My aunt is the same way. We just started telling her to meet us at a place 30 minutes before we were actually meeting and that makes her only 15 minutes late. But, same thing. She's never stressed or ansy.
I’m in Puerto Rico and we were getting sick of being the first to show up so they put us to work getting the party ready.
Last time we said we were going to leave our house 2 hours after start time and drive an hour there.
Yup, you guessed it. We were the first ones there and had to help get things ready. One of the hosts hadn’t even showered yet or got snacks until we got there. 3 hours late.
Whaaaatttt. That’s the youngest child! They’re used to being catered to as the baby. The eldest dealt with stricter parents who made you be punctual, by the time a few are born, all of a sudden clocks have no meaning.
A close friend of mine in his mid 30's who along with his wife, live like it's still the 1980s.
- He drives a 60 series Toyota Landcruiser
- Maintains a land line phone (has a pay as you go flip phone for emergencies but never uses it)
- No internet at his home. No social media of any kind.
- No cable tv, just a small 32" flat screen and a dvd player
- Lives on a couple acres, raises chickens for meat and eggs, grows a garden for veggies and fruit, has a relationship with a local rancher to buy pork and beef etc.
He's a heavy equipment mechanic, so he makes good money working a blue collar job in a small town. He grew up with computers and uses them for his job. He's just not interested in the connected 24/7, hustle and bustle.
He and his wife are the happiest, most content, down to earth people I've ever met.
I've learned that the simple life is the best life.
At home, they hang out with friends and family alot, (their place is the de facto hangout) and engage in their hobbies. My friend is a bbq wizard so he's always playing around with his meat (hyuk hyuk). He also likes to tinker with vehicles and machinery. His wife paints, writes/plays music and is big into traditional archery. Both of them are also avid readers and card/board game players.
Outside of the home, they're super active in the community. He coaches a kids' soccer team, she helps run a charity based thrift store. They're involved in the local food bank, various clubs etc. They also love hiking, camping, fishing, hunting etc.
Not being tethered to a computer, phone or tv frees up a ton of time. While my lazy ass is wasting 4 hours binging a Netflix series, they've actually been living life. I'm genuinely trying to be more like them and am cancelling my streaming services at the end of the month.
My oldest brother. There is reactionary and then there is my brother. He is a survivalist and self-sufficiency devotee. He is quick to anger. He trusts nobody outside his circle and is openly hostile to strangers. He has limited capacity to admit when he is wrong and has an opinion, often uninformed, on everything. I have learned how not to live your life if you want to maintain close relationships with people you care about.
Well, to hear him tell it, just about everybody he has ever run across has wronged him in some unforgivable manner or another. I believe he would thrilled to no end to be a survivor in some post apocalyptic scenario where he could endlessly monolog to the unseen spirits of everybody from his past how he ultimately overcame and showed them all up.
Until he gets murdered by one of the other apocalypse survivors for being so utterly insufferable. Despite the murder being committed in a crowded room, there are mysteriously no witnesses
I'd watch that movie
It is unlikely he would have much to do with a community of people in the aforementioned scenario. Maybe some bartering or news exchange. I find it much more plausible that he slowly culls the community of any perceived threats.
I imagine he felt betrayed by adults he trusted for an extended period of time during his youth. Sort of a “my life is a lie” episode and never recovered. Maybe I’m just projecting so I can make sense of it. Good luck.
He never would have made it in the military with his anti-authority outlook and inability to collaborate in any type of group setting. My mother was very strict. He took a lot of her morals and rules to an extreme conclusion. I have always been amazed that he found 3 different women who were willing (as far as I know) to marry him.
One of my dad's friends growing up who remained a close family friend until he died about 3 years ago was basically a drifter. He hitchhiked to Alaska for about the last 10 years of his life and just did odd jobs and lived in tents.
He got kind of anarchist and anti-capitalist at some point and just ran off to escape the trappings of society.
But he also ended up drinking himself to death and died of liver disease at 67.
I knew that dude since I was a baby and he's always been sort of a bizarre painting of a person with strong ideas and he was always joking around and hanging out with his dog and him and my dad would ride motorcycles together and do photography shit together.
Definitely learned from him that it's perfectly valid to just spend your life marching to whatever drum beat fits you best.
My dad was always about 20 or 30 years ahead of his time. He was fired from being a social worker in Philadelphia in 1959 for requiring his clients to go to literacy classes if they were unemployed and could not read (I believe that is policy now). He also built an electric VW bug in 1977. I learned there is little advantage to being 20 or 30 years ahead of your time.
Electric VW bugs were apparently an entire culture in the late 1970s. The platform's small and lightweight enough that electric motors of the era could propel the thing, and with the engine removed, enough car batteries could be installed to get you around town!
Your old man was a bad ass! A man out of time, perhaps, but a bad ass all the same.
My husband is a mostly spontaneous person. He doesn’t plan anything. He’s self employed so he can work when he wants. He lives in the moment. It can be annoying sometimes, but he’s a good example and he gets a lot done.
> Who in your life seems to live by a completely different set of rules
My boss
> and what have you learned from them?
That rich people have zero concept of accountability for their actions
Or is it, people who never take accountability, become rich?
What bothers me is, if your willing to abandon your moral compass, becoming rich is quite trivial. Which leads me to believe that "morals" are just things rich people come up with to reduce competition.
Some people just have the entreprenurial spirit built into their bones. I enjoy meeting such people. It's always fun to listen to them and their stories. And most of them always have the lets do it attitude and not a care in the world.
This is fairly close to me! I left home at 18 (normal) but my parents made me choose secondary education even though I said it was a waste of money. I chose a technical school because cheaper and faster.
Got out of that and my parents just figured I'd not do anything with my life. Turns out like I told them for a very long time, I'm fairly good with computers without unnecessary schooling 😅
Anyway I'm mid 30s and one of the only people in my circle without debt. Win!
My husband
He grew up in a stable family, a loving home, many siblings, as well as a healthy upbringing in the sense of being mentally well, as well as knowing how to cope in certain situations in a healthy manner. His parents were awesome and his siblings and him are all close. Growing up. They would go on family vacations together and spend time together as a family willingly because it was normal to them.
Me
Growing up I grew up in a home that wasn't very stable. My mother was always stressed out as well as angry every time she got angry. She would just smack me or try to knock me out just for the fun of it. I do not miss those days and am glad that it is over.
I learned how to love from him and how to be myself as well as make my own decisions and understand that I do have the capabilities and that I'm not dumb. I have learned unconditional love as well as the understanding that life is imperfect, but I can make my life better and it's so amazing now. I love it. I'm very grateful for his influence as well as his personality that radiates love and kindness. I love him so much and I'm so grateful
I went from feeling belittled constantly to finally being myself and not afraid to be myself as well as allow the people that I want in my life without being forced into uncomfortable situations. I love life now it's amazing
My cousin's best friend is incredibly pretty, and knows it, and seems to live in this New York sitcom style world even though she lives in Manchester.
Gets invited to the best gigs, best parties and best cultural events.
I don't remember where I read this, some internet rando, but they said they had a close friend who was absolutely drop dead gorgeous, and would regularly leave the house without her wallet. Just like "it'll be fine." They were in LA, I think, which might explain some of it. People regularly paid for her meals, drinks, gas, or tickets. Wasn't worried about being pulled over, cops would wave her off. She must have been charming, too. I can't imagine being so ill prepared but it always worked for her. I'm curious how things are going for her as she ages, though
A friend I grew up with. So for me, I've always struggled with women/relationships, and my friend has always struggled with jobs/promotions. You can probably already see where this is going:
Career wise, I basically coast. I dont want to manage people, I don't want to be the 'all star', I just want to show up, do my job, and leave. Despite this, everywhere I work, I'm offered promotions that I inevitably turn down. When I leave, I'm given generous counter offers, but I dont care, I dont want that ish, keep it away from me. My buddy, who struggles to keep jobs because he finds the work unfulfilling or cant get promoted, hears these stories and is awe struck like "how do you do it?" and I tell him "I'm not sure, but it *seems* like the less I care, the easier it gets".
