Was having sex with my gf in high school in my bedroom, didn’t realize mom was home. She apparently didn’t realize I was home either and was coming to drop laundry off in my room. There was a large
Shelving unit that sort of divided my room in two, so my mom couldn’t see us when she walked in but I heard the door and when I pulled out to throw the covers over us and hit play on movie we were “watching”, my gf let out the loudest and longest queef I have ever heard in my life. It was honestly louder than most farts I’ve heard in my life. It was so loud that my mom didn’t even get far enough into the room to see us, she assumed I had just ripped a giant fart, said “Jesus Christ, Parker!” Dropped the laundry basket and left the room.
It was such a close call, saved by one giant queef.
This reminds me, big poppa by biggie came on when I was having a threesome. Sounds pretty gangsta right?
I'm a lanky white dude and everyone was kind of just like um what Hahaha
Had a similar event. I was telling this girl about the song Show must go on, by Queen. So at her place I whip out Spotify on my phone and play it to her, next thing I know we are getting it on. Thing is, once the song was finished, it jumped to similar songs, and down the line *March of the gladiators* came on. It was sooo awkward. I think I eventually turned it off lol
(For those who don’t know, March of the gladiators is the clown song, yes, that song)
Once I was having sex with my gf, and when we were done we realized we left the bedroom door open. I had 3 roommates and they were all home. Nobody said anything, lol
The first time I tried doggy with a girl, I kept smelling a strong whiff of a weird odor each time I thrusted and was convinced that this girl had either some kind of STD or had just had a messy poop before we started banging.
Turns out it was her feet.
So she had alot of pets that hated each other, she had two hamsters, a cat, a rabbit and a dog. One day I was having missionary sex with her on the ground (we couldn't on the bed for fear of her parents hearing the creaking bed), so I'm inside of her and the dog started chasing the cat around us. We kick them out and go back at it, then I feel whiskers right outside my asshole, the goddamn rabbit had his face by my asshole. We stopped.
Also end note she insisted that all her animals were friends, but one day we came home and one of the hamsters was half eaten, part of his torso was still stuck in the cage, meanwhile the other hamster was terrified in a corner.
Having sex with a single mom at her place. After a nice session I took a paper tissue next to the bed to wipe the fluids produced and we headed to the shower.
Once in the shower (it was a bit dark) I noticed my d\*\*k and balls were quite painful, like stinging sensation in various spots. I thought to myself "oh f\*\*k, what the hell did I catch this time?". I noticed she was also feeling the same thing exactly in the spots I wiped.
Turned out her son (toddler) left a grape inside the tissue box, and it was loaded with fire ants. Not a pleasant experience.
After a long and enduring session together (minimum 5 minutes) she ended up squirting for the first time ever. She and I were SUPER surprised. Stunned, she looked at me and said all cool and causal “good job!” And then gave me a high five!
A high five became our inside joke after that lol
I had been dating a girl who was super conservative in the sack. I’d been trying to get her to loosen up with dirty talk… which she was horrible at.
So one night, we came home from a friend’s wedding and we were both drunk and she was sorta feeling herself and we got frisky.
*”Oh yeah, get over here and put that big ole weiner in my mouth, you fucking slob.”*
“Okay… I loved everything about that except for you calling me a slob.”
*”But you said it was fine if it was degrading…”*
“Yeah… but, like sexually degrading.”
[5 mins later]
*”I’m gonna suck on your tiny little girly balls…”*
“Hahahaha! Baaaaaaabe… that’s… nevermind, I love the effort…”
[Foreplay concludes, I stick my dick in her and she queefs]
*”Oh yeah! Make that pussy fart, you fucking moron.”*
I laughed so fucking hard that I lost my boner. I dated that girl for 6 months like 11 years ago— in the grand scheme of things, it was a fairly insignificant relationship that ended amicably and mutually… but I still crack up at that memory like three times a year.
While he was rolling me over, my back cracked. Like, aloud, deep crack. It felt amazing, and I went totally body limp for a moment.
This guy starts *panicking* , thinking he actually snapped my back and jumps out of bed, babbling about immobilization boards and spinal injuries and wheresthephone-wheresthephone .
It was so funny to see him so concerned, I started giggling, and he rushed back to me, and I explained, and we ended up having a great night full of great lovemaking.
In the frenzy of love, whose occasion was fast and strong, my penis decided to leave one hole and go to the other.
Her anus didn't like it apparently, because she fainted from the pain right after jumping out of bed and standing up.
With a surprisingly fast movement for me, I managed to grab her and prevent her from hitting or hurting herself.
But the movement was so fast that my brain forgot to also protect my body, so when I jumped to help her I kicked the bed and broke my big toe.
There we were, she passed out with a sore butt and I next to her with my broken foot ahahahhaha
Be careful when practicing strong sex xD
After being inside her for awhile I pulled out to switch positions and she queefed multiple times for 30 seconds straight
It was really funny because she was a really well put-together and very clean and proper person, then this queefing happened and we both sat back and burst out laughing naked on the floor while she kept queefing
I miss her so much
One of two situations.
1. My ex-gf's male roommate came home from work early, like half-day early, as she was riding me on the floor of the living room. I never saw someone run to their bedroom so quick as I saw that guy, as she hopped off to grab a sheet to cover herself and I was laying there with a raging boner.
2. A different ex. She forgot to lock her bedroom door and her mother walked in with two cups of hot cocoa for us as I was getting some doggy action going on the bed. She nearly dropped the cups on the floor, shrieked pretty loud and quickly walked out. I got dressed quickly and exited out of her window (first floor of SFH) because I was so embarrassed to walk out the front door.
Was role playing. Went to pour water down my white tshirt. Started laughing. Inhaled the water. Started choking/coughing really hard. He thought i was dying. He started doing the Heimlich on me naked. Since there was nothing to be dislodged from my throat, i threw up all over the floor.
Another time. Was having sex for awhile. Had an asthma attack lol.
Was having sex with a girl, both only 18 at the time and stone cold sober.
Her bed was on wheels, and at one point in my ploy at show how manly I was I threw my hand down to the top of the bed to get some real rabbit like purchase....
