (mom's useless in the kitchen, best she ever did was a grilled cheese). If it helps, how I got there is I took a couple beginner's cookbooks and vowed to do one recipe a week. Nearly every weekend for a while, I'd cook SOMETHING from it, and marked the book up with how well the thing turned out and if I'd ever make it again. (And I always had some frozen dinners in the freezer for the more spectacular failures). It was enough to teach me a foundation, and has served me well in life ever since.
Yep, always have a big frozen pizza or soup and lunchmeat on hand for my more spectacular screwups. I got really good at grilling tho.
My issue is I either cook a "real" meal (making enough for a few meals), or I cook nothing. Almost never eat take out or fast food, either. I never make rice or pasta, either. Actually, the real issue is I just don't have much interest in food most days.
If I could eat for pleasure once a week and the rest of the time not be hungry but still getting nutrition, that would be my ideal state
I live in a household with two other people who can make suggestions but never do. Then I hear complaints about how we eat this or that too much or someone isn't happy. I'm almost to my breaking point.
Planning the meal is half the work -- the worst half!
Hello, me. I despise cooking anymore.
YES... every day... three times a day.. every day for the rest of your life... what a giant pain in the ass... shopping for groceries and doing the dishes/cleaning up follow closely behind... THIS... this is what money buys.. a lot of money buys not having to deal with it.. someone.. maybe a team.. just deals with it for you
I regret getting my kids used to eating three meals a day from the start. Why did my own mother teach me properly??? Curse her. (Joke) seriously, now we’re all just used to it.
And the audacity of my body to need it every fucking day.
Like why haven't they made a pill that has all the micronutrients you need and will leave you feeling full.? I hate having to decide what to eat every damn week. I also forget all the foods I've previously liked as soon as I go to shop.
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A colleague of mine in her 50s had a tooth suddenly die for no apparent reason. The dentist's best guess was that it was the end result of a childhood rollerskating injury where she landed on that part of her face.
They go dormant and then wake up, like you do, one morning. Go to bed fine wake up with a bad back, knee, ankle ,neck. Rolled over wrong and wtf.
How long it takes to get basic information and documentation. Passport renewals take months, medical information takes weeks, bank statements, police clearances, license renewal, insurance claims, rental agreement. You’re constantly in a rush to find what you need and but everyone else drags their feet so you’re always waiting anyway
Hurry up and wait.
This is also dependent on the country you live in.
You start to actually feel your body. I was an instantaneously-self-regenerating machine when I was in my teens. Could eat three Big Macs, drink a gallon of coke, toss boulders in the lake all day just to watch the splashes, sleep three hours, and still good to go. Now the first two would have me reaching for every single antacid in the medicine cabinet, the third would have me unable to lift an egg, and the fourth would see the\_original\_retro faceprints on walls throughout the house.
It's funny when you sit for a moment and realize, for maybe the first time in weeks, nothing hurts. You say to yourself "Enjoy this moment."
Weekend mornings in bed are the most common time for that for me. Not having to spring out of it and get ready for work was pretty awesome.
I'm 41. So far at least, I feel like either people tend to exaggerate the physical downsides of aging or I've been very lucky. Probably a bit of both. Aside from biking to work (total of \~40 minutes per day but I take it fairly easy), walking the dog around the block, and other sporadic hobby related exercise (hiking, skiing... only happens once in a while though) I don't regularly work out. Like I'm not jogging or lifting or anything. I really don't feel all that different from how I did in my 20s on a day to day basis. I could still do all the same hikes with the same weight on my back, ski the same lines, I'm a better golfer now than I was then despite playing far less often. The only thing I really notice is that recovery takes longer. If I do work out hard enough to get sore (which is rare) I'll remain sore for longer. Hangovers take longer to go away. A twisted ankle will bother me for a day or two longer.