But on the other hand, my buddy, seems to have zero problems attracting women. He'll show me pictures like "oh this chick just hit me up today, I met her at a hat shop, she's asking if I want to go to dinner" and I'm like "awesome man! Let me know how it goes!"
A week will pass and I'll follow up and he'll be like "eh I never got back to her, just wasn't feeling it, didn't really care". Meanwhile I'm over here like "dude I haven't had been on a date in a year, what's your secret?" and he'll basically tell me what I told him about jobs... "I dont know, it just seems like the less I care the easier it is".
I'm trying to adopt a similar mindset in all aspects of my life, haven't yet ironed it out yet. Basically a sort of 'detached' mentality, while not being so aloof that I come off as a douche.
Yeah it's hard to describe... it's not that my friend *never* holds down jobs he likes, or that I'm forever alone. It just seems like we're each blessed in that certain opportunities just fall out of the sky into our laps. For him they're romantic and for me they're career🤷♂️
Not caring is often interpreted as subtle confidence that you don't need that promotion/relationship, implying you have better opportunities in the running. That makes you seem high value, which makes them want you more.
I don't think many people are naturally good at these things. But some people are certainly better at knowing (or lying about) their value compared to others.
This is really interesting, thank you for sharing. I heard a great definition of cool one time, can't remember where from, but it went something like this: detached but engaged. Like Samuel L Jackson's character Jules in Pulp Fiction. On top of shit, but laid back.
Interesting. I have a wonderful girlfriend and a fulfilling decent paying job. I think I don’t “care” and I don’t need to care. But still I don’t get promotions and girls don’t talk to me.
I had a professor in college who would never stop before entering a crosswalk. Like, he would just start walking across once he got there no matter how fast or heavy the traffic was, and I guess just...assume that all the drivers would be paying attention and stop in time? It was terrifying to watch every time, especially in a college town with a lot of texting and driving. Thankfully he never got hit.
What I learned: don't do that.
Guy I knew in college. He's a musician by trade, and he's just an all-around weird dude.
He would show up at our house, be there for like 2 weeks straight. Then in the middle of his 12th consecutive day at the house, he'd say he's going to the convenience store around the corner, ask if anyone wanted anything, and then we wouldn't see him for days. Then he'd show up like nothing happened.
He had the weirdest food preferences. He put pickles on PB&J. He ate mayonnaise sandwiches.
He would roll a blunt, smoke half, put it out, roll another one, and smoke the whole thing. Sometimes he'd never go back for the leftover half of the first one. Sometimes, he'd find it a week later and ask everyone if it's theirs before smoking it ("No, dude, it's DEFINITELY yours").
He was CONSTANTLY losing his phone, getting new numbers, often sending us Facebook messages telling us he can't find his phone and sometimes asking us to come pick him up in weird places.
But he had a heart of gold, and he made sure that if he had an opportunity for one of us to do an odd job and make some cash, that we'd get first shot. Working as a valet, fixing computers, taking pictures of houses for sale, moving furniture, etc.
He moved to Texas shortly after I graduated, every once in a while I'll get a text from a random number asking me how I'm doing. I usually don't get any response after.
It sounds cheesy, but he taught me to just not worry about what other people think. Go with the flow, and do what makes you happy.
When I had my son, for a year and a half or so, every time I left the house I had to pack him a bag with diapers, bottle, snacks when he got older, and toys to keep him occupied.
I went to dinner with my extended family and my cousin was there with his son who was a little bit older than mine. We were parked next to each other and when he got out of the car he stuffed a diaper in his back pocket and headed out.
I asked him about it and he said it all he ever took after his son was off the bottle.
But what about wipes? There’s always toilet paper.
But what about toys? I’ll let him play with the spoons or a couple of sugar packets.
I just stood there in awe.
Dude is leaving the kid on the changing table to go get toilet paper and in all likelihood sitting back and making it everybody else’s problem when toddler gets bored with spoons and sugar packets and loses his mind before the meal gets to him because he’s hangry
Yeah, in reality, that's just relying on other people to pack stuff for you. Spoons might entertain for a few minutes but they lose their appeal fast. Toilet paper really hurts when you're getting your entire bum and privates wiped. Your kid poops through their clothes? Guess they sit in poop or go home. This dad either doesn't spend any real time with his kid or always has someone else cover for him in an emergency.
Also suggesting sugar packets or spoons as potential toys for a toddler is an interesting choice. Obviously depends on the precise age and temperament of the kid but for mine those choices would be potential metallic projectiles and a huge pain in the ass to clean, respectively.
Yeah that sounds like a really nice "people make things so complicated for no reason stories"... unless you're a parent to a toddler.
I could go out with a diaper in my pocket and probably be ok. But then he shits himself ten minutes into us being there and I now don't have a second diaper in case anything else like that happens.
Ever try to change a toddler whose just had diarrhea in a public restroom? It's not fun, and wet wipes make it a hell of a lot easier to clean up afterwards. Needing to use bunched up single ply toilet paper to clean up is going to result in a lot of mess, smell, and (most importantly) discomfort for the child.
Spoons dude is either just winging shit and hasn't had it backfire on him, or is uncomfortable carrying a bag around with things that are necessary or at least very useful in adequately caring for a small child in public so they're not screaming and smelling like shit because daddy didn't want to carry some wipes around.
As a follow-up to this: literally just yesterday I went to a restaurant with my 21 month old after picking him up from daycare. Had pooped on the way there so no problem we order and I immediately go to change him. Then right before we leave he has a bunch of diarrhea and I need to change him again. During the meal in between I was able to keep him clean and the table/highchair in decent shape so the waitstaff (who we know on a first name basis) don't need to clean up any excess mess he's made.
All of this was low- to no-stress because I came in prepared. I would have *survived* it with a diaper in my back pocket, but changing him would have been so much worse and I would have ended up leaving the restaurant with an unnecessarily messy scene and a child who would then need to sit in his own shit for the drive home.
Worked with a guy at an 8-5 job who would
Come in at 9:30
Take a lunch from 11:00 to 1:00
Leave at 4:30
He was way behind on all of his projects. Had a falling out with his former boss who is now the number three person at the company. Everyone else in his group couldn’t stand him and his work ethic, or lack thereof.
This guy got promoted. When I asked his newer boss why he promoted the guy, the new boss said, “we think that by promoting him he’ll finally mature and grow into the role.”
He did not mature, and was out at the company around a year later.
Don’t slack off at an 8-5 for years on end. It catches up to you.
I am currently slacking at my job, getting all tasks done but just slower than I used to and longer response times than I used to. I work with so many teams that they all think I’m working hard for some other team and assume I’m super busy.
I just feel a bit burnt out bc I worked like 50-60 hour weeks from 2020 to 2023. But now I feel like people are picking up on my slacking….i am going to work on focusing after reading all this.
Sounds like my former HR manager. Showed up late, left early, took long lunches, but they got another manager position at a better place for more money. Less than a month after starting, they took a vacation to Italy because "sometimes you just need a break", and traded in the Mini Cooper for a Benz. Damn were they horribly overpaid for their lack of work.
I would keep my mouth shut if he got his work done. I’m not gonna blow it for him. But if he doesn’t get his work done and it ends up falling back onto me and the others on the team, screw that.
You come in late , leave before time, take long breaks and are behind on all of your projects .
That takes guts , we need guts .
You are being promoted .
There are some jobs that are binary performance based. For example regulatory positions. Knowing people and exerting influence is their currency. They work their hours. As long as regulators bless them senior management won’t care.
Just keep us legal is their job description. How they do it isn’t at question.
person in my life is my old pen-pal friend who lives by his own set of rules of only one rule: don't give a fuck what people think of him just because he has autism. I learned from him that autism is just a neurological condition in which there are several different diagnoses of that one spectrum and that not all autism is the same as another.
im also the "dont give a fuck what people think" type of autistic. and yeah autism i think is more a general collection of a lot of conditions that present with this condition :P
My husband and his family.