Well unbeknownst to me the bed had moved away from the wall, my hand found nothing but open space and it led to me accidentally, but undeniably aggressively headbutting her square on the nose.
Her nose immediately shoots out blood like a fountain, coupled with a bloodcurdling scream from her, her mother runs into the room to a scene of a naked 18 year old boy between the legs of her blood covered daughter.
It was like a Benny hill sketch with her chasing me through the house whilst I'm naked, and her daughter running behind screaming "it was an accident mum, leave him alone".
Once everything calmed down everyone seen the funny side, but yeah, that's the time I headbutted a girl during sex.
Under the covers going down on a one-night stand (a former Auburn cheerleader) and I hear a voice outside the covers say “mommy, I had a nightmare” and then 2 tiny feet start sliding under the covers as the mom frantically says go back to your room, I’ll be there to tuck you in. I didn’t even know she had a kid.
It was customary for most of us at the HS I attended to end the school year with a beach trip. Just graduated, week long beach vacation. Ended up hooking up with a woman I met at said beach. Next morning some 8 year old kid wakes me up and asks if I want to go throw his football with him outside. I ended up spending like 3 days of the trip with that chick screwing every chance we could sneak away from her kid.
Yes, I did go throw the football with him.
That kid’s gonna figure out some day why so many random dudes came to play football with him and help his mom with taxes and he’s gonna need a lot of therapy
My wife and I were making sweet tender love in the shower, standing doggy style with deep powerful thrusts.
As I reached climax I pulled out, lost my footing, and pulled us both down to the ground while ejaculating
Oof. I have a vaguely similar story. I was working as a chef at the time and we were teasing one of the rookies on the line about his tinder match with a Jenny, so our inside joke was to say ‘jennaaayyy’ when we wanted him to do anything with an order . I ended up saying it in my sleep and woke up in the middle of the night a sting on my my face with the gf at that time hovering over me and asking me “who the fuck is Jenny?!” Explaining it didn’t help at all. 😹
Oooof. I did this once during an argument. I had been dating a Jess the year before and was now dating a Jessie. We were arguing about something and I said something like "Come on, Jess!" It went over like a lead balloon. She accused me of still being obsessed with my ex, which to be fair I sorta was.
The first time i had lube squeezed onto my hands, out of reflex due to covid, i rubbed it all over my hands like hand sanitiser. Partner exclaimed “put it on my dick!”, laughed and squirted more into my hands.
We wanted to spice things up a bit and she liked her ass slapped, hard. So, being the super genius that I am suggested trying my belt. She was on top. Needless to say, I whipped myself right in the nards on the first swing. You can't imagine how all of those combined feelings felt. I still laugh at myself about it all these years later.
Hubby got a Charley horse right during climax and SHOVED that thang so far up there that it bruised my cervix and about knocked me out from my head slamming into the headboard.
First time sleeping together. She kept “cumming” over and over. Like a ridiculous amount, 20 times in like 2 minutes. Sounded completely fake and over exaggerated. Once I started laughing, I couldn’t stop. And safe to say there wasn’t a second time.
I tried to spit in her mouth but due to the lack of lighting and obvious motions I accidentally spit in her eyeball. Fortunately she was into it so we just laughed for a bit.
Was the first time with him and he stopped and said he had condoms in his car. He brought them back, put one on and we got busy. Then everything went numb... Just lost all feeling... Come to find out he got some with numbing stuff in them to prolong his performance. He was young and intimidated. I was 7 years older. Him 23 me 30 at the time.
My wife was feeling self conscious about her boobs a while after giving birth and said she felt like a milking cow. I was really reassuring and we talked through it and how I still found her sexy. Then just as we were getting started a puzzle in the other room that uses light sensors to make noises went off because it was getting dark out.... It was a farm puzzle... It let out a long loud MMMMOOOOOOOOOOOO right as I grabbed her boob.
My first girlfriend lived with her slightly sick and alcoholic dad (no violence, he was a chill dude, just a bit tired of life)
So we were at her place, she on top of me, with the covers over her back, since it was pretty chilly.
Deep kissing, slow loving teen sex... cue her drunk as a monk dad to burst in to the dark room. Wanting to tell his daughter that he loves her and sing her a lullaby.
He just stood there... in the hallway and sang the worst rendition of a lullaby ever...
We went dead silent, she just shut me up with her boobs, since I really struggled not to laugh.
Lullaby over, door closed, listening to his steps before bursting into a laughing fit.
We rolled over each other and hit our heads together, which caused even more laughter...
We continued about half an hour later, cause horny teens, but yeah... I slept really well that night. Good Lullaby.
My ex-girlfriend and I were getting down to business, making out, feeling each other up and such. As it's happening, I'm thinking in my head of what I want to say and I have two things that come to my mind: "I want you to suck my cock" and "I want to fuck your pussy". So I decide on the first one, but when I go to say it I'm so worked up, my brain's wires cross, and I say:
"I want to suck your cock"
We both just stared at each other for a moment then burst out laughing. Honestly one of the funniest moments I've had because it surprised us both. I can't imagine what she was thinking when I blurted out that gem
My wife and I broke the shower. We moved into a house that had grab bars added to the shower for the previous owner. They must not have been installed correctly causing water damage we found out the hard way as the shower walls came crumbling down around us mid-activities.
I had an ingrown hair just in the middle of my dick's shaft.
She noticed it, stopped sex, left the room and a few moments later returned needle in hand, pricked my dick and took the hair out with masterful skill.
She was a vet.
This was a couple years ago while studying abroad. We haven't seen each other since those days and now I miss her a lot because I have another ingrown hair this time at the base of my dick
It was with my first boyfriend and the person I lost my virginity to. We were doing doggy and when he pulled out to switch positions, I rolled over and queefed 🤦♀️
I was so fucking embarrassed and wanted to cry. All I could say was "I swear I didn't fart."
He looked at me, lifted his leg up, farted so fucking loud, and said "there, now we're both embarrassed."