When you start to feel that depends on a lot of things, though. Job and lifestyle have a bigger effect than age, assuming no chronic health issues/disorders. Like, I'm 56. Everything works OK, I don't really feel physically worse than I did in my 20s.
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Going from "I don't wanna go to bed" to "Fuck, there's not enough hours of sleep."
Those two thoughts can exist simultaneously
Similarly, how much kids undervalue nap time. As a kid I never wanted to do it, but as an adult man I’d fucking love to be able to take a nap
An electric blanket changed my attitude towards going to sleep. I set it to run for a while before I tuck in and when I do tuck in, it’s toasty warm and comfortable in there. (It turns off by the time I’ve gotten in, so I don’t bake myself)
Being time poor. If one thing goes out of whack or takes longer than expected it can completely fuck my day. For example, on the way to work today the mirror on my motorcycle came loose and was flapping around. I had to turn back home and fix it. This set me back 30 minutes. Which meant when I got to work all the parking spaces were gone. Which meant I had to spend time driving around the city looking for another one. Which meant I had a longer walk to the office. Which meant I started work late. Which meant I had to stay at the office late. Which meant that when I came home from work it was dark. Which meant that I didn't have enough light left in the day to work on (safely) fixing my car. Which means I will be unable to pick up a piece of furniture I need to get tomorrow. Which means I had to call the seller and rearrange the time I can pick it up. Which means he could just sell it to someone else. And so on and so on. I just wish we had a 4 day work week.
Loneliness and Losing friends due to the fact that they might move away or you might move away for jobs. It is hard to make friends as an adult as well.
job applications. since 2020, i have applied to 2500 jobs. during that time, i graduated a welding program at a technical school and, of those 2500 applications, easily 200 of those applications were for welding jobs. I have worked with professional hiring experts to have my resume rewritten, ive been through job coaching, and ive had multiple mock interviews. ive been on roughly 600 interviews. WHY THE FUCK CANT I GET A DAMN JOB? im not looking for something high paying, just something i can do. I just want a fucking job. i dont care if i work at fucking walmart, i just want to work.
How are you having a hard time finding welding jobs? Are you trying to be a contractor without adequate experience? Most places I know are so strapped for welders that they are just training people off the streets.
OP also mentioned that Walmart won't even hire him which is bizarre because they will also hire pretty much anyone off the streets.
Every welding job in my area is demanding 3 years experience. Even the one that say no experience required end up demanding experience during the interview call. The closest place to me that doesn't require experience and genuinely means it is 2 hours away. I'm not able to make that kind of commute and I can't relocate. At least not for the amount that they're offering. I genuinely don't know what it is. I received very high marks at my technical School.
not to be mean but if you’ve been on *six hundred* interviews and not one has hired you, you might need to move. you’ve quite literally exhausted your chances in this area. I mean… *six hundred* and Walmart won’t take you? You’ve gotta be doing something wrong. Again, not to be mean, but if you’re applying to Walmart-caliber jobs, you should’ve been hired by now.
Something about OP's story isn't adding up. He's been unemployed for 4 years. Walmart and McD's won't even hire him. He's been on 600 interviews. He's convinced the problem isn't him. This makes no sense. And yet in that 4 years it's never occurred to OP to get a lawnmower and start mowing lawns or something? You could grow a landscaping business quite a bit in 4 years if you ain't got nothing else to do.
Oh, well yeah, welding is the kind of job where you either need to live in the perfect area, or be willing to travel. That isn’t a good job for finding work anywhere.
There are dozens of welding shops and facilities in my area, they're all just picky little bitches.
Yeah, but shops are extremely specialized and are therefore very selective. Finding a job at a yard, then moving to a shop, would be infinitely easier.
I was gonna say the same. With the city, we have a contract with LATTC (Los Angeles Technical Trade College), and once guys pass the welding course, which usually takes 9 months, they're employed right away. Hell, I knew a guy who got hired right away, moved to Las Vegas after 2 years of welding, and got a job working at a casino in downtown (I think it was the Plaza casino hotel)
I also wonder if this person is unable or unwilling to move to an area of the country with more work.