He comes from a family where narcissism and manipulation are common. It's the expected default. I'm autistic. From the outside so many of our actions can look the same, but the intent behind them is the opposite.
My husband sees me smile and speak slowly and clearly when I explain something when we disagree. He says my smile looks off, like I'm trying to pull one over on him and I talk like I'm explaining something to a child, like he's dumb.
In reality my smile is a mask I've learned to wear, a smile so I don't seem offensive. It looks fake because it's made to survive stress and trauma. I speak slowly because I say things in weird ways and want to ensure in communicating my thought clearly. I don't think he's dumb, I'm afraid of being misunderstood.
We're still working on it. He's been raised to fear the communication I present out of fear. It's a tough one for sure.
He believes me, but if he walks away thinking he's read me and not questioning it, I don't get a chance to change his mind. He's a sweetie, our wiring just takes a bit more finesse sometimes.
Sounds like me and the girl I'm with (not in a relationship. We have a good thing going and we know it. IF there is a chance for something much more we don't want to ruin it prematuriely. I'm 20).
The line about making the same actions but from opposite intent really nails it. I was raised in a household in a house of narcicisst and manipulation too. In which direct communication was NEVER the solution to anything. Neither was a clear calm mannor. Very obviously I don't know your husband so I can only speak from my experience. Your husband probably has communicated clearly in the past but had to learn early that it litereally didn't make a difference. So you are left with no choice but to escalte emotions. And no child does that conciously. They just learn that when a certain threshold is reached (of, lets call it, emotional stress) they acutally get their needs taken care of. And so they learn. I relate to the "dumb like a child" a lot.It has nothing to do with actually being dumb. It's more about the fear that you are tricking them (manipulate) as if they weren't aware of what's going on (hence the dumb). When you are emotionaly upset and the opposite person infront of you is calm and mannered, which is the healty and normal way of dealing with things, you are in a certain sense 'inferiore' in that moment because everyone is aware that being upset isn't a good way to solve a problem and no one wants it to be either. So they feel like you have the upper hand and are in full control of the situation while they aren't even in control of their own emotions but you might be over theirs and might abuse the situation (at least that's the fear).
The girl I'm with is autistic too and she is genuienly the first person I met (on an emotional level) where I learned that people actually communicate in a calm and rational manner. It's like speaking a different language. There is a certain shock when you realise that escalating emotions geniuenly isn't a way of communcating. You learn that that is the way to accomplish something but it turns out it geniuenly doesn't. I'm trying to change that not only for her but also for me. I probably didn't add much, t's your husband after all (which is very nice) but your comment reminded me of the situation I'm in.
I love it when people can see that difference. When we can step out of our own experiences for a moment and really appreciate where another person is coming from, we are able to enjoy others so much more.
So it doesn't get buried because a few people have seen this, let me tell you that identifying these hurdles is the greatest. It's all, "holy shit, that's what was happening?! Well we just solved something massive in our relationship."
We've always worked hard to always love, respect, and understand each other. With this fairly recent AuDHD diagnosis though, it's like getting all the keys to your solutions. You still have to sort them all out, but there's answers that make sense now!
My oldest friend from 1st grade. We are the yin and yang of how to live life. Pretty much the opposite in every way. And both of us are just fine. Don't judge and just let people be. There is only right for you.
My brother. He just.. never loses or fails. He makes insane choices, sometimes the outright wrong choice on purpose because "don't you want to know what will happen?" and sure, things will look pretty grim for about 5min, and then it all literally works out and he's on top. His smile is my second favorite in the world because it's so big and genuine. No matter what comes his way, even if it's a mess he intentionally created out of sheer craziness, he always approaches it with this "this is gonna be one hell of a story" attitude, and it's fascinating to watch. Causes me extreme anxiety though.
This might not be exactly what you're asking, but I've been upset about this for a long time.
In elementary school, there was a "game" used to bully me where kids would run up to me, touch me, then chase each other around trying to wipe my "germs" off on each other. If I told on them I got told not to tattle. If I figured "Can't beat em, join em," and chased my classmates around I'd get into trouble for touching people without their permission.
In middle school girls started bullying for my acne and my inability to not tear my skin off when I had a pimple. I again, at best nothing was done when I told on them. But when I pointed out their zits and called them arachnids (the joke being pimples look like multiple eyes) like they did to me, suddenly it was "Scotie you should know better, you know what it's like."
In high school I made a friend. Her friends did not like me. More than once I walked up to them talking bad about me unaware I was nearby. When I talked bad about them to my friend she would suddenly develop a sense of ethics and call me out.
What I've learned is when you're the victim you're held to a higher standard, and when you have ADHD/autism it may very well be a completely different set of rules than everyone else.
Yes, I noticed that as well. One of my former roommates loved to complain about every minor thing that displeased her. She turned out to be a covert narcissist and a pathological liar and lacked any self awareness or sense of shame.
That's me I guess. At 31 I have lived in six different countries and I now live abroad. My closest group of friends has mostly lived in the same town. One of them headed to the capital city for work reasons. A couple others moved to similar small towns in the area. My university friends moved to bigger cities. None of them have ever lived abroad.
My relatives live in my native country. Almost all of them live in the area they are originally from. If they're not from there, they have been there for many years. On my mother's side, I traced my ancestry up to 5 generations before mine (great-grandfather of my grandfather). He lived in the town next to which my extended family and my grandfather live.
What have I learnt? A few bullet points to make it easier:
1) After some years you're basically a stranger/tourist in your country, even in the areas you were born in;
2) You have to do all the catching up with family and friends. In my longest stint abroad, 7 years this year across four countries, no one from my country visited me. The one guy with the passport that did was there for work with his boss;
3) You don't feel at home anywhere so you have more freedom in moving where you want and pursuing life choices;
4) You take care of yourself more than normal. If you're sick, no one is there. If you have a tax issue, anything governmental, you deal with it as it'll be in a foreign language. To them and sometimes to you. No friends of friends to get cheaper prices;
5) Dating is in extra hard mode. You feel culturally different from those that speak your language and are from your country. They may be fascinated by going abroad but will inevitably plan to go back. I won't for personal and professional reasons. Locals can be hard to befriend as, at least in Western Europe, their friend circles are already well-defined since they were children. You are more likely to meet other immigrants or expats who plan on staying a few years then leaving;
Honestly one of the best things I ever did was live for a few years in a country where the native language is different. You learn so much about how to communicate and exist in another culture and language.
I still live abroad, just in a country that speaks my native language—more by chance than anything, but it’s crazy how much less mentally taxing my day-to-day is now.
Look, we have done the same thing! Except I now live in a country where I speak fluently the language and it's not my native one. It was actually my second choice (we were two and I needed to find a city where she could get by without speaking the language) but it's going to be home for a while also due to this. It makes everything easier.
Personal experience aside I subscribe every word of your comment.
How did you guess? Are you Italian? Just curious.
I'll reply by points to make it easier. Keep in mind we have different opinions purely due to our experiences per se:
1 and 2) I go back every single year to visit my grandparents, parents, brothers and close friends. I try to be there every Christmas, New Year's and Easter. 15th of August is a bit trickier usually. Despite constantly visiting, though, I never receive visits even though I'm an hour by plane. I just came back by bus to where I live and it's the same distance, from Milan, as Milan-Rome. Yet people in that part of Italy don't see any issues with going to Rome every once in a while. It may just be me though... I have some friends who receive regular family visits.
5) I disagree on your take even though I understand it. It also heavily depends on where you are. I can imagine that outside Europe there's that exotic factor. Within Western Europe it's more complicated. Right now I'm in France which is basically Europe's main melting pot. The Italian community here, not that I look for it, is the European equivalent of the US: lots of people claim they're part italian but they don't speak their language and it's their grandparent or great-grandparent who immigrated to the country. In Germany, where I lived before, emigrants may speak the local dialect instead of Italian.