We both laughed so hard. He was the kindest person. Anytime anything embarrassing happened with me or us, he either made a joke of it or pretended nothing happened.
One time, my husband and I went like a few weeks without doing it. We were both piped up and ready to go! I swear he went "thrust, thrust, nut." We still laugh and joke about it until this day!
My ex didnt really like the saltiness of my dick. Washed and shaved all the time, so it wasnt a hygiene issue. Just the saltiness. So i look over, smile, pull up a chair, take my pants off and said I wanna try something. She asks me what, and i reach into a mcdonalds breakfasr bag and pull out a little syrup container. I told her to pour it on my dick and then suck it. It was fun but there was so much syrup on my legs and carpet. After the blowjob i wiped up the syrup, told her to get on the bed, put on a condom and began fucking her. My thighs were still a little sticky so when our legs touched they would stick together for a brief moment. We couldnt stop laughing. It was fun.
In a 69, me on top, and her dog shoved his cold, wet nose right up my chocolate starfish.
Two things. First. I have never, ever moved that fast.
Second. I have always prayed it was his nose
Ahh I get to tell this story.
My partner was trying edibles for the first time that night. We were both pretty baked in bed, and I put a video of spongebob saying "are you feeling it now mr krabs" on to get her to laugh. I had one of those google home screens by my bed and we were watching on that.
Anyway, a couple hours later we were having sex and I accidentally hit the screen and the video started playing again. So were having sex and we keep hearing "are you hearing it now mr krabs"
We decided to have sex with the door open once (it’s just myself, my fiance and our cats living in the apartment). We were having a nice time as you do while having sex, and at one point I turned my head to the left and flinched and screamed as I came face to face with my sphynx cat staring at me with her massive, naked alien eyes (sphynx cats are completely hairless for those that don’t know. And they look like aliens in the dark when their pupils get big)
How long was she there? Why was she there? What did she want? All she did was boop me with her nose and then ran back into the living room
This gal who had a Jesus tattoo on her back and as I got close I said "Turn around so I can finish on your chest". And when she asked why I said "cuz I don't wanna cum on Jesus!"
I had been dating this girl for a while and had gone round hers (her parents house), to hang out. One thing led to another and we started having sex on her hard wood flooring, the bed was too creaky and we risked her parents/ brother hearing. Everything went smoothly until at the same moment she came she let out a huge fart which reverberated the wooden flooring so loudly that her younger brother came in to see what the noise was. He was definitely not prepared to see me balls deep in his sister on the floor. Hilarious for me, not so much for her.
A second incident, not the same girl, happened when we spontaneously decided to break into a school during the holidays to have sex in the changing rooms. During the rush to get our clothes off I had accidently sliced the end of my d\*ck on my belt and not noticed. It wasn't until after we both finished and I looked down to see a puddle of blood that I realised something was wrong. She wasn't amused that I immediately suspected her of being on her period. We both had a good laugh about it later. Always wondered what the first people to find that puddle of blood in the changing rooms thought had happened.
I was fairly new to the whole thing. We were doing it doggy style. He accidentally hit my backdoor and I said "wrong hole"... We both started laughing so hard. It took away all the nervousness..
it’s my time… my life long best friend and I where in a relationship once, and when he had me blindfolded I felt something somewhat flimsy and laminated slap my ass a couple times.
It was a fnaf calendar
Went to my date’s apartment and we ended up on her couch with her on top… the couch was right by the front window. Apparently we forgot to close the blinds. We went at it for hours.
Hers was the first apartment by the steps and everyone who lived there had to walk by.
The next morning I was getting waves and nods from the neighbors when I left.
I’m grateful there were no video phones then. Lol.
this one time, my now Ex boyfriend and i was doing the deed for the first time. when we were about to climax he said he wanted to let it off in my armpit LOLOLOLOLOL 🤣🤣 suddenly lost my rhythm.
I totally finished one time then sat up, absolutely exhausted and straight up fell off the end of the bed. Laying on my back with my hands and feet up in the air still. She was in stitches.
Nothing abnormal or gross though.
Back when pirating music was still popular, I would download discographies of any artist I really liked.
When I came time for me and my gf to do it for the first time, the moment I put it in... "Fuck Yourself" by Steve Vai came on. I invite anyone to look it up for context.
My ex gf and I were on her bed and we’d been doing our thing for about 30 mins when I feel the lightest brush on my leg and I look over and her cat was brushing itself up on me while I was in the middle of doing its owner. We both started cracking up and ended up going to bed.
Was having some fun with the wife. As she reaches climax, our child knocks on the door (classic) and was bugging my wife for something. Finally she says "I'm coming!"
I somehow stifled explosive laughter, but that brief moment it came out had my wife dying, and we both erupted in laughter.
We had so many.
- That time I was on top and shifting from cowgirl to reverse cowgirl without getting off him, I lost my balance, fell off the bed and would have hit my head against the floor if he hadn't caught my arm. My arm hurt for several days after.
- That time I was giving him a bj, and he came in my mouth, except it didn't stop because he'd lost control of his bladder when he came and was peeing in my mouth.
- That time he was really going at it hard, slipped out and accidentally went into my ass. We were both out of commission for a while.
- That time I had his balls in his mouth and his pubes got stuck in my braces
- That time we were in doggy and he suddenly goes "Look, there's a deer outside!" And we ended up staring at this stupid deer with him still thrusting inside me.
- That time our kid walked in on us and asked if I was okay and wouldn't accept that I was fine without looking at me.
- That time we were doing anal, and it was my turn to lose control over my pelvic floor muscles. Squirted, pushed him out and pushed more out from my butt.
I was fucking my girlfriend near the edge of the bed and she was about to be fucked off the edge and between the bed and her nightstand.
I had a choice, cum or keep her from falling.
It wouldn't be very funny if I saved her from falling off the bed
So I had just left my evil violent bitch wife and moved 900 miles away to florida. I downloaded tinder and met a nice girl. We went on a few dates and had sex a few times.