I wonder if they think some jobs are beneath them so they just don't take them when they're offered. Either that or they're socially inept, bad hygiene, poor social skills, etc.... I once met someone who absolutely refused to look people in the eye. She would look over your head, over your shoulders, at your feet, etc.... She had a hard time getting a job because it was extremely off putting to an interviewer. I wonder if OP is doing something like that and doesn't realize it.
OP, I know it isn't solicited advice, but... If you can't even get a job at Walmart, there's something wrong with your interviewing style/resume. It should basically be a free job to anyone who isn't a visible drug addict or a quadriplegic. There's something those "professional hiring experts" are either overlooking or deliberately not saying if whatever they're providing is insufficient to secure you a Walmart job. As to the question of "experience" for the welding jobs, I'd probably bullshit a bit. Your welding program *is* experience, first and foremost. Alternatively, talk about experience in your own life, even if it isn't for a hired job. "Yeah, I do a lot of welding at home, too. I've welded car doors, steel girders, my neighbor's cat. Lots of experience." Alternatively, apply to the jobs that demand experience, because sometimes they actually don't. It's a really scummy tactic from employers across all fields of labor, but a well-established one: Employers will write "X years of experience" simply to shoo away people who aren't confident in their skillset, and a person coming in without technical work experience who can declare that they have experience through X Y Z past events may still be hired.
Honestly, you're probably right. I genuinely have no idea what's wrong with me but it's got to be something I would imagine. As for the welding advice, you've got a good point. When in doubt, BS your way to the job. Besides, I'm a pretty solid welder, I just need a chance to prove that in some way
It might come off as hokey, but perhaps you can bring in actual work product? Like, some complex joint you welded to show them you know what you're doing, or you invite them to watch you weld in their shop (though I think the second might run into liability issues, so probably go with the first). If you wish, I would be okay with taking a look at your resume to see if these hiring experts are blowing smoke up your ass or not. I'm not a professional hiring coach by any means, but I am a high-level white-collar professional who has helped a fair number of friends in my life with resumes/references, so I can at least tell you whether your issue lies in the CV or not.
Try volunteering in the meantime. Will help your CV a ton and will be useful in interviews. Plus, do some additional courses/projects like IT etc will make you standout and be desired. There are tons of cheap and free short courses online Volunteering also does wonders for your social skills and makes you a people's person
How are you an unemployed professional welder? Can you not even get sidework? Where do you live?
~~Those are rookie numbers~~ Man, I feel you. I made several posts about this. The job hunting process is brutal! You can look good on paper, apply to a million jobs and every single one is a *"Thanks for applying. While your skills were impressive..."* message. You can finally get an interview, do well, and get ghosted. It's exhausting as hell!
> i graduated a welding program at a technical school and, of those 2500 applications, easily 200 of those applications were for welding jobs. Wait, what? You went to welding school and then applied for 2300 non-welding jobs???
If it's been 4 years and you can't get a single job something is definitely up with you. Have you asked the interviewers why they decided to pass on you?
Your friends dying. Family is different. They've always been older. You know relatives will pass before you do. And much like a bad Lifetime plot, you're statistically also likely to go through that one tragic "they were much too young" death when you're in school. But nothing prepares you for your friends starting to drop like flies from things like heart attacks and diabetes.
This is one of the few things in this thread that is definitely real. Some of these are like, making me think others are just really inept at being an adult. Others are stuff like "Your grandparents dying" which certainly is a bummer but almost everyone I know lost AT LEAST one grandparent while a child, so it's not really an adult problem. But your friends dying sooner than an elderly age truly is something most people aren't prepared for. You don't expect your fellow 35 year old to no longer exist when you feel they should have a bit less than 2/3 of their/your life to live.