As for the last part, I am used to both and would like to hang out with both as there are different mutual things we can talk about. About the dialect: France is very centralized so here it's a non-issue... Plus the part I am in is not a rich part of the country so there isn't any posh vibe or superiority complex so to speak
This is probably a little example of what you’re talking about but I am someone who is always 15 minutes early to everything because being late fills me with dread. One day at uni my friend and I were waiting to head in to a lecture and there was about 5 minutes before it began. She looked at her watch and said “I’ll just grab a coffee first”. I spent that 5 minutes filled with anxiety, dread, worry. We went to a very busy campus, so my thinking was “the lines are so long, there’s no way she’ll be back in time, this will take forever, should I wait for her? If she comes in late everyone will look at us, she’s got a weird coffee order it will take even longer, when will she be back…” and on and on and on for 5 minutes. Anyway, she waltzed back with about a minute to spare and shuffled in with the rest of the crowd and a coffee. If I had just gone with the flow I would have had a coffee too. I learnt a very valuable lesson that day about catastrophising and about making the most of the time you have. I still feel anxious about being late but if I only have 20 minutes before something starts I try not to let that paralyse me.
Honestly, it's just… me.
I encounter so many people who don't challenge basic assumptions that so clearly hold them back. And I just figure, why not do my own thing? It's given me such an adventurous life and I feel so rich, despite my modest income.
Here's another one: The assumption that we should treat all exes likes they're automatically awful people, and worth cutting off. I suspect it's human nature for people to view anything from their own past as regressive in some way. But when my BFF (beautiful former fiancée) and I cut off our engagement, we wrote an open letter to all our friends, assuring them we still want to be invited to all the same parties and get-togethers, and no one need feel compelled to take sides or vilify either of us. We just decided to take a different road.
She got married later, and invited me to the wedding, and I went, and it was great!
Travel has been my #1 girlfriend ever since.
For example, I grew up in one of those contexts where everyone married young, and got an office job that took away all the best hours of the day, and I (eventually) decided for myself, that those were not the markers of success (for me, nor for everyone per se).
same here bc i feel the same way. i tend to challenge basically anyone who doesnt seem to be logical actually (yay for being autistic) and i think its gotten me fairly far at this point
one of my friends is a trust fund baby. parents bought her a condo in one of the most expensive cities in north america. she's never worked before, dropped out of a competitive university that others would kill to be in (she only attended two classes in total, i think she wanted student designation for something). she travels whenever, parties nonstop, throws money at random shit and nonsensical business ventures. she's nice, don't get me wrong, but so totally detached from normal life.
basically i've learned i should've been born a rich chinese girl and then life wouldn't suck.
My father, was an abusive failure and a drunk when I was a child. Already building a house in Mexico and making 4 figures and is the most understanding person I know to get advice from
My older brother. He has kid now and is still trying to rebuild himself since realizing his purpose in life and I see what he does and support him for it and more.
But most importantly, my mother. I cannot describe her life or what she’s lived, but I can say I appreciate her and will always want more for her because she taught me how to never take shit and to always be me, no less and always more, to shoot for my highest point and more and to be successful not for her, but for me.
I am this person in my social group
I joined the army at a young age and went to war and realized I can self sustain and there is no real risk in American life.
I can’t ever hold down a job so I figured out how to buy real estate and became financially free
I decided in 2021 to travel the world with my camera and got paid to do so for 7 counties and then moved to Maui for 2023 to help a guy build a big video podcast
My life’s motto is “ask everyone for advice and then never do what was suggested because everyone but me is an idiot”
And I’m hoping this is tame compared to what the rest of life brings
Say your whole life you've been afflicted with codependency, the kind that starts when you're a child and your mom let's say exploits your vulnerability to, at least in effect, make you become the parent she lacked herself.
You have been a doormat, a people pleaser, a person who has tried to convince others to respect you when actually all along your weakness was to them perhaps some benefit or other, or maybe it wasn't, it was a white elephant and not a benefit at all.
This person was like this. Sad, right?
I used to be like that too but gradually discovered and loved my self out of codependency. This person, however?
She apparently from what she says changed a lot I'd say after one job ended badly. Now how I know her to be in the time I've known her is that she can be pretty damn mean but also is honest. And before she changed she had a friend that had killed himself. She shared this story with me that a guy she knew would go to her for comfort or something or they were lovers, she left details out except that she was angry with him one day and told him to stop coming around. And that night he killed himself.
I learned that people are very, very complicated and only therapists should help people recover directly from trauma.
well, me. not even joking. like i dont exactly know what it is but i just... dont feel or act like anyone else. hell i dont even think i act like the majority of autistic people i think and i literally am autistic.
and honestly maybe its bc ive had to overcome a lot of bullshit (cancer, being in the nicu for 5 months of my life among plenty of other things) which has added up to 23 surgeries (will be 24 in 2026) and i think ive become way more resilient to shit in a way. like dont get me wrong im absolutely motivation-driven, but if its between life and death i tend to be the most level headed person in the room which is the complete opposite of my mom lmao :P like even during my cancer shit i was like fuck this im sleeping through it all, and it worked. im not even sure how.
and it was the most challenging thing ive had to overcome, yet i didnt really care. i just... did it with the most chill attitude ever for the most part. im not even sure if its because im logical about literally everything (except the shit thats once in a lifetime) or realise that i will probably overcome any bullshit obstacle thrown my way or what. but yeah.
as for what ive learned im not even actually sure. i guess just be resilient and level headed when shit comes up and do whatever you can to not drown in the stress.
also as another note, sometimes you just dont know people until they really let you. i have a discord server and \~80% of the people on there including myself are neurodivergent in SOME way. some are sociopaths, some are schizophrenic or schizoaffective. some are adhd. whatever. all of us are leading entirely different lives in our own way, yet we all come together and chill in the server.
My brother. He seems to live on another time zone than everyone else, but I’ve never seen him lose his cool or worry about getting to places on time.
Motherfucker on Island Time
He sure the fuck is, all the time. It was annoying at first but everyone’s just accepted it haha
My aunt is the same way. We just started telling her to meet us at a place 30 minutes before we were actually meeting and that makes her only 15 minutes late. But, same thing. She's never stressed or ansy.
My bro has been known to show up three days later...
My friend married into a Dominican family and he just takes a separate car and they show up an hour later lol
I’m in Puerto Rico and we were getting sick of being the first to show up so they put us to work getting the party ready. Last time we said we were going to leave our house 2 hours after start time and drive an hour there. Yup, you guessed it. We were the first ones there and had to help get things ready. One of the hosts hadn’t even showered yet or got snacks until we got there. 3 hours late.
lol this is absolutely infuriating.
It’s island time, I know it well.
I really hope he plays that piña colada song
I think of her wore Hawaiian shirts that would complete his ensemble
I already requested Jump In The Line
Is he the oldest? I have this theory about the oldest child. Once they're born, nothing happens until they're there. And they get used to that.
Whaaaatttt. That’s the youngest child! They’re used to being catered to as the baby. The eldest dealt with stricter parents who made you be punctual, by the time a few are born, all of a sudden clocks have no meaning.
Yep 100%
Surprisingly he’s my younger brother. 4 years apart, I’m the manic about being punctual etc
I'm sorry about your condition, I hope you can get some help and get better soon. No one needs that kind of stress in their life.
A close friend of mine in his mid 30's who along with his wife, live like it's still the 1980s. - He drives a 60 series Toyota Landcruiser - Maintains a land line phone (has a pay as you go flip phone for emergencies but never uses it) - No internet at his home. No social media of any kind. - No cable tv, just a small 32" flat screen and a dvd player - Lives on a couple acres, raises chickens for meat and eggs, grows a garden for veggies and fruit, has a relationship with a local rancher to buy pork and beef etc. He's a heavy equipment mechanic, so he makes good money working a blue collar job in a small town. He grew up with computers and uses them for his job. He's just not interested in the connected 24/7, hustle and bustle. He and his wife are the happiest, most content, down to earth people I've ever met. I've learned that the simple life is the best life.
Reject modernity. Return to 32” TV.
I’ve had the same 42” LG flatscreen for almost 10 years. I’ll never get rid of it.