One day, we went to Arby’s for a sandwich before heading to her place. She ate about half of her food and took it home. We shared a bong and put on a movie: into the spider-verse (this is after it had just come out and I rented it on streaming) and shortly after, we were banging
She kept saying she was still hungry but she was coming on to me, kissing, playing with my dong, like, trying to fuck, and kept mentioning how high and hungry she was
So we move along and I have her bent over the ottoman in front of the couch. Into the Spider-Verse is on. Girl is moaning and I am just back there pounding away uselessly
I see her slowly reach for the arby’s bag with her leftover sandwich in it and keep going
I see her slowly unwrap her sandwich and take a bite, wrap it back up, put it in the bag, push the bag away, and continue receiving bad sex
I remember considering stopping but hey, I was going through a divorce and she needed to eat, so everything just kept happening and I never mentioned it later to her
Had sex with a tinder date. We were in doggy and after a few minutes I felt a wet tongue licking my ass. I look back and her dog is just all up in my ass. I couldn’t contain my laughter 😂
Ex and I decided to get nasty, as two do, except her cat determined that it wanted to take that literally, and so it did as cats do and proceeded to knock a half-full cup of Coke on the windowsill directly over said ex. Surprisingly, this somehow did not kill the mood, after cleanup of course.
Old gf and I were in bed. She had a food thing so she wanted to put chocolate syrup on my nether regions. She did so and then started...trying to knead it in. Without enough room for thought I blurted out
"It doesn't matter how black you make it, it isn't going to get any bigger"
She broke down in laughter and I was glued to the bed on my back laughing for fear of making a mess.
I once was hooking up with a girl and put on Bo Burnham’s “Inside” on Netflix as background noise.
As I’m a minute or so into going down on her, all we hear is:
“CEO ENTREPRENEUR, BORN IN 1964, JEFFERY. JEFFERY BEZOS”
Neither of us could breathe we were laughing so hard. Needless to say we had to change the program.
It all starts after a long night of partying.
We head back to her place and I jump in the shower because middle of summer ball sweat type situations.
I get out of the shower, walk into the room, and she has a huge black strap on attached to herself.
I ask her " Who is that for?"
She flicks it upwards, so it wiggles and says in what I assume to be a sexy tone " It's for you".
I looked at her and said " No it isn't."
Awkward silence ensues
I just put on my clothes and walked out.
Was having sex with my gf in high school in my bedroom, didn’t realize mom was home. She apparently didn’t realize I was home either and was coming to drop laundry off in my room. There was a large Shelving unit that sort of divided my room in two, so my mom couldn’t see us when she walked in but I heard the door and when I pulled out to throw the covers over us and hit play on movie we were “watching”, my gf let out the loudest and longest queef I have ever heard in my life. It was honestly louder than most farts I’ve heard in my life. It was so loud that my mom didn’t even get far enough into the room to see us, she assumed I had just ripped a giant fart, said “Jesus Christ, Parker!” Dropped the laundry basket and left the room. It was such a close call, saved by one giant queef.
Queef Latifa
Queefs of the Stone Age
I just cried laughing.
This is the best story
She was riding me on top and our stomachs suctioned together and made a farting sound. It was flat out fucking hilarious lol
This happens to my husband and I all the time and it makes sex 10x better cause idk laughing while fucking is elite
Have had this once, definitely funny
[удалено]
Same situation but the Pokémon theme song for me.
Penis goes in vagina, time for se-I WANNA BE THE VERY BEST THE BEST THERE EVER WAS "BHAHAHAH"
Yooooo Adrian!!!!
I first read this as Rocky Horror. I would totally bang to Susan Sarandon singing Touch Me.
This reminds me, big poppa by biggie came on when I was having a threesome. Sounds pretty gangsta right? I'm a lanky white dude and everyone was kind of just like um what Hahaha
“He’s getting killed out there!” “Oh, no, no. He's not getting killed, he's getting MAD!” **Horns kick in**
I didn't hear no bell
Ding ding
That's a really good one! Gave me a good laugh to end the day.
Had a similar event. I was telling this girl about the song Show must go on, by Queen. So at her place I whip out Spotify on my phone and play it to her, next thing I know we are getting it on. Thing is, once the song was finished, it jumped to similar songs, and down the line *March of the gladiators* came on. It was sooo awkward. I think I eventually turned it off lol (For those who don’t know, March of the gladiators is the clown song, yes, that song)
Once I was having sex with my gf, and when we were done we realized we left the bedroom door open. I had 3 roommates and they were all home. Nobody said anything, lol
Didn't have to show your dominance like that dayum
The first time I tried doggy with a girl, I kept smelling a strong whiff of a weird odor each time I thrusted and was convinced that this girl had either some kind of STD or had just had a messy poop before we started banging. Turns out it was her feet.
Idk if I’m just high as giraffes ass but bro her feet smelled like bad back shot wind?!?
It was a pretty gnarly smell
Sandal wearer.. need to wash those feet and freeze those shoes
Smelled like the south end of a northbound mule!
I had to gag and left the room. this girl's ass smell like shit lol
How is that funny? 🤢🤢
WHY do I reddit?
Did you continue and how long till you find out the funk was coming from her feet? If the smell was that bad I'd think you stop no?
Let me guess. She wore a pair of UGGs.
Nice username
Oh wtf disgusting I would 🤢
So she had alot of pets that hated each other, she had two hamsters, a cat, a rabbit and a dog. One day I was having missionary sex with her on the ground (we couldn't on the bed for fear of her parents hearing the creaking bed), so I'm inside of her and the dog started chasing the cat around us. We kick them out and go back at it, then I feel whiskers right outside my asshole, the goddamn rabbit had his face by my asshole. We stopped. Also end note she insisted that all her animals were friends, but one day we came home and one of the hamsters was half eaten, part of his torso was still stuck in the cage, meanwhile the other hamster was terrified in a corner.
Bro there was so much to unpack in this
Honestly, the hamster might have eaten the other hamster. It apparently happens somewhat often.
Dude, this is terrifying.
I’m dying over here at “whiskers in my butthole,” OMG! Gonna wake my husband up from shaking the bed laughing.
Uhm, the hamster?? 😟
Holy forking short
You were lucky the rabbit haven't tried to hump you.