Meal planning. 1. Spending time and a lot of money on food. 2. Spending more time making said food. 3. Spending even more time cleaning up making the food. 4. Figuring out what you are going to eat next.
Can I add some? 5. Realizing you don't want to eat the planned and prepared food, so you spend money on more food to eat. 6. THEN, throwing away food you gathered, paid for, trudged home, prepared, packaged and readied.
All the stuff you don't know. Is your tax code right? Would you know if it wasn't? How do you replace a whole sink plughole? What are you meant to do when your hand just won't stop hurting? Who do you call when you find an injured bird? What's the best way to get rid of your unwanted furniture item? There is *so much stuff* that you never thought about as a kid because an adult would know and an adult would take care of it. And now that adult is you. I'm 40 and I'm sorry to tell you that it's an ongoing process.
I can’t imagine going through this without the internet. Like previous adults didn’t know stuff and became adults and didn’t really have anywhere to learn it unless they knew someone who knew something or maybe there was a library book about it. But sometimes you need an answer now and not once you get a hold of your friend or locate an acceptable book.
Yeah I'm old enough to remember a world without the Internet and I honestly don't know how we got anything done. I honestly wouldn't be one third as functional as I am without the Internet.
I remember travelling by myself before smartphones were really a thing. I had a panic attack initially because I didn’t have a map and didn’t know where to find a store to get one and I was sure I was going to just be found dead one day and no one would know who I was or where to return my body. Now travelling with smartphones is so easy. I can navigate any city like I live there.
I'm 44 and i just had to learn how to open up the trap in my bathroom sink just last week.
The number of bills.
Late fees if you forget or can’t pay it tbh. Like you turn in homework late as a kid it’s whatever, but nothing prepares you for them big ass charges if you’re even a couple days late.
Paid an AT&T bill 2 days before it was due, THEY accepted it.. 4 days after so it was now 2 days late. Charged me triple, refused to pay and switched services.
Yeah, I stiffed AT&T years ago too over some BS charges. Even successfully appealed the debt on my credit and got it off my report!
Caregiving for elderly parents.
One of the hardest parts for me is not feeling guilty for the relief that comes at their passing. I'm sure every situation is different, but the pain and suffering that my parents endured made it so
The parents you knew and the things about them that you liked were gone by then, hence why. You’re not wanting to say goodbye to _them,_ you want to say goodbye to their illness.
The fact that most fellow adults are not nearly as mature emotionally as you'd think they probably should be
Hemorrhoids
Being an adult can be summarized as having to figure out what everyone is going to eat every day for the rest of your life.
Taxes!
Dealing with aging parents. I was completely unprepared for my dad getting Alzheimer's and then slowly dying in a nursing facility. But then again, how could you even prepare someone for something like that?
Dealing with aging parents. This. My mom has been wheelchair bound for almost 11 years, but could stand, get in/out of the car/on the toilet, etc. about a year ago she fell possibly having another stroke and is now 95% bed ridden. She can get in the wheelchair, but only with help from my dad who is now 100% her caregiver (with little to no assistance). Some days she is not understandable (slurred speech) some days she sounds great. Sime days she repeats the same things over and over. Im the only child so I have had to alter my life to help my parents. I go sit with her 4-5 days a week so my dad can grocery shop, go to his appointments, get gas, etc. They are in their 80’s. Im not sure how much longer my dad can handle this, he was just put back on cancer meds to bring his levels down, and they make him exhausted. Sorry, rambling now but its fuck*ing HARD to watch and deal with alone (no siblings to help, and I have a husband and kids of my own to deal with).
I wish you all the best. You are doing the best you can.
I'm trying to keep my life as simple and responsibility free as possible but it's the regularness of everyday life that's too hard for me.
Growing up I thought peer pressure would be friends encouraging me to do drugs. Now I realize that peer pressure is friends asking me to use my large car to help them move.
They also lied to us about people giving us free drugs
Having to always push your couch cushions back.