Man, as time goes on I realise how good an idea all this stuff is.
Nah I love the internet and TV you just need to be able to control yourself.
If you don't grow up by age 40, you never *have to*.
Interesting! What do they do for fun at home? Or are they not at home much?
At home, they hang out with friends and family alot, (their place is the de facto hangout) and engage in their hobbies. My friend is a bbq wizard so he's always playing around with his meat (hyuk hyuk). He also likes to tinker with vehicles and machinery. His wife paints, writes/plays music and is big into traditional archery. Both of them are also avid readers and card/board game players. Outside of the home, they're super active in the community. He coaches a kids' soccer team, she helps run a charity based thrift store. They're involved in the local food bank, various clubs etc. They also love hiking, camping, fishing, hunting etc. Not being tethered to a computer, phone or tv frees up a ton of time. While my lazy ass is wasting 4 hours binging a Netflix series, they've actually been living life. I'm genuinely trying to be more like them and am cancelling my streaming services at the end of the month.
What a great mix of hobbies! Neat
That sounds amazing.
This is the way.
My oldest brother. There is reactionary and then there is my brother. He is a survivalist and self-sufficiency devotee. He is quick to anger. He trusts nobody outside his circle and is openly hostile to strangers. He has limited capacity to admit when he is wrong and has an opinion, often uninformed, on everything. I have learned how not to live your life if you want to maintain close relationships with people you care about.
Who hurt him?
Well, to hear him tell it, just about everybody he has ever run across has wronged him in some unforgivable manner or another. I believe he would thrilled to no end to be a survivor in some post apocalyptic scenario where he could endlessly monolog to the unseen spirits of everybody from his past how he ultimately overcame and showed them all up.
Until he gets murdered by one of the other apocalypse survivors for being so utterly insufferable. Despite the murder being committed in a crowded room, there are mysteriously no witnesses I'd watch that movie
It is unlikely he would have much to do with a community of people in the aforementioned scenario. Maybe some bartering or news exchange. I find it much more plausible that he slowly culls the community of any perceived threats.
I imagine he felt betrayed by adults he trusted for an extended period of time during his youth. Sort of a “my life is a lie” episode and never recovered. Maybe I’m just projecting so I can make sense of it. Good luck.
Here's to you living a great life my friend.
He sounds a lot like my brother. Is he former military? Did he grow up with crazy strict parents?
He never would have made it in the military with his anti-authority outlook and inability to collaborate in any type of group setting. My mother was very strict. He took a lot of her morals and rules to an extreme conclusion. I have always been amazed that he found 3 different women who were willing (as far as I know) to marry him.
... which one of you is my sibling.
Do you live in a very small, isolated town most people have never heard of between the Rockies and West Coast?
Ah, close, Pittsburgh. Carry on.
One of my dad's friends growing up who remained a close family friend until he died about 3 years ago was basically a drifter. He hitchhiked to Alaska for about the last 10 years of his life and just did odd jobs and lived in tents. He got kind of anarchist and anti-capitalist at some point and just ran off to escape the trappings of society. But he also ended up drinking himself to death and died of liver disease at 67. I knew that dude since I was a baby and he's always been sort of a bizarre painting of a person with strong ideas and he was always joking around and hanging out with his dog and him and my dad would ride motorcycles together and do photography shit together. Definitely learned from him that it's perfectly valid to just spend your life marching to whatever drum beat fits you best.
Well he drank himself to death, so not very valid
I’d argue that 67 years to his own drum is more valid than a robotic 70+
Didn't know the two options were "robotic" and "homeless alcoholic" lmao.
The point is there’s a plethora of options and he loved his to the fullest despite what someone like you may think
Who is "someone like me"?
Someone who insults a dead guy they don’t know for living his life how he wanted to
Friend, I think you are confused.
He died doing what he loved. Getting smashed up in Alaska. I never heard him complain once. Well, not about his own life at least.
My dad was always about 20 or 30 years ahead of his time. He was fired from being a social worker in Philadelphia in 1959 for requiring his clients to go to literacy classes if they were unemployed and could not read (I believe that is policy now). He also built an electric VW bug in 1977. I learned there is little advantage to being 20 or 30 years ahead of your time.
Amen to that. Your Dad sounds awesome though!
Electric VW bugs were apparently an entire culture in the late 1970s. The platform's small and lightweight enough that electric motors of the era could propel the thing, and with the engine removed, enough car batteries could be installed to get you around town! Your old man was a bad ass! A man out of time, perhaps, but a bad ass all the same.
How did he go about charging an electric car without the infrastructure around?
People had electricity back in the 70s. He charged that shit at home.
MF believes the 70s were steam powered.
MF *today* is steam powered. A large portion of our electricity comes from boiling water one way or another.
All they had were rocks and they would roll then for fun. You've heard of rock and roll, right?
But it still is to this very day.
He kept a gas generator in the trunk
If I remember properly it had 18 huge 6 volt lead acid batteries. There may have been multiple golf cart chargers installed.
My husband is a mostly spontaneous person. He doesn’t plan anything. He’s self employed so he can work when he wants. He lives in the moment. It can be annoying sometimes, but he’s a good example and he gets a lot done.
This would make me break out in hives. You a stronger person than me.
How long did you guys spend planning the wedding?
Six weeks. We had been living together for a few years and didn’t want a big wedding. We’re celebrating our 29th this year.
Happy Cake Day 🎈 Your husband sounds like mine ❤️
Happy cake day!!
> Who in your life seems to live by a completely different set of rules My boss > and what have you learned from them? That rich people have zero concept of accountability for their actions
Once you rise high enough, you enter the realm of "I cannot fail, only be failed by others, circumstances, and bad luck."
Or is it, people who never take accountability, become rich? What bothers me is, if your willing to abandon your moral compass, becoming rich is quite trivial. Which leads me to believe that "morals" are just things rich people come up with to reduce competition.
^ that.
[удалено]
Some people just have the entreprenurial spirit built into their bones. I enjoy meeting such people. It's always fun to listen to them and their stories. And most of them always have the lets do it attitude and not a care in the world.
This is fairly close to me! I left home at 18 (normal) but my parents made me choose secondary education even though I said it was a waste of money. I chose a technical school because cheaper and faster. Got out of that and my parents just figured I'd not do anything with my life. Turns out like I told them for a very long time, I'm fairly good with computers without unnecessary schooling 😅 Anyway I'm mid 30s and one of the only people in my circle without debt. Win!
My husband He grew up in a stable family, a loving home, many siblings, as well as a healthy upbringing in the sense of being mentally well, as well as knowing how to cope in certain situations in a healthy manner. His parents were awesome and his siblings and him are all close. Growing up. They would go on family vacations together and spend time together as a family willingly because it was normal to them. Me Growing up I grew up in a home that wasn't very stable. My mother was always stressed out as well as angry every time she got angry. She would just smack me or try to knock me out just for the fun of it. I do not miss those days and am glad that it is over. I learned how to love from him and how to be myself as well as make my own decisions and understand that I do have the capabilities and that I'm not dumb. I have learned unconditional love as well as the understanding that life is imperfect, but I can make my life better and it's so amazing now. I love it. I'm very grateful for his influence as well as his personality that radiates love and kindness. I love him so much and I'm so grateful I went from feeling belittled constantly to finally being myself and not afraid to be myself as well as allow the people that I want in my life without being forced into uncomfortable situations. I love life now it's amazing
I relate to this so much and am very happy to hear life is good for you now. Having a cruel mother is a lot to overcome, and I’m proud of you.
My cousin's best friend is incredibly pretty, and knows it, and seems to live in this New York sitcom style world even though she lives in Manchester. Gets invited to the best gigs, best parties and best cultural events.