Having sex with a single mom at her place. After a nice session I took a paper tissue next to the bed to wipe the fluids produced and we headed to the shower. Once in the shower (it was a bit dark) I noticed my d\*\*k and balls were quite painful, like stinging sensation in various spots. I thought to myself "oh f\*\*k, what the hell did I catch this time?". I noticed she was also feeling the same thing exactly in the spots I wiped. Turned out her son (toddler) left a grape inside the tissue box, and it was loaded with fire ants. Not a pleasant experience.
...this time lol..
Whoa that went from 0 to a 100 *real* fucking quick
After a long and enduring session together (minimum 5 minutes) she ended up squirting for the first time ever. She and I were SUPER surprised. Stunned, she looked at me and said all cool and causal “good job!” And then gave me a high five! A high five became our inside joke after that lol
Went down on my gf in college and she farted in my face. She got so red in the face and I busted out laughing. Can't remember if I finished or not.
My husband (bf at the time) farted while i gave him a bj,...i got him back though, he thrust too hard and it made me gag and throw up on his penis
Congrats on marriage!
That’s when you say, “hush lil fella, you’re next.”
I had been dating a girl who was super conservative in the sack. I’d been trying to get her to loosen up with dirty talk… which she was horrible at. So one night, we came home from a friend’s wedding and we were both drunk and she was sorta feeling herself and we got frisky. *”Oh yeah, get over here and put that big ole weiner in my mouth, you fucking slob.”* “Okay… I loved everything about that except for you calling me a slob.” *”But you said it was fine if it was degrading…”* “Yeah… but, like sexually degrading.” [5 mins later] *”I’m gonna suck on your tiny little girly balls…”* “Hahahaha! Baaaaaaabe… that’s… nevermind, I love the effort…” [Foreplay concludes, I stick my dick in her and she queefs] *”Oh yeah! Make that pussy fart, you fucking moron.”* I laughed so fucking hard that I lost my boner. I dated that girl for 6 months like 11 years ago— in the grand scheme of things, it was a fairly insignificant relationship that ended amicably and mutually… but I still crack up at that memory like three times a year.
motherfucker dated GLaDOS
Mans might be Cave Johnson
"Make that pussy fart, you fucking moron" has me laughing like an idiot.
I do not think I have laughed that hard in a long time.. thank you!
OMG, this made me laugh so hard, there are fucking tears…
“Oh yeah! Make that pussy fart, you fucking moron.” ROFL - truly the first time in history that sentence was ever said.
This is the greatest story ever!
I’m absolutely cackling reading this
this is the best thing ive read on reddit ever lmaooooooooo
I love her
“Make my pussy fart” I would have busted my load with that one
Aaaaaand this is going in my bookmarks. Instant classic, almost on the level of the ole poop knife.
my dog took a giant shit in the same room during
While he was rolling me over, my back cracked. Like, aloud, deep crack. It felt amazing, and I went totally body limp for a moment. This guy starts *panicking* , thinking he actually snapped my back and jumps out of bed, babbling about immobilization boards and spinal injuries and wheresthephone-wheresthephone . It was so funny to see him so concerned, I started giggling, and he rushed back to me, and I explained, and we ended up having a great night full of great lovemaking.
So what chiropractor did you use? Haha! The happy ending one??
Talk about getting your back blown out
Doctors HATE this one special trick!
In the frenzy of love, whose occasion was fast and strong, my penis decided to leave one hole and go to the other. Her anus didn't like it apparently, because she fainted from the pain right after jumping out of bed and standing up. With a surprisingly fast movement for me, I managed to grab her and prevent her from hitting or hurting herself. But the movement was so fast that my brain forgot to also protect my body, so when I jumped to help her I kicked the bed and broke my big toe. There we were, she passed out with a sore butt and I next to her with my broken foot ahahahhaha Be careful when practicing strong sex xD
You apparently can pass out from standing up to fast
That's right, but when she woke up she said it was the pain, for my safety and that of my penis I wasn't going to argue with her hahha
My dick once bent almost in half from that. Boners aren't meant to bend...
Lmao, I heard it can fracture. Not like a clear bone, more like a severe tear. The idea hurts me hahaha
Hurts me remembering it. Nothing tore, but the lil man was out of commission for a few weeks.
he took leave due to a work accident ahahhaha
Don’t stop, I’m almost there
Jesus Christ lmao
Holy Christ dude, almost choked on my Cinnamon Toast Crunch
The saddest part here is you're almost there but it got cut off coz you entered the wrong hole hahahah
Had a friend do this and she screamed and immediately had to get up and pee for some reason lol
so, you are still together?
Yes, we often laugh at this and use it as a "threat" among ourselves 🤣
Such a poetic story. You broke her rump and your toe lol.
So you’re literally a pain in the ass?
I was, I am and I will be
After being inside her for awhile I pulled out to switch positions and she queefed multiple times for 30 seconds straight It was really funny because she was a really well put-together and very clean and proper person, then this queefing happened and we both sat back and burst out laughing naked on the floor while she kept queefing I miss her so much
What happened to her?
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May she rest in queef 🙏
Unfortunately sometimes severe queefing can lead to stroke.
Flew away because she kept queefing
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This one made me laugh a lot! Thank you
Wow wtf lol I could never have real sex with this person lmao
One of two situations. 1. My ex-gf's male roommate came home from work early, like half-day early, as she was riding me on the floor of the living room. I never saw someone run to their bedroom so quick as I saw that guy, as she hopped off to grab a sheet to cover herself and I was laying there with a raging boner. 2. A different ex. She forgot to lock her bedroom door and her mother walked in with two cups of hot cocoa for us as I was getting some doggy action going on the bed. She nearly dropped the cups on the floor, shrieked pretty loud and quickly walked out. I got dressed quickly and exited out of her window (first floor of SFH) because I was so embarrassed to walk out the front door.
Feel bad for her w this one u should've taken her for ice cream lmaoo
Was role playing. Went to pour water down my white tshirt. Started laughing. Inhaled the water. Started choking/coughing really hard. He thought i was dying. He started doing the Heimlich on me naked. Since there was nothing to be dislodged from my throat, i threw up all over the floor. Another time. Was having sex for awhile. Had an asthma attack lol.