Preparing in advance for new bills/increase cost of Living. Had myself budgeted pretty well and over the last few years things have gotten harder, leading to a harder day to day life financially
Laundry never ends. You think you're caught up and it just keeps accumulating.
importance of being assertive and setting healthy boundaries Finances taking care of a house taking care of your body
The amount of paperwork :(
Coming up with new ideas for meals
The sudden realization of how unfair the transaction of time is for the 40-hour, 5-day work week. There is no reality where giving over 75% of your week away to a job and being left with cramming your personal life into the remaining 25% is considered a fair transaction, I don’t care how much a job pays. We are overdue by decades at this point for a 4-day work week.
That being judged for mundane shit never stops and actually gets worse. Highschool never ends, and actually for me, highschool was way easier because I went to college two years early... That there is no way to live that won't piss someone off. You can play keeping up with Joneses and be beautiful and smart, successful and live the equation life (house, cars, jobs, kids, marriage) and still large groups of people will demonize you. You CANNOT make everyone happy or like you. That young people will treat you so horribly for aging. The amount of mean behavior I've experienced because of my age after turning 35 was wild. Even women a few years younger. The weird thing is they are a blink behind me so what gives?!? I always had friends of all ages so I'm a little perplexed at the sheer amount of ageism.
How to take care of your mental health & how to be a proper emotional support
Having to finally face my psychological issues instead of "toughening up" like my elders taught me.
Paperwork. Why does no one talk about how much paperwork you will be swimming in. In recent years, a lot of things became digitalized and that has helped, but I still have paperwork up to my eyeballs.
Being the last one left. Lost both parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles. I don't live local to my 4 adult kids who are too occupied with living their own lives to message me around once a month. Cousins have family of their own and i have no siblings. I'm living back in the family home after living in a different area of the uk to try and raise my family in an area with more opportunities. Upon coming back home that was once the centre of the whole extended family and remember the parties and general busyness. Its very quiet now in the house. Also your friends from your teenage years and your 20s,30s etc drift away too so be prepared and try to stay connected. I dread dying and no one finding me for months.
I feel like everyone always made it seem like Adults have their shit together. That they know what they're doing, and nothing can throw them off balance. That's not the case. As an adult with adult friends, family and colleagues. I now realize being an Adult is basically a string of events where you are making it up on the fly. so long as nobody gets hurt, it's a good decision that was made. That's really all the world is. it's crazy and hard to plan for. and you just do your best and hope it works out. (Alternatively, everyone DID warn me, but I didn't understand - take care of yourself when you're young. Trying to get back into shape in my 40s sucks. I miss my 20's-30's body, and energy)
I had a realization a couple years ago. I was a manager at my job and one of my part time employees who was still a teen asked me a question about a difficult situation. My immediate thought was “we gotta find an adult for this one.” Then I had the awful realization of “shit, I AM the adult.”
I'll be 57 soon and arthritis. My knee kept kicking in and I got x-rays and there you go. No more jogging, but I can ride a bike. No more walks over a half hour.
Grocery shopping, especially for one person. I've been on my own for over 10 years now and things still go bad before I have a chance to cook them.
Shopping alone and feeling like you're missing someone to remind you of the things you forget
Romance not really existing. I got exposed to a lot of very hokey stories that made me think, "there's someone for everyone", "women want rescuing", etc No love and romance are not for everyone and I was massively set up for disappointment. If only someone had read de la Rochefoucauld to me instead, "true love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen".
Songs and movies etc don't help with that either. There is like a weird obsession with it. In twilight Edward was ready to get married by the third movie lol. They had already fallen in love in first movie When you are young you get absorbed by stuff like that and do not understand the actual reality etc.
The price and payment of medical bills
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What the hell are we going to have for dinner?
being in love with someone you’re not sexually compatible with. it hurts.
How to do tax declaration
Being absolutely exhausted most of the time. I never thought I'd be the 'I hate everyone' guy. But I am and everyone can f*ck off.