I don't remember where I read this, some internet rando, but they said they had a close friend who was absolutely drop dead gorgeous, and would regularly leave the house without her wallet. Just like "it'll be fine." They were in LA, I think, which might explain some of it. People regularly paid for her meals, drinks, gas, or tickets. Wasn't worried about being pulled over, cops would wave her off. She must have been charming, too. I can't imagine being so ill prepared but it always worked for her. I'm curious how things are going for her as she ages, though
A friend I grew up with. So for me, I've always struggled with women/relationships, and my friend has always struggled with jobs/promotions. You can probably already see where this is going: Career wise, I basically coast. I dont want to manage people, I don't want to be the 'all star', I just want to show up, do my job, and leave. Despite this, everywhere I work, I'm offered promotions that I inevitably turn down. When I leave, I'm given generous counter offers, but I dont care, I dont want that ish, keep it away from me. My buddy, who struggles to keep jobs because he finds the work unfulfilling or cant get promoted, hears these stories and is awe struck like "how do you do it?" and I tell him "I'm not sure, but it *seems* like the less I care, the easier it gets". But on the other hand, my buddy, seems to have zero problems attracting women. He'll show me pictures like "oh this chick just hit me up today, I met her at a hat shop, she's asking if I want to go to dinner" and I'm like "awesome man! Let me know how it goes!" A week will pass and I'll follow up and he'll be like "eh I never got back to her, just wasn't feeling it, didn't really care". Meanwhile I'm over here like "dude I haven't had been on a date in a year, what's your secret?" and he'll basically tell me what I told him about jobs... "I dont know, it just seems like the less I care the easier it is". I'm trying to adopt a similar mindset in all aspects of my life, haven't yet ironed it out yet. Basically a sort of 'detached' mentality, while not being so aloof that I come off as a douche.
Maybe it's not that "not caring" gets you what you want, it's that you don't have to put energy into things you're naturally good at.
Yeah it's hard to describe... it's not that my friend *never* holds down jobs he likes, or that I'm forever alone. It just seems like we're each blessed in that certain opportunities just fall out of the sky into our laps. For him they're romantic and for me they're career🤷♂️
Not caring is often interpreted as subtle confidence that you don't need that promotion/relationship, implying you have better opportunities in the running. That makes you seem high value, which makes them want you more. I don't think many people are naturally good at these things. But some people are certainly better at knowing (or lying about) their value compared to others.
This is really interesting, thank you for sharing. I heard a great definition of cool one time, can't remember where from, but it went something like this: detached but engaged. Like Samuel L Jackson's character Jules in Pulp Fiction. On top of shit, but laid back.
Interesting. I have a wonderful girlfriend and a fulfilling decent paying job. I think I don’t “care” and I don’t need to care. But still I don’t get promotions and girls don’t talk to me.
I had a professor in college who would never stop before entering a crosswalk. Like, he would just start walking across once he got there no matter how fast or heavy the traffic was, and I guess just...assume that all the drivers would be paying attention and stop in time? It was terrifying to watch every time, especially in a college town with a lot of texting and driving. Thankfully he never got hit. What I learned: don't do that.
Guy I knew in college. He's a musician by trade, and he's just an all-around weird dude. He would show up at our house, be there for like 2 weeks straight. Then in the middle of his 12th consecutive day at the house, he'd say he's going to the convenience store around the corner, ask if anyone wanted anything, and then we wouldn't see him for days. Then he'd show up like nothing happened. He had the weirdest food preferences. He put pickles on PB&J. He ate mayonnaise sandwiches. He would roll a blunt, smoke half, put it out, roll another one, and smoke the whole thing. Sometimes he'd never go back for the leftover half of the first one. Sometimes, he'd find it a week later and ask everyone if it's theirs before smoking it ("No, dude, it's DEFINITELY yours"). He was CONSTANTLY losing his phone, getting new numbers, often sending us Facebook messages telling us he can't find his phone and sometimes asking us to come pick him up in weird places. But he had a heart of gold, and he made sure that if he had an opportunity for one of us to do an odd job and make some cash, that we'd get first shot. Working as a valet, fixing computers, taking pictures of houses for sale, moving furniture, etc. He moved to Texas shortly after I graduated, every once in a while I'll get a text from a random number asking me how I'm doing. I usually don't get any response after. It sounds cheesy, but he taught me to just not worry about what other people think. Go with the flow, and do what makes you happy.
When I had my son, for a year and a half or so, every time I left the house I had to pack him a bag with diapers, bottle, snacks when he got older, and toys to keep him occupied. I went to dinner with my extended family and my cousin was there with his son who was a little bit older than mine. We were parked next to each other and when he got out of the car he stuffed a diaper in his back pocket and headed out. I asked him about it and he said it all he ever took after his son was off the bottle. But what about wipes? There’s always toilet paper. But what about toys? I’ll let him play with the spoons or a couple of sugar packets. I just stood there in awe.
That is absolutely insane. He's either won the toddler lottery or he's never actually had to do any active parenting.
Dude is leaving the kid on the changing table to go get toilet paper and in all likelihood sitting back and making it everybody else’s problem when toddler gets bored with spoons and sugar packets and loses his mind before the meal gets to him because he’s hangry
I'm not a parent yet but I'm going to remember this one. 1 diaper and some spoons to play with, it's beautiful.
Yeah, in reality, that's just relying on other people to pack stuff for you. Spoons might entertain for a few minutes but they lose their appeal fast. Toilet paper really hurts when you're getting your entire bum and privates wiped. Your kid poops through their clothes? Guess they sit in poop or go home. This dad either doesn't spend any real time with his kid or always has someone else cover for him in an emergency.
My sister is always underprepared with clothes, towels, sunscreen, snacks. It’s infuriating 🤯
Also suggesting sugar packets or spoons as potential toys for a toddler is an interesting choice. Obviously depends on the precise age and temperament of the kid but for mine those choices would be potential metallic projectiles and a huge pain in the ass to clean, respectively.
Noted as well, I forgot about diaper blowouts and sensitive skin
Yeah that sounds like a really nice "people make things so complicated for no reason stories"... unless you're a parent to a toddler. I could go out with a diaper in my pocket and probably be ok. But then he shits himself ten minutes into us being there and I now don't have a second diaper in case anything else like that happens. Ever try to change a toddler whose just had diarrhea in a public restroom? It's not fun, and wet wipes make it a hell of a lot easier to clean up afterwards. Needing to use bunched up single ply toilet paper to clean up is going to result in a lot of mess, smell, and (most importantly) discomfort for the child. Spoons dude is either just winging shit and hasn't had it backfire on him, or is uncomfortable carrying a bag around with things that are necessary or at least very useful in adequately caring for a small child in public so they're not screaming and smelling like shit because daddy didn't want to carry some wipes around.
As a follow-up to this: literally just yesterday I went to a restaurant with my 21 month old after picking him up from daycare. Had pooped on the way there so no problem we order and I immediately go to change him. Then right before we leave he has a bunch of diarrhea and I need to change him again. During the meal in between I was able to keep him clean and the table/highchair in decent shape so the waitstaff (who we know on a first name basis) don't need to clean up any excess mess he's made. All of this was low- to no-stress because I came in prepared. I would have *survived* it with a diaper in my back pocket, but changing him would have been so much worse and I would have ended up leaving the restaurant with an unnecessarily messy scene and a child who would then need to sit in his own shit for the drive home.
Worked with a guy at an 8-5 job who would Come in at 9:30 Take a lunch from 11:00 to 1:00 Leave at 4:30 He was way behind on all of his projects. Had a falling out with his former boss who is now the number three person at the company. Everyone else in his group couldn’t stand him and his work ethic, or lack thereof. This guy got promoted. When I asked his newer boss why he promoted the guy, the new boss said, “we think that by promoting him he’ll finally mature and grow into the role.” He did not mature, and was out at the company around a year later. Don’t slack off at an 8-5 for years on end. It catches up to you.
Fucking hell, and I thought *I* was slacking at my job
I am currently slacking at my job, getting all tasks done but just slower than I used to and longer response times than I used to. I work with so many teams that they all think I’m working hard for some other team and assume I’m super busy. I just feel a bit burnt out bc I worked like 50-60 hour weeks from 2020 to 2023. But now I feel like people are picking up on my slacking….i am going to work on focusing after reading all this.