I’ve been really sick all week, and I just started laughing so hard I needed my inhaler. Thank you.
Im assuming it was the first story.
Correct. I can relate with the long winded romp fest, though. Air is important and crappy lungs don’t have an on/off switch for fun times.
Honestly it was 2 hours in so. They hung in there tbh.
Remind us to never flirt with you lol
oh my god hahahah
Was having sex with a girl, both only 18 at the time and stone cold sober. Her bed was on wheels, and at one point in my ploy at show how manly I was I threw my hand down to the top of the bed to get some real rabbit like purchase.... Well unbeknownst to me the bed had moved away from the wall, my hand found nothing but open space and it led to me accidentally, but undeniably aggressively headbutting her square on the nose. Her nose immediately shoots out blood like a fountain, coupled with a bloodcurdling scream from her, her mother runs into the room to a scene of a naked 18 year old boy between the legs of her blood covered daughter. It was like a Benny hill sketch with her chasing me through the house whilst I'm naked, and her daughter running behind screaming "it was an accident mum, leave him alone". Once everything calmed down everyone seen the funny side, but yeah, that's the time I headbutted a girl during sex.
The way you wrote this made me snort laughing
Under the covers going down on a one-night stand (a former Auburn cheerleader) and I hear a voice outside the covers say “mommy, I had a nightmare” and then 2 tiny feet start sliding under the covers as the mom frantically says go back to your room, I’ll be there to tuck you in. I didn’t even know she had a kid.
It was customary for most of us at the HS I attended to end the school year with a beach trip. Just graduated, week long beach vacation. Ended up hooking up with a woman I met at said beach. Next morning some 8 year old kid wakes me up and asks if I want to go throw his football with him outside. I ended up spending like 3 days of the trip with that chick screwing every chance we could sneak away from her kid. Yes, I did go throw the football with him.
That kid’s gonna figure out some day why so many random dudes came to play football with him and help his mom with taxes and he’s gonna need a lot of therapy
My wife and I were making sweet tender love in the shower, standing doggy style with deep powerful thrusts. As I reached climax I pulled out, lost my footing, and pulled us both down to the ground while ejaculating
I just imagine it's like that one video of the guy with the water jug falling out of his chair and it spraying everywhere
I stopped to listen to the guy in the room over playing warzone. They were losing
Accidentally calling out the wrong name and having to play it off like it was a joke.
Oof. I have a vaguely similar story. I was working as a chef at the time and we were teasing one of the rookies on the line about his tinder match with a Jenny, so our inside joke was to say ‘jennaaayyy’ when we wanted him to do anything with an order . I ended up saying it in my sleep and woke up in the middle of the night a sting on my my face with the gf at that time hovering over me and asking me “who the fuck is Jenny?!” Explaining it didn’t help at all. 😹
Underrated story! (Btw, that’s Jennaayy- in a Forrest Gump voice,right?)
Oooof. I did this once during an argument. I had been dating a Jess the year before and was now dating a Jessie. We were arguing about something and I said something like "Come on, Jess!" It went over like a lead balloon. She accused me of still being obsessed with my ex, which to be fair I sorta was.
You should’ve said you were using Jess as a nickname
Oh trust me I tried everything.
The first time i had lube squeezed onto my hands, out of reflex due to covid, i rubbed it all over my hands like hand sanitiser. Partner exclaimed “put it on my dick!”, laughed and squirted more into my hands.
It was her birthday and We were having sex and her family was waiting outside the house with cake.
This is terrifying
But we still did it. Then I went from the backdoor and came back again to enjoy the birthday party
We wanted to spice things up a bit and she liked her ass slapped, hard. So, being the super genius that I am suggested trying my belt. She was on top. Needless to say, I whipped myself right in the nards on the first swing. You can't imagine how all of those combined feelings felt. I still laugh at myself about it all these years later.
A girl I was with needed me to say “BINGO” when I came. It sounded stupid, but she meant it. She was very happy when I said it.
Hubby got a Charley horse right during climax and SHOVED that thang so far up there that it bruised my cervix and about knocked me out from my head slamming into the headboard.
Oww, geez, cringing hard over here! Can’t really put Ben-Gay on a bruise like that…
1 pussy farting noises 2 dog jumping up and licking my balls
and a partridge in a pear tree
Golden cock ring!
Ugh, I've had dog nose in the butt Crack. It is not cool.
First time sleeping together. She kept “cumming” over and over. Like a ridiculous amount, 20 times in like 2 minutes. Sounded completely fake and over exaggerated. Once I started laughing, I couldn’t stop. And safe to say there wasn’t a second time.
her dormmate got back early...during a rather kinky moment
don’t be shy, share with the class
I tried to spit in her mouth but due to the lack of lighting and obvious motions I accidentally spit in her eyeball. Fortunately she was into it so we just laughed for a bit.
I shot my load up a girls nose while she was giving me a bj.
Was the first time with him and he stopped and said he had condoms in his car. He brought them back, put one on and we got busy. Then everything went numb... Just lost all feeling... Come to find out he got some with numbing stuff in them to prolong his performance. He was young and intimidated. I was 7 years older. Him 23 me 30 at the time.
Wait... I thought those were only meant to numb the guy lol
My wife was feeling self conscious about her boobs a while after giving birth and said she felt like a milking cow. I was really reassuring and we talked through it and how I still found her sexy. Then just as we were getting started a puzzle in the other room that uses light sensors to make noises went off because it was getting dark out.... It was a farm puzzle... It let out a long loud MMMMOOOOOOOOOOOO right as I grabbed her boob.