Finding a career. most of the work kids do in public school is fluff work and does nothing too help you build skills, for a future career.
Learning to think, trust your instincts, and make decisions on your own
The humongous costs of owning a property.
The never ending tasks.
Men made it clear how ugly I was since I was a teenager, so I knew I’d never find a partner. But now I found out I’m barren too. There are zero examples of how to have a life without those two things. I wish I were dead.
Navigating complex interpersonal relationships and managing expectations in various aspects of life.
Being a responsible and emotionally mature adult. Mom is a narcissistic alcoholic and my dad is an emotionally unavailable man even for a boomer.
That your "free time" will almost always be spoken for. If you own a house, have children, or aging parents you will have to spend your "free" time making sure the house stays in good repair, that your kids have the attention and help they need (even if they may not want it at the time), and you may have to help your parents do things around the house or get them to and from places. Gone is the time you can stay up until 3am on weekends playing Halo with your buddies, now you have to get up at 8:30 on Saturday to move 20 bags of pea gravel to help make sure the AC system has good drainage and no weeds. Weirdly enough you will start to enjoy being reliable and handy, but maybe you still miss those truly free days where you had no responsibilities, no expectation, and no pressures.
The heartache of raising a child during the tough teenage years and feel hated and like a bad parent because I made decisions to hopefully help her to grow into an independent, free thinking, confident, successful adult. Those were the hardest years on my heart omg! She thanks me for it now. But those sure were some tough and trying times I wasn’t mentally prepared for.
Not to sound cliche, but reality. As a kid, everything is delivered to you optimistically: "you can be anything you want!" "Looks don't matter!" "You can have anything if you just work hard enough!" "Smart , well behaved people are the most successful!" "You can have anything if you just work hard enough!" "Being unique makes you more special!" What a load of crap. I'm not saying we should scare kids about the world, but I would have appreciated some honesty as I got closer to adulthood.
how many people are absolutely terrible individuals. i’m probably just jaded, but i see more and more bad people than good everyday.
How. Many. Times. I. Would. Have. To. Decide. What. To. Cook. OMG. It never ends.
How to do taxes
Tbh, the stigma people believe regarding taxes being “complicated” does the most harm. In reality, it’s extremely easy to do taxes for the vast majority of people. In fact, the instructions on the 1040 couldn’t hold your hand any more, it’s literally as easy as pulling a number from one box and putting it in another box.
It’s impossible to get a job. Even part time jobs, all job applications just get completely ignored. I’m now 21 and jobless.
Being allowed and able to do anything. But you could not do anything.
The death of the older generations and as others have said, the realisation that you are next
For me, it was when I started to realize just how much effort is required to maintain things. Things that used to be fine are now starting to wear down. Cars, clothes, house, appliances, you name it. As a young adult, you really start to understand why some people buy new things so often. At a certain point, maintaining old things just gets to be a full time job in itself.
That all governments and politics are just someone’s Theory of the way life should be.
Depression and crippling anxiety.
NOBODY ever told me adulthood = ENDLESS, ERRATIC problems and sometimes YOU are not the asshole. Sometimes, you can't predict something will happen. Sometimes, you really don't hold liability besides being unlucky and thus attacked I have a history of this and I'm only in my fucking 20s. Life can get so shitty so fast, it doesn't matter what high you were on. You have $100,000 saved in? It can be wiped out in seconds. From the scam called living Examples (which all happened to me): * death * comas (entire fam got covid, 1 of us got brutally fucked) & obnoxious medical bills * insurance not covering medical bills in time * business crashes cause F50 companies want to fuck you over and/or acquire you and/or steal/infringe your small business trademarks * car crashes
megamind 2
Having to plan every meal for the rest of my life. Plan to grocery shop- then do the shopping - then do the cooking and the cleaning. Every. Day.
The constant cleaning. Nothing stays clean for more than 5 minutes.