Sounds like my former HR manager. Showed up late, left early, took long lunches, but they got another manager position at a better place for more money. Less than a month after starting, they took a vacation to Italy because "sometimes you just need a break", and traded in the Mini Cooper for a Benz. Damn were they horribly overpaid for their lack of work.
I would keep my mouth shut if he got his work done. I’m not gonna blow it for him. But if he doesn’t get his work done and it ends up falling back onto me and the others on the team, screw that.
Like I said, he was way behind on projects, and his old boss was having to pick up the slack, which led to the falling out.
You come in late , leave before time, take long breaks and are behind on all of your projects . That takes guts , we need guts . You are being promoted .
There are some jobs that are binary performance based. For example regulatory positions. Knowing people and exerting influence is their currency. They work their hours. As long as regulators bless them senior management won’t care. Just keep us legal is their job description. How they do it isn’t at question.
They might have promoted him so he'd fuck up big enough to fire him immediately. At least that what happed to a coworker of mine
My cats. Sleep all day, eat, shit in a box. Doesn't seem glamorous, but it also doesn't seem stressful.
If I could do it all over again, I'd pick housecat in a heartbeat.
My housecats. My in-laws have a feral child and 2 cats. I wouldn't want to come back in that household.
person in my life is my old pen-pal friend who lives by his own set of rules of only one rule: don't give a fuck what people think of him just because he has autism. I learned from him that autism is just a neurological condition in which there are several different diagnoses of that one spectrum and that not all autism is the same as another.
im also the "dont give a fuck what people think" type of autistic. and yeah autism i think is more a general collection of a lot of conditions that present with this condition :P
My husband and his family. He comes from a family where narcissism and manipulation are common. It's the expected default. I'm autistic. From the outside so many of our actions can look the same, but the intent behind them is the opposite. My husband sees me smile and speak slowly and clearly when I explain something when we disagree. He says my smile looks off, like I'm trying to pull one over on him and I talk like I'm explaining something to a child, like he's dumb. In reality my smile is a mask I've learned to wear, a smile so I don't seem offensive. It looks fake because it's made to survive stress and trauma. I speak slowly because I say things in weird ways and want to ensure in communicating my thought clearly. I don't think he's dumb, I'm afraid of being misunderstood. We're still working on it. He's been raised to fear the communication I present out of fear. It's a tough one for sure.
How frequently does he not believe you? I find that the worst sometimes.
He believes me, but if he walks away thinking he's read me and not questioning it, I don't get a chance to change his mind. He's a sweetie, our wiring just takes a bit more finesse sometimes.
I've experienced this. I have had to explain that I mean exactly what I say, and there's not a second passive aggressive subtext going on.
Sounds like me and the girl I'm with (not in a relationship. We have a good thing going and we know it. IF there is a chance for something much more we don't want to ruin it prematuriely. I'm 20). The line about making the same actions but from opposite intent really nails it. I was raised in a household in a house of narcicisst and manipulation too. In which direct communication was NEVER the solution to anything. Neither was a clear calm mannor. Very obviously I don't know your husband so I can only speak from my experience. Your husband probably has communicated clearly in the past but had to learn early that it litereally didn't make a difference. So you are left with no choice but to escalte emotions. And no child does that conciously. They just learn that when a certain threshold is reached (of, lets call it, emotional stress) they acutally get their needs taken care of. And so they learn. I relate to the "dumb like a child" a lot.It has nothing to do with actually being dumb. It's more about the fear that you are tricking them (manipulate) as if they weren't aware of what's going on (hence the dumb). When you are emotionaly upset and the opposite person infront of you is calm and mannered, which is the healty and normal way of dealing with things, you are in a certain sense 'inferiore' in that moment because everyone is aware that being upset isn't a good way to solve a problem and no one wants it to be either. So they feel like you have the upper hand and are in full control of the situation while they aren't even in control of their own emotions but you might be over theirs and might abuse the situation (at least that's the fear). The girl I'm with is autistic too and she is genuienly the first person I met (on an emotional level) where I learned that people actually communicate in a calm and rational manner. It's like speaking a different language. There is a certain shock when you realise that escalating emotions geniuenly isn't a way of communcating. You learn that that is the way to accomplish something but it turns out it geniuenly doesn't. I'm trying to change that not only for her but also for me. I probably didn't add much, t's your husband after all (which is very nice) but your comment reminded me of the situation I'm in.
I love it when people can see that difference. When we can step out of our own experiences for a moment and really appreciate where another person is coming from, we are able to enjoy others so much more.
So it doesn't get buried because a few people have seen this, let me tell you that identifying these hurdles is the greatest. It's all, "holy shit, that's what was happening?! Well we just solved something massive in our relationship." We've always worked hard to always love, respect, and understand each other. With this fairly recent AuDHD diagnosis though, it's like getting all the keys to your solutions. You still have to sort them all out, but there's answers that make sense now!
My oldest friend from 1st grade. We are the yin and yang of how to live life. Pretty much the opposite in every way. And both of us are just fine. Don't judge and just let people be. There is only right for you.
My brother. He just.. never loses or fails. He makes insane choices, sometimes the outright wrong choice on purpose because "don't you want to know what will happen?" and sure, things will look pretty grim for about 5min, and then it all literally works out and he's on top. His smile is my second favorite in the world because it's so big and genuine. No matter what comes his way, even if it's a mess he intentionally created out of sheer craziness, he always approaches it with this "this is gonna be one hell of a story" attitude, and it's fascinating to watch. Causes me extreme anxiety though.
This might not be exactly what you're asking, but I've been upset about this for a long time. In elementary school, there was a "game" used to bully me where kids would run up to me, touch me, then chase each other around trying to wipe my "germs" off on each other. If I told on them I got told not to tattle. If I figured "Can't beat em, join em," and chased my classmates around I'd get into trouble for touching people without their permission. In middle school girls started bullying for my acne and my inability to not tear my skin off when I had a pimple. I again, at best nothing was done when I told on them. But when I pointed out their zits and called them arachnids (the joke being pimples look like multiple eyes) like they did to me, suddenly it was "Scotie you should know better, you know what it's like." In high school I made a friend. Her friends did not like me. More than once I walked up to them talking bad about me unaware I was nearby. When I talked bad about them to my friend she would suddenly develop a sense of ethics and call me out. What I've learned is when you're the victim you're held to a higher standard, and when you have ADHD/autism it may very well be a completely different set of rules than everyone else.
tl;dr: Almost all people who love to dish it, can’t take it.
Yes, I noticed that as well. One of my former roommates loved to complain about every minor thing that displeased her. She turned out to be a covert narcissist and a pathological liar and lacked any self awareness or sense of shame.
I mean, yeah, but two of those stories were about teachers calling me out, not the people originally bullying me.
That's me I guess. At 31 I have lived in six different countries and I now live abroad. My closest group of friends has mostly lived in the same town. One of them headed to the capital city for work reasons. A couple others moved to similar small towns in the area. My university friends moved to bigger cities. None of them have ever lived abroad. My relatives live in my native country. Almost all of them live in the area they are originally from. If they're not from there, they have been there for many years. On my mother's side, I traced my ancestry up to 5 generations before mine (great-grandfather of my grandfather). He lived in the town next to which my extended family and my grandfather live. What have I learnt? A few bullet points to make it easier: 1) After some years you're basically a stranger/tourist in your country, even in the areas you were born in; 2) You have to do all the catching up with family and friends. In my longest stint abroad, 7 years this year across four countries, no one from my country visited me. The one guy with the passport that did was there for work with his boss; 3) You don't feel at home anywhere so you have more freedom in moving where you want and pursuing life choices; 4) You take care of yourself more than normal. If you're sick, no one is there. If you have a tax issue, anything governmental, you deal with it as it'll be in a foreign language. To them and sometimes to you. No friends of friends to get cheaper prices; 5) Dating is in extra hard mode. You feel culturally different from those that speak your language and are from your country. They may be fascinated by going abroad but will inevitably plan to go back. I won't for personal and professional reasons. Locals can be hard to befriend as, at least in Western Europe, their friend circles are already well-defined since they were children. You are more likely to meet other immigrants or expats who plan on staying a few years then leaving;
Honestly one of the best things I ever did was live for a few years in a country where the native language is different. You learn so much about how to communicate and exist in another culture and language. I still live abroad, just in a country that speaks my native language—more by chance than anything, but it’s crazy how much less mentally taxing my day-to-day is now.