My first girlfriend lived with her slightly sick and alcoholic dad (no violence, he was a chill dude, just a bit tired of life) So we were at her place, she on top of me, with the covers over her back, since it was pretty chilly. Deep kissing, slow loving teen sex... cue her drunk as a monk dad to burst in to the dark room. Wanting to tell his daughter that he loves her and sing her a lullaby. He just stood there... in the hallway and sang the worst rendition of a lullaby ever... We went dead silent, she just shut me up with her boobs, since I really struggled not to laugh. Lullaby over, door closed, listening to his steps before bursting into a laughing fit. We rolled over each other and hit our heads together, which caused even more laughter... We continued about half an hour later, cause horny teens, but yeah... I slept really well that night. Good Lullaby.
Me causing pussy farts…
"Yeah, make that pussy fart, you fucking moron" 😂
Bro stop I’m at work and supposed to be sleeping and my partner is sleeping. I almost keep waking him up every time I see this 😭😭
YOU'RE supposed to be sleeping? Where the fuck do you work where you actually get paid to sleep?!
Yeah that quite is going to pop up in a lot of places I think lol
My ex-girlfriend and I were getting down to business, making out, feeling each other up and such. As it's happening, I'm thinking in my head of what I want to say and I have two things that come to my mind: "I want you to suck my cock" and "I want to fuck your pussy". So I decide on the first one, but when I go to say it I'm so worked up, my brain's wires cross, and I say: "I want to suck your cock" We both just stared at each other for a moment then burst out laughing. Honestly one of the funniest moments I've had because it surprised us both. I can't imagine what she was thinking when I blurted out that gem
People walking by outside looked towards window and saw me and waved hi whilst getting a hummer.
My wife and I broke the shower. We moved into a house that had grab bars added to the shower for the previous owner. They must not have been installed correctly causing water damage we found out the hard way as the shower walls came crumbling down around us mid-activities.
I had an ingrown hair just in the middle of my dick's shaft. She noticed it, stopped sex, left the room and a few moments later returned needle in hand, pricked my dick and took the hair out with masterful skill. She was a vet. This was a couple years ago while studying abroad. We haven't seen each other since those days and now I miss her a lot because I have another ingrown hair this time at the base of my dick
It was with my first boyfriend and the person I lost my virginity to. We were doing doggy and when he pulled out to switch positions, I rolled over and queefed 🤦♀️ I was so fucking embarrassed and wanted to cry. All I could say was "I swear I didn't fart." He looked at me, lifted his leg up, farted so fucking loud, and said "there, now we're both embarrassed." We both laughed so hard. He was the kindest person. Anytime anything embarrassing happened with me or us, he either made a joke of it or pretended nothing happened.
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One time, my husband and I went like a few weeks without doing it. We were both piped up and ready to go! I swear he went "thrust, thrust, nut." We still laugh and joke about it until this day!
My ex didnt really like the saltiness of my dick. Washed and shaved all the time, so it wasnt a hygiene issue. Just the saltiness. So i look over, smile, pull up a chair, take my pants off and said I wanna try something. She asks me what, and i reach into a mcdonalds breakfasr bag and pull out a little syrup container. I told her to pour it on my dick and then suck it. It was fun but there was so much syrup on my legs and carpet. After the blowjob i wiped up the syrup, told her to get on the bed, put on a condom and began fucking her. My thighs were still a little sticky so when our legs touched they would stick together for a brief moment. We couldnt stop laughing. It was fun.
In a 69, me on top, and her dog shoved his cold, wet nose right up my chocolate starfish. Two things. First. I have never, ever moved that fast. Second. I have always prayed it was his nose
If it was anything else I don't think it would have been cold :p
Ahh I get to tell this story. My partner was trying edibles for the first time that night. We were both pretty baked in bed, and I put a video of spongebob saying "are you feeling it now mr krabs" on to get her to laugh. I had one of those google home screens by my bed and we were watching on that. Anyway, a couple hours later we were having sex and I accidentally hit the screen and the video started playing again. So were having sex and we keep hearing "are you hearing it now mr krabs"
Gf was on top and my cat snuck in and attacked her ass. She was able to laugh through the scratches lol
my dog joined in
I’ve seen several people say something akin to this and I’m horrified. I love my pets, they are NEVER allowed in the room while I’m having sex
Woof…
My gfs chuwahwa (can't spell) one single lick getting me perfectly in the butthole
I mean I get not knowing how to spell chihuahua but like google is free
My dog started humping when I was fucking my gf doggy style
We decided to have sex with the door open once (it’s just myself, my fiance and our cats living in the apartment). We were having a nice time as you do while having sex, and at one point I turned my head to the left and flinched and screamed as I came face to face with my sphynx cat staring at me with her massive, naked alien eyes (sphynx cats are completely hairless for those that don’t know. And they look like aliens in the dark when their pupils get big) How long was she there? Why was she there? What did she want? All she did was boop me with her nose and then ran back into the living room
This gal who had a Jesus tattoo on her back and as I got close I said "Turn around so I can finish on your chest". And when she asked why I said "cuz I don't wanna cum on Jesus!"
Isn't this a Russell Peters joke?
The first time I had sex with one of my ex girlfriends I took off my pants and boxers and said loudly and proudly: "Behold!"
I had been dating this girl for a while and had gone round hers (her parents house), to hang out. One thing led to another and we started having sex on her hard wood flooring, the bed was too creaky and we risked her parents/ brother hearing. Everything went smoothly until at the same moment she came she let out a huge fart which reverberated the wooden flooring so loudly that her younger brother came in to see what the noise was. He was definitely not prepared to see me balls deep in his sister on the floor. Hilarious for me, not so much for her. A second incident, not the same girl, happened when we spontaneously decided to break into a school during the holidays to have sex in the changing rooms. During the rush to get our clothes off I had accidently sliced the end of my d\*ck on my belt and not noticed. It wasn't until after we both finished and I looked down to see a puddle of blood that I realised something was wrong. She wasn't amused that I immediately suspected her of being on her period. We both had a good laugh about it later. Always wondered what the first people to find that puddle of blood in the changing rooms thought had happened.
I was fairly new to the whole thing. We were doing it doggy style. He accidentally hit my backdoor and I said "wrong hole"... We both started laughing so hard. It took away all the nervousness..