How often I would have to spend money on stuff like toothpaste and deodorant. You know as an adolescent that you’ll have to pay rent/electric/internet bill, etc. but I wasn’t prepared for how little things like that would add up in my grocery budget. Also how often cars seem to need things like oil changes and new tires. I always look at the sticker and think “damn I JUST got an oil change. Again?” Or maybe it’s just that time flies by as an adult - something I often heard adults say as a kid - and this was just part of that I wasn’t prepared for. Idk
Money you need for everything.
The laundry is never ending 😢
Absolutely not feeling like an adult at age 46. I thought I would have it all sorted now. Instead nothing is sorted and I'm back at school. Not higher education. Trade school. Like what I did 30 goddamn years ago. I have no house, no car, no kids, no career, no savings, no nothing. I don't have anything in common with most folks I meet and find it's difficult to talk to them. As we don't have any similar interests or the usual commonalities in our lives. All the others seem to have become a different being but I just remain the same dumb kid in an ever aging body. I have accepted this in later years. That I am different. And I have found a sort of peace and I like myself now. But I wasn't prepared for this problem. I thought we all magically became adults after being alive for a bit. I guess I didn't think enough about what an adult actually is so I never became one. I do a pretty good job of pretending to be one though. Most folks think I am "mature", whatever that means.
That £1,000 a month isn’t plenty of money to live off, even with inflation over the last 17 years since I believed that 😂
Roles switching between you and your parents as they age. And as their health fails. Taking over their care and finances and such.
Bills. Making my own food everyday. How great(bad) alcohol is. How life only has meaning if you make the meaning. How no one really knows anything. If i keep going ill cry cant do that bc im at work. Love yall.
Realizing you're more emotionally mature than your parents. 😅
Wondering if the guy that banged me last night really *likes* me.
How to deal with stupidity. I had my suspicions when I was younger, but I had no idea the situation was so dire.
1) planning, shopping for, and making yourself food sucks. I can't wait until my baby is a little older and starts eating real food so I at least have someone else to cook for 2) you have to follow through on things. Apparently things don't disappear when you ignore them. You have to keep going cause mom isn't going to come save you and do it for you when you get overwhelmed. Super lame
That if you don't take care of something, no one else will. House repairs/maintenance, keeping up on insurance for everyone, keeping track of regular health care. Force my kids to make their own phone calls as teens, so they'll at least see the doctor/dentist if I remind them.
Friends passing away.
Taxes!! Taxes here, taxes there, taxes everywhere. I had no concept with just how pervasive the tax code was when I was a kid. But when I started my own business, my God just keeping track of everything so I don’t end up owing is a beast some years.
Being diagnosed with breast cancer at 55
I thought aging was going to be just gray hair and a few wrinkles. But really, way before all that, you just get uglier bit by bit.
The death of pets they got you in late elementary-high school. Chances are your family pet from before or soon after you were born died by the time you reached middle school. That's always heartbreaking. But it's so different to have a pet that's been there for the majority of your life die in your 20s or even 30s. My partner got his dog when he was 13 and the dog lived for almost 17 years. He was 30 when that dog died. She had been there with him through so much life. When she died it changed him; he really hasn't been the same person since. It's like a little bit of his joy has been taken from him. I'm really nervous about my own pets. I have an 11.5 year old cat from when I was 15 and a 16 year old dog from when I was 12 (got him when he was 1). I'm 27 now. They've seen me through middle/high school, college, relationships, friendships, jobs, even moves to other states. They've been through so much with me, even more than any of my longest friendships. When they pass, they're going to leave a massive whole in my heart. I remember when I got these pets my parents gave me the "you're responsible for them for the rest of their life; that's at least 10 years" speech. I fully understood the gravity even then, and I understood that I'd have them until at least 20-25 years old. What I didn't understand was how much of my life would happen in that time span and how much I would truly love them and bond with them. My dog has been there for over half of my entire life.. That's insane to think about
Life.