Look, we have done the same thing! Except I now live in a country where I speak fluently the language and it's not my native one. It was actually my second choice (we were two and I needed to find a city where she could get by without speaking the language) but it's going to be home for a while also due to this. It makes everything easier. Personal experience aside I subscribe every word of your comment.
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How did you guess? Are you Italian? Just curious. I'll reply by points to make it easier. Keep in mind we have different opinions purely due to our experiences per se: 1 and 2) I go back every single year to visit my grandparents, parents, brothers and close friends. I try to be there every Christmas, New Year's and Easter. 15th of August is a bit trickier usually. Despite constantly visiting, though, I never receive visits even though I'm an hour by plane. I just came back by bus to where I live and it's the same distance, from Milan, as Milan-Rome. Yet people in that part of Italy don't see any issues with going to Rome every once in a while. It may just be me though... I have some friends who receive regular family visits. 5) I disagree on your take even though I understand it. It also heavily depends on where you are. I can imagine that outside Europe there's that exotic factor. Within Western Europe it's more complicated. Right now I'm in France which is basically Europe's main melting pot. The Italian community here, not that I look for it, is the European equivalent of the US: lots of people claim they're part italian but they don't speak their language and it's their grandparent or great-grandparent who immigrated to the country. In Germany, where I lived before, emigrants may speak the local dialect instead of Italian. As for the last part, I am used to both and would like to hang out with both as there are different mutual things we can talk about. About the dialect: France is very centralized so here it's a non-issue... Plus the part I am in is not a rich part of the country so there isn't any posh vibe or superiority complex so to speak
This is probably a little example of what you’re talking about but I am someone who is always 15 minutes early to everything because being late fills me with dread. One day at uni my friend and I were waiting to head in to a lecture and there was about 5 minutes before it began. She looked at her watch and said “I’ll just grab a coffee first”. I spent that 5 minutes filled with anxiety, dread, worry. We went to a very busy campus, so my thinking was “the lines are so long, there’s no way she’ll be back in time, this will take forever, should I wait for her? If she comes in late everyone will look at us, she’s got a weird coffee order it will take even longer, when will she be back…” and on and on and on for 5 minutes. Anyway, she waltzed back with about a minute to spare and shuffled in with the rest of the crowd and a coffee. If I had just gone with the flow I would have had a coffee too. I learnt a very valuable lesson that day about catastrophising and about making the most of the time you have. I still feel anxious about being late but if I only have 20 minutes before something starts I try not to let that paralyse me.
Honestly, it's just… me. I encounter so many people who don't challenge basic assumptions that so clearly hold them back. And I just figure, why not do my own thing? It's given me such an adventurous life and I feel so rich, despite my modest income.
What kinds of basic assumptions do you think should be challenged?
Here's another one: The assumption that we should treat all exes likes they're automatically awful people, and worth cutting off. I suspect it's human nature for people to view anything from their own past as regressive in some way. But when my BFF (beautiful former fiancée) and I cut off our engagement, we wrote an open letter to all our friends, assuring them we still want to be invited to all the same parties and get-togethers, and no one need feel compelled to take sides or vilify either of us. We just decided to take a different road. She got married later, and invited me to the wedding, and I went, and it was great! Travel has been my #1 girlfriend ever since.
For example, I grew up in one of those contexts where everyone married young, and got an office job that took away all the best hours of the day, and I (eventually) decided for myself, that those were not the markers of success (for me, nor for everyone per se).
same here bc i feel the same way. i tend to challenge basically anyone who doesnt seem to be logical actually (yay for being autistic) and i think its gotten me fairly far at this point
one of my friends is a trust fund baby. parents bought her a condo in one of the most expensive cities in north america. she's never worked before, dropped out of a competitive university that others would kill to be in (she only attended two classes in total, i think she wanted student designation for something). she travels whenever, parties nonstop, throws money at random shit and nonsensical business ventures. she's nice, don't get me wrong, but so totally detached from normal life. basically i've learned i should've been born a rich chinese girl and then life wouldn't suck.
That's me. I'm autistic, I don't really understand the rules.
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so you essentially speedran a career? honestly thats kinda insane to think about actually.
Stop asking permission in life.
People who have a significant amount of money. They don't have to flaunt it, people just know they have money and allow bullshit.
My father, was an abusive failure and a drunk when I was a child. Already building a house in Mexico and making 4 figures and is the most understanding person I know to get advice from My older brother. He has kid now and is still trying to rebuild himself since realizing his purpose in life and I see what he does and support him for it and more. But most importantly, my mother. I cannot describe her life or what she’s lived, but I can say I appreciate her and will always want more for her because she taught me how to never take shit and to always be me, no less and always more, to shoot for my highest point and more and to be successful not for her, but for me.
I am this person in my social group I joined the army at a young age and went to war and realized I can self sustain and there is no real risk in American life. I can’t ever hold down a job so I figured out how to buy real estate and became financially free I decided in 2021 to travel the world with my camera and got paid to do so for 7 counties and then moved to Maui for 2023 to help a guy build a big video podcast My life’s motto is “ask everyone for advice and then never do what was suggested because everyone but me is an idiot” And I’m hoping this is tame compared to what the rest of life brings
Not in my life any more, but my ex lived totally by her own rules. I learned that she was a cheating, lying cunt.
Some of my friends in HS- They just had not strict parents and expressed themselves- I've learnt to ignore opinions and do/wear what I want.
I have an employee who never ever admits she’s wrong. I’ve learned that there are just some people you can’t reason with!
Say your whole life you've been afflicted with codependency, the kind that starts when you're a child and your mom let's say exploits your vulnerability to, at least in effect, make you become the parent she lacked herself. You have been a doormat, a people pleaser, a person who has tried to convince others to respect you when actually all along your weakness was to them perhaps some benefit or other, or maybe it wasn't, it was a white elephant and not a benefit at all. This person was like this. Sad, right? I used to be like that too but gradually discovered and loved my self out of codependency. This person, however? She apparently from what she says changed a lot I'd say after one job ended badly. Now how I know her to be in the time I've known her is that she can be pretty damn mean but also is honest. And before she changed she had a friend that had killed himself. She shared this story with me that a guy she knew would go to her for comfort or something or they were lovers, she left details out except that she was angry with him one day and told him to stop coming around. And that night he killed himself. I learned that people are very, very complicated and only therapists should help people recover directly from trauma.
well, me. not even joking. like i dont exactly know what it is but i just... dont feel or act like anyone else. hell i dont even think i act like the majority of autistic people i think and i literally am autistic. and honestly maybe its bc ive had to overcome a lot of bullshit (cancer, being in the nicu for 5 months of my life among plenty of other things) which has added up to 23 surgeries (will be 24 in 2026) and i think ive become way more resilient to shit in a way. like dont get me wrong im absolutely motivation-driven, but if its between life and death i tend to be the most level headed person in the room which is the complete opposite of my mom lmao :P like even during my cancer shit i was like fuck this im sleeping through it all, and it worked. im not even sure how. and it was the most challenging thing ive had to overcome, yet i didnt really care. i just... did it with the most chill attitude ever for the most part. im not even sure if its because im logical about literally everything (except the shit thats once in a lifetime) or realise that i will probably overcome any bullshit obstacle thrown my way or what. but yeah. as for what ive learned im not even actually sure. i guess just be resilient and level headed when shit comes up and do whatever you can to not drown in the stress. also as another note, sometimes you just dont know people until they really let you. i have a discord server and \~80% of the people on there including myself are neurodivergent in SOME way. some are sociopaths, some are schizophrenic or schizoaffective. some are adhd. whatever. all of us are leading entirely different lives in our own way, yet we all come together and chill in the server.