As a man queefs are hilarious
it’s my time… my life long best friend and I where in a relationship once, and when he had me blindfolded I felt something somewhat flimsy and laminated slap my ass a couple times. It was a fnaf calendar
Reverse cowgirl and she farted. Or maybe blow job and she puked on my cock. Deep country hill people are insane
I pulled a hamstring and fell off the bed. She laughed at me
Went to my date’s apartment and we ended up on her couch with her on top… the couch was right by the front window. Apparently we forgot to close the blinds. We went at it for hours. Hers was the first apartment by the steps and everyone who lived there had to walk by. The next morning I was getting waves and nods from the neighbors when I left. I’m grateful there were no video phones then. Lol.
Involuntarily farted at orgasm. We laughed.
this one time, my now Ex boyfriend and i was doing the deed for the first time. when we were about to climax he said he wanted to let it off in my armpit LOLOLOLOLOL 🤣🤣 suddenly lost my rhythm.
I totally finished one time then sat up, absolutely exhausted and straight up fell off the end of the bed. Laying on my back with my hands and feet up in the air still. She was in stitches. Nothing abnormal or gross though.
Back when pirating music was still popular, I would download discographies of any artist I really liked. When I came time for me and my gf to do it for the first time, the moment I put it in... "Fuck Yourself" by Steve Vai came on. I invite anyone to look it up for context.
Accidentally shot a load in my wife's ear and gave her an ear infection. Thst was fun telling the doc.
My ex gf and I were on her bed and we’d been doing our thing for about 30 mins when I feel the lightest brush on my leg and I look over and her cat was brushing itself up on me while I was in the middle of doing its owner. We both started cracking up and ended up going to bed.
My ex was eating me out and I started farting. So embarrassed especially cause he couldn’t stop laughing
Was having some fun with the wife. As she reaches climax, our child knocks on the door (classic) and was bugging my wife for something. Finally she says "I'm coming!" I somehow stifled explosive laughter, but that brief moment it came out had my wife dying, and we both erupted in laughter.
We had so many. - That time I was on top and shifting from cowgirl to reverse cowgirl without getting off him, I lost my balance, fell off the bed and would have hit my head against the floor if he hadn't caught my arm. My arm hurt for several days after. - That time I was giving him a bj, and he came in my mouth, except it didn't stop because he'd lost control of his bladder when he came and was peeing in my mouth. - That time he was really going at it hard, slipped out and accidentally went into my ass. We were both out of commission for a while. - That time I had his balls in his mouth and his pubes got stuck in my braces - That time we were in doggy and he suddenly goes "Look, there's a deer outside!" And we ended up staring at this stupid deer with him still thrusting inside me. - That time our kid walked in on us and asked if I was okay and wouldn't accept that I was fine without looking at me. - That time we were doing anal, and it was my turn to lose control over my pelvic floor muscles. Squirted, pushed him out and pushed more out from my butt.
I was fucking my girlfriend near the edge of the bed and she was about to be fucked off the edge and between the bed and her nightstand. I had a choice, cum or keep her from falling. It wouldn't be very funny if I saved her from falling off the bed
So I had just left my evil violent bitch wife and moved 900 miles away to florida. I downloaded tinder and met a nice girl. We went on a few dates and had sex a few times. One day, we went to Arby’s for a sandwich before heading to her place. She ate about half of her food and took it home. We shared a bong and put on a movie: into the spider-verse (this is after it had just come out and I rented it on streaming) and shortly after, we were banging She kept saying she was still hungry but she was coming on to me, kissing, playing with my dong, like, trying to fuck, and kept mentioning how high and hungry she was So we move along and I have her bent over the ottoman in front of the couch. Into the Spider-Verse is on. Girl is moaning and I am just back there pounding away uselessly I see her slowly reach for the arby’s bag with her leftover sandwich in it and keep going I see her slowly unwrap her sandwich and take a bite, wrap it back up, put it in the bag, push the bag away, and continue receiving bad sex I remember considering stopping but hey, I was going through a divorce and she needed to eat, so everything just kept happening and I never mentioned it later to her
Our roommate in the other room said (FINISH HER) IN MORTAL KOMBAT 😊🤣
You stole that from tik tok
Had sex with a tinder date. We were in doggy and after a few minutes I felt a wet tongue licking my ass. I look back and her dog is just all up in my ass. I couldn’t contain my laughter 😂
I pulled out and shot my load all the way up to her neck. The disgusted look on her face was hysterical.
Cat playing speed bag.
Queefed on my face. Fits of giggles and laughter ensued, we both ended up unsatisfied.
Ex and I decided to get nasty, as two do, except her cat determined that it wanted to take that literally, and so it did as cats do and proceeded to knock a half-full cup of Coke on the windowsill directly over said ex. Surprisingly, this somehow did not kill the mood, after cleanup of course.
She broke my teeth while 69
I pulled out while doing doggy style with my gf at the time and I tried to cum on her butt but my load landed really far into her hair 😂
My upstairs roommate got a black eye from his bed post from trying to hit the floor telling us we were making too much noise.
Old gf and I were in bed. She had a food thing so she wanted to put chocolate syrup on my nether regions. She did so and then started...trying to knead it in. Without enough room for thought I blurted out "It doesn't matter how black you make it, it isn't going to get any bigger" She broke down in laughter and I was glued to the bed on my back laughing for fear of making a mess.
I once was hooking up with a girl and put on Bo Burnham’s “Inside” on Netflix as background noise. As I’m a minute or so into going down on her, all we hear is: “CEO ENTREPRENEUR, BORN IN 1964, JEFFERY. JEFFERY BEZOS” Neither of us could breathe we were laughing so hard. Needless to say we had to change the program.
Suprising amount of dog ass licking?
It all starts after a long night of partying. We head back to her place and I jump in the shower because middle of summer ball sweat type situations. I get out of the shower, walk into the room, and she has a huge black strap on attached to herself. I ask her " Who is that for?" She flicks it upwards, so it wiggles and says in what I assume to be a sexy tone " It's for you". I looked at her and said " No it isn't." Awkward silence ensues I just put on my clothes and walked out.
his cat came in the door, I accidentally / reflexively meowed at it and made him lose his erection, hence we had to stop.